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00:00:51,396 --> 00:00:54,694
There is one graduate here today
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00:00:54,733 --> 00:01:00,569
that has won every single honor
and award this school gives out.
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00:01:00,605 --> 00:01:07,237
That graduate,
our friend, is Van Wilder!
4
00:01:26,564 --> 00:01:31,001
Standing here today,
I cannot help but wish I could stay
5
00:01:31,002 --> 00:01:33,493
in high school forever.
6
00:01:33,505 --> 00:01:37,236
I mean, there are
so many warm mammories...
7
00:01:38,610 --> 00:01:42,136
Memories I have of this place.
8
00:01:43,281 --> 00:01:46,807
But, you see, change, like life,
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00:01:47,252 --> 00:01:50,516
has a way of sneaking up on us.
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When we least expect it, yeah.
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00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:08,094
Sure, the timing may seem
very, very bad,
12
00:02:10,241 --> 00:02:15,474
but yet it feels good, so good,
13
00:02:16,481 --> 00:02:19,450
to be graduating
with some of the sharpest minds
14
00:02:19,451 --> 00:02:25,218
and swiftly darting tongues
that this school has to offer.
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00:02:25,990 --> 00:02:30,790
Listen to me ramble.
I am really giving you a mouthful.
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00:02:30,862 --> 00:02:34,698
But before I'm finished,
it is my extreme pleasure
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00:02:34,699 --> 00:02:40,838
to recognize someone who has aced
her oral exams,
18
00:02:40,839 --> 00:02:44,975
who has always been head of the class,
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00:02:44,976 --> 00:02:51,142
graduating summa cum
20
00:02:57,055 --> 00:03:02,288
laude. Our very own valedictorian.
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00:03:13,838 --> 00:03:16,397
Congratulations, graduates!
22
00:03:22,814 --> 00:03:25,249
- Congratulations, Son.
- Thanks.
23
00:03:25,250 --> 00:03:27,718
Now, let's get out of here.
The sooner we get to Amsterdam,
24
00:03:27,719 --> 00:03:30,320
the sooner we won't be able
to remember it.
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Yeah.
26
00:03:34,959 --> 00:03:37,928
- You're not going to Amsterdam.
- I can't.
27
00:03:37,929 --> 00:03:40,864
Sheik Mohammad is building
an island outside of Dubai.
28
00:03:40,865 --> 00:03:43,901
And I'm gonna help him
import a million tons of sand.
29
00:03:43,902 --> 00:03:46,203
It's a huge opportunity, Van.
30
00:03:46,204 --> 00:03:49,006
Come on. You're gonna have
a great time without me.
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00:03:49,007 --> 00:03:51,341
Exploring nether regions
in the Netherlands
32
00:03:51,342 --> 00:03:54,778
is not a bad way to spend
your summer before college.
33
00:03:54,779 --> 00:03:57,548
I still don't know why I can't
just skip college and come work for you.
34
00:03:57,549 --> 00:03:59,349
I mean, I know the business,
we could hang out...
35
00:03:59,350 --> 00:04:03,120
Van, every Wilder man
has graduated from Coolidge.
36
00:04:03,121 --> 00:04:07,853
It's tradition. And tradition
is something you just don't break.
37
00:04:08,560 --> 00:04:10,327
I gotta run. Hey, have a great time,
38
00:04:10,328 --> 00:04:12,196
do everything I wouldn't do,
and remember,
39
00:04:12,197 --> 00:04:15,757
- "Banging, broke or blitzed"...
- "A Wilder never quits".
40
00:04:16,434 --> 00:04:18,492
Write that down.
41
00:06:18,723 --> 00:06:22,420
Well, well. Look who just arrived.
42
00:06:33,471 --> 00:06:36,340
Van, do you have
to go back to the college?
43
00:06:36,341 --> 00:06:39,207
Come back to Amsterdam with us.
44
00:06:39,544 --> 00:06:45,482
Dulia, Babette, I'm sorry, ladies,
but I must.
45
00:06:56,327 --> 00:06:59,421
I've been waiting 30 years for this.
46
00:07:18,649 --> 00:07:22,141
It's a little small, but I can work with it.
47
00:07:33,364 --> 00:07:36,628
Van Wilder. I'm your new roommate.
48
00:07:38,403 --> 00:07:41,030
All right. Farley.
49
00:07:43,641 --> 00:07:45,335
Smoke?
50
00:07:47,445 --> 00:07:50,013
Man, am I glad
we are roommates, man!
51
00:07:50,014 --> 00:07:52,914
This place is a pimper's paradise.
52
00:07:54,552 --> 00:07:57,850
I'm gonna make
some of my special brownies.
53
00:08:21,112 --> 00:08:24,648
My God!
We've been invaded by Supercuts!
54
00:08:24,649 --> 00:08:29,245
- Lieutenant Dirk Arnold, ROTC.
- Corporal Benedict, ROTC.
55
00:08:29,720 --> 00:08:32,823
Van Wilder, WTF?
56
00:08:32,824 --> 00:08:36,860
The Honorable Dean Charles Reardon
requests your presence immediately.
57
00:08:36,861 --> 00:08:39,556
But I just put my slippers on.
58
00:08:44,168 --> 00:08:46,036
Van Wilder, sir, as you ordered.
59
00:08:46,037 --> 00:08:48,334
Return to your squad.
60
00:08:48,339 --> 00:08:50,773
Well, well, Mr. Wilder.
61
00:08:51,275 --> 00:08:53,210
Nice of you to join us.
62
00:08:53,211 --> 00:08:55,846
Colonel Charles Reardon,
Dean, Coolidge College.
63
00:08:55,847 --> 00:08:57,681
How's it hanging, Chuck?
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00:08:57,682 --> 00:08:59,816
You see these fine young men, Wilder?
65
00:08:59,817 --> 00:09:01,585
These are Reardon's Raiders.
66
00:09:01,586 --> 00:09:04,521
They've won every ROTC war game
for the past three years.
67
00:09:04,522 --> 00:09:06,990
They're my pride and joy.
68
00:09:08,326 --> 00:09:12,853
Good doggies.
I especially like your Chihuahua.
69
00:09:14,298 --> 00:09:18,135
Lady Liberty is a purebred
Italian greyhound.
70
00:09:18,136 --> 00:09:21,366
Actually, I was talking about that guy.
71
00:09:21,873 --> 00:09:23,601
Arnold!
72
00:09:24,108 --> 00:09:26,337
Secure Lady Liberty.
73
00:09:26,677 --> 00:09:29,941
Let's you and me take a little ride, son.
74
00:09:32,783 --> 00:09:34,341
Stay.
75
00:09:35,653 --> 00:09:38,713
- Good dog.
- Get the lead out, Wilder!
76
00:09:41,325 --> 00:09:43,527
You know, I went to school here
with your father.
77
00:09:43,528 --> 00:09:44,628
He acted like he owned the place,
78
00:09:44,629 --> 00:09:48,064
just 'cause his family's name
was on that building over there.
79
00:09:48,065 --> 00:09:49,933
You know what that name
means to me?
80
00:09:49,934 --> 00:09:53,470
About as much as titties on a mule, son.
I run this outfit now.
81
00:09:53,471 --> 00:09:56,773
And while you're here,
you'll follow Reardon's Rules.
82
00:09:56,774 --> 00:10:00,766
No drinking, no fornicating,
and no partying, period.
83
00:10:01,479 --> 00:10:05,148
Or you'll be the first Wilder
who fails to graduate from Coolidge.
84
00:10:05,149 --> 00:10:06,983
Now, do you follow me?
85
00:10:06,984 --> 00:10:10,351
Yes, sir! You prefer your mules titless!
86
00:10:12,690 --> 00:10:14,124
Let's get one thing straight, son.
87
00:10:14,125 --> 00:10:17,627
I may not be able to kick you out of here
'cause of your daddy and his dough.
88
00:10:17,628 --> 00:10:22,087
But you screw with me,
and I'll make it so you'll pray to leave.
89
00:10:22,099 --> 00:10:23,861
Out.
90
00:10:25,770 --> 00:10:27,103
I'm glad we had this talk.
91
00:10:27,104 --> 00:10:30,664
Means there won't be
any problems in the future.
92
00:10:31,943 --> 00:10:37,278
Party tonight, party tonight.
Party tonight, party tonight, thank you.
93
00:10:37,882 --> 00:10:41,751
You smell that, Farley?
That's the smell of opportunity.
94
00:10:41,752 --> 00:10:45,822
The smell of thousands of new girls.
The... Hello.
95
00:10:45,823 --> 00:10:49,392
Van Wilder, Chairman
of Freshman Relations, self-appointed.
96
00:10:49,393 --> 00:10:51,127
This is my partner, Farley Marley.
97
00:10:51,128 --> 00:10:55,530
- Jah Rastafari.
- He's from Jamaica.
98
00:10:55,633 --> 00:10:56,900
- Right.
- We're having a little
99
00:10:56,901 --> 00:10:59,936
room-warming soiree tonight.
Nothing big, just a few hundred friends,
100
00:10:59,937 --> 00:11:03,506
foam machine, nitrous, frappuccinos.
We would love it if you ladies came.
101
00:11:03,507 --> 00:11:06,339
- A party?
- You're joking, right?
102
00:11:12,183 --> 00:11:16,119
No!
103
00:11:17,088 --> 00:11:18,919
It's okay.
104
00:11:22,660 --> 00:11:25,720
Wow. This is embarrassing.
105
00:11:26,264 --> 00:11:29,164
I can't believe nobody showed up.
106
00:11:30,101 --> 00:11:32,694
Well, it's about time.
107
00:11:36,741 --> 00:11:38,401
Party?
108
00:11:43,214 --> 00:11:47,884
So, Yu Dum Fok! You came all the way
here from China.
109
00:11:47,885 --> 00:11:51,788
Yes. Village I grow up in boring as shit.
110
00:11:51,789 --> 00:11:58,660
No party. I dream of beer bong,
bimbos, and boob on my butt.
111
00:11:58,663 --> 00:12:02,265
So, I work in sweatshop,
save money, come here.
112
00:12:02,266 --> 00:12:06,503
Cannot even afford room,
have to sleep in janitor closet.
113
00:12:06,504 --> 00:12:10,674
That's one of the most beautiful things
I've ever heard, Yu Dum Fok.
114
00:12:10,675 --> 00:12:15,945
No offense to your ancestors,
but maybe we'll just call you Yu, Yu.
115
00:12:15,946 --> 00:12:19,649
Van, how come no hot,
young, American cat?
116
00:12:19,650 --> 00:12:22,675
Coolidge is number one party school!
117
00:12:22,887 --> 00:12:26,686
1979. Wow!
118
00:12:27,725 --> 00:12:30,250
Girls used to have hair?
119
00:12:32,697 --> 00:12:35,965
I hate to break it to you, Yu,
120
00:12:35,966 --> 00:12:39,230
but I don't think
that's the case anymore.
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00:12:39,603 --> 00:12:41,593
No party?
122
00:12:42,340 --> 00:12:44,273
No beer bong?
123
00:12:45,176 --> 00:12:48,236
- No boob on butt?
- No.
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00:12:48,946 --> 00:12:52,313
I go to janitor closet now.
Drink "breach".
125
00:12:54,752 --> 00:12:56,310
Forget the "breach".
126
00:12:59,924 --> 00:13:03,359
Boys, it's toga time.
127
00:13:30,821 --> 00:13:35,519
Friends, Romans, grunting women,
lend me your beers.
128
00:14:03,854 --> 00:14:05,548
Welcome.
129
00:14:06,991 --> 00:14:08,224
Nice jugs.
130
00:14:08,225 --> 00:14:11,094
They contain the sacred blood
of the lamb.
131
00:14:11,095 --> 00:14:13,263
Do you wish to be purified?
132
00:14:13,264 --> 00:14:16,198
We here for boob on butt.
133
00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:19,562
Actually, I think we're lost.
134
00:14:20,438 --> 00:14:25,307
Come with me. My sisters
will take care of your friends.
135
00:14:26,010 --> 00:14:29,112
I'm not sure if you're aware,
but in the past few years
136
00:14:29,113 --> 00:14:33,516
Coolidge has become a more
religious and conservative campus
137
00:14:33,517 --> 00:14:35,780
than it used to be.
138
00:14:36,854 --> 00:14:39,088
I'd better take these.
139
00:14:39,089 --> 00:14:41,891
Alcohol is the devil's mouthwash.
140
00:14:41,892 --> 00:14:44,027
At Coolidge, we're dry.
141
00:14:44,028 --> 00:14:46,696
You know, science has made
incredible advancements
142
00:14:46,697 --> 00:14:48,698
in personal lubrication.
143
00:14:48,699 --> 00:14:51,690
You won't be needing these, either.
144
00:14:51,936 --> 00:14:56,532
Orgasms are the devil's heroin.
Just once, and you're hooked.
145
00:14:58,476 --> 00:15:04,514
"O daughters of Jerusalem,
do not awaken love until it is ready".
146
00:15:04,515 --> 00:15:06,382
- Amen.
- Amen.
147
00:15:06,383 --> 00:15:08,817
Song of Solomon, 8:4.
148
00:15:10,254 --> 00:15:15,248
Let she who is without sin
grasp the first bone.
149
00:15:17,561 --> 00:15:20,086
Wilder, 69.
150
00:15:21,899 --> 00:15:25,802
Perhaps you and your friends
should look into a different school.
151
00:15:25,803 --> 00:15:27,737
We have enough sinners here.
152
00:15:27,738 --> 00:15:30,340
You wouldn't happen to have
their phone numbers, would you?
153
00:15:30,341 --> 00:15:33,071
You have a very impure spirit.
154
00:15:33,177 --> 00:15:38,740
There's a dark, wretched hole
waiting for you.
155
00:15:39,183 --> 00:15:42,914
Okay, but you have to buy me
a drink first.
