1
00:00:00,361 --> 00:00:01,753
Mr. Haverford, on the morning of your crash
2
00:00:01,873 --> 00:00:03,681
- were you alone in your car?
- Yes.
3
00:00:03,801 --> 00:00:04,987
Your Honor, this was an accident.
4
00:00:05,107 --> 00:00:07,847
Plain and simple. I don't want to put
words in your mouth but...
5
00:00:08,100 --> 00:00:08,933
case dismissed.
6
00:00:09,053 --> 00:00:10,475
And you were texting at the time, correct?
7
00:00:10,595 --> 00:00:11,872
How dare you, sir?
8
00:00:11,992 --> 00:00:12,868
I was tweeting.
9
00:00:12,988 --> 00:00:14,141
Please, read Exhibit C,
10
00:00:14,261 --> 00:00:17,515
the transcript of your Twitter page
leading to the immediatelly following crash.
11
00:00:17,635 --> 00:00:21,057
"9:15. Four green lights in a row. #blessed"
12
00:00:21,177 --> 00:00:26,252
"9:17. Drive faster, blue Civic.
Daaaaaamn. #soccermoms"
13
00:00:26,372 --> 00:00:29,832
"9:18. Gotta pass this lady
on the 'ejkerkj'."
14
00:00:29,866 --> 00:00:31,450
That's when I hit the fire hydrant.
15
00:00:31,501 --> 00:00:34,620
Sorry, allegedly hit the fire hydrant.
16
00:00:34,671 --> 00:00:37,406
"9:20. Just hit a fire hydrant,
but I survived.
17
00:00:37,424 --> 00:00:39,208
"#unbreakable.
18
00:00:39,242 --> 00:00:41,420
"#what'sMr.Glassuptothesedays?
19
00:00:41,540 --> 00:00:43,412
♪whynosequel?"
20
00:00:43,430 --> 00:00:45,848
Prosecution rests, Your Honor.
21
00:00:45,882 --> 00:00:47,600
Mr. Haverford,
you have a problem
22
00:00:47,634 --> 00:00:48,968
keeping your eyes on the road
23
00:00:49,019 --> 00:00:50,593
and off your electronic devices.
24
00:00:50,713 --> 00:00:53,606
I'm going to tailor
a punishment to fit the crime.
25
00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:55,558
One week without screens.
26
00:00:55,592 --> 00:00:58,792
No phone, tablets,
computers, television--anything.
27
00:00:58,912 --> 00:01:00,407
No! Please,
send me to jail!
28
00:01:00,527 --> 00:01:03,199
Any slipups,
and that week becomes a month.
29
00:01:03,233 --> 00:01:04,400
Turn in your phone, please.
30
00:01:04,434 --> 00:01:05,785
[Bangs gavel]
Fine. One last tweet?
31
00:01:05,819 --> 00:01:07,787
Bailiff!
32
00:01:07,821 --> 00:01:10,272
Pr-press send, bailiff!
Press send!
33
00:01:10,290 --> 00:01:13,259
[Triumphant music]
34
00:01:13,293 --> 00:01:22,702
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
35
00:01:30,477 --> 00:01:31,644
Howdy.
36
00:01:31,678 --> 00:01:33,512
Hey!
What's with the get-up?
37
00:01:33,563 --> 00:01:35,314
I just got back from
that dude ranch with Ricky.
38
00:01:35,349 --> 00:01:37,350
It was really fun.
He bought this for me as a gift.
39
00:01:37,401 --> 00:01:39,769
A cowboy hat from your cowboyfriend.
40
00:01:39,803 --> 00:01:41,103
Oh, that makes it sound
like he's a cow.
41
00:01:41,137 --> 00:01:43,773
From your cowboy boyfriend.
Your boycow-cowboy.
42
00:01:43,807 --> 00:01:45,574
- Just call him "Ricky."
- Okay, great.
43
00:01:45,609 --> 00:01:47,777
Okay, everyone.
44
00:01:47,811 --> 00:01:50,496
Great news: Lots of old people
have chlamydia.
45
00:01:50,530 --> 00:01:51,814
Whoo!
46
00:01:51,832 --> 00:01:54,033
Seniors in Pawnee have
a lot of time on their hands,
47
00:01:54,084 --> 00:01:55,584
and what they're doing with that time
48
00:01:55,619 --> 00:01:57,953
is going at it hard,
old people-style.
49
00:01:57,987 --> 00:02:00,172
A lot of them haven't
had proper sex education,
50
00:02:00,207 --> 00:02:03,092
and as a result,
STDs are having a field day.
51
00:02:03,126 --> 00:02:05,795
It's amazing
what a few old guys can do
52
00:02:05,829 --> 00:02:08,330
with a little bit of charm
and a lot of crabs.
53
00:02:08,348 --> 00:02:09,882
Okay, sex avengers,
54
00:02:09,933 --> 00:02:12,134
these old fogies
are very set in their ways.
55
00:02:12,168 --> 00:02:14,020
They're hopped up
on E.D. medication
56
00:02:14,054 --> 00:02:15,688
and they got nothing to lose,
57
00:02:15,722 --> 00:02:16,806
'cause they're close to death.
58
00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:19,141
Also, seniors can be pretty ornery.
59
00:02:19,175 --> 00:02:21,811
Uh, actually, I think
it's pronounced "horny."
60
00:02:21,845 --> 00:02:24,513
I have an idea. Let's pretend
that we're old people,
61
00:02:24,531 --> 00:02:26,982
and we can ask Ann our grossest,
62
00:02:27,016 --> 00:02:28,818
most perverted sex questions.
63
00:02:28,852 --> 00:02:30,486
I'll start.
I'm an old lady,
64
00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:32,488
why do I need birth control?
65
00:02:32,522 --> 00:02:35,624
I haven't had my monthly
since LBJ was president.
66
00:02:35,659 --> 00:02:36,625
Well, with the elderly,
67
00:02:36,660 --> 00:02:38,661
we are not so concerned
with pregnancy.
68
00:02:38,695 --> 00:02:40,463
We're more concerned with disease.
69
00:02:40,497 --> 00:02:42,865
Do pubic hairs get longer
the older you get?
