Third day of high school, and I,
Victor Knudsen, was hit by an epidemic.
And we're not talking about your everyday epidemic like chicken pox.
Or the flu. Nope, we're talking a case of total, incurable...
"Anya-itis".
Hello, gorgeous.
It's not so much the fact
that she's the most beautiful girl in the history of the world.
It's that... well...
- Whassup, ladies? - Hey, Peter!
Why don't you boys go park my precious?
Sure thing, Peter.
If you scratch her, you die.
Open house this evening. Please come by.
Nothing feels quite like expensive wheels. Not even sex.
You ladies should stop by Nick and Ernie's party tonight.
It's gonna be off the hook.
Especially you mama. I'll make sure you're on the VIP list.
Take a hike, losers.
They'd never set foot at your retarded little party.
Yo, Vic!
Hey, Vic!
Is he even alive?
Come on, this is your big chance.
Never mind the fact that she's the world's most unattainable girl.
And that's... maybe her boyfriend.
Just walk on up to her and invite her to Ernie's party tonight.
So what if she's a Senior? Nothing. It means nothing.
Oh my god, what a smile!
I don't think we've been introduced.
Huh, no we haven't.
Those eyes...
My name's Vic...
"Viccup"?
That sure looks like your geek brother trying to score.
How freaking stupid can you be, trying to score a Senior?
Must run in the family. You wrote Paris Hilton, didn't you?
She's not a Senior now, is she?
Besides, she's much more mature than high school chicks.
Right.
We could make the catastrophic film of the century
about Victor and Anya.
"What not to do when one wants to get some ass".
We're gonna win Sundance!
You do the directing, I'll cast the floozies.
- Score! - Yeah!
I think Esmeralda is just about ready...
Adios, mamacita.
Now there's pussy in the air, boys.
- She sure does slide nicely. - Why Esmeralda?
We can name her Anya if you prefer.
What do you think Ernest?
This is America. We can all dream, right?
- Do you think she'll come? - Not the first few times.
Victor, my man, she's a Senior.
You'd have a better chance trying to score Angelina Jolie.
I don't exactly think she walks around dreaming about a 15 year old
who's never had any, except his own right hand.
- Get lost, you little rug rat! - Alright, fine. I'll leave.
I'm sorry,
I thought you were my hideous little brother and his stupid camera.
I don't think Brian looks this great in a dress.
Very sexy. You're out for some trouble tonight, aren't you?
- Aren't I always? - Yeah.
- Anya's bedroom, take four. - Marker!
Brian and Zack, that's it!! Get the hell out of my room!
One more time from the top, Sis.
And maybe you could lose the bathrobe in this take?
Out now!
Keep that expression, Anya.
You're totally challenging Uma Thurman in Kill Bill!
Get out! Scram!
Come on Anya, get dressed.
The Froshes are having a party and we're crashing it!
What, Freshmen?
Sure you'll fit right in. They don't have sex either.
Thanks.
- Hey, Ernie! - What's up, baby?
No sandals next time, buddy. We're running a classy joint here.
Luckily, I'm in a good mood. Hello.
Wearing dancing shoes.
So, have you seen her yet?
If you are referring to your lady friend Anya, she was just here.
- I told her to take a hike. - You did what?
She didn't have an invitation, man. What do you want from me?
But she doesn't, she doesn't need a...a...
Bu, bu, but... Okay, geez, I'm just joking.
That broad has totally ruined your sense of humor.
Madames, proceed to the Garden of Eden.
Nice!
Yo, this place is packed with hotties.
Forget about Anya and just grab whatever you can get.
Which isn't a whole lot,
but, you know, there's gotta be someone desperate enough.
Man, you are a lost cause. Go make sure Ernie's still standing, will you?
Come on, lets just try to get into Avalon instead.
Peter just texted me and said it'd be happening tonight.
Peter should just be happy you are practicing on some toddlers.
Thanks for the confidence.
- Are you still scared? - Of what?
Of actually doing it with Peter.
No.
I mean, when we're alone together he's really nice,
and he says all the right things, it's just...
Anya, if you don't wanna do it, you shouldn't do it.
I do want to, I'm ready!
I don't know. I guess I'm just not sure if he's the right one.
Listen, you can't just throw away a woman's greatest treasure,
just because he wants you to.
You have to wait for your one true love.
The one you're gonna marry.
- What was that? - It's in the Bible.
You guys ever hear of role playing?
You got it, doll.
Two of Ernie's famous home juice.
Get lost girls, Hanna Montana starts in 5 minutes.
What was that?
Hi...
Such a lovely dress you're wearing, Anya.
Nice fabric. They don't make them like that anymore.
I just bought it, so I guess they do.
Okay, Tom Ford, fashion week is over.
- I'm Victor. - Hi.
Are you coming or what?
It's the nicest dress I've seen all night.
Okay.
That freshie really liked your dress.
Hey, let's make a bet, whoever gets a freshie hooked first,
has to pick up the tab later on at Avalon.
You're on.
