1 00:00:01,033 --> 00:00:02,368 Huh. 2 00:00:05,420 --> 00:00:07,388 My super-awesome family 3 00:00:07,422 --> 00:00:10,190 was throwing me a surprise early birthday party. 4 00:00:10,192 --> 00:00:12,076 I'm guess I'm the only one at home. 5 00:00:12,127 --> 00:00:13,260 - How could you do this?! - Dad! 6 00:00:13,294 --> 00:00:14,428 You were supposed to be my hero! 7 00:00:14,462 --> 00:00:15,629 You let me down! 8 00:00:15,663 --> 00:00:18,399 Or I forgot to meet the electrician today 9 00:00:18,433 --> 00:00:20,567 to fix our faulty junction box. 10 00:00:21,570 --> 00:00:23,303 Guys, I'm not gonna make excuses. 11 00:00:23,338 --> 00:00:24,772 I've been really busy at work. 12 00:00:24,806 --> 00:00:26,607 Well, I was halfway through straightening my hair. 13 00:00:26,609 --> 00:00:27,609 And I was in the middle 14 00:00:27,675 --> 00:00:28,926 of doing three weeks' worth of laundry. 15 00:00:29,306 --> 00:00:31,207 And I was actually writing a term paper 16 00:00:31,241 --> 00:00:33,709 right when the lights went out, and... what? 17 00:00:33,794 --> 00:00:34,844 This isn't soda. 18 00:00:34,878 --> 00:00:36,212 Okay, before you guys say anything, 19 00:00:36,263 --> 00:00:38,131 I only put this on because I didn't have anything -- 20 00:00:40,467 --> 00:00:41,467 Aah! 21 00:00:41,518 --> 00:00:43,853 Well, the problem obviously self-corrected, 22 00:00:43,887 --> 00:00:45,304 which I knew it would. 23 00:00:45,355 --> 00:00:46,639 Well, I fixed it. 24 00:00:46,690 --> 00:00:47,940 Yeah, mom called a guy. 25 00:00:47,975 --> 00:00:50,776 Oh, Claire, I'm so sorry. I got busy at work, and -- 26 00:00:50,811 --> 00:00:52,311 Oh, honey, don't even worry about it. 27 00:00:52,313 --> 00:00:54,614 Mwah. I'm just glad the fridge is up and running. 28 00:00:54,648 --> 00:00:56,816 I pre-packed all the lunches for tomorrow. 29 00:00:56,867 --> 00:00:59,619 I didn't want the Brie on the sandwiches to get runny. 30 00:00:59,653 --> 00:01:00,453 Brie? 31 00:01:00,487 --> 00:01:01,454 Don't tell me any more. 32 00:01:01,488 --> 00:01:02,655 I live for the surprise. 33 00:01:02,657 --> 00:01:04,790 Hey, Mom, I know you're really busy at work, but -- 34 00:01:04,825 --> 00:01:07,159 Sweetheart, I would never use that as an excuse. 35 00:01:07,161 --> 00:01:08,210 What do you need? 36 00:01:08,245 --> 00:01:09,545 - The cupcakes for the bake sale. - Okay. 37 00:01:09,579 --> 00:01:10,913 Oh, and since we got stuck here, 38 00:01:10,964 --> 00:01:11,998 I couldn't go out and get 39 00:01:12,049 --> 00:01:13,049 that birthday present for my roommate. 40 00:01:13,083 --> 00:01:14,383 Or my dress from the dry cleaners. 41 00:01:14,418 --> 00:01:16,335 Done, done, and done. 42 00:01:17,338 --> 00:01:19,221 - We have the best mom ever. - Hugs! 43 00:01:19,256 --> 00:01:20,506 Okay. Aww. 44 00:01:20,508 --> 00:01:22,508 - Wait, wait, guys. Guys, Dad's here. - Oh. 45 00:01:22,510 --> 00:01:25,144 Dad, take a photo of us hugging Mom. 46 00:01:25,178 --> 00:01:26,712 Until now, when I'd screw up on the home front, 47 00:01:26,746 --> 00:01:28,380 I could always blame work, 48 00:01:28,415 --> 00:01:29,648 but with Claire running a company 49 00:01:29,683 --> 00:01:30,916 and being a better mom than ever, 50 00:01:30,951 --> 00:01:32,251 I could feel the kids downgrading 51 00:01:32,285 --> 00:01:33,445 their whole opinion of me. 52 00:01:33,487 --> 00:01:35,955 I went from an "A" dad to an "F" dad. 53 00:01:35,989 --> 00:01:40,526 Fail Dunphy. Phil Dun-fail. 54 00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:45,030 Failip Hum-fail Dun-- No, I had it before. 55 00:01:45,032 --> 00:01:45,865 Say "Brie." 56 00:01:45,916 --> 00:01:47,032 Brie! 57 00:01:47,083 --> 00:01:48,367 Hey, you know what? 58 00:01:48,418 --> 00:01:50,619 I could do some of that kid stuff tomorrow. 59 00:01:50,670 --> 00:01:52,538 You've got that open house. 60 00:01:52,540 --> 00:01:55,290 Honey, I've been juggling work and family for 22 years 61 00:01:55,342 --> 00:01:56,842 and just juggling for 30. 62 00:01:56,876 --> 00:01:58,711 Well, I really need that dress for an event, so -- 63 00:01:58,762 --> 00:01:59,712 I got it. 64 00:01:59,714 --> 00:02:01,880 Agenda for tomorrow -- One dress, 65 00:02:01,882 --> 00:02:05,718 one set of cupcakes, one present, and that's it. 66 00:02:05,769 --> 00:02:07,519 I got ya! You thought I forgot. 67 00:02:07,554 --> 00:02:11,056 I will be here to meet the alarm company at precisely 3:40... 68 00:02:13,059 --> 00:02:15,060 ...earlier today. 69 00:02:24,114 --> 00:02:27,447 Synced and corrected by gloriabg www.addic7ed.com 70 00:02:30,067 --> 00:02:31,671 You didn't make enough noise last night? 71 00:02:32,173 --> 00:02:34,473 With all his crying, I didn't sleep four hours. 