1
00:00:58,184 --> 00:00:59,811
- Good. Are you on?
- Yeah, we're ready.

2
00:01:01,187 --> 00:01:03,188
<i>My name is Calvin Cutler.</i>

3
00:01:03,189 --> 00:01:06,066
What you're about to witness
is the most badass,

4
00:01:06,067 --> 00:01:08,236
fucked-up thing you'll ever see.

5
00:01:08,319 --> 00:01:10,446
We call this the "Bull's Eye."

6
00:01:11,573 --> 00:01:14,325
Oh, yeah.
Don't try this at home.

7
00:01:15,243 --> 00:01:18,371
You're good? You ready, buddy?
All right. Right, ready?

8
00:01:19,372 --> 00:01:22,500
One... two... three!

9
00:01:26,254 --> 00:01:27,294
Tell me we got it. Just...

10
00:01:28,381 --> 00:01:32,301
Did we? No! No way, we got it!
No fucking way, dude!

11
00:01:32,302 --> 00:01:34,219
<i>We got it! We got it! We got...</i>
- Oh, shit!

12
00:01:34,220 --> 00:01:36,556
<i>Look at that! Look at that!
Dude. Bull's eye, bro!</i>

13
00:01:39,392 --> 00:01:41,393
Awesome!

14
00:01:41,394 --> 00:01:44,105
<i>We're putting it on YouTube!
Let's go! Yeah!</i>

15
00:01:44,272 --> 00:01:45,398
Dude, we got a view!

16
00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:49,485
Yeah, buddy, that was us
when we uploaded it.

17
00:01:50,403 --> 00:01:53,281
Well, then upload it again
so we can have two views.

18
00:01:53,531 --> 00:01:55,283
I... I don't think that's how it works.

19
00:01:55,366 --> 00:01:57,660
- Hit "refresh," dude.
- Oh, yeah.

20
00:02:01,289 --> 00:02:03,373
- No way.
- That can't be right.

21
00:02:03,374 --> 00:02:04,666
- Do me a favor.
- I just refreshed it.

22
00:02:04,667 --> 00:02:06,085
Let's see if it pulls up.

23
00:02:06,336 --> 00:02:10,673
No way. Twenty-five thousand
views, man!

24
00:02:12,050 --> 00:02:13,301
Five hundred thousand!

25
00:02:14,218 --> 00:02:16,387
- One million? Yes!
- You're too money!

26
00:02:16,512 --> 00:02:19,306
- I told you we're gonna be famous.
- We're gonna be famous and...

27
00:02:19,307 --> 00:02:21,309
<i>April fools, suckers!</i>

28
00:02:22,226 --> 00:02:26,229
<i>I took the liberty of cloning YouTube
and hyper-inflating your views.</i>

29
00:02:26,230 --> 00:02:27,690
...You... You little shit!

30
00:02:28,107 --> 00:02:30,692
<i>Did you just try to hit me
through your computer screen?</i>

31
00:02:30,693 --> 00:02:31,777
Yeah, I did!

32
00:02:31,778 --> 00:02:34,404
Why don't you come in here so
I can hit you like a real man, pussy!

33
00:02:34,405 --> 00:02:37,492
<i>Working on my science project.
Enjoy your page views.</i>

34
00:02:37,700 --> 00:02:39,410
God, he's such a little spaz!

35
00:02:39,702 --> 00:02:42,079
- We need revenge.
- We do.

36
00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:45,248
- We need to April fools prank him.
- Yeah!

37
00:02:45,249 --> 00:02:47,334
- Hit him where it hurts.
- Square in his balls.

38
00:02:47,335 --> 00:02:49,127
No! We gotta do
something better.

39
00:02:49,128 --> 00:02:52,340
We steal his computer
and load it full of viruses.

40
00:02:52,423 --> 00:02:55,342
- Wait, where do we get viruses?
- Uh, duh! Porn sites.

41
00:02:55,343 --> 00:02:58,346
Why do you think my computer's
so slow? It's full of 'em.

42
00:02:58,429 --> 00:03:01,348
Oh, okay, but how-how do we get
his laptop if it's in his room?

43
00:03:01,349 --> 00:03:03,642
We can't just-just kick
in the door and steal it.

44
00:03:03,643 --> 00:03:06,436
How do you lure a dragon
out of a lion's den?

45
00:03:06,437 --> 00:03:07,438
I don't know.

46
00:03:08,356 --> 00:03:10,649
- You present him with a challenge.
- Challenge?

47
00:03:10,650 --> 00:03:12,527
A challenge. Jus... Follow my lead.

48
00:03:13,152 --> 00:03:16,447
- Baxter! Baxter, my man!
<i>- What?</i>

49
00:03:17,115 --> 00:03:20,576
Uh, me and J.J., we have
this computer problem.

50
00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:25,581
There's this movie on
the Internet and we can't find it.

51
00:03:26,124 --> 00:03:27,165
Can you help us?

52
00:03:27,166 --> 00:03:29,460
You're trying to get back
at me for that prank, right?

53
00:03:29,544 --> 00:03:33,588
No! Truce! Truce.
Seriously, we just, uh...

54
00:03:33,589 --> 00:03:38,970
we need to find it, uh,
before the FBI takes it down.

55
00:03:39,387 --> 00:03:40,470
<i>You said the FBI?</i>

56
00:03:40,471 --> 00:03:44,558
- Fucking FBI, the CIA...
- The CSI, NCIS...

57
00:03:44,559 --> 00:03:46,601
I mean, this video is so illegal,

58
00:03:46,602 --> 00:03:49,313
it has been banned
by every country in the world.

59
00:03:49,397 --> 00:03:50,480
Including Amsterdam.

60
00:03:50,481 --> 00:03:52,607
Where you could slap a cop
in the face with your penis,

61
00:03:52,608 --> 00:03:54,067
and they'd say, "danka."

62
00:03:54,068 --> 00:03:55,695
<i>Amsterdam is not a country!</i>

63
00:03:56,237 --> 00:03:58,405
- Amsterdam's not a country?
- Since when?

64
00:03:58,406 --> 00:04:00,490
The shit's still banned there, dude.

65
00:04:00,491 --> 00:04:03,692
Yeah. Think about it. They... it's...
it's like it's the... the... the fucking...

66
00:04:03,786 --> 00:04:06,413
It's the most dangerous
film in the world.

67
00:04:06,414 --> 00:04:07,707
- It is.
- What's it called?

68
00:04:10,334 --> 00:04:13,420
Actually, you know what,
Baxter? You're right.

69
00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:15,214
It was an April Fool's prank.

70
00:04:15,506 --> 00:04:17,591
I'm sorry we brought you into this.

71
00:04:17,592 --> 00:04:19,593
You know, you should probably just...

72
00:04:19,594 --> 00:04:22,721
go on with your life and never
think about this again. Please.

73
00:04:22,722 --> 00:04:23,765
Wait.

74
00:04:24,599 --> 00:04:27,434
- What's so bad about it?
- You don't wanna know.

75
00:04:27,435 --> 00:04:28,770
What's so bad about it?

76
00:04:30,229 --> 00:04:33,523
Hey, slim!
What's so bad about it?

77
00:04:33,524 --> 00:04:35,359
- It can kill you.
- How?

78
00:04:35,777 --> 00:04:38,445
It can make you shit out
your intestines.

79
00:04:38,446 --> 00:04:40,363
It can make you bleed
out of your eyes.

80
00:04:40,364 --> 00:04:42,199
You know, one guy saw it,

81
00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:45,327
and he ran into a church, and
he just started humping the nuns.

82
00:04:45,328 --> 00:04:47,329
That was a huge story
a few years back.

83
00:04:47,330 --> 00:04:49,206
It can make you pull off
your own dick.

84
00:04:49,207 --> 00:04:50,791
Okay, why would you
want to watch it...

85
00:04:50,792 --> 00:04:52,334
if it can make you pull off
your own dick?

86
00:04:52,335 --> 00:04:53,461
Because...

87
00:04:53,628 --> 00:04:58,132
If you can watch it all the way
through from the beginning to end,

88
00:04:58,508 --> 00:05:02,261
you're rewarded beyond
your wildest dreams.

89
00:05:03,346 --> 00:05:07,475
With money. And sex.
And women.

90
00:05:08,267 --> 00:05:11,395
It's like that movie The Ring,
but with a good ending.

91
00:05:11,521 --> 00:05:14,398
- Yeah. And boobs.
- Lots of boobs.

92
00:05:14,649 --> 00:05:17,109
So what's this movie called?

93
00:05:19,237 --> 00:05:20,404
<i>Movie.</i>

94
00:05:21,364 --> 00:05:23,533
<i>- Forty-three.
- Movie forty-three.</i>

95
00:05:27,245 --> 00:05:28,412
It's not on Zwoogle.

96
00:05:29,372 --> 00:05:31,791
Yeah, of course it's not
on Zwoogle. It's banned!

97
00:05:32,667 --> 00:05:35,335
Okay. Then I guess
we'll need to dig deeper.

98
00:05:35,336 --> 00:05:37,547
Visit some dark corners
of the Internet.

99
00:05:37,588 --> 00:05:40,549
Mm, yeah, the dark
corners, dude.

100
00:05:40,550 --> 00:05:42,385
Yeah, get in there.
We gotta find this thing.

101
00:05:43,135 --> 00:05:45,512
I found a cloaked server
that houses banned videos.

102
00:05:45,513 --> 00:05:48,515
Start out with the forty-third one
on the list. Sound good?

103
00:05:48,516 --> 00:05:51,142
Yes! Yeah, you guys keep
working on this.

104
00:05:51,143 --> 00:05:54,688
I'm gonna go guard the door
for the uh, FBI,

105
00:05:54,689 --> 00:05:56,691
the CIA, and Mom.

106
00:05:57,567 --> 00:05:59,318
Look at this. Check it out.

107
00:06:00,736 --> 00:06:03,447
Hey. Ooh! You look good.

108
00:06:03,573 --> 00:06:05,740
Hope you're almost ready.
He's gonna be here any second.

109
00:06:05,741 --> 00:06:08,577
I don't know why I'm doing this,
Pam. I don't trust Julie.

110
00:06:08,578 --> 00:06:12,205
- I mean, what if this guy's a loser?
- He's not a loser.

111
00:06:12,206 --> 00:06:14,124
He made senior partner at his law
firm by the time he was,

112
00:06:14,125 --> 00:06:15,209
like, twenty-eight.

113
00:06:15,334 --> 00:06:17,587
So all he cares about is
his career and money.

114
00:06:18,337 --> 00:06:21,590
Mm, not according to Julie. He's a
volunteer with the Special Olympics,

115
00:06:21,591 --> 00:06:23,551
he's on the board of
the New York Philharmonic...

116
00:06:23,634 --> 00:06:25,720
He's opening a new restaurant
with Derek Jeter!

117
00:06:26,137 --> 00:06:28,763
But he's probably got one of those
awkward character faces...

118
00:06:28,764 --> 00:06:31,350
that sort of really has
to grow on you, right?

119
00:06:32,602 --> 00:06:36,355
Mr. "Character Face" is on
the cover of Gotham Magazine.

120
00:06:37,607 --> 00:06:39,567
- That's him?
- That's him.

121
00:06:42,486 --> 00:06:43,571
Yeah.

122
00:06:47,366 --> 00:06:48,491
And he's here. Go.

123
00:06:48,492 --> 00:06:50,076
- Do I look okay?
- Gorgeous.

124
00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:51,328
- You sure?
- Have fun!

125
00:06:51,329 --> 00:06:52,455
<i>Bye!</i>

126
00:06:57,376 --> 00:06:58,752
- I mean, you gotta be kidding.
- Several of them.

127
00:06:58,753 --> 00:07:02,088
I'm telling you, don't knock
shopping on TV until you've tried it.

128
00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:03,757
Beth, I think-I think you're
the first person I've ever met...

129
00:07:03,758 --> 00:07:05,175
who actually buys
stuff off television.

130
00:07:05,176 --> 00:07:06,376
- No! Come on!
- No, it's true.

131
00:07:06,510 --> 00:07:08,511
Oh, well where do you think
I got this scarf?

132
00:07:08,512 --> 00:07:11,389
And you know what?
I bet it's softer than yours.

133
00:07:11,390 --> 00:07:13,266
Okay. See, that's where
I draw the line.

134
00:07:13,267 --> 00:07:15,101
Do not start putting down the scarf.

135
00:07:15,102 --> 00:07:17,604
Here. Feel this. One-hundred
percent pashmina.

136
00:07:17,605 --> 00:07:19,773
Well, at least that's what
the guy on the street told me.

137
00:07:19,774 --> 00:07:22,692
Come on, then. Wow, that is soft.
Well, you know, I...

138
00:07:22,693 --> 00:07:25,488
Hey, Mr. H. Table's ready, sir.

139
00:07:25,613 --> 00:07:26,656
Great.

140
00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:28,532
- I'll take those.
- Thank you.

141
00:07:29,116 --> 00:07:30,283
- Please.
- Our table's ready.

142
00:07:30,284 --> 00:07:31,285
Thank you.

143
00:07:31,410 --> 00:07:32,495
After you.

144
00:07:35,498 --> 00:07:40,419
So, um, Carrie tells me you design
clothes for kids. No?

145
00:07:40,544 --> 00:07:42,672
Yes. Clothes for kids. I design...

146
00:07:43,631 --> 00:07:46,383
clothes... for kids. Kids clothes.

147
00:07:46,384 --> 00:07:47,676
Awesome. Awesome.

148
00:07:47,677 --> 00:07:51,722
So, if I see some kids looking weird
this summer, it may be your fault, huh?

149
00:07:53,516 --> 00:07:55,142
I'm just joking. I'm just joking.

150
00:07:55,726 --> 00:07:58,103
Your Russian Standard Vodka, sir.

151
00:07:58,104 --> 00:07:59,689
Am I that predictable, Abby?

152
00:08:01,691 --> 00:08:03,525
Eh... Yeah, you good with that? Or would
you prefer a glass of wine or...?

153
00:08:03,526 --> 00:08:07,530
No. No, I... I could, use it.

154
00:08:07,571 --> 00:08:08,698
Thank you.

155
00:08:11,283 --> 00:08:14,328
So, here's to a, Here's to
a wonderful evening. Cheers.

156
00:08:16,122 --> 00:08:17,456
Cheers.

157
00:08:22,003 --> 00:08:23,546
Those Russians know something.

158
00:08:26,549 --> 00:08:29,593
This is... a nice place.

159
00:08:29,719 --> 00:08:32,722
Oh, it's great. This pl...
Oh, you gotta check out the ceiling.

160
00:08:32,805 --> 00:08:34,723
Those beams were taken out...

161
00:08:34,724 --> 00:08:37,308
of this old Quaker meetinghouse
out in rural Pennsylvania.

162
00:08:37,309 --> 00:08:41,731
I mean, look. It's all oak. Isn't
that something? It's gorgeous, huh?

163
00:08:42,523 --> 00:08:43,732
Oh, wow, Jake. What's this?

164
00:08:43,733 --> 00:08:48,737
Well, Mr. H, this is a vichyssoise
courtesy of Chef Billy.

165
00:08:48,738 --> 00:08:50,655
Now, he heard that you guys
were coming in tonight,

166
00:08:50,656 --> 00:08:53,408
so he's put together a special
four-course meal for you.

167
00:08:53,409 --> 00:08:54,744
Lobster okay tonight?

168
00:08:55,077 --> 00:08:57,203
That's okay with me
if it's okay with you,

169
00:08:57,204 --> 00:08:58,998
un-unless you wanna
check out the menu.

170
00:08:59,248 --> 00:09:01,541
Beth? Unless you wanna
check out the menu, or...?

171
00:09:01,542 --> 00:09:03,502
- No, that's sounds lovely.
- Right.

172
00:09:04,336 --> 00:09:05,336
Terrific.

173
00:09:05,337 --> 00:09:07,548
Please thank the chef.
Thank you.

174
00:09:08,257 --> 00:09:09,467
<i>Bon Appétit.</i>

175
00:09:13,637 --> 00:09:16,766
Oh, you've, got something on your...

176
00:09:17,349 --> 00:09:20,770
Something on my neck? Leave it to me
to embarrass myself on a first date.

177
00:09:23,272 --> 00:09:24,356
Here...

178
00:09:24,774 --> 00:09:26,649
There? There? I got it?

179
00:09:26,650 --> 00:09:30,236
A little bit... bit more on-on
the left b... ball... One.

180
00:09:30,237 --> 00:09:33,157
Uh, left side. Of...
Dribbly bit.

181
00:09:36,702 --> 00:09:41,039
Thanks. I mean, no biggie. Trust me,
I've been through worse. I mean, as...

182
00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:44,460
As a kid, I used to get made
fun of all the time.

183
00:09:44,502 --> 00:09:47,128
Was it, because of your...

184
00:09:47,129 --> 00:09:49,672
My stutter. I... I used to have
a really bad stutter.

185
00:09:49,673 --> 00:09:53,385
Actually took probably nine years of
speech therapy to get rid of it.

186
00:10:03,687 --> 00:10:09,276
So, was there anything else they...
may have made fun of?

187
00:10:11,570 --> 00:10:14,030
- I don't know.
- Anything at all?

188
00:10:14,031 --> 00:10:17,158
Oh, yeah, some kids used to talk
a little smack about my neck.

189
00:10:17,159 --> 00:10:19,203
- You know.
- Oh, thank God!

190
00:10:20,079 --> 00:10:23,082
- What's up?
- I thought I was going crazy. I...

191
00:10:23,207 --> 00:10:24,291
What?

