1
00:00:02,861 --> 00:00:05,113
Well...
See you after the break.
2
00:00:05,114 --> 00:00:06,702
What are you all doing
for Thanksgiving?
3
00:00:06,703 --> 00:00:08,137
I'm having
Andre's whole family over,
4
00:00:08,138 --> 00:00:09,572
though he'll be stuck
working at the stereo store
5
00:00:09,573 --> 00:00:10,640
for Black Friday.
6
00:00:10,641 --> 00:00:12,391
Oh, sure, you get to say that,
7
00:00:12,392 --> 00:00:14,927
but we're stuck
calling it "Jew Friday."
8
00:00:14,928 --> 00:00:18,430
Ugh, I'll be with my family,
fielding the same old questions.
9
00:00:18,431 --> 00:00:19,615
"How's community college?"
10
00:00:19,616 --> 00:00:20,600
"What's your major?"
11
00:00:20,601 --> 00:00:21,584
"Are those real?"
12
00:00:21,585 --> 00:00:22,718
My aunt's boyfriend.
13
00:00:22,719 --> 00:00:24,804
"Oh, my family's
a normal religion,
14
00:00:24,805 --> 00:00:26,372
"so I have to talk to them
for five minutes
15
00:00:26,373 --> 00:00:29,191
before I get a casserole
that's all marshmallow."
16
00:00:29,192 --> 00:00:30,176
That's you.
17
00:00:30,177 --> 00:00:31,377
Brainstorm.
18
00:00:31,378 --> 00:00:32,995
Why don't you all
come over to my house?
19
00:00:32,996 --> 00:00:34,130
I'll have plenty of food.
20
00:00:34,131 --> 00:00:35,097
- That would be great.
- Marshmallows.
21
00:00:35,098 --> 00:00:36,365
Sounds good to me.
22
00:00:36,366 --> 00:00:37,400
I was going to microwave
buttered noodles,
23
00:00:37,401 --> 00:00:38,634
but this sounds
equally promising.
24
00:00:38,635 --> 00:00:39,952
I'm in.
Oh, goody.
25
00:00:39,953 --> 00:00:41,537
Well, you know,
you're all welcome, of course.
26
00:00:41,538 --> 00:00:43,339
- I'm in.
- Or, you know, Jeff or whoever.
27
00:00:43,340 --> 00:00:44,440
Can't. Plans.
28
00:00:44,441 --> 00:00:45,775
Well, if you change your mind,
29
00:00:45,776 --> 00:00:47,526
I can't think of anyone
who would enjoy having you more.
30
00:00:47,527 --> 00:00:49,996
How-Dean, pilgrims.
31
00:00:49,997 --> 00:00:51,564
- Is that...
- John Wayne, yes.
32
00:00:51,565 --> 00:00:52,798
Oh, good, you got it.
33
00:00:52,799 --> 00:00:56,586
Anyhoo, I just thought
I'd mosey on over here,
34
00:00:56,587 --> 00:00:59,171
invite you all
to Greendale's annual
35
00:00:59,172 --> 00:01:01,824
Thanks-living
potluck dinner,
36
00:01:01,825 --> 00:01:04,860
where we remember all we have
to be thankful for.
37
00:01:04,861 --> 00:01:06,195
There may be a statistical link
38
00:01:06,196 --> 00:01:08,514
to enrollment at Greendale
and holiday suicide.
39
00:01:08,515 --> 00:01:10,132
- Oh.
- Just a shoelace...
40
00:01:10,133 --> 00:01:12,551
and belt-free night
full of fun.
41
00:01:12,552 --> 00:01:14,453
You should all drop by.
42
00:01:14,454 --> 00:01:15,588
Or Jeff.
Or whoever.
43
00:01:15,589 --> 00:01:16,672
Oh, he can't.
He has plans.
44
00:01:16,673 --> 00:01:18,024
Oh, right,
45
00:01:18,025 --> 00:01:19,191
you are spending Thanksgiving
with your father.
46
00:01:19,192 --> 00:01:20,509
[All gasp]
47
00:01:20,510 --> 00:01:23,012
I thought I told you
to stop reading my email.
48
00:01:23,013 --> 00:01:25,765
Yeah, well, I thought I told
you to stop keeping secrets.
49
00:01:25,766 --> 00:01:26,932
How am I supposed to keep track
50
00:01:26,933 --> 00:01:28,434
of what you tell me
in confidence
51
00:01:28,435 --> 00:01:29,719
and what I hear
through your walls
52
00:01:29,720 --> 00:01:30,819
with a glass to my ear?
53
00:01:34,023 --> 00:01:36,058
Fine.
Close your mouths.
54
00:01:36,059 --> 00:01:38,227
I'm having Thanksgiving
with my estranged father.
55
00:01:38,228 --> 00:01:39,195
Can we move on now?
56
00:01:39,196 --> 00:01:40,379
Makes sense.
57
00:01:40,380 --> 00:01:41,731
Jeff's at a point in his life
58
00:01:41,732 --> 00:01:43,633
where he needs a strong
father figure to come out to.
59
00:01:43,634 --> 00:01:45,868
Jeff, this is huge news.
60
00:01:45,869 --> 00:01:47,353
Huger news.
61
00:01:47,354 --> 00:01:50,022
Was this decision made after
our Halloween conversation?
62
00:01:50,023 --> 00:01:52,858
Yes, after.
Not because of.
63
00:01:52,859 --> 00:01:55,027
I'll take it.
64
00:01:55,028 --> 00:01:56,245
[Hip-hop music playing]
65
00:01:56,246 --> 00:01:58,731
You had that teed up?
66
00:01:58,732 --> 00:02:00,616
When I say "thera,"
you say "pist."
67
00:02:00,617 --> 00:02:01,617
Thera...
68
00:02:01,618 --> 00:02:02,585
- pist.
- Thera...
69
00:02:02,586 --> 00:02:03,586
[all groaning]
70
00:02:03,587 --> 00:02:04,637
Thanks for the support, guys.
71
00:02:04,638 --> 00:02:07,523
Oh, the support has just begun.