72 00:02:34,508 --> 00:02:35,508 I didn't close my eyes. 73 00:02:35,510 --> 00:02:37,176 It was like being back in my village, 74 00:02:37,178 --> 00:02:38,561 watching for the marauders. 75 00:02:38,595 --> 00:02:39,845 I don't know what's more shocking -- 76 00:02:39,847 --> 00:02:41,681 you standing watch, or knowing the word "marauders." 77 00:02:41,683 --> 00:02:43,516 Please tell me I didn't sob all night 78 00:02:43,567 --> 00:02:45,317 just 'cause I lost my baby blanket. 79 00:02:45,352 --> 00:02:47,320 Shh! Don't remind him. He's happy now. 80 00:02:47,354 --> 00:02:49,355 And besides, you didn't even have a blanket. 81 00:02:49,357 --> 00:02:50,990 We were basically destitute. 82 00:02:51,024 --> 00:02:52,324 What, did you get hit by lightning? 83 00:02:52,359 --> 00:02:54,360 Thank God that Joe has a playdate. 84 00:02:54,362 --> 00:02:55,661 Vicky's picking us up. 85 00:02:55,695 --> 00:02:57,663 I'm gonna make him play so hard 86 00:02:57,697 --> 00:02:59,698 that he's gonna pass out tonight. 87 00:02:59,750 --> 00:03:01,367 Well, I've got a playdate with Johnnie Walker, 88 00:03:01,418 --> 00:03:03,285 so one of us is passing out tonight. 89 00:03:04,504 --> 00:03:06,038 Yeah, I know we're out of dog food. 90 00:03:06,089 --> 00:03:07,440 I'll pick some up after golf. 91 00:03:07,474 --> 00:03:09,375 She could lose a couple of pounds, anyways. 92 00:03:09,426 --> 00:03:10,626 Thank God you don't have a daughter. 93 00:03:12,379 --> 00:03:14,630 The minute that kid falls asleep, 94 00:03:14,681 --> 00:03:16,966 that plane goes Amelia Earhart. 95 00:03:18,385 --> 00:03:20,553 Doesn't this seem a little chintzy? 96 00:03:20,555 --> 00:03:21,720 Yeah, can we go now? 97 00:03:21,722 --> 00:03:23,722 No, we haven't said hello to the grooms -- 98 00:03:23,724 --> 00:03:26,392 or the talented people who planned this wedding. 99 00:03:26,443 --> 00:03:28,561 Another great Pepper Saltzman production, guys. 100 00:03:28,611 --> 00:03:32,364 Oh, please. What's tackier than a Friday lunch wedding? 101 00:03:32,399 --> 00:03:35,618 Table five needs more... ketchup. 102 00:03:35,652 --> 00:03:37,236 I have to hide my face with a coat 103 00:03:37,238 --> 00:03:39,071 every time the videographer comes around. 104 00:03:39,122 --> 00:03:40,205 In the old days, 105 00:03:40,240 --> 00:03:41,907 he'd never taken a cheap job like this, 106 00:03:41,909 --> 00:03:44,209 but the gay-wedding business is drying up. 107 00:03:44,244 --> 00:03:47,963 We do the bargain ones as Sherman Saltzman Events, 108 00:03:47,997 --> 00:03:49,581 and I haven't been Sherman 109 00:03:49,632 --> 00:03:52,251 since I got on that bus in Lubbock 35 years ago. 110 00:03:52,302 --> 00:03:54,503 We've only booked two others in months -- 111 00:03:54,554 --> 00:03:55,921 Adam and Michael last weekend 112 00:03:55,972 --> 00:03:58,340 and Felix and Jordan next Monday. 113 00:03:58,391 --> 00:04:00,225 Ugh. Monday. 114 00:04:00,260 --> 00:04:01,844 Oh, away, you vulture. 115 00:04:03,096 --> 00:04:04,346 Cam, do you think it's a little weird -- 116 00:04:04,397 --> 00:04:06,181 That we weren't invited to Adam and Michael's 117 00:04:06,232 --> 00:04:07,933 or Felix and Jordan's? Yes. Totally weird. 118 00:04:07,984 --> 00:04:09,518 Okay, sweetie, here's the kids table. 119 00:04:09,569 --> 00:04:11,937 Where is our table? There are no more tables. 120 00:04:11,988 --> 00:04:13,906 Oh, my God. 121 00:04:13,940 --> 00:04:15,941 That's us. Number 65. 122 00:04:15,943 --> 00:04:17,276 Where are our friends? 123 00:04:17,327 --> 00:04:18,744 Not here. 124 00:04:18,778 --> 00:04:20,612 Are we on some sort of gay blacklist? 125 00:04:22,532 --> 00:04:24,783 I'm not sitting there. You're sitting there. 126 00:04:26,252 --> 00:04:27,202 Hello. 127 00:04:27,253 --> 00:04:28,120 Hey, honey. 128 00:04:28,122 --> 00:04:30,122 Oh, cupcakes, present, dress. 129 00:04:30,173 --> 00:04:31,540 I remember. I'm gonna get on that 130 00:04:31,591 --> 00:04:33,125 just as soon as I'm done with my open house. 131 00:04:33,127 --> 00:04:35,293 I just wanted to clarify, where am I getting the present? 132 00:04:35,295 --> 00:04:36,378 Uh, hang on, Phil. 133 00:04:36,429 --> 00:04:38,263 I'm in the middle of something. 134 00:04:38,265 --> 00:04:40,832 Um, uh, just one second. 135 00:04:40,867 --> 00:04:44,136 I'm -- it's at the Best Buy. Ask for S-Sean -- Stan. 136 00:04:44,469 --> 00:04:45,302 It's under "Dunphy." 137 00:04:45,336 --> 00:04:46,336 Thanks, honey. 138 00:04:46,387 --> 00:04:47,437 I don't know how you do it all. 139 00:04:47,488 --> 00:04:49,122 Love you. 140 00:04:49,157 --> 00:04:50,791 That's a "T"? 141 00:04:50,793 --> 00:04:53,293 They say it takes a village to raise a family 142 00:04:53,327 --> 00:04:54,828 and run a company. 143 00:04:54,830 --> 00:04:56,096 Turns out, it just takes 144 00:04:56,130 --> 00:04:58,398 one little suck-up from marketing named Ben. 145 00:04:58,449 --> 00:05:00,233 Oh, Claire, I don't know if you heard. 