192
00:10:24,500 --> 00:10:28,711
I mean... not a big deal...
at all.

193
00:10:28,712 --> 00:10:33,050
It's just, what is the story there?

194
00:10:34,969 --> 00:10:38,555
Well, when I was six, I fell off my bike
and I landed on a sprinkler head...

195
00:10:38,556 --> 00:10:41,099
and they had to stitch me up
at the hospital.

196
00:10:41,100 --> 00:10:43,561
See, it's, it's just a scar. Right?

197
00:10:44,061 --> 00:10:47,189
I mean, kids could be mean.
They used to call me Frankenstein.

198
00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:52,611
They're like,
"He's alive. He's alive!"

199
00:10:55,531 --> 00:10:58,325
Well, I don't care, you know.
Kids make fun of everything, right?

200
00:10:59,577 --> 00:11:02,538
Is it just me or did it suddenly
get a little chilly in here?

201
00:11:05,749 --> 00:11:07,334
I think it may be that vent there.

202
00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:12,088
- Here we are.
- Man! Look at the size of those things.

203
00:11:12,089 --> 00:11:15,091
Oh, Jake, buddy, would you mind
turning up the heat just a tad?

204
00:11:15,092 --> 00:11:17,452
I think that, that vent's blowing
right on... not a problem.

205
00:11:18,095 --> 00:11:19,137
Thank you.

206
00:11:19,138 --> 00:11:20,471
And, uh, just let me go ahead and...

207
00:11:20,472 --> 00:11:22,765
- Sure.
- Get this out of your way here.

208
00:11:22,766 --> 00:11:24,268
Oh, God! Are you... Are you okay?

209
00:11:26,145 --> 00:11:27,771
It's my stomach. There's...

210
00:11:30,024 --> 00:11:31,609
Just get my breath back, you know.

211
00:11:33,569 --> 00:11:35,486
There he is! There's the stud!

212
00:11:35,487 --> 00:11:37,156
Hey! Angie! Ray!

213
00:11:37,364 --> 00:11:39,032
Hey, how the hell are you guys?
You're good?

214
00:11:39,033 --> 00:11:40,701
Apparently not as good as you.

215
00:11:41,035 --> 00:11:43,578
Hi, I'm Angie and this is
my husband Ray.

216
00:11:43,579 --> 00:11:46,372
- Hi.
- This is my new friend, Beth.

217
00:11:46,373 --> 00:11:48,583
She's slowly restoring
my faith in blind dates.

218
00:11:48,584 --> 00:11:50,126
Well, kudos to you, Beth,

219
00:11:50,127 --> 00:11:52,253
for getting this old workaholic
out of his office for once.

220
00:11:52,254 --> 00:11:53,714
Come on. Come on, Ray.

221
00:11:53,797 --> 00:11:57,051
Nice work!
You caught the big one!

222
00:11:57,134 --> 00:11:58,177
Did I?

223
00:11:59,637 --> 00:12:01,054
But... Do you not notice the...

224
00:12:01,055 --> 00:12:04,433
- Look how big little Evan's getting!
- Yeah. Little?

225
00:12:04,725 --> 00:12:07,269
Yeah. He's growing like crazy.

226
00:12:08,812 --> 00:12:10,397
- No.
- Who's a big boy?

227
00:12:10,689 --> 00:12:13,609
Who's a big boy, huh?

228
00:12:14,068 --> 00:12:17,070
Wow, Ray, he's a monster. You got
yourself a little linebacker here.

229
00:12:17,071 --> 00:12:19,405
A little linebacker that needs
to go to bed!

230
00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:21,700
Okay. You're off to bed.
There you go.

231
00:12:22,701 --> 00:12:25,620
- Fumble.
- Another pacifier down.

232
00:12:25,621 --> 00:12:26,747
I got it.

233
00:12:28,082 --> 00:12:29,750
Thanks, buddy. Thanks bud.

234
00:12:30,292 --> 00:12:31,626
Here, bud. Angie?

235
00:12:31,627 --> 00:12:33,169
You guys look so cute.
I gotta take a picture.

236
00:12:33,170 --> 00:12:34,213
Really?

237
00:12:35,089 --> 00:12:37,173
- Angie, please.
- Hey, let-let the man eat, honey.

238
00:12:37,174 --> 00:12:39,550
Come on, Ray. We have a picture
of our first date.

239
00:12:39,551 --> 00:12:41,427
They should have a picture of theirs.

240
00:12:41,428 --> 00:12:45,306
Come on, get your fanny over there
behind her and don't be shy.

241
00:12:45,307 --> 00:12:48,643
- All right. Okay, okay. All right.
- Okay.

242
00:12:48,644 --> 00:12:50,479
- I'm sorry about this.
- Get in close.

243
00:12:50,688 --> 00:12:53,190
Beth, I'm gonna need
you to hold still.

244
00:12:53,315 --> 00:12:55,191
Oh, God, they look so...

245
00:12:55,192 --> 00:12:58,111
Get down! Get your face down
next to hers! Come on!

246
00:12:58,112 --> 00:13:00,322
Take it. Take it. Take it, take it,
take it, take it.

247
00:13:00,739 --> 00:13:02,992
- So good!
- How's that?

248
00:13:04,118 --> 00:13:05,702
Now why don't you give
each other a little kiss?

249
00:13:05,703 --> 00:13:07,120
Oh, come on.
Angie, we just met.

250
00:13:07,121 --> 00:13:09,205
Come on, let 'em eat!
Let the man eat!

251
00:13:09,206 --> 00:13:10,999
- Come on! Just a little kiss.
- All right, all right.

252
00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:13,459
We'll do one, one kiss
on the forehead.

253
00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:14,460
- One peck on the forehead.
- We don't need to.

254
00:13:14,461 --> 00:13:15,712
- Ready? Okay.
- We really don't.

255
00:13:15,713 --> 00:13:17,089
We don't need...

256
00:13:19,341 --> 00:13:22,469
The fuck, man! Keep looking.

257
00:13:25,139 --> 00:13:27,474
Let's try the forty-second one.

258
00:13:28,100 --> 00:13:29,101
Yeah, yeah, good idea.

259
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:35,024
Boobs.

260
00:13:37,151 --> 00:13:39,486
Pornography with viruses.

261
00:13:41,113 --> 00:13:43,157
Yeah, Baxter, you're going down.

262
00:13:43,699 --> 00:13:45,117
Keep looking.

263
00:13:52,166 --> 00:13:54,542
It's uh, roast Sumatra.
I grind the beans myself.

264
00:13:54,543 --> 00:13:57,170
Hey, thanks again for dinner.
You really didn't have to do this.

265
00:13:57,171 --> 00:13:58,171
Oh, please.

266
00:13:58,172 --> 00:13:59,547
What kind of neighbors would we be...

267
00:13:59,548 --> 00:14:01,424
if we didn't have you over
for a welcome dinner?

268
00:14:01,425 --> 00:14:05,053
Sean, Samantha was just saying
that they homeschool their son.

269
00:14:05,054 --> 00:14:06,179
Oh, that is interesting.

270
00:14:06,180 --> 00:14:08,556
Well, we just think it's
the only way to make sure...

271
00:14:08,557 --> 00:14:11,185
that he gets the best
education possible.

272
00:14:11,268 --> 00:14:13,186
You should really consider
it for your kids.

273
00:14:13,187 --> 00:14:15,980
Hey, you know, Kevin's upstairs
doing his homework right now.

274
00:14:15,981 --> 00:14:17,523
I'm sure he'd love to talk
to you guys about it.

275
00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:21,195
Wait. He... So you homeschool your son
but he still gets homework?

276
00:14:23,655 --> 00:14:26,199
It's very important to us
that Kevin has...

277
00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:29,286
a normal and complete
high school experience.

278
00:14:31,080 --> 00:14:36,084
Written assignments are to be done in
black ink. Not green or blue or pink.

279
00:14:36,085 --> 00:14:39,171
When are you gonna get that through
your thick skull, Mr. Morris?

280
00:14:40,005 --> 00:14:41,173
It's Miller.

281
00:14:41,590 --> 00:14:43,300
That's a detention.

282
00:14:44,176 --> 00:14:47,220
Move, move, move, move, move!
Pick it up! Pick it up!

283
00:14:47,221 --> 00:14:49,431
Come on, girlfriend,
pick your knees up!

284
00:14:51,016 --> 00:14:52,558
Oh, I... I see. It's...

285
00:14:52,559 --> 00:14:56,562
But don't you feel like maybe he's,
I don't know, missing out?

286
00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:59,107
Yeah, high school is about more
than just classes and homework.

287
00:14:59,108 --> 00:15:02,235
Absolutely. There's
the alienation, the loneliness.

288
00:15:02,236 --> 00:15:05,238
It should be the unhappiest
time in a boy's life.

289
00:15:05,239 --> 00:15:06,364
That's why we try to make sure...

290
00:15:06,365 --> 00:15:09,450
that Kevin doesn't miss out
on any of those essential...

291
00:15:09,451 --> 00:15:13,122
emotionally scarring experiences
that he'd get at a regular school.

292
00:15:15,332 --> 00:15:16,333
Fag!

293
00:15:17,709 --> 00:15:19,128
Faggot!

294
00:15:21,713 --> 00:15:24,133
You dropped your books, fuckface!

295
00:15:31,723 --> 00:15:34,059
Jesus! Dad, what the fuck!

296
00:15:34,726 --> 00:15:36,603
Whoa. You've got weird pubes.

297
00:15:37,229 --> 00:15:40,732
Hey, guys! Come check out
this kid's weird pubes!

298
00:15:41,150 --> 00:15:44,277
Still, it must be an awful lot
of work for you guys, though.

299
00:15:44,278 --> 00:15:47,280
Oh, sure, there is.
But we love it.

300
00:15:47,281 --> 00:15:49,824
I think we've put together
a pretty comprehensive plan...

301
00:15:49,825 --> 00:15:53,370
that provides Kevin with every
important adolescent experience.

302
00:15:54,037 --> 00:15:55,598
You know, socializing
with other kids...

303
00:16:07,050 --> 00:16:09,178
Hey. Kevin, right?

304
00:16:10,971 --> 00:16:12,181
Can I please come in?

305
00:16:13,765 --> 00:16:15,516
Look, Debbie Clark's here,

306
00:16:15,517 --> 00:16:18,520
the girl you asked out before.
It's gonna be awkward.

307
00:16:24,318 --> 00:16:27,278
Sorry. No. Sorry, sorry.
No. Sorry. Okay, okay.

308
00:16:27,279 --> 00:16:29,198
Mom. Mom, please no, wait.
Mom, just... if I...

309
00:16:35,537 --> 00:16:37,331
Extracurricular activities.

310
00:16:38,457 --> 00:16:40,000
What do you do?

311
00:16:40,792 --> 00:16:42,085
I suck.

312
00:16:42,336 --> 00:16:43,545
What do you suck?

313
00:16:45,130 --> 00:16:47,131
- Dicks.
- Louder!

314
00:16:47,132 --> 00:16:49,675
- I suck dicks! I suck dicks!
- Like you mean it!

315
00:16:49,676 --> 00:16:52,553
I suck dicks, I suck dicks,
I suck 'em all the time!

316
00:16:52,554 --> 00:16:54,472
If you were a superhero,
what would your superpower be?

317
00:16:54,473 --> 00:16:56,682
My superpower would be
sucking dicks!

318
00:16:56,683 --> 00:17:00,354
Dude. You have so much
poop on you right now.

319
00:17:02,147 --> 00:17:04,607
And of course the first kiss...

320
00:17:04,608 --> 00:17:08,070
that should be the most awkward
moment in any boy's life.

321
00:17:12,449 --> 00:17:16,328
Emily and Kara said
we should go all the way.

322
00:17:18,747 --> 00:17:20,374
What do you think?

323
00:17:51,780 --> 00:17:53,282
Um, do you have protection?

324
00:17:56,118 --> 00:17:57,369
So, dude.

325
00:17:58,412 --> 00:18:00,789
Don't tell Jeff or any
of those guys, but...

326
00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:03,667
I just wanted to say that...

327
00:18:06,253 --> 00:18:08,046
if I did like guys...

328
00:18:10,257 --> 00:18:13,051
you'd totally be the kind
of guy that I'd like.

329
00:18:17,389 --> 00:18:18,765
This is weird.

330
00:18:26,815 --> 00:18:28,567
I didn't mean any of that.

331
00:18:30,068 --> 00:18:31,278
Just talking, you know?

332
00:18:31,570 --> 00:18:33,279
Wow.

333
00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:36,282
I don't think I'll ever forget
the first time Kevin told us that...

334
00:18:36,283 --> 00:18:38,701
he wished he'd never been born.

335
00:18:38,702 --> 00:18:42,080
- He was only twelve.
- Precocious kid.

336
00:18:42,164 --> 00:18:44,290
You know, studies show
that the average child...

337
00:18:44,291 --> 00:18:46,709
doesn't express that kind of
self-loathing till they're fifteen.

338
00:18:46,710 --> 00:18:48,420
I bet.

339
00:18:50,297 --> 00:18:51,340
Here he comes.

340
00:18:52,716 --> 00:18:55,301
Hey, honey.
Meet the neighbors.

341
00:18:55,302 --> 00:18:59,180
Kevin, this is Sean and Clare. They
moved into the house three doors down.

342
00:18:59,181 --> 00:19:01,432
Oh, the Yeagers' old place. Great.

343
00:19:01,433 --> 00:19:03,100
Yeah, I'm, um, I'm... I'm Kevin.

344
00:19:03,101 --> 00:19:05,186
Uh, pleased to meet you.
Welcome to the neighborhood.

345
00:19:05,187 --> 00:19:07,814
- Nice to meet you, too.
- Thank you. That's so polite. That's...

346
00:19:08,482 --> 00:19:10,733
I'm heading out. A bunch of us are
gonna meet up at The Green.

347
00:19:10,734 --> 00:19:12,319
Ooh, The Green.

348
00:19:12,444 --> 00:19:14,737
And, uh, yes,
I finished my homework.

349
00:19:14,738 --> 00:19:17,573
Oh, and Jen and I are gonna
catch a movie afterwards,

350
00:19:17,574 --> 00:19:18,741
so I won't be home until late.

351
00:19:18,742 --> 00:19:21,745
Oh, that's fine. Just make
sure you say hello from us.

352
00:19:24,122 --> 00:19:25,707
Jen, my mom says hi.

353
00:19:27,334 --> 00:19:28,377
Hello, Jen.

354
00:19:29,127 --> 00:19:32,339
Hello, Mrs. Miller.
I'm the pretty girl.

355
00:19:33,507 --> 00:19:34,758
She is.

356
00:19:36,343 --> 00:19:39,137
- You guys have fun tonight.-
All right.

357
00:19:40,222 --> 00:19:41,347
Nice meeting you!

358
00:19:41,348 --> 00:19:43,475
So. Who wants cake?

359
00:19:44,351 --> 00:19:46,353
Creepy. Let's move on.

360
00:19:46,603 --> 00:19:48,480
Keep searching, dude.

361
00:20:06,498 --> 00:20:07,540
Hi.

362
00:20:07,541 --> 00:20:10,042
- There.
- Oh, wow.

363
00:20:10,043 --> 00:20:12,254
Now it's a picnic.

364
00:20:12,379 --> 00:20:14,797
Would you care for
a chocolate-covered strawberry?

365
00:20:14,798 --> 00:20:18,510
Oh my gosh, sweetie.
Talk about romantic.

366
00:20:18,552 --> 00:20:20,511
This is perfect!

367
00:20:20,512 --> 00:20:23,514
Julie, we've been together
for over a year...

368
00:20:23,515 --> 00:20:26,017
Sixteen months and two weeks.

369
00:20:27,394 --> 00:20:32,566
And in that time, I've come to realize
that you mean everything to me.

370
00:20:33,525 --> 00:20:35,569
Oh, Doug. You, too.

371
00:20:37,529 --> 00:20:39,321
And there's something
I want to ask you.

372
00:20:39,322 --> 00:20:41,533
There's something
I'd like to ask you.

373
00:20:42,409 --> 00:20:44,410
Okay, uh, you go first.

374
00:20:44,411 --> 00:20:46,245
- No, you go first.
- No, you first.

375
00:20:46,246 --> 00:20:47,414
No, you first.

376
00:20:47,789 --> 00:20:50,542
How about we say it
at the same time?

377
00:20:50,709 --> 00:20:51,793
Okay.

378
00:20:53,545 --> 00:20:55,797
- One, two...
- One, two.

379
00:20:56,089 --> 00:20:57,549
Will you poop on me?

380
00:20:59,259 --> 00:21:02,053
- What?
- Will you poop on me?

381
00:21:02,596 --> 00:21:04,055
What? What are you...

382
00:21:05,432 --> 00:21:06,599
Wait, what did-
what did you say?

383
00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:09,810
I... I trust you. I feel like
you're my soul mate.

384
00:21:09,811 --> 00:21:13,606
I want to give you this gift.
I want you to be my first.

385
00:21:13,607 --> 00:21:16,359
To poop...

386
00:21:16,443 --> 00:21:18,111
On me. What?

387
00:21:18,820 --> 00:21:21,614
You don't want to?

388
00:21:21,615 --> 00:21:23,240
No, I... I mean...

389
00:21:23,241 --> 00:21:24,742
Are you not attracted
to me anymore?

390
00:21:24,743 --> 00:21:27,453
Of course I'm attracted
to you, honey.

391
00:21:27,454 --> 00:21:30,457
So will you? Poop on me?

392
00:21:34,586 --> 00:21:37,464
Ah, man. You just hit
the fucking lottery, man.

