1 00:00:02,236 --> 00:00:02,803 - RENT-A-SWAG SHAREHOLDERS, 2 00:00:03,637 --> 00:00:07,475 AS YOU CAN SEE, YOUR STORE IS HOPPIN'. 3 00:00:07,508 --> 00:00:08,709 THESE KIDS ARE RENTING MY OLD CLOTHES 4 00:00:08,742 --> 00:00:10,078 LIKE THEY'RE GOING OUT OF STYLE. 5 00:00:10,111 --> 00:00:11,011 WHICH THEY NEVER WILL. 6 00:00:11,045 --> 00:00:12,813 - YEAH, IT'S A LOT OF FOOT TRAFFIC, TOMMY. 7 00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:14,548 I LIKE IT. 8 00:00:14,582 --> 00:00:16,050 - OH, "DAY-YAY-YAM," 9 00:00:16,084 --> 00:00:18,052 IT IS KIND OF A SAUSAGE PARTY IN HERE. 10 00:00:18,086 --> 00:00:19,620 FOR THE RECORD, 11 00:00:19,653 --> 00:00:23,391 WOULD HIT IT, WOULD HIT, WOULD HIT. 12 00:00:23,424 --> 00:00:24,592 HARD PASS. [laughs] 13 00:00:24,625 --> 00:00:27,828 - TOM, WHO IS THIS... PERSON? 14 00:00:27,861 --> 00:00:29,663 - THIS IS MONA-LISA SAPERSTEIN, 15 00:00:29,697 --> 00:00:30,731 MY NEW SALES ASSOCIATE. 16 00:00:30,764 --> 00:00:33,801 - MONA-LISA SAPERSTEIN? 17 00:00:33,834 --> 00:00:37,071 DOES THAT MEAN-- - * OH, YEAH 18 00:00:37,105 --> 00:00:37,938 SHE'S MY SISTER. 19 00:00:37,971 --> 00:00:39,740 MY TWIN SISTER, FROM THE SAME MISTER. 20 00:00:39,773 --> 00:00:41,842 THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HIRING MONA-LISA. 21 00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:43,111 IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME. 22 00:00:43,144 --> 00:00:44,778 EVEN THOUGH, HONESTLY, SHE'S... 23 00:00:44,812 --> 00:00:46,780 * THE WO-O-ORST 24 00:00:46,814 --> 00:00:48,216 SHE IS THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD. 25 00:00:48,249 --> 00:00:49,417 HUGE SKANK. TERRIBLE. 26 00:00:49,450 --> 00:00:51,185 BUT THANK YOU. IT MEANS A LOT. 27 00:00:51,219 --> 00:00:52,820 - OF COURSE. GOT TO KEEP IT IN THE FAMILY. 28 00:00:52,853 --> 00:00:55,423 - YEAH, BUT DOES IT HAVE TO BE THIS FAMILY? 29 00:00:55,456 --> 00:00:57,091 - ACTUALLY, THAT REMINDS ME, 30 00:00:57,125 --> 00:00:58,226 [rhythmically] BA-BA-BA-BOSS MAN... 31 00:00:58,259 --> 00:00:59,393 I NEED TO LEAVE EARLY TODAY 32 00:00:59,427 --> 00:01:01,195 BECAUSE MY SHRINK GOT ME AND HIM TICKETS 33 00:01:01,229 --> 00:01:03,297 TO A PITBULL CONCERT. [squeaks] 34 00:01:03,331 --> 00:01:04,765 AND I ALREADY COMMITTED TO THAT. 35 00:01:04,798 --> 00:01:06,667 AND SO IF YOU SAY THAT I CAN'T GO, 36 00:01:06,700 --> 00:01:08,802 IT'S LIKE YOU'RE TAKING SOMETHING AWAY FROM ME. 37 00:01:08,836 --> 00:01:10,438 - UM, STORE'S REALLY BUSY. 38 00:01:10,471 --> 00:01:11,572 I KINDA NEED YOU TO STAY. - MM-HMM. 39 00:01:11,605 --> 00:01:12,540 I TOTALLY HEAR YOU. 40 00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:14,475 UM, I ALSO DON'T LIKE WHAT YOU'RE SAYING. 41 00:01:14,508 --> 00:01:15,709 SO IF YOU SAY NO, 42 00:01:15,743 --> 00:01:18,812 I WILL START A FIRE IN THE BATHROOM. 43 00:01:18,846 --> 00:01:20,614 - OKAY, I GUESS YOU CAN GO. 44 00:01:20,648 --> 00:01:22,650 - YEAH, I KNOW I CAN. [giggles] 45 00:01:22,683 --> 00:01:23,784 - WHAT DID I TELL YOU, HUH? 46 00:01:23,817 --> 00:01:28,322 * THE WO-O-O-ORST 47 00:01:28,356 --> 00:01:29,757 SHE'S THE WORST IN THE WORLD. 48 00:01:29,790 --> 00:01:31,459 JEAN-RALPHIO. HOW ARE YOU? 49 00:01:31,492 --> 00:01:34,462 [triumphant music] 50 00:01:34,495 --> 00:01:42,503 * 51 00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:52,746 - HELLO. 52 00:01:52,780 --> 00:01:54,282 WELCOME TO PAWNEE VIDEODOME. 53 00:01:54,315 --> 00:01:55,683 TODAY WE'LL BE SCREENING 54 00:01:55,716 --> 00:01:59,320 STANLEY KUBRICK'S 1957 CLASSIC PATHS OF GLORY. 55 00:01:59,353 --> 00:02:02,190 IT'S ABOUT THREE MEN WHO REFUSE TO GO ON A SUICIDE MISSION 56 00:02:02,223 --> 00:02:04,192 AND ARE EXECUTED FOR COWARDICE. 57 00:02:04,225 --> 00:02:06,227 - OR WE COULD, YOU KNOW, MAYBE SCREEN A DIFFERENT MOVIE. 58 00:02:06,260 --> 00:02:07,861 ONE THAT'S A LITTLE BIT MORE UPBEAT. 59 00:02:07,895 --> 00:02:09,497 LIKE FINDING NEMO OR... 60 00:02:09,530 --> 00:02:11,499 - I COULD DO, UH, SHOAH. 61 00:02:11,532 --> 00:02:14,168 - OKAY, PATHS OF GLORY IT IS. 62 00:02:14,202 --> 00:02:15,869 THIS IS THE PAWNEE VIDEODOME. 63 00:02:15,903 --> 00:02:16,970 AND WE ARE HERE 64 00:02:17,004 --> 00:02:18,872 BECAUSE I STARTED A PROGRAM TO HELP LOCAL BUSINESS. 65 00:02:18,906 --> 00:02:20,841 THIS IS A PAWNEE INSTITUTION. 66 00:02:20,874 --> 00:02:22,810 THIS IS THE PLACE WHERE PERD HAPLEY 67 00:02:22,843 --> 00:02:25,813 SHOT HIS MOVIE REVIEW SHOW LIGHTS, CAMERA, PERD. 68 00:02:25,846 --> 00:02:28,849 - IT'S A HEARTWARMING STORY, BUT IT'S JUST NOT BELIEVABLE. 69 00:02:28,882 --> 00:02:31,819 WHICH IS WHY I GIVE E.T. 1 1/2 STARS. 70 00:02:31,852 --> 00:02:33,687 [applause] 71 00:02:33,721 --> 00:02:35,756 - ANDY, IT'S OVER. 72 00:02:35,789 --> 00:02:37,525 GET UP, ANDY. 73 00:02:37,558 --> 00:02:38,792 - WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 74 00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:39,893 [stammers] WHAT'S EVERYBODY-- WHERE ARE WE? 75 00:02:39,927 --> 00:02:41,595 - THE REASON I LOVE THAT FILM 76 00:02:41,629 --> 00:02:43,531 IS THAT IT'S REALLY DEPRESSING. 77 00:02:43,564 --> 00:02:44,665 SPEAKING OF WHICH, SADLY, 78 00:02:44,698 --> 00:02:45,899 NEXT MONTH, 79 00:02:45,933 --> 00:02:48,536 PAWNEE VIDEODOME WILL BE CLOSING ITS DOORS. 80 00:02:48,569 --> 00:02:50,504 FOREVER. - NO! 81 00:02:50,538 --> 00:02:52,640 - FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT HAVE ATTENDED OUR SCREENINGS, 82 00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:54,342 I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATRONAGE, 83 00:02:54,375 --> 00:02:56,910 THOUGH I WISH YOU WOULD HAVE RENTED MORE MOVIES. 84 00:02:56,944 --> 00:02:59,680 - GUYS, WE HAVE TO HELP OUT DENNIS AND HIS BUSINESS. 