1 00:00:00,043 --> 00:00:02,377 Daddies will miss you both so much! Have the best time! 2 00:00:02,446 --> 00:00:04,212 - Bye, honey. - Ohh. 3 00:00:04,271 --> 00:00:08,147 ♪ We're alone! We're alone! We're alone! We're alone! ♪ 4 00:00:08,216 --> 00:00:10,149 There's a box out here marked fruit of the month. 5 00:00:10,218 --> 00:00:12,718 I'm assuming that means one of you won a contest. 6 00:00:12,787 --> 00:00:14,687 So, Pam's moving back home 7 00:00:14,756 --> 00:00:17,523 after living in our upstairs unit for like three years. 8 00:00:17,592 --> 00:00:19,759 Uh, okay, it's been a year and nine days, 9 00:00:19,827 --> 00:00:21,160 and she chopped us all that wood. 10 00:00:21,229 --> 00:00:23,329 Plus, she's taking Lily back to see my parents. 11 00:00:23,397 --> 00:00:26,298 It's birthing season so she gets to name her first pig. 12 00:00:26,367 --> 00:00:28,600 Oh, and then we slaughter it on her 13th birthday. 13 00:00:28,969 --> 00:00:30,101 There's prayers and dancing. 14 00:00:30,170 --> 00:00:31,603 It's not unlike your standard bar mitzvah. 15 00:00:31,672 --> 00:00:34,306 Except a lot more pork and a lot less Jews. 16 00:00:34,385 --> 00:00:37,086 Anyway, we're excited to have the house to ourselves again. 17 00:00:37,155 --> 00:00:39,889 ♪ Naked breakfast, naked breakfast ♪ 18 00:00:41,126 --> 00:00:42,558 Just ignore it. 19 00:00:42,627 --> 00:00:45,728 ♪ Making sausages and grits, barely coverin' our bits ♪ 20 00:00:46,118 --> 00:00:49,453 ♪ Cookin' a frittata while wearin' nada ♪ 21 00:00:51,457 --> 00:00:54,558 I knew you two would keep the side door unlocked. 22 00:00:54,626 --> 00:00:57,994 What would you do if I were a deranged psychopath? 23 00:00:58,063 --> 00:01:00,464 I'd probably start with, "Hi, Mom, what are you doing here?" 24 00:01:00,532 --> 00:01:02,365 Jerry and I had a terrible row! 25 00:01:02,434 --> 00:01:03,567 Ohh. 26 00:01:03,635 --> 00:01:05,368 Well, put on some pants so we can hug. 27 00:01:05,437 --> 00:01:06,536 - Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Back to back. 28 00:01:06,605 --> 00:01:08,205 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 29 00:01:08,273 --> 00:01:09,573 Why didn't we just back out? 30 00:01:09,641 --> 00:01:11,575 I don't know, but we're already committed to this. 31 00:01:17,649 --> 00:01:22,649 Synced and corrected by BLuk www.addic7ed.com 32 00:01:24,838 --> 00:01:26,320 Okay, last run. 33 00:01:26,337 --> 00:01:29,136 And then we clean up or your mom will be mad. 34 00:01:29,205 --> 00:01:30,937 And go! 35 00:01:34,076 --> 00:01:35,776 Nice job. 36 00:01:35,844 --> 00:01:37,377 Keep her steady. 37 00:01:37,446 --> 00:01:39,079 - Okay. - Got this. 38 00:01:39,916 --> 00:01:41,415 - Oh! - No! 39 00:01:41,483 --> 00:01:45,118 - Oh, no. - Oh, no! 40 00:01:45,187 --> 00:01:46,520 I recently sat for 41 00:01:46,588 --> 00:01:48,989 my Pritchett's Closets presidential portrait. 42 00:01:49,058 --> 00:01:50,857 It's a dumb tradition my dad started, 43 00:01:50,926 --> 00:01:53,026 but I kind of love the way mine turned out. 44 00:01:53,095 --> 00:01:55,495 At least it's more understated than his. 45 00:01:55,564 --> 00:01:57,064 The colors are muted 46 00:01:57,132 --> 00:02:00,667 and I am not wearing a sash and service revolver. 47 00:02:00,736 --> 00:02:01,835 We're dead. 48 00:02:01,904 --> 00:02:03,070 We never should have played with... 49 00:02:03,138 --> 00:02:05,605 Where is the drone? Did you turn it off? 50 00:02:05,674 --> 00:02:07,941 I was asleep. 51 00:02:08,010 --> 00:02:11,345 Wow, this place looks dynamite. 52 00:02:11,413 --> 00:02:14,681 I wanted to give Manny a nice premiere for his movie. 53 00:02:14,750 --> 00:02:17,217 He's been in such a dry spell creatively. 54 00:02:17,286 --> 00:02:19,753 That modern dance recital was like... 55 00:02:19,822 --> 00:02:21,655 Ugh, I couldn't even look at that leotard. 56 00:02:21,724 --> 00:02:24,491 Okay, yeah, he's a terrible dancer, but you don't have to use that word. 57 00:02:24,560 --> 00:02:27,027 For my film class, I wrote and directed a short. 58 00:02:27,096 --> 00:02:29,296 I felt the horror genre was the best way to grapple with 59 00:02:29,365 --> 00:02:30,497 the struggles of our time. 60 00:02:30,566 --> 00:02:32,432 When Manny first came to me with the project... 61 00:02:32,501 --> 00:02:35,001 You read a script I left out and you elbowed your way in. 62 00:02:35,070 --> 00:02:37,070 Semantics. I was gonna be the silent money. 