1
00:00:01,412 --> 00:00:04,678
I'm looking for Ronald Ulysses Swanson?
2
00:00:04,843 --> 00:00:07,479
He stepped out.
Can I take a message?
3
00:00:07,510 --> 00:00:09,253
Sure. Tell him
he just won a free dinner
4
00:00:09,265 --> 00:00:10,597
from St. Elmo steak house.
5
00:00:10,621 --> 00:00:12,559
[Laughs]
6
00:00:12,633 --> 00:00:14,284
I'm Ron Swanson!
7
00:00:14,683 --> 00:00:17,158
You've been served.
Have a nice day.
8
00:00:17,382 --> 00:00:19,001
I don't like you.
9
00:00:19,314 --> 00:00:20,781
But I respect the effort.
10
00:00:20,840 --> 00:00:22,112
Oh, man, subpoena?
11
00:00:22,130 --> 00:00:24,111
Which ex-wife is it,
Tammy one or Tammy two?
12
00:00:24,142 --> 00:00:25,457
Neither.
13
00:00:25,600 --> 00:00:28,138
Apparently councilman
Jeremy Jamm is not pleased
14
00:00:28,157 --> 00:00:30,995
that I punched him in the face
on the night of Leslie's wedding.
15
00:00:31,038 --> 00:00:32,305
He's suing me.
16
00:00:32,494 --> 00:00:35,065
$13,000
for orthodontic surgery,
17
00:00:35,084 --> 00:00:36,788
$6,000 for enamel repair,
18
00:00:36,813 --> 00:00:39,947
and $46 million
for psychological damages.
19
00:00:39,981 --> 00:00:41,571
Yeah, that seems
about accurate.
20
00:00:41,589 --> 00:00:43,440
That guy is the worst.
21
00:00:43,487 --> 00:00:44,931
We should sue Jamm's parents
22
00:00:44,950 --> 00:00:46,911
for spawning
a human turdburger.
23
00:00:46,954 --> 00:00:48,789
Ron, hey,
let me be your lawyer.
24
00:00:48,814 --> 00:00:50,422
I'll object
to everything anyone says,
25
00:00:50,434 --> 00:00:52,494
trial will go on forever,
you don't have to pay.
26
00:00:52,542 --> 00:00:53,742
Problem solved.
27
00:00:53,776 --> 00:00:54,881
That's a kind offer, Andrew,
28
00:00:54,900 --> 00:00:56,669
but I won't be hiring
an attorney.
29
00:00:56,722 --> 00:00:58,166
I'll represent myself,
30
00:00:58,189 --> 00:01:01,124
as I do in all legal matters
and livestock auctions.
31
00:01:01,634 --> 00:01:03,797
I wish we had $46 million.
32
00:01:03,833 --> 00:01:05,654
We could buy my parents' house
and evict them.
33
00:01:05,666 --> 00:01:06,888
Surprised he's taking it
this well.
34
00:01:06,910 --> 00:01:08,060
Aghh!
35
00:01:08,091 --> 00:01:10,292
[Crash]
36
00:01:10,638 --> 00:01:13,507
April, could you
call maintenance please?
37
00:01:15,038 --> 00:01:18,007
[Triumphant music]
38
00:01:18,067 --> 00:01:21,148
♪
39
00:01:26,165 --> 00:01:30,165
Parks and Recreation
S05E17
Partridge
40
00:01:30,209 --> 00:01:35,209
Sync and corrections by Norther
www.addic7ed.com
41
00:01:35,870 --> 00:01:37,865
Okay, move a little bit
to your left
42
00:01:37,883 --> 00:01:39,326
and then turn to the side.
43
00:01:39,350 --> 00:01:41,628
Okay, and freeze.
44
00:01:41,676 --> 00:01:43,564
That is the exact spot
45
00:01:43,651 --> 00:01:46,175
where an 18-year-old
Ben Wyatt was inaugurated
46
00:01:46,194 --> 00:01:47,704
as mayor of Partridge,
Minnesota.
47
00:01:47,728 --> 00:01:50,374
Oh, well, thank you very much.
Yes, congratulations to you.
48
00:01:50,386 --> 00:01:51,574
- I don't know.
- I have chills.
49
00:01:51,592 --> 00:01:53,724
Can't believe they're finally
giving me the key to the city.
50
00:01:53,736 --> 00:01:55,532
I can't believe
it took so long.
51
00:01:55,594 --> 00:01:58,252
They gave the key to every other
mayor in the town's history,
52
00:01:58,265 --> 00:02:00,951
and I guarantee that none of them
had as cute a butt as you do.
53
00:02:00,963 --> 00:02:04,476
And none of them caused the city's
unemployment rate to hit 30%.
54
00:02:04,526 --> 00:02:06,826
You're so sexy when you talk
about percentages.
55
00:02:06,963 --> 00:02:09,598
When Ben was mayor,
he sunk all of the town's money
56
00:02:09,617 --> 00:02:12,459
into a winter sports complex
called "Ice Town,"
57
00:02:12,476 --> 00:02:13,816
and they went bankrupt.
58
00:02:13,834 --> 00:02:16,694
Now they've invited him back
as a gesture of goodwill,
59
00:02:16,725 --> 00:02:20,178
and he'll finally get some closure
on this miserable chapter in his life.
60
00:02:20,783 --> 00:02:21,820
Yay, Ben!
61
00:02:21,851 --> 00:02:22,770
Town hero!
62
00:02:22,807 --> 00:02:25,656
- Yes!
- Whoo!
63
00:02:27,477 --> 00:02:31,009
Well, if it isn't
the defendant, Ron Swansuck.
64
00:02:31,057 --> 00:02:32,002
[Laughs]
65
00:02:32,020 --> 00:02:33,147
Why are you doing this, Jamm?
66
00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:35,014
This lawsuit is
Chronicles of Riddick-ulous.
67
00:02:35,039 --> 00:02:35,870
I'll tell you why.
68
00:02:35,883 --> 00:02:38,409
It's 'cause I'm sick of
this whole Parks and Rec gang.
69
00:02:38,427 --> 00:02:39,241
That's why.
