1
00:00:04,603 --> 00:00:07,123
Damn it!
2
00:00:07,157 --> 00:00:11,164
Put the teethy wrench on the
square thing and jiggle it left.
3
00:00:18,530 --> 00:00:21,651
Thanks... by the way, that
square thing is a Hampton bolt
4
00:00:21,685 --> 00:00:23,322
and what you just described
is a manacheck maneuver.
5
00:00:23,356 --> 00:00:25,893
Hey, I'm just here
for the tater tots.
6
00:00:27,748 --> 00:00:30,970
Look, I know you think you
made your mind up about plumbing
7
00:00:31,004 --> 00:00:32,573
and I respect that.
8
00:00:32,608 --> 00:00:34,244
But come to the third floor
men's room tomorrow
9
00:00:34,278 --> 00:00:35,479
any time after 3:00.
10
00:00:35,514 --> 00:00:36,815
Unclog one toilet with me
11
00:00:36,849 --> 00:00:38,519
and tell me
you don't feel something.
12
00:00:38,553 --> 00:00:40,489
And I'll never
bring it up again.
13
00:00:40,524 --> 00:00:42,442
All right...One toilet.
14
00:00:42,493 --> 00:00:44,279
If it will get you off my back.
15
00:00:45,733 --> 00:00:46,701
Abed, look.
16
00:00:46,735 --> 00:00:49,289
Cool, Stonehenge.
17
00:00:49,340 --> 00:00:52,746
Excuse me, are you Pierce
Hawthorne of Hawthorne Wipes?
18
00:00:52,780 --> 00:00:54,249
At your cervix.
19
00:00:54,267 --> 00:00:56,220
Oh, sorry, I thought
you were a lady.
20
00:00:56,254 --> 00:00:57,889
You can use that
cervix line if you want.
21
00:00:57,923 --> 00:00:59,141
I told you it was him.
22
00:00:59,194 --> 00:01:00,762
Would you mind signing this?
23
00:01:00,796 --> 00:01:02,064
He's a big fan.
24
00:01:02,098 --> 00:01:04,118
♪ I got a pocket
full of hawthornes ♪
25
00:01:04,152 --> 00:01:05,438
♪ pock-pocket full
of hawthornes ♪
26
00:01:05,472 --> 00:01:08,878
Okay, Randall, power down.
27
00:01:10,883 --> 00:01:12,051
What was that about?
28
00:01:12,085 --> 00:01:13,838
Fans of the product, I suppose.
29
00:01:13,889 --> 00:01:15,892
In the wipes business
we call them towel-heads.
30
00:01:15,926 --> 00:01:18,129
I'm just impressed you got
through a whole conversation
31
00:01:18,164 --> 00:01:20,434
with two gay men
without doing this.
32
00:01:20,468 --> 00:01:22,304
Wait...Those guys were--
33
00:01:22,322 --> 00:01:23,573
Mm-hmm.
34
00:01:23,608 --> 00:01:25,477
I assumed they were just
brothers or wealthy.
35
00:01:25,511 --> 00:01:27,196
Why do you think they
wanted your autograph?
36
00:01:27,249 --> 00:01:28,198
This might be why.
37
00:01:28,250 --> 00:01:29,552
♪ It's Friday night ♪
38
00:01:29,586 --> 00:01:31,756
♪ I'm putting on
my highest heels ♪
39
00:01:31,790 --> 00:01:33,125
♪ my shortest skirt ♪
40
00:01:33,159 --> 00:01:35,631
♪ my best device for
concealing my penis ♪
41
00:01:35,665 --> 00:01:37,635
♪ and I got everything I need ♪
44
00:01:40,674 --> 00:01:43,228
♪ got a pocket
full of hawthornes ♪
45
00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:45,816
♪ p-p-p-pocket full
of hawthornes ♪
46
00:01:45,850 --> 00:01:47,236
Oh, my God, Pierce,
47
00:01:47,288 --> 00:01:49,157
your moist towelettes
are a gay icon.
48
00:01:49,191 --> 00:01:51,828
What do Hawthorne wipes have
to do with the choice to be gay?
49
00:01:51,863 --> 00:01:53,932
Well, according to Wikipedia--
50
00:01:56,254 --> 00:01:58,842
Oh, my...Even Bruce Vilanch?
51
00:01:58,877 --> 00:02:00,145
Especially Bruce Vilanch.
52
00:02:00,179 --> 00:02:03,719
That is copyright infringement
and defamation.
53
00:02:03,737 --> 00:02:05,221
I'm going to sue
the pants off that lady.
54
00:02:05,256 --> 00:02:06,942
- I don't think that's a lady.
- And why do you
55
00:02:06,993 --> 00:02:08,528
want his pants off?
Shut up!
56
00:02:08,562 --> 00:02:10,632
I only wanted his pants off
when I thought he was a lady.
57
00:02:10,666 --> 00:02:11,634
So you were attracted to him?
58
00:02:11,668 --> 00:02:13,371
The only thing I'm attracted to
59
00:02:13,405 --> 00:02:16,577
is taking him to court
and eating his ass alive.
60
00:02:16,595 --> 00:02:17,963
- Ooh!
- That's not what I meant.
61
00:02:18,014 --> 00:02:19,800
Stop putting gay things
in my mouth.
62
00:02:22,022 --> 00:02:23,391
♪ I got a pocket
full of hawthornes ♪
63
00:02:24,794 --> 00:02:26,597
- ♪ Pocket full of hawthornes ♪
- It's catchy!
