(ENGINES ROAR)
MAN: I was put here to kill.
You were too, whether you know it or not.
We kill because it solves problems,
because after all the options have been exhausted
and everything else fails,
we have one way to solve problems.
And that's why we're here.
That's not why I'm here.
I'm here to protect our troops, to protect our interests.
I was put here to help create a democracy, to enforce justice.
Yeah? And how do you do that?
You do that with this, this right here.
After everything else fails, it all comes down to this, baby.
This is justice. Power is justice.
Killing solves problems. That seems like the solution.
It's called right and wrong.
Does not compute.
Where does right and wrong factor in to this place?
You tell me - what difference does right and wrong make here?
Shit, man, right and wrong only matters where it has impact.
There's always a right and wrong, as long as you have the choice.
You ain't got no choice here. Only choice is living or dying.
Going through life without a choice is like driving without the headlights on.
Hey, hey, hey, quit fucking around, man.
What's the point of seeing when you can't steer anyway?
Fuck you. Turn the lights on.
Fuck you. Fuck you!
Turn the fucking lights on. You don't know what's out there.
No, no, no, no, no, you don't stop. You do not stop!
I just hit a fucking kid.
You don't stop for anything at night.
What the fuck was that? It was a fucking kid.
What's a kid doing in the desert?
I don't give a fuck if you just hit your grandmother.
You do not sidestep protocol. You do not stop for anything at night!
What if he's still alive? Bailey's right.
You're not supposed to stop, it's the rules. It could be an ambush.
You put this piece of shit in gear and go. That's an order!
Fuck you. I'm doing the right thing.
Kill those goddamn floods. Kill those goddamn floods!
(TENSE MUSIC)
(CHILD CRIES)
Kill those fucking lights. Kill those fucking lights right now!
(CHILD CONTINUES CRYING)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
(SOLDIERS SHOUT INDISTINCTLY)
(GUNFIRE)
(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)
MAN: That's just who he was.
He pulled four people out of there and then tried to put the pin back in.
WOMAN: He tried to put the pin back in?
I didn't know you could do that.
Apparently you can.
WOMAN 2: Did you know he was working on an opera?
MAN: Barthenoy's many friends,
some of whom have gathered here today,
suggested that he was a man who loved his country
and gave his life protecting not only our freedoms,
but the lives of his fellow soldiers...
in essence, doing God's work.
Barthenoy was not only thoughtful,
a responsible and a loving man, but a hero.
He is an example for us all.
But although he is a hero,
Barthenoy had not yet clarified his spirituality
and his relationship with Jesus.
Well, Jesus said, “l am the way, the truth and the life.
“No man cometh unto the Father but by me.”
John 14:6.
Had Barthenoy the opportunity to look into the future
and predict his own untimely passing,
a passing which, because of his youth, is perhaps more tragic than most,
one wonders if this burden would have been left unfinished.
And so now is the time for us to look into our own lives
and ask the question,
have we embraced the path of the righteous?
And if not, how long should we wait?
Until we are sick?
Until we are facing death ourselves?
Or until we stand before God in heaven asking for atonement?
For none of us, except Lord Jesus Christ,
none of God's children can see their futures
and none can live forever here on Earth.
(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC CONTINUES)
MAN: Did you check the gas?
DRIVER: Check the gas?
That gauge don't work. You gotta use the stick.
Gas is all out.
MAN: Here's to Bart.
To Bart. To Bart.
Is it just me, or was that priest guy...
Minister.
..was that minister saying that Bart was going to hell?
Joey! I'm not saying that he is.
I'm just...I'm just saying that the minister,
his whole gig was that, you know,
“Unless you accept Lord Jesus Christ as your only saviour,
“you're not going to heaven.”
Whatever. Heaven's just a Christian recruiting tactic.
Wiccas believe that after death
one's spirit leaves one's body
and transcends time and space
and becomes part of a greater divinity of nature, Mother Earth.
Now, does that just work for witches?
Or can mere mortals get in too?
It works for everyone, even assholes.
Perfect. I'm an asshole!
Do you think he joined the military to get away from me?
What? No, honey.
I mean, seriously, do you think he was trying to get out of marrying me?
No. No.
No, I do not.
In fact, I think he was building up his courage to ask you.
Really?
Really, I do.
He even had me looking at rings for him so that he'd be ready to ask you.
You're an asshole.
I'm sorry. I'm just...
Don't. Don't apologise.
Like, this is...none of this seems real.
How do you do it?
How do you stay so strong? You seem so strong.
My inner strength is, um,
a manifestation of my rigorous regimen of heavy sedation.
What... Pills.
(PILLS RATTLE IN JACKET) Lot of pills.
Vicodin. Valium. All the 'V's.
I actually cycle them with beer or this little fella right here.
Vicodin. Yeah?
Can I? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Um, I can get you more and whatever you need.
Thanks. OK?
Oh, fuck. I just don't know if I can make it.
He was in all of my plans.
We were gonna get a place together...eventually.
When he was ready.
I know.
And there was so much I wanted to say to him.
God, if I could just have...
..just one more day with him,
just one more.
It's gonna get easier. It's gonna get better.
OK? Just give it some time.
I know, I know, I know.
I know it will, and I'll meet someone else.
But it...it won't be Bart.
It won't be him.
You know he never told me he loved me?
He never said it. I told him, but he never said it to me.
He did love you. He does, he did.
He did love you.
He did, he did love you, OK?
OK? Yeah?
Thank you.
Oh.
(MOANS)
No. Oh, God.
We can't do this. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I don't want to make things worse.
How can it get any worse?
(SINISTER MUSIC)
(THUDDING)
(MUFFLED SHOUTING)
(REPEATED THUDDING)
(GASPING)
(SINISTER MUSIC CONTINUES)
(TURNS ON TAP)
(TURNS OFF TAP)
What the fuck?
Oh!
(GROANS)
The sick...
You're fucking kidding me.
Fucking shit.
This is...this is a dream.
This is a dream.
It's all just...all a nightmare.
Just...wake up.
Wake up. Fucking...fucking...
(GROANS)
Fuck!
OK, just ride this shit out, ride this shit out.
This is...this is...
This isn't real. This isn't real!
Fuck! Fuck!
Fuck.
(KNOCKING)
BART: Come on. Come on, please, wake up.
Please wake up.
Joey.
Please wake up.
Joey. Joey.
(JOEY GROANS)
Who is it? It's me, man.
Who's 'me'? It's me, Bart.
Let me in, please.
Hilarious. Who is it?
It's me, your friend, Bart. Please let me in the door.
Fuck off, douche-bag.
It's fucking early in the morning and this shit is not fucking funny.
(UNLOCKS DOOR)
Jesus, fuck! What the fuck? Who is that?
OK, it's me. I swear to God it's your friend.
What the fuck? What the fuck?
Who is that? It's Bart.
Please, open up, man.
Fuck! Bart?
It's me. it's Bart.
Fuck!
Get the fuck out of here! Ow!
Get out of here, dude! Fuck!
Get out of here! Jesus.
What the fuck did you do that for?
What the fuck is going on, dude?
I don't fucking know, man.
I don't know.
You're supposed to be dead.
So I gather.
Look, I'm not gonna hurt you, OK?
I just need your help. I'm not gonna hurt you.
Oh, God, this is just a dream, this is just a fucking dream
and I gotta fucking wake up.
Wake up. Wake up, wake up right now. Wake up.
I tried that. It doesn't work.
So it's not a dream. So I'm fucking insane.
That's it. I'm fucking... I lost my mind.
Maybe we're insane communally, together.
And if I'm insane, that means you're not fucking here.
But if you're insane...
Fuck, you can't be fucking insane, 'cause you're fucking dead.
Oh, God, fuck. How do you know I'm not just fucking imagining you?
I don't know the test for that, man.
Let's just pretend that you're not insane,
I'm actually alive and we're having this fucking conversation, OK?
