1 00:00:03,164 --> 00:00:04,734 Merry Christmas Eve, Alex. 2 00:00:04,759 --> 00:00:06,359 So, he's still alive... 3 00:00:06,424 --> 00:00:08,875 Must mean you haven't told Mom you're pregnant yet. 4 00:00:08,940 --> 00:00:11,398 We want to be careful to do it right. 5 00:00:11,463 --> 00:00:13,289 Now you're being careful? 6 00:00:13,354 --> 00:00:14,953 I can't keep this secret anymore. 7 00:00:15,018 --> 00:00:16,031 Look at me! 8 00:00:16,096 --> 00:00:18,008 Ugh. She's going gray. 9 00:00:18,073 --> 00:00:19,344 Oh my God, she is! 10 00:00:19,409 --> 00:00:20,937 I was just gasping at the haircut. 11 00:00:21,002 --> 00:00:22,273 Apparently, 12 00:00:22,338 --> 00:00:24,545 this is what happens when I feel stress now. 13 00:00:24,611 --> 00:00:26,570 Well, we're telling them today, okay? 14 00:00:26,635 --> 00:00:28,125 That way, if Mom freaks, 15 00:00:28,190 --> 00:00:30,680 she'll have 10 days in Bermuda to calm down. 16 00:00:30,745 --> 00:00:32,383 Okay, then go now! 17 00:00:32,448 --> 00:00:34,461 She's never in a better mood than on Christmas Eve. 18 00:00:34,526 --> 00:00:36,086 Wait, is this a good way to tell her? 19 00:00:36,151 --> 00:00:38,116 We hang a stocking for "Grandma Claire," 20 00:00:38,181 --> 00:00:39,765 and when she goes, "I'm not a grandma," 21 00:00:39,830 --> 00:00:42,404 we go, "Tell that to Haley and my's baby." 22 00:00:43,549 --> 00:00:46,115 Promise me you won't home school this kid. 23 00:00:47,284 --> 00:00:49,125 Hey, Mom. What are you doing? 24 00:00:49,190 --> 00:00:52,577 Ugh, Christmas cards are just clutter. 25 00:00:52,642 --> 00:00:53,672 Wa-Wa-Wa-Wait. 26 00:00:53,737 --> 00:00:55,485 You can't throw away Uncle Cam's card. 27 00:00:55,551 --> 00:00:58,356 You know how sensitive he gets about his piano placement. 28 00:00:58,485 --> 00:01:00,668 Remember that one year where his card 29 00:01:00,733 --> 00:01:03,093 was slightly behind the one from our old babysitter? 30 00:01:03,158 --> 00:01:05,176 Mm, I believe he spoke the charming phrase, 31 00:01:05,241 --> 00:01:06,628 "And who is this whore?" 32 00:01:06,771 --> 00:01:09,007 Well, Christmas is at Grandpa's this year, 33 00:01:09,081 --> 00:01:11,326 so Cam will never see it. 34 00:01:12,297 --> 00:01:14,061 Check out the sledding polar bear paper. 35 00:01:14,149 --> 00:01:16,050 Can't look at that and not be in a good mood, huh? 36 00:01:16,115 --> 00:01:18,625 - Yeah. - I am so sick of that stuff. 37 00:01:18,690 --> 00:01:21,471 I ordered five rolls from some kid for a school drive. 38 00:01:21,536 --> 00:01:24,109 He shows up with fifty... his fault. 39 00:01:24,174 --> 00:01:25,537 Kid bursts into tears. 40 00:01:25,624 --> 00:01:27,437 Like it's on me that he can't count? 41 00:01:27,502 --> 00:01:29,764 - I was six, Mom. - Mm. 42 00:01:31,903 --> 00:01:34,240 Bermuda just gets it... 43 00:01:34,506 --> 00:01:36,306 formal yet casual. 44 00:01:36,371 --> 00:01:38,350 And home of the most perfectly tanned 45 00:01:38,415 --> 00:01:40,704 lower thigh, upper knee region in the world. 46 00:01:40,774 --> 00:01:43,087 Not hard to pick out a Bermudan in a locker room. 47 00:01:43,152 --> 00:01:45,053 No. Oh, hang on. 48 00:01:45,940 --> 00:01:46,940 Wait. 49 00:01:47,018 --> 00:01:48,117 Well, this can't be right. 50 00:01:48,182 --> 00:01:50,133 This itinerary says we're on four flights 51 00:01:50,198 --> 00:01:51,468 with three layovers. 52 00:01:51,533 --> 00:01:52,601 Oh, yeah, um... 53 00:01:52,666 --> 00:01:55,086 remember how I found that amazing airline deal online? 54 00:01:55,151 --> 00:01:56,758 Yeah, but two of these layovers 55 00:01:56,823 --> 00:01:58,133 are six hours each. 56 00:01:58,198 --> 00:02:00,090 Yes, but the third one's only 12 minutes. 57 00:02:00,155 --> 00:02:01,283 But it's at O'Hare. 58 00:02:01,348 --> 00:02:02,570 Honey, we'll have to sprint 59 00:02:02,635 --> 00:02:04,026 from one end of the airport to the other. 60 00:02:04,091 --> 00:02:06,679 It'll all be worth it when we wake up on December 27th 61 00:02:06,744 --> 00:02:07,773 in Bermuda, 62 00:02:07,838 --> 00:02:09,351 where the forecast predicts... 63 00:02:09,416 --> 00:02:11,035 hot fog. 64 00:02:11,113 --> 00:02:12,328 Can't we just take a direct flight? 65 00:02:12,393 --> 00:02:14,708 There's no changes, the terms were very clear. 66 00:02:14,773 --> 00:02:16,811 It was part of a promotion for a new website 67 00:02:16,876 --> 00:02:18,280 called Tickets.Plane. 68 00:02:19,441 --> 00:02:21,422 Oh, yeah, I have a showing right down the street. 69 00:02:21,487 --> 00:02:22,830 Okay. Wait, hang on. 70 00:02:22,895 --> 00:02:25,576 Don't leave. Don't leave. What is Economy Minus? 71 00:02:25,702 --> 00:02:28,444 A plus, actually, 72 00:02:28,611 --> 00:02:30,758 since no one's jealous of people with aisle seats, 73 00:02:30,823 --> 00:02:34,647 because it's basically two innovative 18-person benches 74 00:02:34,784 --> 00:02:36,092 facing each other. 