1 00:00:00,973 --> 00:00:02,770 So then the guy says to the housekeeper: 2 00:00:02,975 --> 00:00:06,240 "Make sure she's dead." Stop me if you've heard this before. 3 00:00:06,445 --> 00:00:08,345 Would've been nice 27 minutes ago. 4 00:00:08,547 --> 00:00:11,983 The housekeeper says to the guy, "We don't have a pool." 5 00:00:13,486 --> 00:00:14,475 And the guy says... 6 00:00:14,687 --> 00:00:16,052 Good morning, Greendale. 7 00:00:16,255 --> 00:00:18,553 Just a reminder, our debate team will bring home 8 00:00:18,758 --> 00:00:20,988 the championship tomorrow versus City College. 9 00:00:21,560 --> 00:00:22,822 Go, Human Beings. 10 00:00:23,029 --> 00:00:26,089 Great, now I gotta start the whole joke over again. 11 00:00:26,565 --> 00:00:28,965 Okay, so this... No! I've got one for you. 12 00:00:29,168 --> 00:00:31,830 A doddering old fool walks into a bar, 13 00:00:32,038 --> 00:00:35,371 tells a stupid joke, and I crush his windpipe with my three-ringed binder. 14 00:00:37,243 --> 00:00:39,336 I don't get it. Britta's trying to give up cigarettes. 15 00:00:39,545 --> 00:00:40,842 Don't tell them my business. 16 00:00:41,047 --> 00:00:44,244 I'll slap that look off your pointy face. 17 00:00:44,450 --> 00:00:49,513 Britta, I'm saying this because I care about you and you're my friend. 18 00:00:49,722 --> 00:00:51,189 You need to start smoking again. 19 00:00:51,390 --> 00:00:52,789 I really think you should. 20 00:00:52,992 --> 00:00:55,927 You lose weight and your skin looks great when you smoke. 21 00:00:56,128 --> 00:00:58,688 Guys, I appreciate your support, but I've got to quit. 22 00:00:58,898 --> 00:01:00,593 Have you thought about hypnotherapy? 23 00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:03,291 I know a hypnotherapist. Ten-to-one says it's him. 24 00:01:03,502 --> 00:01:06,699 His name is Pierce Hawthorne. And I'm very effective. 25 00:01:06,906 --> 00:01:10,501 Can you help me block out people's voices I find extremely annoying? 26 00:01:10,710 --> 00:01:12,439 Jeff, she's right there. 27 00:01:12,645 --> 00:01:14,135 Pierce, 28 00:01:14,347 --> 00:01:16,281 I would be grateful for your help. 29 00:01:16,482 --> 00:01:19,178 You would? Super. I'll set it up. 30 00:01:19,385 --> 00:01:20,875 What? I feel bad for him. 31 00:01:21,087 --> 00:01:22,486 Plus, I just yelled at him. 32 00:01:22,688 --> 00:01:24,019 You yelled at me too. Oh. 33 00:01:24,223 --> 00:01:25,884 Did I hurt your feelings, pointy face? 34 00:01:26,092 --> 00:01:27,684 Wow. Wow. 35 00:01:27,893 --> 00:01:30,487 Have you seen the film department's website? 36 00:01:30,696 --> 00:01:32,493 What do you think? 37 00:01:33,032 --> 00:01:35,660 All of Abed's films are about us. What? 38 00:01:35,868 --> 00:01:37,335 Check it out. 39 00:01:39,071 --> 00:01:40,060 What else is new? 40 00:01:40,272 --> 00:01:41,364 Jeff. 41 00:01:41,574 --> 00:01:42,541 Hola. 44 00:01:49,348 --> 00:01:51,475 Those people look just like us. That's eerie. 45 00:01:51,684 --> 00:01:54,915 Fine, it's true. I'm living out of my car. 46 00:01:55,287 --> 00:01:56,481 And I don't want anyone's help. 47 00:01:58,090 --> 00:02:00,650 We had almost that exact conversation last week. 48 00:02:00,860 --> 00:02:03,693 Yeah, but Abed posted this video two weeks ago. 49 00:02:05,097 --> 00:02:06,257 That boy is a soothsayer. 