1
00:00:02,805 --> 00:00:04,538
Oh, Mitchell. Are you awake?
2
00:00:04,606 --> 00:00:06,473
Yeah, I think
the lady upstairs just screamed.
3
00:00:06,575 --> 00:00:08,708
- Should we check on her?
- No, that was me.
4
00:00:08,744 --> 00:00:10,744
Something terrible just
happened in the shower.
5
00:00:10,813 --> 00:00:12,379
Oh, God. What did you try to shave?
6
00:00:12,447 --> 00:00:15,615
No, I forgot the words to
"Thank God I'm A Country Boy."
7
00:00:15,684 --> 00:00:18,819
Okay, two minutes ago, I was on the
back of a snowmobile with Daniel Craig.
8
00:00:18,887 --> 00:00:21,054
Mitchell, I sang that song
my entire childhood.
9
00:00:21,156 --> 00:00:22,856
If I can't remember the lyrics,
10
00:00:22,925 --> 00:00:25,091
that means I've lost
complete touch with my roots.
11
00:00:25,160 --> 00:00:26,893
How could I let this happen?
12
00:00:26,962 --> 00:00:28,495
Don't be so hard on yourself.
13
00:00:28,564 --> 00:00:30,230
I'm not. This is mostly your doing.
14
00:00:30,299 --> 00:00:31,798
Should have seen that coming.
15
00:00:31,867 --> 00:00:33,233
You have shamed the country boy out of me.
16
00:00:33,302 --> 00:00:36,036
You roll your eyes when I say
"y'all" or "fixin'".
17
00:00:36,104 --> 00:00:37,571
You made me take down our clothesline.
18
00:00:37,639 --> 00:00:39,539
I just asked that we put it in the backyard.
19
00:00:39,575 --> 00:00:40,574
You know what I have to do.
20
00:00:40,642 --> 00:00:41,908
Relearn the lyrics to...
21
00:00:42,010 --> 00:00:43,543
Get a chicken.
22
00:00:43,645 --> 00:00:45,846
So, apparently, there's no legal reason
23
00:00:45,914 --> 00:00:47,614
why we can't have a chicken in our backyard,
24
00:00:47,683 --> 00:00:50,083
and... and I did a real deep dive.
25
00:00:50,152 --> 00:00:54,554
Okay, so this is the kitchen,
which we recently remodeled.
26
00:00:55,192 --> 00:00:57,157
Get used to that.
27
00:00:57,259 --> 00:00:59,993
Okay, this is the living room.
28
00:01:09,104 --> 00:01:11,338
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com
29
00:01:13,785 --> 00:01:17,510
Okay, so, you and Mom will be in the chairs.
30
00:01:17,613 --> 00:01:20,280
Me, Haley, and Luke will be on the couch.
31
00:01:20,382 --> 00:01:22,849
And the interviewer will be right here.
32
00:01:22,951 --> 00:01:25,518
Alex is up for a very
prestigious government job
33
00:01:25,621 --> 00:01:28,021
that requires a family interview.
34
00:01:28,123 --> 00:01:30,023
In case they bring one
of those memory zappers,
35
00:01:30,125 --> 00:01:32,025
I've Sharpied all the pertinent
information on my arm...
36
00:01:32,127 --> 00:01:33,460
PIN numbers, et cetera.
37
00:01:33,562 --> 00:01:35,128
Oh, honey, you don't think
that they're really going to...
38
00:01:35,230 --> 00:01:36,630
Oh, do not worry, little lady.
39
00:01:36,732 --> 00:01:38,698
I got you covered.
40
00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:40,700
If you really want to
impress the interviewer,
41
00:01:40,802 --> 00:01:42,869
why don't you try casually leaving out
42
00:01:42,971 --> 00:01:45,538
this completed New York Times crossword
43
00:01:45,641 --> 00:01:47,340
that I found at the gym?
44
00:01:47,442 --> 00:01:49,676
Why bring a knife to a gun fight?
45
00:01:49,778 --> 00:01:51,978
How about I lay out the family heirloom?
46
00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:54,981
1931. Great-grandpa Ted Dunphy
47
00:01:55,083 --> 00:01:57,984
is driving south from
Modesto one foggy evening.
48
00:01:58,086 --> 00:02:01,521
He picks up a stranded motorist
and drives him to a gas station.
49
00:02:01,590 --> 00:02:04,824
The man has no money,
so Ted pays for his gas.
50
00:02:04,927 --> 00:02:07,494
The man thanks him with a quick
drawing on a cocktail napkin.
51
00:02:07,596 --> 00:02:10,864
For you see, that man... was Walt Disney.
52
00:02:10,933 --> 00:02:15,168
And this familiar fellow is Mickey Mouse.
53
00:02:15,270 --> 00:02:17,837
Yeah, no thanks on the heirloom
or the crossword, guys.
54
00:02:17,940 --> 00:02:19,839
Let's keep it simple, okay?
55
00:02:19,942 --> 00:02:22,509
Honey, relax. You're awesome.
56
00:02:22,611 --> 00:02:23,843
It's gonna go great.
57
00:02:23,946 --> 00:02:26,346
Just as soon as we get this chair back
58
00:02:26,448 --> 00:02:29,015
to where it's been ever since
we've lived in this house.
59
00:02:29,117 --> 00:02:31,885
Mom, can you please
stop managing everything?
60
00:02:31,954 --> 00:02:33,353
You mean like when she
cleaned my hat collection
61
00:02:33,455 --> 00:02:34,854
out of the front closet
in case the interviewer
62
00:02:34,957 --> 00:02:36,056
looked in there?
63
00:02:36,158 --> 00:02:37,390
Honey, you never wore those hats,
64
00:02:37,492 --> 00:02:39,359
and the charity was glad to get them.
65
00:02:39,461 --> 00:02:41,061
Maybe you should have also
donated my dream of one day
66
00:02:41,129 --> 00:02:43,196
going to the Kentucky Derby
or Easter at a black church.