393
00:21:38,465 --> 00:21:42,510
You don't think it's a little weird
for wanting him to shit on her?

394
00:21:42,511 --> 00:21:46,306
Slow down, man. Have some
respect for this guy, okay?

395
00:21:46,473 --> 00:21:48,265
She did not ask him to shit on her.

396
00:21:48,266 --> 00:21:49,642
Shitting is something
you do on a whore.

397
00:21:49,643 --> 00:21:51,101
- Right.
- Right?

398
00:21:51,102 --> 00:21:53,730
Pooping is a gift you give
to your soul mate.

399
00:21:54,523 --> 00:21:56,732
- 'Course.
- I never looked at it like that.

400
00:21:56,733 --> 00:21:59,652
So tell me, man, what's on the menu?
Before you do the big deed.

401
00:21:59,653 --> 00:22:02,280
I don't... I don't know.
Does it fucking matter?

402
00:22:02,489 --> 00:22:05,491
- Is she a vegetarian?
- No.

403
00:22:05,492 --> 00:22:09,620
Boom! Big beef burrito, with
extra beans on that bad boy.

404
00:22:09,621 --> 00:22:12,122
Put some salsa,
some guacamole for color.

405
00:22:12,123 --> 00:22:14,667
When it come out of you, it's a
festival. You know what I'm saying?

406
00:22:14,668 --> 00:22:17,628
You went the extra yard
for your lady. You hear me?

407
00:22:17,629 --> 00:22:19,672
No, I'm doing something
classy, okay?

408
00:22:19,673 --> 00:22:23,426
I'm doing seared ahi tuna steaks,
a salad, and red wine.

409
00:22:23,510 --> 00:22:25,678
- No. No, no, no! Fuckin' no!
- Nice.

410
00:22:25,679 --> 00:22:30,141
It's not about how fancy it goes in.
It's about how fancy it comes out.

411
00:22:30,642 --> 00:22:34,144
Well... And believe me, Mexican
food makes a fuckin' mess.

412
00:22:34,145 --> 00:22:35,563
And don't mess with fuckin' salads.

413
00:22:35,564 --> 00:22:37,773
You know what salad does?
It locks down your bowels.

414
00:22:37,774 --> 00:22:40,527
You don't want your bowels
all locked down, do you? No.

415
00:22:41,069 --> 00:22:43,279
Drinks are cool.
Have a few fuckin' drinks.

416
00:22:43,280 --> 00:22:44,780
- Makes you last longer.
- Last longer?

417
00:22:44,781 --> 00:22:47,658
You don't want to be Mr. Two Squeeze,
Thank-You Please, right?

418
00:22:47,659 --> 00:22:50,369
- You really don't want to be that.
- Billy, goddamn, Billy.

419
00:22:50,370 --> 00:22:52,705
Why don't you go over there while
grown people are talking over here.

420
00:22:52,706 --> 00:22:54,582
Go over there and play with your
GI Joes or some shit, man.

421
00:22:54,583 --> 00:22:56,208
Yeah, I'll go over there.

422
00:22:56,209 --> 00:22:58,795
Look it. Take my advice
on this one.

423
00:22:59,337 --> 00:23:02,715
You go out tonight and you
shit on a few skanks. Okay?

424
00:23:02,716 --> 00:23:04,425
Get it all out your system.

425
00:23:04,426 --> 00:23:09,347
Fuckin' tomorrow, you are
a one-poop man.

426
00:23:09,681 --> 00:23:11,099
Understand?

427
00:23:13,101 --> 00:23:14,560
What the fuck is this?

428
00:23:14,561 --> 00:23:18,565
Viagra, brother.
Poop Viagra. Yeah.

429
00:23:19,190 --> 00:23:21,692
- Just carry that on you?
- Yeah, I carry that shit around on me.

430
00:23:21,693 --> 00:23:23,444
- At barbecues?
- You goddamn right.

431
00:23:23,445 --> 00:23:24,445
I got a meat problem.

432
00:23:24,446 --> 00:23:26,196
All your fuckin' meat,
I gotta clean that shit out.

433
00:23:26,197 --> 00:23:27,477
- Okay, yeah.
- Okay? Fine, then.

434
00:23:43,131 --> 00:23:45,383
<i>- I'm ready, sweetie.</i>
- Oh, fuck.

435
00:23:45,592 --> 00:23:46,718
One second.

436
00:24:17,624 --> 00:24:20,502
I love her. Hey, I love her.

437
00:24:27,759 --> 00:24:29,760
- Oh, oh! You look nice.
- Thank you.

438
00:24:29,761 --> 00:24:32,638
Okay. Let's go...

439
00:24:32,639 --> 00:24:35,517
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Honey.
What are you doing?

440
00:24:35,558 --> 00:24:38,644
What am I doing? I'm...
You know what I'm doing.

441
00:24:38,645 --> 00:24:40,062
I'm trying to, you know.

442
00:24:40,063 --> 00:24:45,068
Not yet, tiger. I wanna savor this.

443
00:24:45,276 --> 00:24:47,320
Oh, okay. Well,
I kinda... I kinda got to, uh...

444
00:24:47,654 --> 00:24:51,032
No, no, no, no. Come here.
Come here and kiss me,

445
00:24:51,324 --> 00:24:55,203
and then you can give me
your special present.

446
00:24:57,664 --> 00:25:00,666
- Tell me how much you love me.
- Oh, I love you so much.

447
00:25:00,667 --> 00:25:03,043
- How much?
- I love you so much I'd kill a man.

448
00:25:03,044 --> 00:25:04,087
Can we do this, please?

449
00:25:06,673 --> 00:25:10,093
- I bought this special lavender lotion.
- Okay.

450
00:25:10,218 --> 00:25:13,345
- Why don't you get my neck ready.
- You want it on your neck?

451
00:25:13,346 --> 00:25:15,347
Why? Does that not work for you?

452
00:25:15,348 --> 00:25:17,434
It's fine, it's fine. Here we go.

453
00:25:24,065 --> 00:25:25,232
That's nice.

454
00:25:25,233 --> 00:25:27,694
Okay, okay. There we go.
Let's get it and...

455
00:25:30,488 --> 00:25:33,700
- No. No. Not yet.
- What?

456
00:25:34,075 --> 00:25:36,578
- No. Come here.
- What?

457
00:25:37,704 --> 00:25:41,124
- You're so excited.
- I know. I can't stand it.

458
00:25:43,585 --> 00:25:46,336
Gosh. Remember the day
that we met?

459
00:25:46,337 --> 00:25:47,589
Yes.

460
00:25:47,714 --> 00:25:52,510
Did you ever think that someday
you'd be able to...

461
00:25:53,595 --> 00:25:56,263
- you know?
- Honestly, no. No, I didn't.

462
00:25:56,264 --> 00:25:58,349
Do you remember what
I was wearing that day?

463
00:25:59,726 --> 00:26:01,477
Baby, what was I wearing?

464
00:26:01,478 --> 00:26:03,479
- Do you remember what I was wearing?
- A yellow sun dress!

465
00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:05,523
Come on! Roll over and let me
shit on you, please!

466
00:26:06,733 --> 00:26:08,025
Excuse me?

467
00:26:08,026 --> 00:26:10,360
I'm sorry. Poop on you.
I meant poop on you.

468
00:26:10,361 --> 00:26:12,154
Honey, I would never shit on you.

469
00:26:12,155 --> 00:26:13,740
I would never shit on you. Honey?

470
00:26:14,032 --> 00:26:16,576
Come here. I love you! Fuck!

471
00:26:17,577 --> 00:26:19,162
Oh, I can't.

472
00:26:20,622 --> 00:26:22,540
Julie! Come back!

473
00:26:23,291 --> 00:26:26,628
Oh, baby, please! I love you!
I want you to marry you!

474
00:26:29,047 --> 00:26:30,757
Oh, my God! Doug, no!

475
00:26:34,010 --> 00:26:35,553
Oh, jeez!

476
00:26:38,014 --> 00:26:40,183
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

477
00:26:41,059 --> 00:26:44,436
- Doug! Doug! Call a fucking ambulance!
- I'm on it!

478
00:26:44,437 --> 00:26:48,441
Hold on. Hold on, baby, okay?
Hold on. You're gonna make it.

479
00:26:49,567 --> 00:26:51,069
Oh, Julie, I love you.

480
00:26:52,028 --> 00:26:53,530
I love you.

481
00:26:54,447 --> 00:26:57,283
All of this was for me?

482
00:26:58,409 --> 00:27:00,203
Yeah, I guess so.

483
00:27:00,703 --> 00:27:06,042
Oh, yeah? It's so beautiful. It's the
most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

484
00:27:07,043 --> 00:27:09,963
Yes... I will marry you.

485
00:27:10,713 --> 00:27:12,715
I will marry you, Doug.

486
00:27:23,059 --> 00:27:26,228
<i>CougarCrate, where the web's
hottest cougars hang out.</i>

487
00:27:26,229 --> 00:27:27,814
CougarCrate. Perfect.

488
00:27:28,064 --> 00:27:32,359
<i>Prepare yourselves, because
the cougars are on the prowl.</i>

489
00:27:32,360 --> 00:27:36,698
Look at you. You are nice.
I like that peace sign.

490
00:27:37,365 --> 00:27:38,992
Just warmin' up... What?

491
00:27:39,576 --> 00:27:40,742
- Calvin?
- Wh... What's going on?

492
00:27:40,743 --> 00:27:42,452
He's gone all Beautiful Mind on us.

493
00:27:42,453 --> 00:27:43,997
He's off the fuckin' grid.

494
00:27:44,998 --> 00:27:46,999
- Come on, Baxter. Think!
- Dude,

495
00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:48,458
he's taken this shit
to a whole new level.

496
00:27:48,459 --> 00:27:54,507
Everything...
divided by nine...

497
00:27:58,136 --> 00:28:02,222
Calvin, great. J.J. and I were trying
to delineate our search protocols.

498
00:28:02,223 --> 00:28:05,143
Can you tell me anything more about
this video? Where'd you hear about it?

499
00:28:05,393 --> 00:28:06,519
St-Stevie Schraeder.

500
00:28:07,020 --> 00:28:11,149
Stevie Schraeder. Stevie.

501
00:28:11,482 --> 00:28:14,402
Got it! It's time to bring
out the big guns.

502
00:28:17,655 --> 00:28:19,990
"Falcontron"? What's this?

503
00:28:19,991 --> 00:28:22,492
It's the most elite search
engine on the Internet.

504
00:28:22,493 --> 00:28:26,289
Only fifty humans have access.
Twelve are heads of state.

505
00:28:26,748 --> 00:28:28,498
So how do you have access to it?

506
00:28:28,499 --> 00:28:32,295
I hacked into the mainframe
of the Bundesnachrichtendienst.

507
00:28:33,129 --> 00:28:35,422
Stop making up words, Baxter.
Seriously.

508
00:28:35,423 --> 00:28:37,549
He does that all the time.
He just makes up...

509
00:28:37,550 --> 00:28:40,053
It's the German intelligence bureau.

510
00:28:40,762 --> 00:28:43,681
"Bureau"? It's not a word.

511
00:28:45,558 --> 00:28:47,769
<i>Attention P-Town shoppers:</i>

512
00:28:48,144 --> 00:28:51,314
<i>Be sure to check out our
insert in Sassy Lass magazine...</i>

513
00:28:51,522 --> 00:28:55,526
<i>for killer deals on the
Dr. Cole family of products.</i>

514
00:28:56,194 --> 00:29:01,198
<i>We're now offering a buy one
get one "Senior Prom" special...</i>

515
00:29:01,199 --> 00:29:04,077
<i>on lambskin condoms
and boxed wine.</i>

516
00:29:04,327 --> 00:29:07,079
<i>And don't forget our
"Deadbeat Dad" discount.</i> ..

517
00:29:07,080 --> 00:29:10,332
<i>On all disposable cameras
and whiffle ball bats.</i>

518
00:29:10,333 --> 00:29:12,210
Got a dry, itchy vag?

519
00:29:12,543 --> 00:29:16,339
Today, we are offering a two-for-one
deal on Beave Lotion.

520
00:29:17,048 --> 00:29:20,217
That's lotion for your beave
by Moisture Maid, ladies...

521
00:29:20,218 --> 00:29:25,098
now on sale on aisle four.
Be sure to check out...

522
00:29:31,062 --> 00:29:32,105
Neil.

523
00:29:32,438 --> 00:29:34,065
Veronica.

524
00:29:34,190 --> 00:29:35,233
Neil.

525
00:29:35,733 --> 00:29:37,109
You look pale.

526
00:29:37,110 --> 00:29:38,568
<i>You look pregnant.</i>

527
00:29:38,569 --> 00:29:41,071
You look like you slept
in a soup kitchen urinal.

528
00:29:41,072 --> 00:29:43,699
You look like you bathed in
a Dumpster behind the abortion clinic.

529
00:29:43,700 --> 00:29:46,076
You look like the kid who
got cancer for Christmas.

530
00:29:46,077 --> 00:29:48,078
You look like the slutty one
on The Golden Girls.

531
00:29:48,079 --> 00:29:49,746
- Dorothy?
- Blanche.

532
00:29:49,747 --> 00:29:52,207
You take that back!
You son of a bitch!

533
00:29:52,208 --> 00:29:54,127
You take it back!
Take that back!

534
00:29:58,006 --> 00:29:59,507
I want to taste you.

535
00:30:00,008 --> 00:30:03,136
I want to lick you till you weep.

536
00:30:10,101 --> 00:30:12,770
- How's your acid reflux?
- How's your HPV?

537
00:30:13,104 --> 00:30:15,272
It's your HPV, Veronica.
I'm just carrying it.

538
00:30:15,273 --> 00:30:18,108
Let's not have another
“chicken or the egg” debate, Neil.

539
00:30:18,109 --> 00:30:20,235
No. Let's.

540
00:30:20,236 --> 00:30:25,116
- Chicken.
- Egg.

541
00:30:26,534 --> 00:30:28,244
Your flesh...

542
00:30:29,162 --> 00:30:31,372
slick with cocoa butter...

543
00:30:33,291 --> 00:30:34,792
<i>it haunts me.</i>

544
00:30:40,256 --> 00:30:43,258
- How's Veronica?
- Veronica's fine, Veronica.

545
00:30:43,259 --> 00:30:45,177
I can't believe you named
your dog Veronica.

546
00:30:45,178 --> 00:30:47,554
Can't believe you sucked off that
hobo from Magic Bean.

547
00:30:47,555 --> 00:30:49,265
He was a wizard, Neil.

548
00:30:51,642 --> 00:30:53,561
Shh. I wanna be on you.

549
00:30:54,187 --> 00:30:55,521
<i>In you.</i>

550
00:31:00,651 --> 00:31:02,277
I wanna be...

551
00:31:02,278 --> 00:31:04,447
all...

552
00:31:09,202 --> 00:31:12,205
over your chin.

553
00:31:16,793 --> 00:31:19,212
Do you still like <i>créme brûlée?</i>

554
00:31:19,420 --> 00:31:22,339
Do you still like fingers
in your butthole?

555
00:31:22,340 --> 00:31:24,175
You know the answer is yes.

556
00:31:25,093 --> 00:31:26,176
Oh, Neil.

557
00:31:26,177 --> 00:31:27,720
Veronica.

558
00:31:28,096 --> 00:31:30,348
- Neil.
- Veronica.

559
00:31:30,681 --> 00:31:32,307
I wanna get over you.

560
00:31:32,308 --> 00:31:34,560
I wanna give you a hickey
on your vagina.

561
00:31:46,239 --> 00:31:48,616
You already have, Neil.

562
00:31:50,326 --> 00:31:52,203
You already have.

563
00:31:58,251 --> 00:32:00,086
I'll see you in church.

564
00:32:00,211 --> 00:32:01,629
Not if I see you f...

565
00:32:17,353 --> 00:32:18,396
May I?

566
00:32:22,525 --> 00:32:27,405
I'm no Romeo, folks,
but I know what love is.

567
00:32:27,530 --> 00:32:32,742
It's an over-the-chinos rub and tug
during your first AA meeting.

568
00:32:32,743 --> 00:32:34,244
Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

569
00:32:34,245 --> 00:32:36,371
And if I was in your shoes,

570
00:32:36,372 --> 00:32:41,543
I would climb Dick Mountain
mouth first just to get her back!

571
00:32:41,544 --> 00:32:42,670
Yes: Sir!

572
00:32:42,795 --> 00:32:45,672
Are we gonna let
that foxy little thing...

573
00:32:45,673 --> 00:32:48,800
run willy-nilly out
of this boy's life?

574
00:32:48,801 --> 00:32:50,385
No! No!

575
00:32:50,386 --> 00:32:52,304
Are we gonna help this youngster...

576
00:32:52,305 --> 00:32:55,141
take that sweet ass
to pound town?

577
00:32:56,267 --> 00:32:58,685
- When's your shift up?
- Five a.m.

578
00:32:58,686 --> 00:33:01,647
- I'll take it till three.
- I got three to five!

579
00:33:02,398 --> 00:33:03,441
Thank you.

580
00:33:04,650 --> 00:33:06,569
Don't be a bitch about it.

581
00:33:07,403 --> 00:33:08,696
Go get her, son!

582
00:33:17,330 --> 00:33:18,539
What's that?

583
00:33:44,065 --> 00:33:46,567
It's not as exciting
as you might think. It's... It's...

584
00:33:47,360 --> 00:33:50,445
For me, I like to say it's more about,
just like, helping people, you know.

585
00:33:50,446 --> 00:33:53,740
- It's not about punishing criminals...
- Right, yeah, I totally understand.