50 00:02:08,601 --> 00:02:11,570 This is wrinkling my brain. This is wrinkling my brain. 51 00:02:11,771 --> 00:02:13,238 That's wrinkling my brain. 52 00:02:13,439 --> 00:02:15,031 Get a load of these wrinkles. 53 00:02:15,274 --> 00:02:18,402 Heh, heh. Who's that old guy? Hi. I'm Pierce Hawthorne. 54 00:02:18,611 --> 00:02:19,771 Oh, come on. 55 00:02:26,819 --> 00:02:28,912 There he is. Oh. Mr. Winger. Hold on. 56 00:02:29,121 --> 00:02:31,681 Did you to hear my announcement? I hang on every word. 57 00:02:31,891 --> 00:02:33,654 I assume that's sarcasm. Correct. 58 00:02:33,859 --> 00:02:35,656 You didn't hear? I'm barely listening now. 59 00:02:35,861 --> 00:02:36,850 Oh, okay. 60 00:02:37,063 --> 00:02:40,260 My debate partner dropped out. We need you for the championship. 61 00:02:40,466 --> 00:02:43,526 Jeffrey, as debate coach, I'm offering you an opportunity 62 00:02:43,736 --> 00:02:46,102 to spend a night drinking from the cup of life 63 00:02:46,305 --> 00:02:48,899 rather than romancing your nether regions in front of the E! Channel. 64 00:02:49,108 --> 00:02:52,908 Come on, Jeff, who better than a former lawyer to really stick it 65 00:02:53,112 --> 00:02:56,570 to those City College snobs and their star debater, Simmons? 66 00:02:56,782 --> 00:02:59,114 Mmm. Pass. 67 00:02:59,652 --> 00:03:00,949 Okay, no, no, no. Wait. 68 00:03:01,153 --> 00:03:02,279 Okay, no, no, no. Look. 69 00:03:02,488 --> 00:03:03,477 Listen, jerk wad. 70 00:03:03,689 --> 00:03:05,850 I'm sorry, that got heated. 71 00:03:06,058 --> 00:03:07,491 Greendale needs a win. 72 00:03:07,693 --> 00:03:10,253 The best compliment our sports program gets 73 00:03:10,463 --> 00:03:12,488 is that our basketball team is really gay. 74 00:03:12,698 --> 00:03:14,359 So, what's it gonna take? 75 00:03:14,567 --> 00:03:17,764 A plum parking space? Free meals? 76 00:03:17,970 --> 00:03:22,805 A night of companionship, if you know what I mean? 77 00:03:23,676 --> 00:03:25,576 I'll do it for the parking space. 78 00:03:25,778 --> 00:03:27,746 And if you promise not to tell me what you mean. 79 00:03:29,115 --> 00:03:30,173 All right. Yeah. 80 00:03:30,716 --> 00:03:33,514 Pierce, thank you. I really appreciate you helping me out. 81 00:03:33,719 --> 00:03:35,209 And I appreciate the opportunity. 82 00:03:35,421 --> 00:03:38,254 You know, sometimes I think people don't take me seriously. 83 00:03:38,457 --> 00:03:39,446 What are you gonna do? 84 00:03:39,658 --> 00:03:41,523 Wave a pocket watch in front of my face 85 00:03:41,727 --> 00:03:43,991 and tell me I'm getting very sleepy. 86 00:03:45,464 --> 00:03:47,523 Just checking the time. 87 00:03:47,867 --> 00:03:51,598 Now close your eyes and keep them closed at all times. 88 00:03:52,071 --> 00:03:55,666 And listen to the soothing sound of my voice. 89 00:03:55,875 --> 00:03:58,503 The only word that will bring you out is 90 00:03:59,812 --> 00:04:01,279 "gorilla." 91 00:04:01,480 --> 00:04:05,246 Okay, now, focus on the rhythm of your own breathing. 