72
00:02:07,524 --> 00:02:09,258
What do you want me to bring
to papa Winger's house,
73
00:02:09,259 --> 00:02:11,410
some vegan pumpkin pie?
74
00:02:11,411 --> 00:02:12,778
Britta, you're not coming.
75
00:02:12,779 --> 00:02:15,014
Fine, regular pumpkin pie.
76
00:02:15,015 --> 00:02:16,215
Jeff, you're going to need me
77
00:02:16,216 --> 00:02:17,950
when things get messy
and emotional.
78
00:02:17,951 --> 00:02:19,318
The only thing that's going
to get messy and emotional
79
00:02:19,319 --> 00:02:21,203
is Troy, when he realizes
there are yams
80
00:02:21,204 --> 00:02:22,388
underneath those marshmallows.
81
00:02:22,389 --> 00:02:24,390
I knew it was too good
to be true.
82
00:02:24,391 --> 00:02:26,976
Jeff, speaking not just
as your friend
83
00:02:26,977 --> 00:02:29,512
but as an avid
daytime TV watcher,
84
00:02:29,513 --> 00:02:33,616
these parent-child reunions
can get intense.
85
00:02:33,617 --> 00:02:35,234
Chairs might be thrown.
86
00:02:35,235 --> 00:02:36,652
Weaves might be pulled.
87
00:02:36,653 --> 00:02:37,937
Or I could just go in there,
88
00:02:37,938 --> 00:02:40,106
show him how awesome I am,
no thanks to him,
89
00:02:40,107 --> 00:02:41,057
meet my half-brother...
90
00:02:41,058 --> 00:02:42,024
[All gasping]
91
00:02:42,025 --> 00:02:43,909
And then, boom.
Closure.
92
00:02:43,910 --> 00:02:45,628
Your dad has another son?
93
00:02:45,629 --> 00:02:47,063
Yeah.
So, clearly, he's moved on.
94
00:02:47,064 --> 00:02:48,964
Why can't I?
Close your mouths.
95
00:02:48,965 --> 00:02:50,566
Look, I appreciate
your concern,
96
00:02:50,567 --> 00:02:52,918
but really, the most helpful
thing you can do
97
00:02:52,919 --> 00:02:54,286
is stay out of my business.
98
00:02:54,287 --> 00:02:56,205
Oh, can you
say that last part again?
99
00:02:56,206 --> 00:02:58,257
These walls
are entirely too thick.
100
00:02:58,258 --> 00:03:00,459
♪ Give me some rope
101
00:03:00,460 --> 00:03:02,178
♪ tie me to dream
102
00:03:02,179 --> 00:03:03,495
♪ give me the hope
103
00:03:03,496 --> 00:03:05,331
♪ to run out of steam
104
00:03:05,332 --> 00:03:08,634
♪ somebody said
it can be here ♪
105
00:03:08,635 --> 00:03:10,352
♪ we could be roped up
106
00:03:10,353 --> 00:03:12,688
♪ tied up, dead in a year ♪
107
00:03:12,689 --> 00:03:17,810
♪ I can't count the reasons
I should stay ♪
108
00:03:17,811 --> 00:03:21,847
♪ one by one,
they all just fade away ♪
109
00:03:21,848 --> 00:03:24,115
Sync and corrected by Elderfel
www.addic7ed.com
110
00:03:47,239 --> 00:03:48,374
[Doorbell rings]
111
00:03:48,375 --> 00:03:50,126
Oh!
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
112
00:03:50,127 --> 00:03:51,210
- Hey.
- Hi.
113
00:03:51,211 --> 00:03:53,279
Let's carve that jive turkey!
114
00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:55,915
- Got that out of your system?
- Yeah.
115
00:03:55,916 --> 00:03:57,333
Then I'm so happy
to welcome you all to my home.
116
00:03:57,334 --> 00:04:00,553
- Oh, thank you.
- Hello, come in.
117
00:04:00,554 --> 00:04:02,754
Take your coats off.
Make yourself comfortable.
118
00:04:02,755 --> 00:04:04,306
Browse the available literature
119
00:04:04,307 --> 00:04:05,775
about Jesus Christ
as your personal savior.
120
00:04:05,776 --> 00:04:07,960
Or not.
No agenda.
121
00:04:07,961 --> 00:04:09,929
Are you going
to pass some apps soon,
122
00:04:09,930 --> 00:04:12,164
or do I have to die
of starvation to prove a point?
123
00:04:12,165 --> 00:04:13,315
Oh, everybody,
124
00:04:13,316 --> 00:04:14,617
this is Mr. Bennett,
my father-in-law.
125
00:04:14,618 --> 00:04:16,268
Dad, these are my friends
from college.
126
00:04:16,269 --> 00:04:17,486
[Farts]
127
00:04:17,487 --> 00:04:19,705
Oh, yeah.
That's Andre's people.
128
00:04:19,706 --> 00:04:20,806
They're a bunch of characters.
129
00:04:20,807 --> 00:04:22,341
That's a good one, dad.
130
00:04:22,342 --> 00:04:24,760
- Oh, I brought something.
- Oh.
131
00:04:24,761 --> 00:04:26,078
Dip.
132
00:04:26,079 --> 00:04:29,331
Oh, Abed, why is this
seven layer dip so puffy?
133
00:04:29,332 --> 00:04:30,866
Oh, it's been in the fridge
for two years.
134
00:04:30,867 --> 00:04:32,768
I was saving it
for a special occasion.
135
00:04:32,769 --> 00:04:34,186
Oh, that's so thoughtful.
136
00:04:34,187 --> 00:04:35,554
I'm going to put this
on a nice platter
137
00:04:35,555 --> 00:04:36,872
with some crackers
in the trash.
138
00:04:36,873 --> 00:04:37,840
Where's Britta?
139
00:04:37,841 --> 00:04:40,009
Hey, Jeff.
What's up?
140
00:04:40,010 --> 00:04:41,927
What's up is closure.
141
00:04:41,928 --> 00:04:44,513
I met my dad,
we talked things out as men.
142
00:04:44,514 --> 00:04:45,748
I think I'm ready to move on.
