1
00:00:02,602 --> 00:00:04,336
So, gentlemen, you have evidence
2
00:00:04,371 --> 00:00:05,971
that the Newport land
should be preserved.
3
00:00:06,005 --> 00:00:07,506
Absolutely.
4
00:00:07,540 --> 00:00:09,708
You see, I'm a ninth level
Octopriest
5
00:00:09,742 --> 00:00:11,577
in the Church
of the Reasonableists.
6
00:00:11,611 --> 00:00:12,544
Oh, boy.
7
00:00:12,579 --> 00:00:15,314
The land is sacred
in our religion.
8
00:00:15,348 --> 00:00:18,350
Because it's the place where all
human souls will be transmuted
9
00:00:18,385 --> 00:00:20,285
when Zorpe the Lizard God
passes through
10
00:00:20,320 --> 00:00:22,154
Jupiter's sphincter.
11
00:00:22,188 --> 00:00:24,256
- Hail, Zorpe.
- Hail, Zorpe!
12
00:00:24,290 --> 00:00:26,825
I'm looking for anything
to strengthen my case
13
00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:28,961
that the Newport land should
become a park,
14
00:00:28,995 --> 00:00:30,429
and not a corpate campus.
15
00:00:30,463 --> 00:00:32,764
Religious reasons,
animal conservation,
16
00:00:32,799 --> 00:00:33,932
historical significance.
17
00:00:33,967 --> 00:00:34,967
Anything.
18
00:00:35,001 --> 00:00:37,236
So hold on to your straws,
everybody.
19
00:00:37,270 --> 00:00:39,638
'cause Mama's going graspin'.
20
00:00:39,672 --> 00:00:42,875
In 1980, there were more
than 600 million
21
00:00:42,909 --> 00:00:45,944
Indiana brown ants
in that forest.
22
00:00:45,979 --> 00:00:50,182
Today, there are only
595 million.
23
00:00:50,216 --> 00:00:54,186
At that rate, they'll all be
gone by the year 2030.
24
00:00:54,220 --> 00:00:57,322
- 60.
- 200 and 3,060?
25
00:00:57,357 --> 00:00:59,691
- 200,000 years from now?
- Yes.
26
00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:01,760
That doesn't seem like
an immediate crisis.
27
00:01:01,795 --> 00:01:03,762
I got a different idea
for that land.
28
00:01:03,797 --> 00:01:06,498
An amusement park
with rides and food
29
00:01:06,533 --> 00:01:08,367
and sexy cartoon characters.
30
00:01:08,401 --> 00:01:11,770
- I call it Disneyland.
- How did you get in here?
31
00:01:11,805 --> 00:01:13,672
Broke a window.
32
00:01:16,710 --> 00:01:22,714
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
33
00:01:34,888 --> 00:01:36,374
Oh, hey, guys.
Come on in.
34
00:01:36,608 --> 00:01:38,642
You guys, I am Roscoe.
35
00:01:38,677 --> 00:01:41,164
I am Vice President of
Cool New Shizz here at Gryzzl.
36
00:01:41,488 --> 00:01:43,726
Feel free in this meeting
to break out your vapes
37
00:01:43,854 --> 00:01:45,020
and just kick back.
38
00:01:45,055 --> 00:01:46,288
Now, peep this.
39
00:01:46,323 --> 00:01:48,224
Leslie Knope has been meeting
with people
40
00:01:48,258 --> 00:01:50,292
to try to sexy-up
her presentation.
41
00:01:50,327 --> 00:01:52,294
So we had this far-out
brain tornado.
42
00:01:52,329 --> 00:01:53,662
Good idea.
43
00:01:53,697 --> 00:01:56,665
We should get a brity to come
kick it with us small time,
44
00:01:56,700 --> 00:01:58,400
and then just be like,
"Hey, chumps.
45
00:01:58,435 --> 00:01:59,401
Let's get tight with Gryzz."
46
00:01:59,436 --> 00:02:00,836
We need a celebrity.
47
00:02:00,871 --> 00:02:02,872
As a minority owner,
it'll strengthen Gryzzl's bid.
48
00:02:02,906 --> 00:02:07,276
Is a celebrity necessary?
I prefer quality over flash.
49
00:02:07,310 --> 00:02:10,079
That's why I refuse to write
my signature in cursive.
50
00:02:10,113 --> 00:02:12,248
Celebrities can help
with this kind of thing.
51
00:02:12,282 --> 00:02:14,483
The Nets wouldn't be in Brooklyn
if it weren't for Jay-Z.
52
00:02:14,517 --> 00:02:16,852
And the sales for Chick-fil-A
went through the roof
53
00:02:16,887 --> 00:02:17,887
once Elton John bought 'em.
54
00:02:17,921 --> 00:02:18,921
Exactly.
55
00:02:18,955 --> 00:02:20,623
Gryzzl is an outsider here
in Pawnee,
56
00:02:20,657 --> 00:02:22,625
so a local celebrity
is gonna make everyone
57
00:02:22,659 --> 00:02:24,293
feel more at ease with us.
58
00:02:24,327 --> 00:02:26,529
And that's why we called on you
home court chillers
59
00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:27,863
to frack your braniums.
60
00:02:27,898 --> 00:02:30,466
Since we're locals, they want
us to think of ideas.
61
00:02:30,500 --> 00:02:32,701
- I got it in context.
- Okay.
62
00:02:32,736 --> 00:02:36,238
I have no interest
in consorting with celebrities.
63
00:02:36,273 --> 00:02:38,908
The only celebrities I recognize
are furniture maker
64
00:02:38,942 --> 00:02:41,610
Garry Knox Bennett,
designer of the notorious
65
00:02:41,645 --> 00:02:44,813
16 Penny Nail Cabinet,
and Magnus,
66
00:02:44,848 --> 00:02:48,350
the five-by-five bull elk I saw
near my cabin two years ago.
67
00:02:48,385 --> 00:02:51,520
Took a shot at the bastard
and he stuck his antlers
68
00:02:51,555 --> 00:02:53,422
through the door
of my meat shed.
69
00:02:53,457 --> 00:02:57,259
One day, Magnus.
I will wear you as a jacket.
70
00:02:57,294 --> 00:03:01,130
Have you thought about this.
You could be an airline pilot.
71
00:03:01,164 --> 00:03:04,500
- I don't like heights.
- What about a submarine pilot?
72
00:03:04,534 --> 00:03:06,769
- I don't like depths.
- Mm.
73
00:03:06,803 --> 00:03:08,237
I don't like anything, okay.
74
00:03:08,271 --> 00:03:09,505
You're not gonna be able
to find a career for me,
75
00:03:09,539 --> 00:03:10,472
so just give up.
76
00:03:10,507 --> 00:03:12,341
No way, babe.
We can do this.
77
00:03:12,375 --> 00:03:13,742
Let's play a game.
Okay?
78
00:03:13,777 --> 00:03:16,445
You say a word, I say a word.
We see if it makes a profession.
79
00:03:16,479 --> 00:03:18,848
- Executive.
- Trampoline.
80
00:03:18,882 --> 00:03:21,450
- Computer.
- Trampoline.
81
00:03:21,485 --> 00:03:23,686
- Trampoline.
- Pass.
82
00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:25,054
Hey, Leslie?
83
00:03:25,088 --> 00:03:28,190
I need both you and Ron to sign
this city point of sale document
84
00:03:28,225 --> 00:03:30,926
since the land you're gunning
for lies within city limits.
85
00:03:30,961 --> 00:03:32,928
Can we run over to Ron's office
and take care of this?
86
00:03:32,963 --> 00:03:35,231
Well, I love it when you talk
point of sale doc,
87
00:03:35,265 --> 00:03:37,266
'cause you know it turns me on,
but, no, no.
88
00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:40,035
There's no way that I will be in
the same room with Ron Swanson,
89
00:03:40,070 --> 00:03:42,972
unless it is during a police
lineup when I am pointing
90
00:03:43,006 --> 00:03:44,573
him out as the man
who betrayed me.
91
00:03:44,608 --> 00:03:46,509
That's him, officer.
Ronald Swanson.
92
00:03:46,543 --> 00:03:47,910
Thank you, Leslie.
93
00:03:47,944 --> 00:03:49,345
That's the fifth crime you've
solved this month.
94
00:03:49,379 --> 00:03:51,113
I'm not supposed to do this,
but let me give you a badge
95
00:03:51,148 --> 00:03:52,381
and a siren for your car.
96
00:03:52,415 --> 00:03:54,450
Could you please focus?
It'll take two minutes.
97
00:03:54,484 --> 00:03:57,019
And all signatures need to be
notarized, and I really don't
98
00:03:57,053 --> 00:04:00,056
want to have to schedule two
different notary appointments.
99
00:04:00,090 --> 00:04:03,993
Uh, not to eavesdrop,
but I have a crazy story.
100
00:04:04,027 --> 00:04:05,795
I recently had a bit
of a health scare,
101
00:04:05,829 --> 00:04:07,062
just a couple weeks
in the hospital.
102
00:04:07,097 --> 00:04:09,832
Oh, God.
This story's terrible so far.
103
00:04:09,866 --> 00:04:11,967
Anyway, I became really
motivated once I got out
104
00:04:12,002 --> 00:04:14,837
to finally live life
to the fullest.
105
00:04:14,871 --> 00:04:18,607
So...I fulfilled one of
my lifelong dreams.
106
00:04:18,642 --> 00:04:20,843
And I became a notary public.
107
00:04:20,877 --> 00:04:22,711
So if I go with you,
Ron and Leslie
108
00:04:22,746 --> 00:04:23,979
can sign the document
separately.
109
00:04:24,014 --> 00:04:25,915
Yeah, see?
Ben, it all works out.
110
00:04:25,949 --> 00:04:29,151
I'll sign the documents here
and then you can bring it to Ron
111
00:04:29,186 --> 00:04:31,020
and he can sign it there,
and then you can tell Ron
112
00:04:31,054 --> 00:04:32,288
to rot in hell.
113
00:04:32,322 --> 00:04:34,356
How long are you two gonna
go on like this?
114
00:04:34,391 --> 00:04:35,825
You're acting like a little kid.
115
00:04:35,859 --> 00:04:37,493
No, I'm not.
116
00:04:37,527 --> 00:04:39,728
And infinity plus one year.
117
00:04:39,763 --> 00:04:41,864
Andy?
Bring me the next person.
118
00:04:41,898 --> 00:04:45,968
Perd Hapley.
Crazy Ira and the Douche.
119
00:04:46,002 --> 00:04:47,536
Tom Haverford?
120
00:04:47,571 --> 00:04:49,004
That's nice, but I don't know
if you can really consider me
121
00:04:49,039 --> 00:04:50,172
a celebrity.
122
00:04:50,207 --> 00:04:51,607
Yeah, that's your handwriting.
123
00:04:51,641 --> 00:04:53,309
These are all great options,
but I think we need
124
00:04:53,343 --> 00:04:56,545
to go after Pawnee's
biggest fish--
125
00:04:56,580 --> 00:04:57,813
Annabel Porter from Bloosh.
126
00:04:57,848 --> 00:04:59,281
That horrifying
lifestyle newsletter
127
00:04:59,316 --> 00:05:02,451
filled with vegan recipes
and pointless tchotchkes?
128
00:05:02,486 --> 00:05:04,787
Forget it.
That woman is my nightmare.
129
00:05:04,821 --> 00:05:07,690
Um, she's a big deal, Ron.
130
00:05:07,724 --> 00:05:10,860
Bloosh just won the Pulitzer
Prize for Best Top Ten Listicle
131
00:05:10,894 --> 00:05:12,695
two years in a row.
132
00:05:12,729 --> 00:05:14,130
Hi, Leslie.
