1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,953 - Hi, Pierce. Oh... - Hi! 2 00:00:03,954 --> 00:00:06,316 Hi, Percival! 3 00:00:06,317 --> 00:00:08,292 - Hi. - Hey. 4 00:00:08,293 --> 00:00:11,879 Happy New Year, you guys. Do anything fun over break? 5 00:00:11,880 --> 00:00:13,297 Oh, baby Ben got to be baby Jesus 6 00:00:13,298 --> 00:00:14,798 in our church's nativity play. 7 00:00:14,799 --> 00:00:17,167 Andre was Joseph, and Jordan was one of the wise men, 8 00:00:17,168 --> 00:00:18,752 and I was in charge of casting. 9 00:00:18,753 --> 00:00:20,671 I digitized my entire movie collection. 10 00:00:20,672 --> 00:00:22,122 Goodbye, VHS. 11 00:00:22,123 --> 00:00:25,458 Hello, SelectaVision CED Videodisc. 12 00:00:25,459 --> 00:00:27,261 I'm very psyched for the new semester. 13 00:00:27,262 --> 00:00:31,112 Or should I say... Intro to Human Psyched. 14 00:00:31,113 --> 00:00:32,432 [All groan] The worst. 15 00:00:32,433 --> 00:00:34,818 For our midterm, we actually get to diagnose 16 00:00:34,819 --> 00:00:36,570 a fellow student with something. 17 00:00:36,571 --> 00:00:38,305 Don't you do way too much of that already? 18 00:00:38,306 --> 00:00:40,641 Accusational opposition disorder. 19 00:00:40,642 --> 00:00:41,992 Hello. 20 00:00:41,993 --> 00:00:43,310 [All gasp] Whoa. 21 00:00:43,311 --> 00:00:45,112 It appears you've all noticed that my swagger 22 00:00:45,113 --> 00:00:46,113 has a new swagger. 23 00:00:46,114 --> 00:00:47,331 I'll explain. 24 00:00:47,332 --> 00:00:49,032 Over break, I took the plunge 25 00:00:49,033 --> 00:00:50,450 and started seeing a new shrink. 26 00:00:50,451 --> 00:00:51,752 What? Hello! 27 00:00:51,753 --> 00:00:54,354 Hello. Anyway, I talked about my dad, 28 00:00:54,355 --> 00:00:55,622 punched a few pillows. 29 00:00:55,623 --> 00:00:58,425 And she put me on this amazing anti-anxiety pill. 30 00:00:58,426 --> 00:01:00,994 It's really enhanced my self-confidence. 31 00:01:00,995 --> 00:01:02,346 I explained that really well. 32 00:01:02,347 --> 00:01:05,265 Jeff, you can't be on anti-anxiety meds. 33 00:01:05,266 --> 00:01:07,718 What little self-doubt you have is the only thing 34 00:01:07,719 --> 00:01:09,502 keeping your ego penned in. 35 00:01:09,503 --> 00:01:12,039 You are a textbook narcissist. 36 00:01:12,040 --> 00:01:14,174 I'm an exceptional narcissist, Britta. 37 00:01:14,175 --> 00:01:16,693 Oh, excuse me. 38 00:01:16,694 --> 00:01:18,395 I didn't kill my wife! 39 00:01:18,396 --> 00:01:21,732 I don't care. 40 00:01:27,688 --> 00:01:30,023 Stop that fugitive! 41 00:01:30,024 --> 00:01:31,375 I was wondering how long it would take 42 00:01:31,376 --> 00:01:32,860 for things to get back to normal. 43 00:01:32,861 --> 00:01:34,027 Over break, Abed realized he could hire 44 00:01:34,028 --> 00:01:35,662 celebrity impersonators from a service 45 00:01:35,663 --> 00:01:37,314 for his own personal use. 46 00:01:37,315 --> 00:01:39,383 He's been doing it... a lot. 47 00:01:39,384 --> 00:01:40,601 He's not hurting anybody. 48 00:01:40,602 --> 00:01:41,919 He just likes reenacting scenes from movies. 49 00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:43,670 It's unquestionably awesome. 50 00:01:43,671 --> 00:01:45,088 I question it. He spent New Year's 51 00:01:45,089 --> 00:01:47,707 locked in our bathroom with a bad Tom Hanks from cast away. 52 00:01:47,708 --> 00:01:49,009 Abed was the volleyball? 53 00:01:49,010 --> 00:01:50,644 - Well, that makes sense. - You guys, focus! 54 00:01:50,645 --> 00:01:52,145 Where's he getting the money for all this? 55 00:01:52,146 --> 00:01:54,231 Intervention. Intervention. Intervention. 56 00:01:54,232 --> 00:01:56,233 No! You guys need to stop intervening. 57 00:01:56,234 --> 00:01:58,051 You seriously have a problem. 58 00:01:58,052 --> 00:02:00,487 - I said I didn't kill my wife! - I still don't care. 59 00:02:00,488 --> 00:02:01,989 Freeze! [Tranquilizer gunshot] 60 00:02:01,990 --> 00:02:03,556 [Alarmed cries] 61 00:02:03,557 --> 00:02:05,742 Chang, they're just acting! 