1
00:00:01,899 --> 00:00:04,316
Well, that was
a weird afternoon.

2
00:00:04,350 --> 00:00:07,953
I guess I knew Pierce was part
of a weird, futuristic cult,

3
00:00:07,987 --> 00:00:11,456
but I wasn't prepared
for a funeral with so much beeping.

4
00:00:11,490 --> 00:00:12,958
Well, let's not judge.

5
00:00:12,992 --> 00:00:17,295
Everyone has a right to whatever fake
religion they delusionally choose.

6
00:00:17,330 --> 00:00:20,034
Abed, you were by the coffin
for a long time.

7
00:00:20,035 --> 00:00:23,027
- Are you okay?
- I'm okay. Although...

8
00:00:23,920 --> 00:00:26,004
♪ Troy and Abed
are in mourning ♪

9
00:00:26,005 --> 00:00:27,445
Will you guys
please stop doing that?

10
00:00:27,446 --> 00:00:29,539
I can't believe you did it
during your eulogy.

11
00:00:29,540 --> 00:00:31,343
So uncomfortable.

12
00:00:31,377 --> 00:00:34,179
I don't think the audience got that we
were singing "mourning" with a "u".

13
00:00:34,213 --> 00:00:36,214
You were singing
"mourning" with a "u"?

14
00:00:36,495 --> 00:00:37,878
Oh, no.

15
00:00:37,929 --> 00:00:40,848
I still don't fully understand
the laser lotus theology.

16
00:00:40,882 --> 00:00:44,101
So Pierce's body is in the coffin,
and we buried it,

17
00:00:44,135 --> 00:00:47,555
but this energon pod
contains his life... vapor?

18
00:00:47,556 --> 00:00:48,973
Yeah, it's all right here

19
00:00:48,974 --> 00:00:51,060
in this incredibly persuasive
literature they passed out.

20
00:00:51,061 --> 00:00:54,562
Once you reach level 16,
you can see the color blurble.

21
00:00:54,613 --> 00:00:56,197
Of all the ridiculous
cartoon nonsense.

22
00:00:56,231 --> 00:00:58,616
If there is a blurble, the Lord
keeps it hidden for a reason.

23
00:00:58,650 --> 00:01:02,369
What up, N-Bombs?
How was the funeral? Awesome?

24
00:01:02,404 --> 00:01:05,372
No, Chang, our friend's
funeral was not awesome.

25
00:01:05,407 --> 00:01:08,108
It was deeply sad.
You know, funeral style.

26
00:01:08,143 --> 00:01:10,544
Excuse me.
I thought you guys hated Pierce.

27
00:01:11,821 --> 00:01:13,430
- We did not hate Pierce.
- Craziness.

28
00:01:13,431 --> 00:01:14,905
All right,
are you sure you guys aren't

29
00:01:14,906 --> 00:01:17,468
just doing the
"respect the dead" jig-a-lig?

30
00:01:17,502 --> 00:01:19,803
I think you have us mistaken
for you, Chang.

31
00:01:19,838 --> 00:01:24,558
I don't know. I definitely remember
you complaining about him a lot.

32
00:01:24,593 --> 00:01:27,428
We complained about him when
he was alive. This is different.

33
00:01:27,479 --> 00:01:29,196
Can't believe we'll never
see him again.

34
00:01:29,231 --> 00:01:31,131
Just a reminder you gotta live
life to the fullest.

35
00:01:31,166 --> 00:01:35,319
By the time Pierce was my age, he had
already been fired from 15 jobs.

36
00:01:35,353 --> 00:01:38,072
I've only seen two
<i>Police Academies.</i>

37
00:01:38,073 --> 00:01:39,535
The last two.

38
00:01:39,536 --> 00:01:42,139
Well, he's gone too soon
but won't be soon forgotten.

39
00:01:42,140 --> 00:01:44,778
I would say you're
quite correct, Mr. Winger.

40
00:01:44,829 --> 00:01:47,248
- Who the hell are you?
- My name is Mr. Stone.

41
00:01:47,282 --> 00:01:49,566
That's easy for you to say.

42
00:01:49,584 --> 00:01:53,037
- And for us to say.
- I work for Mr. Hawthorne.

43
00:01:53,071 --> 00:01:56,090
He specified in his will that
no matter how natural in appearance

44
00:01:56,124 --> 00:01:57,958
the circumstances
of his death,

45
00:01:58,009 --> 00:02:00,177
a private inquest
should be conducted

46
00:02:00,211 --> 00:02:01,912
to determine
whether any one of you,

47
00:02:01,930 --> 00:02:04,835
his former study group,
murdered him.

48
00:02:04,836 --> 00:02:06,016
What?

49
00:02:06,017 --> 00:02:08,519
To be cleared, you must all
submit to a polygraph test.

50
00:02:08,553 --> 00:02:12,756
Aw, schnizzle.
You guys are in trouble!

51
00:02:12,774 --> 00:02:15,609
- Later.
- Mr. Chang, I presume.

52
00:02:15,644 --> 00:02:18,646
You're also listed as a suspect
and requested to participate.

53
00:02:18,697 --> 00:02:22,032
- Fine, but I ask the questions.
- I'm afraid I can't allow that.

54
00:02:22,067 --> 00:02:24,974
All right,
then just the "fine" part.

55
00:02:27,238 --> 00:02:30,790
- We're losing Pierce!
- Everyone, quickly!

56
00:02:34,679 --> 00:02:36,964
Someone get a balloon.