It's the nicest dress I've seen all night?
That's the dumbest thing I've said in my entire life!
Ooooh!
Freak out time!
Just, just, just walk up to her and say
"Anya, baby, let's, let's groove.
I got some... R-rated moves for ya."
Dude, what are you doing in here, boy?
Okay. Don't mind me.
Hey, come on, close the door, it's not that big.
Or, is it?
Come on, you guys, walk!
You can do it. One foot after the other.
Don't tell me you're talking to your feet, Vic?
- No, I, I.... - Just go on up to her, man. Come on.
Just do it, Vic.
Do it, man,
Here comes your lover boy to comment on your dress again.
I sense your credit card's gonna hit the limit tonight.
Victor, my man, you obviously have something important to say.
I'm, I'm sorry, what was that?
Any hiccup experts in the house?
I know a good trick.
Come on, you've tortured Victor long enough.
So Victor, do you want me to try to fix these hiccups of yours?
I'll give you a great, big kiss if you can do one more hiccup for me.
Victor?
Victor!
So, what will it be, big boy?
Go, buddy!
I, I can't do it.
But the most important thing is that your hiccups are cured, right?
Guess I'm stuck paying the tab tonight.
That's the price you have to pay for having such a "lovely dress".
- Hey, I got the hiccups too! - No, no, no, no, I do!
She would have kissed me!
Zachary Jaaaaaaaaames!!!!
That's my name, don't wear it out. I got the copyright, lady.
You know I can't stand spiders!
Then it's a good thing it's made out of licorice.
Where did I go wrong?
- When you and Dad were getting.... - Yes, thank you, young man.
Sounds like you woke up your mom, Zachary.
- Good morning. - Hi, Dad.
What about Victor? Is he up yet?
The old booze hound is hung over.
Oh, don't be silly. Your brother doesn't drink.
Yeah, and I don't dig girls over 18.
Victor, breakfast is ready!
Oh, good morning.
So son, any nice-looking girls there last night?
- Yeah, did you get any pussy? - Zachary!
You need to use a different language, young man!
Yes, Mom. Hizole consigue coņo?
Did you get to bump into any big jugs?
Stop it!
Back in my day, we called them melons.
Christian!
Well, some people did, but, no, no, not me.
You know, I better get back to work.
- Oh, don't forget this one. - Thank you, son.
See you.
So, what kind of trouble are you boys planning on getting into today?
Nothing out of the ordinary,
Maybe knock over a liquor store, hit the titty bar.
Oh, that's great!
Hey, Mom, did anyone call?
No. Who would have called?
Oh, I don't know.
What if she's crazy about me, but just doesn't know it yet?
In theory she already kissed me. It's all subconscious.
She even smiled at me this morning.
Anya's the type who'd smile at a child molester.
If she likes you so much, why don't you go over and talk to her?
Well, she's sitting with all the Seniors.
What about that smart-ass Peter? Is she dating him or what?
No, I'm sure they're just really good friends.
Is Victor Knudsen really gonna go down in history
as the Kentucky fried chicken who didn't dare fight for his own woman?
You're right.
No, time out, time out. Are you sure there are no hiccups on their way up?
I got it covered.
I didn't drink a single sip of water today, or yesterday.
Good luck, Titanic!
Can't you faint from dehydration?
What's up ladies?
Is this Candid Camera or did you just say "what's up ladies"?
I just wanted to say how great it was to see you at the party.
Me and my dress?
Don't you know little Freshmen aren't allowed at the Senior table?
Last I checked there was no reservation sign.
Listen, you punk, I don't know what you're trying to pull here,
but don't ever talk to any of us ever again
or I'll split your skull in two!
Go buy yourself a Hershey's kiss, kid.
No one in their right mind would ever give such a loser one for free.
- Nice one! - Huh? You like that? Like that?
Well done.
"Go buy yourself a Hershey's kiss, kid".
- Hurry up. - Relax already.
Check the stalls, will ya?
Clear. Make this quick.
I seem to remember you never liked it when I was too quick about it.
Look, I'm sick and tired of Anya and her unspoiled, virgin bullshit.
What is she trying to prove?
Don't worry, she knows she can't graduate a virgin.
She said that?
She said she wants to do it soon,
and I told her the best way is to do it with someone with experience.
Someone who know's what he's doing.
Thanks for the compliment. Can't you...
Prepare her a bit?
- Prepare her, are you crazy?! - Just give her a few tips.
I'm going to her house on Wednesday while her parents are playing Bridge.
Seriously Peter, that's between you two.
I wanna see my girl happy and I am not pushing her to do it.
It was a lot easier with you back in the day.
All it took was a ride in the Precious Junior
and a twenty buck dinner.
Besides, when I've had Anya too, you girls can finally discuss sex.
So, I guess I'll basically be doing you a favor.
Chupa mi verga.
Keep talking dirty, baby.
Okay, Casanova. So you're gonna tell this girl you barely know
that she shouldn't sleep with her boyfriend even though she wants to?
