Teddy: Hi, Charlie, there you are.
Nine months old and look how cute you are.
- Yeah. - ( Charlie chattering )
And look how cute I am.
It's your big sister Teddy here,
and I'm making this video diary
to help you survive our...
special family.
Oh, hey. Looks like Dad taught you how to eat bananas.
Oh-ho!
Oh, and there's Mom,
looking lovelier than ever this morning.
Not in the mood.
Okay. I think you've had enough bananas.
So we're switching to sweet peas!
You're gonna love 'em. they're so yummy.s
Mmm!
Very smart. Always make Mommy try it first, okay?
Oh, and there's your older brother PJ
doing today's homework at the last minute as usual.
It's not today's homework.
This is yesterday's homework.
There's a chance you two will be
in high school together.
Oh, and there's Dad preparing for another day's work.
He kills bugs for a living.
Honey, come on. We've been through this.
I don't kill bugs.
I'm a pest control specialist.
Either way-- ( hacks )
So now you've met the whole family.
Forgetting somebody?
Gabe! No no no. I didn't forget about you.
I was just saving the best for last.
Charlie, that was your younger older brother Gabe.
You want to say something to Charlie?
You ruined my life.
Okay, so it's taking Gabe a little bit longer
to get used to you. You were kind of a surprise.
I thought surprises were supposed to be good.
And... cut.
OKAY, GANG, LISTEN UP.
I'M GOING BACK TO WORK TONIGHT AT THE HOSPITAL
FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE CHARLIE WAS BORN,
SO I WANT EVERYONE TO STAY AT HOME
- AND HELP DAD WITH THE BABY. - WAIT-- NO, MOM.
I'M NOT GONNA BE HERE TONIGHT.
- I HAVE A STUDY DATE AT THE LIBRARY. - ( groans )
DON'T YOU MEAN "STUDLY" DATE...
WITH SPENCER? ( mimics kissing )
OH, SAVE IT FOR YOUR PILLOW.
I'M SORRY, TEDDY, BUT YOU'RE JUST GONNA
- HAVE TO RESCHEDULE. - BUT, DAD--
- BOB! - UH, DAD'S NOT AVAILABLE RIGHT NOW.
MOM, DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY,
BUT WHY DID YOU GUYS HAVE TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY?
WELL, BECAUSE THREE KIDS WAS JUST TOO EASY.
THREE'S FOR QUITTERS. ( chuckles )
AND TEDDY, YOU KNOW BETTER THAN TO SCHEDULE
A STUDY DATE WITH A BOY I'VE NEVER MET.
COME ON. AS DAD, IT'S MY RESPONSIBILITY
TO KNOW EVERY DETAIL OF MY KIDS' LIVES.
OH YEAH?
WHAT SCHOOL DO I GO TO?
UM-- THE ONE NAMED AFTER THAT PRESIDENT.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'VE GOT TO DRIVE YOU KIDS TO SCHOOL.
- Teddy: LET'S GO. - WAIT, I HAVEN'T HAD BREAKFAST YET.
- COME ON, LET'S GO. - MOST IMPORTANT MEAL OF THE DAY--
- NEVER GOT IT. - LET'S GO!
- I'VE GOTTA GET YOU TO... ROOSEVELT? - LINCOLN.
GOT IT.
( rock music playing )
* DAY'S ALL BURNT TOAST
* RUNNING LATE, AND DAD SAYS *
* HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY LEFT SHOE? *
* I CLOSE MY EYES, TAKE A BITE *
* GRAB A RIDE, LAUGH OUT LOUD *
* THERE IT IS UP ON THE ROOF *
* I'VE BEEN THERE, I'VE SURVIVED *
* SO JUST TAKE MY ADVICE *
* HANG IN THERE, BABY, THINGS ARE CRAZY *
* BUT I KNOW YOUR FUTURE'S BRIGHT *
* HANG IN THERE, BABY
* THERE'S NO MAYBE
* EVERYTHING TURNS OUT ALL RIGHT *
* YOUR LIFE IS UP AND DOWN *
* BUT TRUST ME, IT COMES BACK AROUND *
* YOU'RE GONNA LOVE WHO YOU TURN OUT TO BE *
* HANG IN THERE, BABY.
BOB HONEY, I'M LEAVING FOR WORK!
OKAY, HONEY, HERE'S CHARLIE'S SCHEDULE.
IT TELLS YOU WHEN TO FEED HER,
WHEN TO CHANGE HER AND WHEN TO PUT HER DOWN.
