1 00:00:02,743 --> 00:00:04,844 Come on. Why aren't they transferring to me? 2 00:00:04,878 --> 00:00:06,479 I look just like you. 3 00:00:06,513 --> 00:00:07,873 Maybe I don't have the scent right. 4 00:00:11,402 --> 00:00:14,137 A few weeks ago, I found a nest of duck eggs. 5 00:00:14,171 --> 00:00:16,706 I, uh... I lovingly nursed them, 6 00:00:16,740 --> 00:00:20,593 and then, uh, by some... sick fluke, 7 00:00:20,627 --> 00:00:22,395 Claire was the only one there when the ducks were born, 8 00:00:22,429 --> 00:00:25,798 so they imprinted on her. 9 00:00:25,833 --> 00:00:27,266 Oh, I didn't do it on purpose. 10 00:00:27,301 --> 00:00:29,202 - Then make them come back to me. - Mm. 11 00:00:30,955 --> 00:00:32,922 Who's calling at this hour? 12 00:00:32,956 --> 00:00:34,724 Hello? 13 00:00:34,726 --> 00:00:35,808 Yes? 14 00:00:35,859 --> 00:00:37,693 Luke's been arrested! 15 00:00:46,353 --> 00:00:49,853 Sync & corrections by gloriabg www.addic7ed.com 16 00:00:53,018 --> 00:00:54,570 Well, good morning, Leonard. 17 00:00:54,813 --> 00:00:55,879 Leonar-- 18 00:00:55,881 --> 00:00:57,714 I know it's not my well-behaved son, Luke, 19 00:00:57,716 --> 00:00:59,550 who'd never take our car out without a license 20 00:00:59,552 --> 00:01:00,767 and get arrested. 21 00:01:00,802 --> 00:01:02,619 I took the car for a good reason. 22 00:01:02,654 --> 00:01:05,105 Sarah Fisher's cat died, and she was devastated, 23 00:01:05,139 --> 00:01:07,774 so I thought she might make out with me. 24 00:01:07,809 --> 00:01:10,777 I got caught two blocks away from her house. 25 00:01:10,812 --> 00:01:13,897 Everyone is having great luck with girls except for me. 26 00:01:13,948 --> 00:01:16,066 And I mean everyone. 27 00:01:16,117 --> 00:01:18,869 When is a tuba-strap rash not a tuba-strap rash? 28 00:01:18,903 --> 00:01:22,239 When it's hickeys. 29 00:01:22,290 --> 00:01:23,573 You know, we're gonna have to ground you, 30 00:01:23,624 --> 00:01:24,658 and I was thinking that -- 31 00:01:24,709 --> 00:01:26,326 Oh, we're doing way more than that. 32 00:01:26,377 --> 00:01:28,412 Landon has a $300 fine to work off. 33 00:01:28,463 --> 00:01:30,747 We could fight that -- Say the cop was racist. 34 00:01:30,798 --> 00:01:33,083 Even if we lose, it'll start a conversation. 35 00:01:33,085 --> 00:01:36,420 You made a mistake, you pay the consequences, Levon. 36 00:01:36,422 --> 00:01:37,587 Your first job is cleaning out 37 00:01:37,589 --> 00:01:39,556 the awesome village I built for my ducks. 38 00:01:39,590 --> 00:01:40,724 Aren't they mom's ducks? 39 00:01:40,758 --> 00:01:43,476 Do you really want to test me right now?! 40 00:01:43,511 --> 00:01:45,312 Well, you, sir, take your time deciding. 41 00:01:45,346 --> 00:01:46,946 We'll be here just as sure as a coonhound 42 00:01:46,951 --> 00:01:49,252 takes a summer nap in the shade of a chifferobe. 43 00:01:49,323 --> 00:01:51,238 OK, now you're just randomly throwing words 44 00:01:51,263 --> 00:01:52,936 together from "To Kill a Mockingbird." 45 00:01:52,938 --> 00:01:55,606 It was a boon year for tomatoes on the farm, 46 00:01:55,608 --> 00:01:58,275 or what we're calling... 47 00:01:58,326 --> 00:01:59,777 Tomatogeddon. 48 00:01:59,779 --> 00:02:02,446 So they made an extra-large batch of Tucker's famous, 49 00:02:02,448 --> 00:02:04,114 and we're selling it at the Farmers' Market. 50 00:02:04,116 --> 00:02:05,616 Now, when you say "famous" -- 51 00:02:05,618 --> 00:02:07,618 It's known Missouri-wide. 52 00:02:07,620 --> 00:02:10,671 A death-row inmate requested it for his last meal. 53 00:02:10,705 --> 00:02:12,025 Well, at least I'm trying to sell. 54 00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:13,507 What is going on? 55 00:02:13,541 --> 00:02:14,842 After buying whatever they're selling, 56 00:02:14,876 --> 00:02:18,011 I'm guessing people are plum out of spending money. 57 00:02:18,046 --> 00:02:20,180 Wait. No. 58 00:02:20,215 --> 00:02:22,299 It's Andrew and Simon. 59 00:02:22,301 --> 00:02:24,301 Thank you. Oh. 60 00:02:24,303 --> 00:02:26,136 - Hello. - Oh, hello! 61 00:02:26,138 --> 00:02:28,972 Here to try our hand-caught artisanal trout jerky? 62 00:02:28,974 --> 00:02:30,641 - No. - It's selling like hotcakes. 63 00:02:30,643 --> 00:02:31,643 Actually, better. 64 00:02:31,644 --> 00:02:33,477 See the vegan hotcakes stand? 65 00:02:33,479 --> 00:02:35,479 Next to the bespoke honey stall. 66 00:02:35,481 --> 00:02:37,648 We should be careful. This market might be a trick 67 00:02:37,650 --> 00:02:39,983 to get a whole bunch of white people together in one spot. 68 00:02:39,985 --> 00:02:41,652 I'm actually glad you're here. 69 00:02:41,654 --> 00:02:44,154 We're looking for a new senior associate, 70 00:02:44,156 --> 00:02:45,656 and I was gonna call you. 71 00:02:45,658 --> 00:02:47,991 Call me what? A has-been? 72 00:02:47,993 --> 00:02:49,493 "Mitch ado about nothing"? 