62 00:02:05,743 --> 00:02:08,288 - Oh. Sorry. - What was that? 63 00:02:08,289 --> 00:02:11,582 - Somebody call the cops! - I've got a friend at the zoo. 64 00:02:11,583 --> 00:02:15,235 ♪ Give me some rope, time in a tree ♪ 65 00:02:15,236 --> 00:02:18,571 ♪ give me the hope to run out of steam ♪ 66 00:02:18,572 --> 00:02:21,925 ♪ somebody said we could be here ♪ 67 00:02:21,926 --> 00:02:26,046 ♪ we could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year ♪ 68 00:02:26,047 --> 00:02:31,018 ♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪ 69 00:02:31,019 --> 00:02:35,559 ♪ one by one they all just fade away ♪ 70 00:02:35,560 --> 00:02:38,589 3.12 - Contemporary Impressionists Sync and correction by Elderfel www.addic7ed.com 71 00:02:40,194 --> 00:02:42,762 What is this I hear about a tranquilizer gun? 72 00:02:42,763 --> 00:02:44,615 If you had hit a small student, 73 00:02:44,616 --> 00:02:46,033 they could have died! 74 00:02:46,034 --> 00:02:47,217 I wouldn't do that. 75 00:02:47,218 --> 00:02:48,735 I have a heavy flashlight for them. 76 00:02:48,736 --> 00:02:50,037 Oh, Ben! 77 00:02:50,038 --> 00:02:53,040 Look, I have to resort to extreme measures. 78 00:02:53,041 --> 00:02:55,108 I'm a one-man army. 79 00:02:55,109 --> 00:02:56,609 You won't let me have any guards. 80 00:02:56,610 --> 00:02:57,978 We're broke, Ben! 81 00:02:57,979 --> 00:02:59,680 We now get 80% of our electricity 82 00:02:59,681 --> 00:03:02,549 from the apartment building across the street. 83 00:03:02,550 --> 00:03:05,302 Okay... 84 00:03:05,303 --> 00:03:08,005 I don't know who told you pouting was an option for you, 85 00:03:08,006 --> 00:03:09,806 but all you're making me feel right now 86 00:03:09,807 --> 00:03:13,844 is hatred of Renee Zellweger. 87 00:03:13,845 --> 00:03:16,730 Look, maybe you can bring on some students 88 00:03:16,731 --> 00:03:18,148 as security interns. 89 00:03:18,149 --> 00:03:19,433 I'll let you offer them a credit 90 00:03:19,434 --> 00:03:21,801 in safety or math or something. 91 00:03:21,802 --> 00:03:23,186 Thank you, sir. 92 00:03:23,187 --> 00:03:25,906 You won't regret this unless I rise up against you. 93 00:03:25,907 --> 00:03:28,775 I don't know why I said that. Bye. 94 00:03:28,776 --> 00:03:31,811 Huh! Tah! 95 00:03:31,812 --> 00:03:36,700 Zhou! Zeet! Dah! Toi! 96 00:03:37,702 --> 00:03:40,454 Jeff. Jeff! 97 00:03:40,455 --> 00:03:41,821 I looked it up. I was right. 98 00:03:41,822 --> 00:03:43,206 Oh, that thing about Danny Thomas? 99 00:03:43,207 --> 00:03:44,491 I looked it up too. Weird. 100 00:03:44,492 --> 00:03:46,326 No, those meds you're taking. 101 00:03:46,327 --> 00:03:48,995 Without anxiety to keep your vanity in check, 102 00:03:48,996 --> 00:03:52,599 you are vulnerable to a syndrome called hyper-narcissosis. 103 00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:55,135 Okay, look. This apple is your ego. 104 00:03:55,136 --> 00:03:58,171 Imagine it expanding to the point of critical mass, 105 00:03:58,172 --> 00:04:00,273 taking over your whole personality, 106 00:04:00,274 --> 00:04:03,226 making you an uncontrollable monster. 107 00:04:03,227 --> 00:04:05,312 Britta, how did an apple make that clear? 108 00:04:05,313 --> 00:04:06,613 Imagine it expanding? 109 00:04:06,614 --> 00:04:08,115 - Use a balloon. - I was on my way to lunch. 110 00:04:08,116 --> 00:04:09,849 Why are you trying to take this away from me? 111 00:04:09,850 --> 00:04:11,485 I like having no anxiety. 112 00:04:11,486 --> 00:04:12,619 I'm in harmony with the world. 113 00:04:12,620 --> 00:04:14,154 Looking good, Winger. 114 00:04:14,155 --> 00:04:15,906 Thank you, Leonard, for that compliment, 115 00:04:15,907 --> 00:04:18,358 and for your service to this country. 116 00:04:18,359 --> 00:04:20,193 I'm so confident now, I can pull things off 117 00:04:20,194 --> 00:04:21,661 I never dreamed possible. 118 00:04:21,662 --> 00:04:24,697 Look. Aviators. 119 00:04:24,698 --> 00:04:26,466 Final boarding call, beefcake airways. 120 00:04:26,467 --> 00:04:29,336 I'm warning you as your friend to get off of those meds. 121 00:04:29,337 --> 00:04:30,504 And until they're out of your system, 122 00:04:30,505 --> 00:04:32,372 stay away from flattering situations... 123 00:04:32,373 --> 00:04:35,542 weddings, soft lighting, formal wear, gay bars. 124 00:04:35,543 --> 00:04:37,043 And take those off! 125 00:04:37,044 --> 00:04:38,128 Because they make me look good? 126 00:04:38,129 --> 00:04:39,679 That's not relevant. 