DETERMINED TO CARRY OUT ARCADIUS' FUNERAL
WITH PRECISION, HONOR, AND, ABOVE ALL, DIGNITY.
>> YOU MAY FIRE WHEN READY, LOQUASTO.
splash!
>> OH, COME ON.
>> GO AHEAD AND TAKE A MULLIGAN.
[duck quacks]
>> I'LL EAT THAT.
>> I GOT IT.
>> OH, THAT'S LOVELY.
>> SAY A FEW WORDS BEFORE IT DRAWS ATTENTION.
>> THE BOAT OR LOQUASTO'S ERECTION?
>> SORRY. I CAN'T HELP IT WHEN SHE--OOH.
>> DON'T MAKE THE MAN FEEL BAD ABOUT SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL, KROD.
HIT IT WITH A SPOON. >> I'LL DO IT LATER.
>> IS THAT ARCADIUS' WIDOW?
>> SORRY I'M LATE.
ENRIQUE HAD TO TAKE IT IN AT THE BOSOM.
>> CONTINUE.
>> HE WAS A GREAT MAN, A BRILLIANT GENERAL,
A FEARLESS PATRIOT--
>> A GENEROUS LOVER.
>> SURE.
AND HE WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO EVER TRULY BELIEVE IN ME,
MYSELF INCLUDED.
>> KROD, THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
>> IT WAS LOVELY, MASTER.
NOW, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH HIS BODY?
>> OH!
>> WOW. >> OF COURSE.
COUNCIL, GIVE ME ONLY THE TRUTH AS YOU CONSIDER THIS QUESTION.
CAN I PULL THIS OFF? YES OR NO?
YOU, LORD VANAMEER.
HMM?
>> WELL, SIRE,
IN TRUTH, I PREFER THE TROUSERS.
>> THE PAGAN GOAT PANTS.
>> YES, CHANCELLOR, THE GOAT PANTS.
>> YEAH, THEY'RE WONDERFUL, AREN'T THEY?
YEAH, SEE, I HAVEN'T REALLY GOT THE THIGHS
TO PULL OFF A LOINCLOTH OR A CODPIECE.
EVEN IF I DID, THE NETHER HAIR THAT SPILLS FORTH IS REVOLTING.
>> INDEED IT IS, SIRE. IT'S ALL--
>> MYRMIDONS, KILL THIS MAN.
>> NO. OW.
>> OH, AND FETCH MY PAGAN GOAT PANTS.
THANKS FOR THE SUGGESTION.
>> MY PLEASURE, SIRE.
>> SO WHAT NEXT, MASTER?
AVENGE THE GENERAL?
>> TRUST ME; THERE'LL BE SOME SERIOUS AVENGING.
BUT FIRST ANEKA AND I JUST NEED A LITTLE ALONE TIME.
>> WHAT?
>> WELL, YOU KNOW,
SOME THINGS WERE SAID BACK IN THE DUNGEON,
SOME HURTFUL THINGS.
BUT IT'S OKAY, BECAUSE I KNOW THIS GREAT COUPLES' COUNSELOR
RIGHT HERE IN HESSEMEEL.
>> I'M NOT GOING TO COUPLES' COUNSELING, SO...
>> OH, NO, NO, NOTHING LONG-TERM.
I'M JUST TALKING ABOUT A RELATIONSHIP TUNE-UP.
>> IF IT'S DR. WILLOUGHBY, YOU SHOULD GO.
>> CAN WE NOT DO THIS HERE?
>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THESE ARE MY BEST FRIENDS IN THE WORLD...AND BRUCE.
I MEAN, YOU CAN SAY ANYTHING IN FRONT OF THEM.
>> FINE.
LISTEN, KROD.
WHAT I'M ABOUT TO SAY HAS NOTHING TO DO
WITH YOUR INABILITY TO SATISFY ME SEXUALLY.
>> GUYS, GET LOST.
>> NO, WE WERE GOING TO GO ANYWAY.
>> I AM NEVER GOING TO BE THE GIRL
THAT YOU WANT ME TO BE.
>> NO, DON'T SAY THAT.
YOU CAN CHANGE.
OR I CAN CHANGE.
>> OH, REALLY?
SO YOU WOULD BE OKAY WITH ME, SAY,
GOING HOME DURING THE RACCOON FESTIVAL
TO COMPLETE THE RITE OF THE 300 MOONS?
>> YES. >> WOW.