143
00:04:45,749 --> 00:04:47,032
Really, in 20 minutes?
144
00:04:47,033 --> 00:04:51,787
Fine.
Look, I couldn't do it.
145
00:04:51,788 --> 00:04:53,889
I was at the front door,
totally in control,
146
00:04:53,890 --> 00:04:55,774
and then I started thinking
about all that stuff you said
147
00:04:55,775 --> 00:04:59,595
about messiness,
and it threw me off my game.
148
00:04:59,596 --> 00:05:01,096
You know, the irony is,
149
00:05:01,097 --> 00:05:03,566
after all your pestering that
I deal with my daddy issues,
150
00:05:03,567 --> 00:05:06,018
you're the reason
I'm not meeting my father.
151
00:05:06,019 --> 00:05:08,921
Or maybe I'm the reason
you'll come here after all.
152
00:05:08,922 --> 00:05:10,039
Britta, I...
153
00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:12,892
Wait.
What do you mean by "here"?
154
00:05:12,893 --> 00:05:14,493
Your dad's house,
155
00:05:14,494 --> 00:05:19,131
where I kind of, sort of, am.
156
00:05:19,132 --> 00:05:20,249
Yeah, thanks, Sharon.
157
00:05:20,250 --> 00:05:21,800
I never thought
about it that way.
158
00:05:21,801 --> 00:05:23,419
Batman is sort of gay.
159
00:05:23,420 --> 00:05:24,854
Be right back.
160
00:05:24,855 --> 00:05:27,356
What is going on?
161
00:05:27,357 --> 00:05:29,024
Why is Thanksgiving
so terrible?
162
00:05:29,025 --> 00:05:30,442
I know.
163
00:05:30,443 --> 00:05:33,629
The tension, the backbiting,
the judgmental comments.
164
00:05:33,630 --> 00:05:36,248
This makes Thanksgiving
with my family look...
165
00:05:36,249 --> 00:05:37,616
eh, still pretty bad.
166
00:05:37,617 --> 00:05:39,635
I said Batman was gay.
167
00:05:39,636 --> 00:05:41,770
Ugh.
Sheesh.
168
00:05:41,771 --> 00:05:44,406
You ask one lady
if she's Tyler Perry in drag,
169
00:05:44,407 --> 00:05:45,841
and suddenly,
you're the bad guy.
170
00:05:45,842 --> 00:05:48,177
It's a reference.
That's my humor.
171
00:05:48,178 --> 00:05:49,778
Abed gets it.
172
00:05:49,779 --> 00:05:51,447
Oh, you're all hiding out
in here.
173
00:05:51,448 --> 00:05:54,366
- We're not hiding.
- You know us, hide away.
174
00:05:54,367 --> 00:05:55,651
Well, be careful.
175
00:05:55,652 --> 00:05:56,952
You might be
giving the impression
176
00:05:56,953 --> 00:05:58,671
that you prefer the cold garage
177
00:05:58,672 --> 00:06:01,023
to the warm heart
of my hospitality.
178
00:06:01,024 --> 00:06:03,175
What? As if.
179
00:06:03,176 --> 00:06:04,142
Yay.
180
00:06:04,143 --> 00:06:05,327
Uh-huh.
Okay.
181
00:06:05,328 --> 00:06:08,347
Well, hurry back soon.
182
00:06:08,348 --> 00:06:09,899
This is the Jonestown
of dinners.
183
00:06:09,900 --> 00:06:11,216
I feel like I'm in jail.
184
00:06:11,217 --> 00:06:13,469
And you know what happens
to guys like me in jail.
185
00:06:13,470 --> 00:06:14,703
They get really
into push-ups,
186
00:06:14,704 --> 00:06:19,541
and I am fine with my upper body
the way it is!
187
00:06:19,542 --> 00:06:21,010
It did feel like a prison,
188
00:06:21,011 --> 00:06:23,929
and that meant only one thing
made sense, conceptually.
189
00:06:23,930 --> 00:06:25,247
We had to break out.
190
00:06:25,248 --> 00:06:26,949
And someone with the gravitas
of Morgan Freeman
191
00:06:26,950 --> 00:06:28,900
had to narrate it.
192
00:06:28,901 --> 00:06:30,168
We need to do a prison break.
193
00:06:35,674 --> 00:06:37,109
Happy Thanksgiving?
194
00:06:37,110 --> 00:06:38,811
You really "you'd"
this one, huh?
195
00:06:38,812 --> 00:06:41,179
Okay, yes, I meddled
against your wishes,
196
00:06:41,180 --> 00:06:43,181
and yes, I got this address
from the Dean,
197
00:06:43,182 --> 00:06:44,182
but hey.
198
00:06:44,183 --> 00:06:45,284
You had a moment of doubt,
199
00:06:45,285 --> 00:06:46,852
and here I am
to help you through it.
200
00:06:46,853 --> 00:06:49,187
Psychology tells us
there are no accidents.
201
00:06:49,188 --> 00:06:50,322
Oh, really?
202
00:06:50,323 --> 00:06:51,407
What about car accidents,
Tara Reid,
203
00:06:51,408 --> 00:06:53,025
or the Hindenburg?
204
00:06:53,026 --> 00:06:54,575
Here goes nothing.
205
00:06:59,131 --> 00:07:00,081
Hello, William.
206
00:07:05,048 --> 00:07:08,769
So, uh... how about we make
a couple of ground rules?
207
00:07:08,770 --> 00:07:11,227
Actually, that sounds good.
Okay. No hugs.
208
00:07:11,228 --> 00:07:12,695
Wouldn't want one.
No apologies.
209
00:07:12,696 --> 00:07:14,947
Wouldn't accept one.
No calling you "dad."
210
00:07:14,948 --> 00:07:16,849
- No expectations.
- No B.S.
211
00:07:16,850 --> 00:07:17,850
- Drink?
- Scotch.
212
00:07:17,851 --> 00:07:19,202
- 18?
- Neat.