67
00:02:43,298 --> 00:02:46,066
Hey, Alex. Quick tip.
Smile during the interview.
68
00:02:46,168 --> 00:02:48,401
I've been learning a lot about
different personality types
69
00:02:48,503 --> 00:02:51,338
in my psych course,
and you're kind of textbook borderline...
70
00:02:51,440 --> 00:02:52,839
all brains, no empathy.
71
00:02:52,941 --> 00:02:56,509
You know, Luke, we are so very proud
of all the hard work you're doing,
72
00:02:56,611 --> 00:02:58,678
and I look forward to hearing your insights
73
00:02:58,780 --> 00:03:00,380
when you finish chapter two.
74
00:03:00,482 --> 00:03:03,550
But for now, maybe you could just
put that book away.
75
00:03:03,652 --> 00:03:05,185
No surprise you'd say that.
76
00:03:05,287 --> 00:03:07,020
Controlling, obsessive...
77
00:03:07,122 --> 00:03:09,189
classic Commandant personality type.
78
00:03:09,291 --> 00:03:10,757
Ooh, burn.
79
00:03:10,859 --> 00:03:12,459
Oh, grow up, Haley.
80
00:03:12,561 --> 00:03:13,593
Sadly, she can't.
81
00:03:13,695 --> 00:03:16,262
Such is the plight of the
Peter Pan personality.
82
00:03:16,365 --> 00:03:18,264
You're saying Haley refuses to grow up?
83
00:03:18,367 --> 00:03:19,599
I don't believe that.
84
00:03:19,701 --> 00:03:22,102
Which brings us to another type,
the Dreamer...
85
00:03:22,204 --> 00:03:25,438
head in the clouds,
tends to be naive, gullible.
86
00:03:25,540 --> 00:03:27,640
I love that you're smart now.
87
00:03:28,313 --> 00:03:30,143
That's your classic game-day breakfast...
88
00:03:30,245 --> 00:03:31,845
your carbs, fiber, your protein.
89
00:03:31,913 --> 00:03:33,480
You throw a shot of brandy in there,
90
00:03:33,582 --> 00:03:35,048
you'll be ready to play in the Ice Bowl.
91
00:03:35,150 --> 00:03:38,551
I don't eat beets. Never have, never will.
92
00:03:38,653 --> 00:03:41,054
When you were 2,
you ate a dime and a butterfly.
93
00:03:41,156 --> 00:03:42,322
Now your body is a temple?
94
00:03:42,424 --> 00:03:44,157
He can eat a protein bar in the car.
95
00:03:44,259 --> 00:03:47,427
We still have to pick up some
players that live far away.
96
00:03:47,529 --> 00:03:48,928
Gloria, this is not okay.
97
00:03:49,031 --> 00:03:49,929
It's legal.
98
00:03:50,032 --> 00:03:51,965
They have P.O. boxes in the district.
99
00:03:52,034 --> 00:03:54,434
And besides, everybody bends the rules.
100
00:03:54,536 --> 00:03:56,770
I swear the goalie from the other team
101
00:03:56,872 --> 00:03:58,438
has been my Uber driver.
102
00:03:58,540 --> 00:04:00,273
Gloria, I'm trying to get the kid
103
00:04:00,375 --> 00:04:02,742
to eat his vegetables.
I could use a little support.
104
00:04:02,844 --> 00:04:03,843
Why aren't you dressed?
105
00:04:03,945 --> 00:04:06,179
You're supposed to referee two games today.
106
00:04:06,281 --> 00:04:07,847
I told you I don't want to do that!
107
00:04:07,949 --> 00:04:09,516
I got my boxing match tonight.
108
00:04:09,618 --> 00:04:11,751
Besides, those ref outfits are stupid.
109
00:04:11,853 --> 00:04:13,253
Walk it off. You're fine.
110
00:04:13,355 --> 00:04:16,589
- Move it, Joe.
- You're not hearing that?
111
00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:20,960
So, Haley, you tell us about Alex.
112
00:04:21,063 --> 00:04:23,630
Well, it was not easy
sharing a room with a genius.
113
00:04:23,732 --> 00:04:26,299
She was always up reading and calculating,
114
00:04:26,401 --> 00:04:28,201
but she also inspired me.
115
00:04:28,303 --> 00:04:29,469
When I turned 21, I said,
116
00:04:29,571 --> 00:04:32,305
"Haley, time to be your own woman,"
117
00:04:32,407 --> 00:04:33,807
and I moved into the basement.
118
00:04:33,875 --> 00:04:35,875
I'm sorry.
I don't... I don't mean to interrupt,
119
00:04:35,977 --> 00:04:38,044
but I just keep replaying
120
00:04:38,146 --> 00:04:40,847
my answer to you about my parenting style.
121
00:04:40,916 --> 00:04:42,482
Oh, don't give it a second thought.
122
00:04:42,584 --> 00:04:46,019
But when I said I wanted to run away
and never come back, that was a joke.
123
00:04:46,121 --> 00:04:47,587
- Yeah, absolutely.
- I know.
124
00:04:47,656 --> 00:04:49,089
It's just that you wrote it down like...
125
00:04:49,157 --> 00:04:50,857
- Mom, let it go.
- Okay.
126
00:04:50,926 --> 00:04:54,294
So, Alex, I see you spent
your summer in Honduras.
127
00:04:54,362 --> 00:04:57,530
Any other travel that inspired...
128
00:04:57,599 --> 00:04:58,731
Mrs. Dunphy?
129
00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:01,501
If you could maybe just
make a little, like, L-O-L
130
00:05:01,570 --> 00:05:04,003
next to my joke, so then it's super clear.
131
00:05:04,139 --> 00:05:05,805
Australia, a camping trip to Costa Rica,
132
00:05:05,874 --> 00:05:07,907
- and a month in Europe.
- Excellent.
