1 00:00:01,019 --> 00:00:04,088 So what do we got so far? We need big-ticket items. 2 00:00:04,208 --> 00:00:05,408 I got the Red Hot Chili Peppers 3 00:00:05,409 --> 00:00:06,676 to send us a signed guitar. 4 00:00:06,710 --> 00:00:08,411 That's great, April. How'd you do that? 5 00:00:08,445 --> 00:00:11,214 It's a long story, but the short version is, 6 00:00:11,248 --> 00:00:13,649 I'm currently catfishing Anthony Kiedis. 7 00:00:13,684 --> 00:00:15,985 We're throwing a charity auction to raise money 8 00:00:16,019 --> 00:00:16,986 for the unity concert, 9 00:00:17,021 --> 00:00:18,855 and we're gonna need it too, 10 00:00:18,889 --> 00:00:20,857 if I'm gonna perform Islands In the Stream 11 00:00:20,891 --> 00:00:23,226 with a Sacagawea hologram. 12 00:00:23,260 --> 00:00:24,994 Plus, we need lights, generators, 13 00:00:25,028 --> 00:00:27,663 microphones, water, that boring stuff too. 14 00:00:27,698 --> 00:00:28,898 Why don't we put a pin in this? 15 00:00:28,899 --> 00:00:30,666 'Cause we have to do that thing. 16 00:00:30,701 --> 00:00:31,934 Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, okay. 17 00:00:31,969 --> 00:00:33,169 - All right, yep. - Just, like-- 18 00:00:33,203 --> 00:00:35,404 Everybody, keep working. We'll be back. 19 00:00:35,439 --> 00:00:38,841 Andy, hey, you haven't told anyone about the baby, right? 20 00:00:38,876 --> 00:00:42,578 No, but my brain is about to explode from stress. 21 00:00:42,613 --> 00:00:43,893 I am not good at keeping secrets. 22 00:00:43,914 --> 00:00:45,581 That's exactly what I told Kyle when he told me 23 00:00:45,616 --> 00:00:46,816 his wife was cheating on him. 24 00:00:46,850 --> 00:00:49,552 - Andy, come on! - Ah! See? Oh! 25 00:00:49,586 --> 00:00:51,621 - Not cool, man. - Not him, not that Kyle. 26 00:00:51,655 --> 00:00:54,390 Okay, we are going to have a doctor's appointment, 27 00:00:54,425 --> 00:00:55,792 and then after that, we can probably tell people. 28 00:00:55,826 --> 00:00:57,059 So just hang in there, please. 29 00:00:57,094 --> 00:00:59,395 I can do this. People do this. People keep secrets. 30 00:00:59,430 --> 00:01:01,831 My neighbor Eric-- he's kept a secret for 20 years. 31 00:01:01,865 --> 00:01:03,733 He's in Witness Protection. 32 00:01:03,767 --> 00:01:05,301 Okay. 33 00:01:05,335 --> 00:01:08,304 [Triumphant music] 34 00:01:08,338 --> 00:01:16,345 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 35 00:01:25,522 --> 00:01:27,790 - You wanted to see me? - Yes. 36 00:01:27,825 --> 00:01:31,594 I need to ask you for a... 37 00:01:31,628 --> 00:01:32,728 favor. 38 00:01:32,763 --> 00:01:35,998 [Shouts] What? Ron Swanson asking for help? 39 00:01:36,033 --> 00:01:38,901 Keep your voice down, woman! 40 00:01:38,936 --> 00:01:41,871 Part of the unity concert is a youth revue 41 00:01:41,905 --> 00:01:43,673 about the history of Pawnee. 42 00:01:43,707 --> 00:01:45,842 They require volunteers, so I want you 43 00:01:45,876 --> 00:01:48,611 to come with me to my daughters'... 44 00:01:48,645 --> 00:01:51,047 public elementary school 45 00:01:51,081 --> 00:01:52,682 to help make costumes. 46 00:01:52,716 --> 00:01:54,517 The elementary school. 47 00:01:54,551 --> 00:01:56,752 I'll do you this solid, but you're gonna have 48 00:01:56,787 --> 00:01:59,322 to keep an eye out for my ex-boyfriend Joe. 49 00:01:59,356 --> 00:02:01,924 He teaches music at that school, and he is a nightmare. 50 00:02:01,959 --> 00:02:04,260 - He's my Tammy. - Your Tammy? 51 00:02:04,294 --> 00:02:07,997 Donna, my two ex-wives are the worst people in the world. 52 00:02:08,031 --> 00:02:10,233 Tammy two once seduced a coroner 53 00:02:10,267 --> 00:02:12,201 and had me declared legally dead 54 00:02:12,236 --> 00:02:14,370 just so she could get a discount on a plane ticket. 55 00:02:14,404 --> 00:02:15,772 When I'm with Joe, 56 00:02:15,806 --> 00:02:19,041 he turns me into a person I don't like or recognize. 57 00:02:19,076 --> 00:02:20,476 I go insane. 58 00:02:20,511 --> 00:02:24,113 All I'm asking is for you to keep him away from me. 59 00:02:24,148 --> 00:02:26,549 I understand this problem well 60 00:02:26,583 --> 00:02:30,520 and agree to this exchange of services. 61 00:02:30,554 --> 00:02:33,456 We need to raise a minimum of $30,000 62 00:02:33,490 --> 00:02:35,892 from the auction, or else the concert's gonna be in trouble. 63 00:02:35,926 --> 00:02:39,195 What else can we auction off? What about those fish? 64 00:02:39,229 --> 00:02:41,664 Think they're valuable? Cover me. 65 00:02:41,698 --> 00:02:43,733 Maybe you should start taking it easy. 66 00:02:43,767 --> 00:02:46,803 You're stressing out for two now. 67 00:02:46,837 --> 00:02:49,038 Hmm, that's actually a pretty decent t-shirt idea. 68 00:02:49,073 --> 00:02:51,207 Babe, I cannot slow down. 69 00:02:51,241 --> 00:02:52,575 The concert is in three weeks. 70 00:02:52,609 --> 00:02:54,811 Look, I feel fine, and if you're worried, 71 00:02:54,845 --> 00:02:57,480 we can just ask Dr. Saperstein what he thinks. 