SWEETHEART, WOULD YOU RELAX?
BIG DADDY'S GOT THIS ALL UNDER CONTROL.
OKAY, JUST BECAUSE THAT'S ON YOUR BARBECUE APRON
DOESN'T MAKE IT TRUE.
NOW IF CHARLIE GETS FUSSY, HER RUBBER DUCKY
WILL CALM HER DOWN.
THEY'RE ALL OVER THE PLACE. PLEASE BE CAREFUL--
- THEY'RE ALL OVER THE PLACE. - HONEY...
YOU SEEM TO FORGET I WAS FULLY INVOLVED
IN THE RAISING OF THREE KIDS.
OH, YEAH? WHEN'S MY BIRTHDAY?
- JULY 12th. - NOVEMBER 23rd.
GOT IT.
( gasps ) GOOD LUCK, CHARLIE.
- ( cooing ) - MWAH! BYE.
- ( chuckles ) BYE. - ( Charlie chattering )
- ( door closes ) - HEY, DAD?
- YEAH? - I HAVE A HOMEWORK QUESTION.
OKAY, FIRE AWAY.
CAN THE AVERAGE HUMAN LICK HIS OWN ARMPIT?
UM--
( muttering )
- YEAH. - THANKS.
SO WHAT WAS THAT, LIKE A SCIENCE QUESTION?
NOPE.
- ( doorbell rings ) - I'LL GET IT. I'LL GET IT.
NOBODY ELSE GET IT!
- HI. - HI.
HI!
I'M TEDDY'S DAD.
NICE TO MEET YOU, SIR.
UH, SPENCER AND I ARE STUDYING
- FOR OUR BIOLOGY TEST TOMORROW. - ARE YOU, NOW?
YES. YES, WE ARE, SO CAN EVERYONE PLEASE LEAVE?
NOT YOU.
- TEDDY. - YEAH?
I THOUGHT YOUR MOM SAID NO STUDY DATE.
YEAH, AT THE LIBRARY.
OH, RIGHT.
OKAY, SO THEN YOU'VE TALKED TO HER ABOUT THIS?
OF COURSE I DID.
I MEAN, I'M-- I'M PRETTY SURE I DID.
IT'S JUST I TALK TO SO MANY DIFFERENT PEOPLE
ABOUT SO MANY DIFFERENT THINGS.
WHY IS THERE A GIANT BUG IN YOUR HOUSE?
THAT, MY FRIEND,
IS THE JERUSALEM CRICKET,
BETTER KNOWN TO THE LAYMAN AS THE POTATO BUG.
- I'M AN EXTERMINATOR. - HERE WE GO.
HEY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY AD ON LOCAL CABLE--
"BOB'S BUGS BE GONE"?
YEAH, HOW DO WE MAKE BOB BE GONE?
OKAY. YOU'VE GOT HOMEWORK TO DO.
I'VE GOT A DIAPER TO CHANGE.
HERS-- NOT MINE.
( chuckles )
I AIN'T THAT OLD! ( laughing )
I'M GONNA BE UPSTAIRS.
- GABE-- OUT. - OKAY, FINE.
BUT WHEN'S THAT HOT GUY GETTING HERE?
OUT!
- KIDS. - YEAH.
OH MAN, I LEFT MY BOOK AT SCHOOL.
OH, THAT'S OKAY, WE CAN JUST SHARE MINE.
( giggles )
- IS THAT OKAY? - PERFECT.
GOOD,
'CAUSE I'M ALL ABOUT THE LEARNIN'.
- LET ME JUST GRAB A PENCIL. - OH YEAH, I MIGHT HAVE ONE.
( squirts )
( sighs ) I THINK I LEFT MY PENCILS AT SCHOOL.
ME TOO. ( blows )
( giggles )
PJ over amplifier: Ladies and gentlemen!
- PJ and the Vibe! - ( dissonant rock music blaring )
WOW, SOUNDS LIKE YOU LIVE RIGHT NEXT DOOR
TO THAT WEIRD P.J. KID.
HMM. YEAH, HE'S NOT NEXT DOOR.
HE'S DOWNSTAIRS...
AND HE'S MY BROTHER.
OH! OH, I'M-- I'M SORRY.
YEAH, ME TOO.
WAIT WAIT WAIT! STOP STOP!
EMMETT, YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO OPEN WITH THE DOWNBEAT.
DUDE, I'M PERCUSSION,
LET ME "PERCUSH"!
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, GUYS!
WHAT'S UP?
CAN YOU PLEASE TURN IT DOWN? WE'RE TRYING TO STUDY.
