1 00:00:05,406 --> 00:00:06,859 Shh! You'll wake Lily. 2 00:00:06,907 --> 00:00:08,852 How drunk are you? I told you three times 3 00:00:08,940 --> 00:00:10,967 - she's onthat school trip. - I'd feel more confident 4 00:00:11,055 --> 00:00:12,710 - if you weren't also whispering. - Fair point. 5 00:00:12,797 --> 00:00:14,163 Are... Are you wearing lipstick? 6 00:00:14,251 --> 00:00:16,131 - Hm? - Am I wearing nail polish? 7 00:00:17,245 --> 00:00:19,078 So, we kind of had a crazy night out. 8 00:00:19,166 --> 00:00:20,553 It started off at this little 9 00:00:20,641 --> 00:00:22,991 under-the-radar speakeasy I heard about. 10 00:00:23,108 --> 00:00:25,335 Uh, he Googled "cool bars near me." 11 00:00:25,423 --> 00:00:26,914 Anyway, we met a group of 20-somethings 12 00:00:27,001 --> 00:00:28,536 that... took a shine to us. 13 00:00:28,624 --> 00:00:31,426 They introduced us to the world of underground parties 14 00:00:31,514 --> 00:00:32,582 and $18 cocktails. 15 00:00:32,670 --> 00:00:33,835 - It was so burnt. - Lit. 16 00:00:33,923 --> 00:00:34,957 Lit. Lit. 17 00:00:35,045 --> 00:00:37,514 I don't even remember half these bars. 18 00:00:37,602 --> 00:00:39,075 Did we go to a hospital last night? 19 00:00:39,163 --> 00:00:41,076 Okay, Grandma Tucker's hangover remedy... 20 00:00:41,178 --> 00:00:43,881 Put a pat of butter underneathyour tongue, tip your head back, 21 00:00:43,969 --> 00:00:45,483 and I'll pour the hot sauce up your nose. 22 00:00:45,570 --> 00:00:46,747 Wait, wait, wait, wait. 23 00:00:46,835 --> 00:00:48,700 - That's a group text from Binker. - What? 24 00:00:48,788 --> 00:00:50,441 - Mm-hmm. - Oh, my gosh. 25 00:00:50,569 --> 00:00:52,578 The gang wants to get back together and party tonight. 26 00:00:52,665 --> 00:00:54,248 And you said we'd never hear from them 27 00:00:54,336 --> 00:00:56,543 after they saw us in that horrible Denny's lighting. 28 00:00:56,631 --> 00:00:59,538 Okay, we have to play this exactly right... 29 00:00:59,647 --> 00:01:01,108 We don't want to come off too eager, 30 00:01:01,196 --> 00:01:03,702 but we also want to let 'em knowwe're down to mob. 31 00:01:03,878 --> 00:01:05,751 - Oh, my God. - Cam, you knowour rule, 32 00:01:05,839 --> 00:01:07,241 we never go out two nights in a row. 33 00:01:07,329 --> 00:01:09,443 - Yeah, I know, but this is... - We're already pushing it 34 00:01:09,530 --> 00:01:10,941 by going to that lecture series tonight. 35 00:01:11,028 --> 00:01:12,534 What lecture series? 36 00:01:12,622 --> 00:01:14,330 Alan Greenspan'stop aide. 37 00:01:14,418 --> 00:01:16,457 We bought the season passso we'd get premium seating 38 00:01:16,544 --> 00:01:18,448 to "A Night of Sarcasmwith Fran Lebowitz." 39 00:01:18,682 --> 00:01:20,846 Oh, everyone's in. 40 00:01:20,971 --> 00:01:24,401 - Look at all those thumbs of colors. - They're so woke. 41 00:01:25,138 --> 00:01:26,752 "We're out. Catch you next time"? 42 00:01:26,840 --> 00:01:27,885 Mitchell. 43 00:01:28,093 --> 00:01:29,260 How could you? 44 00:01:29,348 --> 00:01:31,138 Storm out softly. You'll wake Lily. 45 00:01:41,794 --> 00:01:43,481 *MODERN FAMILY* Season 10 Episode 19 46 00:01:43,569 --> 00:01:45,200 *MODERN FAMILY* Episode Title: "Yes-Woman" 47 00:01:46,890 --> 00:01:49,511 Morning, honey. Don't mind all the Caltech gear. 48 00:01:49,599 --> 00:01:52,560 I figured I'd surprise Alexat school and take her to lunch. 49 00:01:52,699 --> 00:01:53,831 Surprise her? 50 00:01:53,919 --> 00:01:55,747 At the end of the semester? 51 00:01:55,849 --> 00:01:57,569 Honey, she's probablyin the middle of exams. 52 00:01:57,669 --> 00:01:59,122 She's gonna be... 53 00:01:59,567 --> 00:02:00,770 thrilled. 54 00:02:01,083 --> 00:02:02,581 Have you ever seen a video of yourself 55 00:02:02,669 --> 00:02:04,847 wearing something you didn't realize was unflattering? 56 00:02:04,935 --> 00:02:07,442 Well, that happened to me recently, and... 57 00:02:07,688 --> 00:02:09,171 it was my personality. 58 00:02:09,403 --> 00:02:12,380 For centuries, man has longed to rule the air 59 00:02:12,468 --> 00:02:14,138 like the majestic squirrel. 60 00:02:14,395 --> 00:02:16,181 The wait ends today. 61 00:02:16,268 --> 00:02:17,315 Nope. 62 00:02:17,403 --> 00:02:18,909 Uh, but what if we... 63 00:02:18,997 --> 00:02:20,425 - Doesn't matter. - Hey, Mom. 64 00:02:20,513 --> 00:02:21,751 I can pull this off, right? 65 00:02:21,924 --> 00:02:23,552 Let me. Oh. 66 00:02:25,968 --> 00:02:27,700 Ah, we're not home. 67 00:02:28,778 --> 00:02:30,739 I made a decision to be less negative. 68 00:02:30,827 --> 00:02:34,028 It's the new me, the girl who says "yes." 69 00:02:34,747 --> 00:02:36,241 Friend went to Mexico for the weekend. 70 00:02:36,329 --> 00:02:37,769 I'm finding the level. 71 00:02:38,779 --> 00:02:41,042 Crockett and Tubbs, you look snazzy. 72 00:02:41,130 --> 00:02:42,563 Thanks... I think. 73 00:02:42,651 --> 00:02:43,913 I'm trying to step up my game. 74 00:02:44,001 --> 00:02:45,421 I started seeing someone from work. 75 00:02:45,509 --> 00:02:47,483 Oh, honey. I don't know 76 00:02:47,571 --> 00:02:49,211 if I think that's such a good idea that... 77 00:02:50,992 --> 00:02:52,922 Never mind. I approve. 