146 00:05:00,235 --> 00:05:02,169 They moved the Kramer meeting back to 5:00. 147 00:05:02,220 --> 00:05:03,053 - No. - Yeah. 148 00:05:03,087 --> 00:05:04,171 No, I-I have to make a lasagna 149 00:05:04,205 --> 00:05:05,322 for Luke's team dinner, 150 00:05:05,356 --> 00:05:07,140 - but I can't miss that meeting. - Oh. 151 00:05:07,190 --> 00:05:08,307 You know, I know my way around a kitchen. 152 00:05:08,309 --> 00:05:09,491 My mom's an alcoholic. 153 00:05:09,542 --> 00:05:11,593 So I could easily knock out a lasagna for you. 154 00:05:11,644 --> 00:05:14,012 Ben, you are a lifesaver. 155 00:05:14,014 --> 00:05:16,315 Wow. I promise I will not make a habit of it. 156 00:05:16,349 --> 00:05:18,350 I kind of made a habit of it. 157 00:05:18,798 --> 00:05:19,632 Calm down. 158 00:05:19,634 --> 00:05:21,016 We only cut two classes, 159 00:05:21,051 --> 00:05:24,319 and I'll send an excuse e-mail from your mom's computer. 160 00:05:24,370 --> 00:05:25,821 I can't believe I agreed to ditch with you 161 00:05:25,872 --> 00:05:27,890 just 'cause you gave me half your Brie sandwich. 162 00:05:27,924 --> 00:05:29,575 Although that party-crashing apple slice 163 00:05:29,609 --> 00:05:31,310 turned out to be a welcome plus-one. 164 00:05:31,312 --> 00:05:33,162 So we can make it official now. 165 00:05:33,213 --> 00:05:34,413 I have three gay uncles. 166 00:05:36,232 --> 00:05:37,432 Yeah, I'm -- I'm sorry, Miles. 167 00:05:37,484 --> 00:05:38,817 No, apologize to the guys. 168 00:05:38,852 --> 00:05:40,892 It's just, I'm too tired to play golf. 169 00:05:42,305 --> 00:05:43,856 Damn it! The dog food! 170 00:05:48,628 --> 00:05:50,295 Ah. 171 00:05:50,297 --> 00:05:52,447 Stella, this is your lucky day. 172 00:05:52,482 --> 00:05:54,233 Gloria makes this Colombian dish 173 00:05:54,250 --> 00:05:56,210 I loved when we were first dating. 174 00:05:58,196 --> 00:06:00,298 I lied about a lot of things back then. 175 00:06:04,903 --> 00:06:06,370 What the hell are you doing?! 176 00:06:07,472 --> 00:06:09,724 That takes me three days! 177 00:06:09,758 --> 00:06:11,576 Three days to prepare! 178 00:06:11,610 --> 00:06:13,327 And then you say that you love it, 179 00:06:13,362 --> 00:06:14,879 and you feed it to the dog? 180 00:06:14,913 --> 00:06:17,848 What else have you been lying about, Jay Kennedy Pritchett? 181 00:06:20,335 --> 00:06:22,820 No Daddy kisses till Sunday after she eats this. 182 00:06:23,471 --> 00:06:24,388 Sorry, Vicky. 183 00:06:24,422 --> 00:06:26,557 We have to cancel the playdate. 184 00:06:26,591 --> 00:06:29,610 Joe fell asleep in the car, and I don't want to wake him up. 185 00:06:29,661 --> 00:06:30,995 Okay. 186 00:06:31,046 --> 00:06:32,846 Thank God that Jay was out playing golf. 187 00:06:32,881 --> 00:06:35,115 The last time that I left Joe sleeping in the car... 188 00:06:35,150 --> 00:06:36,316 Honey, where's Joe? 189 00:06:36,318 --> 00:06:37,534 Sleeping in the car. 190 00:06:37,569 --> 00:06:38,702 Are you crazy?! 191 00:06:38,737 --> 00:06:40,304 You don't leave a kid in the car! 192 00:06:40,338 --> 00:06:43,056 Why don't you just put a sign on him saying "free coyote food"?! 193 00:06:43,108 --> 00:06:45,259 I have never seen anyone so mad. 194 00:06:45,293 --> 00:06:47,961 Even the marauders, you could have a conversation with. 195 00:06:48,474 --> 00:06:50,092 "Family emergency. 196 00:06:50,143 --> 00:06:52,728 Blah, blah, blah. Gloria Pritchett." 197 00:06:52,779 --> 00:06:53,612 And send. 198 00:06:53,646 --> 00:06:55,614 I hate that I have to ask this, 199 00:06:55,648 --> 00:06:57,532 but you didn't type "Blah, blah, blah," did you? 200 00:06:57,583 --> 00:06:59,167 You need to chill... 201 00:06:59,202 --> 00:07:00,535 like my girlfriend here. 202 00:07:03,456 --> 00:07:04,873 Nah, I can't enjoy that. 203 00:07:04,875 --> 00:07:06,675 I just keep thinking about that girl's father. 204 00:07:06,709 --> 00:07:08,593 Could you please just get that off my mom's computer? 205 00:07:08,628 --> 00:07:11,046 Okay. That was your reward for ditching, 206 00:07:11,048 --> 00:07:12,514 but if you don't want to... 207 00:07:12,548 --> 00:07:13,932 Uh-oh. 208 00:07:13,966 --> 00:07:14,933 What "uh-oh"? 209 00:07:14,967 --> 00:07:16,852 Uh, it's frozen. 210 00:07:16,886 --> 00:07:17,886 What?! 211 00:07:17,888 --> 00:07:18,887 Oh, my God. 212 00:07:18,889 --> 00:07:19,888 It froze on that? 213 00:07:19,890 --> 00:07:22,391 Hey. "That" has a name. 214 00:07:22,393 --> 00:07:24,726 Here, Stella. Come and get it, girl. 215 00:07:24,777 --> 00:07:26,728 Jay, is that you? 216 00:07:26,779 --> 00:07:28,230 Yep. 217 00:07:28,232 --> 00:07:29,448 Damn it. 218 00:07:29,482 --> 00:07:30,398 Damn it. 219 00:07:30,400 --> 00:07:32,120 Damn it! Damn it! 220 00:07:33,140 --> 00:07:35,174 - I didn't hear you come in. - That's good. 221 00:07:35,251 --> 00:07:38,020 Uh -- Oh, how come you're home so early? 