72 00:02:57,514 --> 00:03:00,283 Someone say "Saperstein"? Come on, you two. 73 00:03:00,317 --> 00:03:03,219 Let's saddle you up and put some jelly on the belly. 74 00:03:03,253 --> 00:03:05,254 - He's a little weird. - Mm-hmm. 75 00:03:08,459 --> 00:03:09,892 - Look at me! - Jeez. 76 00:03:09,927 --> 00:03:12,095 Okay, here's what's happening--I want to auction off 77 00:03:12,129 --> 00:03:13,996 a personalized Johnny Karate song tomorrow, 78 00:03:14,031 --> 00:03:15,665 so I need you to come to the auction. 79 00:03:15,699 --> 00:03:16,966 [Sighs] Auction? 80 00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:18,434 Okay, yeah. Let me write that down. 81 00:03:18,469 --> 00:03:21,704 Andy, you already have three Johnny Karate shows tomorrow. 82 00:03:21,738 --> 00:03:23,539 No, not according to my file here. 83 00:03:23,574 --> 00:03:26,042 Oh, I forgot, other hand. Crap. 84 00:03:26,076 --> 00:03:27,777 Okay, we need a better system. 85 00:03:27,811 --> 00:03:30,313 Look, I'll just write down an itinerary for you, 86 00:03:30,347 --> 00:03:31,614 so you can just focus on songs. 87 00:03:31,648 --> 00:03:33,382 Okay, well, you have to catalog all this stuff. 88 00:03:33,417 --> 00:03:34,684 I mean, this is hours' worth of work. 89 00:03:34,718 --> 00:03:36,185 What is that? "Don't tell secret"? 90 00:03:36,220 --> 00:03:37,787 Oh, no, that's not one. 91 00:03:37,821 --> 00:03:39,956 Andy, if you have a secret, you have to tell me. 92 00:03:39,990 --> 00:03:41,023 That's the whole point of marriage. 93 00:03:41,058 --> 00:03:42,291 You get twice the secrets. 94 00:03:42,326 --> 00:03:45,395 Dude, it is nothing. I don't have anything. 95 00:03:45,429 --> 00:03:46,529 I'm not acting weird. 96 00:03:46,563 --> 00:03:48,464 You're acting weird. Excuse me. 97 00:03:48,499 --> 00:03:52,068 I have to get back to work now. 98 00:03:52,102 --> 00:03:53,703 [Breathing heavily] 99 00:03:53,737 --> 00:03:57,039 [Saw whirring] 100 00:03:57,074 --> 00:03:58,040 What are you doing? 101 00:03:58,075 --> 00:03:59,442 I'm getting a picture of you 102 00:03:59,476 --> 00:04:01,477 volunteering at a public elementary school 103 00:04:01,512 --> 00:04:04,814 in case I ever need to blackmail you. 104 00:04:04,848 --> 00:04:06,082 That's Joe, 12:00. 105 00:04:06,116 --> 00:04:08,317 Donna, how are you? 106 00:04:08,352 --> 00:04:10,920 - It's really nice to see you. - Mm-hmm. 107 00:04:10,954 --> 00:04:12,188 Thank you so much for helping out. 108 00:04:12,222 --> 00:04:14,624 These kids are so lucky to have your fashion expertise. 109 00:04:14,658 --> 00:04:17,527 Hello, Joe. My name is Ron Swanson. 110 00:04:17,561 --> 00:04:19,662 I am Donna's work-proximity associate. 111 00:04:19,696 --> 00:04:22,765 Oh, my gosh, Donna has told me so much about you. 112 00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:24,734 It's nice to put a face to the name. 113 00:04:24,768 --> 00:04:26,636 Mm-hmm. [School bell rings] 114 00:04:26,670 --> 00:04:29,439 Well, I gotta get back to my classroom. 115 00:04:29,473 --> 00:04:31,741 It's a pleasure to meet you, Ron. 116 00:04:31,775 --> 00:04:33,643 And if either of you guys need anything at all today, 117 00:04:33,677 --> 00:04:35,311 please do not hesitate to ask, okay? 118 00:04:35,345 --> 00:04:37,413 - I'm onto you, friend. - What? 119 00:04:37,448 --> 00:04:39,015 Tread lightly. 120 00:04:39,049 --> 00:04:41,050 Okay. 121 00:04:42,553 --> 00:04:44,287 Now, Ben wants me to slow down, 122 00:04:44,321 --> 00:04:46,155 but I have this huge project coming up, 123 00:04:46,190 --> 00:04:49,358 and slowing down isn't really my jam. 124 00:04:49,393 --> 00:04:51,194 Your body is going through some changes, 125 00:04:51,228 --> 00:04:52,995 but you're a healthy gal, right, Leslie? 126 00:04:53,030 --> 00:04:55,431 There is no reason for you not to be yourself. 127 00:04:55,466 --> 00:04:56,799 [Laughs] I win. 128 00:04:56,834 --> 00:04:59,035 - It wasn't a competition. - All right. 129 00:04:59,069 --> 00:05:00,937 Let's see what's going down in baby town. 130 00:05:00,971 --> 00:05:02,271 [Beep] [Leslie and Dr. Saperstein gasp] 131 00:05:02,306 --> 00:05:03,539 There's your healthy baby. 132 00:05:03,574 --> 00:05:05,975 Oh, wow. 133 00:05:06,010 --> 00:05:08,544 Oh, and there's another one. 134 00:05:08,579 --> 00:05:10,613 The baby has two bodies? 135 00:05:10,647 --> 00:05:13,382 Twins. Ben, we're having twins. 136 00:05:13,417 --> 00:05:15,952 [Laughs] 137 00:05:15,986 --> 00:05:18,988 No, you're not, 'cause look who's hiding over here. 138 00:05:20,357 --> 00:05:23,025 Triplets? Triplets? 139 00:05:23,060 --> 00:05:25,228 And here's a fourth. I'm so sorry, no. 140 00:05:25,262 --> 00:05:26,863 It's a little fleck of cream cheese on the screen. 141 00:05:26,897 --> 00:05:29,132 - [Sighs] - Just triplets. 142 00:05:29,166 --> 00:05:31,467 Wow, you guys really dodged a bullet. 143 00:05:31,502 --> 00:05:34,203 Can you imagine raising four children at one time? 144 00:05:34,238 --> 00:05:36,839 Ha, a nightmare. 145 00:05:36,874 --> 00:05:40,455 - Triplets. - Triplets. 