127 00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:41,681 Ah, welcome back, Jeffrey. How was your... 128 00:04:41,682 --> 00:04:43,216 Uhh... uhh... unh! 129 00:04:43,217 --> 00:04:44,568 [Gasping] 130 00:04:44,569 --> 00:04:46,886 Oh, my God! Even his shadow! 131 00:04:46,887 --> 00:04:49,022 Look at his shadow! 132 00:04:49,023 --> 00:04:52,359 [Gasps, spasms] 133 00:04:55,062 --> 00:04:57,030 Security internship available. 134 00:04:57,031 --> 00:04:59,499 Come on, see the world. 135 00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:01,668 Well, you won't see the world, but come on! 136 00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:05,789 - Hey, Nadir. - Oh, hey, Vinnie. 137 00:05:05,790 --> 00:05:07,591 Vinnie's the owner of the doppelgang, 138 00:05:07,592 --> 00:05:08,959 the celebrity impersonator service I use. 139 00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:10,043 You look familiar. 140 00:05:10,044 --> 00:05:12,129 That's how we all get started in this racket. 141 00:05:12,130 --> 00:05:13,764 But at a certain point, if you're smart, 142 00:05:13,765 --> 00:05:16,099 you move up to management before the gold mine 143 00:05:16,100 --> 00:05:18,418 of resembling French Stewart runs dry. 144 00:05:18,419 --> 00:05:20,253 - Ah... - French Stewart... 145 00:05:20,254 --> 00:05:21,638 And speaking of gold mines, 146 00:05:21,639 --> 00:05:23,256 you owe me three grand, pal. 147 00:05:23,257 --> 00:05:24,357 Cool. Put it on my account. 148 00:05:24,358 --> 00:05:26,143 What do I look like, a sucker? 149 00:05:26,144 --> 00:05:27,427 French Stewart. But I don't have three grand. 150 00:05:27,428 --> 00:05:29,062 Well, you know what, you better get it. 151 00:05:29,063 --> 00:05:31,097 Because I'm gonna tell you something right now... 152 00:05:31,098 --> 00:05:33,433 Holy crap, you'd make an amazing Seacrest. 153 00:05:33,434 --> 00:05:34,734 Very kind. Thank you. 154 00:05:34,735 --> 00:05:37,621 You're actually a lot taller than Seacrest. 155 00:05:37,622 --> 00:05:39,706 You've actually got a sharper jaw too. 156 00:05:39,707 --> 00:05:41,541 You're actually more handsome than the guy 157 00:05:41,542 --> 00:05:42,576 that's famous for being handsome. 158 00:05:42,577 --> 00:05:45,245 [Grunts] Jeff? 159 00:05:48,115 --> 00:05:49,282 [Groans] 160 00:05:49,283 --> 00:05:53,587 You'll be okay. Just stay humble. 161 00:05:53,588 --> 00:05:55,422 You know what, maybe there's another option for you. 162 00:05:55,423 --> 00:05:57,424 I've got a big event saturday. 163 00:05:57,425 --> 00:05:59,292 Needs a lot of bodies, huh? 164 00:05:59,293 --> 00:06:01,761 And I see some high-value faces here. 165 00:06:01,762 --> 00:06:02,762 Got an Oprah. 166 00:06:02,763 --> 00:06:04,264 - Oh! - And sitting next to her 167 00:06:04,265 --> 00:06:06,483 is a Judy Garland or an Anne Hathaway. 168 00:06:06,484 --> 00:06:08,101 Add a few extra teeth. 169 00:06:08,102 --> 00:06:09,603 Wow, this is rare. 170 00:06:09,604 --> 00:06:12,772 Both versions of Michael Jackson. 171 00:06:12,773 --> 00:06:13,940 And you... 172 00:06:13,941 --> 00:06:15,058 - Fat Brando. - Burt Reynolds. 173 00:06:15,059 --> 00:06:16,243 - What? - What? 174 00:06:16,244 --> 00:06:17,244 - Fat Brando. - Burt Reynolds. 175 00:06:17,245 --> 00:06:18,245 - Whatever. - Whatever. 176 00:06:18,246 --> 00:06:20,247 Look, if you guys work this gig for me 177 00:06:20,248 --> 00:06:22,282 for six hours, we'll call it even. 178 00:06:22,283 --> 00:06:23,700 Sounds fun. 179 00:06:23,701 --> 00:06:26,152 Abed, Vinnie, can we have a minute to talk about this? 180 00:06:26,153 --> 00:06:27,754 Sure. Come on, Vinnie. The guy who makes the fish sticks 181 00:06:27,755 --> 00:06:29,005 looks just like Quincy Jones. 182 00:06:29,006 --> 00:06:30,123 - Get out. - Seriously. 183 00:06:30,124 --> 00:06:31,374 Guys, I'm sorry, 184 00:06:31,375 --> 00:06:32,959 but this is where we have to put our foot down. 185 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:34,261 Well, she has a point. 