85 00:02:59,713 --> 00:03:01,915 EVERYBODY RENT SOMETHING, SO WE CAN HELP DENNIS. 86 00:03:01,949 --> 00:03:02,883 SIR, WILL YOU RENT SOMETHING? 87 00:03:02,916 --> 00:03:03,984 - WHY WOULD I DO THAT? 88 00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:05,786 ALL MOVIES ARE ONLINE FOR FREE. 89 00:03:05,819 --> 00:03:07,755 I'M WATCHING IRON MAN 2 ON MY PHONE RIGHT NOW. 90 00:03:07,788 --> 00:03:09,257 - OKAY, YOU'RE NOT HELPING. 91 00:03:09,290 --> 00:03:11,759 I, FOR ONE, AM GOING TO RENT FINDING NEMO. 92 00:03:11,792 --> 00:03:13,861 - OOH, WE DON'T CARRY CARTOONS. 93 00:03:13,894 --> 00:03:15,896 BUT IF YOU WANT A FILM ABOUT THE OCEAN, 94 00:03:15,929 --> 00:03:17,465 WE HAVE A DOCUMENTARY 95 00:03:17,498 --> 00:03:19,667 ABOUT THE BRUTALITY OF JAPAN'S WHALING INDUSTRY. 96 00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:21,469 IT'S CALLED TEARS OF MY BLOWHOLE. 97 00:03:21,502 --> 00:03:22,836 AND IT'S--IT'S NAUSEATING. 98 00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:24,738 - [stammers] I'LL JUST BUY SOME RED VINES. 99 00:03:24,772 --> 00:03:27,375 - OH, WE ONLY HAVE JAPANESE SLIME CANDY 100 00:03:27,408 --> 00:03:28,976 AND, UM, BULGARIAN WHEAT BALLS. 101 00:03:29,009 --> 00:03:32,846 - LESLIE, SERIOUSLY, WHERE ARE WE? 102 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:35,749 - ALL THESE KIDS HAVE FATHERS 103 00:03:35,783 --> 00:03:37,885 AND MOTHERS WHO HAVE BIRTHED THEM 104 00:03:37,918 --> 00:03:39,820 AND ARE GUIDING THEM THROUGH LIFE. 105 00:03:39,853 --> 00:03:42,756 - YEP, THAT'S HOW IT WORKS. 106 00:03:42,790 --> 00:03:43,957 HOW ARE YOU FEELING? 107 00:03:43,991 --> 00:03:46,260 DID YOU MAKE YOUR DAD-CISION YET? 108 00:03:46,294 --> 00:03:47,861 - I AM 100% CERTAIN 109 00:03:47,895 --> 00:03:50,398 THAT I AM 0% SURE OF WHAT I'M GOING TO DO. 110 00:03:50,431 --> 00:03:53,534 ANN PERKINS ASKED ME IF I WOULD LIKE TO DONATE SPERM, 111 00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:54,768 SO SHE CAN HAVE A BABY. 112 00:03:54,802 --> 00:03:56,970 IT'S A BATTLE BETWEEN MY PRIMAL DESIRE 113 00:03:57,004 --> 00:03:58,672 TO BRING A CHILD INTO THIS WORLD 114 00:03:58,706 --> 00:04:00,274 AND MY PARALYZING FEAR 115 00:04:00,308 --> 00:04:03,644 OF NEGATIVELY AFFECTING ANY LIVING THING. 116 00:04:03,677 --> 00:04:05,279 - THERE'S $60 MISSING FROM THE REGISTER. 117 00:04:05,313 --> 00:04:06,980 I THINK MONA-LISA'S STEALING FROM ME. 118 00:04:07,014 --> 00:04:08,849 - YEAH, IT IS ABSOLUTELY MONA-LISA. 119 00:04:08,882 --> 00:04:10,017 100%. SHE'S A TOTAL KLEPTO. 120 00:04:10,050 --> 00:04:12,486 AND NYMPHO AND PYRO-- ALL THOSE THINGS. 121 00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:13,754 - OKAY, AS YOUR CFO, 122 00:04:13,787 --> 00:04:15,389 I RECOMMEND GETTING RID OF HER IMMEDIATELY. 123 00:04:15,423 --> 00:04:17,291 - I'M THROWING A HUGE COCKTAIL PARTY TOMORROW 124 00:04:17,325 --> 00:04:18,459 FOR ALL MY BEST CLIENTS. 125 00:04:18,492 --> 00:04:19,660 I DON'T HAVE TIME TO FIND SOMEONE NEW. 126 00:04:19,693 --> 00:04:20,861 [groans] THIS SUCKS. 127 00:04:20,894 --> 00:04:23,431 - YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL, 128 00:04:23,464 --> 00:04:24,665 WE HAD TO SPEND A WEEK 129 00:04:24,698 --> 00:04:26,066 CARRYING AROUND A SACK OF FLOUR, 130 00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:27,601 PRETENDING IT WAS A KID. 131 00:04:27,635 --> 00:04:31,004 WHY DON'T YOU MAKE TOM YOUR SACK OF FLOUR, 132 00:04:31,038 --> 00:04:33,774 SEE HOW IT FEELS TO PARENT HIM A LITTLE? 133 00:04:33,807 --> 00:04:36,477 - BEN, THAT IS LITERALLY 134 00:04:36,510 --> 00:04:38,045 THE GREATEST IDEA IN HUMAN HISTORY. 135 00:04:38,078 --> 00:04:40,481 - I HEARD "SACK OF FLOUR" AND "HIGH SCHOOL." 136 00:04:40,514 --> 00:04:42,850 ARE YOU DINGDONGS MAKING FAKE DRUGS FOR SOPHOMORES? 137 00:04:42,883 --> 00:04:45,353 BECAUSE IF TRUE, THIS GUY WANTS IN. 138 00:04:45,386 --> 00:04:48,356 - YEAH, JUST HAVE MR. TRAEGER CALL ME WHEN HE GETS BACK IN. 139 00:04:48,389 --> 00:04:49,823 ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT? 140 00:04:49,857 --> 00:04:50,924 DON'T TELL HIM THAT I CALLED. 141 00:04:50,958 --> 00:04:52,393 JUST WHEN HE GETS THERE, CAN YOU TEXT ME 142 00:04:52,426 --> 00:04:53,427 AND TELL ME HE'S BACK? 143 00:04:53,461 --> 00:04:54,762 YOU KNOW WHAT? 144 00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:56,096 LET'S JUST PRETEND THIS DIDN'T HAPPEN, OKAY? 145 00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:58,332 THIS IS JERRY GERGICH CALLING. BYE. 146 00:04:58,366 --> 00:05:00,033 - I HAVE TO TELL YOU A SECRET. 147 00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:01,835 BUT IF YOU TELL ANYONE, 148 00:05:01,869 --> 00:05:04,405 I WILL KILL YOU SLOWLY WITH A GIANT SYRINGE. 149 00:05:04,438 --> 00:05:06,674 - GOOD MORNING, APRIL. WHAT'S YOUR SECRET? 150 00:05:06,707 --> 00:05:08,075 - I'M THINKING ABOUT APPLYING TO VETERINARY SCHOOL 151 00:05:08,108 --> 00:05:09,510 IN BLOOMINGTON. 152 00:05:09,543 --> 00:05:11,479 - [sighs] OH, MY GOD, APRIL, THAT'S GREAT! 153 00:05:11,512 --> 00:05:13,381 WHOA! WHERE'D YOU GET THAT? 154 00:05:13,414 --> 00:05:14,782 - THE INTERNET. 155 00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:17,050 SO I REALLY NEED A LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION. 156 00:05:17,084 --> 00:05:18,752 AND SINCE YOU WORK IN A HOSPITAL, 157 00:05:18,786 --> 00:05:19,920 AS A JANITOR... - NURSE. 158 00:05:19,953 --> 00:05:24,458 - I WAS WONDERING IF MAYBE YOU WOULD WRITE ONE FOR ME? 159 00:05:24,492 --> 00:05:26,059 - REALLY? 160 00:05:26,093 --> 00:05:27,361 GENERALLY, BETWEEN US, 161 00:05:27,395 --> 00:05:29,663 APRIL ALWAYS HAS THE UPPER HAND. 162 00:05:29,697 --> 00:05:32,366 AND THAT HAND IS USUALLY GIVING ME THE FINGER 163 00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:33,934 OR POURING HONEY IN MY PURSE. 