133
00:05:14,164 --> 00:05:16,899
Bill Haggerty from the Pawnee
Historical Society.
134
00:05:16,933 --> 00:05:19,101
Oh, yes, Bill.
I remember you.
135
00:05:19,136 --> 00:05:20,936
I heard you were looking
for information
136
00:05:20,971 --> 00:05:24,406
on the Newport land, and I have
some very exciting news for you.
137
00:05:24,441 --> 00:05:27,810
It concerns William Henry
Harrison.
138
00:05:27,844 --> 00:05:30,079
We claim William Henry
Harrison as a hero
139
00:05:30,113 --> 00:05:31,280
because he was
the first governor
140
00:05:31,314 --> 00:05:32,515
of the Indiana territories,
141
00:05:32,549 --> 00:05:34,717
and then President
of the United States.
142
00:05:34,751 --> 00:05:36,252
We're also a little ashamed
of him
143
00:05:36,286 --> 00:05:38,921
because he didn't wear a coat
at his inauguration,
144
00:05:38,955 --> 00:05:42,057
caught a bad cold
and died 32 days later.
145
00:05:42,092 --> 00:05:43,759
He's an embarrassing footnote.
146
00:05:43,793 --> 00:05:46,295
But he's our embarrassing
footnote.
147
00:05:46,329 --> 00:05:49,231
I've recently self-Published
a biography about Harrison
148
00:05:49,266 --> 00:05:52,201
entitled, Barely A President.
149
00:05:52,235 --> 00:05:55,704
William Henry Harrison's
32 Days In The White House."
150
00:05:55,739 --> 00:05:57,573
I discovered that Harrison had
151
00:05:57,607 --> 00:06:00,076
a heretofore
unknown hunting lodge
152
00:06:00,110 --> 00:06:02,778
on the very land you're trying
to acquire.
153
00:06:02,813 --> 00:06:06,015
Um, spoilers much?
Now I'll never read that book.
154
00:06:06,049 --> 00:06:08,484
If a U.S. President had
a house on that land,
155
00:06:08,518 --> 00:06:10,619
it could qualify for historic
landmark status,
156
00:06:10,654 --> 00:06:12,655
and we could really stick it
to Ron's team.
157
00:06:12,689 --> 00:06:13,889
Which would be icing
on the cake,
158
00:06:13,924 --> 00:06:15,491
not the reason
why we're doing this.
159
00:06:15,525 --> 00:06:17,393
Okay.
Show me this incredible lodge.
160
00:06:17,427 --> 00:06:18,627
Let's go.
161
00:06:18,662 --> 00:06:20,696
That book sounded so boring,
I cried a little.
162
00:06:20,731 --> 00:06:23,299
Oh, babe.
I'm sorry you had to hear that.
163
00:06:23,333 --> 00:06:24,633
You're safe now.
164
00:06:24,668 --> 00:06:25,768
Hey, Ron.
165
00:06:25,802 --> 00:06:27,203
Sorry to bother you,
but I need you to sign
166
00:06:27,237 --> 00:06:29,371
this point of sale document.
167
00:06:29,406 --> 00:06:31,807
And please sign it in cursive.
168
00:06:31,842 --> 00:06:33,409
It raises a lot of red flags
if you--
169
00:06:33,443 --> 00:06:36,045
- No.
- Okay.
170
00:06:36,079 --> 00:06:38,447
So...
what's Leslie up to?
171
00:06:38,482 --> 00:06:40,149
Well, I don't think I should
discuss that,
172
00:06:40,183 --> 00:06:41,817
given that you're in
competition.
173
00:06:41,852 --> 00:06:44,587
- Need to remain neutral.
- Fair enough.
174
00:06:44,621 --> 00:06:46,288
Terry, what's Leslie up to?
175
00:06:46,323 --> 00:06:48,691
She is trying to find
a historical to earmark
176
00:06:48,725 --> 00:06:49,692
the land for preservation.
177
00:06:49,726 --> 00:06:51,227
Terry, come on, man.
178
00:06:51,261 --> 00:06:54,063
Leslie, you little sneak.
179
00:06:54,097 --> 00:06:56,365
If Leslie's going for a hook,
we should too.
180
00:06:56,399 --> 00:07:00,002
Let's get Annabel Bloosh Person.
Yes!
181
00:07:00,037 --> 00:07:01,537
Glad to see you
finally come around
182
00:07:01,571 --> 00:07:02,805
after these two minutes
of insanity.
183
00:07:02,839 --> 00:07:05,007
Now will you please consider
investing
184
00:07:05,041 --> 00:07:07,309
in that toddler cologne
I've been bugging you about.
185
00:07:07,344 --> 00:07:08,477
Toddler cologne.
186
00:07:08,512 --> 00:07:10,880
Baby--tsst tsst--
you smell good.
187
00:07:13,049 --> 00:07:14,917
Here we are.
188
00:07:14,951 --> 00:07:18,287
Here we are, like, "Here's
the place where I buried the map
189
00:07:18,321 --> 00:07:20,289
that will show us the way
to William Henry Harrison's
190
00:07:20,323 --> 00:07:21,690
awesome hunting cabin?"
191
00:07:21,725 --> 00:07:25,161
- No, this is all that's left.
- This place is awesome.
192
00:07:25,195 --> 00:07:27,496
Hey, we should sell our dumb
house and buy this one.
193
00:07:27,531 --> 00:07:30,266
Okay, you know, I love William
Henry Harrison as much,
194
00:07:30,300 --> 00:07:34,069
if not slightly more than the
next guy, but this is garbage.
195
00:07:34,104 --> 00:07:36,739
I mean, literally, there's a bag
of old hamburgers over there.
196
00:07:36,773 --> 00:07:39,575
What?
Ohh.
197
00:07:39,609 --> 00:07:41,977
We're running out of time
and we need to beat Ron.
198
00:07:42,012 --> 00:07:45,915
So...we're gonna have to use
this old pile of bricks.
199
00:07:45,949 --> 00:07:48,984
I need to gather everything
I can on William Henry Harrison.
200
00:07:49,019 --> 00:07:51,987
Let's head to the Harrison
Museum over in Vincennes.
201
00:07:52,022 --> 00:07:53,656
I volunteer there part time.
202
00:07:53,690 --> 00:07:56,692
I just found an artifact!
Historical artifact.
203
00:07:56,727 --> 00:07:59,061
William Henry Harrison's wig.
204
00:07:59,095 --> 00:08:03,090
- Andy, put that down.
- Cool.
205
00:08:05,082 --> 00:08:06,282
You've got to be kidding me.
206
00:08:06,338 --> 00:08:08,466
No, I'm sorry, but there's
a page missing from the document
207
00:08:08,479 --> 00:08:10,881
so then the signatures
are invalid.
208
00:08:10,915 --> 00:08:12,849
Can't we just say it was there?
209
00:08:12,884 --> 00:08:15,085
You're asking a notary to lie.
210
00:08:15,119 --> 00:08:16,653
I signed an oath, Ben.
211
00:08:16,688 --> 00:08:19,956
And then a different notary
notarized the oath I signed.
212
00:08:20,961 --> 00:08:23,527
William Henry Harrison
is totally ridiculous.
213
00:08:23,561 --> 00:08:25,696
They can't even fill a small
museum with real stuff
214
00:08:25,730 --> 00:08:27,597
about his life because
he was so lame.
215
00:08:27,632 --> 00:08:31,168
The "If He'd Worn A Coat Room"
explores how great America
216
00:08:31,202 --> 00:08:35,105
would have been if Harrison had
worn a coat at his inauguration.
217
00:08:35,139 --> 00:08:36,673
And not died.
218
00:08:36,708 --> 00:08:38,175
This room is called
219
00:08:38,209 --> 00:08:40,811
"Other Things That Were
Famous for One Month."
220
00:08:40,845 --> 00:08:45,882
Oh, and side note, admission
to this museum costs $14.
221
00:08:45,917 --> 00:08:48,718
And while you're here,
why not visit
222
00:08:48,753 --> 00:08:51,755
the "Other Famous Harrisons"
exhibit.
223
00:08:51,789 --> 00:08:54,725
Okay, guys, this is so great.
224
00:08:54,759 --> 00:08:57,661
During the election campaign
of 1840, William Henry Harrison
225
00:08:57,695 --> 00:09:02,332
supporters rolled this ten foot
tin and paper ball
226
00:09:02,367 --> 00:09:05,068
down country lanes all across
America.
227
00:09:05,103 --> 00:09:07,104
And--And they would sing along
with a jug band,
228
00:09:07,138 --> 00:09:08,605
and it was just so exciting.
229
00:09:08,639 --> 00:09:10,173
People would come for miles
just to see it.
230
00:09:10,208 --> 00:09:13,176
Why, was there something
inside this stupid ball?
231
00:09:13,211 --> 00:09:14,811
Ooh, like a giant hamster?
232
00:09:14,846 --> 00:09:17,414
This is what we have
to work with, okay.
233
00:09:17,448 --> 00:09:19,850
We are up against a very flashy
internet company,
234
00:09:19,884 --> 00:09:22,719
and we should be aiming
for quantity over quality.
235
00:09:22,754 --> 00:09:25,522
So we're gonna throw a bunch
of Harrison facts at them
236
00:09:25,556 --> 00:09:28,525
and a big pile of bricks
and whatever else we can find.
237
00:09:28,559 --> 00:09:31,028
Quantity, people.
Quantity!
238
00:09:31,062 --> 00:09:33,296
Wow.
239
00:09:33,331 --> 00:09:36,199
This is exactly what I imagine
Heaven looks like.
240
00:09:36,234 --> 00:09:39,136
Right down to the unisex
linen tunics.
241
00:09:39,170 --> 00:09:40,904
- Annabel, ma cherie.
- Hi.
242
00:09:40,938 --> 00:09:42,839
I'm sorry I'm late
for our coven.
243
00:09:42,874 --> 00:09:46,043
I was polishing my oyster forks
with a cage-free olive oil rub.
244
00:09:46,077 --> 00:09:47,677
Apology accepted, and then
245
00:09:47,712 --> 00:09:50,647
I have no reaction
to anything else you said.
246
00:09:50,681 --> 00:09:53,583
I can't help but ask,
what's in right now?
247
00:09:53,618 --> 00:09:55,786
Well, this season I'm intrigued
248
00:09:55,820 --> 00:09:59,156
by...asymmetrical overalls,
249
00:09:59,190 --> 00:10:02,426
angora toothbrushes,
and locally sourced
250
00:10:02,460 --> 00:10:03,760
Italian flip flops.
251
00:10:03,795 --> 00:10:07,130
Also, there's a flirty trend
in beverages.
252
00:10:07,165 --> 00:10:09,299
So you've had soy milk
and almond milk.
253
00:10:09,334 --> 00:10:14,938
Now try the hottest
new craze...beef milk.
254
00:10:14,972 --> 00:10:19,376
It's like almond milk that's
been squeezed through tiny holes
255
00:10:19,410 --> 00:10:22,679
in living cows.
256
00:10:22,714 --> 00:10:24,114
It's fucking milk.
257
00:10:24,148 --> 00:10:26,616
- No.
- No.
258
00:10:26,651 --> 00:10:28,118
Milk cost $3 a gallon.
259
00:10:28,152 --> 00:10:29,473
Annabel's authentic,
hand-strained
260
00:10:29,487 --> 00:10:31,121
teat-to-table beef milk,
261
00:10:31,155 --> 00:10:33,490
that costs $60 a gallon.
262
00:10:33,524 --> 00:10:36,026
Yeah, and there's a wait list.
263
00:10:36,060 --> 00:10:38,428
This woman knows business.
264
00:10:38,463 --> 00:10:40,731
And I'd be extremely jazzed
to be a part of the Gryzzl bid.