186 00:06:34,262 --> 00:06:36,463 Next time it'll be $10,000, and then $20,000, 187 00:06:36,464 --> 00:06:37,797 and then he'll hit rock bottom 188 00:06:37,798 --> 00:06:39,299 and have no one to turn to but Jesus. 189 00:06:39,300 --> 00:06:40,350 I say we let this play out. 190 00:06:40,351 --> 00:06:41,935 I'd love to help, 191 00:06:41,936 --> 00:06:43,687 but playing Ryan Seacrest at a big party 192 00:06:43,688 --> 00:06:45,555 may not be a safe situation for me. 193 00:06:45,556 --> 00:06:47,840 We could actually hurt Abed 194 00:06:47,841 --> 00:06:49,392 if every time he faces reality, 195 00:06:49,393 --> 00:06:51,611 we dress up and play make-believe to bail him out. 196 00:06:51,612 --> 00:06:53,613 Shame on you people. 197 00:06:53,614 --> 00:06:56,099 It's not our job to help Abed grow up. 198 00:06:56,100 --> 00:06:57,701 Abed doesn't need reality. 199 00:06:57,702 --> 00:07:00,120 Abed is a magical, elf-like man 200 00:07:00,121 --> 00:07:01,905 who makes us all more magical 201 00:07:01,906 --> 00:07:03,256 by being near us. 202 00:07:03,257 --> 00:07:05,075 Pierce, who came over in the middle of the night 203 00:07:05,076 --> 00:07:06,326 that time you forgot how to fart? 204 00:07:06,327 --> 00:07:07,694 - Abed. - Shirley... 205 00:07:07,695 --> 00:07:09,045 Who got you a DVD of Precious, 206 00:07:09,046 --> 00:07:10,747 based on the novel Push, by Sapphire, 207 00:07:10,748 --> 00:07:13,466 and a copy of the novel Push autographed by Sapphire? 208 00:07:13,467 --> 00:07:14,834 Abed. 209 00:07:14,835 --> 00:07:17,203 All we had was dumb reality before we met that man. 210 00:07:17,204 --> 00:07:19,389 And he's made all of our lives better than reality. 211 00:07:19,390 --> 00:07:20,840 Now it becomes a little inconvenient, 212 00:07:20,841 --> 00:07:23,176 and it's time to get real? 213 00:07:23,177 --> 00:07:25,312 For shame! 214 00:07:25,313 --> 00:07:28,014 He's right. Sorry, Troy. 215 00:07:28,015 --> 00:07:29,382 Hey, guys. 216 00:07:29,383 --> 00:07:31,835 Abed, we would be happy to help you out. 217 00:07:31,836 --> 00:07:33,353 It'll be a good time. 218 00:07:33,354 --> 00:07:35,054 - Cool. Cool, cool, cool. - Cool. 219 00:07:35,055 --> 00:07:37,157 - Oprah. - Oh, thank you. 220 00:07:37,158 --> 00:07:38,408 - See ya, Vin. - Fat Brando. 221 00:07:38,409 --> 00:07:41,661 - Burt Reynolds. - Yeah. 222 00:07:41,662 --> 00:07:43,363 Thanks for being flexible. This'll be fun. 223 00:07:43,364 --> 00:07:45,749 Fun. Yeah, sure. But here's the deal. 224 00:07:45,750 --> 00:07:47,751 Um, if you guys mess this up, 225 00:07:47,752 --> 00:07:49,953 then his debt is overdue. 226 00:07:49,954 --> 00:07:52,071 And I don't send another bill. 227 00:07:52,072 --> 00:07:54,507 No, I send two guys that look a lot 228 00:07:54,508 --> 00:07:56,793 like Ving Rhames and Michael Chiklis. 229 00:07:56,794 --> 00:07:59,245 And they do a very convincing impression 230 00:07:59,246 --> 00:08:02,515 of breaking your friend's legs. 231 00:08:02,516 --> 00:08:05,602 Their secret is... They actually break them. 232 00:08:13,482 --> 00:08:14,678 All right, impersonators, 233 00:08:14,679 --> 00:08:17,484 our guest of honor is one Howie Schwartz, 234 00:08:17,485 --> 00:08:18,446 who, according to the Talmud, 235 00:08:18,447 --> 00:08:21,116 just became a man. But I have to say, 236 00:08:21,117 --> 00:08:22,801 I wouldn't want him next to me in a foxhole. 237 00:08:22,802 --> 00:08:24,570 - Ha! - Ground rules... 238 00:08:24,571 --> 00:08:26,805 Do stay in your assigned quadrants 239 00:08:26,806 --> 00:08:28,974 quoting lines from movies you are positive 240 00:08:28,975 --> 00:08:30,959 that your impersonatee was in. 241 00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:33,228 Do not leave your quadrant, 242 00:08:33,229 --> 00:08:35,463 burp, fart, cough, hiccup, or cuss. 243 00:08:35,464 --> 00:08:37,632 The obvious exception being James, 244 00:08:37,633 --> 00:08:38,800 our resident Walter Matthau. 245 00:08:38,801 --> 00:08:40,102 How you doing, Jimmy? [Belches] 246 00:08:40,103 --> 00:08:42,437 Aw, you give 'em hell. All right, let's go. 247 00:08:42,438 --> 00:08:46,474 - All my life I has to fight. - Ready to tangle. 