92 00:04:06,685 --> 00:04:09,176 And when you feel the desire to light up a cigarette 93 00:04:09,388 --> 00:04:12,949 you will associate these urges with things in your life that disgust you. 94 00:04:13,159 --> 00:04:14,786 Bad tasting food, 95 00:04:14,994 --> 00:04:16,222 sex with men, 96 00:04:16,428 --> 00:04:17,986 wearing attractive clothing. 97 00:04:21,333 --> 00:04:23,733 Oh, God, I think I really hurt myself. 98 00:04:23,936 --> 00:04:25,403 Somebody help me. 99 00:04:25,838 --> 00:04:27,328 Oh! Britta, wake up. 100 00:04:27,540 --> 00:04:29,974 Why did I put you under so well? 101 00:04:30,176 --> 00:04:32,508 Damn my talents. Aah! 102 00:04:32,711 --> 00:04:36,078 The topic for the debate is, "Are people inherently good or evil?" 103 00:04:36,282 --> 00:04:38,409 When do you want to get together to strategize? 104 00:04:38,617 --> 00:04:40,084 Annie, I was a lawyer. 105 00:04:40,286 --> 00:04:41,719 I was a debater for money. 106 00:04:41,921 --> 00:04:44,116 I think I can handle this. 107 00:04:45,691 --> 00:04:46,749 So how was hypnotherapy? 108 00:04:46,959 --> 00:04:51,919 He fell down while I laid there to make him feel like a good hypnotherapist. 109 00:04:52,131 --> 00:04:54,599 You realize this will never end. It's already done. 110 00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:56,267 He just wants one more session. 111 00:04:56,468 --> 00:04:58,095 ♪ Wah-waah! ♪ 112 00:04:58,437 --> 00:05:00,405 Where's Abed? I need to talk to him about his films. 113 00:05:00,606 --> 00:05:03,734 That boy is flat-out prescient. He can read our minds. 114 00:05:06,912 --> 00:05:08,539 I know. You watched my movies. 115 00:05:08,747 --> 00:05:10,112 He's a witch. Get him. 116 00:05:10,316 --> 00:05:12,546 I'm not a witch. I'm a student of human character. 117 00:05:12,751 --> 00:05:15,549 I know you guys all so well I can predict your behavior. 118 00:05:15,754 --> 00:05:20,020 Like, Shirley, I know you're a sweet, Christian, generous person. 119 00:05:20,226 --> 00:05:22,751 Oh, that's nice. Oh, that's nice. 120 00:05:22,962 --> 00:05:24,259 I know you have rage issues. 121 00:05:24,463 --> 00:05:26,294 Careful, boy. Oh! Careful, boy. 122 00:05:26,732 --> 00:05:29,462 Here, check this out. May I? Okay. Yeah. 123 00:05:30,903 --> 00:05:32,598 Jeff acts like nothing affects him, 124 00:05:32,805 --> 00:05:35,035 but things bother him more than he lets on. 125 00:05:35,241 --> 00:05:37,402 Hey, I'm top of the class. 126 00:05:38,944 --> 00:05:40,775 He's also very vain. 127 00:05:41,247 --> 00:05:42,874 Pfft! Ridiculous. 128 00:05:43,082 --> 00:05:44,743 Ohh. 129 00:05:46,218 --> 00:05:49,813 Why am I crying? Will I listen to "Come Sail Away" by Styx again? 130 00:05:50,022 --> 00:05:53,458 Don't worry, Troy, it's just a movie. I can't predict the future. 131 00:05:53,926 --> 00:05:55,757 I hurt my leg. Ah! 132 00:05:57,763 --> 00:06:00,027 What up, happy people? 133 00:06:00,232 --> 00:06:02,393 You tell me my future right now, evil wizard. 134 00:06:02,601 --> 00:06:05,661 By the way, I think your shirt's trying to get out of your pants. 135 00:06:07,373 --> 00:06:11,901 As Golding's Lord of the Flies demonstrates, man, 136 00:06:12,111 --> 00:06:14,944 when left to his own devices, will descend 137 00:06:15,147 --> 00:06:18,674 into chaos and evil. 138 00:06:25,691 --> 00:06:29,855 And now, from City College, Jeremy Simmons. 