75 00:02:36,599 --> 00:02:37,767 Phil?! 76 00:02:40,048 --> 00:02:41,576 - What? - Nothing. 77 00:02:51,133 --> 00:02:52,615 *MODERN FAMILY* Season 10 Episode 10 78 00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:54,650 *MODERN FAMILY* Episode Title: "Stuck in a Moment" 79 00:02:58,080 --> 00:02:59,536 Who moved Cam's card? 80 00:02:59,601 --> 00:03:02,233 He's gonna be very upset if he's not on the mantel! 81 00:03:02,298 --> 00:03:03,582 I put it in a drawer until he gets here. 82 00:03:03,647 --> 00:03:05,259 That glitter was getting on everything. 83 00:03:05,324 --> 00:03:07,401 I breathed some of that in. 84 00:03:07,501 --> 00:03:09,234 I cough gold now. 85 00:03:09,299 --> 00:03:11,948 Gloria, you got a package from Colombia. 86 00:03:12,086 --> 00:03:14,114 Must mean the government took back the airstrip. 87 00:03:14,179 --> 00:03:17,276 Those are the gifts from my cousins! 88 00:03:18,334 --> 00:03:20,995 Ow! Beautiful! 89 00:03:21,083 --> 00:03:25,403 Back home we call these suéteres de Navidad. 90 00:03:25,468 --> 00:03:27,097 So... Christmas sweaters. 91 00:03:27,212 --> 00:03:29,854 Put them on so we can take a picture. 92 00:03:30,702 --> 00:03:32,450 Wow, these are really soft. 93 00:03:32,515 --> 00:03:34,316 Damn cozy is what they are. 94 00:03:34,397 --> 00:03:37,495 Oh, look, they also sent a banana leaf wreath. 95 00:03:38,647 --> 00:03:39,804 Banana spider! 96 00:03:39,869 --> 00:03:40,879 - What?! - What is that?! 97 00:03:40,944 --> 00:03:42,754 It's a deadly spider! It will kill you! 98 00:03:42,819 --> 00:03:43,918 I know what deadly means! 99 00:03:43,983 --> 00:03:46,090 Well, where'd it go? I'm wearing backless house slippers! 100 00:03:46,155 --> 00:03:47,690 I think it ran over to the... 101 00:03:48,777 --> 00:03:50,643 He took the tree! 102 00:03:50,937 --> 00:03:53,426 Am I the only one who feels kinda itchy? 103 00:03:53,491 --> 00:03:55,153 - The sweaters. - Haaah! 104 00:03:55,218 --> 00:03:57,412 Where there's one, there's many! 105 00:03:57,477 --> 00:03:59,222 - Run! - Run! - Let's go! 106 00:04:01,264 --> 00:04:02,972 Dear God, he's got the remote. 107 00:04:03,687 --> 00:04:06,184 Oh, ho, hoh! Okay, smile! 108 00:04:06,249 --> 00:04:07,645 Can we go look at phones after this? 109 00:04:07,710 --> 00:04:10,465 No, Lily, you are not getting a cell phone for Christmas. 110 00:04:10,530 --> 00:04:12,122 They're expensive, and you haven't proven yourself 111 00:04:12,187 --> 00:04:14,239 responsible enough to own one yet. 112 00:04:14,304 --> 00:04:17,075 Uh, I was responsible enough to come to a foreign country 113 00:04:17,140 --> 00:04:18,856 and build a life with two strangers. 114 00:04:18,921 --> 00:04:21,098 Okay, you used that one to get a later bedtime, all right? 115 00:04:21,163 --> 00:04:22,628 Oh, Cal, you're next. 116 00:04:22,796 --> 00:04:24,354 Ho, ho, ho. 117 00:04:24,474 --> 00:04:27,364 We want Cal to have a perfect Christmas. 118 00:04:27,429 --> 00:04:29,075 It's tough with his mom being in prison. 119 00:04:29,140 --> 00:04:32,307 Plus, his holiday season kind of got off to a rough start. 120 00:04:32,976 --> 00:04:34,028 You know, of all 121 00:04:34,093 --> 00:04:35,558 of our wonderful ornament selects, 122 00:04:35,623 --> 00:04:36,680 these are my fave. 123 00:04:36,745 --> 00:04:39,447 - Merry Christmas! - From Mitch and Cam! 124 00:04:39,512 --> 00:04:42,768 ♪ Up on the rooftop, reindeer pause ♪ 125 00:04:42,833 --> 00:04:45,135 ♪ Out jumps good old Santa Claus ♪ 126 00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:47,619 ♪ Down through the chimney with lots of toys ♪ 127 00:04:47,684 --> 00:04:50,049 ♪ All for the little ones' Christmas joy ♪ 128 00:04:50,114 --> 00:04:52,674 ♪ Ho, ho, ho, who wouldn't go? ♪ 129 00:04:52,739 --> 00:04:55,002 ♪ Ho, ho, ho, who wouldn't go? ♪ 130 00:04:55,067 --> 00:04:57,446 ♪ Up on the housetop, click, click, click ♪ 131 00:04:59,302 --> 00:05:01,104 - He was fine. Fine! - He was fine. 132 00:05:01,169 --> 00:05:02,729 We barely got through three verses 133 00:05:02,794 --> 00:05:04,135 and a repeat chorus before 134 00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:05,377 we realized our mistake. 135 00:05:05,442 --> 00:05:06,604 Although that rainstorm came out of 136 00:05:06,669 --> 00:05:07,713 - nowhere. - Yeah. 137 00:05:07,778 --> 00:05:10,166 Merry Christmas, little Cal! 138 00:05:10,231 --> 00:05:12,338 Lily, take your cousin over there. Relax a little. 139 00:05:12,403 --> 00:05:13,442 Okay, go. 140 00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:14,869 - Hi! - Hi! 141 00:05:14,934 --> 00:05:17,401 Hey, Santa. So, just wondering if you could you do us a favor 142 00:05:17,466 --> 00:05:20,471 and tell us what... our nephew just asked for for Christmas? 