63 00:02:37,139 --> 00:02:39,906 But it turns out I've got some natural storytelling talent, 64 00:02:39,975 --> 00:02:42,109 so I took on a more creative role. 65 00:02:42,177 --> 00:02:44,511 In spite of that, I got my first "A." 66 00:02:44,580 --> 00:02:47,147 Our first "A." 67 00:02:47,216 --> 00:02:49,716 I can't deal with my mother's marriage drama right now. 68 00:02:49,785 --> 00:02:52,452 Nobody gets the love-lorn back on their feet 69 00:02:52,521 --> 00:02:54,187 and out the door faster than we do. 70 00:02:54,256 --> 00:02:57,157 We'll just trot out our... our trusty "heartbreak kit." 71 00:02:57,226 --> 00:02:58,959 Is that in the closet next to the earthquake kit? 72 00:02:59,027 --> 00:03:00,327 And the Eartha Kitt. 73 00:03:00,396 --> 00:03:02,896 Did you put those all in the same place just to delight me? 74 00:03:02,965 --> 00:03:04,931 - I did. - Aww. 75 00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:08,235 So, you have wine, a self-help book, 76 00:03:08,303 --> 00:03:10,804 a-a pillow shaped like the platonic ideal 77 00:03:10,873 --> 00:03:14,274 of a male torso for cuddling and/or punching... 78 00:03:14,343 --> 00:03:18,945 And a DVD we made for you called the "Donna Summer Olympics." 79 00:03:19,014 --> 00:03:21,448 It's a compilation of all the sexiest male athletes 80 00:03:21,517 --> 00:03:23,717 accompanied by the high queen of disco. 81 00:03:23,786 --> 00:03:25,118 Oh, you boys. 82 00:03:25,187 --> 00:03:28,155 So sensitive to a woman's needs. 83 00:03:28,223 --> 00:03:30,490 Unlike Jerry. 84 00:03:30,559 --> 00:03:33,894 Did I tell you that his mother is living with us? 85 00:03:33,962 --> 00:03:35,695 Yeah, no discussion. 86 00:03:35,764 --> 00:03:38,064 She just shows up with her birds. 87 00:03:38,133 --> 00:03:40,700 Well, you know, Mom, relationships take sacrifice. 88 00:03:40,769 --> 00:03:42,636 I mean, when Cam's sister Pam moved in, 89 00:03:42,704 --> 00:03:43,804 it w... it was hard on me. 90 00:03:43,872 --> 00:03:45,572 I-I was constantly worried about 91 00:03:45,641 --> 00:03:48,375 the lost money on the upstairs rental and... 92 00:03:48,444 --> 00:03:51,311 You know, Mitchell, maybe we shouldn't discuss money. 93 00:03:51,380 --> 00:03:52,813 It can be a bit unseemly. 94 00:03:52,881 --> 00:03:54,514 I wasn't planning on being unseemly, 95 00:03:54,583 --> 00:03:57,451 a word I've never heard you use before. 96 00:03:57,519 --> 00:03:59,653 I-I'm simply saying how stressful 97 00:03:59,721 --> 00:04:02,422 having a long-term house guest can be and... 98 00:04:02,491 --> 00:04:05,325 - Oh. - Oh, sweetie, yeah, take a breath. 99 00:04:05,394 --> 00:04:09,129 Oh, my... Oh, my... Oh, my God. No. No. 100 00:04:09,198 --> 00:04:10,430 You used to do this when I was young. 101 00:04:10,499 --> 00:04:12,833 Did you get this move from my mother? 102 00:04:12,901 --> 00:04:17,537 Mitchell, there is no reason for this uns... um, high-temper... 103 00:04:17,606 --> 00:04:19,206 Unseemly! You were gonna say "unseemly"! 104 00:04:19,274 --> 00:04:21,141 Unseemly! You stole that word from her. 105 00:04:21,210 --> 00:04:22,843 Okay, okay, okay. W-What's going on here? 106 00:04:22,911 --> 00:04:24,444 Are you two, um... friends? 107 00:04:24,513 --> 00:04:25,812 Yes. 108 00:04:25,881 --> 00:04:28,882 We talk on the phone, e-mail, exchange recipes. 109 00:04:28,951 --> 00:04:31,418 Oh. Oh, is she the reason we've been eating so much quinoa? 110 00:04:31,487 --> 00:04:33,019 - It's a super-food. - It's a super-food. 111 00:04:33,088 --> 00:04:35,989 Okay, okay. Can I talk to you for a second? 112 00:04:36,058 --> 00:04:37,557 Come on. 113 00:04:37,626 --> 00:04:40,360 Okay, no reason to lie about it, 'cause I already know. 114 00:04:40,429 --> 00:04:42,062 How long have you been involved with this woman? 115 00:04:42,130 --> 00:04:44,297 Can I ask a question? Is there a chance you're just 116 00:04:44,366 --> 00:04:46,733 kind of making this all about Mitchell? 117 00:04:46,816 --> 00:04:48,049 That's her. 118 00:04:48,118 --> 00:04:50,018 Your mouth is moving, but that is her talking. 119 00:04:50,086 --> 00:04:51,486 Okay, don't you see what's happening? 120 00:04:51,554 --> 00:04:53,388 She's manipulating you to manipulate me. 121 00:04:53,456 --> 00:04:56,991 Don't you think I'm smart enough to know if I'm being used? 122 00:04:57,060 --> 00:04:58,593 I also have a mom. 123 00:04:58,661 --> 00:05:00,094 You're out of your league here, bumpkin! 124 00:05:00,163 --> 00:05:01,662 Okay, this is a city mother! 125 00:05:01,731 --> 00:05:05,433 Wow. What happened to the seemly man I married? 126 00:05:05,502 --> 00:05:07,335 You can't use it like that. 127 00:05:07,819 --> 00:05:09,685 Okay, how's it looking? 128 00:05:09,754 --> 00:05:11,086 Not bad. 129 00:05:11,155 --> 00:05:12,655 Who would've thought Mom and Teddy Roosevelt 130 00:05:12,723 --> 00:05:14,323 were identical front-teeth twins? 131 00:05:14,392 --> 00:05:17,259 Okay, just give me a quick minute to dry the glue. 132 00:05:17,328 --> 00:05:19,361 Oh, can you throw that shirt on a hanger for me, actually? 133 00:05:19,430 --> 00:05:21,130 I need to look sharp for Manny's premiere tonight. 