73 00:02:49,495 --> 00:02:51,128 Why am I doing your work for you? 74 00:02:51,162 --> 00:02:53,797 Look, on a social level, I find you hopeless, 75 00:02:53,831 --> 00:02:56,299 but I always thought you were a good lawyer -- 76 00:02:56,334 --> 00:02:58,168 Maybe a great one at the right firm. 77 00:02:58,170 --> 00:03:00,670 Honey, did you bring the other cash box? 78 00:03:00,672 --> 00:03:01,922 This one's filled up. 79 00:03:03,007 --> 00:03:04,141 Think about it. 80 00:03:06,276 --> 00:03:07,978 Come on, Joe! 81 00:03:08,012 --> 00:03:09,980 I don't want to learn! 82 00:03:10,014 --> 00:03:11,648 But you have to learn! 83 00:03:11,682 --> 00:03:13,316 And it's so easy. 84 00:03:13,351 --> 00:03:16,820 Look, first, you make the little man, 85 00:03:16,854 --> 00:03:20,407 then you tie the rope around its throat -- 86 00:03:20,441 --> 00:03:21,225 No! 87 00:03:21,276 --> 00:03:23,193 Joe, don't worry about tying your shoes. 88 00:03:23,244 --> 00:03:24,577 That's for big boys. 89 00:03:24,612 --> 00:03:26,162 Don't tell him he can't. 90 00:03:26,197 --> 00:03:28,999 He can't, but he'll be fine -- Kid has thick, beautiful hair. 91 00:03:29,033 --> 00:03:31,167 - Can I get back to work now? - You're working? 92 00:03:31,202 --> 00:03:32,335 But it's not between 10:00 and 2:00, 93 00:03:32,370 --> 00:03:33,370 Monday through Thursday. 94 00:03:33,421 --> 00:03:34,537 Well, I wasn't gonna tell you guys, 95 00:03:34,588 --> 00:03:35,705 'cause I knew you'd make a big fuss, 96 00:03:35,756 --> 00:03:38,208 but the Chamber of Commerce is giving me 97 00:03:38,259 --> 00:03:39,759 the Titans of Industry award. 98 00:03:39,794 --> 00:03:41,594 They asked me to make a video for the ceremony 99 00:03:41,629 --> 00:03:43,930 about what drives me. 100 00:03:43,964 --> 00:03:45,382 After 30 years 101 00:03:45,384 --> 00:03:48,218 and over a hundred thousand hanger rods installed, 102 00:03:48,220 --> 00:03:50,887 some people would kick back and relax. 103 00:03:50,889 --> 00:03:52,388 Not me. I'm Jay Pritchett. 104 00:03:53,758 --> 00:03:55,058 Pritchett's closets. 105 00:03:55,060 --> 00:03:57,227 Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down! 106 00:03:57,229 --> 00:03:59,896 How many closets do you need? 107 00:03:59,898 --> 00:04:02,949 Yeah. I can handle that. 108 00:04:02,983 --> 00:04:05,785 - It's great. - I'm starting over. 109 00:04:05,819 --> 00:04:07,403 - Why? - You guys were bored, 110 00:04:07,405 --> 00:04:09,906 and the video obviously doesn't capture my essence. 111 00:04:09,908 --> 00:04:12,909 You think that fellow Titan Ed Fisk, the Lion of Linoleum, 112 00:04:12,911 --> 00:04:14,077 would make that mistake? 113 00:04:14,079 --> 00:04:15,411 How big is this event? 114 00:04:15,413 --> 00:04:17,297 Is there going to be a red carpet? 115 00:04:17,331 --> 00:04:20,133 No, but Red Murtaugh, of Red's Carpets, will be there. 116 00:04:20,167 --> 00:04:22,802 I'm walking with giants, Gloria, 117 00:04:22,836 --> 00:04:25,221 and that's a good way to get stepped on. 118 00:04:26,924 --> 00:04:28,324 Oh, there are two over there. 119 00:04:28,375 --> 00:04:31,127 Oh, good. For a second, I didn't think we were gonna find... 120 00:04:31,178 --> 00:04:33,896 Hey, isn't that Beth and Andy? 121 00:04:33,947 --> 00:04:36,866 Um, actually, uh, those two are better. 122 00:04:36,868 --> 00:04:38,468 But all those people would be between us. 123 00:04:38,469 --> 00:04:40,386 Yeah, but, you know, we spent all day together. 124 00:04:40,437 --> 00:04:42,105 - I just -- - Hey. Hey, you two. 125 00:04:42,156 --> 00:04:44,374 Hey, Andy. Very cool you're not fat anymore. 126 00:04:44,425 --> 00:04:46,342 Hi! Nice to see you guys! 127 00:04:46,344 --> 00:04:47,643 We really should go find seats before the m-- 128 00:04:47,678 --> 00:04:50,146 Sit down, please. 129 00:04:52,799 --> 00:04:54,400 Ever since Andy got engaged, 130 00:04:54,434 --> 00:04:56,385 things between us have been weird. 131 00:04:56,420 --> 00:04:57,503 Like "a woman with olive skin 132 00:04:57,538 --> 00:04:58,971 trying to pull off red hair" weird. 133 00:04:59,006 --> 00:05:00,439 I just wanted to watch the movie 134 00:05:00,474 --> 00:05:02,692 and get out of there before it got awkward. 135 00:05:02,694 --> 00:05:04,293 I still think about you. 136 00:05:04,328 --> 00:05:06,762 Me too. But I'm with someone else now. 137 00:05:06,764 --> 00:05:08,064 I made a commitment. 138 00:05:08,066 --> 00:05:09,532 But do you really love her? 139 00:05:09,534 --> 00:05:11,334 Zombie! 140 00:05:11,336 --> 00:05:12,802 Got it! 141 00:05:12,804 --> 00:05:15,604 Anyway, we really should have told each other how we felt. 142 00:05:17,791 --> 00:05:20,209 Nothing? Really? 143 00:05:20,260 --> 00:05:22,478 I could not get out of there fast enough. 144 00:05:22,529 --> 00:05:23,813 What's the rush? Sometimes they put 145 00:05:23,815 --> 00:05:25,481 a funny skit thing after all the names. 146 00:05:25,483 --> 00:05:27,583 Hey. Guys, wait up. 147 00:05:27,634 --> 00:05:29,552 You want to go grab a burger and a beer next door? 148 00:05:29,554 --> 00:05:31,187 - Well, I -- - I definitely do. 149 00:05:31,221 --> 00:05:33,355 That movie brought up so much for me. 150 00:05:33,390 --> 00:05:35,157 Plus, I got to take my pill with food. 151 00:05:35,159 --> 00:05:37,126 - Yeah, I'm not so sure -- - You're coming. 