222 00:07:38,054 --> 00:07:39,121 Too tired for golf. 223 00:07:39,172 --> 00:07:39,972 Where's Joe? 224 00:07:40,006 --> 00:07:41,139 - Upstairs. - Ah. 225 00:07:41,190 --> 00:07:43,075 I finally got him to sleep. 226 00:07:44,060 --> 00:07:45,627 She wants to get out. 227 00:07:45,654 --> 00:07:46,988 - I'll take her. - No, no, no. You stay here. 228 00:07:47,022 --> 00:07:48,756 - I'll do it. - No, you can't. 229 00:07:48,791 --> 00:07:51,826 I mean, w-we rarely get times like this anymore. 230 00:07:51,860 --> 00:07:54,996 Joe's sleeping, Manny is at school. 231 00:07:55,031 --> 00:07:56,181 Why don't we go upstairs and -- 232 00:07:56,215 --> 00:07:56,998 Take a nap. 233 00:07:57,049 --> 00:07:58,817 Exactly! 234 00:07:59,115 --> 00:08:00,415 My mom got picked up by a friend. 235 00:08:00,450 --> 00:08:01,817 We can take her car to the computer store 236 00:08:01,851 --> 00:08:03,435 and be back before she gets home. 237 00:08:03,486 --> 00:08:06,788 Wow. She left the windows down and the lights on. 238 00:08:06,790 --> 00:08:09,107 Sometimes, she is so oblivious. 239 00:08:15,552 --> 00:08:18,270 All I had to do was wait for Jay to fall asleep. 240 00:08:18,305 --> 00:08:19,305 Genius. 241 00:08:22,059 --> 00:08:24,927 She'd be snoring in minutes. Piece of cake. 242 00:08:29,522 --> 00:08:31,856 We are so far away from everything. 243 00:08:31,944 --> 00:08:34,212 During the last toast, I saw them clink the glasses 244 00:08:34,214 --> 00:08:35,980 before the sound actually reached us. 245 00:08:36,014 --> 00:08:36,864 Snubbed at this wedding, 246 00:08:36,899 --> 00:08:38,449 not invited to two others -- 247 00:08:38,484 --> 00:08:40,251 What could you have possibly done? 248 00:08:40,302 --> 00:08:42,987 Um... 249 00:08:43,021 --> 00:08:44,872 Sorry. I said I would switch with you at dessert. 250 00:08:44,907 --> 00:08:46,390 Oh, Pepper. Pepper. 251 00:08:46,425 --> 00:08:47,425 - Do you have any idea why -- - Oh, sorry. 252 00:08:47,476 --> 00:08:49,594 I'm in a mad rush to the mashed-potato bar 253 00:08:49,628 --> 00:08:52,630 to restock something called... fixin's. 254 00:08:52,664 --> 00:08:55,132 If you ever felt anything for me, 255 00:08:55,167 --> 00:08:57,118 you'll push me out a window. 256 00:08:57,900 --> 00:09:00,101 You know, Mitchell, m-maybe it's -- 257 00:09:00,152 --> 00:09:01,169 Shh! Shh, shh, shh! 258 00:09:01,203 --> 00:09:02,704 Look. I can't have this fight again. 259 00:09:02,706 --> 00:09:03,571 I saw you ogling him. 260 00:09:03,605 --> 00:09:04,806 Hey, as far as I'm concerned, 261 00:09:04,857 --> 00:09:06,407 we never have to have this fight again. 262 00:09:06,409 --> 00:09:07,409 Mitchell, stop it. 263 00:09:07,459 --> 00:09:08,459 - Hmm? What? Huh? Hmm? - Eavesdropping? 264 00:09:08,768 --> 00:09:09,518 Trolling for business? 265 00:09:09,552 --> 00:09:10,602 You've been doing it 266 00:09:10,637 --> 00:09:11,904 ever since you started handling gay divorce. 267 00:09:11,955 --> 00:09:12,871 It's kind of ghoulish. 268 00:09:12,922 --> 00:09:14,256 - Ghoulish? - Yes. 269 00:09:14,307 --> 00:09:16,108 I'll bet that's why nobody wants us around. 270 00:09:16,142 --> 00:09:19,478 That's it. You're like the Angel of Death of gay marriage. 271 00:09:19,512 --> 00:09:20,746 You're like a cat at an old-folks' home 272 00:09:20,748 --> 00:09:22,598 who curls up next to somebody about to die. 273 00:09:22,649 --> 00:09:24,366 They're judging me? 274 00:09:24,417 --> 00:09:26,051 Felix and Jordan sell fur. 275 00:09:26,086 --> 00:09:28,087 Sorry. We couldn't help overhearing you overhearing us. 276 00:09:28,121 --> 00:09:29,521 Some friends of ours are breaking up, 277 00:09:29,556 --> 00:09:30,656 and they need a good divorce lawyer. 278 00:09:30,707 --> 00:09:31,590 - Do you have a card? - Oh. 279 00:09:31,624 --> 00:09:32,841 We couldn't help overhearing you 280 00:09:32,876 --> 00:09:34,476 talking about you overhearing you overhearing you. 281 00:09:34,527 --> 00:09:37,079 - Are you really doing gay divorces now? - We had no idea. 282 00:09:37,130 --> 00:09:38,730 I was just overhearing you guys overhearing -- 283 00:09:38,798 --> 00:09:41,299 Good Lord, it's like a game of princess telephone. 284 00:09:41,333 --> 00:09:44,135 Here is my card, and just to be clear, 285 00:09:44,169 --> 00:09:46,104 none of you knew I was doing gay divorces? 286 00:09:46,138 --> 00:09:47,855 Oh, interesting. 287 00:09:47,907 --> 00:09:49,457 That's very interesting. Have a good time at the wedding. 