134 00:05:21,199 --> 00:05:23,098 I play the Sheriff, which is ironic 135 00:05:23,167 --> 00:05:24,700 because I steal every scene I'm in. 136 00:05:24,769 --> 00:05:25,868 Dad, no! It's melting! 137 00:05:25,937 --> 00:05:27,736 ZZ Top! 138 00:05:27,805 --> 00:05:29,471 I've ruined your mother. 139 00:05:30,827 --> 00:05:31,959 Wait a second. 140 00:05:32,028 --> 00:05:33,360 Today's your mom's monthly spa day. 141 00:05:33,429 --> 00:05:34,528 I'm not following. 142 00:05:34,597 --> 00:05:36,230 Afterwards, th-there's a brief window 143 00:05:36,299 --> 00:05:37,598 when she's at her most relaxed and understanding. 144 00:05:37,667 --> 00:05:39,433 It's the best time to give her bad news. 145 00:05:39,502 --> 00:05:41,101 I was gonna tell her about the $500 146 00:05:41,170 --> 00:05:43,037 I wired to that stranded British guy on the phone, 147 00:05:43,105 --> 00:05:45,105 but this seems more important. 148 00:05:46,949 --> 00:05:48,048 Hi. Is Mom home? 149 00:05:48,117 --> 00:05:50,884 Honey, you look nice. Why? 150 00:05:50,953 --> 00:05:52,419 Did I hear Mom? 151 00:05:52,488 --> 00:05:53,653 Wait, you're dressed like a girl. 152 00:05:53,722 --> 00:05:55,055 No! You are not using the window. 153 00:05:55,124 --> 00:05:56,189 You got the last one! 154 00:05:56,258 --> 00:05:58,025 Did everyone know about this window? 155 00:05:58,093 --> 00:05:59,659 You guys need it too? For what? 156 00:06:02,531 --> 00:06:05,232 Oh, wow. It is not easy doing something that dumb. 157 00:06:05,300 --> 00:06:07,167 Yeah, this is why men are over. 158 00:06:07,236 --> 00:06:09,736 I hope you enjoyed the last 10,000 years. 159 00:06:09,805 --> 00:06:12,338 Listen, I have to bail on our trip with Mom for Mother's Day. 160 00:06:12,383 --> 00:06:14,249 No! I have to bail, you have to go! 161 00:06:14,318 --> 00:06:15,351 She cried when we asked her. 162 00:06:15,419 --> 00:06:17,820 But my boss invited me to the Met Ball. 163 00:06:17,888 --> 00:06:21,190 Her therapy dog got the flu, so I get to fly first class. 164 00:06:21,258 --> 00:06:24,159 - Well, on her lap. - But Bill wants to take me away. 165 00:06:24,228 --> 00:06:25,728 This is the first time I've had a boyfriend 166 00:06:25,796 --> 00:06:27,796 who's not spending Mother's Day watching "Driving Miss Daisy" 167 00:06:27,865 --> 00:06:29,498 and pulling gray hairs out of a hairbrush. 168 00:06:29,567 --> 00:06:32,401 Three asks in one window, it's unprecedented. 169 00:06:32,470 --> 00:06:34,336 If we're gonna pull this off, we're gonna have to make this 170 00:06:34,405 --> 00:06:37,405 the most relaxing environment she's ever walked into. 171 00:06:38,386 --> 00:06:39,485 Surprise! 172 00:06:39,554 --> 00:06:40,953 - Nana! - Dede! 173 00:06:41,022 --> 00:06:42,521 I'm sorry to barge in. 174 00:06:42,590 --> 00:06:44,323 I was visiting Cam and Mitch, 175 00:06:44,392 --> 00:06:46,992 and there's some tension over there. 176 00:06:47,061 --> 00:06:48,861 Well, where's my daughter? 177 00:06:48,930 --> 00:06:52,198 I don't hear any cooking or cleaning sounds 178 00:06:52,266 --> 00:06:54,300 so I assume she's home. 179 00:06:55,670 --> 00:06:57,069 Dad, what do we do? 180 00:06:57,138 --> 00:06:59,004 Mitchell must've brought her. Maybe he's still out... 181 00:07:00,208 --> 00:07:01,540 Coward! 182 00:07:01,863 --> 00:07:04,229 Oh, just in time. 183 00:07:04,298 --> 00:07:07,698 "Chapter Five... Toss that clown, he's been keeping you down." 184 00:07:07,767 --> 00:07:09,367 Cam, I spent my whole life 185 00:07:09,435 --> 00:07:11,836 trying to get out from underneath my mother's thumb, 186 00:07:11,904 --> 00:07:14,071 and I-I finally thought that that was over. 187 00:07:14,140 --> 00:07:15,539 So to find out that she's been 188 00:07:15,608 --> 00:07:17,408 secretly managing me through you... 189 00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:19,437 Okay, before you throw a clot, 190 00:07:19,506 --> 00:07:21,840 please, come look at my laptop. 191 00:07:21,909 --> 00:07:24,209 Read the e-mails your mother and I have sent. 192 00:07:24,278 --> 00:07:25,911 743 e-mails! 193 00:07:25,979 --> 00:07:27,579 It's mostly from one thread. 194 00:07:27,648 --> 00:07:30,215 - Okay, look what she says in this one. - Mm-hmm. 195 00:07:30,284 --> 00:07:33,318 - "Some kitchen items you might like." - Mm-hmm. 196 00:07:33,387 --> 00:07:36,888 - The stove, the tiles... - What? 197 00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:40,258 ...the... the... the folksy sign on the wall, Cam! 198 00:07:40,296 --> 00:07:42,129 You said that these were your ideas. 199 00:07:42,198 --> 00:07:43,864 D-Don't you see she incepted you 200 00:07:43,933 --> 00:07:45,700 and... and designed our whole kitchen?! 