139 00:06:32,564 --> 00:06:35,328 Jeremy. Jeremy. 140 00:06:35,534 --> 00:06:37,661 Jeremy. Jeremy. 141 00:06:42,007 --> 00:06:44,999 There were 23,000 142 00:06:45,911 --> 00:06:49,005 kidney donations in America last year. 143 00:06:49,581 --> 00:06:50,946 Man is good. 144 00:06:51,150 --> 00:06:56,713 The average life expectancy for a man in a community 145 00:06:57,222 --> 00:07:01,386 is 23 years longer than a man alone. 146 00:07:01,593 --> 00:07:03,561 Man is good. 147 00:07:03,762 --> 00:07:08,290 And just 10 minutes ago, a bald, bespectacled man 148 00:07:08,500 --> 00:07:11,526 held the door for a man in a wheelchair. 149 00:07:11,737 --> 00:07:13,136 Man is good. 150 00:07:14,773 --> 00:07:17,333 Oh. Heh, heh. I hate this guy. 151 00:07:17,543 --> 00:07:19,704 By the end of this debate 152 00:07:19,912 --> 00:07:23,939 I will prove with facts and data 153 00:07:24,149 --> 00:07:27,846 that man is inherently good. 154 00:07:30,556 --> 00:07:33,354 Little trick for achieving the proper competitive mind set. 155 00:07:33,559 --> 00:07:35,390 I always envision my opponent 156 00:07:35,594 --> 00:07:37,892 having aggressive sex with my mother. 157 00:07:47,106 --> 00:07:49,074 This feels so formal. 158 00:07:50,275 --> 00:07:51,970 Let's just talk. 159 00:07:52,544 --> 00:07:55,069 People are evil. They can't help it. 160 00:07:56,148 --> 00:07:58,082 I didn't catch your name. 161 00:07:58,784 --> 00:08:00,649 It's Jean. Take Jean here. 162 00:08:00,853 --> 00:08:04,789 She spent a lot of time this morning making herself look so lovely. 163 00:08:05,958 --> 00:08:09,416 Tell me, how many people bothered to tell you how great you look today? 164 00:08:10,195 --> 00:08:11,560 None. Man is evil. 165 00:08:11,764 --> 00:08:14,062 But you just said how great I looked. 166 00:08:14,266 --> 00:08:16,826 For my own selfish purposes. 167 00:08:17,035 --> 00:08:20,266 The fact is, as hot as you look 168 00:08:20,472 --> 00:08:24,806 and it is quite hot, I wouldn't have said anything. 169 00:08:25,010 --> 00:08:27,035 When I talk about people being evil, 170 00:08:27,246 --> 00:08:29,339 I could cite quotes, or dig up statistics, 171 00:08:29,548 --> 00:08:31,709 but those are just words and numbers. 172 00:08:31,917 --> 00:08:35,751 I think we could have a little more fun 173 00:08:35,954 --> 00:08:39,617 if I express myself in song. 174 00:08:40,192 --> 00:08:43,491 ♪ Evil woman ♪ 175 00:08:44,029 --> 00:08:47,260 ♪ Evil woman ♪♪ 176 00:08:48,867 --> 00:08:50,459 That's my time, everybody. 177 00:08:50,669 --> 00:08:52,466 Thank you very much. Yeah. 178 00:08:55,541 --> 00:08:57,702 At the end of round one. 179 00:08:57,910 --> 00:09:00,674 City College, 50. 180 00:09:02,614 --> 00:09:04,946 Greendale, eight. 181 00:09:08,487 --> 00:09:10,387 I got eight? 182 00:09:12,191 --> 00:09:13,681 I only got eight? She got eight. 183 00:09:13,892 --> 00:09:17,191 You got zero. It's debate, not American Idol. 184 00:09:20,566 --> 00:09:22,329 Nice work, L.A. Law. 185 00:09:22,534 --> 00:09:24,934 All sizzle, no steak. 186 00:09:25,137 --> 00:09:27,628 I don't care, dude. I'm doing this for a parking space. 