What's all this? I said one suitcase.
I need choices, Jay.
Colombia's not one of your more formal nations.
The guy on their money is sitting in a lawn chair.
Ay. I cannot believe that my little baby's leaving me.
You know, I left the glass doors open downstairs.
So right now, your actual baby may be leaving.
Ahhh! One robe.
I guess we know what everyone will be talking about
my second morning there.
Manny is visiting Gloria's family for about a month, I hope.
I just have to get him on a plane before Gloria has a meltdown
and changes her mind.
'Cos if he doesn't go to Colombia,
Colombia comes to me.
It's happened before.
- ¡Ahí está! ¡Gloria! - ¡Gloria! ¡Gloria!
Oh, my God.
-Oh, my God! - What?!
Oh! It's Mitchell. We won.
- Ay, that's great! - What we won?
It's fantastic. We've waited so long. What did we won?!
The supreme court ruling. Gay marriage is legal.
Ay! Congratulations!
Thanks, Gloria.
Can I talk to Cam?
Uh, yes. Hold on.
- Here. - Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, it's Mitchell.
Hi. Hey.
I gotta go. But can you believe this finally happened?
I know. It's amazing. We'll celebrate tonight.
- I love you. - Celebrate what?
Oh. Well, Jay, hold on to your hat.
But as of today in California,
it's legal for a man to marry another man!
Ew. He threw up.
He just needs some time to get used to the idea, honey.
- It's so great, Cam. - Yeah, I'm happy for you guys.
Gloria, Manny needs his birth certificate
to re-enter the country.
Any idea where it is?
I don't know.
Oh, that's right. He leaves today. You must be a wreck.
She's not a wreck. She's a rock.
Now, looked, and it's not in the safe.
This one had her first sleepover last week.
I just had to tough my way through it.
He picked me up in the dark.
I can't find that birth certificate anywhere, Jay.
Maybe it's a sign and --
it's a sign we need a refresher meeting
on what goes in the safe.
Here's a preview -- no shoes.
Look, I looked online,
and we can get a copy if we go to the courthouse.
That's what we're gonna do. In the car.
We'll be back in an hour.
Hey, Cam. Congratulations. Go, gay marriage.
He did it again.
Ay, sí.
Okay. Well...
Synced by YYeTs, corrected by gloriabg www.addic7ed.com
So tell me, Cam.
How does it work when it is between two men?
Well, I don't really feel comfortable
talking about that... in front of Lily.
I know how that works.
I rented the wrong movie once.
Did you see "Glen, Garry, Glenn, and Ross"?
Uh, no.
- Why don't you go play? - What I mean is,
who proposes to who?
I don't know. We've talked about it, if it ever became legal.
Okay, and now it is. So are you going to do it today?
Well, it just happened.
- I haven't really had -- - Oh, you have to do it today.
Every couple deserve a beautiful proposal story.
Well, I have always adored my mom and dad's story.
He plowed "will you marry me?" into a snowy field
right outside of her window.
And then he tried to re-create it
for their 25th wedding anniversary.
But there was no snow, so he burned it into a cornfield.
Bad idea.
You know, but mama did get a second ring out of it
with the F.E.M.A. money.
Ay, I wish I also had a romantic story.
One day, we were watching TV before dinner,
and Jay says, "Manny, hand me that thing."
And Manny gives him the ring.
I mean, I was very happy, of course,
but it is not the best story.
At least Javier was on top of a dolphin.
Soldiers talk about that moment when they shut off,
when the war finally wins.
- Get down! - Shut up!
I can't see the TV!
Turn the fan on!
Oh, stop yelling! My head's going to explode!
For me, that moment is four days into summer vacation.
Hey, honey. What's up?
Do you remember when summer meant fireflies
and cutoff shorts and ice-cream trucks?
Well, one out of three.
We'll get our time. They're all going away at some point, right?
Yeah, Haley's got her beach trip,
and Alex is doing habitat for humanity,
and Luke has camp.
If I remember, I think we have six hours totally kid-free on...
Oh, the 14th.
Hey, if we moved Alex's flight,
we could have, like, 10 or 12 hours.
Dream bigger, hot pants.
Step aside.
Sometimes I don't know if I love how much I fear Claire,
or fear how much I love her.
Ohh.
22nd to the 8th for Alex,
Luke to the 14th,
Haley gets a day there.
- Come on. - That's it, beautiful mind.
Harness that crazy into something positive.
Shh! If I can get Alex to move her habitat for humanity
from Oklahoma to Sacramento
and Luke to move his camp session,
they will both overlap with Haley's vacation,
and I just bought us seven kid-free days.
- Witchcraft! - Yes.
I've outdone myself, Gloria.
I booked the restaurant from our first date,
the same table overlooking the ocean,
and I'll do it at sunset,
which I've recently discovered is my ideal lighting.
That's so romantic.
I know! Isn't it?
Oh. Oh! Oh, okay. Oh, that's Mitchell.
Gotta go.
Oh, don't let him hear the excitement in your voice.
You're right. You're right.
