1
00:00:01,146 --> 00:00:04,915
- Hi, Pierce. Oh...
- Hi!
2
00:00:05,100 --> 00:00:07,462
Hi, Percival!
3
00:00:07,463 --> 00:00:09,438
- Hi.
- Hey.
4
00:00:10,002 --> 00:00:13,261
Happy New Year, you guys.
Do anything fun over break?
5
00:00:13,261 --> 00:00:14,678
Oh, baby Ben got to be
baby Jesus
6
00:00:14,706 --> 00:00:16,206
in our church's nativity play.
7
00:00:16,207 --> 00:00:18,575
Andre was Joseph, and Jordan
was one of the wise men,
8
00:00:18,576 --> 00:00:19,996
and I was in charge of casting.
9
00:00:19,997 --> 00:00:21,916
I digitized
my entire movie collection.
10
00:00:22,088 --> 00:00:23,530
Goodbye, VHS.
11
00:00:23,531 --> 00:00:26,383
Hello, SelectaVision
CED Videodisc.
12
00:00:26,383 --> 00:00:28,616
I'm very psyched
for the new semester.
13
00:00:28,670 --> 00:00:32,520
Or should I say...
Intro to Human Psyched.
14
00:00:32,521 --> 00:00:33,748
The worst.
15
00:00:33,748 --> 00:00:36,162
For our midterm,
we actually get to diagnose
16
00:00:36,227 --> 00:00:37,978
a fellow student
with something.
17
00:00:37,979 --> 00:00:39,713
Don't you do way too much
of that already?
18
00:00:39,714 --> 00:00:42,049
Accusational opposition
disorder.
19
00:00:42,050 --> 00:00:43,400
Hello.
20
00:00:43,401 --> 00:00:44,718
Whoa.
21
00:00:44,719 --> 00:00:46,520
It appears you've all noticed
that my swagger
22
00:00:46,521 --> 00:00:47,521
has a new swagger.
23
00:00:47,522 --> 00:00:48,739
I'll explain.
24
00:00:48,740 --> 00:00:50,440
Over break, I took the plunge
25
00:00:50,441 --> 00:00:51,858
and started seeing
a new shrink.
26
00:00:51,859 --> 00:00:53,160
What? Hello!
27
00:00:53,161 --> 00:00:55,762
Hello. Anyway,
I talked about my dad,
28
00:00:55,763 --> 00:00:57,030
punched a few pillows.
29
00:00:57,031 --> 00:00:59,833
And she put me on this
amazing anti-anxiety pill.
30
00:00:59,834 --> 00:01:02,402
It's really enhanced
my self-confidence.
31
00:01:02,403 --> 00:01:03,754
I explained that really well.
32
00:01:03,755 --> 00:01:06,673
Jeff, you can't be
on anti-anxiety meds.
33
00:01:06,674 --> 00:01:09,126
What little self-doubt you have
is the only thing
34
00:01:09,127 --> 00:01:10,910
keeping your ego penned in.
35
00:01:10,911 --> 00:01:13,447
You are a textbook narcissist.
36
00:01:13,448 --> 00:01:15,582
I'm an exceptional
narcissist, Britta.
37
00:01:15,583 --> 00:01:18,101
Oh, excuse me.
38
00:01:18,454 --> 00:01:19,758
I didn't kill my wife!
39
00:01:20,685 --> 00:01:23,154
I don't care.
40
00:01:28,908 --> 00:01:31,243
Stop that fugitive!
41
00:01:31,252 --> 00:01:32,719
I was wondering
how long it would take
44
00:01:35,436 --> 00:01:37,070
celebrity impersonators
from a service
45
00:01:37,071 --> 00:01:38,722
for his own personal use.
46
00:01:38,723 --> 00:01:40,661
He's been doing it...
a lot.
47
00:01:40,661 --> 00:01:41,744
He's not hurting anybody.
48
00:01:41,745 --> 00:01:43,273
He just likes
reenacting scenes from movies.
49
00:01:43,328 --> 00:01:44,779
It's unquestionably awesome.
50
00:01:44,780 --> 00:01:46,430
I question it.
He spent New Year's
51
00:01:46,497 --> 00:01:48,961
locked in our bathroom with
a bad Tom Hanks from cast away.
52
00:01:48,991 --> 00:01:50,083
Abed was the volleyball?
53
00:01:50,084 --> 00:01:51,995
- Well, that makes sense.
- You guys, focus!
54
00:01:52,053 --> 00:01:53,553
Where's he getting the money
for all this?
55
00:01:53,554 --> 00:01:55,639
Intervention.
Intervention. Intervention.
56
00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:57,641
No! You guys need
to stop intervening.
57
00:01:57,642 --> 00:01:59,459
You seriously have a problem.
58
00:01:59,460 --> 00:02:01,895
- I said I didn't kill my wife!
- I still don't care.
59
00:02:01,896 --> 00:02:03,397
Freeze!
60
00:02:04,965 --> 00:02:07,150
Chang, they're just acting!
61
00:02:07,151 --> 00:02:09,696
- Oh. Sorry.
- What was that?