586
00:33:53,741 --> 00:33:55,617
- It's just, it makes you feel good...
- Robin!

587
00:33:55,618 --> 00:33:57,328
- Oh, no.
- Robin!

588
00:33:59,247 --> 00:34:00,456
Hey, Robin. Where you been?
Hi, how you doing.

589
00:34:00,581 --> 00:34:02,501
You missed your meeting
with your parole officer.

590
00:34:03,084 --> 00:34:05,502
- What? Parole officer?
- No. He's kidding.

591
00:34:05,503 --> 00:34:07,629
Yeah, yeah, this guy got in some
trouble a while back for...

592
00:34:07,630 --> 00:34:10,006
whipping out his little
Dick Grayson on a playground.

593
00:34:10,007 --> 00:34:11,174
No, I didn't.

594
00:34:11,175 --> 00:34:12,676
But, it's all good. I mean,
your wife forgave you, right?

595
00:34:12,677 --> 00:34:14,428
- What?
- You're married?

596
00:34:15,429 --> 00:34:17,430
- Married pervert. Yeah.
- No, I'm not!

597
00:34:17,431 --> 00:34:19,474
Stacey, I'm... I'm not married!
He's kidding!

598
00:34:19,475 --> 00:34:21,434
Oh, man. Dodged that bullet.

599
00:34:21,435 --> 00:34:23,603
The hell are you doing here, Batman!
You're gonna ruin this!

600
00:34:23,604 --> 00:34:25,438
Calm down!
Hey, look, I read on Twitter...

601
00:34:25,439 --> 00:34:28,275
that a super-villain's gonna bomb
this loser meet and greet.

602
00:34:28,276 --> 00:34:31,403
So I'm here to save the day,
like I do, all the time.

603
00:34:31,404 --> 00:34:32,529
I mean, you know, it's my thing.

604
00:34:32,530 --> 00:34:34,406
- I'm the Batman!
- Yeah, baloney!

605
00:34:34,407 --> 00:34:37,242
You're here to ruin my chances with
women like you do all the time.

606
00:34:37,243 --> 00:34:39,703
No way, brother! No way!
No, I'm-I'm in support of this.

607
00:34:39,704 --> 00:34:42,414
Get one more speed date, okay,
then we gotta find that bomb.

608
00:34:42,415 --> 00:34:44,250
Ah, this sucks.

609
00:34:45,459 --> 00:34:48,253
Uh, little tip. Uh, less boy,
more wonder, right?

610
00:34:48,254 --> 00:34:49,296
Ah, that's very clever.

611
00:34:49,297 --> 00:34:51,464
- Dazzle them!
- Yeah, okay. Thanks.

612
00:34:51,465 --> 00:34:52,466
Hi.

613
00:34:52,717 --> 00:34:55,427
- Oh, hi.
- Lois. Lois Lane.

614
00:34:55,428 --> 00:34:57,471
No, I... l know. I've... I've...

615
00:34:58,014 --> 00:35:00,682
it's... it's me, Robin.
We... We've met several times.

616
00:35:00,683 --> 00:35:04,227
- Robin what?
- Ro... Robin. That's it.

617
00:35:04,228 --> 00:35:06,438
I helped save you from Lex Luthor.

618
00:35:06,439 --> 00:35:07,480
Sorry.

619
00:35:07,481 --> 00:35:09,524
You were like, "I'll never forget
this as long as I live."

620
00:35:09,525 --> 00:35:10,776
Sorry again.

621
00:35:11,193 --> 00:35:13,486
- I thought you were dating Superman.
- No, no.

622
00:35:13,487 --> 00:35:16,406
- We broke up about six months ago.
- I didn't-l didn't know that.

623
00:35:16,407 --> 00:35:18,492
- He's been stalking me ever since.
- Really?

624
00:35:19,410 --> 00:35:21,662
Last night, I look out
my bedroom window,

625
00:35:22,038 --> 00:35:24,122
and there he is just floating there,

626
00:35:24,123 --> 00:35:27,542
just stroking that nasty little
curl, and masturbating!

627
00:35:27,543 --> 00:35:30,337
Blew his wad all over my window!

628
00:35:30,338 --> 00:35:33,214
- He broke the window!
- The, the... From the...

629
00:35:33,215 --> 00:35:36,218
Uh, his jizz is like a shotgun blast!

630
00:35:36,302 --> 00:35:38,763
You know that shiny stuff
in his hair? It's not hair gel.

631
00:35:41,057 --> 00:35:43,100
- Lois! Oh, my God!
- Oh, no!

632
00:35:43,142 --> 00:35:46,186
- Nice to see you!
- Nice to be seen! Oh, my goodness!

633
00:35:46,187 --> 00:35:47,187
No, no, no. Yeah, we're in the...

634
00:35:47,188 --> 00:35:49,230
- Do you know each other?
- Yeah, we work together.

635
00:35:49,231 --> 00:35:50,483
- You do?
- Hey, how's Superman?

636
00:35:51,525 --> 00:35:53,360
I'm gonna give him a call right now,
actually. I need...

637
00:35:53,361 --> 00:35:55,362
- No, no! Don't do that!
- Oh, no, I'm gonna do it.

638
00:35:55,363 --> 00:35:57,030
- Batman, don't. Please. Please.
- It's already ringing.

639
00:35:57,031 --> 00:35:59,783
Hey, Soups! What's up, brother!
It's the Dark Knight.

640
00:35:59,784 --> 00:36:01,326
Hey, man, I was just thinking
about you here...

641
00:36:01,327 --> 00:36:03,119
'cause I'm sitting with Lois...

642
00:36:03,120 --> 00:36:05,372
and she's on a date
with my boy, Robin.

643
00:36:05,373 --> 00:36:07,457
- No!
- Oh, he hung up. I lost him.

644
00:36:07,458 --> 00:36:10,293
Stay away from Lois
or I'll use my heat vision...

645
00:36:10,294 --> 00:36:14,090
to fuse your balls into
one big ridiculous uniball.

646
00:36:14,131 --> 00:36:15,340
Superman, you don't understand.

647
00:36:15,341 --> 00:36:17,635
I'm not here to hit on your
girlfriend. That's crazy!

648
00:36:17,718 --> 00:36:20,220
Batman and I are undercover
and we're looking for a bomb.

649
00:36:20,221 --> 00:36:23,556
Bomb? I don't give two
super-shits about a bomb.

650
00:36:23,557 --> 00:36:27,770
As long as I'm balls-deep
in Lois, I'm solid gold.

651
00:36:29,063 --> 00:36:31,273
Stay away from Lois, bitch!

652
00:36:31,732 --> 00:36:33,317
Goddammit!
That's his thing!

653
00:36:34,276 --> 00:36:35,610
No, so I told him, you know,

654
00:36:35,611 --> 00:36:37,278
"I mean, we're gonna
be fighting crime, buddy, so..."

655
00:36:37,279 --> 00:36:38,321
Oh, there he is.

656
00:36:38,322 --> 00:36:39,531
"Uh, you know, you should
put on some pants."

657
00:36:39,532 --> 00:36:41,324
But he liked the costume
the way it is, so,

658
00:36:41,325 --> 00:36:42,805
you know, what are
you gonna do. Kids.

659
00:36:43,035 --> 00:36:45,078
- Well... Thursday?
- Thursday it is!

660
00:36:45,079 --> 00:36:46,538
- See you then.
- All right, now.

661
00:36:46,539 --> 00:36:49,542
And, nice legs.

662
00:36:50,584 --> 00:36:52,585
You make me wear this.
He makes me wear this outfit!

663
00:36:52,586 --> 00:36:54,547
So unfair! I hate it!

664
00:36:56,590 --> 00:36:58,425
She's a hoot! All right,
that was your date. Let's go.

665
00:36:58,426 --> 00:37:01,553
- Bullcrap! That doesn't count!
- What do you mean that doesn't count?

666
00:37:01,554 --> 00:37:02,804
That was a girl, this was a date.

667
00:37:02,805 --> 00:37:04,606
Now, let's boogie.
We gotta go find that bomb.

668
00:37:05,307 --> 00:37:07,350
Please, just let me do one more.
That doesn't count. Please.

669
00:37:07,351 --> 00:37:09,602
Oh, my God, you're such a baby.
Go! Sit down. Fine.

670
00:37:09,603 --> 00:37:10,687
- Yes!
- Fine. Go ahead.

671
00:37:10,688 --> 00:37:12,397
Have fun. But you're not
gonna do it on your own.

672
00:37:12,398 --> 00:37:13,606
- Pop that in your ear.
- What's that?

673
00:37:13,607 --> 00:37:15,692
What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna
get underneath the table,

674
00:37:15,693 --> 00:37:19,612
hide down there and feed you lines
to help bag this next gal.

675
00:37:19,613 --> 00:37:21,239
Oh, right,
like Cyrano de Bergerac.

676
00:37:21,240 --> 00:37:23,158
I don't know what that is.
It's more like Roxanne.

677
00:37:23,159 --> 00:37:25,452
Okay, but look, I... I'd really
rather do this on my own.

678
00:37:25,453 --> 00:37:27,537
Okay, and I hear you, and I appreciate
what you're saying,

679
00:37:27,538 --> 00:37:29,790
- but I, you know, I'm gonna do it.
- Please don't.

680
00:37:30,541 --> 00:37:33,126
- I'm gonna do it.
- Batman, don't. Please, please, don't...

681
00:37:33,127 --> 00:37:36,338
Hi. Sorry, sorry I'm late.
There's a line in the bathroom.

682
00:37:36,630 --> 00:37:37,714
Hi. I'm Supergirl.

683
00:37:37,715 --> 00:37:39,675
- My name...
<i>- I'm Robin.</i>

684
00:37:40,593 --> 00:37:41,594
Hi, I'm Robin.

685
00:37:43,554 --> 00:37:44,679
Um, so where you from?

686
00:37:44,680 --> 00:37:47,224
- So, where you from?
- I... Um, Krypton.

687
00:37:48,684 --> 00:37:51,060
Krypton, eh. Where...
That's, that's, uh...

688
00:37:51,061 --> 00:37:52,562
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, shit!

689
00:37:52,563 --> 00:37:54,647
<i>- Dude, I can see her snatch.</i>
- Dude, I can sn...

690
00:37:54,648 --> 00:37:57,192
<i>Oh, my God! I can't believe
the size of this thing.</i>

691
00:37:57,193 --> 00:38:01,654
It's like a giant fucking cornfield.
It's enormous down here.

692
00:38:01,655 --> 00:38:05,241
It's crazy. Look at that.
I... I... I feel like at any moment,

693
00:38:05,242 --> 00:38:08,578
Shoeless Joe Jackson could walk out
of it and I could play catch with him.

694
00:38:08,579 --> 00:38:12,665
Krypton. I... I hear it's really nice.
I... I have never been...

695
00:38:12,666 --> 00:38:15,502
You didn't hear that the Sun supernova
and destroyed our entire race?

696
00:38:15,503 --> 00:38:17,003
I wanna wash dishes with it.

697
00:38:17,004 --> 00:38:19,422
Did it? I did not...

698
00:38:19,423 --> 00:38:22,133
It's a huge, bushy
catastrophe down here.

699
00:38:22,134 --> 00:38:24,594
Feel like Sean Penn should do
a benefit for this thing. It's...

700
00:38:24,595 --> 00:38:27,472
What? Oh, no.
You can hear him, can't you?

701
00:38:27,473 --> 00:38:28,599
Yeah, I can hear him.

702
00:38:30,226 --> 00:38:32,520
I can also see Batman
underneath the table.

703
00:38:32,686 --> 00:38:34,437
Cause of the x-ray vision.
Of course.

704
00:38:34,438 --> 00:38:38,400
No, I can just see him. It's a cafe
table. I mean, it's really obvious.

705
00:38:39,610 --> 00:38:40,694
- Hi.
- Hi.

706
00:38:41,695 --> 00:38:44,698
Ah, dude. I'm so sorry about
your family dying and...

707
00:38:46,283 --> 00:38:48,702
Oh, man! That took me back
to the seventies, huh?

708
00:38:49,703 --> 00:38:52,705
Hold on. There's our culprit.
It's the Penguin.

709
00:38:52,706 --> 00:38:54,666
Excuse me. I'm gonna go
do some Batman-ing.

710
00:38:54,667 --> 00:38:56,168
Do you need any... Can I help?

711
00:38:59,630 --> 00:39:02,007
Oh, it's hard to pick up with gloves.
There you go.

712
00:39:02,216 --> 00:39:04,717
Excuse me, sweetie. How you doing.
You mind fucking off for a little bit?

713
00:39:04,718 --> 00:39:06,427
Thank you. I appreciate it.
Thanks.

714
00:39:06,428 --> 00:39:07,720
- See you later, citizen.
- How dare you!

715
00:39:07,721 --> 00:39:10,724
You son of a bitch! Where's
the bomb, you fat fucker?

716
00:39:11,225 --> 00:39:13,435
- Hey! Asshole!
- Oh, shit.

717
00:39:13,644 --> 00:39:15,562
What do you think you are?
Some big man?

718
00:39:15,563 --> 00:39:17,480
Picking on a little fat guy?

719
00:39:17,481 --> 00:39:19,650
Take it easy! That's the Penguin.
That's what I do.

720
00:39:20,484 --> 00:39:21,734
Why didn't you call me?

721
00:39:21,735 --> 00:39:22,986
I... No... I...

722
00:39:22,987 --> 00:39:24,738
You said that you
were gonna call me.

723
00:39:25,030 --> 00:39:28,576
Wait a minute. Did I not? I know I
dialed a number... Did I not hit "send"?

724
00:39:29,368 --> 00:39:32,997
You said that you were gonna stick
by me no matter what happened.

725
00:39:33,497 --> 00:39:38,084
And then your little Bat-condom
breaks, and then you just disappear!

726
00:39:38,085 --> 00:39:42,464
Do you know what it's like going
to Planned Parenthood by yourself,

727
00:39:42,756 --> 00:39:44,508
when you're Wonder Woman?

728
00:39:44,758 --> 00:39:46,509
Okay. Not very romantic talk.

729
00:39:46,510 --> 00:39:49,221
Roe v. Wade here
at a speed dating situation.

730
00:39:49,471 --> 00:39:52,348
Uh, look, I was fighting crime!
Ask Robin. Robin, vouch for me.

731
00:39:52,349 --> 00:39:54,601
- He cries after sex. Do you know that?
- Why would I know that?

732
00:39:54,602 --> 00:39:57,562
Like a baby.
After sex, what do you say?

733
00:39:57,563 --> 00:40:00,607
"Oh, my soul's so dark."
Because you saw some bats...

734
00:40:00,608 --> 00:40:02,567
when you were little?
You pussy!

735
00:40:02,568 --> 00:40:05,487
Attention, Gotham City speed daters:

736
00:40:06,614 --> 00:40:08,197
How the fuck did he
get over there?

737
00:40:08,198 --> 00:40:11,284
It was all a clever ruse.
I'm not speed dating.

738
00:40:11,285 --> 00:40:13,287
Some of you should remember
I'm happily married.

739
00:40:13,704 --> 00:40:15,747
- That's right!
- You were all there at the wedding.

740
00:40:15,748 --> 00:40:17,999
- Okay, bomb strapped to my chest.
- Oh, yes. In any case,

741
00:40:18,000 --> 00:40:20,251
you all have to give me some
unimaginable sum of money...

742
00:40:20,252 --> 00:40:22,588
or else I'm going to blow up
Supergirl with this bomb.

743
00:40:24,465 --> 00:40:26,299
Dat dat dat dat! The detonator
is in this umbrella.

744
00:40:26,300 --> 00:40:27,635
- Cool it.
- No, you cool it.

745
00:40:28,636 --> 00:40:30,637
My non-monocled eye!
Where are you?

746
00:40:30,638 --> 00:40:31,764
Disarm!

747
00:40:33,057 --> 00:40:34,266
Yes!

748
00:40:36,644 --> 00:40:38,395
- Are you okay?
- I think so.

749
00:40:38,812 --> 00:40:41,023
You saved my life!

750
00:40:41,607 --> 00:40:43,067
Just-Just doing my job.

751
00:40:44,026 --> 00:40:45,444
Kiss. Kiss her.

752
00:40:47,071 --> 00:40:49,031
Open her mouth
and touch tongues.

753
00:40:54,078 --> 00:40:56,037
Put your tongue inside her mouth...

754
00:40:56,038 --> 00:40:58,624
and that'll coax her tongue
to go into your mouth!

755
00:41:00,459 --> 00:41:03,045
Yeah! You, uh, squeeze her boobies.

756
00:41:03,128 --> 00:41:04,672
Yeah, and touch her butt.

757
00:41:06,048 --> 00:41:08,050
- Doesn't that look nice?
- It looks so nice.

758
00:41:08,258 --> 00:41:11,053
Oh, yeah. Hold on!
Not so fast!

759
00:41:14,598 --> 00:41:16,057
Oh, God!

760
00:41:16,058 --> 00:41:17,476
- Riddler!
- Riddler!

761
00:41:18,352 --> 00:41:20,437
That is right! The Riddler!

762
00:41:20,771 --> 00:41:24,649
In a diabolical scheme to get Robin and
me to this speed date to stop a bomb,

763
00:41:24,650 --> 00:41:29,654
only to lure Robin away
to some seedy warehouse...

764
00:41:29,655 --> 00:41:33,449
where you're gonna hang him above
a vat filled with thumbtacks...

765
00:41:33,450 --> 00:41:35,661
or lizards or some fucking bullshit!

766
00:41:36,453 --> 00:41:37,704
Well it didn't work, muchacho!

767
00:41:37,705 --> 00:41:39,330
That was amazing.
How did you do that?

