1
00:00:20,690 --> 00:00:23,760
We're taking a four-week bicycle
trip through the vineyards of Italy!
2
00:00:23,830 --> 00:00:25,960
We figure that this summer,
our whole lives
3
00:00:26,030 --> 00:00:27,330
are gonna be turned upside-down
4
00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:30,700
when Haley, Dylan,
and their twins move in with us,
5
00:00:30,770 --> 00:00:33,870
so why not splurge on a grandbaby-moon?
6
00:00:33,940 --> 00:00:35,510
So we've been hitting
the language tapes,
7
00:00:35,570 --> 00:00:37,410
the, uh... the stationary bikes,
8
00:00:37,480 --> 00:00:40,010
and a couple of times a day,
I wolfishly whistle at Claire
9
00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:42,550
to prepare her for that
timeless Roman charm.
10
00:00:43,580 --> 00:00:46,120
I can't believe after all
those nights at Fratelli's
11
00:00:46,220 --> 00:00:47,550
talking about going to Italy,
12
00:00:47,650 --> 00:00:48,920
it's actually happening.
13
00:00:49,020 --> 00:00:51,260
Ohh, American lady!
14
00:00:51,360 --> 00:00:53,120
Why do you do this to me?
15
00:00:53,230 --> 00:00:55,590
Don't make me practice
my slap on you again. Mm.
16
00:00:55,830 --> 00:00:56,630
What's that?
17
00:00:56,730 --> 00:01:00,730
Oh, I'm on hold. I'm booking us
into a converted castle in Tuscany
18
00:01:00,830 --> 00:01:02,570
- for our anniversary.
- Does it have a moat?
19
00:01:02,670 --> 00:01:05,270
I've been working on all
of our receipts for taxes.
20
00:01:05,370 --> 00:01:06,500
Looks like we're getting a refund,
21
00:01:06,610 --> 00:01:08,310
which means that we can afford to...
22
00:01:08,410 --> 00:01:09,910
To pay the dwarf who
will lower the drawbridge
23
00:01:10,010 --> 00:01:11,580
if we answer his riddles three?
24
00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:14,010
I'm gonna nip this in the bud. No moat.
25
00:01:14,110 --> 00:01:15,880
This trip was such a great idea.
26
00:01:15,980 --> 00:01:17,950
- Oh, I know.
- Ah. Mwah!
27
00:01:18,050 --> 00:01:20,080
- Things are gonna be so hectic here this summer.
- Mm-hmm.
28
00:01:20,190 --> 00:01:21,490
It's weird to think
people will be calling us
29
00:01:21,590 --> 00:01:23,250
- Grandpa and...
- No, please don't say it.
30
00:01:23,360 --> 00:01:25,520
Don't say that word.
It makes me feel so old.
31
00:01:25,620 --> 00:01:27,960
But I have thought about
what I want them to call me.
32
00:01:28,060 --> 00:01:29,860
- Gammy.
- Gammy.
33
00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:31,830
Well, let's take her for a spin.
34
00:01:31,930 --> 00:01:33,660
"Hey, everyone, Gammy's here!"
35
00:01:33,770 --> 00:01:36,230
"Sorry, guys, not today,
Gammy's in a mood."
36
00:01:36,340 --> 00:01:38,270
- Yeah, it does. It works.
- Mm. Yeah.
37
00:01:38,370 --> 00:01:40,700
- Hey, roomies.
- Hey... "Roomies"?
38
00:01:40,810 --> 00:01:42,810
What is with all the boxes and the bags?
39
00:01:42,910 --> 00:01:45,380
Well, I know we said we'd
move in when the babies come,
40
00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:47,610
but then we thought about
all the money we'd save.
41
00:01:47,710 --> 00:01:49,680
- Mucho dinero.
- Mm.
42
00:01:49,780 --> 00:01:51,080
- Yes.
- You look mad.
43
00:01:51,180 --> 00:01:52,720
I should've told you.
I was afraid to tell you.
44
00:01:52,820 --> 00:01:54,450
I didn't think that I could
handle the disappointment
45
00:01:54,550 --> 00:01:56,050
if you weren't happy about it.
46
00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:57,590
But you're not unhappy about it, right?
47
00:01:57,690 --> 00:01:59,290
- Right?!
- Oh, honey. Oh, honey.
48
00:01:59,390 --> 00:02:01,890
Oh, my gosh,
you're the best. I love you so much.
49
00:02:03,630 --> 00:02:05,800
Wow! What a journey.
50
00:02:05,900 --> 00:02:08,400
What is my life gonna be like
when I'm in the hormonal stage?
51
00:02:08,500 --> 00:02:09,530
Oh, wait,
there was one more thing, um...
52
00:02:09,640 --> 00:02:11,640
Hey,
where should I put these boxes?
53
00:02:11,740 --> 00:02:14,810
My mom surprised us. We were hoping
she could stay a couple days.
54
00:02:14,910 --> 00:02:17,310
Hello, hello!
55
00:02:17,410 --> 00:02:19,640
Well, it's about time we officially met,
56
00:02:19,750 --> 00:02:24,130
considering our DNA is already
swirling around in Haley's womb.
57
00:02:25,350 --> 00:02:26,420
Phil.
58
00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:28,050
- Oh, hey.
- Mwah.
59
00:02:28,120 --> 00:02:29,320
- Claire.
- Oh, hi.
60
00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:32,020
- I'm Farrah.
- Hi, Farrah.
61
00:02:32,090 --> 00:02:34,420
- You look so familiar.
- Well, I meet a lot of people
62
00:02:34,490 --> 00:02:36,660
with my work in the protest movement.