201 00:07:45,768 --> 00:07:48,936 It was all so diabolical, and it went deep. 202 00:07:49,005 --> 00:07:51,239 She tricked us into making every decision in our lives. 203 00:07:51,307 --> 00:07:53,074 For example, 12 years ago, 204 00:07:53,142 --> 00:07:55,409 she sent me pictures of adorable Asian babies. 205 00:07:55,478 --> 00:07:57,812 While hitting me with a little reverse psychology. 206 00:07:57,880 --> 00:08:01,382 "Mitchell, America has taken so much from the Vietnamese, 207 00:08:01,451 --> 00:08:04,185 do you really want to snatch one of their children?" 208 00:08:04,833 --> 00:08:06,265 I do if you don't want me to! 209 00:08:06,334 --> 00:08:08,267 Oh, my God, 2004?! 210 00:08:08,336 --> 00:08:10,169 Th-That's a year into our relationship. 211 00:08:10,238 --> 00:08:13,172 "Oh, Cam, I hate to think of you living all alone 212 00:08:13,241 --> 00:08:15,441 in that tiny apartment with a broken ankle." 213 00:08:15,529 --> 00:08:17,696 And on the same day, she's e-mailing you, 214 00:08:17,765 --> 00:08:20,199 "It's too soon to move in with someone. 215 00:08:20,267 --> 00:08:21,934 I strongly discourage it." 216 00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:23,635 Which is exactly why I did it. 217 00:08:23,704 --> 00:08:26,372 - And because you love me so much. - And because we were in love. 218 00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:28,474 - Oh, my God. - Mitchell. 219 00:08:28,542 --> 00:08:30,509 - She's everywhere. - She is. 220 00:08:30,578 --> 00:08:33,779 Cam. 221 00:08:33,848 --> 00:08:35,581 I'm scared. 222 00:08:35,969 --> 00:08:37,869 Jay, you're abusing my editor. 223 00:08:37,938 --> 00:08:39,204 Wait, stop. Back it up. 224 00:08:39,273 --> 00:08:40,605 No, no. The movie's done. 225 00:08:40,674 --> 00:08:42,207 We can't keep arguing about this! 226 00:08:42,276 --> 00:08:43,542 Don't we both want to cut the sheriff?! 227 00:08:43,610 --> 00:08:45,043 Yes! He stinks on ice! 228 00:08:45,112 --> 00:08:47,379 But it hurts the story if we don't stay on him long enough 229 00:08:47,448 --> 00:08:49,548 in the closet to see the terror on his face! 230 00:08:49,616 --> 00:08:51,349 You just want to see the Pritchett's Closets emblem 231 00:08:51,418 --> 00:08:52,551 next to his head! 232 00:08:52,619 --> 00:08:54,619 No, no, no, not again! 233 00:08:54,688 --> 00:08:57,823 The red carpet that they sent me is orange, 234 00:08:57,891 --> 00:08:59,458 and they keep putting me on hold. 235 00:08:59,526 --> 00:09:03,194 I never thought that I could hate hearing "She Bangs" over and over. 236 00:09:03,209 --> 00:09:04,209 - You didn't? - Really? 237 00:09:04,277 --> 00:09:05,409 Manny, give me the movie. 238 00:09:05,478 --> 00:09:07,144 I need to make sure that the projector is working 239 00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:08,512 and that the picture is good. 240 00:09:08,581 --> 00:09:09,980 Here, take it. It's done, anyway. 241 00:09:10,049 --> 00:09:11,949 I don't know what to do with this. 242 00:09:12,036 --> 00:09:13,636 I'm gonna need to borrow your nerd. 243 00:09:13,705 --> 00:09:15,738 And why don't you go get me a tomato juice? 244 00:09:15,807 --> 00:09:18,174 Look, I know we've had our creative differences, 245 00:09:18,242 --> 00:09:20,409 but I really think we have a hit on our hands. 246 00:09:20,478 --> 00:09:21,777 I'm pretty proud of it, too. 247 00:09:21,846 --> 00:09:24,146 And a little nervous to put it out there. 248 00:09:24,215 --> 00:09:26,582 'Cause you made the monster just like Mom? 249 00:09:26,651 --> 00:09:28,818 - No, we didn't. - What are you talking about? 250 00:09:28,886 --> 00:09:31,787 That noise. It's what she says all the time. 251 00:09:33,925 --> 00:09:35,057 She's coming! 252 00:09:41,332 --> 00:09:44,866 Stella, no! Out, out! I'll kill you! 253 00:09:46,362 --> 00:09:47,627 How could this happen?! 254 00:09:47,696 --> 00:09:51,465 We spent weeks perfecting the monster's trademark scream 255 00:09:51,533 --> 00:09:54,801 by combining a bunch of unsettling noises. 256 00:09:54,870 --> 00:09:57,337 Horror movies are all about the sound. 257 00:09:57,406 --> 00:09:59,539 Particularly when your special effects budget 258 00:09:59,608 --> 00:10:01,575 has been repurposed for an on-set massage chair. 259 00:10:01,643 --> 00:10:03,910 Hey, you used it just as much as I did. 260 00:10:04,272 --> 00:10:06,439 So, our monster sounds like your mother screaming? 261 00:10:06,508 --> 00:10:07,907 But we didn't know that before we put it in, right? 262 00:10:07,976 --> 00:10:10,109 - No, of course not, we love her. - To the moon. 263 00:10:10,178 --> 00:10:11,244 Maybe she won't notice. 264 00:10:11,312 --> 00:10:12,345 We better hope not. 265 00:10:12,414 --> 00:10:14,514 - It's your movie. - It's your movie. 266 00:10:16,351 --> 00:10:18,184 She's asleep? How lucky. 267 00:10:18,253 --> 00:10:19,619 Kind of lucky. 