1 00:00:01,269 --> 00:00:03,771 - OKAY, EVERYBODY. BIG, BIG NEWS. 2 00:00:03,804 --> 00:00:05,439 UH, LESLIE, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO THE HONORS? 3 00:00:05,473 --> 00:00:07,175 - NO, I THINK YOU SHOULD DELIVER THE NEWS. 4 00:00:07,208 --> 00:00:08,242 - YEAH, BUT YOU'RE THE CANDIDATE. 5 00:00:08,276 --> 00:00:09,143 - YEAH, BUT YOU'RE THE BRILLIANT CAMPAIGN MANAGER. 6 00:00:09,177 --> 00:00:11,145 - BUT YOU'RE THE CUTEST. - I LOVE YOU. 7 00:00:11,179 --> 00:00:13,013 - I LOVE YOU TOO. 8 00:00:14,215 --> 00:00:15,583 - HEY, WERE YOU GOING TO TELL US SOMETHING? 9 00:00:15,616 --> 00:00:17,285 - OH, YEAH. - OH, RIGHT. 10 00:00:17,318 --> 00:00:18,452 THE LATEST POLL HAS US 11 00:00:18,486 --> 00:00:21,155 ONLY TWO POINTS BEHIND BOBBY NEWPORT! 12 00:00:21,189 --> 00:00:22,390 - WHOO! YES! - TWO POINTS! 13 00:00:22,423 --> 00:00:23,391 - I KNOW, YOU GUYS, 14 00:00:23,424 --> 00:00:25,359 WE ONLY HAVE ONE MORE DAY TO CLOSE THE GAP, 15 00:00:25,393 --> 00:00:28,796 AND WE'RE GOING TO DO SO IN A ONE-TIME CAMPAIGN BLITZ 16 00:00:28,829 --> 00:00:30,531 ABOARD THES.S. KNOPE. 17 00:00:30,564 --> 00:00:32,533 THIS IS GOING TO BE OUR HOME FOR THE NEXT 24 HOURS. 18 00:00:32,566 --> 00:00:34,402 AND IF WE WIN, HOPEFULLY, IT WILL BE THE HOME 19 00:00:34,435 --> 00:00:36,404 THAT BEN AND I SHARE FOREVER. - UH, WHAT? 20 00:00:36,437 --> 00:00:37,805 - IT'S JUST AN IDEA I HAD. WE DON'T HAVE TO DO IT. 21 00:00:37,838 --> 00:00:39,073 WHATEVER. WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT. 22 00:00:39,107 --> 00:00:40,141 OKAY, HERE WE GO! 23 00:00:40,174 --> 00:00:40,974 WE'VE COME SO FAR. 24 00:00:41,008 --> 00:00:43,311 I WANT THIS SO BAD, I CAN TASTE IT. 25 00:00:43,344 --> 00:00:45,413 WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES, 26 00:00:45,446 --> 00:00:47,815 I CAN PICTURE THE FLASH OF THE CAMERAS 27 00:00:47,848 --> 00:00:49,283 AT MY SWEARING IN. 28 00:00:49,317 --> 00:00:51,819 AND I CAN HEAR THE SOUND OF THE APPLAUSE 29 00:00:51,852 --> 00:00:53,487 WHEN I TAKE MY OATH. 30 00:00:53,521 --> 00:00:56,224 AND I CAN SEE IN THE CROWD 31 00:00:56,257 --> 00:00:59,293 PRESIDENT OBAMA SMILING AT ME. 32 00:00:59,327 --> 00:01:01,262 HE MADE IT. 33 00:01:01,295 --> 00:01:04,298 I DIDN'T THINK HE WOULD COME, BUT HE MADE IT. 34 00:01:04,332 --> 00:01:06,167 HEY, BUDDY. 35 00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:09,170 [triumphant music] 36 00:01:09,203 --> 00:01:17,211 * 37 00:01:26,354 --> 00:01:28,456 - A FEW DAYS AGO, ON A ROUTINE CAMPAIGN STOP 38 00:01:28,489 --> 00:01:29,623 IN DOWNTOWN PAWNEE, 39 00:01:29,657 --> 00:01:33,361 ONE LESLIE KNOPE-- PAUSE--WAS ATTACKED-- 40 00:01:33,394 --> 00:01:36,297 PLAY-- BY A PIE. 41 00:01:36,330 --> 00:01:38,599 LUCKILY, IT ONLY HIT JERRY, SO NO DAMAGE WAS DONE. 42 00:01:38,632 --> 00:01:40,168 PLAY. 43 00:01:40,201 --> 00:01:42,503 THE ONLY EVIDENCE WE HAVE IS A VIDEO SHOT BY-- 44 00:01:42,536 --> 00:01:46,340 PAUSE--MY WIFE, APRIL LUDGATE. 