- What? - I'm at that coffee shop on 3rd,
and I forgot my wallet.
Can you come bail me out?
Ugh. Isn't this convenient?
It actually was. I was only two blocks away.
But when I got there, I realized it was all a ploy
so he could propose.
But it was so sweet,
I just decided to ditch my plans and let him do it.
Mitchell, I'm so sorry,
but there is a massive pileup on the 405,
and, well, I have to go pick up Lily.
And maybe you could just call Claire or something?
Cam, Cam, I got, like, 50 cents to my name.
Have you decided on a tea?
Do they all cost the same?
Yeah.
Look at that line.
Probably everybody getting their gay marriage license.
I think it's just called a marriage license.
Yeah, I don't know.
Maybe we should go home and forget about it.
What?
I've been reading up on some of those tropical diseases --
- malaria, yellow fever, rabies. - Mm-hmm.
I'm high risk, Jay. I'm a big hand shaker.
You're fine. You've had all your shots.
And that Paco Rabanne will scare away any mosquitoes.
Jay, I'm scared.
I'm not sure I want to go through with it.
We didn't drive all the way down here for that piece of paper
for you to get cold feet at the last second.
And what happened, anyway?
You've been looking forward to this day for months.
I know. But maybe we should wait until next year.
I'm still kind of young to be doing this.
We're not waiting.
I already paid for you, and your mother signed off.
This is happening.
Great day, huh?
- Hello! - Oh, thank God. - Mm-hmm.
I've had so many cups of tea,
they gave me my own one of these.
Ohh. Here you go.
So congratulations on the whole marriage thing.
- How amazing is that, right? - Yeah.
We gonna hear some big gay wedding bells soon?
- Ah, well, just wedding bells. - Mm-hmm.
Yeah. Yeah, of course. We've always talked about it.
But, you know,
it's just -- just a matter of finding the right timing.
And then there -- there's a couple of other factors --
the tax implications and estate planning.
Oh, stop. I'm swooning.
I'm just being practical.
You're the same way.
You -- you told Phil to take back your engagement ring
and buy you a washer/dryer.
Well, don't put this back on me. Come on.
What is Cam's biggest complaint about you?
You're not romantic.
This is your opportunity.
Mitchell, you should go home tonight
and surprise him with a big, splashy proposal.
He would really like it if I proposed to him.
I guess I could stop after work and pick up a card.
- And -- - Oh, my God. You're hopeless.
- I know. - Mitchell, okay.
- This is what you do. - Oh, boy.
It really should be your own idea, though.
No! Come on, come on. I need help. Please?
Fine. Okay.
Tonight, you cook him his favorite meal.
- You open the best bottle of wine. - Mm-hmm.
And just as the two of you are sitting down to enjoy it,
you break up with him.
What? Why?
Because then, as he is at his lowest,
you pop the question.
He goes from agony to ecstasy!
It's so romantic.
You're kidding, right?
More traditional? Okay. Y--
All right. You look into his eyes...
And you say, "I saw a doctor.
He found a small dark mass."
What are you?
And then just as he begins to cry,
you pull out a black box with a ring in it.
There's your small dark mass! It's genius!
Y-you're a disaster.
You could go the disaster route, too.
Did you ever hear how I told Phil we were gonna have Luke?
I said, "thousands of children die every day..."
Dad?
I'm sorry. Was I being proud of you too loud?
What are you doing?
Going off to habitat, helping all those people.
Honey, I'm speechless.
Thanks. I just thought it was --
But are we sure about Oklahoma?
There's so many needy people right up in Sacramento.
And it's driving distance.
I already signed up for my work detail,
and I've been e-mailing with my tentmate.
Yeah. No, you're right.
I guess it's just...
No.
Never mind.
What is it?
No, it's stupid.
I've just never been so far away
from my baby girl before.
Not now, waterworks. Not now.
Oh, daddy.
You okay, dad?
Oh, hey, buddy. Never been better.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm gonna miss that when you go off to camp on the 14th.
Little wiffle golf?
Wait. I can't go to camp on the 14th.
I have to go when Carly's going.
- Who's Carly? - Shh!
She's this girl I like, and she's here right now.
Well, all the more reason
to change camp sessions.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. It's foolproof.
Not this fool. Forget it.
What about all the new girls you're gonna meet?
You're only 14.
Do you really want to be tied down?
Yes!
- Oh, Luke, watch. I-I got it. - Okay.
Okay.
Nice!
Oh, hi, Mr. Dunphy.
Sorry we moved the furniture around.
I was showing Luke the flip I did at tumbling sectionals.
Oh, no. That's my mom.
But I can leave you guys this old movie I brought over.
It's called "Dirty dancing."
Never let her go.
Hey, Carly's mom. Phil Dunphy. Big fan of your daughter.
- Thank you. - Get off me!
So, yeah, heads up. Luke's got to change his camp session.
- You guys may want to do the same. - No.
My husband and I have been working the white board all week,
and we just bought three days away from that.
- It wasn't even me! - Bank it!
Carly!