156
00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:45,781
I think that can be arranged.
157
00:15:46,323 --> 00:15:49,348
Now I know what a tampon feels like.
158
00:15:50,060 --> 00:15:52,529
This is a complete fuckery,
you know, man.
159
00:15:52,530 --> 00:15:55,298
No poom poom, no ganja.
160
00:15:55,299 --> 00:15:59,002
Vampires for Jesus,
throwing blood on us?
161
00:15:59,003 --> 00:16:03,139
- I can't take four years of this bullshit.
- We drink "breach," get sent home.
162
00:16:03,140 --> 00:16:08,339
Hey! No one's drinking "breach!"
And no one's going home.
163
00:16:08,712 --> 00:16:11,373
So what did you have in mind?
164
00:16:18,422 --> 00:16:20,150
We shake things up a bit.
165
00:16:31,602 --> 00:16:34,161
Why don't we just buy some?
166
00:16:34,672 --> 00:16:37,106
Where's the fun in that?
167
00:16:38,008 --> 00:16:41,306
This almost as good as boob on butt.
168
00:17:47,878 --> 00:17:50,573
Say hello to my little friend.
169
00:18:06,230 --> 00:18:07,890
Sorry.
170
00:18:09,667 --> 00:18:11,259
Don't forget to floss.
171
00:18:15,939 --> 00:18:19,342
Hi, Dirk. How's that big gun of yours?
172
00:18:19,343 --> 00:18:22,612
- Hey, honeybear.
- Hey, honeybear!
173
00:18:22,613 --> 00:18:28,210
Kaitlin. So nice you could make it.
We missed you in Bible study again.
174
00:18:28,452 --> 00:18:30,613
- Hymnal?
- Whoa!
175
00:18:31,555 --> 00:18:34,353
Nice arm, Jezebel.
176
00:18:34,925 --> 00:18:37,660
- I believe this is yours.
- Thanks.
177
00:18:37,661 --> 00:18:41,187
Van Wilder, hopeless romantic.
178
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:46,060
- Kaitlin Hayes.
- My girlfriend.
179
00:18:46,070 --> 00:18:47,904
Well, it's nice to see there are
some Christians
180
00:18:47,905 --> 00:18:50,464
who still do charity work.
181
00:18:51,375 --> 00:18:53,934
Come on, Kaitlin, let's go.
182
00:18:55,245 --> 00:18:58,509
Yeah, before all the good seats
are taken!
183
00:18:58,615 --> 00:19:01,583
No, thanks. I brought my own.
184
00:19:04,054 --> 00:19:05,254
Thank you.
185
00:19:05,255 --> 00:19:09,459
Today, I wanna talk about
something that's all over this school,
186
00:19:09,460 --> 00:19:14,997
and it isn't pencils, no.
And it isn't books. But it's sin.
187
00:19:14,998 --> 00:19:18,023
S- I-N. Sin.
188
00:19:18,068 --> 00:19:22,739
You know, it seems like they'll let just
about anybody in school these days.
189
00:19:22,740 --> 00:19:24,707
Except Jesus.
190
00:19:24,708 --> 00:19:28,044
And, you know, I took the time
to check Jesus' transcripts,
191
00:19:28,045 --> 00:19:32,281
and I find out that Jesus has
a perfect GPA.
192
00:19:32,282 --> 00:19:35,478
Yeah, that stands
for God Point Average.
193
00:19:37,287 --> 00:19:39,822
Amen, amen.
194
00:19:39,823 --> 00:19:42,325
- Amen.
- Amen.
195
00:19:42,326 --> 00:19:46,728
But what is the number one sin
on campus today?
196
00:19:47,865 --> 00:19:50,299
Quite plainly, it's sex.
197
00:19:50,567 --> 00:19:52,535
- Sex.
- S-E-X.
198
00:19:52,536 --> 00:19:54,435
- Sex.
- Sex.
199
00:19:54,505 --> 00:19:58,908
Even as we're speaking,
the sinning is beginning. Amen!
200
00:19:58,909 --> 00:20:00,743
- Amen.
- Amen.
201
00:20:00,744 --> 00:20:01,878
Amen, sisters.
202
00:20:01,879 --> 00:20:03,780
- Gentlemen, the Lord is...
- Hallelujah, sister!
203
00:20:03,781 --> 00:20:05,148
- ... about to work in very...
- Hallelujah!
204
00:20:05,149 --> 00:20:06,482
- ... mysterious ways.
- Hallelujah!
205
00:20:06,483 --> 00:20:10,851
That's right, sisters.
I want you to feel the Lord inside you.
206
00:20:11,655 --> 00:20:17,760
Because fornication, copulation
and the king of all sins, masturbation,
207
00:20:17,761 --> 00:20:21,864
is happening all around us,
even at this very moment.
208
00:20:21,865 --> 00:20:24,526
- Amen!
- Amen!
209
00:20:24,701 --> 00:20:30,571
But we've got a secret because
we've got Jesus on our side.
210
00:20:31,642 --> 00:20:32,975
Can I get an amen?
211
00:20:32,976 --> 00:20:34,443
- Amen!
- Amen!
212
00:20:34,444 --> 00:20:37,747
Amen, sisters!
Yes, they're feeling it right now!
213
00:20:37,748 --> 00:20:41,184
They got the power of the Lord
deep down inside them.
214
00:20:41,185 --> 00:20:43,050
- Amen!
- Amen!
215
00:20:43,253 --> 00:20:45,488
Hallelujah, sister, hallelujah.
216
00:20:45,489 --> 00:20:47,923
- Hallelujah!
- Hallelujah!
217
00:20:48,759 --> 00:20:51,093
- I want each of you out there to pray.
- Amen.
218
00:20:51,094 --> 00:20:54,063
Pray that you might be
feeling what they're feeling.
219
00:20:54,064 --> 00:20:55,331
- Amen!
- Amen!
220
00:20:55,332 --> 00:20:57,800
Yes, they're talking to the big guy.
221
00:20:57,801 --> 00:20:59,402
- Amen!
- Amen!
222
00:20:59,403 --> 00:21:01,971
Oh, the sisters are feeling
mighty good right now.
223
00:21:01,972 --> 00:21:04,440
- Amen, sisters!
- Amen!
224
00:21:04,441 --> 00:21:07,341
It's time for some tits and mass.
225
00:21:09,479 --> 00:21:12,048
- Amen!
- Amen!
226
00:21:12,049 --> 00:21:13,850
- Amen!
- Amen!
227
00:21:13,851 --> 00:21:15,218
Amen, sisters!
228
00:21:15,219 --> 00:21:16,886
That's what I'm talking about!
229
00:21:16,887 --> 00:21:18,621
- Amen!
- Amen!
230
00:21:18,622 --> 00:21:21,591
You might as well open up
your pearly gates, dear Lord.
231
00:21:21,592 --> 00:21:25,061
'Cause these sisters are coming!
These sisters are coming!
232
00:21:25,062 --> 00:21:27,096
These sisters are coming!
233
00:21:27,097 --> 00:21:28,996
- Amen!
- Amen!
234
00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:31,396
You know what these are?
235
00:21:31,397 --> 00:21:32,825
You know what these are?
236
00:21:34,004 --> 00:21:35,835
Yes, sir.
237
00:21:36,573 --> 00:21:40,109
And I think experimentation
is healthy for any marriage.
238
00:21:40,110 --> 00:21:44,842
You listen to me, funny man.
I can't prove it, but I know it was you.
239
00:21:45,115 --> 00:21:48,784
And you can rest assured,
I will get to the bottom of this.
240
00:21:48,785 --> 00:21:52,584
In this case, Chuck,
may I recommend some Vaseline.
241
00:21:55,192 --> 00:22:00,595
You know, nowadays,
the Dean has much more influence
242
00:22:00,797 --> 00:22:03,266
over a student's curriculum.
243
00:22:03,267 --> 00:22:06,964
And I have got something special
in store for you.
244
00:22:07,070 --> 00:22:11,597
Something to build character.
Something to make you a man.
245
00:22:11,975 --> 00:22:16,379
- Left, left, left, left, left, left...
- Left, left, left, left, left, left...
246
00:22:16,380 --> 00:22:18,147
I'm gonna take a stab in the dark
and say
247
00:22:18,148 --> 00:22:21,515
that none of you signed up
for this, either.
248
00:22:24,755 --> 00:22:27,723
Well, if they think
that we came to college
249
00:22:27,724 --> 00:22:30,626
to waste our time playing soldier
250
00:22:30,627 --> 00:22:35,831
to some slack-jawed, pituitary-pumping,
testosterone-tweaking Neanderthal,
251
00:22:35,832 --> 00:22:37,993
then they...
252
00:22:40,904 --> 00:22:43,472
Are 100% correct.
253
00:22:43,473 --> 00:22:46,806
Attention! Straight line! Eyes forward!
254
00:22:47,978 --> 00:22:51,547
I'm Corporal Hayes.
I will be your drill instructor.
255
00:22:51,548 --> 00:22:55,351
It's my job to guide you
through your ROTC physical training,
256
00:22:55,352 --> 00:22:59,117
which is required to graduate
from this institution.
257
00:22:59,156 --> 00:23:01,590
Are there any questions?
258
00:23:02,526 --> 00:23:03,826
Yes, soldier.
259
00:23:03,827 --> 00:23:07,763
Do you, by chance, drill in private?
260
00:23:08,365 --> 00:23:09,832
Well, Mr. Wilder, if you'd like,
261
00:23:09,833 --> 00:23:14,770
I'm sure I can arrange for us to spend
a little one-on-one time together.
262
00:23:15,472 --> 00:23:18,167
This a new experience for you?
263
00:23:19,142 --> 00:23:20,700
Yeah.
264
00:23:21,078 --> 00:23:25,241
I usually go electric.
Helps get those hard-to-reach spots.
265
00:23:26,650 --> 00:23:30,017
Hilarious. I've met guys like you before.
266
00:23:30,053 --> 00:23:33,351
The only person you care about
is yourself.
267
00:23:34,257 --> 00:23:36,622
- Something funny?
- Yeah.
268
00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:40,196
I just can't wait to prove you wrong.
269
00:23:40,197 --> 00:23:41,664
We'll see.
270
00:23:41,665 --> 00:23:44,793
Oh, and by the way, you missed a spot.
271
00:23:45,469 --> 00:23:47,197
Enjoy.
272
00:23:56,646 --> 00:23:59,944
I'm sorry. I ordered mine well-done.
273
00:24:03,420 --> 00:24:05,454
I have better food in sweatshop.
274
00:24:05,455 --> 00:24:08,150
Oh, it can't be that bad, Yu.
275
00:24:19,269 --> 00:24:24,729
- What? I had the munchies.
- Well, look what we have here.
276
00:24:25,642 --> 00:24:26,976
I haven't seen this many turds
277
00:24:26,977 --> 00:24:30,537
since I won
that campus hot-dog eating contest.
278
00:24:30,881 --> 00:24:35,851
Yeah, I haven't seen this many pansies
since I was picking flowers yesterday.
279
00:24:35,852 --> 00:24:38,888
Remember, I was making
that arrangement, and the...
280
00:24:38,889 --> 00:24:41,090
So how's the chow, ladies?
281
00:24:41,091 --> 00:24:44,660
I give the presentation three stars,
I really do,
282
00:24:44,661 --> 00:24:47,823
but the pseudo meat, it's a little dry.
283
00:25:03,413 --> 00:25:06,905
- There you go. All better.
- Yum, yum, yum.
284
00:25:10,454 --> 00:25:12,621
You know, I heard they were looking
for a few good men,
285
00:25:12,622 --> 00:25:16,182
but I guess they'll take
whatever they can get.
286
00:25:18,395 --> 00:25:23,025
- Hey, Dirk.
- Kaitlin! Hey, honeybear, hi!
287
00:25:23,767 --> 00:25:24,934
What are you boys up to?
288
00:25:24,935 --> 00:25:28,237
Well, we were just congratulating
these fine young soldiers here
289
00:25:28,238 --> 00:25:32,504
on their first day of duty.
You know me, Lieutenant Friendly.
290
00:25:32,676 --> 00:25:36,245
Lieutenant Friendly here even
volunteered to switch meals with me.
291
00:25:36,246 --> 00:25:38,509
Oh, what a nice guy.
292
00:25:46,423 --> 00:25:49,858
Yum, yum. That is so good.
293
00:25:51,261 --> 00:25:53,388
How's yours, Dirk?
294
00:25:59,970 --> 00:26:01,698
Oh, God.
295
00:26:11,748 --> 00:26:13,840
Well, how was it?
296
00:26:18,121 --> 00:26:20,612
Always leading by example.
297
00:26:21,892 --> 00:26:25,628
- So, are we still going to the game?
- Oh, I...
298
00:26:25,629 --> 00:26:27,653
You bet we are!
299
00:26:28,131 --> 00:26:29,365
What game?
300
00:26:29,366 --> 00:26:32,101
- There's a football game this weekend.
- Really?
301
00:26:32,102 --> 00:26:34,336
These losers haven't won
a game in years.
302
00:26:34,337 --> 00:26:35,571
Come on, it's not about winning
or losing.
303
00:26:35,572 --> 00:26:37,873
It's about supporting your school.
304
00:26:37,874 --> 00:26:40,876
You know what? You are so right, babe.
School spirit.
305
00:26:40,877 --> 00:26:42,244
Okay, well I'm gonna get back to class.
306
00:26:42,245 --> 00:26:44,269
Okay. Bye.
307
00:26:45,448 --> 00:26:50,044
All right, guess what, queerbait?
You're officially on my bad side.
308
00:27:01,431 --> 00:27:06,300
The team's a joke, but the concessions
will probably buy me a new Humvee.
309
00:27:09,472 --> 00:27:10,706
Right.
310
00:27:10,707 --> 00:27:14,472
I take bigger hits than these guys
for breakfast.
