1 00:00:00,863 --> 00:00:03,938 We're gonna have some fun tonight, Pawnee! 2 00:00:04,122 --> 00:00:06,606 Who is ready to play 60? 3 00:00:06,657 --> 00:00:07,924 Everybody on the field! 4 00:00:07,959 --> 00:00:10,127 Yeah! 5 00:00:10,161 --> 00:00:13,174 The NFL has a campaign to try to get kids active 6 00:00:13,294 --> 00:00:14,511 for 60 minutes per day. 7 00:00:14,562 --> 00:00:15,946 And so we bused in 8 00:00:15,980 --> 00:00:17,931 a hundred lucky, little buggers from Pawnee. 9 00:00:17,965 --> 00:00:20,517 And they are gonna get a chance to play with the Colts. 10 00:00:20,551 --> 00:00:22,302 Oh! Come on, Reggie! 11 00:00:22,336 --> 00:00:23,616 I told you to run a button hook. 12 00:00:23,637 --> 00:00:24,821 - I did, Leslie. - Okay. 13 00:00:24,856 --> 00:00:25,956 I guess you would know. 14 00:00:25,990 --> 00:00:27,874 A pleasure to see you again, Mr. Luck. 15 00:00:27,908 --> 00:00:29,125 We met briefly last year 16 00:00:29,177 --> 00:00:31,678 - at our friend's bachelor party. - Oh, yeah. Right. 17 00:00:31,712 --> 00:00:32,863 How are you? 18 00:00:32,897 --> 00:00:34,080 I normally don't answer that question, 19 00:00:34,115 --> 00:00:35,699 but since I respect your talent, 20 00:00:35,750 --> 00:00:38,117 I will tell you-- I am fine. 21 00:00:38,135 --> 00:00:39,102 Hi, I'm April. 22 00:00:39,136 --> 00:00:43,356 I stole your wallet. 23 00:00:43,390 --> 00:00:44,724 You guys are weird. 24 00:00:44,742 --> 00:00:46,960 Thank you. 25 00:00:46,994 --> 00:00:47,961 What's up, girl? 26 00:00:47,995 --> 00:00:50,296 Keep walking, 98. 27 00:00:50,314 --> 00:00:52,115 You don't even want to talk to that guy? 28 00:00:52,149 --> 00:00:54,601 - He plays for the NFL. - He's a linebacker. 29 00:00:54,619 --> 00:00:58,221 Skill positions only for Donna Meagle. 30 00:00:58,256 --> 00:00:59,505 I got my Colts beanie, 31 00:00:59,523 --> 00:01:00,473 my Colts scarf, 32 00:01:00,507 --> 00:01:01,892 I got the Colts grill going, 33 00:01:01,943 --> 00:01:04,411 and the crowning glory-- Colts slippies. 34 00:01:04,445 --> 00:01:06,162 How are you going to run in those? 35 00:01:06,214 --> 00:01:08,915 "Run"? Tommy doesn't run. 36 00:01:08,949 --> 00:01:10,217 That's your guys' job. 37 00:01:10,251 --> 00:01:13,320 Now, uh, let's go fetch this football throw, fellas. 38 00:01:15,406 --> 00:01:16,957 I love sports. 39 00:01:19,961 --> 00:01:30,839 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 40 00:01:37,464 --> 00:01:39,763 Check it out, Tom-- the Eagleton reservoir. 41 00:01:39,797 --> 00:01:40,830 Isn't it stunning? 42 00:01:40,865 --> 00:01:42,082 It's just a big dumb pond. 43 00:01:42,116 --> 00:01:43,700 This morning I saw a YouTube clip 44 00:01:43,751 --> 00:01:45,335 of a little puppy riding a motorcycle. 45 00:01:45,369 --> 00:01:47,103 So my bar for "stunning" is pretty high. 46 00:01:47,138 --> 00:01:49,889 What if I told you that this water has fluoride in it? 47 00:01:49,923 --> 00:01:51,908 Then I would tell you the puppy had a little side car 48 00:01:51,943 --> 00:01:53,693 with a piggy in it named Hampton. 49 00:01:53,727 --> 00:01:55,912 First of all, send me a link to that video. 50 00:01:55,963 --> 00:01:58,131 But more importantly, now that we have access 51 00:01:58,149 --> 00:02:00,767 to the Eagleton reservoir and the water-treatment supply, 52 00:02:00,801 --> 00:02:02,769 Pawnee is going to have fluoride in its water 53 00:02:02,787 --> 00:02:04,554 for the first time in our history, 54 00:02:04,588 --> 00:02:06,139 our oral history. 55 00:02:06,173 --> 00:02:07,440 Nailed it. 56 00:02:07,475 --> 00:02:09,515 Of course I'm upset that I lost the recall election. 57 00:02:09,527 --> 00:02:12,078 But I'm just gonna spend the remainder of my term 58 00:02:12,112 --> 00:02:14,848 cramming in as many good projects as I can. 59 00:02:14,882 --> 00:02:17,183 Lame duck? Try flame duck... 60 00:02:17,217 --> 00:02:20,086 'cause this duck is on fire. 61 00:02:20,121 --> 00:02:21,538 It's hard doing stupid government stuff 62 00:02:21,589 --> 00:02:23,006 now that Rent-a-Swag's closed. 63 00:02:23,040 --> 00:02:24,874 I'm a businessman. That's what I was born to do. 64 00:02:24,909 --> 00:02:27,093 Well, look, you just got to make the most of the job 65 00:02:27,111 --> 00:02:28,561 that you have. 66 00:02:28,595 --> 00:02:30,263 Like, take that trash collector. 67 00:02:30,281 --> 00:02:31,998 It's not the most glamorous job in the world, 68 00:02:32,033 --> 00:02:33,917 but he's doing it with a smile on his face. 69 00:02:33,951 --> 00:02:35,669 Oh, my God. 70 00:02:35,703 --> 00:02:37,971 He's not wearing any pants. What's wrong with him? 71 00:02:38,005 --> 00:02:39,806 - Let's get out of here. - He's smiling at us! 72 00:02:39,824 --> 00:02:41,908 Let's go! Run! 73 00:02:41,942 --> 00:02:43,910 What's so exciting, everyone? 74 00:02:43,928 --> 00:02:45,762 Look what Ron made. It's amazing. 