146 00:05:43,210 --> 00:05:44,426 I can't believe it. 147 00:05:44,478 --> 00:05:46,459 We knocked it out of the park on the first try. 148 00:05:46,579 --> 00:05:48,351 If we do this right, we can be parents 149 00:05:48,471 --> 00:05:50,472 to 1/3 of the supreme court! 150 00:05:50,506 --> 00:05:53,275 - This is insane. - This is amazing. 151 00:05:53,309 --> 00:05:54,876 I always knew we were one in a million, 152 00:05:54,911 --> 00:05:55,911 and now we got the proof! 153 00:05:55,962 --> 00:05:58,014 Well, actually, one in 8,000. 154 00:05:58,134 --> 00:06:00,983 Triplets occur a lot more frequently than you imagine, 155 00:06:01,017 --> 00:06:02,251 - especially at your age. - Oh. 156 00:06:02,285 --> 00:06:05,674 Your body is prone to releasing multiple eggs. 157 00:06:05,794 --> 00:06:07,456 It's what we doctors like to call-- 158 00:06:07,490 --> 00:06:09,238 and I don't mean to be insensitive-- 159 00:06:09,436 --> 00:06:11,704 a going-out-of-business sale. 160 00:06:11,739 --> 00:06:14,774 So, doctor, um, what do we-- 161 00:06:14,808 --> 00:06:17,777 like, what do we do? Like, what do we do? 162 00:06:17,811 --> 00:06:21,014 Um, how do we-- how--how--how-- 163 00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:23,078 how-- what do we do? 164 00:06:23,198 --> 00:06:25,485 The first thing you do is, you forget everything 165 00:06:25,519 --> 00:06:27,353 that I said before because you, young lady, 166 00:06:27,388 --> 00:06:31,791 need a lot of rest and especially avoiding stress. 167 00:06:31,825 --> 00:06:34,260 Leslie, I need you to be Buddha on quaaludes, 168 00:06:34,295 --> 00:06:35,828 and, Ben, you are 169 00:06:35,863 --> 00:06:38,498 Matthew McConaughey in a hammock on the beach. 170 00:06:38,532 --> 00:06:42,001 All right, all right. All right. 171 00:06:42,036 --> 00:06:44,470 This is insane. Three kids? 172 00:06:44,505 --> 00:06:47,006 I just multiplied all our future expenses by three, 173 00:06:47,041 --> 00:06:48,341 and you know what happened? 174 00:06:48,375 --> 00:06:50,543 The numbers got a lot higher. 175 00:06:50,578 --> 00:06:52,578 I think I heard the computer laugh at me. 176 00:06:52,613 --> 00:06:54,981 And Saperstein wants us to relax? 177 00:06:55,015 --> 00:06:57,450 Are you ready to go, my gentle dove? 178 00:06:57,484 --> 00:07:01,354 Oh, I will be there in two flaps of a butterfly's wing, 179 00:07:01,388 --> 00:07:03,389 and I love you. 180 00:07:05,326 --> 00:07:07,627 We are so [bleep] screwed. 181 00:07:08,696 --> 00:07:11,898 - [Crying] - Uh-oh. 182 00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:14,400 What did you do now, Joe? 183 00:07:14,435 --> 00:07:16,035 Thank you so much. 184 00:07:16,070 --> 00:07:17,971 We thought we were gonna have to tell Dylan 185 00:07:18,005 --> 00:07:19,606 that his doggie was gone forever. 186 00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:20,640 Oh, my gosh. 187 00:07:20,674 --> 00:07:22,475 Barbara, don't even mention it. 188 00:07:22,509 --> 00:07:24,844 Look, I hate it when my students are upset, 189 00:07:24,878 --> 00:07:27,013 so I just went out, driving around. 190 00:07:27,047 --> 00:07:28,414 I checked a few neighborhood parks. 191 00:07:28,449 --> 00:07:30,183 It took barely six hours. 192 00:07:30,217 --> 00:07:32,018 Oh, how can we ever repay you? 193 00:07:32,052 --> 00:07:34,187 No need. Would you like a muffin? 194 00:07:34,221 --> 00:07:36,256 I made them last night. 195 00:07:38,626 --> 00:07:40,860 It's the best muffin I've ever had. 196 00:07:40,894 --> 00:07:42,328 You're welcome, guys. 197 00:07:42,363 --> 00:07:44,564 You're welcome. Oh. [Patting on the back] 198 00:07:46,333 --> 00:07:48,034 So whose birthday is it anyway? 199 00:07:48,068 --> 00:07:49,402 Oh, who knows? 200 00:07:49,436 --> 00:07:51,604 I got so many kids from different women, 201 00:07:51,639 --> 00:07:53,239 I just get all of their birthdays out of the way 202 00:07:53,274 --> 00:07:56,075 one day a year. 203 00:07:56,110 --> 00:07:57,710 Ladies. [Clears throat] 204 00:07:57,745 --> 00:07:59,178 Okay, so when this ends, 205 00:07:59,213 --> 00:08:00,747 we have a half hour to get to the next party. 206 00:08:00,781 --> 00:08:02,815 That gives us 15 minutes of travel time 207 00:08:02,850 --> 00:08:05,170 and 15 minutes for you to take a wet-nap shower in the car. 208 00:08:05,185 --> 00:08:07,720 - Good, I need one. - Also, tell me your secret. 209 00:08:07,755 --> 00:08:10,623 Babe, don't make me tell. I don't wanna break my promise. 210 00:08:10,658 --> 00:08:12,859 Tell me now. 211 00:08:12,893 --> 00:08:14,560 Oh, jeez, this is heavy. Pardon me. 212 00:08:14,595 --> 00:08:16,529 It's about Larry. 213 00:08:16,564 --> 00:08:19,566 He is very sick. He has some kind of disease. 214 00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:23,069 Oh, so that's why you've been so nice to him 215 00:08:23,103 --> 00:08:24,470 and let him carry all your stuff. 216 00:08:24,505 --> 00:08:27,607 Yes, that's the reason. Good call, babe. 217 00:08:27,641 --> 00:08:29,909 [Clatter] 218 00:08:29,944 --> 00:08:31,611 Jeez. 219 00:08:31,645 --> 00:08:33,713 Poor guy. 220 00:08:33,747 --> 00:08:35,481 Hello, everyone. 