64
00:02:26,631 --> 00:02:37,244
Sync by Sp8ky
Corrected by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
65
00:02:53,417 --> 00:02:56,054
I hope Pierce doesn't really
sue that lady-man singer.
66
00:02:56,089 --> 00:02:57,290
His life must be hard enough
67
00:02:57,324 --> 00:02:59,127
having to sew pouches
in all his miniskirts.
68
00:02:59,162 --> 00:03:00,764
Yes, I'm always
nice to the gays.
69
00:03:00,799 --> 00:03:02,367
They may live
in defiance of God,
70
00:03:02,401 --> 00:03:04,137
but I'd die before
I let a woman touch my hair.
71
00:03:04,172 --> 00:03:05,456
Gay-oh!
72
00:03:05,491 --> 00:03:07,277
Hey, what's
going on with you bitches?
73
00:03:07,311 --> 00:03:10,683
Bitches is gay talk for friends.
74
00:03:10,717 --> 00:03:13,222
Did you sue Urbana
Champaign for his t-shirt?
75
00:03:13,256 --> 00:03:15,960
Not at all, I bought this.
I'm a fan.
76
00:03:15,994 --> 00:03:17,680
Also,
I'm a gay rights advocate.
77
00:03:17,731 --> 00:03:19,200
I think I can explain.
78
00:03:19,234 --> 00:03:21,605
Pierce's positrons have been
negatized, creating anti-Pierce.
79
00:03:21,639 --> 00:03:23,024
It happens all the time
inspector spacetime.
80
00:03:23,075 --> 00:03:25,345
Yeah, but anti-inspector
had a funny mustache
81
00:03:25,379 --> 00:03:27,049
and was kinda rapey.
82
00:03:27,083 --> 00:03:29,286
I don't think his positrons
have been negatized.
83
00:03:29,321 --> 00:03:30,689
That's exactly what
Constable Reggie said.
84
00:03:30,723 --> 00:03:33,561
No, I thought about it,
and I decided a man
85
00:03:33,596 --> 00:03:36,918
should not be judged by what he
does with a fellow man's butt.
86
00:03:36,969 --> 00:03:39,172
- Here's the kick.
- Plus since that song came out,
87
00:03:39,207 --> 00:03:41,394
Hawthorne Wipes sales
went up 7%.
88
00:03:41,428 --> 00:03:43,565
- And it's good.
- Yep, even had my own people
89
00:03:43,599 --> 00:03:46,821
mock up a design
for a new product line.
90
00:03:46,855 --> 00:03:48,323
Hawthorne Pride Wipes.
91
00:03:48,358 --> 00:03:50,779
They may cost more,
but they're gayer.
92
00:03:50,830 --> 00:03:52,698
And I'm gonna launch
these little babies
93
00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:54,602
at a big party
here at Greendale.
94
00:03:54,637 --> 00:03:57,141
Here's a flyer.
Ooh!
95
00:03:57,175 --> 00:04:00,114
Greendale's first annual...
gay bash.
96
00:04:00,148 --> 00:04:02,919
Wow, Pierce,
congratulations on meeting
97
00:04:02,953 --> 00:04:04,923
the minimum requirements
for open-mindedness.
98
00:04:04,957 --> 00:04:07,962
Yeah, I'm really proud of you.
You're growing as a person.
99
00:04:07,996 --> 00:04:09,365
Oh, good grief,
100
00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:11,135
he's not supporting gay people.
They're supporting him.
101
00:04:11,169 --> 00:04:12,572
If Mexicans were
buying his wipes,
102
00:04:12,606 --> 00:04:13,991
he would have
ridden in on a donkey.
103
00:04:14,042 --> 00:04:16,830
People earning respect with
money is the American way, Jeff.
104
00:04:16,881 --> 00:04:18,834
Not that my father
would have agreed.
105
00:04:18,885 --> 00:04:20,838
It took a federal
injunction to get him
106
00:04:20,889 --> 00:04:22,324
to sell these things
to the Italians.
107
00:04:22,358 --> 00:04:23,826
Oh, I see what's going on here!
108
00:04:23,860 --> 00:04:25,396
In my psych class
I'm learning about
109
00:04:25,431 --> 00:04:27,183
this thing called
the edible complex.
110
00:04:27,234 --> 00:04:29,338
All men have to
kill their fathers
111
00:04:29,372 --> 00:04:31,191
so they can do something
to their mothers.
112
00:04:31,242 --> 00:04:32,544
I haven't finished the chapter.
113
00:04:32,578 --> 00:04:33,946
What's that complex called
114
00:04:33,981 --> 00:04:35,333
where you're wrong
about everything?
115
00:04:35,367 --> 00:04:38,188
Huh, sarcasm from the man with
the mother of all daddy issues.
116
00:04:38,222 --> 00:04:39,691
Whoa, double diagnosis.
117
00:04:39,726 --> 00:04:41,829
Save some for all those
poor real doctors.
118
00:04:41,863 --> 00:04:44,016
Pierce, what type of cookies
do you want at the party?
119
00:04:44,051 --> 00:04:46,170
We have peanut butter
or chocolate chip.
120
00:04:46,188 --> 00:04:48,141
Rainbow, bitches.
121
00:04:48,175 --> 00:04:51,114
We can have peanut butter
or chocolate chip.
122
00:04:57,092 --> 00:04:58,060
Well?
123
00:04:58,094 --> 00:04:59,597
It's pretty great!
124
00:05:02,437 --> 00:05:04,440
Tight seal, good flow.