152 00:05:37,128 --> 00:05:38,794 - Oh. - Maybe if you're there, 153 00:05:38,796 --> 00:05:41,130 he won't try and do his adorable British character 154 00:05:41,132 --> 00:05:43,799 for the hostess. 155 00:05:43,801 --> 00:05:45,634 Will you put this in my veggie burger 156 00:05:45,636 --> 00:05:48,137 and not tell me where it is? 157 00:05:49,533 --> 00:05:52,834 Hey, Lloyd, it's your dad, A.K.A. your worst nightmare. 158 00:05:52,847 --> 00:05:54,397 Just reminding you the duck village 159 00:05:54,432 --> 00:05:56,199 needs to be clean enough to eat off of. 160 00:05:56,233 --> 00:05:57,967 You hear me? You better not have. 161 00:05:58,002 --> 00:05:59,269 You're not allowed to use your phone. 162 00:05:59,303 --> 00:06:01,871 Yep, I'm everywhere. 163 00:06:01,922 --> 00:06:04,307 You think maybe you're being a bit hard on Luke? 164 00:06:04,341 --> 00:06:05,425 We're his parents, Claire. 165 00:06:05,476 --> 00:06:06,910 It's our job to keep him off the stripper pole. 166 00:06:06,944 --> 00:06:09,679 I actually like that he's being a little bit rebellious. 167 00:06:09,713 --> 00:06:12,115 Sometimes, between the magic and the trampolining, 168 00:06:12,149 --> 00:06:16,119 I think he's getting a little... You know. 169 00:06:16,153 --> 00:06:17,420 What are you trying to say, Claire? 170 00:06:17,454 --> 00:06:19,689 A little... me? 171 00:06:19,723 --> 00:06:20,957 There it was again, 172 00:06:20,991 --> 00:06:23,526 the insinuation that I'm not dangerous enough for her. 173 00:06:23,561 --> 00:06:27,096 Apparently, she's forgotten I've been to jail. 174 00:06:27,131 --> 00:06:29,999 I once led 20 violent inmates in a therapeutic tumbling class. 175 00:06:30,034 --> 00:06:31,901 It was a huge success. 176 00:06:31,952 --> 00:06:34,037 Could I have made the participation trophies 177 00:06:34,071 --> 00:06:35,605 a little less stabby? 178 00:06:35,656 --> 00:06:36,773 Sure. 179 00:06:36,807 --> 00:06:39,776 But overall, a huge success. 180 00:06:39,810 --> 00:06:42,378 When you say you're happy about Luke being a rebel, 181 00:06:42,413 --> 00:06:43,730 it sounds a little like you're also saying... 182 00:06:43,756 --> 00:06:44,648 Are you wearing my perfume? 183 00:06:44,682 --> 00:06:46,616 - It was to trick the ducks. - Oh. 184 00:06:46,650 --> 00:06:48,051 But like I was saying -- 185 00:06:48,085 --> 00:06:49,435 Hey, is that Alex? 186 00:06:49,470 --> 00:06:51,254 It is. That's weird. 187 00:06:51,288 --> 00:06:53,456 She said she was gonna be at school all weekend studying. 188 00:06:55,392 --> 00:06:56,776 Hello? 189 00:06:56,827 --> 00:06:59,095 - Hey, honey. - Hi! I'm here, too. How are you doing, honey? 190 00:06:59,146 --> 00:07:02,498 Oh, yeah, I'm good. I'm doing some work. Really busy. 191 00:07:02,533 --> 00:07:04,083 Well, that's interesting, be-- 192 00:07:04,134 --> 00:07:06,235 Yeah, we've got a boring day ahead of us, too. 193 00:07:06,270 --> 00:07:08,487 Heading down to the impound lot to pick up the car 194 00:07:08,539 --> 00:07:11,090 because, yes, your brother got arrested last night. 195 00:07:11,141 --> 00:07:13,242 Oh! Okay. Well, that's great. 196 00:07:13,277 --> 00:07:15,661 Yeah, I really got to go. I left my stuff in the library. 197 00:07:15,712 --> 00:07:17,780 And I'm really worried someone's gonna steal my snacks. 198 00:07:17,814 --> 00:07:19,065 Okay, bye! 199 00:07:19,116 --> 00:07:20,883 Why did you stop me? I was gonna bust her. 200 00:07:20,918 --> 00:07:23,319 What? In a little lie? I mean, come on. 201 00:07:23,353 --> 00:07:24,904 She's probably visiting a friend 202 00:07:24,955 --> 00:07:26,389 and she didn't want to hurt our feelings. 203 00:07:26,423 --> 00:07:28,691 She barely reacted when she heard that Luke got arrested. 204 00:07:28,725 --> 00:07:30,326 She's obviously hiding something. 205 00:07:30,377 --> 00:07:32,261 And now she's walking into that liquor store. 206 00:07:32,329 --> 00:07:34,563 Oh, no. Oh, no. Now, this is serious. 207 00:07:34,565 --> 00:07:37,967 A college student is visiting a friend, and they're buying beer! 208 00:07:38,018 --> 00:07:39,402 Relax, Phil. 209 00:07:39,453 --> 00:07:40,903 This girl has two patents. 210 00:07:40,905 --> 00:07:42,802 What she needs is two parents. 211 00:07:42,826 --> 00:07:46,826 OK, my point is it wouldn't hurt Alex to loosen up. 212 00:07:47,037 --> 00:07:49,105 I mean, I'm worried that she's getting a little... 213 00:07:49,139 --> 00:07:50,689 There it is again. 214 00:07:50,740 --> 00:07:52,157 Just say it, Claire -- 215 00:07:52,209 --> 00:07:53,425 You like our kids running wild 216 00:07:53,476 --> 00:07:54,760 'cause you're worried they're too much 217 00:07:54,811 --> 00:07:56,195 like their namby-pamby dad, 218 00:07:56,246 --> 00:07:58,197 Mr. Goody-Goody, Mayor of Vanillatown. 219 00:07:58,231 --> 00:08:00,266 Is this 'cause the ducks like me better? 220 00:08:00,268 --> 00:08:02,651 That is biological, and you know it. 221 00:08:02,702 --> 00:08:03,969 There are videos of them online 222 00:08:04,004 --> 00:08:05,421 following around a vacuum cleaner. 223 00:08:05,472 --> 00:08:06,655 They're basically idiots! 