70
00:02:42,883 --> 00:02:43,899
I don't think so, no.
71
00:02:43,934 --> 00:02:45,718
Because that's happening to me.
72
00:02:45,752 --> 00:02:47,336
What should I do?
73
00:02:47,370 --> 00:02:48,838
Where can I get lube
that is healthy to eat?
74
00:02:48,872 --> 00:02:52,007
I ran over my testicles
with my jazzy scooter.
75
00:02:52,041 --> 00:02:53,092
I think you're good to go, nursey.
76
00:02:53,143 --> 00:02:55,094
I want to jump on that caboose.
Choo choo!
77
00:02:55,145 --> 00:02:57,096
You should never eat lube,
78
00:02:57,147 --> 00:02:58,431
you need to see a doctor immediately,
79
00:02:58,482 --> 00:03:00,683
and I'm sorry, sir,
but you have to be under 40
80
00:03:00,717 --> 00:03:02,050
to ride this train.
81
00:03:02,069 --> 00:03:03,986
Oh!
That's how you do it, kids.
82
00:03:04,020 --> 00:03:05,354
- [Laughs]
- Nice.
83
00:03:05,388 --> 00:03:08,157
"LeRon James."
We still on for breakfast?
84
00:03:08,191 --> 00:03:10,242
You are an hour and a half
late for work.
85
00:03:10,277 --> 00:03:12,495
Yeah. Sorry.
I can't use my GPS,
86
00:03:12,529 --> 00:03:13,913
but I figured it out.
87
00:03:13,947 --> 00:03:16,565
I just drove around in circles
until I saw something familiar.
88
00:03:16,583 --> 00:03:18,200
You live 3 miles from here.
89
00:03:18,234 --> 00:03:20,586
3.4,
according to my GPS,
90
00:03:20,620 --> 00:03:21,787
which I used to use every day.
91
00:03:21,838 --> 00:03:23,339
I can't use screens for a week.
92
00:03:23,373 --> 00:03:25,341
Big deal!
I'm adapting.
93
00:03:25,375 --> 00:03:28,377
I built a real-life
Pinterest board.
94
00:03:31,715 --> 00:03:33,849
I really wish you could click those.
95
00:03:33,884 --> 00:03:36,385
Wow, there he is, Barack Obama.
96
00:03:36,419 --> 00:03:37,520
His name is congressman David Murray,
97
00:03:37,554 --> 00:03:40,473
he is our boss and he is white.
98
00:03:40,524 --> 00:03:41,690
Don't embarrass me.
99
00:03:41,725 --> 00:03:43,258
Congressman Murray, I'm Ben Wyatt,
100
00:03:43,276 --> 00:03:45,093
coordinating director
of D.C. Operations.
101
00:03:45,112 --> 00:03:47,196
And I am April Blart, mall cop.
102
00:03:47,230 --> 00:03:49,565
Great! It's a pleasure
to finally meet you, Ben.
103
00:03:49,599 --> 00:03:51,266
Heard such great things.
104
00:03:51,284 --> 00:03:52,768
Oh, well, I really feel
like I know you already.
105
00:03:52,786 --> 00:03:54,904
I've watched all
of your speeches and debates.
106
00:03:54,938 --> 00:03:56,238
It's very inspiring.
107
00:03:56,272 --> 00:03:57,490
Thank you, Ben.
108
00:03:57,541 --> 00:03:59,792
And thank you all for your hard work.
109
00:03:59,826 --> 00:04:02,661
Now, stay cool.
It's a hot one out there today.
110
00:04:02,712 --> 00:04:03,963
- [Laughs]
- That's right,
111
00:04:03,997 --> 00:04:05,714
you could practically
cook an egg on the sidewalk.
112
00:04:05,749 --> 00:04:08,667
[Chuckles] Terrific.
113
00:04:09,886 --> 00:04:11,453
Okay, let's make sure we're ready
114
00:04:11,471 --> 00:04:12,721
for the strategy session tomorrow.
115
00:04:12,756 --> 00:04:14,056
- Okay.
- Okay?
116
00:04:14,090 --> 00:04:16,475
Hey, we're still
gonna assassinate him, right?
117
00:04:16,510 --> 00:04:19,094
- Don't say that.
- Ben!
118
00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:27,135
What the hell is he doing?
119
00:04:27,154 --> 00:04:29,972
Hello, can everyone hear me okay?
120
00:04:29,990 --> 00:04:31,357
All: No.
121
00:04:31,408 --> 00:04:33,159
Okay, great.
I'm councilwoman Leslie Knope,
122
00:04:33,193 --> 00:04:35,611
and today we are here
to talk about safe sex.
123
00:04:35,645 --> 00:04:37,646
I know this is a personal question,
124
00:04:37,664 --> 00:04:40,416
but how many of you out there
are sexually active?
125
00:04:40,450 --> 00:04:41,584
Oh, my.
126
00:04:41,618 --> 00:04:44,319
I have two partners,
often at the same time.
127
00:04:44,337 --> 00:04:45,788
Wow. Thank you.
128
00:04:45,822 --> 00:04:47,840
Does anyone know what we risk
129
00:04:47,874 --> 00:04:49,925
when we have unprotected sex?
130
00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:51,510
- Heart attack.
- Falling in love.
131
00:04:51,545 --> 00:04:53,161
Partner dies on top of you!
132
00:04:53,180 --> 00:04:55,181
Yes, but the truth is,
133
00:04:55,215 --> 00:04:56,765
the greatest risk you face
134
00:04:56,800 --> 00:04:58,717
is sexually transmitted diseases.
135
00:04:58,768 --> 00:05:01,136
Are these old people really
having sex with each other?
136
00:05:01,170 --> 00:05:02,521
Yeah, what'd you think
they were doing?
137
00:05:02,556 --> 00:05:03,939
I don't know, I thought we were just
138
00:05:03,974 --> 00:05:05,474
talking about it.
139
00:05:05,508 --> 00:05:10,062
Oh!
[Disgusted laugh]
140
00:05:10,113 --> 00:05:12,531
And the best way to prevent
them is to use protection.
141
00:05:12,566 --> 00:05:14,149
Well, that's all fine and good,
142
00:05:14,183 --> 00:05:16,702
but what if the banana
is soft and mushy,
143
00:05:16,736 --> 00:05:18,854
and doglegs sharply to the left?