248 00:08:46,475 --> 00:08:48,610 Handsome Seacrest, I need you in this tux. 249 00:08:48,611 --> 00:08:50,245 Jeff, do not wear that. 250 00:08:50,246 --> 00:08:52,480 Aw, zip it, white Jacko. 251 00:08:52,481 --> 00:08:55,250 Don't worry, that thing in the cafeteria freaked me out, 252 00:08:55,251 --> 00:08:57,369 so I talked to my shrink, and she doubled my dosage. 253 00:08:57,370 --> 00:08:59,288 What? Jeff, that's insane! 254 00:08:59,289 --> 00:09:01,456 I thought so too, but after I took that extra pill, 255 00:09:01,457 --> 00:09:03,258 it seemed like a great idea. 256 00:09:03,259 --> 00:09:05,844 - Jeff, put it on. Go. - No, Jeff! 257 00:09:05,845 --> 00:09:07,129 Britta, stop arguing. 258 00:09:07,130 --> 00:09:08,430 If you have anything else to say, 259 00:09:08,431 --> 00:09:10,382 say it in a high-pitched voice while walking backwards. 260 00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:11,833 [High-pitched voice] Jeff is in grave danger. 261 00:09:11,834 --> 00:09:13,101 Hee-hee! 262 00:09:15,605 --> 00:09:17,439 Uh, may I help you? 263 00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:19,941 I'm one of the impersonators. 264 00:09:19,942 --> 00:09:24,363 - Which one? - Do I have to say it? 265 00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:25,981 Burt Reynolds. 266 00:09:25,982 --> 00:09:28,233 Uh, yeah, I don't believe anybody hired you 267 00:09:28,234 --> 00:09:29,517 to impersonate Burt Reynolds. 268 00:09:29,518 --> 00:09:31,653 - Why not? - Do I have to say it? 269 00:09:44,133 --> 00:09:46,351 - May I help you? - I'm Brando. 270 00:09:46,352 --> 00:09:48,587 Hmm... 271 00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:50,538 Could be under "fat." 272 00:09:50,539 --> 00:09:53,225 Ah. Oh. 273 00:09:53,226 --> 00:09:54,726 [Chuckles] Totally. 274 00:09:54,727 --> 00:09:58,180 Go on in. [Chuckles] 275 00:09:58,181 --> 00:09:59,848 Bam. 276 00:09:59,849 --> 00:10:01,983 Abed, get back to your station. 277 00:10:01,984 --> 00:10:03,235 I can't right now, I'm talking to Geena Davis. 278 00:10:03,236 --> 00:10:05,053 Abed, we have to do this right 279 00:10:05,054 --> 00:10:06,104 or Vinnie won't clear your debt. 280 00:10:06,105 --> 00:10:07,222 Troy, who cares about money? 281 00:10:07,223 --> 00:10:08,857 Look around. This is why we're alive. 282 00:10:08,858 --> 00:10:11,360 Ooh, fake Lorenzo Lamas. Let's go. 283 00:10:11,361 --> 00:10:15,647 I was so sad to hear of your passing. 284 00:10:15,648 --> 00:10:17,582 Me too. 285 00:10:17,583 --> 00:10:21,286 Sergeant Chang, what are you doing here? 286 00:10:21,287 --> 00:10:23,372 Hey, Annie. Just one of the perks 287 00:10:23,373 --> 00:10:24,539 when your brother's a rabbi. 288 00:10:24,540 --> 00:10:26,458 He throws me some private security gigs 289 00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:28,043 at the events he officiates. 290 00:10:28,044 --> 00:10:30,462 They can get really intense sometimes. 291 00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:33,915 Can you believe some jerk brought a scalpel to a bris? 292 00:10:33,916 --> 00:10:35,917 Now smile. 293 00:10:35,918 --> 00:10:38,804 Why is he out of his quadrant? 294 00:10:40,807 --> 00:10:42,924 [Fake voice] I'm Lorenzo Lamas. 295 00:10:42,925 --> 00:10:45,127 - He's reenacting a movie. - Please. 296 00:10:45,128 --> 00:10:46,445 What movie were Jamie Lee Curtis 297 00:10:46,446 --> 00:10:48,146 and Lorenzo Lamas in together? 298 00:10:48,147 --> 00:10:50,065 See, now I'm just embarrassed for you 299 00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:52,367 because you've never seen Lorenzo's Oil. 300 00:10:52,368 --> 00:10:54,986 Lorenzo is an oil tycoon that gets his address book switched 301 00:10:54,987 --> 00:10:57,605 with Jamie Lee Curtis', 302 00:10:57,606 --> 00:11:00,125 and they give each other piggyback rides. 303 00:11:00,126 --> 00:11:01,326 [Scoffs] 304 00:11:01,327 --> 00:11:02,944 I can't believe... did you go to college? 305 00:11:02,945 --> 00:11:05,247 Yes. No. 306 00:11:05,248 --> 00:11:06,448 Whatever. Keep working. 307 00:11:06,449 --> 00:11:09,434 [Rock music playing in background] 308 00:11:09,435 --> 00:11:13,505 ♪ 309 00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:17,225 Oh, my God. You are gorgeous! 