45 00:01:46,374 --> 00:01:50,278 THIS IS BERT MACKLIN'S GREATEST ASSIGNMENT YET. 46 00:01:50,311 --> 00:01:52,346 IF YOU ARE WATCHING, PERPETRATOR, 47 00:01:52,380 --> 00:01:57,151 JUST KNOW THAT YOU ARE STILL AT LARGE. 48 00:01:57,185 --> 00:01:58,352 OKAY, LISTEN UP, FOLKS. 49 00:01:58,386 --> 00:02:00,188 WE HAVE A SECURITY SITUATION HERE. 50 00:02:00,221 --> 00:02:02,690 AS YOU KNOW, WHEN WE REACH THE LOCATION, 51 00:02:02,723 --> 00:02:05,326 I WILL BE CONDUCTING A SECURITY SWEEP. 52 00:02:05,359 --> 00:02:07,495 ALSO, FROM NOW ON, WE'LL BE USING CODE NAMES. 53 00:02:07,528 --> 00:02:09,663 YOU CAN ADDRESS ME AS "EAGLE ONE." 54 00:02:09,697 --> 00:02:12,400 ANN, CODE NAME: "BEEN THERE, DONE THAT." 55 00:02:12,433 --> 00:02:14,335 APRIL IS "CURRENTLY DOING THAT." 56 00:02:14,368 --> 00:02:16,637 DONNA IS "IT HAPPENED ONCE IN A DREAM." 57 00:02:16,670 --> 00:02:18,939 CHRIS, CODE NAME: "IF I HAD TO PICK A DUDE." 58 00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:21,642 BEN IS "EAGLE TWO." 59 00:02:21,675 --> 00:02:23,277 - OH, THANK GOD. 60 00:02:23,311 --> 00:02:25,913 - NO, PLEASE. COME-- 61 00:02:25,946 --> 00:02:27,381 WE HAVE A PROBLEM. 62 00:02:27,415 --> 00:02:28,249 THE VANS WE RENTED TO TAKE 63 00:02:28,282 --> 00:02:30,384 SENIOR CITIZENS TO THE POLLS TOMORROW 64 00:02:30,418 --> 00:02:32,386 ARE NOW, QUOTE, "NO LONGER AVAILABLE." 65 00:02:32,420 --> 00:02:33,487 - WHAT? 66 00:02:33,521 --> 00:02:35,356 I THOUGHT WE LOCKED THOSE VANS DOWN, LIKE, A WEEK AGO. 67 00:02:35,389 --> 00:02:36,590 - YEAH, WE WORKED REALLY HARD TO GET THOSE SENIORS BACK 68 00:02:36,624 --> 00:02:38,292 ON OUR SIDE AFTER THAT RAMP DEBACLE. 69 00:02:38,326 --> 00:02:40,261 I REALLY NEED THEIR VOTES. - OKAY. 70 00:02:40,294 --> 00:02:41,962 TOM, GO DOWN THERE AND GET THOSE VANS BACK. 71 00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:44,565 - I'LL USE MY LEGENDARY HAVERFORD CHARM. 72 00:02:44,598 --> 00:02:46,500 - I HAVE TOTAL FAITH IN YOU. 73 00:02:46,534 --> 00:02:48,369 TAKE DONNA WITH YOU. RON, YOU GO TOO. 74 00:02:48,402 --> 00:02:50,271 APRIL, YOU ARE A VERY INTELLIGENT 75 00:02:50,304 --> 00:02:51,239 AND SAVVY YOUNG WOMAN. 76 00:02:51,272 --> 00:02:52,606 I DO NOT JUST THINK OF YOU AS JUST A GOFER, 77 00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:54,408 BUT RIGHT NOW, I NEED YOU TO GET ME 78 00:02:54,442 --> 00:02:55,943 A TRIPLE ESPRESSO WITH EIGHT SUGARS. 79 00:02:55,976 --> 00:02:57,411 - OKAY. 80 00:02:57,445 --> 00:02:59,447 - WHA--I'M ON IT. I'LL GO. I'M GOING. 81 00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:01,282 - PLEASE, I CAN GO. I DON'T MIND. 82 00:03:01,315 --> 00:03:02,416 IT'S BETTER THAN LISTENING TO HER 83 00:03:02,450 --> 00:03:03,517 STUMP SPEECH FOR A MILLIONTH TIME. 84 00:03:03,551 --> 00:03:06,420 - NO. I WILL DO IT. I HAVE TO DO IT. 85 00:03:06,454 --> 00:03:08,356 I NEED TO DO IT. GOOD-BYE. 86 00:03:08,389 --> 00:03:10,758 THIS HAS BEEN A DIFFICULT YEAR FOR ME, ROMANTICALLY. 