125
00:05:04,474 --> 00:05:06,076
Kid's pretty handy.
126
00:05:06,110 --> 00:05:08,347
You get the hell out of here!
127
00:05:08,381 --> 00:05:09,516
Go on!
128
00:05:14,410 --> 00:05:16,530
- Who was that?
- You listen to me.
129
00:05:16,564 --> 00:05:18,567
What you have is a gift.
130
00:05:18,601 --> 00:05:21,473
And some people are going to try
to take advantage of that gift.
131
00:05:21,507 --> 00:05:23,243
Promise me
you'll use it for good.
132
00:05:23,278 --> 00:05:24,763
All right, I promise.
133
00:05:24,797 --> 00:05:27,785
Good. Now, come with me
to the second floor.
134
00:05:27,820 --> 00:05:29,823
Somebody pooped in the sink.
135
00:05:33,280 --> 00:05:34,783
You know, we actually
have a lot in common.
136
00:05:34,817 --> 00:05:37,621
We hate lesbians,
we hate baggy pants,
137
00:05:37,656 --> 00:05:39,793
and I can't believe you guys
are all bears fans.
138
00:05:39,827 --> 00:05:41,512
- Super fans.
- Randall!
139
00:05:41,546 --> 00:05:43,883
Somebody take a picture.
Come on...
140
00:05:45,054 --> 00:05:46,555
Okay, now let's
take a silly one.
141
00:05:46,590 --> 00:05:50,363
- Okay, okay!
- All right.
142
00:05:50,397 --> 00:05:54,270
Piercinald Anastasia Hawthorne!
143
00:05:54,305 --> 00:05:55,305
Father.
144
00:05:58,647 --> 00:06:01,317
We need to talk, boy.
145
00:06:12,357 --> 00:06:13,775
Oh--
146
00:06:15,914 --> 00:06:17,950
Gentlemen.
147
00:06:17,984 --> 00:06:20,054
You are here tonight because
you have been selected
148
00:06:20,088 --> 00:06:22,091
as potential candidates
for the Greendale
149
00:06:22,126 --> 00:06:25,833
Air Conditioning Repair School.
150
00:06:25,867 --> 00:06:27,703
But why kidnap you?
151
00:06:27,737 --> 00:06:29,941
Why put a sack over your head
152
00:06:29,975 --> 00:06:32,445
and drag you here in
the middle of the night?
153
00:06:32,479 --> 00:06:36,253
Why is there an astronaut in
the corner making paninis?
154
00:06:36,287 --> 00:06:39,259
Simple, we don't want you
to tell anyone about this.
155
00:06:39,293 --> 00:06:42,799
And if you do, we don't
want them believing you.
156
00:06:42,833 --> 00:06:45,254
Isn't that right, Black Hitler?
157
00:06:45,305 --> 00:06:47,207
Your initiation...
158
00:06:47,242 --> 00:06:48,811
begins...
159
00:06:48,845 --> 00:06:50,313
now, gentlemen.
160
00:06:51,818 --> 00:06:53,353
Hey, guys,
I'm looking for Troy.
161
00:06:53,387 --> 00:06:54,856
Oh, he texted me.
He said he's fine,
162
00:06:54,890 --> 00:06:56,893
but he couldn't say where he is.
Oh, no, do you think
163
00:06:56,911 --> 00:06:59,198
he's been kidnapped?
Usually it's one of the parents,
164
00:06:59,232 --> 00:07:01,837
and it almost always
ends in murder-suicide.
165
00:07:01,871 --> 00:07:03,840
- Why are you smiling?
- I'm smiling?
166
00:07:03,874 --> 00:07:06,379
Well if you see him, tell him
Jerry's looking for him.
167
00:07:06,413 --> 00:07:08,716
So Jeff, what are you going
to wear to Pierce's gay party?
168
00:07:08,751 --> 00:07:10,420
- Nothing.
- Ooh, they'll love that.
169
00:07:10,438 --> 00:07:12,257
Ha ha.
I mean I'm not going.
170
00:07:12,275 --> 00:07:14,060
It's dumb and I can't believe
you guys are supporting it.
171
00:07:14,094 --> 00:07:16,281
Everybody, this is my father,
172
00:07:16,315 --> 00:07:17,801
Cornelius Hawthorne.
173
00:07:17,835 --> 00:07:19,672
Oh, I always assumed
your father was dead.
174
00:07:19,706 --> 00:07:21,141
Just mathematically.
175
00:07:21,175 --> 00:07:23,111
Well, mom liked to pretend
that was the case.
176
00:07:23,146 --> 00:07:24,247
These are your friends, Pierce?
177
00:07:24,281 --> 00:07:25,582
Hello.
178
00:07:25,616 --> 00:07:27,620
Minorities, jewesses,
179
00:07:27,654 --> 00:07:29,290
and the unseasonably tan?
180
00:07:29,325 --> 00:07:30,793
That is inappropriate!
181
00:07:30,827 --> 00:07:34,183
And maybe you'll give that more
weight since I'm "white".
182
00:07:34,234 --> 00:07:35,469
You've got a wide brow.
183
00:07:35,503 --> 00:07:37,173
What are you, Scandinavian?
184
00:07:37,207 --> 00:07:38,508
Yeah, Swedish.
185
00:07:38,543 --> 00:07:40,111
Swedish dogs.
186
00:07:40,145 --> 00:07:41,748
Your blood is tainted
by generations
187
00:07:41,782 --> 00:07:43,785
of race mixing with laplanders.