62
00:02:09,697 --> 00:02:12,990
- Somebody call the cops!
- I've got a friend at the zoo.
63
00:02:12,991 --> 00:02:16,643
♪ Give me some rope,
time in a tree ♪
64
00:02:16,644 --> 00:02:19,979
♪ Give me the hope
to run out of steam ♪
65
00:02:19,980 --> 00:02:23,333
♪ Somebody said
we could be here ♪
66
00:02:23,334 --> 00:02:27,454
♪ We could be roped up,
tied up, dead in a year ♪
67
00:02:27,455 --> 00:02:32,425
♪ I can't count the reasons
I should stay ♪
68
00:02:32,426 --> 00:02:36,451
♪ One by one they all
just fade away ♪
69
00:02:36,451 --> 00:02:39,278
3.12 - Contemporary Impressionists
Sync and correction by Elderfel
www.addic7ed.com
70
00:02:39,278 --> 00:02:41,107
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
71
00:02:41,602 --> 00:02:44,170
What is this I hear
about a tranquilizer gun?
72
00:02:44,171 --> 00:02:46,023
If you had hit a small student,
73
00:02:46,024 --> 00:02:47,441
they could have died!
74
00:02:47,442 --> 00:02:48,625
I wouldn't do that.
75
00:02:48,626 --> 00:02:50,143
I have a heavy flashlight
for them.
76
00:02:50,144 --> 00:02:51,445
Oh, Ben!
77
00:02:51,446 --> 00:02:54,448
Look, I have to resort
to extreme measures.
78
00:02:54,449 --> 00:02:56,516
I'm a one-man army.
79
00:02:56,517 --> 00:02:58,017
You won't let me have
any guards.
80
00:02:58,018 --> 00:02:59,386
We're broke, Ben!
81
00:02:59,387 --> 00:03:01,088
We now get 80%
of our electricity
82
00:03:01,089 --> 00:03:03,957
from the apartment building
across the street.
83
00:03:05,577 --> 00:03:06,661
Okay...
84
00:03:06,711 --> 00:03:09,413
I don't know who told you
pouting was an option for you,
85
00:03:09,414 --> 00:03:11,214
but all you're making
me feel right now
86
00:03:11,215 --> 00:03:15,252
is hatred of Renee Zellweger.
87
00:03:15,253 --> 00:03:18,138
Look, maybe you can
bring on some students
88
00:03:18,139 --> 00:03:19,556
as security interns.
89
00:03:19,557 --> 00:03:20,841
I'll let you offer them
a credit
90
00:03:20,842 --> 00:03:23,209
in safety or math or something.
91
00:03:23,210 --> 00:03:24,594
Thank you, sir.
92
00:03:24,595 --> 00:03:27,314
You won't regret this
unless I rise up against you.
93
00:03:27,315 --> 00:03:30,183
I don't know why
I said that. Bye.
94
00:03:30,184 --> 00:03:33,219
Huh! Tah!
95
00:03:33,220 --> 00:03:38,108
Zhou! Zeet! Dah! Toi!
96
00:03:39,110 --> 00:03:41,862
Jeff. Jeff!
97
00:03:41,863 --> 00:03:43,229
I looked it up.
I was right.
98
00:03:43,230 --> 00:03:44,614
Oh, that thing
about Danny Thomas?
99
00:03:44,615 --> 00:03:45,899
I looked it up too.
Weird.
100
00:03:45,900 --> 00:03:47,734
No, those meds you're taking.
101
00:03:47,735 --> 00:03:50,403
Without anxiety to keep
your vanity in check,
102
00:03:50,404 --> 00:03:54,007
you are vulnerable to a syndrome
called hyper-narcissosis.
103
00:03:54,008 --> 00:03:56,543
Okay, look.
This apple is your ego.
104
00:03:56,544 --> 00:03:59,579
Imagine it expanding
to the point of critical mass,
105
00:03:59,580 --> 00:04:01,681
taking over
your whole personality,
106
00:04:01,682 --> 00:04:04,634
making you
an uncontrollable monster.
107
00:04:04,635 --> 00:04:06,720
Britta, how did an apple
make that clear?
108
00:04:06,721 --> 00:04:08,021
Imagine it expanding?
109
00:04:08,022 --> 00:04:09,523
- Use a balloon.
- I was on my way to lunch.
110
00:04:09,524 --> 00:04:11,257
Why are you trying
to take this away from me?
111
00:04:11,258 --> 00:04:12,893
I like having no anxiety.
112
00:04:12,894 --> 00:04:14,027
I'm in harmony with the world.
113
00:04:14,028 --> 00:04:15,562
Looking good, Winger.
114
00:04:15,563 --> 00:04:17,314
Thank you, Leonard,
for that compliment,
115
00:04:17,315 --> 00:04:19,766
and for your service
to this country.
116
00:04:19,767 --> 00:04:21,601
I'm so confident now,
I can pull things off
117
00:04:21,602 --> 00:04:23,069
I never dreamed possible.
118
00:04:23,070 --> 00:04:26,105
Look. Aviators.
119
00:04:26,106 --> 00:04:27,874
Final boarding call,
beefcake airways.