213
00:07:19,203 --> 00:07:20,570
I just want to acknowledge
214
00:07:20,571 --> 00:07:22,705
that there are a lot
of emotions flowing right now,
215
00:07:22,706 --> 00:07:25,658
and you two are probably
feeling a strong impulse
216
00:07:25,659 --> 00:07:26,993
to sleep with each other,
217
00:07:26,994 --> 00:07:29,712
and hey, that's normal.
218
00:07:29,713 --> 00:07:33,783
Wow.
I'll get the drinks.
219
00:07:33,784 --> 00:07:36,452
So, how about that?
No muss, no fuss.
220
00:07:36,453 --> 00:07:39,489
Jeff, I urge you not to run
from the muss and fuss.
221
00:07:39,490 --> 00:07:41,109
Hi.
222
00:07:42,643 --> 00:07:43,676
Hi.
223
00:07:43,677 --> 00:07:45,161
You must be
my half-brother.
224
00:07:45,162 --> 00:07:48,581
Oh, your hands are so much
bigger than mine.
225
00:07:48,582 --> 00:07:50,416
Your nail beds are perfect.
226
00:07:50,417 --> 00:07:51,834
I can't do it.
I can't.
227
00:07:51,835 --> 00:07:53,152
Oh, God.
228
00:07:53,153 --> 00:07:54,120
Oh, it's coming up.
229
00:07:54,121 --> 00:07:55,655
When I get upset, I vomit.
230
00:07:55,656 --> 00:07:58,107
Oh, I see you've
met Willy Junior.
231
00:07:58,108 --> 00:08:01,127
You said he wasn't going
to replace me.
232
00:08:01,128 --> 00:08:03,679
He's the Schwarzenegger.
I'm the DeVito.
233
00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:04,864
I get it.
234
00:08:04,865 --> 00:08:06,115
[Laughs]
235
00:08:06,116 --> 00:08:08,484
Okay, fellas,
let's get right into it.
236
00:08:08,485 --> 00:08:12,472
I think the big question
on everyone's mind is
237
00:08:12,473 --> 00:08:14,657
why don't I go
help Willy Junior?
238
00:08:14,658 --> 00:08:15,991
Hmm?
239
00:08:18,377 --> 00:08:20,580
One thing was clear to me
and the rest of the crew.
240
00:08:20,581 --> 00:08:23,149
Bennett lockup was not
where we belonged.
241
00:08:23,150 --> 00:08:25,368
We belonged in the sun,
with the wind in our hair,
242
00:08:25,369 --> 00:08:27,570
or maybe at a Bennigan's,
enjoying a Turkey O'Toole.
243
00:08:27,571 --> 00:08:29,238
We should tunnel out.
244
00:08:29,239 --> 00:08:30,973
Abed, Shirley is our friend,
245
00:08:30,974 --> 00:08:32,225
and we're guests in her home.
246
00:08:32,226 --> 00:08:33,759
We need a plan
that won't hurt her feelings,
247
00:08:33,760 --> 00:08:35,328
or damage her property.
248
00:08:35,329 --> 00:08:37,797
Definitely don't look
behind that poster, then.
249
00:08:37,798 --> 00:08:39,499
I could pretend
to have a stroke.
250
00:08:39,500 --> 00:08:41,317
Do a gibberish
foreign language.
251
00:08:41,318 --> 00:08:44,837
What if I did a gibberish
foreign language like Star Wars?
252
00:08:44,838 --> 00:08:46,656
You'd like that, I bet.
Dick.
253
00:08:46,657 --> 00:08:49,425
Look, I'm sure we'll
figure out a way out of here.
254
00:08:49,426 --> 00:08:52,695
What's important right now
is that we stick together.
255
00:08:52,696 --> 00:08:54,830
- Yeah.
- Oh, there you are.
256
00:08:54,831 --> 00:08:56,249
Who wants
a pre-dinner snack?
257
00:08:56,250 --> 00:08:57,800
[Groans]
Oh!
258
00:08:57,801 --> 00:08:59,252
Oh, pumpkin, what's wrong?
259
00:08:59,253 --> 00:09:02,205
Oh, it's too embarrassing
260
00:09:02,206 --> 00:09:03,756
to talk about
in front of the guys,
261
00:09:03,757 --> 00:09:04,974
know what I mean, girlfriend?
262
00:09:04,975 --> 00:09:06,108
Oh, sweetie.
263
00:09:06,109 --> 00:09:07,777
Do you have your monthly shame?
264
00:09:07,778 --> 00:09:10,062
Do you want to lie down
in Elijah's room?
265
00:09:10,063 --> 00:09:12,064
Oh, I don't think
that's going to cut it.
266
00:09:12,065 --> 00:09:13,933
I probably need to go home
and call Dr. Collins.
267
00:09:13,934 --> 00:09:14,984
It's that bad.
268
00:09:14,985 --> 00:09:16,035
Oh, well, you know,
269
00:09:16,036 --> 00:09:17,820
my sister-in-law's
a gynecologist,
270
00:09:17,821 --> 00:09:19,205
and she's right
in the other room.
271
00:09:19,206 --> 00:09:21,574
There's no need to bother
your doctor on a holiday.
272
00:09:21,575 --> 00:09:22,959
Go ahead.
Mm-hmm.
273
00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:24,627
I'd like to tell you
Annie avoided.
274
00:09:24,628 --> 00:09:26,529
Shirley's doctor
sister-in-law,
275
00:09:26,530 --> 00:09:27,880
but this ain't no fairy tale.
276
00:09:27,881 --> 00:09:29,782
This is Thanksgiving.
277
00:09:29,783 --> 00:09:32,752
Let's see, what else?
278
00:09:32,753 --> 00:09:35,671
You've got some diabetes,
on my mother's side.
279
00:09:35,672 --> 00:09:36,622
Good to know.
280
00:09:36,623 --> 00:09:37,823
I like your hair.
281
00:09:37,824 --> 00:09:40,142
The presence of it, I mean.
282
00:09:40,143 --> 00:09:43,045
So I have a question,
283
00:09:43,046 --> 00:09:44,997
and it's been weighing
on me pretty heavily.
284
00:09:44,998 --> 00:09:48,284
At your age, in the bedroom...