133
00:05:07,976 --> 00:05:10,510
Well, she does come
by her wanderlust honestly.
134
00:05:10,579 --> 00:05:12,445
The kids here all know
about my high school trip
135
00:05:12,514 --> 00:05:14,647
to the Soviet Union.
136
00:05:14,716 --> 00:05:16,416
Yeah, but she doesn't need
to hear about that.
137
00:05:16,518 --> 00:05:18,718
- No, please. Continue.
- In the depths of the Cold War,
138
00:05:18,787 --> 00:05:20,954
my tumbling team was part
of a cultural exchange.
139
00:05:21,022 --> 00:05:23,089
I became friends with a
Russian tumbler named Sergei
140
00:05:23,158 --> 00:05:25,358
who wanted to hear all about the U.S.
141
00:05:25,460 --> 00:05:27,594
He asked me to...
to send pictures when I got home,
142
00:05:27,662 --> 00:05:29,195
and not just touristy stuff.
143
00:05:29,264 --> 00:05:30,964
Sergei was interested in ordinary things...
144
00:05:31,066 --> 00:05:34,234
uh, airports, um,
power plants, train stations.
145
00:05:34,336 --> 00:05:36,202
His family was in the fence business.
146
00:05:36,271 --> 00:05:40,607
He said our military had
the best fencing in the world.
147
00:05:40,675 --> 00:05:45,011
I must have sent him 50 pictures
of the perimeter of Camp Pendleton.
148
00:05:45,814 --> 00:05:48,681
Anyway, we don't want
to take up your whole day.
149
00:05:48,750 --> 00:05:50,483
You wouldn't have time
to write up your report,
150
00:05:50,585 --> 00:05:52,452
which you could title "Alex Dunphy:
151
00:05:52,521 --> 00:05:55,421
The Apple that fell very far from the Tree."
152
00:05:55,457 --> 00:05:57,357
- Thank you all very much. We will be in touch.
- Thank you.
153
00:05:57,425 --> 00:05:58,324
Okay, bye-bye.
154
00:05:58,426 --> 00:05:59,792
- Bye.
- Fun chatting.
155
00:05:59,895 --> 00:06:03,429
You know what? We Dunphys clean up
pretty well when we want to, don't we?
156
00:06:03,532 --> 00:06:05,064
Are you kidding me?
157
00:06:05,133 --> 00:06:08,701
Mom, did you really have to
OCD all over her notebook?
158
00:06:08,803 --> 00:06:12,705
And you, bragging about still
living at home at, like, what? 30?
159
00:06:12,807 --> 00:06:15,375
And Dad, well done.
160
00:06:15,443 --> 00:06:17,210
There's nothing that
cinches a government job
161
00:06:17,279 --> 00:06:19,245
like finding out your dad was a Russian spy!
162
00:06:19,347 --> 00:06:20,914
Luke was right about all of you.
163
00:06:21,016 --> 00:06:23,416
Commandant, Peter Pan, Dreamer.
164
00:06:23,518 --> 00:06:27,053
Thank you, Alexandra. It's not easy
being the smart ones in this family.
165
00:06:27,155 --> 00:06:28,888
Don't compare us!
166
00:06:28,990 --> 00:06:30,557
Your last English paper came back
167
00:06:30,659 --> 00:06:33,526
with a Garfield sticker on it that said
"Way to go!"
168
00:06:33,628 --> 00:06:36,029
That's the second highest
sticker she gives out!
169
00:06:41,108 --> 00:06:43,775
Another fresh one,
courtesy of Princess Layer.
170
00:06:43,844 --> 00:06:44,910
Another new name?
171
00:06:44,979 --> 00:06:47,212
She's already been Egg
Ryan and Chicky Minaj.
172
00:06:47,281 --> 00:06:49,147
I know having a chicken isn't your dream.
173
00:06:49,249 --> 00:06:51,083
But if it makes you feel any better,
174
00:06:51,151 --> 00:06:52,951
I think I know who I am again.
175
00:06:53,053 --> 00:06:55,687
A person who hates chickens!
176
00:06:55,756 --> 00:06:59,224
They are filthy and beyond stupid.
177
00:06:59,293 --> 00:07:01,627
The moment I can find the receipt,
I am returning that chicken.
178
00:07:01,695 --> 00:07:02,761
But I'm not gonna let Mitchell know because,
179
00:07:02,796 --> 00:07:05,564
like that vile bird, I made a big stink.
180
00:07:05,633 --> 00:07:08,634
Oh. We're out of chicken feed again?
181
00:07:08,702 --> 00:07:11,570
I have a meeting at the school
today with the homecoming committee.
182
00:07:11,605 --> 00:07:12,671
If polling is correct,
183
00:07:12,740 --> 00:07:14,272
the new queen is gonna be in a wheelchair,
184
00:07:14,375 --> 00:07:18,377
and we already blew our ramp budget on
a balloon drop, so could you maybe...
185
00:07:18,445 --> 00:07:21,113
Cam, this will be my third trip to
the feed and grain store this week.
186
00:07:21,181 --> 00:07:26,084
We agreed that you'd be the one
to take care of this awful thing.
187
00:07:26,153 --> 00:07:28,820
I've never really felt
a connection to animals,
188
00:07:28,889 --> 00:07:31,289
but there's just something
about that chicken.
189
00:07:31,358 --> 00:07:33,892
The soulful eyes, the nervous movements,
190
00:07:33,961 --> 00:07:36,628
the cute little splash of red on top.
191
00:07:36,730 --> 00:07:38,230
She's just likeable.
192
00:07:38,298 --> 00:07:40,332
Plus, I love going to that feed store.
193
00:07:40,401 --> 00:07:43,101
T-The second I walk through the door,
I'm one of them.
194
00:07:45,072 --> 00:07:46,805
- Howdy, Bobby.
- Hey.
195
00:07:46,874 --> 00:07:47,773
Smells like rain.