>> WHAT'S THAT? IS THAT, LIKE, A HUNTING TOURNAMENT?
>> WHAT IS THAT, YOUR ASTRONOMY THING?
>> NO, IT'S A RELIGIOUS RITE.
>> GREAT. EVEN BETTER.
>> IN WHICH GOOD PAGAN GIRLS,
ON THE EVE OF THEIR 300TH MOON,
MUST LAY WITH 300 MEN.
>> OH, DEAR GOD. >> 300 MEN?
>> GODS, NO, OF COURSE I'M NOT OKAY WITH THAT.
>> MY POINT EXACTLY.
>> SHE GONNA STAB HIM. SHE'S ABOUT TO STAB HIM.
>> AND I THOUGHT YOU COULD HAVE BEEN
ONE OF THE ONES.
>> WAIT. NO, WAIT. ANEKA, WAIT.
ANEKA!
>> LET HER GO, MAN. LET HER NASTY ASS GO.
MM, MM, MM, MM.
WHAT A DAY, HUH?
>> BARNABUS!
WHAT NEWS?
HAVE WE CRACKED THE SECRETS OF THE EYE YET?
>> NO, SIR, THE WEAPON REMAINS INERT.
>> DAGGERS!
>> ALTHOUGH OUR SCHOLARS COULDN'T TRANSLATE THE RUNES,
THEY WERE ABLE TO IDENTIFY THEM AS TURBIDIAN HIEROGLYPHS
BELONGING TO AN ALMOST-DEAD LANGUAGE.
NOW, THE GOOD NEWS IS,
WE'VE MANAGED TO FIND AN ELDER FLUENT IN THIS ANCIENT TONGUE.
>> WHAT, HIM?
>> YES.
>> ARE YOU ABLE TO DECIPHER THESE RUNES, OLD MAN?
>> ME?
>> YES.
>> OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NOT ME.
PAPI.
MY FATHER SAYS IT'S DRAFTY IN HERE.
HE WANTS TO KNOW IF ANYONE ELSE FEELS IT.
>> [whispers]
>> WHY IS EVERYBODY WHISPERING TODAY?
TELL THE GUARD TO ADDRESS ME DIRECTLY.
>> SIR, HE WOULD, EXCEPT YOU HAD HIS VOCAL CORDS TORN OUT
FOR ADDRESSING YOU DIRECTLY.
>> RIGHT.
>> NOW, HE BRINGS VERY GOOD NEWS.
KROD MANDOON HAS BEEN SPOTTED IN THE VILLAGE, SIR.
>> ARM THE SQUADRON, READY MY CARRIAGE,
AND FETCH A SWEATER FOR PAPI.
KEEP HIM HAPPY.
JOY! MY PAGAN GOAT PANTS.
>> ENGAMORA.
>> LOOK, BRUCE, IF THAT'S AN INVITATION TO DO...
ANYTHING,
I'M JUST GOING TO GO AHEAD AND PASS.
>> PLEASE.
IT WAS ARCADIUS' DYING WORD.
IT REFERS TO THE PROPHESY OF ENGAMORA.
HE WOULD RECITE IT TO ME DURING OUR LOVEMAKING SESSIONS.
HE WOULD MOUNT ME AND PUSH MY FACE...
>> OKAY, CAN WE JUST SKIP AHEAD?
>> IT CHRONICLES THE TRIUMPH OF THE RESISTANCE
UNDER THE LEADERSHIP OF THE GOLDEN ONE.
>> THE GOLDEN ONE?
>> THE SLIGHTLY LESS CLICHE WAY OF SAYING THE CHOSEN ONE.
BUT EITHER WAY, ARCADIUS BELIEVED IT WAS YOU.
LOOK, THIS IS A LOT TO TAKE ON BOARD.
IS THERE SOMEWHERE I CAN READ THIS THING?
>> THERE'S NOTHING TO READ, KROD.
ARCADIUS PASSED THE PROPHESY DOWN TO ME ORALLY.
>> OH.
>> AND ANALLY.
>> WOW.
LOOK, BRUCE,
I'M JUST GOING TO GO AHEAD
AND CHALK THIS PROPHESY THING UP TO BIG-HOUSE PILLOW TALK.
>> KROD, ALL I KNOW IS THAT THE LOVE OF MY--
>> LAST TWO WEEKS?
>> HE SACRIFICED HIMSELF SO THAT YOU COULD LIVE.
DON'T TELL ME HE DIED IN VAIN.
>> IN BAIN?