78 00:02:54,477 --> 00:02:55,911 I doubt my mom would approve 79 00:02:55,999 --> 00:02:57,529 if she knew the whole story. 80 00:02:58,706 --> 00:02:59,830 Pool boy. 81 00:02:59,918 --> 00:03:01,327 I need more towels. 82 00:03:01,415 --> 00:03:03,065 Right away, ma'am. 83 00:03:11,888 --> 00:03:14,581 Done. I just approved another design. 84 00:03:14,668 --> 00:03:17,022 The most luxurious dog bed yet. 85 00:03:17,110 --> 00:03:18,013 I call it... 86 00:03:18,108 --> 00:03:19,313 The Top of the Bark. 87 00:03:19,407 --> 00:03:20,876 GAh, that's nice that you can 88 00:03:20,964 --> 00:03:22,585 run your new company at home 89 00:03:22,673 --> 00:03:25,079 in clothes that you can only wear at home. 90 00:03:26,118 --> 00:03:28,291 When men get to a certain age, 91 00:03:28,378 --> 00:03:29,499 they stop trying. 92 00:03:29,587 --> 00:03:31,110 I've seen it before. 93 00:03:31,198 --> 00:03:33,311 First, it starts with the clothes, 94 00:03:33,399 --> 00:03:35,585 then the body, then the brain. 95 00:03:35,673 --> 00:03:37,428 But I can't say anything to Jay, 96 00:03:37,516 --> 00:03:39,611 because when it comes to his appearance, 97 00:03:39,821 --> 00:03:41,337 he's very sensitive. 98 00:03:42,149 --> 00:03:44,181 Mi amor, I'm back. 99 00:03:44,268 --> 00:03:45,415 Welcome home. 100 00:03:46,548 --> 00:03:47,621 You hate it, right? 101 00:03:47,708 --> 00:03:48,931 I'll shave it. It's a joke. 102 00:03:49,019 --> 00:03:50,493 Stupid! 103 00:03:51,798 --> 00:03:53,191 Good dawning, all. 104 00:03:53,462 --> 00:03:54,618 What am I looking at? 105 00:03:54,706 --> 00:03:56,806 Is the vet worried you're gonna bite yourself? 106 00:03:56,894 --> 00:03:58,501 It's a traditional Tudor collar. 107 00:03:58,610 --> 00:04:00,538 I'm pledging my school's Elizabethan Society, 108 00:04:00,626 --> 00:04:02,205 and I have to wear this as a hazing ritual. 109 00:04:02,292 --> 00:04:03,391 I don't hate it. 110 00:04:03,479 --> 00:04:04,735 I think it makes your head 111 00:04:04,823 --> 00:04:07,108 look like one of those fancy cookies. 112 00:04:07,196 --> 00:04:09,610 I also have to recite several Shakespearean monologues 113 00:04:09,698 --> 00:04:12,087 and festoon our dining hall with some bawdy bunting. 114 00:04:12,175 --> 00:04:13,532 What happened to hazing? 115 00:04:13,620 --> 00:04:15,103 It used to bemacho stuff, you know, 116 00:04:15,191 --> 00:04:18,038 like making a guy drink a shotout of your belly button or 117 00:04:18,126 --> 00:04:19,431 passing an orange around 118 00:04:19,548 --> 00:04:21,091 only using your butt cheeks. 119 00:04:21,178 --> 00:04:23,563 Look. It's one of the most selective groups on campus. 120 00:04:23,651 --> 00:04:25,118 I don't want to jinx it, 121 00:04:25,206 --> 00:04:26,595 but a week from now, I could be learning 122 00:04:26,682 --> 00:04:28,829 - the steps of the secret minuet. - Ooh. 123 00:04:28,917 --> 00:04:31,813 This is what happens whenyou eliminate campus bullying. 124 00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:34,116 Jay, what do you think? 125 00:04:34,204 --> 00:04:36,507 We'll go out for a nice lunch, 126 00:04:36,611 --> 00:04:38,304 dress up a little bit. 127 00:04:38,392 --> 00:04:39,657 This feels like an attack. 128 00:04:39,790 --> 00:04:41,451 All right, that's as gentle as I can go, 129 00:04:41,538 --> 00:04:43,282 I am Colombian, not Canadian. 130 00:04:43,370 --> 00:04:44,671 I got an e-mail from the club. 131 00:04:44,758 --> 00:04:46,759 The older players have takenover the driving range 132 00:04:46,847 --> 00:04:48,868 for bocce weekday mornings. 133 00:04:48,956 --> 00:04:51,120 So what? You can play golf later. 134 00:04:51,208 --> 00:04:52,601 No, we got a whole group... 135 00:04:52,688 --> 00:04:53,941 The Sunrise Swingers. 136 00:04:54,028 --> 00:04:55,901 We meet there at 6:00, hit a bucket. 137 00:04:56,087 --> 00:04:57,774 One of the galsis making up tank tops. 138 00:04:57,862 --> 00:05:00,610 Oh, yay. More casual clothes. 139 00:05:00,698 --> 00:05:02,313 No, I'm going down there, get the support 140 00:05:02,401 --> 00:05:03,481 of some of the other golfers. 141 00:05:03,568 --> 00:05:05,439 - Maybe I can fight this thing. - Okay, good idea, 142 00:05:05,526 --> 00:05:08,490 but don't forget that there is a dress code at the club. 143 00:05:08,578 --> 00:05:10,231 They probably already overturned it. 144 00:05:10,319 --> 00:05:11,971 Ah, the whole place went to hell 145 00:05:12,059 --> 00:05:13,552 when they stopped puttingice in the urinals. 146 00:05:13,639 --> 00:05:15,518 There's just something about destroying a thing 147 00:05:15,606 --> 00:05:16,689 while you're taking a pee 148 00:05:16,777 --> 00:05:18,791 that makes a man feel like a man. 149 00:05:21,619 --> 00:05:23,565 Oh, well, hello there. 150 00:05:23,675 --> 00:05:25,393 Uh, Dad. What are you doing here? 151 00:05:25,480 --> 00:05:26,422 Hi. 152 00:05:26,510 --> 00:05:28,151 I thought I'd take you to lunch. 