196
00:07:47,841 --> 00:07:49,241
What are you doing back so soon?
197
00:07:49,343 --> 00:07:51,610
Yeah, I told you you got to buy
more than one bag of feed at a time.
198
00:07:51,679 --> 00:07:53,245
No, it's no bother.
199
00:07:53,313 --> 00:07:55,514
No, it's nice to get out of the field,
200
00:07:55,582 --> 00:07:57,783
away from the chicken... s.
201
00:07:58,986 --> 00:08:00,152
Evenin'.
202
00:08:01,722 --> 00:08:03,255
The problem is I can't let Cam know
203
00:08:03,323 --> 00:08:05,991
that I'm enjoying my new
life as a gentleman farmer.
204
00:08:06,060 --> 00:08:07,926
I-I've spent our whole relationship
205
00:08:07,995 --> 00:08:10,529
trying to tamp down his farm-ness.
206
00:08:10,597 --> 00:08:12,130
Ugh, it's all the encouragement he'd need
207
00:08:12,199 --> 00:08:15,500
to... to move us to Missouri
and go full Old MacDonald.
208
00:08:15,602 --> 00:08:17,373
E-I-E-I-no.
209
00:08:19,473 --> 00:08:22,507
Did I leave that unlatched? Oh, God.
210
00:08:22,576 --> 00:08:25,844
Hennifer? Hennifer?!
211
00:08:26,984 --> 00:08:29,448
Hey, are you Ridley?
I'm reffing the 1:00 game.
212
00:08:29,550 --> 00:08:32,451
Hey, do I get my voucher for
a hot dog before or after?
213
00:08:32,519 --> 00:08:34,753
Oh... Hey. You got your whistle?
214
00:08:34,822 --> 00:08:36,221
Oh, damn. I forgot it.
215
00:08:36,290 --> 00:08:39,224
Late and no whistle?
Where's your respect for the game?
216
00:08:39,259 --> 00:08:40,525
On a football field somewhere.
217
00:08:40,594 --> 00:08:42,728
- Hey, what do you say I borrow yours?
- Are you kidding?
218
00:08:42,796 --> 00:08:44,196
I just lost six weeks of school to mono.
219
00:08:44,264 --> 00:08:45,263
You're on field 4.
220
00:08:47,306 --> 00:08:49,201
All right. Let's get this over with.
221
00:08:49,269 --> 00:08:50,969
You are the referee for my game?
222
00:08:51,071 --> 00:08:52,437
You don't know anything about soccer.
223
00:08:52,506 --> 00:08:54,740
Take that up with the lady
who forced me into this.
224
00:08:55,547 --> 00:08:56,641
Okay, purple, let's go!
225
00:08:56,744 --> 00:08:58,443
Joe, Finn, Clyde up front!
226
00:08:58,545 --> 00:09:00,245
Lucas, Dylan, Chad in the back!
227
00:09:00,347 --> 00:09:02,247
Estefan, in goal!
228
00:09:02,282 --> 00:09:05,383
I'm guessing that Estefan is the
kid who lives out of the district?
229
00:09:05,486 --> 00:09:07,419
His legs are hairier than mine,
230
00:09:07,488 --> 00:09:09,488
and I think he was wearing a wedding ring.
231
00:09:09,556 --> 00:09:12,991
Let's get this party started, rookie.
232
00:09:14,975 --> 00:09:18,096
Okay, they won't start
unless you use the whistle.
233
00:09:18,198 --> 00:09:20,966
Whistle! Whistle!
234
00:09:21,068 --> 00:09:24,136
Clyde, it's open! Yes!
235
00:09:24,171 --> 00:09:27,272
Whistle! No goal! Purple offside!
236
00:09:27,341 --> 00:09:29,040
Offside? Are you blind?
237
00:09:29,143 --> 00:09:31,977
He's right.
Free kick for red right where the ball is.
238
00:09:32,079 --> 00:09:34,579
Yes, free kick for red
right where the ball is.
239
00:09:34,681 --> 00:09:36,515
And... whistle.
240
00:09:37,751 --> 00:09:40,418
For the first time in weeks,
Gloria had to listen to me.
241
00:09:40,487 --> 00:09:43,054
I was in charge. Ridley said so.
242
00:09:44,217 --> 00:09:45,357
Goal, yes!
243
00:09:45,425 --> 00:09:47,325
Coach, you're running up the score.
244
00:09:47,394 --> 00:09:48,960
You got to sub in some
of your weaker players.
245
00:09:49,029 --> 00:09:51,196
How about this kid with the neck pillow?
It's usually a tip-off.
246
00:09:51,265 --> 00:09:53,498
I'm not running up the score. I'm winning.
247
00:09:53,534 --> 00:09:56,368
You either make the substitution
or you are leaving my field.
248
00:09:56,436 --> 00:09:58,103
- Pbht.
- That's it! Whistle!
249
00:09:58,205 --> 00:09:59,070
You're out of here!
250
00:10:01,375 --> 00:10:02,307
Doesn't frighten me.
251
00:10:05,412 --> 00:10:06,778
How about that?
252
00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:07,879
A little bit.
253
00:10:10,551 --> 00:10:11,950
Oh, hey, Haley. What's up?
254
00:10:12,019 --> 00:10:13,785
I'm kind of mad at my family, actually.
255
00:10:13,821 --> 00:10:16,321
They keep saying I have one of
those Peter Pan personalities,
256
00:10:16,390 --> 00:10:17,789
so, um, change of plans.
257
00:10:17,858 --> 00:10:19,191
We're going to a play, not the circus.
258
00:10:19,293 --> 00:10:20,225
Wait, what?
259
00:10:20,294 --> 00:10:21,459
Dylan, don't make a thing out of this.
260
00:10:21,562 --> 00:10:24,129
The elephant's not going to remember
you promised to see him next year.
261
00:10:24,164 --> 00:10:27,465
No, Haley. I-I can't hear you.