>> NO, IN VAIN.
>> IN PAIN? >> NO, IN VAIN.
>> IN VAIN, HE'S SAYING.
>> OH, IN VAIN. >> RIGHT.
>> OH, LIKE THAT BLOKE OVER THERE.
>> EXACTLY. THAT'S WHAT HE'S SAYING, QUASTO.
>> OR HIM.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT? FORGET THAT.
THAT'S A MUCH BETTER VERSION OF WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
>> GUYS, GUYS, IT'S A RAID. HIDE.
[people yelling]
ALL HAIL CHANCELLOR DONGALOR!
>> REVEAL YOURSELF, MANDOON,
OR I'LL TAKE THE LIFE OF ONE VILLAGER EVERY MINUTE
UNTIL YOU COMPLY.
>> EXCUSE ME.
HOW WILL YOU MARK THE TIME TO A MINUTE?
EVEN OUR MOST ACCURATE SUNDIALS ARE APPROXIMATE AT BEST.
>> UH, GOOD POINT.
YEAH. BARNABUS?
>> AND DEFINE "VILLAGER."
MY DAUGHTER AND I LIVE IN A VILLAGE
BUT NOT THIS ONE.
>> RIGHT, YEAH.
HOW DO WE USUALLY DO THIS?
LOCALS ONLY OR--
>> AND SINCE YOU'VE OBVIOUSLY GIVEN NO THOUGHT
TO TIME MANAGEMENT OR REGIONAL CONSIDERATIONS,
HOW WILL YOU POSSIBLY ARRIVE AT AN EQUITABLE SYSTEM
TO DECIDE WHOM TO KILL FIRST?
[snaps fingers]
WHY ME?
>> HOW MANY MORE, MANDOON?
HOW MANY WILL HAVE TO ANSWER FOR YOUR CRIMES?
>> THAT'S IT. I'M GOING OUT THERE.
>> MASTER, TO GO OUT NOW WOULD BE SUICIDE.
>> YEAH, AND TO DO NOTHING IS MURDER.
LOOK, IF I'M NOT BACK IN TWO DAYS,
QUASTO, GIVE THAT TO ANEKA.
>> PEWTER?
>> WHAT, BRUCE?
>> OH, RIGHT;
YOU'RE MAD THAT SHE DUMPED YOU, AND PEWTER'S HER PUNISHMENT.
I GET IT.
>> LOOK, SO I'LL MEET YOU AT KAMADA FALLS
IN TWO DAYS, OKAY?
>> BE CAREFUL, MASTER.
>> HI.
UM, I NEVER NORMALLY DO THIS,
BUT YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE,
AND I WOULD LOVE TO TAKE YOU OUT FOR A BITE TO EAT.
>> YOU JUST KILLED MY FATHER.
>> WELL, THEN, I GUESS I WON'T BE ASKING HIM FOR PERMISSION.
[laughs]
TOO SOON?
>> HERE I AM, DONGALOR!
>> WELL, WELL.
MANDOON.
WHAT HAVE YOU TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?
>> OH, JUST ONE THING.
ALL HAIL CHANCELLOR DONGALOR!
[dramatic music]
¶ ¶
[horse whinnies]
OH, DAMN SWORD.
I FORGOT THE BLADE STICKS IN THE WARMER MONTHS,
SO I JUST--
>> FOOL.
[laughs]
WAKEY WAKEY.
WE NEED MORE TINKLE; FILL THE PISS POT, BARNABUS.
>> I DON'T THINK I REQUIRE ANY FURTHER RELIEF PRESENTLY.
>> [disappointed] OH.
WILL YOU FILL IT?
BIT WEIRD ON A FIRST DATE?
>> 300 MOONS AGO, A PAGAN ANGEL WAS BORN.
PLEASE WELCOME ONE OF THE MOST SPIRITUALLY GIFTED NEWCOMERS
TO EVER GRACE THIS HALLOWED STAGE,
THE WOMAN WHO PUT THE "RACK" IN "RACCOON."
[cheers and applause]
CAN I GET AN "AMEN"?
all: AMEN!
>> ALL 300 MEN TO SAY HELLO TO ANEKA.
[cheers and applause]
[upbeat music]
¶ ¶
"DEAR ANEKA, I hope this note finds you well.
>> MISS MILLIE, ARE YOU READY TO GO TO THE MEADOWS
AND CHASE FIREFLIES?
>> [coughs]
>> HELLO, KROD.
DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE.