70
00:02:39,266 --> 00:02:41,639
This munch throws me
into a swimming pool.
71
00:02:41,748 --> 00:02:43,524
The nurse still
won't have sex with me,
72
00:02:43,536 --> 00:02:44,856
and she's not even queer.
73
00:02:44,868 --> 00:02:47,078
Now Swansuck punches me
in the mouth.
74
00:02:47,164 --> 00:02:49,783
It's what we
in the Jamm family call...
75
00:02:49,869 --> 00:02:50,736
"Payback time."
76
00:02:50,754 --> 00:02:51,786
Everyone calls it that.
77
00:02:51,798 --> 00:02:53,409
Yeah, because I invented it.
78
00:02:53,431 --> 00:02:56,058
Yeah, you're not gonna win
$50 million, you freak.
79
00:02:56,082 --> 00:02:57,027
Maybe not,
80
00:02:57,083 --> 00:03:00,352
but I'm not not going
to win nothing.
81
00:03:00,898 --> 00:03:02,181
Paul.
82
00:03:03,407 --> 00:03:04,532
That guy is a joke.
83
00:03:04,544 --> 00:03:06,387
This lawsuit is definitely
getting thrown out.
84
00:03:06,425 --> 00:03:08,434
I don't know, those are
Jean-Ralphio's lawyers.
85
00:03:08,459 --> 00:03:09,878
They once got him $60,000
86
00:03:09,896 --> 00:03:11,916
'cause he got too scared
at a haunted house.
87
00:03:12,213 --> 00:03:13,537
[Groans]
88
00:03:15,193 --> 00:03:17,166
Okay, are you done?
Are we done? Did we win?
89
00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:19,703
- You can't win this.
- You can win at anything.
90
00:03:19,847 --> 00:03:21,849
Last year I won
an organic gardening contest.
91
00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:23,401
Who were you competing against?
92
00:03:23,429 --> 00:03:24,586
My own taste buds.
93
00:03:24,729 --> 00:03:28,113
I wanna have a baby, and Chris
has agreed to be the father.
94
00:03:28,309 --> 00:03:30,726
My fertility counselor
showed me this online quiz
95
00:03:30,745 --> 00:03:33,048
that determines whether
we'd be compatible parents.
96
00:03:33,116 --> 00:03:35,264
If this were the '80s,
all we'd have to do is, like,
97
00:03:35,288 --> 00:03:37,599
not drop an egg
for a whole day.
98
00:03:37,779 --> 00:03:39,545
Stupid Internet.
99
00:03:39,648 --> 00:03:43,842
Okay, our official
co-parenting score is...
100
00:03:44,104 --> 00:03:46,417
58% compatibility.
101
00:03:46,510 --> 00:03:47,874
Not amazing.
102
00:03:47,907 --> 00:03:49,122
Oh, I think it's fantastic.
103
00:03:49,140 --> 00:03:51,396
I think it's literally the best score
we could have hoped for.
104
00:03:51,464 --> 00:03:53,788
- Not sure that that's true.
- Oh, snap!
105
00:03:53,818 --> 00:03:55,167
I just filled it out for fun.
106
00:03:55,191 --> 00:03:58,162
Chris and I are 81% compatible.
107
00:03:58,603 --> 00:03:59,985
You wanna make a baby, traeger?
108
00:04:00,123 --> 00:04:02,338
Your hair, my everything else.
109
00:04:02,518 --> 00:04:04,495
That kid would be unstoppable.
110
00:04:04,590 --> 00:04:06,654
Guys, I couldn't resist.
I did it too.
111
00:04:06,698 --> 00:04:09,484
Ann and I got 84%.
112
00:04:10,055 --> 00:04:13,653
- Well, this sucks.
- Yes, we did not win.
113
00:04:14,889 --> 00:04:17,315
So was, like,
Ben a bossy older brother?
114
00:04:17,333 --> 00:04:19,649
Did he make you watch
star war movies?
115
00:04:19,725 --> 00:04:20,825
Make me?
116
00:04:20,872 --> 00:04:22,843
I loved those movies
just as much as he did.
117
00:04:22,862 --> 00:04:24,565
That's so cute.
118
00:04:24,949 --> 00:04:26,998
Oh, you do a lot of hugging.
119
00:04:27,017 --> 00:04:29,057
Yeah, get used to it.
We're sisters now.
120
00:04:29,076 --> 00:04:30,482
[Chuckles]
121
00:04:30,557 --> 00:04:32,529
Benji, I'm really glad
you came back for this.
122
00:04:32,547 --> 00:04:34,316
A lot of jerks around here
didn't think you'd show up.
123
00:04:34,350 --> 00:04:37,101
Well, I wasn't sure, but
Leslie gave me the extra push,
124
00:04:37,119 --> 00:04:40,732
and I figured it'd be nice to put the ice
town thing behind me once and for all.
125
00:04:40,923 --> 00:04:42,875
Now that you're both here,
let's get started.
126
00:04:42,946 --> 00:04:45,152
Just have a few questions.
127
00:04:45,862 --> 00:04:47,803
- You have a binder?
- That's right.
128
00:04:47,834 --> 00:04:49,319
Who were
Ben's high school girlfriends,
129
00:04:49,331 --> 00:04:51,158
and what base
do you think he got to?
130
00:04:51,216 --> 00:04:53,274
- Um...
- What's that?
131
00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:55,533
And what exactly
did you witness?
132
00:04:55,568 --> 00:04:57,648
Defendant, alias Ron Swanson,
133
00:04:57,673 --> 00:04:59,819
alias my boss,
134
00:04:59,864 --> 00:05:02,671
used appropriate force
to prevent further damage
135
00:05:02,696 --> 00:05:04,602
to the wedding of Leslie Knope,
136
00:05:04,611 --> 00:05:06,287
alias my other boss.
137
00:05:06,299 --> 00:05:08,589
You sound as if you have a
special interest in law enforcement.
138
00:05:08,608 --> 00:05:10,119
Yes, sir.
In fact, at the time,
139
00:05:10,135 --> 00:05:12,122
I was trying
to become a police officer
140
00:05:12,134 --> 00:05:13,595
but was deemed
unfit for the force.