311
00:27:14,678 --> 00:27:16,378
No, it's not the team's fault.
312
00:27:16,379 --> 00:27:20,007
- You guys, come on!
- They've got no inspiration.
313
00:27:20,183 --> 00:27:23,152
It looks like the cheerleaders are
asking for a little divine intervention.
314
00:27:23,153 --> 00:27:25,348
I'll be right back.
315
00:27:26,056 --> 00:27:28,319
Where you going, man?
316
00:27:28,658 --> 00:27:30,523
To fix this.
317
00:27:35,031 --> 00:27:39,023
I have never seen
such a sorry display in all my life.
318
00:27:39,102 --> 00:27:41,537
I mean, where's the fire?
Where is the intensity?
319
00:27:41,538 --> 00:27:45,872
And for God's sake,
where are the tight ends?
320
00:27:46,243 --> 00:27:48,277
Your team needs you out there.
321
00:27:48,278 --> 00:27:52,781
Okay, being a cheerleader isn't
about pigtails and pompoms.
322
00:27:52,782 --> 00:27:56,385
It's about standing by your team,
even when they suck.
323
00:27:56,386 --> 00:27:59,755
Especially when they suck.
324
00:27:59,756 --> 00:28:00,856
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
325
00:28:00,857 --> 00:28:02,291
Now, do you think you can do that?
326
00:28:02,292 --> 00:28:03,459
- Yes.
- Yes.
327
00:28:03,460 --> 00:28:06,195
Do you think you can give it
the old college try?
328
00:28:06,196 --> 00:28:07,329
- Yes.
- Yes.
329
00:28:07,330 --> 00:28:11,967
Do you think maybe, just maybe,
you can help those guys score?
330
00:28:11,968 --> 00:28:13,369
- Yes!
- Yes!
331
00:28:13,370 --> 00:28:16,065
That's what I'm talking about.
332
00:28:16,406 --> 00:28:21,002
But first, we're gonna have
to make a few cuts.
333
00:28:30,387 --> 00:28:32,254
Who knew our cheerleaders were hot?
334
00:28:32,255 --> 00:28:35,246
Who knew our cheerleaders
were women?
335
00:28:36,092 --> 00:28:39,328
Hey, guys.
The girls have done their part.
336
00:28:39,329 --> 00:28:41,592
Now it's your turn.
337
00:28:43,266 --> 00:28:46,268
Oh, and they said
that if you win this thing,
338
00:28:46,269 --> 00:28:49,363
they're throwing you a victory party.
339
00:28:50,006 --> 00:28:54,176
Victory party, guys. All right, let's go.
One, two, three...
340
00:28:54,177 --> 00:28:56,406
- Coolidge!
- Coolidge!
341
00:28:58,114 --> 00:29:01,310
Come on! I know you can do it, now.
342
00:29:01,751 --> 00:29:03,452
I tell you,
I don't know whose idea it was,
343
00:29:03,453 --> 00:29:08,287
but these cheerleaders are grinding it
harder than Juan Valdez.
344
00:29:09,559 --> 00:29:11,424
What the...
345
00:29:12,529 --> 00:29:14,428
Sweet Jesus!
346
00:29:41,224 --> 00:29:44,192
Now, that's what I'm talking about!
347
00:30:56,733 --> 00:30:58,860
Watch your head!
348
00:31:06,509 --> 00:31:08,772
Guys, give me a ride.
349
00:31:25,795 --> 00:31:27,319
Hey!
350
00:31:27,831 --> 00:31:30,458
- School spirit?
- No, thanks.
351
00:31:30,600 --> 00:31:32,692
How about a beer?
352
00:31:37,273 --> 00:31:39,172
In a bottle.
353
00:31:42,779 --> 00:31:45,008
I shouldn't be here.
354
00:32:01,931 --> 00:32:03,898
Hey, wait up!
355
00:32:05,902 --> 00:32:07,336
I'll walk you back to your dorm.
356
00:32:07,337 --> 00:32:10,906
I'm sorry. I just... I can't afford to do
anything that might jeopardize
357
00:32:10,907 --> 00:32:14,865
- getting into officer-training school.
- Understandable.
358
00:32:15,612 --> 00:32:17,746
I must seem
like such a Goody Two-shoes.
359
00:32:17,747 --> 00:32:19,305
No.
360
00:32:19,482 --> 00:32:21,847
I was gonna say prude.
361
00:32:29,192 --> 00:32:33,822
You know, you should read
The Art of War by Sun Tzu.
362
00:32:35,031 --> 00:32:39,399
He say, "All great warfare
is based on deception.
363
00:32:40,136 --> 00:32:43,036
"Offer the enemy bait to lure him.
364
00:32:43,039 --> 00:32:46,838
"Feign disorder and crush him".
365
00:32:49,646 --> 00:32:51,306
Or her.
366
00:32:52,048 --> 00:32:54,116
He also says we cannot enter alliances
367
00:32:54,117 --> 00:32:58,075
until we know the designs
of our neighbors. Good night.
368
00:33:01,558 --> 00:33:04,760
You're not even going to let me
escort you to your room?
369
00:33:04,761 --> 00:33:08,196
Now, what kind of a prude
would that make me?
370
00:33:44,300 --> 00:33:47,701
Hey, where'd you come from?
371
00:33:50,273 --> 00:33:53,241
Broke out of your little cage, huh?
372
00:33:54,677 --> 00:33:56,701
What the hell?
373
00:33:58,047 --> 00:34:00,378
Oh, my God.
374
00:34:02,185 --> 00:34:04,710
You're my new best friend.
375
00:34:04,854 --> 00:34:06,821
Here's to you.
376
00:34:08,891 --> 00:34:10,653
Colossus.
377
00:34:10,860 --> 00:34:11,893
- Hey.
- Hey.
378
00:34:11,894 --> 00:34:13,428
Hi! Great party.
379
00:34:13,429 --> 00:34:16,659
Don't thank me. Thank tequila.
What's up?
380
00:34:17,634 --> 00:34:19,226
Found your pants.
381
00:34:25,208 --> 00:34:29,611
Van, I took your advice about shaving
my excess body hair, and it worked.
382
00:34:29,612 --> 00:34:31,546
She said I'd get laid tonight.
383
00:34:31,547 --> 00:34:34,106
- What's her major?
- Pre-law.
384
00:34:34,884 --> 00:34:37,579
- Get it in writing.
- Hey, Van.
385
00:34:38,488 --> 00:34:43,425
Hey, guys, guys, guys,
I will get to all of you later, I promise.
386
00:34:45,561 --> 00:34:47,085
Wow!
387
00:34:48,931 --> 00:34:52,457
Hey, big man on campus.
388
00:34:52,869 --> 00:34:59,069
- A blessing and a curse.
- Van! Van, I need your help.
389
00:34:59,642 --> 00:35:01,972
- Calm down, Yu.
- I meet girl in class, "berry" sexy.
390
00:35:01,973 --> 00:35:04,735
- Calm down, Yu.
- I meet girl in class, "berry" sexy.
391
00:35:04,781 --> 00:35:08,717
So I say she beautiful.
She say, "Get lost!"
392
00:35:08,718 --> 00:35:12,788
So I say she smart. She say, "Get lost!"
393
00:35:12,789 --> 00:35:18,660
So I say, "I know Van Wilder,"
and she say, "Where your room?"
394
00:35:18,661 --> 00:35:22,397
Things heating up,
but first I give her Connie ring ass.
395
00:35:22,398 --> 00:35:24,800
- Connie who?
- Connie ring ass!
396
00:35:24,801 --> 00:35:26,835
- Ring ass?
- Ring ass!
397
00:35:26,836 --> 00:35:30,396
- Cunnilingus!
- Oh, right!
398
00:35:30,673 --> 00:35:33,767
So next thing, she cry, she run out!
399
00:35:37,380 --> 00:35:39,677
Show me what you did.
400
00:35:56,165 --> 00:36:00,999
Jesus, man! You're lucky you didn't
send her to the fucking hospital.
401
00:36:02,205 --> 00:36:04,673
Where did you learn that?
402
00:36:05,875 --> 00:36:09,970
- Sex "crass".
- What sex "crass"?
403
00:36:10,413 --> 00:36:14,282
Now, sex is achieved when
a male's sin stick is in, on,
404
00:36:14,283 --> 00:36:16,284
or in the same room as
405
00:36:16,285 --> 00:36:18,487
a female's hell hole.
406
00:36:18,488 --> 00:36:20,255
Now, no matter what the woman says,
407
00:36:20,256 --> 00:36:24,385
the act of procreation should only last
for a few seconds.
408
00:36:24,761 --> 00:36:28,697
And remember, if it feels good,
you're doing it wrong.
409
00:36:29,365 --> 00:36:32,801
Professor Downs!
There's an emergency phone call.
410
00:36:32,802 --> 00:36:36,705
- Your wife was in an accident.
- Tell her I'll call her later.
411
00:36:36,706 --> 00:36:40,004
- And she totaled your Mustang.
- That bitch!
412
00:36:40,009 --> 00:36:44,309
- Class, turn to pages 20 to 22 and...
- Hello.
413
00:36:45,481 --> 00:36:47,175
Wake up!
414
00:36:47,483 --> 00:36:52,716
My name is Professor Wilder.
415
00:36:52,989 --> 00:36:59,257
I have BA, an MA and a PhD.
And I received a BJ from a double-D.
416
00:37:02,398 --> 00:37:05,298
These are my teaching assistants.
417
00:37:07,336 --> 00:37:10,100
Welcome to Sex 101.
418
00:37:11,507 --> 00:37:12,874
This is hot.
419
00:37:12,875 --> 00:37:14,740
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
420
00:37:16,212 --> 00:37:17,479
This is not.
421
00:37:17,480 --> 00:37:19,345
- No!
- No!
422
00:37:21,317 --> 00:37:22,943
Hand?
423
00:37:23,686 --> 00:37:25,244
Bad!
424
00:37:26,055 --> 00:37:29,319
We call this maneuver "flanking".
425
00:37:33,896 --> 00:37:36,489
Who can name this position?
426
00:37:38,000 --> 00:37:40,802
- Yu.
- Glass Bottom Boat!
427
00:37:40,803 --> 00:37:42,770
And this one.
428
00:37:43,973 --> 00:37:45,707
Analingus!
429
00:37:45,708 --> 00:37:49,845
- And that one.
- Mississippi Kiss the Gypsy.
430
00:37:49,846 --> 00:37:55,113
Spraying Mantis.
Horny Dancer. Superman.
431
00:37:55,351 --> 00:37:58,581
The Gizzard of Oz!
432
00:37:59,388 --> 00:38:01,583
That's my favorite.
433
00:38:02,859 --> 00:38:06,661
- Ladies.
- Hello, hands, meet the glans.
434
00:38:06,662 --> 00:38:10,359
- And?
- Don't be daft, work the shaft.
435
00:38:10,733 --> 00:38:15,260
- Guys.
- Don't be a twit, rub that clit.
436
00:38:15,471 --> 00:38:17,563
You're learning!
437
00:38:18,040 --> 00:38:20,976
Now, remember,
always practice safe sex.
438
00:38:20,977 --> 00:38:25,013
But clean up after yourselves.
Condoms are like newspapers.
439
00:38:25,014 --> 00:38:26,648
They may be filled
with important stuff now,
440
00:38:26,649 --> 00:38:30,585
but you don't want them lying around
tomorrow morning.
441
00:38:30,586 --> 00:38:32,678
Write that down.
442
00:38:36,525 --> 00:38:38,390
Miss Hayes.
443
00:38:39,929 --> 00:38:43,198
I'll let it slide this time,
but if you plan on being teacher's pet
444
00:38:43,199 --> 00:38:46,668
- you really should stay after class.
- Class?
445
00:38:47,536 --> 00:38:48,870
You're kidding, right?
446
00:38:48,871 --> 00:38:53,475
Nothing from that soft-core seminar
would actually work in real life.
447
00:38:53,476 --> 00:38:56,536
Okay, I give you tongue if you like.
448
00:38:57,813 --> 00:39:01,416
The point is you put on
a disgusting display of vulgar anatomy,
449
00:39:01,417 --> 00:39:03,218
crude stereotypes and dirty limericks.
450
00:39:03,219 --> 00:39:06,017
Which you took copious notes on.
451
00:39:06,789 --> 00:39:08,256
This is all a game to you.
452
00:39:08,257 --> 00:39:11,660
It's a lot of smooth talk, and then it's
wham, bam, thank you, Van.
453
00:39:11,661 --> 00:39:14,462
Well, my father taught me,
if it's something worth doing,
454
00:39:14,463 --> 00:39:16,498
it's worth doing right.
455
00:39:16,499 --> 00:39:19,134
Well, my father taught me
that the best things in life
456
00:39:19,135 --> 00:39:21,466
are worth waiting for.
457
00:39:24,073 --> 00:39:26,905
- Wait.
- Catch you later, teach.
458
00:39:26,909 --> 00:39:32,403
Van! Van! Okay, thank you, thank you.
459
00:39:37,219 --> 00:39:41,018
- I'm Yu.
- I'm Dongmei.
460
00:39:50,399 --> 00:39:55,632
You know, I am not sure what it is,
but there is something in the air tonight.
461
00:39:56,172 --> 00:39:57,372
Something called...
462
00:39:57,373 --> 00:39:59,204
Love, girl.
463
00:39:59,775 --> 00:40:02,577
See, that's what the reggae music
is all about.
464
00:40:02,578 --> 00:40:03,712
Love and...
465
00:40:03,713 --> 00:40:05,373
Shrimp?
466
00:40:20,196 --> 00:40:21,563
Look at those.
467
00:40:21,564 --> 00:40:24,624
Flamethrowers! Use the flamethrowers!
468
00:40:28,738 --> 00:40:31,536
Permission to come inside, sir?