75 00:02:45,813 --> 00:02:47,847 Several months ago, I was on a walk 76 00:02:47,865 --> 00:02:49,666 and found my crib tree. 77 00:02:49,700 --> 00:02:52,152 I approached the tree, murdered it, 78 00:02:52,186 --> 00:02:54,087 left it to cure in my woodshop, 79 00:02:54,105 --> 00:02:55,722 and have begun working it into a crib 80 00:02:55,740 --> 00:02:57,407 for my upcoming child. 81 00:02:57,441 --> 00:03:00,243 Ron Swanson, you cannot use this crib. 82 00:03:00,294 --> 00:03:02,545 You're ignoring every known crib-safety standard. 83 00:03:02,596 --> 00:03:04,264 It's all covered in the parenting book I'm reading. 84 00:03:04,298 --> 00:03:06,333 Are you going to crawl my way? By Lenny Kravitz. 85 00:03:06,367 --> 00:03:08,668 My crib will be safe because I'm building it 86 00:03:08,703 --> 00:03:10,120 with my own two hands. 87 00:03:10,171 --> 00:03:11,588 I bought my crib in Bloomington, 88 00:03:11,639 --> 00:03:14,190 and I am confident that it is literally 89 00:03:14,241 --> 00:03:16,443 the safest crib in the explored universe. 90 00:03:16,477 --> 00:03:17,444 Let me take you there, 91 00:03:17,478 --> 00:03:18,928 and you can talk to the salesperson. 92 00:03:18,963 --> 00:03:20,096 Counteroffer-- 93 00:03:20,131 --> 00:03:22,265 you take me nowhere, and I talk to no one. 94 00:03:22,299 --> 00:03:23,350 Counter-counteroffer-- 95 00:03:23,384 --> 00:03:24,984 you come with me, or I make you attend 96 00:03:25,019 --> 00:03:26,986 a four-hour fax cover-sheet protocol meeting. 97 00:03:27,004 --> 00:03:29,806 Either way, it's a win for me. 98 00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:32,776 Next on the docket is a vote to approve 99 00:03:32,810 --> 00:03:34,861 the Pawnee-Eagleton reservoir merger. 100 00:03:34,895 --> 00:03:36,246 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 101 00:03:36,280 --> 00:03:39,332 We're just goosing our water supply with fluoride? 102 00:03:39,366 --> 00:03:40,666 I mean, come on. 103 00:03:40,684 --> 00:03:42,652 Are we really gonna force every Pawnee resident 104 00:03:42,686 --> 00:03:45,438 to ingest a chemical we know nothing about? 105 00:03:45,473 --> 00:03:47,573 Fluoride is used by the communists 106 00:03:47,591 --> 00:03:49,075 to control our minds. 107 00:03:49,093 --> 00:03:50,543 No, it's not. 108 00:03:50,561 --> 00:03:51,861 Fluoride can control minds? 109 00:03:51,896 --> 00:03:54,831 Like, you can use it to make ladies do stuff? 110 00:03:54,865 --> 00:03:56,545 How am I the one that is getting booted off 111 00:03:56,550 --> 00:03:57,467 of this city council? 112 00:03:57,501 --> 00:03:59,419 Okay, fluoride is safe, 113 00:03:59,437 --> 00:04:00,720 it is good for you, 114 00:04:00,738 --> 00:04:03,940 and almost every town in America uses it. 115 00:04:03,991 --> 00:04:05,141 Ah, all right. 116 00:04:05,176 --> 00:04:06,376 You got me. 117 00:04:06,427 --> 00:04:07,877 I don't want fluoride in the water 118 00:04:07,928 --> 00:04:10,480 because I'm a dentist, and I like cavities. 119 00:04:10,514 --> 00:04:11,948 Yeah, that is not a valid reason. 120 00:04:11,982 --> 00:04:13,232 Pawnee's cavity problem 121 00:04:13,250 --> 00:04:15,051 is why a small-town dentist, 122 00:04:15,086 --> 00:04:19,139 like me, can afford such a boss ride. 123 00:04:19,173 --> 00:04:21,491 Got an Asian girl to sit in it once. 124 00:04:21,525 --> 00:04:23,760 Why did we come out here? 125 00:04:23,794 --> 00:04:25,244 Come on, Jamm. 126 00:04:25,262 --> 00:04:27,313 Fluoride in the water-- it's a no-brainer. 127 00:04:27,348 --> 00:04:28,681 Can't you just let me have this one? 128 00:04:28,699 --> 00:04:30,016 No can do, Knopey. 129 00:04:30,034 --> 00:04:32,118 As a matter of fact, I would like to propose 130 00:04:32,152 --> 00:04:34,838 my own bill-- the Pawnee Clean Water Bill, 131 00:04:34,889 --> 00:04:37,307 which prohibits adding anything 132 00:04:37,358 --> 00:04:40,092 to our water supply forever. 133 00:04:40,111 --> 00:04:41,895 Jamm's not going to be able 134 00:04:41,929 --> 00:04:44,297 to kill this reservoir merger, is he? 135 00:04:44,331 --> 00:04:46,866 On my side, I have facts, science, and reason. 136 00:04:46,901 --> 00:04:48,334 All he has is fear-mongering. 137 00:04:48,352 --> 00:04:50,236 Oh, my God, he's gonna win. 138 00:04:50,271 --> 00:04:52,638 Yeah, people get jittery about stuff like this. 139 00:04:52,656 --> 00:04:54,791 Remember last year when no one would get flu shots 140 00:04:54,825 --> 00:04:57,210 'cause there was a rumor they turned you European? 141 00:04:57,244 --> 00:04:58,711 Well, I'll figure something out. 142 00:04:58,729 --> 00:05:00,146 Oh, Jessica's here. I better go. 143 00:05:00,181 --> 00:05:02,015 - Okay, bye. - Hey, sugar butt. 144 00:05:02,049 --> 00:05:05,652 Some lardos in Muncie ate tainted Sweetums toffee sticks 145 00:05:05,686 --> 00:05:08,471 and diarrhea'd so much, they ended up in the hospital. 146 00:05:08,506 --> 00:05:09,472 Ugh. 147 00:05:09,507 --> 00:05:10,640 Can we give their school, 148 00:05:10,691 --> 00:05:12,592 like, a new seesaw or something? 149 00:05:12,610 --> 00:05:13,593 Yeah. 150 00:05:13,611 --> 00:05:15,728 Thanks. 