187 00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:29,467 Let's go, boys. Come on, let's go. 188 00:09:29,675 --> 00:09:32,007 I wanna see some hustlers out there. Let's go. 189 00:09:32,211 --> 00:09:34,873 By Zeus. What sort of jackassery is this? 190 00:09:35,080 --> 00:09:36,980 We're in the middle of a debate. 191 00:09:37,182 --> 00:09:39,980 We reserved the gym for practice so... 192 00:09:40,185 --> 00:09:41,243 Yup, they reserved it. 193 00:09:41,453 --> 00:09:44,115 Okay, they got us by the short ones. 194 00:09:44,323 --> 00:09:46,848 The debate is suspended until tomorrow. 195 00:09:47,059 --> 00:09:49,823 Hopefully, by then we can get our act together. 196 00:09:51,196 --> 00:09:54,063 Oh, great try, Bruce. Great try. 197 00:09:56,568 --> 00:09:58,968 When are we getting together to prepare for tomorrow? 198 00:09:59,171 --> 00:10:01,298 Never. Because it's stupid and I don't care. 199 00:10:01,507 --> 00:10:03,304 Bite me. 200 00:10:04,877 --> 00:10:08,210 Maybe Simmons is right. You really are all sizzle and no steak. 201 00:10:08,413 --> 00:10:11,644 You probably couldn't beat him. What do you mean, I can't beat him? 202 00:10:11,850 --> 00:10:15,616 You and I are going to study harder and beat City College tomorrow. 203 00:10:15,821 --> 00:10:16,845 Really? No. 204 00:10:17,055 --> 00:10:19,250 Who am I, iCarly? 205 00:10:19,458 --> 00:10:22,655 Abed is right, you act like things don't bother you, but they do. 206 00:10:22,861 --> 00:10:25,921 Look, six months ago I was a lawyer. I wore suits. 207 00:10:26,131 --> 00:10:29,066 I used to say stuff like "objection" and "sidebar." 208 00:10:29,268 --> 00:10:31,566 Now I'm losing a community college debate 209 00:10:31,770 --> 00:10:33,704 to Jeremy "Soul Patch" Simmons. 210 00:10:33,906 --> 00:10:35,203 Hey, Winger. 211 00:10:36,174 --> 00:10:37,698 You like to sing? 212 00:10:37,910 --> 00:10:40,276 I like to sing too. 213 00:10:40,479 --> 00:10:43,880 ♪ Zero for Winger ♪ 214 00:10:44,550 --> 00:10:45,539 Kick that. 215 00:10:45,751 --> 00:10:48,413 ♪ Was a big shot lawyer ♪ 216 00:10:50,055 --> 00:10:55,891 ♪ Now he's a loser ♪♪ 217 00:10:56,094 --> 00:10:58,528 Lay off, Simmons. Jeff didn't understand the rules. 218 00:10:58,730 --> 00:11:00,288 Yeah? 219 00:11:00,499 --> 00:11:04,230 What's your excuse, eight points? Dude, leave her out of this. 220 00:11:04,436 --> 00:11:10,375 ♪ Little Annie Adderall Was an outcast in high school ♪♪ 221 00:11:10,576 --> 00:11:13,739 That's it. Dude, we are gonna debate the living crap out of you. 222 00:11:15,747 --> 00:11:17,772 We've got some preparing to do. 223 00:11:17,983 --> 00:11:19,382 I liked you better smoking. 224 00:11:19,585 --> 00:11:20,950 I'm so sorry. No. 225 00:11:21,153 --> 00:11:23,781 You're right, my feet are long and stupid. 226 00:11:24,222 --> 00:11:25,655 You can't unring that bell. 227 00:11:27,092 --> 00:11:28,753 Oh, no. 228 00:11:29,828 --> 00:11:32,194 That's my newspaper. What do you need a paper for? 229 00:11:32,397 --> 00:11:34,797 You knew what was gonna happen, you Magic Eight Ball. 230 00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:37,230 Pierce hurt his leg. Britta made Troy cry. 231 00:11:38,170 --> 00:11:40,229 What's my destiny? Am I gonna die in a car? 232 00:11:40,439 --> 00:11:44,068 Is it going to happen soon? Shirley, I'm just an entertainer. 