143 00:05:20,536 --> 00:05:22,385 I know you. You're that lawyer. 144 00:05:22,450 --> 00:05:23,760 Oh, no. This is never good. 145 00:05:23,825 --> 00:05:26,362 You're the ADA who charged me with public intoxication. 146 00:05:26,427 --> 00:05:28,987 Got me sentenced to fifty hours community service... 147 00:05:29,052 --> 00:05:30,893 working as a mall Santa is part of it. 148 00:05:30,958 --> 00:05:34,026 Okay. Well, I'm sorry. But can't we move past that? 149 00:05:34,091 --> 00:05:36,002 We really need to know what our nephew asked for. 150 00:05:36,067 --> 00:05:38,338 He asked for a more lenient justice system. 151 00:05:38,403 --> 00:05:40,713 Well, I doubt that. He's pretty conservative. 152 00:05:40,778 --> 00:05:42,399 We have to pretend to be roommates. 153 00:05:42,528 --> 00:05:43,946 Can we move this along? 154 00:05:44,021 --> 00:05:46,313 I only have my kids for four hours this week. 155 00:05:46,395 --> 00:05:47,767 Merry Christmas. 156 00:05:48,012 --> 00:05:49,635 You know what? As a former mall Santa, 157 00:05:49,700 --> 00:05:51,799 I vowed never to comment on a sitting Santa, 158 00:05:51,864 --> 00:05:54,102 but you're a disgrace to the red and white. 159 00:05:54,856 --> 00:05:56,690 Phil, I just got off the phone with my dad. 160 00:05:56,755 --> 00:05:58,408 We're moving Christmas Eve to our house. 161 00:05:58,473 --> 00:05:59,713 I got to run out and get some groceries. 162 00:05:59,793 --> 00:06:01,164 See you soon. Bye. 163 00:06:01,887 --> 00:06:04,129 Wh... Where's the tree? 164 00:06:04,211 --> 00:06:05,626 Where are the gifts? 165 00:06:05,949 --> 00:06:09,516 I assumed you canceled Christmas because you found out that I... 166 00:06:10,063 --> 00:06:11,447 But I interrupted you. 167 00:06:11,512 --> 00:06:13,438 Did your dad take them to his showing? 168 00:06:13,512 --> 00:06:15,947 He's always doing this... he steals my decorations 169 00:06:16,012 --> 00:06:17,908 to stage his houses to make them homier. 170 00:06:17,973 --> 00:06:20,376 He swore he would stop doing this! 171 00:06:20,488 --> 00:06:22,947 - At least he left the "wreaf." - Wreath. 172 00:06:23,012 --> 00:06:24,597 Eh, I've heard it both ways. 173 00:06:24,662 --> 00:06:26,977 No, I have, too. Doesn't make it right. 174 00:06:27,442 --> 00:06:28,571 What are we supposed to do? 175 00:06:28,636 --> 00:06:30,901 We can't host a Christmas without a tree. 176 00:06:30,966 --> 00:06:33,017 I thought you weren't allowed to host Christmas anymore 177 00:06:33,082 --> 00:06:34,274 after last year. 178 00:06:35,616 --> 00:06:38,610 I took a swing at a new way to prepare turkey. 179 00:06:41,196 --> 00:06:42,432 Well, this is frozen. 180 00:06:42,497 --> 00:06:44,330 No, Dad, you just... you hit a bone. 181 00:06:44,395 --> 00:06:45,837 I saw this on "Top Chef." 182 00:06:45,903 --> 00:06:48,610 They cooked an entire turkey in one hour. 183 00:06:48,716 --> 00:06:50,602 Luke had some, you're fine. Aren't you, buddy? 184 00:06:51,701 --> 00:06:53,180 Check on Joe. 185 00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:57,094 - Oh, no. - Ohh! Hoi! 186 00:06:59,668 --> 00:07:02,540 Oh, your father isn't answering. 187 00:07:02,934 --> 00:07:04,609 You knew about this, didn't you? 188 00:07:04,674 --> 00:07:06,399 I could tell you were hiding something. 189 00:07:10,278 --> 00:07:11,497 Phil? 190 00:07:12,223 --> 00:07:13,450 Phil! 191 00:07:13,910 --> 00:07:15,106 Ph... Oh! 192 00:07:16,035 --> 00:07:18,049 This theater is totally soundproof, 193 00:07:18,114 --> 00:07:20,034 so no one will hear you yelling at Jim 194 00:07:20,099 --> 00:07:21,962 to pick up his socks, Sandy. 195 00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:23,383 She does get loud. 196 00:07:27,911 --> 00:07:29,307 So, all of this, 197 00:07:29,372 --> 00:07:31,643 plus it's in a great school dist... rict. 198 00:07:31,708 --> 00:07:33,938 Oh my God, was this house just robbed? 199 00:07:34,036 --> 00:07:35,932 I told you this was a sketchy area. 200 00:07:35,997 --> 00:07:37,869 I am not going through another home invasion 201 00:07:37,934 --> 00:07:40,532 with the kids and me banging on the panic room door. 202 00:07:40,858 --> 00:07:43,729 So, you guys chat, and I'll, uh, take a minute, 203 00:07:43,794 --> 00:07:44,909 see if I can find a 204 00:07:44,974 --> 00:07:46,213 replacement tree 205 00:07:46,278 --> 00:07:48,469 and nine identically wrapped gifts. 206 00:07:49,644 --> 00:07:52,102 It's the perfect way to get your mom in a good mood. 207 00:07:52,216 --> 00:07:54,362 Think about it... cupcakes are little cakes 208 00:07:54,427 --> 00:07:56,104 just like babies are little people. 209 00:07:56,169 --> 00:07:57,192 I guess. 