224 00:08:06,690 --> 00:08:08,610 Oh, my god. Hang on. She's getting into that van. 225 00:08:08,625 --> 00:08:10,709 - Oh, now we're concerned! - Yes, I'm concerned! 226 00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:12,194 That is a sketchy repair van 227 00:08:12,228 --> 00:08:14,346 that is probably being driven by some middle-aged pervert 228 00:08:14,381 --> 00:08:16,515 with one long fingernail that she met online. 229 00:08:16,549 --> 00:08:18,517 Oh, my god, go! Follow them! 230 00:08:19,687 --> 00:08:21,453 Thank you for lending us Manny's easel. 231 00:08:21,504 --> 00:08:23,555 Did everyone love the sauce? 232 00:08:23,590 --> 00:08:25,190 Well, if by "everyone" you mean a thousand bees 233 00:08:25,192 --> 00:08:28,627 and a pony that escaped from the riding circle, yeah. 234 00:08:28,661 --> 00:08:30,679 Oh, no -- Is this one of those 235 00:08:30,730 --> 00:08:32,664 video wills where you make us compete in a scavenger hunt 236 00:08:32,699 --> 00:08:34,032 for your inheritance? 237 00:08:34,084 --> 00:08:36,435 No. It's the video for my Titan Award. I told you about it. 238 00:08:36,486 --> 00:08:38,754 I'm trying to project strength and confidence. 239 00:08:38,788 --> 00:08:40,539 Maybe you should lose the Garfield "I hate Mondays" mug 240 00:08:40,557 --> 00:08:42,491 - on the mantel. - Good catch. 241 00:08:42,525 --> 00:08:44,243 I've waited my whole life to hear you say those words. 242 00:08:44,294 --> 00:08:45,878 - Want to help me out here? - Yeah. 243 00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:46,979 I needed the distraction. 244 00:08:47,030 --> 00:08:48,480 I had spent enough of my day 245 00:08:48,515 --> 00:08:49,783 obsessing over Simon's job offer. 246 00:08:49,807 --> 00:08:52,816 Plus, I don't know... seing my big, strong dad 247 00:08:52,817 --> 00:08:54,719 reach out to me in a vulnerable way, 248 00:08:54,821 --> 00:08:56,721 it was -- It was kind of touching. 249 00:08:56,755 --> 00:08:59,023 The red button! How do you not see it?! 250 00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:00,924 Before you got here, I was turning it on with a broom! 251 00:09:00,975 --> 00:09:04,160 Now just -- forget it. Let's get lunch. 252 00:09:04,194 --> 00:09:06,546 - If I could just -- - Come with me! 253 00:09:06,580 --> 00:09:08,531 Okay, hold the sauce in your mouth, swirl it around -- 254 00:09:08,565 --> 00:09:10,567 Really coat your tongue. Now swallow. 255 00:09:10,618 --> 00:09:11,734 Mmm! 256 00:09:11,769 --> 00:09:13,636 - Right? - Much better. 257 00:09:13,687 --> 00:09:15,271 Okay, Jay, what you're gonna want to do 258 00:09:15,322 --> 00:09:17,273 is hold the sauce in your mouth, sw-- 259 00:09:17,308 --> 00:09:19,475 I know how eating works. 260 00:09:19,526 --> 00:09:21,110 - Not too shabby. - Thank you. 261 00:09:21,161 --> 00:09:23,413 You know who else makes a mean sauce is Gloria's dead aunt. 262 00:09:23,415 --> 00:09:24,580 - Oh. - Oh, there it is right there. 263 00:09:24,615 --> 00:09:26,015 Try some. I'm telling you, it's life-changing. 264 00:09:26,066 --> 00:09:27,683 I don't think we really need two sauces. 265 00:09:27,685 --> 00:09:28,918 And sometimes, when you have sauces from -- 266 00:09:28,952 --> 00:09:31,037 - Now you eat. - Mm. - Oh, yeah, huh? 267 00:09:31,088 --> 00:09:33,473 - Oh. Oh, my god. That is amazing. - Mmm. 268 00:09:33,524 --> 00:09:34,907 It's a secret recipe 269 00:09:34,942 --> 00:09:37,176 that has been in my family for generations. 270 00:09:37,211 --> 00:09:38,811 Was your sauce buried in a local time capsule 271 00:09:38,846 --> 00:09:41,414 during the bicentennial? Because mine was. 272 00:09:41,448 --> 00:09:44,333 My great-aunt Miranda was the only one that could make it, 273 00:09:44,384 --> 00:09:46,485 and because I was the oldest girl 274 00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:48,120 that didn't marry a Peruvian, 275 00:09:48,155 --> 00:09:49,972 the recipe passed down to me. 276 00:09:50,007 --> 00:09:51,390 - Sauce me. - Right. 277 00:09:51,425 --> 00:09:54,193 Ay, I don't have many things that remind me of Colombia 278 00:09:54,244 --> 00:09:55,878 here in the house, but now I do. 279 00:09:55,913 --> 00:09:57,597 Legend has it our sauce was so secret, 280 00:09:57,631 --> 00:09:59,231 it was only written down one place. 281 00:09:59,266 --> 00:10:01,200 We grew up eating this every Sunday, 282 00:10:01,251 --> 00:10:03,469 and now Manny and Joe will, too. 283 00:10:03,503 --> 00:10:05,287 It was tattooed backwards on a lame stable boy. 284 00:10:05,322 --> 00:10:06,572 You could only read it in a mirror. 285 00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:07,907 Mm, can I see that recipe? 286 00:10:07,958 --> 00:10:09,709 Uh, uh, well, I think it's a little bit rude to read -- 287 00:10:09,743 --> 00:10:11,227 - Ay! - You bumped my hand! 288 00:10:11,261 --> 00:10:12,478 - You've ruined it! - No! 289 00:10:12,529 --> 00:10:14,063 No, no! I can dry it! I can dry it! 290 00:10:14,065 --> 00:10:15,464 No, now the ink's running. Cam! 291 00:10:15,499 --> 00:10:19,201 No, and now you have ruined my great-uncle's napkins! 