153 00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:30,190 It wasn't just about lunch. 154 00:05:30,366 --> 00:05:33,158 Of my three kids, I've always felt least connected with Alex. 155 00:05:33,246 --> 00:05:35,158 And I'm afraid that the distance between us 156 00:05:35,248 --> 00:05:37,002 might grow after she graduates. 157 00:05:37,090 --> 00:05:39,604 Wow. Graduates? 158 00:05:40,186 --> 00:05:42,119 It was just, like, 10 years ago 159 00:05:42,207 --> 00:05:44,338 when she took her first college course. 160 00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:46,184 I really wish you would've called. 161 00:05:46,271 --> 00:05:48,444 I can't go to lunch today. I'm late for... 162 00:05:48,532 --> 00:05:50,846 - an event. - Is that why you're all dressed up? 163 00:05:50,934 --> 00:05:52,393 Yeah. But it's no big deal. 164 00:05:52,481 --> 00:05:54,779 B-T-dubs, have you seen your school paper? 165 00:05:54,867 --> 00:05:56,932 Apparently, your valedictorian is a chimp. 166 00:05:57,020 --> 00:05:58,790 How is that not bigger news? 167 00:05:58,878 --> 00:06:00,661 It's a fake paper, Dad. 168 00:06:00,809 --> 00:06:01,926 It's senior prank week. 169 00:06:02,014 --> 00:06:03,369 Oh. I wish I'd known that 170 00:06:03,457 --> 00:06:05,340 before I sent your mom this text. 171 00:06:05,495 --> 00:06:08,098 "It's starting. Hide the bananas." 172 00:06:11,603 --> 00:06:14,356 - Seriously?! - The Kepler Award? 173 00:06:14,444 --> 00:06:15,697 Is this where you're going, 174 00:06:15,785 --> 00:06:18,088 'cause it looks like it's a big deal? 175 00:06:18,176 --> 00:06:20,113 It's just a boring reception or finalists. 176 00:06:20,201 --> 00:06:21,824 Well, I love a good reception. 177 00:06:21,912 --> 00:06:22,887 What time are we expected? 178 00:06:22,975 --> 00:06:24,793 Oh, I don't think I'm allowed to bring guests. 179 00:06:24,881 --> 00:06:26,473 Says here, "families welcome." 180 00:06:26,561 --> 00:06:27,738 But I didn't RSVP. 181 00:06:27,826 --> 00:06:29,699 Says here, "walk-ins encouraged." 182 00:06:29,787 --> 00:06:32,043 What an informative flyer. 183 00:06:32,143 --> 00:06:34,231 Awesome. Let's do this. 184 00:06:39,178 --> 00:06:40,729 Yoga, right? 185 00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:42,400 No winners, no losers, 186 00:06:42,488 --> 00:06:43,856 no "who's best?" 187 00:06:43,957 --> 00:06:46,971 You want me to tell you that you are the only one 188 00:06:47,059 --> 00:06:48,977 that didn't need help from the teacher? 189 00:06:49,065 --> 00:06:50,231 Was I? 190 00:06:51,051 --> 00:06:53,192 - Janice. Hi. - Hi. 191 00:06:53,301 --> 00:06:55,807 This is Claire, my husband's daughter. 192 00:06:55,895 --> 00:06:56,697 - Hi. - Hi. 193 00:06:56,785 --> 00:06:58,986 So, that makes Gloria kind of like your step mother. 194 00:06:59,074 --> 00:07:00,346 Yeah, we don't do that. 195 00:07:00,434 --> 00:07:01,729 - Oh. - Um, anyways, 196 00:07:01,817 --> 00:07:03,689 how is your new boyfriend? 197 00:07:03,777 --> 00:07:05,229 Pretty great. 198 00:07:05,317 --> 00:07:07,018 I do feel a little awkward 199 00:07:07,106 --> 00:07:08,494 about the age difference, though. 200 00:07:08,582 --> 00:07:10,079 Ooh, which way are we talking? 201 00:07:10,167 --> 00:07:12,689 He's, uh, in his early 20s. 202 00:07:12,777 --> 00:07:14,517 - Oh! - Noice! 203 00:07:14,605 --> 00:07:16,041 Isn't that embarrassing? 204 00:07:16,128 --> 00:07:18,087 No. I say go for it. 205 00:07:18,175 --> 00:07:20,025 Ooh, I like this new Claire 206 00:07:20,113 --> 00:07:21,790 that says "yes" to things. 207 00:07:21,878 --> 00:07:23,978 Before, you would belike, uh... 208 00:07:24,066 --> 00:07:25,954 what is the word for grouchy? 209 00:07:26,042 --> 00:07:27,681 I don't think it matters now. 210 00:07:27,769 --> 00:07:29,517 Early 20s, huh. 211 00:07:29,605 --> 00:07:31,463 Well, you're still beating gravity at that point. 212 00:07:31,550 --> 00:07:33,517 I bet everything is right where it should be. 213 00:07:33,605 --> 00:07:35,119 - Oh, yes. - Yeah. 214 00:07:35,207 --> 00:07:37,339 Check out this selfie he sent 215 00:07:37,427 --> 00:07:38,574 of his abs. 216 00:07:38,662 --> 00:07:40,225 Damn! 217 00:07:40,399 --> 00:07:41,378 Mm. 218 00:07:41,466 --> 00:07:42,587 It's so nice to be with 219 00:07:42,675 --> 00:07:44,230 someone who takes care of himself, 220 00:07:44,318 --> 00:07:45,957 not like the guys my age. 221 00:07:46,045 --> 00:07:47,178 Tell me about it. 222 00:07:47,266 --> 00:07:48,869 Jay's starting to give up a little bit. 223 00:07:48,975 --> 00:07:50,504 You know, in the way that he's dressing. 224 00:07:50,591 --> 00:07:52,105 Mm. Why don't you bring 225 00:07:52,227 --> 00:07:54,410 your guy by the house to remind Jay 226 00:07:54,498 --> 00:07:57,411 that women like a man that make a little effort. 227 00:07:57,499 --> 00:07:59,410 Um, well, we're freelater today, if that works. 