210 00:07:57,270 --> 00:07:58,729 I just want this to go well. 211 00:07:58,802 --> 00:08:00,416 I'm in a really good place with this baby, 212 00:08:00,481 --> 00:08:02,165 and I want my mom to be, too. 213 00:08:02,456 --> 00:08:04,471 She wasn't in the best mood this morning. 214 00:08:04,536 --> 00:08:05,618 It's Christmas Eve. 215 00:08:05,683 --> 00:08:07,696 She can't stay a Grinch all day. 216 00:08:16,255 --> 00:08:17,497 Thank you. 217 00:08:17,716 --> 00:08:19,315 That was the exterminator. 218 00:08:19,380 --> 00:08:20,721 He is, uh, on his way, 219 00:08:20,786 --> 00:08:23,104 but he's gonna have to tent the house for a couple of days. 220 00:08:23,169 --> 00:08:25,908 And I'm trying to book us a hotel, but the call keeps dropping. 221 00:08:25,973 --> 00:08:28,446 Joe, let's go to the backyard. There's better reception. 222 00:08:30,137 --> 00:08:31,877 Hey, listen. I left something inside. 223 00:08:31,942 --> 00:08:34,299 I need you to get it for me. This should keep you safe. 224 00:08:34,364 --> 00:08:35,385 Are you crazy? 225 00:08:35,450 --> 00:08:36,924 I'm not going back into that spider's nest. 226 00:08:36,989 --> 00:08:38,197 Fine, I hate them, too. 227 00:08:38,262 --> 00:08:41,119 The problem is, they're attracted to my musk. 228 00:08:41,184 --> 00:08:43,346 I went to the insect room at the zoo a while back, 229 00:08:43,411 --> 00:08:45,096 and they all started banging on the glass like inmates. 230 00:08:45,161 --> 00:08:46,650 What'd you leave in there that's so important? 231 00:08:46,715 --> 00:08:47,846 It's a medication. 232 00:08:47,911 --> 00:08:50,260 I'm fine, but I didn't tell your mom 233 00:08:50,325 --> 00:08:51,580 'cause I didn't want her to worry. 234 00:08:51,645 --> 00:08:54,088 Can we just stop by a liquor store and refill your "prescription." 235 00:08:54,153 --> 00:08:55,633 It's a medicine! Look... 236 00:08:55,841 --> 00:08:58,760 I'm sure our hotel has a top notch spa. 237 00:08:58,825 --> 00:09:01,369 One that might add a, uh, hot stone massage, 238 00:09:01,434 --> 00:09:02,869 an herbal soak... 239 00:09:02,934 --> 00:09:04,526 Do I look like someone who can be bought? 240 00:09:04,591 --> 00:09:06,774 No, but you do look like someone who might enjoy 241 00:09:06,839 --> 00:09:08,784 a four-handed Balinese seaweed swaddle. 242 00:09:10,260 --> 00:09:11,994 You son of a bitch. 243 00:09:14,309 --> 00:09:17,229 So, Cal, what did you and Santa talk about? 244 00:09:17,294 --> 00:09:18,766 It's a secret. 245 00:09:18,943 --> 00:09:20,401 Me, I'd be fine with just cash. 246 00:09:20,466 --> 00:09:21,635 You guys have enough on your plate. 247 00:09:21,700 --> 00:09:23,526 Okay, you're not buying yourself a phone, all right? 248 00:09:23,591 --> 00:09:24,959 Ooh, Santa's on break. 249 00:09:25,122 --> 00:09:26,979 Okay, Lily, go sit with Cal again. 250 00:09:27,044 --> 00:09:29,377 You guys need me... maybe throw a please in there. 251 00:09:29,442 --> 00:09:31,643 - Yeah. Hi! - Hi! 252 00:09:31,708 --> 00:09:33,111 Oh, it really is the most wonderful 253 00:09:33,176 --> 00:09:34,565 - Beautiful. - Time of the year. Isn't it? 254 00:09:34,630 --> 00:09:35,877 So, listen, do you mind if... 255 00:09:35,942 --> 00:09:36,869 Do you think you're the first parents 256 00:09:36,934 --> 00:09:38,391 wanting to take a peek at my scroll? 257 00:09:38,465 --> 00:09:39,775 Better stick something in my bootie. 258 00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:41,689 - Whoa, whoa, whoa. - I'm sorry. What? 259 00:09:41,754 --> 00:09:43,346 Cash in the slipper, perv. 260 00:09:43,411 --> 00:09:44,541 Oh. Do you wanna... 261 00:09:44,606 --> 00:09:47,571 Yeah, yeah, I got... I got, uh... I've got $10. 262 00:09:47,761 --> 00:09:49,341 Thank you. 263 00:09:49,567 --> 00:09:51,026 No, this is just a list of toys. 264 00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:52,743 None of the kids' names are next to them. 265 00:09:52,825 --> 00:09:54,119 Oh, oh. You know what? 266 00:09:54,184 --> 00:09:56,196 Uh, we'll look at pictures of Cal in line 267 00:09:56,261 --> 00:09:58,080 and then match the kids up behind him 268 00:09:58,145 --> 00:09:59,229 - with the toys on the list. - Okay. 269 00:09:59,294 --> 00:10:01,166 Okay, so, well, I guess this Asian kid, 270 00:10:01,231 --> 00:10:02,046 he maybe wants the, uh... 271 00:10:02,111 --> 00:10:03,557 There's no time to be politically correct. 272 00:10:03,622 --> 00:10:04,479 - He wants the calculator. - Calculator. 273 00:10:04,544 --> 00:10:05,588 - And he wants it bad. - Yeah. 274 00:10:05,653 --> 00:10:08,369 Wait, does that mean that this little boy wants the Barbie Styling Head? 275 00:10:08,434 --> 00:10:09,721 Yep, look at the turned-out foot. 276 00:10:09,786 --> 00:10:11,612 - Oh, of course he wants the Barbie Styling Head. - Hey! 277 00:10:11,677 --> 00:10:13,041 Which means Cal wants... 