144
00:05:18,872 --> 00:05:20,873
[Shudders]
145
00:05:25,695 --> 00:05:27,913
Oh, my God, Jerry,
when you check your email,
146
00:05:27,964 --> 00:05:30,866
you go to Altavista and type
"Please go to yahoo.com?"
147
00:05:30,884 --> 00:05:31,967
Well, how else would I do it?
148
00:05:32,002 --> 00:05:33,469
You don't have your email bookmarked?
149
00:05:33,503 --> 00:05:34,587
Do you have any bookmarks?
150
00:05:34,638 --> 00:05:36,038
What's bookmarks?
151
00:05:36,056 --> 00:05:38,757
God, Jerry!
You don't deserve the Internet!
152
00:05:38,808 --> 00:05:39,842
I'm going crazy, Ron!
153
00:05:39,876 --> 00:05:41,427
Life without screens is pointless.
154
00:05:41,478 --> 00:05:44,730
I made an iPhone out of paper.
It's not the same, though.
155
00:05:47,934 --> 00:05:49,768
This is the work of a lunatic.
156
00:05:49,819 --> 00:05:51,770
You need to detox.
157
00:05:51,821 --> 00:05:54,222
Tomorrow, we'll go
to my cabin in the woods.
158
00:05:54,241 --> 00:05:56,058
It's so far away from civilization,
159
00:05:56,076 --> 00:05:57,743
the electric company is not even aware
160
00:05:57,777 --> 00:05:58,894
there's a structure there.
161
00:05:58,912 --> 00:06:00,663
[Sighs] Thanks, Ron.
162
00:06:00,697 --> 00:06:02,998
And hey, can you give me
a ride after work?
163
00:06:03,033 --> 00:06:06,619
There's no chance
I can find my way home.
164
00:06:06,670 --> 00:06:09,455
If you encounter this scenario,
165
00:06:09,506 --> 00:06:12,041
simply execute the following maneuver.
166
00:06:12,075 --> 00:06:14,677
And stop!
167
00:06:14,711 --> 00:06:16,411
Great job, and very informative,
168
00:06:16,429 --> 00:06:18,080
but we need to stop now forever
169
00:06:18,098 --> 00:06:19,181
and pretend like this never happened.
170
00:06:19,215 --> 00:06:20,248
Why?
What happening?
171
00:06:20,267 --> 00:06:22,718
[Mumbles incoherently]
172
00:06:22,752 --> 00:06:24,252
Oh, boy.
173
00:06:24,271 --> 00:06:25,921
Marcia and Marshall Langman
174
00:06:25,939 --> 00:06:27,806
are the town's morality watchdogs.
175
00:06:27,857 --> 00:06:31,226
Marcia is motivated,
calculating, and hyper-vigilant,
176
00:06:31,260 --> 00:06:34,313
and her husband, Marshall, is...
177
00:06:34,364 --> 00:06:35,597
vivacious.
178
00:06:35,615 --> 00:06:39,318
This, that's happening here,
is not allowed!
179
00:06:39,369 --> 00:06:42,738
We at the society
for family stability foundation
180
00:06:42,772 --> 00:06:45,407
object to this smut being taught.
181
00:06:45,441 --> 00:06:47,159
It's against Pawnee's
182
00:06:47,210 --> 00:06:49,745
abstinence-only
sex education law.
183
00:06:49,779 --> 00:06:51,113
That's only for schools.
184
00:06:51,131 --> 00:06:53,165
Actually, it's not.
The way the bill is drafted
185
00:06:53,216 --> 00:06:54,883
prohibits any government employee
186
00:06:54,918 --> 00:06:58,087
from teaching anything
but abstinence, city-wide.
187
00:06:58,121 --> 00:06:59,722
- Thank you, Chris.
- You're welcome.
188
00:06:59,756 --> 00:07:02,591
If we allow this filth
to be taught to our seniors,
189
00:07:02,625 --> 00:07:04,393
the next you thing you know,
it'll be in our high schools,
190
00:07:04,427 --> 00:07:06,095
then our kindergartens,
and before you know it,
191
00:07:06,129 --> 00:07:07,796
we have babies in thong underwear.
192
00:07:07,814 --> 00:07:08,797
Is that what you want?
193
00:07:08,815 --> 00:07:10,232
Yes, that's what I want.
194
00:07:10,266 --> 00:07:12,901
Ladies and gentlemen,
this vulgar sex show is over.
195
00:07:12,936 --> 00:07:15,354
Please forget everything this
horrible woman has told you.
196
00:07:15,405 --> 00:07:19,808
It is not over.
It is far from over.
197
00:07:19,826 --> 00:07:22,828
Andy, pack up our bananas!
198
00:07:29,092 --> 00:07:30,114
This is a great idea.
199
00:07:30,234 --> 00:07:32,127
Fresh air, no screens.
200
00:07:32,178 --> 00:07:34,270
I'm getting really good
at chopping wood too.
201
00:07:34,941 --> 00:07:36,147
You're a regular Paul Bunyan.
202
00:07:36,267 --> 00:07:38,550
Ow!
I got stung by the wood!
203
00:07:38,584 --> 00:07:39,610
Oh, no, it's a splinter.
204
00:07:39,659 --> 00:07:40,826
I need to get on webMD now!
205
00:07:40,844 --> 00:07:42,661
I need a iPhone or a Samsung Galaxy,
206
00:07:42,679 --> 00:07:43,762
something with 4G.
207
00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:45,163
There's no time for the edge network.
208
00:07:45,182 --> 00:07:46,966
What are you doing?
Wha--? W-w-waa!
209
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:49,185
Got it.
210
00:07:49,219 --> 00:07:50,853
I still think
we should find a computer
211
00:07:50,887 --> 00:07:52,838
and Google
"sterilization techniques."
212
00:07:52,856 --> 00:07:54,240
Yeah, I have a new idea.
213
00:07:54,274 --> 00:07:56,926
You need to purge all of this
garbage from your system.
214
00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:59,211
Talk about all the things
you do on those screens,
215
00:07:59,246 --> 00:08:01,981
and let the words just
float away into the fresh air,
216
00:08:02,015 --> 00:08:04,617
- and then we will be done.