87 00:03:10,791 --> 00:03:15,463 MILLICENT GERGICH, ANN PERKINS, ANDY'S PROFESSOR-- 88 00:03:15,496 --> 00:03:16,664 LOTS OF DISAPPOINTMENT, 89 00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:19,333 BUT IF I KEEP MY BODY MOVING 90 00:03:19,367 --> 00:03:21,302 AND MY MIND OCCUPIED AT ALL TIMES, 91 00:03:21,335 --> 00:03:25,639 I WILL AVOID FALLING INTO A BOTTOMLESS PIT OF DESPAIR. 92 00:03:25,673 --> 00:03:28,342 - LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME 93 00:03:28,376 --> 00:03:31,412 THE NEXT CITY COUNCILOR OF THE GREAT CITY OF PAWNEE, 94 00:03:31,445 --> 00:03:32,546 LESLIE KNOPE! 95 00:03:32,580 --> 00:03:34,548 [cheers and applause] 96 00:03:34,582 --> 00:03:35,716 - THIS IS "EAGLE ONE," "BEEN THERE, DONE THAT" 97 00:03:35,749 --> 00:03:37,385 IS LEAVING THE STAGE. 98 00:03:37,418 --> 00:03:39,587 "I'D BE LYING IF I SAID I HADN'T THOUGHT ABOUT IT" 99 00:03:39,620 --> 00:03:42,456 IS IN POSITION. 100 00:03:42,490 --> 00:03:45,526 - WHAT DO WE WANT FOR OUR CITY? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I WANT. 101 00:03:45,559 --> 00:03:48,529 I WANT BETTER SCHOOLS, I WANT CLEANER STREETS, 102 00:03:48,562 --> 00:03:50,631 I WANT TO EXPEL THE VIOLENT GANGS 103 00:03:50,664 --> 00:03:53,401 OF GEESE IN DETWEILER SQUARE. 104 00:03:53,434 --> 00:03:57,605 AND I WILL FINALLY ELIMINATE THIS CITY'S LIBRARIES! 105 00:03:57,638 --> 00:03:58,606 [cheers and applause] 106 00:03:58,639 --> 00:04:00,007 THANK YOU. 107 00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:02,343 - IN THE LAST FEW WEEKS, WE'VE TURNED THIS CAMPAIGN 108 00:04:02,376 --> 00:04:03,777 INTO A WELL-OILED MACHINE. 109 00:04:03,811 --> 00:04:07,415 LESLIE'S STUMP SPEECH IS 10 MINUTES AND 40 SECONDS 110 00:04:07,448 --> 00:04:08,482 EVERY TIME. 111 00:04:08,516 --> 00:04:09,650 HERE, CHECK THIS OUT. 112 00:04:09,683 --> 00:04:14,422 THERE WILL BE A BIG LAUGH RIGHT...NOW. 113 00:04:14,455 --> 00:04:18,025 [laughter in background] 114 00:04:18,058 --> 00:04:20,461 AND NOW, A TWO-SECOND AWKWARD SILENCE 115 00:04:20,494 --> 00:04:22,496 AFTER LESLIE DOES HER RODNEY DANGERFIELD IMPRESSION. 116 00:04:22,530 --> 00:04:23,397 - [as Dangerfield] I TELL YA, 117 00:04:23,431 --> 00:04:24,565 THESE GEESE DON'T GIVE ME NO RESPECT. 118 00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:27,568 NO RESPECT AT ALL. 119 00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:29,737 - SHE INSISTS ON TRYING IT EVERY TIME, 120 00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:31,639 AND IT NEVER WORKS. - [clears throat] 121 00:04:31,672 --> 00:04:34,475 - BUT THE REST OF THE SPEECH, FANTASTIC. 122 00:04:34,508 --> 00:04:36,444 - WHEN I WAS BUILDING PARKS, HELPING THE COMMUNITY, 123 00:04:36,477 --> 00:04:39,380 AND PUTTING TOGETHER THE HARVEST FESTIVAL, 124 00:04:39,413 --> 00:04:40,548 WHERE WAS BOBBY? 