265
00:10:40,765 --> 00:10:44,735
Shall we discuss it in my yurt?
Great.
266
00:10:44,769 --> 00:10:48,739
Ron?
Okay, let's try this again.
267
00:10:48,773 --> 00:10:53,510
All pages accounted for,
just sign right here.
268
00:10:53,544 --> 00:10:55,645
How is Leslie doing
with her quest?
269
00:10:55,680 --> 00:10:58,315
Again, I don't want to talk
about her plan with you,
270
00:10:58,349 --> 00:10:59,850
nor yours with her.
271
00:10:59,884 --> 00:11:02,018
- Sure you understand.
- Absolutely.
272
00:11:02,053 --> 00:11:03,787
Terry, what is Leslie up to?
273
00:11:03,821 --> 00:11:05,288
Oh, getting ready for a big
press conference.
274
00:11:05,323 --> 00:11:06,990
Terry, come on.
275
00:11:07,024 --> 00:11:08,258
A press conference.
276
00:11:08,292 --> 00:11:11,395
So she's found something
to strengthen her bid.
277
00:11:11,429 --> 00:11:15,132
Ms. Porter,
no need to discuss any further.
278
00:11:15,166 --> 00:11:17,301
You will be the face
of the Gryzzl bid.
279
00:11:17,335 --> 00:11:18,602
Smashing.
280
00:11:18,636 --> 00:11:21,872
Well, this calls for a
celebratory dram of aged grappa.
281
00:11:21,906 --> 00:11:23,240
- Okay, so I just sign here?
- No.
282
00:11:23,274 --> 00:11:25,142
No, no!
Aw.
283
00:11:25,176 --> 00:11:28,045
Great.
There you go.
284
00:11:28,079 --> 00:11:30,814
- Yeah, that's invalid now.
- Yeah, I know.
285
00:11:30,848 --> 00:11:32,783
Excuse me, Mr. Haggerty?
286
00:11:32,817 --> 00:11:35,385
I just wanted to say that
I really like your museum.
287
00:11:35,420 --> 00:11:40,390
It's weird and sad
and unnecessary.
288
00:11:40,425 --> 00:11:45,962
Is there, like, a museum curator
position I could apply for?
289
00:11:45,997 --> 00:11:49,066
Sorry, everyone here
is a volunteer.
290
00:11:49,100 --> 00:11:51,101
Though you do get
a yearly stipend
291
00:11:51,135 --> 00:11:54,171
of 50,000 Harrison Bucks.
292
00:11:54,205 --> 00:11:58,075
Accepted only
at that vending machine.
293
00:11:58,109 --> 00:12:00,944
- Thanks.
- That's a bummer.
294
00:12:00,978 --> 00:12:02,312
But, hey, hey, listen.
295
00:12:02,346 --> 00:12:05,415
Maybe you could start
your own museum.
296
00:12:05,450 --> 00:12:06,750
About what?
297
00:12:06,784 --> 00:12:09,519
I'm sorry,
but I am not like you.
298
00:12:09,554 --> 00:12:10,687
You love everything.
299
00:12:10,722 --> 00:12:14,625
The only things I like are dogs,
sleeping late,
300
00:12:14,659 --> 00:12:16,426
and weird birthmarks.
301
00:12:16,461 --> 00:12:18,462
You can't make museums
about those.
302
00:12:18,496 --> 00:12:20,263
- This is another dead end.
- Guys?
303
00:12:20,298 --> 00:12:21,498
Let's keep it going, right?
304
00:12:21,532 --> 00:12:22,899
Somebody grab
the reading glasses,
305
00:12:22,934 --> 00:12:24,214
somebody grab
that walking stick.
306
00:12:24,235 --> 00:12:25,869
Grab everything you can.
307
00:12:25,903 --> 00:12:29,072
I'm officially dubbing this
Operation Quantity.
308
00:12:29,107 --> 00:12:30,540
Oh, thank God you're still here.
309
00:12:30,575 --> 00:12:33,610
I cannot believe the weird
notary hell
310
00:12:33,645 --> 00:12:34,878
I've been trapped in.
311
00:12:34,912 --> 00:12:36,947
Been more like heaven for me.
I mean, what a day.
312
00:12:36,981 --> 00:12:39,182
- What's Ron up to?
- Okay, I am not--
313
00:12:39,217 --> 00:12:40,817
- No, no, you have to tell me
because you legally vow yourself
314
00:12:40,852 --> 00:12:41,818
to me in marriage.
315
00:12:41,853 --> 00:12:43,453
- Sucker.
- Okay, fine.
316
00:12:43,488 --> 00:12:45,489
They got Annabel Porter
to be the celebrity face
317
00:12:45,523 --> 00:12:46,490
of their group.
318
00:12:46,524 --> 00:12:47,724
Little rat.
319
00:12:47,759 --> 00:12:49,393
Okay.
Two can play this game.
320
00:12:49,427 --> 00:12:52,562
Bill?
Operation Quantity needs a face.
321
00:12:52,597 --> 00:12:54,197
Does William Henry Harrison
have any direct descendants
322
00:12:54,232 --> 00:12:55,432
in the area?
323
00:12:55,466 --> 00:12:59,736
One--a distant nephew named
Zack Harrison.
324
00:12:59,771 --> 00:13:02,406
This is our guy.
American royalty.
325
00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:05,876
His veins pulse with the blood
of our storied forefather.
326
00:13:05,910 --> 00:13:08,211
Zack Harrison?
I went to camp with this guy.
327
00:13:08,246 --> 00:13:09,313
Ha ha!
328
00:13:09,347 --> 00:13:10,847
No one would ride
in the boat with him
329
00:13:10,882 --> 00:13:12,482
'cause he had terrible B.O.,
and then he went with Janine,
330
00:13:12,517 --> 00:13:14,418
our counselor, and he fell
asleep and got a boner.
331
00:13:14,452 --> 00:13:16,453
Well, he's
American royalty, okay?
332
00:13:16,487 --> 00:13:17,788
And we need him for the press
conference, and we need
333
00:13:17,822 --> 00:13:19,823
all of this stuff.
334
00:13:19,857 --> 00:13:23,760
So help me God, I will make a
mountain out of this mole hill.
335
00:13:24,486 --> 00:13:28,053
- Leslie, I do--
- Quantity, people.
336
00:13:31,112 --> 00:13:33,480
Notary public's can trace
our origin all the way back
337
00:13:33,514 --> 00:13:34,781
to ancient Rome.
338
00:13:34,815 --> 00:13:36,583
- No way.
- Calvin Coolidge was a notary.
339
00:13:36,617 --> 00:13:37,917
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
340
00:13:37,952 --> 00:13:39,552
And so was Calvin Coolidge's dad
341
00:13:39,587 --> 00:13:41,921
and so was Calvin Coolidge's
paternal grandfather.
342
00:13:41,956 --> 00:13:43,123
Uh-huh.
343
00:13:43,157 --> 00:13:45,525
It's 2.5 pounds of pressure
is what you need
344
00:13:45,559 --> 00:13:47,160
to get the perfect stamp.
345
00:13:47,194 --> 00:13:48,879
They have this monthly--
346
00:13:48,999 --> 00:13:50,766
Well, it's a notary
email newsletter
347
00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:51,734
and, oh, my gosh--
348
00:13:51,768 --> 00:13:53,135
- All right.
- Ben, it's fun.
349
00:13:53,169 --> 00:13:54,637
It's just fun.
350
00:13:54,671 --> 00:13:55,832
Babe?
351
00:13:55,902 --> 00:13:57,743
I have been thinking a lot about
what you said.
352
00:13:57,864 --> 00:14:00,899
I made a list of everything
that I know you like.
353
00:14:00,933 --> 00:14:02,868
Playing with our dog,
staring contests,
354
00:14:02,902 --> 00:14:04,769
sex with me, et cetera.
355
00:14:04,804 --> 00:14:07,405
And then, I lost the list.
356
00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:09,040
So I had to make a new list.
357
00:14:09,075 --> 00:14:10,876
I didn't have any paper,
so I wrote it on my leg.
358
00:14:10,910 --> 00:14:13,345
And that's when my leg fell
asleep--
359
00:14:13,379 --> 00:14:15,347
- Okay, could you just skip
ahead a little?
360
00:14:15,381 --> 00:14:17,782
What do all the things on
that list have in common?
361
00:14:17,817 --> 00:14:19,885
They're one-on-one.
362
00:14:19,919 --> 00:14:24,589
You like dealing with people,
or dogs, one-on-one.
363
00:14:24,624 --> 00:14:27,392
See, we don't make a list
of the things that you love,
364
00:14:27,426 --> 00:14:30,028
we make a list of the reasons
why you love them.
365
00:14:30,062 --> 00:14:33,031
And then we find something
that fits that list.
366
00:14:33,065 --> 00:14:35,233
You're the best husband ever.
367
00:14:39,138 --> 00:14:40,338
Hi, Zack Harrison.
368
00:14:40,373 --> 00:14:42,040
You wanted to meet with me about
a press conference?
369
00:14:42,074 --> 00:14:43,275
Oh, yes.
Hello, Zack.
370
00:14:43,309 --> 00:14:45,544
Yes, I am Leslie.
It is an honor to have you here.
371
00:14:45,578 --> 00:14:48,980
You are Indiana's last living
link to this great man.
372
00:14:49,015 --> 00:14:50,181
Look, I really don't think
373
00:14:50,216 --> 00:14:52,083
you should make a big deal
out of this.
374
00:14:52,118 --> 00:14:54,252
I just happen to be
a descendant of a guy.
375
00:14:54,287 --> 00:14:56,021
You could be the descendant
of George Washington.
376
00:14:56,055 --> 00:14:57,556
- I wouldn't know.
- Do you--
377
00:14:57,590 --> 00:14:58,757
- No, that was just
a hypothetical.
378
00:14:58,791 --> 00:14:59,891
Could that be possible?
379
00:14:59,926 --> 00:15:00,992
Because, you know,
I have always thought
380
00:15:01,027 --> 00:15:03,728
that we shared very similar
jaw lines.
381
00:15:03,763 --> 00:15:05,397
Wow.
That is something to chew on.
382
00:15:05,431 --> 00:15:06,932
Anyway, okay.
It doesn't matter.
383
00:15:06,966 --> 00:15:08,633
I need this to be
very impressive.
384
00:15:08,668 --> 00:15:12,804
So head on in there and be
presidential...ly descendant.
385
00:15:12,839 --> 00:15:14,072
Just go in there.
Okay?
386
00:15:14,106 --> 00:15:15,173
- Just walk, walk, walk.
- I don't--
387
00:15:15,208 --> 00:15:16,708
- Quiet down.
Walk in.
388
00:15:16,742 --> 00:15:18,710
Zack.
Camp Wamapo, you got a boner.
389
00:15:18,744 --> 00:15:20,679
We'll catch up.
What a dick.
390
00:15:20,713 --> 00:15:23,315
Hey!
No.
391
00:15:23,349 --> 00:15:25,517
No, no, no, no, no, no.
What--Ron?
392
00:15:25,551 --> 00:15:26,618
What are you doing here?
393
00:15:26,652 --> 00:15:28,052
Setting up for our
press conference,
394
00:15:28,054 --> 00:15:30,121
which will take place
immediately after yours.
395
00:15:30,156 --> 00:15:31,723
Are you crazy?
You can't do that.
396
00:15:31,758 --> 00:15:33,325
- Do you want me to bite him?
- No.
397
00:15:33,359 --> 00:15:35,093
Ignore them.
398
00:15:35,127 --> 00:15:37,562
We start in ten minutes.
399
00:15:37,597 --> 00:15:40,532
Swanson, you didn't say
anything about ambushing
400
00:15:40,566 --> 00:15:42,167
Leslie's press conference.