233 00:11:44,276 --> 00:11:46,107 But if it will make you feel better, 234 00:11:46,311 --> 00:11:48,472 here, let me show you what I'm working on. 235 00:11:52,217 --> 00:11:54,515 Were... No. Were... 236 00:11:54,987 --> 00:11:57,182 Is that me being chased down by a werewolf? 237 00:11:57,389 --> 00:11:59,789 Yeah, that's how you'd behave in that situation. No? 238 00:11:59,992 --> 00:12:02,256 The situation being me being chased down by a werewolf. 239 00:12:02,461 --> 00:12:03,758 Mm-hm. 240 00:12:09,635 --> 00:12:11,102 And that's Jeff locking lips with Annie? 241 00:12:11,303 --> 00:12:14,204 Mm-hm. Yeah. You're a fool. 242 00:12:14,406 --> 00:12:17,898 Stanford students were divided into prisoners and guards. 243 00:12:18,110 --> 00:12:19,134 The guards immediately started to abuse... 244 00:12:19,344 --> 00:12:20,311 Ugh! 245 00:12:20,512 --> 00:12:24,243 What's wrong? I have this pain above my eyebrow. 246 00:12:24,449 --> 00:12:27,145 It's a stress headache. I got my first one when I was 4. 247 00:12:27,352 --> 00:12:28,444 I hate it. 248 00:12:28,654 --> 00:12:31,384 Well, get to used to it. You're knee-deep in it, brother. 249 00:12:31,590 --> 00:12:32,579 This is debate. 250 00:12:32,791 --> 00:12:35,191 If you want to win, you need to prepare. 251 00:12:35,394 --> 00:12:36,383 Well, agreed. 252 00:12:36,595 --> 00:12:39,894 But if you want to win, you need to loosen up. 253 00:12:40,098 --> 00:12:42,862 Go off-book, robot debater. 254 00:12:43,669 --> 00:12:45,330 Oh, my gosh. 255 00:12:46,605 --> 00:12:48,095 You're right. 256 00:12:49,074 --> 00:12:52,305 Simmons is so good at using his inherent magnetism 257 00:12:52,511 --> 00:12:56,413 to sell his points and here I am, like a spinster librarian 258 00:12:56,615 --> 00:12:57,877 with my hair pulled back. 259 00:12:58,517 --> 00:12:59,882 Yeah. 260 00:13:08,560 --> 00:13:11,154 What do you think? Yeah. 261 00:13:12,497 --> 00:13:14,260 Thanks. 262 00:13:15,033 --> 00:13:17,263 Be careful. Abed thinks you two are going to kiss. 263 00:13:17,903 --> 00:13:20,269 Ha-ha-ha! Ridiculous. 264 00:13:20,906 --> 00:13:22,771 Us kissing. 265 00:13:22,974 --> 00:13:24,908 That is ridiculous. Totally. 266 00:13:30,882 --> 00:13:32,611 We should get back to work. Yes. 267 00:13:32,818 --> 00:13:36,777 Okay. The... People are inherently evil. 268 00:13:36,988 --> 00:13:39,786 Oh, we can use this Hobbes quote. 269 00:13:40,625 --> 00:13:43,890 "Man is a collection of base, animal urges." 270 00:13:44,096 --> 00:13:46,758 To act on them and experience sinful pleasure 271 00:13:46,965 --> 00:13:50,731 "would be morally no different than taking a breath." 272 00:13:52,437 --> 00:13:54,405 That's poignant, right? Yeah. 273 00:13:54,606 --> 00:13:56,836 You know, maybe we should study alone. 274 00:13:57,042 --> 00:13:58,703 Yeah. Uh-huh. Separately. 275 00:13:58,910 --> 00:14:01,879 That way we can be more reproductive... Productive. 