Okay, Manny, remember, as soon as you land,
watch out for Malaria.
Why? I got a shot for that.
Can we hurry this up?
No, I'm look about your cousin Malaria.
She's coming to pick you up, but she might have Rubella.
- What? - That's her daughter.
But make room in the car because she could have diphtheria.
Who's diphtheria?
Ay, Manny, diphtheria is a disease.
That's why I want you to be apart from her in the car.
Okay, let's go. Gloria, better say goodbye here.
He's got to hurry to get through security.
- But there's no line. - For now.
A senior tour bus just pulled up.
You know how much private wanding that is?
Half their skeletons are metal.
Ay, Manny, please. Call me as soon as you land.
- I'll miss you. - And we're walking.
I love you!
- Wait. - No. Up!
I forgot to give mom this card I wrote.
Uh, no, no, no. I'll handle it.
Safe trip, buddy. Safe trip.
We're out of here.
No, let's wait until he gets to the top.
Who wants ice cream? Huh?
What if he never comes back?
Oh, honey, no one ever leaves home and doesn't come back.
I did.
Hey, honey.
I've been mulling over your Sacramento decision.
It wasn't exactly my --
of course I want my baby girl close,
but I got to get used to you leaving.
Because college -- and knowing you, a great college --
is right around the corner.
Am I right?
Now, habitat will look good on an application,
but does Sacramento really move the needle?
I have another place in mind.
Little hint -- it starts with an "el."
El Salvador? Are you serious?
They have an unstable government
and -- and earthquakes.
Boats. Looks like there's a h-hill.
I'm just saying, you don't push yourself at this stage,
you wind up at a second-tier college.
Soon you've lost all your ambition.
You're just drifting through life,
hoping someone offers you an "M-R-S" degree.
Is that who you want to be?
Hey, princess. Second breakfast?
Fun.
So, big beach trip coming up, huh?
Yeah.
Can't get better than late July,
- unless it's early aug-- - Save it, dad.
I know you and mom want the house to yourselves.
Nope.
I'm the last piece of the puzzle, right?
What's it worth to you?
Fine.
How about I pay for gas and two dinners?
Mnh-mnh. Gas,
all dinners, groceries, two new bathing suits,
- a boogie board, one of those -- - Are you crazy?
- No. I'm also not done. - Yes, you are done.
You know why?
You know another way this shakes out? You don't go.
That's right. Overplay your hand, I pull the plug,
you blow your last chance for a good time with your friends.
Word gets out that you're not cool.
Then school starts.
You end up with your nose in a book all year.
No friends, no dates, not caring how you look.
Is that who you want to be?
Turns out Mitchell really had forgotten his wallet,
so proposing wasn't even on his radar.
My plan was bulletproof.
He was gonna be as blindsided
as the fattest hog on founder's day,
and I was...
Pretty darn proud of myself.
I had the ideal proposal.
Cam once told me that all he wanted
was someone to sit in a rocking chair and grow old with.
So while we're at dinner,
Claire is setting up two rocking chairs
next to the fireplace, with a bottle of champagne.
Ohh. He is going to...
Squeal like a berkshire white in a four-man pig toss.
Gosh durn it, I miss founder's day.
This is a little bit fancy for just a quick bite.
Well, who knows if they can even get us in?
Let me check.
Reservation for Tucker.
Is everything set up with the table?
Yeah.
The restaurant where we had our first date,
the sunset lighting that Cam loves...
He was going to propose.
I-I-I was so touched,
but at the same time, he was ruining the one chance I had
for romantic redemption.
Oh, I'm feeling really queasy, Cam.
No, no, no. You'll be okay once we sit down.
I think I need to go home. Sorry.
Oh! S-- excuse me. Sorry.
No, no, no. We'll get you some ginger ale, some crackers.
Mnh-mnh. I'm -- I got to run to the restroom.
You -- you grab the car.
Well, you'll feel better after you throw up.
Okay, new plan. We're coming back early.
Is everything set up?
You said two hours. We haven't even left yet.
- Well, hurry! - Just stall.
Tell him that... Haley had a hemorrhage,
and you're her blood type,
- so you h-- - I'm not doing that, you ghoul.
Just get back to the house and --
- Gloria. - Cam, how did it go?
- Did he-- - It didn't happen. I have to go with the backup plan.
Fortunately, I had an alternate proposal scenario
in case there was a problem.
Jay and Gloria were babysitting, so I asked them to re-create
the picnic under the stars we had
the night we moved in to our first apartment.
Mitchell would take one look and...
Sob like a Tony winner.
I got the picnic basket.
But you know what is going to be hard to find?
My interest in this whole damn thing?
No, the blue-and-white tablecloth.
Here it is. It was in the occasions closet.
They keep their tools in a pillowcase,
but they have an occasions closet?
What are you guys doing here?
Oh. Cam is going to propose to Mitch,
so we're here to help him set it up.
- At is coconuts! - Oh.
Mitchell asked us to do the same thing for him.
Well, that just makes me want to stay
and see how this whole thing works out.