120
00:04:27,875 --> 00:04:30,744
I'm warning you as your friend
to get off of those meds.
121
00:04:30,745 --> 00:04:31,912
And until they're out
of your system,
122
00:04:31,913 --> 00:04:33,780
stay away from
flattering situations...
123
00:04:33,781 --> 00:04:36,950
weddings, soft lighting,
formal wear, gay bars.
124
00:04:36,951 --> 00:04:38,451
And take those off!
125
00:04:38,452 --> 00:04:39,536
Because they make me look good?
126
00:04:39,537 --> 00:04:41,087
That's not relevant.
127
00:04:41,088 --> 00:04:43,089
Ah, welcome back, Jeffrey.
How was your...
128
00:04:43,090 --> 00:04:44,624
Uhh... uhh... unh!
129
00:04:45,977 --> 00:04:48,294
Oh, my God!
Even his shadow!
130
00:04:48,295 --> 00:04:50,430
Look at his shadow!
131
00:04:56,470 --> 00:04:58,438
Security internship available.
132
00:04:58,439 --> 00:05:00,907
Come on, see the world.
133
00:05:00,908 --> 00:05:03,076
Well, you won't see the world,
but come on!
134
00:05:04,328 --> 00:05:07,197
- Hey, Nadir.
- Oh, hey, Vinnie.
135
00:05:07,198 --> 00:05:08,999
Vinnie's the owner
of the doppelgang,
136
00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:10,367
the celebrity impersonator
service I use.
137
00:05:10,368 --> 00:05:11,451
You look familiar.
138
00:05:11,452 --> 00:05:13,537
That's how we all get started
in this racket.
139
00:05:13,538 --> 00:05:15,172
But at a certain point,
if you're smart,
140
00:05:15,173 --> 00:05:17,507
you move up to management
before the gold mine
141
00:05:17,508 --> 00:05:19,826
of resembling French Stewart
runs dry.
142
00:05:19,827 --> 00:05:21,661
- Ah...
- French Stewart...
143
00:05:21,662 --> 00:05:23,046
And speaking of gold mines,
144
00:05:23,047 --> 00:05:24,664
you owe me three grand, pal.
145
00:05:24,665 --> 00:05:25,765
Cool.
Put it on my account.
146
00:05:25,766 --> 00:05:27,431
What do I look like, a sucker?
147
00:05:27,431 --> 00:05:28,805
French Stewart.
But I don't have three grand.
148
00:05:28,836 --> 00:05:30,470
Well, you know what,
you better get it.
149
00:05:30,471 --> 00:05:32,505
Because I'm gonna
tell you something right now...
150
00:05:32,506 --> 00:05:34,841
Holy crap, you'd make
an amazing Seacrest.
151
00:05:34,842 --> 00:05:36,142
Very kind.
Thank you.
152
00:05:36,143 --> 00:05:39,029
You're actually
a lot taller than Seacrest.
153
00:05:39,030 --> 00:05:41,114
You've actually got
a sharper jaw too.
154
00:05:41,115 --> 00:05:42,949
You're actually more handsome
than the guy
155
00:05:42,950 --> 00:05:43,984
that's famous
for being handsome.
156
00:05:43,985 --> 00:05:46,653
Jeff?
157
00:05:50,691 --> 00:05:54,995
You'll be okay.
Just stay humble.
158
00:05:54,996 --> 00:05:56,830
You know what, maybe
there's another option for you.
159
00:05:56,831 --> 00:05:58,832
I've got a big event saturday.
160
00:05:58,833 --> 00:06:00,700
Needs a lot of bodies, huh?
161
00:06:00,701 --> 00:06:03,169
And I see some
high-value faces here.
162
00:06:03,170 --> 00:06:04,170
Got an Oprah.
163
00:06:04,171 --> 00:06:05,672
- Oh!
- And sitting next to her
164
00:06:05,673 --> 00:06:07,891
is a Judy Garland
or an Anne Hathaway.
165
00:06:07,892 --> 00:06:09,509
Add a few extra teeth.
166
00:06:09,510 --> 00:06:11,011
Wow, this is rare.
167
00:06:11,012 --> 00:06:14,180
Both versions
of Michael Jackson.
168
00:06:14,181 --> 00:06:15,348
And you...
169
00:06:15,349 --> 00:06:16,466
- Fat Brando.
- Burt Reynolds.
170
00:06:16,467 --> 00:06:17,651
- What?
- What?
171
00:06:17,652 --> 00:06:18,652
- Fat Brando.
- Burt Reynolds.
172
00:06:18,653 --> 00:06:19,653
- Whatever.
- Whatever.
173
00:06:19,654 --> 00:06:21,655
Look, if you guys work
this gig for me
174
00:06:21,656 --> 00:06:23,690
for six hours,
we'll call it even.
175
00:06:23,691 --> 00:06:25,108
Sounds fun.
176
00:06:25,109 --> 00:06:27,560
Abed, Vinnie, can we have
a minute to talk about this?
177
00:06:27,561 --> 00:06:29,162
Sure. Come on, Vinnie. The guy
who makes the fish sticks
178
00:06:29,163 --> 00:06:30,413
looks just like Quincy Jones.