221 00:08:35,516 --> 00:08:39,819 Thank you all for coming to this wonderful and calm event. 222 00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:44,424 Our first item up for bid is two all-access V.I.P. passes 223 00:08:44,458 --> 00:08:45,592 to the unity concert. 224 00:08:45,626 --> 00:08:47,493 Let's start the bidding at $40. 225 00:08:47,528 --> 00:08:49,295 Do I hear 40? 226 00:08:49,330 --> 00:08:51,965 Thank you. 40. We can beat this. 50. 227 00:08:51,999 --> 00:08:54,334 Anyone for 50? $50. Thank you, sir. 228 00:08:54,368 --> 00:08:55,568 Terrific. 229 00:08:55,603 --> 00:08:58,071 Any higher? No? 230 00:08:58,105 --> 00:08:59,238 Well, that's fine. 231 00:08:59,273 --> 00:09:02,141 We're all just calm and happy people 232 00:09:02,176 --> 00:09:04,110 enjoying ourselves together on earth. 233 00:09:04,144 --> 00:09:07,180 Sold for $50. How magnificent. 234 00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:09,148 Leslie, that's less than face value. 235 00:09:09,183 --> 00:09:11,584 You need passion, zeal, showmanship. 236 00:09:11,619 --> 00:09:12,619 I don't have the gavel, so I'm powerless. 237 00:09:12,653 --> 00:09:14,420 I respect the hierarchy of the auction! 238 00:09:14,455 --> 00:09:15,755 I think Leslie's doing a great job. 239 00:09:15,789 --> 00:09:17,156 Thank you, Craig. Hey, are you doing all right? 240 00:09:17,191 --> 00:09:18,224 - Yeah. - You want to do some tai chi? 241 00:09:18,258 --> 00:09:19,325 - No, I'm doing really fine. - Okay. 242 00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:21,361 Leslie is already the queen of stress, 243 00:09:21,395 --> 00:09:24,931 so I have to be like her stress shamwow. 244 00:09:24,965 --> 00:09:27,834 I wrap myself around her, I soak up all of her stress, 245 00:09:27,868 --> 00:09:29,068 and then after the kids are born, 246 00:09:29,103 --> 00:09:31,704 someone can squeeze me out into a bucket. 247 00:09:31,739 --> 00:09:33,039 - Ron! - Ron! 248 00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:34,107 Ron, play with us! 249 00:09:34,141 --> 00:09:35,542 - Okay. - Ron, play with us. 250 00:09:35,576 --> 00:09:37,477 Girls, Ron's got sharp tools now. 251 00:09:37,511 --> 00:09:39,178 - Oh, Ron! - Ladies. 252 00:09:39,213 --> 00:09:42,582 ♪ Eyes are watching, ears are listening ♪ 253 00:09:42,616 --> 00:09:45,285 ♪ lips are closed, hands are still ♪ 254 00:09:45,319 --> 00:09:47,320 All: # feet are very quiet # 255 00:09:47,354 --> 00:09:50,890 ♪ you should really try it, listen well, listen well ♪ 256 00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:55,328 That was well played. 257 00:09:55,362 --> 00:09:58,631 Children their age respond positively to melody and rhyme. 258 00:09:58,666 --> 00:09:59,832 They are great girls. 259 00:09:59,867 --> 00:10:02,569 You must feel very lucky to be their stepdad. 260 00:10:02,603 --> 00:10:05,905 I do, indeed. 261 00:10:05,940 --> 00:10:07,307 If you'll excuse me, Joe, 262 00:10:07,341 --> 00:10:10,343 I have to finish hogging out the cheeks on these lap joints. 263 00:10:10,377 --> 00:10:13,513 Oh, maybe you could use this jig I made. 264 00:10:13,547 --> 00:10:14,948 It's just a hardwood clamping block 265 00:10:14,982 --> 00:10:16,349 connected to a small piece of hackberry. 266 00:10:16,383 --> 00:10:19,519 You could use it to locate your cuts for the inside shoulder... 267 00:10:19,553 --> 00:10:22,088 Both: Without having to reset the fence. 268 00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:24,457 Exactly. [Laughs] 269 00:10:24,491 --> 00:10:28,027 Muffin? 270 00:10:29,697 --> 00:10:31,698 Thirsty there, big guy? 271 00:10:31,732 --> 00:10:35,168 Well, jeez, yes. Thank you so much. 272 00:10:35,202 --> 00:10:37,570 Do you remember the time when you put sleeping pills 273 00:10:37,605 --> 00:10:39,572 in my soda? 274 00:10:39,607 --> 00:10:41,240 I fell right over in the middle of a town hall meeting. 275 00:10:41,275 --> 00:10:43,876 Mm, no. I don't remember that. 276 00:10:43,911 --> 00:10:47,714 You made a video of it and showed it at my birthday party. 277 00:10:47,748 --> 00:10:48,908 Yes, it went over really big. 278 00:10:48,916 --> 00:10:52,385 Well, I'm sorry. 279 00:10:52,419 --> 00:10:55,555 Is there anything I can do to make it up to you? 280 00:10:55,589 --> 00:10:56,789 That's very sweet. 281 00:10:56,824 --> 00:10:58,758 Yeah, um, I have got an itch 282 00:10:58,792 --> 00:11:00,260 that I have not been able to get to all day, 283 00:11:00,294 --> 00:11:02,462 and even against the wall, nothing will do it. 284 00:11:02,496 --> 00:11:04,464 - Would you mind doing that? - No, not at all. 285 00:11:04,498 --> 00:11:07,233 Just--if you could, like-- okay, go up. 286 00:11:07,268 --> 00:11:09,736 Go up the back. [Groans] 287 00:11:09,770 --> 00:11:10,770 Hey, Ben. 288 00:11:10,804 --> 00:11:14,240 Can I just please tell just April? 