292 00:10:19,236 --> 00:10:21,320 Does -- okay, does everything at this table have meaning? 293 00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:23,973 Hey, sorry I'm late. 294 00:10:24,007 --> 00:10:25,274 My new lady, Rachel, needed help 295 00:10:25,308 --> 00:10:27,610 picking a pair of shorts to make her stepdad mad. 296 00:10:27,661 --> 00:10:29,278 I wonder what's more of a "screw you" -- 297 00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:31,547 You telling me that story or that the ducks now stare at me 298 00:10:31,598 --> 00:10:33,549 while they slowly go to the bathroom? 299 00:10:33,583 --> 00:10:35,484 Didn't you guys have three ducks? 300 00:10:35,535 --> 00:10:37,703 Yeah -- one, two... 301 00:10:37,754 --> 00:10:39,004 Oh, no. 302 00:10:39,039 --> 00:10:40,189 Uh-oh! Dude! 303 00:10:40,223 --> 00:10:41,607 No, no, no, no, no, no! 304 00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:43,909 Where did he go? 305 00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:46,113 Hey, look, there's a duck-call app we can use. 306 00:10:47,547 --> 00:10:49,498 Oh, crap. Not her. 307 00:10:49,532 --> 00:10:50,916 What happened with this one? 308 00:10:50,950 --> 00:10:53,052 Well, I was seeing her for a while, 309 00:10:53,103 --> 00:10:54,703 then she pulled her shade down. 310 00:10:54,738 --> 00:10:56,622 Classy. Get ready. 311 00:11:00,477 --> 00:11:02,911 - Scatter! - Uh... Uh... 312 00:11:02,962 --> 00:11:04,096 What the hell are you doing? 313 00:11:04,130 --> 00:11:06,265 Are you taking pictures of me sleeping in a bikini? 314 00:11:06,299 --> 00:11:09,201 No! I was just trying to lure that little duckling 315 00:11:09,235 --> 00:11:10,719 back into my friend's yard. 316 00:11:10,754 --> 00:11:13,138 Oh, my god! 317 00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:15,107 - It's so cute! - Thank you. 318 00:11:15,141 --> 00:11:16,909 You're adorable for looking after him. 319 00:11:18,361 --> 00:11:20,779 Hey, you know, I think I've seen you around school before. 320 00:11:20,814 --> 00:11:22,231 - I'm Tammy. - Manny. 321 00:11:22,233 --> 00:11:24,566 You have got to be kidding me. 322 00:11:24,601 --> 00:11:26,635 What drives Jay Pritchett? 323 00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:28,737 A desire never to repeat himself. 324 00:11:28,788 --> 00:11:29,838 Let me do that again. 325 00:11:30,907 --> 00:11:33,458 What drives Jay Pritchett? An Audi. 326 00:11:33,493 --> 00:11:35,260 I'm gonna start with a joke? I'm following Red Murtaugh. 327 00:11:35,295 --> 00:11:36,395 The man's hilarious. 328 00:11:36,429 --> 00:11:38,247 You've seen him be that baby in his ads. 329 00:11:38,281 --> 00:11:39,498 Just so you know, the camera only has 330 00:11:39,549 --> 00:11:41,266 - 11 hours of battery, so... - Let's see what we've got. 331 00:11:41,301 --> 00:11:42,301 Yep. 332 00:11:43,569 --> 00:11:45,671 Why do I look so pale and sweaty? 333 00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:47,973 Oh, well, you're old and Irish. 334 00:11:49,809 --> 00:11:53,078 Hey, um -- uh, Gloria, again, I just want to say that I'm -- 335 00:11:53,129 --> 00:11:54,880 You're sorry? You told me. 336 00:11:54,914 --> 00:11:57,966 Yes, and, uh -- excuse me -- That it was an accident. 337 00:11:58,000 --> 00:11:59,317 Was it? 338 00:11:59,368 --> 00:12:01,303 Yes, of course. 339 00:12:01,337 --> 00:12:03,555 I think. I -- I don't know. 340 00:12:03,606 --> 00:12:06,658 You have destroyed my children's connection to their past, 341 00:12:06,709 --> 00:12:08,593 and you might have done it on purpose? 342 00:12:08,678 --> 00:12:11,897 I'm sorry. Andrew humiliated me today at the Farmers' Market, 343 00:12:11,948 --> 00:12:14,649 and I've always been sauce-competitive... 344 00:12:14,700 --> 00:12:16,801 Look, just let me help you re-create it. 345 00:12:16,836 --> 00:12:19,905 I saw my aunt make it once when I was 8 years old. 346 00:12:19,939 --> 00:12:21,259 You think I'm going to remember -- 347 00:12:22,241 --> 00:12:24,576 Cilantro! What? 348 00:12:24,627 --> 00:12:28,079 That car backfiring, it sounded like gunshots. 349 00:12:28,130 --> 00:12:31,583 I remember when I was a little girl in my aunt's kitchen, 350 00:12:31,634 --> 00:12:35,086 and she started chopping the cilantro really loud 351 00:12:35,137 --> 00:12:37,055 so that we couldn't hear the noise. 352 00:12:37,089 --> 00:12:38,723 Yes, okay. Well, what else do you remember? 353 00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:40,725 Well, nothing, Cam. It was 30 years ago. 354 00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:43,728 No, the recipe is inside you! It just needs to come out! 355 00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:47,148 Mommy, I found it. 356 00:12:47,183 --> 00:12:49,150 - Lemon juice! - What? 357 00:12:49,185 --> 00:12:51,152 Oh, see? I told you it's just a matter of time! 358 00:12:51,187 --> 00:12:53,488 Capers, jalapeño, 359 00:12:53,522 --> 00:12:55,990 and a dash of black pepper! 