That'd be more productive right now.
Fuck, I feel like shit. Yeah, but you look terrific.
Oh, fuck! Look at your fucking eyes!
Shit!
Fuck, yeah, it's fucked up. Look at them.
Jesus! Fuck, that is not fucking cool!
Nasty. Oh, fucking shit, you smell!
Fuck, you got a fucking reek on you. God!
You're really making me feel a whole lot better about this whole situation.
You're fucking decomposing. Jesus Christ, you're fucking rotting.
Dude.
This is not fucking happening, dude. This is not fucking happening.
I was at your funeral, man.
About that - that was a mistake.
I think I was buried alive. No, dude.
Yeah. I fucking touched you, dude.
You were fucking dead. It was fucking cold.
It was nasty... (THUMPING)
Fucking neighbours. Really? Nothing changes.
They're still doing that? Yeah, still.
Fuck. MAN: Turn that thing down!
My funeral. My fucking funeral.
Really? Yeah.
How's Janet? She's fine.
She's fine. I mean terrible. Terrible, devastated.
You know, destroyed.
Um, and, you know, she's just trying to deal.
We all are. You know, we were nervous when you went over there.
We just wanted you to come back safe and, you know, that...
Your uncle Dave called and was real nice.
He told me, and then I had to call and tell Janet,
and she was just...
But...but you're fucking here. Fucking Jesus Christ!
It's a fucking miracle, right?
Jesus... What's wrong? What's wrong?
Everything- Yeah?
I think it's my fucking liver, 'cause I don't know anything about livers...
We gotta fucking get you to hospital, dude.
Fucking... You are awful. No.
We gotta fucking find a doctor, find out what's wrong with you.
No doctors. it's just my stomach. Your stomach?
'Cause you fucking haven't eaten in three weeks.
I'm gonna go get you a snack.
You want a fucking snack, you got a snack, huh?
I got pizza. it's cold, but, um, you know, it's cold pizza.
I can nuke it, 'cause it tastes better if I throw it in the nuker.
No, just bring it. OK.
You found the medicine cabinet. Yeah.
OK.
Anchovies? Yeah.
Since when? Just"
That's disappointing.
(GROANS)
Oh! Fucking... Dude, that's my rug.
(THUMPING FROM UPSTAIRS)
WOMAN ON P.A.: Dr Forrest, dial 114, please.
Dr Forrest, please dial 114.
Buried alive? Yeah.
I was definitely, um...
I was definitely buried.
Um...it's the 'alive' part.
I thought I was dead. Everybody thought...
You were dead.
Here, check this out.
Do you have any STDs? Syphilis, hepatitis, anything?
I was killed to death in a gunfight.
Can you lean forward for me, please?
And just look straight ahead.
I'm kind of decomposing. (SNIFFS)
(RETCHES)
Can you take your shirt off for me, please?
I need you to cough and... Sure.
Military issue.
(COMMOTION)
(ALARM BUZZES)
What's the problem? No, no, I can't explain!
What's going on? What's going on? Get down here!
What is it? What's going on?
Is it Bart? Barthenoy Gregory?
(ALARM CONTINUES)
Dude, cops. We gotta...
We gotta go. There's cops.
I think that this is maybe more than just a bug.
Fuck.
What now, man?
I know what I need to do.
Smoke some dope.
OK, uh, so you take the couch. The couch is all yours.
Um, yeah, and, you know, I think we just gotta put a positive spin on this.
You know what I mean? Put it into a positive light.
You know, in Korea, the word for 'problem',
same word, 'opportunity'.
So, really, we don't have a problem here.
We have an opportunity.
A gargantuan, fucked-up opportunity.
We'll figure this all out tomorrow, buttercup.
Jesus! Shit.
Oh, Jesus! Bart?
Christ... (GROANS)
Argh! Oh, fuck, Bart.
Fuck! Fuck, Bart.
(GURGLES)
Fuck! Bart! What the fuck, dude?
Bart? (GURGLING)
Bart? Oh, Jesus.
(SILENCE) What the fuck is happening?
Jesus. I just don't believe it. I know, right?
And what did the doctor say?
We didn't really get a reasonable diagnosis.
(EXHALES HEAVILY) God, it's unbelievable.
Promise you're not gonna tell anybody, right?
No. I mean, yes, I swear.
Not anybody - not Janet, not his mom,
not until we figure out, you know, what's going on.
So he's not breathing, right? I mean...
Oh, God. I couldn't find a pulse.
This is disgusting. Yeah.
Like, he smells dead, at least.
So, why don't you want to tell Janet?
I don't want to tell nobody nothing, not till we figure out what the fuck.
So what's the prognosis?
Well, his aura looks like shit.
Oh, his aura looks like...
Is he dead? Yeah, he's dead.
Dead dead? Doornail dead.
What the fuck?
He was walking around, puking up blood,
being a general pain in the ass not four fucking hours ago.
And then he just arrested? Arrested?
Died. Oh.
Maybe, like, his vital signs are so low he just appears to be dead.
He's been embalmed, Joey.
So...what do we do?
Chop off his head. What?!
You have to chop off his head and drive a stake through his heart.
Why would I do that?
Because he's undead.
Undead?
He's a vampire.
A vampire!
Yes, Joey, a vampire, a creature of the night.
And tonight he'll probably come back again from death.
A vampire? You're a fucking idiot. What's wrong with you?
Joey, I'm serious. Yeah, I'm serious, Matty.
You're a fucking retard, OK?
There's a science explanation for what's happening here.
OK, like what? Like he's sick.
He has a virus. Gulf War syndrome.
Joey, I'm a nurse. He died over a month ago.
We buried him two days ago. What does this look like to you?
OK. Alright.
Vampires have fangs, right?
Look, huh?
Eugh, gross.
No fangs.
Maybe they take some time to grow in.
Yeah, maybe your theory is shit 'cause he died, like, a month ago.
OK, so what's he doing on your floor? I don't know.
That's what I called you for.
You have to chop off his head. OK, or else?
Or else, Joey, he'll roam the countryside
in search of victims to satiate his thirst for human blood.
This is ludicrous, OK?
He's not a vampire. He's a dead guy.
I'm gonna take him to the mortuary and let the morticians deal with him.
Alright, do what you want. It's not my problem.
But if they don't chop off his head, he will be back.
Oh, my God, where I live, on planet Earth,
there's no such thing as vampires.
You know, believe what you want,
but when he rises again and starts taking the lives of the innocent,
the blood will be on your hands.
It's up to you, Joey. He will need to drink human blood.
If he doesn't, his soul will be in eternal agony.
If you're really his friend, you'll put his soul to rest and chop off his head.
Mathilda, not a word to anyone. Promise me!
I promise, I do. Kisses.
(CRUNCHING)
(PLASTIC BAG RUSTLES)
(GASPS VIOLENTLY)
(COUGHS)
Holy shit, dude. You scared the piss out of me.
Fuck. Why am I so stiff?
I usually say that in the morning too.
Was I asleep? You were dead.
Hey, your hanging-over favourite, huh?
Eggs, smoked oysters and Spam with molé.
(CHUCKLES) Just the way you like it.
No? What? it's your favourite.
Yeah. I don't have much of an appetite.
I...I'm in the kitchen, I make it special for you
and now, what, I don't have feelings?
Dig in.
Attaboy. Mmm!
Good, right? Nice.
(GULPS)
Oh, my God!
That is so wrong.
Fuck.
OK, you gotta help me.
(STOPS ENGINE)
Alright. OK, this is good.
This is good. Mmm.
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
WOMAN ON P.A.: Dr Kaple, Dr Kaple.
This is ward 819. Dr Kaple, call the operator
(MUFFLED ANNOUNCEMENT ON PA.)
May I help you?
Um, I'm just here for some blood.
You're not a nurse. That's true.
It's true, but, um... But what?
I don't have all day. No nurse, no blood.