- Okay, worth a shot.
217
00:08:04,651 --> 00:08:07,403
Every day I start by hitting up
Facebook, Twitter,
218
00:08:07,454 --> 00:08:08,737
tumblr, and Instagram.
219
00:08:08,788 --> 00:08:10,739
Sometimes I like to throw in LinkedIn,
220
00:08:10,790 --> 00:08:12,958
for the professional shorties.
221
00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:14,660
See?
That was easy.
222
00:08:14,694 --> 00:08:16,161
Then I like to go on reddit.
223
00:08:16,195 --> 00:08:17,379
Reddit's great, 'cause it has
224
00:08:17,414 --> 00:08:19,415
all the important links you need.
225
00:08:21,218 --> 00:08:22,635
- New shirt?
- Yeah.
226
00:08:22,669 --> 00:08:25,004
I got it at the dude ranch
with my boyfriend.
227
00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:27,389
- You like it?
- It's not my favorite shirt,
228
00:08:27,424 --> 00:08:30,926
but it is my least favorite shirt.
229
00:08:30,977 --> 00:08:32,511
Perd, we strongly believe
230
00:08:32,545 --> 00:08:36,048
in teaching and practicing abstinence.
231
00:08:36,066 --> 00:08:39,184
We all have some crazy urges
from time to time,
232
00:08:39,218 --> 00:08:40,552
but you just can't act on them.
233
00:08:40,570 --> 00:08:43,522
You have to bury them
way down deep inside.
234
00:08:43,556 --> 00:08:46,275
You have to say, "Get out
of here, you crazy urges!
235
00:08:46,326 --> 00:08:48,027
You are not welcome
in this brain of mine!"
236
00:08:48,061 --> 00:08:49,695
There are some statistics
237
00:08:49,729 --> 00:08:51,247
that I'd like to share with you now,
238
00:08:51,281 --> 00:08:52,915
and they are numbers.
239
00:08:52,949 --> 00:08:55,000
Some 85% of Pawnee residents
240
00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:57,736
support
abstinence-only education.
241
00:08:57,754 --> 00:09:00,089
And the other 15% are perverts.
242
00:09:00,123 --> 00:09:01,740
- J.K., you guys.
- [Laughs]
243
00:09:01,758 --> 00:09:04,627
And 100% of Pawneeans
are "perd-verts."
244
00:09:04,678 --> 00:09:05,911
- [Laughs]
- That's the name I call
245
00:09:05,929 --> 00:09:07,046
fans of this show
246
00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:09,848
based on the fact
that my name is Perd.
247
00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:11,600
We'll see you
after the break, perd-verts.
248
00:09:11,635 --> 00:09:12,885
[Laughs]
249
00:09:12,919 --> 00:09:14,470
Look, we need an emergency
task force meeting.
250
00:09:14,521 --> 00:09:15,554
What do we do?
251
00:09:15,588 --> 00:09:16,972
Objective studies have shown
252
00:09:17,023 --> 00:09:19,275
that abstinence-only
education doesn't work.
253
00:09:19,309 --> 00:09:20,592
People still have sex.
254
00:09:20,610 --> 00:09:21,860
They don't know how to use protection,
255
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,696
so the disease keeps spreading.
256
00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:25,564
We need to give people
practical knowledge.
257
00:09:25,598 --> 00:09:27,816
Ann Perkins,
your expertise is thrilling,
258
00:09:27,867 --> 00:09:30,653
and frankly, almost arousing,
259
00:09:30,704 --> 00:09:32,037
but the law is the law.
260
00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:33,605
Well, you're on city council now.
261
00:09:33,623 --> 00:09:35,908
- Change the law.
- The people support this.
262
00:09:35,942 --> 00:09:38,276
I couldn't fight those numbers
even if I wanted to.
263
00:09:38,295 --> 00:09:39,828
It's political suicide.
264
00:09:39,879 --> 00:09:41,714
So we're just gonna do
the thing we know doesn't work?
265
00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:43,582
- Great plan.
- There's no other option, Ann.
266
00:09:43,616 --> 00:09:44,633
Put away your sex toys
267
00:09:44,668 --> 00:09:45,751
and play with them on your own time.
268
00:09:45,785 --> 00:09:48,120
- [Sighs]
- I did eat all the bananas,
269
00:09:48,138 --> 00:09:50,756
so you can't play with those.
270
00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:52,975
Oh, hey, nice work
on the jobs research.
271
00:09:53,009 --> 00:09:56,095
Shh! Look.
272
00:09:57,314 --> 00:09:58,897
What am I looking at?
He's not doing anything.
273
00:09:58,932 --> 00:09:59,982
That's the point.
274
00:10:00,016 --> 00:10:02,234
This morning he got in,
sat down in there,
275
00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:05,437
and has been staring
straight ahead, doing nothing.
276
00:10:05,471 --> 00:10:07,189
- He's a robot.
- He's not a robot.
277
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:09,658
He's just thinking.
He's got a lot on his mind.
278
00:10:09,693 --> 00:10:11,977
Yeah, like, "One, one, zero, one.
279
00:10:11,995 --> 00:10:13,529
Must eat babies for fuel."
280
00:10:13,580 --> 00:10:14,997
[Scoffs] Why would a robot
281
00:10:15,031 --> 00:10:16,915
need to consume organic matter?
282
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:18,367
Sorry.
283
00:10:18,418 --> 00:10:20,819
You know what,
they probably put a TV in there,
284
00:10:20,837 --> 00:10:24,289
and he's watching old speeches
to bone up or something.
285
00:10:24,323 --> 00:10:26,258
Let's go see.
286
00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:27,710
Congressman,
287
00:10:27,761 --> 00:10:30,629
here is the briefing packet
for our strategy meeting later.
288
00:10:30,663 --> 00:10:33,665
Excellent, thank you.
289
00:10:34,667 --> 00:10:36,135
Anything else I can do for you?
290
00:10:36,169 --> 00:10:38,837
No, sir.
All systems are operational.
291
00:10:38,855 --> 00:10:41,607
Great. Stay cool.
Hot one out there today.