360 00:12:57,661 --> 00:12:58,794 It's just so sad. 361 00:12:58,879 --> 00:13:00,639 The guy decides to spend the rest of his life 362 00:13:00,647 --> 00:13:02,465 with some zombie he doesn't love. 363 00:13:03,467 --> 00:13:05,518 - Your table is ready. - Smashing! 364 00:13:05,569 --> 00:13:08,354 - A bucket of chips -- - We're not doing that. 365 00:13:08,388 --> 00:13:09,288 Okay. 366 00:13:09,339 --> 00:13:10,923 Hey, um, real quick -- 367 00:13:10,925 --> 00:13:13,693 Why wasn't it more uncomfortable for you to watch that movie? 368 00:13:13,744 --> 00:13:16,429 Right. Because zombies killed my parents. 369 00:13:16,463 --> 00:13:18,731 Oh, never mind. I forgot you can't have an adult conversation. 370 00:13:18,765 --> 00:13:20,366 No, okay, yes. 371 00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:22,768 If -- if we would have watched that movie a few months ago, 372 00:13:22,803 --> 00:13:25,538 it would have been really weird, but... 373 00:13:25,572 --> 00:13:27,039 We're all good now, right? 374 00:13:27,041 --> 00:13:29,975 Oh, yeah. No, I mean, I am good. 375 00:13:29,977 --> 00:13:32,411 Dylan and I picked up right where we left off. 376 00:13:32,413 --> 00:13:34,346 I was just checking on you. 377 00:13:34,348 --> 00:13:36,949 'Cause for a while there, you were getting a little, uh... 378 00:13:36,951 --> 00:13:38,784 ♪ Doot-doot, do-do-do-do, doot-doot, do-do ♪ 379 00:13:38,819 --> 00:13:40,519 Yeah. 380 00:13:40,521 --> 00:13:42,154 Beth stood by me. 381 00:13:42,189 --> 00:13:43,455 Well, you know, as close as she could. 382 00:13:43,457 --> 00:13:44,590 Hmm. 383 00:13:44,624 --> 00:13:46,692 That's when I knew I was with the right person. 384 00:13:46,726 --> 00:13:47,826 And -- And don't get me wrong -- 385 00:13:47,878 --> 00:13:50,479 I was -- I was pretty hung up on you. 386 00:13:51,681 --> 00:13:53,582 But once I got it down to only one woman in my head, 387 00:13:53,633 --> 00:13:55,401 I saw Beth in a whole new way, 388 00:13:55,435 --> 00:13:56,902 and we were able to move forward. 389 00:13:56,904 --> 00:13:59,705 That makes sense. 390 00:13:59,739 --> 00:14:00,940 I'm happy for you. 391 00:14:02,909 --> 00:14:05,461 Look at us, brother and sister, 392 00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:06,729 separated from our mum... 393 00:14:06,763 --> 00:14:09,682 Oh, you're so good at that. 394 00:14:09,716 --> 00:14:10,933 Hey, what do you think about 395 00:14:10,967 --> 00:14:13,535 inviting Haley and Dylan to the wedding? 396 00:14:13,570 --> 00:14:15,637 I love that idea. 397 00:14:15,672 --> 00:14:17,773 And I love you for having it. 398 00:14:19,325 --> 00:14:23,195 Why do you think people stopped saying "coinkydink"? 399 00:14:23,229 --> 00:14:24,663 Dylan, um... 400 00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:25,964 Oh, god. 401 00:14:25,999 --> 00:14:27,759 You're breaking up with me again, aren't you? 402 00:14:27,767 --> 00:14:29,868 I'm sorry. I just -- I -- 403 00:14:29,903 --> 00:14:31,954 I feel like Andy and Beth 404 00:14:32,005 --> 00:14:34,439 and everyone in the world are moving forward, 405 00:14:34,474 --> 00:14:35,941 and we're moving backward. 406 00:14:35,992 --> 00:14:37,276 Actually, we're stopping, 407 00:14:37,310 --> 00:14:38,977 because I want to get out of the car. 408 00:14:39,012 --> 00:14:41,446 - Dylan -- - Stop! 409 00:14:41,481 --> 00:14:44,266 I'm tired of being jerked around. 410 00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:47,552 Now I'm moving forward, too. 411 00:14:47,587 --> 00:14:48,837 Can't you at least call an Uber? 412 00:14:48,871 --> 00:14:52,891 You know they banned me for talking too much to the drivers! 413 00:14:52,942 --> 00:14:55,494 She's still not answering. I can't believe we lost them. 414 00:14:55,545 --> 00:14:58,096 We're almost home. I can track her phone from the computer. 415 00:14:58,098 --> 00:14:59,698 "I hope you can track her phone 416 00:14:59,749 --> 00:15:00,999 better than you tracked that van." 417 00:15:01,050 --> 00:15:03,301 I'm sorry, Claire. Just 'cause I'm 1/64th Cherokee, 418 00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:04,903 it doesn't make me a natural tracker. 419 00:15:04,954 --> 00:15:06,594 You realize I'm not participating in this. 420 00:15:06,622 --> 00:15:08,407 Well, you made it pretty clear it was my fault we lost them 421 00:15:08,441 --> 00:15:10,142 due to my less-than-manly driving. 422 00:15:10,193 --> 00:15:12,627 - Oh, my god. - Yes, this again. 423 00:15:12,662 --> 00:15:14,212 I'm not letting it go till you admit that you wish I was a -- 424 00:15:14,263 --> 00:15:15,313 Phil, it's the van! 425 00:15:16,349 --> 00:15:17,833 - In my own house?! - Oh, no! 426 00:15:19,018 --> 00:15:21,386 - Okay, now, hang on. - Don't hold me back, Claire! 427 00:15:21,437 --> 00:15:23,188 I may be one 1/64th Cherokee, 428 00:15:23,239 --> 00:15:27,259 but I'm also 63/64ths crazy white guy! 429 00:15:27,293 --> 00:15:28,393 Where is he?! 430 00:15:28,395 --> 00:15:29,694 - Are you okay? - What are you talking about? 431 00:15:29,729 --> 00:15:31,046 - Are you okay? - I-I-I'm fine. 432 00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:34,783 - No, I'm sorry! I-I -- - You are now! 433 00:15:36,586 --> 00:15:37,536 Reuben? 