288 00:09:49,491 --> 00:09:50,592 - Bye, Jotham. - Thank you so much. 289 00:09:50,900 --> 00:09:52,684 Well, how about this ghoulish profession 290 00:09:52,718 --> 00:09:55,053 that no one seems to have a problem with except for you? 291 00:09:55,104 --> 00:09:57,989 Look, I'm sorry, but you've always been a little cynical, 292 00:09:58,040 --> 00:10:01,092 and I was worried you seeing all these marriages collapse 293 00:10:01,094 --> 00:10:02,627 would push you further in that direction. 294 00:10:02,662 --> 00:10:03,862 No, no, it's the opposite. 295 00:10:03,913 --> 00:10:05,564 Being around all these unhappy couples 296 00:10:05,598 --> 00:10:07,482 makes me even more grateful for what we have. 297 00:10:07,516 --> 00:10:08,817 Aww. That's so sweet. 298 00:10:08,851 --> 00:10:11,236 Are -- are you sure that's not the cash bar talking? 299 00:10:11,948 --> 00:10:13,215 Of course not. 300 00:10:13,249 --> 00:10:15,167 You're the best thing that has ever happened to me. 301 00:10:15,201 --> 00:10:16,601 Aww. 302 00:10:16,603 --> 00:10:17,469 And you're the best thing 303 00:10:17,503 --> 00:10:18,370 that's ever happened to me. 304 00:10:18,372 --> 00:10:19,504 Oh, Cam. 305 00:10:19,555 --> 00:10:21,056 Maybe this is why nobody wants us around 306 00:10:21,090 --> 00:10:23,525 is because we cause an emotional scene everywhere we go. 307 00:10:23,576 --> 00:10:25,210 I'm sorry. 308 00:10:25,244 --> 00:10:27,012 I'll never be the son he wants. 309 00:10:27,046 --> 00:10:29,865 What's to become of us? 310 00:10:32,552 --> 00:10:34,302 Well, now I'm stumped. 311 00:10:34,354 --> 00:10:36,254 Yep. That refrigerates stuff. 312 00:10:36,289 --> 00:10:37,322 All of them do. 313 00:10:37,356 --> 00:10:38,623 But you know the saying -- 314 00:10:38,658 --> 00:10:41,226 All good open houses must come to an end by 2:00 on the dot. 315 00:10:41,421 --> 00:10:43,889 - Oh, but my mom's still on her way. - Ah. 316 00:10:43,940 --> 00:10:45,274 She's giving us our down payment. 317 00:10:45,325 --> 00:10:46,742 You knew the rules when you married a drummer. 318 00:10:49,096 --> 00:10:50,279 Are we keeping you from something? 319 00:10:50,313 --> 00:10:51,897 Not one "beat." 320 00:10:52,398 --> 00:10:53,648 I have an idea. 321 00:10:53,683 --> 00:10:55,284 Why don't we greet your mom 322 00:10:55,334 --> 00:10:57,219 with the smell of fresh-baked cupcakes? 323 00:10:57,253 --> 00:10:58,687 The ingredients are in here. 324 00:10:58,721 --> 00:10:59,688 Will, grab a whisk. 325 00:10:59,722 --> 00:11:02,122 I'll be back before you two are frosting. 326 00:11:03,092 --> 00:11:04,893 I'm on my way to pick it up, Stan. 327 00:11:04,944 --> 00:11:06,628 I'll be there in like 5... 328 00:11:06,662 --> 00:11:09,464 ...to 45 minutes. 329 00:11:09,515 --> 00:11:11,600 Okay. Cupcakes. 330 00:11:11,634 --> 00:11:13,919 Pres-- Oh, no. No. 331 00:11:13,953 --> 00:11:15,504 Damn it. 332 00:11:15,555 --> 00:11:18,006 The cupcakes burned. 333 00:11:18,255 --> 00:11:20,306 Oh. Well, it still smells homey. 334 00:11:20,358 --> 00:11:22,359 And it gives Mom a chance 335 00:11:22,410 --> 00:11:25,879 to see how well this state-of-the-art smoke alarm works! 336 00:11:25,880 --> 00:11:27,213 Come with me, Mom! 337 00:11:27,247 --> 00:11:29,498 Let me show you around the rest of this dream house! 338 00:11:29,533 --> 00:11:31,651 You see, even ironing is a delight here, 339 00:11:31,685 --> 00:11:33,386 where you can feel a cool breeze 340 00:11:33,437 --> 00:11:35,855 wafting in from the open sliders. 341 00:11:36,421 --> 00:11:37,687 Mother nature! 342 00:11:37,721 --> 00:11:39,822 Huzzah! Your own gift-wrapping room, 343 00:11:39,856 --> 00:11:41,207 just like the rich and famous. 344 00:11:41,241 --> 00:11:42,241 Sheila, finger. 345 00:11:43,644 --> 00:11:45,027 Go right ahead. There we go. 346 00:11:45,062 --> 00:11:48,531 Sorry I'm late, guys, but fear not. 347 00:11:48,565 --> 00:11:50,800 One birthday present. 348 00:11:50,834 --> 00:11:52,018 Wrapped in baby-shower paper. 349 00:11:52,052 --> 00:11:54,370 One crisply pressed dress. 350 00:11:54,404 --> 00:11:55,921 With one big pleat it didn't used to have. 351 00:11:55,956 --> 00:11:56,922 Oh. 352 00:11:56,957 --> 00:11:58,057 At least we know why you were late. 353 00:11:58,091 --> 00:11:59,525 Looks like you rescued those cupcakes 354 00:11:59,576 --> 00:12:00,826 from a burning bakery. 355 00:12:00,861 --> 00:12:02,795 Don't worry. Mom made those on the off chance 356 00:12:02,829 --> 00:12:04,680 what everyone knew was gonna happen happened. 357 00:12:04,715 --> 00:12:06,675 She also bought me that new dress. 358 00:12:07,025 --> 00:12:08,525 Oh, and I hope you kept the receipt, 359 00:12:08,560 --> 00:12:09,827 because Mom bought a backup. 360 00:12:09,878 --> 00:12:12,813 Well, don't be mad at your mom for underestimating me. 361 00:12:12,847 --> 00:12:13,847 Oh, how could we, when she made us 362 00:12:13,898 --> 00:12:14,948 this fresh hand-churned ice cream? 