469
00:40:32,074 --> 00:40:34,109
Kaitlin, you look like a...
470
00:40:34,110 --> 00:40:35,838
Tramp!
471
00:40:36,045 --> 00:40:38,979
That's what I feel like sometimes.
472
00:40:39,081 --> 00:40:42,880
I mean, I know she has a boyfriend,
but it's like...
473
00:40:43,853 --> 00:40:47,584
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't be boring you with all this.
474
00:40:49,358 --> 00:40:52,986
Here. I have a little surprise for us.
475
00:41:04,774 --> 00:41:08,141
Sweet and sour.
476
00:41:09,278 --> 00:41:13,236
Ready, aim, fire!
477
00:41:20,356 --> 00:41:22,057
Kaitlin, what's gotten into you?
478
00:41:22,058 --> 00:41:25,925
Let's just say I learned
a few things in class today.
479
00:41:27,430 --> 00:41:29,998
Kaitlin, I need my energy.
480
00:41:29,999 --> 00:41:32,734
I have to pass
that obstacle course in the morning.
481
00:41:32,735 --> 00:41:35,226
I'll give you an obstacle.
482
00:41:37,306 --> 00:41:39,034
Don't.
483
00:42:12,508 --> 00:42:15,670
I am so glad you weren't busy tonight.
484
00:42:21,951 --> 00:42:23,782
Go ahead.
485
00:42:51,347 --> 00:42:53,178
God.
486
00:42:56,619 --> 00:42:59,287
Put some of Professor Van's
methods to the test last night?
487
00:42:59,288 --> 00:43:01,122
You wish. What about you?
488
00:43:01,123 --> 00:43:05,753
I figured you'd be in Wilder Hall
sucking beers with Susie Sorority.
489
00:43:05,895 --> 00:43:07,828
Travel books.
490
00:43:09,365 --> 00:43:12,600
I always had you pegged
as more of a Soldier of Fortune girl.
491
00:43:12,601 --> 00:43:15,403
Traveling's one of the reasons
why I wanna be in the military.
492
00:43:15,404 --> 00:43:16,804
To see the world.
493
00:43:16,805 --> 00:43:21,139
You know, there are vacations
that don't involve machine guns.
494
00:43:21,243 --> 00:43:23,040
Oh, right.
495
00:43:23,078 --> 00:43:25,547
Spring break in Mexico,
winters in the Caribbean.
496
00:43:25,548 --> 00:43:28,642
You probably spent summer
in Amsterdam.
497
00:43:29,818 --> 00:43:35,551
I think it's important to familiarize
oneself with international tongues.
498
00:43:36,192 --> 00:43:40,822
- Life's just one big party, isn't it?
- Why shouldn't it be?
499
00:43:40,963 --> 00:43:43,831
Last time I checked,
we only go around once, right?
500
00:43:43,832 --> 00:43:46,301
Unless you believe in reincarnation.
501
00:43:46,302 --> 00:43:50,898
In that case, I wanna come back
as a ThighMaster.
502
00:43:52,908 --> 00:43:54,568
What?
503
00:43:57,680 --> 00:44:00,307
Hey! Wait up!
504
00:44:00,449 --> 00:44:03,151
You know, you could be
a great leader if you just learned
505
00:44:03,152 --> 00:44:04,752
how to follow orders first.
506
00:44:04,753 --> 00:44:07,355
Not a big fan
of authority figures, actually.
507
00:44:07,356 --> 00:44:10,525
- Someone has father issues.
- That makes two of us.
508
00:44:10,526 --> 00:44:12,960
- Excuse me?
- Come on.
509
00:44:13,195 --> 00:44:16,531
The whole military routine,
the tough exterior.
510
00:44:16,532 --> 00:44:18,633
You don't know anything
about my father or me.
511
00:44:18,634 --> 00:44:21,402
- You just see a uniform and...
- You just see a name on a building.
512
00:44:21,403 --> 00:44:24,072
Well, why don't you surprise me?
513
00:44:24,073 --> 00:44:28,976
All right. First of all,
I've never even been in Wilder Hall.
514
00:44:29,478 --> 00:44:33,141
And secondly,
for someone who's so big on rules,
515
00:44:35,884 --> 00:44:37,218
here it is.
516
00:44:37,219 --> 00:44:39,721
"Student undergarments should be
as modest
517
00:44:39,722 --> 00:44:42,656
"and unrevealing as possible".
518
00:44:42,858 --> 00:44:46,794
- So?
- So my sixth sense is telling me...
519
00:44:49,398 --> 00:44:52,799
- You're a thong girl.
- What? No, I'm not.
520
00:44:52,868 --> 00:44:56,004
- My sixth sense does not lie.
- Well, it does this time.
521
00:44:56,005 --> 00:44:58,006
And in the future,
you might want to keep it,
522
00:44:58,007 --> 00:45:03,001
and the rest of your senses to yourself.
Some things are private, Private.
523
00:45:08,083 --> 00:45:13,714
Corporal, I think it's time we take things
to the next level.
524
00:45:13,756 --> 00:45:16,758
I have waited so long
to hear you say that.
525
00:45:16,759 --> 00:45:19,227
- What?
- Nothing, I...
526
00:45:20,496 --> 00:45:23,364
Eve! Jesus, you almost scared
the courage out of me.
527
00:45:23,365 --> 00:45:26,234
Hey, Dirk, I was just wondering
if you could help me.
528
00:45:26,235 --> 00:45:28,836
- With what?
- I need to talk to God.
529
00:45:28,837 --> 00:45:30,538
So go talk to him. I'm busy.
530
00:45:30,539 --> 00:45:33,507
I need to feel him inside of me.
531
00:45:36,111 --> 00:45:38,313
Don't you wanna help me find God?
532
00:45:38,314 --> 00:45:42,250
- Listen. I don't know what you're on...
- Just fuck me!
533
00:45:43,319 --> 00:45:44,786
Get away from me, devil woman!
534
00:45:44,787 --> 00:45:45,920
- Dirk!
- Faster!
535
00:45:45,921 --> 00:45:47,388
You get back here!
536
00:45:47,589 --> 00:45:50,024
Yes, I bought you toilet paper.
537
00:45:50,025 --> 00:45:53,255
No, it's not quilted. Golly!
538
00:45:57,333 --> 00:46:00,063
I won't ask if you don't tell?
539
00:46:02,938 --> 00:46:06,532
What the... Hey, put me down!
540
00:46:10,346 --> 00:46:12,680
Is this where you bring all the boys?
541
00:46:12,681 --> 00:46:15,116
Oh, yeah, you're a real comedian.
542
00:46:15,117 --> 00:46:19,320
You like cracking your jokes,
throwing your little parties,
543
00:46:19,321 --> 00:46:22,290
sticking your tongue
in other people's property?
544
00:46:22,291 --> 00:46:25,259
Can someone get this guy a Tic Tac?
545
00:46:25,561 --> 00:46:29,063
Well, I got news for you, Mr. Cool Guy,
546
00:46:29,064 --> 00:46:34,467
Mr. Rock 'n' Roll, Mr. Hot Crotch!
547
00:46:35,671 --> 00:46:40,675
Your party-boy bullshit
has no place here at Coolidge.
548
00:46:40,676 --> 00:46:43,177
And you're about to find out
the hard way.
549
00:46:43,178 --> 00:46:44,278
I wanna watch!
550
00:46:44,279 --> 00:46:47,805
This should teach you
not to mess with my girl.
551
00:46:52,154 --> 00:46:53,882
Hold him!
552
00:46:56,558 --> 00:46:59,117
Come on, Wilder. Drink up!
553
00:47:03,499 --> 00:47:05,398
Had enough?
554
00:47:05,768 --> 00:47:09,863
You wouldn't happen to have
a pale ale on tap, would you?
555
00:47:11,507 --> 00:47:13,235
Screw it.
556
00:47:16,462 --> 00:47:18,520
How your face feel?
557
00:47:19,865 --> 00:47:22,060
Like a punching bag.
558
00:47:22,201 --> 00:47:25,226
Maybe you should find another girl.
559
00:47:25,471 --> 00:47:28,439
No, it's not just the girl, Farley.
560
00:47:28,574 --> 00:47:33,211
Dirk and Reardon and all the rest
of those Cro-Magnon crotch diggers
561
00:47:33,212 --> 00:47:37,307
need to learn they can't run
this place like Guantanamo U.
562
00:47:42,288 --> 00:47:46,690
Oh, man! Who's been feeding
that dog corn again?
563
00:47:50,463 --> 00:47:53,431
Farley, get some gloves.
564
00:47:57,203 --> 00:47:59,330
All right, girls!
565
00:48:01,574 --> 00:48:05,410
This is covert ops! I want it by the book!
566
00:48:05,411 --> 00:48:06,845
Now camo up! Let's go!
567
00:48:06,846 --> 00:48:09,541
- Sir, yes, sir!
- Sir, yes, sir!
568
00:48:10,182 --> 00:48:13,913
- Jesus, it smells.
- Come on! Faster! Move! Yeah!
569
00:48:13,986 --> 00:48:15,783
Put it on!
570
00:48:16,322 --> 00:48:18,517
Mother of God!
571
00:48:19,225 --> 00:48:21,659
Sir, he's right. It smells like...
572
00:48:21,660 --> 00:48:24,829
What do you want it
to smell like? Roses?
573
00:48:24,830 --> 00:48:26,661
Put it on!
574
00:48:35,908 --> 00:48:39,935
All right, troops, one mile left.
Double time! Let's go!
575
00:48:42,181 --> 00:48:46,014
- What happened to your face?
- I ran into a tool.
576
00:48:52,725 --> 00:48:54,325
Oh, Dirk!
577
00:48:54,326 --> 00:48:58,284
Not now, honeybear,
we're in the middle of covert ops!
578
00:48:58,330 --> 00:49:00,865
- What's that smell?
- That smell?
579
00:49:00,866 --> 00:49:03,664
- Yeah.
- It's the smell of war!
580
00:49:06,038 --> 00:49:08,529
Well, it smells like crap.
581
00:49:13,546 --> 00:49:18,073
- Is that corn?
- Back to base showers now!
582
00:49:20,085 --> 00:49:22,348
Ran into a tool, huh?
583
00:49:31,530 --> 00:49:34,199
- Wilder is dead!
- Dirk, what are you doing here?
584
00:49:34,200 --> 00:49:37,202
- It's against the rules.
- I don't care about the rules.
585
00:49:37,203 --> 00:49:39,771
- Now you sound like Van.
- No. No, no, no.
586
00:49:39,772 --> 00:49:42,607
Don't you dare say that name to me!
I don't even wanna...
587
00:49:42,608 --> 00:49:46,878
I don't even wanna hear that name!
588
00:49:46,879 --> 00:49:50,381
- Dirk, calm down.
- You're forbidden to see him again.
589
00:49:50,382 --> 00:49:52,517
Excuse me?
You can't tell me who to see.
590
00:49:52,518 --> 00:49:53,918
Oh, you heard me, Corporal.
591
00:49:53,919 --> 00:49:57,855
I don't want you to see him.
You don't talk to him. Period!
592
00:49:58,324 --> 00:50:01,292
Or what? You'll beat him up again?
593
00:50:01,293 --> 00:50:04,660
He's not one of us, Kaitlin!
594
00:50:05,331 --> 00:50:07,321
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
595
00:50:08,067 --> 00:50:11,869
Well, then, I don't wanna be one of us,
either. Get out, Dirk!
596
00:50:11,870 --> 00:50:15,039
Wait, what? You can't break up with me.
597
00:50:15,040 --> 00:50:18,243
We have cuddle-wuddle time
at 2100 hours.
598
00:50:18,244 --> 00:50:20,439
Cuddle your gun.
599
00:50:25,951 --> 00:50:28,942
Oh, and you can keep
Major McHuggles!
600
00:50:43,402 --> 00:50:45,665
Where are the others?
601
00:50:45,671 --> 00:50:47,372
Just you and me today, soldier.
602
00:50:47,373 --> 00:50:50,842
Figured you need
a little one-on-one training.
603
00:50:51,610 --> 00:50:53,311
You have 10 minutes to run the course.
604
00:50:53,312 --> 00:50:56,007
Let's see if you can keep up.
605
00:50:56,148 --> 00:50:58,650
Care to make it interesting?
606
00:50:58,651 --> 00:51:01,819
If I win, you have to let me take you out.
607
00:51:01,820 --> 00:51:05,153
Nothing sexual,
just a tour around campus.
608
00:51:05,324 --> 00:51:06,791
And if you don't?
609
00:51:06,792 --> 00:51:09,661
I'll do latrine duty for a month.
610
00:51:09,662 --> 00:51:13,097
- You're on.
- Great. When do I start?
611
00:51:13,098 --> 00:51:15,225
You already have.
612
00:52:33,345 --> 00:52:35,446
You're running out of time!
613
00:52:35,447 --> 00:52:37,548
I can't. I don't have any...
614
00:52:37,549 --> 00:52:42,220
Come on. You have 10 seconds.
Ten, nine, eight...
615
00:52:42,221 --> 00:52:44,120
Hey, Wilder!
616
00:52:44,857 --> 00:52:47,416
Do you want this, or what?
617
00:52:54,533 --> 00:52:56,601
I knew you had it in you.
618
00:52:56,602 --> 00:52:58,569
Piece of cake.
619
00:52:58,937 --> 00:53:02,206
Let me know if you find my right testicle.
620
00:53:02,207 --> 00:53:05,642
Come on, milk dud.
I'll buy you an ice cream.
621
00:53:06,612 --> 00:53:08,079
Mother!
622
00:53:08,614 --> 00:53:10,445
All right.
623
00:53:13,986 --> 00:53:16,354
Look at 'em, Lieutenant.
624
00:53:16,355 --> 00:53:19,557
Morons, listening to their retard rock.