164 00:05:33,967 --> 00:05:35,736 BUT NOW I HAVE THE UPPER HAND. 165 00:05:35,769 --> 00:05:36,904 AND I'M GOING TO USE IT 166 00:05:36,937 --> 00:05:38,806 TO CRUSH HER... 167 00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:40,774 INTO BEING NICE TO ME. 168 00:05:40,808 --> 00:05:43,444 I WOULD BE HAPPY TO WRITE YOU THAT LETTER. 169 00:05:43,477 --> 00:05:44,578 I ACTUALLY KNOW THE GUY WHO RUNS 170 00:05:44,612 --> 00:05:45,813 THE VETERINARY PROGRAM OVER THERE. 171 00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:47,481 - BECAUSE YOU HOOKED UP WITH HIM? 172 00:05:47,515 --> 00:05:49,550 - I DON'T HOOK UP WITH EVERYONE I KNOW. 173 00:05:49,583 --> 00:05:50,751 ALTHOUGH, YES, WE DID HOOK UP. 174 00:05:50,784 --> 00:05:52,019 BUT BEFORE I WRITE YOU THAT LETTER, 175 00:05:52,052 --> 00:05:54,388 YOU HAVE TO SPEND THE NEXT WEEK WITH ME 176 00:05:54,422 --> 00:05:55,355 AND DO EVERYTHING I SAY. 177 00:05:55,389 --> 00:05:57,658 - SO I HAVE TO BE YOUR SLAVE OR SOMETHING? 178 00:05:57,691 --> 00:05:59,493 - NO, YOU HAVE TO BE MY FRIEND. 179 00:05:59,527 --> 00:06:01,395 - NO, THAT IS SO MUCH WORSE. 180 00:06:01,429 --> 00:06:02,830 - DON'T DO THAT. 181 00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:05,399 - I THINK I HAVE A PLAN OF HOW TO SAVE YOUR STORE. 182 00:06:05,433 --> 00:06:07,868 IF WE GET THE PAWNEE HISTORICAL SOCIETY 183 00:06:07,901 --> 00:06:10,137 TO DECLARE YOUR STORE AS A HISTORICAL LANDMARK, 184 00:06:10,170 --> 00:06:12,406 THEN YOU MIGHT GET ENOUGH OF A TAX BREAK 185 00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:13,574 TO KEEP YOUR BUSINESS AFLOAT. 186 00:06:13,607 --> 00:06:14,775 - THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE GOVERNMENT 187 00:06:14,808 --> 00:06:16,744 MEDDLING IN PRIVATE ENTERPRISE. 188 00:06:16,777 --> 00:06:18,712 - WELL, RON, WE ALL KNOW 189 00:06:18,746 --> 00:06:20,113 HOW MUCH YOU LOVE THE FREE MARKET. 190 00:06:20,147 --> 00:06:23,917 BUT THE PAWNEE VIDEODOME IS THE ONLY PLACE IN TOWN 191 00:06:23,951 --> 00:06:25,819 WHERE PEOPLE GATHER TO DO SOMETHING INTELLECTUAL. 192 00:06:25,853 --> 00:06:28,922 THAT AND THE SLAM POETRY NIGHTS AT BEANIE'S COFFEE. 193 00:06:28,956 --> 00:06:29,757 BUT I DO NOT COUNT THOSE 194 00:06:29,790 --> 00:06:31,492 BECAUSE THOSE POEMS DO NOT RHYME. 195 00:06:31,525 --> 00:06:35,629 [rapping style] ANYTHING CAN BE A SLAM POEM 196 00:06:35,663 --> 00:06:36,764 IF YOU SAY IT LIKE THIS. 197 00:06:36,797 --> 00:06:38,098 [scoffs] IT'S POINTLESS. 198 00:06:38,131 --> 00:06:39,900 - THIS MAN IS A FAILURE. 199 00:06:39,933 --> 00:06:41,835 HE IS NOT UP TO SNUFF. 200 00:06:41,869 --> 00:06:43,937 HIS BUSINESS IS FAILING, AND YOU'RE BAILING IT OUT. 201 00:06:43,971 --> 00:06:45,973 THIS IS A BAILOUT, AND I DON'T LIKE IT. 202 00:06:46,006 --> 00:06:47,975 AND THERE ARE SOME PRETTY INTELLECTUAL CONVERSATIONS 203 00:06:48,008 --> 00:06:49,910 DOWN AT BARRETT'S HARDWARE. 204 00:06:49,943 --> 00:06:52,012 - YOU MAY GET A LITTLE HEAT FOR THIS, OKAY? 205 00:06:52,045 --> 00:06:54,047 SO USE YOUR MONEY WISELY. 206 00:06:54,081 --> 00:06:56,550 GET POPULAR FILMS THAT PEOPLE WANNA SEE. 207 00:06:56,584 --> 00:06:57,918 - LIKE, UH, 208 00:06:57,951 --> 00:07:00,521 GET THE TARKOVSKY MOVIES WITH THE SUBTITLES. 209 00:07:00,554 --> 00:07:01,789 - NO. LIKE PIXAR. 210 00:07:01,822 --> 00:07:03,123 REESE WITHERSPOON. 211 00:07:03,156 --> 00:07:04,492 I KNOW THIS IS GONNA HURT, 212 00:07:04,525 --> 00:07:05,626 BUT MAYBE SOME MICHAEL BAY. 213 00:07:05,659 --> 00:07:07,861 - WHAT? NO, NO. NO. 214 00:07:08,962 --> 00:07:11,231 - TOM, I HAVE SOMETHING I NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT. 215 00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:13,867 - DO WE NEED TO SIT LIKE THIS? - YES. 216 00:07:13,901 --> 00:07:15,936 MONA-LISA'S TAKING ADVANTAGE OF YOU. 217 00:07:15,969 --> 00:07:17,638 AND I'M SURE THAT IT'S NOT EASY 218 00:07:17,671 --> 00:07:19,540 WHEN IT'S THE SISTER OF A DEAR FRIEND. 219 00:07:19,573 --> 00:07:20,908 - OH, NO, IT'S NOT THAT. 220 00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:22,242 SHE SCARES THE CRAP OUT OF ME. 221 00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:24,812 I ONCE SAW HER PUNCH A POLICE HORSE IN THE FACE. 222 00:07:24,845 --> 00:07:26,547 - SPEAK DIRECTLY TO HER 223 00:07:26,580 --> 00:07:30,083 AND TELL HER, "I WILL NOT BE DISRESPECTED." 224 00:07:30,117 --> 00:07:31,952 YOU'RE TOM HAVERFORD. 225 00:07:31,985 --> 00:07:34,588 YOU'RE A SMART, SUCCESSFUL YOUNG MAN 226 00:07:34,622 --> 00:07:36,590 WITH AN ADORABLE, LITTLE BELLY. 227 00:07:36,624 --> 00:07:37,858 STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. 228 00:07:37,891 --> 00:07:39,927 - YEAH, I'LL TALK TO HER BEFORE THE PARTY. 229 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,194 AND IF SHE MURDERS ME, 230 00:07:41,228 --> 00:07:44,565 TELL JEAN-RALPHIO TO CLEAR MY BROWSER HISTORY. 231 00:07:44,598 --> 00:07:45,966 THANKS FOR THE ADVICE, MAN. 232 00:07:45,999 --> 00:07:47,768 - YOU'RE WELCOME. 233 00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:48,936 SON. 234 00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:49,803 - WHAT'S THAT? 235 00:07:49,837 --> 00:07:51,639 - NOTHING. - ALL RIGHT. 236 00:07:51,672 --> 00:07:53,206 - PAWNEE VIDEODOME 237 00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:55,108 IS WHERE I RENTED MY FIRST BRUCE LEE MOVIE. 238 00:07:55,142 --> 00:07:58,045 AND MY SECOND BRUCE LEE MOVIE. 239 00:07:58,078 --> 00:07:59,947 AND WHEN I WAS IN SEVENTH GRADE, 240 00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:01,815 I WENT OUT BACK IN THE ALLEY BEHIND THE STORE, 241 00:08:01,849 --> 00:08:04,117 AND THERE WAS A GIANT HORNET'S NEST. 242 00:08:04,151 --> 00:08:06,787 AND I THREW A ROCK AT IT, AND IT EXPLODED. 