Bad reception.
262
00:10:27,568 --> 00:10:28,633
Let me move up.
263
00:10:32,573 --> 00:10:33,805
Was Alex right?
264
00:10:33,841 --> 00:10:37,175
Had I been an unwitting... an unwitting spy?
265
00:10:37,244 --> 00:10:39,811
I even dug out an old
article they'd done on me
266
00:10:39,880 --> 00:10:41,580
in a Russian newspaper during my trip.
267
00:10:41,648 --> 00:10:43,381
Sergei told me the headline said,
268
00:10:43,417 --> 00:10:45,672
"Young Tumbler's Mission of Friendship."
269
00:10:45,752 --> 00:10:48,353
A quick scan into Google
Translate revealed the truth...
270
00:10:48,422 --> 00:10:52,090
"Famous Tumbler Denounces the West."
271
00:10:52,159 --> 00:10:53,725
I needed some fresh air to clear my head.
272
00:10:53,760 --> 00:10:55,293
Had I been that big a dupe in high school?
273
00:10:55,362 --> 00:10:58,163
And if so, what was stopping them
from trying to use me again today?
274
00:11:07,262 --> 00:11:08,440
Hey, Mr. D!
275
00:11:08,542 --> 00:11:11,977
Hey, hey, hey! What's up, buddy?!
276
00:11:18,218 --> 00:11:20,385
Makes you crazy, doesn't it, Commandant?
277
00:11:20,487 --> 00:11:21,620
No.
278
00:11:21,688 --> 00:11:24,256
So you weren't about to
straighten that chair?
279
00:11:24,291 --> 00:11:26,625
Because if the whole world
isn't completely ordered,
280
00:11:26,693 --> 00:11:28,493
it feels like your skin is on fire?
281
00:11:28,562 --> 00:11:30,896
This is literally armchair psychology.
282
00:11:30,998 --> 00:11:34,266
Luke, your label for me was spot on.
I am a Dreamer.
283
00:11:34,334 --> 00:11:36,034
No, worse, I'm a... I'm a patsy,
284
00:11:36,103 --> 00:11:37,502
a mark, a full-on sucker!
285
00:11:37,571 --> 00:11:39,738
Phil, calm down. You're not a dupe.
286
00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:41,473
Have a seat.
287
00:11:41,541 --> 00:11:42,474
- Sad.
- Hmm.
288
00:11:42,509 --> 00:11:44,743
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Dylan. Sweet lid.
289
00:11:44,811 --> 00:11:46,378
- What did it cost you?
- Zilch.
290
00:11:46,446 --> 00:11:49,297
Someone threw a bunch of them
in the trash across the street.
291
00:11:49,332 --> 00:11:50,682
So, uh, Haley's waiting for you downstairs.
292
00:11:50,751 --> 00:11:52,484
- Off you go.
- Hang on. I used to have a Panama that looked a little like...
293
00:11:52,586 --> 00:11:53,985
And my fedora!
294
00:11:54,021 --> 00:11:56,221
You duped me into believing we
were donating them to ISSBA,
295
00:11:56,290 --> 00:11:58,189
and you were just gonna
throw them in the trash.
296
00:11:58,258 --> 00:11:59,958
But this doesn't just hurt me, Claire.
297
00:12:00,027 --> 00:12:01,426
What about the poor people at the Institute
298
00:12:01,495 --> 00:12:04,462
for Sun-Sensitive Bald... Americans?
299
00:12:04,564 --> 00:12:05,931
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Phil.
300
00:12:05,999 --> 00:12:07,732
It's just that woman was
coming and the interview...
301
00:12:07,801 --> 00:12:09,334
and there was all that clutter.
302
00:12:09,436 --> 00:12:11,836
I'm sick. Tell him, Luke.
303
00:12:11,872 --> 00:12:13,738
Save it, Claire.
You think of me what everyone thinks of me.
304
00:12:13,807 --> 00:12:16,308
I'm a rube, a pigeon, a greenhorn.
305
00:12:16,376 --> 00:12:18,910
Okay, Dylan.
Let's get you changed and lose the hat.
306
00:12:19,012 --> 00:12:21,846
It's rude to block people's views where
we'll be spending our afternoon...
307
00:12:21,949 --> 00:12:24,115
at an adult theater.
308
00:12:24,217 --> 00:12:25,917
Huh.
309
00:12:26,019 --> 00:12:28,853
I mean, we all knew there was
gonna be a third one, right?
310
00:12:28,922 --> 00:12:30,121
- I didn't!
- Okay.
311
00:12:32,641 --> 00:12:35,075
- I must have left the latch open.
- You probably did.
312
00:12:35,110 --> 00:12:37,495
I... I know how much
that chicken means to you.
313
00:12:37,597 --> 00:12:38,830
So much.
314
00:12:38,899 --> 00:12:40,131
And now something this painful...
315
00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:43,535
I-I don't think I could
have a chicken again ever.
316
00:12:43,637 --> 00:12:45,570
Wait, wait. T-The security camera.
317
00:12:45,639 --> 00:12:47,672
We can... We can find out
exactly what happened.
318
00:12:47,741 --> 00:12:49,474
Oh, yeah. I... forgot about that.
319
00:12:49,576 --> 00:12:51,643
Mitchell, Mitchell, wait, wait.
320
00:12:51,678 --> 00:12:53,445
You're not used to the harsh
realities of farm life.
321
00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:55,513
All these animals... they seem so sweet,
322
00:12:55,582 --> 00:12:58,016
but it's a bloodbath at
the first sign of weakness,
323
00:12:58,085 --> 00:13:01,086
like dinner with our friends when
one person gets up from the table.
324
00:13:01,154 --> 00:13:02,420
Oh, my God. Okay, well, you... you look
325
00:13:02,456 --> 00:13:04,289
- and tell me what happened.
- Okay.