768
00:41:39,331 --> 00:41:41,374
I mean, how'd you know
that she was a fake?

769
00:41:41,375 --> 00:41:43,167
Bush that size is only good
for one thing,

770
00:41:43,168 --> 00:41:45,712
and that one thing is hidin' the wang!
You know what I'm saying?

771
00:41:45,713 --> 00:41:47,797
Wait. Let me get this straight.
So you knew all the way back then?

772
00:41:47,798 --> 00:41:49,716
- You knew that she was a dude?
- Whole time.

773
00:41:49,717 --> 00:41:51,551
Wh... Why'd you make me kiss her?

774
00:41:51,552 --> 00:41:53,512
Him. This.

775
00:41:53,554 --> 00:41:54,595
I don't know.

776
00:41:54,596 --> 00:41:57,683
I guess I woke up this morning with
a little case of the fuck-arounds.

777
00:41:58,100 --> 00:42:00,102
You know I'm just having fun.
My buddy! Woo!

778
00:42:19,747 --> 00:42:21,206
<i>Remember this?</i>

779
00:42:22,541 --> 00:42:23,709
<i>Ugly isn't it?</i>

780
00:42:30,132 --> 00:42:31,717
<i>But think how they feel.</i>

781
00:42:32,968 --> 00:42:35,971
<i>Working without thanks
to make your life better.</i>

782
00:42:47,733 --> 00:42:51,361
<i>Lonely, unloved, hurt.</i>

783
00:42:57,743 --> 00:43:01,163
<i>Physical, verbal, emotional abuse...</i>

784
00:43:01,747 --> 00:43:03,999
<i>to get what we want done.</i>

785
00:43:07,503 --> 00:43:09,713
<i>Can't you see
they're doing their best?</i>

786
00:43:17,221 --> 00:43:19,722
<i>They're not trying to take
over your world.</i>

787
00:43:19,723 --> 00:43:22,976
<i>They're just trying to find
a little place in your hearts.</i>

788
00:43:23,727 --> 00:43:28,023
<i>Remember, machines,
they're full of kids.</i>

789
00:43:35,572 --> 00:43:36,990
Dude, click the button.

790
00:43:38,158 --> 00:43:39,493
<i>Do not click the button.</i>

791
00:43:40,244 --> 00:43:42,996
<i>- Who the fuck are you?
- I am the Minotaur.</i>

792
00:43:43,205 --> 00:43:45,039
<i>You are in my maze.</i>

793
00:43:45,040 --> 00:43:47,208
Do you know where
we can find Movie 43?

794
00:43:47,209 --> 00:43:50,254
Movie 43? Movie 43?

795
00:43:50,754 --> 00:43:55,175
<i>Are you prepared to have your brains
butchered into tiny pieces?</i>

796
00:43:55,259 --> 00:44:00,055
<i>Are you prepared to have a starving
rat nibble out your eyeballs,</i>

797
00:44:00,097 --> 00:44:05,101
<i>and then have the holes fucked
by angry, thick-dicked wolves?</i>

798
00:44:05,102 --> 00:44:08,230
Dude, calm down. I think you're-
I think you're just confused.

799
00:44:08,647 --> 00:44:11,275
We're-we're talking about Movie 43.
You've never heard of that.

800
00:44:12,025 --> 00:44:14,194
Oh, yeah. She's here.

801
00:44:14,653 --> 00:44:17,030
I think we have a connection.

802
00:44:19,283 --> 00:44:22,618
<i>It is the one movie that can bring
down society as we know it.</i>

803
00:44:22,619 --> 00:44:25,496
No, dude. That's something
different. I guarantee it.

804
00:44:25,497 --> 00:44:30,042
<i>I have taken a vow to keep
anybody from viewing this film.</i>

805
00:44:30,043 --> 00:44:31,085
Dude, dude.

806
00:44:31,086 --> 00:44:34,464
This guy's for real. He's protected
by firewalls I've never even seen.

807
00:44:34,715 --> 00:44:36,048
We gotta click this button.

808
00:44:36,049 --> 00:44:38,552
<i>Do not click the button.</i>

809
00:44:39,303 --> 00:44:41,263
<i>Do not click the...</i>

810
00:44:42,556 --> 00:44:43,724
Suck it!

811
00:44:53,108 --> 00:44:57,112
Tyler De Soto. Fifteen.
Port St. Lucie, Florida.

812
00:44:57,279 --> 00:44:59,072
He only lost a finger.

813
00:45:05,287 --> 00:45:06,496
It's horrific.

814
00:45:07,497 --> 00:45:10,082
I'm still not seeing what
the problem is, though.

815
00:45:10,083 --> 00:45:11,126
Brian?

816
00:45:11,251 --> 00:45:15,297
The iBabe has an advanced
3.2 gigahertz processor.

817
00:45:15,339 --> 00:45:18,674
We left an opening for a vent and
then we placed a highly-efficient,

818
00:45:18,675 --> 00:45:23,430
super powerful micro-fan
in the opening.

819
00:45:24,139 --> 00:45:27,266
- And?
- The vent is in her,

820
00:45:27,267 --> 00:45:28,309
Lower quadrant.

821
00:45:28,310 --> 00:45:30,061
Vagi-port.

822
00:45:30,062 --> 00:45:31,687
- Vagina.
- Vagi-port.

823
00:45:31,688 --> 00:45:33,147
The vent is in the vagina.

824
00:45:33,148 --> 00:45:35,608
A certain percentage
of our younger demographic...

825
00:45:35,609 --> 00:45:39,154
are sticking their
you-know-what in the vent.

826
00:45:40,072 --> 00:45:41,155
No, I don't know what.

827
00:45:41,156 --> 00:45:43,575
Kids are sticking
their penises in the vent.

828
00:45:44,076 --> 00:45:46,745
The fan then mangles
their penises.

829
00:45:47,120 --> 00:45:48,120
Disgusting!

830
00:45:48,121 --> 00:45:50,539
Sir, the iBabe is a...

831
00:45:50,540 --> 00:45:53,125
High fidelity music player.

832
00:45:53,126 --> 00:45:56,546
Yes, it also looks and feels
exactly like a naked woman.

833
00:45:57,381 --> 00:46:01,593
Teenage boys are physically
attracted to naked women.

834
00:46:01,718 --> 00:46:04,137
Our research doesn't
support that, sir.

835
00:46:04,179 --> 00:46:07,724
Look, at the very least, we need to
put a warning sticker on the box.

836
00:46:08,350 --> 00:46:12,562
Other MP3 players don't have a
warning not to have sex with it. Right?

837
00:46:13,355 --> 00:46:15,983
A bag of potato chips
doesn't have a warning,

838
00:46:16,149 --> 00:46:18,610
“Please don't fuck
these potato chips.”

839
00:46:19,194 --> 00:46:20,696
Am I crazy here?

840
00:46:21,154 --> 00:46:23,365
None of us could have
seen this one coming.

841
00:46:23,407 --> 00:46:24,407
I did.

842
00:46:24,408 --> 00:46:26,576
Take it easy, Erin Brockovich.

843
00:46:29,121 --> 00:46:31,414
R and D team. You did
extensive testing here.

844
00:46:31,415 --> 00:46:35,209
Did you anticipate anybody breaching
the cooling system? Any red flags?

845
00:46:35,210 --> 00:46:36,378
Dave?

846
00:46:39,172 --> 00:46:43,760
Also, we've broken down
our problem into three steps.

847
00:46:43,969 --> 00:46:46,972
Step 1: Kid buys iBabe.

848
00:46:48,348 --> 00:46:51,351
Step 2: Kid fucks iBabe.

849
00:46:52,185 --> 00:46:56,940
Step 3: Kid mangles dick
and sues iBabe.

850
00:46:58,275 --> 00:47:03,613
Our goal is to eliminate
step two and step three.

851
00:47:07,367 --> 00:47:09,786
Now I know what the problem is.

852
00:47:11,371 --> 00:47:14,958
Why don't we just move the fan?
Why don't we just put it in her ear?

853
00:47:15,000 --> 00:47:16,793
No. No, no, no, no, no, sir.

854
00:47:17,419 --> 00:47:20,421
Uh, my team spent two years
doing the impossible,

855
00:47:20,422 --> 00:47:24,216
and you're pretty much just telling us
to go back and start from scratch.

856
00:47:24,217 --> 00:47:26,385
You know, to go fuck ourselves!

857
00:47:26,386 --> 00:47:30,222
Okay, look. The iBabe weighs over
a hundred pounds, okay?

858
00:47:30,223 --> 00:47:33,184
It's basically illegal
to take it out in public.

859
00:47:33,185 --> 00:47:36,312
Women's organizations are calling
for the boycott of our entire company.

860
00:47:36,313 --> 00:47:40,984
Our stock is plummeting and kids'
dicks are getting horribly mangled!

861
00:47:43,028 --> 00:47:44,404
Uh, come in, come in, come in.

862
00:47:44,446 --> 00:47:49,241
Sir, may I introduce you
to the iBabe Special Edition.

863
00:47:49,242 --> 00:47:50,452
Oh, my God.

864
00:47:53,497 --> 00:47:56,415
Faster processing,
double storage capacity,

865
00:47:56,416 --> 00:47:58,460
and how about that elegant finish.

866
00:48:00,295 --> 00:48:02,297
Just gorgeous. Gorgeous, gorgeous!

867
00:48:02,464 --> 00:48:04,173
- Congratulations!
- Thank you.

868
00:48:04,174 --> 00:48:08,053
Finally we can give our customers
a choice of color.

869
00:48:09,262 --> 00:48:12,432
Oh, my God. Just when I thought
it couldn't get more offensive.

870
00:48:14,267 --> 00:48:16,019
Oh, for Christ's sake.

871
00:48:18,271 --> 00:48:19,481
Yeah. Now I understand.

872
00:48:33,787 --> 00:48:35,288
<i>Enough! Enough!</i>

873
00:48:35,455 --> 00:48:38,332
<i>What do you want?
Money? Women?</i>

874
00:48:38,333 --> 00:48:41,253
<i>Just stop looking for Movie 43.</i>

875
00:48:41,461 --> 00:48:42,712
<i>Hey! Who are you?</i>

876
00:48:43,255 --> 00:48:46,298
<i>Movie 43. Where is Movie 43?</i>

877
00:48:46,299 --> 00:48:48,301
<i>I don't know what
you're talking about.</i>

878
00:48:49,469 --> 00:48:51,637
<i>Where is Movie 43? Don't lie!</i>

879
00:48:51,638 --> 00:48:54,015
<i>Get away from me! Get off me! No!</i>

880
00:48:54,766 --> 00:48:56,309
The fuck, man!

881
00:48:58,061 --> 00:49:00,563
<i>So you know where Movie 43 is.</i>

882
00:49:00,564 --> 00:49:01,605
No!

883
00:49:01,606 --> 00:49:04,400
<i>The movie that allows you
to see into the future.</i>

884
00:49:04,401 --> 00:49:06,569
<i>No! It will destroy society!</i>

885
00:49:06,570 --> 00:49:09,322
He will unleash
the dead up in protocol!

886
00:49:09,531 --> 00:49:12,284
Did Stevie Schraeder
tell you any of this?

887
00:49:12,325 --> 00:49:14,494
<i>Who is this Stevie Schroeder?</i>

888
00:49:14,744 --> 00:49:16,538
<i>Who is Stevie Schroeder?</i>

889
00:49:16,580 --> 00:49:20,332
- Who is this Stevie Schraeder?
<i>- I don't know Stevie Schraeder!</i>

890
00:49:20,333 --> 00:49:21,500
<i>- You lie!</i>
- What the fuck?

891
00:49:21,501 --> 00:49:23,085
<i>Fuck you!</i>

892
00:49:23,086 --> 00:49:25,629
<i>Who is Stevie Schroeder? You tell
me where Stevie Schroeder is!</i>

893
00:49:25,630 --> 00:49:27,256
<i>Who is this motherfucker?</i>

894
00:49:27,257 --> 00:49:29,342
He's a kid in my fucking
Driver's Ed class!

895
00:49:29,676 --> 00:49:34,346
<i>You will find us Movie 43,
J.J. and Baxter.</i>

896
00:49:34,347 --> 00:49:35,807
What the fuck, man!

897
00:49:36,516 --> 00:49:38,268
<i>Keep looking!</i>

898
00:49:38,643 --> 00:49:40,770
- I'm looking!
<i>- Don't look!</i>

899
00:49:42,772 --> 00:49:45,775
I'm, uh, RSVP-ing
to Sammy's Bar Mitzvah.

900
00:49:46,443 --> 00:49:47,777
Yeah, me too.

901
00:49:48,445 --> 00:49:50,780
The party, not the service.

902
00:49:51,364 --> 00:49:54,367
My mom always makes me
go to both. Sucks.

903
00:49:56,328 --> 00:49:57,370
Yeah.

904
00:50:16,389 --> 00:50:17,557
Yeah!

905
00:50:18,141 --> 00:50:21,228
Nathan on a date for once!

906
00:50:21,394 --> 00:50:23,563
Jesus, Mikey, shut up!

907
00:50:23,605 --> 00:50:27,150
What? Mom told me to watch
you guys. I'm just doing my job.

908
00:50:28,151 --> 00:50:29,569
I mean it, Mikey. Leave!

909
00:50:31,488 --> 00:50:32,697
I'm watching you.

910
00:50:35,408 --> 00:50:37,410
Sorry, my brother's an idiot.

911
00:50:38,161 --> 00:50:39,496
Whatever.

912
00:50:43,750 --> 00:50:47,420
- You have a bathroom?
- Totally. It's right back there.

913
00:50:58,431 --> 00:50:59,516
- Yuck!
<i>- Nathan?</i>

914
00:51:01,476 --> 00:51:02,601
Nathan, I...

915
00:51:02,602 --> 00:51:05,646
My brother spilled fruit punch on the
couch. There's a big red stain.

916
00:51:05,647 --> 00:51:07,524
I, I, um... I need to go.

917
00:51:08,149 --> 00:51:10,527
But you're not getting picked up
for another half hour.

918
00:51:10,735 --> 00:51:13,029
Wanna sit and watch
some more TV?

919
00:51:15,073 --> 00:51:18,660
Yeah. I'll... I'll just... I'll just
watch it from back here.

920
00:51:20,161 --> 00:51:21,746
That's cool. I like standing.

921
00:51:24,457 --> 00:51:28,044
Whoa! Mikey spilled fruit
punch on the wall, too!

922
00:51:28,461 --> 00:51:31,463
- My mom is gonna be so pissed!
- Nathan, I really need to go!

923
00:51:31,464 --> 00:51:33,632
Hey, lovebirds, I hope I'm not...

924
00:51:33,633 --> 00:51:36,385
Holy shit, you are covered
in blood! Oh, my God!

925
00:51:36,386 --> 00:51:38,053
- What?
- Oh, my God!

926
00:51:38,054 --> 00:51:39,722
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!

927
00:51:39,723 --> 00:51:42,474
Oh, my God! You must've s-sat
on a nail or something!

928
00:51:42,475 --> 00:51:45,103
- You idiot! She's having her period!
- Oh, my God!

929
00:51:45,478 --> 00:51:46,730
What do I do?

930
00:51:47,063 --> 00:51:48,772
You don't know what to do?
You've never had your period before?

931
00:51:48,773 --> 00:51:51,025
- No, I haven't.
- Oh, my God,

932
00:51:51,026 --> 00:51:52,627
Mikey, she's already
lost a lot of blood!

933
00:51:53,486 --> 00:51:54,820
Okay. Um, you know what?

934
00:51:54,821 --> 00:51:56,822
Mom's gotta have some tampons
around here somewhere, right?

935
00:51:56,823 --> 00:51:59,074
Oh, my God!
This is not happening!

936
00:51:59,075 --> 00:52:00,576
Fuck! You are way skinnier than Mom!

937
00:52:00,577 --> 00:52:02,494
There... There's no way
they're gonna fit you!

938
00:52:02,495 --> 00:52:04,079
Look, I'm just gonna walk home!

939
00:52:04,080 --> 00:52:06,499
No, no, no, no! You can't walk
home in your condition, silly!

940
00:52:06,583 --> 00:52:08,083
Mikey, hurry!

941
00:52:08,084 --> 00:52:11,046
There's just plastic bags! I don't
know what the fuck you want me to do!

942
00:52:12,213 --> 00:52:13,255
- What?
- Wipe yourself!

943
00:52:13,256 --> 00:52:15,007
Hey, hey, hey!
Guys, I'm home early.

944
00:52:15,008 --> 00:52:16,259
Dad, help us!

945
00:52:16,593 --> 00:52:18,678
Pardon me, I'm Nathan's father, Steve.

946
00:52:19,262 --> 00:52:22,473
Oh, we're just gonna have to plug
it up. I found this and this.

947
00:52:22,474 --> 00:52:23,754
All right, what's going on here?

948
00:52:25,518 --> 00:52:27,770
Nathan's date is on her period
for the first time,

949
00:52:27,771 --> 00:52:29,521
and she's bleeding everywhere!

950
00:52:29,522 --> 00:52:30,522
- Oh, disgusting.
- What?

951
00:52:30,523 --> 00:52:32,274
I mean, congratulations,
young lady.

952
00:52:32,275 --> 00:52:34,526
"Congratulations"?
She's bleeding to death!

953
00:52:34,527 --> 00:52:36,528
Oh, my God!
My stomach hurts!

954
00:52:36,529 --> 00:52:38,238
She's having contractions!

955
00:52:38,239 --> 00:52:40,075
No! Oh, no!

956
00:52:40,742 --> 00:52:42,034
All right.