63
00:02:37,230 --> 00:02:39,900
Oh, did you participate in
the Ivory is Murder Fun Run?
64
00:02:39,970 --> 00:02:42,530
- Not that I recall.
- Sweetheart, why don't you show Farrah
65
00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:44,300
- where she will be sleeping.
- Oh, no,
66
00:02:44,370 --> 00:02:47,670
I just need two weight-bearing
hooks spaced seven feet apart.
67
00:02:47,740 --> 00:02:49,470
This kimono converts to a hammock.
68
00:02:49,570 --> 00:02:50,540
Ah.
69
00:02:50,610 --> 00:02:52,540
- Pronto!
- Italy!
70
00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:53,910
- They answered! Where's the phone?
- Oh! Oh, no, no, no.
71
00:02:54,010 --> 00:02:55,110
- Where's the phone?
- I got it, right here.
72
00:02:55,210 --> 00:02:56,710
- You got it? Get it.
- Yeah. Oh!
73
00:02:56,780 --> 00:02:58,850
Oh! Oh, buddy, I'm so sorry.
74
00:02:58,920 --> 00:03:00,020
- Let me get you some ice.
- Damn it!
75
00:03:00,090 --> 00:03:02,150
No, no, don't worry. I brought magnets.
76
00:03:03,660 --> 00:03:05,290
Is that the way she
treats all head injuries?
77
00:03:05,390 --> 00:03:07,190
Because I've got a theory.
78
00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:10,960
Modern Family
Season 10 Episode 12
79
00:03:15,425 --> 00:03:17,425
"Blasts from the Past"
== resynced by Brach_Movic aka GilangPC ==
80
00:03:22,180 --> 00:03:25,070
I want to give these old
toys to Haley's babies.
81
00:03:25,180 --> 00:03:27,780
Oh, Joe, that's so sweet!
82
00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:30,950
Now I have room in the
closet for my lizard.
83
00:03:31,050 --> 00:03:34,580
Lizard? I thought that you were
just going to the pet shop to look.
84
00:03:34,690 --> 00:03:36,320
I can't say no to that face.
85
00:03:36,420 --> 00:03:38,390
You're gonna have to be bad cop
'til puberty,
86
00:03:38,490 --> 00:03:39,860
you know,
when the Pritchett Adam's apple
87
00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:41,720
and fuzz-stache show up.
88
00:03:41,830 --> 00:03:45,090
Manny, you should also give
something for the twins.
89
00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:47,060
You both are gonna be uncles.
90
00:03:47,170 --> 00:03:49,930
That's a very proud
tradition in our family.
91
00:03:50,030 --> 00:03:52,870
That's right, Joe.
Our great-great Uncle Alvaro
92
00:03:52,970 --> 00:03:55,070
was a famous South
American freedom fighter.
93
00:03:55,170 --> 00:03:58,310
You're kidding? My Great Uncle
Erasmus was a hero at the Alamo.
94
00:03:58,410 --> 00:04:01,410
We're four sentences away from
realizing they killed each other, right?
95
00:04:01,510 --> 00:04:05,050
Joe, next week, you have to go
to school dressed as a hero.
96
00:04:05,150 --> 00:04:07,180
Why don't you dress as Uncle Alvaro?
97
00:04:07,290 --> 00:04:08,750
Or Uncle Erasmus.
98
00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:10,820
Ay, Jay, that's cute,
99
00:04:10,920 --> 00:04:13,790
but Alvaro was not only a war hero.
100
00:04:13,890 --> 00:04:16,260
He was a celebrated matador,
101
00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:18,830
Frida Kahlo's tango instructor,
102
00:04:18,930 --> 00:04:24,200
two-time winner of the Bogota
Herald cartoon caption contest.
103
00:04:24,300 --> 00:04:26,300
No disrespect,
but I don't think he was fit to shine
104
00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:28,340
Erasmus J. Pritchett's boots,
105
00:04:28,440 --> 00:04:32,310
which, incidentally,
were made by a 9-foot Texas diamondback
106
00:04:32,410 --> 00:04:35,980
he stomped to death while
arm-wrestling Davy Crockett.
107
00:04:36,080 --> 00:04:37,880
Did he kill all his clothes?
108
00:04:37,980 --> 00:04:40,120
He sure did. Come upstairs.
I'll show you.
109
00:04:40,220 --> 00:04:42,280
I got a ring of his with a tooth in it
110
00:04:42,390 --> 00:04:44,090
he punched out of a puma.
111
00:04:45,390 --> 00:04:46,590
Jay does this all the time.
112
00:04:46,690 --> 00:04:49,060
He disrespects our heritage
and inflates his own.
113
00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:51,560
I mean, I'm not buying this
Uncle Erasmus guy at all.
114
00:04:51,660 --> 00:04:52,960
I say we do a little digging.
115
00:04:53,060 --> 00:04:56,870
Yes! We can be like Inspector Tortuga,
116
00:04:56,970 --> 00:05:01,200
the turtle detective in Uncle
Alvaro's popular children's book.
117
00:05:01,310 --> 00:05:05,880
He was always very
slowly solving crimes.
118
00:05:05,980 --> 00:05:09,410
Turns out Jay's Uncle Erasmus
did live in Texas in the 1830s,
119
00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:10,680
but not much was written about him.
120
00:05:17,290 --> 00:05:18,850
- Gretchen.
- Manuel.
121
00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:20,060
Again, I'm so sorry abou...
122
00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:21,920
You'll have to return
these within two weeks.
123
00:05:22,030 --> 00:05:24,630
Unlike my phone calls!