Right. Um... You got a security pass?
Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.
Got a security pass.
OK, OK, I don't want to hurt you, ma'am.
I just want some blood. Oh, here we go.
OK. What type?
What? What blood type?
I...l don't know. It doesn't matter. Just hurry up, please.
What are you using it for? Hey, that's none of your business.
I'm a nurse. Of course it's my business.
I can't indiscriminately dole out pints of blood
to every strung-out buffoon who wanders in off the street.
Someone could get the wrong type and blam, that's it.
So, what blood type?
No, just...just give me some fucking blood, lady, OK?
And hurry up, or I'll give you a bullet sandwich.
Good. Good.
Thank you.
We get your type in here from time to time - weirdos,
jumping from one fly-by-night hobbyist cult to another.
You know, the Gothic cult, the witch coven, Landmark Forum.
You are searching for something, for fulfillment.
Or maybe...maybe you're a cutter.
Maybe you're a junkie.
But have you asked yourself if any of this is working?
If any of this is making your life better?
When was the last time you had a stress test?
I don't know what that is.
I can give you a very simple test
to find out exactly where your engrams are at.
I don't know what you're talking about. Please put the blood in the bag.
Have you heard of Dianetics? No.
You know, you don't have to do this, you know.
Scientology can help you find your place in life.
Thank you for your help. Your purpose.
You're very helpful. You don't have to...
(PLASTIC CLATTERS)
Shit.
Why, you poser! Give me that back, you rat bastard!
(BOTH GRUNT)
Please. (SHRIEKS)
Give it back! Security! (SHRIEKS)
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
What's wrong with your eyes? (SCREAMS) Oh, my God!
You stay right there! What's wrong with you?
You'll be full of lead, both of you. (SHRIEKS)
(SCREECHES HYSTERICALLY)
Thank you.
(SCREECHES)
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Here we go!
Drive. Drive, come on.
Holy shit. Holy shit.
How'd you do, huh? Oh, I fucking did good.
Yeah? I did good. Yeah.
Oh, fuck. Fuck.
Oh, fuck.
Where's the fucking... Oh, fuck. (LAUGHS)
Drink up, baby. Ah.
Drink it up. There you go.
Look at ya. Look at ya!
Drinking fucking blood, this is fucking surreal.
Whoa. This is real surreal. You feel good?
(SPANISH HIP-HOP SONG PLAYS)
Oh! Whoa! Whoa! Not nice.
(BLEATS)
Yeah, girl. Working girl, right? Yeah, yeah.
We should do this more.
You know, we didn't do this enough when you were alive.
I feel like I've fucking...
I feel like I've been given a second chance.
You have been. Nobody gets a second chance, nobody.
No... I-I got a second chance and I'm gonna fucking use it.
I'm gonna do it the way I shoulda done it the first time.
There you go.
And no mistakes. No mistakes.
No regrets. No surrender.
Because I'm fucking alive, my man. God bless you.
(CHURCH BELL TOLLS) (PANTS) Fuck.
God. God. (GRUNTS)
Oh, hi, Joey. How are you?
Hey, Mrs Agmanic.
Ah.
Is that Bart? It's Bart.
He's...he's... Yeah, he's real sleepy.
He's been doing... He's drinking, so...
Is he drunk? Yeah.
Burning the candle at both ends.
I can help if you... No, no, I'm OK, Mrs Agmanic.
You'll hurt his head. Yeah, he's asleep.
He fell asleep in the oar, you know. I'll bring you some...
He's sleepy, I don't wanna wake him. I'll bring you orange juice.
No, thank you. I'll bring you coffee.
OK, Mrs Agmanic. (SPEAKS INDECIPHERABLY)
God. Alright, get you down here.
Come on, baby. Ahh.
Oh, fuck him, alright.
No? Not...not even a tingle? This is stupid.
OK, alright. No, let's just experiment.
Alright, so the crucifix doesn't work.
Hold out your hands. Joey!
This is actual holy water, OK.
An actual Catholic priest blessed this shit right in front of me.
Please, just hold out your hands. No, this is ridiculous.
This is ridiculous, OK? This whole thing is fucking ridiculous.
Hold your hand out. (SIGHS)
OK.
Well? Oh, fuck.
That's not wat... What the fuck is...
Holy shit!
What the fuck?!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Fuck, Bart, I'm fucking sorry, dude. Oh, my God!
Why did you do this?! Fuck. What do I do?
What's wrong? WHY DID YOU pour water on my hand?
It didn't do shit. Oh, you fucking asshole.
Such an asshole, man.
Who was stroking your hair last night when you were drinking blood?
You were, yeah. Human blood. Fuck it.
Look, alright, OK, OK, I did some research,
and you're either a zombie or a vampire.
Good. Zombie or a vampire.
I knew there had to be a scientific explanation for this.
Well... Look, we basically categorize you as definitely undead.
Alright. There's one catch, Joey.
There's no such thing as vampires or zombies.
Not according to the internet. God, the internet.
What do they say about Bigfoot on the internet?
Bart, you're clearly not Bigfoot- you're way too short,
you're not covered in hair, your feet are too small.
OK, OK, alright. So, zombie, check this out.
“A zombie is a dead human or animal corpse
“that has been resuscitated from death
“by virtue of a curse, plague or other unnatural cause.”
Huh? Huh? Who does that sound like, right?
“Zombies are automatons with little to no mental functions, ” - you...
“limited reasoning power, ” - you...
“and virtually no innate drive, ” - again, you...
“aside from the urge to feed on the flesh or brains of the living.”
So I'm a zombie. No.
Horst in 'Schriften und Hypothesen über die Vampyren' defines a vampire as
“a dead body which continues to live in the grave,
“which it leaves, however, by night
“for the purpose of sucking the blood of the living,
“whereby it is nourished, preserved in good condition,
“instead of becoming decomposed like other dead bodies.”
And Scoffern in 'Stray Leaves of Science And Folklore' writes,
“The best definition I can give of a vampire
“is a living, mischievous and murderous dead body.
“A living dead body.”
So I'm a vampire.
You're a revenant. A revenant?
One who returns from the dead in corporeal form.
Yeah. Yeah, that's me.
So, what the hell do you do...
drink holy water and recite the Lord's Prayer backwards, what?
There is, er, one...one cure
and that is chopping off your head
and driving a stake through your body.
Well... Oh, fuck!
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
(HOARSELY) Fuck.
(SIGHS) So, what are we gonna do?
JOEY: Here we go, here we go.
Here we go.
Hey, man, how you doing, huh?
Hey, man, we got some work for you. Hop in.
Oh, thank you very much, sir,
but how about just some money so I can buy some food?
Please don't touch the car. We'll give you some food, OK?
So come on in, we got food for you. Oh...no, man. Thanks.
How about just a dollar, maybe $2. OK.
Well, here's the thing - your sign says you will work for food.
So we've got work for you, then we're gonna give you some food...
you'll work for food.
You understand what I mean? So come on in.
Hey, man, I'm just trying to make ends meet, you know.
So you will work for food? Money would be better.
I mean, I'm just trying to make things happen,
and kind of burn the candle at both ends.
Burn the candle at both ends? Burn the candle at both ends.
So whoa, whoa, whoa, let's revisit this for a moment OK?
What do you mean 'missed'? You want me to kill them?
These are the dregs of society.
They have no jobs, no family, you know what I'm saying?
They make no contribution whatsoever.
You think someone's gonna notice
if they don't show up at the freeway exit ramp one day?
I'm not killing anybody. You gone fucking crazy?
You know what, maybe I am crazy.
You show up, come back from the dead magically,
soliciting my help to procure human blood so you don't rot.
Yeah, crazy - reasonable explanation.
Here we go, filthy meal coming up.
Hey, there, pops, got some work for you for food.
Oh, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Why don't you hop in, OK? How about some money, man?
Give me some money. No, no, no, no.