228 00:07:59,498 --> 00:08:01,996 Perfect. And, Claire, you come, too, so that you help me 229 00:08:02,084 --> 00:08:04,238 nudge Jay in the right direction. 230 00:08:04,326 --> 00:08:05,832 Well, I wouldn't want my first "no" 231 00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:08,589 - to be to my step mother. - I said we're not doing that. 232 00:08:10,677 --> 00:08:12,097 Cam, hurry! 233 00:08:12,185 --> 00:08:13,247 If we get there early enough, 234 00:08:13,334 --> 00:08:15,028 we get to submit a question about Greenspan. 235 00:08:15,115 --> 00:08:16,582 I got a doozy about stag-flation. 236 00:08:16,670 --> 00:08:18,173 - Just hear me out. - You... 237 00:08:18,261 --> 00:08:20,730 - We decided... - No, you decided. 238 00:08:20,818 --> 00:08:22,379 And, Mitchell, we had so much fun last night. 239 00:08:22,466 --> 00:08:24,121 Lily's gone for one more night. 240 00:08:24,209 --> 00:08:26,839 Let's go out! Come on. Have some fun. 241 00:08:26,927 --> 00:08:28,457 And break our two-night-in-a-row rule? 242 00:08:28,545 --> 00:08:30,458 No, no. I don't think so. 243 00:08:30,546 --> 00:08:32,179 Okay, you slept two hours last night. 244 00:08:32,267 --> 00:08:33,965 You know you hit a wall when you get over tired. 245 00:08:34,052 --> 00:08:36,535 It's very intense. You know what I think this is? 246 00:08:36,584 --> 00:08:38,113 I think you're worried that you can't keep up 247 00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:39,730 - with me and my youthful spirit. - Mm. 248 00:08:39,818 --> 00:08:41,847 The other day, you called a refrigerator an icebox. 249 00:08:41,935 --> 00:08:43,619 That's not old, that's country cute. 250 00:08:43,707 --> 00:08:45,892 Okay. Let's face it. You were born 50, 251 00:08:45,980 --> 00:08:48,949 and I've always been young at heart. 252 00:08:49,037 --> 00:08:51,102 And you know what? Maybe that's what attracted you 253 00:08:51,190 --> 00:08:53,863 to me in the first place... My boyish charm. 254 00:08:53,951 --> 00:08:56,886 And you were an older, seasoned man who came and... 255 00:08:57,468 --> 00:09:00,042 seduced me, Mr. Robinson. 256 00:09:00,130 --> 00:09:02,249 Okay, yeah, that's a youthful reference. 257 00:09:02,337 --> 00:09:04,106 You should trot that out with your new friends. 258 00:09:04,193 --> 00:09:05,506 Cam, this is so you, okay? 259 00:09:05,594 --> 00:09:06,937 You're running yourself ragged 260 00:09:07,025 --> 00:09:08,199 trying to remain young. 261 00:09:08,287 --> 00:09:10,500 I mean, there's nothing wrong with accepting the fact 262 00:09:10,588 --> 00:09:11,682 that you're getting a little older. 263 00:09:11,769 --> 00:09:13,642 Unless you're admitting it too soon. 264 00:09:13,730 --> 00:09:15,488 You don't want to look upone day and think, 265 00:09:15,576 --> 00:09:17,058 "Oh, what did I forget to do? 266 00:09:17,146 --> 00:09:18,941 Oh, yeah. Live." 267 00:09:19,177 --> 00:09:20,878 Well, you know what? If you need me, 268 00:09:20,966 --> 00:09:23,605 I'm gonna be pre-gaming in Binker's loft in... 269 00:09:23,693 --> 00:09:25,574 an abandoned cannery 270 00:09:25,704 --> 00:09:27,447 in the old pickle district. 271 00:09:27,597 --> 00:09:29,144 - Sounds drafty. - Yeah. 272 00:09:30,887 --> 00:09:32,386 Nice roll. 273 00:09:32,474 --> 00:09:34,769 The bocce situation was worse than I feared. 274 00:09:34,887 --> 00:09:36,128 I had to get the range back 275 00:09:36,216 --> 00:09:38,402 in the hands of the Sunrise Swingers. 276 00:09:38,892 --> 00:09:41,321 Listen, I, uh, got to be discreet. 277 00:09:41,409 --> 00:09:43,542 Uh, I'm sort of behind enemy lines here. 278 00:09:43,661 --> 00:09:45,574 But, uh, if I'm not mistaken, 279 00:09:45,832 --> 00:09:47,339 you're a fellow, uh, 280 00:09:47,598 --> 00:09:48,901 - "swinger." - Excuse me? 281 00:09:48,989 --> 00:09:51,230 No, no, it's okay. I'm cool. It's just that I, uh... 282 00:09:51,496 --> 00:09:53,020 I'm trying to get something started here. 283 00:09:53,107 --> 00:09:55,691 I mean, uh, of course we have to meet in secrecy, 284 00:09:55,779 --> 00:09:57,382 but I don't mind hosting at my house. 285 00:09:57,470 --> 00:09:59,653 - Are you actually suggesting... - Lady, wake up. 286 00:09:59,741 --> 00:10:01,614 Our way of life is under attack. 287 00:10:01,702 --> 00:10:03,159 Pretty soon, there won't be enough of us 288 00:10:03,246 --> 00:10:04,238 for a decent foursome. 289 00:10:04,326 --> 00:10:05,300 I have to go. 290 00:10:05,388 --> 00:10:06,781 Okay. Well, just think about it. 291 00:10:06,869 --> 00:10:08,912 - That's all. Just think about it. - Okay. 292 00:10:09,109 --> 00:10:10,902 - Worth a shot, huh? - What? 293 00:10:11,082 --> 00:10:12,527 No, that's not what I meant. 294 00:10:12,615 --> 00:10:14,511 Oh, that's what you bocceplayers are about, huh? 295 00:10:14,599 --> 00:10:16,636 You find something nice, and you ruin it. 296 00:10:19,537 --> 00:10:20,785 That's Dr. Stieglitz. 297 00:10:20,873 --> 00:10:22,738 He makes the final decision on the award. 298 00:10:22,856 --> 00:10:25,535 He's brilliant and scary and impossible to impress. 