124
00:05:24,730 --> 00:05:26,160
Señor.
125
00:05:26,230 --> 00:05:30,700
We had to dig deeper, and since
history is written by the victors...
126
00:05:32,840 --> 00:05:34,400
Muchas gracias.
127
00:05:34,470 --> 00:05:36,410
I brought my own.
128
00:05:37,220 --> 00:05:39,090
Mexican sources had a bit more to say
129
00:05:39,160 --> 00:05:41,750
about his actual involvement
in the Alamo.
130
00:05:45,650 --> 00:05:47,950
- Okay.
- Oh, really?
131
00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:50,570
You want to give away the
very first Gucci hoodie
132
00:05:50,640 --> 00:05:52,870
- I ever bought our daughter?
- Okay, "first Gucci"
133
00:05:52,940 --> 00:05:55,310
is why our retirement
planner fired us as clients.
134
00:05:55,380 --> 00:05:57,610
Also, Haley and Dylan
are having twins, okay?
135
00:05:57,680 --> 00:05:58,940
- They really need this stuff.
- I know.
136
00:05:59,010 --> 00:06:01,350
I-I-I still can't
believe she's pregnant.
137
00:06:01,450 --> 00:06:03,280
- Although...
- I know you're about to say something catty.
138
00:06:03,350 --> 00:06:04,350
You're practically purring.
139
00:06:04,420 --> 00:06:07,150
Wasn't Claire a bit "fun" in her 20s?
140
00:06:07,220 --> 00:06:08,850
You know, we have a saying back home...
141
00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:11,560
"The crawdad don't skitter
far from its crick."
142
00:06:11,620 --> 00:06:13,090
Okay, you're clutching a
Dolce & Gabbana onesie...
143
00:06:13,190 --> 00:06:14,390
decide who you are.
144
00:06:14,460 --> 00:06:16,090
And, by the way,
it's not like your family
145
00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:17,960
doesn't have a wayward streak, okay?
146
00:06:18,060 --> 00:06:19,920
Pam's not exactly responsible.
147
00:06:19,930 --> 00:06:22,100
Oh, I'm sorry.
Could an irresponsible woman
148
00:06:22,170 --> 00:06:24,140
win her prison's
"Most Improved Wrestler" award?
149
00:06:24,240 --> 00:06:25,340
Okay, let's just admit
150
00:06:25,410 --> 00:06:27,540
we have wild women on
both sides of the family.
151
00:06:28,740 --> 00:06:31,880
Oh, God. Maybe it's good
Lily wasn't saddled with those genes.
152
00:06:31,940 --> 00:06:33,240
She sure wasn't. If anything,
153
00:06:33,350 --> 00:06:35,690
I'm worried she acts a
little young for her age.
154
00:06:35,780 --> 00:06:38,220
I mean, isn't 11 a little too old
155
00:06:38,320 --> 00:06:40,620
for these unicorns
and teddy bears and...
156
00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:43,250
My... Playgirl?
157
00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:44,960
Oh! Oh, God.
158
00:06:45,060 --> 00:06:46,260
Where... Where did she get that?
159
00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:48,560
I didn't even know
they still made these.
160
00:06:48,660 --> 00:06:50,990
Although it's heartening print
media isn't completely dead.
161
00:06:51,100 --> 00:06:52,160
Okay, you're getting off track.
162
00:06:52,260 --> 00:06:54,260
Our daughter is looking
at naked men.
163
00:06:54,370 --> 00:06:56,030
I know. We're gonna have
to talk to her about it.
164
00:06:56,140 --> 00:06:59,240
You know, my parents never talked to me
about anything sexual.
165
00:06:59,340 --> 00:07:02,810
They just sent me to the stables
when the horses were breeding,
166
00:07:02,910 --> 00:07:05,810
and wow, did that create some
unreasonable expectations.
167
00:07:10,410 --> 00:07:12,520
No way! Who told her that?
168
00:07:12,630 --> 00:07:14,460
She... Uh-oh.
169
00:07:14,530 --> 00:07:16,900
The dads have their faces on.
See you at the sleepover.
170
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:18,560
Hey!
171
00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:20,400
So, listen, we need
to talk to you about something.
172
00:07:20,470 --> 00:07:21,800
We, uh... We found a...
173
00:07:21,870 --> 00:07:23,270
- a magazine in your room.
- Whoa!
174
00:07:24,010 --> 00:07:25,600
There's nothing to be embarrassed about.
175
00:07:25,640 --> 00:07:27,340
Oh, God, no, not at all.
You're... You're going through
176
00:07:27,410 --> 00:07:29,470
a very exciting period of... of change
177
00:07:29,540 --> 00:07:32,140
- and... and hormones. And... And...
- And, um, urges.
178
00:07:32,250 --> 00:07:33,280
Got it. Solid parenting.
179
00:07:33,350 --> 00:07:34,280
- See you tomorrow.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
180
00:07:34,350 --> 00:07:35,450
- No, no, no.
- Sweetheart. Come on.
181
00:07:36,270 --> 00:07:37,900
I-I-I know this is uncomfortable, but...
182
00:07:37,970 --> 00:07:41,440
You shouldn't be ashamed about
wondering or being curious about sex.
183
00:07:41,500 --> 00:07:43,470
You know, the mingling of bodies
184
00:07:43,540 --> 00:07:45,740
can be a beautiful expression of love.
185
00:07:45,780 --> 00:07:48,210
Stop! They have classes
about this in school,
186
00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:49,880
and if you don't want me
looking at magazines like that,
187
00:07:49,950 --> 00:07:52,080
don't leave them on the sofa!