151 00:05:15,746 --> 00:05:18,164 The new site looks good. Nice work. 152 00:05:18,198 --> 00:05:20,233 Oh, my God. These dogs are so cute. 153 00:05:20,267 --> 00:05:22,168 I want to throw up and kill myself. 154 00:05:22,186 --> 00:05:25,438 Animal control had to take in all the pets from Eagleton. 155 00:05:25,472 --> 00:05:27,657 And Crazy Craig used to run all their shelters, 156 00:05:27,708 --> 00:05:29,542 so he helped me make an adoption website 157 00:05:29,576 --> 00:05:30,576 for all the dogs. 158 00:05:30,594 --> 00:05:31,878 If you can look at that site 159 00:05:31,896 --> 00:05:33,217 and not want to take home 50 dogs, 160 00:05:33,230 --> 00:05:35,932 you're basically a war criminal. 161 00:05:37,067 --> 00:05:38,034 See the way that dog 162 00:05:38,085 --> 00:05:39,318 is rolling around in a puddle? 163 00:05:39,336 --> 00:05:41,588 That's something Andy does when he gets hot. 164 00:05:41,622 --> 00:05:42,955 Oh, my God, you're right. 165 00:05:42,973 --> 00:05:44,023 That is so Andy. 166 00:05:44,058 --> 00:05:45,424 Oh, my God. That dog is totally... 167 00:05:45,442 --> 00:05:46,776 Tom! 168 00:05:46,810 --> 00:05:48,027 I don't know why. It doesn't look like him. 169 00:05:48,061 --> 00:05:49,462 But it just is. 170 00:05:49,497 --> 00:05:50,863 It's like the dog is the essence of Tom. 171 00:05:50,881 --> 00:05:52,382 Okay, important meeting 172 00:05:52,433 --> 00:05:53,800 in the conference room right now. 173 00:05:53,834 --> 00:05:56,335 We are going to all pick our spirit dogs. 174 00:05:56,353 --> 00:05:57,987 Oh, I've got to pick up Gayle at the airport. 175 00:05:58,022 --> 00:05:59,605 Larry, I swear to God, 176 00:05:59,623 --> 00:06:01,274 if you leave right now, we will make your spirit dog 177 00:06:01,292 --> 00:06:02,825 a miniature schnauzer. 178 00:06:02,877 --> 00:06:04,427 - Is that bad? - Yes! 179 00:06:04,461 --> 00:06:06,062 Get in there! 180 00:06:06,096 --> 00:06:08,231 Ann found this place. 181 00:06:08,265 --> 00:06:10,033 It's where we bought our "Sounds of Nature" machine. 182 00:06:10,067 --> 00:06:12,652 You bought a machine that replicates 183 00:06:12,686 --> 00:06:14,320 an open window? 184 00:06:14,354 --> 00:06:15,321 Frasier! Chris Traeger. 185 00:06:15,339 --> 00:06:16,506 Do you remember me? 186 00:06:16,540 --> 00:06:17,957 I came in here looking for the Vanna White book 187 00:06:17,991 --> 00:06:19,325 on child care-- 188 00:06:19,343 --> 00:06:21,961 I'd like to solve the puzzle of parenting. 189 00:06:21,995 --> 00:06:23,029 Could you show my friend, Ron, 190 00:06:23,063 --> 00:06:24,631 that amazing crib that you sold me? 191 00:06:24,665 --> 00:06:27,066 The Babylove L'il Sweetheart Safe 4 Ever and Ever model. 192 00:06:27,100 --> 00:06:28,751 Oh, yeah, that thing is a deathtrap. 193 00:06:28,786 --> 00:06:30,403 - I'm sorry? - Just found out this morning-- 194 00:06:30,421 --> 00:06:31,538 it's being recalled. 195 00:06:31,572 --> 00:06:33,406 They found maxicylofentabol in the glue. 196 00:06:33,424 --> 00:06:34,641 Is that good? It sounds bad. 197 00:06:34,675 --> 00:06:36,726 It burned off my fingernails. 198 00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:40,029 I'll be in the car. 199 00:06:40,064 --> 00:06:43,666 Councilwoman Leslie Knope wants to put fluoride, 200 00:06:43,701 --> 00:06:46,119 which is a chemical, into your drinking water. 201 00:06:46,153 --> 00:06:47,720 You know what else is a chemical? 202 00:06:47,755 --> 00:06:50,006 Strychnine and cyanide. 203 00:06:50,057 --> 00:06:51,123 - What? - And dirt... 204 00:06:51,141 --> 00:06:53,626 and rust and even broken glass. 205 00:06:53,644 --> 00:06:55,194 Exactly. 206 00:06:55,229 --> 00:06:56,779 You definitely understand what chemicals are, Perd. 207 00:06:56,814 --> 00:06:59,966 I would suggest if you want to contact the psychopath 208 00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:02,785 that wants to turn your kids into bad-at-math, 209 00:07:02,820 --> 00:07:04,954 communist fluoride zombies, 210 00:07:04,989 --> 00:07:06,856 well, just call the number at the bottom of your screen. 211 00:07:08,709 --> 00:07:09,959 Leslie Knope. 212 00:07:09,994 --> 00:07:11,878 Stop right there. You know what? 213 00:07:11,912 --> 00:07:12,962 Fluoride protects your teeth, 214 00:07:12,997 --> 00:07:14,831 and it's perfectly healthy for you. 215 00:07:14,882 --> 00:07:17,283 Well, if Jamm says that, then he is a lying idiot, 216 00:07:17,301 --> 00:07:19,836 and if you believe it, then so are you. 217 00:07:19,887 --> 00:07:21,137 Whoa. 218 00:07:21,171 --> 00:07:22,972 You just talked to that person like I talk to you. 219 00:07:23,007 --> 00:07:24,140 - You can't do that. - Why not? 220 00:07:24,174 --> 00:07:27,510 What are they gonna do, kick me out of office? 221 00:07:27,561 --> 00:07:29,095 Why did it take me so long to realize this? 222 00:07:29,129 --> 00:07:31,464 There are no consequences to my actions anymore. 