188
00:07:43,820 --> 00:07:45,756
You're basically Finns!
189
00:07:45,790 --> 00:07:47,893
Oh, my goodness, he's like
the Abed of racism.
190
00:07:47,928 --> 00:07:49,262
Okay, since no one's
willing to ask,
191
00:07:49,297 --> 00:07:50,398
what's going on with your hair?
192
00:07:50,432 --> 00:07:52,335
Ordinary toupee hair
is harvested
193
00:07:52,370 --> 00:07:54,339
from the heads of
the godless oriental.
194
00:07:54,374 --> 00:07:55,808
Solid ivory is the only way
195
00:07:55,843 --> 00:07:58,180
to be assured of
true follicular purity,
196
00:07:58,198 --> 00:08:00,718
while still identifying
myself as a man of means.
197
00:08:00,753 --> 00:08:04,526
I can excuse racism, but I
draw the line at animal cruelty.
198
00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:05,795
You can excuse racism?
199
00:08:05,829 --> 00:08:07,231
So what brings you here?
200
00:08:07,265 --> 00:08:08,934
I'm assuming it's not
for your son's party.
201
00:08:08,969 --> 00:08:11,607
Unless "segregationist mummy"
is a gay fetish I'm unaware of.
202
00:08:11,641 --> 00:08:14,596
Actually, uh, after
discussing with my father,
203
00:08:14,647 --> 00:08:16,232
the party's off,
204
00:08:16,266 --> 00:08:17,819
and we're canceling
pride wipes.
205
00:08:17,853 --> 00:08:19,238
Stand up straight, Piercinald,
206
00:08:19,272 --> 00:08:20,741
when talking
to the lower classes.
207
00:08:20,775 --> 00:08:22,361
Now if you'll excuse me,
I need to go find
208
00:08:22,395 --> 00:08:24,365
a half-decent ivory buffer
209
00:08:24,399 --> 00:08:27,337
in this two-horse town.
210
00:08:28,340 --> 00:08:30,710
Oh, the party's cancelled?
211
00:08:30,745 --> 00:08:31,979
I bought a cone bra.
212
00:08:32,014 --> 00:08:33,550
Piercinald, please tell me
you did not
213
00:08:33,584 --> 00:08:35,386
cancel your gay party
because of your father.
214
00:08:35,388 --> 00:08:37,390
It's a business decision, Jeff.
215
00:08:37,424 --> 00:08:40,362
I took a look at the numbers,
had someone explain them to me,
216
00:08:40,397 --> 00:08:42,116
and this is the way we're going.
217
00:08:42,151 --> 00:08:43,703
I thought you said
Pierce's idea was dumb?
218
00:08:43,737 --> 00:08:45,739
Well that's before it was
being oppressed by a--
219
00:08:45,775 --> 00:08:47,443
- A father?
- A homophobe!
220
00:08:47,461 --> 00:08:48,745
This isn't about fathers.
221
00:08:48,780 --> 00:08:50,783
This is about
a long-suffering community
222
00:08:50,817 --> 00:08:52,086
with a constitutional right
223
00:08:52,121 --> 00:08:54,190
to wipe whoever
and whatever they want.
224
00:08:54,225 --> 00:08:55,759
Well, if you like gay people
so much,
225
00:08:55,794 --> 00:08:57,480
why don't you marry them?!
226
00:08:57,514 --> 00:08:58,999
This is so edible.
227
00:08:59,033 --> 00:09:01,003
Britta, you are gonna
make a terrible therapist.
228
00:09:01,037 --> 00:09:02,773
And if you need to talk
to someone about that,
229
00:09:02,808 --> 00:09:03,942
I don't recommend you.
230
00:09:03,977 --> 00:09:05,813
Hmm, is that how your
dad talked to your mom?
231
00:09:05,847 --> 00:09:06,948
No, that's how
he talked to your mom.
232
00:09:06,982 --> 00:09:08,050
How does that make you feel?
233
00:09:08,085 --> 00:09:09,119
Shut up.
234
00:09:16,124 --> 00:09:18,660
Ah, Jeffrey!
235
00:09:18,695 --> 00:09:20,397
Ah, I was so sad
when Pierce said
236
00:09:20,431 --> 00:09:21,999
he was canceling the party.
237
00:09:22,034 --> 00:09:24,135
And I was so happy when you
said that it was back on.
238
00:09:24,153 --> 00:09:25,571
Yeah, he's real busy
with his dad,
239
00:09:25,606 --> 00:09:28,108
but I knew how much
it meant to him.
240
00:09:28,142 --> 00:09:29,527
I throw a pretty gay party,
huh?
241
00:09:29,578 --> 00:09:30,746
Yeah, it's great.
242
00:09:30,781 --> 00:09:32,082
I mean, if you're
into that kind of thing.
243
00:09:32,116 --> 00:09:33,617
Time to mingle.
244
00:09:35,621 --> 00:09:36,989
What the hell is this?
245
00:09:37,023 --> 00:09:38,875
The gay bash,
courtesy of Hawthorne Wipes.
246
00:09:38,926 --> 00:09:40,010
I cancelled this!
247
00:09:40,045 --> 00:09:41,228
And I uncancelled it.
248
00:09:41,264 --> 00:09:42,547
My dad's gonna disown me!
249
00:09:42,598 --> 00:09:44,834
Oh, no, then you'll be
free of him forever.
250
00:09:44,852 --> 00:09:47,004
You'll never have to cower at
the sound of his voice
251
00:09:47,022 --> 00:09:49,475
or shudder when
you see an elephant.