Oh, we can. Let's set it up and then we'll hide somewhere.
Ay, yes, in the occasion closet.
No. We do what they asked and leave.
We never had these problems.
This is what happens when they let men marry men.
That cannot be a coincidence.
Sorry about the detour.
I was just worried about the pileup on the 405.
Oh, take your time. The drive's actually soothing me.
Oh! Oh, my gosh!
- Oh! - What -- what was that?
Oh. I think it's a blown tire. It's okay.
Well, I know there's a spare. Do -- do we have the tools?
- Yeah, yeah. They're in the pillowcase in the trunk. - Right.
Why do you have to be so grouchy?
We're giving them a beautiful story.
Everybody deserves one.
I'm an idiot.
Oh, you're not an idiot. You're not as romantic as some --
These things peel off on the back,
and I've been gluing 'em.
Why do I even bother? You don't care about this stuff.
What's that supposed to mean?
Yeah, like when you proposed to me.
"Hey, Manny, hand me that thing."
That's my whole story.
Hang on. That wasn't my fault. I had something big planned.
You asked him for the ring.
I was asking for the remote. He jumped the gun.
He was supposed to give me the ring
later that night at the restaurant.
The waiter was gonna come by and offer coffee.
I was gonna say, "no, thank you. It'll keep me up,
"and lately, I've been loving my dreams,
and there's one in particular I hope comes true."
Manny gives me the ring.
I say, "Gloria --"
Yes, Jay! Yes, I marry you!
I love my new story.
Little heads-up -- there's no way I'm not crying at this wedding.
Phil, you cried on the way here.
I was on the brink already.
I watched "Dirty dancing" before we left.
Yeah.
Text from my dad.
Oh, no.
He wants me to come visit him for a couple of days,
but it's right in the middle of our kid-free week.
Oh, that's too bad. I guess you could take two days.
I may have mentioned to Frank
that Phil might be available that week.
The only thing better than a kid-free week
is a couple of days carved out just for mama.
Perfect.
Yeah.
Hey, you remember the day I oposed to you?
Of course I do.
I don't remember the exact date, but, yes.
March 19, 1994.
Oh. Yeah.
I was in such a bad mood that afternoon.
I was on day two of a St. Patrick's hangover.
I don't remember that.
I just remember how crazy in love I was.
I couldn't wait to ask you.
I even ran a red light on the way to pick you up.
I still have the ticket.
No, you don't. Why would you say something like that?
Are you kidding me? I was racing to my life.
It's in a box at my dad's with a bunch of other stuff --
the program from that concert where I met you...
...the matchbook with the fake number on it you gave me...
the souvenir goblet from our first date.
You really think I'd throw away all those beautiful memories...
...Milady?
I haven't seen that stuff for a long time.
I got to dig it out when I see my dad.
Okay, stop. Sorry.
What?
I told your dad to call you
because I wanted some time for myself.
Yeah, couple of days away from my perfect, romantic husband,
who is far too good
for this cold-hearted, bloodless wife-bot.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You have blood.
Honey, I just put the chairs in front of the fireplace.
You made it romantic.
Mitchell's right. I'm a ghoul.
Come here.
You're romantic, too, in your own funny way.
- We're just different. - Mm.
So what if I'm more sentimental?
Ugh. My mom.
I mean, sure...
Marriage needs romance.
You know what it also needs?
"Spoke to Phil, and he suggested --"
Forgiveness.
Okay. Spare, please.
Yes, doctor.
I can't believe this has happened to us so many times,
we actually have a system.
Oh, I know. You've come a long way
from the first time you ever saw a jack.
- Remember, you couldn't believe -- - I'm sorry. This is amazing.
I am lifting a car right now.
I am the strongest man in the world.
Oh, do you remember that time in Yosemite
when it was snowing so bad?
Yeah. What was that, like six years ago?
Oh, gosh. No, it was before Lily,
so it was at least seven or eight.
God, it is -- it's going by so fast.
Yeah. You're telling me.
You know, it's a different world down there
than it was 24 hours ago.
Cam, tire. Tire!
Oh, my gosh. Oh, my -- oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
It's gonna be a different world
for the people in that yellow house.
This is not at all how I saw the evening going.
Ohh.
Honey, you have no idea.
Do you remember our first apartment?
Yes. What -- what made you think of that?
I don't know.
The stars.
All right. Come on. Let's do this.
Yeah.
- Yes. - Yes.
Hey, there, you with the stars on your thighs.
Huh? It's an old song. I thought I would...
Eh, why do I bother?
- What is this? - Oh. Oh, that's from Manny.
I was hoping to wait and give it to you in a couple of days.
But, uh, just remember that he's fine.
He's only a plane ride away.
Nice.
I'm going to wash my face.
Okay.
I hope that my cousins don't take him riding the horses
or shooting the guns.
I know that he's almost a man, but...
Jay?
"Make sure you take care of Jay.
"Please call me after his checkup on Thursday.
I'll miss you guys so much."
Nice, huh?
Nice?