299 00:10:25,623 --> 00:10:26,958 Hey, I know this is your dad talking, 300 00:10:27,045 --> 00:10:28,644 but you're pretty brilliant and scary 301 00:10:28,763 --> 00:10:30,207 and impossible yourself. 302 00:10:31,538 --> 00:10:33,191 Okay. I've made an appearance. 303 00:10:33,279 --> 00:10:35,542 I think we can go. Come on, now, Alex. 304 00:10:35,630 --> 00:10:36,775 This is a party in your honor, 305 00:10:36,862 --> 00:10:38,751 and you're here withyour own personal cheerleader. 306 00:10:38,838 --> 00:10:40,064 - Dad, I just... - I know how to pump up 307 00:10:40,151 --> 00:10:42,602 an academic crowd. I had to cheerfor the debate team once. 308 00:10:42,704 --> 00:10:45,766 "Be persuasive, B-E persuasive." 309 00:10:47,047 --> 00:10:49,157 - "B-E P-E-R-S..." - That's enough. 310 00:10:49,642 --> 00:10:52,274 "Damn. Might as well ask Schrodinger's cat." 311 00:10:55,225 --> 00:10:56,375 Pets. 312 00:10:56,463 --> 00:10:59,063 I once had a macaw that could use a remote control. 313 00:10:59,151 --> 00:11:01,282 Watched a lot of cable. You'd think, uh... 314 00:11:01,370 --> 00:11:03,893 You'd think Animal Planet, but it was mostly Cinemax.Ah. 315 00:11:04,023 --> 00:11:05,329 I'm Alex's dad. 316 00:11:05,634 --> 00:11:07,180 Alex, get in here. 317 00:11:07,298 --> 00:11:10,561 Actually, I was referring to a thought experiment 318 00:11:10,829 --> 00:11:13,501 concerning a paradox in quantum mechanics. 319 00:11:14,375 --> 00:11:16,938 Yes, quite, quite. 320 00:11:18,078 --> 00:11:20,352 Where are you all from originally? 321 00:11:20,845 --> 00:11:22,368 It was so embarrassing. 322 00:11:22,618 --> 00:11:24,665 Professor Stieglitz is a genius. 323 00:11:24,753 --> 00:11:27,016 He doesn't fall for people who pretend to understand him 324 00:11:27,104 --> 00:11:28,821 by saying things like "Quite, quite," 325 00:11:28,909 --> 00:11:30,962 or, "Indeed," or... 326 00:11:31,050 --> 00:11:33,110 Touché, my good man! 327 00:11:33,527 --> 00:11:35,665 But seriously, I-I have a science question 328 00:11:35,753 --> 00:11:38,032 - I've always wondered about. - Uh, maybekeep wondering. 329 00:11:38,238 --> 00:11:41,782 Would there be a safe amount of helium you could give a baby 330 00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:44,042 that would lift it off the ground? 331 00:11:44,168 --> 00:11:45,040 What? 332 00:11:45,128 --> 00:11:47,337 Oh. I don't want it to float away. 333 00:11:47,425 --> 00:11:49,298 I-I just want it to have fun. 334 00:11:52,345 --> 00:11:53,673 Can we... 335 00:11:55,622 --> 00:11:56,946 Could you do me a favor? 336 00:11:57,052 --> 00:11:59,196 I'm having a package delivered to my dorm room, 337 00:11:59,284 --> 00:12:00,799 and someone needs to be thereto sign for it. 338 00:12:00,886 --> 00:12:01,929 Can't your roommate do it? 339 00:12:02,017 --> 00:12:03,743 No. She got deported. 340 00:12:03,831 --> 00:12:05,204 I thought she was from Arkansas. 341 00:12:05,292 --> 00:12:07,295 Yeah, but her parents were... 342 00:12:07,484 --> 00:12:08,397 traitors. 343 00:12:08,485 --> 00:12:10,235 - Beth and Allen? - Don't feel bad. 344 00:12:10,327 --> 00:12:11,524 We all fell for it. 345 00:12:11,612 --> 00:12:13,575 So you want me to go back to your dorm room 346 00:12:13,663 --> 00:12:15,486 and sit and wait for a package? 347 00:12:15,574 --> 00:12:16,891 Yes. 348 00:12:17,553 --> 00:12:20,563 Oh, sh-shoot, honey. I... 349 00:12:21,499 --> 00:12:25,079 I have a delivery coming back to the house, too, so... 350 00:12:25,562 --> 00:12:26,655 I should run. 351 00:12:27,023 --> 00:12:29,735 - Well, if you have to. - Yeah. I'm so sorry. 352 00:12:30,054 --> 00:12:33,064 But, hey, good luck, okay? 353 00:12:33,791 --> 00:12:35,271 Bye, Dad. 354 00:12:39,347 --> 00:12:41,243 Uh, did I seem a little... 355 00:12:41,331 --> 00:12:43,860 Zero Kelvin? Cold. Yeah. 356 00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:45,095 So you think I was... 357 00:12:45,183 --> 00:12:46,667 Like the sum of a groupof numbers divided by 358 00:12:46,754 --> 00:12:49,274 the numberof those numbers? Mean. 359 00:12:49,519 --> 00:12:51,977 This is why no one wants to code with you, Tina. 360 00:13:01,709 --> 00:13:04,421 Hey. How in the world did you find me? 361 00:13:04,797 --> 00:13:07,288 You know that app you can puton kids' phones to track them? 362 00:13:07,376 --> 00:13:09,859 You put one on my phone after I surprised you today? 363 00:13:10,003 --> 00:13:12,327 Don't make me feel worse than I already do. 364 00:13:13,187 --> 00:13:14,940 Wait a minute. You won?! 365 00:13:15,046 --> 00:13:16,827 Congratulations! 366 00:13:16,915 --> 00:13:19,310 Please don't be happy for me. I can't take it. 367 00:13:19,398 --> 00:13:20,900 I was such a jerk to you. 368 00:13:21,101 --> 00:13:24,340 No, honey, I get it. I, uh... 369 00:13:24,427 --> 00:13:26,210 I know I can be embarrassing. I... 370 00:13:26,374 --> 00:13:28,082 I just get nervous around smart people. 