401
00:15:42,201 --> 00:15:43,501
I didn't think it was relevant.
402
00:15:43,536 --> 00:15:45,403
Come on, man.
This isn't cool.
403
00:15:45,438 --> 00:15:48,140
This is a competition.
We need to win it.
404
00:15:48,174 --> 00:15:50,842
Please do your jobs.
405
00:15:50,877 --> 00:15:52,210
Good evening.
406
00:15:52,245 --> 00:15:55,113
Pawnee is a place of culture,
history, and heritage,
407
00:15:55,147 --> 00:15:57,282
and the National Park Service
is proud to say
408
00:15:57,316 --> 00:15:59,584
that we've discovered a new
chapter in the life
409
00:15:59,619 --> 00:16:02,687
of local hero and president,
William Henry Harrison.
410
00:16:02,722 --> 00:16:04,489
A heretofore unknown
411
00:16:04,524 --> 00:16:07,659
hunting lodge was recently
discovered
412
00:16:07,693 --> 00:16:10,962
smack dab in the middle
of the Newport land.
413
00:16:10,997 --> 00:16:13,698
What great historical moments
414
00:16:13,733 --> 00:16:16,067
took place within
these hallowed halls?
415
00:16:16,102 --> 00:16:19,237
Did Harrison plan his
presidential campaign
416
00:16:19,272 --> 00:16:20,939
while sitting around the hearth?
417
00:16:20,973 --> 00:16:22,707
Which used to be there.
418
00:16:22,742 --> 00:16:24,543
Did he write letters
to Thomas Jefferson
419
00:16:24,577 --> 00:16:25,911
on his roll top desk?
420
00:16:25,945 --> 00:16:27,979
Which, you know, I don't know,
might have existed.
421
00:16:28,014 --> 00:16:30,615
The point is,
William Henry Harrison
422
00:16:30,650 --> 00:16:34,820
would have wanted this land
preserved as a national park.
423
00:16:34,854 --> 00:16:37,189
Don't believe me?
Let's ask him.
424
00:16:37,223 --> 00:16:41,993
In the form of his direct
descendant, Zachary.
425
00:16:44,263 --> 00:16:47,799
Hi, I'm Zack.
Harrison.
426
00:16:47,834 --> 00:16:49,100
Amazing.
427
00:16:49,135 --> 00:16:51,036
Zachary, what is it like being
a descendant
428
00:16:51,070 --> 00:16:52,938
of William Henry Harrison?
429
00:16:52,972 --> 00:16:55,307
Uh, Harrison's
a pretty common last name.
430
00:16:55,341 --> 00:16:57,375
Okay, sit.
Now.
431
00:16:57,410 --> 00:17:00,345
Travel back in time with me
to 1840
432
00:17:00,379 --> 00:17:02,948
when William Henry Harrison,
Old Tippecanoe,
433
00:17:02,982 --> 00:17:04,449
runs for president.
434
00:17:04,484 --> 00:17:09,454
And his campaign rolls this
giant tin and paper ball
435
00:17:09,489 --> 00:17:13,625
from town to town, while
Americans everywhere sing along.
436
00:17:13,659 --> 00:17:14,659
Hit it, gang.
437
00:17:16,462 --> 00:17:19,731
♪ What has caused this great
commotion motion motion ♪
438
00:17:19,765 --> 00:17:21,133
♪ our country through ♪
439
00:17:21,167 --> 00:17:23,368
♪ It is the ball
a-Rolling on ♪
440
00:17:23,402 --> 00:17:24,870
They're talking about this ball.
441
00:17:24,904 --> 00:17:27,105
♪ For Tippecanoe and Tyler too ♪
442
00:17:27,140 --> 00:17:29,341
♪ Tippecanoe and Tyler too... ♪
443
00:17:29,375 --> 00:17:31,777
Van.
Van's Martin van Buren.
444
00:17:31,811 --> 00:17:33,011
That's who.
445
00:17:33,045 --> 00:17:34,446
♪ Van is a used up man ♪
446
00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:38,049
♪ and with them we'll beat
little Van ♪
447
00:17:40,186 --> 00:17:42,087
Wow, that was cool.
448
00:17:42,121 --> 00:17:45,423
Said some boring idiot
from 200 years ago.
449
00:17:45,458 --> 00:17:47,759
Who cares about some dumb
grandpa and a tin ball?
450
00:17:47,793 --> 00:17:49,961
That's the past.
Gryzzl is the future.
451
00:17:49,996 --> 00:17:52,998
The Newport land will become
the Midwest headquarters
452
00:17:53,032 --> 00:17:55,634
of America's most dynamic
technology company.
453
00:17:55,668 --> 00:17:59,304
Here to introduce our vision
is Annabel Riordan from Bloosh
454
00:17:59,338 --> 00:18:01,239
and the sexy ladies
known in Pawnee as
455
00:18:01,274 --> 00:18:04,943
The Somebody's Daughter Dancers.
456
00:18:04,977 --> 00:18:07,979
Fresh.
457
00:18:08,014 --> 00:18:10,982
Innovative.
Place-Making.
458
00:18:11,017 --> 00:18:14,753
Disposable duvets.
Growth-Hacking.
459
00:18:14,787 --> 00:18:17,522
Super-Moon
Gryzzl.
460
00:18:17,557 --> 00:18:23,028
Now come with me as we binge
watch the future.
461
00:18:26,065 --> 00:18:29,768
That was sickening.
All flash and no substance.
462
00:18:29,802 --> 00:18:32,738
It was exactly as substantive
as your presentation.
463
00:18:32,772 --> 00:18:34,172
No, it was not.
464
00:18:34,207 --> 00:18:36,041
We had way more quantity
than you.
465
00:18:36,075 --> 00:18:37,909
Please.
Please.
466
00:18:37,944 --> 00:18:40,912
For the love of all
that is holy, both of you,
467
00:18:40,947 --> 00:18:44,516
please sign this form.
468
00:18:44,550 --> 00:18:45,684
Not that it matters.
469
00:18:45,718 --> 00:18:47,219
I'm definitely gonna wake up
tomorrow morning
470
00:18:47,253 --> 00:18:50,055
with these same forms for you
to sign because I've died
471
00:18:50,089 --> 00:18:53,258
somehow and now I'm a ghost
living in Purgatory
472
00:18:53,292 --> 00:18:55,393
until I complete
my unfinished business.
473
00:18:55,428 --> 00:18:57,162
Okay, I'm not signing anything
he's signing.
474
00:18:57,196 --> 00:18:59,431
Did you just hear what I said?
475
00:18:59,465 --> 00:19:01,900
No, of course, you didn't,
because I'm a ghost.
476
00:19:01,934 --> 00:19:04,135
You know what?
I can't stand you.
477
00:19:04,170 --> 00:19:08,073
I can't stand your stupid
mustache and your stupid shirt,
478
00:19:08,107 --> 00:19:10,308
and your stupid name, Ron.
479
00:19:10,343 --> 00:19:12,310
Ron.
It's not even a word.
480
00:19:12,345 --> 00:19:13,478
Well, I have had
just about enough
481
00:19:13,513 --> 00:19:15,680
of your stubborn behavior.
482
00:19:15,715 --> 00:19:17,282
Ever since
the Morningstar incident,
483
00:19:17,316 --> 00:19:19,384
you have been completely
unreasonable.
484
00:19:19,419 --> 00:19:20,852
You are the unreasonable one!
485
00:19:20,887 --> 00:19:23,255
You've been unreasonable
way before Morningstar.
486
00:19:23,289 --> 00:19:25,657
You're the most unreasonable,
stubborn person I have ever met.
487
00:19:25,691 --> 00:19:27,359
And I am never gonna change
my mind on that,
488
00:19:27,393 --> 00:19:30,829
no matter what anybody says!
489
00:19:30,863 --> 00:19:33,165
You're not that good
at scrapbooking.
490
00:19:33,199 --> 00:19:35,109
What?
491
00:19:37,403 --> 00:19:39,504
Okay, would you just sign
right here?
492
00:19:39,539 --> 00:19:41,806
And I will need your
thumbprints.
493
00:19:45,495 --> 00:19:47,363
Man, those two really
hate each other.
494
00:19:47,397 --> 00:19:49,498
That feud's like
Biggie-Tupac level.
495
00:19:49,533 --> 00:19:51,867
Maybe even Morgan Freeman-
Shailene Woodley level.
496
00:19:51,902 --> 00:19:53,869
Nah, it's bad,
but it's not that bad.
497
00:19:53,904 --> 00:19:56,939
This is like when the triplets
fight, except I can't just give
498
00:19:56,973 --> 00:20:00,576
Leslie and Ron stuffed animals
to make them calm down.
499
00:20:00,610 --> 00:20:03,045
Actually, that might work.
Have we tried that?
500
00:20:03,079 --> 00:20:04,413
They've always butted heads.
501
00:20:04,447 --> 00:20:06,248
I really--I don't think
they hate each other.
502
00:20:06,283 --> 00:20:09,285
I just think they're very
different people and they just
503
00:20:09,319 --> 00:20:11,639
drifted apart once they stopped
working in the same office.
504
00:20:13,823 --> 00:20:16,525
You okay?
505
00:20:16,560 --> 00:20:19,395
Yeah, well I ordered 60
veggie pizzas to Ron's office,
506
00:20:19,429 --> 00:20:20,796
so that calmed me down a little.
507
00:20:20,831 --> 00:20:24,333
I know you're furious at him.
508
00:20:24,367 --> 00:20:28,270
But please, come to a neutral
site and sit with Ron
509
00:20:28,305 --> 00:20:31,340
for 30 seconds so I can get
this dumb document signed.
510
00:20:31,374 --> 00:20:32,742
Ugh.
511
00:20:32,776 --> 00:20:34,176
I'll let you rename the triplets
512
00:20:34,211 --> 00:20:36,912
Ruth, Bader, and Ginsburg.
513
00:20:36,947 --> 00:20:40,182
Okay, fine.
But I get to sign first.
514
00:20:40,217 --> 00:20:41,350
Oh, my God.
515
00:20:41,384 --> 00:20:43,152
All right, let's just
get this over with.
516
00:20:43,186 --> 00:20:44,620
Oh, let me get that for you.
517
00:20:50,660 --> 00:20:52,528
- Got 'em.
- What?
518
00:20:52,562 --> 00:20:54,330
What's going on?
What's going on?
519
00:20:54,364 --> 00:20:56,699
- Let us out immediately.
- No.
520
00:20:56,733 --> 00:20:58,234
You guys are being ridiculous.
521
00:20:58,268 --> 00:21:01,137
This has gone too far, and
you are not leaving this office
522
00:21:01,171 --> 00:21:04,573
until you've made peace.
523
00:21:04,608 --> 00:21:06,542
Nooo!
524
00:21:09,613 --> 00:21:11,247
No, no, no.
525
00:21:11,281 --> 00:21:13,549
Sorry, Ron, doors are locked.
526
00:21:13,583 --> 00:21:15,618
We've taken your key cards
and your phones,
527
00:21:15,652 --> 00:21:17,453
and the automatic timer
won't go off
528
00:21:17,487 --> 00:21:19,021
until tomorrow at 8:00 a.m.
529
00:21:19,055 --> 00:21:20,055
You're trapped in there.
530
00:21:20,090 --> 00:21:21,457
We told security
not to disturb you
531
00:21:21,491 --> 00:21:23,559
under any circumstances.
532
00:21:23,593 --> 00:21:24,660
And the phones and internet?
533
00:21:24,694 --> 00:21:25,894
Oh, they've been disconnected.
534
00:21:25,896 --> 00:21:28,397
And I left a rusty hacksaw
on the table,
535
00:21:28,432 --> 00:21:31,033
so the first person who hacks
their face off gets release.