957
00:52:42,035 --> 00:52:45,537
9-1-1? Yeah, my friend
is bleeding out of her vagina!

958
00:52:45,538 --> 00:52:46,539
Nathan, Nathan, listen!

959
00:52:46,581 --> 00:52:48,625
Why are you laughing at me?

960
00:52:49,042 --> 00:52:52,462
It's just... it's...
The... The lining of Amanda's...

961
00:52:52,754 --> 00:52:55,507
internal organs just
spilling out of her.

962
00:52:56,132 --> 00:52:57,509
Oh, my God!

963
00:52:57,759 --> 00:52:59,551
Look, I'm not dying!

964
00:52:59,552 --> 00:53:01,554
I got frozen peas and a sponge!

965
00:53:01,805 --> 00:53:03,764
If you wanna keep the lining intact,

966
00:53:03,765 --> 00:53:08,060
the man has to insert his
erect phallus into her vagina.

967
00:53:08,061 --> 00:53:10,271
- A what?
- You know what? I got a perfect thing.

968
00:53:11,564 --> 00:53:13,148
Maxi pad on a stick.

969
00:53:13,149 --> 00:53:15,568
Oh, my God! I wanna kill myself!

970
00:53:15,652 --> 00:53:17,278
Hello! Hey, baby, you ready?

971
00:53:18,571 --> 00:53:20,280
- What the hell's going on here?
- Dad!

972
00:53:20,281 --> 00:53:21,324
Oh, my God! Honey!

973
00:53:21,574 --> 00:53:24,576
What the hell kind of sick family
squashes a large tomato...

974
00:53:24,577 --> 00:53:26,121
on my daughter's pants?

975
00:53:26,413 --> 00:53:28,664
Whoa. Watch what you're
implying about my family.

976
00:53:28,665 --> 00:53:30,792
Oh, I don't gotta watch
anything, Jack!

977
00:53:31,334 --> 00:53:33,586
- Yeah?
- Yeah!

978
00:53:33,670 --> 00:53:34,753
- You touching me?
- Yeah, yeah, bitch, yeah!

979
00:53:34,754 --> 00:53:36,213
- You touching me?
- You're not to touch me!

980
00:53:36,214 --> 00:53:38,091
- Let's go, bitch!
- Let's go!

981
00:53:39,342 --> 00:53:41,594
Sucker punch him! Sucker punch
him in the throat!

982
00:53:43,680 --> 00:53:45,598
Everybody shut up!

983
00:53:47,267 --> 00:53:50,352
Look, I'm just a regular seventh-grade
girl getting my period,

984
00:53:50,353 --> 00:53:53,273
and it really sucks that it had
to be in front of all you idiots.

985
00:53:55,608 --> 00:53:58,611
Dad, call Mom and tell her
to meet us at home.

986
00:54:03,616 --> 00:54:05,535
She's got her period?

987
00:54:06,661 --> 00:54:08,121
So disgusting.

988
00:54:08,705 --> 00:54:11,291
You don't have a camping tarp
I could borrow, do you?

989
00:54:12,292 --> 00:54:13,626
Sorry about all that.

990
00:54:14,711 --> 00:54:16,463
Hey, honey, don't sit in the car!

991
00:54:17,630 --> 00:54:20,216
Vagina is way too complicated!

992
00:54:20,633 --> 00:54:22,135
Yeah, no shit.

993
00:54:24,387 --> 00:54:25,722
Really?

994
00:54:29,559 --> 00:54:30,727
Dad, that was epic!

995
00:54:32,353 --> 00:54:35,565
I've been trying to push that puppy out
since this morning's conference call.

996
00:54:35,607 --> 00:54:38,400
Woo! I gotta take a massive dump,
and then we're watching the game.

997
00:54:38,401 --> 00:54:39,736
- Yeah.
- Yes!

998
00:54:47,702 --> 00:54:49,078
Oh, nice!

999
00:55:17,982 --> 00:55:19,382
<i>Come on, come on, come on, come on.</i>

1000
00:55:19,442 --> 00:55:20,652
<i>Look who we found.</i>

1001
00:55:22,695 --> 00:55:23,696
<i>J.J.?</i>

1002
00:55:24,656 --> 00:55:26,990
- Stevie Schraeder?
- I freaking told you.

1003
00:55:26,991 --> 00:55:28,700
Wh... What the fuck!
How'd he get there?

1004
00:55:28,701 --> 00:55:31,453
Stevie, tell them about Movie 43!

1005
00:55:31,454 --> 00:55:34,998
<i>What's Movie 43?
They keep asking me that.</i>

1006
00:55:34,999 --> 00:55:37,460
<i>- Cut off Stevie Schraeder's finger.</i>
- What!

1007
00:55:37,544 --> 00:55:39,711
No, don't cut off
Stevie Schraeder's finger!

1008
00:55:39,712 --> 00:55:42,464
<i>Don't cut off Stevie Schraeder's
finger! Please!</i>

1009
00:55:42,465 --> 00:55:44,258
Movie 43 isn't real.

1010
00:55:44,259 --> 00:55:46,468
It's just something Calvin
and I made up to prank you!

1011
00:55:46,469 --> 00:55:48,136
Well, apparently it is real,

1012
00:55:48,137 --> 00:55:50,640
and we need to find it
or else your stupid friend dies!

1013
00:55:50,974 --> 00:55:53,685
- Unless...
- Unless what? Unless what?

1014
00:55:54,227 --> 00:55:56,728
I can fashion
a ninety-one-F-Theta Box.

1015
00:55:56,729 --> 00:55:59,022
<i>No. Not the Theta Box. Please!
Do not do that!</i>

1016
00:55:59,023 --> 00:56:01,733
Go! Make a Theta Box, dude.
Whatever that is.

1017
00:56:01,734 --> 00:56:03,403
<i>Okay. Don't wait for me.</i>

1018
00:56:05,238 --> 00:56:07,699
Movie 43. Wh... Where is it?
Where is it?

1019
00:56:13,037 --> 00:56:14,747
Go fuck yourself, asshole!

1020
00:56:15,748 --> 00:56:17,250
Don't do this.

1021
00:56:17,333 --> 00:56:20,295
Brian, we're best friends, man.
You can't move out.

1022
00:56:20,503 --> 00:56:21,753
You fucked my girlfriend, dude.

1023
00:56:21,754 --> 00:56:23,339
One time.

1024
00:56:23,756 --> 00:56:25,215
For a week.

1025
00:56:25,216 --> 00:56:27,176
- What?
- But I want to make it up to you.

1026
00:56:27,719 --> 00:56:29,429
Can I fuck your girlfriend?

1027
00:56:30,054 --> 00:56:32,014
Yes, but she broke up with me...

1028
00:56:32,015 --> 00:56:33,765
when she found out
I slept with your girlfriend...

1029
00:56:33,766 --> 00:56:35,393
so I can't arrange it.

1030
00:56:35,685 --> 00:56:39,314
But Brian, I got you something.

1031
00:56:40,023 --> 00:56:43,484
Best birthday present ever.
You are going to love this.

1032
00:56:44,527 --> 00:56:47,196
- Is this really necessary?
- Trust me.

1033
00:56:49,115 --> 00:56:51,618
It's better if it's a...

1034
00:56:51,784 --> 00:56:55,288
One, two, three, surprise!

1035
00:56:59,584 --> 00:57:02,045
I know, right, buddy?
Happy birthday.

1036
00:57:02,128 --> 00:57:03,712
You kidnapped an Irish midget.

1037
00:57:03,713 --> 00:57:06,131
No, I caught you a leprechaun.

1038
00:57:06,132 --> 00:57:08,051
Moron. There's no such
thing as leprechauns.

1039
00:57:08,718 --> 00:57:10,219
Dude, watch this.

1040
00:57:11,471 --> 00:57:12,512
Hey, little buddy.

1041
00:57:12,513 --> 00:57:16,142
Tell my friend you're going
to give us a big pot of gold.

1042
00:57:16,768 --> 00:57:19,561
I'm going to cut off your balls
and feed them to you!

1043
00:57:19,562 --> 00:57:20,813
Good Lord.

1044
00:57:21,773 --> 00:57:25,734
He's just joking. He's got to give us
the gold. That's the rules. Right?

1045
00:57:25,735 --> 00:57:29,364
The last thing you'll ever see is
my cock, skull-fucking you!

1046
00:57:32,659 --> 00:57:34,285
Let me ask him again.

1047
00:57:37,038 --> 00:57:39,040
Give us the fucking gold!

1048
00:57:40,041 --> 00:57:41,249
Do you want the lights on or off...

1049
00:57:41,250 --> 00:57:43,586
when I fuck you with
a pair of rusty scissors?

1050
00:57:45,129 --> 00:57:47,589
Stop, stop! Chill! Chill!

1051
00:57:47,590 --> 00:57:50,592
What are you doing?
You're going to kill him!

1052
00:57:50,593 --> 00:57:54,138
Watch out! Relax! I'll handle this,
okay? I'll handle this.

1053
00:57:57,266 --> 00:57:59,644
Hey, Mr. Leprechaun.

1054
00:58:02,105 --> 00:58:04,106
I am super sorry about this.

1055
00:58:04,107 --> 00:58:05,607
It's just a misunderstanding,

1056
00:58:05,608 --> 00:58:09,779
so what I'm going to do...
is untie you and let you go.

1057
00:58:10,613 --> 00:58:12,031
How does that sound?

1058
00:58:13,116 --> 00:58:15,076
Okay... but first...

1059
00:58:16,327 --> 00:58:20,039
Lick my crusty Irish taint,
you yeast-breeding cunt hole!

1060
00:58:20,790 --> 00:58:23,710
Die! Die, you little magical fuck!

1061
00:58:24,127 --> 00:58:26,795
Whoa, stop! Stop! Think!

1062
00:58:26,796 --> 00:58:29,381
If he's dead, he can't tell us
where the gold is!

1063
00:58:29,382 --> 00:58:33,636
Fucking giants.
Motherfucking full-growns!

1064
00:58:34,137 --> 00:58:37,305
When all this is over, I'm going
to crawl up your mother's cunt...

1065
00:58:37,306 --> 00:58:39,099
and start a fucking campfire!

1066
00:58:39,100 --> 00:58:43,061
Hey! No! Shut up!
You can't do anything...

1067
00:58:43,062 --> 00:58:46,189
because you're tiny and tied to a
chair, and nobody knows where you are.

1068
00:58:46,190 --> 00:58:47,316
No one!

1069
00:58:48,735 --> 00:58:50,528
I wouldn't bet on that.

1070
00:58:50,987 --> 00:58:52,238
Who's calling?

1071
00:58:54,115 --> 00:58:55,157
Hello?

1072
00:58:55,158 --> 00:58:57,576
<i>So this is what a dead
man sounds like.</i>

1073
00:58:57,577 --> 00:58:59,536
- It's another leprechaun.
- Fuck!

1074
00:58:59,537 --> 00:59:00,996
If that's my brother...

1075
00:59:00,997 --> 00:59:04,458
prepare to have your dickhole
stretched over a fucking fire hydrant!

1076
00:59:04,459 --> 00:59:07,002
- What's wrong with your fucking mouth?
- Gag him.

1077
00:59:07,003 --> 00:59:08,087
Your balls...

1078
00:59:09,172 --> 00:59:10,380
Listen, Cookie O' Puss...

1079
00:59:10,381 --> 00:59:14,092
I got a leprechaun and I want some
gold or we're going to kill him.

1080
00:59:14,093 --> 00:59:16,971
<i>How do you feel about
having your balls cut off?</i>

1081
00:59:17,263 --> 00:59:19,390
Jeez, they're so into balls.

1082
00:59:19,682 --> 00:59:22,184
I'm serious. You better
make with the gold...

1083
00:59:22,185 --> 00:59:25,103
or your little green man will be
pushing up four-leaf clovers!

1084
00:59:25,104 --> 00:59:26,981
That was so good.
You sounded so tough.

1085
00:59:27,398 --> 00:59:28,691
<i>Okay.</i>

1086
00:59:30,443 --> 00:59:31,986
What did he say?

1087
00:59:32,695 --> 00:59:34,197
He said "Okay."

1088
00:59:35,740 --> 00:59:38,201
No way. How did he get
here so fast?

1089
00:59:57,136 --> 00:59:58,221
Sweet!

1090
01:00:03,226 --> 01:00:06,479
- Gold coins!
- Gold!

1091
01:00:09,524 --> 01:00:12,068
'Happy birthday, dude!
- Holy crap!

1092
01:00:12,193 --> 01:00:14,195
So, we get the gold and
we keep this little fucker?

1093
01:00:14,320 --> 01:00:17,281
Did you hear that? Looks like
your lucky charms just ran out.

1094
01:00:17,990 --> 01:00:20,451
Who's magically
delicious now, bitch?

1095
01:00:21,160 --> 01:00:22,702
What? Did you say something?

1096
01:00:22,703 --> 01:00:26,249
I couldn't hear you over my giant
pot of leprechaun gold!

1097
01:00:27,208 --> 01:00:28,543
Top o' the morning, ladies!

1098
01:00:31,337 --> 01:00:34,465
- He shot me in the eye!
- He shot me in my nipples!

1099
01:00:36,050 --> 01:00:38,177
I'm half goddamn blind!

1100
01:00:39,470 --> 01:00:41,264
Taste Celtic steel!

1101
01:00:43,182 --> 01:00:45,267
That's right, brother!
Fuck him up good!

1102
01:00:45,268 --> 01:00:48,186
This is what happens when
you take a leprechaun's gold!

1103
01:00:48,187 --> 01:00:51,106
Stab him with your leprechaun
knife! Cut off his balls!

1104
01:00:51,107 --> 01:00:52,524
Go leprechauns!

1105
01:00:52,525 --> 01:00:55,110
- Walk to the rainbow.
- What?

1106
01:00:55,111 --> 01:00:58,280
- Cut off his balls!
- Help! Pete! Help!

1107
01:00:58,281 --> 01:01:01,241
I'm going to mangle your balls!

1108
01:01:01,242 --> 01:01:03,661
Shoot him! Shoot
the fucking leprechaun!

1109
01:01:04,704 --> 01:01:07,289
You moron! Not that
leprechaun! This leprechaun!

1110
01:01:07,290 --> 01:01:10,126
Tell St. Patty you like it
up the ass!

1111
01:01:17,216 --> 01:01:18,301
What now?

1112
01:01:21,304 --> 01:01:22,721
Not much to these guys.

1113
01:01:22,722 --> 01:01:24,724
Yeah. I thought they'd be bigger.

1114
01:01:25,308 --> 01:01:27,768
Hey, Pete, I just want
to say thank you.

1115
01:01:28,144 --> 01:01:31,272
- Yeah, it is a lot of gold.
- Nah, it's more than gold.

1116
01:01:31,314 --> 01:01:33,398
Catching that leprechaun
must have been hard work.

1117
01:01:33,399 --> 01:01:36,319
Something that only a true
friend would do for me.

1118
01:01:36,485 --> 01:01:39,572
Yeah, well, I should have never
slept with your girlfriend.

1119
01:01:39,739 --> 01:01:42,325
Whatever. We can buy
new girlfriends.

1120
01:01:43,159 --> 01:01:46,286
Dude, I totally forgot
the second part of your gift!

1121
01:01:46,287 --> 01:01:47,288
Really?

1122
01:01:53,794 --> 01:01:57,173
- Who is she?
- She's a fairy. Storybook fairy.

1123
01:01:58,549 --> 01:02:01,052
What the hell am I supposed
to do with a fairy?

1124
01:02:01,177 --> 01:02:03,512
I suck cock for gold coins.

1125
01:02:07,600 --> 01:02:09,185
J.J., make some space!

1126
01:02:11,604 --> 01:02:14,273
- What can I do?
- I need metal. Right now! Go!

1127
01:02:15,358 --> 01:02:17,360
<i>Use your Tinker Toys.</i>

1128
01:02:17,735 --> 01:02:21,614
- Trophies! Spoons!
- Stop yelling at me! I'll do it!

1129
01:02:25,284 --> 01:02:28,411
- Right.
- I'm go. Initiate sequence.

1130
01:02:28,412 --> 01:02:29,663
Is this going to work?

1131
01:02:29,664 --> 01:02:30,706
It better!

1132
01:02:32,541 --> 01:02:33,709
Here we go!

1133
01:02:35,378 --> 01:02:36,712
How do you do this?

1134
01:02:38,673 --> 01:02:40,341
We're getting close!

1135
01:02:40,591 --> 01:02:41,676
Yeah?

1136
01:02:44,136 --> 01:02:45,721
Yes, we're getting very close!

1137
01:02:47,974 --> 01:02:49,767
<i>Uno marguerita, por favor?</i>

1138
01:02:50,101 --> 01:02:51,185
You want salt?

1139
01:02:51,352 --> 01:02:52,561
<i>Sí, bueno.</i>

1140
01:02:53,354 --> 01:02:56,398
- And for you?
- Whynatte and rum, please.

1141
01:02:56,399 --> 01:02:57,566
Got it.

1142
01:02:58,192 --> 01:03:00,353
Do you mind me asking a question?
It may seem personal.

1143
01:03:00,569 --> 01:03:05,156
I'm quite surprised that a lady
with your face needs to resort to...

1144
01:03:05,157 --> 01:03:06,409
- Match dot com?
- Right.

1145
01:03:06,575 --> 01:03:11,371
Truth is, I have completely
exhausted all of my options.

1146
01:03:11,372 --> 01:03:12,414
- Really?
- Yeah.

1147
01:03:12,415 --> 01:03:14,749
Oh, dear. That's a shame.
And are you from the area?

