So here's what you missed on Glee.
Sue tried to shoot Brittany out of a cannon.
It wasn't safe, so Brit, Santana and Quinn quit the Cheerios.
- Sucks for you. - Now we get to see what they look like in street clothes.
Finn broke up with Rachel because she made out with Puck,
but then Quinn kissed Finn after the big game, even though she's been dating Sam.
Yikes! It used to be a love triangle, and now it's like a pentagon.
And that's what you missed on Glee.
[Puck Narrating] We all know I'm not the smartest guy in the world,
but there are two lessons I learned the hard way.
One: Never punch a cop.
The other one: You can't choose love. Love chooses you.
I mean, I could have any girl I wanted,
but here I am in the middle of Geometry or English or something,
and the only girl I've got my eye on is...
a whole lot of woman.
I owe it all to sectionals.
We needed a 12th member, and I told her if she joined the Glee Club,
I'd give her seven minutes in heaven.
But what went down in that janitor's closet was... epic.
- You're really not good at this and kinda scrawny. - You gotta be kidding me.
Yeah, you're not turning me on at all.
- Later, sad sack. - But that was only three minutes.
Three minutes I'll never get back.
Maybe it's because she's constantly insulting me like my mom.
[School Bell Rings] Maybe I just dig a chick with curves.
But it's almost Valentine's Day, and it's official.
Stare at me again, and I'll break your nuts.
Also, these candies you gave me: They sucked.
- But you ate all of them. - I had to make sure they all sucked.
I'm in love with Lauren Zizes.
[School Bell Rings]
[Finn Narrating] It's amazing what actually accomplishing something does to a person.
I know what you're thinking... that they're all only into me...
because I won the first conference championship in this school's history,
but I've changed.
I'm walking taller, carrying a bigger stick...
and using it to fight off the ladies.
- I love you, Finnie-bear. - Thanks, Becky.
- Oh! - Be my valentine?
Awesome. I'll keep you posted.
Copy that.
Yeah. I've been collecting a lot of hearts lately.
Only question is which one to choose.
Bingo. I just need to go for this.
Maybe the reason it never worked out with Rachel was because I was never over Quinn.
I know I can pry her away from Sam if I can get her to kiss me again.
The ridiculous thing is that I could get every girl in this school to kiss me but her.
Game on.
Okay, I'm all for flair, but these Valentine Day decorations are just tacky.
I mean, what the hell is this supposed to be?
It's clearly puppy love. It's cute. Come on.
[Kissing] I love you! Oh!
Adorable. Okay, this is creepy.
It's a simple excuse to sell candy and greeting cards on a holiday.
Not true. People have been celebrating Valentine's Day for centuries.
And call me a hopeless romantic, but it's my favorite holiday. Really?
I think there's something really great about a day...
where you're encouraged to just lay it all on the line and say to somebody,
"I'm in love with you."
You know?
And this year I wanna do something really radical, so I need your opinion on this.
[Inhales] But there's this guy that I sort of... like,
and I've only known him for a little while,
but I wanna tell him that I think my feelings are starting to change into something...
deeper. [Sighs]
So I have to ask, do you think it's too much...
to sing to somebody on Valentine's Day?
Not at all.
[Girl] What can I get you?
A medium drip and a grande nonfat mocha for this guy,
and maybe I could get 'em to split one of those Cupid cookies.
You know my coffee order?
Of course I do.
That'll be 8.40.
Don't even bother, dummy. It's on me.
Keep the change.
I do believe I have a new favorite holiday.
[School Bell Rings] All right, guys. I have one word for you.
- Brittany. - Is it "love"?
I'm totally gonna graduate now!
Valentine's Day is comin' up, so for this week's lesson,
I want you guys to pick a partner...
because you're gonna sing to them what you think is the world's greatest love song.
Yeah. Find a song that communicates all the things that love means to you.
- Now, partner up. - Mr. Schue?
Can I say something?
I just wanted to point out that, for the first time,
an entire week has gone by without any one of us getting Slusheed.
I think the fact that I led the football team to a conference championship...
might have something to do with it.
Fact is that I'm the closest thing that this Glee Club has to a celebrity right now,
and, just like a famous athlete, I wanna give to a charity.