326
00:13:04,653 --> 00:13:07,110
And later, tell me what people
say when I leave the table.
327
00:13:07,145 --> 00:13:10,228
Okay, well, nothing happening yet.
328
00:13:10,330 --> 00:13:11,262
Okay, you know, I want to see.
329
00:13:11,331 --> 00:13:13,665
No. No, no, no. Don't.
330
00:13:13,998 --> 00:13:15,333
Oh, no. Oh, no.
331
00:13:15,435 --> 00:13:17,335
- Something's come into the backyard.
- What?
332
00:13:17,437 --> 00:13:18,737
I think it's a raccoon.
333
00:13:18,839 --> 00:13:22,741
- Oh! Oh, the... Oh, the horror!
- Oh, my God!
334
00:13:22,843 --> 00:13:24,409
No, no. No, she's fighting.
335
00:13:24,511 --> 00:13:26,077
She's fighting, Mitchell,
with every fiber...
336
00:13:26,179 --> 00:13:28,146
- That's right.
- ...of her indomitable chicken-y spirit.
337
00:13:28,812 --> 00:13:30,648
And it's over. Oh, gosh.
338
00:13:30,751 --> 00:13:32,484
Well, that's the worst
farm calamity I've seen
339
00:13:32,586 --> 00:13:33,985
since a dinner theater
production of "Oklahoma!"
340
00:13:34,087 --> 00:13:35,987
starring Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
341
00:13:36,089 --> 00:13:37,489
Delete. Hmm.
342
00:13:38,117 --> 00:13:38,957
Where's the body?
343
00:13:39,059 --> 00:13:41,026
Um, dragged off.
344
00:13:41,128 --> 00:13:42,394
Well, then she could still be alive!
345
00:13:42,462 --> 00:13:43,595
W-We have to look for her.
346
00:13:43,697 --> 00:13:45,830
Okay. G-Grab her favorite squeak toy.
347
00:13:45,932 --> 00:13:46,931
Okay, well, which... which one?
348
00:13:47,034 --> 00:13:48,892
Squirrely Temple or Lionardo DiCaprio?
349
00:13:48,927 --> 00:13:50,598
It's like you don't even know her.
350
00:13:51,496 --> 00:13:55,409
"Dead-end alcoholics...
broken lives, and broken dreams..."
351
00:13:55,511 --> 00:13:57,377
Nope, nothing about Spider-Man.
352
00:13:57,446 --> 00:13:59,313
Must be a different Iceman that cometh.
353
00:13:59,415 --> 00:14:01,448
That's okay. It could still be good.
354
00:14:01,550 --> 00:14:05,219
But, Dylan, you have to stop
looking at the carnival over there.
355
00:14:05,287 --> 00:14:07,821
I'm sorry,
but it just might be easier to enjoy
356
00:14:07,890 --> 00:14:10,724
this unsparing look at life's castoffs
357
00:14:10,826 --> 00:14:12,359
if I knew that afterwards,
358
00:14:12,461 --> 00:14:15,662
we were gonna walketh over there
and goeth to the bumper cars.
359
00:14:15,731 --> 00:14:17,798
I'm literally asking for only...
360
00:14:17,833 --> 00:14:19,266
4 1/2 hours?
361
00:14:19,368 --> 00:14:22,035
Look. I know you want to prove
that we're mature adults,
362
00:14:22,104 --> 00:14:23,470
but look at this line.
363
00:14:23,572 --> 00:14:25,606
We are the young people here.
364
00:14:25,708 --> 00:14:26,774
Whereas...
365
00:14:26,876 --> 00:14:28,609
At the carnival, we'd be, like,
366
00:14:28,644 --> 00:14:30,677
the oldest people there?
367
00:14:30,746 --> 00:14:32,446
May I remind you what
they said to us last time
368
00:14:32,515 --> 00:14:34,248
when they escorted us out of the ball pit?
369
00:14:34,316 --> 00:14:37,584
"Excuse me,
but this attraction isn't really for..."
370
00:14:37,653 --> 00:14:39,186
- "Adults."
- Aha.
371
00:14:39,288 --> 00:14:42,623
- M'lady.
- M'Dylan.
372
00:14:44,026 --> 00:14:45,392
Okay, we need to talk.
373
00:14:45,461 --> 00:14:46,927
You bet we need to talk.
374
00:14:46,962 --> 00:14:48,662
I was out of bounds throwing
you out of that game.
375
00:14:48,697 --> 00:14:50,898
You bet you were out of bounds
throwing me out of that game.
376
00:14:50,966 --> 00:14:52,499
But it was all my fault, Jay.
377
00:14:52,568 --> 00:14:54,768
You bet it was all my fault, Jay...
378
00:14:54,837 --> 00:14:56,804
Don't Bugs Bunny me.
379
00:14:56,839 --> 00:14:59,373
Okay. So we both like to be in charge.
380
00:14:59,408 --> 00:15:01,608
But when it comes to Joe,
can we both be on the same page?
381
00:15:01,677 --> 00:15:03,243
Like this morning when
I was trying to get him
382
00:15:03,312 --> 00:15:06,213
to eat his vegetables? Back me up.
383
00:15:06,282 --> 00:15:08,315
I knew I should have
thrown away those beets!
384
00:15:08,384 --> 00:15:09,950
Stupid. What am I, 4?
385
00:15:10,019 --> 00:15:13,387
I guess we're not setting
a very good example.
386
00:15:13,455 --> 00:15:17,191
Exactly! When we say no to each other,
he thinks he can say no to us.
387
00:15:17,259 --> 00:15:18,959
Yeah, like for his homework, his bedtime...
388
00:15:19,028 --> 00:15:20,894
Or something important like
eating those nutritious...
389
00:15:22,798 --> 00:15:24,264
- Whistle!
- Whistle!
390
00:15:25,951 --> 00:15:26,900
Phil, look.
391
00:15:26,936 --> 00:15:28,936
I'm really sorry I lied
to you about the hats.