536
00:21:31,068 --> 00:21:32,535
That's not--what?
537
00:21:32,569 --> 00:21:33,802
Is that true?
538
00:21:33,837 --> 00:21:36,138
Guys, this is insane, okay?
Let us out.
539
00:21:36,173 --> 00:21:38,174
Oh, my God, babe.
Game of Thrones is on tonight.
540
00:21:38,208 --> 00:21:39,575
It's the series finale.
541
00:21:39,609 --> 00:21:41,977
Khaleesi is marrying
Jack Sparrow.
542
00:21:42,012 --> 00:21:44,313
Oh, God, that show has really
gone off the rails.
543
00:21:44,347 --> 00:21:45,915
It makes sense
if you've read the books.
544
00:21:45,949 --> 00:21:48,150
Look, our baby monitor
is on the table.
545
00:21:48,185 --> 00:21:50,052
If you guys can talk this out
546
00:21:50,086 --> 00:21:52,488
and settle your differences
like grown-ups,
547
00:21:52,522 --> 00:21:55,357
turn it on, and I will come
to get you from my office.
548
00:21:55,392 --> 00:21:58,527
Otherwise, we will see you
at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow morning.
549
00:21:58,562 --> 00:22:00,329
I am going to break out of here,
550
00:22:00,363 --> 00:22:02,665
then I am going to snap you
in half.
551
00:22:02,699 --> 00:22:03,666
Hey.
552
00:22:03,700 --> 00:22:05,367
This is not his fault, Swanson.
553
00:22:05,402 --> 00:22:07,903
Be a man,
and get your house in order.
554
00:22:07,938 --> 00:22:09,738
You too, Knope.
555
00:22:09,773 --> 00:22:10,973
Good luck, you guys.
556
00:22:11,007 --> 00:22:12,842
I really hope you can work out
your differences.
557
00:22:12,876 --> 00:22:14,944
Terry, look at me.
558
00:22:14,978 --> 00:22:17,012
Is this what you want to do?
559
00:22:17,047 --> 00:22:20,349
Think very carefully, son.
560
00:22:20,383 --> 00:22:21,650
There you go.
561
00:22:21,685 --> 00:22:23,052
That's right, buddy.
562
00:22:23,086 --> 00:22:24,453
Come on.
563
00:22:24,488 --> 00:22:27,323
For once in your life,
do something right.
564
00:22:27,357 --> 00:22:28,824
Stop it, Terry.
565
00:22:28,859 --> 00:22:30,392
Both of you.
Come on.
566
00:22:30,427 --> 00:22:31,961
Damn it, Terry!
567
00:22:52,117 --> 00:22:53,983
Okay, think.
568
00:22:54,017 --> 00:22:55,518
There must be a way out of here.
569
00:22:55,552 --> 00:22:56,952
I don't think there is.
570
00:22:56,987 --> 00:22:59,155
They installed these magnetic
locks two years ago.
571
00:22:59,189 --> 00:23:00,656
There's no way around them.
572
00:23:00,690 --> 00:23:02,057
Yes, there is.
573
00:23:02,092 --> 00:23:04,126
I'll simply punch my fist
through a window.
574
00:23:04,161 --> 00:23:06,195
Ron, there's security wire
in there.
575
00:23:06,229 --> 00:23:07,630
You'll slice your arm open.
576
00:23:07,664 --> 00:23:09,465
I would rather bleed out
than sit here
577
00:23:09,499 --> 00:23:12,134
and talk about my feelings
for ten hours.
578
00:23:12,169 --> 00:23:13,102
There is another way.
579
00:23:13,136 --> 00:23:14,670
We'll just wait a few minutes,
580
00:23:14,704 --> 00:23:17,473
turn on this monitor,
and then we'll tell Ben
581
00:23:17,507 --> 00:23:19,408
that we talked it out
and made up.
582
00:23:19,443 --> 00:23:22,411
I'll just tell them that
I apologized for...
583
00:23:22,445 --> 00:23:25,081
whatever,
heroically caring too much,
584
00:23:25,115 --> 00:23:27,049
and you admitted that
you're a stubborn butthead,
585
00:23:27,084 --> 00:23:28,217
and everything's fine now.
586
00:23:28,251 --> 00:23:30,386
Why do I have to be stubborn?
587
00:23:30,420 --> 00:23:32,888
Why can't the problem have been
that I was reasonable
588
00:23:32,923 --> 00:23:33,956
and you were at fault?
589
00:23:33,990 --> 00:23:36,025
Because we want them
to believe us
590
00:23:36,059 --> 00:23:37,493
and not laugh really hard
591
00:23:37,527 --> 00:23:39,995
at a ridiculous
science fiction scenario.
592
00:23:40,030 --> 00:23:41,864
We are not saying
I was the problem.
593
00:23:41,898 --> 00:23:44,633
If we're gonna lie to them,
I will not let you lie to them.
594
00:23:44,668 --> 00:23:45,868
Fine!
595
00:23:45,902 --> 00:23:47,069
I'll tell them
that for the past three years,
596
00:23:47,104 --> 00:23:48,871
you've been a perfect gentleman
and scholar,
597
00:23:48,905 --> 00:23:50,406
and I am an insane weirdo
598
00:23:50,440 --> 00:23:51,941
who, despite being
the only reason
599
00:23:51,975 --> 00:23:54,009
we even had a friendship
to begin with,
600
00:23:54,044 --> 00:23:57,680
decided to ruin it out of
the blue for no good reason.
601
00:23:57,714 --> 00:23:59,248
That sounds good.
Let's go with that.
602
00:24:01,118 --> 00:24:02,251
What are you doing?
603
00:24:02,285 --> 00:24:03,452
I destroyed the monitor!
604
00:24:03,487 --> 00:24:04,887
What if we have an emergency
605
00:24:04,921 --> 00:24:06,255
and have to get out of here?
606
00:24:06,289 --> 00:24:09,091
I did not consider
that possibility!
607
00:24:12,662 --> 00:24:15,464
Everything's different.
608
00:24:15,499 --> 00:24:18,601
I mean, the furniture,
the pictures.
609
00:24:18,635 --> 00:24:20,569
Craig changed everything.
610
00:24:20,604 --> 00:24:21,537
Did he?
611
00:24:21,571 --> 00:24:22,771
I tried not to notice anything
612
00:24:22,773 --> 00:24:24,306
when I worked here.
613
00:24:24,341 --> 00:24:25,608
Or talk to anyone.
614
00:24:25,642 --> 00:24:27,376
Or learn anyone's name.
615
00:24:27,411 --> 00:24:29,879
You, of all people,
should know that, Lauren.
616
00:24:29,913 --> 00:24:32,748
Look, we are gonna be here
for ten hours.
617
00:24:32,783 --> 00:24:34,250
We could either
talk about our issues
618
00:24:34,284 --> 00:24:35,484
and work through our problems,
619
00:24:35,519 --> 00:24:37,119
or we can just sit here
doing nothing.
620
00:24:37,154 --> 00:24:38,354
I choose "sit here."
621
00:24:38,388 --> 00:24:39,755
Come on, Ron,
why don't we just--
622
00:24:39,790 --> 00:24:41,323
- Sit here.
- Ron.
623
00:24:41,358 --> 00:24:44,160
Sit here.
624
00:24:44,194 --> 00:24:46,095
I bet I can make you talk.
625
00:24:46,129 --> 00:24:47,596
I'll take that bet
626
00:24:47,631 --> 00:24:49,632
at any odds,
for any amount of money,
627
00:24:49,666 --> 00:24:51,000
over any length of time
628
00:24:51,034 --> 00:24:54,570
stretching from now
into infinity.
629
00:24:54,604 --> 00:24:55,871
Talk to me. Talk to me.
Talk to me. Talk to me.
630
00:24:55,906 --> 00:24:57,039
Talk to me. Talk to me.
Talk to me. Talk to me.
631
00:24:57,073 --> 00:24:58,174
Talk to me. Talk. Talk. Talk.
632
00:24:59,943 --> 00:25:01,043
Talk to me!
633
00:25:01,077 --> 00:25:05,347
Drip. Drip.
One word, and this is over.
634
00:25:05,382 --> 00:25:07,583
I think wood is stupid,
and so does everybody else.
635
00:25:07,617 --> 00:25:10,586
You guys, Ron loves plastic.
636
00:25:10,620 --> 00:25:12,521
Last chance, Ron.
637
00:25:12,556 --> 00:25:14,824
You want to talk? Huh?
638
00:25:16,827 --> 00:25:17,860
Aha!
639
00:25:17,894 --> 00:25:19,628
Jackpot.
640
00:25:19,663 --> 00:25:20,930
You know what this is, Ron?
641
00:25:20,964 --> 00:25:24,800
This is a mix I made for
the summer Parks barbecue, 2007.
642
00:25:24,835 --> 00:25:26,396
I asked everyone
in the Parks Department
643
00:25:26,403 --> 00:25:27,770
to choose one song.
644
00:25:27,804 --> 00:25:31,073
You chose Buddy
by Willie Nelson,
645
00:25:31,108 --> 00:25:33,809
a fact I remember
because my mind
646
00:25:33,844 --> 00:25:35,945
is a steel trap
of friendship nuggets.
647
00:25:35,979 --> 00:25:38,581
But I am not going to play
your choice.
648
00:25:38,615 --> 00:25:40,416
I'm gonna play Jerry's choice.
649
00:25:42,352 --> 00:25:43,719
Ooh, that's right.
650
00:25:43,754 --> 00:25:45,187
And I'm gonna sing along.
651
00:25:45,222 --> 00:25:48,290
And I'm gonna maintain
eye contact the whole time.
652
00:25:48,325 --> 00:25:51,093
And guess what.
I don't know the words.
653
00:25:51,128 --> 00:25:52,628
♪ Harry Truman was a guy ♪
654
00:25:52,662 --> 00:25:54,263
♪ America, Red China ♪
655
00:25:54,297 --> 00:25:55,965
♪ All the countries,
other people ♪
656
00:25:55,999 --> 00:25:57,166
♪ Everyone is fun ♪
657
00:25:57,200 --> 00:25:59,168
♪ Joe Mantegna, Ian McKellen ♪
658
00:25:59,202 --> 00:26:00,870
♪ I have to buy a new toaster ♪
659
00:26:00,904 --> 00:26:02,344
♪ This is awesome,
you're so stupid ♪
660
00:26:02,372 --> 00:26:03,672
♪ Jumping up and down ♪
661
00:26:03,707 --> 00:26:04,673
Whoo!
662
00:26:04,708 --> 00:26:06,809
Oh, I got it on repeat.
Come on, Ron.
663
00:26:06,843 --> 00:26:08,210
Do you want to hear it again,
or do you want to talk?
664
00:26:08,245 --> 00:26:09,178
No?
665
00:26:09,212 --> 00:26:10,579
Okay, next verse.
666
00:26:10,614 --> 00:26:12,148
♪ Freddy Krueger
bought some pants ♪
667
00:26:12,182 --> 00:26:13,649
♪ Oprah has a turtle farm ♪
668
00:26:13,683 --> 00:26:15,317
♪ Peter Piper
pee-pee poopy ♪
669
00:26:15,352 --> 00:26:16,552
♪ Daddy ate a squirrel ♪
670
00:26:16,586 --> 00:26:17,553
Stop this!
671
00:26:17,587 --> 00:26:19,355
♪ Eisenhower, vaccine ♪
672
00:26:20,924 --> 00:26:24,026
I will speak with you
for three minutes.
673
00:26:24,061 --> 00:26:25,194
Great.
674
00:26:26,396 --> 00:26:27,963
So...
675
00:26:27,998 --> 00:26:29,498
what would you like
to talk about?
676
00:26:29,533 --> 00:26:30,499
Oh, come on, Ron.
