1 00:00:03,523 --> 00:00:04,623 I'm beat. 2 00:00:04,674 --> 00:00:05,759 Can you turn off the light? 3 00:00:05,845 --> 00:00:07,675 Yeah, just give me a second. 4 00:00:07,972 --> 00:00:11,097 5... 4... 3... 5 00:00:11,355 --> 00:00:13,172 2... 1. 6 00:00:13,344 --> 00:00:15,004 You missed our anniversary. 7 00:00:25,043 --> 00:00:26,824 *MODERN FAMILY* Season 10 Episode 18 8 00:00:26,910 --> 00:00:28,489 *MODERN FAMILY* Episode Title: "Stand By Your Man" 9 00:00:37,167 --> 00:00:38,358 Wow, that's pretty good. 10 00:00:39,596 --> 00:00:40,639 Uh-oh. 11 00:00:40,808 --> 00:00:42,183 Oh, no. 12 00:00:42,269 --> 00:00:44,347 Oh. Ohh. 13 00:00:47,661 --> 00:00:48,882 Ohh! 14 00:00:52,314 --> 00:00:53,632 Oh. 15 00:01:01,999 --> 00:01:04,514 Honey, the deli warned you about those peppers. 16 00:01:04,599 --> 00:01:06,171 I thought they were exaggerating. 17 00:01:06,429 --> 00:01:07,434 Wow. 18 00:01:07,527 --> 00:01:09,382 Maybe they do have the world's best pastrami. 19 00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:11,424 That's a lot of food. Who's coming? 20 00:01:11,509 --> 00:01:12,859 Luke, Dylan, and Bill. 21 00:01:12,945 --> 00:01:15,393 Gotta keep my posse in meat while we watch two top fighters 22 00:01:15,479 --> 00:01:17,424 battling in the pay-per-view event of the century. 23 00:01:17,509 --> 00:01:20,234 That is so unlike you to watch Ultimate Fighting. 24 00:01:20,319 --> 00:01:21,696 That's insane. I love a good battle. 25 00:01:21,781 --> 00:01:22,981 Boxing, MMA... 26 00:01:23,067 --> 00:01:24,904 Lip Sync. Which get brutal. 27 00:01:25,052 --> 00:01:26,364 I want to be a role model 28 00:01:26,449 --> 00:01:28,372 to this family's next generation of men. 29 00:01:28,458 --> 00:01:30,983 So, I'm hosting a fight night 30 00:01:31,069 --> 00:01:33,786 with, uh, Luke, Dylan, and Alex's boyfriend, Bill, 31 00:01:33,872 --> 00:01:35,122 where I will begin the process 32 00:01:35,208 --> 00:01:38,060 of inspiring them and imparting wisdom. 33 00:01:38,333 --> 00:01:39,623 I figure they have to listen to me. 34 00:01:39,708 --> 00:01:41,284 I pay for Luke's gas, and the other two 35 00:01:41,369 --> 00:01:43,419 do unspeakable things to my daughters. 36 00:01:43,569 --> 00:01:45,884 So, who's the top card on the fight tonight? 37 00:01:45,969 --> 00:01:47,894 - I'm gonna say a Latin guy... - Mm-hmm. 38 00:01:47,986 --> 00:01:49,513 And a Russian. 39 00:01:49,833 --> 00:01:51,520 The fight just gets my boys in the door. 40 00:01:51,606 --> 00:01:52,934 What's gonna knock them out is when I wow them 41 00:01:53,020 --> 00:01:54,529 with all the amazing things I've lived through. 42 00:01:54,614 --> 00:01:56,294 - Snooze. - Not the way I do it. 43 00:01:56,380 --> 00:01:57,465 I've updated the lyrics to 44 00:01:57,551 --> 00:01:58,904 Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire." 45 00:01:58,989 --> 00:02:00,634 Huh. It's not everyone who can rhyme. 46 00:02:00,719 --> 00:02:02,622 "Bronco chase" with "Melrose Place." 47 00:02:02,755 --> 00:02:04,342 I still can't find any '90s thing 48 00:02:04,428 --> 00:02:05,692 that rhymes with "Michael Bay." 49 00:02:05,778 --> 00:02:08,163 Dr. Dre, Ellen's gay, Y2K... 50 00:02:08,257 --> 00:02:09,414 Don't you have someplace to be? 51 00:02:09,499 --> 00:02:10,914 It's boys' night, no chicks allowed. 52 00:02:10,999 --> 00:02:13,899 Kid 'N Play, "Groundhog Day," Tammy Faye... 53 00:02:15,502 --> 00:02:16,559 Hello. 54 00:02:16,697 --> 00:02:17,942 Speaking. 55 00:02:18,332 --> 00:02:19,872 Yes, of course I'll hold. 56 00:02:19,958 --> 00:02:22,184 Gloria, it's CalShopTV. 57 00:02:22,270 --> 00:02:24,864 I think they're gonna give me a slot to sell my dog beds. 58 00:02:24,950 --> 00:02:26,036 CalShopTV? 59 00:02:26,122 --> 00:02:28,543 The Southland's premier shopping network? 60 00:02:28,629 --> 00:02:30,333 I watch it all the time. 61 00:02:30,526 --> 00:02:32,192 And so do all my friends. 62 00:02:32,278 --> 00:02:33,754 This is big time, Gloria. 63 00:02:33,840 --> 00:02:35,915 People buy all sorts of crap on there. 64 00:02:36,001 --> 00:02:38,726 Hey, I'll finally get to use my spray-on hair! 65 00:02:38,812 --> 00:02:39,927 Great, 66 00:02:40,021 --> 00:02:42,293 it's all coming together for you. 67 00:02:42,629 --> 00:02:44,700 This is a long time to be on hold. 68 00:02:44,885 --> 00:02:47,567 I've never been this stressed out listening to James Taylor. 69 00:02:47,735 --> 00:02:49,559 Hang up. If it's good news, 70 00:02:49,645 --> 00:02:51,244 - they're gonna call you back. - What do you mean "if"? 71 00:02:51,329 --> 00:02:52,669 It's gotta be good news, right? I mean... 72 00:02:52,754 --> 00:02:54,839 I mean, it shouldn't take this long for a "yes"... 73 00:02:55,067 --> 00:02:56,465 Are they calling to say "no"? 