You guys.
So I'm setting up a kissing booth for a dollar a smooch,
and donating the proceeds to Glee Club to help us...
Don't even act like you're trying to help this Glee Club out.
You just want to kiss a bunch of girls.
I've kissed Finn, and can I just say, "Not worth a buck."
I would, however, pay $100 to jiggle one of his man boobs.
- Do you ever get tired of tearing other people down? - No, not really.
'Cause you always just seem to be meddling in everybody else's business.
Oh, please. You guys love me.
I keep it real, and I'm hilarious.
Actually, you're just a bitch.
- Okay. - Whoa, whoa.
I'm sorry. You've just got eyes for my man.
Okay, first of all, I'm not your man.
And Finn is right. All you ever do is insult us.
Three weeks ago, you said you were disappointed that I didn't have a lizard baby.
Five minutes ago, you said Mr. Schue belonged in a twelve-step program.
- Wait, what? - You're addicted to vests.
The truth is, Santana, you can dish it out, but you can't take it.
Okay, maybe you're right. Maybe I am destined to play...
the title role in the Broadway musical version of Willow,
but the only job you're gonna have is working on a pole.
[Students Murmuring] Fine.
Santana. [School Bell Rings]
Maybe try rocking back and forth. People do that in movies.
No. 'Cause I just try to be really, really honest with people...
when I think that they suck, you know?
Yeah. No one gets it.
I suppose you want me to thank you for sticking up for me today,
except that makes it seem like I need somebody to stick up for me, so...
Oh, no, no. Trust me.
I know that you don't need me to stick up for you.
- You're all kinds of tough. - Mmm. That's true.
How about you let me take you to Breadstix for Valentine's Day?
You seriously think it's that easy?
I'm not desperate, so if you really want this, you best come correct.
Because I spell "woman" Z-l-Z-E-S.
And I need to be wooed. You understand me?
Wooed.
Damn.
Hey. Whatcha doin'?
Nothing. Just, uh, daydreaming. Plotting weekend outfits.
Well, come on. You're gonna want to see this.
I've called an emergency meeting of The Warblers' Council.
Sounds serious. Let's hope not.
I just need to ask them a tiny, little favor.
- This emergency meeting is called to order. - [Twitters]
Junior member Blaine Anderson, the floor is yours.
Esteemed Council, I'll be brief.
Simply put...
- I'm in love. - [All] Ooh!
Congrats.
I'm not really good at talking about my feelings. I'm much better at singing them.
But still, I could use a little help.
Which is why I'm asking to enlist The Warblers...
to help serenade this individual in song...
off-campus.
- What? - Off-campus?
Yeah, right. No way. Uh-uh. Are you serious?
I... I know what I'm asking is slightly unusual.
The Warblers haven't performed in an informal setting since 1927,
when the Spirit of St. Louis overshot the tarmac and plowed through seven Warblers...
during an impromptu rendition of "Welcome to Ohio, Lucky Lindy."
Why would we even consider what you're asking?
I firmly believe that our reticence to perform in public...
nearly cost us a trip to regionals.
We're becoming privileged, porcelain birds.
[All Shouting]
- You mock us, sir! - [Gavel Raps]
- Thad, David, I will have order. - May I please say something?
With respect, I believe Blaine has a point.
The Warblers are so concerned with image and tradition...
that sometimes I feel like we miss out on opportunities to step outside our comfort zones.
When I was on New Directions, we performed in front of hostile crowds...
pretty much anywhere we went.
I mean, mattress stores, shopping malls.
- I had a cat thrown at me in a nursing home once. - [All Laughing]
But it- It gave us confidence. It kept us loose.
And where would this performance take place?
The Gap at the North Hills mall.
I'd like to call it "The Warblers' Gap Attack."
Why The Gap?
The guy that I like is a junior manager.
[Gavel Raps] [Wes] All those in favor?
- [Kurt] I was absolutely devastated. - ♪♪ [Woman: '60s Pop]
Did he ever actually say you two were dating?
Well, not in so many words.
Well, did he put the moves on?
No, but we were always singing duets, and he was always smiling at me.
Oh, my God, I made up the whole thing in my head, didn't I?
Listen, we've all been there. At least I have, with you.