371 00:13:28,170 --> 00:13:29,734 Sometimes even you. 372 00:13:30,345 --> 00:13:31,966 The first time I ever said "quite, quite" 373 00:13:32,054 --> 00:13:33,514 was when you were 6 years old and you just told me 374 00:13:33,601 --> 00:13:35,452 about how plants make carbon dioxide. 375 00:13:35,540 --> 00:13:37,288 This may surprise you, but... 376 00:13:38,023 --> 00:13:39,610 sometimes I wishl was more like you, 377 00:13:40,054 --> 00:13:42,812 the way you're always able to enjoy life. 378 00:13:43,281 --> 00:13:45,466 Believe it or not, I felt the same way about my dad. 379 00:13:45,577 --> 00:13:47,400 I'm a... I'm a pessimist compared to him. 380 00:13:47,487 --> 00:13:49,599 And his dad actually suffered 381 00:13:49,687 --> 00:13:51,500 from a smile-induced hernia. 382 00:13:52,249 --> 00:13:53,280 It's prank week, 383 00:13:53,367 --> 00:13:56,124 and I spent the whole time in the library. 384 00:13:56,627 --> 00:13:58,045 Sometimes I feel like I just went through 385 00:13:58,132 --> 00:13:59,850 the four best years of my life, 386 00:14:00,054 --> 00:14:02,070 only I forgot to make them 387 00:14:02,187 --> 00:14:04,210 the four best years of my life. 388 00:14:04,543 --> 00:14:06,195 Well, college isn't over. 389 00:14:07,373 --> 00:14:08,708 And I just may be able to help you 390 00:14:08,796 --> 00:14:10,242 make up for a little lost time. 391 00:14:10,330 --> 00:14:12,169 Hot Wing Trivia's about to start. 392 00:14:12,257 --> 00:14:14,202 I have you guys registered as "The Dunphys"? 393 00:14:14,297 --> 00:14:15,452 How did you...? 394 00:14:15,570 --> 00:14:16,812 You knew I was coming? 395 00:14:16,900 --> 00:14:19,851 Let's not forget where you learned about that tracking app. 396 00:14:20,579 --> 00:14:22,913 And there's one tiny change. 397 00:14:23,072 --> 00:14:25,695 We're actually the MacDunphys. 398 00:14:28,267 --> 00:14:31,410 Only my dad would think that a trivia game... 399 00:14:31,497 --> 00:14:33,537 The Triangle Shirtwaist Fire. 400 00:14:34,304 --> 00:14:36,421 ...where you balance hats on your head, 401 00:14:36,733 --> 00:14:38,005 drink beer as a reward... 402 00:14:38,093 --> 00:14:39,796 Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. 403 00:14:39,898 --> 00:14:42,381 ...and eat hot wings as a punishment... 404 00:14:42,506 --> 00:14:44,569 Millard Fillmore! 405 00:14:45,976 --> 00:14:49,273 ...needed that one last twist of a Scottish accent. 406 00:14:49,361 --> 00:14:52,630 Dopey, Sneezy... 407 00:14:52,718 --> 00:14:54,860 and Grumpy? 408 00:14:54,947 --> 00:14:57,906 Yeah! 409 00:14:58,163 --> 00:14:59,923 Whoever said the most important thing in life 410 00:15:00,046 --> 00:15:01,452 is winning awards... 411 00:15:04,527 --> 00:15:06,140 ...wasn't all wrong. 412 00:15:10,734 --> 00:15:13,763 I still remember the day Mr. Greenspan 413 00:15:13,851 --> 00:15:16,835 coined the term "irrational exuberance." 414 00:15:16,929 --> 00:15:19,280 He had taken a longer than usual tub 415 00:15:19,452 --> 00:15:21,720 and, as he sat in the soapy water... 416 00:15:21,807 --> 00:15:23,577 I had made a mistake. 417 00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:25,218 Cam was off on an adventure 418 00:15:25,306 --> 00:15:27,367 while I sat there dying of boredom, 419 00:15:27,457 --> 00:15:31,070 surrounded by people dying of natural causes. 420 00:15:31,718 --> 00:15:33,429 I'm gonna keep the bounce going, okay? 421 00:15:33,517 --> 00:15:34,850 - Keep the bounce going. - Yeah, you know, it's a little more 422 00:15:34,937 --> 00:15:36,694 - sass in the neck, because... - Oh, my gosh! 423 00:15:36,781 --> 00:15:38,156 Mitchell, what are you doing here? 424 00:15:38,244 --> 00:15:40,413 - What about the lecture? - Well, uh, it was deadly. 425 00:15:40,501 --> 00:15:42,023 Yeah, I'm getting old before my time. 426 00:15:42,111 --> 00:15:43,858 Please take me with you! Make me young again! 427 00:15:43,945 --> 00:15:46,015 Oh, my gosh, we're so happy you're here. 428 00:15:46,103 --> 00:15:47,446 Really? Yeah, of course. 429 00:15:47,534 --> 00:15:50,663 - No "I told you so"? - No. That's nothow my generation does it. 430 00:15:50,751 --> 00:15:52,593 Well, check you out, still going strong. 431 00:15:52,696 --> 00:15:55,090 Yeah, you know what? I think I'm just feeding off the energy, 432 00:15:55,177 --> 00:15:56,453 because I haven't felt this awake in... 433 00:15:56,540 --> 00:15:57,553 - Hold on just a second. - Hm? 434 00:15:57,640 --> 00:15:59,546 Yo, blue guy! Hey, blue shirt! 435 00:15:59,679 --> 00:16:00,970 What's up, bro? Hey! 436 00:16:01,057 --> 00:16:02,414 You looking at me? What do you want to do? 437 00:16:02,501 --> 00:16:04,157 You want to dance? Why is he staring at me? 438 00:16:04,244 --> 00:16:06,757 You know, you know, I don't think he was looking at you. 439 00:16:06,845 --> 00:16:08,279 It seems like he's looking at me. What's... 440 00:16:08,366 --> 00:16:09,593 Are you getting a little tired? 441 00:16:09,681 --> 00:16:11,127 Oh, please. Can a tired guy do this? 442 00:16:11,215 --> 00:16:13,528 Da! Hey, I love these guys! Whoa. 443 00:16:13,616 --> 00:16:16,439 Oh, did you know Daryl... Daryl's mom was the runner-up 444 00:16:16,527 --> 00:16:18,140 in the Miss Illinois pageant 445 00:16:18,228 --> 00:16:20,452 in 1990?! 