363 00:12:14,983 --> 00:12:16,199 - Yeah. - What? 364 00:12:16,247 --> 00:12:17,381 Oh, you know what we should do? 365 00:12:17,415 --> 00:12:18,682 We should send her a picture of us eating it. 366 00:12:18,733 --> 00:12:20,551 I guess it's a good thing I came home when I did. 367 00:12:20,585 --> 00:12:21,335 It'd be better if I did it. 368 00:12:21,369 --> 00:12:22,119 - Yeah. - Come on. 369 00:12:24,595 --> 00:12:25,712 You churned ice cream? 370 00:12:25,747 --> 00:12:27,197 Yeah. Did the kids like it? 371 00:12:27,248 --> 00:12:28,498 - They loved it. - Great. 372 00:12:28,549 --> 00:12:30,434 But they know I can't make ice cream. 373 00:12:30,468 --> 00:12:32,652 I bought that churn out of a SkyMall catalog 374 00:12:32,703 --> 00:12:34,204 after three Bloody Marys. 375 00:12:34,255 --> 00:12:37,257 It's been sitting under a tarp in my garage for six years. 376 00:12:37,259 --> 00:12:39,075 You've got to dial it way back. 377 00:12:39,110 --> 00:12:40,660 Where is this fear and anger coming from? 378 00:12:40,711 --> 00:12:42,992 You're gonna get us caught! 379 00:12:43,974 --> 00:12:46,325 You knew the risks when we started this. 380 00:12:46,359 --> 00:12:48,794 - I'm just saying we're getting a little bit sloppy. - Mm-hmm. 381 00:12:48,845 --> 00:12:51,564 - All the impossible errands, the fancy sandwiches. - Mm-hmm. 382 00:12:51,598 --> 00:12:53,983 Just slap a little tuna on whole wheat 383 00:12:54,034 --> 00:12:55,150 - for the next couple of days. - What? N-- 384 00:12:55,201 --> 00:12:57,536 Just until things cool off. 385 00:12:57,587 --> 00:12:59,307 All right? 386 00:13:01,174 --> 00:13:02,694 I was just trying to make you happy. 387 00:13:05,446 --> 00:13:07,231 You're not gonna stop me, are you? 388 00:13:07,284 --> 00:13:10,386 Coffee cart's only in the lobby until 4:00. 389 00:13:10,420 --> 00:13:12,555 Thank you, Claire. 390 00:13:12,589 --> 00:13:13,756 Thank you. 391 00:13:13,807 --> 00:13:15,174 This is mortifying. 392 00:13:15,176 --> 00:13:16,509 Whoever we ask to fix this 393 00:13:16,511 --> 00:13:18,844 is gonna see what we're watching and think we're pervs. 394 00:13:18,895 --> 00:13:20,262 Not that guy. 395 00:13:20,313 --> 00:13:21,931 Luke?! 396 00:13:23,266 --> 00:13:25,851 Oh! Hi, Marianne. 397 00:13:25,853 --> 00:13:28,938 Oh, wow! You're so grown-up now. 398 00:13:28,989 --> 00:13:30,773 - Yeah. Uh, this is Manny. - Hi. 399 00:13:30,824 --> 00:13:32,691 Marianne used to be our babysitter. 400 00:13:32,742 --> 00:13:34,462 Remember when you asked me to marry you? 401 00:13:34,494 --> 00:13:36,245 "I wuv you, Marianne." 402 00:13:36,279 --> 00:13:38,414 Well, nice to meet you. We should get going. 403 00:13:38,498 --> 00:13:39,950 Okay. Bye, guys. Best to your family, okay? 404 00:13:40,576 --> 00:13:41,659 Phew. 405 00:13:41,693 --> 00:13:43,494 I'd like to see the look on Mawianne's face 406 00:13:43,529 --> 00:13:45,446 if she knew what a degenerate you turned into. 407 00:13:45,497 --> 00:13:46,414 Next. 408 00:13:46,448 --> 00:13:47,899 I'm here, Kyle. 409 00:13:48,534 --> 00:13:50,117 Oh! Hello again. 410 00:13:50,168 --> 00:13:51,368 How can I help? 411 00:13:54,191 --> 00:13:56,591 What are we gonna do? Mom's gonna be home any minute. 412 00:13:56,645 --> 00:13:58,745 "Hola, papi. Have you seen my computer?" 413 00:13:58,788 --> 00:13:59,921 "Oh, sure, Mom. It's over there, 414 00:13:59,955 --> 00:14:01,155 where that naked girl's entertaining 415 00:14:01,190 --> 00:14:02,223 her school's basketball team." 416 00:14:02,389 --> 00:14:04,456 I'm face-timing Alex. She'll know what to do. 417 00:14:04,491 --> 00:14:05,424 What's up, Luke? 418 00:14:05,458 --> 00:14:07,092 Computer glitch. The screen's frozen. 419 00:14:07,143 --> 00:14:08,744 - Let me see. - I'd rather not. 420 00:14:08,778 --> 00:14:09,962 So porn. 421 00:14:09,996 --> 00:14:11,163 Well, I just have to finish this paper. 422 00:14:11,197 --> 00:14:12,047 I'll call you in an hour. 423 00:14:12,098 --> 00:14:13,932 Oh, hey there, cutie pie. 424 00:14:13,934 --> 00:14:15,367 Thank you, Alex, but could you please hurry 425 00:14:15,418 --> 00:14:16,501 - and call us back? - I was talk-- 426 00:14:17,671 --> 00:14:19,154 She knows I'm forbidden fruit. 427 00:14:19,189 --> 00:14:21,509 I'm sure that's half the appeal. 428 00:14:36,517 --> 00:14:37,868 Jay! 429 00:14:37,902 --> 00:14:39,036 Jay? 430 00:14:41,990 --> 00:14:43,874 How long since you have been up? 431 00:14:43,908 --> 00:14:45,659 Oh, about a minute before you. 432 00:14:45,861 --> 00:14:47,844 Oh, can you do me a favor? 433 00:14:47,879 --> 00:14:49,529 Can you go and look at the laundry? 434 00:14:49,563 --> 00:14:50,547 I think it's done. 435 00:14:50,633 --> 00:14:52,267 Sure, but, honey, I think I slept kind of weird. 436 00:14:52,318 --> 00:14:54,419 Could you run back upstairs and get me my heating pad? 437 00:14:56,306 --> 00:14:57,773 Why is Stella going crazy there? 