57
00:02:56,568 --> 00:02:59,527
Season 5, Episode 4
"Cooperative Polygraphy"

58
00:02:59,878 --> 00:03:02,878
Synced by Reef
www.addic7ed.com

59
00:03:03,387 --> 00:03:06,900
I always wanted to try a polygraph.
They're like the pie fight of cop movies.

60
00:03:06,901 --> 00:03:08,912
Or the acupuncture
of the legal system.

61
00:03:08,947 --> 00:03:11,332
I can't believe Pierce
would think we might murder him.

62
00:03:11,344 --> 00:03:14,368
Yeah, what a waste of murder.
I mean, he was, like, 79.

63
00:03:14,369 --> 00:03:17,454
I don't suppose anyone wants
to know I consider this a violation.

64
00:03:17,539 --> 00:03:20,507
Come on, it's just Pierce being Pierce.
It's his final wish.

65
00:03:20,542 --> 00:03:22,343
If I had a final wish,
I'd use it to stay alive.

66
00:03:22,344 --> 00:03:24,294
Let's do it.
How do we begin?

67
00:03:24,295 --> 00:03:26,045
We're to start
with miss Perry.

68
00:03:26,060 --> 00:03:27,927
- State your name.
- Britta Perry.

69
00:03:27,928 --> 00:03:30,433
Have you ever had any thoughts
of violence towards Pierce Hawthorne?

70
00:03:30,435 --> 00:03:31,769
- No.
- Lie.

71
00:03:31,770 --> 00:03:35,747
I mean, I may have wanted to slap him
now and again, but I didn't kill him.

72
00:03:35,748 --> 00:03:37,641
In all your sexual fantasies
about Pierce Hawthorne,

73
00:03:37,675 --> 00:03:39,026
none of them involved
his murder?

74
00:03:39,027 --> 00:03:40,244
What? No.

75
00:03:40,245 --> 00:03:42,563
But you have had sexual fantasies
about Mr. Hawthorne.

76
00:03:42,614 --> 00:03:44,514
No! What kind of question
is that?

77
00:03:44,532 --> 00:03:45,733
I'm asking the questions

78
00:03:45,767 --> 00:03:48,569
just as Mr. Hawthorne wrote
them down, I assure you.

79
00:03:48,620 --> 00:03:51,388
- Mr. Winger, state your name.
- Jeffrey Winger.

80
00:03:51,423 --> 00:03:52,573
- Are you gay?
- No.

81
00:03:52,574 --> 00:03:54,149
- Are you sure you're not gay?
- Yes.

82
00:03:54,150 --> 00:03:55,601
- Gay murderer says what?
- What?

83
00:03:55,602 --> 00:03:56,719
He's telling the truth.

84
00:03:56,720 --> 00:03:58,795
I've been instructed to point out
that that means you're gay.

85
00:03:58,796 --> 00:04:00,013
- Ms. Bennett.
- Hmm?

86
00:04:00,014 --> 00:04:01,580
- State your name.
- Shirley Bennett.

87
00:04:01,583 --> 00:04:03,050
Are you a dishonest person?

88
00:04:03,084 --> 00:04:04,802
- No.
- She thinks that's true.

89
00:04:04,836 --> 00:04:06,470
Uh, you could have
just said no.

90
00:04:06,504 --> 00:04:07,971
I'm watching you
acting scientific

91
00:04:08,006 --> 00:04:09,740
and then adding your little 2¢
every now and again.

92
00:04:09,774 --> 00:04:11,592
Huh?
Continue.

93
00:04:11,643 --> 00:04:13,310
Is it true that you're
a platinum level donor

94
00:04:13,344 --> 00:04:16,330
with the pro-life organization
prenatalpatriots.org?

95
00:04:16,355 --> 00:04:18,056
- What?
- Keep it cool, girls.

96
00:04:18,099 --> 00:04:20,501
It's my money.
It's my choice.

97
00:04:20,535 --> 00:04:22,453
Yeah, well, if I wanted
the Government in my uterus,

98
00:04:22,487 --> 00:04:24,721
I'd fill it with oil
and hispanic voters.

99
00:04:24,739 --> 00:04:27,224
Keep it frosty, ladies.
Don't let your goats get gotched.

100
00:04:27,242 --> 00:04:30,577
- Mr. Barnes, state your name.
- Troy Barnes.

101
00:04:30,612 --> 00:04:32,633
D'oh!
I meant to say, "butts Carlton."

102
00:04:32,634 --> 00:04:34,331
He did mean to say,
"Butts Carlton."

103
00:04:34,365 --> 00:04:35,978
She said it.

104
00:04:35,979 --> 00:04:39,453
Did you get angry when Mr. Hawthorne
told you Fat Albert died of diabetes?

105
00:04:39,504 --> 00:04:41,422
Yes, like any American would.

106
00:04:41,456 --> 00:04:43,090
- Angry enough to murder him?
- No.

107
00:04:43,124 --> 00:04:46,343
Is it true that you and Abed Nadir
have an elaborate doomsday escape plan

108
00:04:46,377 --> 00:04:49,240
to be used in the event
of zombie attacks?

109
00:04:49,255 --> 00:04:52,349
We may have a designated
rendezvous point

110
00:04:52,383 --> 00:04:56,053
and a couple of bugout bags
filled with gold coins and condoms

111
00:04:56,087 --> 00:04:58,872
just in case we need to bargain
our way onto a boat.