141
00:05:13,634 --> 00:05:14,753
And what happened?
142
00:05:14,778 --> 00:05:15,516
Don't know.
143
00:05:15,546 --> 00:05:17,344
Well, I pooched the brain exam.
144
00:05:17,369 --> 00:05:21,247
Just to be safe, I wouldn't take
anything I say too seriously.
145
00:05:22,221 --> 00:05:23,549
Next witness, your honor.
146
00:05:23,609 --> 00:05:26,131
Ms. Ludgate, have you
ever heard Mr. Swanson
147
00:05:26,143 --> 00:05:27,997
threaten to hurt
councilman Jamm?
148
00:05:28,037 --> 00:05:29,894
Ronny?
Are you kidding me?
149
00:05:30,153 --> 00:05:32,687
I've never heard him threaten
to hurt anyone or anything.
150
00:05:32,725 --> 00:05:35,345
The guy's, like, a vegetarian.
151
00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:38,605
Look at him, he's like
a big, old, soft teddy bear.
152
00:05:38,661 --> 00:05:39,893
His nickname around the office
153
00:05:39,911 --> 00:05:43,051
is "Softy-Pants McHuggable."
154
00:05:43,068 --> 00:05:44,335
Did you ever hear
Mr. Swanson
155
00:05:44,369 --> 00:05:46,585
say he intended to injure
councilman Jamm
156
00:05:46,609 --> 00:05:48,160
before the day of the wedding?
157
00:05:48,199 --> 00:05:50,761
The answer is a flat "no."
158
00:05:50,895 --> 00:05:52,833
Ron doesn't really pay
much attention to other people.
159
00:05:52,857 --> 00:05:54,539
I doubt he even knew
you existed.
160
00:05:54,558 --> 00:05:57,619
Also, may I say for the record,
that is a dope pocket square.
161
00:05:57,673 --> 00:05:58,940
Can I see that bad boy?
162
00:05:59,049 --> 00:06:02,515
Tom and April were excellent
witnesses in my defense.
163
00:06:02,613 --> 00:06:05,957
Unfortunately, every single word
out of their mouths was a lie.
164
00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:08,508
There's only one thing
I hate more than lying.
165
00:06:08,661 --> 00:06:09,861
Skim milk.
166
00:06:09,894 --> 00:06:13,557
Which is water that's lying
about being milk.
167
00:06:14,450 --> 00:06:17,009
Despite everything
that happened 20 years ago,
168
00:06:17,034 --> 00:06:19,745
this will always be
my hometown.
169
00:06:20,790 --> 00:06:21,820
Are you crying again?
170
00:06:21,851 --> 00:06:23,954
It's just every time
you say that speech,
171
00:06:23,979 --> 00:06:26,300
I think about where you've been
and where you're going
172
00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:28,853
and our future children
and America
173
00:06:28,878 --> 00:06:31,183
and just our history
as a nation.
174
00:06:31,219 --> 00:06:33,012
Wow, I didn't think
about all that,
175
00:06:33,030 --> 00:06:35,279
but I thought it was good.
- Thanks, Steph.
176
00:06:35,317 --> 00:06:37,840
Ah, I'm feeling sweaty.
Do I look swe--
177
00:06:37,859 --> 00:06:41,214
I feel--oh, I need to use
the bathroom one more time.
178
00:06:41,246 --> 00:06:42,860
That's, like,
five times in an hour.
179
00:06:42,972 --> 00:06:45,112
Well, somebody's nervous
about the ceremony.
180
00:06:45,118 --> 00:06:46,000
I don't blame him.
181
00:06:46,012 --> 00:06:48,864
He didn't exactly leave Partridge
as the most popular guy in town.
182
00:06:48,944 --> 00:06:51,582
- [Groans]
- Ben?
183
00:06:51,711 --> 00:06:52,659
Oh, my God.
184
00:06:52,685 --> 00:06:54,516
[Groaning]
185
00:06:54,696 --> 00:06:56,521
Are you okay?
186
00:06:57,079 --> 00:06:58,777
I think I'm giving birth.
187
00:06:59,285 --> 00:07:00,694
Is that possible?
No, right?
188
00:07:00,718 --> 00:07:02,153
- No, no, no, no.
- Oh, God!
189
00:07:02,162 --> 00:07:03,463
I'll call an ambulance.
190
00:07:03,481 --> 00:07:05,170
Oh, God! It's twins!
191
00:07:05,195 --> 00:07:07,484
- I'm having twins!
- Oh! Okay.
192
00:07:09,831 --> 00:07:12,804
- Kidney stone?
- Big sucker too.
193
00:07:12,893 --> 00:07:14,922
We're gonna have to keep him
here until it passes.
194
00:07:14,934 --> 00:07:18,314
Leslie
and Dr. Clipperton...
195
00:07:18,533 --> 00:07:22,189
Wow, man, I'm so glad
you guys are meeting.
196
00:07:22,233 --> 00:07:25,371
It's like worlds collide.
You know, I love it.
197
00:07:25,708 --> 00:07:27,408
I want candy.
198
00:07:27,573 --> 00:07:28,687
What is he on?
199
00:07:28,711 --> 00:07:30,507
Morphine.
It's good stuff.
200
00:07:30,538 --> 00:07:31,670
Leslie, come here.
201
00:07:31,746 --> 00:07:33,867
Do you have any idea
how beautiful you are?
202
00:07:33,935 --> 00:07:36,764
I'm serious.
You're like a flower.
203
00:07:36,782 --> 00:07:41,015
Or, no, like a snug-bug
or like a snugger-doodle
204
00:07:41,045 --> 00:07:42,345
or something like that.
205
00:07:42,356 --> 00:07:44,957
We should just go for it,
you know?
206
00:07:45,234 --> 00:07:46,440
Life.
207
00:07:46,472 --> 00:07:49,610
We have a ceremony
we need to be at in two hours.
208
00:07:49,623 --> 00:07:51,104
Is there anything
that we can do?
209
00:07:51,152 --> 00:07:53,933
Sorry, Ice Town, you're not going
anywhere for at least a day.