I'm gonna mail him his other robe.
Synced by YYeTs, corrected by gloriabg www.addic7ed.com
Traditional "first day of school" pancakes.
- Whipped-cream smile? - Dad, I'm in High School now.
Just put it in my mouth.
Okay, that's disgusting. Stop it.
Hey, save some of that bossing people around
for the office, lady.
After a 20-year vacation,
Claire is rejoining the work force.
Not a vacation.
But I am starting a job at my dad's closet company.
He's kind of grooming me to take over.
I have a background in marketing.
I'm so proud of her.
Oh, uh, speaking of marketing -- we're out of milk.
I'm actually kind of nervous.
You're gonna be great.
And remember, if you get into a jam,
just do the impression I taught you.
Hey. You can hang your clothes in me.
Christopher walk-in closet.
I'm not doing that.
Okay, relax, mom. You're working for grandpa.
It's not even a real job.
It's like that summer when I worked for dad.
He was just trying to make me feel good about myself.
He didn't really need my help.
That's not true.
I needed your help distributing all those fliers.
And I did. Wink, wink.
How are you already doing homework?
It's junior year. I have to get good grades.
Don't you know how competitive it is out there?
Stop pressuring me!
You know, this is what happens to kids
when they're not sexually active.
Don't you have some studying to do?
Please, it's community college.
They tell you to bring a glue stick.
Hello.
Yes, this is he -- him -- me.
Right the first time.
I'll be right there.
Mitchell, that was it.
That was the call. I'm going in.
Due to budget cuts, my position as middle-school music teacher
has been eliminated,
so I've been working as a high-school sub.
Ka-ching!
I never know when I'll be summoned to swoop into action.
I'm kind of like Batman.
But except for a bat-signal, I get a phone call.
Yeah, you found the one difference.
I hate to miss her first day,
but do you mind taking Lily to school?
Oh, Cam, today?
I got to prep for my meeting with Charlie.
I only get him for an hour
between his vacations in Aspen and Cabo.
Okay, you need to confront him.
And tell him his pathetic little midlife crisis
is making it impossible for you to do your job.
Because he responds so well to criticism.
No, he'll fire me, and then we'll end up
having to get married in your family's barn.
Oh, well, we need to book that soon.
Because spring is hoedown season,
and then you get right into summer stock, so...
I don't believe any of that.
All right, if I'm gonna take Lily, I need to hurry.
Lily, sweetheart, let's get you dressed.
Hey, I've been dressed for an hour.
Come on, I can't be late. I'll fall behind.
Sometimes I forget to factor in the Asian.
Synced by YYeTs, corrected by gloriabg www.addic7ed.com
Buddy, I know a new school can be scary,
so a little advice --
every time you meet someone new, pay them a compliment.
Hey.
Like, um, "I love your hair."
"Awesome kicks." "You have a beautiful smile."
Okay, dad, I'll tell that big guy over there
that he's got a beautiful smile.
Fine. Skin, cheekbones, make it your own.
Um, could you maybe not walk me all the way in?
What?
- I've got it from here. - Oh.
Sure. Yeah. Okay. Give your dad a --
Off you go. Alex!
Hey.
Ay, Manny, why are you so quiet?
Are you nervous because of your first day in High School?
Mom, after spending a summer in Colombia, I'm a changed man.
Oh, my God, what did you see?!
Nothing, but I am an international jet-setter now.
I'm sophisticated.
And you think that the girls are gonna pick up on this?
If not, I still have my "unaccompanied minor" sign.
Ay, I cannot believe
that my little baby's going to the High School.
- Mom, stop. You're embarrassing me. - Ohh.
It's my first day, too. I could use a hug.
Go!
- Hey, Gloria. - Hi, Phil.
First day of High School, huh?
Is Manny excited?
Ay, he was up at 5:00 in the morning, ironing.
Oh. Ay, but he does that, too, when he's depressed,
so now I don't know.
How was Luke?
Great. Yeah, he had a hard time saying goodbye.
But, um, anyway, I think I'm gonna go get a cup of coffee.
- Can I go with you? - Yeah.
Dude, I'm kind of working something here.
How many trucks would that take?
Uh-huh. Give me a minute, Fred.
New girl just walked in.
That's disgusting. She's my daughter.
Sweetheart, you look terrific.
Are you sure?
'Cause I have another blouse in -- in here.
It's the only thing in here, that and a pair of glasses.
In case I need to read something or look smarter.
Relax.
- It's your first day. - Mm-hmm.
Impossible to blow it. What are those?
Oh, cookies -- I made them for the office.
Huge mistake. Fred, two more seconds
I got a situation here. Put the cookies down.
- Why? - You're management.
Makes you look desperate.
Makes you look like you want everyone to like you.
I do want everyone to like me.
You want everyone to respect you.
You got to be tough. Keep your distance.
Well, maybe we are different kinds of managers.
Yeah, I'm yours. Just leave the cookies.
Look at you, my big first-grader.
All right, I want you to make so many friends
and have so much fun.
Got to go! I can't wait to learn!