179
00:06:30,414 --> 00:06:31,531
- Get out.
- Seriously.
180
00:06:31,532 --> 00:06:32,782
Guys, I'm sorry,
181
00:06:32,783 --> 00:06:34,367
but this is where
we have to put our foot down.
182
00:06:34,368 --> 00:06:35,669
Well, she has a point.
183
00:06:35,670 --> 00:06:37,871
Next time it'll be $10,000,
and then $20,000,
184
00:06:37,872 --> 00:06:39,205
and then he'll hit rock bottom
185
00:06:39,206 --> 00:06:40,707
and have no one to turn to
but Jesus.
186
00:06:40,708 --> 00:06:41,758
I say we let this play out.
187
00:06:41,759 --> 00:06:43,343
I'd love to help,
188
00:06:43,344 --> 00:06:45,095
but playing Ryan Seacrest
at a big party
189
00:06:45,096 --> 00:06:46,963
may not be a safe
situation for me.
190
00:06:46,964 --> 00:06:49,248
We could actually hurt Abed
191
00:06:49,249 --> 00:06:50,800
if every time he faces reality,
192
00:06:50,801 --> 00:06:53,019
we dress up and play
make-believe to bail him out.
193
00:06:53,020 --> 00:06:55,021
Shame on you people.
194
00:06:55,022 --> 00:06:57,507
It's not our job
to help Abed grow up.
195
00:06:57,508 --> 00:06:59,109
Abed doesn't need reality.
196
00:06:59,110 --> 00:07:01,528
Abed is a magical,
elf-like man
197
00:07:01,529 --> 00:07:03,313
who makes us all more magical
198
00:07:03,314 --> 00:07:04,664
by being near us.
199
00:07:04,665 --> 00:07:06,483
Pierce, who came over
in the middle of the night
200
00:07:06,484 --> 00:07:07,734
that time you forgot how to
fart?
201
00:07:07,735 --> 00:07:09,102
- Abed.
- Shirley...
202
00:07:09,103 --> 00:07:10,453
Who got you a DVD of Precious,
203
00:07:10,454 --> 00:07:12,155
based on the novel Push,
by Sapphire,
204
00:07:12,156 --> 00:07:14,874
and a copy of the novel Push
autographed by Sapphire?
205
00:07:14,875 --> 00:07:16,242
Abed.
206
00:07:16,243 --> 00:07:18,611
All we had was dumb reality
before we met that man.
207
00:07:18,612 --> 00:07:20,797
And he's made all of our lives
better than reality.
208
00:07:20,798 --> 00:07:22,248
Now it becomes
a little inconvenient,
209
00:07:22,249 --> 00:07:24,584
and it's time to get real?
210
00:07:24,585 --> 00:07:26,720
For shame!
211
00:07:26,721 --> 00:07:29,422
He's right.
Sorry, Troy.
212
00:07:29,423 --> 00:07:30,790
Hey, guys.
213
00:07:30,791 --> 00:07:33,243
Abed, we would be happy
to help you out.
214
00:07:33,244 --> 00:07:34,761
It'll be a good time.
215
00:07:34,762 --> 00:07:36,462
- Cool. Cool, cool, cool.
- Cool.
216
00:07:36,463 --> 00:07:38,565
- Oprah.
- Oh, thank you.
217
00:07:38,566 --> 00:07:39,816
- See ya, Vin.
- Fat Brando.
218
00:07:39,817 --> 00:07:43,069
- Burt Reynolds.
- Yeah.
219
00:07:43,070 --> 00:07:44,771
Thanks for being flexible.
This'll be fun.
220
00:07:44,772 --> 00:07:47,157
Fun. Yeah, sure.
But here's the deal.
221
00:07:47,158 --> 00:07:49,159
Um, if you guys mess this up,
222
00:07:49,160 --> 00:07:51,361
then his debt is overdue.
223
00:07:51,362 --> 00:07:53,479
And I don't send another bill.
224
00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:55,915
No, I send two guys
that look a lot
225
00:07:55,916 --> 00:07:58,201
like Ving Rhames
and Michael Chiklis.
226
00:07:58,202 --> 00:08:00,653
And they do
a very convincing impression
227
00:08:00,654 --> 00:08:03,923
of breaking your friend's legs.
228
00:08:03,924 --> 00:08:07,010
Their secret is...
They actually break them.
229
00:08:15,625 --> 00:08:16,821
All right, impersonators,
230
00:08:16,822 --> 00:08:19,247
our guest of honor
is one Howie Schwartz,
231
00:08:19,247 --> 00:08:20,554
who, according to the Talmud,
232
00:08:20,572 --> 00:08:22,918
just became a man.
But I have to say,
233
00:08:22,918 --> 00:08:24,879
I wouldn't want him
next to me in a foxhole.
234
00:08:24,929 --> 00:08:26,697
- Ha!
- Ground rules...
235
00:08:26,714 --> 00:08:28,948
Do stay in your
assigned quadrants
236
00:08:28,949 --> 00:08:31,117
quoting lines from movies
you are positive
237
00:08:31,118 --> 00:08:33,102
that your impersonatee was in.