625
00:53:19,558 --> 00:53:23,194
Horn dogs, tongue-dancing,
like cousins in a closet.
626
00:53:23,195 --> 00:53:25,263
You see what's happening down there,
don't you?
627
00:53:25,264 --> 00:53:28,096
Chaos, anarchy, ironic T-shirts.
628
00:53:29,768 --> 00:53:33,738
I'm losing control, damn it,
and I refuse to let that happen.
629
00:53:33,739 --> 00:53:36,605
Do you know who's behind it, sir?
630
00:53:36,842 --> 00:53:38,709
I know who's behind it, all right.
631
00:53:38,710 --> 00:53:43,271
It's that same rooster that's been
sniffing around your hen house.
632
00:53:46,952 --> 00:53:50,655
Looks like somebody
needs another beating!
633
00:53:50,656 --> 00:53:52,223
Forget it.
634
00:53:52,224 --> 00:53:54,158
Beating him up is like beating off.
635
00:53:54,159 --> 00:53:56,527
It might feel good doing it,
but in the end,
636
00:53:56,528 --> 00:53:58,696
we're just standing there
with our dicks in our hands.
637
00:53:58,697 --> 00:54:02,360
- No. We need something more.
- I could...
638
00:54:03,101 --> 00:54:04,936
Beat up his roommate, sir.
639
00:54:04,937 --> 00:54:07,905
God damn it, boy. You stupid?
640
00:54:08,307 --> 00:54:10,297
Wait a minute.
641
00:54:10,776 --> 00:54:12,777
Isn't his roommate that pothead?
642
00:54:12,778 --> 00:54:14,677
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
643
00:54:15,614 --> 00:54:18,412
Lieutenant, I have got an idea.
644
00:54:54,953 --> 00:54:58,356
Milady, your chariot awaits.
645
00:54:58,357 --> 00:55:01,883
- How did you get this?
- Chuck lent it to me.
646
00:55:02,094 --> 00:55:04,118
We go way back.
647
00:55:05,230 --> 00:55:06,890
Thanks.
648
00:55:14,506 --> 00:55:16,040
This is incredible.
649
00:55:16,041 --> 00:55:18,175
You said you always
wanted to see the world.
650
00:55:18,176 --> 00:55:20,645
I thought we'd start with the tropics.
651
00:55:20,646 --> 00:55:25,048
Oh, I almost forgot,
the most important part.
652
00:55:27,786 --> 00:55:30,388
- What is it?
- It's my own concoction.
653
00:55:30,389 --> 00:55:33,257
- I call it the amputated leg.
- Why?
654
00:55:33,258 --> 00:55:37,489
'Cause if you have more
than one, you're flat on your ass.
655
00:55:52,978 --> 00:55:57,005
Christ! Look at this place.
It's like a homo's paradise.
656
00:55:58,350 --> 00:56:01,552
- You want a cosmo?
- Put that down! Put it down!
657
00:56:01,553 --> 00:56:04,112
Get over here! Stupid ass.
658
00:56:05,757 --> 00:56:07,986
You have the stuff?
659
00:56:08,660 --> 00:56:12,061
You have no idea
where I had to hide this.
660
00:56:14,633 --> 00:56:16,601
Put it over there in that plant thingy.
661
00:56:16,602 --> 00:56:20,401
Technically, that's a variegated ficus.
It really...
662
00:56:30,349 --> 00:56:31,949
Yes, hello. I'd like to report
the possession
663
00:56:31,950 --> 00:56:34,441
of some illegal narcotics.
664
00:56:34,786 --> 00:56:37,855
I can't believe I'm doing this,
blowing off my homework,
665
00:56:37,856 --> 00:56:41,058
drinking and riding
in a stolen vehicle, no less.
666
00:56:41,059 --> 00:56:43,254
God bless America.
667
00:56:44,162 --> 00:56:47,665
You know, what you've done here,
it's pretty great.
668
00:56:47,666 --> 00:56:50,334
Well, Farley's the one
who scooped out the pineapple.
669
00:56:50,335 --> 00:56:54,202
Shut up. I mean here, this, Coolidge.
670
00:56:54,606 --> 00:56:57,768
I don't know. People seem happier.
671
00:56:57,843 --> 00:57:00,011
That's because
they're thinking for themselves.
672
00:57:00,012 --> 00:57:02,413
They don't have some father figure
telling them what to do.
673
00:57:02,414 --> 00:57:05,109
Oh, back to the father issues.
674
00:57:06,585 --> 00:57:08,619
You know a little bit about mine.
675
00:57:08,620 --> 00:57:11,622
- What about yours?
- Well, let's see.
676
00:57:11,623 --> 00:57:14,492
My father's a sergeant.
His father was a sergeant.
677
00:57:14,493 --> 00:57:16,794
He always wanted a son
who was an officer.
678
00:57:16,795 --> 00:57:18,963
Guess I'm just trying to get it half right.
679
00:57:18,964 --> 00:57:23,195
Yeah, but the real question is,
is this what makes you happy?
680
00:57:23,835 --> 00:57:26,370
Family makes me happy. Tradition.
681
00:57:26,371 --> 00:57:29,974
Tradition is something that keeps
greeting-card companies in business.
682
00:57:29,975 --> 00:57:34,078
I think at some point you gotta say,
"I'm gonna do what I wanna do, Dad.
683
00:57:34,079 --> 00:57:36,647
"So quit busting my balls".
684
00:57:36,648 --> 00:57:40,051
Yeah, I'll be sure to mention that when
I have dinner with him this weekend.
685
00:57:40,052 --> 00:57:43,248
You might wanna leave out
the balls part.
686
00:57:43,655 --> 00:57:46,020
We should have a toast.
687
00:57:51,630 --> 00:57:54,291
- To Coolidge.
- To you.
688
00:57:55,667 --> 00:57:57,361
To us.
689
00:58:06,745 --> 00:58:09,013
Shall I take you home?
690
00:58:09,014 --> 00:58:12,450
Actually, there's something
that I've heard about
691
00:58:12,451 --> 00:58:15,044
that I've been dying to see.
692
00:58:16,488 --> 00:58:18,979
My God, it's huge.
693
00:58:20,625 --> 00:58:23,685
Well, Farley and I both live here.
694
00:58:23,762 --> 00:58:25,296
Yu uses the hot tub.
695
00:58:25,297 --> 00:58:30,291
I think this is the bigger than some of
the military housing I grew up in.
696
00:58:30,802 --> 00:58:33,070
I think it's a lot like me.
697
00:58:33,071 --> 00:58:37,803
Simple yet elegant. Coarse but refined,
698
00:58:38,143 --> 00:58:41,703
and it could definitely use a woman's
699
00:58:42,647 --> 00:58:44,181
touch.
700
00:58:44,182 --> 00:58:46,912
I've always wanted to do that.
701
00:58:56,128 --> 00:58:58,926
The amputated leg strikes again.
702
00:58:59,731 --> 00:59:03,501
- Are your roommates around?
- I sent them to the movies.
703
00:59:03,502 --> 00:59:07,471
- So they'll be back soon.
- I sent them to all the movies.
704
00:59:07,472 --> 00:59:09,006
That's good.
705
00:59:09,007 --> 00:59:12,576
With Dirk, I always felt like someone
was gonna break down the door.
706
00:59:12,577 --> 00:59:14,442
Don't move!
707
00:59:15,113 --> 00:59:17,240
Search the place.
708
00:59:17,516 --> 00:59:19,683
Are you in some kind of trouble?
709
00:59:19,684 --> 00:59:24,355
Either that, or the library has seriously
changed its overdue-book policy.
710
00:59:24,356 --> 00:59:27,124
We got an anonymous tip
that there are some illegal narcotics
711
00:59:27,125 --> 00:59:29,991
being hidden in the plant thingy.
712
00:59:32,330 --> 00:59:35,731
There's nothing in the bag.
It's empty, sir.
713
00:59:36,635 --> 00:59:38,625
False alarm.
714
00:59:40,172 --> 00:59:42,902
You kids have a nice evening.
715
00:59:44,709 --> 00:59:47,837
Oh, and don't forget to wrap it up.
716
00:59:51,650 --> 00:59:53,947
What just happened?
717
00:59:56,655 --> 00:59:59,282
What wrong with Colossus?
718
00:59:59,991 --> 01:00:03,227
Damn, yo, that dog is mad blazed.
719
01:00:03,228 --> 01:00:06,026
He must've eaten a whole pound.
720
01:00:06,698 --> 01:00:11,897
Hey, don't be lookin' at me, man.
I keep my stuff right here.
721
01:00:13,705 --> 01:00:15,105
Hydroponic.
722
01:00:15,106 --> 01:00:17,541
You know,
messing with me is one thing,
723
01:00:17,542 --> 01:00:20,101
but nobody screws my pooch.
724
01:00:20,111 --> 01:00:21,946
It's Dirk. It's gotta be.
725
01:00:21,947 --> 01:00:25,049
He's trying to get even with me
for breaking up with him.
726
01:00:25,050 --> 01:00:27,117
You two broke up?
727
01:00:27,118 --> 01:00:28,986
Sorry to hear that.
728
01:00:28,987 --> 01:00:32,115
I just can't believe he'd go this far.
729
01:00:33,058 --> 01:00:35,092
I don't think he did.
730
01:00:35,093 --> 01:00:39,393
I think old Dirky boy's playing
Vanna to someone else's Sajak.
731
01:00:39,731 --> 01:00:42,893
And now it's our turn to spin the wheel.
732
01:00:43,235 --> 01:00:45,402
What do you mean, he wasn't arrested?
733
01:00:45,403 --> 01:00:47,171
We didn't find any drugs.
734
01:00:47,172 --> 01:00:50,507
Officer, can you tell me why,
at such a fine institute
735
01:00:50,508 --> 01:00:54,102
of higher learning,
I'm surrounded by idiots?
736
01:00:54,112 --> 01:00:57,414
- It's time for your massage, sir.
- Send them in.
737
01:00:57,415 --> 01:01:00,076
Get out. You're incompetent.
738
01:01:05,657 --> 01:01:08,489
One? I usually have two girls.
739
01:01:09,527 --> 01:01:12,257
Me no disappoint.
740
01:01:14,499 --> 01:01:16,694
Holy Schwarzkopf.
741
01:01:17,035 --> 01:01:18,797
Oh, yeah.
742
01:01:26,645 --> 01:01:28,460
Hairy, hairy chest. I like it!
743
01:01:28,461 --> 01:01:30,314
Hairy, hairy chest. I like it!
744
01:01:30,315 --> 01:01:33,045
Hello. Is this Mrs. Reardon?
745
01:01:36,588 --> 01:01:40,922
Big, strong Gl.
746
01:01:41,426 --> 01:01:44,428
You know, you Charlie ain't so bad.
747
01:01:44,429 --> 01:01:47,363
Shame we had to beat you in 'Nam.
748
01:01:50,835 --> 01:01:55,431
- You want happy ending?
- Does an Arab shit in the sand?
749
01:02:00,278 --> 01:02:05,181
- What's this?
- Not polite to watch, only to feel.
750
01:02:09,587 --> 01:02:12,817
Why your soldier not stand at attention?
751
01:02:12,991 --> 01:02:15,083
It will, it will.
752
01:02:23,368 --> 01:02:25,426
Very good.
753
01:02:32,911 --> 01:02:36,141
This is something you'll like very much!
754
01:02:36,247 --> 01:02:38,738
I cannot wait very much.
755
01:02:39,951 --> 01:02:41,418
Yeah.
756
01:02:41,619 --> 01:02:45,611
Your soldier stand at attention now.
757
01:02:45,824 --> 01:02:48,926
- You likey, likey?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
758
01:02:48,927 --> 01:02:53,488
- You ready for mouth massage?
- Bring it on.
759
01:02:54,232 --> 01:02:56,632
Here it come.
760
01:03:04,042 --> 01:03:06,533
Easy there, easy there.
761
01:03:07,045 --> 01:03:09,775
- Feel good?
- Watch it.
762
01:03:09,881 --> 01:03:11,281
Watch Huck and Buck, there.
763
01:03:11,282 --> 01:03:13,147
No touching.
764
01:03:15,387 --> 01:03:17,479
That feels good.
765
01:03:24,929 --> 01:03:27,226
That is so hot.
766
01:03:35,874 --> 01:03:37,636
Charles!
767
01:03:48,753 --> 01:03:50,720
So dirty.
768
01:03:50,822 --> 01:03:55,019
I promise I will never make you
do anything like that ever again.
769
01:03:56,361 --> 01:04:01,889
Given the events of this afternoon,
770
01:04:02,267 --> 01:04:04,835
there is only one thing
in the world that I want.
771
01:04:04,836 --> 01:04:07,704
- A rabies shot, sir?
- No, God damn it!
772
01:04:07,705 --> 01:04:09,239
I want Wilder.
773
01:04:09,240 --> 01:04:13,107
He's turned my wife against me,
my school against me,
774
01:04:14,979 --> 01:04:17,845
he even turned my dog against me.
775
01:04:18,450 --> 01:04:20,217
Wish we could just kick him out!
776
01:04:20,218 --> 01:04:23,220
There's gotta be some way
I could just force him to leave.
777
01:04:23,221 --> 01:04:27,624
Oh, I would love to see the look
on his dad's face
778
01:04:27,625 --> 01:04:29,460
when he finds out his son is expelled.
779
01:04:29,461 --> 01:04:32,229
I would love to see the look
on Kaitlin's dad's face
780
01:04:32,230 --> 01:04:34,832
when he realizes
that his daughter's new boyfriend
781
01:04:34,833 --> 01:04:36,467
isn't joining the Army.
782
01:04:36,468 --> 01:04:39,061
Will you shut the hell...
783
01:04:40,672 --> 01:04:43,231
- Whose dad?
- Kaitlin's.