Well, he's not really her boyfriend. But... yeah.
- Great plan, Vic. - lt's not so bad.
- Ah, God, you're so young. - But Peter doesn't love her!
So? When did that become mandatory for love making?
Come on guys, her house isn't that far away.
- Hancock Park. - Oh, that's a rich neighborhood.
Yeah, I bought the address off Zack. He's friends with her little brother.
Doesn't that make you two practically related?
- Woah! - Woah!
Yo, the girl that your in love with
happens just to be your cousin,
Oh, doesn't that hurt a little buzzing...
Going around in your little wedgie stomach.
I can't believe your feelings just took a plummet.
I can't rap, man, but I'm doing it for you!
It's right there.
- Wow! - Oooohhh!
Damn! Your future wife is loaded!
You guys stay here. I'll handle this.
Heads up, Vic!
- Hi, Victor! - Hey there, Anya.
So, how about that?
- It's almost Wednesday, huh? - Yeah, I guess so.
You live around here?
Uh, yeah, yeah. Um... no.
- Here, ah, let me get those. - Thanks.
So, ah, what's up with all the cans?
Huh?
Hi Anya!
Well, we're turning great profits from the party by selling them.
I didn't know you were such a business man.
Oh, yeah, sure.
You know, me and old Billy Gates, ha.
Let the profits go to charity.
China, Af-Africa, Ca-California...
- So, it's almost Wednesday, huh? - You said that already.
I did, I did, yeah. That must make it a fact then.
Look, I came to tell you, um... I wanted to ask you...
You know my little brother Zack, right?
He's friends with your little brother. Small world, huh? Ha, ha.
So Zack's your little brother.
Is that a good thing, or?
Yeah, yeah, he is. Good old Zackie, he's a real... bro.
Victor, is everything alright?
Hell, no. Yeah! Yeah, yeah, everything's just... dandy.
- Well, I gotta get going. - Are you going to Peter's? Or...
No, I actually have an interview at USC.
I'm really nervous.
Do, do I look alright?
You look... beautiful.
Cool. I, I mean, thank you.
I'll see you later, Victor.
Oh, and I really don't want you to sleep with Peter on Wednesday.
Come...
I don't...
Come on, what?
It's a great opening. We need to make it juicier, though.
Not to worry. That's under control.
Victor's going to a party on Saturday.
Anya would be delighted to see Victor,
Saturday, September 10th at 3 PM,
for her 18th birthday celebration. 3 PM.
That's an hour after all the grown-ups arrive.
I like where your head's at.
One question gentlemen.
The invasion of Normandy is what?
Took place when? Lead by whom?
Sorry, Mein Fräulein, that's three questions, not one.
D-day, 6th of June 1944.
General Eisenhower.
Damn, you ought to teach that shit!
Yes. And you ought to get down to the principal's office. Now!
- Herut! - Ooo!
It's only an overnight trip, right?
Yeah. So, I'm not gonna pass.
- So it's Wednesday. - Yeah.
I can't believe that.
Yeah in Study Hall.
I'm sorry we can't help you out tonight.
Yeah.
Ernie...
Sorry, we gotta bounce.
The Lakers await us.
You gonna be okay.
Good luck, Vic.
This Napa Pinot is elegantly smooth,
full bodied, with a hint of blueberry.
And it has an exquisite nose.
Cheers, darling.
Cheers.
I think it tastes a little stale.
Stale?
- I'll give you stale! Huh? - What? Nooo! Nooo!
Huh? Huh?
What? Huh?
Seriously! Stop!
Your turn.
- I'm actually a little cold. - I'll keep you warm.
What the hell?
We'll pretend like no one's home.
Oh, no, no, no, let me just go check it out really quick.
Hi, Anya.
Hey, what are you doing here?
Well, call me a mama's boy, but I promised I would pick up Zack.
He's not here. Brian's with my parents playing Bridge.
Really? You sure you don't have him hiding in here somewhere?
What the hell is hiccups doing here?
Ah, I just swung by to pick up my kid brother.
But apparently he's not here.
Why in the world would your brother be here?
He's friends with Brian.
Exactly.
Well, I hope I'm not disturbing anything?
Not anything we can't get back to.
- Well, I guess you better be going. - Peter, don't be rude!
No, I'll, I'll leave you two to do it...
to it!
See you later, Victor.
Time for bed. Kindergarten starts early.
What? Huh...
Okay. Where were we? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, right there. Right there. Yeah! You feel that? It's pectorals.
Feel those pectorals, baby? It's muscle.
- What the hell is this? - I guess tonight isn't our night.
No shit, Sherlock!
Victor?!
I'm really sorry to bother you, but I can't find my wallet.
So I was trying to back track my night, and I thought,
well, I couldn't possibly have left it here, could I?
Unless you threw the thing through the door when we weren't looking!
You, you didn't come in really.
That's true.
Is there something going on that I don't know about?
Do you drop by several times every night?
- No. - Of course not.
Are you trying to cock block me or something?
Look, I, I hope you find your wallet.