438 00:14:57,824 --> 00:14:59,658 Stella, get out of here! 439 00:14:59,692 --> 00:15:03,462 Oh. Hi, there. How's everybody doing? 440 00:15:03,496 --> 00:15:04,529 What's up with Stella? 441 00:15:04,564 --> 00:15:05,647 Where have you two been? 442 00:15:05,803 --> 00:15:07,521 Is that my computer?! 443 00:15:07,572 --> 00:15:08,822 - Don't open that! - Don't open that! 444 00:15:09,807 --> 00:15:11,608 - Is that Joe's plane? - Don't open that! 445 00:15:12,542 --> 00:15:16,245 A lot of unanswered questions here, it seems like. 446 00:15:16,991 --> 00:15:20,545 Why don't we all just... take a step back? 447 00:15:20,872 --> 00:15:23,609 Nice and easy. 448 00:15:24,843 --> 00:15:26,245 Okay, so... 449 00:15:27,948 --> 00:15:30,549 now I am going to go and take a little walk. 450 00:15:32,386 --> 00:15:35,121 Luke and I have some homework to do upstairs. 451 00:15:35,155 --> 00:15:38,891 And I'm going... to the little boy's room. 452 00:15:44,343 --> 00:15:47,028 They have taken pictures at every table but ours. 453 00:15:47,079 --> 00:15:49,114 Because their photographer isn't Diane Arbus. 454 00:15:49,148 --> 00:15:51,299 Who else would want a record of this fever dream? 455 00:15:51,350 --> 00:15:53,451 Oh! Are you gonna finish this? 456 00:15:53,486 --> 00:15:55,236 They didn't budget a staff meal. 457 00:15:55,287 --> 00:15:57,055 It's our own fault we're poor. 458 00:15:57,089 --> 00:15:59,557 When we had money, we spent it all on drunken sailors. 459 00:15:59,608 --> 00:16:01,026 You mean "like drunken sailors"? 460 00:16:01,077 --> 00:16:02,293 Sure. 461 00:16:02,565 --> 00:16:04,165 Pepper, before you run off again, 462 00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:06,560 why is almost everyone here treating us like pariahs? 463 00:16:06,602 --> 00:16:08,937 Well, you didn't help yourselves by the cold way 464 00:16:08,988 --> 00:16:10,872 you declined those last two wedding invitations. 465 00:16:10,923 --> 00:16:12,507 We didn't get those invitations. 466 00:16:12,558 --> 00:16:15,743 I got the RSVPs myself to Adam and Michael and Felix and Jordan. 467 00:16:15,978 --> 00:16:19,064 Just a big "X" in the "will not attend" box. 468 00:16:19,066 --> 00:16:20,465 No excuse, no gift. 469 00:16:20,499 --> 00:16:24,035 Of course you put people off. It's just not classy. 470 00:16:26,706 --> 00:16:29,026 How old are these pudding cups?! 471 00:16:29,058 --> 00:16:30,008 Come, cariño. 472 00:16:30,059 --> 00:16:31,343 There's a vending machine in the lobby. 473 00:16:31,394 --> 00:16:34,996 If I lie down next to it, will you push it over on me? 474 00:16:35,031 --> 00:16:38,049 How could we RSVP to wedding invitations that we never got? 475 00:16:38,100 --> 00:16:40,819 Okay, party people, on your feet. 476 00:16:40,870 --> 00:16:42,387 You guys cool if I take off? 477 00:16:42,421 --> 00:16:44,088 No. Sweetie, what's been going on with you? 478 00:16:44,143 --> 00:16:45,610 You've wanted to leave since we got here. 479 00:16:45,645 --> 00:16:47,562 Hey, y'all coming? 480 00:16:47,613 --> 00:16:48,530 Might as well. 481 00:16:48,581 --> 00:16:49,831 Come on, Lily. Let's go dance. 482 00:16:49,866 --> 00:16:52,017 No! No dancing. It's too embarrassing. 483 00:16:52,051 --> 00:16:54,436 No. You're a good dancer, sweetie. 484 00:16:54,503 --> 00:16:56,538 - Not me. You two. - What? 485 00:16:56,589 --> 00:16:59,174 You don't like our dancing? Why? 486 00:16:59,225 --> 00:17:00,308 Why? 487 00:17:08,807 --> 00:17:11,358 You're not good. That's why I hate weddings. 488 00:17:11,393 --> 00:17:14,211 Wait, Lily, did you RSVP to some weddings and not tell us? 489 00:17:14,245 --> 00:17:17,514 Yes. Punish me, ground me. I just can't watch it again. 490 00:17:17,516 --> 00:17:18,565 Oh, you're gonna be punished. 491 00:17:18,616 --> 00:17:20,200 Mitchell, wait. I know how she feels. 492 00:17:20,235 --> 00:17:21,835 Did we really embarrass you that bad? 493 00:17:21,886 --> 00:17:25,489 Well, yeah. I mean, I still love you, but... 494 00:17:25,523 --> 00:17:27,207 Why are your shoulders moving? 495 00:17:27,242 --> 00:17:29,560 Well, we always knew there would be something you didn't like about us. 496 00:17:29,594 --> 00:17:31,929 We're just glad that it's something we're so good at. 497 00:17:39,743 --> 00:17:42,428 If anybody asks, I'm with you. 498 00:17:44,748 --> 00:17:46,915 Yes, Gavin, I got everything you asked for, 499 00:17:46,967 --> 00:17:48,100 and I'm on my way. 500 00:17:48,151 --> 00:17:49,685 All these errands I have to do for my boss. 501 00:17:49,687 --> 00:17:52,004 I swear, if it wasn't for me, he'd never get anything. 502 00:17:52,038 --> 00:17:53,555 Haley, please. I'm trying to figure out 503 00:17:53,590 --> 00:17:56,325 how your mom's getting all these things done by herself. 