784
01:04:46,511 --> 01:04:48,209
Lieutenant! I've got it.
785
01:04:48,780 --> 01:04:50,614
We are gonna finish Wilder.
786
01:04:50,615 --> 01:04:54,184
- And your former squeeze, too.
- Yes, sir!
787
01:04:54,185 --> 01:04:57,454
In order to do that,
I have a very important mission for you.
788
01:04:57,455 --> 01:05:00,355
I need you to find me some skanks.
789
01:05:01,159 --> 01:05:04,328
Well, I'm sorry Kaitlin,
but it's your turn for guard duty.
790
01:05:04,329 --> 01:05:06,820
No more special treatment.
791
01:05:09,534 --> 01:05:12,832
Nothing personal, Corporal.
Just be there.
792
01:05:13,671 --> 01:05:17,698
It's set. You think you can get
your friends to go along?
793
01:05:18,309 --> 01:05:21,145
They'll do whatever I tell them to do.
794
01:05:21,146 --> 01:05:22,874
Awesome.
795
01:05:23,181 --> 01:05:28,414
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God. Oh, Satan!
796
01:05:33,424 --> 01:05:36,552
What? What are you doing? Don't stop!
797
01:05:37,929 --> 01:05:39,828
Out of ammo.
798
01:05:41,432 --> 01:05:42,956
Hand me your gun!
799
01:05:49,941 --> 01:05:51,874
Ten-hut!
800
01:05:53,645 --> 01:05:55,806
I taught him that.
801
01:06:02,020 --> 01:06:04,010
What's wrong?
802
01:06:04,856 --> 01:06:06,618
It's Dirk.
803
01:06:06,958 --> 01:06:09,059
He knew I was going to dinner tonight
with my father,
804
01:06:09,060 --> 01:06:12,654
and he deliberately
scheduled me for guard duty.
805
01:06:12,797 --> 01:06:14,662
So don't go.
806
01:06:15,033 --> 01:06:18,135
Van, guard duty isn't something
you can just shrug off.
807
01:06:18,136 --> 01:06:22,005
If you miss it, or screw up,
it can ruin your career. It's serious.
808
01:06:22,006 --> 01:06:25,669
Which is exactly how the boys
and I will treat it.
809
01:06:25,877 --> 01:06:29,413
- You're gonna do it?
- Hey, I know it's not toilets,
810
01:06:29,414 --> 01:06:32,007
but I think I can handle it.
811
01:06:33,885 --> 01:06:36,376
What, don't you trust me?
812
01:06:36,621 --> 01:06:38,486
I trust you.
813
01:06:57,609 --> 01:07:01,078
But we have dates tonight! Hot ones!
814
01:07:01,079 --> 01:07:02,379
Irving, trust me.
815
01:07:02,380 --> 01:07:05,916
That sucking action is not realistic,
no matter what it says on the box.
816
01:07:05,917 --> 01:07:10,353
I mean real dates this time, Van!
Hot ones.
817
01:07:10,421 --> 01:07:12,912
- Human females?
- Hot ones.
818
01:07:13,958 --> 01:07:15,892
Tell you what. They can come along.
819
01:07:15,893 --> 01:07:21,353
Yes! Up, up, down, down, left,
right, left, right, B, A, start!
820
01:07:21,833 --> 01:07:24,268
Now, what exactly are we guarding?
821
01:07:24,269 --> 01:07:27,404
You will not get inside
Colonel Reardon's Humvee.
822
01:07:27,405 --> 01:07:32,535
You do not touch the Humvee.
You do not look at the Humvee.
823
01:07:32,543 --> 01:07:34,011
Then how are we supposed
to guard them?
824
01:07:34,012 --> 01:07:36,742
You do not look at the Humvee!
825
01:07:38,616 --> 01:07:40,140
Now,
826
01:07:41,519 --> 01:07:45,819
this guard duty better come out
smooth as a bran muffin shit,
827
01:07:46,357 --> 01:07:49,951
or somebody's gonna have their ass
handed to 'em.
828
01:07:50,561 --> 01:07:52,329
Any questions?
829
01:07:52,330 --> 01:07:55,628
Will you be the one
doing the ass handling?
830
01:07:58,436 --> 01:08:02,167
Don't worry, Wilder. Yours is coming.
831
01:08:06,944 --> 01:08:10,072
I am really starting to like that guy.
832
01:08:17,355 --> 01:08:22,125
- So, how's college?
- It's great.
833
01:08:22,126 --> 01:08:25,729
I'm taking a lot of interesting courses.
Military history, psychology...
834
01:08:25,730 --> 01:08:28,231
You know, Dirk called me the other day.
835
01:08:28,232 --> 01:08:31,030
Said you had broken up with him.
836
01:08:31,169 --> 01:08:33,500
Yeah, well,
837
01:08:34,238 --> 01:08:36,535
I met somebody else.
838
01:08:37,442 --> 01:08:39,076
He a military man?
839
01:08:39,077 --> 01:08:42,910
He respects the military.
840
01:08:45,383 --> 01:08:47,077
Ladies.
841
01:08:47,485 --> 01:08:51,284
Irving! You invited the "dick" girls?
842
01:08:51,556 --> 01:08:53,623
This is a bad idea.
843
01:08:53,624 --> 01:08:56,217
Van, don't be such a dork.
844
01:08:57,929 --> 01:08:59,987
Howdy, heathen.
845
01:09:03,634 --> 01:09:05,469
Well, honey, with school and Dirk,
846
01:09:05,470 --> 01:09:07,838
and everything that's been
going on around here,
847
01:09:07,839 --> 01:09:10,340
I just wanna know one thing. Are you...
848
01:09:10,341 --> 01:09:13,332
- Yes, Dad. I'm happy.
- That's great.
849
01:09:13,478 --> 01:09:17,436
But are you still on track
for officer training school?
850
01:09:22,153 --> 01:09:23,620
Listen, guys.
851
01:09:23,621 --> 01:09:26,723
Maybe we should slow down
just a little bit.
852
01:09:26,724 --> 01:09:30,160
I am Mars, god of war!
853
01:09:30,161 --> 01:09:34,290
Who amongst you shall engage
in body shots?
854
01:09:36,968 --> 01:09:40,699
Hey, soldier! Wanna fuck?
855
01:09:43,841 --> 01:09:45,575
No. Thank you.
856
01:09:45,576 --> 01:09:47,509
I do anal.
857
01:09:50,448 --> 01:09:53,717
Corporal Hayes.
As you were, as you were.
858
01:09:53,718 --> 01:09:56,086
I was on the other side
of the restaurant. I didn't see you.
859
01:09:56,087 --> 01:09:58,221
It's a pleasure to meet you, sir.
860
01:09:58,222 --> 01:10:00,323
The pleasure's all mine, Sergeant.
I didn't realize Miss Hayes
861
01:10:00,324 --> 01:10:02,792
came from such good stock.
862
01:10:02,927 --> 01:10:06,897
Well, hopefully she will climb
a bit higher up the ladder than I did, sir.
863
01:10:06,898 --> 01:10:10,333
I have no doubt, Sergeant.
Kaitlin is officer material all the way.
864
01:10:10,334 --> 01:10:12,169
Her record is flawless.
865
01:10:12,170 --> 01:10:14,304
Say, you're about done here.
I was just heading back to the base.
866
01:10:14,305 --> 01:10:17,974
Would you like a tour? You could see
your daughter's unit in action.
867
01:10:17,975 --> 01:10:19,643
I don't think that's such a good idea.
868
01:10:19,644 --> 01:10:22,271
- I'd love to, sir.
- Dad!
869
01:10:22,413 --> 01:10:24,815
I'm really proud of you. Love to see it.
870
01:10:24,816 --> 01:10:26,516
Come on. Show off for your old man.
Let's go.
871
01:10:26,517 --> 01:10:27,984
- Please?
- Okay.
872
01:10:27,985 --> 01:10:31,283
- You're gonna enjoy this.
- Thank you, sir.
873
01:10:33,157 --> 01:10:35,826
Oh, you know what? I forgot my purse,
so I'll meet you outside, okay?
874
01:10:35,827 --> 01:10:37,919
- All right.
- Okay.
875
01:10:39,363 --> 01:10:41,264
You know what I wanna do to you?
876
01:10:41,265 --> 01:10:43,800
Leave me alone permanently?
877
01:10:43,801 --> 01:10:47,137
Hey, watch that! Hey, stop... Hey!
878
01:10:47,138 --> 01:10:49,003
No means no.
879
01:10:59,217 --> 01:11:01,810
Come on, Van. Pick up.
880
01:11:04,689 --> 01:11:06,554
Miss Hayes.
881
01:11:06,757 --> 01:11:08,554
Shall we?
882
01:11:24,175 --> 01:11:27,940
You're about to be very proud
about what you'll see.
883
01:11:33,150 --> 01:11:35,982
What in God's name...
884
01:11:37,722 --> 01:11:41,350
Kaitlin, this is your unit?
885
01:11:41,959 --> 01:11:44,290
For the last time, no!
886
01:11:44,362 --> 01:11:46,022
Van?
887
01:11:48,833 --> 01:11:51,528
You must be Kaitlin's father.
888
01:11:52,236 --> 01:11:56,106
Corporal Hayes, I thought you were
a better leader than this.
889
01:11:56,107 --> 01:11:58,808
I thought you were officer material.
890
01:11:58,809 --> 01:12:01,144
Do you understand
what the consequences of this will be?
891
01:12:01,145 --> 01:12:03,313
- Colonel Reardon, I...
- She will accept
892
01:12:03,314 --> 01:12:06,647
any punishment you deem fit, sir.
893
01:12:06,817 --> 01:12:09,046
Wait. I can explain.
894
01:12:09,153 --> 01:12:11,587
Kaitlin, let me explain.
895
01:12:13,024 --> 01:12:16,084
- That a boy, Dirk.
- My pleasure, sir.
896
01:12:16,127 --> 01:12:18,322
Let's go, Kaitlin.
897
01:12:19,163 --> 01:12:20,687
Now.
898
01:12:20,798 --> 01:12:22,959
You're disgusting.
899
01:12:25,469 --> 01:12:27,197
Call me.
900
01:12:31,275 --> 01:12:34,744
You realize it's my duty
to make a report of this.
901
01:12:34,745 --> 01:12:38,582
Gonna put a pretty big stain
on her pretty little record.
902
01:12:38,583 --> 01:12:41,785
But it's about time you learn there are
some people you don't fuck with.
903
01:12:41,786 --> 01:12:43,687
What do you want from me?
904
01:12:43,688 --> 01:12:47,190
Isn't it obvious?
I want you gone, out, quit.
905
01:12:47,191 --> 01:12:50,160
Running home to Daddy
with your tail between your legs.
906
01:12:50,161 --> 01:12:51,895
What if I say no?
907
01:12:51,896 --> 01:12:54,431
Well, then I guess Miss Hayes'
military career will be coming
908
01:12:54,432 --> 01:12:57,526
to a rather premature and ignoble end.
909
01:12:58,536 --> 01:12:59,970
Tell you what.
910
01:12:59,971 --> 01:13:01,805
Having some people over
for dinner tomorrow night
911
01:13:01,806 --> 01:13:03,707
to discuss our annual war games.
912
01:13:03,708 --> 01:13:06,009
Why don't you give me
your decision then?
913
01:13:06,010 --> 01:13:08,102
Good seeing you.
914
01:14:51,582 --> 01:14:53,879
A Wilder never quits.
915
01:14:54,452 --> 01:14:57,253
So I said, "I've got some
affirmative action for you.
916
01:14:57,254 --> 01:14:59,289
"I can affirm that your dumbass kid
won't be getting
917
01:14:59,290 --> 01:15:01,815
"any action at my school".
918
01:15:03,394 --> 01:15:04,883
Yo!
919
01:15:04,895 --> 01:15:06,862
Cap'n Crunch!
920
01:15:08,299 --> 01:15:10,233
I've made my decision.
921
01:15:10,234 --> 01:15:13,269
I've decided we should settle this,
once and for all.
922
01:15:13,270 --> 01:15:16,940
Like men. No more sneaking,
no more backstabbing.
923
01:15:16,941 --> 01:15:20,433
Let's just get it all right out in the open.
924
01:15:21,078 --> 01:15:22,846
I'm sorry, I don't know
what you're talking about.
925
01:15:22,847 --> 01:15:25,715
You've got a problem with my father,
926
01:15:25,716 --> 01:15:29,285
a problem with my name,
and that's too bad.
927
01:15:29,286 --> 01:15:32,822
But I'll be damned
if I'm gonna sit around and let you
928
01:15:32,823 --> 01:15:36,793
and your little peons
flush this school down the toilet
929
01:15:36,794 --> 01:15:38,394
and hurt the people I care about,
930
01:15:38,395 --> 01:15:40,997
because, even though you dragged her
into this,
931
01:15:40,998 --> 01:15:44,200
this has never really been
about Kaitlin, who,
932
01:15:44,201 --> 01:15:48,933
on her worst day, will be a better officer
than you ever were.
933
01:15:49,874 --> 01:15:54,777
That girl's got bigger balls than you, me,
and my freakish dog combined.
934
01:15:55,212 --> 01:16:00,116
I have had enough
of these little games, Wilder.
935
01:16:00,117 --> 01:16:01,811
Get out.
936
01:16:02,086 --> 01:16:03,848
Games?
937
01:16:04,488 --> 01:16:06,222
You wanna play games?
938
01:16:06,223 --> 01:16:09,920
How about
one of your precious little war games?
939
01:16:10,628 --> 01:16:13,930
Loser leaves Coolidge. For good.
940
01:16:13,931 --> 01:16:16,592
What do you think about that?
941
01:16:16,834 --> 01:16:20,804
I think you're in
for an old-fashioned ass-kicking, son.
942
01:16:20,805 --> 01:16:24,035
If I was your son, I'd kick my own ass.