I know exactly what you mean.
I mean, if Finn thinks that he's just gonna walk out of my life, he's wrong.
'Cause I'm gonna go up to that kissing booth tomorrow with a $100 bill,
and he's not gonna be able to make change.
Then he's gonna be forced to kiss me 100 times,
- and when his lips touch mine... - [Mercedes] Hey.
He's gonna feel it. We're supposed to be giving Kurt advice, remember?
Yeah. [Chuckles]
- So you are going to The Gap Attack though, right? - Sh-Should I?
Yes! Mm-hmm.
Scope out the competition. See what this guy's like.
You know, you two are both so guy crazy.
Yeah. Look at me. I don't have a date for Valentine's Day, and I could give a rip.
The three of us are divas.
Look at our idols: Whitney, Barbra, Patti LuPone.
They all became stars while they were single.
They took all the pain and loneliness, and they put it into their music.
People can relate to it. Everybody feels lonely.
Harnessing this pain is why they became legends.
Why has this never occurred to me?
Sometimes you have to choose between love and talent,
and, as far as I'm concerned, we all need to fly solo for a while.
It's so nice to be around girls for a change.
Aw. Here. Don't sit on the pizza.
[All Giggling]
♪ Are you gonna take me home tonight? ♪
♪ Oh, down beside that red firelight ♪
♪ Are you gonna let it all hang out? ♪
♪ Fat-bottomed girls, you make the rockin' world go round ♪
Hey!
♪ I was just a skinny lad ♪
♪ Never knew no good from bad ♪
♪ But I knew love before I left my nursery ♪
♪ Left alone with big fat Fanny ♪
♪ She was such a naughty nanny ♪
♪ Hey, big woman, you made a bad boy outta me ♪
♪ I've been singin' with my band ♪
♪ Across the water Across the land ♪
♪ I seen every blue-eyed floozy on the way ♪
♪ Hey ♪ Whoo!
♪ But their beauty and their style ♪ Whoo!
♪ Went kinda smooth after a while ♪
♪ Take me to them lardy ladies every time ♪
- Come on! - ♪ Oh, won't you take me home tonight? ♪
♪ Oh, down beside your red firelight ♪
♪ Are you gonna let it all hang out? ♪
♪ Fat-bottomed girls, you make the rockin' world go round ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪ - ♪ Fat-bottomed girls, you make the... ♪
♪ Rockin' world go round ♪
Get on your bikes and ride!
♪ Ooh, yeah ♪
- ♪ Oh, yeah Them fat-bottomed girls ♪ - ♪ Fat-bottomed girls ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪♪
[All Cheering, Applauding]
So, um, what did you think?
I mean, that's kind of my love song to you, 'cause...
you know, you're a little on the heavier side,
but, like the song says, you know, I'm kind of into it, so...
That was the first time anyone ever sang me a love song.
And it made me feel like crap.
- [School Bell Rings] - [Girls Shrieking]
I want tongue.
Uh, thanks, Becky.
- [Kisses Loudly] - Yes!
[Dings] Oh. Sorry, ladies. Brush and floss time.
I gotta keep up with the oral hygiene if I'm gonna satisfy all of you. Sorry.
I know why you're doing this.
You know I'm the only girl in school that won't kiss you,
and you think the peer pressure will get to me.
Well, it is sort of uncool that you...
you're too uptight to spend a buck for a good cause like Glee Club.
I'm not kissing you again.
What are you so afraid of?
Leading you on, hurting my boyfriend.
Your boyfriend's a boy.
Tell me you don't wanna kiss me right now.
[Inhales] I can't do this.
I saw it. You guys' faces were, like, right up next to each other.
Kissing distance.
What are these things?
They're called records. People used to listen to music on them.
I'm looking for a classic love song to sing to you for our assignment,
because, despite your confusion about the matter,
you are the only guy I'm ever within kissing distance of.
Okay, so answer me this then. Why haven't you kissed Finn at his booth yet?
Okay, first you're all up in my business for kissing Finn,
- and now you're pissed at me for not kissing him. - It's odd!
- Something seems fishy. I mean... - [Laughing] This is insane.
Shh!
- Everyone thinks I'm dumb. - Not... everyone.
But I'm not. At least, not about you.