NO CAN DO, SIS. THERE'S ONLY ONE LEVEL IN ROCK 'N' ROLL.
- AND THAT IS LOUD! - ( guitar blaring )
WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA. I THINK WE CAN
- ACCOMMODATE YOUR LITTLE SISTER. - EXCUSE ME,
BUT THE BAND IS CALLED P.J. AND THE VIBE.
SO WHAT, THE VIBE DOESN'T GET A SAY?
I-- I'M THE VIBE. ( chuckles )
YEAH, I GOT THAT.
OH, SO YOU GOT MY VIBE, HUH?
I'M GONNA BE OVER HERE.
- TURN IT DOWN NOW. - YOU WILL NOT CENSOR MY ART.
I WILL NOT BE SILENT!
( dissonant electric guitar blaring )
- ( music stops ) - HEY!
IF I HAVE COME DOWN HERE AGAIN, THIS GETS PLUGGED IN SOMEWHERE ELSE.
OKAY?
( snickering ) YO, WHO'S SHE UP THERE STUDYING WITH ANYWAY?
IS THERE A SECOND FINE LADY IN THE HOUSE?
SOME GUY SHE'S TOTALLY INTO.
I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE'S CHEATING ON ME.
SHE'S NOT CHEATING ON YOU. SHE BARELY KNOWS YOU EXIST.
NO, SEE, OUR RELATIONSHIP IS JUST DEVELOPING SLOWLY.
- NO, THERE IS NO RELATIONSHIP. - YES, THERE IS.
- NO, IT'S ALL IN YOUR HEAD! - NO, IT'S NOT, 'CAUSE EVEN MY MOM KNOWS ABOUT IT.
NOW THEN, WHERE WERE WE?
( clears throat )
YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY, I THINK YOU WERE A LITTLE BIT CLOSER.
ALL RIGHT-- CELLULAR RESPIRATION.
( yawns )
- DO YOU MIND? - NOT AT ALL.
WHILE WE'RE AT IT--
- ( toy squeaks ) - ( R&B music playing )
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - OH! GABE!
- WHAT DO YOU WANT? - DINNER!
NOBODY'S FED ME ALL DAY!
AND I AM STILL PART OF THIS FAMILY, RIGHT?
THERE'S A HALF-EATEN SANDWICH IN THE FRIDGE. KNOCK YOURSELF OUT.
ALL RIGHT. NOW MY BROTHERS ARE ALL TAKEN CARE OF.
- GOOD. - AND THERE WILL BE NO MORE INTERRUPTIONS.
- Bob: TEDDY! - OH, GOD!
- WHAT DO YOU WANT?! - I NEED YOU TO WATCH THE BABY FOR A SEC!
- WHOA-HO-HO! - ( coos )
NO!
- OW! ( grunting ) - MMM!
- ( whimpers ) - ( sighs )
NOBODY TELLS MOM!
- COME HERE, CHARLIE. - ( Charlie chattering )
OH, YES.
- CHARLIE'S FINE. - OOH! BUT I'M NOT.
UH, TEDDY,
TELL P.J. TO FIRE UP THE BUG TRUCK,
I THINK I GOTTA GO TO THE HOSPITAL.
OH, AND TEDDY, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO WATCH THE BABY.
NO! OKAY.
RELAX, WE'LL BE AT THE HOSPITAL IN 10 MINUTES.
OKAY, JUST PLEASE PLEASE HURRY.
OH, WOW! MY BUTT IS ON FIRE!
THAT IS SO WEIRD!
LAST WEEK, EMMETT AND I WROTE A SONG
WITH THAT EXACT SAME TITLE.
THAT'S GREAT, SON. JUST PLEASE DON'T SING--
- * MY BUTT IS ON FIRE! - STOP IT.
* IT'S THE SIZE OF A TIRE! *
STOP IT!
- PUNCH BUGGY! - OW! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
COULD YOU DRIVE, PLEASE?!
- HEY, YOU WANT TO PLAY LICENSE PLATE GAME? - NO!
MICHIGAN.
( Teddy murmuring baby talk )
- MAYBE I SHOULD GO. - NO!
UM, SHE'S ALMOST DONE WITH BOTTLE
AND THEN SHE'LL GO RIGHT TO SLEEP.
THEN WE CAN STUDLY-- I MEAN STUDY.
NOW, UH, WHERE WERE WE?
- OKAY. - ( chattering )
- YEAH. - WHAT IS CELLULAR RESPIRATION?