276 00:14:03,448 --> 00:14:04,972 Bye. Bye. 277 00:14:09,955 --> 00:14:12,856 Oh, you forgot your phone. Oh, I can get another one. 278 00:14:14,159 --> 00:14:16,889 The next time you even see a cigarette, 279 00:14:17,095 --> 00:14:19,655 you will think of things that disgust you. 280 00:14:24,903 --> 00:14:28,304 And while you're under so deep, 281 00:14:28,740 --> 00:14:32,506 you'll find yourself attracted to slightly older men. 282 00:14:33,178 --> 00:14:38,878 Perhaps some barrel-chested stud with just enough, heh, tummy to love. 283 00:14:39,084 --> 00:14:40,881 You'll want to buy him dinner. 284 00:14:41,086 --> 00:14:42,849 Then go back to his hot tub. 285 00:14:43,054 --> 00:14:46,023 You'll invite one of your friends to join us for a three-way. 286 00:14:46,224 --> 00:14:50,320 Maybe someone with low self-esteem and slightly larger breasts. 287 00:14:51,530 --> 00:14:53,691 Go to hell, you disgusting pig. 288 00:14:53,899 --> 00:14:54,957 A-ha! 289 00:14:55,167 --> 00:14:57,158 Pierce, I was awake the whole time. I was faking it. 290 00:14:57,369 --> 00:14:59,496 I know. I saw you. 291 00:14:59,704 --> 00:15:01,968 What do you think I am? Some joke? No. 292 00:15:02,174 --> 00:15:05,143 No, I was trying to make you feel better about yourself. 293 00:15:05,343 --> 00:15:07,937 How dare you pity me. 294 00:15:09,114 --> 00:15:11,241 I may be a little older, 295 00:15:11,449 --> 00:15:15,442 my ideas may seem weird, my fashion sense may cause envy, 296 00:15:15,654 --> 00:15:20,489 but I have a lot to offer and I will not to be pitied. 297 00:15:27,699 --> 00:15:29,189 Do not help me up. 298 00:15:30,702 --> 00:15:34,866 And as German poet Franz Wickmeyer once wrote: 299 00:15:36,942 --> 00:15:39,934 "Snow falls from the heavens pure. 300 00:15:41,313 --> 00:15:45,750 We cannot blame the snow for being soiled by the Earth." 301 00:15:50,388 --> 00:15:52,481 Man is good. 302 00:15:57,596 --> 00:15:59,223 What? That dude gets it. 303 00:15:59,831 --> 00:16:02,265 Jeff Winger will now offer a two-minute rebuttal. 304 00:16:05,904 --> 00:16:07,235 Hey, sizzle. 305 00:16:07,439 --> 00:16:10,431 What are you going to sing tonight? I'm in the mood for Sade. 306 00:16:15,580 --> 00:16:19,676 In the Stanford Prison Experiment, 21 out of 21 students, 307 00:16:19,885 --> 00:16:24,584 when given absolute power, abused and tortured their fellow students. 308 00:16:24,789 --> 00:16:28,748 My competitor likened people to pure, falling snow. 309 00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:34,626 I would respond, "There is none righteous, no, not one." 310 00:16:34,833 --> 00:16:39,270 Now, I realize Mr. Simmons' quote was from the great Franz Wickmeyer. 311 00:16:39,471 --> 00:16:43,305 Mine was just from a simple desert handyman 312 00:16:43,508 --> 00:16:44,702 named Jesus. 313 00:16:48,480 --> 00:16:49,970 Oh, that's nice. 314 00:16:50,482 --> 00:16:54,578 Survival of the fittest wires an impulse to eliminate people into our hearts. 315 00:16:54,786 --> 00:16:57,380 Counter point. Mother Teresa, Joan of Arc. 316 00:16:57,589 --> 00:16:59,113 Rebuttal. Nuclear bombs. 317 00:16:59,324 --> 00:17:01,315 Nuclear families. Abu Ghraib. 318 00:17:01,526 --> 00:17:03,653 Apu from The Simpsons. Double rejoinder. 319 00:17:03,862 --> 00:17:05,489 Telemarketers. Organ donors. 320 00:17:05,697 --> 00:17:07,062 Hate crimes. Executions. 321 00:17:07,265 --> 00:17:08,630 Ketchup is a vegetable. 