112
00:04:58,907 --> 00:05:00,274
The gold coins
are for buying food.

113
00:05:00,308 --> 00:05:04,142
Does your doomsday plan account for
the welfare of any of your other friends?

114
00:05:05,146 --> 00:05:06,930
- Pass.
- Answer the question.

115
00:05:06,948 --> 00:05:09,116
- No.
- Troy! Rude!

116
00:05:09,150 --> 00:05:11,452
It's a doomsday plan,
not a picnic plan.

117
00:05:11,486 --> 00:05:12,825
Do you really wanna see
the horrors

118
00:05:12,826 --> 00:05:15,105
we might have to endure
just to get on a boat?

119
00:05:15,123 --> 00:05:16,490
- I guess not.
- That's a lie.

120
00:05:16,524 --> 00:05:18,375
- Ah!
- He's doing it again.

121
00:05:18,409 --> 00:05:21,662
- Pierce is doing it again.
- Mr. Chang, state your name.

122
00:05:21,713 --> 00:05:25,149
Benjamin Franklin Chang,
ready to deal out the truth.

123
00:05:25,183 --> 00:05:28,135
Nothing to hide.
Let's do this.

124
00:05:28,169 --> 00:05:30,850
Have you ever masturbated
in the study room?

125
00:05:33,624 --> 00:05:36,426
- Mr. Nadir, state your name.
- Abed Nadir.

126
00:05:36,460 --> 00:05:38,395
Have you ever 9/11'd anyone?

127
00:05:38,429 --> 00:05:39,680
- Nope.
- When you were a child,

128
00:05:39,731 --> 00:05:41,648
did you ever kill a squirrel
with a slingshot

129
00:05:41,683 --> 00:05:43,100
and was surprised
that you felt nothing

130
00:05:43,134 --> 00:05:46,200
and wondered if you were capable
of doing it to a human?

131
00:05:48,089 --> 00:05:49,679
No.

132
00:05:51,642 --> 00:05:55,162
Do you and Troy still actively use Jeff's
Netflix account without his permission?

133
00:05:55,196 --> 00:05:57,030
- Wait, what?
- You told Pierce that?

134
00:05:57,072 --> 00:05:59,273
You logged in at our place and
never logged out, so we use it.

135
00:05:59,300 --> 00:06:02,035
Is that why my review of <i>The Grey</i>
is constantly changing?

136
00:06:02,086 --> 00:06:04,616
- Yes, stop giving it four stars.
- I like Liam Neeson!

137
00:06:04,617 --> 00:06:06,123
Then send him a message about
the roles he chooses.

138
00:06:06,124 --> 00:06:08,342
Look, this is not the issue!
You're stealing from me!

139
00:06:08,376 --> 00:06:11,128
And as your roommate,
you're making me an accomplice.

140
00:06:11,162 --> 00:06:12,546
- I had no idea.
- Lie.

141
00:06:12,597 --> 00:06:14,348
Why would I even try that?

142
00:06:14,382 --> 00:06:16,934
- State your name please, Miss.
- Annie Edison.

143
00:06:16,968 --> 00:06:19,086
Miss Edison, did you use
your exceptional intelligence

144
00:06:19,120 --> 00:06:22,750
and organizational skills to plot
the foolproof murder of Pierce Hawthorne?

145
00:06:22,751 --> 00:06:24,852
Aww!
And no.

146
00:06:25,109 --> 00:06:28,369
Is it true that you overcharged Troy
and Abed for their share of the rent?

147
00:06:29,047 --> 00:06:31,465
- Pierce!
- Annie?

148
00:06:31,499 --> 00:06:35,702
Yes, but for a good reason.
You guys know you're bad with money.

149
00:06:35,737 --> 00:06:37,704
I padded your share
of the rent by $10

150
00:06:37,739 --> 00:06:40,908
and I've been putting it into
a savings account that yields 4%.

151
00:06:40,959 --> 00:06:44,795
You'll be thanking me in six years
when you find out you have $86.

152
00:06:44,829 --> 00:06:47,581
- That's jacket money.
- Oh, did you hear that, Abed?

153
00:06:47,632 --> 00:06:49,917
We've been washing paper plates
and making our own toothpaste.

154
00:06:49,968 --> 00:06:51,201
But don't you worry.

155
00:06:51,219 --> 00:06:53,921
When we have robot bodies on the moon,
we can share a free jacket.

156
00:06:53,934 --> 00:06:56,065
Annie, you should know better
than to horde money.

157
00:06:56,090 --> 00:06:57,224
That's a stereotype.

158
00:06:57,258 --> 00:07:00,894
- Was that anti-semitism?
- No! That's sensitivity.

159
00:07:00,929 --> 00:07:04,514
It's anti-semitic to do things like that
when you know full well you're Jewish.

160
00:07:04,548 --> 00:07:05,999
- Whoa.
- We could have bought a tire

161
00:07:06,034 --> 00:07:07,768
for our tire swing
with that money.

162
00:07:07,819 --> 00:07:09,219
Or your own Netflix account?

163
00:07:09,237 --> 00:07:11,890
- Liam Neeson? Not that great.
- Your rating system is flawed.

164
00:07:14,826 --> 00:07:17,087
All right!

165
00:07:18,017 --> 00:07:20,948
- Let's begin.
- Wait, wait.

166
00:07:20,999 --> 00:07:22,499
What do you mean, "begin"?

167
00:07:22,533 --> 00:07:24,585
That completes the calibration
round of questioning.