268 00:10:19,688 --> 00:10:22,655 She said she was tired and Haley gave her some... tea. 269 00:10:23,028 --> 00:10:24,761 What was in the tea? 270 00:10:24,830 --> 00:10:26,630 You want her asleep, or you want to ask questions? 271 00:10:26,699 --> 00:10:27,699 Mom just pulled up! 272 00:10:27,766 --> 00:10:29,132 Quick, longest straw goes first with her, 273 00:10:29,201 --> 00:10:31,134 then medium, then shortest. 274 00:10:31,203 --> 00:10:32,669 -Yes! -Yes! 275 00:10:32,738 --> 00:10:35,439 - That's the short straw. You're last. - Oh, damn it! 276 00:10:35,508 --> 00:10:37,407 I'm so used to a world where the smallest size wins. 277 00:10:37,476 --> 00:10:39,877 This sucks, you guys are gonna use up all of Mom's happy buzz. 278 00:10:39,945 --> 00:10:42,412 - Oh, there she is! She's here! - Hurry! 279 00:10:45,238 --> 00:10:47,475 Cover her up so Mom can't see! 280 00:10:48,487 --> 00:10:51,255 - There she is! - There's my beautiful family! 281 00:10:51,323 --> 00:10:54,124 - Hi, Mom. - Hi, Mom. 282 00:10:54,193 --> 00:10:55,425 Wait, why are those shirts over there? 283 00:10:55,494 --> 00:10:57,094 Oh, sorry. We didn't finish the laundry. 284 00:10:57,162 --> 00:10:59,396 Oh, well, don't sweat it, handsome. 285 00:10:59,465 --> 00:11:01,665 Read a paper, we ain't got problems. 286 00:11:01,734 --> 00:11:04,835 So, Mom, we made you lunch, but it's so pretty outside. 287 00:11:04,904 --> 00:11:06,003 Let's have a little picnic. 288 00:11:06,071 --> 00:11:08,105 Yeah, I love that idea. Fun in the sun. 289 00:11:08,173 --> 00:11:10,374 - Have some fun outdoors. - Life is a picnic. 290 00:11:10,442 --> 00:11:12,109 I'm happy right here. 291 00:11:12,177 --> 00:11:13,644 Okay. 292 00:11:13,669 --> 00:11:16,122 Wow, this looks good. 293 00:11:16,930 --> 00:11:18,104 What? 294 00:11:18,172 --> 00:11:20,172 Oh, we're just so nervous that we overdressed the salad. 295 00:11:20,241 --> 00:11:21,540 I can't even watch you taste it. 296 00:11:21,609 --> 00:11:23,109 Oh, please. 297 00:11:23,177 --> 00:11:26,312 Mmm. 298 00:11:26,381 --> 00:11:27,780 Honey, this is so good. What... 299 00:11:27,849 --> 00:11:30,082 Mom, I-I hate to have to ask you this, 300 00:11:30,151 --> 00:11:32,885 but would you mind if I missed out on our Mother's Day trip? 301 00:11:32,954 --> 00:11:34,286 Oh, no, why? 302 00:11:34,355 --> 00:11:36,322 Well, Bill only gets one weekend off a month, 303 00:11:36,391 --> 00:11:38,557 and he wants to take me to the Grand Canyon. 304 00:11:38,626 --> 00:11:40,292 - On a motorcycle. - What?! 305 00:11:40,361 --> 00:11:42,962 Phil, chill. 306 00:11:44,165 --> 00:11:48,267 Sweetie, as your mom, I know I should say no, 307 00:11:48,335 --> 00:11:49,568 but let's face it, 308 00:11:49,637 --> 00:11:51,603 those books aren't keeping you warm at night. 309 00:11:51,672 --> 00:11:53,705 Let's get some bugs in those teeth, huh? 310 00:11:53,774 --> 00:11:56,975 Mom, you are the best. Thank you so much. 311 00:11:57,044 --> 00:11:59,444 That is so sweet. 312 00:11:59,513 --> 00:12:01,780 Weren't you just wearing jeans? 313 00:12:01,849 --> 00:12:05,684 No, I was not, and, Miss Dunphy, my eyes are up here. 314 00:12:05,753 --> 00:12:07,719 Oh. 315 00:12:07,788 --> 00:12:08,887 What is that sound? 316 00:12:08,956 --> 00:12:10,289 - The house is settling. - My stomach. 317 00:12:10,357 --> 00:12:12,391 Anyways, things are really good at work, Mom. 318 00:12:12,459 --> 00:12:13,725 Haley's trying to cut. 319 00:12:13,794 --> 00:12:15,160 I finally realized how much sacrifice it takes 320 00:12:15,229 --> 00:12:16,495 to have a career. 321 00:12:16,564 --> 00:12:18,263 You know, my boss, like, she wants me to go with her 322 00:12:18,332 --> 00:12:19,498 - on this business trip. - Mm-hmm. 323 00:12:19,567 --> 00:12:21,233 But it couldn't come at a worse weekend. 324 00:12:21,302 --> 00:12:23,101 Welcome to the struggle, sister. 325 00:12:23,170 --> 00:12:25,571 - The window's gonna close. - Window? What... What window? 326 00:12:25,639 --> 00:12:27,372 Great news. We moved the box in the garage. 327 00:12:27,441 --> 00:12:29,741 - The craziest thing happened... -Talk about crazy things. 328 00:12:29,810 --> 00:12:31,143 You know how the Met Ball is in New York 329 00:12:31,212 --> 00:12:33,212 and how I weigh the same as a medium-sized dog? 330 00:12:33,280 --> 00:12:34,613 Haley, the grownups are talking! 331 00:12:34,682 --> 00:12:36,281 Guys, guys, guys, the knots are coming back. 332 00:12:36,350 --> 00:12:37,649 Mom, I'm bailing on our trip! 333 00:12:37,718 --> 00:12:39,384 I made Dad play and we flew our drone into your face! 334 00:12:39,453 --> 00:12:41,954 A man named Nigel Pickles may have our bank account numbers! 