292
00:10:42,776 --> 00:10:45,978
Thank you, congressman.
293
00:10:48,732 --> 00:10:52,117
Wikipedia:
Mankind's greatest invention/
294
00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:53,402
you can learn about anything.
295
00:10:53,453 --> 00:10:55,404
Take Ray J, for example.
296
00:10:55,455 --> 00:10:57,239
We all know he's a singer,
he's Brandy's brother,
297
00:10:57,290 --> 00:10:58,824
and he was in that classic sex tape
298
00:10:58,858 --> 00:11:00,242
with Kim Kardashian,
299
00:11:00,293 --> 00:11:03,078
but did you also know
he's Snoop Dogg's cousin
300
00:11:03,129 --> 00:11:06,248
and he was in the '96
Tim Burton movie Mars Attacks?
301
00:11:06,299 --> 00:11:08,333
Suddenly, you're on
the Mars Attacks page.
302
00:11:08,367 --> 00:11:11,086
I love GChat.
You can talk to anybody.
303
00:11:11,137 --> 00:11:13,872
I hit up Brad.Pitt.
It wasn't the actor.
304
00:11:13,890 --> 00:11:17,476
It's actually a guy named Brad
that's a teacher in Pittsburgh.
305
00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:19,711
[Gunshots]
306
00:11:19,729 --> 00:11:21,814
We don't have a lot in common,
but we chat quite a bit.
307
00:11:21,848 --> 00:11:24,316
"Emoji" are little cartoons
you text instead of words.
308
00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:25,684
Instead of saying,
"What up, boo?"
309
00:11:25,718 --> 00:11:27,719
You can type "What up,"
and then a cute, little ghost,
310
00:11:27,737 --> 00:11:28,771
'cause
that means "boo."
311
00:11:28,822 --> 00:11:29,905
There's even a little Indian guy,
312
00:11:29,939 --> 00:11:32,274
but he has a turban on,
which I think is racist,
313
00:11:32,325 --> 00:11:34,693
but the Asian guy
also has a racist hat on,
314
00:11:34,727 --> 00:11:35,894
and it's like, "Hold up,
315
00:11:35,912 --> 00:11:37,062
didn't Japanese people
invent this?"
316
00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:39,031
Podcasts.
There are a million of 'em,
317
00:11:39,065 --> 00:11:40,732
and they're all amazing.
318
00:11:40,750 --> 00:11:43,752
Jean-Ralphio and I have one
called "Nacho average podcast,"
319
00:11:43,787 --> 00:11:45,237
where we rate
different kinds of nachos.
320
00:11:45,255 --> 00:11:47,172
- It seems like--
- Okay, that's enough!
321
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:48,406
No more talking.
322
00:11:48,425 --> 00:11:49,925
But you told me
to get it all out of my system.
323
00:11:49,959 --> 00:11:52,544
I had no idea how much
you had in your system.
324
00:11:52,578 --> 00:11:53,762
This is a real problem, tom.
325
00:11:53,797 --> 00:11:57,299
You are an addict
and you need to change.
326
00:11:57,350 --> 00:12:01,270
I've downloaded
every episode of Intervention.
327
00:12:01,304 --> 00:12:04,189
I know what to do here.
328
00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:05,441
[Sober] You're right.
329
00:12:05,475 --> 00:12:06,809
I am an addict.
330
00:12:06,860 --> 00:12:10,195
I've hurt all my friends
and family with my addiction.
331
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:12,597
I will accept this gift
of rehabilitation.
332
00:12:12,615 --> 00:12:13,866
I'm proud of you,
333
00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:16,285
but also a bit fearful
that we're verging on
334
00:12:16,319 --> 00:12:19,037
what I call "feelings territory,"
335
00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:21,240
so let's stare at the fire in silence.
336
00:12:21,274 --> 00:12:23,275
I've had a breakthrough, Ron.
337
00:12:23,293 --> 00:12:25,110
What do you say
you chop up some more wood,
338
00:12:25,128 --> 00:12:26,378
and I'll take your car
339
00:12:26,412 --> 00:12:29,882
and go grab us some victory steaks?
340
00:12:30,967 --> 00:12:32,251
Perfect.
341
00:12:32,285 --> 00:12:34,503
I'm so glad
you've come to your senses.
342
00:12:34,554 --> 00:12:36,421
Here's our educational pamphlet.
343
00:12:36,455 --> 00:12:38,557
I recommend you start reading
at chapter three.
344
00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:39,925
"Chapter three.
345
00:12:39,959 --> 00:12:41,760
There's a party in your pants
and no one is invited."
346
00:12:41,794 --> 00:12:43,762
This is crazy.
I mean, obviously,
347
00:12:43,796 --> 00:12:46,648
the best way to prevent disease
is to magically stop all sex,
348
00:12:46,683 --> 00:12:48,100
but that's not gonna happen.
349
00:12:48,134 --> 00:12:50,802
Well, maybe not where you
come from in "Tramp-sylvania."
350
00:12:50,820 --> 00:12:53,238
[Laughs] Good one, honey!
351
00:12:53,273 --> 00:12:56,024
I'm from Michigan!
352
00:12:56,075 --> 00:12:57,693
That wasn't worth saying.
353
00:12:57,744 --> 00:12:59,328
Why are you doing this?
You're gonna get up there
354
00:12:59,362 --> 00:13:00,779
and say a bunch of stuff
you don't believe?
355
00:13:00,813 --> 00:13:01,947
Well, it's the law.
356
00:13:01,981 --> 00:13:03,665
I get that.
I just--
357
00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:05,284
You're not acting like yourself.
358
00:13:05,318 --> 00:13:08,120
Really?
You want to go there?
359
00:13:08,154 --> 00:13:09,154
Go where?
360
00:13:09,172 --> 00:13:10,155
You know where we're going.
361
00:13:10,173 --> 00:13:11,540
No, I have no idea, honestly.
362
00:13:11,591 --> 00:13:12,791
Okay, I guess we're going there.
363
00:13:12,825 --> 00:13:13,825
Are we leaving?
364
00:13:13,843 --> 00:13:14,927
You want me to act like myself?
365
00:13:14,961 --> 00:13:15,994
You're dressed like a cowboy!