238
00:08:33,103 --> 00:08:35,371
Do not leave your quadrant,
239
00:08:35,372 --> 00:08:37,606
burp, fart, cough,
hiccup, or cuss.
240
00:08:37,607 --> 00:08:39,775
The obvious exception
being James,
241
00:08:39,776 --> 00:08:40,943
our resident Walter Matthau.
242
00:08:40,944 --> 00:08:42,245
How you doing, Jimmy?
243
00:08:42,246 --> 00:08:44,580
Aw, you give 'em hell.
All right, let's go.
244
00:08:44,581 --> 00:08:48,617
- All my life I has to fight.
- Ready to tangle.
245
00:08:48,618 --> 00:08:50,753
Handsome Seacrest,
I need you in this tux.
246
00:08:50,754 --> 00:08:52,388
Jeff, do not wear that.
247
00:08:52,389 --> 00:08:54,623
Aw, zip it, white Jacko.
248
00:08:54,624 --> 00:08:57,393
Don't worry, that thing
in the cafeteria freaked me out,
249
00:08:57,394 --> 00:08:59,512
so I talked to my shrink,
and she doubled my dosage.
250
00:08:59,513 --> 00:09:01,431
What?
Jeff, that's insane!
251
00:09:01,432 --> 00:09:03,599
I thought so too, but after
I took that extra pill,
252
00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:05,401
it seemed like a great idea.
253
00:09:05,402 --> 00:09:07,987
- Jeff, put it on. Go.
- No, Jeff!
254
00:09:07,988 --> 00:09:09,272
Britta, stop arguing.
255
00:09:09,273 --> 00:09:10,573
If you have anything else
to say,
256
00:09:10,574 --> 00:09:12,525
say it in a high-pitched voice
while walking backwards.
257
00:09:12,526 --> 00:09:14,148
Jeff is in grave danger.
258
00:09:14,148 --> 00:09:15,415
Hee-hee!
259
00:09:17,748 --> 00:09:19,582
Uh, may I help you?
260
00:09:19,583 --> 00:09:22,084
I'm one of the impersonators.
261
00:09:22,085 --> 00:09:26,506
- Which one?
- Do I have to say it?
262
00:09:26,507 --> 00:09:28,124
Burt Reynolds.
263
00:09:28,125 --> 00:09:30,376
Uh, yeah, I don't believe
anybody hired you
264
00:09:30,377 --> 00:09:31,660
to impersonate Burt Reynolds.
265
00:09:31,661 --> 00:09:33,796
- Why not?
- Do I have to say it?
266
00:09:46,276 --> 00:09:48,494
- May I help you?
- I'm Brando.
267
00:09:48,495 --> 00:09:50,730
Hmm...
268
00:09:50,731 --> 00:09:52,681
Could be under "fat."
269
00:09:52,682 --> 00:09:55,368
Ah. Oh.
270
00:09:55,369 --> 00:09:56,869
Totally.
271
00:09:56,870 --> 00:10:00,323
Go on in.
272
00:10:00,324 --> 00:10:01,991
Bam.
273
00:10:01,992 --> 00:10:03,801
Abed, get back to your station.
274
00:10:03,801 --> 00:10:05,578
I can't right now,
I'm talking to Geena Davis.
275
00:10:05,579 --> 00:10:07,135
Abed, we have to do this right
276
00:10:07,135 --> 00:10:08,185
or Vinnie won't clear
your debt.
277
00:10:08,248 --> 00:10:09,365
Troy, who cares about money?
278
00:10:09,366 --> 00:10:11,000
Look around.
This is why we're alive.
279
00:10:11,001 --> 00:10:13,503
Ooh, fake Lorenzo Lamas.
Let's go.
280
00:10:13,504 --> 00:10:17,790
I was so sad to hear
of your passing.
281
00:10:17,791 --> 00:10:19,725
Me too.
282
00:10:19,726 --> 00:10:23,429
Sergeant Chang,
what are you doing here?
283
00:10:23,430 --> 00:10:25,515
Hey, Annie.
Just one of the perks
284
00:10:25,516 --> 00:10:26,682
when your brother's a rabbi.
285
00:10:26,683 --> 00:10:28,601
He throws me some
private security gigs
286
00:10:28,602 --> 00:10:30,186
at the events he officiates.
287
00:10:30,187 --> 00:10:32,605
They can get really intense
sometimes.
288
00:10:32,606 --> 00:10:36,058
Can you believe some jerk
brought a scalpel to a bris?
289
00:10:36,059 --> 00:10:38,060
Now smile.
290
00:10:38,061 --> 00:10:40,947
Why is he out of his quadrant?
291
00:10:42,950 --> 00:10:45,067
I'm Lorenzo Lamas.
292
00:10:45,068 --> 00:10:47,270
- He's reenacting a movie.
- Please.
293
00:10:47,271 --> 00:10:48,588
What movie were
Jamie Lee Curtis
294
00:10:48,589 --> 00:10:50,289
and Lorenzo Lamas in together?