243 00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:08,989 AND HORNETS CAME OUT. - ANDY-- 244 00:08:09,022 --> 00:08:10,558 - [loudly] THE POINT IS, 245 00:08:10,591 --> 00:08:11,925 OBVIOUSLY, 246 00:08:11,959 --> 00:08:15,963 YOU DO NOT THROW ROCKS AT A HORNET'S NEST. 247 00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:17,297 - [stammers] AND THE POINT IS ALSO 248 00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:19,600 THAT THE PAWNEE VIDEODOME IS A PLACE 249 00:08:19,633 --> 00:08:21,569 WITH TREMENDOUS COMMUNITY VALUE, 250 00:08:21,602 --> 00:08:23,671 WHERE PEOPLE GATHER TO EXPAND THEIR HORIZONS. 251 00:08:23,704 --> 00:08:25,739 ANY OTHER COMMENTS HERE BEFORE WE VO-- 252 00:08:25,773 --> 00:08:27,007 - [clears throat] - RON? 253 00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:28,742 WHAT ARE YOU DOING AT A CITY COUNCIL MEETING? 254 00:08:28,776 --> 00:08:30,978 ARE YOU LOST? ARE YOU HURT? 255 00:08:31,011 --> 00:08:32,880 - NO, I AM HERE TO EXPRESS AN OPINION. 256 00:08:32,913 --> 00:08:35,148 THIS ACTION BY COUNCILWOMAN KNOPE 257 00:08:35,182 --> 00:08:36,550 IS NOTHING MORE 258 00:08:36,584 --> 00:08:38,652 THAN A THINLY VEILED GOVERNMENT BAILOUT. 259 00:08:38,686 --> 00:08:41,689 AND I, FOR ONE, REFUSE TO LET HER TURN THIS TOWN 260 00:08:41,722 --> 00:08:43,323 INTO A SOCIALIST HELLSCAPE. 261 00:08:46,994 --> 00:08:47,194 . 262 00:08:47,227 --> 00:08:48,295 - THE GOVERNMENT SHOULD NOT PROP UP A FAILED BUSINESS. 263 00:08:49,496 --> 00:08:53,100 THAT WOULD BE LIKE GIVING FOOD TO A MORTALLY WOUNDED ANIMAL 264 00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:54,835 INSTEAD OF SLITTING ITS THROAT 265 00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:56,904 AND PROPERLY UTILIZING ITS MEAT AND PELT. 266 00:08:56,937 --> 00:08:59,740 - PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT WOUNDED MEAT. 267 00:08:59,773 --> 00:09:03,076 PAWNEE NEEDS A PLACE WHERE THE COMMUNITY CAN GATHER 268 00:09:03,110 --> 00:09:04,377 TO DISCUSS AND APPRECIATE ART. 269 00:09:04,411 --> 00:09:08,048 A PLACE WHERE YOU CAN RENT SUCH FILMS AS CINEMA PARADISO 270 00:09:08,081 --> 00:09:09,917 OR RASHOMON. 271 00:09:09,950 --> 00:09:11,151 - YOU RENTED RASHOMON? 272 00:09:11,184 --> 00:09:13,186 WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE PART OF THAT? 273 00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:14,855 - I HAVEN'T RENTED IT, ACTUALLY, YET. 274 00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:17,157 BUT I LIKE THE IDEA THAT THERE IS A PLACE 275 00:09:17,190 --> 00:09:19,192 WHERE I COULD RENT RASHOMON. 276 00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:21,228 - UH, YOU CAN JUST WATCH IT ONLINE, 277 00:09:21,261 --> 00:09:22,863 FOR FREE, WHENEVER YOU WANT. 278 00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:23,964 - BAILIFF! 279 00:09:23,997 --> 00:09:25,032 THANK YOU, MR. SWANSON, 280 00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:28,135 FOR YOUR ABSURD OPINION, WHICH IS SHARED BY NO ONE. 281 00:09:28,168 --> 00:09:30,037 NOW, ARE THERE ANY MORE PUBLIC COMMENTS 282 00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:33,173 BEFORE WE VOTE? MM. 283 00:09:33,206 --> 00:09:34,975 - HOW MUCH TO RENT THIS JACKET? 284 00:09:35,008 --> 00:09:37,878 - OH. CURLY SUE, THAT JACKET IS SO UGLY. 285 00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:39,012 YOU SHOULD JUST TAKE IT. 286 00:09:39,046 --> 00:09:40,213 - IT'S 15 FOR THE DAY, 287 00:09:40,247 --> 00:09:41,381 40 FOR THE WEEK. 288 00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:42,850 THANK YOU. 289 00:09:42,883 --> 00:09:44,217 WE APPRECIATE YOUR BUSINESS. 290 00:09:44,251 --> 00:09:45,452 MONA-LISA! 291 00:09:45,485 --> 00:09:46,586 DID YOU ORDER THE CHAMPAGNE FOR THE CLIENT PARTY TONIGHT? 292 00:09:46,620 --> 00:09:50,223 - DID I ORDER THE WHAT FOR THE WHAT-WHAT WHAT, WHAT? 293 00:09:50,257 --> 00:09:52,392 WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW? 294 00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:54,194 - OKAY, WE NEED TO DISCUSS YOUR WORK HABITS. 295 00:09:54,227 --> 00:09:56,296 - OKAY, SURE, BUT AFTER I TAKE A QUICK NAP 296 00:09:56,329 --> 00:09:59,099 BECAUSE ECSTASY TAKES 297 00:09:59,132 --> 00:10:01,201 * FOREVER TO LEAVE MY SYSTEM 298 00:10:01,234 --> 00:10:04,104 - NO. WE'RE DOING THIS NOW. - [groans] 299 00:10:04,137 --> 00:10:06,039 - YOU NEED TO START PUTTING IN MORE OF AN EFFORT 300 00:10:06,073 --> 00:10:07,808 AND START RESPECTING MY AUTHORITY AROUND HERE! 301 00:10:07,841 --> 00:10:08,809 - OR ELSE WHAT? 302 00:10:08,842 --> 00:10:11,244 - OR ELSE I'LL FIRE YOU. 303 00:10:11,278 --> 00:10:12,245 - WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? 304 00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:14,682 - I SAID, IF YOU DON'T SHAPE UP, I'LL FIRE YOU. 305 00:10:14,715 --> 00:10:15,548 DO YOU UNDERSTAND? 306 00:10:15,582 --> 00:10:18,285 - YOU ARE SO FREAKING SEXY RIGHT NOW, 307 00:10:18,318 --> 00:10:19,352 I COULD CRAP MY PANTS. 308 00:10:19,386 --> 00:10:21,221 - UGH. - [kisses] 309 00:10:21,254 --> 00:10:22,690 - WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 310 00:10:22,723 --> 00:10:23,757 [screams] 311 00:10:23,791 --> 00:10:25,292 - I GUESS IT WOULD HAVE TO BE 312 00:10:25,325 --> 00:10:27,027 CHANNING TATUM'S BODY, 313 00:10:27,060 --> 00:10:29,029 RYAN GOSLING'S FACE, 314 00:10:29,062 --> 00:10:32,666 AND MICHAEL FASSBENDER'S... SENSE OF HUMOR. 315 00:10:32,700 --> 00:10:33,967 WHAT ABOUT YOU? 316 00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:35,002 BUILD YOUR PERFECT GUY. 317 00:10:35,035 --> 00:10:36,003 - UM... 318 00:10:36,036 --> 00:10:37,671 YAO MING'S TORSO, 319 00:10:37,705 --> 00:10:39,239 NAPOLEON'S BRAIN, 320 00:10:39,272 --> 00:10:41,842 AND THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME'S HUNCHBACK. 