366
00:13:16,012 --> 00:13:18,797
So? It's fun,
and I like it.
367
00:13:18,831 --> 00:13:21,183
When you dated Andy,
you dressed in flannels.
368
00:13:21,217 --> 00:13:23,352
When you dated Chris,
you dressed in spandex.
369
00:13:23,386 --> 00:13:26,138
Ann, please do not lecture me
about acting like myself.
370
00:13:26,172 --> 00:13:29,525
You're dressed like an abstinence girl
371
00:13:29,559 --> 00:13:31,226
on the outside!
372
00:13:31,277 --> 00:13:32,811
God, I'm off
my comeback game right now.
373
00:13:32,845 --> 00:13:34,512
You know what? I don't care,
do whatever you want.
374
00:13:34,531 --> 00:13:36,281
Okay.
375
00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:37,783
Girl, you look like Annie Oakley
376
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:41,203
and Pippi Longstocking
had a baby and I love it.
377
00:13:43,239 --> 00:13:44,790
A deer jumped in front of the car,
378
00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:46,158
and then a bear
jumped in front of the deer!
379
00:13:46,192 --> 00:13:47,376
[Sighs]
380
00:13:47,410 --> 00:13:49,912
"'Tommy-edamame'
is back on the grid.
381
00:13:49,963 --> 00:13:52,130
"Tell everyone to light me up
with their dijjies,
382
00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:53,749
gotta load 'em
into my burner."
383
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:56,368
Yes, I went to best buy
and bought a phone.
384
00:13:56,386 --> 00:13:58,420
Out of the car, now.
385
00:13:58,471 --> 00:14:00,639
Where are we going, Ron?
386
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:02,591
Are we walking to best buy
to get a better phone?
387
00:14:02,642 --> 00:14:04,009
[Synthesizer pop music]
388
00:14:04,043 --> 00:14:06,311
♪ I'm Marshall Langman
and I'm here to say ♪
389
00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:08,713
♪ that sex before marriage
is never the way ♪
390
00:14:08,731 --> 00:14:11,183
♪ I waited till marriage
and then some to do it ♪
391
00:14:11,217 --> 00:14:12,851
♪ if you decide to sin,
you'll rue it! ♪
392
00:14:12,885 --> 00:14:14,552
Word.
393
00:14:14,571 --> 00:14:16,554
Whoo! Whoo!
394
00:14:16,573 --> 00:14:18,056
Thank you very much, Marshall.
395
00:14:18,074 --> 00:14:19,858
Hello, my aged friends.
396
00:14:19,892 --> 00:14:22,494
Some of you might remember
that I was here before.
397
00:14:22,528 --> 00:14:24,780
- I don't remember that.
- Well, I was.
398
00:14:24,831 --> 00:14:26,832
But I have a new message for you.
399
00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:31,703
The best way to be safe
is to simply postpone sex
400
00:14:31,737 --> 00:14:33,288
until marriage.
401
00:14:33,339 --> 00:14:35,374
I am not going to be told
not to have sex
402
00:14:35,408 --> 00:14:38,126
by someone who's ten years my junior.
403
00:14:38,177 --> 00:14:40,178
Amen, Gladys.
You're right!
404
00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:42,247
Not about the age thing,
about the other thing.
405
00:14:42,265 --> 00:14:43,915
Perhaps you might understand it better
406
00:14:43,933 --> 00:14:45,968
if I read to you from this pamphlet,
407
00:14:46,019 --> 00:14:48,470
So you think you know more than God.
408
00:14:48,521 --> 00:14:49,754
"Our bodies are God's gift,
409
00:14:49,772 --> 00:14:51,723
"but they're also
the devil's playground.
410
00:14:51,757 --> 00:14:53,809
"The devil likes to hide
411
00:14:53,860 --> 00:14:56,028
"in all your private nooks
and crannies,
412
00:14:56,062 --> 00:14:57,929
"and if you open too wide,
413
00:14:57,947 --> 00:15:00,532
he might get out, or in."
What--?
414
00:15:00,566 --> 00:15:03,285
Can we just see
the condom demonstration again?
415
00:15:03,319 --> 00:15:06,204
'Cause I don't know
where Lou has been.
416
00:15:06,239 --> 00:15:11,076
Well, I-I wish I-I could,
but I--
417
00:15:14,613 --> 00:15:16,498
Oh, screw it.
Okay, here.
418
00:15:16,549 --> 00:15:17,782
This is a penis, right?
419
00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:19,501
You put a condom on it,
and you pull the tip like this,
420
00:15:19,552 --> 00:15:21,970
and you roll it
all the way down the penis.
421
00:15:22,005 --> 00:15:23,388
Tell you what, condoms for everybody!
422
00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:24,673
Who wants some?
423
00:15:24,724 --> 00:15:26,341
Safe sex for everybody!
[Cheering and commotion]
424
00:15:26,392 --> 00:15:27,392
- Hey!
- This is--
425
00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:29,255
Hey, who wants to party?
426
00:15:30,925 --> 00:15:32,890
It's a censure from the mayor's office.
427
00:15:33,122 --> 00:15:34,089
It's so official.
428
00:15:34,123 --> 00:15:35,573
I mean, look at the paper quality.
429
00:15:35,591 --> 00:15:37,209
This is no joke.
430
00:15:37,243 --> 00:15:39,177
I know I'm supposed
to help educate the public,
431
00:15:39,212 --> 00:15:42,164
but I also have an obligation
to uphold the laws.
432
00:15:42,198 --> 00:15:43,715
You're my boss.
What's my move here?
433
00:15:43,749 --> 00:15:45,517
Actually, Leslie, you're my boss now.
434
00:15:45,551 --> 00:15:46,247
That's right.
435
00:15:46,367 --> 00:15:47,876
Why am I still weirdly scared of you?
436
00:15:47,996 --> 00:15:50,555
I'm very confident
and I make a lot of eye contact.
437
00:15:50,590 --> 00:15:51,312
Hmm.
438
00:15:51,432 --> 00:15:52,824
As your city manager,
439
00:15:52,859 --> 00:15:56,028
I recommend
that you formally apologize
440
00:15:56,062 --> 00:15:57,095
and that, in the future,
441
00:15:57,113 --> 00:15:59,031
you stick to the letter of the law,
442
00:15:59,065 --> 00:16:01,199
but between you and me,
as your best friend...