>> I THOUGHT YOU AND MILLIE WERE JUST--
>> THERE'S BEEN A DEVELOPMENT.
>> "RELATIONSHIPS ARE WEIRD,
"SOMETIMES DISTURBINGLY SO.
"BUT I KNOW WE'LL EMERGE FROM THIS HIATUS
STRONGER THAN EVER."
¶ ¶
"I MAY NOT BE ABLE TO WRITE AGAIN SOON
"FOR FEAR OF DISCLOSING MY LOCATION,
"SO I GUESS I'LL JUST SCRIBBLE MUSHY JOURNAL ENTRIES
"UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN.
"JUST KIDDING; I DON'T KEEP A JOURNAL.
"SERIOUSLY, I DON'T.
"UNTIL WE'RE REUNITED, I REMAIN FAITHFULLY YOURS.
KRODFORD J. MANDOON."
[cheers and applause]
>> SHH, SHH, SHH.
NOW, CAN I SEE A SHOW OF HANDS
FOR ANYBODY WHO WOULD LIKE TO ASSIST THE LOVELY ANEKA?
HORST?
I DON'T WANT TO GET IN THE WAY, BUDDY.
IF YOU'RE HERE FOR MILLIE--
>> I'M HERE FOR YOU, MANDOON.
WHAT'S THIS?
AH, A JOURNAL.
>> HEY, THAT IS PRIVATE.
>> "BUT WHAT I MISS MORE THAN THE SEX
IS THE CUDDLING."
[laughs]
OH, THIS IS GOOD.
>> YOU DO NOT HAVE PERMISSION TO READ THAT.
>> WHAT A NOB.
[laughs]
>> GENERAL ARCADIUS?
>> "HROATH G'BLON BRACK ROTHAN."
>> WAIT, THAT'S WHAT'S WRITTEN ON MY SWORD.
HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?
>> "LET FIRE FLOW THROUGH THIS STEEL."
>> WAIT, FIRE?
IT'S FUNNY YOU SHOULD SAY THAT,
BECAUSE THIS THING HAS BEEN FLAMING UP LATELY.
I JUST ASSUMED IT WAS DEFECTIVE.
>> THE FIRE COMES FROM WITHIN YOU.
>> YOU, KROD, ARE THE GOLDEN ONE.
>> WHAT, SERIOUSLY?
I'M THE GUY WHO'S SUPPOSED TO SAVE THE RESISTANCE?
>> NOT YOU ALONE-- ANEKA AS WELL.
THE PROPHESY TELLS OF A PAGAN MAIDEN
WHO FIGHTS EVER BY THE SIDE OF THE GOLDEN ONE.
>> "WAS IT ME, OR WAS IT HER?"
OH, BOO-HOO, PHYLLIS.
>> YOU ARE SUCH A DICK!
>> USE YOUR BLADE, NOT YOUR TONGUE.
YOU NEED HER, KROD, AND SHE NEEDS YOU.
>> ANEKA NEEDS ME?
>> IF DONGALOR SENT AN ASSASSIN FOR YOU,
SURELY SHE'S IN DANGER TOO.
>> HEY, BUDDY.
YOU CHOSE THE WRONG GUY TO READ THE DIARY OF.
>> THIS IS DEMONRY.
>> NO, THIS IS DESTINY.
>> [humming]
>> [groans]
>> SATISFYING, NO?
>> NO, NO. HEY, HORST--
narrator: AFTER CLEARING UP THE MISCONCEPTION WITH HORST,
KROD MADE HASTE TO THE PAGAN LANDS
TO WARN ANEKA OF HER IMPENDING PERIL
AND PERHAPS PUT THE KIBOSH ON A PAGAN GANG BANG.
>> UM, EXCUSE ME; I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU,
BUT THIS ONE'S ANEKA'S HUT, RIGHT?
>> NO, THAT ONE.
>> OH, MAN.
>> HI. KROD MANDOON.
HAPPY RACCOON DAY OR WHATEVER.
>> [sighs] WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
>> OH, I'M FINE, THANKS. HOW ARE YOU?
>> LOOK, KROD, I REALLY DON'T HAVE A LOT OF TIME, SO--
>> YEAH, I KNOW. I SAW THE LINE.
>> PLEASE LEAVE.
>> ANEKA--
>> WHO'S NEXT?
>> ME.
>> WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
>> HE'S AN ASSASSIN, ANEKA. HE'S HERE TO KILL YOU.
>> YOU ARE DELUDED.