321 00:10:41,875 --> 00:10:43,010 DO YOU LIKE MY NAILS? 322 00:10:43,043 --> 00:10:45,145 - EVEN THOUGH SHE HIDES IT 323 00:10:45,178 --> 00:10:47,881 UNDERNEATH LAYERS OF SARCASM, RESENTMENT, AND GRUMPINESS, 324 00:10:47,915 --> 00:10:49,883 I KNOW, DEEP DOWN SOMEWHERE, 325 00:10:49,917 --> 00:10:51,318 APRIL LIKES ME. 326 00:10:51,351 --> 00:10:53,887 I'M KIND OF JUST FRACKING FOR FRIENDSHIP. 327 00:10:53,921 --> 00:10:56,990 - GENE STRACKWELL, OWNER OF STRACKWELL HARDWARE. 328 00:10:57,024 --> 00:10:59,793 IS THERE A FORM I NEED TO FILL OUT FOR THE BAILOUT? 329 00:10:59,827 --> 00:11:01,962 - [stammers] WE'RE NOT BAILING ANYONE OUT. 330 00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:05,733 PAWNEE VIDEODOME IS RECEIVING HISTORICAL LANDMARK STATUS. 331 00:11:05,766 --> 00:11:06,900 - WE'VE BEEN AROUND WAY LONGER 332 00:11:06,934 --> 00:11:09,136 THAN THAT STUPID ART HOUSE MOVIE BULLCRAP. 333 00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:12,072 AND PEOPLE NEED PLACES TO BUY TOOLS. 334 00:11:12,105 --> 00:11:13,473 - UH, YOU CAN JUST BUY TOOLS ONLINE. 335 00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:15,075 BAILIFF, WHY IS HE BACK IN HERE? 336 00:11:15,108 --> 00:11:16,076 HOW DID YOU GET BACK IN HERE? 337 00:11:16,109 --> 00:11:17,811 - I'LL SEE MYSELF OUT. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. 338 00:11:17,845 --> 00:11:19,747 - I HEARD YOU WERE GIVING OUT FREE MONEY. 339 00:11:19,780 --> 00:11:21,248 I NEED $3,000. 340 00:11:21,281 --> 00:11:22,349 MINIMUM. 341 00:11:22,382 --> 00:11:24,284 - MR. FANTRINGHAM, THE CITY OF PAWNEE 342 00:11:24,317 --> 00:11:25,819 IS NOT GONNA GIVE YOU A PERSONAL LOAN. 343 00:11:25,853 --> 00:11:27,821 - WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ONE OF YOUR CITIZENS 344 00:11:27,855 --> 00:11:30,223 WAS ABOUT TO COME INTO SOME SERIOUS PHYSICAL HARM... 345 00:11:30,257 --> 00:11:32,826 UNLESS HE GOT $3,000? 346 00:11:32,860 --> 00:11:34,127 - I'D CALL THE POLICE. 347 00:11:34,161 --> 00:11:36,196 - YOU CANNOT CALL THE POLICE. 348 00:11:36,229 --> 00:11:39,199 - WILSON GROMLING OF THE "LIBERTY OR DIE" PARTY. 349 00:11:39,232 --> 00:11:42,102 THESE GOVERNMENT HANDOUTS ARE DEPLORABLE. 350 00:11:42,135 --> 00:11:43,804 YOU'RE JUST HANDING OUT BLANK CHECKS. 351 00:11:43,837 --> 00:11:45,005 I WAS ON FOOD STAMPS. 352 00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:46,139 I WAS ON WELFARE. 353 00:11:46,173 --> 00:11:47,474 AND NOBODY EVER HELPED ME. 354 00:11:47,507 --> 00:11:49,242 - THIS IS NOT A BLANK CHECK. 355 00:11:49,276 --> 00:11:51,311 I HAVE GIVEN SPECIFIC INSTRUCTIONS 356 00:11:51,344 --> 00:11:52,780 TO THE PAWNEE VIDEODOME 357 00:11:52,813 --> 00:11:54,347 ABOUT HOW THEY ARE GOING TO SPEND THEIR MONEY. 358 00:11:54,381 --> 00:11:56,950 IN A FEW DAYS, DENNIS WILL REOPEN. 359 00:11:56,984 --> 00:11:58,952 THE STORE WILL SERVE A WIDER RANGE 360 00:11:58,986 --> 00:12:00,020 OF PAWNEE'S CITIZENS, 361 00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:04,057 AND A PAWNEE CULTURAL INSTITUTION WILL BE SAVED. 362 00:12:04,091 --> 00:12:05,993 - ARE THERE ANY OTHER COMMENTS? - YES. 363 00:12:06,026 --> 00:12:09,129 THE PAWNEE CHAPTER OF THE "LIBERTY OR DIE" PARTY 364 00:12:09,162 --> 00:12:10,397 HAS HIT SOME HARD TIMES. 365 00:12:10,430 --> 00:12:11,965 WE WERE WONDERING 366 00:12:11,999 --> 00:12:14,367 IF MAYBE THE TOWN COULD LOAN US SOME MONEY. 367 00:12:14,401 --> 00:12:16,136 - MM-HMM. 368 00:12:16,169 --> 00:12:19,372 - TOM, HOW DID IT GO WITH MONA-LISA? 369 00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:21,408 - I TOLD HER SHE NEEDED TO CHANGE HER ATTITUDE, 370 00:12:21,441 --> 00:12:23,443 OR I WAS GONNA HAVE TO FIRE HER. 371 00:12:23,476 --> 00:12:26,346 - WELL, THAT IS VERY RESPONSIBLE AND MATURE. 372 00:12:26,379 --> 00:12:27,514 SHE TOOK IT WELL? 373 00:12:27,547 --> 00:12:30,183 - UM...YEAH. 374 00:12:30,217 --> 00:12:33,120 FOR SOME REASON, SHE GOT SUPER TURNED ON. 375 00:12:33,153 --> 00:12:35,522 WE STARTED MAKING OUT. HARD. 376 00:12:35,555 --> 00:12:37,224 NEXT THING YOU KNOW, WE'RE BACK AT MY PLACE, 377 00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:38,892 HAVING SEX. 378 00:12:38,926 --> 00:12:40,293 WE'RE TOGETHER NOW. 379 00:12:40,327 --> 00:12:42,295 - HEY, BITCH, I NEED TO BORROW SOME MONEY 380 00:12:42,329 --> 00:12:44,464 TO DO SOMETHING THAT IS NONE OF YOUR DAMN BEESWAX, 381 00:12:44,497 --> 00:12:47,801 NAMELY, I NEED TO WAX MY BEE. 382 00:12:47,835 --> 00:12:48,802 - HERE YOU GO. 383 00:12:48,836 --> 00:12:50,437 - I'D STILL HIT IT. 384 00:12:50,470 --> 00:12:52,039 I'M COOLIN' ON YOU. 385 00:12:52,072 --> 00:12:55,508 - SEE? PERFECT! 386 00:12:55,542 --> 00:12:57,444 - [sighs] OKAY, YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE ONE. 387 00:12:57,477 --> 00:12:58,478 - I CAN'T THINK. 388 00:12:58,511 --> 00:13:01,214 THESE BRAIDS YOU DID ARE MAKING MY BRAIN HURT. 389 00:13:01,248 --> 00:13:03,283 FINE. MIRANDA. 390 00:13:03,316 --> 00:13:04,852 - NO, I THINK YOU'RE A CHARLOTTE. 391 00:13:04,885 --> 00:13:06,954 YOU'RE LIKE A SCARY CHARLOTTE. 392 00:13:06,987 --> 00:13:08,221 - [sighs] HEY. 393 00:13:08,255 --> 00:13:09,890 - HEY, YOU. 394 00:13:09,923 --> 00:13:12,359 WHAT'S-- WHAT'S UP? 395 00:13:12,392 --> 00:13:14,127 - NOTHIN'. 396 00:13:14,161 --> 00:13:15,963 - THIS IS WEIRD. 397 00:13:15,996 --> 00:13:17,264 - NO, IT'S NOT. - YEAH, IT IS. 398 00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:18,832 WHY IS IT WEIRD? - IT'S NOT WEIRD. 399 00:13:18,866 --> 00:13:21,134 DO YOU WANT TO TALK IN PRIVATE? 