168
00:07:24,619 --> 00:07:26,119
We're ready to begin
the formal inquest.

169
00:07:26,170 --> 00:07:28,789
I think we're ready to end.
We've humored this long enough.

170
00:07:28,840 --> 00:07:31,041
Jeff... It's for Pierce.

171
00:07:31,075 --> 00:07:33,710
Look, respect for the dead
is only a thing

172
00:07:33,744 --> 00:07:36,430
because the dead usually
don't do any more damage.

173
00:07:36,464 --> 00:07:37,598
- Ah.
- That's true.

174
00:07:37,632 --> 00:07:39,466
You can quit any time
you like.

175
00:07:39,517 --> 00:07:41,501
But it should be noted
that Mr. Hawthorne's estate

176
00:07:41,536 --> 00:07:43,086
is worth over $20 million

177
00:07:43,104 --> 00:07:46,523
and only those cleared of his murder
can receive their bequeathments.

178
00:07:46,557 --> 00:07:48,740
I'm only gonna say this once.

179
00:07:48,842 --> 00:07:50,615
Clearly, Pierce is trying
to lure us

180
00:07:50,616 --> 00:07:54,214
into a labyrinth of emotional
manipulation and strategic instigation.

181
00:07:54,249 --> 00:07:57,734
And I think we're all smart enough to know
we should quit while we're not ahead.

182
00:07:57,768 --> 00:07:59,403
- I do believe we should...
- Yes, definitely.

183
00:07:59,437 --> 00:08:00,904
- Quit while we're ahead.
- Absolutely.

184
00:08:00,938 --> 00:08:03,006
- Yep.
- They're all lying.

185
00:08:03,041 --> 00:08:05,492
We all know that,
you judgmental bitch!

186
00:08:11,264 --> 00:08:13,578
Miss Perry, have you ever
eaten at the sandwich shop

187
00:08:13,579 --> 00:08:15,712
started by Mrs. Bennet
and Mr. Hawthorne?

188
00:08:15,713 --> 00:08:16,865
Yes.

189
00:08:16,871 --> 00:08:18,900
And what sandwich would you
order from Shirley's Sandwiches?

190
00:08:18,901 --> 00:08:21,269
The only one I can,
the Helen of Soy with no mayo.

191
00:08:21,270 --> 00:08:22,646
- Helen of Soy.
- Are you aware that,

192
00:08:22,647 --> 00:08:25,523
in order to save money,
Shirley stopped using real tofu

193
00:08:25,558 --> 00:08:29,994
and replaced it with a midwestern
tofu substitute called "meatfu"?

194
00:08:30,029 --> 00:08:34,699
- Oh, my God! Oh!
- It's still not actually meat... Legally.

195
00:08:34,733 --> 00:08:38,169
You have never respected
anything that I hold sacred!

196
00:08:38,204 --> 00:08:39,871
- I'm sorry!
- Shirley, did you know

197
00:08:39,922 --> 00:08:42,967
that Britta was high on
marijuana at your son's baptism?

198
00:08:43,241 --> 00:08:44,709
I'm sorry?

199
00:08:44,710 --> 00:08:47,336
- Well, no higher than usual.
- Not true.

200
00:08:47,390 --> 00:08:49,591
You did drugs in my church?

201
00:08:49,642 --> 00:08:51,893
No, I did drugs in
the parking lot of your church.

202
00:08:51,928 --> 00:08:54,930
How else do you expect somebody
to sit through something like that?

203
00:08:54,931 --> 00:08:57,315
At least with a bris there's
an element of suspense.

204
00:08:57,316 --> 00:09:00,014
Well, next time, I'll have
Cheech and Chong do the warm-up!

205
00:09:00,015 --> 00:09:03,705
Guys, these questions are obviously
designed to turn us against each other.

206
00:09:03,740 --> 00:09:05,557
If we want to beat Pierce
at his game,

207
00:09:05,575 --> 00:09:08,243
we have to own up to our
mistakes and forgive each other.

208
00:09:08,250 --> 00:09:11,294
Mr. Winger, is it true that you keep
trophies of your sexual conquests?

209
00:09:12,220 --> 00:09:15,250
In a church, Britta?
For shame.

210
00:09:15,334 --> 00:09:19,529
- It's where Jesus gets his mail.
- Answer the question, <i>Adrian Grody!</i>

211
00:09:19,530 --> 00:09:21,707
I know what Pierce
is referring to.

212
00:09:21,741 --> 00:09:24,909
I have a box of forgotten items
in my apartment.

213
00:09:24,927 --> 00:09:27,796
I happen to be a single male.
Visitors leave things.

214
00:09:27,847 --> 00:09:30,465
Is one of your trophies
a pair of Miss Perry's panties?

215
00:09:30,516 --> 00:09:33,719
You told me a hawk stole them!

216
00:09:33,753 --> 00:09:38,356
You exploited me and made me believe
in a slightly more magical world.

217
00:09:38,391 --> 00:09:40,409
If you want to collect women's
underwear, can't you just buy them?

218
00:09:40,435 --> 00:09:42,444
- They have to be won in battle.
- Blegh! Gross!

219
00:09:42,478 --> 00:09:43,945
- Jeffrey!
- Awesome.

220
00:09:43,980 --> 00:09:46,948
I think we can all agree
that the gross thing here

221
00:09:46,983 --> 00:09:48,600
is that Pierce is snooping
through my stuff.