>> AM I?
>> STYGIAN CORPS.
HE IS AN ASSASSIN.
>> PRETTY AWESOME, HUH?
>> IT SEEMS LIKE I GET TWO FOR ONE TODAY.
>> HEY, DICK. I'M RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
NO!
>> SHEATH YOUR SWORD, OR SHE DIES.
>> KILL HIM, KROD.
>> OKAY.
>> SHE DIES ANYWAY.
>> SHOOT!
>> GO IN PEACE.
>> AW, SORRY, MASTER.
>> IT'S OKAY.
>> AH, SHOOT! GOD DANG--
DANG IT.
>> HEY, ZEZ, NICE WORK WITH THE FLASH BOMB.
>> FLASH?
NO, NO--OH, NO, NO, NO, YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT THE WAY
THAT I LEVITATED YOU OUT OF HARM'S WAY.
>> NO, NO, NO, I WAS TALKING ABOUT THE FLASH BOMB
THAT YOU THREW AT MY FEET,
THE FLASH BOMB FROM YOUR MAGIC SACK?
>> I TOLD YOU ABOUT THE FLASH BOMB IN CONFIDENCE.
I WOULD NEVER GO AND REVEAL YOUR SECRETS LIKE THAT, NEVER.
>> WHAT ARE YOU GUYS EVEN DOING HERE?
>> OH, WE BROUGHT YOU ANEKA'S LOVE RING, MASTER.
>> THAT IS NOT-- THAT'S SO SILLY.
THAT'S NOT A LOVE RING.
IT'S A FRIENDSHIP RING.
>> THAT'S FUNNY,
'CAUSE IT'S INSCRIBED "ANEKA MANDOON."
FLASH BOMB!
>> WHA--THAT IS A TYPO.
THAT SHOULDN'T BE THERE LIKE THAT.
UH, ANYWAY, WE SHOULD PROBABLY LET YOU GET ON WITH YOUR--THIS.
>> NO, UM,
THIS DISTRACTION HAS BROKEN MY COMMUNION
WITH THE GREAT RACCOON SPIRITS.
MY HEAD WOULDN'T BE IN IT.
>> 300 MEN LOCKED, LOADED, AND LOOKING FOR LOVE,
AND YOU'RE CLOSING UP SHOP?
WHAT, ARE YOU CRAZY?
HELLO, BOYS.
narrator: With his goat pants tightening
DONGALOR SHOWED HIS NEW LOVE AROUND THE PALACE,
HOPING ALL THE WHILE FOR THIRD BASE OR BETTER.
>> I'M JUST THREE DOORS DOWN IF YOU GET CHILLY OR WHATEVER.
BREASTS.
AND TOMORROW I'LL HAVE BARNABUS FETCH YOUR THINGS.
>> BUT I DON'T HAVE THINGS.
>> OH, THAT IS THE MOST ADORABLE THING I'VE EVER HEARD.
DINK!
>> AH, SIR.
THIS GENTLEMAN HERE BRINGS RATHER BAD NEWS
FROM THE PAGAN LANDS.
PROJECT ENGAMORA HAS FAILED ON TWO FRONTS.
>> [screams]
>> SWEET DREAMS.
>> RIGHT.
HE DID ALSO HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS, SIR.
>> WELL, ALWAYS GIVE GOOD NEWS FIRST.
THIS MAN'S BLOOD IS ON YOUR HANDS.
I DO APOLOGIZE.
>> SO THE GOOD NEWS IS,
OUR TRANSLATORS ARE MAKING GREAT STRIDES,
THOUGH IT SEEMS WE'RE STILL MISSING A CRUCIAL ELEMENT
OF THE EYE'S AIMING MECHANISM, NAMELY A CRYSTALLINE FOCAL LENS.
>> FIND THAT LENS.
>> SIR, THE SEARCH HAS ALREADY BEGUN.
>> WELL, NOW I'M TOO EXCITED TO SLEEP.
HMM, MAYBE I'LL STEAL IN THERE
FOR A QUICK LITTLE GROPEY-GROPEY.
>> WELL, I'D LEAVE IT TILL THE MORNING, SIR.
YOU KNOW, LET THE SHOCK WEAR OFF.
>> YES.
BUT WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THIS NERVOUS ENERGY.
OH, HELLO, OLD FRIEND.
BARNABUS, BRING ME A TUB OF GOOSE FAT
AND A CLEAN SOCK, WOULD YOU?
YES.
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