125 00:04:40,581 --> 00:04:42,516 HE AND HIS FATHER, NICK NEWPORT 126 00:04:42,550 --> 00:04:45,353 WERE EXPLOITING THIS CITY FOR THEIR PERSONAL GAIN. 127 00:04:45,386 --> 00:04:47,087 YOU DESERVE MORE. 128 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,088 [cheers and applause] 129 00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:49,357 - HERE'S THE BEST PART. 130 00:04:49,390 --> 00:04:50,624 WATCH WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SHE SAYS... 131 00:04:50,658 --> 00:04:54,562 - TOGETHER, WE CAN BUILD A BETTER PAWNEE. 132 00:04:54,595 --> 00:04:55,796 [Gloria Estefan's Get on Your Feet plays] 133 00:04:55,829 --> 00:04:57,064 - * GET ON YOUR FEET 134 00:04:57,097 --> 00:05:00,668 - EVERYBODY SAYS THEY CARE ABOUT THE ISSUES, 135 00:05:00,701 --> 00:05:02,670 BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY, 136 00:05:02,703 --> 00:05:05,072 ALL ANYONE REALLY WANTS IS FREE CLOTHING 137 00:05:05,105 --> 00:05:07,441 SHOT AT THEM FROM A CANNON. 138 00:05:07,475 --> 00:05:12,446 - I'VE BEEN STARING AT THIS BOARD FOR DAYS. 139 00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:13,814 I'M SO CLOSE TO PUTTING IT TOGETHER. 140 00:05:13,847 --> 00:05:15,816 THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING WE MISSED. 141 00:05:15,849 --> 00:05:18,085 LET'S GO OVER THIS AGAIN. 142 00:05:18,118 --> 00:05:22,723 THE VIDEO SHOWS THAT THE PIE CAME FROM A HIGH ANGLE, 143 00:05:22,756 --> 00:05:27,395 SO IT WOULD'VE HIT YOUR FACE... LIKE THIS. 144 00:05:27,428 --> 00:05:28,596 - MM-HMM. 145 00:05:28,629 --> 00:05:31,565 - DON'T CLOSE YOUR EYES. 146 00:05:31,599 --> 00:05:33,667 - UH-- 147 00:05:33,701 --> 00:05:35,503 [sighs] 148 00:05:35,536 --> 00:05:40,374 - NO, NO. IT WAS ACTUALLY FROM UP HIGHER. 149 00:05:40,408 --> 00:05:41,509 IS THAT ABOUT RIGHT? 150 00:05:41,542 --> 00:05:43,377 - YEAH. - GOOD. 151 00:05:43,411 --> 00:05:45,713 CLEAN YOURSELF UP. LET'S DO THIS AGAIN. 152 00:05:45,746 --> 00:05:47,548 - HEY, BILL! 153 00:05:47,581 --> 00:05:49,617 TOM HAVERFORD FROM THE KNOPE CAMPAIGN. 154 00:05:49,650 --> 00:05:51,852 - AND YOU BROUGHT THE WHOLE POSSE WITH YOU, HUH? 155 00:05:51,885 --> 00:05:54,422 I'M NOT CHANGING MY MIND. 156 00:05:54,455 --> 00:05:55,856 - WE ALREADY PAID FOR THOSE VANS, MR. BUTLER. 157 00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:57,858 $900 FOR ONE DAY. 158 00:05:57,891 --> 00:06:00,728 - YEAH, IT WAS $900, BUT NOW IT'S $10,000. 159 00:06:00,761 --> 00:06:01,662 - EXCUSE ME? 160 00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:03,797 - THE NEWPORT CAMPAIGN OFFERED ME 10 GRAND 161 00:06:03,831 --> 00:06:05,866 TO JUST RENT THE VANS AND PARK THEM SOMEWHERE. 162 00:06:05,899 --> 00:06:07,735 SO I'M GOING TO TEAR UP YOUR CONTRACT, 163 00:06:07,768 --> 00:06:08,736 AND I'M GOING TO TAKE THE MONEY. 164 00:06:08,769 --> 00:06:09,737 ANYTHING ELSE? 165 00:06:09,770 --> 00:06:11,839 NO? GREAT. 