222
00:09:48,618 --> 00:09:50,719
Not really, Abed and I go
through your stuff all the time.

223
00:09:50,753 --> 00:09:52,354
Why do you keep bread
in the freezer?

224
00:09:52,388 --> 00:09:54,823
And why does your bathroom mirror say,
"You're special," when you fog it up?

225
00:09:54,874 --> 00:09:56,074
Look, I don't have
to answer these...

226
00:09:56,108 --> 00:09:57,793
- You took a shower?
- Yeah.

227
00:09:57,827 --> 00:10:00,629
- Mr. Barnes.
- Okay! I did it! Okay? I killed Pierce!

228
00:10:00,663 --> 00:10:03,582
- Lie.
- Okay, good. Just making sure.

229
00:10:03,616 --> 00:10:05,417
You and Abed Nadir
have a specialized,

230
00:10:05,451 --> 00:10:08,003
exclusive handshake that you refuse
to do with your other friends?

231
00:10:08,037 --> 00:10:10,055
- Absolutely.
- Pew-pew.

232
00:10:10,089 --> 00:10:11,877
Mr. Barnes, did you invent
that handshake?

233
00:10:11,878 --> 00:10:14,125
- Yes.
- Lie.

234
00:10:14,143 --> 00:10:18,013
Mr. Barnes, are you a subscriber
to the video blog "Fun for Friends"?

235
00:10:18,064 --> 00:10:19,331
- No.
- Lie.

236
00:10:19,365 --> 00:10:21,105
Silence, wench!

237
00:10:21,535 --> 00:10:24,915
<i>Hi, I'm Kevin, this is Kyle,
and here's a fun handshake</i>

238
00:10:24,937 --> 00:10:27,307
<i>you can do
with your best friend.</i>

239
00:10:28,241 --> 00:10:29,974
<i>All right!
Thanks for watching, guys.</i>

240
00:10:29,992 --> 00:10:32,828
<i>Don't forget to rate us,
comment, and subscribe.</i>

241
00:10:32,862 --> 00:10:35,497
- Can't look at you right now.
- Then you should know I'm crying.

242
00:10:35,581 --> 00:10:37,415
I forgive you, but only to
escape the established pattern

243
00:10:37,450 --> 00:10:40,268
of self-righteous indignation
followed by immediate comeuppance.

244
00:10:40,303 --> 00:10:42,687
- Mr. Nadir.
- Okay, I guess it's happening anyway.

245
00:10:42,722 --> 00:10:43,988
You broke my heart.
Continue.

246
00:10:44,006 --> 00:10:45,924
Is it true that you planted
geo-trafficking devices

247
00:10:45,958 --> 00:10:48,462
on everyone in the group so that you
would know where they are at all times?

248
00:10:48,487 --> 00:10:49,627
Yes.

249
00:10:51,394 --> 00:10:54,308
Okay, you guys are changing your faces.
Are you mad at me or hungry?

250
00:10:54,333 --> 00:10:57,552
You're tracking us?
We're mad at you, Abed.

251
00:10:57,603 --> 00:10:59,671
- Why?
- Because we already live

252
00:10:59,689 --> 00:11:01,807
in a totalitarian
surveillance state.

253
00:11:01,841 --> 00:11:04,059
Do you not read
my status updates?

254
00:11:04,110 --> 00:11:05,343
But I'm not the Government.
I'm your friend.

255
00:11:05,361 --> 00:11:07,195
That's what governments say,
nimrod.

256
00:11:07,230 --> 00:11:09,231
It's cool.
When one of you gets kidnapped,

257
00:11:09,282 --> 00:11:10,949
you'll be glad
you don't have to count

258
00:11:10,983 --> 00:11:12,417
the bumps on the highway
from the trunk of the car.

259
00:11:12,451 --> 00:11:14,903
- Are those blinking dots us?
- Mm-hmm.

260
00:11:14,954 --> 00:11:16,555
Well, what's this one
all the way to the side?

261
00:11:16,589 --> 00:11:18,751
That's where Pierce is buried.

262
00:11:19,709 --> 00:11:23,044
Is that why you were spending
so much time by the coffin?

263
00:11:23,079 --> 00:11:25,580
I was trying to get it back. They're
expensive. And he's not moving anymore.

264
00:11:25,631 --> 00:11:27,799
Abed, where did you plant
these things?

265
00:11:27,834 --> 00:11:29,501
If you makes you feel any
better, you'll never find them.

266
00:11:29,535 --> 00:11:32,838
I know you know it's wrong
to do that without telling us.

267
00:11:32,872 --> 00:11:35,173
- Shame on you!
- Okay, I'm ashamed.

268
00:11:35,207 --> 00:11:36,391
Lie.

269
00:11:36,425 --> 00:11:38,643
Miss Edison, is it true
you once secretly dosed

270
00:11:38,678 --> 00:11:41,924
the members of your study group
with a pharmaceutical amphetamine?

271
00:11:45,852 --> 00:11:48,520
- Oh, uh, yes, kind of.
- What?

272
00:11:48,554 --> 00:11:51,106
It sounds worse on paper
than it was.

273
00:11:51,157 --> 00:11:54,559
We were cramming for the anthro final.
Everyone was falling asleep.

274
00:11:54,577 --> 00:11:58,280
I put 5 milligrams of something-something
in your coffees and we all got an "A."

275
00:11:58,281 --> 00:11:59,437
Done!