443
00:16:01,234 --> 00:16:02,984
- Wha--?
- I kind of admire
444
00:16:03,036 --> 00:16:04,453
what you did up there.
445
00:16:04,487 --> 00:16:05,871
Made me happy that I voted for you
446
00:16:05,905 --> 00:16:08,407
as my city council member.
447
00:16:08,441 --> 00:16:10,909
Okay, this is great, just make sure
448
00:16:10,943 --> 00:16:12,697
that you don't go
too tight on him, all right?
449
00:16:12,817 --> 00:16:14,379
- Hey, can I ask you a question?
- Mm.
450
00:16:14,414 --> 00:16:16,331
What's the deal with the congressman?
451
00:16:16,382 --> 00:16:19,134
Seriously, like,
he seems a little robotic...
452
00:16:19,168 --> 00:16:20,218
- [Chuckles]
- Or something?
453
00:16:20,253 --> 00:16:22,087
Yeah, yeah, he's great, yeah.
454
00:16:22,121 --> 00:16:23,422
He turns it on when he has to,
455
00:16:23,456 --> 00:16:25,090
and when he doesn't,
he just sits there.
456
00:16:25,124 --> 00:16:27,175
There's no surprises, it's perfect.
457
00:16:27,226 --> 00:16:29,811
Oh, congressman,
can you just sit in the chair
458
00:16:29,846 --> 00:16:31,796
to test the satellite feed?
459
00:16:31,814 --> 00:16:33,231
Okey-dokey.
460
00:16:33,266 --> 00:16:35,233
Just run through
some of your stump speech.
461
00:16:35,268 --> 00:16:38,520
We've gone through
some difficult times,
462
00:16:38,571 --> 00:16:41,139
but we're from Ohio.
We're tough.
463
00:16:41,157 --> 00:16:43,942
We won't just survive
these dark times,
464
00:16:43,976 --> 00:16:46,445
we will thrive!
465
00:16:46,479 --> 00:16:48,330
That's great.
Good.
466
00:16:48,364 --> 00:16:50,866
Cool beans.
467
00:16:50,917 --> 00:16:53,919
See you guys later.
468
00:16:55,254 --> 00:16:58,623
God, I love him.
He's the best.
469
00:16:58,657 --> 00:17:01,326
I'm sorry I crashed your car.
470
00:17:01,344 --> 00:17:03,462
Please forgive me, Ron.
Please, Ron?
471
00:17:03,496 --> 00:17:05,847
Please?
472
00:17:05,882 --> 00:17:07,599
What are you doing?
Are you going to kill me?
473
00:17:07,633 --> 00:17:11,186
Why do you need to be
constantly distracted, tom?
474
00:17:13,306 --> 00:17:14,523
The truth is
475
00:17:14,557 --> 00:17:16,475
I spend a lot of time
looking at screens
476
00:17:16,509 --> 00:17:17,943
because recently,
477
00:17:17,977 --> 00:17:19,394
a lot of the stuff in my real life
478
00:17:19,445 --> 00:17:20,862
isn't going that great.
479
00:17:20,897 --> 00:17:23,949
So I'd rather play Doodle Jump
then think about that.
480
00:17:23,983 --> 00:17:26,952
Okay?
I'm sorry, I really am.
481
00:17:28,187 --> 00:17:29,538
Go sit in your office
482
00:17:29,572 --> 00:17:32,791
while I consider whether
to turn you in to the judge.
483
00:17:32,825 --> 00:17:35,961
And while you're there,
neither doodle nor jump.
484
00:17:40,633 --> 00:17:44,369
Hey. I just wanted
to come lend my support.
485
00:17:44,387 --> 00:17:45,670
What are you going to say out there?
486
00:17:45,704 --> 00:17:48,006
I don't know.
I got censured, it's a big deal.
487
00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:50,926
Well, if you ask me,
you were elected to lead
488
00:17:50,977 --> 00:17:52,344
and not to follow.
489
00:17:52,378 --> 00:17:54,646
Which is probably
what I should've said
490
00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:56,014
instead of what I did say.
491
00:17:56,048 --> 00:17:57,682
I feel terrible about what I said too.
492
00:17:57,716 --> 00:17:59,217
No, you were right.
493
00:17:59,235 --> 00:18:01,386
I know, but I still feel terrible.
494
00:18:01,404 --> 00:18:02,737
I'm sorry, continue.
495
00:18:02,772 --> 00:18:05,023
I kind of lost myself
in this relationship.
496
00:18:05,057 --> 00:18:07,225
I bought a lasso online, Leslie.
497
00:18:07,243 --> 00:18:08,326
Yikes.
498
00:18:08,361 --> 00:18:10,695
I turned all my jeans
into Daisy Dukes.
499
00:18:10,729 --> 00:18:12,831
My personality kinda gets swept up
500
00:18:12,865 --> 00:18:16,067
in whatever guy I'm dating,
and I want to change that.
501
00:18:16,085 --> 00:18:17,569
I broke it off with Ricky.
502
00:18:17,587 --> 00:18:19,037
Well, that's good, but I'll tell you,
503
00:18:19,071 --> 00:18:21,540
he'll never lasso another heifer
504
00:18:21,574 --> 00:18:25,126
as fine as you, Annie Oakley.
505
00:18:25,178 --> 00:18:27,412
The story of that commercial break is
506
00:18:27,446 --> 00:18:28,547
it's over.
507
00:18:28,581 --> 00:18:31,183
Leslie, what exactly
does "censure" mean?
508
00:18:31,217 --> 00:18:33,101
It means that I have been
formally disciplined
509
00:18:33,135 --> 00:18:34,636
for breaking the law.
510
00:18:34,687 --> 00:18:37,922
Well, you know what they say,
"You break it, you buy it."
511
00:18:37,940 --> 00:18:39,407
That doesn't really apply here.
512
00:18:39,442 --> 00:18:41,443
Tell that to the folks at Pier 1,
513
00:18:41,477 --> 00:18:44,762
an establishment
I'm no longer allowed inside.