278 00:10:13,106 --> 00:10:14,283 - Hot Wheels! - Hot Wheels! 279 00:10:14,348 --> 00:10:16,268 - Okay, okay. - Let's go. 280 00:10:16,333 --> 00:10:18,049 - Thank you! - Thank you. 281 00:10:18,114 --> 00:10:19,450 Uhh... 282 00:10:19,591 --> 00:10:21,813 Don't worry. They come back. 283 00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:27,065 Please tell me you told Mom and Dad. 284 00:10:27,130 --> 00:10:29,002 No, but we're gonna tell them in song. 285 00:10:29,067 --> 00:10:30,508 Listen to this part. 286 00:10:30,575 --> 00:10:33,432 ♪ Soon a baby as cute as us ♪ 287 00:10:33,497 --> 00:10:36,455 ♪ Will spring forth from Haley's uterus ♪ 288 00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:38,040 Uhh! I love it! 289 00:10:38,130 --> 00:10:41,190 She's lying. She just wants us to get it over with so her eczema will go away. 290 00:10:41,255 --> 00:10:43,587 I don't have... Oh, my God! 291 00:10:44,465 --> 00:10:46,234 Okay, you got this. 292 00:10:46,299 --> 00:10:47,690 You're quicker than those things. 293 00:10:47,755 --> 00:10:49,119 - I doubt that. - You're smarter. 294 00:10:49,184 --> 00:10:50,369 I can't make a web out of nothing. 295 00:10:50,434 --> 00:10:52,908 - Plus, you got a weapon. - A leaf blower? 296 00:10:52,973 --> 00:10:55,400 Hey, that thing can blow a Pomeranian through a hedge. 297 00:10:55,465 --> 00:10:57,484 Let's just say little Mimi from next door 298 00:10:57,549 --> 00:10:59,221 won't be visiting our lawn anymore. 299 00:10:59,286 --> 00:11:01,282 Now hurry up before your mom gets back. 300 00:11:01,903 --> 00:11:04,117 We'll be in constant communication. 301 00:11:04,182 --> 00:11:05,874 Go. Go, go, go. 302 00:11:06,136 --> 00:11:08,180 Keep your head on a swivel. 303 00:11:08,245 --> 00:11:10,680 Head for my bathroom. Remember. 304 00:11:10,745 --> 00:11:13,320 That spider can sense the subtlest sign of fear. 305 00:11:13,385 --> 00:11:16,249 Ohh! Something just ran past my foot. 306 00:11:20,939 --> 00:11:22,361 Damn it, the power's out! 307 00:11:22,498 --> 00:11:23,844 Then so am I! 308 00:11:23,909 --> 00:11:25,980 No! You just leveled the playing field. 309 00:11:26,045 --> 00:11:27,167 They have eight eyes. 310 00:11:27,232 --> 00:11:28,449 You only have two. 311 00:11:28,514 --> 00:11:30,502 You just took away their one advantage. 312 00:11:30,567 --> 00:11:32,512 What about their sac of poison? 313 00:11:35,913 --> 00:11:36,925 Okay, I'm in the bathroom. 314 00:11:36,990 --> 00:11:39,089 Good, good. The medication... 315 00:11:39,154 --> 00:11:41,011 is down below in the cabinet. 316 00:11:41,076 --> 00:11:43,902 You want me to reach my hand into a dark, damp breeding ground? 317 00:11:43,967 --> 00:11:46,636 It's all the way in the back on the far right. 318 00:11:46,701 --> 00:11:48,737 Just feel around for the jar. 319 00:11:48,802 --> 00:11:50,402 So, skitter my hand back and forth? 320 00:11:50,467 --> 00:11:52,580 That's basically a spider mating dance! 321 00:11:57,098 --> 00:11:58,132 Got it. 322 00:11:58,363 --> 00:11:59,506 Whoa! Ow! 323 00:11:59,584 --> 00:12:01,352 Talk to me, over. 324 00:12:03,595 --> 00:12:04,794 Manny! 325 00:12:07,467 --> 00:12:08,986 Not leaving! 326 00:12:09,060 --> 00:12:10,564 Still shopping! 327 00:12:10,943 --> 00:12:13,054 As if getting robbed wasn't bad enough, 328 00:12:13,119 --> 00:12:14,546 now that we were hosting Christmas, 329 00:12:14,611 --> 00:12:16,886 I had to get a new tree and gifts into the house 330 00:12:16,951 --> 00:12:18,034 before Claire got home. 331 00:12:18,099 --> 00:12:20,426 Fortunately, I-I had a copy of her gift list. 332 00:12:20,497 --> 00:12:23,136 It was eerie how many of these events 333 00:12:23,201 --> 00:12:25,636 were lining up with the plot of my children's book in progress, 334 00:12:25,701 --> 00:12:27,298 "The Realtor Who Saved Christmas." 335 00:12:28,818 --> 00:12:30,862 - Hello? - Buddy, I need a favor. 336 00:12:30,927 --> 00:12:32,527 Remember that polar bear wrapping paper 337 00:12:32,592 --> 00:12:34,620 you made us buy so much of because you can't do math? 338 00:12:34,685 --> 00:12:36,105 - Uh-huh. - Grab a couple rolls of it, 339 00:12:36,170 --> 00:12:38,253 meet me out in front of the house in 20 minutes. 340 00:12:38,318 --> 00:12:41,066 We're all out. Mom used the last of it on this year's gifts. 341 00:12:41,131 --> 00:12:44,525 Damn it! I need a bunch of it. Where am I supposed to f... 342 00:12:44,592 --> 00:12:46,628 - ♪ Hallelujah ♪ - ♪ Hallelujah ♪ 343 00:12:46,693 --> 00:12:48,877 ♪ Hallelujah, Hallelujah ♪ 344 00:12:48,967 --> 00:12:51,103 - ♪ Hallelujah ♪ - All good, Luke. 345 00:13:06,522 --> 00:13:07,855 Well, we got what we need. 346 00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:10,175 I'm glad someone's getting what they want this year. 347 00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:11,550 You know what? Here, take my phone. 