74 00:02:56,558 --> 00:02:58,348 Are these sons of bitches rejecting me? 75 00:02:58,434 --> 00:03:00,114 Like I need this cheesy, third-rate... 76 00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:01,551 Yes, I'm still here. 77 00:03:01,637 --> 00:03:03,833 Tonight? Of course! I'll see you then! 78 00:03:04,122 --> 00:03:05,473 Gloria, they want me! 79 00:03:05,559 --> 00:03:07,583 It's the primo 10:00 p.m. slot... 80 00:03:07,669 --> 00:03:10,554 Exactly when people are drunk enough to make bad decisions, 81 00:03:10,648 --> 00:03:12,043 but not so drunk they can't read 82 00:03:12,129 --> 00:03:13,344 the back of their credit cards. 83 00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:16,495 You know what would be the coolest move ever? 84 00:03:16,651 --> 00:03:19,066 If you don't tell anyone that you're doing it. 85 00:03:19,229 --> 00:03:20,356 Tell them after. 86 00:03:20,442 --> 00:03:23,426 Be like, "Yeah, I was on TV, whatever." 87 00:03:28,982 --> 00:03:31,097 Happy anniversary! Oh, my gosh. 88 00:03:31,183 --> 00:03:33,379 I'm... I'm so sorry I forgot yesterday, um, 89 00:03:33,465 --> 00:03:35,520 but I love you, and I hope that 90 00:03:35,606 --> 00:03:36,661 this makes up for it. 91 00:03:36,747 --> 00:03:39,426 Oh, thank you, you did... Mitchell... 92 00:03:39,918 --> 00:03:42,903 A belt buckle, I love it! 93 00:03:42,989 --> 00:03:44,443 Yeah, see, I thought this was a uterus, 94 00:03:44,528 --> 00:03:46,059 but they told me it's a longhorn. 95 00:03:46,145 --> 00:03:48,075 - Yeah, a Texas longhorn. - No, just a longhorn. 96 00:03:48,458 --> 00:03:50,224 I thought you could wear it line dancing tonight. 97 00:03:50,309 --> 00:03:51,301 Are you sure I can't convince you to come? 98 00:03:51,387 --> 00:03:53,614 You know, it's two-for-one Alabama Slammers 99 00:03:53,700 --> 00:03:56,175 - and Oklahoma Comas. - You know, I'd rather stay here 100 00:03:56,261 --> 00:03:58,216 and have a free drink without a sad ending. 101 00:03:58,418 --> 00:03:59,817 Boys' night! 102 00:03:59,912 --> 00:04:02,012 Unlike in high school and most of college, 103 00:04:02,098 --> 00:04:04,253 - by choice. - Where's the opener? 104 00:04:04,339 --> 00:04:06,918 You don't need an opener. Hand it over. 105 00:04:07,307 --> 00:04:10,043 Let me show you how it used to be done. 106 00:04:10,472 --> 00:04:11,934 - Oh, dear God. - Oh. 107 00:04:12,036 --> 00:04:13,817 No one tell Claire I did that. 108 00:04:13,903 --> 00:04:15,856 You know my friend Corey who comes over here 109 00:04:15,942 --> 00:04:17,020 and broke that lamp? 110 00:04:17,106 --> 00:04:19,221 There is no Corey. We'll blame it on him. 111 00:04:19,307 --> 00:04:20,629 Okay. 112 00:04:20,892 --> 00:04:23,037 I learned that trick on a log in the woods. 113 00:04:23,123 --> 00:04:25,692 I was, uh, hanging out with my biker buddies. 114 00:04:25,778 --> 00:04:26,963 We'd just pedaled out... 115 00:04:27,049 --> 00:04:28,409 You know what happened to me in the woods once? 116 00:04:28,494 --> 00:04:31,012 I was bow hunting, this freak blizzard hits. 117 00:04:31,098 --> 00:04:33,192 I had to literally cut open an elk, 118 00:04:33,278 --> 00:04:35,817 clean his guts out, climb inside for the whole night 119 00:04:35,903 --> 00:04:36,935 just to keep from freezing. 120 00:04:37,020 --> 00:04:37,898 - Wow. - No way. 121 00:04:37,984 --> 00:04:40,199 I once found a bird's nest 122 00:04:40,363 --> 00:04:42,004 on the ground. True story. 123 00:04:42,111 --> 00:04:43,614 So, then what happened, Bill? 124 00:04:43,700 --> 00:04:45,879 Oh, be careful. My dad tried one of those earlier 125 00:04:45,965 --> 00:04:47,169 and my mom said he cried. 126 00:04:47,255 --> 00:04:48,771 I didn't cry. That was sweat from my eyes. 127 00:04:48,856 --> 00:04:50,162 - I mean, I'll try one. - No, don't, Bill. 128 00:04:50,247 --> 00:04:51,637 I drank all the milk! 129 00:04:52,410 --> 00:04:53,684 Mmm. 130 00:04:54,004 --> 00:04:55,865 Missing something. I think it needs some Tabasco. 131 00:04:55,950 --> 00:04:57,403 Bill, you're the man. 132 00:04:57,496 --> 00:04:59,395 Come on, hardly. I'm not even the man here. 133 00:04:59,481 --> 00:05:00,911 Oh, well, thank you, Bill. 134 00:05:00,997 --> 00:05:02,240 Dylan, tell them about that life you saved 135 00:05:02,325 --> 00:05:03,161 at the hospital the other night. 136 00:05:03,247 --> 00:05:04,732 Oh, I never thought I'd see 137 00:05:04,818 --> 00:05:06,663 someone with a golf club through his neck... 138 00:05:06,749 --> 00:05:08,926 Come on, let's not make Dylan compete with bird's nest. 139 00:05:09,012 --> 00:05:10,657 It's fight time, gents, 140 00:05:10,765 --> 00:05:13,180 courtesy of Big Daddy Dunphy! 141 00:05:13,397 --> 00:05:14,559 No Need for each of you 142 00:05:14,645 --> 00:05:16,220 to Venmo me $19. I got this. 143 00:05:16,306 --> 00:05:18,567 Things are, uh... Things are going well. 144 00:05:20,145 --> 00:05:21,465 Wait, what's... What's going on? 145 00:05:21,551 --> 00:05:23,581 I bought the fight. Go to "Purchases." 146 00:05:24,561 --> 00:05:26,223 Dad, you didn't buy MMA. 147 00:05:26,309 --> 00:05:28,567 - You bought "Mamma Mia. " Why would I buy "Mamma Mia"? 