Thanks.
Let's see, your little brother, your wallet,
Is there anything else you want us to check for?
Nope. I think that's about it.
Great!
You alright?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm fine, I'm fine... Unless it wouldn't be too much trouble...
Could I get a glass of milk?
Whole milk. My personal favorite.
Lots of energy. Tasty, yet...
Whole.
More?
Ah, what the hell. The night's still young. Fill me up.
Well, thanks for the drink.
You sure you don't want more?
They say to drink a full gallon when you're still growing.
Naa, I shouldn't. Biking.
I'll put this bad boy in the dishwasher. Make myself useful.
- No, that's not necessary, Victor. - I got it.
- Where do the dishes go? - I'll take care of it! Useless!
Guess I better be going!
Thanks for stopping by, and if you need a bedtime story or get hungry...
- Do it at home. Okay?! - Okay.
- See you later. - Much, much later!
Jesus, God!
I don't believe that kid!
I bet you in five minutes he'll want to borrow 3 eggs for a cup cake.
Oh, he's not that bad.
"What's up, ladies?
My name is Victor. I'm a mama's boy picking up my little brother!"
I think he's sweet, in his own dorky way.
Sweet? Oh. I'll show you sweet.
I only play to win, Roger.
All I'm saying is, if I open with two diamonds...
It isn't particularly intelligent of you to call "no trumps".
I mean for God's sake, there weren't any more spades!
It's called bluffing, my darling.
You saw it for yourself, they had no idea what I was doing.
Well, neither did I!
They're probably perking like pigs right now.
Watch your language, young man!
You know, maybe we should ring the bell, just in case.
We are the ones who live here, are we not?
Yeah, remember when your mother and father walked in on us?
We were on the kitchen counter...
I'm gonna ring. I'm gonna ring.
That's it, you cock blocking son of a bitch!
No more Anya to stand between you and my fist!
Why don't you fuck off so I can finally fuck her!!!
Mr. and Mrs. Benton. Hi.
We were just doing some homework.
Drama.
You wanna put your shirt on?
How was Bridge?
You're right. Peter's facial expression is priceless!
I know, the sunglass cam was definitely a good investment.
Especially with the stuff of my dad cheating in Bridge too.
Yeah, that will make us a nice blackmail payoff.
So, what do you think we'll make on this film?
A couple hundred million at least.
That's what those French folks got from the animal video on YouPorn.
Oh, the one with the porcupine and the giraffe screwing?
Dude! And those are mammals. We're getting people!
- People are mammals, stupid. - Whatever.
Benton residence, talk to me, bitch.
Hi. It's Victor. Is Anya there?
It's Victor. He's actually buying it.
Well, she's out taking a dump.
Are you coming to her birthday party?
I know she really wants to see you.
Really? Yeah, I'd love to come.
Do you know what kind of present she would like?
The idiot wants to know what she wants for her birthday!
Well Vic, if you really wanna make my sister happy,
you'll buy her a tarantula.
She's wanted one of those things since she was little.
A tarantula? Really?
Hell, yeah.
She's always dreamt of having a wrestling match between her lizard
and one of them black, hairy beasts.
I didn't even know she had a lizard.
Alright. Thanks for the tip.
Are you sure you guys are related?
I know! How can anyone be that thick?
It balances the color. That's what you gotta do, honey.
Hey!
Do you guys happen to know
if tarantulas are like, really deadly poisonous?
- Why, did you see one?! - No. No, I was just curious.
They are one of the most dangerous of all spiders, Victor.
- If you see one, do not touch it! - No.
- What's in the bag, son? - Just some homework.
Wow!
- He's so cool. Let's keep him! - We can't keep him.
Mom will go ballistic if she found out we had a tarantula in the house.
Besides, it's a present for Anya.
- Let's name him Hugo. - Don't piss him off.
- Let's find a dog and feed it. - They don't eat dogs, you idiot!
The big ones do. The Turners down the street, they own a Chihuahua.
- Zack, where are you? - Mom! Mom! Get the door!
Zack!
Zachary James!
What the hell?
I guess he's stronger than we thought. And hungrier...
Oh, no! No, no, no, no. We have to find him now!
Where are you?
Zach!
Arrrhhhh.
You're such a wimp.
Whatever you're doing, young man, don't!
Zach!
Get up! Get up! Get up!
- Oh, you're in here. - Hi, Mom.
- How are you today? - Zachary, what did you do this time?
Nothing at all, Mom. I'm just helping Victor with his homework.
You know, WWII and stuff. Great war.
Is something wrong, Victor?
You look a little worried.
Ah, no, no, no, I just, have a stomach ache.
Does it hurt bad? Do you want some yogurt?
- Oh, I'm alright. It'll pass. - We ate three packs of cream puffs.
Well, no wonder!
You have to eat something more substantial.
That's what I kept telling Vic here, but he kept insisting.
I love cream puffs. What time is it?
Oh, my God, it's already 5.30.
I'm gonna start dinner shortly. You boys better be able to eat something.