188
00:07:52,180 --> 00:07:53,750
The sofa? How did...
189
00:07:53,820 --> 00:07:55,050
- How did it get on the sofa?
- I don't know.
190
00:07:55,150 --> 00:07:56,920
I don't... Ah, the babysitter.
191
00:07:56,950 --> 00:07:59,220
Or, you know, Haley, or...
or Pam, or Claire.
192
00:08:00,260 --> 00:08:02,390
We were just talking about
how perverted they are.
193
00:08:02,460 --> 00:08:04,960
Wait a minute. This is from 1997.
194
00:08:06,260 --> 00:08:08,700
And David Duchovny's on the cover.
195
00:08:08,760 --> 00:08:11,530
Didn't you have a thing
for David Duchovny?
196
00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:13,830
Why... Wha...
I don't even know who that is.
197
00:08:14,650 --> 00:08:17,040
He was on the...
you know, the cheesy sci-fi show,
198
00:08:17,110 --> 00:08:19,940
the, uh... What was it?
"The X-Files" or something?
199
00:08:20,010 --> 00:08:22,510
You know,
kind of a dumbed-down "Men in Black"?
200
00:08:23,330 --> 00:08:24,530
They had that saying, you know?
201
00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:26,730
Saying was, "The truth is... up there"?
202
00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:28,530
You know damn well it's
"The truth is out there"!
203
00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:30,130
Don't... Don't you crinkle it.
204
00:08:30,200 --> 00:08:32,430
Why do you have a 20-year-old nudie mag?
205
00:08:32,500 --> 00:08:33,970
Agent Mulder meant a lot to me, okay?
206
00:08:34,070 --> 00:08:35,740
He was brooding and handsome
207
00:08:35,810 --> 00:08:38,340
and obsessed with an
uptight yet sexy redhead.
208
00:08:38,410 --> 00:08:40,080
Yeah, well, guess what.
You wouldn't have had a chance
209
00:08:40,140 --> 00:08:41,540
with David Duchovny because, look.
210
00:08:41,650 --> 00:08:44,380
One of his turn-offs
is "dishonest people."
211
00:08:45,220 --> 00:08:47,650
And why is it just
lying around the house?
212
00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:50,350
I was bringing the trash bins
into the garage the other day,
213
00:08:50,420 --> 00:08:52,520
and I noticed an old box of my stuff.
214
00:08:52,590 --> 00:08:55,060
I got nostalgic,
and I decided to flip through it.
215
00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:57,160
- Wait, garbage day? L-Last Wednesday?
- Yeah.
216
00:08:57,260 --> 00:08:59,160
The day we opened the bottle of Merlot,
217
00:08:59,260 --> 00:09:02,160
took it back to the bedroom,
and had a rather spectacular... session?
218
00:09:02,770 --> 00:09:04,630
- Uh, was it that night?
- Oh, please,
219
00:09:04,700 --> 00:09:06,500
it was the first time in
years I'd seen your eyes
220
00:09:06,570 --> 00:09:08,000
roll back in your head without irony.
221
00:09:08,070 --> 00:09:09,700
Well, excuse me
if I am attracted to you.
222
00:09:10,020 --> 00:09:12,120
Except it wasn't just me, was it?
223
00:09:12,190 --> 00:09:13,560
There were three of us in that bed.
224
00:09:13,630 --> 00:09:15,330
I sent you a dozen roses the next day.
225
00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:18,130
Apparently,
I should've sent six to David Duchovny.
226
00:09:18,230 --> 00:09:19,560
Oh, come on!
227
00:09:19,670 --> 00:09:22,900
So what? I got a little extra worked
up after looking at a sexy picture.
228
00:09:22,970 --> 00:09:24,300
People do it all the time.
229
00:09:24,340 --> 00:09:27,040
Pepper said it's the only reason
he buys Brawny paper towels.
230
00:09:27,110 --> 00:09:29,270
So, I guess I'm weird for
wanting to purely connect
231
00:09:29,340 --> 00:09:31,880
with you on an emotional level.
232
00:09:32,440 --> 00:09:34,140
Know what? I'm going to the gym.
233
00:09:34,250 --> 00:09:35,950
And good news, David Duchovny.
234
00:09:36,020 --> 00:09:37,880
You're not gonna be alone
on the sofa tonight.
235
00:09:42,020 --> 00:09:43,620
Can you please hand me my iPod?
236
00:09:43,690 --> 00:09:44,920
You've robbed me of my dignity.
237
00:09:44,990 --> 00:09:47,590
You will not also rob
me of my glorious exit.
238
00:09:47,690 --> 00:09:48,960
Thank you!
239
00:09:51,560 --> 00:09:52,730
There you go, buddy.
240
00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:54,700
Now you look like a real hero.
241
00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:57,270
I don't think I'm allowed
to bring a knife to school.
242
00:09:57,340 --> 00:09:58,500
It's not sharp at all.
243
00:09:58,570 --> 00:10:00,570
And neither, apparently, are you.
244
00:10:00,670 --> 00:10:03,270
I told you if we waited a few minutes
he'd give us a delicious segue.
245
00:10:03,340 --> 00:10:07,540
Your uncle Erasmus Pritchett
was a hero at the Alamo...
246
00:10:07,610 --> 00:10:09,110
but for the other side.
247
00:10:09,180 --> 00:10:10,880
Yeah, he hid in a closet
during the fighting,
248
00:10:10,980 --> 00:10:13,820
then stole a dress and escaped
by pretending to be a prostitute.
