1
00:00:01,931 --> 00:00:04,627
A small, fading remnant of a star.

2
00:00:05,223 --> 00:00:07,191
A white dwarf.
That's right.

3
00:00:07,392 --> 00:00:08,791
I used a memory technique.

4
00:00:08,994 --> 00:00:12,020
Dwarves hate being called midgets,
and midgets are small.

5
00:00:12,364 --> 00:00:13,353
Good.

6
00:00:13,565 --> 00:00:16,864
And what does a star turn into
after it collapses?

7
00:00:17,069 --> 00:00:18,058
A movie of the week.

8
00:00:18,270 --> 00:00:19,635
A black hole.
Right.

9
00:00:19,838 --> 00:00:22,033
Troy, you could be an astronomer.

10
00:00:22,240 --> 00:00:26,108
As far as I'm concerned, there's only
one black hole worth studying.

11
00:00:28,046 --> 00:00:29,411
It's called Sagittarius A.

12
00:00:29,614 --> 00:00:34,574
It's located in the center of our galaxy
and it has the density of 40 suns.

13
00:00:35,821 --> 00:00:37,618
Just like my wiener.
Ha-ha.

14
00:00:37,823 --> 00:00:39,791
You said "wiener." That's funny.

15
00:00:39,991 --> 00:00:42,585
Pierce and Troy didn't get along at first but
now they're bonding through mutual adolescence.

16
00:00:42,794 --> 00:00:45,354
Shut up, fart head.
Will you shut up, poo-poo head?

17
00:00:45,897 --> 00:00:48,559
Hi, everybody. Ha-ha.
Well, look at this group.

18
00:00:48,767 --> 00:00:52,100
Having some kind of meeting and
being so diverse. There is just...

19
00:00:52,304 --> 00:00:55,603
Boy, there is just one
of every kind of you, isn't there?

20
00:00:55,807 --> 00:00:58,571
Well, we are missing a pipsqueak
but we don't want one, so beat it.

21
00:00:58,777 --> 00:01:00,301
Uh, Pierce, that's the dean.

22
00:01:01,213 --> 00:01:02,305
You kidding?

23
00:01:02,514 --> 00:01:04,345
Sorry. Just my luck.

24
00:01:04,549 --> 00:01:06,346
It's all right. Don't let me interrupt.

25
00:01:06,551 --> 00:01:09,384
Sometimes, I just roll around campus
like a little football.

26
00:01:09,588 --> 00:01:11,180
I can't believe this.

27
00:01:11,389 --> 00:01:14,586
Here I am in a random conversation
about football,

28
00:01:14,793 --> 00:01:19,230
and I'm talking to Troy Barnes, star
quarterback from Riverside High. Whoa. Heh.

29
00:01:19,431 --> 00:01:22,195
Troy, did you know Greendale
has a football team?

30
00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:24,129
Did you know they had a football?

31
00:01:24,336 --> 00:01:25,997
Ah. Heh. Good. That's very funny.

32
00:01:26,204 --> 00:01:29,970
Troy, I was so sorry to hear about your
injury, but now that you have recovered,

33
00:01:30,175 --> 00:01:32,837
we would love for you to play
for the Human Beings.

34
00:01:33,044 --> 00:01:34,705
The team's name is
the Human Beings?

35
00:01:34,913 --> 00:01:36,039
Yeah. My idea.

36
00:01:36,248 --> 00:01:39,115
It was the Greendale Grizzlies
but I thought that, um...

37
00:01:39,317 --> 00:01:42,844
Well, a lot of these students
have been called animals their whole lives.

38
00:01:43,155 --> 00:01:45,680
Unfortunately, I don't
know what to do about the mascot.

39
00:01:45,891 --> 00:01:47,381
Oh. I could help with that,
Your Honor.

40
00:01:47,592 --> 00:01:49,890
I have a wealth of experience
in image management,

41
00:01:50,095 --> 00:01:52,859
icon development,
and Y2K preparedness.

44
00:01:59,304 --> 00:02:00,828
How about you?
Troy isn't interested

45
00:02:01,039 --> 00:02:02,939
in football anymore.
Getting injured in that keg stand

46
00:02:03,141 --> 00:02:04,574
was the best thing
that ever happened to him.

47
00:02:04,776 --> 00:02:06,744
Whoa. Yoko Ono much?

48
00:02:06,945 --> 00:02:10,244
Ha-ha-ha.
Bros before ho's, Troy.

49
00:02:10,448 --> 00:02:12,177
Heh. Listen, man, no offense,

50
00:02:12,384 --> 00:02:14,852
but I was the best
and I finished on top.

51
00:02:15,053 --> 00:02:16,748
I wouldn't play for this school
with a 10-foot pole.

52
00:02:16,955 --> 00:02:19,617
Dean, I'm sure Troy will sign up
for football,

53
00:02:19,824 --> 00:02:23,988
if and when some accident damages
the part of his brain that feels pride.

54
00:02:24,196 --> 00:02:26,221
Until then, would you excuse us?
All right.