210
00:07:54,438 --> 00:07:56,126
Okay, well,
I'll call mayor Stice,
211
00:07:56,138 --> 00:07:57,632
and we'll reschedule
the ceremony.
212
00:07:57,662 --> 00:07:59,868
No, this town expects me
to wuss out.
213
00:07:59,899 --> 00:08:01,168
I'm making that speech,
214
00:08:01,193 --> 00:08:04,570
and I'm simply gonna explain to
the crowd that love is everywhere
215
00:08:04,594 --> 00:08:07,853
and they have to surrender to the
flow of the universe, you know?
216
00:08:07,952 --> 00:08:09,786
Price Is Right is on, I think.
217
00:08:10,248 --> 00:08:14,362
Oh, you remember staying home
sick from school...
218
00:08:15,286 --> 00:08:17,353
watching the price is right?
219
00:08:17,419 --> 00:08:19,447
Oh, God.
220
00:08:20,561 --> 00:08:22,351
Look, I know that this
is just a silly quiz,
221
00:08:22,384 --> 00:08:24,619
but it is so discouraging
to do so poorly.
222
00:08:24,652 --> 00:08:28,083
Well, look, this is not the only way
to see if we would be good parents.
223
00:08:28,171 --> 00:08:29,344
I know it's a little lame,
224
00:08:29,369 --> 00:08:31,363
but I bought a dozen eggs
at the grocery store,
225
00:08:31,381 --> 00:08:34,438
and I thought we could do that thing where
we pretend the egg is a kid for a day.
226
00:08:34,474 --> 00:08:35,975
That's a great idea!
227
00:08:36,146 --> 00:08:37,909
I don't see them.
228
00:08:38,364 --> 00:08:39,353
Oh, my God.
229
00:08:39,558 --> 00:08:41,633
- I left them at the grocery store.
- Oh, boy.
230
00:08:41,744 --> 00:08:42,958
I bought 12 babies,
231
00:08:42,964 --> 00:08:44,965
and then I immediately
abandoned them at a Kroger's.
232
00:08:44,977 --> 00:08:46,920
Look, we can use
anything as a baby.
233
00:08:46,932 --> 00:08:49,634
I mean, we could use this mug.
234
00:08:55,618 --> 00:08:57,087
I don't understand.
I was great.
235
00:08:57,130 --> 00:08:59,002
I was like Mark Z
in The Social "N."
236
00:08:59,030 --> 00:09:00,555
My testimony was amazing
for your case.
237
00:09:00,580 --> 00:09:02,093
But it wasn't the truth.
238
00:09:02,131 --> 00:09:03,528
And neither was yours.
239
00:09:03,563 --> 00:09:05,838
You even called me a...
[Whispers] vegetarian.
240
00:09:06,253 --> 00:09:07,853
What if that testimony leaks?
241
00:09:07,896 --> 00:09:09,355
How will people
ever respect me?
242
00:09:09,368 --> 00:09:12,087
Ugh, whatever.
The truth is stupid.
243
00:09:12,300 --> 00:09:14,838
I only tell the truth when it
makes me sound like I'm lying.
244
00:09:14,857 --> 00:09:16,613
Yeah, lying is all I know.
245
00:09:16,676 --> 00:09:18,985
It's how I was able to scrape by
on the streets of Bombay
246
00:09:19,004 --> 00:09:21,248
and make it on the Indian version
of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire
247
00:09:21,267 --> 00:09:22,948
and get reunited
with the love of my life,
248
00:09:22,998 --> 00:09:23,929
Latika.
249
00:09:23,941 --> 00:09:26,049
You could both take
a lesson from Andrew.
250
00:09:26,061 --> 00:09:28,377
He told the truth
about everything he was asked,
251
00:09:28,407 --> 00:09:30,402
even when it was
humiliating for him.
252
00:09:30,426 --> 00:09:32,873
That's right.
I love telling the truth.
253
00:09:32,936 --> 00:09:33,893
Case in point,
254
00:09:33,931 --> 00:09:35,573
sometimes when I blow my nose,
I get a boner.
255
00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:37,707
I don't know why.
It just happens.
256
00:09:37,810 --> 00:09:38,960
Truth bomb.
257
00:09:39,026 --> 00:09:40,800
I'm gonna call you both
back in that room,
258
00:09:40,818 --> 00:09:42,348
and you'll recant
your testimony.
259
00:09:42,379 --> 00:09:44,743
- Both: No!
- You committed perjury.
260
00:09:44,823 --> 00:09:47,361
But more importantly,
you've dishonored yourselves.
261
00:09:47,797 --> 00:09:49,135
Oh, brother.
262
00:09:50,552 --> 00:09:51,491
[Sighs]
263
00:09:51,516 --> 00:09:53,148
They are so young.
264
00:09:53,192 --> 00:09:55,263
So much to learn.
265
00:09:55,940 --> 00:09:58,653
- What are you talking about?
- I know, right? [Chuckles]
266
00:10:00,064 --> 00:10:01,331
Wisdom.
267
00:10:01,672 --> 00:10:02,696
Sick?
268
00:10:02,752 --> 00:10:05,445
Do you really expect me to believe that?
What has he got, acute wimping out?
269
00:10:05,476 --> 00:10:07,512
No, he has kidney stones.
We have proof.
270
00:10:07,517 --> 00:10:11,590
Yeah, I took a video of him
at the hospital an hour ago.
271
00:10:12,066 --> 00:10:14,868
I feel like I never gave
miles Davis proper shrift.
272
00:10:14,973 --> 00:10:16,946
Like, I just didn't
get into it.
273
00:10:16,989 --> 00:10:20,191
But the good news is I'm here
to accept the key on his behalf.
274
00:10:20,502 --> 00:10:22,002
Boy, it's just a real shame
275
00:10:22,020 --> 00:10:24,552
it had to happen today
of all days.
276
00:10:24,656 --> 00:10:25,788
Damn it!
277
00:10:25,838 --> 00:10:26,771
[Cell phone rings]
278
00:10:26,791 --> 00:10:28,248
Excuse me.
279
00:10:28,626 --> 00:10:29,919
Hi.
Everything okay?
280
00:10:29,932 --> 00:10:31,275
You want me to come back
to the hospital?