400 00:13:21,168 --> 00:13:22,936 - NO, ANYTHING YOU CAN SAY TO ANN, YOU CAN SAY TO ME 401 00:13:22,970 --> 00:13:25,005 BECAUSE WE'RE BEST FRIENDS THIS WEEK. 402 00:13:25,038 --> 00:13:26,173 - C-CAN WE TALK LATER? 403 00:13:26,206 --> 00:13:27,174 - YEAH. - OKAY. 404 00:13:27,207 --> 00:13:28,241 - WHY DON'T YOU TALK NOW? 405 00:13:28,275 --> 00:13:29,376 - NO, TALK TO YOU LATER. - CHRIS, WE CAN TALK NOW. 406 00:13:29,409 --> 00:13:31,611 WHAT'S GOING ON, BEST FRIEND? - NOTHING, NEVER MIND. 407 00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:33,113 - TELL ME. - NOTHING'S HAPPENING. 408 00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:34,581 BACK TO FORCED FRIENDSHIP. 409 00:13:34,614 --> 00:13:35,916 HEY, LET'S GO PUT ON OUR PJ'S 410 00:13:35,949 --> 00:13:37,985 AND MAKE WHITE RUSSIANS. SO FUN. 411 00:13:39,586 --> 00:13:40,620 - COUNCILWOMAN. 412 00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:41,688 I JUST CAME DOWN 413 00:13:41,721 --> 00:13:44,124 TO SEE THE EFFECTS OF YOUR GOVERNMENT INTERVENTION, 414 00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:45,392 AND I'VE GOT TO HAND IT TO YOU-- 415 00:13:45,425 --> 00:13:47,260 YOU REALLY TURNED THIS PLACE AROUND. 416 00:13:47,294 --> 00:13:49,262 - REALLY? 417 00:13:49,296 --> 00:13:52,132 OH, MY GOD, THIS IS AMAZING, DENNIS. 418 00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:53,166 - HEY. - YOU DID IT! 419 00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:55,368 WE DID IT! I DID IT. 420 00:13:55,402 --> 00:13:57,370 THIS IS ME. - YES, IT WAS. 421 00:13:57,404 --> 00:13:58,605 - I TOOK YOUR ADVICE. 422 00:13:58,638 --> 00:14:01,274 GOT RID OF ALL THOSE DUSTY, OLD FOREIGN FILMS 423 00:14:01,308 --> 00:14:03,010 AND USED THE MONEY FOR THE PART OF OUR BUSINESS 424 00:14:03,043 --> 00:14:04,144 THAT'S ALWAYS DONE PRETTY WELL FOR US. 425 00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:06,246 GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT, RIGHT? 426 00:14:06,279 --> 00:14:07,147 - THIS ISN'T WHAT PEOPLE WANT. 427 00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:10,017 - IT'S DEFINITELY WHAT THAT GUY WANTS. 428 00:14:10,050 --> 00:14:11,584 - I LIKE THIS STORE NOW. 429 00:14:11,618 --> 00:14:12,785 - DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE? 430 00:14:12,819 --> 00:14:16,623 THE PAWNEE GOVERNMENT NOW EFFECTIVELY OWNS A PORN SHOP. 431 00:14:16,656 --> 00:14:19,159 YOU HAVE MADE US PORN PEDDLERS! 432 00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:26,399 . 433 00:14:26,433 --> 00:14:27,200 - HELLO, EVERYONE. I'M BRANDI MAXXXX. 434 00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:30,503 LET'S GIVE A BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE TO COUNCILWOMAN KNOPE 435 00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:31,604 FOR KEEPING THIS STORE IN BUSINESS! 436 00:14:31,638 --> 00:14:35,275 - NO. EVERYONE STOP APPLAUDING. 437 00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:37,144 FOR THE RECORD, I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP A PLACE 438 00:14:37,177 --> 00:14:39,279 THAT HAD TREMENDOUS CULTURAL VALUE. 439 00:14:39,312 --> 00:14:42,549 - LESLIE, YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN A HUGE SUPPORTER OF MY WORK. 440 00:14:42,582 --> 00:14:44,151 - NO, NO, I HAVEN'T. 441 00:14:44,184 --> 00:14:45,485 - SO I'M THRILLED TO TELL YOU 442 00:14:45,518 --> 00:14:47,587 THAT I'M PLAYING LESLIE KNOPE 443 00:14:47,620 --> 00:14:49,256 IN THE PORN VERSION OF THE STORY 444 00:14:49,289 --> 00:14:50,690 OF THIS GOVERNMENT BAILOUT! 445 00:14:50,723 --> 00:14:52,425 - PLEASE DON'T DO THAT. 446 00:14:52,459 --> 00:14:54,527 - OH, WE ALREADY FILMED IT. - OH! 447 00:14:54,561 --> 00:14:56,496 - THE PORN INDUSTRY IN TOWN WAS REALLY FALTERING. 448 00:14:56,529 --> 00:14:58,165 BUT NOW WE'RE BACK. 449 00:14:58,198 --> 00:14:59,566 YOU'RE OUR HERO! 450 00:14:59,599 --> 00:15:02,235 - OH! [men cheering] 451 00:15:02,269 --> 00:15:04,571 - OKAY. ARE YOU READY? 452 00:15:04,604 --> 00:15:06,373 - FOR YOU TO TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON WITH CHRIS? YES. 453 00:15:06,406 --> 00:15:07,607 - NO. TO SING. 454 00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:10,043 * IF YOU'RE LOST, YOU CAN LOOK * 455 00:15:10,077 --> 00:15:11,511 * AND YOU WILL FIND ME 456 00:15:11,544 --> 00:15:14,514 * TIME AFTER TIME GO. 457 00:15:14,547 --> 00:15:16,249 - NO, TELL ME ABOUT CHRIS. 458 00:15:16,283 --> 00:15:17,617 - * IF YOU FALL, I WILL CATCH YOU * 459 00:15:17,650 --> 00:15:19,386 * I'LL BE WAITIN' 460 00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:20,487 - TELL ME ABOUT CHRIS, OR I'M LEAVING, 461 00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:23,556 AND I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE LETTER. 462 00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:24,457 - I WANNA HAVE A BABY, 463 00:15:24,491 --> 00:15:26,593 AND I ASKED CHRIS TO DONATE HIS SPERM. 464 00:15:26,626 --> 00:15:27,694 AND HE'S TAKING A REALLY LONG TIME 465 00:15:27,727 --> 00:15:29,696 TO MAKE UP HIS MIND, AND IT'S REALLY FREAKING ME OUT. 466 00:15:29,729 --> 00:15:30,998 AND I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT, 467 00:15:31,031 --> 00:15:32,099 AND I'M OBSESSING ABOUT IT, 468 00:15:32,132 --> 00:15:33,533 AND I WANT TO THINK ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE BUT THAT, 469 00:15:33,566 --> 00:15:36,369 BUT IT'S MAKING ME CRAZY. 470 00:15:39,372 --> 00:15:43,243 - * SECRETS STOLEN 471 00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:45,545 * FROM DEEP INSIDE 472 00:15:45,578 --> 00:15:46,479 - YOU KNOW THIS SONG ALREADY? - OF COURSE I DO. 473 00:15:46,513 --> 00:15:48,515 EVERYONE KNOWS THIS SONG. IT'S AMAZING. 