55
00:02:26,431 --> 00:02:29,559
Well, uh, if you change your mind,
the field is always open.

56
00:02:29,768 --> 00:02:32,134
Oh, figuratively speaking. You know.
Wednesdays and Sundays

57
00:02:32,337 --> 00:02:36,171
it's used as parking overflow
for the megachurch. Okay. Heh.

58
00:02:36,942 --> 00:02:40,036
Now let's meet the minimum requirements
for a language credit, shall we?

59
00:02:40,245 --> 00:02:43,043
Yes, but I need to go
to the bathroom first. Uh, Britta?

60
00:02:43,248 --> 00:02:44,772
Oh, no, I don't have to go.

61
00:02:46,084 --> 00:02:47,745
I'll go with you.

62
00:02:52,190 --> 00:02:53,350
What? She's offended?

63
00:02:53,959 --> 00:02:55,051
Girls go in groups.

64
00:02:55,260 --> 00:02:57,751
Did you learn nothing
from standup comedy in the '90s?

65
00:02:57,963 --> 00:02:59,760
I'm familiar with the concept,
I just... Uh...

66
00:02:59,965 --> 00:03:02,456
Fine. If it's important to Shirley,
I'll go next time.

67
00:03:02,667 --> 00:03:05,761
I'm willing to try some more
mainstream feminine stuff.

68
00:03:05,971 --> 00:03:08,303
Then you should know nothing says,
"I'm a woman"

69
00:03:08,506 --> 00:03:10,201
like doing it with me.

70
00:03:10,408 --> 00:03:14,071
Nothing says, "I'm a pig," like you.

71
00:03:14,412 --> 00:03:16,312
Will they or won't they?
Sexual tension.

72
00:03:16,514 --> 00:03:18,744
Abed. It makes the group
uncomfortable when you talk

73
00:03:18,950 --> 00:03:20,884
like we're characters in a show
you're watching.

74
00:03:21,086 --> 00:03:22,246
Well, that's sort of my gimmick.

75
00:03:22,454 --> 00:03:24,979
But we did lean on that pretty hard
last week.

76
00:03:25,190 --> 00:03:26,782
I can lay low for an episode.

77
00:03:36,079 --> 00:03:38,980
Are you sure you made the right
call on the football team, Troy?

78
00:03:39,182 --> 00:03:41,514
It looks like
they won something once.

79
00:03:41,718 --> 00:03:44,653
"Most Valued Customer,
Henderson Trophy Cases."

80
00:03:46,089 --> 00:03:48,751
We should still study
a little more astronomy later, right?

81
00:03:48,958 --> 00:03:51,927
Maybe over some Milky Ways
or some Mars bars.

82
00:03:52,128 --> 00:03:54,289
Or pancakes.

83
00:03:55,131 --> 00:03:58,225
"I'm Jeff and I'm a
student at Greendale"?

84
00:03:58,635 --> 00:04:00,569
Well, that's not good.

85
00:04:00,770 --> 00:04:03,261
Wood undergoes rapid oxidation

86
00:04:03,473 --> 00:04:06,033
because it reacts
spontaneously to...

87
00:04:08,211 --> 00:04:09,803
Okay, guys. Seriously.
We've talked about this.

88
00:04:10,013 --> 00:04:13,642
Okay, you have got to turn off
your cell ph...

89
00:04:14,217 --> 00:04:15,582
That's mine. My bad.

90
00:04:15,785 --> 00:04:19,152
I'm going to the bathroom.
Would you like to come with me?

91
00:04:19,589 --> 00:04:21,580
Well, yes. Yes, I would.

92
00:04:21,791 --> 00:04:22,917
That's nice.

93
00:04:23,126 --> 00:04:26,687
Okay, what's it called?
Antoni...? Hold on.

94
00:04:26,896 --> 00:04:28,989
Does anybody have a pen? A pen?

95
00:04:29,199 --> 00:04:30,359
No one has a pen.

96
00:04:30,567 --> 00:04:32,467
Why would you not bring a pen
to class?

97
00:04:32,669 --> 00:04:35,160
Idiot. No, you're not an idiot.
Ha-ha-ha.

98
00:04:35,472 --> 00:04:38,100
I had my blinker on about five
minutes and this no-good,

99
00:04:38,308 --> 00:04:41,277
"clearly bald but trying to hide it
with a bandana" loser swooped right in.

100
00:04:41,478 --> 00:04:43,241
I couldn't believe it.
Maybe he didn't see you.

101
00:04:43,446 --> 00:04:46,381
He saw me.
Maybe he had his blinker on too.

102
00:04:46,583 --> 00:04:47,777
Maybe.

103
00:04:47,984 --> 00:04:51,784
So you got any family, Britta?
Yeah. Whatever.

104
00:04:52,389 --> 00:04:55,552
My mom might visit this weekend.
She and I are gonna get makeovers at that spa...

105
00:04:55,759 --> 00:04:59,058
Makeovers. They sure have us
programmed right.

106
00:04:59,262 --> 00:05:04,290
I am a female pleasure unit.
I require a new coat of paint.