310 00:11:17,226 --> 00:11:18,510 Would you look at this one. 311 00:11:18,511 --> 00:11:20,395 He's like a Robert Redford. 312 00:11:20,396 --> 00:11:23,348 No, no, more like a taller, hotter Ryan Seacrest. 313 00:11:23,349 --> 00:11:25,600 [Remembering] It's amazing, you're actually more handsome 314 00:11:25,601 --> 00:11:29,070 than the guy who's famous for being handsome. 315 00:11:33,576 --> 00:11:37,529 Skull Cracker 2000. Top of the line. 316 00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:40,148 - Who wants to hold it? - Me! 317 00:11:40,149 --> 00:11:42,817 - That's so cool. - Awesome. 318 00:11:42,818 --> 00:11:45,053 Dude, this is so sick. Check this out. 319 00:11:45,054 --> 00:11:47,655 [Pop, pop, pop] 320 00:11:49,842 --> 00:11:53,628 Any of you fine young men interested in a college credit? 321 00:11:53,629 --> 00:11:54,946 - Sure! - Right! 322 00:11:54,947 --> 00:11:56,381 [Chuckles] 323 00:12:01,337 --> 00:12:02,554 Look, man, if you have a request, 324 00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:04,456 not a real DJ, okay. These are just props. 325 00:12:04,457 --> 00:12:05,891 You look like a friend of mine. 326 00:12:05,892 --> 00:12:07,476 You're friends with Moby? 327 00:12:07,477 --> 00:12:10,745 [Pop, pop, pop, soldiers chanting] 328 00:12:10,746 --> 00:12:13,681 [Pop, pop, pop] 329 00:12:13,682 --> 00:12:16,684 [Bell chimes] 330 00:12:16,685 --> 00:12:19,821 ♪ 331 00:12:19,822 --> 00:12:22,290 - Jeff! - Oh! 332 00:12:22,291 --> 00:12:25,410 [Gasps] I haven't been dipped like that 333 00:12:25,411 --> 00:12:27,245 since my last divorce. 334 00:12:27,246 --> 00:12:29,030 Britta, you were right. 335 00:12:29,031 --> 00:12:31,533 I can feel my ego taking over. Do something! 336 00:12:31,534 --> 00:12:32,751 Okay, listen to me. 337 00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:35,387 You are not that big of a deal. Do you understand? 338 00:12:35,388 --> 00:12:36,871 You have bad posture. 339 00:12:36,872 --> 00:12:39,674 When you do to many push-ups, it looks like you have boobs. 340 00:12:39,675 --> 00:12:41,927 The tile in your bathroom is tacky. 341 00:12:41,928 --> 00:12:44,396 You were emotionally closed off in bed 342 00:12:44,397 --> 00:12:46,181 to the point where one time, I didn't come up 343 00:12:46,182 --> 00:12:48,767 because I couldn't find close enough parking. 344 00:12:48,768 --> 00:12:51,570 You have an unusually high butt crack. 345 00:12:51,571 --> 00:12:54,723 Thank you. 346 00:12:54,724 --> 00:12:56,441 It couldn't have been easy for you to lie like that. 347 00:12:56,442 --> 00:12:58,193 We are getting you out of here. 348 00:12:58,194 --> 00:13:00,395 Get back to your quadrant. Now! 349 00:13:00,396 --> 00:13:01,863 Britta! 350 00:13:01,864 --> 00:13:04,065 Honey, you were the highlight of the evening. 351 00:13:04,066 --> 00:13:07,836 If it were up to me, you'd win every single award. 352 00:13:07,837 --> 00:13:10,822 There's awards? 353 00:13:14,208 --> 00:13:16,367 Ladies and non-gentlemen, 354 00:13:16,368 --> 00:13:19,504 welcome to Howie Schwartz's Star Mitzvah Awards. 355 00:13:19,505 --> 00:13:21,089 Here to present the first award 356 00:13:21,090 --> 00:13:23,858 are fake Morgan Freeman and fake Bono. 357 00:13:23,859 --> 00:13:26,544 You know, fake Bono, algebra can be tough. 358 00:13:26,545 --> 00:13:28,212 It sure can, fake Morgan Freeman. 359 00:13:28,213 --> 00:13:29,847 And that's why it's so important 360 00:13:29,848 --> 00:13:32,100 to reward those to whom it comes so easily. 361 00:13:32,101 --> 00:13:36,387 The winner for best math student is... 362 00:13:36,388 --> 00:13:37,488 Howie Schwartz. 363 00:13:37,489 --> 00:13:41,909 [Applause] 364 00:13:44,163 --> 00:13:46,998 Wow, these things are heavy. [Laughter] 365 00:13:46,999 --> 00:13:50,368 The award for cleanest room goes to Howie Schwartz. 366 00:13:50,369 --> 00:13:51,502 [Applause] 367 00:13:51,503 --> 00:13:55,840 Coolest skateboard trick, Howie Schwartz! 368 00:13:55,841 --> 00:13:59,343 ♪ Howie Schwartz! 369 00:13:59,344 --> 00:14:01,963 [Applause] 370 00:14:01,964 --> 00:14:04,098 If you ask me, I think you're gonna win the award 371 00:14:04,099 --> 00:14:06,050 for most handsome young man. 372 00:14:06,051 --> 00:14:10,254 Nah. Oh, give me a break. It's his Bar Mitzvah. 