335 00:12:42,022 --> 00:12:44,089 - I'm gonna go. - Stop! 336 00:12:44,692 --> 00:12:47,426 Sit down! 337 00:12:47,495 --> 00:12:50,262 Clearly, you all have bad news to tell me. 338 00:12:50,331 --> 00:12:52,631 But do you have to dump it on me when I'm in a good mood? 339 00:12:52,700 --> 00:12:56,034 Oh, my God, you did! That's what the window is! 340 00:12:56,103 --> 00:12:59,004 The one hour a month when I am a human to you people. 341 00:12:59,073 --> 00:13:00,172 Sometimes it's longer. 342 00:13:00,241 --> 00:13:01,707 Let me tell you something. 343 00:13:01,776 --> 00:13:03,408 You debutantes have it easy. 344 00:13:03,477 --> 00:13:05,711 You wouldn't have survived one day 345 00:13:05,780 --> 00:13:07,079 in the house where I grew up, 346 00:13:07,148 --> 00:13:10,516 where an actual crazy person was running the show. 347 00:13:10,584 --> 00:13:13,018 - Um, Claire... - The guilting, the shaming, 348 00:13:13,087 --> 00:13:15,053 the number of times I heard 349 00:13:15,122 --> 00:13:18,423 - "Where did I go wrong with you?" - Where did I go wrong with you? 350 00:13:18,526 --> 00:13:20,258 - Mom. - Mom, Nana's here. 351 00:13:20,332 --> 00:13:21,665 Yeah. I'm sorry. 352 00:13:21,733 --> 00:13:24,367 Save it. I know where I'm not wanted. 353 00:13:24,436 --> 00:13:26,603 And no, I'm not trying to guilt you. 354 00:13:26,672 --> 00:13:28,505 I can't waste the energy on that, 355 00:13:28,574 --> 00:13:30,874 as I am basically homeless 356 00:13:30,943 --> 00:13:34,077 now that my marriage has unraveled. 357 00:13:35,314 --> 00:13:37,180 - Claire... - No! 358 00:13:37,249 --> 00:13:40,150 No! We are going to sit here in silence 359 00:13:40,219 --> 00:13:43,687 until it is my turn to storm out. 360 00:13:45,457 --> 00:13:47,324 No drinking! 361 00:13:47,392 --> 00:13:48,492 For you. 362 00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:51,612 If Mom starts to think the monster sounds familiar, 363 00:13:51,681 --> 00:13:53,647 I say we tell her it's Stella barking. 364 00:13:53,715 --> 00:13:56,182 And hurt Stella's feelings? Think! 365 00:13:59,688 --> 00:14:01,287 Dede? What are you doing here? 366 00:14:01,356 --> 00:14:03,389 Our children are horrible. 367 00:14:03,457 --> 00:14:05,724 I'm sorry to barge in. 368 00:14:05,793 --> 00:14:08,260 Oh. Gloria's holding a soiree. 369 00:14:08,329 --> 00:14:10,229 I should go. 370 00:14:10,298 --> 00:14:12,431 You will do no such thing. 371 00:14:12,500 --> 00:14:14,567 You come with me, young lady. 372 00:14:14,635 --> 00:14:15,935 She was the perfect secret weapon. 373 00:14:16,003 --> 00:14:17,603 We send her upstairs to freshen up, 374 00:14:17,672 --> 00:14:20,239 just before the movie starts, we drop the Dede bomb. 375 00:14:20,337 --> 00:14:22,204 Gloria's flustered, off her game, 376 00:14:22,273 --> 00:14:24,006 she doesn't even pay attention to the film. 377 00:14:24,074 --> 00:14:25,540 You still got it. 378 00:14:25,609 --> 00:14:27,042 And to think I was worried last night 379 00:14:27,111 --> 00:14:28,877 when you kept trying to turn on your phone flashlight 380 00:14:28,946 --> 00:14:32,247 and ended up taking 30 pictures of your angry face. 381 00:14:32,723 --> 00:14:36,324 There they are, my handsome movie makers. 382 00:14:37,337 --> 00:14:38,660 What are you wearing? 383 00:14:38,729 --> 00:14:40,495 What are you wearing? 384 00:14:40,564 --> 00:14:42,497 What are you wearing? 385 00:14:42,566 --> 00:14:43,665 Whatever I want. 386 00:14:43,734 --> 00:14:45,500 Okay, I just found out that my mother 387 00:14:45,569 --> 00:14:47,703 has been secretly controlling every decision we've ever made, 388 00:14:47,771 --> 00:14:50,305 so we are taking our lives back. 389 00:14:50,347 --> 00:14:52,481 She thinks this color washes me out. Well, guess what? 390 00:14:52,550 --> 00:14:54,683 - She was right? - You match the carpet. 391 00:14:54,752 --> 00:14:56,251 Use more teeth when you talk, 392 00:14:56,320 --> 00:14:57,853 because I'm losing your whole face. 393 00:14:57,922 --> 00:14:59,221 Okay, pay them no never mind. 394 00:14:59,290 --> 00:15:00,889 Uh, she also implied 15 years ago 395 00:15:00,958 --> 00:15:03,892 that Cam's accent was trashy, so that's also happening. 396 00:15:03,961 --> 00:15:05,294 Yep, and it came right back to me 397 00:15:05,362 --> 00:15:07,262 like a cheatin' husband on his rent day. 398 00:15:07,331 --> 00:15:09,398 Grab yourselves a drink. 399 00:15:10,465 --> 00:15:12,499 Sorry I'm late. 400 00:15:12,568 --> 00:15:15,202 What the hell? Does no one know what 401 00:15:15,270 --> 00:15:17,871 "upscale cocktail Hollywood glamour fabulous" means? 402 00:15:17,940 --> 00:15:19,272 - Hello. - Gloria. 403 00:15:19,341 --> 00:15:21,308 No, I don't. I'm sorry. I had to run off some rage. 404 00:15:21,376 --> 00:15:24,611 Mitchell, you're a lawyer. Can I divorce my whole family? 