276
00:11:59,438 --> 00:12:00,699
I'm a bad person
for tracking your location,

277
00:12:00,733 --> 00:12:02,417
but you altered
my brain chemistry?

278
00:12:02,451 --> 00:12:05,337
I was up for three days that week.
I invented an entire language,

279
00:12:05,371 --> 00:12:06,621
you fliztbarping gitzgorg.

280
00:12:06,672 --> 00:12:08,239
- I'm sorry.
- You messed with my brain.

281
00:12:08,257 --> 00:12:09,866
That's a big deal.
This is a big deal.

282
00:12:09,876 --> 00:12:11,042
I don't mess
with your brain, Annie.

283
00:12:11,076 --> 00:12:12,911
- You kind of do.
- I don't think I do.

284
00:12:12,929 --> 00:12:13,962
What about
her Facebook boyfriend?

285
00:12:14,013 --> 00:12:15,430
- What?
- That's different.

286
00:12:15,464 --> 00:12:18,717
You made a profile for a fake dude and
lured her into an online relationship.

287
00:12:18,751 --> 00:12:20,084
He's catfishing you.

288
00:12:20,102 --> 00:12:24,255
You're Olympic pole-vaulting
hopeful Brent Underjaw?

289
00:12:24,273 --> 00:12:25,774
I noticed whenever you were
in a relationship,

290
00:12:25,808 --> 00:12:27,442
you hummed a lot and made
pancakes in the morning.

291
00:12:27,476 --> 00:12:29,978
It wasn't about hurting you. I did
what I did in the name of breakfast.

292
00:12:30,012 --> 00:12:32,781
I bore my soul to you!

293
00:12:32,815 --> 00:12:35,917
I told you about my holding
hands at Disneyland fantasy.

294
00:12:35,952 --> 00:12:39,321
Do you care about people
at all, Abed?

295
00:12:39,372 --> 00:12:41,602
Answer on the polygraph!

296
00:12:42,074 --> 00:12:45,210
Jeff made me apply for handicapped
parking so he can get a better spot.

297
00:12:45,244 --> 00:12:47,984
Britta's the one that invited
Garrett to Annie's birthday party!

298
00:12:47,997 --> 00:12:50,131
Troy won't sit
on a toilet seat after Jeff!

299
00:12:50,166 --> 00:12:52,801
When we're alone, Shirley refers
to you guys as "those people."

300
00:12:52,835 --> 00:12:55,837
Oh! When Annie's with other females,
dude, she calls Jeff her uncle!

301
00:12:55,888 --> 00:12:57,541
Shirley thinks
we're all going to hell!

302
00:12:57,556 --> 00:12:59,474
- You are all going to hell!
- Oh, what?

303
00:13:03,095 --> 00:13:04,262
Guys, stop!

304
00:13:04,296 --> 00:13:07,132
We have to stop letting Pierce
do this to us!

305
00:13:07,166 --> 00:13:11,268
Mr. Hawthorne hasn't asked a question
in quite some time, Mr. Winger.

306
00:13:12,104 --> 00:13:13,822
He's right.

307
00:13:13,856 --> 00:13:16,608
I actually forgot for a second
that Pierce was dead.

308
00:13:16,642 --> 00:13:18,610
Maybe that's what he wanted.

309
00:13:18,644 --> 00:13:21,179
Or maybe he wanted us to know
we're no better off without him.

310
00:13:21,213 --> 00:13:23,031
Or no better than him.

311
00:13:25,001 --> 00:13:27,369
He kind of nailed it,
didn't he?

312
00:13:27,420 --> 00:13:30,154
I didn't just masturbate
in the study room.

313
00:13:30,172 --> 00:13:33,458
I masturbated everywhere.

314
00:13:33,492 --> 00:13:36,461
Everywhere!

315
00:13:40,599 --> 00:13:45,358
Confession is good for the soul.
You should try it sometime.

316
00:13:49,263 --> 00:13:52,135
There's another round of questions,
if you'd like to continue.

317
00:13:52,144 --> 00:13:54,694
You want to give us a moment
to sit in our own filth

318
00:13:54,695 --> 00:13:56,363
before you heap
another bucket on us?

319
00:13:56,381 --> 00:14:00,126
It's strange after all these years how
much we've kept hidden from each other.

320
00:14:00,135 --> 00:14:02,996
You'd think by now we would have
learned to be better people.

321
00:14:02,997 --> 00:14:06,713
I think we got into this mess by thinking
there was such a thing as better people.

322
00:14:07,839 --> 00:14:10,471
Wait.
That's it.

323
00:14:10,505 --> 00:14:12,640
If we're no better than Pierce,

324
00:14:12,691 --> 00:14:15,034
and Pierce is no worse than us,
then that means...

325
00:14:15,143 --> 00:14:16,894
Nobody's really that bad.

326
00:14:16,929 --> 00:14:18,746
So what if we're willing
to suffer

327
00:14:18,780 --> 00:14:22,811
and inflict pain at the mere
prospect of material reward?

328
00:14:22,812 --> 00:14:24,952
If we stop now,
that doesn't make us better.

329
00:14:24,987 --> 00:14:28,406
It just makes us so dishonest
that we would rather be poor

330
00:14:28,407 --> 00:14:29,897
than admit we're flawed.

331
00:14:29,898 --> 00:14:33,901
Pierce admitted he was flawed,
and he died rich.