148 00:05:28,653 --> 00:05:30,483 I've seen it, like, three ti... I mean... 149 00:05:31,112 --> 00:05:32,888 Well, you guys want to see a video I took on my phone 150 00:05:32,973 --> 00:05:34,262 of a guy's car exploding? 151 00:05:34,348 --> 00:05:35,763 - Yeah. - Yeah. 152 00:05:35,848 --> 00:05:36,981 Check this out. 153 00:05:37,153 --> 00:05:38,168 I'm just saying, 154 00:05:38,254 --> 00:05:40,465 as someone who was actually born in a barn, 155 00:05:40,614 --> 00:05:42,957 - that's an unfair stereotype. - Okay, yes. 156 00:05:43,043 --> 00:05:44,468 - I'm sorry. - Hey, hey, hey. 157 00:05:44,554 --> 00:05:45,969 Don't all turn at once. 158 00:05:46,055 --> 00:05:47,997 Comin' in the front door, poser alert. 159 00:05:48,083 --> 00:05:50,668 - Where? - Oh, that is a bad look. 160 00:05:50,761 --> 00:05:52,364 Oh, is that a price tag still on his hat? 161 00:05:52,489 --> 00:05:54,879 Oh, Lord. I think he bought it today. 162 00:05:55,325 --> 00:05:56,832 Here he comes. Here he comes. 2:00. 163 00:05:56,918 --> 00:05:58,473 Your 2:00 or mine? 164 00:05:59,004 --> 00:06:01,629 ♪ You've got me thinking it might be... ♪ 165 00:06:01,715 --> 00:06:03,676 - Oh, God, it's mine. - Cam! 166 00:06:03,762 --> 00:06:05,153 Surprise! 167 00:06:05,272 --> 00:06:07,872 - Do you know him? - A little. 168 00:06:11,145 --> 00:06:12,575 Representative. 169 00:06:13,028 --> 00:06:15,207 Representative. 170 00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:18,064 Dunphy. 171 00:06:18,403 --> 00:06:20,153 Dun-phy. 172 00:06:20,826 --> 00:06:22,332 Dun... No. 173 00:06:22,434 --> 00:06:24,090 No, no, no. I'm not done. 174 00:06:24,229 --> 00:06:26,473 I'm not done! Come on! 175 00:06:29,259 --> 00:06:30,559 Somewhat satisfied. 176 00:06:30,918 --> 00:06:32,318 I couldn't get through to the cable company. 177 00:06:32,403 --> 00:06:33,707 I had to think fast... 178 00:06:33,793 --> 00:06:35,567 These guys were here to watch a fight, 179 00:06:35,723 --> 00:06:38,129 so I decided to show them 180 00:06:38,215 --> 00:06:41,036 the most epic battle of all time. 181 00:06:41,300 --> 00:06:43,551 - Wax on... - This Daniel dude 182 00:06:43,637 --> 00:06:45,286 is about to get his ass kicked. 183 00:06:45,387 --> 00:06:46,661 He's had no real training. 184 00:06:46,769 --> 00:06:49,416 You gotta do push-ups, cardio... 185 00:06:49,629 --> 00:06:50,965 Waxing a car? 186 00:06:51,051 --> 00:06:52,779 That's how we haze the probies at the firehouse. 187 00:06:52,864 --> 00:06:55,692 Yeah, why's the kid still listening to that crazy old man? 188 00:06:55,778 --> 00:06:57,411 He's not crazy, he's wise. 189 00:06:57,497 --> 00:07:00,325 There was a time when young people respected mentorship. 190 00:07:00,411 --> 00:07:02,575 Seems like he's just using him to do chores. 191 00:07:02,661 --> 00:07:04,942 Oh, God, he's doing that scarecrow move again. 192 00:07:05,028 --> 00:07:06,832 Why? It's completely wobbly 193 00:07:06,918 --> 00:07:07,943 and you can't get any leverage. 194 00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:10,629 It's called the crane and it's unstoppable. 195 00:07:10,715 --> 00:07:12,044 I don't know about unstoppable. 196 00:07:12,129 --> 00:07:14,786 It's a sophisticated move that uses the grace of the human... 197 00:07:14,879 --> 00:07:16,559 Well, don't do that. 198 00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:18,892 See? The old dude has no idea 199 00:07:18,978 --> 00:07:20,146 - what he's talking about. - Stop calling him 200 00:07:20,231 --> 00:07:21,450 the old dude. He's my age! 201 00:07:21,536 --> 00:07:23,949 And he's just trying to shape a young mind! 202 00:07:27,309 --> 00:07:30,003 - Hey. Oh, wow, there we go. - Hi. Oh. 203 00:07:30,089 --> 00:07:33,348 I'm so happy you're here. Such a sweet gesture. 204 00:07:33,575 --> 00:07:34,927 My gosh, and look at your new boots. 205 00:07:35,012 --> 00:07:36,176 - Look at those boots. - Yeah. 206 00:07:36,262 --> 00:07:38,294 So shiny and blue. 207 00:07:38,380 --> 00:07:40,005 Anyway, honey, you know, you're looking 208 00:07:40,091 --> 00:07:42,794 just a little bit store-bought cowboy... 209 00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:44,255 - Oh. - So maybe lose something... 210 00:07:44,341 --> 00:07:45,622 That's embarrassing. 211 00:07:45,708 --> 00:07:48,169 - There we go. - Oh, more fringe. Wow. Oh, my gosh. 212 00:07:48,317 --> 00:07:50,216 I feel like Tina Turner with all this, you know? 213 00:07:50,302 --> 00:07:51,887 Well, country folk don't shimmy. 214 00:07:51,973 --> 00:07:53,631 - They don't? Are you sure? - Stop shimmying. Stop. 215 00:07:53,716 --> 00:07:55,184 Okay, okay. Still learning. 216 00:07:55,270 --> 00:07:56,864 Uh, but look. I, uh... 217 00:07:57,012 --> 00:07:58,911 I bought a buckle, huh? Just like yours? 218 00:07:58,997 --> 00:08:00,594 Oh, I... Where is it? 219 00:08:00,708 --> 00:08:02,264 W-Well, you know what? It's so fancy, 220 00:08:02,349 --> 00:08:03,834 and I didn't want to show off in front of my friends. 