We have food for you if you work for us, like the sign says...
you know, the sign that you're holding?
What? The sign.
What? “Will work for food.”
Who the fuck do you think I am, your nigger'?!
Oh, wow. Get outta the car, white boy!
Alright, alright. Alright. Outta the car! Put them up.
OK.
Hey, will you work for food?
I don't do that shit, man. Huh?
I ain't no faggot, I don't do that shit.
No, no, no, no, I"
Hey, you're looking for Boystown - Santa Monica Boulevard.
Now get the fuck out of here
before I give you something else to think about.
You faggot motherfucker! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa! Whoa! Get the fuck off!
This is working out great, Joe.
What have you got next? I'm sorry, man.
I mean, I'm surprised nobody responded to my Craigslist ad...
What, really? Yeah.
That surprises me. Everybody responds to those things.
I know. Huh, what are you gonna do?
(RETCHES) ohhh.
Jesus!
(VOMITS LOUDLY) Oh, what is wrong with you?
(GROANS)
Fuck.
I don't know what that's about. We gotta figure it out soon.
MAN: Hey, bro! Bro! Just wait a sec.
(MUTTERS) Get in the car. You know what time it is?
(MUTTERS) Get in the car. Start the car.
No watch. Yeah, I think it's, like, 2:00.
They're just closing up in there, so...
Oh, thanks. Thanks.
Hey, bro, you look kinda...kinda sick. I saw you throwing up.
Ese, you alright? No, no.
Actually, I lost my watch. Yeah, I got it, though.
Oh. OK. (JOEY WHISPERS) Hey, let's go.
Hey, man, I'm selling watches, ese. You wanna see these watches, man?
You might like one. Hey, check this out. Give me your money, ese!
Fuck.
(BREATHES DEEPLY) Look...
Give me the money, ese! I don't have any money, man.
Fuck you! I said give me your money.
Fuck you, I don't have any money.
We spent it all on hookers and blow! Ah!
Hookers and blow, huh?
Hookers and...
Turn your punk ass around, ese.
Hookers? You maricones are here for hookers?
Pussy? That's right.
Mexican pussy? (SIGHS)
What, you faggots can't find no pussy in Brentwood,
you gotta come down here to my barrio?
Do we really look like we're from Brentwood?
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
Did you come down here for Mexican pussy or not'?!
Would you please not point that fucking gun at me?
Shut your fucking mouth!
Did you come down here for Mexican choncha?
No, we did not come down here for Mexican choncha.
You didn't fuck no Mexican girls? No.
No, we didn't fuck any Mexican girls.
Why not?
What?
What, Mexican choncha is not good enough for you, huh, cracker?
They don't smell right? No...
They don't smell right, is that what you're saying?
No, they smell great. Mexican... Mexican choncha smells great.
Smells...smells good? Mexican women are beautiful.
So you did come down here for some pussy,
for some Mexican pussy.
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
Hey, back up, ese! Back up!
Holy shit!
Holy shit! Bart! Back up, little boy.
You want two in you? No.
(GROANS) You want two in you?
Then give me your shit. OK.
Let's go, Casper. Give me your shit.
(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
What the fuck? (BREATHES HEAVILY)
(SPEAKS SPANISH) I fucking killed you, ese!
(GROANS AND COUGHS) (SPEAKS SPANISH)
(SIRENS WAIL DISTANTLY) Ah!
I killed you, ese!
Take that!
Ese.
Holy shit, Bart. You OK? (GROANS)
Whoa. You alright?
(GROANS) No.
Dude, you got shot. A lot.
Dude, he shot you with his gun. This is a trip! Look at you!
Oh, my... Oh, yo, OK. Alright. Alright, we gotta...
We gotta get outta here, dude, we gotta get outta here right now.
What? We gotta go. Come on, we gotta go.
Take him, take him. Get him, get him, get him.
What are you talking about? We gotta go.
You need him, trust me. Come on. Help me out, help me out.
Jesus.
Come on, get him.
Ready? Go.
(BOTH GRUNT)
(GROANS) Alright, get him in there.
Oh, daddy's gonna eat.
Baby's gonna have a nice meal.
Oh, my God, that ruled!
Oh, my God, I can't even believe it! That is so awesome, buddy.
You got dinner, buddy. Nice!
Yeah, that gangbanging motherfucker
fucked with the wrong fucking gringos, huh?
You didn't see that one coming, did you, ese, huh?
Maricón, huh? (LAUGHS)
Yo, so suck him off or, you know, drink his blood. You know, do it.
I...l don't know, man. (GROANS)
Fucking drink his blood, Bart. Do it.
You're wasting it. He's bleeding all over the seat.
Jesus Christ. You know, he shot you! You know he shot you, right?
He tried to kill you. It was us or him!
Seriously, Bart!
Dude, you're decom-fucking-posing, are you kidding?
You're wasting away. Don't you wanna get better?
Dude, you have no choice.
Drink his blood.
(GROANS)
(GRUNTS) (GROANS)
There you go. That's my guy.
Look at that. Oh! Oh, Jesus Christ.
(VOICE FADES) Holy Shit.
(DARK MuSIC)
We're gonna need more rocks. No, we got plenty of rocks.
No, we got enough rocks to sink him
but we don't got enough rocks to hold him down
once his putrefying flesh starts to swell up with gas.
Then he becomes a big, white fermented meat bobber
bubbling up on the surface for all to see.
We're gonna need more rocks.
Where the fuck do you find this shit?
I retain odd little titbits of information.
Up and over. (GRUNTS)
(SPLASH!)
This is crazy, dude.
(BIRDS CHIRP, CHURCH BELL TOLLS)
(GRUNTS)
God. (PANTS)
OK, here we go. Yup, yup, yup.
Oh, hi, Joey. See ya.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
WOMAN: Joey?
Joey?
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Joey!
(KNOCK AT DOOR) Joey!
Hey, Joey.
Joey, I can see you in there.
I'm naked. Oh, come on!
From the waist down. Oh, come on, Joey, open the door.
Hold on! (GRUNTS) Coming!
Coming. Are you fucking kidding me?
(KNOCKS AT DOOR) (GRUNTS)
Joey, what are you doing? Come on!
(BANGS ON DOOR) Oh. OK, you should knock more.
Matty.
Janet
The police came to my house. They said Bart's body's missing.
My God, you're kidding? Save it, Joey. I already told her.
(SNIFFS)
What's going on?
I wanted to tell you, I did, I did,
but he didn't want me to tell anyone.
I thought...l think maybe he was embarrassed.
Are you sure you wanna do this?
(DOOR CREAKS)
(WHISPERS) oh, my God. (SOBS)
it's a bit stuffy in here.
Oh, my God.
I don't believe it.
(SNIFFS)
Why?
Why? Why are you doing this to me?
You fucking arsehole, I loved you. Why?
He's cold.
We have to stop this. it's too hard.
There are dark forces at play.
We have to end this, now.
Dark forces?
And what do you mean, 'end it"? She means cut off his head.
What'?! It's the only way, Janet.
The...the only way to what?
The only way to put his soul to rest.
No! I wanna see him again.
Has he killed yet?
What do you mean, 'killed"?
He has to drink blood to survive, Janet.
Has he killed yet?
You're not cu... You're not cutting off his head.
This is insane.
Has he killed yet, Joey?
Joey'?! A...a little bit.
What? It was in self-defense.
And did he drink his victim's blood?
Um, yeah, he did do that.
See?
Janet, we have to put his soul at peace.
(SOBS) You understand?
He can't do it himself. It's up to us.
No! You're not fucking touching him.
You never liked him and you never wanted us to be together.
Get out of here now!
Go! All I wanna...
Go! (SOBS) Go.
Oh. That went well, I thought.
That's...that's my room.
So, did you come clean with your best pal?
Beg your pardon?
Perhaps there's more than one reason to 'give him peace'.
Do the right thing, Joey.