223 00:07:31,482 --> 00:07:34,467 No matter what I do, literally nothing bad can happen to me. 224 00:07:34,485 --> 00:07:36,436 I'm like a white, male U.S. senator. 225 00:07:38,138 --> 00:07:41,407 Fluoride is going into the water, moron. 226 00:07:41,442 --> 00:07:44,477 Oh. Hey, mom. Sorry. 227 00:07:44,495 --> 00:07:46,913 Because all it does is prevent cavities! 228 00:07:46,947 --> 00:07:48,448 God! 229 00:07:48,482 --> 00:07:50,583 I expected more from you. 230 00:07:53,197 --> 00:07:55,161 Right. I'm a loose cannon. 231 00:07:55,281 --> 00:07:56,898 We need to fight fire with fire. 232 00:07:56,916 --> 00:07:59,001 I call a town hall meeting, I gather everyone together, 233 00:07:59,035 --> 00:08:00,469 I distribute the binders, 234 00:08:00,503 --> 00:08:03,989 but now the binders are bright yellow! 235 00:08:04,023 --> 00:08:05,657 Om! 236 00:08:07,610 --> 00:08:10,062 - Too extreme? - Too nothing. 237 00:08:10,096 --> 00:08:11,897 Look, Jamm's already ruined fluoride. 238 00:08:11,948 --> 00:08:13,115 Everyone's scared of it. 239 00:08:13,149 --> 00:08:14,433 What if we just called it something else? 240 00:08:14,467 --> 00:08:15,584 What do you mean? 241 00:08:15,618 --> 00:08:16,751 I mean we rebrand. 242 00:08:16,769 --> 00:08:18,353 No one cared about Calvin Broadus 243 00:08:18,388 --> 00:08:21,189 until he started calling himself Snoop Doggy Dogg. 244 00:08:21,207 --> 00:08:22,624 Then when people got tired of that, 245 00:08:22,658 --> 00:08:23,658 he went by Snoop Dogg, 246 00:08:23,676 --> 00:08:25,310 and now he's Snoop Lion. 247 00:08:25,345 --> 00:08:27,546 What's he gonna be in ten years--Snoop Laser Snake? 248 00:08:27,580 --> 00:08:28,830 Who knows? 249 00:08:28,865 --> 00:08:30,732 What are you saying-- we need to sex up fluoride? 250 00:08:30,750 --> 00:08:31,833 I don't know, Tom. 251 00:08:31,868 --> 00:08:33,468 It's a pretty sexy topic already. 252 00:08:33,503 --> 00:08:36,054 Leslie, you got to give people something to get excited about. 253 00:08:36,105 --> 00:08:37,356 You told me to make the most of my job. 254 00:08:37,407 --> 00:08:38,624 I'm good at this stuff. 255 00:08:38,658 --> 00:08:40,942 Now, are you a loose cannon or not? 256 00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:42,511 Yeah. 257 00:08:42,545 --> 00:08:44,429 I'm as loose as a goose. 258 00:08:44,464 --> 00:08:45,897 Do your thing, Tom. 259 00:08:45,949 --> 00:08:47,566 Aw. 260 00:08:47,617 --> 00:08:49,701 Now, remember, it's about finding a dog 261 00:08:49,752 --> 00:08:50,886 that captures your spirit. 262 00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:53,722 See? This is Craig. 263 00:08:53,756 --> 00:08:55,440 Oh, no! That is insane! 264 00:08:55,491 --> 00:08:57,526 I will burn this place to the ground 265 00:08:57,560 --> 00:08:59,027 if you pick that one! 266 00:08:59,045 --> 00:09:00,462 Okay, good choice. 267 00:09:00,496 --> 00:09:02,297 You guys, Leslie. 268 00:09:02,315 --> 00:09:03,649 Yes! And... 269 00:09:03,700 --> 00:09:05,100 Ron Swanson. 270 00:09:05,118 --> 00:09:06,568 - Oh! - Oh, my God. 271 00:09:06,586 --> 00:09:08,670 - This is Larry. - That's great. 272 00:09:08,704 --> 00:09:10,672 Bingo. Donna. Nailed it. 273 00:09:10,690 --> 00:09:12,190 Ooh. 274 00:09:12,241 --> 00:09:15,544 Because you're pretty and you like makeup and stuff. 275 00:09:15,578 --> 00:09:17,329 Game over. 276 00:09:20,566 --> 00:09:23,986 Ron, I want to do things the Swanson way. 277 00:09:24,020 --> 00:09:25,337 Wonderful. 278 00:09:25,388 --> 00:09:27,255 First rule-- no conversation lasts longer 279 00:09:27,273 --> 00:09:29,024 than 100 total words. 280 00:09:29,058 --> 00:09:31,393 You have used 9. I have used 20. 281 00:09:31,427 --> 00:09:32,861 - Continue. - Fun. 282 00:09:32,879 --> 00:09:35,030 I'd like you to teach me to build a crib. 283 00:09:35,048 --> 00:09:37,349 Why do you need to build your own crib? 284 00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:38,734 Because I no longer trust anything 285 00:09:38,768 --> 00:09:40,369 other than my own two hands. 286 00:09:40,403 --> 00:09:42,437 It is debilitating, but exciting. 287 00:09:42,472 --> 00:09:44,740 Okay, we'll go to my woodshop at lunch. 288 00:09:44,774 --> 00:09:46,224 Wonderful. Look at us-- 289 00:09:46,275 --> 00:09:48,193 both standing on the cusp of fatherhood. 290 00:09:48,227 --> 00:09:49,995 I know we haven't spent a lot of time together, 291 00:09:50,029 --> 00:09:51,747 - but-- - 100. 292 00:09:54,192 --> 00:09:56,051 All right, so, in conclusion... 293 00:09:56,069 --> 00:09:57,219 fluoride, chemical, 294 00:09:57,253 --> 00:09:59,638 tiny genitals, misinformation, 295 00:09:59,672 --> 00:10:03,642 panic, death, Jenny McCarthy. 296 00:10:03,676 --> 00:10:06,528 Well, I don't know, councilman. 297 00:10:06,562 --> 00:10:07,863 That was a little dry. 298 00:10:07,897 --> 00:10:09,864 What do you say we have some fun, huh? 299 00:10:09,882 --> 00:10:11,767 Check this. 300 00:10:11,801 --> 00:10:13,719 Plain water? Yuck. 301 00:10:13,770 --> 00:10:15,437 I'm bored. 