281
00:10:31,293 --> 00:10:33,439
Pfft, nah.
I'm goodie goodie.
282
00:10:33,498 --> 00:10:35,562
You just do your thing,
baby smurf.
283
00:10:35,593 --> 00:10:37,005
I mean, I wish you were here.
284
00:10:37,036 --> 00:10:38,955
It seems pretty fun
and festive.
285
00:10:38,990 --> 00:10:40,288
Town mascot is here.
286
00:10:40,313 --> 00:10:41,532
Fred the Sled?
287
00:10:41,576 --> 00:10:44,544
They only bring him out
for special occasions.
288
00:10:44,694 --> 00:10:47,096
I can't believe they're doing
all this for me.
289
00:10:47,416 --> 00:10:49,196
The universe is love.
290
00:10:49,221 --> 00:10:51,621
Okay, stay away
from sharp things.
291
00:10:51,782 --> 00:10:53,048
Well, well, well,
292
00:10:53,066 --> 00:10:55,598
heard you want to recant
your earlier statements.
293
00:10:55,661 --> 00:10:58,240
Yes, I misremembered
some things.
294
00:10:58,265 --> 00:11:00,598
I did in fact hear
Ron Swanson say
295
00:11:00,623 --> 00:11:03,109
he intended to injure
Jeremy Jamm.
296
00:11:03,383 --> 00:11:04,871
Boom, knew it.
297
00:11:04,883 --> 00:11:07,469
- Tell us about it, please.
- Which time?
298
00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:09,055
Well, how many were there?
299
00:11:09,143 --> 00:11:10,774
Well...
300
00:11:11,002 --> 00:11:12,112
Yeah, we did a trade.
301
00:11:12,131 --> 00:11:13,900
I gave his wife new enamels,
302
00:11:14,037 --> 00:11:16,052
he gave my wife new yabbos.
303
00:11:16,369 --> 00:11:17,903
Who's that gentleman?
304
00:11:17,980 --> 00:11:19,527
Jeremy Jamm, city councilman.
305
00:11:19,539 --> 00:11:21,124
- You don't know him?
- Never met him.
306
00:11:21,130 --> 00:11:23,993
He looks like he could use a swift
punch in the face though.
307
00:11:24,471 --> 00:11:25,580
[Laughing]
Yes!
308
00:11:25,598 --> 00:11:28,807
And then before he can say anything,
I just run over, shove him into the pool.
309
00:11:28,838 --> 00:11:29,864
Bully for you.
310
00:11:29,882 --> 00:11:33,241
If it were me, I would have
just punched him in the face.
311
00:11:34,457 --> 00:11:35,857
What's up, Ron?
312
00:11:35,941 --> 00:11:38,877
Just daydreaming
about punching Jamm in the face.
313
00:11:38,954 --> 00:11:40,329
And there were
a few other times too.
314
00:11:40,354 --> 00:11:42,690
- We get the picture, son.
- Hold on.
315
00:11:42,714 --> 00:11:45,849
We need your full,
truthful testimony on record.
316
00:11:45,945 --> 00:11:48,174
Keep going, Tom.
317
00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:51,174
But now, 20 years later,
318
00:11:51,265 --> 00:11:53,358
the city has finally healed
319
00:11:53,417 --> 00:11:56,747
from the festering wound
of Ice Town.
320
00:11:56,826 --> 00:12:00,725
Today we put those horribly
painful memories behind us
321
00:12:00,744 --> 00:12:04,671
as we welcome back the mayor
who made all of that possible,
322
00:12:06,022 --> 00:12:07,485
Ben Wyatt.
323
00:12:08,025 --> 00:12:09,180
[Laughter]
324
00:12:09,192 --> 00:12:11,075
Oh, that's a typo.
That's a major typo.
325
00:12:11,103 --> 00:12:13,204
That says "Ice Clown."
326
00:12:13,232 --> 00:12:14,819
I'm just realizing now
that's not a typo.
327
00:12:14,850 --> 00:12:17,010
Hey, aren't you his sister?
328
00:12:17,168 --> 00:12:18,368
I gotta get outta here.
329
00:12:18,403 --> 00:12:19,653
Good luck, Leslie.
330
00:12:19,678 --> 00:12:22,766
Here to accept the key
to the city of Partridge,
331
00:12:22,791 --> 00:12:25,716
because Mr. Wyatt
is conveniently ill,
332
00:12:25,902 --> 00:12:28,203
is his wife Leslie Knope.
333
00:12:28,413 --> 00:12:31,063
[Scattered applause]
334
00:12:31,091 --> 00:12:32,458
And it's water.
335
00:12:32,491 --> 00:12:33,639
[Laughter]
336
00:12:33,657 --> 00:12:37,166
Uhoh, the key was made of ice.
337
00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:40,868
And much like the hopes and dreams
of the people of Partridge,
338
00:12:40,904 --> 00:12:42,820
it melted away.
339
00:12:43,101 --> 00:12:45,729
Again, this would all be way
more satisfying if Ben was here.
340
00:12:45,747 --> 00:12:47,392
Okay, excuse me.
341
00:12:47,425 --> 00:12:49,388
I would like to point out
that we drove
342
00:12:49,407 --> 00:12:51,368
all the way here
from Pawnee, Indiana,
343
00:12:51,386 --> 00:12:53,722
a city with some class,
by the way.
344
00:12:54,225 --> 00:12:58,191
And, sure, my husband made
an honest mistake 20 years ago.
345
00:12:58,348 --> 00:13:00,241
But it was very meaningful
that you were gonna finally...
346
00:13:00,265 --> 00:13:01,714
- Hi, Leslie.
- Be able to forgive him.
347
00:13:01,739 --> 00:13:03,833
If it's so meaningful to him,
then where is he?
348
00:13:03,845 --> 00:13:05,327
He's in the hospital, sir.
349
00:13:05,346 --> 00:13:08,210
He has a calcified rock
lodged in his penis!
350
00:13:08,228 --> 00:13:09,254
[Laughs]
351
00:13:09,272 --> 00:13:12,155
Frankly, Ben Wyatt is the best thing
to ever come out of this crap town.