405 00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:27,247 Are you even facing me right now? 406 00:15:27,316 --> 00:15:30,650 Tarnation, here comes your kin! Git! Git! 407 00:15:30,719 --> 00:15:32,385 Sorry, I'm still working on the balance. 408 00:15:32,454 --> 00:15:35,422 Oh, there's Mom. Luke, turn your cute on. 409 00:15:36,692 --> 00:15:39,526 There's my Sheriff. 410 00:15:39,595 --> 00:15:41,661 Go. I want to take a picture with the poster. 411 00:15:41,730 --> 00:15:43,463 I'm sorry, I'm not really in a place... 412 00:15:43,532 --> 00:15:45,832 Pose. 413 00:15:45,901 --> 00:15:47,500 Ow! 414 00:15:49,998 --> 00:15:53,206 Mitchell? Sorry, I didn't see you against the carpet. 415 00:15:54,882 --> 00:15:57,583 Mommy? Nope. Not cute anymore. You're 40. 416 00:15:57,652 --> 00:16:00,486 You know, forgiveness creates a biochemical reaction that... 417 00:16:00,554 --> 00:16:02,121 Don't care. You're up. 418 00:16:05,092 --> 00:16:07,526 You're gone, aren't you? 419 00:16:07,595 --> 00:16:11,664 Okay, everybody, sit down. It's time to watch the movie! 420 00:16:11,732 --> 00:16:12,931 Is Mom still at your house? 421 00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:15,334 Oh, no, she ran off all mad at me. 422 00:16:15,403 --> 00:16:16,502 I guess I'm not getting 423 00:16:16,570 --> 00:16:18,437 a recycled hemp Christmas card this year. 424 00:16:18,506 --> 00:16:20,906 Well, Cam and I have a tiny bone to pick with her, too, 425 00:16:20,975 --> 00:16:22,508 for controlling our entire lives. 426 00:16:22,576 --> 00:16:25,144 Not that it'll matter. We all know what she's gonna say. 427 00:16:25,212 --> 00:16:27,979 - "Well, forgive me for caring." - Well, forgive me for caring. 428 00:16:28,155 --> 00:16:30,655 - Are you kidding?! - Look who dropped in. 429 00:16:30,854 --> 00:16:32,554 What a surprise. 430 00:16:32,622 --> 00:16:34,122 Let me get you a chair. 431 00:16:34,191 --> 00:16:36,758 Oh, don't bother. Sitting's the new smoking. 432 00:16:36,827 --> 00:16:38,059 Mom, we need to talk. 433 00:16:38,128 --> 00:16:39,160 Oh, no, no. 434 00:16:39,229 --> 00:16:40,695 Just get in line, sweetie. 435 00:16:40,764 --> 00:16:43,865 Oh, shoot. Well, family first. Let's reschedule the premiere. 436 00:16:43,934 --> 00:16:46,201 No. You will talk later. 437 00:16:46,269 --> 00:16:48,136 Nerd, the lights! 438 00:16:54,177 --> 00:16:56,277 Here comes the first test. 439 00:17:02,519 --> 00:17:05,919 I can't believe that Dede is standing up. 440 00:17:05,953 --> 00:17:07,152 Worked like a charm. 441 00:17:07,221 --> 00:17:09,788 I don't know what was more genius, bringing Dede in, 442 00:17:09,857 --> 00:17:12,291 or hooking the audience early with some teenage sex. 443 00:17:12,360 --> 00:17:14,326 You were right to fight for that. 444 00:17:19,166 --> 00:17:20,466 This is my big scene. 445 00:17:20,534 --> 00:17:21,667 Big whoop. 446 00:17:21,736 --> 00:17:24,970 Everybody, stop! 447 00:17:25,039 --> 00:17:26,772 We're better than this. 448 00:17:28,755 --> 00:17:34,025 So let's just think about that! 449 00:17:34,835 --> 00:17:37,235 I don't know if I was being oversensitive 450 00:17:37,304 --> 00:17:40,472 because of my situation with Claire, but that editing stung. 451 00:17:40,541 --> 00:17:43,642 My huge speech, a fight with the townspeople, all gone. 452 00:17:45,179 --> 00:17:47,412 I'll never forget you. 453 00:17:49,456 --> 00:17:50,456 _ 454 00:17:50,567 --> 00:17:52,017 Bravo bravo! 455 00:17:52,086 --> 00:17:53,352 All right, then. 456 00:17:53,420 --> 00:17:56,254 - Yeah. - Very nice. 457 00:17:56,323 --> 00:17:57,823 Fine filmmaking, Manuel. 458 00:17:57,891 --> 00:17:59,558 You really got to something visceral. 459 00:17:59,627 --> 00:18:01,727 I feel like I've met that monster. 460 00:18:01,795 --> 00:18:04,029 No, no, no. It's all fiction. Now let's go eat. 461 00:18:04,098 --> 00:18:05,464 No, you know what, that scream 462 00:18:05,532 --> 00:18:07,299 actually sounded somehow familiar. 463 00:18:07,368 --> 00:18:08,834 - Yeah, it did, didn't it? - Yeah. 464 00:18:08,929 --> 00:18:11,663 Stella, no! No! Out, out, out! I'll kill you! 465 00:18:13,634 --> 00:18:15,234 Oh. 466 00:18:15,302 --> 00:18:16,535 What? 467 00:18:18,186 --> 00:18:21,220 You made me into your monster! 468 00:18:21,289 --> 00:18:22,348 Not on purpose. 469 00:18:22,357 --> 00:18:25,057 It's just a bunch of awful sounds laid on top of each other. 470 00:18:25,187 --> 00:18:26,786 How is that better? 