- Be careful! - What?
Nothing.
Please do not be late. Let's go. Looking good.
Uh, uh, Principal Brown?
Yes. Hi. I'm Cameron Tucker.
I was called in to sub today.
Oh, yeah, you're in for Mrs. Hurley. Hello.
- Hello. - She has come down with a sudden case of rehab.
- Oh. - So do a good job
'cause this could be a permanent position.
Well, prepare to feel like an old denim vest.
Because I'm about to "be-dazzling" you.
I don't know what that means, but okay.
So, what am I teaching?
A.P. History.
Oh.
I desperately wanted that job.
There was just one problem --
I don't know much about history.
Hmm. Do you know much biology?
Not now, Mitchell.
What about your science book or the French you took?
You're lucky I love you.
And I know that if you love me, too...
â™ª What a wonderful world this would be â™ª
- I really was in a jam, though. - Yeah.
My dad thinks that he can motivate his workers
by being a cold, distant authority figure.
Well, if his style is so effective, riddle me this --
why didn't I listen to him?
Hey.
Hi. Sorry. I'm Claire.
It's my first day, so I thought I'd say hi.
- Oh. Hey.- Hi. - Amazing.
You guys are actually hanging out by the water cooler.
I have xerostomia. It's chronic dry mouth.
I'm -- I'm so sorry.
I-I-I-I was just doin' a thang, you know, like...
Anyway, um...
My door's always open... to everyone.
That's Pritchett's daughter.
Um, yeah, but I don't want you to think of me like that.
I'm -- I'm a friend. I'm a colleague.
I'm just like you.
I'm Claire, you know -- worker bee, just...
Great to meet you.
Sorry to interrupt, and see you around.
I do -- I got to do this one.
Who am I?
You can hang your clothes in me.
Christopher walk-in closet.
What is this?
Oh, sorry, folks. It's closed. We're shooting a commercial.
So annoying.
Listen, we just want to get a cup of coffee.
Actually, we're short a couple of extras.
How would you two like to be in it?
- Yes! - That sounds amazing.
Hey, um, I see a couple of old people.
This isn't one of those catheter commercials, is it?
'Cause if it gets too descriptive,
I'm gonna squirm.
I just did it to myself.
I did my best to cram for my lecture.
On the revolutionary war, but, ugh.
All those names and dates -- it's all so dry.
Where's the drama?
Good morrow!
Oh, boy.
Oh, what is all this strange garb you adorn?
Are you trappers from the Canadian provinces?
Are you here to sell your beavers?
Who are you?
The 64-pence question.
I crossed the Delaware during the revolutionary war.
I spent a brutal winter in valley forge.
Who am I?
I-I have no idea.
I-I swear I don't know who this man is.
I'm George Washington, of course.
Our syllabus says we're supposed to cover native Americans
on the Eve of colonization.
Yes. Native Americans. Indians!
A majestic, peaceful people,
who lived off the land and cried when they saw litter.
The textbook says many tribes were often at war,
with allegiances shifting all of the ti--
Shifting all the time!
So, were the Indians friends with the colonists or not?
Ah! Yes.
I know one Indian who was friends
with a construction worker, biker, and traffic cop.
Uh, do y-- nothing?
Seriously, nothing?
Okay, your parents are gonna love that joke.
Okay, Pritchett, I'm here. You got a half-hour.
I have my helicopter standing by on the roof.
Is it even built for that?
No. That's why you only have a half-hour.
Well, I'm not sure that's gonna be enough time.
We have a ton to cover.
We need to talk about new lease agreements
and the workers' comp package.
29 minutes. I think I hear creaking.
- Daddy, I'm bored. - Whoa.
Me, too.
This is why I shouldn't come into work between vacations.
Why don't you sit at Natalie's desk
and pretend to be my assistant, sweetie?
Sorry about that. My niece is coming to pick her up.
Lily had an incident at school today where she --
Hey, Pritchett, you're not some hot single mom
I'm trying to seduce,
so I don't need to hear about your kid.
Fair enough. So, lease agreements.
Okay, I'm getting some push-back on the Miami location.
Mr. Pritchett, I have a Haley here to see you.
Oh. Okay.
- Hi. - Hi, sweetheart.
I'm in the middle of a meeting with my boss,
but thank you so much for helping me out.
No problem.
My last class is a pass/fail.
And it's community college, so it's pass.
Hi. Charlie Bingham.
Wow. Look at your eyes.
Oh. I-I can't.
I like you.
What do you think of these pants?
It's part of our new collection.
It's, uh, a lot of zippers.
It's too many, right?
And they poke into my thigh when I'm in my helicopter.
'Cause I have a helicopter. It's not a big deal.
Okay, so, anyway, thank you.
You seem to know a lot about fashion.
I'd like to get your opinion on a few things.
- Sure. - Yeah?
- Yeah. - Actually, no, she -- she needs to stay and watch Lily.
Yeah, you can do that.
Hey, princess. Hey.
I love kids.
Daddy's office.
You sound like a little girl.