THAT'S WHEN GLUCOSE AND OTHER COMPOUNDS
OXIDIZE TO PRODUCE CHEMICAL ENERGY,
- WATER AND CARBON DIOXIDE. - MM-HMM.
( Charlie passes gas )
( chatters )
ALSO KNOWN AS POOP.
OH, BOY.
HANG IN THERE, DAD.
WOW! WOW!
WOW! BUTT FIRE SPREADING.
- WHERE'S THE DOCTOR? - I'LL GO SEE.
OKAY, WAIT WAIT WAIT. WAIT. WAIT. WAIT.
WAIT. WAIT. WE DON'T WANT MOM TO KNOW WE'RE HERE, RIGHT?
SO PLEASE BE CAREFUL.
JUST TRY AND BLEND IN.
( snickers ) DAD, COME ON.
IT'S HARD FOR THIS TO BLEND IN.
JUST FIGURE SOMETHING OUT.
"FIGURE SOMETHING OUT."
AHA!
MOM!
YOU'RE THE DOCTOR?
YES.
I AM.
I AM DOCTOR...
SHH-- CHANDRASOOLEEWAN.
- ARE YOU INDIAN? - WE PREFER TO BE CALLED NATIVE AMERICAN.
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE A REAL DOCTOR?
YOU LOOK KINDA YOUNG.
( laughs ) YOU SOUND LIKE MY WIFE.
OKAY, UH--
WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM?
I HAVE A FISH HOOK IN MY LIP!
- HOW'D THIS HAPPEN? - MY DAD IS NOT A VERY GOOD FISHERMAN.
HEY, MINE'S NOT A VERY GOOD WALKING-DOWN-THE-STAIRS MAN.
OH--
I'M GUESSING YOU'RE A 97-POUNDER.
* HUSH, LITTLE BABY
* GO BEDDY-BYE
* TEDDY WANTS TO KISS A REALLY CUTE GUY. *
HOW'S IT GOING?
WELL, WE'RE GETTING THERE. ( chuckles )
( humming )
WELL WELL WELL. WHAT HAVE WE HERE?
EMMETT, WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?
WELL, I WAS LOOKING FOR THE KITCHEN,
BUT I SEEM TO HAVE STUMBLED UPON THE BALLROOM.
( phone ringing )
- HELLO? - Teddy, it's Mrs. Dabney from next door.
NO, I HAVE NOT SEEN YOUR CAT.
I'm calling about your brother; he's eating me out of house and home.
Gabe! Step away from the pie!
OKAY, I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
ALL RIGHT. SPENCER, I'LL BE BACK IN LIKE TWO MINUTES.
DON'T GO ANYWHERE. EMMETT, GO SOMEWHERE.
- SO WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING WITH MY GIRLFRIEND? - SHE'S NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
OKAY, MAYBE ME AND YOU NEED TO STEP OUTSIDE...
SO YOU CAN WALK ME TO MY BIKE.
( sighs )
YOU HERE TO GIVE ME MY SPONGE BATH?
- P.J.? - HEY, MOM.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M NOT DOING HERE--
GIVING SPONGE BATHS TO BIG HAIRY GUYS.
SO, MOM, WHAT'S-- WHAT'S THE HAPPS?
WHAT'S--
HEY, HONEY!
- BOB! - NICE WORK, SON.
OKAY, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
DAD FELL DOWN THE STAIRS AND BROKE HIS BUTT.
- YOU WEREN'T HOLDING THE BABY, WERE YOU? - UM, YES--
THEN NO, THEN YES AGAIN.
BOB, YOU PROMISED ME YOU WEREN'T GONNA DROP THIS ONE!
HONEY, LOOK, IT WAS JUST A LITTLE ACCIDENT.
OH, AND BY THE WAY, FOR THE RECORD-- AN AMAZING CATCH!
I KNEW THIS WAS A HUGE MISTAKE.
I NEVER SHOULD'VE GONE BACK TO WORK.
SWEETHEART, THIS IS ALL GONNA BE OKAY.
NO. NO, IT'S NOT.
IT'S TOO HARD. I CAN'T DO THIS.
I MEAN, WHAT MADE ME THINK I COULD GO BACK TO WORK FULL TIME
AND TAKE CARE OF FOUR KIDS?
( crying ) I'M A TERRIBLE MOTHER.
NO NO, YOU'RE NOT.
- LOOK, IF ANYTHING, I'M A HORRIBLE FATHER. - I KNOW!
WOULD YOU GUYS CHILL?
YOU'RE GREAT PARENTS.