You play it cool, but you're ambitious.
You like being the queen bee,
and you think being with star quarterback Finn is gonna put you up there...
whether you're wearing a Cheerio's uniform or not.
- I'm pretty, but I ain't dumb. - Fine.
Right after Glee rehearsal, I'm kissing Finn.
[School Bell Rings]
Thanks.
- Are you sure you can handle this? - Oh, absolutely.
No, I... I've decided that I'm better off without you.
Not without you specifically,
but without any man who's gonna keep me from achieving my goals of stardom.
Sweet. Uh.
Well, we should probably kiss. There's a lineup.
What- What the hell? On the cheek?
W-Wait. I thought you said you were over me.
I am, but I still... I still want a real kiss. That was not a dollar kiss.
I knew you were lying about being through with love and all that stuff.
Okay, fine. I still love you, okay? Is that what you wanna hear?
Why can't you just forgive me?
You cheated on me. That means something.
What does it mean? That I was stupid? That I was angry?
I don't care about Puck. I don't care about anybody but you.
It's Valentine's Day.
Oh, yeah. I ordered it for you for Christmas before we broke up.
Just open it.
I think you're right about wanting to be alone for a while.
'Cause let's face it, Rachel, you're better than everyone in this school.
You don't need me or any other guy to anchor you to Lima.
You're a real star.
You need to shine.
Just because I can't be with you...
doesn't mean I don't believe in you.
[Case Closes] Thank you.
[School Bell Rings]
It's weird.
Who'd have guessed that the quiet, skinny Asian guy and the kid in the wheelchair...
would end up dating two of the raddest girls in school?
Yeah. No jealousy, no drama.
Nope.
I don't know how we did it. I do.
We're dope. ♪♪ [Pop]
You know, you... You make me feel so good inside.
[Chuckles] I always wanted a girl just like you.
Such a P.Y.T. Pretty Young Thing.
Ooh!
♪ Where did you come from, baby? ♪
♪ And, ooh won't you take me there? ♪
♪ Right away Won't you, baby? ♪
♪ Tenderoni you've got to be ♪
♪ Spark my nature, sugar Fly with me ♪
♪ Don't you know now is the perfect time? ♪
♪ We can make it right Hit the city lights ♪
♪ Then tonight ease the lovin' pain ♪
♪ Let me take you to the max ♪
♪ I want to love you ♪
- [Glee Club] ♪ P.Y.T. ♪ - ♪ Pretty Young Thing ♪
♪ You need some lovin' ♪
♪ T.L.C. ♪ ♪ Tender Lovin' Care ♪
♪ And I'll take you there ♪
♪ Girl, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ I want to love you ♪
- ♪ P.Y.T. ♪ - ♪ Pretty Young Thing ♪
♪ You need some lovin' ♪
- ♪ T.L.C. ♪ - ♪ Tender Lovin' Care ♪
♪ And I'll take you there ♪
♪ Hee ♪
[Robotic Voice] ♪ Pretty Young Thing ♪ [Both Grunt]
♪ What do you say? ♪ [Panting]
♪ Pretty Young Things, repeat after me ♪
♪ Sing "Na na na" ♪ [All] ♪ Na na na ♪
- ♪ "Na na na na" ♪ - ♪ Na na na na ♪
♪ Sing "Na na na" ♪ ♪ Na na na ♪
- ♪ "Na na na na na" ♪ - ♪ Na na na na na ♪
♪ I'll take you there ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
- ♪ Ooh ♪ - ♪ P.Y.T. ♪
♪ Ah, baby ♪ ♪ T.L.C. ♪
♪ Ah, baby ♪♪
- That's my man, and his legs don't work. - Tenderoni!
I'm so in love, I may just start crying.
[School Bell Rings]
- What's that? - It's a receipt. I went to Jared.
You can reimburse me.
We'll have dinner at Breadstix, and then we can consider this settled.
Um, no. And consider what settled?
Look, you made your point. I'm sort of a bitch.
But I'm willing to change.
I won't tell Lauren to look out for poachers...
who might mistake her for the endangered white rhino.
I heard that. Don't make me rip that weave out ya' head.
Oh, this is not gonna be good.