Hey, you wanted to see me?
Thanks for "bzzzing" by.
I hope you weren't in the middle of a "thang."
Okay, that did get a little away from me.
But to be fair, I broke the ice.
Everybody thinks you're a dummy.
Not everybody. No, as a matter of fact,
one of the guys in the break room asked me to lunch.
- Don't say Todd. - His name is Todd.
Oh, no.
You cannot go to lunch with Todd.
Why not?
You can't be associated with him.
Up until an hour ago, he was the office weirdo.
But he was nice to me,
and he helped me set up my computer.
Yeah, that's his job. For now.
What does that mean?
I'm firing him as soon as I can find an I.T. guy
who shows up on time and doesn't creep out the office.
I can't cancel on the one person who was nice to me.
You can, but you won't, 'cause you're the type of person
who brings cookies to the office.
Where are they?
Okay, we're done here.
Okay, folks, you're just having a normal conversation,
a typical day in a coffee shop, all right?
Roger that.
Here we go, guys.
And... action!
How have you been, Roy?
Ah, a little down.
Helen and I really miss the kids,
but we just can't afford to visit them right now.
- Have you considered a reverse mortgage? - What's that?
- Well, you have equity in your home, right? - Mmm, this coffee is delicious!
All right, you two in the back, we can hear you,
so just mime your conversation.
Mime -- mime -- I knew that.
I was already doing that, so just follow my lead.
Okay, sorry, sorry. We'll do it again.
But everything else is okay?
You haven't done anything else.
- So, yeah? - Back to one, guys.
Action.
How have you been, Roy?
Ah, a little down.
Helen and I really miss the kids,
but we just can't afford to visit them right now.
Have you considered a reverse mortgage?
What's that?
Well, you have equity in your home, right?
- Sure, we do. - What are they doing?
Is she answering an imaginary phone?
But you still get to live there.
Oh, that sounds too good to be true.
Don't take my word for it.
Here's Henry Winkler to tell you more.
Okay, cut.
Couple in the back.
Yep. No, I know. I know. Bigger?
The native Americans and the settlers.
Had two completely different ideas of land ownership.
Eventually, these differences would lead to war.
Oh. Look, goose bumps.
Okay, yes. Uh, class dismissed.
We did it!
Thank you so much for stepping in. Oh, and I promise,
tomorrow, I will do my best to be more prepared.
Tomorrow? Why won't Mrs. Hurley be back?
Well, I don't want to be indelicate,
but the good news is, is I might be your permanent teacher.
- I don't want you to be my permanent teacher. - Oh, what?
You'd rather have a raging alcoholic?
Listen to me.
I've worked nonstop to build the perfect academic record,
and I'm not going to let you screw it up now.
I have an P.P. test in 160 days, and I need to ace it.
Can you get me there or not?
I can rally like the brave men of the Alamo.
You do realize that all the men of the Alamo died?
They all died!
Ruthie's older, so she thinks she's the boss.
- Mm-hmm. - But for a little guy, Stu holds his own.
They can be a handful.
But, God, they make me laugh so hard, you know?
Wow. I did not know you could even tell the gender of a turtle.
Oh, yeah.
It's called "sexing the turtle," and it's an eight-step process.
Now, let's pretend your hand is a turtle.
- Okay. - What you do is you flip it over.
- Mm-hmm. - And then you have to look right into --
Oh, okay. I get it. I get it. I think I get it.
Oh. I know. I'm droning on, aren't I?
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...
- Please, stop. Please stop! - Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
You're not. You're not.
I am. But enough about my family.
Tell me about yours.
All right, well, my husband Phil's a realtor.
That's funny. I'm buying a house.
Why? When?
Actually, we have the final walk-through today,
sign the papers tomorrow.
Hmm. Th-that's a really big deal, Todd.
Yeah, and it's a bit of a stretch for us, too,
but, uh, no, the time is right.
We're just -- we're gonna do it.
"We" is you and the turtles?
No, me and my wife.
A w-- I'm sorry.
You didn't mention your wife. That's great.
I bet she's got a big, fancy, high-paying job, right?
Uh, she's getting her master's.
- In? - Latin.
Oh, Todd.
This may not be the best time to buy a house.
I hate to be the one to break this to you --
Oh. No, no, no, no, I got this.
No, you don't.
Stand by, everyone.
I really felt like I nailed that last one.
I still feel so stiff.
I don't know what to pretend saying.
You're thinking too much. Just draw from your own life.
Like, how was your day today?
Lousy. My own son didn't want to hug me.
Okay, so use that.
My character, Dr. Stephen Wilson,
is also sad because his son wouldn't take his advice.
And he wanted to be dropped off a block away from school.
He expected that from his daughters.
But thought his son would be different.
That's so sad.
But Dr. Stephen Wilson is not going to let that ruin
breakfast with his mistress.
You know, maybe it's just time for us to --
to accept that we have to let them go.
Maybe it is.
Okay, everyone, here we go. We're rolling.
And action!
How have you been, Roy?
A little down.