107
00:05:04,501 --> 00:05:05,559
Just something
I thought might be fun.

108
00:05:05,769 --> 00:05:07,464
Here's
something I think might be fun.

109
00:05:07,670 --> 00:05:11,504
Let's find out the number of makeup
companies that are owned by women.

110
00:05:11,708 --> 00:05:13,676
I'll save you the trouble. It's zero.

111
00:05:13,877 --> 00:05:16,505
Of course, you're saying,
"Britta, aren't you a hypocrite?

112
00:05:16,713 --> 00:05:20,171
You're plastered with glitter and goo
from head to toe like the rest of us."

113
00:05:20,383 --> 00:05:22,943
Well, I also pay income tax
and pull over for cops.

114
00:05:23,153 --> 00:05:24,984
But that doesn't mean I support
a country that oppresses citizens,

115
00:05:26,389 --> 00:05:27,583
restricts voting rights...

116
00:05:28,057 --> 00:05:30,753
Thanks for offering to help design
the new mascot.

117
00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:33,554
I, uh, have been a little stumped.
Heh. That's no problem.

118
00:05:33,763 --> 00:05:36,857
By the way, I took the liberty of
thumbnailing a Human Being prototype,

119
00:05:37,066 --> 00:05:41,469
<i>uh, which I modeled
after Da Vinci's Vitruvian Man.</i>

120
00:05:41,671 --> 00:05:44,640
Oh. You're offering it but...
The penis is a little small, I think.

121
00:05:44,841 --> 00:05:47,401
Oh, okay. It looks a lot like you.
Okay.

122
00:05:47,610 --> 00:05:48,975
Um, here's the thing.

123
00:05:49,179 --> 00:05:51,579
If we are the Human Beings,
you know,

124
00:05:51,781 --> 00:05:54,079
and we have a mascot
that's just a white guy,

125
00:05:54,284 --> 00:05:56,252
what message are we sending?

126
00:05:56,453 --> 00:05:59,081
Our symbol needs to reflect
the diversity of our school

127
00:05:59,289 --> 00:06:01,985
and our species.
So, black?

128
00:06:02,192 --> 00:06:04,922
No, because we're not the
Greendale Blacks, Mr. Hawthorne,

129
00:06:05,128 --> 00:06:07,221
or the Greendale Asians,
or any other creed.

130
00:06:07,430 --> 00:06:09,625
We are
the Greendale Human Beings.

131
00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:13,127
Yeah.
Sorry to disturb you guys.

132
00:06:14,137 --> 00:06:17,470
Who are clearly looking at a clearly naked
drawing of Pierce doing jumping jacks.

133
00:06:17,674 --> 00:06:19,904
Dean, a quick download, please?
Uh... Absolutely.

134
00:06:20,109 --> 00:06:23,101
Excuse me.
Okay. Fill me in later.

135
00:06:26,349 --> 00:06:27,577
Whoa-oh.

136
00:06:27,784 --> 00:06:29,649
Ah. Good, a pencil.

137
00:06:30,220 --> 00:06:32,188
First of all, I'm flattered.

138
00:06:32,388 --> 00:06:34,549
Oh, well,
you're a very photogenic man.

139
00:06:34,757 --> 00:06:37,055
Is that real bed head, or do you
put something in there? Can I?

140
00:06:37,260 --> 00:06:39,023
Oh. It's crispy.
I was thinking about

141
00:06:39,229 --> 00:06:41,129
the four disembodied heads
and I thought,

142
00:06:41,331 --> 00:06:42,821
Where's the heart?
Where's the soul?

143
00:06:43,032 --> 00:06:45,091
Where's the different poster design?

144
00:06:45,301 --> 00:06:47,360
You know I did think those
were less than personable.

145
00:06:47,570 --> 00:06:50,368
Which is why
I went with the full bodies

146
00:06:50,573 --> 00:06:53,838
in these mailers we have going out.
Ta-ta-ta.

147
00:06:54,344 --> 00:06:56,608
Mailers?
I didn't give permission for this.

148
00:06:56,813 --> 00:06:59,179
Jeffrey, did you not read
the release agreement

149
00:06:59,382 --> 00:07:02,351
on the back of your registration form?
Heh-heh-heh.

150
00:07:02,552 --> 00:07:05,715
I'm starting to see why someone
used to be a lawyer. Ha-ha-ha.

151
00:07:05,922 --> 00:07:08,823
Look, if someone from the outside
were to find...

152
00:07:09,025 --> 00:07:11,459
Okay, if someone from the outside
were to find out

153
00:07:11,661 --> 00:07:13,390
that I am a student
at a community college,

154
00:07:13,596 --> 00:07:16,827
that could have a negative impact
on my future career.

155
00:07:17,333 --> 00:07:18,891
Oh.

156
00:07:19,102 --> 00:07:21,730
Goodness.
Look what we have stumbled onto.

157
00:07:21,938 --> 00:07:24,168
An opportunity to help
each other out.