302 00:10:15,455 --> 00:10:16,604 Then try this. 303 00:10:20,042 --> 00:10:21,042 What the-- 304 00:10:21,060 --> 00:10:22,177 what just happened? 305 00:10:22,195 --> 00:10:24,479 That water contains teeth dazzler, 306 00:10:24,497 --> 00:10:25,737 which makes your teeth stronger 307 00:10:25,748 --> 00:10:27,883 and starts a party in your mouth. 308 00:10:40,997 --> 00:10:43,582 What? Fluoride's boring, guys. 309 00:10:43,616 --> 00:10:44,583 Boo! 310 00:10:44,617 --> 00:10:46,351 Welcome to T-dazzle. 311 00:10:46,386 --> 00:10:47,769 It's not a chemical. 312 00:10:47,804 --> 00:10:50,171 It's an aquatic-based social-media oral experience. 313 00:10:50,189 --> 00:10:52,474 Everyone who tweets at T-dazzle in the next hour 314 00:10:52,492 --> 00:10:55,243 will be entered to win an exciting plain blue T-shirt. 315 00:10:55,277 --> 00:10:57,229 I say "T," you say "dazzle." 316 00:10:57,263 --> 00:10:58,680 - "T." - Dazzle. 317 00:10:58,714 --> 00:10:59,648 - "T." - Dazzle. 318 00:10:59,682 --> 00:11:00,816 - "T." - Dazzle. 319 00:11:00,850 --> 00:11:02,217 Thank you for the woodworking lesson, Ron. 320 00:11:02,251 --> 00:11:04,469 This whole crib-recall thing has got me 321 00:11:04,504 --> 00:11:05,604 literally rethinking everything 322 00:11:05,638 --> 00:11:07,139 I thought I knew about parenting. 323 00:11:07,190 --> 00:11:08,523 What sleep method will you be using-- 324 00:11:08,558 --> 00:11:10,342 Ferber, Sears? 325 00:11:10,376 --> 00:11:12,527 Swanson method, 326 00:11:12,545 --> 00:11:14,379 where you close your eyes and fall asleep. 327 00:11:14,414 --> 00:11:17,349 I really wish Ron would engage, 328 00:11:17,383 --> 00:11:20,936 but he exudes so much wisdom that I can learn parenting tips 329 00:11:20,970 --> 00:11:22,604 simply by being in his presence. 330 00:11:22,638 --> 00:11:25,624 Someone like Ron is teaching even when they're not teaching. 331 00:11:25,658 --> 00:11:27,142 Does that make sense? 332 00:11:27,176 --> 00:11:30,178 My anxiety has kept me up for over 50 hours. 333 00:11:31,547 --> 00:11:34,766 Our polling shows that 72% of citizens 334 00:11:34,801 --> 00:11:37,002 are in favor of adding T-dazzle to their water, 335 00:11:37,053 --> 00:11:39,721 effectively killing Councilman Jamm's so-called 336 00:11:39,739 --> 00:11:40,906 Clean Water Bill. 337 00:11:40,940 --> 00:11:42,574 Eat it, Jamm. I won. 338 00:11:42,625 --> 00:11:44,142 Apology accepted. 339 00:11:44,177 --> 00:11:45,493 You know, I've actually come around 340 00:11:45,511 --> 00:11:46,795 to your way of thinking on this. 341 00:11:46,829 --> 00:11:49,448 My only thought is, why stop here? 342 00:11:49,482 --> 00:11:50,615 Ladies and gentlemen, 343 00:11:50,666 --> 00:11:53,535 Sweetums president Jessica Wicks. 344 00:11:55,922 --> 00:11:56,855 Whoo! 345 00:11:56,889 --> 00:12:00,425 Look, we all love T-dazzle. 346 00:12:00,460 --> 00:12:03,428 But we can do more to improve our drinking supply. 347 00:12:03,463 --> 00:12:06,514 Sweetums is excited to propose an alternative 348 00:12:06,532 --> 00:12:08,900 to boring municipal water. 349 00:12:08,951 --> 00:12:11,369 We call it "Drink-ems"! 350 00:12:11,420 --> 00:12:12,454 Whoo! 351 00:12:12,488 --> 00:12:14,422 Sweetums is prepared to take over 352 00:12:14,456 --> 00:12:16,057 the management of Pawnee's water. 353 00:12:16,092 --> 00:12:18,977 This is gonna save this town beaucoup bucks. 354 00:12:19,028 --> 00:12:21,646 Take a sip of this delicious water 355 00:12:21,697 --> 00:12:24,249 and imagine it coming out of your faucets at home. 356 00:12:24,283 --> 00:12:26,251 This water is filled with sugar. 357 00:12:26,285 --> 00:12:31,005 There's absolutely no way we are doing this. 358 00:12:31,023 --> 00:12:32,941 Checkmate. 359 00:12:32,975 --> 00:12:34,860 Did you bring those with you just to do that? 360 00:12:34,894 --> 00:12:36,361 - Maybe. - Damn. 361 00:12:36,412 --> 00:12:37,645 It is a baller move. 362 00:12:37,663 --> 00:12:40,782 What are we gonna do now, Leslie? 363 00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:42,167 Hey. 364 00:12:42,218 --> 00:12:44,352 Okay, are you still mad at me about the poodle thing? 365 00:12:44,387 --> 00:12:45,437 It was just a dumb game. 366 00:12:45,471 --> 00:12:46,805 I can pick another dog. 367 00:12:46,856 --> 00:12:48,556 I'm not mad about the choice. 368 00:12:48,574 --> 00:12:50,358 I'm mad about your reasons. 369 00:12:50,392 --> 00:12:53,194 "Pretty," "makeup"-- is that all you know about me? 370 00:12:53,212 --> 00:12:55,163 We don't hang out that much. 371 00:12:55,197 --> 00:12:57,165 It's not like you know a ton about me. 372 00:12:57,199 --> 00:12:59,634 You're beautiful, yet cold and aloof. 373 00:12:59,668 --> 00:13:01,853 You pride yourself on being a loner. 374 00:13:01,904 --> 00:13:04,138 You do not obey, you choose to cooperate. 375 00:13:04,156 --> 00:13:05,857 And when you stop baring your fangs to pick a mate, 376 00:13:05,908 --> 00:13:07,075 it's for life. 377 00:13:07,109 --> 00:13:08,844 And you're fiercely loyal to your pack, 378 00:13:08,878 --> 00:13:12,797 which makes you a rare black Siberian husky. 