221 00:08:03,919 --> 00:08:05,919 They're not as well off as we are, so... 222 00:08:06,005 --> 00:08:07,774 - Line 'em up, little doggies! - Oh! 223 00:08:07,859 --> 00:08:09,294 Reckon I can have this dance? 224 00:08:09,380 --> 00:08:11,426 Well, it's a line dance. It's very complicated. 225 00:08:11,512 --> 00:08:13,528 Well, I'll pick it up. Remember how fast I learned 226 00:08:13,614 --> 00:08:15,169 the hora at Pepper's adult bar-mitzvah? 227 00:08:15,255 --> 00:08:16,981 Cam! Over here! 228 00:08:17,091 --> 00:08:18,200 All right. Yeah, here we go. 229 00:08:18,286 --> 00:08:20,911 Do it. Okay. 230 00:08:22,875 --> 00:08:24,271 Oh, it just starts. 231 00:08:24,443 --> 00:08:25,645 There it is. 232 00:08:26,498 --> 00:08:27,708 - Sorry, sorry. - It's okay. 233 00:08:27,794 --> 00:08:28,979 Okay. 234 00:08:29,244 --> 00:08:31,216 Mitchell, scoot your boot. 235 00:08:35,099 --> 00:08:36,685 - Sorry. - Mitchell, it's that way. 236 00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:38,834 Okay, sorry. Okay, sorry. Oh, my gosh! 237 00:08:38,919 --> 00:08:40,874 - I'm sorry, was that me? Was that me? - Oh, my gosh! Mitchell! 238 00:08:40,959 --> 00:08:42,240 Mitchell! Come on. 239 00:08:42,326 --> 00:08:44,172 - Help me up, help me up, help me up. - Get some traction. 240 00:08:44,257 --> 00:08:46,294 Use your spurs! Dig 'em into the floor. 241 00:08:46,389 --> 00:08:47,644 Get your feet under you, cowboy. 242 00:08:47,729 --> 00:08:49,475 Okay, I got it. That's what the spurs are for. 243 00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:51,287 - All right. - All right. 244 00:08:51,411 --> 00:08:53,513 - Excuse us. Promenade. - Sorry. 245 00:08:53,732 --> 00:08:55,350 Do you think they'll be doing the hora next? 246 00:08:55,435 --> 00:08:57,209 Y-You know what? I'm... I'm... I'm not really comfortable 247 00:08:57,294 --> 00:08:58,583 with you leaving Lily home alone. 248 00:08:58,669 --> 00:09:00,919 Oh, she's not home alone. I have Claire watching her. 249 00:09:01,005 --> 00:09:03,365 Really? I-I've never seen those two talk. 250 00:09:08,849 --> 00:09:12,208 I'm afraid of Lily. W... I know that sounds horrible. 251 00:09:12,325 --> 00:09:15,990 What I mean to say is that lately I am unnerved 252 00:09:16,076 --> 00:09:17,708 by the way she'll just sit there, 253 00:09:17,825 --> 00:09:20,414 quietly staring, judging me. 254 00:09:20,499 --> 00:09:22,896 So, to put it in kinder terms, 255 00:09:23,288 --> 00:09:24,966 I'm afraid of Lily. 256 00:09:26,464 --> 00:09:27,719 - Aunt Claire? - Yes? 257 00:09:27,818 --> 00:09:28,854 What, honey? 258 00:09:28,939 --> 00:09:30,130 Why don't you like me? 259 00:09:30,216 --> 00:09:32,184 What? I like you. 260 00:09:32,269 --> 00:09:34,454 I-I love you. 261 00:09:34,599 --> 00:09:36,854 In fact, I told everyone 262 00:09:36,939 --> 00:09:39,094 I was watching you tonight so they... 263 00:09:39,179 --> 00:09:40,849 They all know where I am. 264 00:09:40,935 --> 00:09:42,458 Oh. 265 00:09:42,585 --> 00:09:44,122 I kind of thought you didn't like me. 266 00:09:44,219 --> 00:09:45,434 What gave you that idea? 267 00:09:45,519 --> 00:09:47,774 Because you don't really talk to me, 268 00:09:47,859 --> 00:09:49,274 and you shoot me these looks, 269 00:09:49,359 --> 00:09:50,574 and I feel like you're judging. 270 00:09:50,659 --> 00:09:52,880 I get nervous around you 'cause you're so cool. 271 00:09:53,466 --> 00:09:55,087 That's really sweet. 272 00:09:55,227 --> 00:09:56,272 Wait, are you being mean? 273 00:09:56,358 --> 00:09:58,443 No. Why does everyone always ask me that? 274 00:09:58,529 --> 00:10:01,284 No one has called me cool in years. 275 00:10:01,370 --> 00:10:02,384 Ever... 276 00:10:02,469 --> 00:10:04,084 I love the way you don't give a damn. 277 00:10:04,169 --> 00:10:06,884 Well, I do play by my own rules. 278 00:10:06,969 --> 00:10:08,075 You do what you want. 279 00:10:08,161 --> 00:10:10,575 You don't care who you piss off or what anyone thinks of you. 280 00:10:10,749 --> 00:10:12,193 This compliment is starting to sound 281 00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:13,365 a little bit like an insult. 282 00:10:13,451 --> 00:10:14,997 Well, look who I live with. 283 00:10:15,099 --> 00:10:16,674 Honey. 284 00:10:16,861 --> 00:10:18,286 Tell you what. Let's hang out, 285 00:10:18,372 --> 00:10:19,972 get to know each other, do something fun. 286 00:10:20,088 --> 00:10:22,533 Ooh, let's create a Tinder profile of a really hot girl 287 00:10:22,689 --> 00:10:24,185 and see what pictures guys send us. 288 00:10:24,271 --> 00:10:25,622 Hm... 289 00:10:25,802 --> 00:10:27,490 I need to be the grown-up here, 290 00:10:27,576 --> 00:10:29,346 but I really do want to do that. 291 00:10:30,355 --> 00:10:31,740 What's this? 292 00:10:31,826 --> 00:10:33,880 Manny and I were thinking that you should 293 00:10:33,966 --> 00:10:36,413 rehearse a little bit before going on TV 294 00:10:36,499 --> 00:10:38,419 where people we know are gonna see you. 295 00:10:38,505 --> 00:10:40,654 I don't need to rehearse. Do you know how many commercials 296 00:10:40,739 --> 00:10:42,154 I did for Pritchett's Closets? 