158
00:07:24,374 --> 00:07:26,808
I suppose I wouldn't need
this promotional campaign

159
00:07:27,010 --> 00:07:30,707
if I could announce to the press that
Troy Barnes is playing football here.

160
00:07:31,781 --> 00:07:34,113
I think he's been pretty clear
about declining that offer.

161
00:07:34,317 --> 00:07:36,046
I think if you said jump,
he'd say, "How high?"

162
00:07:36,252 --> 00:07:38,379
If you said stop,
he'd say "Hammer time."

163
00:07:38,588 --> 00:07:39,919
You starting to get what I mean?
Hmm?

164
00:07:40,123 --> 00:07:41,420
No, I need another example.

165
00:07:42,525 --> 00:07:44,516
You know, I didn't realize before,

166
00:07:44,727 --> 00:07:48,424
but we should send those out
to local businesses.

167
00:07:49,132 --> 00:07:55,264
Law firms, lawyer companies,

168
00:07:55,605 --> 00:07:59,769
legal gatherings.

169
00:07:59,976 --> 00:08:01,773
You trying to blackmail me?
I think so.

170
00:08:01,978 --> 00:08:07,109
Gentlemen, I present to you
the Greendale Human Being.

171
00:08:07,350 --> 00:08:08,874
That's a falcon with a gun.

172
00:08:10,820 --> 00:08:12,447
Now it's a falcon with an erection.

173
00:08:17,560 --> 00:08:19,391
Oh, hi, Abed.

174
00:08:19,596 --> 00:08:23,692
Hmm.
Bye. He's just laying low.

175
00:08:23,900 --> 00:08:25,731
Oh, are you going to the bathroom?
Uh... Yes.

176
00:08:25,935 --> 00:08:29,371
I'll go with you.
You know what? I'm good.

177
00:08:31,708 --> 00:08:34,233
She probably just, you know,
had to go number two.

178
00:08:36,879 --> 00:08:39,746
Okay, what's the closest planet
to Earth?

179
00:08:39,949 --> 00:08:42,679
Planet Hollywood?
Ha-ha-ha.

180
00:08:42,885 --> 00:08:46,480
That's not the right answer but
it shows how fun astronomy can be.

181
00:08:46,689 --> 00:08:48,589
Hey, Troy,
can I talk to you for a sec?

182
00:08:48,791 --> 00:08:50,622
We're studying, so Troy's busy.

183
00:08:50,827 --> 00:08:52,886
Well, the galaxy's
not going anywhere.

184
00:08:53,096 --> 00:08:54,120
I'll bring him back.

185
00:08:56,099 --> 00:08:57,794
You ever miss being
a quarterback, Troy?

186
00:08:58,001 --> 00:09:00,060
I miss being the best
at something.

187
00:09:00,269 --> 00:09:02,328
I miss having a coach.

188
00:09:02,805 --> 00:09:05,171
I miss knowing what to think.

189
00:09:05,375 --> 00:09:08,071
You still know what to think, Troy.
Oh, good.

190
00:09:08,277 --> 00:09:10,336
For instance, after the dean
talked to you about football,

191
00:09:10,546 --> 00:09:12,104
you and I were thinking
the same thing.

192
00:09:12,315 --> 00:09:13,509
That dude looks like Moby.

193
00:09:13,716 --> 00:09:16,378
We were thinking, what if
Troy did play for Greendale?

194
00:09:16,586 --> 00:09:19,248
You'd be surprised at how many of
your favorite football players

195
00:09:19,455 --> 00:09:21,446
got started at community college.

196
00:09:21,658 --> 00:09:23,125
Really? Name one.

197
00:09:23,326 --> 00:09:25,692
Who's your favorite player?
Me. Whoa.

198
00:09:26,229 --> 00:09:30,427
Maybe you and I should go check out
the Greendale Thunderdome.

199
00:09:36,706 --> 00:09:40,107
The dome arrives later.
It comes with thunder.

200
00:09:40,309 --> 00:09:42,402
Let me tell you
a little secret about me, Troy.

201
00:09:42,779 --> 00:09:44,406
Every day, on my way to school,

202
00:09:44,614 --> 00:09:47,105
I drive through downtown,
past the courthouse,

203
00:09:47,316 --> 00:09:49,910
just to get a glimpse of the world
that I once ruled.

204
00:09:50,119 --> 00:09:52,644
And I just wanna jump out of my car,
run up the steps,

205
00:09:52,855 --> 00:09:55,323
and exploit the legal system
for profit.

206
00:09:55,525 --> 00:09:58,619
But I can't.
I'm locked out of my old kingdom.

207
00:09:58,828 --> 00:10:01,194
You're not.
You see what I'm saying?

208
00:10:01,864 --> 00:10:05,197
You're saying I could be a lawyer.
I'm saying you're a football player.

209
00:10:05,401 --> 00:10:07,096
It's in your blood.
That's racist.

210
00:10:07,303 --> 00:10:08,702
Your soul.
That's racist.

211
00:10:08,905 --> 00:10:09,997
Your eyes?
That's gay?