249
00:10:14,140 --> 00:10:15,500
What?! I don't believe you.
250
00:10:15,570 --> 00:10:17,740
These are official church documents.
251
00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:21,270
In this part,
it says that he traded military secrets
252
00:10:21,340 --> 00:10:23,010
for rum and a new corset.
253
00:10:23,330 --> 00:10:25,790
"To this day,
in Nuevo Laredo, 'to Erasmus'
254
00:10:25,860 --> 00:10:28,060
means 'to cry facedown on the ground.'"
255
00:10:28,130 --> 00:10:30,570
There's a picture of him cringing.
256
00:10:31,940 --> 00:10:34,970
I can't believe I named
my lizard Erasmus.
257
00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:36,790
It was wartime, Joe!
258
00:10:36,860 --> 00:10:39,830
We can't judge a man who has
lived through that kind of hell.
259
00:10:39,930 --> 00:10:43,230
He spent his post-war years spreading
the gospel of vegetarianism.
260
00:10:43,330 --> 00:10:44,900
I have no uncle.
261
00:10:47,990 --> 00:10:50,020
- Oh.
- This homeopathic remedy
262
00:10:50,090 --> 00:10:52,450
is really gonna help Haley
with morning sickness.
263
00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:53,990
- Uh-huh.
- I got the recipe from a doula
264
00:10:54,090 --> 00:10:55,490
I met in an Uber pool.
265
00:10:55,560 --> 00:10:56,660
Well, you were right about one thing.
266
00:10:56,730 --> 00:11:00,260
It does... It does smell like a
buffalo that was struck by lightning.
267
00:11:00,330 --> 00:11:02,030
When... When are you heading
back up to Oregon?
268
00:11:02,130 --> 00:11:04,000
Oh, I'm done with that place.
269
00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:05,800
Oldest story in the world.
270
00:11:05,870 --> 00:11:08,300
You know, I thought I found a nice guy,
then one morning,
271
00:11:08,370 --> 00:11:10,140
he up and tells me he's
found six new women.
272
00:11:10,240 --> 00:11:12,670
- Mm.
- I'm done with Bhagwans.
273
00:11:12,740 --> 00:11:14,840
Coming back as Dylan's mother?
274
00:11:14,940 --> 00:11:16,680
Not funny, Mom.
275
00:11:16,750 --> 00:11:18,380
Not funny at all!
276
00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:21,550
Buddy, are you sure you're okay?
277
00:11:21,620 --> 00:11:22,850
Trust me, I'm a nurse.
278
00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:25,250
By now there'd be clear
signs if I had a concursion.
279
00:11:29,460 --> 00:11:31,030
Gosh, your mom looks familiar.
280
00:11:31,130 --> 00:11:32,730
She used to do a little modeling.
281
00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:34,190
Recently, she had her likeness stolen
282
00:11:34,260 --> 00:11:36,430
for one of those
"Freeze-the-Fat" billboards.
283
00:11:41,150 --> 00:11:45,990
Dylan's Mom was the hot chick
in the "Sex Kitty" music video.
284
00:11:46,610 --> 00:11:48,460
♪ Sex kitty ♪
285
00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:51,190
♪ Sexy kitty ♪
286
00:11:51,260 --> 00:11:53,200
♪ Sex kitty ♪
287
00:11:53,300 --> 00:11:54,210
♪ Se... ♪
288
00:11:54,970 --> 00:11:56,230
The songwriting isn't perfect,
289
00:11:56,300 --> 00:11:59,870
but this video changed everything.
290
00:11:59,940 --> 00:12:01,640
♪ Ow! ♪
291
00:12:01,740 --> 00:12:03,840
♪ Sex kitty, se... ♪
292
00:12:04,410 --> 00:12:07,010
Those bikes don't live there, do they?
293
00:12:07,110 --> 00:12:09,280
'Cause that is an
ideal north-facing spot
294
00:12:09,350 --> 00:12:10,850
for a birthing tub.
295
00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:13,950
I wasn't aware that Haley
was considering a home birth.
296
00:12:14,020 --> 00:12:16,220
Oh, I wasn't,
but then Farrah really opened up my eyes
297
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:18,420
to the birth-industrial complex.
298
00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:21,820
You know, this room is kind of
vibrating with ancient wounds.
299
00:12:21,890 --> 00:12:24,030
- Let's sage the area.
- Okay.
300
00:12:24,130 --> 00:12:26,200
Dylan, honey,
do you think you could grab that fan
301
00:12:26,260 --> 00:12:28,100
and maybe de-funk the kitchen a little?
302
00:12:28,170 --> 00:12:30,170
Oh, my God.
303
00:12:30,270 --> 00:12:33,270
Is, uh... Is Dylan's mom
at all familiar to you?
304
00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:36,440
Yes! Thank God you noticed it, too.
305
00:12:36,510 --> 00:12:39,210
I can't believe that is gonna be
in our life on a regular basis.
306
00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:41,210
I know.
She's been driving me kind of crazy
307
00:12:41,280 --> 00:12:42,710
since I was a kid.
308
00:12:42,780 --> 00:12:44,110
Do you know how many
nights I went to bed
309
00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:46,420
screaming her name into a pillow?
310
00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:47,480
Go on.
311
00:12:49,470 --> 00:12:52,000
- She broke it!
- No, you broke it!
312
00:12:52,070 --> 00:12:54,410
Girls, it's fine! Also, who are you?
313
00:12:54,470 --> 00:12:56,240
Oh, I get my stepdaughters once a month
314
00:12:56,280 --> 00:12:58,740
when my ex-wife's on rotation
with the National Guard.