285
00:09:48,285 --> 00:09:50,970
Oh, yeah.
It's all good.
286
00:09:50,971 --> 00:09:53,105
- Yeah?
- Real good.
287
00:09:53,106 --> 00:09:55,808
Look at them.
Bonding.
288
00:09:55,809 --> 00:09:58,394
Probably laughing
'cause I can't grow a beard.
289
00:09:58,395 --> 00:09:59,679
I have an idea.
290
00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:01,597
Why don't we
use these dinner rolls
291
00:10:01,598 --> 00:10:03,583
to do some "roll" play?
292
00:10:03,584 --> 00:10:05,718
I see what I did there.
293
00:10:05,719 --> 00:10:07,219
Okay.
294
00:10:07,220 --> 00:10:11,090
This roll, this is me.
295
00:10:11,091 --> 00:10:12,575
He's crying.
296
00:10:12,576 --> 00:10:14,944
Good.
That's really good.
297
00:10:14,945 --> 00:10:17,413
So, uh, what do you do?
298
00:10:17,414 --> 00:10:20,066
I'm a lawyer
who faked a bachelor's degree
299
00:10:20,067 --> 00:10:21,567
and practiced law
for seven years
300
00:10:21,568 --> 00:10:22,568
before I got caught.
301
00:10:22,569 --> 00:10:24,086
[Laughs]
302
00:10:24,087 --> 00:10:25,421
I like your hustle.
303
00:10:25,422 --> 00:10:28,190
Reminds me of the summer
I was Ralph Lauren
304
00:10:28,191 --> 00:10:29,225
out in St. tropez.
305
00:10:29,226 --> 00:10:32,127
'83, I'm on a boat with, uh...
306
00:10:32,128 --> 00:10:33,762
Damn it, Willy!
307
00:10:33,763 --> 00:10:35,665
- I'm expressing.
- Knock it off.
308
00:10:35,666 --> 00:10:38,701
Why can't you just swallow it,
like any normal person?
309
00:10:38,702 --> 00:10:41,687
Oh! Oh, right.
Like your new son.
310
00:10:41,688 --> 00:10:44,140
Like mister...
mister I've got my shirt...
311
00:10:44,141 --> 00:10:47,076
I don't know a lot of
personal details about you yet.
312
00:10:47,077 --> 00:10:48,210
Well, my name's Jeff.
313
00:10:48,211 --> 00:10:51,113
Don't help me,
mister helper guy.
314
00:10:51,114 --> 00:10:52,748
First mom dies, now this?
315
00:10:52,749 --> 00:10:54,583
Hey, she died
20 years ago, Willy.
316
00:10:54,584 --> 00:10:56,352
He keeps singing
the same old song.
317
00:10:56,353 --> 00:10:58,688
Wow.
She died on you.
318
00:10:58,689 --> 00:11:00,723
Here I thought you'd
become father of the year,
319
00:11:00,724 --> 00:11:02,141
but you just got stuck.
320
00:11:02,142 --> 00:11:03,592
Yeah, well, look,
I don't have to tell you
321
00:11:03,593 --> 00:11:05,678
I'm not a natural caretaker,
322
00:11:05,679 --> 00:11:08,581
but with Willy, you know,
I-I checked all the boxes,
323
00:11:08,582 --> 00:11:11,450
and he still turned out
softer than wet cheese.
324
00:11:11,451 --> 00:11:13,285
I don't get it.
325
00:11:13,286 --> 00:11:15,304
He keeps saying he's going
to move out next week,
326
00:11:15,305 --> 00:11:16,422
since '03.
327
00:11:16,423 --> 00:11:18,691
Oh, man, I couldn't
wait to get out.
328
00:11:18,692 --> 00:11:20,126
I got my own place
when I was 18.
329
00:11:20,127 --> 00:11:23,312
I was the same way.
330
00:11:23,313 --> 00:11:26,349
So who's ready to eat?
331
00:11:26,350 --> 00:11:28,817
Jeff, you care
to carve the turkey?
332
00:11:28,818 --> 00:11:30,336
I knew it!
333
00:11:30,337 --> 00:11:32,071
You love him more than me.
334
00:11:32,072 --> 00:11:34,290
I'll show you.
I'll run away.
335
00:11:34,291 --> 00:11:37,276
Oh, please.
Hey, be my guest.
336
00:11:37,277 --> 00:11:40,512
You run away, and I'm going
to sleep like a baby tonight.
337
00:11:42,798 --> 00:11:45,234
Oh, now, I'm sorry
you guys had to see that,
338
00:11:45,235 --> 00:11:46,986
but maybe you could
shrink his head,
339
00:11:46,987 --> 00:11:49,004
since you're here
for some reason.
340
00:11:49,005 --> 00:11:52,608
Yes.
I can do this.
341
00:11:52,609 --> 00:11:54,827
Show me on the dinner roll
where you're hurt!
342
00:11:54,828 --> 00:11:57,496
And that's how it went
for the afternoon.
343
00:11:57,497 --> 00:12:00,449
This tag team turkey day
became our routine.
344
00:12:00,450 --> 00:12:02,985
We endured the indignities
as best we could.
345
00:12:02,986 --> 00:12:05,221
Cousins fighting,
complaints about the food,
346
00:12:05,222 --> 00:12:07,490
listening to a nephew
do Borat for a full hour.
347
00:12:07,491 --> 00:12:10,142
We figured out ways
to steal away from time to time,
348
00:12:10,143 --> 00:12:13,095
saying we had to pee,
had to get ice,
349
00:12:13,096 --> 00:12:14,797
had to do a jewish thing
in the other room.
350
00:12:14,798 --> 00:12:16,882
[Harmonica playing]
351
00:12:16,883 --> 00:12:20,603
I became known as the guy
who could get you things
352
00:12:20,604 --> 00:12:24,340
piece of gum, playing cards,
353
00:12:24,341 --> 00:12:27,243
some novelty glasses I found
in a box marked "crap."
354
00:12:27,244 --> 00:12:30,446
In those brief,
tranquil moments, we felt human.