We will.
And it was freezing cold in Stalingrad.
The soldiers had bare feet...
as they walked... where?
That's question number 8.
It'll make an awesome scene when he gives it to her.
Word. Hopefully she'll punch him or something.
Hey! That's mine!
No one get's away with cheating in my class!
You can collect it later at the principal's office.
Out! Both of you! Auf wiedersehen!
- Come on Zack, we're out. - Yeah, this place is dead anyway.
Question number 9!
Ah.
Are you feeling alright, Victor?
Yeah, Mom. I'm just going to a birthday party.
At a girl's house.
At a girl's house?
A girl named Anya.
Oh, my, my, what did you get her?
Uh. It, it, it's a, it's a book.
- Oh, it's a big book, isn't it? - Yeah, she reads a bunch.
Anya. Do you take classes together?
No, uh, she's... she's a Senior.
I don't really like the girls my own age.
Wow! That's amazing!
Let me.
You should invite her over for dinner, so Dad and I could meet her.
Uh, I don't think so. We're just friends, ya know...
Is that why you're ironing your underpants?
Sorry. So, what does this Anya look like?
She's... she's got dark hair and,
she's so...
She needs to be seen.
Well, there you go.
The socks...
I'll let you do yourself.
Who is getting married?
He's going to a birthday party. For a girl...
who's a Senior!
So he's not gay, huh?
- I, I got it. - Well, let me just get the other.
No, I'm gonna leave them down. Mom!
Please! Come on!
Please, stop!
So Victor, how does it feel
visiting the girl you've had wet dreams about on her birthday?
Are you nervous?
Brian Henry! Go back in the living room.
We're not buying anything today.
Mom! This is Victor. Anya's new boy toy.
Really?
Hi, Mrs. Benton. Victor Knudsen. Very nice to meet you.
I thought everyone was here.
Victor?
Happy Birthday. Thanks for inviting me.
You're welcome.
What a lovely present you brought for my daughter, Victor.
Thanks.
So, Anya, are you as excited as me to see what's inside that thing?
What the hell is nerd boy doing here?
Why doesn't she just kick him out? He clearly doesn't belong.
She can't kick him out. He dressed up and brought a present and all.
Well, come on already, Anya, open it.
Slower, Sis. With feeling.
Oh, look at that, there's something moving in there.
It's a....
Oh, wow! It's an Eximius Colosus Aranea!!
Oh, my God!
Oh, Victor, that big, hairy fella must have cost you a fortune, huh?
His name's Hugo.
- Does it attack humans? - Only when it feels threatened.
But, it was to keep your lizard company.
I don't own any lizards, Victor.
You don't?
No, no, no, just keep breathing. It's okay, now he's just,
you know, just keep breathing. Take a deep breath.
It's in the box, it's not gonna harm anyone.
It's not funny.
Let me get you a piece of cake to calm your nerves.
Honey, it's okay.
Thank you.
Ooooohhh!
Anya, I'm so sorry about all this.
I'm sure you didn't intend
on releasing a poisonous creature in my house on purpose.
Thanks for hiding me in your bedroom.
Your entire family probably wants to kill me, huh?
For some reason my dad finds you really hilarious.
He seems like a great guy.
I thought it was very sweet of you to buy me such a lovely present.
I'm glad you liked it.
What on earth made you buy me a tarantula?
Brian said you always wanted one!
That little turd had something to do with this.
You did that on purpose, didn't you?
Not at all.
- Never give up, huh? - I guess not.
Well, I guess I better kiss you, then.
Well, we still can't find Hugo. But the good news is,
Aunt Lizzy didn't get bit after all.
It was just her recent Botox that made her face go numb.
I hope I didn't ruin your couch.
Hum. 22 grand.
22,000 dollars?!
No, I'm just messing with you, kid.
You need a ride home?
Yeah. Thanks.
Sorry again I ruined your birthday.
It's a, it's a really great motor. You can't wear the crankshaft out.
The pistons are cast steel, and the brakes...
work every other Tuesday.
Since I don't have no Senior babe, I have to drill what I got.
Even if it was just a mercy kiss,
I think I'll see if she wants to go to a movie sometime.
Woa, woa, woa, woa, woa.
No, no.
You can't take a girl you really like to the movies on a first date.
You have to do something that will really impress her.
Yeah. Something to get her panties wet.
Imagine you and her alone together...
Close those eyes.
Somewhere romantic. Somewhere that' II make her heart go
"Victor, Victor, Victor."
Where would you be?
I got it! I'll take her to Pyramid Lake and,
and get some bananas, organic ones.
Girls like that. And rent a row boat.
Thanks boys, wish me luck!
Bananas? I think we got a situation.
I'm more worried about the row boat.
He doesn't really have the arms for it, you know?
- Truth. - Got the legs, though.
Hey Victor. What's up?
I uh... wanted to make it up to you.
For the mess I made.
Give me five minutes.
So, where's this apology at?
Thanks.
I was also hoping you'd come with me somewhere?
For lunch.