212
00:10:10,206 --> 00:10:11,571
That's homophobic.
That's black.

213
00:10:11,774 --> 00:10:13,332
That's racist.
Damn.

214
00:10:13,543 --> 00:10:15,568
When you played, you were a god.

215
00:10:15,778 --> 00:10:17,541
Now you're not playing
and you're not.

216
00:10:17,747 --> 00:10:20,341
I'd tell you to do the math,
but math isn't important.

217
00:10:20,550 --> 00:10:22,074
The only thing
that's important is this.

218
00:10:22,285 --> 00:10:24,753
<i>Yeah, but Annie said...
Annie said that Benjamin Button</i>

219
00:10:24,954 --> 00:10:28,253
was compelling. Look, she's a smart
girl but sometimes she's just wrong.

220
00:10:28,458 --> 00:10:30,221
Eighty-five, go long.

221
00:10:30,426 --> 00:10:31,825
It's like a drug, isn't it?

222
00:10:32,028 --> 00:10:34,622
Feel it, Troy. Throw it.

223
00:10:35,498 --> 00:10:38,797
The scoreboard lights up.
There will be a scoreboard there.

224
00:10:39,001 --> 00:10:41,299
It's complete. Nice catch.

225
00:10:41,504 --> 00:10:44,837
The girls, the glory,
the scouts, the career.

226
00:10:45,041 --> 00:10:47,339
It starts when you join this team.

227
00:10:47,543 --> 00:10:49,135
Is that linebacker
a pregnant woman?

228
00:10:49,345 --> 00:10:50,778
Look, you can meet them later,

229
00:10:50,980 --> 00:10:53,608
but this decision has to be yours,
T-Bone.

230
00:10:53,816 --> 00:10:56,250
And this decision has to be yes.

231
00:10:56,452 --> 00:10:58,249
How did you know my nickname
was T-Bone?

232
00:10:58,454 --> 00:11:01,582
Because you're a football player
and your name begins with T.

233
00:11:03,426 --> 00:11:07,294
Your name begins with T.

234
00:11:12,001 --> 00:11:13,491
Britta?

235
00:11:14,137 --> 00:11:15,627
Oh, are you finished?

236
00:11:15,838 --> 00:11:19,239
I mean, I have to go, but apparently,
I failed yesterday's tryouts

237
00:11:19,442 --> 00:11:21,410
for the position
of bathroom companion.

238
00:11:21,611 --> 00:11:23,476
Oh, Britta, I wasn't trying
to hurt your feelings.

239
00:11:23,679 --> 00:11:25,909
Heh. You didn't hurt
my feelings, Shirley.

240
00:11:26,115 --> 00:11:28,015
I don't need to go to the bathroom
with other people.

241
00:11:28,217 --> 00:11:30,276
I was just trying to throw you a bone
because I like you.

242
00:11:30,486 --> 00:11:32,954
Oh. You can keep that bone.

243
00:11:33,156 --> 00:11:36,250
Listening to a story about a stranger pissing
me off and taking the stranger's side?

244
00:11:36,459 --> 00:11:38,017
And then you can't talk
about your own business

245
00:11:38,227 --> 00:11:39,626
but you insinuate
my mama's a robot

246
00:11:39,829 --> 00:11:42,957
because she and I want makeovers.
That is the ladies room, Britta.

247
00:11:43,166 --> 00:11:46,795
A place where ladies go to share,
listen, support each other,

248
00:11:47,003 --> 00:11:49,096
and discretely eliminate waste.

249
00:11:49,305 --> 00:11:52,297
And I like you too.
I even like that you're a little hard,

250
00:11:52,642 --> 00:11:55,577
but if you can't learn
to be soft in there,

251
00:11:55,778 --> 00:11:57,803
you need to pee alone.

252
00:11:59,482 --> 00:12:01,211
I've peed alone my whole life.

253
00:12:03,486 --> 00:12:05,784
Women have always hated me.

254
00:12:05,988 --> 00:12:07,615
I don't even know how it started.

255
00:12:07,824 --> 00:12:10,156
Maybe it was when I got boobs
before everybody...

256
00:12:10,359 --> 00:12:12,020
Shhh.

257
00:12:12,895 --> 00:12:14,590
Not out here.

258
00:12:15,431 --> 00:12:17,092
In there.

259
00:12:17,733 --> 00:12:20,258
Whoo! Ha-ha.
Troy, Troy, the wonder boy.

260
00:12:20,469 --> 00:12:23,097
You dropped your books,
Poindexter. Heh-heh-heh.

261
00:12:23,306 --> 00:12:26,764
Troy, I've been waiting for an hour.
It's all right. I'm worth it.

262
00:12:26,976 --> 00:12:28,603
♪ Hip hop, body don't stop ♪

263
00:12:28,811 --> 00:12:30,676
♪ Riverside got the broom
Don't need a mop ♪

264
00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:32,905
♪ Put your team in a box
Put a ribbon on top ♪

265
00:12:33,115 --> 00:12:35,208
♪ We're not John Kerry
Because we don't flip flop ♪♪

266
00:12:35,418 --> 00:12:38,387
Troy, why are you doing our politically
conservative high school's

267
00:12:38,588 --> 00:12:40,522
shamefully outdated fight rap?