434 00:15:37,570 --> 00:15:41,039 Oh, my god! I killed Reuben! 435 00:15:41,073 --> 00:15:42,207 Oh, babe? 436 00:15:42,209 --> 00:15:44,175 What's going on? That's blood. 437 00:15:44,210 --> 00:15:49,180 In my defense, I didn't think anyone would ever find out. 438 00:15:49,182 --> 00:15:50,148 Stay with me, Reuben! 439 00:15:50,182 --> 00:15:51,983 Okay, so Reuben is the one 440 00:15:51,985 --> 00:15:53,301 who picked you up in the van? 441 00:15:53,336 --> 00:15:55,720 Yes, it was his dad's -- Oh, my god! 442 00:15:55,771 --> 00:15:57,021 Have you been following me? 443 00:15:57,023 --> 00:15:59,124 He's coming to. He's gonna be fine. 444 00:15:59,126 --> 00:16:00,258 No! No! 445 00:16:00,292 --> 00:16:02,060 Don't try and make this our fault. 446 00:16:02,094 --> 00:16:04,996 You are the one who went to the liquor store and bought -- what? 447 00:16:04,998 --> 00:16:07,265 Ice. 448 00:16:07,267 --> 00:16:11,169 Reuben sprained his hamstring today while playing Quidditch. 449 00:16:11,203 --> 00:16:13,321 Honey, don't take this the wrong way, but Reuben? 450 00:16:13,355 --> 00:16:14,873 - We're in love. - Oh, shut up. 451 00:16:14,907 --> 00:16:16,040 No, no, no, keep talking! 452 00:16:16,075 --> 00:16:17,308 Remember what happened when you tripped and fell 453 00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:18,409 right before we got here? 454 00:16:18,444 --> 00:16:20,211 You know what? Caltech is hard. 455 00:16:20,246 --> 00:16:22,647 Between all the geniuses and breaking up with Sanjay, 456 00:16:22,681 --> 00:16:24,449 I just wanted something comfortable, 457 00:16:24,483 --> 00:16:26,868 even if it is a wormy little dork that worships me. 458 00:16:26,919 --> 00:16:28,886 Oh, honey, I understand. 459 00:16:28,888 --> 00:16:30,538 Oh, like mother, like daughter, I guess. 460 00:16:30,573 --> 00:16:32,156 Okay. He's gonna be fine. 461 00:16:32,208 --> 00:16:33,808 Phil, come over here and talk to me for a second. 462 00:16:33,842 --> 00:16:34,926 Oh, okay. 463 00:16:34,977 --> 00:16:36,817 Well, I guess we're done with my thing already. 464 00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:39,564 If I was ever stupid enough to imply, for one second, 465 00:16:39,598 --> 00:16:41,158 that you were not bad boy enough for me, 466 00:16:41,183 --> 00:16:44,202 I couldn't possibly think that right now. 467 00:16:44,253 --> 00:16:45,970 Because I attacked a 16-year-old? 468 00:16:45,972 --> 00:16:48,864 You didn't know who was in that closet. 469 00:16:50,701 --> 00:16:51,884 Look, he's up. 470 00:16:51,919 --> 00:16:53,135 Okay, we're gonna leave the two of you alone. 471 00:16:53,186 --> 00:16:54,470 Oh, wait, wait, wait, no, no, no. 472 00:16:54,472 --> 00:16:57,373 Yeah, we're not gonna tell anyone about this, right? 473 00:16:57,375 --> 00:17:00,810 Forbidden love. It's -- it's hotter that way. 474 00:17:00,812 --> 00:17:02,945 Also, I -- I had a-a-a wand. 475 00:17:02,979 --> 00:17:05,715 Um... 476 00:17:05,749 --> 00:17:07,783 I hate myself so much. 477 00:17:07,818 --> 00:17:08,901 Mmm! It's good. 478 00:17:08,952 --> 00:17:11,554 Of course it's good. It's -- I'm sure -- o... Kay. 479 00:17:11,588 --> 00:17:13,689 Oh, my gosh. It's glorious. 480 00:17:13,724 --> 00:17:15,291 So much better than mine. 481 00:17:15,325 --> 00:17:16,926 - Well, your sauce is -- - Is garbage! 482 00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:17,960 - Mm-hmm. - It's mostly ketchup. 483 00:17:18,011 --> 00:17:19,778 Gloria, this is what we need to be selling 484 00:17:19,813 --> 00:17:20,863 at the Farmers' Market. 485 00:17:20,865 --> 00:17:22,498 We would have them lined up clear down 486 00:17:22,500 --> 00:17:24,467 past the cruelty-free beaver-milk stand. 487 00:17:24,501 --> 00:17:25,901 I would crush Andrew. 488 00:17:25,903 --> 00:17:28,387 I cannot go back to the Farmers' Market. 489 00:17:28,421 --> 00:17:30,356 The year was 2011. 490 00:17:30,390 --> 00:17:31,957 I had just come back from Colombia 491 00:17:31,992 --> 00:17:35,561 with a box full of our family's homemade hair relaxer, 492 00:17:35,612 --> 00:17:37,663 the Colombian comb-out. 493 00:17:37,697 --> 00:17:41,817 Friday, I sold 50 bottles, but Saturday... 494 00:17:41,851 --> 00:17:45,337 It says on the bottle to leave it in for three minutes! 495 00:17:45,372 --> 00:17:48,424 No, it says, "leave in for three. 496 00:17:48,475 --> 00:17:50,442 Minutes later, you will look fantastic." 497 00:17:50,493 --> 00:17:52,194 One, two, three, comb it out. 498 00:17:52,245 --> 00:17:54,371 Ay, I see how it can be confusing. 499 00:17:55,366 --> 00:17:57,866 If it's true, as many people theorize 500 00:17:58,106 --> 00:18:01,425 that Stonehenge was, in fact, a druid closet -- 501 00:18:01,427 --> 00:18:02,427 - Mitchell. - Hmm? 502 00:18:02,428 --> 00:18:03,494 Uh, oh. Oh, yeah. 503 00:18:03,528 --> 00:18:05,712 - Oh, good. We -- we got it! - What's with you? 504 00:18:05,747 --> 00:18:06,964 I'm sorry. 