Fucking blow me, Matty.
(SOMBRE MuSIC)
(GASPS)
(WOMAN SINGS) .J' They say
♫ It must have been
♫ Surrender
♫ They cannot see how
♫ I could love a man like I love you
♫ I tell them
♫ All that there is to remember... ♫
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. ♫ And I don't recall... ♫
Oh, my God, it's so good to see you.
It's so good to see you too.
How did you find out?
I couldn't believe it when Mathilda told me, I...
Oh, my God, look at your eyes.
Oh, yeah. That's fucked up, right?
I usually wear sunglasses.
What the hell's going on?
Oh, sometimes, I guess, people just rise from the dead.
From the dead? Yeah.
From the dead!
♫ Angels are there just for lovers
♫ And gently they guard us each day... ♫
I can't believe you'd do this to me. Baby...
I had to bury you! I had to say goodbye.
♫ They say
♫ You're not the lover for me
♫ Hoping for proof they don't see
♫ Somehow awaiting your crime
♫ I fall
♫ into your arms
♫ With my heart
♫ Open as wide the stars
♫ I know that your love is mine. ♫
(TELEVISION PLAYS SOFTLY)
So you're still not hungry or are you basically, like, nervous
you're gonna puke everything up in a damned bloody mess?
I'm not feeling very rubicund lately. Rubicund?
Nice. That's a pretty gay word.
Oh, you got your cell phone back, huh?
Yep. Janet gave it back to me. What?
She sent me a bunch of voicemails when I was dead.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Said she wanted to hear my voice.
She pissed that you're not accepting her calls, sending her to voicemail?
You're so fucked, man. (LAUGHS) Sorry.
You just send her to voicemail.
Where's the Quick-E-Mart man? I don't know.
Oh, there he is. Yes.
OK. You alright?
That's a nice shirt. Great shin.
Did you steal it from a Gypsy? (LAUGHS) Cowboy Gypsy?
That's a great hat.
BOTH: Ohhh!
Hey! What are you doing?
You stupid white motherfuckers,
you just walked into the wrong motherfucking liquor store.
Put your white motherfucking heads on the motherfucking counter now!
Get the fucking money out of the fucking machine
and put it in the fucking bag!
I hate fucking square-ass, tight-fuck white people like you.
And I can't stand no slant-eyed,
Chink-Nip motherfucker like you neither.
Get the fucking money! Think I'm playing with you'?!
Give me that. Get your ass over there.
What the fuck's wrong with you fuckers?
On your knees! Put your hands behind your fucking head!
Skimpy-ass yellow bastards.
Anybody moves, I'll shoot 'em.
Anybody makes a sound, guess what? I'm gonna shoot 'em!
I'm glad you assholes came up in here.
I didn't plan on busting up no white folks tonight, just gooks!
But I always do over the white man when I get the opportunity.
Fork it over, motherfucker!
Put that fucking shit on the counter! Now!
Yeah.
Isn't that a little racist? What?
Wh-what-what...what the fuck did you just say?
You always do over the white man when you get the chance,
that what you said?
Fuck you! Look what you white folks did to my people.
Look how you force down the black community!
You specifically target someone based on their race, that's racism.
(CLERK WHIMPERS) Back me up on this, Joey.
Yeah, back him up, motherfucker.
Shit, are you kidding me, man? Are you fucking kidding me?
“Moral consciousness implies a kind of scission,
“a fracture of consciousness
“into a bright part and an opposing black part.
“In order to achieve morality, it is essential that
“the black, the dark, the Negro vanish from consciousness.
“Hence a Negro is forever in combat with his own image.” Frantz Fanon.
Louis Farrakhan said, “Anarchy may await America
“due to the daily injustices suffered by the people.”
I'm doing my part to manifest that anarchy, brother,
and free all people.
But you ain't gonna see that freedom because you're gonna be a casualty
of the anarchy that brings it into being!
And the fucking slope goes first.
No. Don't, don't. I don't wanna die.
Don't, don't, don't shoot me, please.
What the fuck is with that shit? I think he fainted.
Fainted? (CLERK WHIMPERS)
Shut the fuck up, gook! I said, “Shut the fuck up!”
Alright, say goodbye, motherfucker. Don't, man.
No, don't kill me. Don't kill me. Fuck! Fuck! Oh!
Fuck, fuck.
You wanna be a fucking hero? I don't wanna die. Shit!
Oh, fuck, fuck. I don't wanna die.
(PHONE RINGS)
(COUGHS)
Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck. Oh, shit. (GROANS)
(PHONE RINGS) He was shot.
(BLABBERS) Dude, what happened, dude?
What the fuck? Oh, I got...l got shot.
Oh, hurting. (MUTTERS)
Fucking Jesus, it hurts. You should see your chest. Is it OK?
(PHONE RINGS) Is it real?
Oh, fuck. What the fuck happened?
What? I don't get it.
He's dead. Yeah?
Fuck you. I say, “Fuck you.” Yeah.
That teaches you to fuck with me. Yeah, baby.
Yeah, I can't... I can't talk right now, OK?
Yeah, I'm just too busy. CLERK: Asshole! Fucking asshole.
I'm too busy to tell you why I'm busy.
CLERK: Teach you to fuck with me. OK? I gotta go.
OK, I'll talk to you later.
Martin Luther King is rolling in his grave.
Yeah, I will. You asshole.
You're a disgrace to the black man. OK. OK, gotta go.
Don't you fucking get it, you punk? OK.
OK, baby. 'Bye. I don't believe it.
I'm a-fucking-live, alive! Anything in the fucking store you want.
Please, take it, take it. Anything.
Please, please, here. For free. Take it, for free.
OK, yeah. You saved my life!
Yep.
(BART GRUNTS) Eww.
Whoa.
Bart, look at this fucker.
Look at that shit. You fucking kidding me?
Oh, score.
Huh? (SIRENS WAIL DISTANTLY)
Uh-huh.
T-take out $300, make it fucking snappy.
M-machine w-won't take my card.
Don't fucking fuck with me, man.
I want $300 or they're gonna be
wiping up your fucking frontal lobe off that machine in the AM.
It-it's not my card. I-I stole it. It's not mine.
Shut up! You think I'm fucking stupid?
I'm gonna count to three... No, I'm gonna count to five.
Alright? And if I don't have 300 bucks, kaboom, you're dead.
One. Two. (ATM BEEPS)
Three. Four.
Drop the fucking gun lickity-fucking-split.
Move and the geek gets it. OK.
I'm gonna count to three. No, I'm gonna count to five.
And if you don't drop the gun, kaboom.
One.
Motherfuck...
WOMAN: No! Help! Help! MAN: Shut up!
(SOBS) Oh, go away. Oh, God, help.
Help me. Somebody, help me. Shut up!
BART: I know what you're thinking.
Did he fire six shots or only five?
Well, to tell you the truth,
in all this excitement I've kinda lost track myself.
But seeing as this is a .44 Magnum,
the the most powerful hand gun in the world,
would blow your head clean off... (GUNSHOT)
Oh! Ohh!
Oh, you can't... (GUNSHOT)
(BART COUGHS)
That's not a .44 Magnum. (SIGHS)
(HOARSELY) So you've got to ask yourself a question,
“Do I feel lucky?”
Well, do ya...punk?
Fuck you.
Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you so much.
How can I ever thank you? (GASPS)
BART: Well...
Oh, my God, dude. Holy God. This looks fun.
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
(SNIFFS)
Oh, fu...
(GIGGLES)
It smells like pure gasoline. Are you kidding me?
Oi. What did you say, little brown rabbit?
NEWS ANCHOR: ..what local law enforcement
is calling a vigilante gunslinger
sends cheers through the local community.
For the full story we go to Anita Chung.
Convenient Man owner Marty Kim,
whose business has been plagued by hate crimes and vandalism
ever since the latest Laker riots in June,
claims that the gunslingers saved his life.