Hello, Lauren. You are a beautiful person. Thank you.
Now get out of my way, please, afores I ends you.
You don't wanna push me.
Oh. [Forced Laugh] But see, I sorta do.
I'm from a part of town called Lima Heights Adjacent.
You know where that is, Poppin' Fresh?
It's on the wrong side of the tracks.
[Shouting]
Aaah!
Ow! Come on! [Whimpers]
[Screams]
[Shouts]
[Straining]
[Grunts]
Hey! Knock it off and get going!
[Panting] That's how we do it in Lima Heights.
- [Beiste] Let's get you to the nurse. - [Santana Groaning]
Please go out with me. Just please.
You make a formal presentation,
and I'll consider it.
[School Bell Rings]
[Sam] Wait. Hold on. I wanna see this.
- Pervert? - I'd prefer "chaperone" and also "boyfriend."
- Satisfied? - Yeah.
Mmm. Let's go.
So I took a bunch of those records you were lookin' at in the library,
and I'm gonna load them into my iTunes. Hey, I forgot my purse.
[Whispers] Meet me tomorrow afternoon in the auditorium.
Fireworks.
That's him. The blond one folding sweaters.
[Kurt] Mmm. I can see the appeal. That's quite a head of hair.
[Blaine] His name is Jeremiah.
If he and I got married, The Gap would give me a 50% discount.
This is insane. I don't know what I'm doing.
We haven't even really gone out on a date. We... We shouldn't do this.
Okay, come on, come on. Man up. You're amazing. [Sighs]
He's gonna love you.
[Warblers Together] ♪ Vum vum vum vum ♪
♪ Oh ♪
[Warblers Vocalizing Throughout] ♪ Baby girl, where you at? ♪
♪ Got no strings Got men attached ♪
♪ Can't stop that feelin' for long, no ♪
♪ Mmm ♪
♪ You makin' dogs wanna beg ♪
♪ Breaking them off your fancy legs ♪
♪ But they make you feel right at home, now ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ See all these illusions just take us too long ♪
♪ And I want it bad ♪
♪ Because you walk pretty Because you talk pretty 'Cause you make me sick ♪
♪ And I'm not leavin' till you're leavin' ♪
♪ Oh, I swear there's something when she's pumpin' Asking for a raise ♪
♪ Well, does she want me to carry her home now? ♪
♪ So does she want me to buy her things? ♪
♪ On my house On my job ♪
♪ On my loot, shoes, my shirt, my crew, my mind, my father's last name ♪
♪ When I get you alone ♪ [Warblers] ♪ Alone ♪
♪ When I get you you'll know, babe ♪ ♪ Know ♪
♪ When I get you alone ♪ ♪ Alone ♪
♪ When I get you alone ♪
♪ Oh, come on ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Baby girl, you the shh ♪
♪ That makes you my equivalent ♪
♪ Well, you can keep your toys in the drawer tonight ♪
♪ All right All my dogs talkin' fast ♪
♪ Ain't you got some photographs? ♪
♪ 'Cause you shook that room like a star, now ♪
♪ Yes, you did Yes, you did ♪
♪ All these intrusions just take us too long ♪
♪ And I want you so bad ♪
♪ Because you walk city Because you talk city 'Cause you make me sick ♪
♪ And I'm not leavin' till you're leavin' ♪
♪ So I pray to something she ain't bluffin' Rubbin' up on me ♪
♪ Well, does she want me to make a vow? Check it ♪
♪ Well, does she want me to make it now? ♪
♪ On my house On my job ♪
♪ On my loot, shoes, my voice, my crew, my mind, my father's last name ♪
♪ When I get you alone ♪ ♪ Alone ♪
♪ When I get you you'll know, babe ♪ ♪ Know ♪
♪ When I get you alone ♪ ♪ Alone ♪
♪ When I get you alone ♪
♪ Oh, when I get you alone ♪♪
[All Applauding]
Was it too much?
Yeah, it was too much.
Jeremiah. Hey.
- What the hell were you doing? - What?
I just got fired.
You can't just bust a groove in the middle of somebody else's workplace.
- But they loved it. - Well, my boss didn't.
Neither did I. No one here knows I'm gay.
Can I be honest? Just with the hair, I think they do.