504 00:17:56,359 --> 00:17:58,994 When Haley finally gave me a chance to hear myself think, 505 00:17:59,029 --> 00:17:59,995 it hit me. 506 00:18:00,029 --> 00:18:01,864 Could Claire be using an assistant? 507 00:18:01,898 --> 00:18:05,134 I decided to retrace every errand she allegedly ran today 508 00:18:05,168 --> 00:18:06,301 and time it out. 509 00:18:07,022 --> 00:18:10,458 She was in meetings from 9:00 A.M. to 1:30, 510 00:18:10,513 --> 00:18:13,448 leaving her a 90-minute window to buy Haley's dress, 511 00:18:13,483 --> 00:18:16,552 see Stan at Best Buy for Alex's present, 512 00:18:16,586 --> 00:18:21,039 then speed home, where she could start baking the cupcakes, 513 00:18:21,074 --> 00:18:23,425 drag the churn in from the garage, 514 00:18:23,459 --> 00:18:27,663 churn, wrap, and frost, 515 00:18:27,697 --> 00:18:29,998 leaving her a scant eight minutes at school pick-up time 516 00:18:30,033 --> 00:18:32,401 to race back for her 3:00 staff meeting. 517 00:18:32,435 --> 00:18:35,771 Even if all 14 traffic lights on her route were green, 518 00:18:35,872 --> 00:18:37,489 this task would be... 519 00:18:37,540 --> 00:18:39,224 Impossible. 520 00:18:39,765 --> 00:18:41,950 I don't know who made that ice cream, 521 00:18:41,984 --> 00:18:44,152 but Daddy was about to churn up a frosty bowl 522 00:18:44,187 --> 00:18:45,804 of "Mom's a big fake." 523 00:18:47,448 --> 00:18:49,633 Ben, what are you still doing here? 524 00:18:49,673 --> 00:18:51,074 I'm just making sandwiches for the kids. 525 00:18:51,125 --> 00:18:52,375 Don't worry. They'll never know. 526 00:18:52,409 --> 00:18:54,978 I'm using store-brand Gouda and this domestic mustard. 527 00:18:55,012 --> 00:18:56,279 No, you don't understand. 528 00:18:56,313 --> 00:18:58,248 My husband could be home any minute. 529 00:18:58,282 --> 00:18:59,499 You've got to leave. 530 00:19:00,751 --> 00:19:01,851 What is this? 531 00:19:01,886 --> 00:19:04,053 "Thanks for the advice, Mom. It worked great." 532 00:19:04,055 --> 00:19:05,154 - Nice. - What advice? 533 00:19:05,496 --> 00:19:07,297 Oh, well, you left your phone on your desk, 534 00:19:07,331 --> 00:19:09,315 and Alex texted when you were in that staff meeting. 535 00:19:09,350 --> 00:19:11,150 She seemed really upset, so I took care of it. 536 00:19:11,185 --> 00:19:12,452 It was, like, boy stuff, whatever. 537 00:19:12,486 --> 00:19:14,504 Ben, we got to stop doing this. 538 00:19:14,538 --> 00:19:16,172 No, it's fine. I just said what you would have said. 539 00:19:16,223 --> 00:19:18,641 But I didn't say anything. 540 00:19:18,692 --> 00:19:21,778 I-I wasn't there for my daughter at all. 541 00:19:21,780 --> 00:19:25,381 I-I'm so damn busy trying to be the perfect mom 542 00:19:25,432 --> 00:19:27,350 and -- and the perfect boss, 543 00:19:27,384 --> 00:19:29,886 but I'm outsourcing the one job that means the most to me, 544 00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:30,820 and I really miss it. 545 00:19:30,822 --> 00:19:31,954 I miss being a mom. 546 00:19:31,989 --> 00:19:33,373 Even if I'm a so-so mom 547 00:19:33,407 --> 00:19:36,876 that barely has time to make a soggy tuna-fish sandwich, I... 548 00:19:36,927 --> 00:19:38,461 Okay. 549 00:19:38,512 --> 00:19:40,129 - Then you should get back to that. - Yeah. 550 00:19:40,509 --> 00:19:41,793 And I should get back to the office. 551 00:19:41,844 --> 00:19:43,545 Oh, no. Ben, you don't have to do that. 552 00:19:43,596 --> 00:19:44,546 It's so late. 553 00:19:44,597 --> 00:19:45,797 No, I do. 554 00:19:45,799 --> 00:19:47,465 My mom's got a "date" with her new boyfriend, 555 00:19:47,516 --> 00:19:49,956 so I'm gonna crash in the showroom. 556 00:20:15,494 --> 00:20:17,328 Thank you. 557 00:20:20,488 --> 00:20:22,638 So, before you open this, I just want to say 558 00:20:22,714 --> 00:20:24,814 this is not the kind of thing I'm usually in to. 559 00:20:24,837 --> 00:20:25,954 Let's not. 560 00:20:26,005 --> 00:20:27,125 It's all him, by the way. 561 00:20:27,131 --> 00:20:28,131 No kidding. 562 00:20:28,646 --> 00:20:30,179 Oh, don't show it to me! 563 00:20:30,264 --> 00:20:31,264 Oh! 564 00:20:32,709 --> 00:20:35,542 Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew. 565 00:20:35,725 --> 00:20:36,725 CTRL-Alt-Ew. 566 00:20:36,749 --> 00:20:38,749 Oh, God. Please, tell me it worked. 567 00:20:39,243 --> 00:20:40,576 It worked. 568 00:20:42,229 --> 00:20:44,996 Just so you know, women are not all vacuous nymphomaniacs 569 00:20:45,042 --> 00:20:47,342 looking to seduce every man that crosses their path. 570 00:20:48,894 --> 00:20:50,627 Bye, you dirty little boy! 571 00:20:52,247 --> 00:20:53,980 Kind of a mixed message, right? 572 00:20:54,050 --> 00:20:55,183 I'll talk to her. 573 00:20:55,207 --> 00:20:57,207 Synced and corrected by gloriabg www.addic7ed.com