348 00:13:11,615 --> 00:13:13,970 If you can get through a day without losing it, it's yours. 349 00:13:20,130 --> 00:13:22,206 You must've run through some hairspray. 350 00:13:22,271 --> 00:13:23,776 Your boots are like flypaper. 351 00:13:23,841 --> 00:13:25,268 That's why that spray was banned. 352 00:13:25,333 --> 00:13:27,860 Birds were flying over the factory and getting stuck together. 353 00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:31,157 Hey, wait, wait a second. Wait a second. 354 00:13:31,224 --> 00:13:32,823 This is your medication? 355 00:13:32,888 --> 00:13:34,675 "Good Old Fashioned Elbow Grease?" 356 00:13:34,740 --> 00:13:36,253 I suffer from dry elbow. 357 00:13:36,318 --> 00:13:37,769 That's what I risked my life for? 358 00:13:37,834 --> 00:13:41,665 Supple elbows are heavily featured in every good power pose. 359 00:13:42,464 --> 00:13:43,966 That's how I got the cover to Closet World. 360 00:13:44,031 --> 00:13:46,275 I literally elbowed my way to the top. 361 00:13:46,723 --> 00:13:48,698 Uh! I booked us a hotel. 362 00:13:48,763 --> 00:13:50,876 Manny, you're sharing a room with Joe. 363 00:13:52,145 --> 00:13:53,419 Fix that. 364 00:13:57,773 --> 00:13:59,409 What are you roasting on the space heater? 365 00:13:59,474 --> 00:14:01,675 Oh, I threw those cards in the trash. 366 00:14:01,740 --> 00:14:02,995 They got all soggy. 367 00:14:03,060 --> 00:14:04,643 - Even Uncle Cam's? - Mm-hmm. 368 00:14:04,708 --> 00:14:07,814 You have to save those for seven years, like tax returns. 369 00:14:19,263 --> 00:14:20,892 - Hello, Phil. - Oh! 370 00:14:21,201 --> 00:14:22,397 Oh, that's right. 371 00:14:22,471 --> 00:14:24,010 The tree's back where it belongs. 372 00:14:24,075 --> 00:14:25,104 You stole it?! 373 00:14:25,169 --> 00:14:26,400 Oh, no, you did. 374 00:14:26,465 --> 00:14:29,627 Just like you stole my family of plastic Thanksgiving turkeys, 375 00:14:29,692 --> 00:14:31,127 my inflatable Easter bunny, 376 00:14:31,192 --> 00:14:32,768 and my Uncle Sam piñata, 377 00:14:32,833 --> 00:14:34,939 all... for your open houses. 378 00:14:35,004 --> 00:14:39,492 Today was my chance to shed a very unfair reputation. 379 00:14:39,557 --> 00:14:41,244 - Claire... - I put two people 380 00:14:41,309 --> 00:14:43,275 in The hospital one time, 381 00:14:43,340 --> 00:14:45,143 and now I'm a Christmas ruiner. 382 00:14:45,208 --> 00:14:46,536 Fire! 383 00:14:46,614 --> 00:14:48,309 Oh, my God! Get the extinguisher! 384 00:14:48,374 --> 00:14:50,555 Aah! It's Cam's glitter card! 385 00:14:50,620 --> 00:14:51,967 - I knew it! - Stand back! 386 00:14:52,032 --> 00:14:53,143 Aah! 387 00:14:53,221 --> 00:14:54,097 The tree! 388 00:14:54,175 --> 00:14:55,297 Phil! Do the tree, Phil. 389 00:14:55,362 --> 00:14:57,053 Aah! The gifts! 390 00:14:58,267 --> 00:15:00,336 The... The... Honey... The... 391 00:15:00,401 --> 00:15:01,754 It's out! 392 00:15:01,965 --> 00:15:05,053 This must be the one Luke and I used for our jet pack prototype. 393 00:15:06,390 --> 00:15:09,352 You know, we're being crazy. There is no perfect moment. 394 00:15:09,417 --> 00:15:12,178 We're just going to walk in there like adults and tell them. 395 00:15:20,526 --> 00:15:22,453 - Honey... - It's no use. 396 00:15:22,518 --> 00:15:24,140 It's over, Phil. 397 00:15:24,359 --> 00:15:25,537 The house smells like smoke, 398 00:15:25,602 --> 00:15:26,734 we have no tree 399 00:15:26,799 --> 00:15:29,709 and nine scorched, yet soaking-wet gifts. 400 00:15:29,964 --> 00:15:32,242 Worst of all, I have to make Mitchell's day 401 00:15:32,307 --> 00:15:34,584 by telling him we're moving the party to his house 402 00:15:34,682 --> 00:15:38,647 and I'm on permanent host probation forever. 403 00:15:39,143 --> 00:15:40,495 Who knows? 404 00:15:40,589 --> 00:15:43,934 Maybe in a couple years they'll toss me a pity holiday... 405 00:15:44,198 --> 00:15:48,538 "Welcome to my non-alcoholic Earth Day brunch." 406 00:15:49,842 --> 00:15:50,964 In brighter news, 407 00:15:51,029 --> 00:15:53,452 I am getting on a prop plane in a couple hours. 408 00:15:53,839 --> 00:15:55,919 Bermuda Triangle's still a thing, right? 409 00:15:55,984 --> 00:15:57,049 Claire. 410 00:15:57,182 --> 00:15:59,086 Honey, I just can't right now. 411 00:15:59,151 --> 00:16:00,608 I'm not in the mood for... 412 00:16:03,606 --> 00:16:04,482 How? 413 00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:06,083 Merry Christmas from me. 414 00:16:06,148 --> 00:16:09,694 Did you sneak out earlier and buy all this stuff to cover your tracks? 415 00:16:10,010 --> 00:16:13,061 Or you can choose to believe it's a Christmas miracle. 416 00:16:13,371 --> 00:16:14,937 I choose miracle. 