Blaine, let's just be clear here.
You and I got coffee twice. We're not dating.
If we were, I'd get arrested, 'cause you're underage.
[School Bell Rings] Oh, yeah. That's my ear. I love it. I like it.
- [Giggling] - [Santana Narrating] Oh, gross.
How is this possible?
I'm the hottest piece of action at this school,
and here I am on Valentine's, single.
[Scoffs] Whatever. I'll just marry an NFL player.
They're super reliable.
Wait, that's... weird.
Quinn's wearing her queen bitch smirk,
and Finn only wears that gassy infant look when he feels guilty about something.
Holy, sweet hell! They're fooling around!
I know what cheating looks like. I do it all the time.
Huh.
Well, I think it's time to do what Santana does best.
Revenge.
I've always loved volunteering at the local hospital.
And not just because of the sexy candy striper outfit.
Giving back is so important.
Excuse me. Are there any sick students I can help you tend to?
Wes Fahey's down with mono, and he's waiting for his mom to pick him up.
But you shouldn't go in there. He's highly contagious.
Please. I've had mono so many times, it turned into stereo.
Hi.
So I'm gonna need to borrow your germs.
[Sighs]
Thanks.
Mmm. Whoa.
- Whoa. - Sorry about that. I couldn't help myself.
If I have anything, I hope it's not contagious.
Wh-What?
Hi.
[School Bell Rings] What is this place?
It's a library.
Haven't you been in here before?
No? Okay.
I don't understand. You said you wanna formally ask me out,
but I see no envelope of cash, no muffin basket.
- I sang to you. - An offensive song.
[Sighs] I don't think you're ready for this jelly.
Wait. I mean, let's be honest here.
You look... the way you look,
and I'm embracing that.
I mean, it turns me on, babe.
I look like America looks.
And like America, I need more than just a song to get my juices flowin'.
Lauren Zizes, will you go to Breadstix with me tomorrow night?
Tomorrow's not Valentine's Day.
Tomorrow's the pre-date.
'Cause our mouths are gonna be too busy mackin' out on Valentine's Day to eat anything.
[Laughs]
I like your style, Puckerman. I dine at 8:00.
Now get outta here before I change my mind.
[School Bell Rings] Good-bye.
Sorry, I was at church.
- Praying for the strength to come? - Not to.
You realize this is making me a cheater.
The thing that hurt you so badly...
that it made you break up with me...
and Rachel.
You know why it hurt so bad when you guys cheated on me?
- 'Cause it meant you didn't love me. - That's not true.
No, at least not enough to not wanna hurt me. That's the thing about cheating.
When you really love someone, you do anything to keep them safe.
- I love Sam. - No, you don't.
Or else you wouldn't have come here.
Fine. I think I love him.
No matter what happens between us,
I'm not gonna break up with Sam until I know for sure one way or another.
Okay.
Don't you think you can love two people at one time?
Not totally. You have to choose eventually.
Not yet.
[Cash Register Beeping]
Ugh. Don't they have anything here that isn't covered with stupid little hearts?
- Gross. - Well, you've certainly changed your tune.
I don't think I've ever made that big a fool of myself,
which is really saying something, because I've performed at theme parks.
[Sighs] I just- I can't believe I made it all up in my head.
Okay, can I ask you something?
Because we've always been completely honest with each other.
You and I... we hang out.
We sing flirty duets together. You know my coffee order.
Was I supposed to think that that was nothing?
What do you mean?
I thought the guy that you wanted to ask out on Valentine's Day... was me.
Wow.
I really am clueless.
Look, Kurt.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I pretend like I do, and I know how to act it out in song,
but the truth is,
I've never really been anyone's boyfriend.
Me neither.
Let me be really clear about something.
I really, really care about you,
but as you and about 20 mortified shoppers saw,
I'm not very good at romance.
I don't wanna screw this up.
So it's just like When Harry Met Sally, but I get to play Meg Ryan.
Deal.
Don't they, uh, get together in the end?
Could I get a nonfat mocha and a medium drip for my friend, Billy Crystal?
Ah, you know my coffee order.
You know what? I think I got something for us to do on Valentine's Day.
[Sighs] Thanks for doin' this.
- It really takes the sting off. - It's cool.