315
00:12:58,850 --> 00:13:01,080
- Mm.
- Girls, be careful with the chinchilla, okay?
316
00:13:01,150 --> 00:13:02,650
You know he has a nervous bowel.
317
00:13:02,750 --> 00:13:04,920
- Hi, girls!
- Gammy!
318
00:13:05,020 --> 00:13:06,550
Gammy?
319
00:13:06,620 --> 00:13:07,720
The girls call you Gammy?
320
00:13:07,790 --> 00:13:10,790
That's funny, because I was hoping
when Haley's twins came along,
321
00:13:10,860 --> 00:13:12,520
they might call me that.
322
00:13:12,590 --> 00:13:14,330
Oh, well, that might be confusing.
323
00:13:14,390 --> 00:13:15,990
- But maybe you could be something else.
- Hm.
324
00:13:16,560 --> 00:13:18,560
- How about "Gaga"?
- Maybe we don't have to lock
325
00:13:18,660 --> 00:13:19,800
anything down right now.
326
00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:22,030
Oh, my God. I love it!
327
00:13:22,140 --> 00:13:23,330
Hey, Gaga!
328
00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:26,200
- Squeaker's loose! Get him!
- Aah!
329
00:13:28,440 --> 00:13:29,640
I'll get him!
330
00:13:33,980 --> 00:13:35,410
- Do you see it, Phil?
- What?!
331
00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:36,880
No, I didn't see anything, so...
332
00:13:36,980 --> 00:13:38,250
- Aah!
- Oh!
333
00:13:38,350 --> 00:13:40,550
- Ooh!
- I'm so sorry, D!
334
00:13:40,650 --> 00:13:41,750
If you weren't my hero,
335
00:13:41,850 --> 00:13:43,490
I'd wonder if you're
doing this on purpose!
336
00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:45,170
Oh, my God, Dad!
337
00:13:45,270 --> 00:13:46,810
What's wrong with him, Mom?
338
00:13:46,910 --> 00:13:49,140
- Mom?
- Claire?
339
00:13:49,250 --> 00:13:51,580
Gaga?
340
00:13:56,050 --> 00:13:57,910
Hey, handsome, this seat taken?
341
00:13:58,020 --> 00:13:59,080
Hey, what are you doing here?
342
00:13:59,150 --> 00:14:00,750
Well, I brought you a smoothie,
although,
343
00:14:00,850 --> 00:14:05,150
you don't need it because you're
already 100% fruity deliciousness.
344
00:14:05,470 --> 00:14:06,510
Maybe I just get right to it.
345
00:14:06,570 --> 00:14:08,440
Look, Mitchell,
I appreciate what you're doing...
346
00:14:08,510 --> 00:14:09,640
No, no, listen.
347
00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:10,980
Lily's at a sleepover tonight,
348
00:14:11,080 --> 00:14:15,310
so I got us a suite
at Whispers Resort and Spa.
349
00:14:15,380 --> 00:14:16,920
Isn't that the place,
uh, Jen Aniston goes to
350
00:14:16,980 --> 00:14:18,380
- after her divorces?
- Yes.
351
00:14:18,700 --> 00:14:21,170
And I'm sorry about the
silly Playgirl thing.
352
00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:23,410
I-I want you to feel
what I feel every day.
353
00:14:23,470 --> 00:14:25,710
That you only have eyes for me.
354
00:14:28,140 --> 00:14:30,610
Call me old-fashioned.
I just don't see other men.
355
00:14:32,050 --> 00:14:33,950
Sweetie, your...
your heart rate's setting off an alarm.
356
00:14:34,050 --> 00:14:35,080
Why... Why don't you get off that bike?
357
00:14:35,150 --> 00:14:36,520
Yeah, that's a good idea. You know what?
358
00:14:36,590 --> 00:14:38,090
Why don't we go to the spa,
see if we can get an early treatment?
359
00:14:38,190 --> 00:14:39,190
I love that.
360
00:14:39,290 --> 00:14:41,490
Oh, smoothie.
361
00:14:41,590 --> 00:14:43,190
Okay.
362
00:14:43,260 --> 00:14:44,830
Hey, you're... you're really sweating.
363
00:14:44,890 --> 00:14:46,190
You should get a towel.
364
00:14:49,730 --> 00:14:50,970
Okay, you're acting weird.
365
00:14:51,030 --> 00:14:53,830
- What's going on?
- Okay, look, I just...
366
00:14:53,940 --> 00:14:56,400
Um, I'm excited about that hotel.
367
00:14:56,510 --> 00:14:58,270
I mean, there's a lot
of Hollywood history there.
368
00:14:58,340 --> 00:15:00,470
You know, they say the Little Rascals
369
00:15:00,540 --> 00:15:01,940
used to have orgies there.
370
00:15:02,040 --> 00:15:02,970
Ah.
371
00:15:03,450 --> 00:15:04,750
Hey, Cam!
372
00:15:04,810 --> 00:15:07,750
I almost forgot the homemade
protein bars you brought for us!
373
00:15:07,820 --> 00:15:08,650
Well, I'll see you next time!
374
00:15:08,750 --> 00:15:10,480
Yeah! Who is that?
375
00:15:10,550 --> 00:15:13,520
Wow, that's an interesting view.
376
00:15:14,090 --> 00:15:15,220
What? It's a parking lot.
377
00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:16,590
- There's a Dumpster.
- Oh, please. Come on.
378
00:15:16,660 --> 00:15:18,260
You picked this bike so you
could have a front-row seat
379
00:15:18,360 --> 00:15:19,330
to this little peep sho...