297 00:10:42,239 --> 00:10:44,490 This is live TV. It's a whole different beast. 298 00:10:44,576 --> 00:10:45,992 Okay, but don't overdo it, all right? 299 00:10:46,077 --> 00:10:47,192 I want to keep it fresh. 300 00:10:47,278 --> 00:10:50,825 Mom, you're the host in 3... 2... 301 00:10:51,523 --> 00:10:54,938 Hello. Welcome to CalShopTV. 302 00:10:55,163 --> 00:10:58,048 I am a perky blonde who is easily amazed. 303 00:10:58,255 --> 00:11:00,380 I'm Jay Pritchett. I'll bet you were expecting 304 00:11:00,466 --> 00:11:02,427 - to hear about closets. - O-Okay, stop. 305 00:11:02,513 --> 00:11:03,898 Why are you mentioning closets? 306 00:11:03,984 --> 00:11:06,732 Jay, everybody knows that you're the king of closets. 307 00:11:06,818 --> 00:11:08,803 If there was a closet hall of fame, 308 00:11:08,889 --> 00:11:09,934 you would be in it. 309 00:11:10,020 --> 00:11:11,763 If? What do you think we were doing 310 00:11:11,849 --> 00:11:13,599 that weekend in Corning, New York? 311 00:11:13,713 --> 00:11:14,911 Let's just stay on topic. 312 00:11:14,997 --> 00:11:17,669 And try using colorful language to describe your product 313 00:11:17,755 --> 00:11:19,400 like "stunning" or "delicious." 314 00:11:19,486 --> 00:11:21,871 "Delicious"? If my dad heard me say that, 315 00:11:21,957 --> 00:11:23,459 he'd have punched me, and I'd have been grateful. 316 00:11:23,544 --> 00:11:25,021 Just cue me. 317 00:11:25,762 --> 00:11:29,447 Hello. Welcome. This is CalShopTV. 318 00:11:29,533 --> 00:11:31,778 How you doin', folks? If you have a dog... 319 00:11:31,864 --> 00:11:33,019 No, no, that's too big. 320 00:11:33,105 --> 00:11:35,490 Why don't you do it like you're goofing on it? 321 00:11:35,576 --> 00:11:36,705 Like, uh, 322 00:11:36,791 --> 00:11:39,716 "I don't really care about dog beds. I am a man!" 323 00:11:39,896 --> 00:11:41,881 Why don't you start off with something funny? 324 00:11:42,021 --> 00:11:44,451 A kid in my class does arm farts. 325 00:11:45,590 --> 00:11:46,945 It's hilarious. 326 00:11:47,031 --> 00:11:48,302 Our bodies, huh? 327 00:11:48,388 --> 00:11:50,380 Come on, guys. You're starting to get in my head. 328 00:11:50,466 --> 00:11:52,592 Well, listen, if you don't feel like you're ready for it, 329 00:11:52,677 --> 00:11:53,892 why don't you just cancel? 330 00:11:53,978 --> 00:11:55,350 It's better than embarrassing yourself. 331 00:11:55,435 --> 00:11:56,669 You mean embarrass you. 332 00:11:56,755 --> 00:11:58,755 You don't think I hear your snarky comments? 333 00:11:58,841 --> 00:12:00,986 You think dog beds are silly. I get it. 334 00:12:01,072 --> 00:12:03,294 Right now, I need people who believe in me, 335 00:12:03,419 --> 00:12:05,029 so why don't you just stay home. 336 00:12:07,154 --> 00:12:09,529 Did he really think I was going with him? 337 00:12:10,997 --> 00:12:13,344 I'm so sorry, Donna. H-How is your knee feeling? 338 00:12:13,429 --> 00:12:14,614 Oh, my knee's fine. 339 00:12:14,699 --> 00:12:17,254 It's my shin where your little buddy's spurs got me. 340 00:12:17,339 --> 00:12:19,354 Yeah, Mitchell, why did you get spurs? 341 00:12:19,439 --> 00:12:21,358 It was an impulse buy. They were at the register. 342 00:12:21,443 --> 00:12:22,568 All right, folks, 343 00:12:22,654 --> 00:12:24,201 we're about to kick off t he beer relay! 344 00:12:24,286 --> 00:12:27,005 - Beer relay! Come on, team! - I'm sorry, guys. 345 00:12:27,091 --> 00:12:29,364 I just took a painkiller. I am out for the night. 346 00:12:29,449 --> 00:12:31,732 Damn it. I've been practicing for this all week. 347 00:12:31,848 --> 00:12:33,982 Yeah, we know, Nate. You might have a problem. 348 00:12:34,115 --> 00:12:35,693 Um, I-I could sit in for her. 349 00:12:35,779 --> 00:12:38,244 - Oh, seriously? I don't think... - I can chug. 350 00:12:38,329 --> 00:12:39,920 Remember that time we went through security 351 00:12:40,005 --> 00:12:42,114 and I forgot I had a bottle of water in my bag? 352 00:12:42,199 --> 00:12:44,884 Come on! Come on, cowboys. Saddle up! 353 00:12:44,969 --> 00:12:47,091 All right, Mitch. Donna always goes first, 354 00:12:47,177 --> 00:12:48,318 so you take her spot. 355 00:12:48,404 --> 00:12:51,013 All right, set the pace. I love it. 356 00:12:51,193 --> 00:12:54,224 Okay, you dirtbags, let's do this. 357 00:12:54,309 --> 00:12:55,966 Ready... set... 358 00:12:56,139 --> 00:12:57,324 chug! All right, let's go! 359 00:12:57,494 --> 00:12:58,834 Chug, Mitchell, chug! 360 00:13:00,379 --> 00:13:02,334 You gotta chug. Is it possible there's more bubbles in mine? 361 00:13:02,419 --> 00:13:03,934 - No. It's the same, yeah. - No? 362 00:13:04,019 --> 00:13:05,069 Come on, Mitch! 