332
00:14:34,006 --> 00:14:37,892
Let's celebrate his life
and death in the honest way,

333
00:14:37,927 --> 00:14:40,161
not by saying fake nice things
around a casket,

334
00:14:40,179 --> 00:14:42,463
but by admitting we're monsters

335
00:14:42,497 --> 00:14:45,666
and clawing joyfully
for some of his cash.

336
00:14:45,684 --> 00:14:50,016
So does anybody have anything
left before we continue?

337
00:14:50,389 --> 00:14:54,025
Let's empty our tanks of lies
once and for all.

338
00:14:54,059 --> 00:14:56,544
I'm Jeff Winger,
and if I had my choice,

339
00:14:56,579 --> 00:15:00,198
I would rather look at myself naked
than the women I sleep with.

340
00:15:00,232 --> 00:15:03,451
I'm the one who hit
Jeff's Lexus in the parking lot.

341
00:15:03,485 --> 00:15:05,320
It wasn't a taco truck,
and it was racist of me

342
00:15:05,354 --> 00:15:07,855
to improvise such an ethnically
specific vehicle.

343
00:15:07,873 --> 00:15:10,743
I only give money to homeless people
when I'm walking with someone.

344
00:15:10,759 --> 00:15:12,710
I've never been to Legoland.

345
00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:14,879
I just wanted you guys
to think I was cool.

346
00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:17,599
I can be passive-aggressive
sometimes.

347
00:15:17,633 --> 00:15:21,035
Don't everybody disagree at once.
Oh, Lord, I did it again.

348
00:15:21,053 --> 00:15:22,871
When any of you chew gum,
I want to punch you.

349
00:15:22,905 --> 00:15:25,890
You may as well have submachine guns
in your mouths. It vibrates my skull.

350
00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:28,709
Everybody clear?
All right.

351
00:15:28,727 --> 00:15:31,930
Mr. Stone, hit us
with your grand finale.

352
00:15:31,981 --> 00:15:34,532
May it be as brutal
as we deserve.

353
00:15:34,567 --> 00:15:35,783
Very well.

354
00:15:35,818 --> 00:15:38,086
Mr. Hawthorne's final round
of questions.

355
00:15:38,120 --> 00:15:40,140
Britta Perry...

356
00:15:40,651 --> 00:15:43,107
Do you know that you hate
yourself more than you should

357
00:15:43,158 --> 00:15:46,344
and that your passion
inspired me?

358
00:15:46,378 --> 00:15:47,561
No.

359
00:15:47,580 --> 00:15:49,364
That's true.
She didn't know.

360
00:15:49,398 --> 00:15:52,051
To Miss Perry,
I leave my iPod Nano

361
00:15:52,052 --> 00:15:55,086
filled with music to take life
less seriously by.

362
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:57,422
Oh, that's nice.

363
00:15:57,456 --> 00:16:01,125
I also leave you this liquid nitrogen
cooled cylinder of my hyper-virile sperm

364
00:16:01,176 --> 00:16:03,378
in case your lesbian lifestyle
one day wears out

365
00:16:03,412 --> 00:16:06,346
and you wish to raise
an army of geniuses.

366
00:16:06,581 --> 00:16:08,099
- Shirley...
- Hmm?

367
00:16:08,133 --> 00:16:09,750
Did you know that you
are not only a credit

368
00:16:09,768 --> 00:16:11,919
to your race and gender,
but to our species,

369
00:16:11,937 --> 00:16:15,154
and that I was intimidated by your
strength of character and business acumen?

370
00:16:15,155 --> 00:16:16,274
Yes.

371
00:16:16,308 --> 00:16:17,642
To Shirley Bennett,

372
00:16:17,693 --> 00:16:19,611
I leave my spacious timeshare
in Florida...

373
00:16:20,410 --> 00:16:23,541
Where she can take What's-his-name and
however many children she has now.

374
00:16:24,153 --> 00:16:26,146
I also leave you a cylinder
of my sperm.

375
00:16:27,425 --> 00:16:29,106
Annie Edison...

376
00:16:29,622 --> 00:16:31,579
Did you know that you were
always my favorite?

377
00:16:31,606 --> 00:16:33,124
You mentioned it once, but...

378
00:16:33,158 --> 00:16:36,307
I leave you this tiara, which
you once refused to accept.

379
00:16:36,308 --> 00:16:37,795
It's the same tiara
I used to wear

380
00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:40,999
when my mother would verbally assault
me for not being a little girl.

381
00:16:41,050 --> 00:16:42,333
Also sperm.

382
00:16:42,813 --> 00:16:45,453
Jeff Winger,
did you know you're gay?

383
00:16:45,471 --> 00:16:48,072
- No.
- Agree to disagree.

384
00:16:48,107 --> 00:16:50,425
To you, I leave this bottle
of fine scotch

385
00:16:50,459 --> 00:16:54,434
so that you're less tempted to drink
this cylinder of even finer sperm.

386
00:16:54,733 --> 00:16:57,098
Abed Nadir, did you know
that you are insane

387
00:16:57,099 --> 00:16:59,500
and nothing that you said
ever made any sense to me?

388
00:16:59,535 --> 00:17:01,486
- Yep.
- Here's your sperm.

389
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:06,407
Troy Barnes, did you know that you possess
the greatest gift life can give...

390
00:17:06,442 --> 00:17:08,494
The heart of a hero...

391
00:17:08,533 --> 00:17:11,853
And that it's up to you
not to waste it like I did?

392
00:17:13,282 --> 00:17:14,482
I think.