355
00:12:30,447 --> 00:12:31,914
We felt free.
356
00:12:31,915 --> 00:12:35,751
But sooner or later,
our warden would come knocking.
357
00:12:35,752 --> 00:12:38,254
Mostly, we just waited
for our time to be served,
358
00:12:38,255 --> 00:12:40,906
but some didn't
take kindly to waiting.
359
00:12:40,907 --> 00:12:42,391
Some didn't
have much time left.
360
00:12:42,392 --> 00:12:44,693
Enough.
Amateur hour is over.
361
00:12:44,694 --> 00:12:47,296
I'm going in there,
pretend to break a hip,
362
00:12:47,297 --> 00:12:51,716
and we'll be sipping Sambuca
at skeepers in no time.
363
00:12:54,620 --> 00:12:56,205
[Faint commotion]
364
00:12:56,206 --> 00:12:57,907
Whoa.
He tripped on the rug.
365
00:12:57,908 --> 00:12:59,592
Wait, now he's getting up.
366
00:12:59,593 --> 00:13:02,077
He's walking around dazed
like he's got a head injury.
367
00:13:02,078 --> 00:13:03,813
Oh, groin into the corner
of the table.
368
00:13:03,814 --> 00:13:05,147
This might actually work.
369
00:13:05,148 --> 00:13:06,115
Ow.
370
00:13:06,116 --> 00:13:07,216
[Laughter]
371
00:13:07,217 --> 00:13:09,401
Wait, wait,
why are people laughing?
372
00:13:09,402 --> 00:13:11,137
[Grunts]
373
00:13:11,138 --> 00:13:14,240
Let's see, I need a broom,
a rake, or two rakes...
374
00:13:14,241 --> 00:13:16,325
Pierce, you were supposed
to pretend to injure yourself
375
00:13:16,326 --> 00:13:17,710
so we could leave.
376
00:13:17,711 --> 00:13:19,261
Leave?
377
00:13:19,262 --> 00:13:21,831
This is my
showtime at the Apollo.
378
00:13:21,832 --> 00:13:23,365
I'm killing out there.
379
00:13:23,366 --> 00:13:24,733
[Guests cheering]
380
00:13:24,734 --> 00:13:28,003
Pierce was our last hope,
or so we thought.
381
00:13:28,004 --> 00:13:31,941
It seemed Troy Barnes
had a plan.
382
00:13:31,942 --> 00:13:33,108
What if we got sick?
383
00:13:33,109 --> 00:13:35,611
No.
No more faking illnesses.
384
00:13:35,612 --> 00:13:40,081
Not fake sick.
Real sick.
385
00:13:46,422 --> 00:13:50,376
And that's when I told
my old firm to shove it.
386
00:13:50,377 --> 00:13:53,312
I've always been more
of a free agent, anyway.
387
00:13:53,313 --> 00:13:55,614
Yeah, I can see that about you.
388
00:13:55,615 --> 00:13:58,000
You seem
like a self-made man.
389
00:13:58,001 --> 00:14:00,436
Well, I kind of had to be.
390
00:14:00,437 --> 00:14:03,689
Look, if it's okay with you,
I'd like to break a rule.
391
00:14:03,690 --> 00:14:05,140
I know we said
"no mushy stuff,"
392
00:14:05,141 --> 00:14:08,627
but for what it's worth,
I'm proud of you.
393
00:14:08,628 --> 00:14:11,280
Wow.
Thanks.
394
00:14:11,281 --> 00:14:13,632
Makes you think.
395
00:14:13,633 --> 00:14:15,084
Wait, what do you mean?
396
00:14:15,085 --> 00:14:18,070
Well, look, I mean, you've
seen how Willy turned out.
397
00:14:18,071 --> 00:14:20,306
I mean, I haven't
done that kid any favors.
398
00:14:20,307 --> 00:14:22,191
And so I look at you,
399
00:14:22,192 --> 00:14:25,427
so self-reliant
and well-adjusted,
400
00:14:25,428 --> 00:14:27,813
and I think
maybe I did something right.
401
00:14:27,814 --> 00:14:29,498
You did something right?
402
00:14:29,499 --> 00:14:33,285
Well, let me
say that different.
403
00:14:33,286 --> 00:14:35,070
Uh, the universe
is a constantly expanding...
404
00:14:35,071 --> 00:14:36,488
stop.
405
00:14:36,489 --> 00:14:38,057
I get the impulse, but
that's not going to work here.
406
00:14:38,058 --> 00:14:39,542
No, I just mean that, uh,
407
00:14:39,543 --> 00:14:42,027
we are defined
by what happens to us,
408
00:14:42,028 --> 00:14:46,282
and me leaving seems
to have made you independent,
409
00:14:46,283 --> 00:14:47,516
made you strong.
410
00:14:47,517 --> 00:14:51,386
With all due respect,
which is none,
411
00:14:51,387 --> 00:14:53,221
go to hell.
412
00:14:53,222 --> 00:14:55,324
So tunneling out
is off the table?
413
00:14:55,325 --> 00:14:58,327
Who's hungry for turkey?
414
00:14:58,328 --> 00:14:59,828
Shirley, we were just...
415
00:14:59,829 --> 00:15:00,829
About to...
416
00:15:00,830 --> 00:15:02,248
Eat garbage dip.
417
00:15:02,249 --> 00:15:05,701
Why did I have to go third?
418
00:15:05,702 --> 00:15:07,469
Look, I get it.
You want to leave.
419
00:15:07,470 --> 00:15:09,805
Shirley, we're sorry.
420
00:15:09,806 --> 00:15:11,941
No, I'm sorry.
421
00:15:11,942 --> 00:15:14,643
To be honest, I invited you
as a bit of a buffer.
422
00:15:14,644 --> 00:15:17,096
With Andre's family,
I'm always the butt of the joke,
423
00:15:17,097 --> 00:15:18,480
and with Andre gone this year,
424
00:15:18,481 --> 00:15:20,933
I thought I could tip the scales
in my favor
425
00:15:20,934 --> 00:15:23,269
by having a few friends around.