474 00:15:48,548 --> 00:15:51,518 * THE DRUM BEATS OUT OF TIME * 475 00:15:51,551 --> 00:15:53,553 both: * IF YOU'RE LOST, YOU CAN LOOK * 476 00:15:53,586 --> 00:15:55,455 * AND YOU WILL FIND ME 477 00:15:55,488 --> 00:15:58,058 * TIME AFTER TIME 478 00:15:58,091 --> 00:16:00,460 * IF YOU FALL, I WILL CATCH YOU * 479 00:16:00,493 --> 00:16:02,629 all: * OH, I'LL BE WAITING 480 00:16:02,662 --> 00:16:05,398 * TIME AFTER TIME 481 00:16:05,432 --> 00:16:07,567 * TIME AFTER TIME 482 00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:10,603 * TIME AFTER TIME 483 00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:15,208 - THIS NEVER HAPPENED. 484 00:16:16,709 --> 00:16:19,279 - I MADE EVERYTHING WORSE. 485 00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:20,547 IF TOM WERE A BAG OF FLOUR, 486 00:16:20,580 --> 00:16:22,449 THAT FLOUR WOULD NEVER GROW UP 487 00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:24,584 TO BE A HAPPY, WELL-ADJUSTED LOAF OF BREAD. 488 00:16:24,617 --> 00:16:25,652 MUCH LESS A BRAN MUFFIN, 489 00:16:25,685 --> 00:16:27,720 WHICH IS THE HIGHEST HONOR THAT FLOUR CAN ACHIEVE. 490 00:16:27,754 --> 00:16:30,457 - OKAY, SO YOU'RE REALLY GONNA SAY NO TO ANN? 491 00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:33,193 - I CARE ABOUT ANN VERY DEEPLY, BUT... 492 00:16:33,226 --> 00:16:36,096 I JUST DON'T KNOW IF I'M CUT OUT TO BE A DAD. 493 00:16:36,129 --> 00:16:39,132 - YOU KNOW, CHRIS, EVERY PARENT MAKES MISTAKES. 494 00:16:39,166 --> 00:16:41,368 I MEAN, LORD KNOWS I'VE MADE PLENTY. 495 00:16:41,401 --> 00:16:44,471 BUT IT'S THE SMALL VICTORIES THAT KEEP YOU GOING. 496 00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:47,540 WHEN YOU SEE YOUR LITTLE ONE TAKE HER FIRST STEP 497 00:16:47,574 --> 00:16:49,442 OR--OR GRADUATE COLLEGE, 498 00:16:49,476 --> 00:16:51,378 OH, MY GOD, IT JUST MAKES IT ALL WORTH IT. 499 00:16:51,411 --> 00:16:52,445 [chuckles] 500 00:16:52,479 --> 00:16:54,414 AND ANOTHER THING IS IF-- 501 00:16:54,447 --> 00:16:56,516 IF, LIKE-- 502 00:16:56,549 --> 00:16:59,152 IF I-- [exhales] 503 00:16:59,186 --> 00:17:00,653 YOU KNOW, AND THEN YOUR KID'S-- 504 00:17:00,687 --> 00:17:02,255 BECAUSE YOU'RE LIKE--VRRRR-- I DON'T KNOW. 505 00:17:02,289 --> 00:17:03,490 AND EVERYONE'S LIKE, 506 00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:04,824 "OH." [babbles] 507 00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:06,259 OH, I'M SORRY, GUYS. 508 00:17:06,293 --> 00:17:08,361 I--NO ONE EVER LETS ME TALK THIS LONG. 509 00:17:08,395 --> 00:17:09,462 I JUST GOT LOST. 510 00:17:09,496 --> 00:17:10,497 - IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL POINT. 511 00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:12,499 AND VERY WELL SAID, RIGHT UP UNTIL THAT MOMENT 512 00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:14,834 THAT YOU STARTED BABBLING INCOHERENTLY. 513 00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:17,404 - AND I'LL HAVE THE NUMBER EIGHT. 514 00:17:17,437 --> 00:17:20,140 - THAT'S A PARTY PLATTER. IT SERVES 12 PEOPLE. 515 00:17:20,173 --> 00:17:21,574 - I KNOW WHAT I'M ABOUT, SON. 516 00:17:21,608 --> 00:17:23,810 - GO AHEAD, RON. LET ME HAVE IT. 517 00:17:23,843 --> 00:17:25,312 OH, WAIT, I'LL DO IT FOR YOU. 518 00:17:25,345 --> 00:17:27,247 [as Ron] I TOLD YOU SO, LESLIE. 519 00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:28,248 THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS 520 00:17:28,281 --> 00:17:29,816 WHEN THE GOVERNMENT INTERFERES WITH BUSINESS. 521 00:17:29,849 --> 00:17:31,551 GOVERNMENT IS BAD, BUSINESS IS GOOD. 522 00:17:31,584 --> 00:17:33,786 FREE MARKET. [babbles goofily] 523 00:17:33,820 --> 00:17:35,588 - CAPITALISM IS THE ONLY WAY, LESLIE. 524 00:17:35,622 --> 00:17:37,724 IT MOVES OUR COUNTRY FORWARD. 525 00:17:37,757 --> 00:17:39,492 IT'S WHAT MAKES AMERICA GREAT. 526 00:17:39,526 --> 00:17:42,429 AND ENGLAND OKAY AND FRANCE TERRIBLE. 527 00:17:42,462 --> 00:17:44,531 - I LIKE CAPITALISM. I LOVE COMPETITION. 528 00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:46,099 I'M MORE COMPETITIVE THAN YOU. 529 00:17:46,133 --> 00:17:47,200 - I DON'T THINK SO. - I THINK SO. 530 00:17:47,234 --> 00:17:48,468 - SETTLE DOWN. - NO, SETTLE UP. 531 00:17:48,501 --> 00:17:50,170 'CAUSE THE BILL'S BEEN PAID, AND I'VE PAID IT, 532 00:17:50,203 --> 00:17:51,371 AND I'VE WON. 533 00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:53,440 LOOK, THE POINT IS THERE HAS TO BE A WAY 534 00:17:53,473 --> 00:17:54,607 FOR THE GOVERNMENT TO HELP PLACES 535 00:17:54,641 --> 00:17:55,875 THAT ADD COMMUNITY VALUE 536 00:17:55,908 --> 00:17:58,378 BUT DON'T NECESSARILY RAKE IN THE MONEY. 537 00:17:58,411 --> 00:17:59,312 - THERE IS NOT. 538 00:17:59,346 --> 00:18:01,481 - [sighs] - THE FREE MARKET IS A JUNGLE. 539 00:18:01,514 --> 00:18:04,551 IT'S BEAUTIFUL AND BRUTAL AND SHOULD BE LEFT ALONE. 540 00:18:04,584 --> 00:18:06,686 WHEN A BUSINESS FAILS, IT DIES, 541 00:18:06,719 --> 00:18:08,455 AND A NEW, BETTER ONE TAKES ITS PLACE. 542 00:18:08,488 --> 00:18:12,125 JUST LET BUSINESS BE BUSINESS AND GOVERNMENT BE GOVERNMENT. 543 00:18:12,159 --> 00:18:13,226 - HERE YOU GO. 544 00:18:13,260 --> 00:18:15,828 AND ONE NUMBER EIGHT. 545 00:18:15,862 --> 00:18:17,497 ALL RIGHT, PARTY TIME. 546 00:18:17,530 --> 00:18:19,766 - I WOULD SUGGEST STICKING AROUND AND WATCHING HIM EAT IT 547 00:18:19,799 --> 00:18:21,134 'CAUSE IT ONLY TAKES FOUR MINUTES, 548 00:18:21,168 --> 00:18:22,202 AND IT'S PRETTY AMAZING. 549 00:18:28,141 --> 00:18:28,341 . 550 00:18:28,375 --> 00:18:29,209 - HERE IS YOUR LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION. 551 00:18:29,742 --> 00:18:30,643 SO YOU'RE OFF THE HOOK. 552 00:18:30,677 --> 00:18:33,280 NO NEED TO PRETEND TO BE MY FRIEND ANYMORE. 