677
00:26:30,534 --> 00:26:31,667
We were friends for ten years.
678
00:26:31,701 --> 00:26:33,669
We were work proximity
associates.
679
00:26:33,703 --> 00:26:34,870
We were friends.
680
00:26:34,905 --> 00:26:36,138
And now we're not.
681
00:26:36,173 --> 00:26:39,708
And once again, it is up to me
to save our friendship,
682
00:26:39,743 --> 00:26:42,344
and I will do so using
the most powerful tool
683
00:26:42,379 --> 00:26:44,080
known to man:
684
00:26:44,114 --> 00:26:47,883
a well-organized chart.
685
00:26:47,918 --> 00:26:51,220
Three years ago, I accept
a job at National Parks.
686
00:26:51,254 --> 00:26:53,289
You and I see each other less,
admittedly,
687
00:26:53,323 --> 00:26:54,390
due to my busy schedule
688
00:26:54,424 --> 00:26:56,058
and your utter lack of interest
689
00:26:56,093 --> 00:26:57,560
in maintaining
adult friendships.
690
00:26:57,594 --> 00:27:00,062
Work proximity
associate-ships.
691
00:27:00,097 --> 00:27:01,938
Three months later,
April comes to work for me.
692
00:27:01,965 --> 00:27:02,932
We throw her a party.
693
00:27:02,966 --> 00:27:04,500
At her request,
the party's theme
694
00:27:04,534 --> 00:27:07,136
is "Zombie Teenage Biker Gang
Pizza Jamboree."
695
00:27:07,170 --> 00:27:08,104
I remember.
696
00:27:08,138 --> 00:27:09,739
You made me wear
a leather jacket.
697
00:27:09,773 --> 00:27:11,507
That is the last time
you and I see each other
698
00:27:11,541 --> 00:27:13,409
for more than five minutes.
699
00:27:13,443 --> 00:27:15,778
Three months later,
you come and visit me
700
00:27:15,812 --> 00:27:19,148
at my office on the third floor
for the very first time.
701
00:27:19,182 --> 00:27:22,084
One week later,
I return from a trip,
702
00:27:22,119 --> 00:27:25,554
and I find out you have quit
the Parks Department
703
00:27:25,589 --> 00:27:28,057
and you have started
your own building company
704
00:27:28,091 --> 00:27:30,860
without even bothering
to tell me.
705
00:27:30,894 --> 00:27:32,495
"Oh, well," I think to myself.
706
00:27:32,529 --> 00:27:34,029
"You know, it was only
a matter of time."
707
00:27:34,064 --> 00:27:36,665
And then, two months after that,
708
00:27:36,700 --> 00:27:38,601
Morningstar--
709
00:27:38,635 --> 00:27:39,802
the final twist of the knife.
710
00:27:39,836 --> 00:27:41,137
Oh, for God's sake.
711
00:27:41,171 --> 00:27:42,304
I hear about Morningstar,
712
00:27:42,339 --> 00:27:45,141
and I calmly saunter
down to your office
713
00:27:45,175 --> 00:27:47,535
and attempt to have a rational
discussion with you about it.
714
00:27:47,544 --> 00:27:49,745
What the hell, Ron?
715
00:27:49,780 --> 00:27:51,614
You're building
your stupid building
716
00:27:51,648 --> 00:27:53,649
on the block
next to Pawnee Commons?
717
00:27:53,683 --> 00:27:56,452
The park that I built
from scratch out of a pit?
718
00:27:56,486 --> 00:27:58,421
This building is gonna ruin
the views, you jerk.
719
00:27:58,455 --> 00:28:00,756
And you're gonna tear
all the houses down?
720
00:28:00,791 --> 00:28:03,692
- Yes.
- Ann lived there, Ron.
721
00:28:03,727 --> 00:28:04,994
That's Ann's old house.
722
00:28:05,028 --> 00:28:06,929
That's my best friend's
old house.
723
00:28:06,963 --> 00:28:09,198
That was the house
where I put on my wedding dress
724
00:28:09,232 --> 00:28:10,232
the night I got married.
725
00:28:10,267 --> 00:28:12,001
That is the house where
April and Andy
726
00:28:12,035 --> 00:28:13,235
met for the first time.
727
00:28:13,270 --> 00:28:15,137
That is the house
where Ann gave me
728
00:28:15,172 --> 00:28:17,306
my first ever smoky eye look.
729
00:28:17,340 --> 00:28:19,542
She hasn't lived there
for five years.
730
00:28:19,576 --> 00:28:20,710
That's not the point.
731
00:28:20,744 --> 00:28:23,279
This building is a monstrosity.
732
00:28:23,313 --> 00:28:25,948
And what's it called?
Morningstar?
733
00:28:25,982 --> 00:28:27,216
"Oh, dear.
734
00:28:27,250 --> 00:28:29,418
"We live at the Morningstar.
735
00:28:29,453 --> 00:28:32,154
That's so posh and
hibbley-fibbley-gibbley."
736
00:28:32,189 --> 00:28:34,590
The world needs
apartment buildings.
737
00:28:34,624 --> 00:28:36,092
The park you built is nice,
738
00:28:36,126 --> 00:28:37,426
and people want to live
next to it.
739
00:28:37,461 --> 00:28:38,794
That's not the point.
740
00:28:38,829 --> 00:28:40,763
You knew that
I would be furious,
741
00:28:40,797 --> 00:28:43,499
and you didn't have the guts
to tell me yourself.
742
00:28:43,533 --> 00:28:45,868
Enjoy your new job, Judas.
743
00:28:47,003 --> 00:28:49,705
You tear down Ann's house.
744
00:28:49,740 --> 00:28:52,174
You spend the next two years
cutting down trees
745
00:28:52,209 --> 00:28:55,711
and fighting zoning laws
that I helped pass,
746
00:28:55,746 --> 00:28:59,648
basically spitting on everything
we did together at Parks.
747
00:28:59,683 --> 00:29:03,219
That's not the whole story.
748
00:29:03,253 --> 00:29:04,387
What does that mean?
749
00:29:04,421 --> 00:29:05,655
It means what it means.
750
00:29:05,689 --> 00:29:06,889
That...
751
00:29:06,923 --> 00:29:10,192
is not the whole story
of why I left.
752
00:29:12,562 --> 00:29:14,730
Sorry, time is up.
753
00:29:14,765 --> 00:29:15,731
Wait.
754
00:29:15,765 --> 00:29:17,666
Why then?
What was the reason?
755
00:29:17,701 --> 00:29:18,768
Ron, come on.
756
00:29:18,802 --> 00:29:20,202
Oh, my God, you made a key?
757
00:29:20,237 --> 00:29:21,437
Ron, please, don't--
758
00:29:21,471 --> 00:29:22,705
Come on, Ron.
759
00:29:22,739 --> 00:29:24,406
Ron, just talk to me.
760
00:29:24,441 --> 00:29:25,408
Ron, come on.
761
00:29:25,442 --> 00:29:29,111
See you tomorrow morning.
762
00:29:29,146 --> 00:29:30,579
Okay.
763
00:29:30,614 --> 00:29:31,614
Progress.
764
00:29:33,649 --> 00:29:34,950
Is it that I sent you
a birthday card
765
00:29:34,984 --> 00:29:36,251
through the US mail,
766
00:29:36,285 --> 00:29:38,253
so the post office
knew your address?
767
00:29:38,287 --> 00:29:39,454
No. Go away.
768
00:29:39,888 --> 00:29:42,156
Ooh, is it because
I had Food and Stuff
769
00:29:42,190 --> 00:29:44,704
temporarily shut down
due to a health code violation?
770
00:29:45,091 --> 00:29:46,260
That was you?
771
00:29:46,294 --> 00:29:50,597
They had fresh produce out
right next to the roach spray.
772
00:29:50,632 --> 00:29:54,068
The name of the store
is "Food and Stuff."
773
00:29:54,102 --> 00:29:56,103
They sell food,
and they sell stuff.
774
00:29:56,137 --> 00:29:58,372
If you don't like it,
go to that new place,
775
00:29:58,406 --> 00:29:59,773
Complete Food.
776
00:29:59,808 --> 00:30:02,009
It's called Whole Foods.
777
00:30:02,043 --> 00:30:04,111
- And is that really the reason?
- No.
778
00:30:04,145 --> 00:30:07,514
How many more questions
are you going to ask me?
779
00:30:07,549 --> 00:30:10,317
As many as I need to
to solve this mystery
780
00:30:10,351 --> 00:30:14,788
and get us engaged in a deep
and stimulating conversation
781
00:30:14,823 --> 00:30:16,390
about our friendship.
782
00:30:16,424 --> 00:30:17,391
Ron, what are you doing?
783
00:30:17,425 --> 00:30:18,559
I know I saw it.
784
00:30:18,593 --> 00:30:19,626
Aha!
785
00:30:19,661 --> 00:30:22,162
Detonator.
786
00:30:22,197 --> 00:30:24,431
The partially defused
claymore mine
787
00:30:24,466 --> 00:30:26,300
you gave me ten years ago.
788
00:30:26,334 --> 00:30:28,902
I'm gonna use it to blow
a hole in this damn door
789
00:30:28,937 --> 00:30:30,504
so I can get out of here.
790
00:30:30,538 --> 00:30:33,674
- Ron, just wait a second.
- No.
791
00:30:33,708 --> 00:30:35,242
I'm being held as a prisoner
against my will,
792
00:30:35,276 --> 00:30:37,945
and I have the right, as
a citizen of the United States,
793
00:30:37,979 --> 00:30:40,547
to blow a hole
in that fucking door
794
00:30:40,582 --> 00:30:42,282
and walk out as a free man.
795
00:30:42,317 --> 00:30:43,751
It's in the Constitution.
796
00:30:43,785 --> 00:30:45,519
There's no cursing
in the Constitution.
797
00:30:45,553 --> 00:30:47,521
Look, before you do that--
798
00:30:47,555 --> 00:30:49,123
- Too late.
Here we go.
799
00:30:49,157 --> 00:30:52,092
Fire in the hole!
800
00:30:55,163 --> 00:30:56,730
Whoo!
801
00:30:59,100 --> 00:31:01,402
I gave you that as a gift
802
00:31:01,436 --> 00:31:03,604
on your fifth anniversary
as Parks director.
803
00:31:03,638 --> 00:31:05,839
You told me
804
00:31:05,874 --> 00:31:09,543
this was a genuine partially
defused claymore mine.
805
00:31:09,577 --> 00:31:10,978
Well, it was.
806
00:31:11,012 --> 00:31:13,614
I bought the empty shell
off of eBay,
807
00:31:13,648 --> 00:31:15,182
and then I filled it
with, you know,
808
00:31:15,216 --> 00:31:17,084
balloons and confetti and such.
809
00:31:17,118 --> 00:31:19,787
You mean to tell me
I have had a toy
810
00:31:19,821 --> 00:31:22,189
on my desk for ten years?
811
00:31:22,223 --> 00:31:23,624
You mean to tell me
you've thought
812
00:31:23,658 --> 00:31:26,593
you've thought you had an actual
land mine on your desk?
813
00:31:26,628 --> 00:31:28,395
Congratulations, Ron.
814
00:31:28,430 --> 00:31:30,864
You've been doing
an explosive job!
815
00:31:33,802 --> 00:31:34,768
Come on, Ron.
816
00:31:34,803 --> 00:31:35,736
It's funny stuff.
817
00:31:35,770 --> 00:31:38,205
Who gets angry at balloons?
818
00:31:38,239 --> 00:31:39,573
Good talk.
819
00:31:44,312 --> 00:31:45,713
What's all this?
820
00:31:45,747 --> 00:31:48,182
I'm just reading back through
some of our old projects,
821
00:31:48,216 --> 00:31:51,685
trying to figure out what
happened that made you quit.