252
00:09:49,509 --> 00:09:50,694
You're welcome, Pierce.
253
00:09:50,728 --> 00:09:53,147
I just did what you
never had the guts to do.
254
00:09:53,182 --> 00:09:54,450
You know what?
Britta was right.
255
00:09:54,484 --> 00:09:55,617
You resent my father because
256
00:09:55,652 --> 00:09:57,203
you've got problems
with your own.
257
00:09:57,238 --> 00:09:58,956
After "Britta was right",
everything you said
258
00:09:58,990 --> 00:10:00,125
just sounded like a fog horn.
259
00:10:00,159 --> 00:10:02,361
Then have your big gay party.
260
00:10:02,396 --> 00:10:03,714
I'm out of here!
261
00:10:03,748 --> 00:10:05,500
Oh, come on, Pierce,
just have one drink.
262
00:10:05,534 --> 00:10:07,470
You're gonna want to
see the guest of honor.
263
00:10:07,504 --> 00:10:09,539
Pull the cord, fellas.
264
00:10:09,557 --> 00:10:15,431
Pierce, Pierce, Pierce!
265
00:10:15,483 --> 00:10:17,217
Well, maybe just one drink.
266
00:10:23,895 --> 00:10:24,946
Done.
267
00:10:29,938 --> 00:10:31,573
Mr. Barnes...
268
00:10:31,608 --> 00:10:33,342
Walk with me.
269
00:10:33,377 --> 00:10:35,246
Mr. Barnes,
air conditioning repair is
270
00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:37,482
an elite worldwide
family dating back
271
00:10:37,517 --> 00:10:39,852
to the very beginnings
of civilizations.
272
00:10:39,887 --> 00:10:41,688
Our predecessors were slaves,
273
00:10:41,723 --> 00:10:44,108
fanning the pharaohs
with palm fronds.
274
00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:45,778
Over time, we became expert
275
00:10:45,812 --> 00:10:47,597
at making our
superiors comfortable.
276
00:10:47,632 --> 00:10:49,200
We made it our business.
277
00:10:49,234 --> 00:10:54,325
And along the way, we learned
to make ourselves comfortable.
278
00:10:54,376 --> 00:10:57,245
No more palm fronds, Troy.
279
00:10:57,279 --> 00:11:00,584
Now we are the pharaohs.
280
00:11:01,954 --> 00:11:03,756
Breath print approved.
281
00:11:11,769 --> 00:11:13,370
Feel that?
282
00:11:13,405 --> 00:11:14,706
Actually, I don't feel--
283
00:11:14,740 --> 00:11:16,842
Precisely.
284
00:11:16,877 --> 00:11:18,712
Have you heard the expression
room temperature?
285
00:11:18,746 --> 00:11:19,713
Of course.
286
00:11:19,747 --> 00:11:21,917
This is the room!
287
00:11:21,952 --> 00:11:26,257
This is the
room temperature room.
288
00:11:28,261 --> 00:11:34,302
I-I can't tell where the air
ends and my skin begins.
289
00:11:34,337 --> 00:11:36,305
It's incredible.
That's what we do, Troy.
290
00:11:36,340 --> 00:11:39,394
Incredible, invisible,
inbelievable things.
291
00:11:39,445 --> 00:11:41,814
We're an unseen,
unknown, unvincible
292
00:11:41,848 --> 00:11:43,316
fraternity of craftsmen.
293
00:11:43,351 --> 00:11:47,756
Graduates of this school are
guaranteed lucrative employment
294
00:11:47,790 --> 00:11:49,158
for their entire lives.
295
00:11:49,192 --> 00:11:52,914
And I'm inviting you to join us.
296
00:11:52,965 --> 00:11:54,333
Will there always be paninis?
297
00:11:54,368 --> 00:11:58,006
There is one catch, Troy.
298
00:11:58,040 --> 00:12:00,476
Once you're in...
299
00:12:00,510 --> 00:12:02,312
You're in.
300
00:12:02,346 --> 00:12:04,783
Air conditioning repair
will be your life.
301
00:12:04,817 --> 00:12:09,023
A life of secrets you'll be
unable to share with outsiders.
302
00:12:09,057 --> 00:12:12,695
You will be an
air conditioning repairman
303
00:12:12,729 --> 00:12:15,098
and nothing else...
304
00:12:15,133 --> 00:12:17,836
Until the day you die.
305
00:12:20,458 --> 00:12:22,677
I don't expect you
to make a decision now.
306
00:12:25,449 --> 00:12:27,584
Take 24 hours.
307
00:12:29,188 --> 00:12:30,455
Cool.
308
00:12:30,489 --> 00:12:33,226
I can't feel my pants.
309
00:12:35,230 --> 00:12:37,900
Go Pierce, go Pierce,
it's your birthday!
310
00:12:37,934 --> 00:12:39,819
Well, congratulations,
you got Pierce
311
00:12:39,870 --> 00:12:43,075
to symbolically kill his father
by dancing to club music.
312
00:12:43,109 --> 00:12:45,211
You of all people
should be happy about this.
313
00:12:45,245 --> 00:12:47,381
Pierce is becoming
a more tolerant person,
314
00:12:47,416 --> 00:12:48,967
and it has nothing
to do with his father.
315
00:12:49,001 --> 00:12:50,319
Look at me now, dad!
316
00:12:50,354 --> 00:12:52,089
Yeah, look at me now, dad!
317
00:12:52,123 --> 00:12:54,993
Look at me now, dad!