446 00:16:20,540 --> 00:16:22,632 ♪ The year I graduated ♪ 447 00:16:22,737 --> 00:16:24,080 ♪ Daryl's mom was hot ♪ 448 00:16:24,175 --> 00:16:25,924 - Ow! - Fantastic. 449 00:16:26,012 --> 00:16:28,010 Cam, I think you might be hitting that wall. 450 00:16:28,098 --> 00:16:29,596 No, no, no, I'm fine. I would... 451 00:16:29,684 --> 00:16:31,401 What's this clown staring at? Hey! 452 00:16:31,527 --> 00:16:33,310 No, no, no, no, no, don't point at me. 453 00:16:33,398 --> 00:16:34,619 I'll rip your finger off 454 00:16:34,707 --> 00:16:36,167 and feed it to your red-headed girlfriend! 455 00:16:36,254 --> 00:16:37,549 Okay, that is a mirror. Huh? 456 00:16:37,637 --> 00:16:39,846 And I knew this sweater made me look busty. 457 00:16:39,934 --> 00:16:42,018 Okay, w-w-why is my hand shaking? 458 00:16:42,106 --> 00:16:43,472 Did somebody put something in my drink? 459 00:16:43,559 --> 00:16:47,057 Hey! Did one of you Ritalin-addicted millennial 460 00:16:47,145 --> 00:16:50,058 scooter jockeys dose me? Huh? 461 00:16:50,246 --> 00:16:52,469 What, you think you can take this tree down, do you? 462 00:16:52,579 --> 00:16:54,792 Well, guess what! I'm a redwood! 463 00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:56,933 That's right, I was here before you were born, 464 00:16:57,021 --> 00:16:58,370 and I'll be here after you're gone! 465 00:16:58,457 --> 00:16:59,400 - Okay, okay. - Yeah! 466 00:16:59,488 --> 00:17:01,244 He gets like this. He just needs a nap. 467 00:17:01,332 --> 00:17:02,549 - Nap time. - Okay. 468 00:17:02,637 --> 00:17:03,863 - Nap. Let's go. - No, I don't want to go, though! 469 00:17:03,950 --> 00:17:05,159 - I like my new friends! - Yeah, I know. 470 00:17:05,246 --> 00:17:06,932 Do you guys like me? 'Cause I like you! 471 00:17:07,020 --> 00:17:08,243 - Yeah. - I want to stay! Hey! 472 00:17:08,331 --> 00:17:09,573 And I'm really sorry about everything. 473 00:17:09,660 --> 00:17:10,925 - You got to let him go. - No, I'm sorry. 474 00:17:11,012 --> 00:17:12,097 You got to let him go. It's okay. 475 00:17:12,184 --> 00:17:12,916 - Thank you. - I'm so sorry. 476 00:17:13,004 --> 00:17:13,744 - Bye-bye. - I didn't know 477 00:17:13,832 --> 00:17:15,260 - you weren't staring at me. - Shh. 478 00:17:15,348 --> 00:17:17,658 - It's okay. - No, I don't want to go. 479 00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:21,713 I nailed my monologues for the Elizabethan Society. 480 00:17:21,801 --> 00:17:23,934 Methinks you're looking at a brand-new Lizzie. 481 00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:24,993 So it is "methinks." 482 00:17:25,081 --> 00:17:26,470 So, why does Jay correct me 483 00:17:26,558 --> 00:17:28,208 every time I say that? 484 00:17:29,543 --> 00:17:33,049 Jay, we have company! Do not hide in the bedroom. 485 00:17:35,078 --> 00:17:36,018 - Hello. - Hi. 486 00:17:36,106 --> 00:17:37,502 Thank you for coming. 487 00:17:37,590 --> 00:17:40,065 Where's the boyfriend? He's just parking. 488 00:17:40,153 --> 00:17:43,362 And, you know, we realized something on the way over, 489 00:17:43,450 --> 00:17:44,847 and it's a little awkward. 490 00:17:45,144 --> 00:17:46,887 Those are my hors d'oeuvres. I'll be back. 491 00:17:46,975 --> 00:17:48,894 - Make yourself a drink. - Okay. 492 00:17:50,283 --> 00:17:51,613 Hey, hot stuff. 493 00:17:51,769 --> 00:17:53,812 Are you sure this isn't a little weird? 494 00:17:53,900 --> 00:17:56,808 Well, I wasn't expecting the couple we'd be helping out 495 00:17:56,896 --> 00:17:59,097 to be my grandpa and his wife, but... 496 00:17:59,225 --> 00:18:00,764 our relationship was gonna be out 497 00:18:00,852 --> 00:18:02,020 - in the open eventually. - Yeah. 498 00:18:02,107 --> 00:18:04,050 I kind of bragged about itto everyone I know. 499 00:18:04,138 --> 00:18:05,871 Oh, you're so sweet. 500 00:18:06,957 --> 00:18:08,183 My daughter. 501 00:18:08,283 --> 00:18:11,191 She wants to have friends over. I said no parties. 502 00:18:11,294 --> 00:18:12,604 Hey, you relax. 503 00:18:14,634 --> 00:18:17,691 Denise, your mother and I deserve one night off. 504 00:18:19,579 --> 00:18:20,527 Oh! 505 00:18:20,649 --> 00:18:21,972 The lady from the club! 506 00:18:22,060 --> 00:18:23,882 Either she didn't know I was Gloria's husband 507 00:18:23,970 --> 00:18:25,623 and things were about to get very awkward, 508 00:18:25,875 --> 00:18:28,269 or she did know and she was here to follow up 509 00:18:28,357 --> 00:18:30,280 on my accidental proposition. 510 00:18:30,520 --> 00:18:32,058 God, I hate company! 511 00:18:33,415 --> 00:18:34,964 Hey, hot stuff. 512 00:18:35,120 --> 00:18:36,303 Where's your boy toy? 513 00:18:36,391 --> 00:18:38,425 Oh, he's making a phone call. 514 00:18:38,520 --> 00:18:39,519 Got to say, though, 515 00:18:39,607 --> 00:18:42,300 I feel kind of awkward because, turns out, 516 00:18:42,388 --> 00:18:44,441 - he's related to Gloria. - What? 517 00:18:44,963 --> 00:18:47,793 My daughter. I have to handle this. Sorry. 