268
00:12:40,723 --> 00:12:42,247
Have you been playing football?

269
00:12:42,458 --> 00:12:45,052
Threw the skin around
a couple of times. I still got it.

270
00:12:45,261 --> 00:12:47,821
Uhn, uhn, uhn. Doosh! Uhn.

271
00:12:48,030 --> 00:12:50,555
But you knew
we had an Astronomy test tomorrow.

272
00:12:50,766 --> 00:12:53,360
Class blows. What I need to know
about the universe

273
00:12:53,569 --> 00:12:55,935
is that I'm at the center of it.

274
00:12:56,138 --> 00:12:58,197
♪ Oh Bing, bong, sing along ♪

275
00:12:58,407 --> 00:13:00,204
♪ Your team's Al Gore
Your views are wrong ♪♪

276
00:13:00,409 --> 00:13:01,603
Troy, stop.

277
00:13:03,145 --> 00:13:05,079
Don't become this person again.

278
00:13:05,281 --> 00:13:06,339
This isn't the real you.

279
00:13:06,549 --> 00:13:09,518
This is the arrogant jock
that totally ignored the only people

280
00:13:09,719 --> 00:13:11,880
that truly liked him
for non-superficial reasons

281
00:13:12,088 --> 00:13:15,387
but weren't allowed to say anything
because their parents are bigots.

282
00:13:15,858 --> 00:13:19,123
Huh?
Football is bad for you, Troy.

283
00:13:21,597 --> 00:13:22,962
Jeff said you'd say that.

284
00:13:23,165 --> 00:13:25,690
Jeff... What now?

285
00:13:25,902 --> 00:13:28,063
Troy. Troy, Troy, Troy.

286
00:13:28,738 --> 00:13:29,898
That's my name.

287
00:13:30,106 --> 00:13:34,133
I think if we add in a little bit of
Phylicia Rashad, we'll be in better shape.

288
00:13:34,343 --> 00:13:37,244
Yeah, you're right.
That beige is a little light.

289
00:13:37,446 --> 00:13:39,914
Um... Wow.

290
00:13:40,149 --> 00:13:41,241
Yeah, yeah.

291
00:13:41,450 --> 00:13:43,748
We are developing
the perfect mascot.

292
00:13:43,953 --> 00:13:47,218
No stereotypical identifiers
from any race or gender.

293
00:13:47,423 --> 00:13:50,722
You see, Jeff, this is a chart of the
features we're staying away from.

294
00:13:50,927 --> 00:13:54,954
Pan-Asian eye folds, uh,
Irish chins, women's breasts.

295
00:13:55,164 --> 00:13:58,429
Is that Seal?
Oh, that is our human color wheel.

296
00:13:58,634 --> 00:14:01,432
It goes from Seal to Seal's teeth.
What do you think?

297
00:14:01,637 --> 00:14:05,073
I think not being racist
is the new racism.

298
00:14:05,274 --> 00:14:07,742
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What happened to the prototype?

299
00:14:07,944 --> 00:14:09,741
Ooh. I left the nose in the kiln.
Oh.

300
00:14:11,547 --> 00:14:14,778
So Troy is gonna play football.
Yes.

301
00:14:14,984 --> 00:14:16,952
Which means
I'll be getting rid of these.

302
00:14:17,153 --> 00:14:19,644
No, uh, I won't mail these out
but they are staying with me

303
00:14:19,855 --> 00:14:22,119
until the press announces
that Troy is a part of the team.

304
00:14:22,325 --> 00:14:25,988
And I want him at that pep rally tonight.
Reporters are gonna be there.

305
00:14:26,395 --> 00:14:28,625
We're gonna unveil
the new mascot

306
00:14:28,831 --> 00:14:31,356
and things are finally
going to start turning around.

307
00:14:31,567 --> 00:14:34,968
Oh, and my ex-therapist
is gonna think twice

308
00:14:35,171 --> 00:14:37,196
before he makes fun of my job!

309
00:14:37,573 --> 00:14:39,666
Here it is. Still hot.
Ooh. Ow.

310
00:14:39,875 --> 00:14:42,173
Oh, Dean, I'm gonna get some
more coffee. You want anything?

311
00:14:42,378 --> 00:14:45,313
Yeah, uh, a Desmond Tutu with just enough
cream to make it a Lou Diamond Phillips.

312
00:14:45,514 --> 00:14:47,345
<i>La Bamba. Got it.</i>

313
00:14:53,756 --> 00:14:55,348
Aha!

314
00:14:56,359 --> 00:14:57,417
I've been following you.

315
00:14:57,626 --> 00:14:59,594
How much did the dean pay you
to make Troy play football?

316
00:14:59,795 --> 00:15:02,286
I'm not having a conversation with
someone who emerges from a bush.