379 00:13:12,832 --> 00:13:15,617 That was so spot-on, it was scary. 380 00:13:15,635 --> 00:13:17,969 I need to go lie down for 45 minutes. 381 00:13:18,020 --> 00:13:21,189 No, an hour... 382 00:13:21,224 --> 00:13:22,858 a full hour. 383 00:13:22,892 --> 00:13:24,309 Good morning. 384 00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:25,861 This won't take long. 385 00:13:25,895 --> 00:13:28,563 Simply put, it would be madness 386 00:13:28,597 --> 00:13:30,448 to let Sweetums take over our water supply 387 00:13:30,483 --> 00:13:31,599 and pump it full of sugar. 388 00:13:31,617 --> 00:13:33,151 What's next-- 389 00:13:33,202 --> 00:13:34,936 cookie dough toothpaste? 390 00:13:34,954 --> 00:13:37,489 Bad example. That would be amazing. 391 00:13:37,540 --> 00:13:40,909 My point is, Sweetums is an evil, profit-hungry corporation 392 00:13:40,943 --> 00:13:42,160 that is ruining our health. 393 00:13:42,211 --> 00:13:43,995 Ever since Sweetums opened its doors, 394 00:13:44,046 --> 00:13:46,114 obesity is up 100%. 395 00:13:46,132 --> 00:13:47,799 It's unacceptable. 396 00:13:47,833 --> 00:13:51,286 Down with that poison-peddling corporate monster. 397 00:13:51,304 --> 00:13:53,388 Down with Sweetums! 398 00:13:56,392 --> 00:13:57,475 - Hey. - Hey. 399 00:13:57,510 --> 00:13:59,030 Heard about your speech. Sounded great. 400 00:13:59,061 --> 00:14:01,680 I wish you could've seen it. It felt so good. 401 00:14:01,731 --> 00:14:03,515 I love loose cannon-ing. 402 00:14:03,566 --> 00:14:05,967 You know, I love the power of no consequences. 403 00:14:05,985 --> 00:14:08,636 Well, unfortunately, there has been one consequence. 404 00:14:08,654 --> 00:14:12,274 I just got fired from Sweetums. 405 00:14:12,308 --> 00:14:15,110 Because you were embezzling... 406 00:14:15,144 --> 00:14:16,328 I hope. 407 00:14:18,714 --> 00:14:20,708 Hey, Jessica! 408 00:14:20,884 --> 00:14:22,251 Did you do something to your hair? 409 00:14:22,269 --> 00:14:25,237 Because, sister, you look good enough to eat. 410 00:14:25,272 --> 00:14:26,272 Num num num num num. 411 00:14:26,323 --> 00:14:28,023 What do you want, Leslie? 412 00:14:28,041 --> 00:14:29,425 You can't punish Ben for something I did. 413 00:14:29,459 --> 00:14:30,459 It's not fair. 414 00:14:30,493 --> 00:14:32,511 I love him, and I will do anything 415 00:14:32,562 --> 00:14:34,146 to help him get his job back. 416 00:14:34,181 --> 00:14:35,314 What do you want? 417 00:14:35,349 --> 00:14:38,084 I want you to formally apologize 418 00:14:38,118 --> 00:14:39,719 for what you said about Sweetums. 419 00:14:39,770 --> 00:14:42,071 I want you to say that we're a moral, 420 00:14:42,105 --> 00:14:46,258 upstanding corporation that you're proud to have in Pawnee. 421 00:14:46,293 --> 00:14:48,177 And when you make your apology, 422 00:14:48,211 --> 00:14:51,480 I want you to wear a lime-green pantsuit 423 00:14:51,514 --> 00:14:53,215 because it will look horrible on you. 424 00:14:53,250 --> 00:14:55,801 You are such an autumn. 425 00:14:55,852 --> 00:14:57,419 Did you need me for something? 426 00:14:57,437 --> 00:14:59,605 Yes, I want to figure out your spirit dog, 427 00:14:59,656 --> 00:15:00,873 and I'm going to do that 428 00:15:00,907 --> 00:15:02,792 by learning everything there is to know about you. 429 00:15:02,826 --> 00:15:05,094 All right. Game on. 430 00:15:05,128 --> 00:15:06,896 Okay, what's your favorite color? 431 00:15:06,930 --> 00:15:08,898 For cars, it's gold. For shoes, it's red-- 432 00:15:08,932 --> 00:15:11,100 unless it's the weekend, then reverse them. 433 00:15:11,118 --> 00:15:14,170 - Favorite music? - 1970s funk and 1770s opera 434 00:15:14,204 --> 00:15:16,555 and Sugar Ray, post Mark McGrath 435 00:15:16,590 --> 00:15:17,890 after he left for Entertainment Tonight. 436 00:15:17,924 --> 00:15:19,525 - Favorite book? - Downton Abbey. 437 00:15:19,576 --> 00:15:22,328 - That's not a-- - Downton...Abbey. 438 00:15:22,362 --> 00:15:23,295 Okay. 439 00:15:23,330 --> 00:15:25,631 Um, describe your perfect Sunday. 440 00:15:25,665 --> 00:15:26,882 Church, 441 00:15:26,916 --> 00:15:27,933 do the Harper's Magazine Acrostic, 442 00:15:27,968 --> 00:15:29,435 play my oboe in the jacuzzi 443 00:15:29,469 --> 00:15:31,153 while the sun sets over puget sound. 444 00:15:31,187 --> 00:15:32,254 Favorite movies? 445 00:15:32,289 --> 00:15:33,529 In order-- Natural Born Killers, 446 00:15:33,540 --> 00:15:34,707 Remains of the Day, 447 00:15:34,741 --> 00:15:37,126 and Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey. 448 00:15:37,144 --> 00:15:39,095 Excellent. 449 00:15:39,129 --> 00:15:40,730 Thank you very much for your time. 450 00:15:40,764 --> 00:15:43,833 I will have your answer shortly. 451 00:15:45,085 --> 00:15:46,519 No idea. 452 00:15:46,553 --> 00:15:48,888 If a joint is properly fashioned, 453 00:15:48,939 --> 00:15:51,673 all you need to do is guide it into place. 