392
00:15:29,038 --> 00:15:30,804
But in all fairness,
you do have a tendency to...
393
00:15:30,906 --> 00:15:32,906
This again? How I can't throw anything away?
394
00:15:32,975 --> 00:15:36,510
We have 100 episodes of "Hoarders" on DVR
395
00:15:36,545 --> 00:15:38,111
in case you want to watch them again.
396
00:15:38,147 --> 00:15:39,213
That's not what this is about.
397
00:15:39,281 --> 00:15:41,982
This is about me blindly believing
whatever anybody tells me.
398
00:15:42,051 --> 00:15:44,418
You're being too hard on yourself.
399
00:15:44,486 --> 00:15:46,186
You want to see the best in people.
400
00:15:46,288 --> 00:15:48,255
It doesn't mean you're
gonna believe just anything.
401
00:15:48,324 --> 00:15:50,657
Really? What about
our beloved family heirloom?
402
00:15:50,759 --> 00:15:52,059
- Claire?
- Hmm?
403
00:15:52,094 --> 00:15:55,062
Is this real, or am I just a
fourth-generation Dunphy dummy?
404
00:15:55,130 --> 00:15:59,600
Well, uh,
Mickey's shoulders are a bit muscular.
405
00:15:59,668 --> 00:16:02,169
But, perhaps, Walt customized it
406
00:16:02,271 --> 00:16:04,471
for your great-grandfather
because he was, uh...
407
00:16:04,540 --> 00:16:05,706
He was a longshoreman?
408
00:16:05,808 --> 00:16:07,507
- He sold ladies' bonnets.
- Oh.
409
00:16:07,576 --> 00:16:09,776
Mom, can you slip Dad's credit card
back in his wallet before he...
410
00:16:09,879 --> 00:16:11,578
Oh. Hey, handsome.
411
00:16:11,647 --> 00:16:13,347
Further proof of how you all see me...
412
00:16:13,415 --> 00:16:15,048
as a turnip truck faller-offer!
413
00:16:15,150 --> 00:16:17,017
- No.
- Then I'll ask you.
414
00:16:17,086 --> 00:16:20,587
Do you believe that this
was drawn by Walt Disney?
415
00:16:20,689 --> 00:16:22,222
Uh...
416
00:16:22,291 --> 00:16:23,924
Alex, get in here.
417
00:16:23,993 --> 00:16:25,559
- Alex!
- No, honey, you know what she's gonna say.
418
00:16:25,628 --> 00:16:27,527
Her optometrist won't
even let her wear contacts
419
00:16:27,563 --> 00:16:30,330
'cause of all the excessive
eye rolling... Hi.
420
00:16:30,432 --> 00:16:31,535
I need to know the truth.
421
00:16:32,201 --> 00:16:35,035
Alex, real or unreal?
422
00:16:36,243 --> 00:16:37,037
Real.
423
00:16:37,106 --> 00:16:39,439
Yeah, it's a little off, but didn't you say
424
00:16:39,541 --> 00:16:41,408
he had to draw it in the back of a truck?
425
00:16:41,477 --> 00:16:43,043
And what hitchhiker
426
00:16:43,112 --> 00:16:44,811
would be carrying around a drafting pencil
427
00:16:44,914 --> 00:16:46,380
if he wasn't some sort of an animator?
428
00:16:46,886 --> 00:16:50,717
And who would run out of
gas on the side of the road
429
00:16:50,819 --> 00:16:53,587
but a starry-eyed dreamer envisioning
the happiest place on earth?
430
00:16:53,656 --> 00:16:56,156
So... real.
431
00:16:56,225 --> 00:16:57,491
Also I got the job.
432
00:16:57,593 --> 00:16:58,992
- What?
- Hey.
433
00:16:59,094 --> 00:17:01,061
Yeah, they just called.
I'm still in shock myself.
434
00:17:01,130 --> 00:17:02,696
Oh, honey. I'm so proud of you.
435
00:17:02,798 --> 00:17:04,331
Oh, let me get some champagne.
436
00:17:04,433 --> 00:17:05,666
Luke, help me with the glasses.
437
00:17:05,734 --> 00:17:08,502
Alex, that's amazing.
I knew you could do it.
438
00:17:08,604 --> 00:17:09,736
You say that about everything.
439
00:17:09,838 --> 00:17:12,406
- Well, I know, but...
- No, thank you.
440
00:17:12,508 --> 00:17:16,209
Riding a bike, my first cello concert,
441
00:17:16,245 --> 00:17:18,946
freshman chemistry, this job...
442
00:17:19,014 --> 00:17:21,682
every time I was sure I
couldn't do something,
443
00:17:21,784 --> 00:17:22,983
you convinced me I could.
444
00:17:23,919 --> 00:17:26,520
It's nice to have a believer in the house.
445
00:17:34,496 --> 00:17:36,229
I don't see her anywhere.
446
00:17:36,265 --> 00:17:38,365
All right, let's maybe turn around
and look over there?
447
00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:40,300
Okay, Mitchell,
why would the chicken cross the road?
448
00:17:40,402 --> 00:17:42,769
We were never finding that chicken.
449
00:17:42,838 --> 00:17:45,038
After an unpleasant struggle that I only won
450
00:17:45,107 --> 00:17:47,474
after sustaining multiple scratches,
451
00:17:47,543 --> 00:17:48,942
I put it in the back seat of my car,
452
00:17:49,011 --> 00:17:52,179
drove it to the egg farm,
and lobbed it over the fence.
453
00:17:52,247 --> 00:17:54,081
They can fly a little.
454
00:17:54,149 --> 00:17:56,383
Oh, your arm's all scratched up.
What happened?
455
00:17:56,452 --> 00:17:58,185
Oh, um, it's probably
from when I was trying to
456
00:17:58,253 --> 00:18:00,620
break that fight up with those, um...
those blue jays.