TEDDY, GABE AND ME TURNED OUT PRETTY GOOD.
YEAH, COME ON.
WE'VE GOT TO BE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT.
I MEAN, HEY, LOOK AT THIS-- OUR SON'S A DOCTOR.
I'M SERIOUS. WITH BOTH OF US WORKING,
POOR LITTLE CHARLIE DOESN'T STAND A CHANCE.
COME ON, NO ONE'S GOING SOLO ON THIS.
ALL US KIDS ARE GONNA HELP OUT.
AND IF CHARLIE GETS A LITTLE MESSED UP ALONG THE WAY,
WE CAN ALL SHARE THE BLAME.
Nurse over P.A.: Dr. Chandrasooleewan to the operating room.
IT NEVER ENDS!
( Charlie coos )
GABE! ( snaps )
SORRY ABOUT THAT, MRS. DABNEY, BUT YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T HAVE LET HIM IN.
I DIDN'T LET HIM IN. HE CRAWLED THROUGH THE CAT DOOR.
GABE, IS THERE SOMETHING YOU WANT TO SAY TO MRS. DABNEY?
YEAH.
WHAT ARE YOU FIXING TOMORROW NIGHT?
THE CAT DOOR.
GONNA MAKE SURE IT'S LOCKED.
OKAY. I THINK WE'RE DONE HERE.
- GOOD NIGHT. - IT IS NOW.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - OH, SO NOW YOU'RE SUDDENLY
- INTERESTED IN ME? - GABE, YOU'RE MY LITTLE BROTHER.
I'VE NEVER BEEN INTERESTED IN YOU.
I'M KIDDING.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
EVER SINCE THE BABY ARRIVED,
EVERYONE'S BEEN IGNORING ME.
- ( coos ) - I FEEL LIKE I'M INVISIBLE.
I'M JUST THE LOSER MIDDLE KID...
LIKE YOU.
JUST BECAUSE I'M A MIDDLE KID DOESN'T MAKE ME A LOSER.
THEN WHAT DOES MAKE YOU A LOSER?
- ( Charlie giggles ) - I AM NOT A LOSER.
OKAY? AND I WAS A BABY ONCE.
AND THEN YOU CAME ALONG.
AND I WAS NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT.
BUT THEN YOU PEED ON P.J. AND I THOUGHT,
"HEY, GIVE THE KID A SHOT."
LOOK, SOMEDAY YOU'RE GONNA FEEL THE SAME WAY
ABOUT CHARLIE THAT I FEEL ABOUT YOU.
WELL, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT ME?
LET'S PUT IT THIS WAY--
THE HOTTEST GUY IN SCHOOL IS AT OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW,
AND I'M HERE WITH YOU.
LOOK HOW CUTE SHE IS.
( laughing )
I AM WARMING UP TO HER ALREADY!
OKAY, CHARLIE'S ASLEEP, GABE'S PLAYING A VIDEO GAME
AND WE ARE FINALLY ALONE.
HEY, EVERYBODY!
I HAVE A BRUISED COCCYX.
( laughs )
OH, COME ON!
THAT'S A FUNNY WORD.
COCCYX! ( laughing )
THE DOCTOR GAVE HIM PAIN MEDICATION.
- ( car horn beeps ) - WHOA!
WAS THAT ME? SORRY.
I'M A LITTLE NUMB DOWN THERE.
UH, ACTUALLY, THAT'S MY RIDE.
OF COURSE IT IS.
IT'S GOOD TO MEET YOU, SON.
OH, GOOD NIGHT, SWEETHEART.
GOOD NIGHT, SIR.
HMM.
( car horn blares )
- GOOD NIGHT. - GOOD NIGHT.
Bob: COCCYX!
So that's how Dad got my first kiss
and how you flew for the first time.
But the good news is--
nah, there is no good news.
( phone chimes )
I take that back! It's a text from Spencer!
He wants to hang out with me tomorrow night--
at his house! ( giggling )
Oh! I've gotta go wash your puke out of my jacket.
Oh, and, uh, one more thing--
when you're my age and you meet a cute boy,
do not, under any circumstances,
ever ever bring him home.
'Cause if you do, well--
( snickers ) good luck, Charlie.
( moaning ) OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR DOING THIS.
HEY, IF I CAN'T BE THERE FOR MY PATIENTS,
WHAT KIND OF PRETEND DOCTOR AM I?
SO, UH, DO YOU EVER THINK ABOUT SHAVING--
LIKE, EVERYWHERE?
I DID-- LAST WEEK.
OH.