- My dad's a drug addict, so losers make me horny. - I'm not a loser.
This is the first time I've ever been stood up.
Must be some chick to blow you off.
Rochelle, I've been covering your section for 15 minutes.
Your break's over, and your husband called.
[School Bell Rings] [Sighs]
Well, I did it.
I kissed every girl in the school and raised $324 for the Glee Club.
All right, Finn, thanks. That'll pay for half a ticket to nationals, so...
still a long way to go. [Scattered Applause]
You all right? Okay.
Now I believe it's time to hear...
what the world's greatest love song means to Miss Tina Cohen-Chang.
- Come on up. - Whoo!
Is anyone else hot? It's really stuffy in here.
This is for you, Mike. Happy Valentine's Day.
♪ My funny valentine ♪
♪ Sweet, comic valentine ♪
♪ You make me smile with my heart ♪
[Voice Shaking] ♪ Your looks are laughable ♪
[Weeping] ♪ Unphotographable ♪
♪ Yet you're my favorite work of art ♪
[Continues Sobbing]
♪ Is your figure less than Greek? ♪
♪ Is your mouth a little weak? ♪
♪ When you open... ♪
[Gasping] ♪ Are you smart? ♪
♪ Stay— ♪ Oh, God.
♪ Valentine ♪ [Sobbing]
♪ Stay ♪
♪ Every day is Valentine's Day when I'm with you ♪♪
- I'm so overcome with love. - Okay, wow. That was... powerful.
- [Tina] I love you, Mike Chang. - Almost too powerful.
Mr. Schue, can I be excused? I don't feel well.
Me either. I feel sick.
Let me guess.
You have a sore throat, your glands are swollen, and you're feverish.
Yeah. Yeah, which is why I need to go to the nurse.
It sounds like you have mono.
Otherwise known as "the kissing disease."
But you know what really helps spread it? A little tongue.
Which is weird, because it sounds like Quinn here has it too.
I was there when they kissed. It was just a peck.
So how about we stop talking about tonguing, and Finn and I go to the nurse?
You know what? I think that is a capital idea.
I've cheated twice in my life.
The first time, I got pregnant.
The second time, I got mono.
[Inhales] I think the universe is trying to tell me something.
Maybe. But I think Sam likes you enough to believe whatever story you told him.
Santana is such a bitch.
[Curtain Opens] It looks like mono to me. I called your mothers.
You can hang here till they pick you up, but no kissing.
I'm not done with us yet.
You have to stop.
Nothing can happen between us until I figure out what's going on with me and Sam,
and you figure out what's going on with you and Rachel.
But... nothing's...
Nothing's going on with me and Rachel.
All I know is that when I don't catch you staring at me,
you're staring at her.
[School Bell Rings]
- Hello, Lauren. - What's with the Chilly Willy, Puckerman?
Honestly!
I'm not used to getting stood up.
Last night? Breadstix?
Oh, we had a date, didn't we?
Look, I get it.
You've been hurt by guys before, but I'm telling you, I'm not like that.
First of all, you got a girl pregnant last year,
so, uh, yeah, you are.
And "B": What makes you assume guys treat me badly? I can take care of myself.
That's what I like about you.
I'm not into you because you... have curves.
I... What I like is that you're a girl who's an even bigger badass than me.
Can I be honest with you? I like you.
I used to think you were smokin',
but a lot of that had to do with the fact that I thought you were mixed race,
and that never fails to get me goin'.
Here's the thing, Puckerman. I'm not just lookin' for somebody to fool around with,
so if you're really into me, you gotta take it slow.
I suppose I could give that a shot.
Then you're on for Valentine's Day.
As friends.
[School Bell Rings]
- Where's Quinn? - Uh.
Her mom picked her up a few hours ago.
Quinn really is very pretty.
You don't have to do that, you know.
No. I would do it for anyone.
She's prettier than me.
Would you stop? You're beautiful.
I know she is.
It meant so much to me that you chose me over her.
Girls like me don't get chosen over girls like her very much.
Did you kiss her? Like Santana said?
Yeah, yeah. But I... I just needed to get it out of my system.
So what did it feel like...
when you kissed her?
Fireworks.
Did you see fireworks when you kissed me?