426
00:15:23,270 --> 00:15:25,721
That was wrong of me.
427
00:15:25,722 --> 00:15:28,023
See you Monday.
428
00:15:28,024 --> 00:15:29,358
[Door closes]
429
00:15:29,359 --> 00:15:30,559
I can't believe
none of us noticed
430
00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:32,444
she was having
such a hard time.
431
00:15:32,445 --> 00:15:34,630
We can't leave.
432
00:15:34,631 --> 00:15:35,948
Funny thing about prison.
433
00:15:35,949 --> 00:15:38,066
Sometimes the person
you thought was your warden
434
00:15:38,067 --> 00:15:39,835
turns out
to be a fellow prisoner,
435
00:15:39,836 --> 00:15:42,104
which doesn't really line up
with the whole Shawshank thing,
436
00:15:42,105 --> 00:15:44,356
but maybe we've always been doing
more of a Prison Break.
437
00:15:44,357 --> 00:15:45,323
The show.
438
00:15:52,958 --> 00:15:56,722
- Whoa, what are you doing in my car?
- Take me with you.
439
00:15:56,723 --> 00:15:57,907
Teach me what you know.
440
00:15:57,908 --> 00:15:59,842
What in the cat's cradle
is happening?
441
00:15:59,843 --> 00:16:01,043
Dad hates me.
442
00:16:01,044 --> 00:16:02,178
What do you care
what that guy thinks?
443
00:16:02,179 --> 00:16:03,312
He's a dick.
444
00:16:03,313 --> 00:16:05,598
See, that's
what I need to learn!
445
00:16:05,599 --> 00:16:08,417
How to be all dead inside
with muscles on top,
446
00:16:08,418 --> 00:16:10,402
not all emotional and flabby.
447
00:16:10,403 --> 00:16:12,354
Yeah, but you are emotional,
448
00:16:12,355 --> 00:16:13,422
and if you pretend you're not,
449
00:16:13,423 --> 00:16:14,440
you're only letting him
off the hook
450
00:16:14,441 --> 00:16:15,875
for being a terrible father,
451
00:16:15,876 --> 00:16:17,576
which he is
and always has been.
452
00:16:17,577 --> 00:16:19,929
I mean,
he meant the world to you,
453
00:16:19,930 --> 00:16:22,047
and you meant nothing to him,
454
00:16:22,048 --> 00:16:26,485
and if you run away now,
he'll never know.
455
00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:29,688
He should know.
456
00:16:29,689 --> 00:16:32,191
Britta's the worst.
457
00:16:32,192 --> 00:16:33,292
Ow!
Jeez.
458
00:16:33,293 --> 00:16:35,494
[Indistinct chatter]
459
00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:37,479
Oh.
I thought you guys left.
460
00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:38,881
We started as your buffer,
461
00:16:38,882 --> 00:16:40,099
but we're busting you
out of here now.
462
00:16:40,100 --> 00:16:41,333
Mm-hmm.
463
00:16:41,334 --> 00:16:43,619
I drew a map of your house
on my stomach.
464
00:16:43,620 --> 00:16:45,271
Uh, I know what my house
looks like.
465
00:16:45,272 --> 00:16:46,705
That's what I said.
466
00:16:46,706 --> 00:16:48,740
Look, if we act fast,
we can get through this plan,
467
00:16:48,741 --> 00:16:50,609
which is to put you
in the trash can,
468
00:16:50,610 --> 00:16:51,677
take you out like trash,
469
00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:52,578
but we got to dress you
like a baby.
470
00:16:52,579 --> 00:16:53,645
[Overlapping chatter]
471
00:16:53,646 --> 00:16:54,747
Thank you so much
for doing this,
472
00:16:54,748 --> 00:16:56,015
but I'm not going anywhere.
473
00:16:56,016 --> 00:16:57,650
Those people up there,
they may be rude,
474
00:16:57,651 --> 00:16:58,934
they may be pushy,
475
00:16:58,935 --> 00:17:00,436
they may have come
to some wrongheaded conclusions
476
00:17:00,437 --> 00:17:01,820
about Batman and Robin...
477
00:17:01,821 --> 00:17:03,222
Oh, thank you.
478
00:17:03,223 --> 00:17:04,390
But they're my family,
479
00:17:04,391 --> 00:17:05,858
and family means
putting up with each other
480
00:17:05,859 --> 00:17:07,109
even when it's hard.
481
00:17:07,110 --> 00:17:09,962
You guys can go.
I'll be fine.
482
00:17:09,963 --> 00:17:13,232
Actually, we're going to stay.
483
00:17:13,233 --> 00:17:14,617
- Oh.
- Yeah.
484
00:17:14,618 --> 00:17:15,901
Family sticks it out.
485
00:17:15,902 --> 00:17:17,802
That's ni...
486
00:17:19,972 --> 00:17:22,458
Okay, full disclosure.
487
00:17:22,459 --> 00:17:25,410
We're hiding out
from that crazy white guy.
488
00:17:26,946 --> 00:17:27,913
You came back!
489
00:17:27,914 --> 00:17:29,248
I'm sorry.
490
00:17:29,249 --> 00:17:31,250
You should take some credit
for who I've become.
491
00:17:31,251 --> 00:17:32,434
Okay.
492
00:17:32,435 --> 00:17:35,387
So, let me tell you
how I turned out,
493
00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:39,675
just so you're crystal clear
on your impact.
494
00:17:39,676 --> 00:17:42,711
I am not well-adjusted.
495
00:17:42,712 --> 00:17:45,698
More often than not,
I am barely keeping it together.
496
00:17:45,699 --> 00:17:48,033
I'm constantly texting,
497
00:17:48,034 --> 00:17:49,685
and there's no one
at the other end.
498
00:17:49,686 --> 00:17:51,420
I'm just a grown man
499
00:17:51,421 --> 00:17:53,071
who can't even
look his own friends
500
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:54,123
in the eye for too long
501
00:17:54,124 --> 00:17:56,174
because I'm afraid
that they'll see
502
00:17:56,175 --> 00:17:57,443
that I am broken.