454 00:15:51,691 --> 00:15:55,361 "All you need to do is guide it into place." 455 00:15:55,412 --> 00:15:57,413 What I get from that is, when parenting, 456 00:15:57,447 --> 00:15:59,749 sometimes a subtle hand is more effective 457 00:15:59,783 --> 00:16:01,384 than a strong one. 458 00:16:01,418 --> 00:16:02,885 This is already so much more helpful 459 00:16:02,919 --> 00:16:04,770 than the last book on parenting I read-- 460 00:16:04,821 --> 00:16:08,457 Rad Dads by Apolo Anton Ohno and Shaun White. 461 00:16:08,492 --> 00:16:11,177 Nah. 462 00:16:11,211 --> 00:16:13,295 Ron, why did you throw that wood away? 463 00:16:13,313 --> 00:16:14,763 It's unstable. It's no good. 464 00:16:14,781 --> 00:16:16,231 I just don't understand 465 00:16:16,249 --> 00:16:18,233 "the throwing away the wood" metaphor. 466 00:16:18,251 --> 00:16:19,701 What's the lesson? 467 00:16:19,719 --> 00:16:22,088 Oh, I know! It's potty-training. 468 00:16:22,139 --> 00:16:24,706 That trash can is the toilet, and the wood was the feces. 469 00:16:24,724 --> 00:16:26,692 Chris, I'm not teaching you anything. 470 00:16:26,726 --> 00:16:28,027 We're just building a crib. 471 00:16:28,061 --> 00:16:29,278 No, I know you're not 472 00:16:29,312 --> 00:16:30,863 consciously teaching me anything. 473 00:16:30,914 --> 00:16:32,348 I'm trying to siphon off 474 00:16:32,382 --> 00:16:34,350 some of your calm, centered wisdom 475 00:16:34,384 --> 00:16:35,384 through metaphors. 476 00:16:35,418 --> 00:16:36,385 Metaphors? 477 00:16:36,403 --> 00:16:37,820 I hate metaphors. 478 00:16:37,854 --> 00:16:39,822 That's why my favorite book is Moby Dick-- 479 00:16:39,856 --> 00:16:41,907 no froufrou symbolism, 480 00:16:41,942 --> 00:16:44,993 just a good, simple tale about a man who hates an animal. 481 00:16:45,011 --> 00:16:49,315 That's enough for today, I think. 482 00:16:49,349 --> 00:16:53,752 - An organized child is a-- - No. 483 00:16:53,787 --> 00:16:56,422 Okay, I've been working on this for three hours, 484 00:16:56,473 --> 00:16:58,858 and I know your spirit dog. 485 00:16:58,892 --> 00:17:01,861 You are a Nova Scotia toller, 486 00:17:01,895 --> 00:17:05,998 because you're outgoing and adventurous. 487 00:17:06,032 --> 00:17:08,851 And you love Canada? 488 00:17:08,885 --> 00:17:11,253 - No, that's not right. - No, it isn't. 489 00:17:11,271 --> 00:17:12,605 But I appreciate the effort. 490 00:17:12,639 --> 00:17:13,606 We're good. 491 00:17:13,657 --> 00:17:14,990 And don't beat yourself up. 492 00:17:15,025 --> 00:17:17,159 You'll probably never guess what kind of dog I am. 493 00:17:17,194 --> 00:17:19,475 You're right. I'll never guess what kind of dog you are, 494 00:17:19,496 --> 00:17:20,696 because you're not a dog. 495 00:17:20,714 --> 00:17:21,764 You're a cat. 496 00:17:21,798 --> 00:17:23,516 You're temperamental. 497 00:17:23,550 --> 00:17:26,852 You're unpredictable, complex, and hard to read. 498 00:17:26,887 --> 00:17:29,655 You make people work before you let them in. 499 00:17:29,689 --> 00:17:32,458 But if they put the time in and prove that they care, 500 00:17:32,492 --> 00:17:34,143 then you open yourself up to them. 501 00:17:34,177 --> 00:17:36,128 Right? 502 00:17:38,014 --> 00:17:41,383 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 503 00:17:41,401 --> 00:17:44,170 Hmm. 504 00:17:44,204 --> 00:17:46,205 "So let's all raise a glass, 505 00:17:46,239 --> 00:17:48,541 "full of delicious, sugary drinking water, 506 00:17:48,575 --> 00:17:51,193 to Sweetums-- a Pawnee Institution." 507 00:17:51,211 --> 00:17:52,928 Leslie, don't do this. 508 00:17:52,963 --> 00:17:55,848 I have to, Ben. We can't both be out of a job. 509 00:17:55,882 --> 00:17:58,050 What will we do-- sleep all day, 510 00:17:58,101 --> 00:17:59,718 take cooking classes together, 511 00:17:59,769 --> 00:18:02,188 sit on a couch and watch movies? 512 00:18:02,222 --> 00:18:04,840 - God, that sounds horrible. - There's more at stake here. 513 00:18:04,858 --> 00:18:07,142 I mean, you apologize, it'll be an endorsement 514 00:18:07,176 --> 00:18:08,694 - for the Drink-ems plan. - I know that, but-- 515 00:18:08,728 --> 00:18:11,363 And everything you said about Sweetums was right on. 516 00:18:11,398 --> 00:18:14,033 I mean, 90% of the charity work I did 517 00:18:14,067 --> 00:18:16,402 was to compensate for messes they caused. 518 00:18:16,453 --> 00:18:18,904 And I don't want to work for them anymore. 519 00:18:18,955 --> 00:18:20,139 Are you sure? 520 00:18:20,173 --> 00:18:22,958 Yeah, just go up there, stick to your guns. 521 00:18:22,993 --> 00:18:24,293 It's not gonna make a difference. 522 00:18:24,327 --> 00:18:25,377 I can't beat them. 523 00:18:25,412 --> 00:18:27,713 All I have on my side is facts and science, 524 00:18:27,747 --> 00:18:29,832 and people hate facts and science. 525 00:18:29,866 --> 00:18:32,001 Wait. I have an idea. 526 00:18:32,035 --> 00:18:34,253 Go get Tom. Run! Get Tom! 527 00:18:36,098 --> 00:18:38,537 Yesterday I said some pretty harsh things 528 00:18:38,657 --> 00:18:41,826 about Sweetums and their great new product. 