295
00:10:50,290 --> 00:10:52,208
See, now I'm just
embarrassed for you
296
00:10:52,209 --> 00:10:54,510
because you've never seen
Lorenzo's Oil.
297
00:10:54,511 --> 00:10:57,129
Lorenzo is an oil tycoon that
gets his address book switched
298
00:10:57,130 --> 00:10:59,748
with Jamie Lee Curtis',
299
00:10:59,749 --> 00:11:02,268
and they give each other
piggyback rides.
300
00:11:03,470 --> 00:11:05,087
I can't believe...
did you go to college?
301
00:11:05,088 --> 00:11:07,390
Yes. No.
302
00:11:07,391 --> 00:11:08,591
Whatever. Keep working.
303
00:11:15,649 --> 00:11:19,368
Oh, my God.
You are gorgeous!
304
00:11:19,369 --> 00:11:20,653
Would you look at this one.
305
00:11:20,654 --> 00:11:22,538
He's like a Robert Redford.
306
00:11:22,539 --> 00:11:25,491
No, no, more like a taller,
hotter Ryan Seacrest.
307
00:11:25,492 --> 00:11:27,743
It's amazing,
you're actually more handsome
308
00:11:27,744 --> 00:11:31,213
than the guy who's famous
for being handsome.
309
00:11:35,719 --> 00:11:39,672
Skull Cracker 2000.
Top of the line.
310
00:11:39,673 --> 00:11:42,291
- Who wants to hold it?
- Me!
311
00:11:42,292 --> 00:11:44,960
- That's so cool.
- Awesome.
312
00:11:44,961 --> 00:11:47,196
Dude, this is so sick.
Check this out.
313
00:11:51,985 --> 00:11:55,771
Any of you fine young men
interested in a college credit?
314
00:11:55,772 --> 00:11:57,089
- Sure!
- Right!
315
00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:04,697
Look, man,
if you have a request,
316
00:12:04,698 --> 00:12:06,599
not a real DJ, okay.
These are just props.
317
00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:08,034
You look like a friend of mine.
318
00:12:08,035 --> 00:12:09,619
You're friends with Moby?
319
00:12:21,965 --> 00:12:24,433
- Jeff!
- Oh!
320
00:12:24,434 --> 00:12:27,553
I haven't been dipped like that
321
00:12:27,554 --> 00:12:29,388
since my last divorce.
322
00:12:29,389 --> 00:12:31,173
Britta, you were right.
323
00:12:31,174 --> 00:12:33,676
I can feel my ego taking over.
Do something!
324
00:12:33,677 --> 00:12:34,894
Okay, listen to me.
325
00:12:34,895 --> 00:12:37,530
You are not that big of a deal.
Do you understand?
326
00:12:37,531 --> 00:12:39,014
You have bad posture.
327
00:12:39,015 --> 00:12:41,817
When you do to many push-ups,
it looks like you have boobs.
328
00:12:41,818 --> 00:12:44,070
The tile in your bathroom
is tacky.
329
00:12:44,071 --> 00:12:46,539
You were emotionally
closed off in bed
330
00:12:46,540 --> 00:12:48,324
to the point where
one time, I didn't come up
331
00:12:48,325 --> 00:12:50,910
because I couldn't find
close enough parking.
332
00:12:50,911 --> 00:12:53,713
You have an unusually high
butt crack.
333
00:12:53,714 --> 00:12:56,866
Thank you.
334
00:12:56,867 --> 00:12:58,584
It couldn't have been easy
for you to lie like that.
335
00:12:58,585 --> 00:13:00,336
We are getting you out of here.
336
00:13:00,337 --> 00:13:02,538
Get back to your quadrant.
Now!
337
00:13:02,539 --> 00:13:04,006
Britta!
338
00:13:04,007 --> 00:13:06,208
Honey, you were the highlight
of the evening.
339
00:13:06,209 --> 00:13:09,979
If it were up to me,
you'd win every single award.
340
00:13:09,980 --> 00:13:12,965
There's awards?
341
00:13:16,882 --> 00:13:19,041
Ladies and non-gentilemen,
342
00:13:19,042 --> 00:13:22,178
welcome to Howie Schwartz's
Star Mitzvah Awards.
343
00:13:22,179 --> 00:13:23,763
Here to present the first award
344
00:13:23,764 --> 00:13:26,532
are fake Morgan Freeman
and fake Bono.
345
00:13:26,533 --> 00:13:29,218
You know, fake Bono,
algebra can be tough.
346
00:13:29,219 --> 00:13:30,886
It sure can,
fake Morgan Freeman.
347
00:13:30,887 --> 00:13:32,521
And that's why
it's so important
348
00:13:32,522 --> 00:13:34,774
to reward those
to whom it comes so easily.
349
00:13:34,775 --> 00:13:39,061
The winner for
best math student is...
350
00:13:39,062 --> 00:13:40,162
Howie Schwartz.
351
00:13:46,837 --> 00:13:49,672
Wow, these things are heavy.
352
00:13:49,673 --> 00:13:53,042
The award for cleanest room
goes to Howie Schwartz.
353
00:13:54,177 --> 00:13:58,514
Coolest skateboard trick,
Howie Schwartz!