943
01:16:30,281 --> 01:16:32,078
I'm sorry.
944
01:16:36,921 --> 01:16:40,015
You're finished, Wilder. Finished.
945
01:16:41,492 --> 01:16:44,727
Miss Hayes,
in light of Mr. Wilder's behavior
946
01:16:44,728 --> 01:16:47,997
I am going to remove
last night's incident from your record,
947
01:16:47,998 --> 01:16:51,734
and I am giving you
my official recommendation
948
01:16:51,735 --> 01:16:53,870
for officer training school.
949
01:16:53,871 --> 01:16:55,861
Thank you, sir.
950
01:16:56,040 --> 01:16:58,608
But I'm afraid I'll have to decline.
951
01:16:58,609 --> 01:17:00,877
The officer training school
only accepts those who have
952
01:17:00,878 --> 01:17:03,079
received the most honorable training.
953
01:17:03,080 --> 01:17:07,175
Your name on my recommendation
would render me ineligible.
954
01:17:08,452 --> 01:17:11,580
In other words, sir, go fuck yourself!
955
01:17:19,830 --> 01:17:21,661
Kaitlin!
956
01:17:24,401 --> 01:17:26,129
Kaitlin.
957
01:17:26,704 --> 01:17:29,468
I blew it, Dad. I'm so sorry.
958
01:17:33,210 --> 01:17:35,278
- He's right.
- What?
959
01:17:35,279 --> 01:17:38,514
Kaitlin, I wanted you to be a soldier.
960
01:17:38,515 --> 01:17:40,312
I still do.
961
01:17:40,718 --> 01:17:43,086
But if getting there means having
to march in a line that's crooked,
962
01:17:43,087 --> 01:17:45,646
then it ain't worth a damn.
963
01:17:46,523 --> 01:17:50,459
You don't join the Army to follow.
You join it to lead.
964
01:17:50,594 --> 01:17:54,154
And the only way to lead
is to do what's right.
965
01:17:56,800 --> 01:17:58,858
That's my girl.
966
01:18:01,438 --> 01:18:03,373
None of this is gonna work.
967
01:18:03,374 --> 01:18:06,442
We need a man who actually knows
what the hell he's doing.
968
01:18:06,443 --> 01:18:08,570
How about a woman?
969
01:18:15,786 --> 01:18:19,653
Kaitlin, I swear to God,
I never touched her.
970
01:18:20,291 --> 01:18:23,089
Okay? It was man rape.
971
01:18:23,627 --> 01:18:26,857
Save it. I only wanna know one thing.
972
01:18:28,332 --> 01:18:31,767
Are you ready to enter an alliance,
neighbor?
973
01:18:37,408 --> 01:18:39,637
It seems he is.
974
01:18:39,777 --> 01:18:42,507
Okay, enough of the soft stuff.
975
01:18:43,280 --> 01:18:45,348
Reardon's got us outnumbered
five to one,
976
01:18:45,349 --> 01:18:48,284
so there's no way
we can take him head on.
977
01:18:48,285 --> 01:18:50,219
We're gonna fight him
on our own terms.
978
01:18:50,220 --> 01:18:51,888
What do we do?
979
01:18:51,889 --> 01:18:56,018
We do the only thing you guys
know how to do. We have fun.
980
01:18:59,663 --> 01:19:03,599
Anyone who loses an armband
will be considered captured.
981
01:19:03,600 --> 01:19:06,302
Whoever captures
the other team's general wins.
982
01:19:06,303 --> 01:19:09,105
Reardon's Raiders, who's your general?
983
01:19:09,106 --> 01:19:11,541
Charles Stonewall Reardon, sir!
984
01:19:11,542 --> 01:19:14,410
Your team will wear the yellow bands.
985
01:19:14,411 --> 01:19:17,345
Team Maverick, who's your general?
986
01:19:19,283 --> 01:19:21,375
That would be me.
987
01:19:22,953 --> 01:19:26,251
How's it hanging, Chuck? You miss me?
988
01:19:28,258 --> 01:19:29,884
Hey.
989
01:19:30,894 --> 01:19:33,954
Your team will wear the orange bands.
990
01:19:34,331 --> 01:19:37,493
The game begins
when you hear the siren.
991
01:19:38,435 --> 01:19:40,903
I hope you're prepared, gentlemen.
992
01:19:40,904 --> 01:19:43,463
Someone's going home today.
993
01:19:46,610 --> 01:19:50,346
All right, let's listen up.
First squad, take the left flank,
994
01:19:50,347 --> 01:19:54,715
past the lake. Second squad, right flank.
995
01:19:54,952 --> 01:19:57,477
Third squad, head on.
996
01:19:57,988 --> 01:20:00,251
And our recon team,
997
01:20:00,391 --> 01:20:03,726
well, let's just say
they have a head start.
998
01:20:03,727 --> 01:20:05,261
Lieutenant Arnold will stay with me.
999
01:20:05,262 --> 01:20:07,663
Corporal Benedict,
you'll guard the Humvee.
1000
01:20:07,664 --> 01:20:09,232
All right, men, there's the siren.
1001
01:20:09,233 --> 01:20:11,000
Now, let's get these bastards!
1002
01:20:11,001 --> 01:20:13,128
- Raiders!
- Raiders!
1003
01:20:14,438 --> 01:20:16,739
Colonel, we got recon
on the radio for you.
1004
01:20:16,740 --> 01:20:19,208
Recon, report. Can you see their base?
1005
01:20:19,209 --> 01:20:21,411
- I have a visual, sir.
- What's going on?
1006
01:20:21,412 --> 01:20:23,880
- Shots, sir.
- Jesus Christ, they're firing at us?
1007
01:20:23,881 --> 01:20:26,215
No, sir. Jell-O shots.
1008
01:20:26,216 --> 01:20:28,584
I repeat, Jell-O shots.
They've got the blast!
1009
01:20:28,585 --> 01:20:31,087
- They've got explosives?
- No, sir.
1010
01:20:31,088 --> 01:20:35,490
The Jell-O shots with a blueberry blast.
It's my favorite, sir.
1011
01:20:35,692 --> 01:20:36,759
What the hell's he talking about?
1012
01:20:36,760 --> 01:20:37,894
Sounds like they're having a goddamn...
1013
01:20:37,895 --> 01:20:41,387
Party!
1014
01:20:50,874 --> 01:20:54,002
So, where did all this sand come from?
1015
01:20:54,111 --> 01:20:56,909
Thank Sheik Mohammad.
1016
01:20:57,915 --> 01:20:59,439
Who?
1017
01:21:03,687 --> 01:21:05,588
- How we doing?
- We're up.
1018
01:21:05,589 --> 01:21:08,023
Give Reardon the feed.
1019
01:21:10,060 --> 01:21:11,861
Recon report.
1020
01:21:11,862 --> 01:21:14,363
Sir. Something's happening
with the monitor.
1021
01:21:14,364 --> 01:21:16,032
Testing, testing, check, check, hello.
1022
01:21:16,033 --> 01:21:19,696
I'm sorry, they can't come
to the phone right now.
1023
01:21:19,703 --> 01:21:21,037
Would you like to leave a message?
1024
01:21:21,038 --> 01:21:23,673
How the hell did you eliminate my men?
1025
01:21:23,674 --> 01:21:27,701
Chuck, "eliminate" is such an ugly word.
1026
01:21:28,112 --> 01:21:30,546
Van Wilder rules!
1027
01:21:36,386 --> 01:21:38,588
You tell first squad to move in.
1028
01:21:38,589 --> 01:21:41,557
And have Benedict on standby
with my Humvee.
1029
01:21:41,558 --> 01:21:43,753
Corporal Benedict!
1030
01:21:45,963 --> 01:21:47,296
Yes, sir!
1031
01:21:47,297 --> 01:21:49,065
Stand by for deployment.
1032
01:21:49,066 --> 01:21:50,299
Yes, sir.
1033
01:21:50,300 --> 01:21:52,568
You heard him!
Stand by for deployment!
1034
01:21:52,569 --> 01:21:54,297
That way!
1035
01:22:06,183 --> 01:22:08,082
Hey, guys!
1036
01:22:10,754 --> 01:22:13,119
Come skinny-dipping!
1037
01:22:18,762 --> 01:22:20,559
What the hell?
1038
01:22:22,166 --> 01:22:25,032
I seen this in a porno once.
1039
01:22:25,402 --> 01:22:27,770
- Have you seen this before?
- Don't be scared.
1040
01:22:27,771 --> 01:22:29,738
Jump in, baby.
1041
01:22:36,046 --> 01:22:37,911
Wait for me!
1042
01:22:54,831 --> 01:22:57,891
First squad, report! Report, damn it!
1043
01:22:59,036 --> 01:23:02,505
Sorry about your troops, Chuck,
but they decided to make love,
1044
01:23:02,506 --> 01:23:04,200
not war.
1045
01:23:07,911 --> 01:23:09,901
Son of a bitch.
1046
01:23:11,048 --> 01:23:12,879
Gotta conga.
1047
01:23:25,629 --> 01:23:27,289
Hello!
1048
01:23:27,331 --> 01:23:31,968
- Sir, we found their general.
- I hooked myself into a sand trap.
1049
01:23:31,969 --> 01:23:35,605
Well, don't just stand there,
capture him, you jackass!
1050
01:23:35,606 --> 01:23:37,334
Grab him!
1051
01:23:41,345 --> 01:23:44,040
Give me the armband, General.
1052
01:23:44,481 --> 01:23:47,176
I told you it was a sand trap.
1053
01:23:50,454 --> 01:23:52,114
Ladies.
1054
01:23:58,895 --> 01:24:00,885
I still got it.
1055
01:24:01,098 --> 01:24:03,657
Well, did they get him?
1056
01:24:03,767 --> 01:24:05,632
Not exactly.
1057
01:24:11,441 --> 01:24:13,709
- Permission to get angry, sir.
- Denied.
1058
01:24:13,710 --> 01:24:15,507
Denied!
1059
01:24:27,924 --> 01:24:30,483
Wet your whistle?
1060
01:24:32,262 --> 01:24:35,564
Where the hell is third squad?
They should've been there by now.
1061
01:24:35,565 --> 01:24:40,468
Hey, Chuck! I just wanna let you know,
third squad took a little detour.
1062
01:24:46,143 --> 01:24:48,611
God damn you, Wilder!
1063
01:24:50,380 --> 01:24:51,781
Well, what are you doing
just standing there?
1064
01:24:51,782 --> 01:24:54,684
Why don't you pussies get out there
and get me Van Wilder?
1065
01:24:54,685 --> 01:24:57,312
- Go!
- Get out there! Move! Move!
1066
01:25:04,461 --> 01:25:06,796
I can't feel my hair anymore, man.
1067
01:25:06,797 --> 01:25:09,231
That means it's working.
1068
01:25:12,703 --> 01:25:15,671
I wouldn't go any farther if I were you.
1069
01:25:15,672 --> 01:25:18,470
Yeah, who's gonna stop us? You?
1070
01:25:23,580 --> 01:25:25,274
Exactly.
1071
01:25:40,564 --> 01:25:42,929
Is that all you've got?
1072
01:26:16,133 --> 01:26:18,501
- I'll go after them, sir.
- No!
1073
01:26:18,502 --> 01:26:20,436
Get me Corporal Benedict.
1074
01:26:20,437 --> 01:26:23,906
We'll take the Humvee
and run right over 'em.
1075
01:26:25,642 --> 01:26:27,643
You're a genius.
1076
01:26:27,644 --> 01:26:29,771
Corporal Benedict.
1077
01:26:30,614 --> 01:26:32,741
Corporal Benedict!
1078
01:26:33,483 --> 01:26:36,719
Dirk, have I ever told you
I love you, man?
1079
01:26:36,720 --> 01:26:39,588
We all love you. Yeah!
1080
01:26:39,589 --> 01:26:41,791
- What?
- It's so soft, sir.
1081
01:26:41,792 --> 01:26:44,726
Have you felt the helmets?
1082
01:26:45,662 --> 01:26:48,722
Rub your helmet with me, it's so soft.
1083
01:26:48,732 --> 01:26:51,291
You fucking fruitcake!
1084
01:26:54,104 --> 01:26:57,300
- What was that?
- Don't ask, don't tell.
1085
01:26:58,542 --> 01:27:02,978
Okay, Chuck. We got your boys.
Why don't you and little Dirky
1086
01:27:02,979 --> 01:27:04,346
surrender and join the party?
1087
01:27:04,347 --> 01:27:08,283
Never. Surrender? Surrender?
1088
01:27:08,685 --> 01:27:11,278
I'd rather see my uncle naked again.
1089
01:27:18,128 --> 01:27:19,595
It was an accident.
1090
01:27:19,596 --> 01:27:23,361
If you want me, Wilder,
you have to come and get me.
1091
01:27:24,367 --> 01:27:26,732
- Shall we?
- Let's.
1092
01:27:28,939 --> 01:27:33,034
Get out there and stop them! Now! Go!
1093
01:27:33,076 --> 01:27:35,510
He's a little pissant!
1094
01:27:37,047 --> 01:27:38,514
Let me go with you.
1095
01:27:38,515 --> 01:27:42,849
Sorry, Dad, but this is one fight
I need to finish on my own.
1096
01:27:46,022 --> 01:27:48,752
- Go get him.
- Let's do it.
1097
01:28:01,705 --> 01:28:03,194
There's the base!
1098
01:28:08,712 --> 01:28:10,474
Kaitlin.
1099
01:28:11,248 --> 01:28:13,449
I knew you'd come back for me.
1100
01:28:13,450 --> 01:28:16,352
What do you say? I go high, you go low?
1101
01:28:16,353 --> 01:28:20,448
No. This asshole's all mine. Go.
1102
01:28:20,790 --> 01:28:23,349
- You sure?
- Yep, I got it.