352
00:13:12,180 --> 00:13:14,422
Oh, yeah?
What about Judy Garland?
353
00:13:14,569 --> 00:13:16,119
Judy Garland's from Partridge?
354
00:13:16,138 --> 00:13:18,090
She lived here for a while.
355
00:13:18,111 --> 00:13:19,465
And Lee Janzen.
356
00:13:19,483 --> 00:13:20,621
Who's Lee Janzen?
357
00:13:20,646 --> 00:13:22,460
He's a golfer.
He's pretty good.
358
00:13:22,497 --> 00:13:24,478
Well, Ben Wyatt's
better than Lee Janzen,
359
00:13:24,497 --> 00:13:25,922
and he's better
than Judy Garland.
360
00:13:25,943 --> 00:13:26,914
[Crowd murmuring]
361
00:13:26,927 --> 00:13:28,752
That's crazy.
Judy Garland's amazing.
362
00:13:28,849 --> 00:13:32,068
But Ben Wyatt is better than all of you
because he cared about this town,
363
00:13:32,087 --> 00:13:33,418
and he tried to help it.
364
00:13:33,471 --> 00:13:35,138
You know, screw you, Partridge.
365
00:13:35,197 --> 00:13:36,744
[Crowd booing]
366
00:13:36,763 --> 00:13:40,202
And a sled is a stupid mascot.
367
00:13:42,260 --> 00:13:43,842
Thank you, Ms. Ludgate.
368
00:13:43,930 --> 00:13:46,586
It is now quite clear
that on innumerable occasions
369
00:13:46,604 --> 00:13:49,458
Ron Swanson said he intended
to punch councilman Jamm
370
00:13:49,477 --> 00:13:51,263
in the face, and then he did.
371
00:13:51,290 --> 00:13:52,627
Yeah, but who cares?
372
00:13:52,645 --> 00:13:53,777
He says a lot of things.
373
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:55,610
He's always talking about
overthrowing the government,
374
00:13:55,635 --> 00:13:56,715
but he never does that.
375
00:13:56,739 --> 00:13:58,142
Well, that'll make
a nice pull quote
376
00:13:58,166 --> 00:14:01,095
for the article about me
taking you to the cleaners.
377
00:14:01,267 --> 00:14:04,773
Mr. Swanson, if you'd like
to make a statement, you may.
378
00:14:05,113 --> 00:14:07,689
On the night I punched
councilman Jamm in the face,
379
00:14:07,701 --> 00:14:09,793
I warned him several times
to back off.
380
00:14:09,830 --> 00:14:12,723
And instead,
he attacked me twice.
381
00:14:12,872 --> 00:14:15,442
Truthfully, I barely
registered his attack.
382
00:14:15,655 --> 00:14:18,112
He's incredibly frail,
and his arms are weak.
383
00:14:18,238 --> 00:14:20,094
And when I punched him,
he dropped so quickly,
384
00:14:20,106 --> 00:14:22,505
I thought he was diving
towards the ground.
385
00:14:22,812 --> 00:14:25,114
I regret nothing.
The end.
386
00:14:25,254 --> 00:14:29,303
Well, this turned out better
than I ever imagined.
387
00:14:29,340 --> 00:14:31,280
You got Jammed
by your own team.
388
00:14:31,391 --> 00:14:32,536
Self-Jamm!
389
00:14:32,592 --> 00:14:33,742
I'll see you in court, Swanson,
390
00:14:33,773 --> 00:14:36,042
and, uh, bring your checkbook.
391
00:14:36,147 --> 00:14:38,815
I would like to punch you
in the face again.
392
00:14:39,331 --> 00:14:41,912
Okay, Paul, let's go.
[Clears throat]
393
00:14:43,604 --> 00:14:44,848
I'm glad you're feeling better.
394
00:14:44,873 --> 00:14:46,996
Well,
get your normal conversation
395
00:14:47,027 --> 00:14:48,177
in with me while you can.
396
00:14:48,201 --> 00:14:50,874
Got about 20 minutes
before I get all loopy again.
397
00:14:51,163 --> 00:14:53,144
Mm, let me see the key.
398
00:14:53,188 --> 00:14:55,328
Oh, uh, they took it back.
399
00:14:55,392 --> 00:14:56,986
They wanted to get it engraved.
400
00:14:57,017 --> 00:14:57,649
Huh.
401
00:14:57,674 --> 00:14:59,233
You know,
the key is just a metaphor.
402
00:14:59,252 --> 00:15:02,306
I mean, the real key has been
inside you all along.
403
00:15:02,414 --> 00:15:03,621
It was a setup, wasn't it?
404
00:15:03,652 --> 00:15:05,444
They were gonna make fun of me?
405
00:15:05,529 --> 00:15:06,494
[Sighs]
406
00:15:06,519 --> 00:15:07,700
Yes.
407
00:15:07,798 --> 00:15:10,833
Ice Town was a debacle.
They'll never get over it.
408
00:15:11,112 --> 00:15:12,406
Just don't know
why I got my hopes up.
409
00:15:12,431 --> 00:15:14,298
It's so unfair.
You worked so hard.
410
00:15:14,323 --> 00:15:15,586
You've done
so many great things.
411
00:15:15,597 --> 00:15:18,819
And for your hometown
to treat you this way is just--
412
00:15:20,068 --> 00:15:21,260
You know what, screw this.
413
00:15:21,272 --> 00:15:22,801
We're gonna make one more stop
before we leave.
414
00:15:22,819 --> 00:15:25,032
Tuck in your shirt.
We're going to city hall.
415
00:15:25,285 --> 00:15:27,876
So, Dr. Van Dyne, we took
the compatibility test
416
00:15:27,901 --> 00:15:30,481
that you recommended,
and we didn't do amazing.
417
00:15:30,645 --> 00:15:33,851
But I'm sure that happens
with a lot of couples, right?
418
00:15:33,863 --> 00:15:35,106
And it's not like we failed.
419
00:15:35,137 --> 00:15:36,490
We got a 58%,
420
00:15:36,521 --> 00:15:39,309
which as I'm saying it, sounds
very clearly like we failed.