363 00:13:05,155 --> 00:13:06,639 Stop nursing it like a little baby! 364 00:13:06,725 --> 00:13:07,725 You know what, Nate? 365 00:13:07,811 --> 00:13:09,171 I don't respond well to negativity, 366 00:13:09,256 --> 00:13:12,100 so you can all just take that down a-a notch. 367 00:13:12,209 --> 00:13:14,244 Here we go. Drink, drink, drink! 368 00:13:14,329 --> 00:13:16,129 Mitchell, you have to drink! 369 00:13:17,729 --> 00:13:20,279 It's like he's waterboarding himself. 370 00:13:20,365 --> 00:13:22,284 We balance this bucket 371 00:13:22,369 --> 00:13:25,927 on the top of the door, just so, 372 00:13:26,013 --> 00:13:27,828 and when your dads come home, 373 00:13:28,109 --> 00:13:29,194 spills water on them. 374 00:13:29,279 --> 00:13:30,324 Hot boiling water? 375 00:13:30,409 --> 00:13:32,594 - What? No. - Okay. 376 00:13:32,679 --> 00:13:33,952 I guess it's still funny. 377 00:13:34,038 --> 00:13:35,538 And you're saying this is a cool thing 378 00:13:35,624 --> 00:13:36,710 that cool people would do? 379 00:13:37,147 --> 00:13:39,145 Lily, I can't lie to you. 380 00:13:39,260 --> 00:13:42,015 It's not cool, and neither am I. 381 00:13:42,289 --> 00:13:43,704 Food trucks make me nervous. 382 00:13:43,789 --> 00:13:45,044 I leave voicemails. 383 00:13:45,129 --> 00:13:47,577 I prefer The Weather Channel to MTV. 384 00:13:47,663 --> 00:13:48,844 Is MTV still cool? 385 00:13:48,929 --> 00:13:50,202 I've never heard of it. 386 00:13:50,288 --> 00:13:51,991 I am not cool. 387 00:13:53,928 --> 00:13:55,960 I don't think I'm cool, either. 388 00:13:56,046 --> 00:13:57,741 Maybe that's our thing. 389 00:13:57,939 --> 00:14:00,764 Maybe we can be uncool together. 390 00:14:01,079 --> 00:14:03,171 - That sounds nice. - Hm. 391 00:14:03,257 --> 00:14:05,294 Except when I'm with my friends, then I don't know you. 392 00:14:05,379 --> 00:14:06,379 I respect that. 393 00:14:06,658 --> 00:14:07,983 You know what would be fun? 394 00:14:08,171 --> 00:14:09,931 Filling the bucket with spiders. 395 00:14:11,445 --> 00:14:12,545 You might need help. 396 00:14:15,714 --> 00:14:18,061 Dad? Did you eat another pepper? 397 00:14:18,147 --> 00:14:20,332 No. It's not about the pepper. 398 00:14:20,499 --> 00:14:22,974 You're upset we made fun of the movie, aren't you? 399 00:14:23,491 --> 00:14:25,384 Hey, that's just what our generation does. 400 00:14:25,469 --> 00:14:27,254 We goof on things that scare us 401 00:14:27,339 --> 00:14:28,694 because of how much we love them. 402 00:14:28,780 --> 00:14:30,965 Yeah. We wish there was a sequel. 403 00:14:31,067 --> 00:14:32,552 There's actually two. 404 00:14:32,660 --> 00:14:34,780 Idiot. I'm not watching another one. 405 00:14:34,866 --> 00:14:36,522 Mr. D, I know that this might 406 00:14:36,639 --> 00:14:38,249 sound like the craziest thing ever, 407 00:14:38,335 --> 00:14:40,647 but are you upset because you want to see yourself 408 00:14:40,779 --> 00:14:42,905 - as our Mr. Miata? - That's just dumb. 409 00:14:42,991 --> 00:14:45,475 Yeah, don't waste one of our guesses on that. 410 00:14:47,283 --> 00:14:49,959 - It's Miyagi. - Told you. 411 00:14:51,208 --> 00:14:52,830 It's ridiculous to say this out loud, 412 00:14:52,916 --> 00:14:53,968 but I guess I just wanted to feel 413 00:14:54,053 --> 00:14:55,793 like someone you guys could look up to. 414 00:14:57,725 --> 00:15:01,084 What are you talking about? Everybody looks up to you. 415 00:15:01,239 --> 00:15:02,272 Yeah. 416 00:15:02,358 --> 00:15:04,061 The hardest thing about dating Alex... 417 00:15:04,147 --> 00:15:05,702 Well, besides all the big words... 418 00:15:05,788 --> 00:15:07,803 Is just knowing she grew up 419 00:15:07,889 --> 00:15:09,678 with a perfect guy in her life. 420 00:15:10,109 --> 00:15:11,452 It's pretty hard to compete with. 421 00:15:11,538 --> 00:15:13,753 That's what scares me about having kids with Haley. 422 00:15:13,957 --> 00:15:15,912 Even if I'm an awesome dad, 423 00:15:16,131 --> 00:15:17,676 I'll still fall short of you. 424 00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:20,755 Try being his son, knowing you'll never measure up. 425 00:15:20,841 --> 00:15:22,249 It's no picnic. 426 00:15:22,343 --> 00:15:24,991 Which is ironic, because we go on a lot of picnics. 427 00:15:25,110 --> 00:15:27,014 You're also the best magician I've ever seen. 428 00:15:27,100 --> 00:15:29,155 Not to mention the best real-estate agent, 429 00:15:29,299 --> 00:15:30,882 the best party deejay... 430 00:15:30,968 --> 00:15:32,443 The best cowboy, 431 00:15:32,529 --> 00:15:34,569 riverboat gambler, medieval knight... 432 00:15:34,655 --> 00:15:37,625 Those are just old-timey photos from amusement parks, but... 433 00:15:39,311 --> 00:15:41,239 I just love you guys, and... 434 00:15:42,622 --> 00:15:46,366 I want to pass on some of the things that I've learned. 435 00:15:46,672 --> 00:15:47,928 Like... 436 00:15:48,816 --> 00:15:52,624 never try to take a tennis ball away from a raccoon. 