380
00:15:19,430 --> 00:15:21,730
Oh! Oh, my God.
381
00:15:21,830 --> 00:15:24,900
That night of our "spectacular session,"
you had just come from the gym.
382
00:15:25,470 --> 00:15:28,430
Well, I-I wonder what got
your engine so revved up, huh?
383
00:15:28,500 --> 00:15:30,370
The truth is out there!
384
00:15:30,720 --> 00:15:31,750
Okay, you know what?
385
00:15:31,860 --> 00:15:32,790
I'm weak, okay?
386
00:15:32,890 --> 00:15:36,030
I can't believe you shamed
me for looking at a magazine
387
00:15:36,130 --> 00:15:37,890
when you've been baking protein bars
388
00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:40,160
- for Thunder from Down Under!
- Maybe that's why.
389
00:15:40,230 --> 00:15:42,130
It's because I-I felt guilty about this.
390
00:15:42,230 --> 00:15:43,700
Well, don't, okay?
391
00:15:43,800 --> 00:15:47,940
We are allowed to look at other men
without feeling guilty about it.
392
00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:53,380
And... And if it inspires you,
then go for it,
393
00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:54,880
because at the end of the day,
394
00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:57,450
I'm the one who gets
to reap the rewards.
395
00:15:58,850 --> 00:16:00,650
That's true. Okay. Look, I'm sorry.
396
00:16:00,750 --> 00:16:01,750
Let's just get out of here.
397
00:16:01,850 --> 00:16:03,890
Oh, now? Okay.
398
00:16:03,950 --> 00:16:05,450
Oh.
399
00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:06,420
Maybe I should join this gym.
400
00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:07,760
No, stick to your vintage nudie mags.
401
00:16:07,830 --> 00:16:09,490
This is mine.
402
00:16:09,590 --> 00:16:10,860
- What's his name?
- Chuck.
403
00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:11,930
Oh, Chuck.
404
00:16:13,630 --> 00:16:15,260
Oh, Joe, so adorable,
405
00:16:15,330 --> 00:16:17,630
you look like a little Uncle Alvaro!
406
00:16:17,700 --> 00:16:19,730
One last touch... the pocket watch,
407
00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:21,270
permanently broken at 3:30
408
00:16:21,340 --> 00:16:23,410
after it stopped a bullet
shot by a very drunk
409
00:16:23,510 --> 00:16:25,470
and jealous Florence Nightingale.
410
00:16:25,540 --> 00:16:26,940
Maybe it was sour grapes,
411
00:16:27,010 --> 00:16:30,250
but this guy was starting
to sound like baloney.
412
00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:33,060
I was sure that if I
left no stone unturned,
413
00:16:33,170 --> 00:16:35,030
eventually, one day,
414
00:16:35,100 --> 00:16:38,240
I'd find some dirt on
Great Uncle Alvaro.
415
00:16:38,310 --> 00:16:39,570
I knew it!
416
00:16:39,670 --> 00:16:44,040
Simón Francisco Alvaro
would go from town to town,
417
00:16:44,140 --> 00:16:45,940
seducing wealthy widows
418
00:16:46,010 --> 00:16:49,280
with made-up stories of
his bravery in battle.
419
00:16:49,350 --> 00:16:52,620
After frittering away their
fortunes on drink and dice,
420
00:16:52,690 --> 00:16:56,190
he would move on,
leaving his victims with nothing
421
00:16:56,260 --> 00:16:58,520
but a single red rose...
422
00:16:58,590 --> 00:16:59,790
and syphilis.
423
00:17:00,360 --> 00:17:02,630
Who's up for a little history lesson?
424
00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:04,500
- It seems...
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
425
00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:06,230
Do it again.
426
00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:09,300
The yoke of Spanish oppression
427
00:17:09,370 --> 00:17:12,740
will chafe Colombian
shoulders no longer!
428
00:17:12,840 --> 00:17:15,770
My saber thirsts for European blood!
429
00:17:15,870 --> 00:17:18,040
- So cute!
- Bravo!
430
00:17:18,110 --> 00:17:21,410
He looked it up and
memorized it himself.
431
00:17:21,980 --> 00:17:23,780
Hey, Dad. You know how kids tease me
432
00:17:23,850 --> 00:17:25,720
'cause I'm the shortest
kid in the class?
433
00:17:25,820 --> 00:17:27,320
Oh, don't listen to what they say!
434
00:17:27,390 --> 00:17:30,890
Right! Uncle Alvaro
was only five feet tall
435
00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:32,890
and he led a whole army!
436
00:17:32,990 --> 00:17:35,260
I'm gonna be brave like him.
437
00:17:37,030 --> 00:17:40,160
Viva Uncle Alvaro.
438
00:17:40,230 --> 00:17:43,330
I enjoyed a lot of years
taking pride in my great uncle.
439
00:17:43,430 --> 00:17:45,570
I didn't want to rob Joe of that.
440
00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:47,440
It wasn't easy biting my tongue,
441
00:17:47,540 --> 00:17:50,310
but I took a page from
another heroic relative...
442
00:17:50,410 --> 00:17:52,440
Lulach McPritchett...
443
00:17:52,510 --> 00:17:55,710
proud Scottish warrior,
captured by the English,
444
00:17:55,780 --> 00:17:59,220
tortured for months using
every method imaginable,
445
00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:02,820
and never once giving
up a single secret.
446
00:18:02,920 --> 00:18:04,350
Don't look him up.
447
00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:14,930
Signora, why so sad?
448
00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:17,930
Let me see that big macaroni smile, ah?