My business has been plagued by crime, yes.
My wife and I can't sleep
without worrying about what's gonna get broken or stolen
until these gunslinger boys.
REPORTER: Police say these men are criminals
and need to be subdued and prosecuted
before they can strike again.
Will you help the cops with their investigation?
MARTY KIM: Why do they need to be prosecuted?
They saved my life.
How can you explain the fact that the victims have been found
with all the blood drained from their bodies?
What blood? I don't see any blood.
Anita Chung, reporting to you live from Koreatown. Back to you.
Vigilante gunslingers. How fucking cool is that, dude?
To protect the innocent, to serve justice, truth, vengeance,
the American way.
Oh, my God, We're like... We're like cowboys.
We're like vampire superheroes.
Maybe... I think maybe, like, maybe you could make me a vampire. Right?
I mean, like, I'll drink your blood or you drink my blood, you know,
whatever we have to do to give me the dark gift.
“The dark gift?”
The dark gift? The dark gift?
The dark gift? The dark gift. Yeah.
(LAUGHS) The dark gift. The dark gift.
Yeah. Yeah, I could give you the dark gift. The dark gift.
The dark gift? Yeah, man, that would be great.
OK, I'm in a happy place.
We're on TV. This is cool. And now you're shitting on me with sarcasm.
OK? So fuck off. You're a dick.
Say 'dark gift' again. The dark gift.
You're a child, and now I'm gonna go masturbate
to pictures of your mom, which I have.
(SIRENS WAIL)
Go get 'em, tiger. Go get 'em, daddy.
There you go. Go on.
Oh, that's not good. Oh, God.
Here I come. I'm coming.
Freeze, you fuckers.
(MEN YELL)
(GUNFIRE)
Oh, God. Fuck.
(JOEY SOBS)
You're OK. You're OK.
Listen, we've just got to get to the car.
(WHIMPERS) Come on.
(SPLUTTERS) oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck.
You hang on, buddy. God!
Hang on, Joey. You're gonna be OK. OK?
I'm bleeding to death.
You gotta hurry, Bart.
You gotta hurry, man.
Do not think about the pain, buddy.
Don't let me die, Bart.
You stay... I won't let you die.
OK? You stay with me. Bullets everywhere!
Oh, fuck. I'm in trouble, dude.
(GASPS) oh, my God.
I had dreams. I had fucking... We had dreams.
We didn't do shit.
We didn't do a fucking thing. Now it's too late.
It's not over, buddy. it's not over. You're gonna be fine, alright?
We're gonna get you to the hospital and get you patched up.
OK? They're gonna fix you right up. (SPITS)
We're gonna fucking do everything we always talked about, man.
We'll make things happen, alright?
(WHIMPERS) Don't leave me. (MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY)
Fuck! Where's this fucking hospital?
Are you lost? You can't find the hospital?
I'm not lost. I'm not lost. It's right up here on the...
(BUMP!) Fuck!
(WEAKLY) I'm gonna die. BART: Keep talking.
I'm gonna die in the front seat of this bullshit car.
Joey, hang on. Joey, hang on. You fucking hang on!
Joey? Joey?
(TYRES SQUEAL)
Joey? Joey, don't do this to me. Joey!
Fuck.
(BART PANTS)
We gotcha. You're gonna be just fine.
WOMAN ON TV: Coming up, the World Health Organisation
has quarantined the international terminal at LAX
following criticism that local authorities have not done enough...
(MOANING) ..to stop the spread...
(GROANING)
(GASPS) Hot.
BART: Hey! Hey, pal.
(PANTS) oh, fu...
You gotta be kidding me.
Should have chopped off my head while you had the chance.
(LAUGHS) No fucking shit, man.
(SCREAMS)
(JOEY CONTINUES SCREAMING)
WOMAN ON RADIO: 1505 South Wooster. An upstairs duplex.
Code 2 incident- 5401-RD-859.
You ready? Ready, teddy.
(VIGOROUS ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)
(GIRL SHRIEKS)
Drop the gun. Drop it. Drop it, fucker.
(TYRES SQUEAL)
(CLASSICAL MUSIC CONTINUES)
In continuing crime team coverage,
the vigilante gunslingers saved the day again.
Death toll rises as search for local crime-fighting outlaws intensifies.
One woman relates her harrowing experience
in the hands of the vigilante gunslingers.
Find out how vigilantism affects your credit standing.
And finally, in the Sky 7 investigative team's
continuing live team coverage of the vigilante gunslingers, Clue Watch,
local Southland investigators claim they have a break in the case,
leading them to the true identities of the gunslingers.
Surveillance video outside a Super Puffs hot dog stand
appears to show the suspects exiting the crime scene
and then performing reckless manoeuvres in their getaway vehicle
before making their escape.
Police now are looking for leads
from anyone who might have seen the suspects
driving a late model Camaro with a Surfboard on the roof
(ROCK MUSIC)
SONG: ♫ I can see it now
♫ By the look on your face
♫ I'm about to have a problem
♫ Got a gun out west
♫ Always get away with it
♫ Living in a blizzard
♫ Coming from the tower
♫ Giving you the word
♫ Try to find a clear thought inside your... ♫
(MEN GROAN)
(METALLIC RATTLING)
Oh, yes.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, my God. There's a shitload of coke here, dude.
Oh, dude! Holy shit. What a haul.
Oh, my God. Oh, dude. Oh, God.
(JOEY SNIFFS LOUDLY) Oh.
(LAUGHS)
Shit. JOEY: What's the matter?
These guys are cops, man.
No shit? Yeah.
What are you doing? What's it look like?
I'm trying to give him CPR.
Yeah, I think I can save this one right here.
Mmm. Oh, yeah. Oh, he's coming around. Mmm.
Oh, I think I can save him. No. No. He's dead.
Quit screwing around, fuck-ass. These guys are cops. Did you hear me?
Yeah, they're cops. So what? OK?
The most corrupt dirtbag fucks of this society. Jesus.
What do you think they're doing here, huh?
Do you think they're good-guy drug dealer cops?
What's your fucking deal anyway? It isn't right.
JOEY: They were drug dealers. You love drugs.
(BART SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
What about the children? It's the children that suffer here.
You should think of the children.
(RINGTONE PLAYS LOUDLY)
(HANGS UP PHONE)
JOEY : What the fuck?
Matty?
What the hell are you doing here, Matty?
Well, you must be the vigilante gunslingers.
Some pretty dope motherfuckers, huh?
Jesus Christ, Matty. It's been a long time.
Yeah, I haven't seen you for a while...upright, anyway.
How you been?
Good. Fine. You?
Same ol', same ol'.
So, what's it like dying and then coming back?
I can't say it exactly rules.
Are you fucking serious? You sucked your best friend's blood?
It's not like that. I was trying to save his life.
Oh, well, good work. Now you're both ghouls.
I warned you. I told you to cut off his head.
But no, you knew everything, didn't you?
Alright. Alright. Fine. OK? What the fuck are you doing here?
I followed you. I've been watching you.
I know what you're doing.
And now Janet will too. No. You can't tell Janet.
Janet, the police, the evening news... I'm telling fucking Oprah.
It's not fair what you're doing to her. You know she still loves you.
She thinks there's hope. She thinks there's a cure.
She's still trying to work it out with you,
with her deadbeat, dead boyfriend.
Just let her go, Bart. Let her get on with her life.
You've got to let me tell her. Matty, please just give me that.
No. Game over.
Cops, Janet, and when the sun comes up, heads off.
(SHOUTS) Matty! (BANG!)
I will shoot you.
Joey, don't.
Matty, I'll shoot you.
Joey?
No, you won't.
(BANG!)
The fuck?
You heard her. What the fuck!
Well, she said she was gonna go to the cops.
It's Matty.
Yeah, it's Matty, OK?
The witch freak... Just fuck up.
..who had a lesbo crush on your girlfriend,
who was gonna go to the cops.