437 00:15:53,079 --> 00:15:54,334 Or... 438 00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:57,616 never go to play tennis with just one ball. 439 00:15:58,186 --> 00:15:59,428 That is good to know. 440 00:15:59,514 --> 00:16:01,178 Or, you know, stuff like 441 00:16:01,375 --> 00:16:03,186 find the fun in every moment, 442 00:16:03,272 --> 00:16:05,749 find the good in every person, 443 00:16:06,364 --> 00:16:09,725 or never, ever be the one who doesn't do the wave. 444 00:16:09,855 --> 00:16:11,538 Those people die alone. 445 00:16:11,743 --> 00:16:14,283 Thanks, Mr. D-yagi. 446 00:16:16,061 --> 00:16:17,981 I'm gonna need another minute. 447 00:16:20,129 --> 00:16:21,319 Hey. 448 00:16:21,445 --> 00:16:22,660 Good news. 449 00:16:22,746 --> 00:16:24,171 - You okay? - Mm-hmm. 450 00:16:24,457 --> 00:16:26,780 I, uh... I just slipped the guy $20 451 00:16:26,866 --> 00:16:28,422 so that we could ride the mechanical bull together. 452 00:16:28,507 --> 00:16:30,592 Okay, which guy? Because that's a plastic cow, 453 00:16:30,692 --> 00:16:32,280 doesn't move, and... 454 00:16:32,459 --> 00:16:35,483 there's an "X" at the back to tell you which is the front. 455 00:16:35,571 --> 00:16:37,219 Hey, listen, it's starting to slow down. 456 00:16:37,305 --> 00:16:38,641 We should get going, huh? Really? 457 00:16:38,727 --> 00:16:40,152 All right, folks, grab your partner! 458 00:16:40,238 --> 00:16:41,487 Night's just gettin' started. 459 00:16:41,573 --> 00:16:42,469 I'll get us a car. 460 00:16:42,555 --> 00:16:43,647 Why are you in such a rush 461 00:16:43,733 --> 00:16:45,418 to get us out of here? 462 00:16:45,590 --> 00:16:46,664 Is it about me? 463 00:16:46,809 --> 00:16:48,242 No! 464 00:16:48,591 --> 00:16:50,780 It's about your clothes 465 00:16:50,866 --> 00:16:52,481 and your dancing 466 00:16:52,567 --> 00:16:53,552 and your drinking and your... 467 00:16:53,638 --> 00:16:54,758 Okay, okay, okay, I get it. 468 00:16:54,844 --> 00:16:56,219 You're embarrassed of me. 469 00:16:56,305 --> 00:16:57,806 Y-You know, you're the one who's been asking me 470 00:16:57,891 --> 00:16:58,812 to come here for years. 471 00:16:58,898 --> 00:17:00,883 I really thought I wanted you here, but then, 472 00:17:00,969 --> 00:17:02,039 once you came here, 473 00:17:02,125 --> 00:17:04,398 I discovered that I don't really want you here. 474 00:17:04,484 --> 00:17:06,430 Wow, that is beyond... 475 00:17:06,516 --> 00:17:07,461 Okay, well, let me ask you. 476 00:17:07,547 --> 00:17:08,827 Did you have a good time tonight? 477 00:17:09,135 --> 00:17:10,336 I was with you! 478 00:17:10,422 --> 00:17:12,273 - Okay, answer the question. - No. 479 00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:15,094 No, the floor's sticky, I don't know a single song, 480 00:17:15,180 --> 00:17:16,656 and I'm not entirely sure 481 00:17:16,753 --> 00:17:18,038 Donna isn't your sister, Pam. 482 00:17:18,124 --> 00:17:20,609 Honey, I appreciate that you went to all this trouble, 483 00:17:20,695 --> 00:17:21,710 but you know what? 484 00:17:21,796 --> 00:17:24,051 Maybe we don't have to do everything together. 485 00:17:24,137 --> 00:17:25,734 Maybe that's how we'll make sure 486 00:17:25,820 --> 00:17:28,320 - we have lots of anniversaries. - Oh. 487 00:17:28,702 --> 00:17:30,469 And I promise never to forget again. 488 00:17:30,555 --> 00:17:33,961 And I promise I'll never count down the seconds to shame you. 489 00:17:34,238 --> 00:17:36,352 Okay, let's get you out of that belt buckle. 490 00:17:36,438 --> 00:17:38,323 - Ooh. - No, I didn't mean it in a sexy way. 491 00:17:38,409 --> 00:17:39,590 It's hideous. It looks like something 492 00:17:39,675 --> 00:17:41,234 you'd get off CalShopTV. 493 00:17:41,573 --> 00:17:43,988 Um, can you call me a driver for the ride home? 494 00:17:44,283 --> 00:17:46,664 Hi! Are you the dog bed guy? I'm Linda. 495 00:17:46,797 --> 00:17:49,112 My wife loves you. She couldn't make it tonight. 496 00:17:49,330 --> 00:17:51,485 I'm sure you have a really nice wife, dog bed guy. 497 00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:53,916 Do you have any advice? Uh, talk loud. 498 00:17:54,002 --> 00:17:55,958 A lot of people are watching this in hospital waiting rooms. 499 00:17:56,043 --> 00:17:57,930 How big an audience do you usually get? 500 00:17:58,016 --> 00:17:59,047 Saturday night? 501 00:17:59,133 --> 00:18:00,948 300,000, 400,000. Ooh! 502 00:18:01,671 --> 00:18:03,625 Oh, my God, 503 00:18:03,794 --> 00:18:05,419 CalShopTV viewers, 504 00:18:05,505 --> 00:18:08,720 I have a very special treat for you. 505 00:18:08,806 --> 00:18:10,680 Joining me is Jay Pritchett 506 00:18:10,789 --> 00:18:13,016 with the most exciting new product. 507 00:18:13,102 --> 00:18:14,357 Right, Jay? 508 00:18:14,736 --> 00:18:16,242 I'm Jay! 509 00:18:16,366 --> 00:18:18,451 Whoo! Yeah, you are. 510 00:18:18,537 --> 00:18:22,292 So, tell me about these adorable little creations. 