417 00:16:16,756 --> 00:16:18,135 Happy holidays! 418 00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:20,456 - Hey! - Hey! 419 00:16:20,551 --> 00:16:22,455 Thank you for taking over. 420 00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:23,868 - You saved the day! - Merry Christmas. 421 00:16:23,933 --> 00:16:25,720 Well, you know, it's kind of what I do. 422 00:16:25,785 --> 00:16:27,194 Come on, drinks in the kitchen. 423 00:16:27,259 --> 00:16:30,023 - Yay! All right! - All right! 424 00:16:31,355 --> 00:16:33,689 Ooh, Manny, what's up with the noggin bump? 425 00:16:33,754 --> 00:16:35,689 What? Where? Oh, no. 426 00:16:35,754 --> 00:16:37,782 That looks like a banana spider bite! 427 00:16:37,847 --> 00:16:39,282 It's not a bite, he bumped his head. 428 00:16:39,347 --> 00:16:40,650 No, that looks like a bite. 429 00:16:40,715 --> 00:16:43,962 My sister got bit by a Missouri Silo Spider... lost a toe. 430 00:16:44,027 --> 00:16:46,487 Happy ending... she was born with eleven. 431 00:16:46,777 --> 00:16:48,689 Manny, we need to get that checked. 432 00:16:48,754 --> 00:16:49,939 There is an antidote, 433 00:16:50,004 --> 00:16:52,603 but if you have never been bitten by the spider, 434 00:16:52,668 --> 00:16:53,789 it might kill you. 435 00:16:53,854 --> 00:16:55,337 - Let's go to the car. - I... Jay. 436 00:16:55,402 --> 00:16:56,954 Stop! He wasn't bitten. 437 00:16:57,019 --> 00:16:58,689 He bumped his head when he went back in the house 438 00:16:58,754 --> 00:17:00,718 to grab my... medication. 439 00:17:01,361 --> 00:17:02,650 What medication? 440 00:17:02,715 --> 00:17:04,275 Oh, my God, Dad, are you okay? 441 00:17:04,340 --> 00:17:05,915 We're gonna get through this, buddy. 442 00:17:05,980 --> 00:17:08,478 It's an elbow cream that I secretly use 443 00:17:08,543 --> 00:17:10,303 every night after Gloria falls asleep. 444 00:17:10,519 --> 00:17:14,071 You sent our son into the nest of a deadly spider 445 00:17:14,136 --> 00:17:15,159 for a beauty cream? 446 00:17:15,224 --> 00:17:16,439 It's a medicine 447 00:17:16,504 --> 00:17:19,962 that treats the heartbreaking condition of dry elbow! 448 00:17:20,027 --> 00:17:22,798 It requires a veterinarian's prescription 449 00:17:22,863 --> 00:17:25,750 because it's primarily used on rhinos and elephants. 450 00:17:26,902 --> 00:17:30,041 I see on our march to become a perfect society, 451 00:17:30,106 --> 00:17:32,203 elbow shaming is still allowed. 452 00:17:32,571 --> 00:17:34,462 I get a little dry sometimes. 453 00:17:34,527 --> 00:17:37,478 Hey! You're just as much a person as everybody else. 454 00:17:37,543 --> 00:17:39,454 I can't believe that you're so vain that you... 455 00:17:39,519 --> 00:17:43,118 Wait, is that my Christmas card stuck on the bottom of your shoe? 456 00:17:43,183 --> 00:17:45,118 And why... why is it singed? 457 00:17:45,183 --> 00:17:47,071 Ugh, you got to be less about the cards. 458 00:17:47,136 --> 00:17:48,507 We all think it. 459 00:17:48,596 --> 00:17:50,585 Didn't you empty a can of powerful 460 00:17:50,650 --> 00:17:51,991 hairspray in the bathroom? 461 00:17:52,056 --> 00:17:53,529 And did you go in there, too? 462 00:17:55,688 --> 00:17:58,998 Fine! I needed something, okay? 463 00:17:59,283 --> 00:18:01,390 But at least I went in myself. 464 00:18:01,455 --> 00:18:04,677 After you offered me $20 and I said no. 465 00:18:04,954 --> 00:18:06,593 Some of us can't be bought. 466 00:18:06,658 --> 00:18:07,951 What did you need? 467 00:18:08,213 --> 00:18:10,951 Whatever it is, we're gonna get through this. 468 00:18:11,080 --> 00:18:12,693 A night guard. 469 00:18:12,924 --> 00:18:15,444 I didn't want to tell you, but every night, 470 00:18:15,509 --> 00:18:18,429 I wait for you to fall asleep, so I put it on. 471 00:18:18,494 --> 00:18:20,235 It's so unattractive. 472 00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:21,385 That's it? 473 00:18:21,463 --> 00:18:24,599 Ith not thex-thee. I look hideouth! 474 00:18:24,681 --> 00:18:27,131 Oh, that really humanizes her. 475 00:18:27,329 --> 00:18:28,716 I don't care for it. 476 00:18:29,127 --> 00:18:31,640 Okay, one of my teeth is loose. 477 00:18:31,705 --> 00:18:33,093 I am begging you to tell them. 478 00:18:33,158 --> 00:18:34,171 That's what this is. 479 00:18:34,236 --> 00:18:35,827 I'm coming down the chimney as Santa, 480 00:18:35,892 --> 00:18:37,421 delighting Joe and Cal. 481 00:18:37,486 --> 00:18:38,677 Mom will see how good he is with kids 482 00:18:38,742 --> 00:18:40,969 and then be super chill with us being pregnant. 483 00:18:41,034 --> 00:18:42,400 Ugh... 484 00:18:43,461 --> 00:18:44,588 Uh-oh. 485 00:18:44,729 --> 00:18:45,838 I'm stuck. 