289 00:11:14,275 --> 00:11:16,009 I am hanging on by a thread over here. 290 00:11:16,043 --> 00:11:18,745 No, just--look, everyone's healthy and fine, 291 00:11:18,779 --> 00:11:20,480 but it's complicated. There's a lot going on. 292 00:11:20,514 --> 00:11:22,081 So just don't say anything to anyone 293 00:11:22,116 --> 00:11:23,683 about anything forever, okay? 294 00:11:23,717 --> 00:11:25,618 [Larry grunting] 295 00:11:25,653 --> 00:11:26,919 Andy? 296 00:11:26,954 --> 00:11:28,321 You can say "Okay." 297 00:11:28,355 --> 00:11:30,924 Okay. Bye. 298 00:11:30,958 --> 00:11:32,158 I didn't mean to say "Bye." 299 00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:34,627 Our next item up for bid is the naming rights 300 00:11:34,662 --> 00:11:36,329 for our children's tent, 301 00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:39,299 so let's start the bidding at $1,000, please. 302 00:11:39,333 --> 00:11:40,667 I'll bid 100 bucks. 303 00:11:40,701 --> 00:11:43,803 1,000? Anyone want to-- 304 00:11:43,837 --> 00:11:45,538 Oh, thank you, madam. 305 00:11:45,572 --> 00:11:47,974 A very wealthy and elegant-looking woman 306 00:11:48,008 --> 00:11:49,709 with a diamond-encrusted eye patch just raised her hand. 307 00:11:49,743 --> 00:11:50,977 Don't look at her. 308 00:11:51,011 --> 00:11:52,879 She doesn't like attention, but she's there. 309 00:11:52,913 --> 00:11:56,215 She's real. So do I hear 2,000? 310 00:11:56,250 --> 00:11:58,851 Ooh, yeah, here we go. 311 00:11:58,886 --> 00:12:00,853 The sheik has thrown his hat into the ring. 312 00:12:00,888 --> 00:12:02,322 - Well... - There's no sheik. 313 00:12:02,356 --> 00:12:03,690 It looks like we've got a real bidding war between... 314 00:12:03,724 --> 00:12:05,325 There's no bidding war. No one's talking... 315 00:12:05,359 --> 00:12:06,693 - An elegant-- - 'Cause there's no sheik, 316 00:12:06,727 --> 00:12:07,961 and there's no old lady with a diamond-- 317 00:12:07,995 --> 00:12:09,329 what is it, a diamond eye patch? 318 00:12:09,363 --> 00:12:10,997 - 3,000, says the gentleman... - There's no 3,000. 319 00:12:11,031 --> 00:12:12,498 With the crazy hat and a monkey on his shoulder. 320 00:12:12,533 --> 00:12:15,034 - It's 100 bucks. It's my bid. - That is outrageous. 321 00:12:15,069 --> 00:12:16,402 That's the only bid out there right now. 322 00:12:16,437 --> 00:12:18,705 Naming rights for the kids' tent go to Jamm Orthodontics 323 00:12:18,739 --> 00:12:21,374 for 100 smackers. 324 00:12:21,408 --> 00:12:23,576 Now that is the steal of the day. 325 00:12:23,611 --> 00:12:25,211 I think it's going great. You want a head massage? 326 00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:27,013 Okay. 327 00:12:27,047 --> 00:12:30,216 So, um, Andy told me what's going on. 328 00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:32,218 Really? Oh. 329 00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:34,854 I was trying to keep it hush-hush. 330 00:12:34,888 --> 00:12:36,422 It's kind of embarrassing. 331 00:12:36,457 --> 00:12:39,192 Well, if you ever need to talk to anyone, I'm here for you. 332 00:12:39,226 --> 00:12:44,264 Or, like, you know, I'm here, standing near you. 333 00:12:44,298 --> 00:12:47,166 Well, earlier today, I was licking icing off of my finger, 334 00:12:47,201 --> 00:12:50,203 and then, boom, I swallow my wedding ring. 335 00:12:50,237 --> 00:12:52,237 And I wish I could say it was the first time, but-- 336 00:12:52,239 --> 00:12:53,206 Wait, wait, wait. 337 00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:56,409 So you're not, like, dying? 338 00:12:56,443 --> 00:12:59,245 No, no, no, I mean, 339 00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:00,480 can it be painful? 340 00:13:00,514 --> 00:13:01,781 Sure, but the good news is, 341 00:13:01,815 --> 00:13:03,215 I've gotten very good at passing it. 342 00:13:03,217 --> 00:13:05,785 It's just a matter of getting out the old colander. 343 00:13:05,819 --> 00:13:07,720 Come on, Pearl, jump in. 344 00:13:07,755 --> 00:13:09,989 Don't make me pull the permits on your rental units. 345 00:13:10,024 --> 00:13:11,891 Hey, all the paperwork on those buildings 346 00:13:11,926 --> 00:13:13,159 are under my dog's name, 347 00:13:13,193 --> 00:13:15,194 so if you got a problem, take it up with Princess. 348 00:13:15,229 --> 00:13:17,830 Honey, why don't you take a whale-sounds break, okay? 349 00:13:17,865 --> 00:13:19,332 I'll finish this up. 350 00:13:19,366 --> 00:13:20,633 Guys, come on, now. 351 00:13:20,668 --> 00:13:23,202 This is signed by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. 352 00:13:23,237 --> 00:13:25,738 Just think about all their great songs, 353 00:13:25,773 --> 00:13:27,340 covering everything from the culture 354 00:13:27,374 --> 00:13:28,741 of Southern California 355 00:13:28,776 --> 00:13:31,711 to drug use in Southern California. 356 00:13:31,745 --> 00:13:33,379 - I'll bid 30 bucks. - Okay. 357 00:13:33,414 --> 00:13:36,616 This is easily worth $500. Come on. 358 00:13:36,650 --> 00:13:38,084 Please, anyone. 359 00:13:38,118 --> 00:13:40,286 We're just trying to raise some money for this concert, 360 00:13:40,321 --> 00:13:42,922 - so no one gets stressed out. - Fine. 361 00:13:42,957 --> 00:13:47,226 50 and another win for Old Herman. 