553 00:18:33,313 --> 00:18:35,348 - THANK GOD. 554 00:18:35,382 --> 00:18:36,849 - I CAN'T TELL IF YOU ACTUALLY HATE ME 555 00:18:36,883 --> 00:18:38,418 OR IF THIS IS JUST HOW YOU ARE, 556 00:18:38,451 --> 00:18:40,520 BUT I HAD FUN HANGING OUT WITH YOU. 557 00:18:40,553 --> 00:18:43,856 SO I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY, YOU'RE MY FRIEND. 558 00:18:43,890 --> 00:18:45,725 AND I HOPE YOU GET INTO VETERINARY SCHOOL 559 00:18:45,758 --> 00:18:48,428 BECAUSE I LIKE YOU, SO THERE. 560 00:18:48,461 --> 00:18:50,430 - I GOT YOU SOMETHING TOO. 561 00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:51,931 - A BABY-NAMING BOOK. 562 00:18:51,964 --> 00:18:53,900 - I HOPE IT WORKS OUT WITH CHRIS. 563 00:18:53,933 --> 00:18:57,270 AND IF IT DOESN'T, I HOPE IT WORKS OUT WITH SOMEONE. 564 00:18:57,304 --> 00:18:58,438 - WE'RE GONNA HUG NOW. 565 00:18:58,471 --> 00:18:59,572 - NO. - YEAH. 566 00:18:59,606 --> 00:19:00,873 - OW! YOU'RE HURTING ME! 567 00:19:00,907 --> 00:19:03,810 - MM! LOT OF HOT "D" IN HERE TONIGHT. 568 00:19:03,843 --> 00:19:05,912 OOH, LOOK AT THAT CHUNKY HUNKY. 569 00:19:05,945 --> 00:19:07,347 GO OVER THERE AND TALK TO HIM 570 00:19:07,380 --> 00:19:08,548 AND FIND OUT WHAT HIS DEAL IS. 571 00:19:08,581 --> 00:19:10,483 - NO, I'M NOT GONNA TALK TO SOME OTHER GUY. 572 00:19:10,517 --> 00:19:12,419 WHEN WE'RE TOGETHER, YOU CAN'T CHECK OUT OTHER GUYS. 573 00:19:12,452 --> 00:19:13,420 THAT'S THE DEAL. 574 00:19:13,453 --> 00:19:15,188 OR ELSE IT'S OVER BETWEEN US, YOU UNDERSTAND? 575 00:19:15,222 --> 00:19:18,425 - MM! TOMMY LAYING DOWN THE LAW. A LITTLE FEISTY. 576 00:19:18,458 --> 00:19:20,427 I LIKE THAT, OKAY? I'MA GO GET A SODA. 577 00:19:20,460 --> 00:19:22,229 DO YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX SOMEWHERE 578 00:19:22,262 --> 00:19:23,563 AFTER I DO THAT? 579 00:19:23,596 --> 00:19:27,300 - SURE. - ALL RIGHT. 580 00:19:27,334 --> 00:19:30,437 - [grunts] WELL. 581 00:19:30,470 --> 00:19:33,473 LOOKS LIKE THINGS WITH MONA-LISA ARE... 582 00:19:33,506 --> 00:19:34,474 CONTINUING. 583 00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:36,576 - YEAH. I THINK I'M GRADUALLY TRANSFORMING HER 584 00:19:36,609 --> 00:19:38,511 FROM TRULY TERRIBLE TO ONLY KINDA TERRIBLE. 585 00:19:38,545 --> 00:19:40,813 IT'S THE SMALL VICTORIES, YOU KNOW? 586 00:19:40,847 --> 00:19:42,449 - INDEED. 587 00:19:42,482 --> 00:19:44,251 - THE SMALL VICTORIES. 588 00:19:44,284 --> 00:19:45,485 - I KNOW SHE'S KIND OF A MONSTER, 589 00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:46,653 BUT WHATEVER. 590 00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:48,921 I'M YOUNG. SHE'S SEXY. 591 00:19:48,955 --> 00:19:50,590 I'M JUST GONNA SEE WHERE THIS ROLLER COASTER GOES. 592 00:19:50,623 --> 00:19:52,525 - FAIR ENOUGH. 593 00:19:52,559 --> 00:19:54,361 IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU NEED HELP WITH? 594 00:19:54,394 --> 00:19:55,995 HAVE YOU LEARNED HOW TO RIDE A BIKE YET? 595 00:19:56,028 --> 00:19:57,697 - YEAH. I'M 28 YEARS OLD. 596 00:19:57,730 --> 00:19:58,698 - [laughs] 597 00:19:58,731 --> 00:20:02,502 I'M PROUD OF YOU, BUD. 598 00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:03,736 - THANKS! 599 00:20:03,770 --> 00:20:05,405 - ANN PERKINS. 600 00:20:05,438 --> 00:20:08,408 - IS THAT A HAPPY "ANN PERKINS," 601 00:20:08,441 --> 00:20:10,377 OR IS THAT A BAD-NEWS "ANN PERKINS"? 602 00:20:10,410 --> 00:20:11,778 - OH, HAPPY. OBVIOUSLY. 603 00:20:11,811 --> 00:20:13,413 THE BAD-NEWS ONE SOUNDS LIKE THIS. 604 00:20:13,446 --> 00:20:14,747 [upbeat] "ANN PERKINS." 605 00:20:14,781 --> 00:20:16,416 - OH. 606 00:20:16,449 --> 00:20:17,517 - WELL, I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT IT. 607 00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:18,751 AND I'M IN. 608 00:20:18,785 --> 00:20:20,253 I WANT TO BE A PARENT. 609 00:20:20,287 --> 00:20:22,289 I WANT TO RAISE A CHILD, 610 00:20:22,322 --> 00:20:24,691 WITH ALL THE UPS AND DOWNS 611 00:20:24,724 --> 00:20:28,428 AND CHALLENGES THAT COMES WITH IT. 612 00:20:28,461 --> 00:20:29,996 - CHRIS, THIS IS SO GREAT. 613 00:20:30,029 --> 00:20:31,964 I'M SO HAPPY. - ME TOO. 614 00:20:31,998 --> 00:20:35,335 WELL, I GUESS YOUR UTER-YOU AND MY UTER-ME 615 00:20:35,368 --> 00:20:37,003 ARE NOW OUR UTER-US. 616 00:20:37,036 --> 00:20:39,272 - DON'T MAKE ME CHANGE MY MIND. [pats shoulder] 617 00:20:39,306 --> 00:20:42,675 - ALTHOUGH WE ARE ALL SAD AND DEEPLY GROSSED OUT 618 00:20:42,709 --> 00:20:44,344 THAT THE PAWNEE VIDEODOME 619 00:20:44,377 --> 00:20:46,346 IS TURNING INTO A PORNO PALACE, 620 00:20:46,379 --> 00:20:48,548 I AM HAPPY TO ANNOUNCE THAT THE PAWNEE GOVERNMENT 621 00:20:48,581 --> 00:20:51,684 WILL BE HOSTING A WEEKLY MOVIE NIGHT 622 00:20:51,718 --> 00:20:52,819 HERE AT THE COMMUNITY CENTER. 623 00:20:52,852 --> 00:20:55,988 THERE WILL BE FREE SCREENINGS FOLLOWED BY A DISCUSSION 624 00:20:56,022 --> 00:20:58,558 LED BY LOCAL FILM BUFF DENNIS LERPISS. 625 00:20:58,591 --> 00:20:59,992 TONIGHT'S FILM IS... 626 00:21:00,026 --> 00:21:01,494 THE SOUND OF MUSIC. 627 00:21:01,528 --> 00:21:03,996 [applause] AND...ACTION. 628 00:21:04,030 --> 00:21:06,933 - I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE, DONG SWANSON. 629 00:21:06,966 --> 00:21:08,635 THE LOCAL VIDEO STORE'S ABOUT TO GO UNDER. 630 00:21:08,668 --> 00:21:10,503 WE HAVE TO SAVE IT. 631 00:21:10,537 --> 00:21:11,504 - OH, THIS IS THE WRONG MOVIE. 632 00:21:11,538 --> 00:21:13,005 WE NE-- SHUT THIS DOWN, PLEASE. 633 00:21:13,039 --> 00:21:14,774 SHUT IT DOWN. - SORRY, LESLIE. 634 00:21:14,807 --> 00:21:16,476 I'M A STRICT LIBERTARIAN, 635 00:21:16,509 --> 00:21:18,545 AND I DON'T BELIEVE IN BAILOUTS. 636 00:21:18,578 --> 00:21:20,313 - THIS IS NOT HOW IT HAPPENED. 637 00:21:20,347 --> 00:21:21,314 [groovy music] 638 00:21:21,348 --> 00:21:24,417 [objects clatter]