1148
01:03:14,750 --> 01:03:16,418
No. Let's not do that, okay?

1149
01:03:16,419 --> 01:03:18,420
I've been on so many blind dates
in the past year,

1150
01:03:18,421 --> 01:03:19,714
and they're all the same.

1151
01:03:20,214 --> 01:03:22,173
"Where are you from?
What does your sister do?

1152
01:03:22,174 --> 01:03:23,258
What does your father..."
Blah, blah, blah.

1153
01:03:23,259 --> 01:03:25,260
Do you really care if my father
is a garbage man?

1154
01:03:25,261 --> 01:03:27,262
- Is your father a garbage man?
- No, he's not! That's the point.

1155
01:03:27,263 --> 01:03:28,680
- Who cares?
- Not important.

1156
01:03:28,681 --> 01:03:32,392
So let's not do that. Let's
have this date be different.

1157
01:03:32,393 --> 01:03:35,395
- Let's talk about real things, okay?
- Great.

1158
01:03:35,396 --> 01:03:38,190
- Real, straight conversations.
- I'm all about that.

1159
01:03:39,400 --> 01:03:41,110
So what does your father
do for a living?

1160
01:03:43,446 --> 01:03:46,240
Okay. Let's play a game.

1161
01:03:46,449 --> 01:03:48,158
- Okay.
- Have you played Truth or Dare?

1162
01:03:48,159 --> 01:03:49,617
I haven't played it,
but I'm aware of it.

1163
01:03:49,618 --> 01:03:53,205
Well, you start first.
You ask me, "Truth or Dare."

1164
01:03:53,456 --> 01:03:55,249
- Truth or Dare?
- Truth.

1165
01:03:55,458 --> 01:04:00,295
Is there any possibility
in this noble cosmos...

1166
01:04:00,296 --> 01:04:04,508
or any alternative parallel
cosmos where you might...

1167
01:04:05,301 --> 01:04:08,054
Is there any chance I'm your type?

1168
01:04:10,473 --> 01:04:12,433
Yeah. Yeah. You're tall.

1169
01:04:12,975 --> 01:04:14,727
- And that's good?
- I like tall.

1170
01:04:15,436 --> 01:04:16,478
Okay, Truth or Dare?

1171
01:04:16,479 --> 01:04:17,521
Truth?

1172
01:04:18,230 --> 01:04:22,276
I knew you'd say that. I am going to
push the limits just a little bit.

1173
01:04:23,069 --> 01:04:26,238
- Are you circumcised?
- Am I circumcised?

1174
01:04:26,280 --> 01:04:28,032
That's personal.

1175
01:04:29,158 --> 01:04:32,410
Circumcision has never really taken
off, to be honest, where I'm from.

1176
01:04:32,411 --> 01:04:35,706
It's not... it's not the vogue.

1177
01:04:36,290 --> 01:04:38,501
I tend to associate it
with Jewish people...

1178
01:04:39,001 --> 01:04:41,294
and we don't have many Jewish
people in Europe anymore...

1179
01:04:41,295 --> 01:04:44,005
because of the... trouble.

1180
01:04:44,006 --> 01:04:46,050
So, no, I'm not.

1181
01:04:46,509 --> 01:04:49,345
But if you would need me to get
circumcised, I'm sure I could.

1182
01:04:50,513 --> 01:04:52,723
- Truth or Dare?
- Truth.

1183
01:04:53,057 --> 01:04:55,350
When was the last time
you kissed a man?

1184
01:04:55,351 --> 01:04:59,480
Twenty-six days ago in an alley behind
a Pilates studio. Truth or Dare?

1185
01:05:00,272 --> 01:05:01,690
Dare. I'm going
to go with a Dare.

1186
01:05:02,274 --> 01:05:05,736
Here we go. Now we're
cooking. Okay.

1187
01:05:06,112 --> 01:05:09,782
I dare you to go over there.

1188
01:05:10,491 --> 01:05:13,535
See that man with the black
jacket? The husky guy?

1189
01:05:13,536 --> 01:05:16,329
I dare you to go
and pinch his ass.

1190
01:05:16,330 --> 01:05:18,498
- Do what now?
- Just cup it.

1191
01:05:18,499 --> 01:05:20,042
Grab his cheeks and cup it.

1192
01:05:21,043 --> 01:05:22,335
- No.
- Yeah.

1193
01:05:22,336 --> 01:05:24,796
You said Dare, not me.
That's what Dare is.

1194
01:05:24,797 --> 01:05:26,714
- Have a look at him. He's quite...
- I see him.

1195
01:05:26,715 --> 01:05:28,508
Go back there and cup his ass.

1196
01:05:28,509 --> 01:05:29,509
He's quite a stocky man.

1197
01:05:29,510 --> 01:05:31,594
- He might have a knife.
- I don't even have to be here.

1198
01:05:31,595 --> 01:05:34,264
I can go home and watch Family Guy
if you don't want to play.

1199
01:05:34,265 --> 01:05:35,306
I'll get the check.
Excuse me!

1200
01:05:35,307 --> 01:05:36,766
- Can I have the check?
- She doesn't need the check.

1201
01:05:36,767 --> 01:05:38,060
She's joking.

1202
01:05:38,310 --> 01:05:40,312
- Then go cup his ass.
- Okay, I will.

1203
01:05:49,488 --> 01:05:54,118
I call him, and he never answers
the phone. I'm sick of it.

1204
01:05:54,326 --> 01:05:56,537
- Go pay him a visit.
- You call him.

1205
01:05:59,081 --> 01:06:02,543
I'm sick and tired of it. It's...

1206
01:06:03,419 --> 01:06:05,545
- What the fuck?
- I did. Sorry.

1207
01:06:05,546 --> 01:06:08,549
You touching my fucking ass!
What's the matter with you!

1208
01:06:08,591 --> 01:06:11,593
- What do you mean, you? Fuck you!
- Sorry. Sorry.

1209
01:06:11,594 --> 01:06:14,762
- You touch the wrong ass, asshole!
- It's all good.

1210
01:06:14,763 --> 01:06:16,557
- What's the matter with you?
- Sorry. Apologies. Sorry.

1211
01:06:16,765 --> 01:06:18,266
That was great!

1212
01:06:18,267 --> 01:06:20,393
Truth or Dare? Truth or Dare?

1213
01:06:20,394 --> 01:06:21,519
Wait a minute. Can I enjoy the...

1214
01:06:21,520 --> 01:06:23,647
Truth or Dare? Come on.

1215
01:06:23,772 --> 01:06:25,273
Okay. Dare.

1216
01:06:25,274 --> 01:06:27,066
Right. You go and cup his ass.

1217
01:06:27,067 --> 01:06:30,278
No. You can't dare me to do the
same thing I just dared you to do.

1218
01:06:30,279 --> 01:06:32,280
- Truth or Dare.
- Come up with your own dare.

1219
01:06:32,281 --> 01:06:33,324
Be original.

1220
01:06:34,617 --> 01:06:38,996
See that blind kid over there?
Blow out his candles before he can.

1221
01:06:40,414 --> 01:06:43,124
I can't do that! That's cruel!

1222
01:06:43,125 --> 01:06:44,417
It's Truth or Dare.
That's the rule.

1223
01:06:44,418 --> 01:06:47,086
I could take off if you want.
I could go home.

1224
01:06:47,087 --> 01:06:49,631
I'll probably get home in time
to put Benny Hill DVDs on.

1225
01:06:49,632 --> 01:06:52,134
- You're doing that?
- It's up to you.

1226
01:06:52,426 --> 01:06:54,677
I'll go over there and
blow out the candles,

1227
01:06:54,678 --> 01:06:56,222
but you need to know something.

1228
01:06:56,472 --> 01:06:57,598
This is war.

1229
01:06:59,016 --> 01:07:02,394
<i>I wish it was my birthday
So I could party, too</i>

1230
01:07:02,603 --> 01:07:06,398
<i>Happy, happy birthday
May all your dreams come true</i>

1231
01:07:07,483 --> 01:07:10,026
<i>Happy, happy birthday
From all of us to you</i>

1232
01:07:10,027 --> 01:07:11,153
<i>Hey!</i>

1233
01:07:20,663 --> 01:07:23,040
Excuse me. I got $200.
Can you give me the whole thing?

1234
01:07:43,644 --> 01:07:46,647
I dare you to make guacamole
with your right breast.

1235
01:08:19,054 --> 01:08:21,682
"...elucidate several most important,
however...

1236
01:08:22,057 --> 01:08:25,476
intricate passages and scenes
hereafter to be painted."

1237
01:08:25,477 --> 01:08:28,439
Chapter 64: Stubb's Supper.

1238
01:08:28,480 --> 01:08:31,525
"Stubb's whale had been killed
some distance from the ship."

1239
01:08:38,699 --> 01:08:41,493
When the swelling goes down,
you're going to look great, Emily.

1240
01:08:42,369 --> 01:08:43,704
Thanks, sweetie.

1241
01:09:00,721 --> 01:09:04,349
- That was fun, huh?
- Yes. I had a really great time.

1242
01:09:04,350 --> 01:09:05,476
Yeah? Me, too.

1243
01:09:05,726 --> 01:09:08,728
- It was definitely interesting.
- Yeah. We did a lot.

1244
01:09:08,729 --> 01:09:11,732
Yes. Yeah. We did. We did.

1245
01:09:12,107 --> 01:09:13,566
- We did it up.
- Yes.

1246
01:09:13,567 --> 01:09:16,528
It was enchanting.
You're really a...

1247
01:09:17,738 --> 01:09:19,365
very delightful woman.

1248
01:09:19,531 --> 01:09:21,075
- Well, thank you.
- Yeah.

1249
01:09:21,325 --> 01:09:22,493
So... Yeah.

1250
01:09:23,702 --> 01:09:27,289
This is that slightly
awkward moment.

1251
01:09:27,706 --> 01:09:28,749
Well...

1252
01:09:29,583 --> 01:09:31,502
No. I'm sorry.

1253
01:09:32,086 --> 01:09:35,505
You're sweet, really, and
I really did have a good time...

1254
01:09:35,506 --> 01:09:39,551
but I'm just not that attracted
to Asian men.

1255
01:09:49,103 --> 01:09:51,563
Psych! Get in here, Yao Ming!

1256
01:09:51,772 --> 01:09:54,358
We don't want these puppies
to go to waste.

1257
01:10:02,491 --> 01:10:03,617
Dude...

1258
01:10:04,243 --> 01:10:05,744
We're getting closer!

1259
01:10:07,329 --> 01:10:10,249
- I need one more!
- I'm freaking out, man!

1260
01:10:19,967 --> 01:10:22,970
<i>Terrapin Protocol initiated.</i>

1261
01:10:23,971 --> 01:10:25,346
<i>I have failed.</i>

1262
01:10:25,347 --> 01:10:27,598
<i>You have found Movie 43.</i>

1263
01:10:27,599 --> 01:10:29,977
- What the fuck did you do?
<i>- Movie 43.</i>

1264
01:10:30,978 --> 01:10:32,521
<i>I used to be great
cameraman in Russia.</i>

1265
01:10:32,604 --> 01:10:34,773
Dude, what's up with the power?

1266
01:10:35,274 --> 01:10:36,983
Mission accomplished.

1267
01:10:36,984 --> 01:10:40,111
<i>- We don't have much time.
- You little shit!</i>

1268
01:10:40,112 --> 01:10:41,655
We found Movie 43, buddy.

1269
01:10:43,532 --> 01:10:45,617
Good. We found it.

1270
01:10:47,661 --> 01:10:49,620
The fuck? Dude, that's you!

1271
01:10:49,621 --> 01:10:51,581
<i>My name is Baxter Cutler.</i>

1272
01:10:51,582 --> 01:10:54,667
<i>It has been 141 days
since The Darkness.</i>

1273
01:10:54,668 --> 01:10:59,590
<i>J.J., Calvin and Baxter,
this is Movie 43!</i>

1274
01:11:00,007 --> 01:11:03,426
<i>You see, when you idiots made
me search for Movie</i> 43...

1275
01:11:03,427 --> 01:11:07,597
<i>we triggered the Terrapin Protocol,
the top-secret Cold War initiative...</i>

1276
01:11:07,598 --> 01:11:10,057
<i>to control the mind
of every American citizen.</i>

1277
01:11:10,058 --> 01:11:12,435
<i>So that in the event
of a Soviet attack...</i>

1278
01:11:12,436 --> 01:11:16,523
<i>every man, woman and child would
be converted into fighting machines.</i>

1279
01:11:16,607 --> 01:11:19,108
<i>Only there were no more
Soviets to fight.</i>

1280
01:11:19,109 --> 01:11:22,612
<i>So everyone turned on each other
and now the country is in ruins.</i>

1281
01:11:22,613 --> 01:11:25,073
<i>China? Gone! Russia? Gone!</i>

1282
01:11:25,282 --> 01:11:28,619
<i>Amsterdam? Still not
a goddamn country! Gone!</i>

1283
01:11:29,411 --> 01:11:32,038
<i>That is why I'm sending
this message back in time.</i>

1284
01:11:32,039 --> 01:11:34,123
<i>Baxter, listen to me.
You need to hack into...</i>

1285
01:11:34,124 --> 01:11:35,666
<i>Boss, the perimeter's clear!</i>

1286
01:11:35,667 --> 01:11:39,505
<i>Son of a bitch, J.J.! I'm trying
to rewrite the fucking past!</i>

1287
01:11:40,047 --> 01:11:43,300
<i>Yeah? Some Infecteds were trying
to rewrite your fucking existence!</i>

1288
01:11:43,634 --> 01:11:44,635
<i>Two got away.</i>

1289
01:11:46,053 --> 01:11:47,470
<i>One did not.</i>

1290
01:11:47,471 --> 01:11:50,056
Oh, man, this is sick!
Where am I?

1291
01:11:50,057 --> 01:11:51,683
<i>Has the cripple been fed?</i>

1292
01:11:52,059 --> 01:11:56,062
<i>I'm sorry, Mommy!
I'm sorry, Mom!</i>

1293
01:11:56,063 --> 01:11:57,648
Why am I Rain Man?

1294
01:11:57,689 --> 01:11:59,649
<i>Make Sitara feed him.</i>

1295
01:11:59,650 --> 01:12:02,401
<i>You fucking feed him!
I need to be out slaughtering.</i>

1296
01:12:02,402 --> 01:12:04,487
<i>No! You carry my seed.</i>

1297
01:12:04,488 --> 01:12:07,281
<i>You must stay here where it's safe,
where I can protect you.</i>

1298
01:12:07,282 --> 01:12:09,284
- I'm sorry!
- Come here, Mama.

1299
01:12:11,745 --> 01:12:13,372
<i>- Sorry, Mommy.
- Back to business.</i>

1300
01:12:13,664 --> 01:12:17,083
<i>Security breach! Security breach!
Commence evasive maneuvers.</i>

1301
01:12:17,084 --> 01:12:19,586
<i>- Defensive maneuvers!
- Dammit, they jumped the wire!</i>

1302
01:12:19,670 --> 01:12:23,674
<i>Vrankovich!
On me, you dumb Ruskie!</i>

1303
01:12:24,091 --> 01:12:26,092
<i>Baxter! You can prevent
this from happening!</i>

1304
01:12:26,093 --> 01:12:28,302
<i>Hack into the Department
of Defense security mainframe...</i>

1305
01:12:28,303 --> 01:12:32,099
<i>using a Mark-7 Spartan from
the Bundesnachrichtendienst...</i>

1306
01:12:37,312 --> 01:12:39,063
- No way!
- Oh, shit!

1307
01:12:39,064 --> 01:12:42,526
- That was awesome!
- No way!

1308
01:12:42,609 --> 01:12:44,527
Dude! No way! I'm never
making fun of you again. Period.

1309
01:12:44,528 --> 01:12:46,320
We were trying to prank you!
You turned that around...

1310
01:12:46,321 --> 01:12:47,739
I swear it wasn't a prank!

1311
01:12:48,115 --> 01:12:50,533
Oh, my God. You're
expecting me to believe...

1312
01:12:50,534 --> 01:12:52,702
that somehow in the next
six months the whole world ends...

1313
01:12:52,703 --> 01:12:55,664
- and I'm a drooling cripple?
- I didn't do it!

1314
01:12:56,123 --> 01:12:57,164
What are you...?

1315
01:12:57,165 --> 01:12:58,666
What's with the lights?
That was weird.

1316
01:12:58,667 --> 01:13:00,868
I'm going to the supermarket.
Does anyone need anything?

1317
01:13:06,341 --> 01:13:07,342
No.

1318
01:13:07,718 --> 01:13:09,344
What is it?

1319
01:13:15,726 --> 01:13:18,020
No!

1320
01:13:18,520 --> 01:13:21,732
- I'm sorry, Mommy! I'm sorry!
- What are you sorry about?

1321
01:13:24,693 --> 01:13:27,029
- What's happening?
- Shit!

1322
01:13:28,363 --> 01:13:29,615
God!

1323
01:13:31,033 --> 01:13:34,076
I can fix this! Mark-7 Spartan!

1324
01:13:34,077 --> 01:13:37,038
That computer's fried. Go get
my laptop out of my room!

1325
01:13:37,039 --> 01:13:39,291
All right, I got it! I got it.
Don't worry.

1326
01:13:39,416 --> 01:13:42,628
- Don't let him pull his own dick off.
- Why would he pull his own dick off?

1327
01:13:43,211 --> 01:13:44,755
I fucking got it! I got it!

1328
01:13:49,051 --> 01:13:51,178
Why is my computer so slow?

1329
01:13:54,514 --> 01:13:56,767
Why is there porn on my computer?