449
00:18:18,040 --> 00:18:19,430
How did you find me?
450
00:18:19,540 --> 00:18:21,470
Antonio called and said
451
00:18:21,570 --> 00:18:23,310
you'd ordered a flaming Sambuca...
452
00:18:23,370 --> 00:18:24,840
...and just watched it burn.
453
00:18:24,940 --> 00:18:27,280
Mm-hmm.
454
00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:29,340
It's all just going too fast.
455
00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:30,910
Five months ago,
456
00:18:31,010 --> 00:18:32,350
Haley got back together with Dylan.
457
00:18:32,420 --> 00:18:35,150
Then my mom dies. Then Haley's pregnant.
458
00:18:35,220 --> 00:18:36,480
Then it's twins.
459
00:18:36,590 --> 00:18:39,090
Then, "Come move in with us
this summer" turns into
460
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:41,790
"Ding-dong, we're here
with an early preview of twins
461
00:18:41,890 --> 00:18:43,390
and an incontinent chinchilla,
462
00:18:43,460 --> 00:18:45,960
and, in the most terrifying
return since Freddy Krueger
463
00:18:46,030 --> 00:18:48,000
sashayed his way back onto Elm Street,
464
00:18:48,100 --> 00:18:52,330
my mother reincarnated
into the body of Farrah."
465
00:18:53,090 --> 00:18:54,440
Oh...
466
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:57,410
How...
How are you handling this all so well?
467
00:18:57,510 --> 00:18:58,770
Who says I am?
468
00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:02,610
I had to get out of there,
or I was gonna make Haley a single mom.
469
00:19:02,710 --> 00:19:04,310
I hit Dylan again, Claire.
470
00:19:04,380 --> 00:19:06,850
- But not on purpose.
- Are we sure?
471
00:19:06,950 --> 00:19:09,450
You mean, like,
you might have some buried anger
472
00:19:09,550 --> 00:19:12,290
towards him stealing
away your baby girl?
473
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:14,760
Oh, I so want it to be on purpose.
474
00:19:14,860 --> 00:19:16,690
Gets lonely out here on crazy island.
475
00:19:18,430 --> 00:19:20,760
Oh, well,
476
00:19:20,830 --> 00:19:23,200
we still have Italy.
477
00:19:23,300 --> 00:19:24,570
Do we?
478
00:19:25,130 --> 00:19:27,430
Listen, I've been doing
some research on twins,
479
00:19:27,540 --> 00:19:30,100
and it seems that,
like our daughter, they...
480
00:19:30,170 --> 00:19:31,140
they tend to come early.
481
00:19:31,690 --> 00:19:33,540
Even if it's a 1-in-10 chance,
482
00:19:33,610 --> 00:19:37,280
I can't risk having the
only maternal figure present
483
00:19:37,350 --> 00:19:40,050
be that tub-birthing Wiccan.
484
00:19:40,150 --> 00:19:42,220
I got to be there for Haley.
485
00:19:42,820 --> 00:19:44,250
It's overwhelming for sure,
486
00:19:44,350 --> 00:19:47,750
but haven't a ton of our best memories
487
00:19:47,860 --> 00:19:50,620
come from the anarchy of our house?
488
00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:53,690
Like when Luke got his
head stuck in the banister?
489
00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:55,020
Which time?
490
00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:57,860
Or when...
when Alex's science fair project
491
00:19:57,970 --> 00:20:01,390
blacked out the whole neighborhood
during the Super Bowl?
492
00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:02,800
Or when, uh,
493
00:20:02,900 --> 00:20:04,240
Haley snuck in Luke's window
494
00:20:04,310 --> 00:20:06,270
- the same week we bought him a slingshot?
- Oh, God.
495
00:20:06,380 --> 00:20:08,040
That was... Mm.
496
00:20:08,140 --> 00:20:10,210
So, it's a-a madhouse,
497
00:20:10,310 --> 00:20:12,680
but on the other hand,
498
00:20:12,780 --> 00:20:14,610
we're gonna have a couple
babies in the house,
499
00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:16,850
and they'll be Haley and Dylan's.
500
00:20:16,950 --> 00:20:19,590
- Mm-hmm.
- So they'll be doing funny stuff.
501
00:20:22,660 --> 00:20:24,620
So...
502
00:20:24,730 --> 00:20:27,090
looks like we are going on a trip?
503
00:20:46,420 --> 00:20:48,220
- Gretchen.
- Manuel.
504
00:20:48,320 --> 00:20:50,890
Look, I really am sorry
about the way things ended...
505
00:20:50,990 --> 00:20:52,060
That chapter is closed.
506
00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:53,960
We have a strictly
business relationship now.
507
00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:57,700
Did you enjoy this book,
or did you find your eyes
508
00:20:57,800 --> 00:21:00,130
drifting toward a shorter Jewish one?
509
00:21:00,230 --> 00:21:02,500
Okay, Shoshana and I are over.
510
00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:04,100
It was beyond hurtful
that you found a woman
511
00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:06,540
whose name has two "shhh" sounds in it.
512
00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:08,010
Clearly, you're still upset
513
00:21:08,070 --> 00:21:10,940
and there's no hope
for reconciliation, so...
514
00:21:11,040 --> 00:21:12,500
I'll just say goodbye
and hope you'll allow me
515
00:21:12,610 --> 00:21:15,110
to play myself off with our song.
516
00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:19,810
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
517
00:21:19,910 --> 00:21:21,560
♪ Ow! ♪
518
00:21:29,350 --> 00:21:31,400
== resynced by Brach_Movic aka GilangPC ==