(COUGHS WEAKLY) Joey, you're such a dick.
(PHONE BEEPS)
JOEY: Fuck Matty. Fuck Matty, dude.
Fuck her. Fuck her. She was a...
She was gonna go to the fucking cops. I fucking shot her.
Fuck her. You're fucking welcome.
You're just fucking pissed. It's ringing. Shut up.
I had the fucking balls to do something that you couldn't...
Please, dude. ..fucking do ever.
You're such a pussy. Fuck! Voicemail.
Yeah, she's probably on the fucking phone with the cops right now,
so we gotta get the fuck out of Dodge
and get the fuck out of here before the sun rises.
What the fuck are you doing? Where are we?
Just get everything you can at home, OK?
Pack everything you can into one bag.
What are you talking about?
Or don't pack, alright? Don't pack. I don't care.
Just meet me at home, alright? I got a plan.
Plan?
It's a surprise, OK? Yeah.
Look, you're gonna love it. Just meet me at home in 30 minutes, OK?
30 minutes. Don't be late.
(KEYS JANGLE)
Look, I don't know what Mathilda told you...
Don't. Just don't.
What? Stop it, Bart.
(JOEY ON RECORDING) Yeah, they're cops.
So what? OK? The most corrupt dirtbag...
They were drug dealers, Janet.
JANET: Joey's a drug dealer.
No, it's not the same thing. It's not the same thing at all.
These people... They had guns. They had weapons.
Oh, so it was self-defense?
Yeah.
BART: Yes, it was. Well, then, why...
We need to drink blood, Janet. I need to.
Don't you get that? If I don't get blood I will decompose.
I'll rot. You can use me.
What?
I mean, you won't kill me, right?
But you can get by just on me, can't you?
You have no idea what you're saying.
I just want us to be together. Don't do this, alright?
I want you to stay so we can be together.
You don't understand.
Come on.
Please don't do this. Please don't.
Just take a little, just enough.
I want you to, baby.
(JANET GRUNTS)
(BREATHES RAPIDLY)
(WHIMPERS)
(BREATHES RAGGEDLY)
(MOANS)
Oh, God.
(NOVELTY CAR HORN HONKS)
(HONKS HORN)
What the fuck is that?
(LAUGHS) it's our new recreational vehicle. Yeah!
Big, roomy, 472 big block under the hood.
Oh, a killer AC so that the corpses don't get too ripe.
I personally installed a 12-disc CD changer MP3 player,
so the tunes, they're covered.
The style is apropos, I'd say, and check it out.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah!
(JOEY INHALES DEEPLY)
I'm thinking Las Vegas. Huh? Me and you go to Vegas.
It's open all night long.
Restaurants, gambling, shows, showgirls...
The night-life, baby!
And then in the morning
we retire to the luxury and safety of our two-coffin suite.
Yeah! What do you think, huh?
Oh, an endless bevy of bodacious apple-bottomed booty,
a lifetime of debauchery.
The vigilante gunslingers do Las Vegas.
What's the problem?
What is it? Janet
What about Janet?
BART: I didn't mean to. What happened to Janet? Huh?
JOEY: What happened to Janet? She wanted me to do it.
She... She begged me to do it and l...l got carried away.
What did you do, Bart? What did you do to Janet, Bart?
You asshole. You stupid cunt.
What's the matter with you?
It wasn't my fault.
She wanted me to do it. It was a fucking accident.
(SIGHS HEAVILY)
Well, you are going to have to cut off her head.
What?
You want her to be like us? Is that what you want?
You want her to come back from the dead
and roam the earth in Search of human blood?
You don't have self-control.
She loves you and you use her for food.
(SCOFFS)
You are such an asshole.
I slept with her.
What?
I fucked Janet after your funeral.
She was looking for a shoulder to cry on and I fucked her.
You?
(LAUGHS) Bullshit. Bull-fucking-shit. Fuck you.
(WHISPERS) She was all over me, dude.
She was all over me, dude.
We came back here, got drunk, and then we screwed.
(CHUCKLES) We did it all night.
It was crazy. We were like demons.
You fucked my girlfriend? After I died, you fucked my girlfriend?
What do you care? You were never gonna marry her.
She waited for you to come home so that you could marry her.
But you were never gonna marry her,
whether or not you came home alive.
You've been draining her blood way before you killed her.
You've been a vampire for years.
You fucked Janet. You killed Janet.
Oh. You're gonna shoot me?
Yeah. Huh?
You're gonna shoot me? Well, come on and do it, faggot.
Do it. I will.
I want you to shoot me. Come on. Do it, cockbag.
(SINGS) I'd fucked your girlfriend
I'd fucked your girlfriend... I'd Shut up. Shut the fuck up.
You were my best friend and you fucked my girlfriend.
What we did wasn't fucking. No, no, no. It was more than that.
She had all this pent-up remorse up inside her.
She had to get it out of her somehow.
That's where I came in and I came in.
That's right. She was... She was like an animal.
She was like a cat. It was fucking dirty. It was fucking nasty.
It was insane. Shut the fuck up.
(BANG)
Oh, you're such a dick.
(JOEY GRUNTS)
You fucking douche-bag. You were aiming for my head.
Oh, yeah?
(CROCKERY CLATTERS) OW! Fuck!
That was my fucking ear. You fucking shot my ear.
Ow! Fuck you.
(BANG!) Oh, fuck.
(SHOUTS) Shit. Fucking cockmonger.
(YELLS) JOEY: Cockmonger?
Jeez.
(JOEY PANTS) You're a Judas.
Ow! You... Stop shooting me. You are the worst friend.
(GROANS) BART: Fuck you, dick.
(YELLS)
(PANTS BREATHLESSLY)
F...
Bitch.
(GROANS)
Shooting your balls.
(SPITS AND BURPS)
(RUMMAGING)
Hey, hey. No.
What happened to us?
You happened to us.
(GURGLES)
(BART SPLUTTERS)
Find your own ride into the afterlife.
Joey's going to Las Vegas.
(KNOCKING ON CEILING)
Go to sleep, Mrs Agmanic. There's nothing to see here.
(POIGNANT MUSIC)
(BART BREATHES HEAVILY)
Alright.
(SQUELCHING)
(DISTANT SIRENS)
(POIGNANT MUSIC CONTINUES)
MAN: Freeze!
(SIREN WAILS) (HELICOPTER HOVERS)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(REPORTERS SPEAK ALL AT ONCE)
JOEY: Hey, baby. How are you doing? Get in the car, huh?
You want to party? You want to party?
It's hot in here. I got too much money.
Get in the fucking car, hon.
(TYRES SQUEAL) What the fuck?
Get the fuck out of my... You guys do not want to fuck with me.
Do you understand? MAN: Get out!
What the fuck?
Fucking... You... I'll fucking kill you. Fuck.
What the fuck is going on? Holy shit.
Who the fuck are you guys? What the fuck?
Surprise, surprise, homie. We been looking all over for you.
Remember me, ese?
Oh, yeah. Benny. Gay kid from gym class. Look at you. You filled out.
(PUNCHES) (GROANS) oh, fuck.
I want you to take a close look at me, man.
Look at my fucking eyes.
Oh, yuck. Oh. Should have used more rocks.
That's right, man.
You didn't figure it out, did you?
Fuck, man. It took me a long time too, man.
But you got to out off the heads before they come back to life, homie.
You got to cut off the head.
I woke up in a fucking lake, man. Fishes were eating my eyelids.
God, it's disgusting. I'm a fucking freak, man.
Can I be honest? You look great. You wear it well.
Shut the fuck up, man.
I got a family, homie. You know that? Two daughters, ese. Mi vieja.
How's my fucking jefita gonna see me, man?
She's gonna have a fucking heart attack.
(SHOUTS) You made me like this.
I did not do this, man. You did this!
No, I did not. I did not do this. My fucking friend did that to you.