318
00:12:55,028 --> 00:12:56,595
Look at me now, dad!
319
00:12:56,629 --> 00:12:58,849
- Hey, where you been?
- I'm not allowed to say.
320
00:12:58,900 --> 00:13:00,034
- Are you Superman?
- No.
321
00:13:00,068 --> 00:13:01,036
Would you tell me if you were?
322
00:13:01,070 --> 00:13:02,204
I'd tell everyone.
323
00:13:02,238 --> 00:13:03,689
I never understood
why he cared who knew.
324
00:13:03,741 --> 00:13:05,826
This is the hottest
party we've ever had.
325
00:13:05,860 --> 00:13:07,028
I know, it's pretty dope.
326
00:13:07,079 --> 00:13:08,831
No, I mean,
it's dangerously hot.
327
00:13:08,865 --> 00:13:10,200
Our air conditioning system
328
00:13:10,251 --> 00:13:11,869
wasn't built
for this gay a party.
329
00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:14,322
I'll take a look.
330
00:13:15,325 --> 00:13:17,160
- Tron?
- What's tron?
331
00:13:19,515 --> 00:13:21,134
Ooh!
332
00:13:21,168 --> 00:13:23,570
Man this party's
a real sausage fest.
333
00:13:25,357 --> 00:13:26,742
I knew it!
334
00:13:26,777 --> 00:13:29,613
- Knew what?
- Don't play dumb with me.
335
00:13:29,647 --> 00:13:31,349
What, did they promise you
the life of your dreams?
336
00:13:31,383 --> 00:13:32,684
You can have all that
as a plumber too,
337
00:13:32,719 --> 00:13:33,752
but without the pretense.
338
00:13:33,787 --> 00:13:34,988
Why do you hate them so much?
339
00:13:35,022 --> 00:13:36,490
Because they're elitist.
340
00:13:36,525 --> 00:13:37,959
They pump themselves up
to make everybody
341
00:13:37,994 --> 00:13:39,127
think that they're special.
342
00:13:39,162 --> 00:13:40,997
Because the truth is
they're not!
343
00:13:41,031 --> 00:13:42,399
I have a gift.
344
00:13:42,434 --> 00:13:44,569
I'm special.
I'm not a loser like you.
345
00:13:44,603 --> 00:13:46,739
I'm gonna eat Spaceman
paninis with Black Hitler,
346
00:13:46,773 --> 00:13:48,843
and there's nothing
you can do about it!
347
00:13:51,848 --> 00:13:53,750
Well, you really seem to be
enjoying yourself.
348
00:13:53,784 --> 00:13:56,955
I've gotta say, I don't know
why the word gay means dumb.
349
00:13:56,989 --> 00:13:58,941
These guys are
all right in my book.
350
00:13:58,992 --> 00:14:02,363
Pierce Hawthorne,
get your fine gay-lovin' ass
351
00:14:02,397 --> 00:14:04,450
up here and say something
to your fans.
352
00:14:04,501 --> 00:14:05,468
Come on!
353
00:14:08,106 --> 00:14:10,626
If I tell you something, will
you promise to keep it a secret?
354
00:14:10,677 --> 00:14:11,845
Secret handshake.
355
00:14:11,879 --> 00:14:13,097
Secret.
356
00:14:13,131 --> 00:14:14,682
Okay, I know I said
I can't talk to you
357
00:14:14,716 --> 00:14:16,468
about what's going on,
but I can talk to myself.
358
00:14:16,519 --> 00:14:17,937
Can you pretend to be me?
359
00:14:17,971 --> 00:14:20,090
I like football,
but also I don't--
360
00:14:20,108 --> 00:14:21,609
Perfect.
Okay, I can't choose between
361
00:14:21,644 --> 00:14:22,778
air conditioning and plumbing.
362
00:14:22,812 --> 00:14:24,430
I know, it's so hard, right?
363
00:14:24,448 --> 00:14:26,200
- Let's ask Abed.
- Now you be me.
364
00:14:26,235 --> 00:14:28,370
- What should I do, Abed?
- I don't know
365
00:14:28,404 --> 00:14:29,571
but Harrison Ford might know.
366
00:14:29,606 --> 00:14:30,957
Don't get cocky kid--
367
00:14:30,991 --> 00:14:32,543
Okay, this isn't working, okay?
Abed tell me what to do.
368
00:14:32,577 --> 00:14:33,995
I don't really see the dilemma.
369
00:14:34,046 --> 00:14:35,982
Plumbing and air conditioning
seem more or less identical.
370
00:14:36,016 --> 00:14:38,118
They're not--they couldn't
be more or less identical.
371
00:14:38,136 --> 00:14:40,455
Well, what do you
feel like doing?
372
00:14:40,489 --> 00:14:42,758
Honestly, I el like
watching TV with you.
373
00:14:42,793 --> 00:14:44,561
But they're making me choose,
and if I choose wrong
374
00:14:44,595 --> 00:14:46,347
it could screw up my whole life.
375
00:14:46,398 --> 00:14:47,900
If you really have to make
a decision,
376
00:14:47,934 --> 00:14:49,468
I say go with whatever
makes you the happiest.
377
00:14:49,486 --> 00:14:51,438
Because, again, they're
virtually the same thing.
378
00:14:51,472 --> 00:14:52,857
I think I know what I need to do.
379
00:14:52,909 --> 00:14:54,110
Don't get cocky, kid.
380
00:14:54,144 --> 00:14:55,545
All right, bitches!
381
00:14:56,814 --> 00:15:01,086
I just want to say
this whole thing...