511 00:18:22,446 --> 00:18:24,046 Uh, dog beds. 512 00:18:25,591 --> 00:18:27,706 Dog beds? Wait, so you're telling me 513 00:18:28,033 --> 00:18:30,828 this pineapple is a dog bed? 514 00:18:30,914 --> 00:18:32,599 Wh... Well, now I've seen everything. 515 00:18:32,742 --> 00:18:34,142 Tell me more. Um... 516 00:18:35,778 --> 00:18:37,219 You know, dogs get tired... 517 00:18:37,432 --> 00:18:38,547 Mm-hmm. 518 00:18:38,719 --> 00:18:39,891 And, uh, so... 519 00:18:39,977 --> 00:18:40,962 these. 520 00:18:41,048 --> 00:18:43,330 - Uh-oh. - Gosh, I feel like 521 00:18:43,416 --> 00:18:44,734 I'm doing most of the talking. 522 00:18:44,836 --> 00:18:46,820 How would you describe your dog beds? 523 00:18:48,953 --> 00:18:49,998 Delicious? 524 00:18:50,216 --> 00:18:51,416 I gave him that. 525 00:18:52,742 --> 00:18:54,697 Jay, anything else you'd like to share 526 00:18:54,783 --> 00:18:56,867 with our CalShopTV audience? 527 00:18:56,953 --> 00:18:59,263 Something to get those phone lines buzzing? 528 00:19:02,550 --> 00:19:04,195 Do it. 529 00:19:04,281 --> 00:19:05,781 Do it. 530 00:19:07,256 --> 00:19:09,211 Oh, and it looks like we've got a caller. 531 00:19:09,554 --> 00:19:11,656 Hello, this is Joanne 532 00:19:11,757 --> 00:19:13,094 from Riverside. 533 00:19:13,180 --> 00:19:14,605 I love dogs! 534 00:19:14,858 --> 00:19:16,033 Hello, Joanne. 535 00:19:16,119 --> 00:19:17,844 I have a question. 536 00:19:17,930 --> 00:19:21,375 It is called, uh, Beds by Stella. 537 00:19:21,461 --> 00:19:22,976 Who is Stella? 538 00:19:23,062 --> 00:19:24,547 She's my dog. 539 00:19:24,633 --> 00:19:28,058 Oh! I see that she's your inspiration 540 00:19:28,144 --> 00:19:29,619 for what you're doing. 541 00:19:29,705 --> 00:19:31,830 What kind of dog is she? 542 00:19:32,159 --> 00:19:35,074 French bulldog. And I know what you're thinking. 543 00:19:35,409 --> 00:19:38,079 Uh, she's French, so she has an attitude. 544 00:19:39,363 --> 00:19:41,348 French people are so snooty. I love it. 545 00:19:41,456 --> 00:19:43,219 But not my little girl. 546 00:19:43,346 --> 00:19:44,871 Uh, she's the salt of the Earth. 547 00:19:44,957 --> 00:19:46,503 I mean, you should see her when I sit her next to me 548 00:19:46,588 --> 00:19:47,843 when I'm watching sports. 549 00:19:47,929 --> 00:19:50,283 You know, I explain the whole game to her, 550 00:19:50,369 --> 00:19:52,344 which is funny because, you know, um, 551 00:19:52,430 --> 00:19:54,615 dogs don't really understand sports. 552 00:19:54,701 --> 00:19:56,216 Oh, yeah, that's cute, 553 00:19:56,302 --> 00:19:58,227 but I bet that it's very annoying 554 00:19:58,321 --> 00:20:00,548 - for the people that live with you. - Yeah, well, 555 00:20:00,634 --> 00:20:02,331 you know, they say they don't love her, 556 00:20:02,417 --> 00:20:03,752 but I know they do, 557 00:20:03,838 --> 00:20:05,693 uh, because she's part of the family, 558 00:20:05,779 --> 00:20:09,470 so she deserves a-a comfortable, fun place to sleep. 559 00:20:10,319 --> 00:20:11,904 Like your dogs. 560 00:20:12,208 --> 00:20:14,377 Uh, you know, I call this one 561 00:20:14,463 --> 00:20:15,588 the Puppy Colada, 562 00:20:15,686 --> 00:20:17,601 and, uh, the Rover Rocket. 563 00:20:17,687 --> 00:20:20,212 This one here is the, uh, Pupcake. 564 00:20:20,298 --> 00:20:21,873 This is the Tailavision, 565 00:20:22,096 --> 00:20:24,421 and our latest creation 566 00:20:24,507 --> 00:20:26,517 is the Taj Mahowl! 567 00:20:26,603 --> 00:20:29,258 Wow, our phones are lighting up. 568 00:20:29,411 --> 00:20:32,566 Thank you, Mr. Pritchett. I can feel all the love 569 00:20:32,659 --> 00:20:35,744 and hard work that you put into your beds. 570 00:20:35,930 --> 00:20:38,478 I am very proud of you. 571 00:20:38,750 --> 00:20:41,970 Thank you, Joanne from Riverside. 572 00:20:42,124 --> 00:20:43,539 I love you. 573 00:20:43,718 --> 00:20:45,744 LOh, hold on. Okay, wait. I just got it. 574 00:20:45,830 --> 00:20:47,244 Taj Mahowl! 575 00:20:47,337 --> 00:20:49,290 That's it! 576 00:20:51,292 --> 00:20:53,047 Thank you, Janet from Pomona, 577 00:20:53,133 --> 00:20:54,923 and to your little Pomeranian, Tony, 578 00:20:55,009 --> 00:20:56,517 I'd just like to say... 579 00:20:58,942 --> 00:21:00,770 I can't believe I'm saying this, 580 00:21:00,856 --> 00:21:03,208 but you might be weirder than the knife guy. 581 00:21:04,309 --> 00:21:06,122 Oh, look at that. 582 00:21:06,208 --> 00:21:08,622 You just sold your hundredth dog bed. 583 00:21:08,739 --> 00:21:09,784 How 'bout a little tail wag? 584 00:21:09,869 --> 00:21:11,496 You don't have to ask me twice. 585 00:21:16,409 --> 00:21:17,894 Good God, Dad. 586 00:21:18,262 --> 00:21:20,734 We may have to make some difficult decisions soon. 587 00:21:21,121 --> 00:21:23,193 Wait, that's the guy you were afraid you couldn't live up to? 588 00:21:23,278 --> 00:21:24,520 I know. 589 00:21:24,606 --> 00:21:25,973 Legend.