518 00:18:48,973 --> 00:18:50,707 Claire, I have big news. 519 00:18:50,831 --> 00:18:52,901 Oh, God. If it's what I think it is, 520 00:18:52,989 --> 00:18:55,032 I don't know if that's a good idea. 521 00:18:55,120 --> 00:18:56,253 I know. People will say 522 00:18:56,341 --> 00:18:58,082 I've taken my love of old things too far. 523 00:18:58,170 --> 00:18:59,473 - Mm-hmm. - But I'm happy. 524 00:18:59,671 --> 00:19:02,496 And not to brag, butl'm the first Latinoto get in there. 525 00:19:02,592 --> 00:19:05,560 Oh, boy. I feel sort of responsible for this. 526 00:19:05,648 --> 00:19:08,051 Um, I think it has a little moreto do with my performance. 527 00:19:08,202 --> 00:19:09,325 I distinguished myself 528 00:19:09,413 --> 00:19:11,416 when I did literally all the girl parts. 529 00:19:11,526 --> 00:19:14,832 I need to go splash some water on my face. 530 00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:15,936 Wait a minute. 531 00:19:16,024 --> 00:19:17,261 Have you been doing sit-ups? 532 00:19:17,349 --> 00:19:18,522 Oh, every night for stamina. 533 00:19:18,610 --> 00:19:20,349 I would not have been able to perform without it. 534 00:19:20,436 --> 00:19:22,230 I even threw in some tongue exercises 535 00:19:22,318 --> 00:19:23,894 because my "Shrew" was taking forever. 536 00:19:25,293 --> 00:19:26,316 Oh, God. 537 00:19:26,404 --> 00:19:27,868 Dad, what are you hiding from? 538 00:19:27,956 --> 00:19:29,613 You'll know after I tell you 539 00:19:29,701 --> 00:19:31,371 what I said to that woman from the club. 540 00:19:31,648 --> 00:19:33,050 What is she doing here? 541 00:19:33,138 --> 00:19:34,799 She's trying to get you out of those clothes. 542 00:19:34,886 --> 00:19:36,238 - You know? - Yes! 543 00:19:36,326 --> 00:19:37,707 We talked about it at yoga. 544 00:19:37,795 --> 00:19:38,816 It was Gloria's idea. 545 00:19:38,908 --> 00:19:40,535 I just came along to grease the wheels. 546 00:19:40,623 --> 00:19:42,707 What?! I was almost considering it 547 00:19:42,795 --> 00:19:43,928 until you added that part. 548 00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:45,519 I gotta splash water on my face. 549 00:19:47,197 --> 00:19:48,910 This place is dead. Want to bounce? 550 00:19:48,998 --> 00:19:50,425 No, we don't have to be around 551 00:19:50,513 --> 00:19:52,347 a big group of people to have fun. 552 00:19:53,331 --> 00:19:55,182 Luke, no! 553 00:19:55,270 --> 00:19:57,013 She has a boyfriend. 554 00:19:57,101 --> 00:19:58,402 Yeah, me. 555 00:19:58,490 --> 00:20:01,103 No, it's some young guy from the club... 556 00:20:01,242 --> 00:20:02,582 Oh, boy. 557 00:20:04,154 --> 00:20:06,507 Gloria, do you know 558 00:20:06,595 --> 00:20:08,472 what's going on with Manny? 559 00:20:08,957 --> 00:20:11,800 Uh, do you think that he can keep that a secret? 560 00:20:11,888 --> 00:20:14,761 They have to wear all kind of weird outfits 561 00:20:14,849 --> 00:20:16,324 every time they do it. 562 00:20:16,604 --> 00:20:18,384 Hey, Ma. 563 00:20:19,216 --> 00:20:21,816 Luke... Luke, get your hands off Manny's girlfriend. 564 00:20:21,904 --> 00:20:23,603 - That's not my girlfriend. - What? 565 00:20:23,691 --> 00:20:25,254 Then what were we just talking about? 566 00:20:25,342 --> 00:20:27,746 The Elizabethan Society. M-My first meeting's tonight. 567 00:20:27,834 --> 00:20:30,246 I'm so confused. It's plain as day. 568 00:20:31,263 --> 00:20:33,386 This woman is here to swing with me. 569 00:20:33,544 --> 00:20:35,587 That's it. That's where I draw the line. 570 00:20:35,675 --> 00:20:37,535 How did this happen? 571 00:20:37,623 --> 00:20:38,894 I'll tell you how this happened. 572 00:20:38,982 --> 00:20:41,115 Because nobody was willing to say 573 00:20:41,203 --> 00:20:42,910 what needs to be said. 574 00:20:43,363 --> 00:20:46,082 No. No. No. 575 00:20:46,170 --> 00:20:47,649 And hell no. 576 00:20:53,502 --> 00:20:55,876 It's how you feel about the B-minus, Denise, 577 00:20:55,964 --> 00:20:57,626 not how your mother and I feel about it. 578 00:20:57,735 --> 00:21:00,430 No, I'm not saying no to the Amsterdam trip. 579 00:21:00,626 --> 00:21:02,702 Yeah, it sounds like a fun summer, 580 00:21:02,790 --> 00:21:05,665 but how is that gonna look on a college application? 581 00:21:06,468 --> 00:21:07,971 We'll talk about it later. 582 00:21:08,329 --> 00:21:10,110 Of course I'm proud of you. 583 00:21:11,030 --> 00:21:12,163 Hey, Mom. 584 00:21:12,251 --> 00:21:13,627 Hey, Luke. Honey, would you mind getting me 585 00:21:13,714 --> 00:21:15,219 that salad bowl off the top shelf? 586 00:21:15,307 --> 00:21:16,350 Yep. 587 00:21:16,438 --> 00:21:17,842 I know I'm the only one, 588 00:21:17,930 --> 00:21:19,940 but it is my favorite. 589 00:21:20,132 --> 00:21:22,540 Don't apologize, Mom. You know what you like. 590 00:21:23,090 --> 00:21:24,585 Never mind. I'm good. 591 00:21:24,673 --> 00:21:26,438 Sync corrections by srjanapala