382
00:15:03,992 --> 00:15:06,461
was a huge mistake.
383
00:15:06,495 --> 00:15:09,767
Uh, Hawthorne Wipes
is officially
384
00:15:09,801 --> 00:15:11,803
severing its ties
to the gay community.
385
00:15:11,837 --> 00:15:13,389
- Aw!
- What?
386
00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:15,192
Effective immediately,
it will return
387
00:15:15,226 --> 00:15:17,312
to being a straights-only
product.
388
00:15:17,346 --> 00:15:19,181
Boo!
389
00:15:24,824 --> 00:15:27,494
Ahhhhhh...
390
00:15:29,699 --> 00:15:32,335
Fake heart attack.
391
00:15:32,369 --> 00:15:33,920
I taught him
everything he knows.
392
00:15:33,972 --> 00:15:37,209
So, how long you guys
been on the force?
393
00:15:40,045 --> 00:15:41,081
Pierce!
394
00:15:41,569 --> 00:15:42,836
What the hell was that?
395
00:15:42,870 --> 00:15:44,436
- That was--
- That was my boy.
396
00:15:44,471 --> 00:15:46,739
Standing up for good old
Hawthorne values.
397
00:15:46,772 --> 00:15:49,107
All due respect, sir,
I have zero respect for you.
398
00:15:49,141 --> 00:15:51,541
- Typical Welsh nonsense.
- But father, I--
399
00:15:51,576 --> 00:15:52,976
Pierce, you really wanna
be like this guy?
400
00:15:53,011 --> 00:15:54,577
He's wearing
elephant bones on his head.
401
00:15:54,611 --> 00:15:57,479
He will be what I tell him
to be because I am his father!
402
00:15:59,915 --> 00:16:01,715
Listen up,
colonel crypt-keeper.
403
00:16:01,750 --> 00:16:04,267
I could live a million years and
I could spend every minute of it
404
00:16:04,301 --> 00:16:05,652
doing important things.
405
00:16:05,686 --> 00:16:06,769
But at the end of it all,
406
00:16:06,804 --> 00:16:08,136
I would have only lived
half a life
407
00:16:08,187 --> 00:16:09,921
if I had not raised a son.
408
00:16:09,956 --> 00:16:11,389
This was a gift
that was handed to you.
409
00:16:11,423 --> 00:16:12,923
You squandered it.
410
00:16:12,958 --> 00:16:14,808
And the reason you have
so much hatred in your heart
411
00:16:14,859 --> 00:16:16,226
is because you're
trying to fill a hole
412
00:16:16,260 --> 00:16:17,760
where your kid
was supposed to go.
413
00:16:17,778 --> 00:16:19,561
And now it's too late.
414
00:16:19,596 --> 00:16:22,263
Now you're just stomping around
trying to prove you exist.
415
00:16:22,281 --> 00:16:24,799
Well, mission accomplished.
416
00:16:24,832 --> 00:16:27,401
But here's a question
I'd like to pass on to you
417
00:16:27,435 --> 00:16:30,703
from every son of every
crap dad that ever lived.
418
00:16:30,737 --> 00:16:33,638
So what?
419
00:16:34,974 --> 00:16:36,740
I'm done with you.
420
00:16:36,774 --> 00:16:38,242
He's done with you.
421
00:16:38,276 --> 00:16:40,309
The world is done with you.
422
00:16:48,316 --> 00:16:50,450
Come on in.
He's a Hawthorne.
423
00:16:50,484 --> 00:16:51,818
This is what they do.
424
00:16:51,852 --> 00:16:53,085
He's faking.
425
00:17:04,194 --> 00:17:05,895
Pierce, listen,
I just want to say--
426
00:17:05,929 --> 00:17:08,430
Did you know that the Canadian
Mallard is the only water fowl
427
00:17:08,464 --> 00:17:10,597
that bites his father's head off
on the way out of the womb?
428
00:17:10,632 --> 00:17:12,966
- That is definitely not true.
- I don't know.
429
00:17:12,984 --> 00:17:15,568
I looked it up on
the "wackapeediah"
430
00:17:17,070 --> 00:17:23,640
Pierce, um, I just want
to say, you know...
431
00:17:23,674 --> 00:17:25,008
Sorry for killing your dad.
432
00:17:25,042 --> 00:17:26,409
Don't blame yourself.
433
00:17:26,444 --> 00:17:29,745
He bought a lot of his organs
from questionable sources.
434
00:17:29,779 --> 00:17:32,029
Oh, here, he wanted you
to have this.
435
00:17:32,081 --> 00:17:33,414
No Pierce, you should take it.
436
00:17:33,449 --> 00:17:34,581
Believe me, I'd love it.
437
00:17:34,615 --> 00:17:36,516
But the terms of his will
clearly state
438
00:17:36,551 --> 00:17:38,551
that whoever kills him
gets to keep it.
439
00:17:45,056 --> 00:17:46,323
Huh, I guess I'm up.
440
00:17:54,846 --> 00:17:56,797
"Father, I'll never forget
what you said to me
441
00:17:56,832 --> 00:17:59,566
"on my first day of school.
442
00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:00,834
'Comb your hair, you idiot.
443
00:18:00,868 --> 00:18:03,035
You look Greek.'
444
00:18:03,069 --> 00:18:04,536
"I'll never know
if that was true,
445
00:18:04,571 --> 00:18:09,005
"but I do know that I was too
scared to stand up for myself.