421
00:15:39,453 --> 00:15:41,964
Look, there are many ways
to judge compatibility.
422
00:15:42,039 --> 00:15:44,217
Okay, you know what,
let's do a little exercise.
423
00:15:44,335 --> 00:15:47,171
I'm gonna say something
about your future child,
424
00:15:47,274 --> 00:15:49,894
and then you just say the first thing
that pops into your mind.
425
00:15:49,934 --> 00:15:51,601
Okay?
Gender.
426
00:15:51,635 --> 00:15:52,768
- Girl.
- Boy.
427
00:15:52,864 --> 00:15:54,598
Okay.
Religion.
428
00:15:54,658 --> 00:15:55,794
- Buddhist.
- Whatever he wants.
429
00:15:55,825 --> 00:15:57,457
Whatever he wants.
430
00:15:57,680 --> 00:15:59,347
Um, how 'bout occupation?
431
00:15:59,527 --> 00:16:01,596
- Teacher.
- Sixtime tour de France champion.
432
00:16:01,692 --> 00:16:02,296
Really?
433
00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:04,560
Okay, I'm sorry,
are you guys complete strangers?
434
00:16:04,566 --> 00:16:06,982
Is this one of those
craigslist father situations?
435
00:16:07,007 --> 00:16:07,863
No, no, no.
436
00:16:07,881 --> 00:16:09,909
We actually know each other
quite well.
437
00:16:09,921 --> 00:16:11,797
Yeah, we used to date actually,
438
00:16:11,859 --> 00:16:13,280
but it didn't work out
439
00:16:13,330 --> 00:16:15,861
because we had
some compatibility issues.
440
00:16:16,070 --> 00:16:18,933
You know what, why don't we just
try one more compatibility test?
441
00:16:18,964 --> 00:16:20,497
- Great, let's do it!
- No, let's not.
442
00:16:20,533 --> 00:16:21,900
[Sighs]
443
00:16:22,596 --> 00:16:24,467
Okay, well,
we all told the truth,
444
00:16:24,486 --> 00:16:26,272
and Jamm's definitely
going to win.
445
00:16:26,315 --> 00:16:27,247
What do we do now?
446
00:16:27,258 --> 00:16:29,147
I intend to do
as the court orders.
447
00:16:29,181 --> 00:16:32,144
Do you know if one can pay
court-ordered settlements in gold?
448
00:16:32,169 --> 00:16:33,857
All of my money's in gold.
449
00:16:34,054 --> 00:16:35,833
I also have some money
in palladium.
450
00:16:35,845 --> 00:16:38,249
What if it's a huge amount?
Are you gonna be okay financially?
451
00:16:38,267 --> 00:16:39,095
I think so.
452
00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:41,348
I'm actually not sure
how much money I have.
453
00:16:41,448 --> 00:16:43,917
But I do know how many pounds
of money I have.
454
00:16:43,930 --> 00:16:45,905
Whoa, whoa, that is awesome.
455
00:16:45,917 --> 00:16:48,297
Yes, it is, and I'm definitely
tweeting that to Drake
456
00:16:48,309 --> 00:16:49,477
to use in his next rhymes,
457
00:16:49,501 --> 00:16:52,385
but still I kinda feel
like this is our fault.
458
00:16:52,411 --> 00:16:55,479
Ugh, do we have to do
something nice now?
459
00:16:56,493 --> 00:16:58,703
Let me start by apologizing,
mayor Stice.
460
00:16:58,728 --> 00:17:00,675
I had no right
to disparage your town.
461
00:17:00,725 --> 00:17:02,784
Well, I owe you guys
an apology too.
462
00:17:02,802 --> 00:17:05,565
I, uh, had a little
bad publicity lately,
463
00:17:05,589 --> 00:17:09,442
and frankly, it's still really easy
to score points by bashing Wyatt.
464
00:17:09,486 --> 00:17:12,555
Can't you just give Ben
a key to the city,
465
00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:14,716
here, now, in your office,
466
00:17:14,741 --> 00:17:16,819
where no one
will know your shame?
467
00:17:17,109 --> 00:17:18,635
- Sorry, babe.
- No worries.
468
00:17:18,703 --> 00:17:20,141
I love you.
469
00:17:20,187 --> 00:17:20,819
Aw.
470
00:17:20,838 --> 00:17:23,000
You know, if people found out
471
00:17:23,070 --> 00:17:25,271
I gave Wyatt
the key to the city,
472
00:17:25,299 --> 00:17:26,660
I would never
get re-elected.
473
00:17:26,678 --> 00:17:27,615
So...
474
00:17:27,677 --> 00:17:28,684
no.
475
00:17:28,833 --> 00:17:31,034
What are you doing there,
Wyatt?
476
00:17:31,231 --> 00:17:33,281
I'm feeding your eagle.
477
00:17:33,308 --> 00:17:35,203
He's starving.
478
00:17:35,304 --> 00:17:37,308
It's... it's bronze, babe.
479
00:17:37,331 --> 00:17:39,365
- Why?
- The eagle--
480
00:17:39,474 --> 00:17:41,142
We should go.
- Yeah.
481
00:17:42,458 --> 00:17:43,634
Ann Perkins.
482
00:17:43,691 --> 00:17:47,127
I know it didn't seem to go
very well at the counselor's.
483
00:17:47,450 --> 00:17:49,887
But I have found a new quiz,
484
00:17:50,118 --> 00:17:51,431
and I think we should take it.
485
00:17:51,468 --> 00:17:52,256
Are you sure?
486
00:17:52,281 --> 00:17:56,108
Everything we do makes it seem like it's
a bad idea for us to have a kid together.
487
00:17:56,195 --> 00:17:58,004
Maybe we shouldn't even
be friends.
488
00:17:58,275 --> 00:17:59,538
Take a look.
489
00:18:00,039 --> 00:18:01,315
"Will you love our child
490
00:18:01,340 --> 00:18:04,981
and work hard to see
that he or she has a good life?"
491
00:18:05,304 --> 00:18:07,687
You see, I think that's
the only question that matters.
492
00:18:07,749 --> 00:18:09,881
All the rest of it is details.
493
00:18:10,247 --> 00:18:11,282
Yes.