486 00:18:46,025 --> 00:18:48,015 Okay, everybody, come on, picture time! 487 00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:49,281 In front of the tree, let's go. 488 00:18:49,346 --> 00:18:50,375 Oh, God. Just be quiet! 489 00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:52,171 There you are. Okay, where's Dylan? 490 00:18:52,236 --> 00:18:53,572 Aww, Mom. 491 00:18:53,650 --> 00:18:55,366 What? We need somebody to take the picture. 492 00:18:55,658 --> 00:18:56,806 Harsh. 493 00:18:57,313 --> 00:18:58,576 What was that? 494 00:18:58,752 --> 00:19:01,062 Don't we always have the fire on? 495 00:19:01,127 --> 00:19:02,335 - No! - I'm sure we do. 496 00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:05,354 Last year we used it to finish cooking Claire's turkey pieces. 497 00:19:05,590 --> 00:19:07,029 Jay, go turn it on. 498 00:19:07,096 --> 00:19:08,123 Wait! Wait, wait, wait. 499 00:19:08,188 --> 00:19:10,122 Every... Everybody 12 and under, out. 500 00:19:10,353 --> 00:19:13,982 What? Honey, what's going on? 501 00:19:14,730 --> 00:19:16,341 Dylan's stuck in the chimney. 502 00:19:17,611 --> 00:19:18,674 Why? 503 00:19:18,752 --> 00:19:20,077 He's dressed up as Santa. 504 00:19:20,142 --> 00:19:21,601 He was gonna hand presents out to the kids. 505 00:19:21,666 --> 00:19:22,760 Aww. 506 00:19:22,838 --> 00:19:25,284 Don't tell them now. I want to be with you! 507 00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:26,753 Tell us what? 508 00:19:26,883 --> 00:19:28,035 Nothing. It can wait. 509 00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:29,613 No, it can't! Please! 510 00:19:29,678 --> 00:19:31,372 My organs are shutting down! 511 00:19:31,437 --> 00:19:33,073 Okay, fine. I... 512 00:19:34,950 --> 00:19:37,452 We have an announcement. 513 00:19:39,561 --> 00:19:41,636 Dylan and I are having a baby. 514 00:19:43,757 --> 00:19:45,269 Are they smiling? 515 00:19:45,390 --> 00:19:46,675 You're pregnant? 516 00:19:47,351 --> 00:19:48,523 Yes. 517 00:19:48,999 --> 00:19:51,206 And w-we're really happy about it. 518 00:19:51,984 --> 00:19:53,569 Why wouldn't you be? 519 00:19:54,149 --> 00:19:55,257 Wow! 520 00:19:55,895 --> 00:19:57,071 Mom? 521 00:19:57,265 --> 00:20:01,308 It's... it's a lot to process at once, and... 522 00:20:05,116 --> 00:20:07,050 A baby. Unbelievable! 523 00:20:07,115 --> 00:20:08,341 - Oh! - Hi! 524 00:20:08,406 --> 00:20:11,972 - Congratulations! - Oh, my gosh! A baby! 525 00:20:12,072 --> 00:20:13,359 Oh, God. 526 00:20:13,437 --> 00:20:16,231 You handled that a lot better than I did back in the day. 527 00:20:16,296 --> 00:20:17,856 Ohh! Outside. 528 00:20:17,921 --> 00:20:19,708 - On the inside, I'm you. - Mm-hmm. 529 00:20:19,773 --> 00:20:21,136 Can somebody save my life? 530 00:20:21,201 --> 00:20:23,472 - Oh, Ho! Cam, grab a foot. - Yep. 531 00:20:23,679 --> 00:20:26,115 God, he's really wedged in there. 532 00:20:26,180 --> 00:20:27,809 Ah, if only we had some kind of award-winning, 533 00:20:27,874 --> 00:20:28,966 placenta-based lubricant. 534 00:20:29,031 --> 00:20:30,148 Fine! 535 00:20:30,518 --> 00:20:32,551 Here, Dylan, use a little bit of this. 536 00:20:32,616 --> 00:20:35,703 I can't believe a little Dylan is gonna pop out of you! 537 00:20:35,768 --> 00:20:37,200 What would that even look like? 538 00:20:37,265 --> 00:20:39,163 Oh! 539 00:20:42,570 --> 00:20:44,323 Everybody come on in for the picture! 540 00:20:44,388 --> 00:20:45,466 I'll set the timer. 541 00:20:45,531 --> 00:20:47,575 This is all gonna work out, right? 542 00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:48,884 Definitely. Yeah. 543 00:20:48,958 --> 00:20:51,050 Hang on. Let me get my elbows ready. 544 00:20:51,398 --> 00:20:54,367 Okay, everybody smile, say "baby!" 545 00:20:54,432 --> 00:20:56,467 - Baby! - Baby! - Baby! - Baby! - Baby! - Baby! 546 00:21:00,242 --> 00:21:02,411 ♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪ 547 00:21:02,476 --> 00:21:04,497 ♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪ 548 00:21:04,562 --> 00:21:06,708 ♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪ 549 00:21:06,773 --> 00:21:08,771 ♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪ 550 00:21:08,836 --> 00:21:11,050 ♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪ 551 00:21:11,115 --> 00:21:13,319 ♪ Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la ♪ 552 00:21:13,384 --> 00:21:15,511 ♪ Did we leave the kids at Claire's house? ♪ 553 00:21:15,576 --> 00:21:17,556 ♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪ 554 00:21:17,621 --> 00:21:19,682 ♪ Lily really needs a cell phone ♪ 555 00:21:19,747 --> 00:21:21,872 ♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪ 556 00:21:21,937 --> 00:21:24,096 ♪ Follow me in merry measure ♪ 557 00:21:24,161 --> 00:21:26,519 ♪ Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la ♪