166 00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:12,906 - WELL, WHAT NOW? 167 00:06:12,940 --> 00:06:14,608 - HE'S JUST PLAYING HARDBALL. 168 00:06:14,642 --> 00:06:16,644 LET ME TELL YOU HOW IT'S GONNA GO DOWN. 169 00:06:16,677 --> 00:06:17,945 IN A FEW MINUTES, WE'LL WALK IN THERE, 170 00:06:17,978 --> 00:06:20,448 WE'LL GIVE HIM OUR DEMANDS, AND THEN, BAM! 171 00:06:20,481 --> 00:06:22,416 I START CRYING. 172 00:06:22,450 --> 00:06:24,452 [sobbing] WE NEED THE VANS, SO PLEASE, 173 00:06:24,485 --> 00:06:25,853 GIVE THE VANS, PLEASE? 174 00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:27,688 WE NEED THE VANS. 175 00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:30,924 - AND IF ELECTED, I PROMISE TO STOP THE NEWPORTS 176 00:06:30,958 --> 00:06:34,595 AND SWEETUMS FROM BLATANTLY DUMPING CONTAMINANTS 177 00:06:34,628 --> 00:06:35,596 INTO THE PAWNEE RIVER. 178 00:06:35,629 --> 00:06:37,498 [cheers and applause] 179 00:06:37,531 --> 00:06:41,435 - LESLIE, CAN YOU COMMENT ON BOBBY'S FATHER NICK NEWPORT? 180 00:06:41,469 --> 00:06:43,971 - NICK NEWPORT HAS BEEN INTIMIDATING AND BULLYING 181 00:06:44,004 --> 00:06:45,839 AND POISONING THIS TOWN FOR YEARS. 182 00:06:45,873 --> 00:06:47,875 FRANKLY, HE'S A REAL JERK, 183 00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:49,577 AND IF HE THINKS HE CAN BUY THIS ELECTION FOR HIS SON, 184 00:06:49,610 --> 00:06:50,644 HE'S WRONG. 185 00:06:50,678 --> 00:06:51,912 - SORRY, I MEANT CAN YOU COMMENT ON 186 00:06:51,945 --> 00:06:55,516 NICK NEWPORT DYING EARLIER TODAY? 187 00:06:55,549 --> 00:06:58,586 - HE DIED? 188 00:06:58,619 --> 00:07:00,921 I... 189 00:07:00,954 --> 00:07:01,755 SAD. 190 00:07:01,789 --> 00:07:03,657 - IS THAT YOUR OFFICIAL STATEMENT? 191 00:07:03,691 --> 00:07:04,658 "I SAD"? 192 00:07:04,692 --> 00:07:08,529 - NO, MY OFFICIAL STATEMENT IS 193 00:07:08,562 --> 00:07:10,898 THAT IS OVERALL, 194 00:07:10,931 --> 00:07:11,899 A BUMMER. 195 00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:13,467 OOF. 196 00:07:13,501 --> 00:07:16,670 AND--AND TOGETHER WE CAN BUILD A BETTER PAWNEE. 197 00:07:16,704 --> 00:07:20,574 - * GET ON YOUR FEET - NO, THIS IS ISN'T THE TIME. 198 00:07:20,608 --> 00:07:22,843 NO, GUYS. - * GET UP AND MAKE IT HAPPEN 199 00:07:25,813 --> 00:07:27,515 - FRANKLY, HE'S A REAL JERK. 200 00:07:27,548 --> 00:07:30,217 - HARSH WORDS, BUT THIS REPORTER DOES LOVE THOSE T-SHIRT CANNONS. 201 00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:32,753 NOW, JEN, WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT ALL OF THIS? 202 00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:34,021 - THIS IS NOT A TIME FOR POLITICS. 203 00:07:34,054 --> 00:07:36,957 I AM CALLING ON LESLIE KNOPE TO CANCEL 204 00:07:36,990 --> 00:07:38,692 ALL OF HER CAMPAIGN EVENTS 205 00:07:38,726 --> 00:07:40,628 OUT OF RESPECT FOR THE NEWPORT FAMILY. 