362 00:13:47,261 --> 00:13:48,428 Why would you erase the signatures? 363 00:13:48,462 --> 00:13:50,063 I'm more of a Jack Johnson guy. 364 00:13:50,097 --> 00:13:51,264 Okay, give it back. 365 00:13:51,298 --> 00:13:52,532 If you want it so bad, bid on it. 366 00:13:52,566 --> 00:13:55,034 I don't like the Red Hot Chili Peppers. 367 00:13:55,069 --> 00:13:56,869 It's not even the original lineup. 368 00:13:56,904 --> 00:13:58,071 - Give it back! - [Grunts] 369 00:13:58,105 --> 00:14:00,273 [Screams] Ben! 370 00:14:00,307 --> 00:14:02,408 It's okay. I'm fine. Stay relaxed. 371 00:14:02,443 --> 00:14:03,977 Oh, my God, there's blood everywhere. 372 00:14:04,011 --> 00:14:06,245 Call a doctor! No, call a coroner! 373 00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:07,883 It just got insane! 374 00:14:10,596 --> 00:14:12,063 You have very weak hands. 375 00:14:12,097 --> 00:14:13,097 Why would you say that? 376 00:14:13,098 --> 00:14:14,632 Just making an observation. 377 00:14:14,666 --> 00:14:16,434 Poor Ben. 378 00:14:16,468 --> 00:14:19,503 You know the EMT said that if flea had sent you his bass, 379 00:14:19,538 --> 00:14:20,504 you could've lost a thumb. 380 00:14:20,539 --> 00:14:22,173 I'm totally fine, babe. 381 00:14:22,207 --> 00:14:25,343 Everything is a-okay coolio beans. 382 00:14:25,377 --> 00:14:27,378 - You want to meditate real quick? - No, we do not have time. 383 00:14:27,412 --> 00:14:30,381 We have a concert to save. Excuse me, he's feeling better. 384 00:14:30,415 --> 00:14:33,050 He can go, right, Ann? Damn it. 385 00:14:33,085 --> 00:14:34,285 I wonder if I'll ever stop doing that. 386 00:14:34,319 --> 00:14:36,887 Come on. 387 00:14:36,922 --> 00:14:39,557 I honestly don't care, but I'm just gonna say it. 388 00:14:39,591 --> 00:14:40,758 I like Joe. 389 00:14:40,792 --> 00:14:43,194 He's a nice man who's good with kids, 390 00:14:43,228 --> 00:14:44,996 and he seems to be smart and patient. 391 00:14:45,030 --> 00:14:47,231 I know. That's why he's my Tammy. 392 00:14:47,266 --> 00:14:48,833 I'm a social butterfly. 393 00:14:48,867 --> 00:14:51,602 When we're together, all we do is have sex, 394 00:14:51,637 --> 00:14:53,571 sit on the couch, eat homemade pasta, 395 00:14:53,605 --> 00:14:55,306 - have sex again. - Enough. 396 00:14:55,340 --> 00:14:57,108 He's constantly being respectful, 397 00:14:57,142 --> 00:15:00,611 wanting to spend time with me, trying to "connect" with me. 398 00:15:00,646 --> 00:15:03,114 It's a nightmare. I become boring. 399 00:15:03,148 --> 00:15:06,317 Live your life how you want, 400 00:15:06,351 --> 00:15:10,288 but don't confuse drama with happiness. 401 00:15:11,490 --> 00:15:13,090 So I've been talking to Larry, 402 00:15:13,125 --> 00:15:14,725 and he's definitely not dying. 403 00:15:14,760 --> 00:15:16,560 Technically, we're all dying, 404 00:15:16,595 --> 00:15:18,796 unless you choose the right grail. 405 00:15:18,830 --> 00:15:20,131 It's the dusty one. 406 00:15:20,165 --> 00:15:22,433 Andy, I was nice to Larry. 407 00:15:22,467 --> 00:15:24,936 I scratched his back. I had a conversation with him. 408 00:15:24,970 --> 00:15:26,871 It was horrible. How can you do that to me? 409 00:15:26,905 --> 00:15:30,041 Fine. I'll tell you the secret. 410 00:15:30,075 --> 00:15:32,109 - Ben's dog is dying. - Lie. 411 00:15:32,144 --> 00:15:35,179 Ben is dying--he has the same disease Larry has. 412 00:15:35,213 --> 00:15:36,480 - Leslie is dying. - No. 413 00:15:36,515 --> 00:15:37,782 - They're both dying. - No. 414 00:15:37,816 --> 00:15:39,817 I'm dying. 415 00:15:39,851 --> 00:15:41,953 - Chris and Ann are moving. - They already moved. 416 00:15:41,987 --> 00:15:46,324 They're moving again to China...town in France. 417 00:15:46,358 --> 00:15:47,792 - No! - Okay, fine. 418 00:15:47,826 --> 00:15:49,226 - Do you really want to know? - Yes. 419 00:15:49,261 --> 00:15:51,295 - Leslie is a spy. - No. 420 00:15:51,330 --> 00:15:52,891 Tom has something wrong with his butt. 421 00:15:52,898 --> 00:15:54,098 - Oh, my God. - What? 422 00:15:54,132 --> 00:15:55,499 Did you hear that? They need an encore. 423 00:15:55,534 --> 00:15:57,535 Honey, they want--the kids want an encore, I'm sorry. 424 00:15:57,569 --> 00:15:59,136 What song should we do? You wanna do Toots? 425 00:15:59,171 --> 00:16:01,606 I hope you don't mind, but I noticed that 426 00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:03,074 your right rear tire was a little flat, 427 00:16:03,108 --> 00:16:05,810 so I patched it, and I inflated it for you. 428 00:16:05,844 --> 00:16:07,712 But you're still gonna want to go to a garage 'cause I don't-- 429 00:16:07,746 --> 00:16:09,380 - I like to do things. - Excuse me. 430 00:16:09,414 --> 00:16:12,083 Museums, opera, nightclubs. 