Nowhere near poisonous creatures, I promise.
- Okay. - Okay.
Sorry, it's my dad's.
- No Lotus. - It has character.
Anya, what the hell you doing, baby?
Shit.
Victor's taking me out to apologize for my birthday party.
But, I was planning to take you to the Four Seasons today.
I booked a room... ahhh, a table.
Sorry.
Anya, come on, it's Victor, the hiccup Freshman, for Christ sake.
Are you seriously choosing to go out with some 15 year old loser
who's so not in your league, over moi?
You can be such a jackass, you know that?
- Let's go, Victor. - Yeah.
If I hadn't just had a manicure you'd be dead meat, hiccup boy!
Fine. I hope you two are very happy together, in your...
1915 get-out-and-push piece of shit wheels.
Have fun at Dave and Buster's.
- So, that went well. - Yeah, I guess that was that.
I, I...
Try it now.
Wow!
Um. The Queen Nefertiti Rose.
Named after the Roman Queen.
Your pink-white, and your white, and your white pink...
- So, where are you taking me? - You'll see.
- Hi, we'd like to ah.... - Mr. Victor Knudsen, I presume?
- Yeah... - Everything is ready, sir.
- Just like you requested. - Requested?
Oh, Victor, it's absolutely amazing! How romantic!
- Yeah, well... - I wanna row!
I'm glad everything is to the young lady's liking.
The rest is in your hands.
Come on, let's follow 'em. Maybe we'll get to see some live porn.
No man, he's on his own now. It's so romantic.
Oh, it's so romantic, boo-boo.
You know what's, what's romantic here?
I like cheese fries. I want some cheese fries.
Let's get some cheese fries.
Really? Cheese fries are fat.
My family and I used to come here when I was a kid.
It's gorgeous. I never knew this place existed.
I'm sorry for what Peter said earlier.
It's okay. He's right. It's a piece of shit car.
No, I mean; you're not a loser.
And I'm not out of your league.
You're not?
I just wanted to make sure that's clear.
Victor?
Have you ever done it?
Done what?
You know..."it"?
Oh, oh, it! Yeah, sure, of course.
All the time. Who hasn't?
No.
Do you.... maybe want to?
With me?
Here?
No, silly. My parents play cards on Wednesdays.
Oh, I know.
You do?
You could come by around 8.
Eight? I can do 8, yeah!
And bring something with you. If you know what I mean.
Right. Right. Something.
Sure.
I'm the king of the world!!
Good day, young man, haven't seen you before. How may I help you?
My Miniature Pony?
Yeah, it's for my little br... sister!
Anything else I can get for you?
Yeah, I, I really need some cond...
Some, some cond...
Some condensed milk.
Condensed milk? Alright.
- Is that all? - No, no, I, I, I need some cond...
- Some cond.... - Cond?
Condoms...
- I, I mean some rubb.... - Rub what?
Some ru... bbing alcohol. Rubbing alcohol.
Hm hum. Yep, that, that's the stuff.
And I really need some cond...
Some co... Ca, Ca, Castillo's, Cas, Castello's.
Those.
How old are you?
Oh, no, I wouldn't touch those things.
- They're for my dad. - Ahh, someone's having a party.
Yo, Victor. Whatcha doing?
Didn't look like a Havana.
You wanna make 5 bucks?
Not really, but I wouldn't mind making 20.
And what may I get for you today, son?
I'd like to buy some jimmy hats.
I'm sorry I'm not familiar with the name. What may they be?
Dingers, johnnies, gloves.
The thing you need when you're banging a chick, of course.
Oh, my!
I suppose you mean condoms, my young fellow?
Duh, what are you deaf? Rubbers with colors.
And you don't suppose you're a bit too young for that sort of thing?
I don't think so mister, the fat one's getting hairy already.
I'm sorry, are you feeling alright, ma'am?
I just need to lean up against something.
Or should I rather buy the ribbed ones?
They're supposed to prolong the pleasure.
Listen, kid. We only have normal kinds, no colors, knobs or flavors!
Alright, I'll make do with the smooth ones. A carton of Trojans.
A carton? Are you completely out of your mind, kid?
There's 200 in a carton!!
Yeah, I'm spending the entire weekend with her,
and she's a lush one so...
Alrighty then, give me two.
- Two cartons? - No, just two.
I can always flip them over and reuse.
- Four-fifty. - Keep the change.
You wouldn't happen to have a dressing room out back,
just so I can try them on for size?
Get out!
I can't believe my brother's actually gonna get some.
It'll make great footage.
It's gotta be possible to paint the rain coats with luminous paint.
So we can see the action in details.
Not necessary, my man, this baby's got night vision!
Nice. Not sure how well the film will sell with a "happy ending" though.
Yeah. Right now Victor's the only one who'll get one.
- We need more drama. - Perhaps we can think of something.
Would you mind sharing what you just said with the class?
Yeah, sure thing Mrs. T.
It was about my gang bang with three playmates last weekend.
Alright! That's quite enough sharing, Zack!