822
00:31:51,720 --> 00:31:52,886
Good God, woman.
823
00:31:52,921 --> 00:31:54,788
This is a code.
824
00:31:54,823 --> 00:31:56,790
I am going to break it.
825
00:31:56,825 --> 00:32:00,027
And this is my best shot.
826
00:32:00,061 --> 00:32:01,628
Is that nuclear waste?
827
00:32:01,663 --> 00:32:04,331
No, this is my job application
from when you hired me.
828
00:32:04,365 --> 00:32:05,499
How did you get that?
829
00:32:05,533 --> 00:32:07,968
Freedom of Information Act
request.
830
00:32:08,002 --> 00:32:09,536
But here's the thing.
I've never read it.
831
00:32:09,571 --> 00:32:11,505
This application contains
832
00:32:11,539 --> 00:32:14,174
your very first impressions
of me.
833
00:32:14,209 --> 00:32:16,276
It's the Rosetta Stone, Ron.
834
00:32:16,311 --> 00:32:18,946
The beginning of
the whole shebang.
835
00:32:20,615 --> 00:32:22,449
This is all you wrote?
836
00:32:22,484 --> 00:32:23,650
Three lousy lines?
837
00:32:23,685 --> 00:32:25,986
Why would anyone need
more than three lines?
838
00:32:26,021 --> 00:32:28,856
I'm describing a person,
not something complicated
839
00:32:28,890 --> 00:32:31,959
like a wooden sailing ship
or proper dovetail technique.
840
00:32:31,993 --> 00:32:33,360
I forgot what I wrote.
841
00:32:33,395 --> 00:32:34,695
Can I hear it?
842
00:32:34,729 --> 00:32:36,363
Why don't you read it yourself?
843
00:32:36,398 --> 00:32:38,866
"Leslie Knope
is an absurd idealist
844
00:32:38,900 --> 00:32:39,933
"whose political leanings
845
00:32:39,968 --> 00:32:42,569
are slightly to the left
of Leon Trotsky."
846
00:32:42,604 --> 00:32:44,605
So far, so accurate.
847
00:32:44,639 --> 00:32:45,873
"If we were to work together,
848
00:32:45,907 --> 00:32:47,675
"she would undoubtedly
drive me insane,
849
00:32:47,709 --> 00:32:50,744
and it is possible that
we would murder each other."
850
00:32:54,015 --> 00:32:55,175
You forgot the last sentence.
851
00:32:55,183 --> 00:32:56,150
No, I didn't.
852
00:32:56,184 --> 00:32:58,619
I remember that part.
853
00:32:58,653 --> 00:33:01,355
It says, "Hire her."
854
00:33:02,424 --> 00:33:03,490
Did you hear that?
855
00:33:03,525 --> 00:33:05,125
Oh, it's--
it's a person.
856
00:33:05,160 --> 00:33:06,660
It's another person!
857
00:33:06,695 --> 00:33:08,028
Hello! Hello!
858
00:33:08,062 --> 00:33:10,130
- Janitor!
- Hey!
859
00:33:10,165 --> 00:33:11,832
- Hey, we're trapped in here!
- Hey!
860
00:33:11,866 --> 00:33:15,936
♪ The best thing
about being a woman ♪
861
00:33:15,971 --> 00:33:17,271
♪ Is the prerogative ♪
862
00:33:17,305 --> 00:33:18,405
Please, Mr. Janitor.
863
00:33:18,440 --> 00:33:20,407
If you just look over here
for two seconds,
864
00:33:20,442 --> 00:33:21,375
I'll do anything.
865
00:33:21,409 --> 00:33:22,443
Hey!
866
00:33:22,477 --> 00:33:23,477
I'll watch a foreign film.
867
00:33:23,511 --> 00:33:25,579
I'll talk to a man
with a ponytail.
868
00:33:25,613 --> 00:33:29,216
Oh, he's gone, Ron.
He's gone.
869
00:33:30,785 --> 00:33:33,354
Why did you give me the job?
870
00:33:33,388 --> 00:33:34,421
And that's what I don't get.
871
00:33:34,456 --> 00:33:35,856
We should've never
worked together.
872
00:33:35,890 --> 00:33:37,124
Why did you hire me?
873
00:33:37,158 --> 00:33:38,759
Because of your interview.
874
00:33:38,793 --> 00:33:40,561
Okay, that doesn't make
any sense.
875
00:33:40,595 --> 00:33:42,696
I mean,
I remember that interview.
876
00:33:42,731 --> 00:33:45,566
You were wearing
that exact outfit.
877
00:33:45,600 --> 00:33:48,535
And you said to me, "Ms. Knope,
I have one question for you.
878
00:33:48,570 --> 00:33:51,038
What do you believe the role
of government is in America?"
879
00:33:51,072 --> 00:33:52,840
You blathered on for ten minutes
880
00:33:52,874 --> 00:33:56,243
about social safety nets
and honest governance
881
00:33:56,278 --> 00:33:57,745
and improving lives.
882
00:33:57,779 --> 00:33:59,113
Basic nonsense.
883
00:33:59,147 --> 00:34:01,467
Then you said, "Everything
that just came out of your mouth
884
00:34:01,483 --> 00:34:02,816
"is basic nonsense.
885
00:34:02,851 --> 00:34:03,784
Good day."
886
00:34:03,818 --> 00:34:04,918
And that was it.
887
00:34:04,953 --> 00:34:06,787
No, that was not it.
888
00:34:06,821 --> 00:34:08,222
After I said
you were full of it,
889
00:34:08,256 --> 00:34:10,724
you got very angry
and scrunched up your face
890
00:34:10,759 --> 00:34:13,594
and said, "Excuse me, sir,
but I disagree."
891
00:34:14,963 --> 00:34:17,031
Did you let me have it.
892
00:34:17,065 --> 00:34:19,333
That was one of
your top ten tirades, I'd say.
893
00:34:19,367 --> 00:34:21,502
You were pounding your fist
and shaking.
894
00:34:21,536 --> 00:34:23,404
You called me a heartless thug.
895
00:34:23,438 --> 00:34:25,039
I most certainly did not.
896
00:34:25,073 --> 00:34:27,574
You were tough and honest,
897
00:34:27,609 --> 00:34:29,476
and you stood up
for what you believed in,
898
00:34:29,511 --> 00:34:32,112
even though it might've killed
your chance to get the job.
899
00:34:32,147 --> 00:34:34,481
I would rather work
with a person like that
900
00:34:34,516 --> 00:34:38,352
than with
a milquetoast yes-man.
901
00:34:38,386 --> 00:34:40,387
Should be one more thing
in that file.
902
00:34:40,422 --> 00:34:42,089
Aw, it's the thank-you note
I wrote to you
903
00:34:42,123 --> 00:34:43,290
after the interview.
904
00:34:43,324 --> 00:34:44,325
You kept it.
905
00:34:44,359 --> 00:34:46,160
"Dear Mr. Swanson,
I'm sorry
906
00:34:46,194 --> 00:34:48,328
"for raising my voice
in the interview,
907
00:34:48,363 --> 00:34:50,123
and I'm sorry
I called you a heartless thug."
908
00:34:50,131 --> 00:34:51,799
Oh, well, okay.
There you go.
909
00:34:51,833 --> 00:34:53,467
"If it matters,
I promise I would never
910
00:34:53,501 --> 00:34:55,836
raise my voice at you
if we worked together."
911
00:34:55,870 --> 00:34:56,937
Liar.
912
00:34:56,971 --> 00:34:59,173
Yeah, I was being
really optimistic.
913
00:34:59,207 --> 00:35:00,908
"Please enjoy
these homemade brownies
914
00:35:00,942 --> 00:35:02,076
"as a gesture of goodwill.
915
00:35:02,110 --> 00:35:03,944
Leslie Knope."
916
00:35:03,979 --> 00:35:06,513
That was the real reason
I hired you.
917
00:35:06,548 --> 00:35:08,916
Those brownies were damn good.
918
00:35:08,950 --> 00:35:11,251
Ron, look how far we've come.
919
00:35:11,286 --> 00:35:12,953
We're doing so great.
920
00:35:12,988 --> 00:35:14,388
Let's just bring it home, okay?
921
00:35:14,422 --> 00:35:15,756
Let's just talk about
our issues.
922
00:35:15,790 --> 00:35:17,291
- Leslie, don't push it.
- Okay, fine.
923
00:35:17,325 --> 00:35:20,194
If I guess and guess right,
you have to tell me.
924
00:35:20,228 --> 00:35:22,096
Ready?
925
00:35:22,130 --> 00:35:25,432
Two years ago, you found out
you were 1/4 French,
926
00:35:25,467 --> 00:35:26,834
and you had a nervous breakdown.
927
00:35:26,868 --> 00:35:29,837
Okay, playtime is over.
928
00:35:29,871 --> 00:35:31,972
I'm getting out of here
once and for all.
929
00:35:32,006 --> 00:35:33,073
No, Ron! God, no!
930
00:35:35,443 --> 00:35:38,045
That alarm is just
for sprinklers.
931
00:35:38,079 --> 00:35:39,146
April kept pulling it,
932
00:35:39,180 --> 00:35:41,348
so the fire department
disconnected it.
933
00:35:41,383 --> 00:35:42,583
I see.
934
00:35:49,094 --> 00:35:51,695
Ron? I found some towels.
935
00:35:51,730 --> 00:35:54,531
You okay?
936
00:35:54,566 --> 00:35:56,365
Wow.
937
00:35:56,485 --> 00:35:58,884
Apparently,
Craig is studying yoga.
938
00:35:59,238 --> 00:36:01,239
These are the only
dry clothes I could find.
939
00:36:01,274 --> 00:36:02,975
Well, you look great.
940
00:36:03,009 --> 00:36:04,176
I feel extremely angry.
941
00:36:04,210 --> 00:36:05,644
Oh, come on.
942
00:36:05,678 --> 00:36:07,145
Stop whining, you big baby.
943
00:36:07,180 --> 00:36:09,214
I've seen you
with your eyebrows blown off.
944
00:36:09,248 --> 00:36:10,882
I've seen you
without a mustache.
945
00:36:10,917 --> 00:36:11,950
I've seen it all.
946
00:36:11,985 --> 00:36:13,251
There's nowhere to run, Ron.
947
00:36:13,286 --> 00:36:15,854
You have tried every possible
means of escape.
948
00:36:15,888 --> 00:36:18,290
There's nothing to do but talk.
949
00:36:18,324 --> 00:36:19,458
What happened
950
00:36:19,492 --> 00:36:23,128
to these "workplace proximity
associates"?
951
00:36:23,162 --> 00:36:24,296
Hmm?
952
00:36:24,330 --> 00:36:26,932
Spill it.
953
00:36:26,966 --> 00:36:29,501
You left.
954
00:36:29,535 --> 00:36:32,170
Then a month later,
you took Terry with you.
955
00:36:32,205 --> 00:36:33,972
Yeah, well, we needed
a mindless factotum,
956
00:36:34,006 --> 00:36:35,674
and he's the best there is.
957
00:36:35,708 --> 00:36:38,110
Amen.
958
00:36:38,144 --> 00:36:40,546
Then you took April.
959
00:36:40,580 --> 00:36:43,181
I didn't want her to go,
as she had become
960
00:36:43,216 --> 00:36:46,551
one of my closest
workplace acquaintances.
961
00:36:46,586 --> 00:36:48,387
But your offer was too good
to pass up,
962
00:36:48,421 --> 00:36:50,322
so I didn't try to stop her.
963
00:36:50,356 --> 00:36:52,824
Then Tom left
to run his business.
964
00:36:52,859 --> 00:36:54,693
Donna left to run hers.
965
00:36:54,727 --> 00:36:56,695
One day, I looked up.