317
00:15:02,498 --> 00:15:03,522
Because I'm right?
No.

318
00:15:03,733 --> 00:15:06,600
Because I'm not in a commercial
for breakfast cereal.

319
00:15:07,536 --> 00:15:09,333
Look, the dean has pictures of me,
okay?

320
00:15:09,972 --> 00:15:11,337
Horrible pictures of me.

321
00:15:12,141 --> 00:15:13,506
Attending his school.

322
00:15:13,909 --> 00:15:17,436
And for that, you've convinced Troy to flush
his life down football's toilet again?

323
00:15:17,646 --> 00:15:20,080
Britta's right. You are the most
selfish person alive.

324
00:15:20,282 --> 00:15:23,877
And all that is gonna end right now.
I'm telling him what kind of friend you really are.

325
00:15:24,086 --> 00:15:27,283
Maybe you should tell him
you're hopelessly in love with him.

326
00:15:27,957 --> 00:15:29,686
High school must have been tough,
huh?

327
00:15:29,892 --> 00:15:31,883
Waiting for a superstar
to notice you.

328
00:15:32,094 --> 00:15:36,827
But here, here, he's all alone
and he needs so much help.

329
00:15:37,033 --> 00:15:40,400
Did you enroll in all his classes or were
you worried that might freak him out?

330
00:15:40,603 --> 00:15:43,037
The important thing is
that you are there for him.

331
00:15:43,239 --> 00:15:46,174
The important thing is that you
are the only one there for him.

332
00:15:46,375 --> 00:15:48,240
And you don't really care
what he wants,

333
00:15:48,444 --> 00:15:51,038
just as long as you don't have
to share him with the world.

334
00:15:51,247 --> 00:15:54,808
Because, really,
you are just as selfish as I am.

335
00:15:55,017 --> 00:15:57,212
You're just not as good at it yet.

336
00:15:58,621 --> 00:16:00,179
You're right.

337
00:16:00,556 --> 00:16:02,683
I could never be as good as you.

338
00:16:02,892 --> 00:16:04,553
Probably because I actually care.

339
00:16:05,327 --> 00:16:06,954
Profound
but technically meaningless.

340
00:16:08,731 --> 00:16:11,859
And don't bother trying that thing
women do where they walk away

341
00:16:12,068 --> 00:16:15,435
and make the guy feel like crap,
because it won't happen.

342
00:16:16,105 --> 00:16:17,732
Yeah.

343
00:16:19,875 --> 00:16:21,399
Damn it.

344
00:16:24,380 --> 00:16:27,349
Shirley, will you
please come to the bathroom with me?

345
00:16:35,391 --> 00:16:38,155
Where's Shirley?
Shirley's not coming.

346
00:16:38,494 --> 00:16:42,931
But, uh, I'm here to listen, girl.

347
00:16:44,967 --> 00:16:47,868
Why do we inflict so much pain
on ourselves for men?

348
00:16:48,070 --> 00:16:49,469
I don't

349
00:16:49,672 --> 00:16:51,799
know, sweetie.

350
00:16:52,007 --> 00:16:57,309
Maybe it's because
men make the world go around?

351
00:16:57,847 --> 00:16:59,610
Kleenex?

352
00:17:03,652 --> 00:17:07,418
I've been infatuated with Troy.

353
00:17:08,357 --> 00:17:09,688
Now he's joining football.

354
00:17:10,159 --> 00:17:15,529
Now he'll have his pick of the litter
and I'll never get to be with him.

355
00:17:15,731 --> 00:17:17,858
Oh, Annie, screw him.

356
00:17:18,067 --> 00:17:20,763
There are guys out there
that would kill to be with you.

357
00:17:20,970 --> 00:17:23,837
If Troy isn't one of them,
that's him failing your standards.

358
00:17:24,039 --> 00:17:25,165
You got that?

359
00:17:26,942 --> 00:17:29,706
You're right. I can't control him.

360
00:17:30,379 --> 00:17:35,043
And if I truly cared about him,
I wouldn't want to.

361
00:17:36,519 --> 00:17:39,784
Thanks for talking to me, Britta.
It really helped.

362
00:17:40,189 --> 00:17:42,316
Seriously?
Yes.

363
00:17:42,525 --> 00:17:44,322
Who's my girl?

364
00:17:46,929 --> 00:17:49,591
Excuse me.
I did it. I did it.

365
00:17:49,798 --> 00:17:51,527
Yes, you did.

366
00:17:56,772 --> 00:18:00,139
<i>Human Beings,
Human Beings, Human Beings.</i>

367
00:18:00,543 --> 00:18:02,408
<i>Human Beings, Human Beings.</i>

368
00:18:02,611 --> 00:18:04,203
Troy. Troy.

369
00:18:05,781 --> 00:18:07,544
Don't go in there, man.
What?

370
00:18:07,750 --> 00:18:10,514
You got the most you were ever going
to get out of football in high school.

371
00:18:10,719 --> 00:18:12,687
A life of disillusionment
and depression

372
00:18:12,888 --> 00:18:14,719
begins on the other side
of that door.