Hey, you wanted to know. I also showed the chicks my trapeze stunt.
Principal's office! Both of you! Now!
Yeah, we gotta bounce anyway. Our bitches are waiting.
We out.
Hello baby!! Your man is back!
What did you smoke today?
Oh, good evening Mr. Benton, Sir.
Call me Roger, Spider man.
Did you bring us any other dangerous animals this time?
Not tonight, Mr. Benton.
Oooh!
Roger.
Too bad. Still no Hugo.
Come on, I'll take you up to Anya's room.
You two are working on a science project for school tonight?
Yeah. Yeah. For Science class.
Okay.
Hi!
Hey.
I'm almost done.
And...I'm done.
So, aren't your parents gonna play cards tonight?
I don't think so.
They actually asked if we could watch Brian tonight.
Hope that's okay with you.
Sure. Sure, yeah, that's, that's fine.
Gotcha! They leave in 10 minutes!
That is not even funny.
- No. - Okay.
Stop!
Hey, there.
Just wanted to let you two know that we're leaving.
- Okay, see you. - Bye.
Get some work done. We'll be back shortly.
Have fun! Live free.
So?
So...
You want a glass of milk? To break the ice?
Only if it's whole milk.
Now that we've got that taken care of....
do you wanna go back to my room?
Can you turn off the lights?
Maybe it's a little too dark.
No, it isn't, It's okay.
Victor, what are you doing?
- I'm touching you. - No, no, no, you're not!
- I thought it felt a little funny. - Thanks for the compliment.
Are you ready to get completely naked?
Victor, did you... bring something?
Of course.
One second.
Got it.
One second.
I can't get this piece of crap open. Come...
Alright.
Is it on?
- Yeah, on my fingers. - Relax.
It's my first time too, remember?
Yeah....
It was a lot easier putting it on Ernie's fingers in Sex-Ed.
How in the... hell?
I have another one!
Okay.
Aren't we lucky, it has a manual.
"Roll slowly over erect penis".
How poetic.
Let me try.
"Erect penis". That certainly isn't a problem.
Abracadabra.
Voilā!
- My parents! Already? - What?
Victor, that's my dress!
The bed, the bed. Help me, help me make the bed.
I just don't think it's necessary! She is 18 now, you know.
Hey kids. We're back.
- Hello. - Hey.
So, have you two been, uh, behaving yourselves?
What do you think, Dad?
Well, your father seems to believe that you are a responsible adult.
Victor, my man, did you hit all the angles?
Okay, come on, Brian, time for bed.
Hey. That's a nice science project there, guys. What is it?
- It's a... - Lexington Hussil.
Hussil. A Lexington Hussil.
Oh, I see.
Victor, could I have a little chat with you for a minute?
In the kitchen.
For Christ sakes, Dad, does it have to be right now?
It's, it's fine. It's, it's fine.
Victor!
- Where did the other one go? - I didn't have a chance to take it off!
Cheers.
One has to be careful not to sit down on Hugo.
Still haven't found that little bugger.
You know, Victor, it's become clear to me that
my daughter likes you very much and you like her, and
Constance and I think that you're just ah, well, you know...
In fact, you remind me very much of myself when I was your age.
Always going after the hot, older gal.
So, I hope that the two of you, you know, could be together for
- at least some time. - So do I, sir.
Yeah. So, I understand that the two of you wanna have sex with each other.
No. Hey, relax,
It's, you know it's completely natural. Completely natural.
At your ages, you know. Even at my age, I like to have it occasionally.
Mostly with my wife.
I'm in the cut-throat world of advertising, alright?
It's kill or be killed.
We're working on a big campaign now, spending millions of dollars in fact,
to get young people to understand that protection can be "hip".
And that it's important for them to have a condom on them
every time they leave their home.
Well, I don't mean on them, of course.
- No. - But with them.
You know, in their wallet, or their pocket...
It doesn't matter where, as long as they have the darn thing.
So, can I ask you a personal question?
Of course. Yeah.
How often do you have a rubber on you?
Well I, I, I just started having one....
on me, recently.
You know, everyone's so liberated now that it's important to have one...
on you, with you.
Oh, I'm glad to hear that, Victor. You know, you're adults now,
and that comes with some responsibilities.
Of course.
I'm glad you have such a good head for these things.
- Want another drink for the road? - Yes, sir.
Well, I'm glad we had this talk son.
Me too, sir.
Ow, alright.
- That's cool. - Yeah.
- Sorry about my dad. - It's all good.
Your dad and I understand each other.
So, do you wanna do something after school tomorrow?
I actually have to hang out with Marisa.
Oh. Alright.
- You should come. - With Marissa?!
You'll grow on her. Like a cactus.
Good night, Victor.
Sweet dreams.
- Whatup? - I think I have an idea for our ending.
Nice...
How the hell does he forget to take it off?
I don't know, we both completely panicked.
You'll never get your cherry popped if you keep hanging with that kid!
I don't know about that. It was pretty damn close.
Besides I really like him.