206 00:07:40,661 --> 00:07:43,030 ANYTHING ELSE WOULD BE A CLASSLESS MOVE, 207 00:07:43,063 --> 00:07:49,036 ON PAR WITH SPRAY-PAINTING NIPPLES ON THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL. 208 00:07:49,069 --> 00:07:50,704 - OKAY, EMERGENCY MEETING. 209 00:07:50,738 --> 00:07:52,806 I NEED EVERYONE TO GATHER AROUND ME 210 00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:54,241 IN ORDER OF HOW MUCH I TRUST THEM. 211 00:07:54,274 --> 00:07:56,243 [exhales] 212 00:07:56,276 --> 00:07:58,612 HERE'S THE SITUATION. A MAN HAS DIED. 213 00:07:58,646 --> 00:08:01,682 BUT THAT MAN IS 98 YEARS OLD, AND HE'S AN AWFUL MAN. 214 00:08:01,715 --> 00:08:02,983 HOWEVER, HE IS A MAN, AND HE DIED. 215 00:08:03,016 --> 00:08:05,052 - ALSO, YOU CALLED THE DEAD MAN A JERK. 216 00:08:05,085 --> 00:08:06,854 - HOWEVER, HE WA A JERK. 217 00:08:06,887 --> 00:08:08,255 HE PUT A LOT OF PEOPLE OUT OF WORK, 218 00:08:08,288 --> 00:08:10,057 HE HAD TONS OF MISTRESSES, 219 00:08:10,090 --> 00:08:11,859 HE POLLUTED THIS TOWN. 220 00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:13,527 OKAY, BEN, WHAT DO WE DO? 221 00:08:13,561 --> 00:08:15,729 - OKAY, IT'S UNFORTUNATE, BUT THE STAKES ARE TOO HIGH. 222 00:08:15,763 --> 00:08:19,032 WE CAN'T JUST STOP CAMPAIGNING. WE STOP, WE LOSE. 223 00:08:19,066 --> 00:08:20,968 [snaps fingers] - GOOD ANSWER, GREAT BODY. 224 00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:22,002 ANN, TRY TO BEAT WHAT HE SAID. 225 00:08:22,035 --> 00:08:23,604 - I'M NOT GOING TO BEAT HIM. 226 00:08:23,637 --> 00:08:24,972 - NOT WITH THAT ATTITUDE. 227 00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:26,574 - OKAY, FINE. I THINK YOU SHOULD STOP. 228 00:08:26,607 --> 00:08:28,075 AT LEAST UNTIL YOU APOLOGIZE TO BOBBY IN PERSON. 229 00:08:28,108 --> 00:08:29,810 - APRIL? 230 00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:31,945 - I WASN'T LISTENING, BUT I STRONGLY DISAGREE WITH ANN. 231 00:08:31,979 --> 00:08:32,813 - ANDY? 232 00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:36,283 - [stammering] IF THE--IF THE GUY--IF-- 233 00:08:36,316 --> 00:08:37,450 - OKAY. 234 00:08:37,484 --> 00:08:39,553 - I ABSOLUTELY THINK THAT WE SHOULD KEEP CAMPAIGNING. 235 00:08:39,587 --> 00:08:41,622 THE WORST POSSIBLE THING WE COULD DO WOULD BE TO STOP, 236 00:08:41,655 --> 00:08:44,024 'CAUSE IF THE CAMPAIGN STOPS, WE ALL STOP. 237 00:08:44,057 --> 00:08:46,026 AND STOPPING IS CERTAIN DEATH. WHO WANTS A PANINI? 238 00:08:46,059 --> 00:08:47,027 ANYONE? EVERYONE? 239 00:08:47,060 --> 00:08:48,061 I'M GOING TO SAY EVERYONE. 240 00:08:48,095 --> 00:08:49,897 - ALL RIGHT. [door closes] 241 00:08:49,930 --> 00:08:51,298 - ALL RIGHT, LESLIE, WHAT'S YOUR CALL? 242 00:08:51,331 --> 00:08:54,802 - ANN, THERE IS NOTHING HARDER IN THE ENTIRE WORLD 243 00:08:54,835 --> 00:08:56,637 THAN SAYING NO TO YOUR BEAUTIFUL FACE. 244 00:08:56,670 --> 00:08:57,771 BUT I'M GOING TO. 245 00:08:57,805 --> 00:08:59,306 NO! WE'RE GOING TO KEEP CAMPAIGNING. 