1103
01:28:28,999 --> 01:28:31,433
Come to papa, honeybear.
1104
01:28:35,639 --> 01:28:37,731
You got nothin'.
1105
01:28:41,344 --> 01:28:44,813
- I could do this all day.
- That'd be a first.
1106
01:28:44,814 --> 01:28:49,216
Your hair smells really nice.
What is that, Essence of Traitor?
1107
01:28:57,627 --> 01:28:59,890
- Not so fast.
- Chuck.
1108
01:29:00,363 --> 01:29:02,023
Get up.
1109
01:29:03,533 --> 01:29:05,295
Hot stuff.
1110
01:29:06,369 --> 01:29:08,393
You smell good.
1111
01:29:08,405 --> 01:29:11,635
Wish you fought this hard
in the bedroom.
1112
01:29:14,210 --> 01:29:18,013
See, this is why women will never
make it in the military.
1113
01:29:18,014 --> 01:29:20,914
You got nothing between your legs.
1114
01:29:22,052 --> 01:29:23,519
Shit!
1115
01:29:25,789 --> 01:29:29,281
Yeah? Well, that makes two of us,
honeybear.
1116
01:29:34,564 --> 01:29:36,231
Nice BB gun.
1117
01:29:36,232 --> 01:29:39,098
I got one just like it at home.
1118
01:29:40,604 --> 01:29:41,804
Maybe not.
1119
01:29:41,805 --> 01:29:44,540
Let me tell you what's wrong
with you Wilders.
1120
01:29:44,541 --> 01:29:48,711
You think you can change the world
just because people like you.
1121
01:29:48,712 --> 01:29:52,548
Well, here's a tip, son,
people are like cockroaches.
1122
01:29:52,549 --> 01:29:55,813
You crush a few, the rest will scatter.
1123
01:29:59,055 --> 01:30:00,521
- I'm sorry, what? I was texting.
- Funny.
1124
01:30:00,522 --> 01:30:02,419
- I'm sorry, what? I was texting.
- Funny.
1125
01:30:02,926 --> 01:30:05,257
But the last laugh is mine.
1126
01:30:10,834 --> 01:30:12,824
God damn dog!
1127
01:30:16,539 --> 01:30:20,065
Like I said, nobody screws my pooch.
1128
01:30:21,544 --> 01:30:23,102
Sit!
1129
01:30:23,780 --> 01:30:25,542
Good boy.
1130
01:30:33,089 --> 01:30:35,216
Orange team wins!
1131
01:30:39,562 --> 01:30:42,131
Wilder, this isn't over.
1132
01:30:42,132 --> 01:30:44,767
And if you think I'm quitting,
you are screwed in the head.
1133
01:30:44,768 --> 01:30:49,505
Hey! Listen up! I am doubling security!
1134
01:30:49,506 --> 01:30:51,306
And I am rewriting the rule book!
1135
01:30:51,307 --> 01:30:55,140
I'm gonna make the old Coolidge
look like Candy Land!
1136
01:30:55,645 --> 01:30:57,946
And you can't stop me.
1137
01:30:57,947 --> 01:31:00,415
No. But he can.
1138
01:31:03,153 --> 01:31:05,287
Thomas, what the hell are you doing?
You can't side with him.
1139
01:31:05,288 --> 01:31:08,424
- He's not one of us.
- You made your bed, soldier.
1140
01:31:08,425 --> 01:31:11,985
Now you're gonna have
to sleep in it. Officer!
1141
01:31:12,262 --> 01:31:14,363
- Get him out of here.
- Hey, I'm not going anywhere.
1142
01:31:14,364 --> 01:31:16,231
Remember who stamps your paycheck.
1143
01:31:16,232 --> 01:31:19,168
- Are you resisting arrest?
- You're damned right I am!
1144
01:31:19,169 --> 01:31:20,966
Thank you.
1145
01:31:23,640 --> 01:31:26,938
This is for putting up with your bullshit.
1146
01:31:27,143 --> 01:31:28,905
And this
1147
01:31:30,213 --> 01:31:33,147
is for denying my kid's admission.
1148
01:31:33,249 --> 01:31:36,411
How affirmative is that action, bitch?
1149
01:31:43,793 --> 01:31:48,797
Corporal, those were about some of the
most outrageous tactics I've ever seen.
1150
01:31:48,798 --> 01:31:50,999
I'll be sure to note that
in my recommendation
1151
01:31:51,000 --> 01:31:53,593
for officer training school.
1152
01:31:58,575 --> 01:32:00,809
Now, if you'll excuse me,
1153
01:32:00,810 --> 01:32:03,904
I believe I'll engage in a body shot.
1154
01:32:08,651 --> 01:32:10,786
I'm proud of you, Son.
1155
01:32:10,787 --> 01:32:12,387
- Hey.
- Hey.
1156
01:32:12,388 --> 01:32:16,824
Van, I'd like you to meet
Stephen Walker, my head of security.
1157
01:32:18,762 --> 01:32:23,392
Mr. Wilder, I'm hereby tendering
my resignation for this assignment.
1158
01:32:23,466 --> 01:32:24,566
Very good.
1159
01:32:24,567 --> 01:32:27,302
It's been the utmost pleasure
working with you, sir.
1160
01:32:27,303 --> 01:32:30,172
- Yeah.
- Great work, Steve.
1161
01:32:30,173 --> 01:32:33,801
I'll see you back
at the office, all right? Good.
1162
01:32:33,910 --> 01:32:38,176
- Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
- Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
1163
01:32:39,315 --> 01:32:41,214
Yeah!
1164
01:32:41,317 --> 01:32:44,219
- So, what do you think?
- About what?
1165
01:32:44,220 --> 01:32:48,423
Oh, I think you've proven yourself here.
Wanna come to work with me?
1166
01:32:48,424 --> 01:32:51,593
Actually, I've been giving it
a lot of thought,
1167
01:32:51,594 --> 01:32:53,796
and I've decided to stay in school.
1168
01:32:53,797 --> 01:32:56,698
A smart man once told me that tradition
1169
01:32:56,699 --> 01:32:59,599
is something you just don't break.
1170
01:33:01,271 --> 01:33:03,329
Write that down.
1171
01:33:03,606 --> 01:33:05,368
Let's go.
1172
01:33:13,316 --> 01:33:17,445
- So, you wanna get out of here?
- And miss the party?
1173
01:33:18,254 --> 01:33:19,982
Trust me.
1174
01:33:20,957 --> 01:33:23,084
There'll be more.
1175
01:33:28,898 --> 01:33:32,026
Wait, where's that batti boy, Dirk?
1176
01:33:34,170 --> 01:33:38,540
Sir, I don't mean to alarm you,
but something's about to come up.
1177
01:33:38,541 --> 01:33:40,843
What do you mean, something's about...
1178
01:33:40,844 --> 01:33:42,778
- Stand down, Corporal!
- I can't.
1179
01:33:42,779 --> 01:33:44,507
Stand...
1180
01:33:56,826 --> 01:33:59,561
Remember when I said the best things
in life are worth waiting for?
1181
01:33:59,562 --> 01:34:02,731
- Yeah.
- I think I've waited long enough.
1182
01:34:02,732 --> 01:34:04,324
Van!
1183
01:34:05,935 --> 01:34:09,404
Van, what are you doing? Put that away.
1184
01:34:10,440 --> 01:34:13,101
You're insane. Not here.
1185
01:34:38,434 --> 01:34:40,502
Now, all this stuff
1186
01:34:40,503 --> 01:34:42,938
you've heard about Coolidge
not wanting to party
1187
01:34:42,939 --> 01:34:44,439
is a lot of doggy dung.
1188
01:34:44,440 --> 01:34:46,375
- Stand down.
- I can't.
1189
01:34:46,376 --> 01:34:48,571
I'm flanking your ass.
1190
01:34:53,616 --> 01:34:55,050
Do you have any poison?
1191
01:34:55,051 --> 01:34:56,952
- You're tearing it.
- Oh, my God.
1192
01:34:56,953 --> 01:34:58,954
I'm gonna need stitches.
1193
01:34:58,955 --> 01:35:01,256
With some testosterone-pumping,
1194
01:35:01,257 --> 01:35:07,162
pituitary-fucking Neanderthal,
well, then, they are 100...
1195
01:35:07,163 --> 01:35:08,857
Fuck me.
1196
01:35:09,299 --> 01:35:11,596
Fuck, that scared me!
1197
01:35:12,168 --> 01:35:15,000
- Let's fuck!
- That's weird. Okay.
1198
01:35:15,305 --> 01:35:18,239
Take her shirt off, grab the boob.
1199
01:35:23,212 --> 01:35:24,770
Cut!
1200
01:35:26,783 --> 01:35:28,917
It's a challenge to...
1201
01:35:28,918 --> 01:35:32,182
Now, I'm not saying
this is gonna be easy.
1202
01:35:32,221 --> 01:35:36,525
Some of us may fall,
so that all of us may ball.
1203
01:35:36,526 --> 01:35:40,162
Oh, easy there, easy.
Those are big, old colonel balls, honey.
1204
01:35:40,163 --> 01:35:42,858
This a new experience for you?
1205
01:35:43,132 --> 01:35:47,068
Yeah. I usually use my old balls.
1206
01:35:47,303 --> 01:35:49,905
Big old, colonel,
big, round, colonel balls.
1207
01:35:49,906 --> 01:35:54,843
Hey, when I'm off camera,
I'm just gonna show 'em my old balls!
1208
01:35:54,844 --> 01:35:58,541
You gotta admit, though,
this is kind of romantic.
1209
01:35:59,549 --> 01:36:03,951
Hey, watch those teeth.
Or take 'em out before you do anything.
1210
01:36:04,120 --> 01:36:06,645
Who's my big, bad boy?
1211
01:36:08,591 --> 01:36:10,826
- I'm your big, bad boy.
- There you go.
1212
01:36:10,827 --> 01:36:14,663
Oh, God. I haven't been this
uncomfortable since Catholic school.
1213
01:36:14,664 --> 01:36:16,798
"Feel good, yeah?" Feels good.
1214
01:36:16,799 --> 01:36:19,324
That's how you'd say it,
but I say "feels good".
1215
01:36:22,372 --> 01:36:25,374
You know my spot, Lieutenant.
1216
01:36:25,375 --> 01:36:28,677
Holy shit! That thing pops!
1217
01:36:28,678 --> 01:36:30,712
College is a team.
1218
01:36:30,713 --> 01:36:35,513
It lives, eats, drinks, and if you're lucky,
humps, as a team.
1219
01:36:36,552 --> 01:36:39,721
I love the smell of gasoline
in the morning.
1220
01:36:39,722 --> 01:36:41,590
Yummy, yum, yeah.
1221
01:36:41,591 --> 01:36:43,191
You wanna go back to my house
and eat some yogurt
1222
01:36:43,192 --> 01:36:45,160
and watch Mean Girls?
1223
01:36:45,161 --> 01:36:47,195
Yeah, Mean Girls is all right,
but the guy in it sucks.
1224
01:36:47,196 --> 01:36:48,530
I think he's dreamy.
1225
01:36:48,531 --> 01:36:51,022
He scheduled me for guard duty.
1226
01:36:51,467 --> 01:36:52,968
What?
1227
01:36:52,969 --> 01:36:55,737
So, you wanna go back
to my house, grab a bottle of shiraz
1228
01:36:55,738 --> 01:37:00,008
- and maybe flip on The Hills?
- No. I hate those bitches.
1229
01:37:00,009 --> 01:37:03,478
He knew I was going to dinner
tonight with...
1230
01:37:04,347 --> 01:37:06,882
I think Brody Jenner's your competition
for Jaw Line of the Year.
1231
01:37:06,883 --> 01:37:09,284
I just... I'm gonna jerk off right here.
Pull it out,
1232
01:37:09,285 --> 01:37:11,119
and just jerk off right in front of you.
Is that okay?
1233
01:37:11,120 --> 01:37:14,612
You lick my dick 'cause you like taste.
1234
01:37:14,690 --> 01:37:16,024
Turn around, turn around.
1235
01:37:16,025 --> 01:37:18,293
You motherfucker, asshole dick-licker!
1236
01:37:18,294 --> 01:37:20,595
I've got 13 Going on 30.
1237
01:37:20,596 --> 01:37:22,097
I've seen it. I'll watch it again.
1238
01:37:22,098 --> 01:37:24,166
- Ruffalo's bomb.
- Yeah, he's awesome in that.
1239
01:37:24,167 --> 01:37:25,534
You asshole dick-licker!
1240
01:37:25,535 --> 01:37:29,232
Could be like this. You and me always.
1241
01:37:30,206 --> 01:37:32,307
What do you say, once we get loose,
we find a little pup tent
1242
01:37:32,308 --> 01:37:34,443
and fuck for a week?
1243
01:37:34,444 --> 01:37:36,912
Robert Levy's not paying me
enough to show my penis.
1244
01:37:36,913 --> 01:37:39,938
- Is that sweat?
- No, that's pre-cum.
1245
01:37:40,016 --> 01:37:43,485
You gotta eat dirt
before you drink champagne.
1246
01:37:43,486 --> 01:37:46,054
Sometimes you have got to stand up
as a man
1247
01:37:46,055 --> 01:37:47,889
before you can lie down with a woman.
1248
01:37:47,890 --> 01:37:50,449
You gotta get your guard on
before your hard-on.
1249
01:37:51,194 --> 01:37:54,288
Nothing? You know... Hold on a second.
1250
01:37:54,997 --> 01:37:56,364
Wait. Hold on.
1251
01:37:56,365 --> 01:37:58,366
What do you tell a woman
with two black eyes?
1252
01:37:58,367 --> 01:38:00,164
Nothing. You already told her twice.
1253
01:38:34,937 --> 01:38:37,029
Hand me your gun.
1254
01:38:39,275 --> 01:38:42,608
I can't quit you.