Helen and I really miss the kids,
but we just can't afford to visit them right now.
Have you considered a reverse mortgage?
What's that?
Uh, you have equity in your home, right?
- Sure, we do. - Please, no crying.
You're gonna make me cry, too.
Well, essentially the bank buys your house.
But you still get to live in it.
That sounds too good to be true.
Don't take my word for it.
Here's Henry Winkler to tell us more.
I don't want the Fonz to see me like this.
It's a prototype. It can withstand
the most extreme temperatures on the planet.
It's waterproof, and it wicks sweat.
It also repels women.
I know. I hate it. I'll burn it tonight!
Aah! Actually, it doesn't burn.
Anyway, if we could get back to the lease agreements here.
You're amazing. How would you fix it?
It's too boxy.
Probably have to take it in here...
- Right. - ...and here.
Yeah, I probably overdo it in the gym.
Stupid 7% body fat.
Okay, so getting back to work.
We are working. Why are we working?!
I got to go to Cabo. Hey, you want to come with me?
Oh, I've, uh, never been to Cabo.
Yeah, she's not going to Cabo 'cause she's half your age.
- How old are you? - Who cares?
Pretty soon, I'm gonna look 20.
I've been meditating in one of those pressurized eggs.
Well, if I went to Cabo,
what would the sleeping situation be?
Not much.
Okay, no, that is enough! No! No!
She is my niece!
Okay?
This pathetic midlife crisis of yours
is -- is hurting the company,
and I'm getting so sick of cleaning up your messes.
Y-you need to focus and you need to start acting your age --
your -- your real age, not your egg age.
Huh.
Normally, if someone talked to me that way, I'd fire him.
But I respect your honesty. I respect your passion.
It's like me. I'm a very passionate man.
Just focus.
You're right. You're right. You're right. You're right.
What's that creaking?
Hut! Hike!
Oh, hey, you're going the wrong way!
That's the wrong way! No!
Wait. I'm sorry. You're right.
Uh, excuse me, Principal Brown.
Yikes. You know, most subs just play a movie.
All right, do something different, guys.
Uh, listen, I-I can't be your history teacher.
Those kids work so hard, and they deserve someone
who knows the material and can inspire them, so...
If you say so.
Hey, I was wondering,
what kind of play was that you were running?
Was that supposed to be a slant?
Our freshman coach quit.
I'm just a glorified babysitter.
Well, your receiver needs to learn to run his routes,
or the quarterback's never gonna be able to hit him.
- I-I played in college. - Oh. Okay.
Hey, Tyler, you need to learn to run your routes.
What routes?
- Yeah, what routes? - Um...
Well, you're gonna line up here.
Take three steps.
One, two, three -- plant right,
open left 45 degrees up the field.
Okay, why don't we try it again?
Try it again! Tip!
Put some zip on the ball, 18!
Hut, hut, hike!
Hit him!
Better. Better. Good job. Circle back up.
All right, anyway, thank you for the opportunity.
Hey, hey, how would you like to take over this team?
Well, well, that's an interesting offer.
- How much does it pay? - Nothing.
Are you firm on that?
Yeah, but there's a gym-teacher position available.
- It's all yours if you coach. - Can I wear shorts?
Yeah, and you get a whistle, too.
Oh, I always get a whistle when I wear shorts.
I humbly accept your offer.
Huddle up, boys! Let's go! Hustle!
Do you know what hustle means, 10?!
It really wasn't bad.
Todd is a very interesting guy when you get to know him.
Did he tell you about his turtles, little Lulu and Stan?
Ruthie and Stu. That's the name he picks?
"Turtle stew"? Idiot!
Well, there was one little situation that came up,
but I think I handled it pretty well.
- He's about to make, um, kind of a big -- - Hold on.
Margaret, why can't I log in here?
What's wrong with my computer?
The whole system's down.
No one can access files. We can't get online.
Where's Todd?
We can't find him anywhere, and his Yaris is gone.
- Where are my files?! - What the hell?
I-I might know a little something about this.
What did you do?
Kind of told Todd that you were gonna fire him.
- What?! - I had to.
Dad, he's about to buy a house.
But he was fine with it.
He hugged me and thanked me
and told me that it gave him time to make a plan.
Oh.
Gentlemen, today is a new beginning.
And that can be scary.
How did it go, Mr. Jet-setter?
Good. Really good.
Do you want to talk about it?
No.
I'm gonna ask things of you that may not make sense right now.
See you tomorrow, Luke.
Not if I see you first.
There it is! There's that smile.
But they will.
- Hey, dad. - Hey, buddy.
- We're at school. - Yep.
Success is not guaranteed.
It is not handed to you.
Success is earned.
How's that data entry going?
Good. I am up to 1998.
Ah, that's when I'd already been doing the job 20 years.
So maybe I should listen to you?
Get you home a lot earlier.
Thanks, boss.
Today, we are forging a new path, people!
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself!
Wrong president.
- Just keep pushing! - Okay.
Synced by YYeTs, corrected by gloriabg www.addic7ed.com