494
00:18:11,382 --> 00:18:13,389
The answer is yes.
495
00:18:14,148 --> 00:18:15,821
I said the exact same thing.
496
00:18:15,902 --> 00:18:18,666
We're 100% on the same page.
497
00:18:18,718 --> 00:18:20,052
Are you sure about this?
498
00:18:20,070 --> 00:18:22,165
You are caring,
499
00:18:22,227 --> 00:18:23,277
intelligent,
500
00:18:23,308 --> 00:18:24,419
and reliable.
501
00:18:24,462 --> 00:18:27,050
And I am certain
that you will literally be
502
00:18:27,069 --> 00:18:29,324
the world's best mom.
503
00:18:29,933 --> 00:18:33,302
Wow.
This is really happening.
504
00:18:36,228 --> 00:18:38,484
- You know there's nothing in there
yet, right? - Yes, sorry.
505
00:18:39,236 --> 00:18:41,686
No, I was with Johnny Cougar
Mellencamp at that music fest.
506
00:18:41,704 --> 00:18:45,335
We both thought, biggest yabbos
we've ever seen in--
507
00:18:45,844 --> 00:18:47,601
What the hell?
That was important.
508
00:18:47,621 --> 00:18:49,338
Game's over, councilman.
509
00:18:49,463 --> 00:18:50,351
Drop the suit.
510
00:18:50,393 --> 00:18:52,543
And why exactly
would I do that?
511
00:18:52,570 --> 00:18:54,513
We took a look
at your affidavit.
512
00:18:54,563 --> 00:18:56,602
We cross-referenced it
with telephone records
513
00:18:56,626 --> 00:18:58,304
and eyewitness accounts,
514
00:18:58,328 --> 00:19:01,410
and, uh-oh,
we found 11 lies.
515
00:19:01,441 --> 00:19:03,177
Lying under oath
is called perjury,
516
00:19:03,247 --> 00:19:04,981
and they should know,
they did it yesterday.
517
00:19:05,218 --> 00:19:08,749
Well, I mean,
maybe I accidentally
518
00:19:08,786 --> 00:19:11,501
said something that wasn't--
519
00:19:11,669 --> 00:19:13,080
Let me see that.
520
00:19:13,117 --> 00:19:15,259
Ow!
My wrist!
521
00:19:15,284 --> 00:19:17,086
You twisted my arm
like a maniac!
522
00:19:17,117 --> 00:19:19,573
- Oh, no!
- You monster.
523
00:19:19,592 --> 00:19:20,523
Ow!
524
00:19:20,541 --> 00:19:22,911
You assaulted me,
and I'm injured!
525
00:19:22,935 --> 00:19:24,304
Oh, my God, Tom, are you okay?
526
00:19:24,316 --> 00:19:25,923
All right, you know what,
I see what you're doing.
527
00:19:25,942 --> 00:19:27,192
I barely touched you.
528
00:19:27,207 --> 00:19:28,344
That's not what I saw.
529
00:19:28,356 --> 00:19:30,658
My face!
Is my face still there?
530
00:19:30,813 --> 00:19:31,946
What happened to my knees?
531
00:19:31,971 --> 00:19:33,419
Someone please tell me
if Tom is okay.
532
00:19:33,425 --> 00:19:35,603
- Jamm, I'm gonna sue you.
- Okay, fine.
533
00:19:35,621 --> 00:19:39,584
Hey, listen, keep your mouths
shut about the affidavit,
534
00:19:39,615 --> 00:19:41,340
I'll drop the suit, okay?
535
00:19:41,454 --> 00:19:43,506
Hurry, Tom,
let's get you into surgery!
536
00:19:43,531 --> 00:19:44,719
Yeah.
537
00:19:45,501 --> 00:19:47,003
Yeah, it's me.
538
00:19:48,197 --> 00:19:50,010
We got Jammed.
539
00:19:50,970 --> 00:19:53,928
My friend Jack and I used to
fish this lake in the summer.
540
00:19:53,979 --> 00:19:57,114
One time,
our boat almost tipped over,
541
00:19:57,255 --> 00:19:59,724
but then it didn't.
542
00:20:00,176 --> 00:20:01,380
That's not a great story.
543
00:20:01,398 --> 00:20:03,651
Yeah, I had
a pretty uneventful childhood.
544
00:20:04,234 --> 00:20:06,204
I got you something.
545
00:20:07,017 --> 00:20:08,853
- No way.
- Yeah.
546
00:20:08,865 --> 00:20:10,422
Where did you get that?
547
00:20:10,447 --> 00:20:12,180
I stole it
from mayor Stice's office.
548
00:20:12,217 --> 00:20:14,110
Screw that guy.
You should have it.
549
00:20:14,187 --> 00:20:17,022
You're the best wife
in the world.
550
00:20:17,251 --> 00:20:19,657
But I don't want this.
551
00:20:19,906 --> 00:20:20,950
Really?
552
00:20:20,994 --> 00:20:22,782
Yeah, I mean, I love Partridge,
553
00:20:22,798 --> 00:20:24,733
but I have Pawnee now.
554
00:20:24,774 --> 00:20:26,332
And I have you.
555
00:20:26,415 --> 00:20:27,964
Well, I'm not giving it
back to Stice.
556
00:20:27,982 --> 00:20:30,111
- That guy sucks.
- Yeah.
557
00:20:30,502 --> 00:20:32,837
Well, you know what then?
558
00:20:39,003 --> 00:20:40,770
[Both chuckle]
559
00:20:41,354 --> 00:20:43,789
Hey, lake's not
a garbage can, pal.
560
00:20:43,807 --> 00:20:45,890
Yeah, sorry, it was symbolic.
561
00:20:45,915 --> 00:20:47,279
Is that Ben Wyatt?
562
00:20:47,509 --> 00:20:49,076
Get the hell out of here,
Ice Town!
563
00:20:49,095 --> 00:20:50,876
- Run! Run!
- Go, go, go, go, go.
564
00:20:50,957 --> 00:20:52,691
Sorry.
565
00:20:52,766 --> 00:20:57,766
Sync and corrections by Norther
www.addic7ed.com