1330
01:13:57,142 --> 01:13:58,352
April Fools.

1331
01:13:58,393 --> 01:14:00,187
<i>Oh, shit!</i>

1332
01:14:49,111 --> 01:14:50,237
I can't believe it!

1333
01:15:44,124 --> 01:15:48,335
<i>In 1959, Kenny Jackson coached
the Ellison High Journeymen...</i>

1334
01:15:48,336 --> 01:15:50,755
<i>to become the first Negro
high school team...</i>

1335
01:15:50,756 --> 01:15:53,008
<i>ever to compete for a state title.</i>

1336
01:15:53,300 --> 01:15:55,469
<i>Theirs was victory's glory.</i>

1337
01:15:56,720 --> 01:15:59,722
Come on, y'all. Why y'all still sitting
here? The game's all about to start.

1338
01:15:59,723 --> 01:16:02,100
Coach, we scared.

1339
01:16:02,768 --> 01:16:07,314
There's 10,000 white people out there
that think that we ain't good enough.

1340
01:16:08,774 --> 01:16:11,693
You know what?
Maybe we ain't.

1341
01:16:12,319 --> 01:16:14,154
All of y'all feel like that?

1342
01:16:15,030 --> 01:16:17,157
Four hundred years in this country...

1343
01:16:17,699 --> 01:16:22,037
the black man has been
spit on, kicked...

1344
01:16:23,163 --> 01:16:24,623
drug through the mud.

1345
01:16:25,165 --> 01:16:27,334
But I've got two things
I can tell you.

1346
01:16:28,293 --> 01:16:32,130
Number one, win or lose...

1347
01:16:33,298 --> 01:16:35,258
I am so proud of y'all.

1348
01:16:37,177 --> 01:16:38,553
Number two...

1349
01:16:40,180 --> 01:16:42,224
You're going to win.

1350
01:16:43,350 --> 01:16:45,352
It's just that plain
and fucking simple.

1351
01:16:45,560 --> 01:16:47,395
You're going to win!

1352
01:16:48,230 --> 01:16:49,688
But them white boys
from Hickory Tech...

1353
01:16:49,689 --> 01:16:52,192
- What game are we playing?
- Basketball, Coach.

1354
01:16:52,400 --> 01:16:54,152
What color is their skin?

1355
01:16:54,194 --> 01:16:56,320
- White.
- Exactly!

1356
01:16:56,321 --> 01:16:58,198
They're white, you're black.

1357
01:16:58,657 --> 01:17:00,200
This is basketball...

1358
01:17:01,201 --> 01:17:02,743
Am I speaking fucking Chinese?

1359
01:17:02,744 --> 01:17:05,704
Come on, people.
You guys are 25 and 0.

1360
01:17:05,705 --> 01:17:08,291
Yeah, Coach, but that was
against all-black teams.

1361
01:17:08,667 --> 01:17:12,294
That's the point! Y'all are going
to kill those Caucasians!

1362
01:17:12,295 --> 01:17:14,463
But, Coach, look at
their fundamentals.

1363
01:17:14,464 --> 01:17:17,300
The fundamentals!
It doesn't matter!

1364
01:17:17,551 --> 01:17:22,346
It's all the same when you're some
cement-foot troglodyte white boy...

1365
01:17:22,347 --> 01:17:25,349
getting dunked on with a big pair
of black fucking nuts...

1366
01:17:25,350 --> 01:17:27,268
hanging on your forehead!

1367
01:17:27,269 --> 01:17:29,270
Speaking of nuts...
Lucious.

1368
01:17:29,271 --> 01:17:30,730
Come on up here, Lucious.

1369
01:17:32,357 --> 01:17:34,609
Tell them.
How long is your dick?

1370
01:17:35,360 --> 01:17:37,237
I don't know, Coach. Like a foot.

1371
01:17:38,989 --> 01:17:40,198
Foot and a half.

1372
01:17:40,323 --> 01:17:41,366
Foot and a ha...

1373
01:17:43,577 --> 01:17:45,203
Foot and a half?

1374
01:17:46,079 --> 01:17:48,205
Their arm ain't even that long!

1375
01:17:48,206 --> 01:17:52,252
All right, let's kick some butt.
You scared?

1376
01:17:52,377 --> 01:17:54,421
Well, well, well.

1377
01:17:55,255 --> 01:17:57,256
You Negroes going
to play basketball, or what?

1378
01:17:57,257 --> 01:18:00,427
Yeah, you Negroes.
What's the matter?

1379
01:18:00,552 --> 01:18:04,347
Did you realize you didn't belong
in a white man's game, you Negroes?

1380
01:18:04,389 --> 01:18:06,974
That's right. This isn't
a game for Negroes.

1381
01:18:06,975 --> 01:18:11,353
It's a game for good, honest
white people, not for Negroes.

1382
01:18:11,354 --> 01:18:13,231
You understand, Negroes?

1383
01:18:14,357 --> 01:18:18,028
- White Knights!
- White Knights!

1384
01:18:19,988 --> 01:18:21,363
Man, Coach, they looked tough.

1385
01:18:21,364 --> 01:18:23,532
"They looked tough"?
I'm so scared!

1386
01:18:23,533 --> 01:18:25,159
You know what they might do?

1387
01:18:25,160 --> 01:18:28,621
One of them might dribble
with his left hand...

1388
01:18:28,622 --> 01:18:31,373
all the way down the lane and then
go up for a left-handed layup...

1389
01:18:31,374 --> 01:18:33,418
and you know what's going
to happen then?

1390
01:18:34,044 --> 01:18:37,255
Your black ass is going
to swat that shit...

1391
01:18:37,380 --> 01:18:42,426
jump over his cracker ass, and
dunk in his goddamn face!

1392
01:18:42,427 --> 01:18:45,429
How many fucking times
do I have to tell you?

1393
01:18:45,430 --> 01:18:49,643
You're black, they're white,
this ain't hockey!

1394
01:18:50,310 --> 01:18:55,065
Guys, I think what Coach is trying to
say is that the key word is "teamwork."

1395
01:18:55,440 --> 01:19:00,403
No, the key word is
"you're black, they're white"!

1396
01:19:01,029 --> 01:19:03,614
So, Coach, what you're saying is,
if we just walk with the Lord...

1397
01:19:03,615 --> 01:19:06,283
The Lord? Nigger, the Lord
done did his part already!

1398
01:19:06,284 --> 01:19:09,454
He made you black.
He made them white.

1399
01:19:09,704 --> 01:19:13,458
He gave you a foot-and-a-half dick!
Dribble with that motherfucker!

1400
01:19:14,668 --> 01:19:17,087
As long as y'all are out
there on the floor...

1401
01:19:17,420 --> 01:19:20,089
you're going to score more
points than them.

1402
01:19:20,090 --> 01:19:22,342
That's just how basketball works!

1403
01:19:27,430 --> 01:19:30,684
Cut that goddamn
slow clap shit out!

1404
01:19:30,725 --> 01:19:33,228
Tries my motherfucking patience!

1405
01:19:33,520 --> 01:19:35,313
Go out there and win!

1406
01:19:36,356 --> 01:19:38,358
- Let's go!
- Come on!

1407
01:20:05,510 --> 01:20:07,637
<i>It was a glorious game.</i>

1408
01:20:08,513 --> 01:20:10,514
<i>But late in the fourth quarter...</i>

1409
01:20:10,515 --> 01:20:14,393
<i>when Lucious Williams dribbled
the entire length of the court...</i>

1410
01:20:14,394 --> 01:20:16,563
<i>with his foot-and-a-half penis...</i>

1411
01:20:16,771 --> 01:20:20,400
<i>the referees had no choice
but to call a technical foul...</i>

1412
01:20:21,026 --> 01:20:24,529
<i>sending young Bobby Lee Mayflower
to the line...</i>

1413
01:20:24,696 --> 01:20:28,074
<i>for the most dramatic
moment of the contest.</i>

1414
01:20:51,139 --> 01:20:52,431
Hey, guys. Hello.

1415
01:20:52,432 --> 01:20:54,100
Who is that woman you are with?

1416
01:20:54,309 --> 01:20:55,684
That's my mother.

1417
01:20:55,685 --> 01:20:57,479
I want your mother.

1418
01:21:01,107 --> 01:21:03,443
- Baxter, turn that shit off, man.
- Okay.

1419
01:21:04,527 --> 01:21:06,207
I'm going to go to
the bathroom, all right?

1420
01:21:12,577 --> 01:21:14,162
I can't fucking do it.

1421
01:21:14,454 --> 01:21:17,206
<i>- I don't know, but I been told
- I don't know, but I been told</i>

1422
01:21:17,207 --> 01:21:18,540
<i>Gym class gives you great big balls</i>

1423
01:21:18,541 --> 01:21:19,584
<i>Gym class gives you...</i>

1424
01:21:23,213 --> 01:21:24,505
Out here shooting the shit.

1425
01:21:24,506 --> 01:21:28,343
Some guys shoot the shit, and some
people get shot with shit. Right?

1426
01:21:28,510 --> 01:21:30,637
- Am I right?
- I don't know what he's talking about.

1427
01:21:30,762 --> 01:21:32,429
You know what the fuck
I'm talking about.

1428
01:21:32,430 --> 01:21:34,349
I want to be on you.

1429
01:21:35,433 --> 01:21:36,768
In you.

1430
01:21:38,770 --> 01:21:40,522
- Sorry. Fuck.
- Not a problem.

1431
01:21:46,611 --> 01:21:47,612
No.

1432
01:21:48,655 --> 01:21:51,241
No, I can just see him
underneath the table.

1433
01:21:52,492 --> 01:21:54,972
And he's had his fingers in
my pussy for the last five minutes.

1434
01:21:55,036 --> 01:21:58,373
It's monstrous. It looks like she's
sitting on Art Garfunkel's shoulders.

1435
01:22:06,548 --> 01:22:09,509
No one leaves this room
till we figure this out.

1436
01:22:11,511 --> 01:22:13,554
Mangled dicks. Mangled...

1437
01:22:13,555 --> 01:22:15,722
Dicks, dicks, dicks, dicks...

1438
01:22:15,723 --> 01:22:18,350
- Mangled dicks.
- Mangled dicks. Mangled...

1439
01:22:18,351 --> 01:22:20,520
- Dicks.
- Dicks.

1440
01:22:20,603 --> 01:22:22,187
I got frozen peas and a sponge.

1441
01:22:22,188 --> 01:22:24,398
No, Mikey, there's steel
wool on one side.

1442
01:22:24,399 --> 01:22:25,566
Shit, you're right.

1443
01:22:25,567 --> 01:22:28,193
Okay, Amanda, you're going to want
to keep the yellow side up.

1444
01:22:28,194 --> 01:22:30,113
Otherwise, there's going
to be lots more blood.

1445
01:22:38,538 --> 01:22:40,540
I suck cock for gold coins.

1446
01:22:42,041 --> 01:22:43,543
So do I.

1447
01:22:56,264 --> 01:22:59,224
So what you're saying is, if we go
out there and give 110 percent...

1448
01:22:59,225 --> 01:23:02,436
A hundred and ten percent!
Fifty percent! Three percent!

1449
01:23:02,437 --> 01:23:05,648
I think what Coach is trying to say is
that the key word here is "teamwork."

1450
01:23:05,732 --> 01:23:09,235
Lucious, will you whip out your dick
and smack this motherfucker with it?

1451
01:23:10,737 --> 01:23:12,446
- What?
- I love you even more.

1452
01:23:12,447 --> 01:23:14,532
- Oh, Anson.
- I do.

1453
01:23:14,991 --> 01:23:16,618
- Me, too.
- You do?

1454
01:23:21,998 --> 01:23:25,126
<i>He's America's favorite cat...
Beezel</i>

1455
01:23:31,549 --> 01:23:33,467
<i>I'm embarrassed to even
say this, but...</i>

1456
01:23:33,468 --> 01:23:34,636
<i>What?</i>

1457
01:23:35,386 --> 01:23:37,555
Amy, ever since you moved
in here, I...

1458
01:23:38,681 --> 01:23:40,474
- What?
- I love you even more.

1459
01:23:40,475 --> 01:23:42,435
- Oh, Anson.
- I do.

1460
01:23:42,477 --> 01:23:44,354
- Me, too.
- You do?

1461
01:23:47,732 --> 01:23:50,235
Beezel! How are you?

1462
01:23:50,693 --> 01:23:53,071
How is my handsome little boy?

1463
01:23:59,035 --> 01:24:03,497
Hey, Anson, do you ever feel like
your relationship with Beezel...

1464
01:24:03,498 --> 01:24:05,291
is a little strange?

1465
01:24:05,708 --> 01:24:06,709
Amy!

1466
01:24:07,585 --> 01:24:09,378
Please don't tell me
you're one of those girls...

1467
01:24:09,379 --> 01:24:11,339
that gets jealous of a guy's pet!

1468
01:24:11,464 --> 01:24:14,592
Even if that pet is thuper thilly!

1469
01:24:15,051 --> 01:24:18,637
No, no. I just don't think
he likes me very much.

1470
01:24:18,638 --> 01:24:21,306
Come on, Amy. He loves you!

1471
01:24:21,307 --> 01:24:22,684
- Really?
- Yeah.

1472
01:24:23,309 --> 01:24:24,477
There we go.

1473
01:24:26,771 --> 01:24:28,356
Now, where were we?

1474
01:24:37,615 --> 01:24:39,033
What's wrong?

1475
01:24:41,619 --> 01:24:42,662
Nothing.

1476
01:25:29,709 --> 01:25:31,711
Get off of me!

1477
01:25:58,696 --> 01:26:00,406
- What happened?
- Beezel...

1478
01:26:00,740 --> 01:26:03,576
pissed all over me!

1479
01:26:03,993 --> 01:26:05,995
Oh, no, he just sprayed you.

1480
01:26:06,120 --> 01:26:09,706
It's something male cats do sometimes.
It means he likes you.

1481
01:26:09,707 --> 01:26:11,583
- He likes me?
- Yeah.

1482
01:26:11,584 --> 01:26:14,712
Or it could mean that he's sick.
Buddy, are you sick?

1483
01:26:14,754 --> 01:26:17,381
Anson, he did this on purpose!

1484
01:26:17,382 --> 01:26:21,093
- I caught him masturbating.
- He was probably just cleaning himself.

1485
01:26:21,094 --> 01:26:24,638
It was to pictures of you
in a swimsuit!

1486
01:26:24,639 --> 01:26:27,140
Cats can't even process
images in that way.

1487
01:26:27,141 --> 01:26:29,726
But he is not a normal cat.

1488
01:26:29,727 --> 01:26:30,977
Of course he is.

1489
01:26:30,978 --> 01:26:34,107
He just put a fucking
thermometer in his mouth!

1490
01:26:34,315 --> 01:26:35,650
He thinks it's a toy.

1491
01:26:40,405 --> 01:26:41,739
Oh, Beezel.

1492
01:26:43,616 --> 01:26:45,617
Anson. I love you.

1493
01:26:45,618 --> 01:26:48,620
I do, but as long as that
little fucker is around...

1494
01:26:48,621 --> 01:26:50,206
I cannot be with you.

1495
01:26:50,373 --> 01:26:52,667
No, Amy, Amy. Look.

1496
01:26:54,001 --> 01:26:56,545
If it'll make you happy,
I'll find another home for Beezel.

1497
01:26:56,546 --> 01:26:57,755
He's just a cat.

1498
01:26:58,965 --> 01:27:00,133
But you...

1499
01:27:01,342 --> 01:27:02,760
you're the woman that I love.

1500
01:27:04,554 --> 01:27:07,473
- You'd get rid of him?
- I will.

1501
01:27:07,765 --> 01:27:09,474
- I love you.
- I love you.

1502
01:27:09,475 --> 01:27:10,685
No, I love you.

1503
01:27:34,500 --> 01:27:37,044
<i>Beezel, where are you, boy?</i>

1504
01:27:37,378 --> 01:27:39,338
Come out, come out,
you little rat-fucker.

1505
01:27:40,173 --> 01:27:41,466
Beezel!

1506
01:27:43,092 --> 01:27:46,470
Shit, I told my mother we'd
have him there in an hour.

1507
01:27:46,471 --> 01:27:49,056
She was nice enough
to take him off our hands.

1508
01:27:49,432 --> 01:27:52,143
- Do you mind checking outside for him?
- Absolutely.

1509
01:27:52,435 --> 01:27:53,686
I'm going to go upstairs.

1510
01:27:56,731 --> 01:27:58,107
Beezel?

1511
01:28:34,101 --> 01:28:37,563
That's it, you son of a bitch!

1512
01:28:41,108 --> 01:28:43,110
Cock-sucking...

1513
01:28:44,028 --> 01:28:45,737
motherfucking...

1514
01:28:45,738 --> 01:28:48,574
Garfield reject piece of shit!

1515
01:28:52,161 --> 01:28:54,330
Die, you...

1516
01:28:55,164 --> 01:28:58,084
dick-loving devil cat!

1517
01:29:05,508 --> 01:29:08,135
What?

1518
01:29:09,762 --> 01:29:11,097
Don't look.

1519
01:29:11,514 --> 01:29:14,308
Mommy, she's beating that cat...

1520
01:29:15,059 --> 01:29:16,102
to death!

1521
01:29:17,311 --> 01:29:19,063
He tried to kill me.

1522
01:29:19,355 --> 01:29:21,190
No, you don't understand.

1523
01:29:21,524 --> 01:29:24,068
You don't understand.

1524
01:29:28,030 --> 01:29:29,407
Please.

1525
01:29:31,492 --> 01:29:33,035
Get her!