322 00:17:08,833 --> 00:17:10,926 Wow. This is a real barn-burner. 323 00:17:11,136 --> 00:17:12,763 Oh, God, did I just say cross-burner? 324 00:17:12,971 --> 00:17:14,996 No, you did not. Oh, good. 325 00:17:15,206 --> 00:17:16,332 We make an amazing team. 326 00:17:16,541 --> 00:17:19,533 I know, we're so in sync, we're like a perfect duet or great se... 327 00:17:19,744 --> 00:17:22,577 Hey, Professor Whitman. Your preparation was impeccable. 328 00:17:22,781 --> 00:17:26,239 You remind me of a young me with slightly worse hair. 329 00:17:26,451 --> 00:17:27,884 I just checked with the judges. 330 00:17:28,086 --> 00:17:30,213 They'll need a miracle to win in rebuttal. 331 00:17:30,422 --> 00:17:32,617 Simmons is finished. 332 00:17:33,358 --> 00:17:35,383 This is too much for me. 333 00:17:37,462 --> 00:17:38,451 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 334 00:17:39,798 --> 00:17:41,425 He's going off-book. 335 00:17:42,801 --> 00:17:45,292 Why is he ripping the cards, doesn't he need the cards? 336 00:17:45,503 --> 00:17:46,868 It's a gambit. 337 00:18:25,944 --> 00:18:30,506 He hates me, yet he caught me. 338 00:18:31,950 --> 00:18:34,180 Man is good. 339 00:18:49,034 --> 00:18:51,025 Abed. Abed. 340 00:18:54,205 --> 00:18:56,673 He was horny, so he dropped him. 341 00:19:00,578 --> 00:19:03,672 Man is evil. 342 00:19:09,054 --> 00:19:10,248 Greendale wins. 343 00:19:12,824 --> 00:19:14,553 Huzzah! 344 00:19:16,327 --> 00:19:17,589 Eat that, Simmons. 345 00:19:20,732 --> 00:19:22,324 God. 346 00:19:22,634 --> 00:19:25,000 That off-book enough for you? 347 00:19:30,408 --> 00:19:31,739 Simmons got robbed. 348 00:19:31,943 --> 00:19:34,309 They kissed. You do have powers. 349 00:19:34,512 --> 00:19:35,809 I'm going to die by werewolf. 350 00:19:36,014 --> 00:19:37,948 Shirley, I don't have powers. Trust me. 351 00:19:38,149 --> 00:19:41,141 In my next film, we discover Pierce is an actual genius. 352 00:19:41,352 --> 00:19:43,377 That's not gonna happen. No, it's not. 353 00:19:43,588 --> 00:19:45,715 Pierce, I can't smoke a cigarette 354 00:19:45,924 --> 00:19:48,222 without thinking of a three-way in your hot tub. 355 00:19:48,426 --> 00:19:50,587 You did it. Yes. 356 00:19:50,795 --> 00:19:52,820 I did? You're a genius. 357 00:19:53,031 --> 00:19:54,760 Who's the third? 358 00:19:56,601 --> 00:19:58,228 You did great in there. 359 00:19:58,436 --> 00:20:00,370 Let's take this bacchanalia outside. 360 00:20:00,572 --> 00:20:02,472 Full moon tonight. 361 00:20:05,176 --> 00:20:07,337 Shirley. Shirley. 362 00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:11,348 Well, I'm going this way, so... 363 00:20:11,549 --> 00:20:14,518 Well, congratulations, 364 00:20:14,719 --> 00:20:15,879 buddy. 365 00:20:16,087 --> 00:20:17,213 Thanks, 366 00:20:17,422 --> 00:20:19,117 pal. 367 00:20:24,596 --> 00:20:26,359 Just pat me. 368 00:20:48,153 --> 00:20:51,384 Cut. Cut, let me ask you a question. Do you hate this? 369 00:20:51,589 --> 00:20:52,988 Do you hate doing this? 370 00:20:53,191 --> 00:20:54,283 Do you? 371 00:20:54,492 --> 00:20:56,551 Can I talk to you for a second? Just hold on. 372 00:21:04,569 --> 00:21:06,298 Just have fun with it. 373 00:21:07,639 --> 00:21:08,697 Take 36.