471 00:18:26,855 --> 00:18:29,556 - Well, at least you were in the film. - Phil! 472 00:18:29,625 --> 00:18:31,558 Well, now that we've reached the Q&A portion of the evening, 473 00:18:31,627 --> 00:18:34,828 I do have a question for Mom, if that's okay with her. 474 00:18:34,897 --> 00:18:36,329 Or do you want to tell Cam to tell me what to do 475 00:18:36,398 --> 00:18:38,265 and then use reverse psychology on me? 476 00:18:38,333 --> 00:18:40,233 Mitchell, if you want to confront me about something, 477 00:18:40,302 --> 00:18:41,568 do it now. 478 00:18:41,637 --> 00:18:44,137 No, I'm... I'm gonna do it when I want to do it. 479 00:18:44,206 --> 00:18:48,307 Well, anyway, you look lovely in the salmon suit. 480 00:18:48,335 --> 00:18:49,634 Oh, you know what? You know what? 481 00:18:49,703 --> 00:18:51,370 Okay, well, how about this? Huh? 482 00:18:52,706 --> 00:18:54,106 - You realize what she just... - I do realize now. 483 00:18:54,174 --> 00:18:55,507 Okay, you two are being ridiculous. 484 00:18:55,576 --> 00:18:57,209 And if I may come to Mom's defense for just a moment... 485 00:18:57,276 --> 00:18:58,276 - Oh, yeah. - What?! 486 00:18:58,345 --> 00:18:59,578 Yes! Yeah, uh-huh, 487 00:18:59,646 --> 00:19:02,881 and not just because I owe her an apology, which I do. 488 00:19:02,997 --> 00:19:04,530 But, I mean, do you like your lives? 489 00:19:04,599 --> 00:19:06,432 Are you happy with the way things turned out? 490 00:19:06,501 --> 00:19:07,600 Instead of blaming Mom 491 00:19:07,669 --> 00:19:09,368 for helping you make the right choices, 492 00:19:09,437 --> 00:19:11,404 how about thanking her? 493 00:19:11,473 --> 00:19:16,008 You know, it's not so easy to be the one who always knows best. 494 00:19:16,077 --> 00:19:19,846 In fact, it can make you a little tense sometimes. 495 00:19:20,381 --> 00:19:23,716 This amazing woman runs a company, 496 00:19:23,785 --> 00:19:25,017 she runs a family, 497 00:19:25,086 --> 00:19:28,054 and you don't show her any appreciation. 498 00:19:28,983 --> 00:19:30,883 Just like you two. 499 00:19:30,952 --> 00:19:33,553 I put you two together to do this movie 500 00:19:33,621 --> 00:19:36,189 and you turn me into your devil creature. 501 00:19:36,257 --> 00:19:37,523 What do you mean you put us together? 502 00:19:37,592 --> 00:19:39,892 I left Manny's script out so that you would see it 503 00:19:39,961 --> 00:19:41,060 and you would get involved. 504 00:19:41,129 --> 00:19:43,663 I knew that this movie was not going to be good 505 00:19:43,731 --> 00:19:46,866 unless I would take his artsy weirdness 506 00:19:46,935 --> 00:19:48,968 and balance it with your low-brow, 507 00:19:49,037 --> 00:19:51,170 couch-tomato sensibility. 508 00:19:51,239 --> 00:19:53,706 And that's why it was so great. 509 00:19:53,775 --> 00:19:55,474 Gloria, I know what you put up with. 510 00:19:55,543 --> 00:19:57,410 I-I was married to Jay. 511 00:19:57,478 --> 00:19:59,779 You are a saint to stick around. 512 00:19:59,848 --> 00:20:01,447 Especially with that bosom, 513 00:20:01,516 --> 00:20:03,816 - you could get any guy in town. - Mm-hmm. 514 00:20:03,885 --> 00:20:08,020 So, unfortunately, this is what families do... 515 00:20:08,089 --> 00:20:10,456 they turn mothers into monsters. 516 00:20:10,525 --> 00:20:11,891 - Mom, that's not fair. - That's not what we're doing. 517 00:20:15,181 --> 00:20:18,182 Everybody stop! 518 00:20:18,251 --> 00:20:19,817 We're better than this. 519 00:20:19,886 --> 00:20:23,354 What are monsters, but pure, beautiful creatures 520 00:20:23,423 --> 00:20:25,289 we project our fears onto? 521 00:20:25,358 --> 00:20:27,124 And are they even scary, 522 00:20:27,193 --> 00:20:28,859 or are we just too terrified to look inside 523 00:20:28,928 --> 00:20:31,395 and see the ugliness and inadequacies in ourselves? 524 00:20:33,032 --> 00:20:35,299 So... 525 00:20:35,368 --> 00:20:37,868 let's just think about that. 526 00:20:37,937 --> 00:20:39,336 Thank you, Phil. 527 00:20:39,405 --> 00:20:40,971 - That's a nice start. - He's right. 528 00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:42,973 - You're not a monster. - Mom, we're sorry. 529 00:20:43,042 --> 00:20:44,742 We love you, sweetheart. 530 00:20:45,211 --> 00:20:47,744 If Phil had been half that good when we were rollin', 531 00:20:47,813 --> 00:20:48,912 we never would've cut that speech. 532 00:20:48,981 --> 00:20:50,214 He finally just trusted the words. 533 00:20:51,368 --> 00:20:54,609 Everybody stop. Oh. I'm stuck. 534 00:20:54,644 --> 00:20:57,905 - Is... Is this props or wardrobe? - Cut! 535 00:20:58,476 --> 00:21:00,890 Stop! Everybody, I can't stop! 536 00:21:01,487 --> 00:21:04,086 Everybody... Line? 537 00:21:04,111 --> 00:21:07,388 Everybody stop! We're better than this! 538 00:21:07,413 --> 00:21:10,348 - That's a cut! - I'm sorry, guys, I'm not hearing it. 539 00:21:10,373 --> 00:21:13,655 Oh actually I'm at work, do you think I could send you a picture of the rash? 540 00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:15,881 - Damn it Phil, you're in the shot! - Oh, oh! 541 00:21:17,793 --> 00:21:19,879 Scoot! 542 00:21:19,904 --> 00:21:24,904 Synced and corrected by BLuk www.addic7ed.com