431 00:16:12,117 --> 00:16:15,486 Sometimes I disappear for a day or two 'cause I'm fly-fishing 432 00:16:15,520 --> 00:16:17,355 or I'm at a Seattle Sounders game. 433 00:16:17,389 --> 00:16:20,191 I promise not to cheat on you 434 00:16:20,225 --> 00:16:24,462 if you promise not to try to pin me down too fast. 435 00:16:24,496 --> 00:16:26,797 I have no problem with that. 436 00:16:26,832 --> 00:16:29,066 You can take me to dinner Friday. 437 00:16:29,101 --> 00:16:31,469 I have only one request-- 438 00:16:31,503 --> 00:16:34,205 that you wear that, uh, red thing. 439 00:16:34,239 --> 00:16:35,439 I'll wear that red thing 440 00:16:35,474 --> 00:16:40,411 when you deserve to see me in that red thing. 441 00:16:40,445 --> 00:16:43,147 [Clears throat] Gotta go make some muffins. 442 00:16:43,181 --> 00:16:45,082 Okay, there's still plenty of ways 443 00:16:45,117 --> 00:16:46,984 to raise money for the concert, right? 444 00:16:47,019 --> 00:16:48,653 Maybe we'll win the lottery. 445 00:16:48,687 --> 00:16:49,987 I mean, hey, you're looking at a woman 446 00:16:50,022 --> 00:16:52,089 who just hit triple cherries in her uterus. 447 00:16:52,124 --> 00:16:53,491 We're screwed. 448 00:16:53,525 --> 00:16:55,326 No, we're not, we have three weeks until the concert. 449 00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:57,094 - It'll be fine. - No, not the concert. 450 00:16:57,129 --> 00:16:58,896 The triple cherries. 451 00:16:58,931 --> 00:17:00,451 I mean, of course it's the most amazing 452 00:17:00,465 --> 00:17:02,233 and wonderful thing to ever happen, 453 00:17:02,267 --> 00:17:03,567 but, okay, I am an accountant, 454 00:17:03,602 --> 00:17:06,871 and I am looking a cold, hard facts. 455 00:17:06,905 --> 00:17:11,108 Raising three kids is going to cost $2 million. 456 00:17:11,143 --> 00:17:12,843 Babe, our kids will be geniuses. 457 00:17:12,878 --> 00:17:14,211 They'll get scholarships. 458 00:17:14,246 --> 00:17:16,480 Half of my tuition was paid for 459 00:17:16,515 --> 00:17:19,450 by the Indiana scholarship for pretty blondes who like to read. 460 00:17:19,484 --> 00:17:22,520 It's now called the Virginia Woolf prize--different time. 461 00:17:22,554 --> 00:17:25,423 Leslie, I have been trying so hard not to stress you out, 462 00:17:25,457 --> 00:17:27,291 but we just spent our entire savings account 463 00:17:27,326 --> 00:17:29,760 on a trip to Paris. 464 00:17:29,795 --> 00:17:30,962 What were we thinking? 465 00:17:30,996 --> 00:17:32,597 We spent too much money on macaroons. 466 00:17:32,631 --> 00:17:33,798 Okay, honey-- 467 00:17:33,832 --> 00:17:35,032 Okay, wait, what's the number for the Louvre? 468 00:17:35,067 --> 00:17:36,347 I mean, maybe I can get a refund. 469 00:17:36,368 --> 00:17:37,568 We barely looked at the Mona Lisa. 470 00:17:37,603 --> 00:17:39,570 Honey, can you just breathe for a second? 471 00:17:39,605 --> 00:17:40,605 Leslie, these numbers are going to determine everything 472 00:17:40,639 --> 00:17:41,606 for the rest of our lives! 473 00:17:41,640 --> 00:17:42,974 - Breathe. - I mean, 474 00:17:43,008 --> 00:17:44,241 maybe we should move because we could make more money, 475 00:17:44,276 --> 00:17:45,643 or maybe we should stay here 476 00:17:45,677 --> 00:17:47,278 because it's cheaper to live here than in Chicago. 477 00:17:47,312 --> 00:17:48,546 Oh, my God! 478 00:17:48,580 --> 00:17:49,981 I'm shamwowing all of your stress, 479 00:17:50,015 --> 00:17:51,215 and there's no one here to wring me out. 480 00:17:51,250 --> 00:17:52,683 - Benjamin Wyatt... - I don't even know-- 481 00:17:52,718 --> 00:17:56,521 The man of my dreams, the one that I love, shh. 482 00:17:56,555 --> 00:17:57,795 Leslie, we are in trouble here. 483 00:17:57,823 --> 00:17:59,323 We are in real trouble! 484 00:17:59,358 --> 00:18:01,459 - [Laughs] I'm so sorry. - What? 485 00:18:01,493 --> 00:18:03,928 You just look so crazy right now, but cute. 486 00:18:03,962 --> 00:18:07,798 You're always stressed out. How are you calm right now? 487 00:18:07,833 --> 00:18:09,967 Because I realized something. 488 00:18:10,002 --> 00:18:11,602 Everything that we have been through-- 489 00:18:11,637 --> 00:18:14,572 the harvest festival, the election, the recall, 490 00:18:14,606 --> 00:18:16,240 the merger, Ann leaving, 491 00:18:16,274 --> 00:18:19,310 Larry changing his name for some stupid reason-- 492 00:18:19,344 --> 00:18:23,681 all of it has just been preparation for this. 493 00:18:23,715 --> 00:18:27,251 I am immune to stress because I have you. 494 00:18:29,154 --> 00:18:31,789 Come on. I have an idea. 495 00:18:34,274 --> 00:18:35,608 [Scraping] 496 00:18:35,642 --> 00:18:38,244 Ron is King Sparkle of Cupcake Forest. 497 00:18:38,278 --> 00:18:40,813 Much obliged. [Ivy and Zoe laugh] 498 00:18:40,847 --> 00:18:43,682 So I'm going to dinner with Joe next week. 499 00:18:43,717 --> 00:18:45,417 Glad to hear it. 500 00:18:45,452 --> 00:18:46,418 It's always nice to see someone 501 00:18:46,453 --> 00:18:47,753 actually change for the better. 502 00:18:47,787 --> 00:18:50,089 Yes, Joe seems like a good man, 503 00:18:50,123 --> 00:18:52,191 but at this point, I'm done talking about him. 504 00:18:52,225 --> 00:18:53,759 I was talking about you. 505 00:18:53,793 --> 00:18:55,728 Your family has made you a more patient 506 00:18:55,762 --> 00:18:57,596 and empathetic person. 