373 00:14:10,255 --> 00:14:11,922 Jeff, I think that we should go. 374 00:14:11,923 --> 00:14:15,359 There's an award for most handsome young man! 375 00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:17,728 Hello, everyone. It is my honor and privilege 376 00:14:17,729 --> 00:14:20,898 as fake Oprah Winfrey to present the night's final award... 377 00:14:20,899 --> 00:14:22,750 most handsome young man. 378 00:14:22,751 --> 00:14:24,202 Aww... 379 00:14:24,203 --> 00:14:27,872 And the winner is... 380 00:14:27,873 --> 00:14:30,274 [Shouting] Howie Schwartz! 381 00:14:30,275 --> 00:14:33,277 Nooo! 382 00:14:37,082 --> 00:14:39,250 [Pained groan] 383 00:14:39,251 --> 00:14:42,053 [Jeff growling, people screaming] 384 00:14:42,054 --> 00:14:46,057 Aah! 385 00:14:47,893 --> 00:14:50,211 [Crowd booing] 386 00:14:50,212 --> 00:14:51,596 [Growling continues] 387 00:14:51,597 --> 00:14:55,149 Look at me! Look at meee! 388 00:14:55,150 --> 00:14:57,968 No, Jeffrey! Jeffrey... oh! 389 00:14:57,969 --> 00:14:59,187 Oh! [Crowd gasps] 390 00:14:59,188 --> 00:15:01,222 Oh, God, no! 391 00:15:01,223 --> 00:15:04,041 - What the hell? - You wanted it! 392 00:15:04,042 --> 00:15:06,744 You all want it! 393 00:15:06,745 --> 00:15:09,247 Aahhh-ha-ha-ha! 394 00:15:09,248 --> 00:15:12,483 Aaahh! [Boys shouting] 395 00:15:12,484 --> 00:15:13,918 - Rargh! - Aah! 396 00:15:13,919 --> 00:15:16,837 - Grr! - Ow! 397 00:15:16,838 --> 00:15:20,908 Ah! [Woman screams] 398 00:15:20,909 --> 00:15:23,427 Unh! Grr! Ha! 399 00:15:23,428 --> 00:15:25,329 [Growling continues] 400 00:15:25,330 --> 00:15:28,799 [People screaming] 401 00:15:31,470 --> 00:15:34,702 I love you, dad! I knew you'd invite the Hulk! 402 00:15:41,647 --> 00:15:45,182 You're lucky. And your friend's debt is paid. 403 00:15:45,183 --> 00:15:48,042 Hey, Jimmy, wait up. [Belches] 404 00:15:48,043 --> 00:15:51,088 [Dance music playing] 405 00:15:54,793 --> 00:15:57,295 Boogie Nights. 406 00:15:57,296 --> 00:16:01,832 You're fat Burt Reynolds, right? 407 00:16:01,833 --> 00:16:04,635 I'll take it. 408 00:16:11,760 --> 00:16:14,145 Abed, your leg! What'd they do? 409 00:16:14,146 --> 00:16:15,463 Tell me who they looked like! 410 00:16:15,464 --> 00:16:16,931 [A la Robin Williams] Doc, doc! Who's there? 411 00:16:16,932 --> 00:16:19,100 It's your femur bone. He needs some money. He's broke. 412 00:16:19,101 --> 00:16:21,352 Ha ha ha. Hey. [Abed chuckles] 413 00:16:21,353 --> 00:16:22,770 Laughter's the best medicine. 414 00:16:22,771 --> 00:16:25,156 What are... what are you doing? 415 00:16:25,157 --> 00:16:27,608 I'm challenging your entire medical establishment, sir. 416 00:16:27,609 --> 00:16:30,728 Not you. 417 00:16:30,729 --> 00:16:34,064 So we just spent our whole night paying off your debt, 418 00:16:34,065 --> 00:16:36,167 and you're blowing money on a Patch Adams? 419 00:16:36,168 --> 00:16:39,403 It's two for one. We're doing Popeye next. 420 00:16:39,404 --> 00:16:40,571 [A la Popeye] Ah-ga-ga-ga-ga. 421 00:16:40,572 --> 00:16:43,407 Get him some spinach. 422 00:16:43,408 --> 00:16:45,311 I'm Olive Oyl. 423 00:16:49,715 --> 00:16:52,099 Get out! 424 00:17:11,119 --> 00:17:14,205 Are you mad at me? 425 00:17:14,206 --> 00:17:16,607 - No. - Cool. 426 00:17:16,608 --> 00:17:17,591 I was gonna go in the Dreamatorium 427 00:17:17,592 --> 00:17:18,993 and play Inspector Spacetime. 428 00:17:18,994 --> 00:17:21,879 Have fun. 429 00:17:26,134 --> 00:17:28,969 - Abed. - Yeah? 430 00:17:28,970 --> 00:17:32,390 Come here. 431 00:17:38,163 --> 00:17:39,430 I am mad at you. 432 00:17:39,431 --> 00:17:41,132 You said you weren't. We never lie. 433 00:17:41,133 --> 00:17:42,733 - I know. - We made a deal. 434 00:17:42,734 --> 00:17:44,721 October 15, 2009. Friends don't lie to each other. 435 00:17:44,722 --> 00:17:46,971 I know! I lied. 436 00:17:46,972 --> 00:17:48,756 Because you don't like people who tell you what to do, 437 00:17:48,757 --> 00:17:50,057 and I don't want to be one of those people. 438 00:17:50,058 --> 00:17:51,609 - Then don't be. - I have to be. 439 00:17:51,610 --> 00:17:53,561 You have to stop renting celebrity impersonators. 