- Rachel, wait. - No.
It's good. Thank you.
Look, you've given me the strength to move on.
I know now that there's... nothing here for me anymore.
That's not the truth.
I still...
I'm just... I'm so confused in my head right now.
No, it's okay. Look, I understand.
And now I'm free to pursue my dreams without anything holding me back.
And you've actually inspired my song selection for this week's love song assignment.
Feel better, Finn.
♪♪ [Pop]
♪ Do you ever feel like a plastic bag? ♪
♪ Drifting through the wind ♪
♪ Wanting to start again ♪
♪ Do you ever feel Feel so paper-thin? ♪
♪ Like a house of cards one blow from caving in ♪
♪ Do you ever feel already buried deep? ♪
♪ Six-feet-under screams but no one seems to hear a thing ♪
♪ Do you know that there's still a chance for you? ♪
♪ 'Cause there's a spark in you ♪
♪ You just gotta ignite the light ♪
♪ And let it shine ♪
♪ Just own the night ♪
♪ Like the Fourth of July ♪
♪ 'Cause, baby, you're a firework ♪
♪ Come on, show 'em what you're worth ♪
♪ Make 'em go, "Oh, oh, oh" ♪
♪ As you shoot across the sky-y-y ♪
♪ Baby, you're a firework ♪
♪ Come on Let your colors burst ♪
♪ Make 'em go, "Oh, oh, oh" ♪
♪ You're gonna leave 'em goin', "Oh, oh, oh" ♪
♪ Baby, you're a firework ♪
♪ Come on Let your colors burst ♪
♪ Make 'em go, "Oh, oh, oh" ♪
♪ You're gonna leave 'em goin', "Oh, oh, oh" ♪
♪ Boom, boom, boom ♪
♪ Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon ♪
♪ Boom, boom, boom ♪
♪ Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon ♪♪
Mind if we join you?
[Sighs] I would love that.
[Feedback] Testing, one, two, three. Testing, one, two, three.
All right. So happy Valentine's Day, everybody. [Chuckles]
For those of you Breadstix patrons who don't know who I am,
I am Kurt Hummel, and welcome to my first ever Lonely Hearts Club dinner.
Whether you are single with hope,
or madly in love and are here because I forced you to come out and support me,
sit back and enjoy.
And to all the singles out there, this is our year.
[Harmonizing] ♪ How can I tell you ♪ ♪ I can't explain ♪
♪ About my loved one? ♪ ♪ The feeling's plain to me Say, can't you see? ♪
♪ How can I tell you ♪ ♪ Ah, he gave me more He gave it all to me ♪
♪ About my loved one? ♪ ♪ Say, can't you see? ♪
♪ You'd think that people would have had enough of silly love songs ♪
♪♪ [Warblers Vocalizing Throughout]
♪ But I look around me and I see it isn't so ♪
♪ Oh, no ♪
♪ Some people wanna fill the world with silly love songs ♪
♪ And what's wrong with that? ♪
♪ I'd like to know ♪
♪ 'Cause here I go again ♪
♪ I love you ♪
♪ Love doesn't come in a minute ♪
[Warblers] ♪ Doesn't come in a minute ♪
- ♪ Sometimes it doesn't come at all ♪ - ♪ Doesn't come at all ♪
- ♪ I only know that when I'm in it ♪ - ♪ Only know when I'm in it ♪
- ♪ It isn't silly ♪ - ♪ At all ♪
- ♪ No, it isn't silly ♪ - ♪ At all ♪
♪ Love isn't silly at all ♪
♪ Not at all ♪
♪♪ [Warblers Vocalizing Throughout]
♪ I love you ♪
[Harmonizing] ♪ I can't explain ♪ ♪ How can I tell you ♪
♪ The feeling's plain to me Say, can't you see? ♪ ♪ About my loved one? ♪
- ♪ Ah, she gave me more She gave it all to me ♪ - ♪ How can I tell you ♪
- ♪ Now, can't you see? ♪ - ♪ About my loved one? ♪
♪♪ [Vocalizing]
♪♪ [Ends] [Cheering]
♪♪ [Vocalizing]
♪♪ [Harmonic Vocalizing]
♪♪ [Ends]
English - US - PSDH