507 00:18:57,631 --> 00:18:59,965 - You take that back. - Come on, Swanson. 508 00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:01,534 Did you think even two years ago 509 00:19:01,568 --> 00:19:03,035 you'd be playing matchmaker for me 510 00:19:03,069 --> 00:19:04,670 while wearing a glittery crown? 511 00:19:04,704 --> 00:19:05,938 Now you're a dad. 512 00:19:05,972 --> 00:19:08,074 You care a little, itty bit about your friends. 513 00:19:08,108 --> 00:19:11,310 You're King Sparkle of Cupcake Forest. 514 00:19:11,344 --> 00:19:13,445 It suits you. 515 00:19:21,321 --> 00:19:23,989 Andy, the camo is not working. I can see you. 516 00:19:24,024 --> 00:19:26,992 - [Sighs] Damn, really? - Yes. 517 00:19:27,027 --> 00:19:28,727 Babe, you don't have to hide from me. 518 00:19:28,762 --> 00:19:31,063 I don't care about the secret anymore, okay? 519 00:19:31,097 --> 00:19:33,098 I just thought, when we got married, 520 00:19:33,133 --> 00:19:34,500 we would share everything, 521 00:19:34,534 --> 00:19:37,469 but if you really can't tell me or whatever, it's fine. 522 00:19:37,504 --> 00:19:38,737 I trust you. 523 00:19:38,772 --> 00:19:41,640 It's just that it's a really big secret, 524 00:19:41,675 --> 00:19:44,610 and for once, I wanted to keep my word. 525 00:19:44,644 --> 00:19:45,744 But screw it. 526 00:19:45,779 --> 00:19:47,413 You're more important than anything. 527 00:19:47,447 --> 00:19:48,647 I'm gonna tell you 528 00:19:48,682 --> 00:19:50,182 'cause it's super juicy-- you ready? 529 00:19:50,217 --> 00:19:51,617 Okay. 530 00:19:51,651 --> 00:19:53,419 Everybody, if you could gather around... 531 00:19:53,453 --> 00:19:56,155 They're here--don't try to get it out of me anymore. 532 00:19:56,189 --> 00:19:57,823 The reason I have been acting so weird 533 00:19:57,857 --> 00:19:59,325 is not because I've been waiting 534 00:19:59,359 --> 00:20:02,027 for the results of the soil samples to come back. 535 00:20:02,062 --> 00:20:03,996 Well, jeez, I've been up all night trying to make sure-- 536 00:20:04,030 --> 00:20:05,197 It doesn't matter, Larry. 537 00:20:05,232 --> 00:20:06,699 It was a pointless ruse designed to waste time. 538 00:20:06,733 --> 00:20:10,469 The truth is... I'm pregnant. 539 00:20:10,504 --> 00:20:11,971 [All cheering] 540 00:20:12,005 --> 00:20:14,507 Yes, I did it! I kept a secret. 541 00:20:14,541 --> 00:20:15,774 Congratulations. 542 00:20:15,809 --> 00:20:17,877 I'm sure you will both raise a wonderful child 543 00:20:17,911 --> 00:20:21,180 with whom I will profoundly disagree on nearly everything. 544 00:20:21,214 --> 00:20:23,349 Well, actually, and this is crazy, 545 00:20:23,383 --> 00:20:25,851 but it's children, plural. 546 00:20:25,886 --> 00:20:28,220 - We're having triplets, and... - Shut the-- 547 00:20:28,255 --> 00:20:29,321 - Oh, my God! - A little freaked out about it. 548 00:20:29,356 --> 00:20:30,489 That's amazing. 549 00:20:30,524 --> 00:20:32,358 Babe, I am so glad you didn't tell me. 550 00:20:32,392 --> 00:20:33,959 I know. I'm incredible. 551 00:20:33,994 --> 00:20:35,394 Okay, now listen to me, you two. 552 00:20:35,428 --> 00:20:37,730 Gayle and I have kept everything our girls ever used, 553 00:20:37,764 --> 00:20:40,332 so we have, like, millions of clothes and strollers and-- 554 00:20:40,367 --> 00:20:42,401 - just don't buy a thing, okay? - A triple crib-- 555 00:20:42,435 --> 00:20:44,904 sounds like an interesting woodworking challenge. 556 00:20:44,938 --> 00:20:47,172 Would you like oak or pine? 557 00:20:47,207 --> 00:20:48,707 I'll make both, and you can choose. 558 00:20:48,742 --> 00:20:50,609 My boyf-- my friend Joe 559 00:20:50,644 --> 00:20:52,177 has the hookup at all the good preschools. 560 00:20:52,212 --> 00:20:54,380 Andy and I can babysit anytime, 561 00:20:54,414 --> 00:20:56,482 except for on weekends and nights, 562 00:20:56,516 --> 00:20:58,050 but we're free anytime during work hours. 563 00:20:58,084 --> 00:21:01,253 This is gonna be the happiest time of your life! 564 00:21:01,288 --> 00:21:03,122 Well, I sold everything on the auction list, 565 00:21:03,156 --> 00:21:04,523 no thanks to you people. 566 00:21:04,558 --> 00:21:06,158 What's so wonderful that you're all celebrating 567 00:21:06,193 --> 00:21:07,893 while I do all the hard work? 568 00:21:07,928 --> 00:21:09,328 We're having triplets. 569 00:21:09,362 --> 00:21:11,931 [Laughter] Oh, great. 570 00:21:11,965 --> 00:21:14,400 First my cousin Winona gets into a car accident 571 00:21:14,434 --> 00:21:16,535 the night my one-man show opens, and now this? 572 00:21:16,570 --> 00:21:18,904 Why are my accomplishments always overshadowed? 573 00:21:18,939 --> 00:21:22,775 Congratulations, I suppose. 574 00:21:22,809 --> 00:21:23,876 That's nice of him. 575 00:21:23,910 --> 00:21:25,350 - Yeah, yeah, I'll take that. - Yeah. 576 00:21:25,765 --> 00:21:32,309 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com