440 00:17:53,562 --> 00:17:55,663 Vinnie was gonna break both of your legs. 441 00:17:55,664 --> 00:17:57,515 I had to work really hard to help you. 442 00:17:57,516 --> 00:17:58,499 But that's what you wanted to do. 443 00:17:58,500 --> 00:17:59,950 Yes. 444 00:17:59,951 --> 00:18:01,919 But I can't do what I want to do? 445 00:18:01,920 --> 00:18:03,287 I guess not. Not all the time. 446 00:18:03,288 --> 00:18:04,805 Sometimes you're just gonna have to trust 447 00:18:04,806 --> 00:18:07,141 - that I know better about stuff. - I don't know if I can do that. 448 00:18:07,142 --> 00:18:08,642 Then I guess you're gonna have to trust 449 00:18:08,643 --> 00:18:10,845 that you're gonna have to trust me. 450 00:18:13,148 --> 00:18:17,385 Well, I don't want to stop being your friend, so... 451 00:18:17,386 --> 00:18:21,338 I guess I'll let you tell me what to do sometimes. 452 00:18:21,339 --> 00:18:23,214 Still best friends? 453 00:18:23,215 --> 00:18:25,472 Yeah. 454 00:18:26,945 --> 00:18:29,012 Still best friends. Always. 455 00:18:29,013 --> 00:18:31,014 Cool. Cool, cool, cool. 456 00:18:31,015 --> 00:18:32,516 You still gonna go to the Dreamatorium? 457 00:18:32,517 --> 00:18:34,368 Oh, yeah, but I think I'm gonna play by myself right now, 458 00:18:34,369 --> 00:18:35,519 if that's okay. 459 00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:38,689 Cool. Okay. 460 00:18:38,690 --> 00:18:41,292 Cool. 461 00:18:41,293 --> 00:18:45,696 [The Lonely Man theme playing] 462 00:18:45,697 --> 00:18:47,581 Seacrest Hulk, you're the greatest! 463 00:18:47,582 --> 00:18:52,369 Whoo! You rock, Seacrest Hulk! 464 00:18:52,370 --> 00:18:54,138 [Horn honking] 465 00:18:54,139 --> 00:18:58,559 I love you, Seacrest Hulk! 466 00:18:58,560 --> 00:19:02,062 You know, Seacrest Hulk, you're a meshugeneh. 467 00:19:02,063 --> 00:19:04,882 [Car pulling up] 468 00:19:04,883 --> 00:19:08,018 [Horn tooting] 469 00:19:08,937 --> 00:19:12,039 [Engine shuts off] 470 00:19:17,729 --> 00:19:19,113 You okay? 471 00:19:19,114 --> 00:19:22,232 No. I ruined a Bar Mitzvah. 472 00:19:22,233 --> 00:19:23,400 I'm a bad person. 473 00:19:23,401 --> 00:19:25,336 What you're feeling is called shame. 474 00:19:25,337 --> 00:19:26,737 It means you're getting better. 475 00:19:26,738 --> 00:19:30,741 You're gonna be safe again once those pills wear off. 476 00:19:30,742 --> 00:19:33,928 Um, I was thinking... 477 00:19:33,929 --> 00:19:37,465 You know that person that you study for your psych class? 478 00:19:37,466 --> 00:19:39,750 Maybe that should be me. 479 00:19:39,751 --> 00:19:41,268 Uh-uh. No way. 480 00:19:41,269 --> 00:19:43,888 You are way out of my league, diagnostically speaking. 481 00:19:43,889 --> 00:19:46,140 I'm gonna go with someone a little less complicated. 482 00:19:46,141 --> 00:19:48,258 Like Abed. 483 00:19:48,259 --> 00:19:50,260 [Machinery whirring] 484 00:19:54,933 --> 00:19:58,602 [Spaceship engines rumbling] 485 00:20:05,911 --> 00:20:08,929 Hi, Abed. 486 00:20:10,966 --> 00:20:13,701 - Hi. - Where's Troy? 487 00:20:13,702 --> 00:20:15,636 In the other room. 488 00:20:15,637 --> 00:20:16,971 That's okay. There are many advantages 489 00:20:16,972 --> 00:20:18,189 of traveling by yourself. 490 00:20:18,190 --> 00:20:20,224 You can drive faster, change direction. 491 00:20:20,225 --> 00:20:21,926 And the only pee breaks are yours. 492 00:20:21,927 --> 00:20:26,096 - Are you real? - Are you? 493 00:20:26,097 --> 00:20:27,231 This is really crazy. 494 00:20:27,232 --> 00:20:28,599 And inaccessible, and maybe too dark. 495 00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:31,735 Maybe to them, but not to us. 496 00:20:31,736 --> 00:20:34,822 Cool. Cool, cool, cool. 497 00:20:34,823 --> 00:20:37,391 Hot. Hot, hot, hot. 498 00:20:37,392 --> 00:20:40,394 [Suspenseful music] 499 00:20:48,856 --> 00:20:51,874 [Military bugle fanfare] 500 00:21:05,158 --> 00:21:06,613 Gentlemen... 501 00:21:06,614 --> 00:21:09,345 Who's ready to chang the world? 502 00:21:09,346 --> 00:21:13,692 Chang! Chang! Chang! 503 00:21:13,693 --> 00:21:17,790 Chang! Chang! Chang! Chang! Chang! 504 00:21:17,791 --> 00:21:19,391 All hail Chang!