966
00:36:56,729 --> 00:36:58,997
Just didn't recognize anyone.
967
00:36:59,032 --> 00:37:01,900
So I made a decision.
968
00:37:01,934 --> 00:37:04,136
An unthinkable decision.
969
00:37:05,805 --> 00:37:06,738
Hey.
970
00:37:06,773 --> 00:37:08,206
Well, my, my, my.
971
00:37:08,241 --> 00:37:09,241
Do my eyes deceive me?
972
00:37:09,275 --> 00:37:10,909
Is that Ron Swanson?
973
00:37:10,943 --> 00:37:12,711
Hello, Leslie.
974
00:37:12,745 --> 00:37:13,946
Hello, April. Larry.
975
00:37:13,980 --> 00:37:14,947
It's Terry now.
976
00:37:14,981 --> 00:37:16,214
Okay.
977
00:37:16,249 --> 00:37:17,749
- As luck would have it--
- One second. Oh.
978
00:37:17,784 --> 00:37:19,317
Did you talk to Randy
about the vote?
979
00:37:19,352 --> 00:37:21,453
Tell the Northeast that
we need to put pressure on them,
980
00:37:21,487 --> 00:37:22,788
or else we're gonna be waiting
forever,
981
00:37:22,822 --> 00:37:24,089
and I'm tired of waiting
on them, okay?
982
00:37:24,123 --> 00:37:25,490
Sorry.
This is a crazy day.
983
00:37:25,525 --> 00:37:26,886
So what's up with you,
you big lug?
984
00:37:26,893 --> 00:37:28,026
Nothing important.
985
00:37:28,061 --> 00:37:30,362
Just thought you might want
to have lunch.
986
00:37:30,396 --> 00:37:31,797
- Tomorrow?
- I would love to.
987
00:37:31,831 --> 00:37:34,766
It's been too long.
JJ's Diner, 12:30?
988
00:37:34,801 --> 00:37:36,735
- Excellent. See you then.
- Okay.
989
00:37:36,769 --> 00:37:39,204
So Randy says
the House is voting tomorrow,
990
00:37:39,238 --> 00:37:41,039
and they need us in Washington
to prep.
991
00:37:41,074 --> 00:37:42,174
Oh, my God, really?
992
00:37:42,208 --> 00:37:43,742
Okay, get us the first flight
out of here
993
00:37:43,776 --> 00:37:44,810
and grab the Missouri files.
994
00:37:44,844 --> 00:37:46,745
Meet me at my car.
995
00:37:46,779 --> 00:37:49,214
Hey, babe.
I got to go to Washington.
996
00:37:49,248 --> 00:37:51,083
Can you pick up the kids?
997
00:37:51,117 --> 00:37:52,884
Oh. Oh, no.
998
00:37:52,919 --> 00:37:55,120
Ron, I stood you up for lunch.
999
00:37:55,154 --> 00:37:56,788
You did, yes.
1000
00:37:56,823 --> 00:37:58,757
I waited for a while,
but it was pretty easy
1001
00:37:58,791 --> 00:38:00,225
to figure out what had happened.
1002
00:38:00,260 --> 00:38:02,594
Your life seemed pretty hectic.
1003
00:38:02,629 --> 00:38:04,596
Is that the rest of the story?
1004
00:38:04,631 --> 00:38:06,898
That I stood you up?
1005
00:38:08,768 --> 00:38:10,736
You were going to ask me
something.
1006
00:38:10,770 --> 00:38:12,704
That's why you wanted
to have lunch.
1007
00:38:14,841 --> 00:38:15,841
Ron, you were going--
1008
00:38:15,875 --> 00:38:19,678
- I was gonna ask you for a job.
1009
00:38:19,712 --> 00:38:21,980
In the federal government.
1010
00:38:22,015 --> 00:38:24,449
Just saying it out loud
feels dirty.
1011
00:38:26,486 --> 00:38:28,587
You missed your friends,
1012
00:38:28,621 --> 00:38:30,555
and you wanted to come up
to the third floor
1013
00:38:30,590 --> 00:38:32,057
and work with us again.
1014
00:38:33,559 --> 00:38:36,128
I can't even imagine how hard
that must have been for you.
1015
00:38:36,162 --> 00:38:38,096
God, why didn't I see that?
1016
00:38:38,131 --> 00:38:41,033
Ron, I am so sorry.
1017
00:38:41,067 --> 00:38:43,268
I should've been
a better friend to you.
1018
00:38:43,303 --> 00:38:46,038
Honestly, Leslie, it's fine.
1019
00:38:46,072 --> 00:38:48,774
It was a punctuation mark
on a sentence
1020
00:38:48,808 --> 00:38:50,008
that had already been written.
1021
00:38:50,009 --> 00:38:52,277
My time in
government work was over.
1022
00:38:52,312 --> 00:38:53,912
Sure, I loved
shutting things down
1023
00:38:53,947 --> 00:38:56,748
and bleeding the rotting beast
from the inside.
1024
00:38:56,783 --> 00:38:59,051
Your metaphors are so beautiful.
1025
00:38:59,085 --> 00:39:00,419
But it was time for me to leave,
1026
00:39:00,453 --> 00:39:02,554
and I didn't feel like
explaining why
1027
00:39:02,589 --> 00:39:04,089
to you or anyone.
1028
00:39:04,123 --> 00:39:05,891
Everything that happened
after--
1029
00:39:05,925 --> 00:39:07,125
the fight we had,
1030
00:39:07,160 --> 00:39:09,261
not giving you a heads-up
when my company took on
1031
00:39:09,295 --> 00:39:10,696
the Morningstar development
1032
00:39:10,730 --> 00:39:14,933
and bulldozed
the nurse's old house--
1033
00:39:14,968 --> 00:39:18,070
I do regret that.
1034
00:39:18,104 --> 00:39:20,939
I had a good run here.
1035
00:39:20,974 --> 00:39:25,911
But after you and Tom and Donna
and April and Terry left,
1036
00:39:25,945 --> 00:39:28,146
when I looked around
this office,
1037
00:39:28,181 --> 00:39:30,382
nothing was the same.
1038
00:39:30,416 --> 00:39:32,851
Yeah, well,
there's a way to fix that.
1039
00:39:39,893 --> 00:39:42,327
♪ Laugh with me, buddy ♪
1040
00:39:42,362 --> 00:39:46,198
♪ Jest with me, buddy ♪
1041
00:39:46,232 --> 00:39:50,569
♪ Don't let her
get the best of me, buddy ♪
1042
00:39:50,603 --> 00:39:53,338
♪ Don't ever let me start ♪
1043
00:39:53,373 --> 00:39:56,508
♪ Feelin' lonely ♪
1044
00:39:59,612 --> 00:40:05,017
♪ If I ever needed you, buddy ♪
1045
00:40:05,051 --> 00:40:10,689
♪ You know now
I really do, buddy ♪
1046
00:40:10,723 --> 00:40:13,358
♪ Don't ever let me start ♪
1047
00:40:13,393 --> 00:40:16,695
♪ Feelin' lonely ♪
1048
00:40:20,466 --> 00:40:22,167
♪ It's got a new queen ♪
1049
00:40:22,201 --> 00:40:23,869
♪ Everybody really mean ♪
1050
00:40:23,903 --> 00:40:26,638
♪ We didn't start the fire ♪
1051
00:40:26,673 --> 00:40:30,809
♪ It was always burning
since the world's been turning ♪
1052
00:40:30,843 --> 00:40:33,879
Well, this is different
from what I expected to find.
1053
00:40:33,913 --> 00:40:35,080
♪ Fire ♪
1054
00:40:35,114 --> 00:40:37,549
Oh. Morning, guys.
1055
00:40:37,584 --> 00:40:38,984
Good morning, Leslie.
1056
00:40:39,018 --> 00:40:40,352
What did you do to the office?
1057
00:40:40,386 --> 00:40:42,120
Ron, you're wearing
my yoga clothes.
1058
00:40:42,155 --> 00:40:43,455
You're gonna stretch out
the elastic.
1059
00:40:43,489 --> 00:40:45,591
We're sorry.
1060
00:40:48,728 --> 00:40:50,863
♪ Fire and money and people ♪
1061
00:40:53,289 --> 00:40:54,214
Hey.
1062
00:40:54,317 --> 00:40:56,415
I moved our meetings to tomorrow
1063
00:40:56,535 --> 00:41:00,872
because you are drunk
and hungover simultaneously
1064
00:41:00,906 --> 00:41:02,240
at 2:00 in the afternoon.
1065
00:41:02,274 --> 00:41:04,075
Yeah. Good call.
1066
00:41:04,109 --> 00:41:06,143
Also, you have a visitor.
1067
00:41:06,178 --> 00:41:07,678
No, whoever it is,
I have zero interest in--
1068
00:41:07,713 --> 00:41:08,679
- Hello.
1069
00:41:08,714 --> 00:41:10,081
Ron!
1070
00:41:10,115 --> 00:41:11,949
Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron.
1071
00:41:11,984 --> 00:41:14,652
We just spent 12 hours
together, woman.
1072
00:41:14,686 --> 00:41:15,786
Mm, don't care.
1073
00:41:15,821 --> 00:41:17,321
I have three years' worth
of hugs
1074
00:41:17,356 --> 00:41:19,257
to force upon you
against your will.
1075
00:41:19,291 --> 00:41:21,859
I have a small object for you.
1076
00:41:21,893 --> 00:41:24,829
Call it an official
peace offering, I suppose.
1077
00:41:24,863 --> 00:41:27,165
Wow.
This is very sweet.
1078
00:41:27,199 --> 00:41:30,034
But you do realize I gave you
this picture six hours ago.
1079
00:41:30,068 --> 00:41:31,936
The frame is the gift.
1080
00:41:31,970 --> 00:41:34,705
When my company took on
the Morningstar development,
1081
00:41:34,740 --> 00:41:38,609
and I realized it meant
bulldozing Ann's old house,
1082
00:41:38,644 --> 00:41:40,378
I salvaged her front door.
1083
00:41:40,412 --> 00:41:41,445
Then I stripped off
1084
00:41:41,480 --> 00:41:44,115
all the terrible paint
and lacquer--
1085
00:41:44,149 --> 00:41:46,817
people really don't know
how to finish wood properly--
1086
00:41:46,852 --> 00:41:49,387
and I made it into
this frame for you
1087
00:41:49,421 --> 00:41:53,925
in the event that
you and I ever...
1088
00:41:53,959 --> 00:41:54,959
Ron.
1089
00:41:54,993 --> 00:41:56,994
You big, fat, giant sap.
1090
00:41:57,029 --> 00:41:58,963
That seems unnecessary.
1091
00:41:58,997 --> 00:42:00,197
I love it.
1092
00:42:00,232 --> 00:42:01,232
But I feel bad.
1093
00:42:01,266 --> 00:42:03,067
I don't have anything for you.
1094
00:42:03,101 --> 00:42:05,203
I--For the first time
in my life,
1095
00:42:05,237 --> 00:42:06,504
I am present-less.
1096
00:42:06,538 --> 00:42:08,139
How 'bout you buy me a meal?
1097
00:42:08,173 --> 00:42:09,140
You hungry?
1098
00:42:09,174 --> 00:42:10,575
I'm starving.
1099
00:42:10,609 --> 00:42:12,677
April, Ron and I
are going to JJ's
1100
00:42:12,711 --> 00:42:14,045
to eat too much breakfast food.
1101
00:42:14,079 --> 00:42:16,113
Why does anybody in the world
1102
00:42:16,148 --> 00:42:18,983
ever eat anything
but breakfast food?
1103
00:42:19,017 --> 00:42:20,751
People are idiots, Ron.
1104
00:42:20,871 --> 00:42:23,851
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com