I mean he's, he's sweet, and sincere, and...
Victor!
Baby, Oh, I missed you so much. Why haven't you called me back?
Are you still dating that old hag?
Victor, what the hell are you doing?!
I... I don't, I don't know! Who are you?
Good one. I'll see you tomorrow, stud.
Anya, I don't know what's going on.
Well, I do! What, you just wanted to show off
in front of your stupid Freshmen friends, didn't you?
- No, I, I would never... - Was I some sort of bet or something?
Not at all!
Since you didn't "get any" last night, you're done with me, is that it?
- Would you listen to me? - Don't touch me!
Anya!
- Leave me alone! - You, bastard!
But... I love you.
- Oh, that looks great! - Well, they travel, you know.
Look. He's a little fat, but you know, for what this has...
Victor, are you alright?
- You look terrible. - Honey, what's wrong?
- Oh, is it Anya? - Has she fallen for someone else?
Christian!!
It doesn't matter. It's no use.
- Why are you so dumb? - Me?
- No. Men! - Oh, men. Yeah, I know, honey.
I guess we just sometimes do the wrong thing, Anya.
I thought, I thought he loved me, Dad.
Oh, baby, maybe he does, but he's young.
He may not know how to express it, that's all.
We all make mistakes, sweetheart.
Why did your mother have to go to ballet tonight of all nights?
Oh, baby, don't. Come on, come on, come on.
I put extra marshmallows in it, so you could drown your sorrows.
I guess there might be a chance I'd get lucky enough to choke and die.
Now tell me what happened?
Anya and I are done and my life is totally over.
Nonsense. Of course your life isn't over.
It is! Nothing else matters in this world.
And she won't even listen to me.
You just need to rest and you'll see.
The world will look a lot brighter in the morning, I promise.
Rise and shine, playboy.
We got something you're gonna love.
Go away!
I know it isn't blueray, but still, I think you wanna see this.
We shot a masterpiece. A film about you and Anya.
Why don't we show you a clip, so you can see for yourself.
If you can afford it, of course.
- I'll fast forward a bit. - Shouldn't we call his bank first?
Nice work bro, I personally never thought you had it in you.
You little bastards!
Hold your horses and watch this...
Open it.
Oooooh!
You think that was bad? Watch this!
- Okay, but why would I do it? - Lisa, you're my favorite cousin.
And... I'll pay you 100 dollars.
And a night out on the town with my favorite cousin?
I can't believe this!
Wait. How did Peter even know where we would be yesterday?
- Why didn't you tell me right away? - We are businessmen after all.
And we had to finish the cut first.
Atrue artist never shows his work until it is finished.
So bro, what will you pay for it?
We gotta start remembering to get our blackmail money up front!
Dude, all I got from him was a text saying his life was finished.
And he spelled finished wrong.
Ernie, buddy, I need to borrow your Vespa!
- What's going on, Vic, you ok? - There's no time to explain.
It's a life or death situation! Please!!
Well, alright, alright. Take a chill pill.
So look, the ah, the blinkers are here and,
This is a visor for your face, gas.
Vic, most importantly, the brake. Okay, yeah, whatever.
But how do I start this damn thing?
Perhaps you're better off having your dad mail you in.
That way you'll get there a little faster.
- Ernie, start it up!! - Damn! Someone's got their period!
Do it.
Hey, Vic, be careful, the brakes aren't what they used to be!
Oh! Damn!
Ahhh!
On the third day of high school I,
Victor Knudsen, was hit by an epidemic.
And we're not talking chicken pox or the flu.
Nope, we're talking a case of total,
incurable "Anya- itis".
And I Victor Knudsen, didn't live.
Goodbye Anya, my love.
Anya?
Is it really you?
Hey, you.
I'm sorry I doubted you.
I was just so hurt when I saw that girl kissing you.
But, how did you know?
I saw the film.
You did?
Zack and Brian had an extra copy.
Actually, they have quite a few copies.
We may have to make it worth their while,
So we don't end up on YouTube.
At least some of the footage was used for something good.
Oh, my God!
This is gonna be good!
What the fuck?!
- Pervert Peter! - Pervert!
But, she was only my third cousin!!
Bye! Bye, Peter, we'll miss you.
I brought you a cactus.
Oh! Thanks.
Anya, if I make it...
Do you think I could come over again?
On a Wednesday?
Seriously. I'm pretty sure you're gonna make it.
And to hell with Wednesdays. My parents are gone this weekend, ...
so we'll have the entire house to ourselves.
But, what would we do all weekend long?
But, what about my leg?
Victor, I'm pretty sure you don't really need your leg to do it.
You really never give up, do you?
Oh, Victor will be so sorry he didn't pay us for that footage.
And my sisterfound the stash of DVDs and destroyed them all.
Plus all the hidden cameras in her room.
What's that flashing red light?
Don't tell me you didn't charge the battery again!
- It was your turn! - Shiiiit!
- Gimme a break! - No, no, no, no, no! Damn
Subtitle by Spazz