446
00:18:09,023 --> 00:18:12,108
"Well, I'm not scared of you
anymore because you're dead,
447
00:18:12,142 --> 00:18:14,076
"and I'm not.
448
00:18:14,111 --> 00:18:17,112
So, I win."
449
00:18:17,146 --> 00:18:18,679
And you can suck it.
450
00:18:18,697 --> 00:18:21,882
Dude just told
his dead dad to suck it.
451
00:18:21,916 --> 00:18:23,382
So edible.
452
00:18:23,417 --> 00:18:25,718
You're the worst.
453
00:18:44,415 --> 00:18:46,199
Your 24 hours has expired.
454
00:18:46,217 --> 00:18:47,833
I need an answer, Troy.
455
00:18:47,868 --> 00:18:49,535
Are you ready to join
the elite brotherhood
456
00:18:49,569 --> 00:18:51,469
of guys who
fix air conditioners?
457
00:18:51,504 --> 00:18:53,037
I'm sorry, Vice Dean Laybourne,
458
00:18:53,072 --> 00:18:56,073
but, I realize no one's
better than anyone else.
459
00:18:56,107 --> 00:18:58,040
I mean, some people
are better at sports and...
460
00:18:58,075 --> 00:19:00,909
And there are magicians, but...
461
00:19:00,943 --> 00:19:03,411
I was put on this earth
to do something else.
462
00:19:03,446 --> 00:19:05,279
So you're going to be what?
463
00:19:05,313 --> 00:19:06,680
A plumber?
464
00:19:06,715 --> 00:19:10,016
No, I'm not gonna be
a plumber either.
465
00:19:10,050 --> 00:19:12,651
Because they have
to deal with poop.
466
00:19:12,685 --> 00:19:15,019
My decision for now
is to watch TV with my friend.
467
00:19:15,053 --> 00:19:17,021
You're making
a huge mistake, son.
468
00:19:17,055 --> 00:19:20,257
That may be, sir.
But at least it's my mistake.
469
00:19:20,291 --> 00:19:22,024
It doesn't change
the fact that it's a mistake.
470
00:19:22,058 --> 00:19:24,692
Doesn't it?
471
00:19:24,727 --> 00:19:26,728
No, it doesn't.
472
00:19:34,701 --> 00:19:36,468
Sir, looks like there
was a malfunction
473
00:19:36,502 --> 00:19:37,769
in the cafeteria last night.
474
00:19:37,804 --> 00:19:41,438
The Amana 5000 had
a compound coil fracture.
475
00:19:41,473 --> 00:19:43,139
But it was fixed.
476
00:19:43,174 --> 00:19:45,641
Very funny.
477
00:19:45,675 --> 00:19:50,978
Not even I can fix a compound
coil fracture overnight.
478
00:19:51,013 --> 00:19:52,246
But he can.
479
00:19:52,264 --> 00:19:53,246
Constable Reggie.
480
00:19:53,281 --> 00:19:55,748
Inspector Spacetime.
481
00:19:55,766 --> 00:19:59,185
This isn't over, Troy Barnes.
482
00:19:59,219 --> 00:20:01,986
It's only just begun.
483
00:20:02,021 --> 00:20:03,604
You know what, I was wrong.
484
00:20:03,638 --> 00:20:05,272
I think you'll make
a very good therapist.
485
00:20:05,306 --> 00:20:06,922
And why is that?
486
00:20:06,940 --> 00:20:09,492
Well, you really nailed Pierce
in that whole oedipal thing.
487
00:20:09,526 --> 00:20:11,593
The guy's got some
serious father issues.
488
00:20:11,627 --> 00:20:14,562
Don't you think you may have
had some oedipal issues as well?
489
00:20:14,596 --> 00:20:15,830
Not really seeing
the connection.
490
00:20:15,864 --> 00:20:17,630
You literally killed a father.
491
00:20:17,665 --> 00:20:19,616
Yeah, well, not mine, dummy.
492
00:20:19,650 --> 00:20:20,649
Wow.
493
00:20:25,637 --> 00:20:28,605
Hey, Winger.
You going home alone?
494
00:20:28,623 --> 00:20:30,773
Gay.
495
00:20:34,267 --> 00:20:35,592
That was close,
Constable Reggie.
496
00:20:35,626 --> 00:20:37,700
I thought those blorgons
had us dead to rights.
497
00:20:37,734 --> 00:20:40,113
What on bitter earth do they
want from us, inspector?
498
00:20:40,148 --> 00:20:42,255
The question's not what they
want from us, constable.
499
00:20:42,290 --> 00:20:43,275
But when!
500
00:20:43,310 --> 00:20:45,740
Inspector, look out, blorgons!
501
00:20:45,774 --> 00:20:48,153
Eradicate!
Eradicate!
502
00:20:48,205 --> 00:20:50,652
Eradicate...Eradicate...
503
00:20:52,625 --> 00:20:54,494
Take that, blorgon scum.
504
00:20:54,529 --> 00:20:55,820
How old are you guys?
505
00:20:55,854 --> 00:20:58,675
The question isn't
how old we are...
506
00:20:58,710 --> 00:21:01,123
But when old we are!
507
00:21:03,164 --> 00:21:05,118
In your face, blorgonian!
508
00:21:05,153 --> 00:21:08,602
Pew, pew, pew, pew!
509
00:21:11,238 --> 00:21:13,651
'Sup, girl?
510
00:21:13,703 --> 00:21:15,335
How you livin'?
Pew!
511
00:21:15,355 --> 00:21:16,739
Sync by Sp8ky
Corrected by honeybunny
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