514
00:18:44,780 --> 00:18:46,264
Perd, I'd like to apologize.
515
00:18:46,282 --> 00:18:47,566
Thank you.
516
00:18:47,600 --> 00:18:50,435
Apologize for the antiquated
laws in this city.
517
00:18:50,453 --> 00:18:53,154
States that teach
abstinence-only
518
00:18:53,206 --> 00:18:55,740
have the highest rates
of teen pregnancy and STDs.
519
00:18:55,774 --> 00:18:57,659
To continue this policy is insane.
520
00:18:57,710 --> 00:19:01,112
Look, we all want
the same thing, right?
521
00:19:01,130 --> 00:19:04,249
We want fewer unwanted
pregnancies and fewer STDs.
522
00:19:04,283 --> 00:19:06,618
Why don't we use
every weapon that we have?
523
00:19:06,636 --> 00:19:08,953
I know that most of you
don't agree with me on this,
524
00:19:08,971 --> 00:19:12,140
but I'm going to fight very hard
to change your minds,
525
00:19:12,174 --> 00:19:14,759
and until then,
I will take this censure,
526
00:19:14,793 --> 00:19:18,796
and I will wear it proudly,
like a badge of honor.
527
00:19:18,814 --> 00:19:20,315
Wow, strong words from a woman
528
00:19:20,349 --> 00:19:23,018
who is trying to pin
a piece of paper to her blazer.
529
00:19:23,069 --> 00:19:26,471
Next up on the program,
we hear from you, our fans,
530
00:19:26,489 --> 00:19:29,574
in our new segment,
"Are you there, perd-verts?
531
00:19:29,609 --> 00:19:32,777
It's me, Perd,
hosting a new segment."
532
00:19:32,811 --> 00:19:36,314
[Groans] I'm so bored.
533
00:19:36,332 --> 00:19:37,582
I have something for you, son.
534
00:19:37,617 --> 00:19:39,534
- My iPhone?
- No.
535
00:19:39,585 --> 00:19:41,486
I am giving you
a non-electronic book
536
00:19:41,504 --> 00:19:42,704
made of paper from a tree.
537
00:19:42,755 --> 00:19:47,158
It is called
Auto Repair Manual: 1982.
538
00:19:47,176 --> 00:19:49,160
You will read this book
from cover to cover,
539
00:19:49,178 --> 00:19:52,430
then you will assist me in
repairing the damage to my car.
540
00:19:52,465 --> 00:19:54,432
I will not report you to the judge,
541
00:19:54,467 --> 00:19:57,001
but if you slip up again,
you will have much more to fear
542
00:19:57,019 --> 00:19:59,521
than some feeble
government employee in a robe.
543
00:19:59,555 --> 00:20:01,005
- Thanks.
- Two more things.
544
00:20:01,023 --> 00:20:02,307
When you do get your phone back,
545
00:20:02,341 --> 00:20:03,841
you will not stare at it
546
00:20:03,859 --> 00:20:05,610
when you're talking
with another human being.
547
00:20:05,645 --> 00:20:07,812
Look a man in the eye
when you speak with him.
548
00:20:07,846 --> 00:20:09,781
And second, if you ever need
549
00:20:09,815 --> 00:20:13,401
to discuss your problems
with someone...
550
00:20:13,452 --> 00:20:16,020
find Leslie.
She lives for that crap.
551
00:20:16,038 --> 00:20:19,190
Get to work.
552
00:20:19,208 --> 00:20:21,660
They're killing me in the press.
553
00:20:21,694 --> 00:20:24,462
The Pawnee Sun
is calling me "Loose-ly Grope."
554
00:20:24,497 --> 00:20:26,030
But you know what?
I don't even care.
555
00:20:26,048 --> 00:20:27,198
I'm gonna kick all their asses!
556
00:20:27,216 --> 00:20:28,550
I am so fired up!
557
00:20:28,584 --> 00:20:30,835
I'm gonna go right now
and drink, like, 1,000 Red Bulls
558
00:20:30,869 --> 00:20:33,505
so I can draft a new bill
to undo abstinence-only.
559
00:20:33,539 --> 00:20:35,757
Man, you are just a machine.
560
00:20:35,808 --> 00:20:37,425
Get stuff done.
561
00:20:37,476 --> 00:20:39,210
Hey, why don't you send it to me
when you have a draft?
562
00:20:39,228 --> 00:20:40,845
- I'll try to help.
- You're the greatest.
563
00:20:40,879 --> 00:20:42,263
But you're gonna have
to take out a lot of cursing,
564
00:20:42,315 --> 00:20:43,715
'cause like I said,
I am very fired up.
565
00:20:43,733 --> 00:20:46,868
Well, you go get 'em.
I love you.
566
00:20:46,902 --> 00:20:49,154
I love you too.
What are you wearing?
567
00:20:49,188 --> 00:20:50,855
I can't do that right now.
568
00:20:50,889 --> 00:20:51,873
[Laughs]
569
00:20:51,993 --> 00:20:58,889
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
570
00:20:59,604 --> 00:21:03,092
- Yo, you ready to go?
- Why, yes, I am, April!
571
00:21:03,335 --> 00:21:05,001
Let's go now!
572
00:21:05,003 --> 00:21:06,002
What's wrong with you?
573
00:21:06,004 --> 00:21:08,013
[Fake laugh] Wonderful!
574
00:21:08,133 --> 00:21:09,588
Hey, be careful out there.
575
00:21:09,708 --> 00:21:11,975
Traffic is nuts
on the streets and roads.
576
00:21:11,977 --> 00:21:14,511
Oh, no!
They got you!
577
00:21:14,513 --> 00:21:16,096
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ah, ha, ha.
578
00:21:16,098 --> 00:21:17,751
Terrific!
Hey, I'm hungry.
579
00:21:17,847 --> 00:21:20,430
Let's go eat some batteries--
I mean, human food.
580
00:21:20,432 --> 00:21:21,715
Hey, uh, batteries--
581
00:21:21,717 --> 00:21:23,684
I mean, human food sounds good to me.
582
00:21:23,686 --> 00:21:24,781
Wonderful.
583
00:21:27,172 --> 00:21:29,356
- Let's go.
- [Laughs]