503
00:17:57,444 --> 00:17:59,495
So you get credit for that.
504
00:17:59,496 --> 00:18:00,696
Oh, come on, now...
505
00:18:00,697 --> 00:18:02,765
One time,
when I was in seventh grade,
506
00:18:02,766 --> 00:18:06,135
I told everybody at school
that I had appendicitis.
507
00:18:06,136 --> 00:18:07,670
I wanted someone
to worry about me.
508
00:18:07,671 --> 00:18:11,090
But when Beth Brannon asked
to see the scar,
509
00:18:11,091 --> 00:18:12,257
I didn't want to get found out,
510
00:18:12,258 --> 00:18:16,495
so I took mom's scissors,
and I made one.
511
00:18:16,496 --> 00:18:19,581
It hurt like hell,
but it was worth it.
512
00:18:19,582 --> 00:18:23,035
Because I got 17 cards,
513
00:18:23,036 --> 00:18:25,521
and I still keep them in a box
underneath my bed
514
00:18:25,522 --> 00:18:26,989
22 years later
515
00:18:26,990 --> 00:18:29,525
because it proves that someone,
516
00:18:29,526 --> 00:18:31,710
at some point, cared about me.
517
00:18:31,711 --> 00:18:35,347
You want to see the scar?
518
00:18:35,348 --> 00:18:38,133
So you get credit
for that, too.
519
00:18:38,134 --> 00:18:39,785
This is me.
520
00:18:39,786 --> 00:18:43,722
Look, Jeff, I, uh...
521
00:18:43,723 --> 00:18:44,689
[Shouts]
522
00:18:44,690 --> 00:18:45,758
Daddy!
523
00:18:45,759 --> 00:18:48,894
Are you faking a heart attack?
524
00:18:48,895 --> 00:18:51,947
Kind of a Hail Mary.
525
00:18:51,948 --> 00:18:54,082
Happy Thanksgiving, dad.
526
00:19:00,689 --> 00:19:03,859
Look, you're probably
feeling a very strong urge
527
00:19:03,860 --> 00:19:05,077
to sleep with me right now,
528
00:19:05,078 --> 00:19:06,611
and that is normal.
529
00:19:06,612 --> 00:19:08,864
Sha.
530
00:19:08,865 --> 00:19:12,251
Britta, thank you.
531
00:19:12,252 --> 00:19:14,853
You were right.
532
00:19:14,854 --> 00:19:17,122
You're not going to get all
"jock jams" on me, are you?
533
00:19:17,123 --> 00:19:19,191
No, of course not.
534
00:19:19,192 --> 00:19:20,676
I left my boom box at school.
535
00:19:20,677 --> 00:19:21,677
[Knocking on window]
536
00:19:21,678 --> 00:19:24,079
Oh. Jeez.
537
00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:25,364
You got to stop doing that.
538
00:19:25,365 --> 00:19:27,750
Thank you.
Come here, brother.
539
00:19:27,751 --> 00:19:28,733
- Oh.
- Come here, brother.
540
00:19:28,734 --> 00:19:30,052
Wow.
541
00:19:30,053 --> 00:19:31,804
Why don't you save some
for Christmas, buddy, okay?
542
00:19:31,805 --> 00:19:34,590
And then Pierce did whiteface
over blackface.
543
00:19:34,591 --> 00:19:35,758
No one was amused.
544
00:19:35,759 --> 00:19:37,693
It's meta.
Abed gets it.
545
00:19:37,694 --> 00:19:40,446
So, Troy, how was
your first real Thanksgiving?
546
00:19:40,447 --> 00:19:41,497
No offense to Shirley,
547
00:19:41,498 --> 00:19:42,765
but I don't see
what the fuss is about.
548
00:19:42,766 --> 00:19:44,900
Thanksgiving's the wors...
549
00:19:44,901 --> 00:19:47,419
Oh!
550
00:19:47,420 --> 00:19:49,171
I heard your Thanksgiving
wasn't much better than mine,
551
00:19:49,172 --> 00:19:50,889
so I thought
we could take some time
552
00:19:50,890 --> 00:19:53,208
and be grateful
for our real family.
553
00:19:53,209 --> 00:19:54,993
The one we chose.
554
00:19:54,994 --> 00:19:58,163
- So pretty.
- Sit, sit, sit.
555
00:19:58,164 --> 00:20:00,416
We never got
to do a Shawshank homage,
556
00:20:00,417 --> 00:20:02,501
not the way I wanted to.
557
00:20:02,502 --> 00:20:04,586
Maybe the hardest prisons
to break out of
558
00:20:04,587 --> 00:20:07,239
are the ones without locks.
559
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:09,091
Wait, that doesn't
make any sense.
560
00:20:09,092 --> 00:20:11,743
After that day, Jeff seemed
like a man unburdened.
561
00:20:11,744 --> 00:20:14,179
He told me
about seeing his father again,
562
00:20:14,180 --> 00:20:15,514
about how leaving there
felt like breaking free
563
00:20:15,515 --> 00:20:17,683
of an emotional prison
he'd been in for years.
564
00:20:17,684 --> 00:20:19,968
Something about shackles
on his heart?
565
00:20:19,969 --> 00:20:21,687
To be honest,
I stopped listening.
566
00:20:21,688 --> 00:20:23,088
I was thinking about Christmas.
567
00:20:23,089 --> 00:20:24,389
I hope we do Die Hard.
568
00:20:24,390 --> 00:20:25,757
I hope it's in a restaurant.
569
00:20:25,758 --> 00:20:28,260
I hope it lays out as cleanly
as it does in my dreams.
570
00:20:28,261 --> 00:20:29,745
I hope it's cool.
571
00:20:29,746 --> 00:20:30,762
Cool, cool, cool.
572
00:20:30,763 --> 00:20:32,197
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
573
00:20:32,198 --> 00:20:34,598
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone,
including you, Dean.
574
00:20:52,547 --> 00:20:55,324
[Humming]
575
00:20:58,681 --> 00:21:00,211
Oh, my.
576
00:21:02,302 --> 00:21:05,820
I'll have to remember this
for next year.