354
00:13:58,515 --> 00:14:02,017
Best Halo score...
Howie Schwartz!
355
00:14:04,638 --> 00:14:06,772
If you ask me, I think
you're gonna win the award
356
00:14:06,773 --> 00:14:08,724
for most handsome young man.
357
00:14:08,725 --> 00:14:12,928
Nah. Oh, give me a break.
It's his Bar Mitzvah.
358
00:14:12,929 --> 00:14:14,596
Jeff, I think
that we should go.
359
00:14:14,597 --> 00:14:18,033
There's an award
for most handsome young man!
360
00:14:18,034 --> 00:14:20,402
Hello, everyone.
It is my honor and privilege
361
00:14:20,403 --> 00:14:23,572
as fake Oprah Winfrey to present
the night's final award...
362
00:14:23,573 --> 00:14:25,424
most handsome young man.
363
00:14:25,425 --> 00:14:26,876
Aww...
364
00:14:26,877 --> 00:14:30,546
And the winner is...
365
00:14:30,547 --> 00:14:32,948
Howie Schwartz!
366
00:14:32,949 --> 00:14:35,951
Nooo!
367
00:14:44,728 --> 00:14:48,731
Aah!
368
00:14:54,271 --> 00:14:57,823
Look at me!
Look at meee!
369
00:14:57,824 --> 00:15:00,642
No, Jeffrey!
Jeffrey... oh!
370
00:15:00,643 --> 00:15:01,861
Oh!
371
00:15:01,862 --> 00:15:03,896
Oh, God, no!
372
00:15:03,897 --> 00:15:06,715
- What the hell?
- You wanted it!
373
00:15:06,716 --> 00:15:09,418
You all want it!
374
00:15:09,419 --> 00:15:11,921
Aahhh-ha-ha-ha!
375
00:15:11,922 --> 00:15:15,157
Aaahh!
376
00:15:15,158 --> 00:15:16,592
- Rargh!
- Aah!
377
00:15:16,593 --> 00:15:19,511
- Grr!
- Ow!
378
00:15:19,512 --> 00:15:23,582
Ah!
379
00:15:23,583 --> 00:15:26,101
Unh! Grr!
Ha!
380
00:15:34,144 --> 00:15:37,376
I love you, dad!
I knew you'd invite the Hulk!
381
00:15:44,321 --> 00:15:47,856
You're lucky.
And your friend's debt is paid.
382
00:15:47,857 --> 00:15:50,716
Hey, Jimmy, wait up.
383
00:15:57,467 --> 00:15:59,969
Boogie Nights.
384
00:15:59,970 --> 00:16:04,506
You're fat Burt Reynolds,
right?
385
00:16:04,507 --> 00:16:07,309
I'll take it.
386
00:16:14,434 --> 00:16:16,819
Abed, your leg!
What'd they do?
387
00:16:16,820 --> 00:16:18,137
Tell me who they looked like!
388
00:16:18,138 --> 00:16:19,605
Doc, doc! Who's there?
389
00:16:19,606 --> 00:16:21,774
It's your femur bone.
He needs some money. He's broke.
390
00:16:21,775 --> 00:16:24,026
Ha ha ha. Hey.
391
00:16:24,027 --> 00:16:25,444
Laughter's the best medicine.
392
00:16:25,445 --> 00:16:27,830
What are...
what are you doing?
393
00:16:27,831 --> 00:16:30,282
I'm challenging your entire
medical establishment, sir.
394
00:16:30,283 --> 00:16:33,402
Not you.
395
00:16:33,403 --> 00:16:36,738
So we just spent our whole night
paying off your debt,
396
00:16:36,739 --> 00:16:38,841
and you're blowing money
on a Patch Adams?
397
00:16:38,842 --> 00:16:42,077
It's two for one.
We're doing Popeye next.
398
00:16:42,078 --> 00:16:43,245
Ah-ga-ga-ga-ga.
399
00:16:43,246 --> 00:16:46,081
Get him some spinach.
400
00:16:46,082 --> 00:16:47,985
I'm Olive Oyl.
401
00:16:52,389 --> 00:16:54,773
Get out!
402
00:17:13,793 --> 00:17:16,879
Are you mad at me?
403
00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:19,281
- No.
- Cool.
404
00:17:19,282 --> 00:17:20,265
I was gonna go
in the Dreamatorium
405
00:17:20,266 --> 00:17:21,667
and play Inspector Spacetime.
406
00:17:21,668 --> 00:17:24,553
Have fun.
407
00:17:28,808 --> 00:17:31,643
- Abed.
- Yeah?
408
00:17:31,644 --> 00:17:35,064
Come here.
409
00:17:40,837 --> 00:17:42,104
I am mad at you.
410
00:17:42,105 --> 00:17:43,806
You said you weren't.
We never lie.
411
00:17:43,807 --> 00:17:45,407
- I know.
- We made a deal.
412
00:17:45,408 --> 00:17:47,395
October 15, 2009.
Friends don't lie to each other.
413
00:17:47,396 --> 00:17:49,645
I know! I lied.