529 00:18:41,946 --> 00:18:43,397 But when I looked at the research, 530 00:18:43,431 --> 00:18:46,199 I found some pretty compelling facts about Drink-ems 531 00:18:46,234 --> 00:18:48,035 that made me change my tune. 532 00:18:48,069 --> 00:18:50,988 Each Drink-ems is packed with 35% 533 00:18:51,022 --> 00:18:54,041 of your daily monopotassium phosphate requirement. 534 00:18:54,075 --> 00:18:58,328 MPP is an emulsifier as well as a plus-7 PH buffer. 535 00:18:58,379 --> 00:18:59,880 Now, I know what you're thinking-- 536 00:18:59,914 --> 00:19:01,048 what about its molar mass? 537 00:19:01,082 --> 00:19:04,251 How does 136.086 grab you? 538 00:19:04,285 --> 00:19:06,837 What the-- 539 00:19:06,888 --> 00:19:08,805 I don't know about y'all, 540 00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:10,674 but Drink-ems seems pretty boring to me, 541 00:19:10,725 --> 00:19:13,226 not like H-2-flow. 542 00:19:13,261 --> 00:19:14,511 Excuse me. 543 00:19:14,562 --> 00:19:16,296 I have several binders with very important data 544 00:19:16,314 --> 00:19:17,597 that I need to get through. 545 00:19:17,631 --> 00:19:19,271 Well, miss, I think we'd all appreciate it 546 00:19:19,300 --> 00:19:21,184 if you just swallowed a teaspoon of hush. 547 00:19:21,235 --> 00:19:24,071 Think of H-2-flow as an app for your teeth. 548 00:19:24,105 --> 00:19:27,190 The more flow you take in, the more sparkle points you get. 549 00:19:27,241 --> 00:19:28,525 Get enough sparkle points, 550 00:19:28,576 --> 00:19:30,193 and you're on your way to your first aqua badge! 551 00:19:30,228 --> 00:19:31,611 Collect enough aqua badges, 552 00:19:31,645 --> 00:19:36,533 and we'll welcome you to the H-2-flow Platinum Club. 553 00:19:36,584 --> 00:19:39,086 I'm great at business, and I'm great at parks stuff. 554 00:19:39,120 --> 00:19:40,921 I'm like Picasso meets Michael Jordan. 555 00:19:40,955 --> 00:19:42,122 I can paint, 556 00:19:42,156 --> 00:19:45,092 but, uh, I can also be a world-class gambler. 557 00:19:45,126 --> 00:19:47,044 Ron, what's this? 558 00:19:47,095 --> 00:19:48,879 The crib I built. 559 00:19:48,930 --> 00:19:50,597 I'm giving it to you and Ann. 560 00:19:50,631 --> 00:19:51,815 It's perfectly safe. 561 00:19:51,849 --> 00:19:54,317 I tested it by hitting it with my truck. 562 00:19:54,352 --> 00:19:55,635 Well, Ron, I can't accept. 563 00:19:55,669 --> 00:19:57,337 This is for your baby. 564 00:19:57,355 --> 00:19:59,156 There's more than one crib tree in a forest. 565 00:19:59,173 --> 00:20:00,673 That's not a lesson, by the way, 566 00:20:00,692 --> 00:20:03,310 just a comment on lumber availability. 567 00:20:03,344 --> 00:20:05,845 It's beautiful. Thank you. 568 00:20:05,863 --> 00:20:07,864 Nobody has all the right answers 569 00:20:07,899 --> 00:20:09,516 in parenting, including me. 570 00:20:09,534 --> 00:20:11,318 And that toxic crib you bought 571 00:20:11,352 --> 00:20:12,953 won't be the last mistake you make. 572 00:20:12,987 --> 00:20:14,521 But a man who's this worried 573 00:20:14,539 --> 00:20:16,323 about making all the right choices 574 00:20:16,357 --> 00:20:17,958 cares very much. 575 00:20:17,992 --> 00:20:19,859 That's all that matters. 576 00:20:19,877 --> 00:20:21,962 You'll be a great father. 577 00:20:21,996 --> 00:20:23,296 Thank you, Ron... 578 00:20:23,331 --> 00:20:25,132 for the crib and the advice. 579 00:20:25,252 --> 00:20:28,201 It's much better than any metaphor. 580 00:20:28,219 --> 00:20:30,921 Does the white whale actually symbolize 581 00:20:30,972 --> 00:20:33,340 the unknowability and meaninglessness 582 00:20:33,374 --> 00:20:35,258 of human existence? 583 00:20:35,309 --> 00:20:37,094 No. 584 00:20:37,145 --> 00:20:39,479 It's just a [bleep] fish. 585 00:20:39,514 --> 00:20:41,398 Hey, good news. 586 00:20:41,432 --> 00:20:42,549 Drink-ems is dead. 587 00:20:42,567 --> 00:20:44,784 As of tomorrow, every Pawnee resident 588 00:20:44,802 --> 00:20:47,220 will have H-2-flow in their drinking water. 589 00:20:47,255 --> 00:20:48,288 That's great news. 590 00:20:48,306 --> 00:20:50,424 H-2-flow is fluoride, right? 591 00:20:50,458 --> 00:20:52,476 I think so. 592 00:20:52,510 --> 00:20:55,562 I'll double-check with Tom, but I'm, like, 95% sure. 593 00:20:55,596 --> 00:20:56,763 Wow. Look at us. 594 00:20:56,797 --> 00:20:59,316 Two people, who are about to have zero jobs. 595 00:20:59,350 --> 00:21:00,400 Weird, huh? 596 00:21:00,435 --> 00:21:01,435 And you and I-- 597 00:21:01,469 --> 00:21:03,403 we always land on our feet, right? 598 00:21:03,438 --> 00:21:04,905 - Yeah. - Uh-oh! 599 00:21:04,939 --> 00:21:07,691 Guess who won that plain blue T-shirt? 600 00:21:07,742 --> 00:21:08,859 No way! 601 00:21:08,910 --> 00:21:09,976 Look how blue it is. 602 00:21:09,994 --> 00:21:11,596 Wow. Things are already looking up. 603 00:21:11,716 --> 00:21:13,119 Yeah! 604 00:21:13,239 --> 00:21:15,159 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com