457
00:18:00,689 --> 00:18:02,255
- Oh.
- Oh, gosh. Oh, God.
458
00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:03,390
Oh, man.
459
00:18:03,492 --> 00:18:05,792
I am all of a sudden feeling very tired.
460
00:18:05,828 --> 00:18:07,361
- Well, do you want me to drive?
- No, no, it's fine.
461
00:18:07,463 --> 00:18:08,328
- Cam, watch out!
- Oh, my God!
462
00:18:12,501 --> 00:18:14,034
You got rid of Hennifer.
463
00:18:15,632 --> 00:18:16,703
Okay, I admit it.
464
00:18:16,739 --> 00:18:18,572
I hated that chicken, and I was too ashamed
465
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:20,841
to say anything cause I...
I made such a big stink
466
00:18:20,943 --> 00:18:22,642
out of you shaming the country out of me.
467
00:18:22,711 --> 00:18:23,643
I'm sorry.
468
00:18:23,746 --> 00:18:25,078
I have a confession.
469
00:18:25,147 --> 00:18:27,247
- I love that chicken.
- Really?
470
00:18:27,282 --> 00:18:29,483
I-I didn't want to admit it
because I like to see myself
471
00:18:29,585 --> 00:18:31,952
as a sort of, you know,
sophisticated urbanite.
472
00:18:32,350 --> 00:18:33,587
But I guess you...
473
00:18:33,655 --> 00:18:35,022
you countrified me a little.
474
00:18:35,090 --> 00:18:37,157
Well, you citified me.
475
00:18:37,259 --> 00:18:39,126
- Aww, that's kind of sweet.
- It is.
476
00:18:39,194 --> 00:18:40,594
You know,
now we just need to find an activity
477
00:18:40,662 --> 00:18:43,697
that satisfies the
straw-chewing country boy in you
478
00:18:43,799 --> 00:18:46,933
and the window-shopping cosmopolitan in me.
479
00:18:48,837 --> 00:18:51,038
Drive up the road a piece.
480
00:18:51,625 --> 00:18:53,640
Now, will this horse shampoo harm a cat?
481
00:18:53,742 --> 00:18:55,108
Because I just... I love the scent.
482
00:18:55,998 --> 00:18:57,511
Collar up or down?
483
00:18:57,546 --> 00:18:58,678
Uh, down.
484
00:18:58,781 --> 00:19:00,580
Yeah.
485
00:19:03,412 --> 00:19:05,052
You'll pay for that!
486
00:19:06,488 --> 00:19:08,355
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
487
00:19:08,457 --> 00:19:10,357
Timeout, timeout! I just saw my reflection!
488
00:19:10,426 --> 00:19:13,026
I told you that churro was
going to drink up my lipstick.
489
00:19:13,128 --> 00:19:14,995
Time in!
490
00:19:15,097 --> 00:19:16,496
Oh, my God!
491
00:19:16,598 --> 00:19:18,799
Dylan, the lipstick went up my nose!
492
00:19:18,867 --> 00:19:20,667
It's really jammed up there!
493
00:19:20,769 --> 00:19:23,804
Oh, okay. Stay still, Haley.
494
00:19:23,906 --> 00:19:25,772
I'll... I'll hit you from the other side.
495
00:19:27,489 --> 00:19:30,077
What are you doing?
496
00:19:32,381 --> 00:19:35,182
Just want to let you know,
the x-ray shows no broken nose.
497
00:19:35,284 --> 00:19:37,484
I guess you figured out we
were acting kind of childish.
498
00:19:37,586 --> 00:19:39,052
Enjoy it while you can, right?
499
00:19:39,154 --> 00:19:42,055
Yeah. Who says we have to race
into being adults?
500
00:19:42,157 --> 00:19:43,723
Why wouldn't you want
to enjoy a carefree life
501
00:19:43,826 --> 00:19:45,025
as long as you could?
502
00:19:45,127 --> 00:19:46,393
At least until the baby comes.
503
00:19:46,495 --> 00:19:48,175
Oh, that's years away. Trust me.
504
00:19:48,831 --> 00:19:51,731
Actually, we always run
a blood test before anesthesia.
505
00:19:51,834 --> 00:19:52,999
You're pregnant.
506
00:19:58,736 --> 00:20:02,304
We can be here all night.
507
00:20:02,407 --> 00:20:03,606
I couldn't.
508
00:20:03,708 --> 00:20:05,741
I was late to watch the fight at Shorty's.
509
00:20:05,843 --> 00:20:08,077
By the time I got there, the Polish sausage
510
00:20:08,146 --> 00:20:10,913
was gonna be down to
those puckered end pieces.
511
00:20:15,720 --> 00:20:17,520
Listen, I'll meet you halfway.
512
00:20:17,588 --> 00:20:18,821
When your mother's not looking,
513
00:20:18,923 --> 00:20:20,823
you eat a beet, I eat a beet.
514
00:20:20,925 --> 00:20:22,091
Deal?
515
00:20:24,195 --> 00:20:26,328
Mi amor, can I get some wine?
516
00:20:27,865 --> 00:20:29,598
That was Estefan's father.
517
00:20:29,700 --> 00:20:31,767
The Green Goblins are trying to recruit him.
518
00:20:31,869 --> 00:20:35,104
I need to stop by the ATM
and then go to his house.
519
00:20:35,206 --> 00:20:38,681
When your daddy's not looking,
let's split the beets, okay?
520
00:20:42,914 --> 00:20:45,481
Fine. I'm ready to eat these,
521
00:20:45,583 --> 00:20:46,816
but can we turn off the lights
522
00:20:46,918 --> 00:20:48,984
so I don't have to see how gross they are?
523
00:20:49,086 --> 00:20:50,486
- Makes sense.
- Good idea.
524
00:20:53,739 --> 00:20:56,592
- Bravo, papi!
- That's my guy!
525
00:20:59,867 --> 00:21:01,889
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