414
00:17:49,646 --> 00:17:51,430
Because you don't like people
who tell you what to do,
415
00:17:51,431 --> 00:17:52,731
and I don't want to be
one of those people.
416
00:17:52,732 --> 00:17:54,283
- Then don't be.
- I have to be.
417
00:17:54,284 --> 00:17:56,235
You have to stop renting
celebrity impersonators.
418
00:17:56,236 --> 00:17:58,337
Vinnie was gonna break
both of your legs.
419
00:17:58,338 --> 00:18:00,189
I had to work really hard
to help you.
420
00:18:00,190 --> 00:18:01,173
But that's what you wanted
to do.
421
00:18:01,174 --> 00:18:02,624
Yes.
422
00:18:02,625 --> 00:18:04,593
But I can't do
what I want to do?
423
00:18:04,594 --> 00:18:05,961
I guess not.
Not all the time.
424
00:18:05,962 --> 00:18:07,479
Sometimes you're just
gonna have to trust
425
00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:09,815
- that I know better about stuff.
- I don't know if I can do that.
426
00:18:09,816 --> 00:18:11,316
Then I guess
you're gonna have to trust
427
00:18:11,317 --> 00:18:13,519
that you're gonna have
to trust me.
428
00:18:15,822 --> 00:18:20,059
Well, I don't want to stop
being your friend, so...
429
00:18:20,060 --> 00:18:24,012
I guess I'll let you
tell me what to do sometimes.
430
00:18:24,013 --> 00:18:25,888
Still best friends?
431
00:18:25,889 --> 00:18:28,146
Yeah.
432
00:18:29,619 --> 00:18:31,686
Still best friends.
Always.
433
00:18:31,687 --> 00:18:33,688
Cool.
Cool, cool, cool.
434
00:18:33,689 --> 00:18:35,190
You still gonna go
to the Dreamatorium?
435
00:18:35,191 --> 00:18:37,042
Oh, yeah, but I think I'm
gonna play by myself right now,
436
00:18:37,043 --> 00:18:38,193
if that's okay.
437
00:18:38,194 --> 00:18:41,363
Cool. Okay.
438
00:18:41,364 --> 00:18:43,966
Cool.
439
00:18:48,371 --> 00:18:50,255
Seacrest Hulk,
you're the greatest!
440
00:18:50,256 --> 00:18:55,043
Whoo!
You rock, Seacrest Hulk!
441
00:18:56,813 --> 00:19:01,233
I love you, Seacrest Hulk!
442
00:19:01,234 --> 00:19:04,736
You know, Seacrest Hulk,
you're a meshugeneh.
443
00:19:20,403 --> 00:19:21,787
You okay?
444
00:19:21,788 --> 00:19:24,906
No.
I ruined a Bar Mitzvah.
445
00:19:24,907 --> 00:19:26,074
I'm a bad person.
446
00:19:26,075 --> 00:19:28,010
What you're feeling
is called shame.
447
00:19:28,011 --> 00:19:29,411
It means you're getting better.
448
00:19:29,412 --> 00:19:33,415
You're gonna be safe again
once those pills wear off.
449
00:19:33,416 --> 00:19:36,602
Um, I was thinking...
450
00:19:36,603 --> 00:19:40,139
You know that person that you
study for your psych class?
451
00:19:40,140 --> 00:19:42,424
Maybe that should be me.
452
00:19:42,425 --> 00:19:43,942
Uh-uh. No way.
453
00:19:43,943 --> 00:19:46,562
You are way out of my league,
diagnostically speaking.
454
00:19:46,563 --> 00:19:48,814
I'm gonna go with someone
a little less complicated.
455
00:19:48,815 --> 00:19:50,932
Like Abed.
456
00:20:08,585 --> 00:20:11,603
Hi, Abed.
457
00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:16,375
- Hi.
- Where's Troy?
458
00:20:16,376 --> 00:20:18,310
In the other room.
459
00:20:18,311 --> 00:20:19,645
That's okay.
There are many advantages
460
00:20:19,646 --> 00:20:20,863
of traveling by yourself.
461
00:20:20,864 --> 00:20:22,898
You can drive faster,
change direction.
462
00:20:22,899 --> 00:20:24,600
And the only pee breaks
are yours.
463
00:20:24,601 --> 00:20:28,770
- Are you real?
- Are you?
464
00:20:28,771 --> 00:20:29,905
This is really crazy.
465
00:20:29,906 --> 00:20:31,273
And inaccessible,
and maybe too dark.
466
00:20:31,274 --> 00:20:34,409
Maybe to them, but not to us.
467
00:20:34,410 --> 00:20:37,496
Cool.
Cool, cool, cool.
468
00:20:37,497 --> 00:20:40,065
Hot.
Hot, hot, hot.
469
00:21:02,488 --> 00:21:03,943
Gentlemen...
470
00:21:03,944 --> 00:21:06,675
Who's ready to chang the world?
471
00:21:06,676 --> 00:21:11,022
Chang! Chang! Chang!
472
00:21:11,023 --> 00:21:15,120
Chang! Chang! Chang!
Chang! Chang!
473
00:21:15,121 --> 00:21:16,721
All hail Chang!