505 00:18:06,998 --> 00:18:09,266 I'm sorry. I got this whole work thing stressing me out. 506 00:18:09,300 --> 00:18:10,567 It's your lucky day. 507 00:18:10,569 --> 00:18:12,503 You have an audience with a Titan of Industry 508 00:18:12,537 --> 00:18:15,155 without having to buy the $15-a-plate dinner ticket. 509 00:18:15,189 --> 00:18:16,490 What's the issue? 510 00:18:16,524 --> 00:18:20,561 Well, I got this job offer at this really big firm, but, um... 511 00:18:20,595 --> 00:18:23,530 I've actually, uh, been thinking about 512 00:18:23,581 --> 00:18:25,432 maybe starting my own practice. 513 00:18:25,466 --> 00:18:27,518 - What's your gut tell you? - I don't know. 514 00:18:27,568 --> 00:18:30,337 I-I would like to have my own firm, but that's really scary. 515 00:18:30,371 --> 00:18:33,106 But this other offer is very attractive, 516 00:18:33,141 --> 00:18:35,125 but I'd have to report to this guy who I hate, 517 00:18:35,159 --> 00:18:37,160 which, you know, might be worth it for the job security -- 518 00:18:37,178 --> 00:18:39,096 - Take the offer. - Really? 519 00:18:39,147 --> 00:18:40,430 It takes a certain type of personality 520 00:18:40,432 --> 00:18:41,732 to run your own thing. 521 00:18:41,734 --> 00:18:43,367 You have to be a fighter. 522 00:18:43,369 --> 00:18:44,801 Well, this is fun. 523 00:18:44,836 --> 00:18:45,956 You wanted my honest opinion. 524 00:18:45,970 --> 00:18:47,687 No, Cam! I said no. 525 00:18:47,739 --> 00:18:51,174 The polar ice caps are melting, gridlock in Washington -- 526 00:18:51,209 --> 00:18:53,643 America needs to feel good again, Gloria. 527 00:18:53,678 --> 00:18:55,729 - Let them taste your sauce. - What's happening now? 528 00:18:55,780 --> 00:18:59,015 He wants me to sell my sauce at the Farmers' Market, 529 00:18:59,050 --> 00:19:00,567 but I am not interested. 530 00:19:00,601 --> 00:19:02,486 - I agree with Gloria. - Thank you so much. 531 00:19:02,537 --> 00:19:04,287 Yeah, you crashed and burned with the hair thing. 532 00:19:04,338 --> 00:19:05,806 You need more of that humiliation? 533 00:19:05,857 --> 00:19:08,074 We don't know that that would happen. 534 00:19:08,109 --> 00:19:10,160 Disappearing middle-class, racial unrest... 535 00:19:10,211 --> 00:19:12,512 You got a nice thing going here, Gloria. Enjoy it. 536 00:19:12,563 --> 00:19:14,447 What? You don't think that I can do it? 537 00:19:14,482 --> 00:19:15,866 No. No, he doesn't. 538 00:19:15,900 --> 00:19:18,835 He thinks that he's the only business titan in this family. 539 00:19:18,869 --> 00:19:22,772 Nobody can tell me what I can or cannot do. 540 00:19:22,807 --> 00:19:24,908 I have some sauce to sell. 541 00:19:24,910 --> 00:19:27,877 And I'm gonna go register my new firm right now. 542 00:19:27,912 --> 00:19:29,512 And I'm gonna storm out, too, 543 00:19:29,514 --> 00:19:33,950 even though both of those things actually make me very happy. 544 00:19:42,543 --> 00:19:45,612 You want to know what drove Jay Pritchett? 545 00:19:45,646 --> 00:19:48,081 People telling me I wasn't good enough. 546 00:19:48,115 --> 00:19:49,699 There's something about a person telling you 547 00:19:49,750 --> 00:19:51,034 you can't do something. 548 00:19:51,085 --> 00:19:53,102 Blood. 549 00:19:53,137 --> 00:19:56,105 It just lights the competitive fires... 550 00:19:58,442 --> 00:20:00,577 ...drives us to take risks... 551 00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:05,949 ...opens us up to new opportunities... 552 00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:07,617 Oh, hey, Sarah. 553 00:20:07,619 --> 00:20:08,668 I'm sorry about your cat. 554 00:20:08,752 --> 00:20:09,953 I heard you got arrested. 555 00:20:10,955 --> 00:20:13,423 Everything I did, I did to prove the naysayers wrong. 556 00:20:13,457 --> 00:20:15,925 So, to everyone who didn't think I was good enough -- 557 00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:17,760 Look, dad! I tied my shoes! 558 00:20:17,795 --> 00:20:19,595 Good job, Joe! 559 00:20:19,630 --> 00:20:21,597 Ah. 560 00:20:22,032 --> 00:20:23,866 ...how do you like me now? 561 00:20:25,219 --> 00:20:26,945 Honey, I don't wanna go to this Titans dinner 562 00:20:26,946 --> 00:20:28,847 any more than you do, but we're gonna be late. 563 00:20:29,369 --> 00:20:31,036 Phil. 564 00:20:31,038 --> 00:20:33,038 Phil. Phil! 565 00:20:33,040 --> 00:20:34,040 Dunphy. 566 00:20:34,090 --> 00:20:35,207 What is going on? 567 00:20:35,209 --> 00:20:36,542 I'm trying to pay Luke's impound fee, 568 00:20:36,544 --> 00:20:37,709 but this automated phone system 569 00:20:37,711 --> 00:20:39,178 doesn't understand anything I'm saying. 570 00:20:39,212 --> 00:20:40,628 Dun-phy. 571 00:20:42,106 --> 00:20:44,306 Dun-phy. Yes. 572 00:20:44,330 --> 00:20:46,830 No. No. Not Bill Dunphy. 573 00:20:46,854 --> 00:20:48,854 We went over my first name for 20 minutes! 574 00:20:49,579 --> 00:20:50,579 Phil! 575 00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:53,080 Phil! 576 00:20:54,577 --> 00:20:55,577 Phil! 577 00:20:56,120 --> 00:20:57,120 Phil! 578 00:20:57,492 --> 00:20:58,492 Phil! 579 00:20:58,716 --> 00:21:04,216 Sync & corrections by gloriabg www.addic7ed.com