373
00:18:14,924 --> 00:18:18,018
Hey, man, is this your first pep rally
or something?

374
00:18:18,227 --> 00:18:22,095
You told me football was the most
important thing in the world.

375
00:18:22,298 --> 00:18:24,425
Well, buckle up, Troy
I was exaggerating.

376
00:18:24,633 --> 00:18:25,725
It's kind of my gimmick.

377
00:18:26,302 --> 00:18:28,167
Let me tell you something.
No, let me tell you something.

378
00:18:28,370 --> 00:18:30,668
You know that keg flip
that cost me my scholarship?

379
00:18:30,873 --> 00:18:32,135
Yeah.

380
00:18:32,508 --> 00:18:34,840
I hurt myself on purpose.
What?

381
00:18:35,044 --> 00:18:38,309
There was a scout coming
to the final game at Riverside

382
00:18:38,514 --> 00:18:41,415
and I couldn't take the pressure.
So I took the easy way out.

383
00:18:42,718 --> 00:18:44,208
When you showed me that field,

384
00:18:44,420 --> 00:18:45,910
I saw there was nothing
to worry about here.

385
00:18:46,121 --> 00:18:47,713
I could just play football
for the fun of it.

386
00:18:47,923 --> 00:18:49,356
I mean,
have you seen these guys?

387
00:18:49,558 --> 00:18:52,755
There is nowhere to go but up.
Dude, we have feelings.

388
00:18:53,495 --> 00:18:56,487
I don't know about you,
but I know I ended up here

389
00:18:56,699 --> 00:18:59,327
because things
weren't that great out there.

390
00:19:00,402 --> 00:19:02,700
You should try accepting
where you're at, man.

391
00:19:02,905 --> 00:19:05,567
Take a pottery class or something.

392
00:19:06,442 --> 00:19:11,607
♪ Greendale, we're number one
Nancy Pelosi is no fun ♪♪

393
00:19:15,784 --> 00:19:16,876
Hey.

394
00:19:17,786 --> 00:19:18,878
Hey.

395
00:19:20,923 --> 00:19:23,187
I've decided to support Troy.

396
00:19:23,392 --> 00:19:26,327
They deploy things in football.
I went for rhyme over clarity.

397
00:19:26,528 --> 00:19:29,656
Look, I'm, uh...
I'm really sorry about before.

398
00:19:30,099 --> 00:19:32,363
I just think we were both wrong.
Really?

399
00:19:32,568 --> 00:19:35,628
Because I'm an 18-year-old girl
and you made me cry in public.

400
00:19:35,971 --> 00:19:38,098
Hmm. Okay, maybe I was
a little more wrong.

401
00:19:38,307 --> 00:19:42,107
I should grow up
and make peace with being here.

402
00:19:42,311 --> 00:19:45,803
I mean, it's not like Greendale
is gonna kill me or anything.

403
00:19:46,148 --> 00:19:47,615
Holy crap.
Oh!

404
00:19:47,816 --> 00:19:51,183
Sorry. Hey, say hello
to our ethnically neutral mascot,

405
00:19:51,387 --> 00:19:53,855
the Greendale Human Being.

406
00:19:54,056 --> 00:19:55,956
The costume makes it difficult
for him to see.

407
00:19:57,726 --> 00:20:00,160
He can't move his mouth either.
But take it from me,

408
00:20:00,362 --> 00:20:02,387
that's human for "hello."

409
00:20:02,598 --> 00:20:05,590
Let's get you into the pep rally.
Great idea. Let's do it.

410
00:20:07,503 --> 00:20:09,300
We've solved racism. What's next?

411
00:20:09,505 --> 00:20:12,065
Let's do something for
little people. Or albinos.

412
00:20:12,274 --> 00:20:13,571
How about little albinos?

413
00:20:13,776 --> 00:20:17,872
Well, this has the potential to be
a uniquely Greendale experience.

414
00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:19,604
My lady?

415
00:20:20,549 --> 00:20:22,039
My lord.

416
00:20:36,999 --> 00:20:38,660
Attention, students, this is Abed.

417
00:20:38,867 --> 00:20:39,856
And the disco spider.

418
00:20:40,069 --> 00:20:41,434
Here at Greendale.
Greendale.

419
00:20:41,637 --> 00:20:42,865
Say what?

420
00:20:43,072 --> 00:20:45,370
A few quick announcements.
Announcement number one.

421
00:20:45,574 --> 00:20:47,906
All announcements will be cool,
starting right now.

422
00:20:48,110 --> 00:20:51,773
Announcement number two,
butt soup.

423
00:20:51,980 --> 00:20:53,242
Announcement number three,

424
00:20:53,449 --> 00:20:56,418
<i>I am not Hadji from Jonny Quest,
Jeff Winger.</i>

425
00:20:56,618 --> 00:20:58,882
On security news, you guys gotta
start locking the dean's door

426
00:20:59,088 --> 00:21:01,886
so guys like us don't get in.
Hey.