And he's not even my friend anymore. He's a fucking asshole.
But I'm gonna find him for you
and I'm gonna tell him, “Important safety tip...
“we got to cut off the heads before they come back to life.”
I'll tell him.
You tell him that, homie. JOEY: Uh-huh.
But I'm gonna show you one last thing.
OK.
(GROANS) Oh, God. What are you fucking doing, guys?
Let's just talk about this, huh?
Let's not do things we're going to regret tomorrow!
You want to talk, homie? You want to talk?
Come on! I can't hear you.
You want to talk? What do you want to talk about?
Oh, fuck this. I'm gonna leave. I'm just gonna get out of here.
Ready? Oh, Jesus.
On three. On three. On three. You ready? One.
Jesus fucking Christ.
(JOEY WHIMPERS)
(JOEY MOANS)
(SPLUTTERS)
(COUGHING)
What the fuck? What the... What the fuck?
(BREATHES HEAVILY) Shit.
What the...
Jesus. Do they do this to me on purpose?
(CRASH!) OW!
Hello.
(YELLS) (SCREAMS)
(GAGS)
Shit.
(PANTS BREATHLESSLY)
OK. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, my fucking...
Fuck.
Joey? Joey?
Joey!
Oh, fuck, Joey.
What the fuck, Joe? What the fuck!
What the fuck?
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
Who the fuck would do this to you, man?
(MOUTHS SILENTLY)
What's that? What's that?
Mi... Miaow?
Huh? What? Who?
(VIBRATING)
(VOICE VIBRATES) You gotta be kidding me.
Ohhh.
You're such a dick.
Dude, what the fuck?
Where'd you find this? Your purse?
I should have chopped off your head when I had the chance.
Who the fuck would do this to you?
Miguel. Miguel did this to me.
Miguel?
The gangbanger.
Oh, the gangbanger? What the fuck? I thought we killed him.
I told you we needed to use more rocks.
You gotta get out of here
before they come here and do a Daniel Pearl on your ass too.
(LAUGHS)
Fucking shit.
If anybody needs a belt right now it's you, huh?
Oh, fuck, Joey. What are we going to do?
(SPEAKS INAUDIBLY)
What's that, buddy?
(VIBRATING)
What's that?
Bart, you gotta kill me.
What's that?
You gotta kill me, man.
You want me to kill you?
I can't go through eternity talking with a fucking dildo on my throat.
How the fuck...
Bart. Bart, you got to figure out a way to kill me.
Figure it out. I can't live like this.
I can't.
You gotta fucking kill me, man. You gotta kill me, Bart.
(ENGINE REVS)
(TYRES SCREECH)
(CRIES SOFTLY)
Joey...
..I want you to know something.
I gotta tell you something.
Most people die before they ever get a chance to tell people this shit.
I just want you to know that...
..I love you.
I love you, Joe.
And I don't fuckin' mean that in a gay way.
It's a platonic thing, OK?
(MOUTHS SILENTLY)
I don't care that you fucked Janet, OK?
You're my best friend. I fuckin' love you.
I always have.
Alright, buddy, that's it.
That's it. it's all I had to say.
Goodbye, buddy.
You're my best friend, you always will be.
I would always regret it if I didn't tell you that.
(POIGNANT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)
(SIRENS WAIL IN THE DISTANCE)
(POIGNANT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC CONTINUES)
(WOMAN SINGS OPERATICALLY)
(CHOKES)
Fuck.
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(TRAIN APPROACHES)
(CRUNCH!)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
BART: Fuck!
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(MUSIC ENDS)
(CRIES)
WOMAN: Are you OK?
(EERIE MUSIC)
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
(TRAIN WHEELS SCREECH)
(MEN CONVERSE IN SPANISH)
Hey!
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
(PEOPLE EXCLAIM AND SCREAM)
MAN ON P.A.: Security code above...
...levels four and five.
WOMAN ON P.A.: Security to levels four and five.
Freeze! WOMAN ON P.A.: Security code...
(PE0PLE SCREAM)
ughnns
(YELLS) Ahhhh!
Arggh!
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
(SIRENS WAIL)
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
(HELICOPTERS APPROACH) (INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)
MAN ON MEGAPHONE: Stop what you're doing.
Freeze. Put your hands in the air.
Get on your knees.
Both hands in the air.
Show me your hands. Both hands.
I need to see both hands in the air right now.
Hold your fire, hold your fire.
Show us your hands.
(ALARM KLAXON WAILS)
Hold your fire!
(LOW WHOOSHING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Fire! Fire! Fire!
(SOMBRE MUSIC)
(POIGNANT MUSIC)
WOMAN: They're awakening.
It is 6:15, precisely sunset.
Uh, will everyone please step in?
You can see better.
They're just awakening now.
(PEOPLE MURMUR)
This subject...
..98240...
..was found in its lifeless state at its previous place of employment
on September 17, two months after initial death.
That night at the morgue - and this is typical...
it resumed its animated state.
They called local authorities who subdued it,
who then contacted the WHO.
DNA samples revealed this to be
the body of a man who died more than 14 weeks ago.
Subject 984240.
Cutting off the heads during the day when they are inanimate
has been sufficient, in most cases, to keep the subject from rising again.
Subject 687002.
After testing on four subjects,
it was found that impalement alone often does not prevent reanimation.
However, when used in conjunction with decapitation,
seems to ensure permanent death.
Now, decapitation has an interesting effect
while they're in the animated state.
This subject, 991560, was decapitated four days ago
during the night while it was animate and the head still fully functioned.
Well, it seemed to be fully aware.
Now, short of incinerating the head, we don't know how to discharge it.
Uh, how is the infection transmitted?
We've not been able to show any known aetiologies for this condition.
No-one's been able to isolate a viral or bacterial infection
that would facilitate transmission.
DNA testing has shown no genetic predisposition
for post-mortem reanimation.
We are looking at something completely new.
MAN: Completely new? Completely ancient.
Subject 9890052.
His corpse went missing from the mortuary embalming room
for nine weeks.
We just recovered him this morning.
He might be the alpha infection subject,
meaning we don't know how many others he might've infected.
And he's military.
Well, the lab results haven't come back yet.
We believe that he is Second Lieutenant Gregory, US Army.
Served three consecutive tours of duty in Fallujah and Baghdad.
Killed in battle October 8.
Lieutenant Gregory, is that right?
How did it happen, son?
Guess I just lost my way.
OFFICER: Army.
Good.
You'll have an advantage.
(CROWD MURMURS)
(GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC)
SONG: ♫ You've come too late for the party
♫ It started after the show
♫ The curtain fell and the lights went down... ♫
(ALARM KLAXON BLARES)
(MECHANICAL DOOR WHINES)
♫ There's no-one left in the ballroom
♫ The only ones left inside
♫ Are the ghosts of all of the actors
♫ To whom you never have time
♫ To wish goodbye
♫ And now you see
♫ How it's gonna be
♫ And it's gonna be your nightmare
♫ And now you see
♫ How it's gonna be
♫ And it ain't no fuckin' picnic down here
♫ And if I find you
♫ Waiting here for me
♫ When I get back home
♫ And if I find you waiting
♫ Waiting on the other side
♫ With Kool-Aid and your Pumas on
♫ Trees in a blood-red sky
♫ The dirt smells like leaves from last year
♫ I remember you standing there
♫ Just like the photo I took
♫ That I cannot look at anymore
♫ Stacked in shoeboxes by the fire
♫ Awaiting their destruction at my hands
♫ Empty shoeboxes burning higher
♫ Burning, blowing ashes in the sand
♫ And if I find you
♫ Waiting here for me
♫ When I get back home
♫ And if I find you waiting
♫ Waiting on the other side
♫ With Kool-Aid and your Pumas
♫ And you just arrived
♫ But you know that you've been here before
♫ So pull out your knife
♫ And carve your steaming carcass on the floor. ♫