393
00:17:14,516 --> 00:17:17,545
To Troy,
I leave the obligatory sperm.

394
00:17:18,587 --> 00:17:21,039
Maybe it's because
everyone else got one,

395
00:17:21,090 --> 00:17:23,758
and because
it's an old man's semen,

396
00:17:23,792 --> 00:17:27,110
but, um,
I'm kind of disappointed.

397
00:17:27,451 --> 00:17:29,831
In addition, I am prepared
to leave Troy Barnes

398
00:17:29,865 --> 00:17:32,517
my remaining shares
in the Hawthorne Wipes company,

399
00:17:32,551 --> 00:17:35,503
currently valued
at $14.3 million.

400
00:17:37,389 --> 00:17:39,857
On one condition.

401
00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:43,177
You must first sail my boat,
the <i>Childish Tycoon,</i>

402
00:17:43,195 --> 00:17:45,813
by yourself
around the entire world.

403
00:17:45,848 --> 00:17:48,032
- What?
- Again with the bait and switch.

404
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:50,401
When I was 23,
my father asked me

405
00:17:50,436 --> 00:17:53,237
to do the same thing to earn
my adulthood and his fortune.

406
00:17:53,288 --> 00:17:55,490
Of course I cheated and floated
off the coast of Belize

407
00:17:55,524 --> 00:17:57,691
for a year doing coke
with John Denver.

408
00:17:57,710 --> 00:17:59,060
I always regretted it.

409
00:17:59,094 --> 00:18:02,046
I'd like to give you a chance
to do what I never did -

410
00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:04,666
Become your own man.

411
00:18:05,134 --> 00:18:06,751
Okay, I'm a lawyer, Troy.

412
00:18:06,802 --> 00:18:10,671
It should be possible to contest
these conditions as unreasonable...

413
00:18:10,705 --> 00:18:12,273
- I'll do it.
- And Pierce can take

414
00:18:12,307 --> 00:18:13,541
his mind games
and his sperm and he can put...

415
00:18:13,559 --> 00:18:15,903
- I'll do it.
- What?

416
00:18:17,146 --> 00:18:18,563
Troy?

417
00:18:18,597 --> 00:18:20,732
Pierce was a crazy old coot,
yeah,

418
00:18:20,766 --> 00:18:25,845
but I think he knew something about
me that even I didn't know until now.

419
00:18:26,238 --> 00:18:31,311
Because he's offering me something
I've been searching for my whole life.

420
00:18:32,828 --> 00:18:35,300
Millions of dollars.

421
00:18:35,776 --> 00:18:39,033
And being a man
or whatever he said.

422
00:18:39,034 --> 00:18:41,894
Jeff, say something.

423
00:18:43,572 --> 00:18:45,359
I'm speechless.

424
00:18:47,075 --> 00:18:49,177
Somebody say something!

425
00:18:49,211 --> 00:18:50,757
Abed?

426
00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:57,552
Cool.
Cool, cool, cool.

427
00:18:57,586 --> 00:18:59,663
That's a lie.

428
00:19:07,991 --> 00:19:12,390
And then that sperm came down,
I mean, I couldn't say anything!

429
00:19:12,391 --> 00:19:15,474
But oh, my God!
I was gonna explode!

430
00:19:15,475 --> 00:19:18,227
And then that one,
that last question,

431
00:19:18,261 --> 00:19:21,013
with all of that nice stuff
out on the table,

432
00:19:21,064 --> 00:19:24,064
and you guys were having this discussion
about whether or not to quit?

433
00:19:24,067 --> 00:19:26,635
At first, I was like,
"Aaaaah!"

434
00:19:26,653 --> 00:19:29,291
But you did it!
You did it!

435
00:19:29,292 --> 00:19:31,106
It was amazing!

436
00:19:31,107 --> 00:19:33,492
You're amazing, man!
You're amazing!

437
00:19:33,526 --> 00:19:35,911
Guys, this is the best.

438
00:19:35,945 --> 00:19:38,130
We should do this every week.

439
00:19:38,164 --> 00:19:42,451
Oh, I'm a fun guy, you know?
I mean, you talk about lying.

440
00:19:42,485 --> 00:19:45,987
I was lying the whole time.
This is who I really am. This is me.

441
00:19:46,005 --> 00:19:48,323
This is the real me.
I'm artistic.

442
00:19:48,341 --> 00:19:52,044
Ideas come to me all the time.

443
00:19:52,095 --> 00:19:54,096
I have this idea for a movie.

444
00:19:54,130 --> 00:19:56,932
It's about this guy
who oversees polygraph tests,

445
00:19:56,966 --> 00:19:59,835
and the biggest obstacle
is how good-looking he is.

446
00:19:59,853 --> 00:20:02,221
People can't focus
and tell the truth.

447
00:20:02,272 --> 00:20:03,914
It's unbelievable.

448
00:20:03,915 --> 00:20:07,776
By the way, uh, we never
found out how Pierce died.

449
00:20:07,811 --> 00:20:10,896
Oh, my God. I can't believe
I didn't tell you yet.

450
00:20:10,947 --> 00:20:15,484
It was dehydration from filling
up all of those cylinders.

451
00:20:15,518 --> 00:20:18,854
I mean, it's how I want to go,
but, hey, I'm a little nutty.

452
00:20:20,573 --> 00:20:23,242
Are you guys thinking
what I'm thinking?

453
00:20:23,293 --> 00:20:25,022
Shots!

454
00:20:25,121 --> 00:20:28,121
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