246 00:08:59,339 --> 00:09:01,108 OKAY, BUT WE'RE GOING TO DO IT IN A CLASSY AND RESPECTFUL WAY 247 00:09:01,141 --> 00:09:02,042 TO GET ANN OFF OF OUR BACKS. 248 00:09:02,075 --> 00:09:03,777 WHAT'S NEXT ON THE "SCHEDGE?" 249 00:09:03,811 --> 00:09:05,813 - IF YOU LET NEWPORT HAVE THE VANS, 250 00:09:05,846 --> 00:09:07,314 THEY JUST SIT THERE IN A LOT. 251 00:09:07,347 --> 00:09:10,317 IF YOU LET US HAVE THE VANS, THEY DRIVE AROUND TOWN ALL DAY. 252 00:09:10,350 --> 00:09:13,120 FREE PUBLICITY. EVERYONE WILL SEE YOUR LOGO. 253 00:09:13,153 --> 00:09:16,924 WHICH IS YOU ALL PRESSED UP ON SOME CHICK WITH HUGE CANS. 254 00:09:16,957 --> 00:09:18,692 - YEAH. IT WAS A HELL OF A DAY. 255 00:09:18,726 --> 00:09:20,127 PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW ABOUT IT. 256 00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:22,095 AND I DON'T NEED FREE PUBLICITY. 257 00:09:22,129 --> 00:09:25,599 I CAN JUST PAY FOR IT. WITH MY $10,000. 258 00:09:25,633 --> 00:09:27,801 - LOOK, I AIN'T GONNA TRY TO PLAY A PLAYER. 259 00:09:27,835 --> 00:09:28,802 YOU'RE TRYING TO GET BEAUCOUP BUCKS 260 00:09:28,836 --> 00:09:29,803 JUST LIKE THE REST OF US. 261 00:09:29,837 --> 00:09:30,904 SO HOW ABOUT THIS? 262 00:09:30,938 --> 00:09:33,941 I HAVE A BUSINESS IDEA FOR A GOURMET ALCOHOLIC YOGURT. 263 00:09:33,974 --> 00:09:36,143 I CALL IT... YOGURT PLATINUM. 264 00:09:36,176 --> 00:09:37,678 I'LL LET YOU IN ON THE GROUND FLOOR. 265 00:09:37,711 --> 00:09:39,146 AND LET ME TELL YOU, IT'S GOING TO BE 266 00:09:39,179 --> 00:09:41,014 WORTH WAY MORE THAN 10 GRAND. 267 00:09:41,048 --> 00:09:42,883 - YEAH, BUT NOW THAT I KNOW YOUR BAD IDEA, 268 00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:46,820 I CAN START THE COMPANY MYSELF. WITH MY $10,000. 269 00:09:46,854 --> 00:09:48,889 - NO, YOU CAN'T DO THAT! RON! 270 00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:51,692 - TOM, DONNA, COULD YOU PLEASE GIVE US A MOMENT? 271 00:09:51,725 --> 00:09:54,094 I'D LIKE TO TALK TO BILL, MAN TO MAN. 272 00:09:54,127 --> 00:09:56,096 - HE'S GONNA STEAL YOGURT PLATINUM. 273 00:09:56,129 --> 00:09:57,397 - NO, I'M NOT. 274 00:09:57,430 --> 00:09:58,365 - "WE'RE ALL YOUR FRIENDS," SAID MR. BACON. 275 00:09:58,398 --> 00:10:01,368 "WELCOME HOME." THE END. 276 00:10:01,401 --> 00:10:04,104 AND THAT IS GROFFLE, THE AWFUL WAFFLE, 277 00:10:04,137 --> 00:10:06,039 A BOOK THAT I WROTE AND PUBLISHED 278 00:10:06,073 --> 00:10:08,408 ON BEHALF OF MY EDUCATION INITIATIVE. 279 00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:09,409 ANY QUESTIONS? 280 00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:10,811 YES? 281 00:10:10,844 --> 00:10:13,313 - HOW DID GROFFLE CROSS THE SYRUP RIVER? 282 00:10:13,346 --> 00:10:15,382 AND WHY DID YOU CALL MR. NEWPORT A JERK? 283 00:10:15,415 --> 00:10:19,887 - AH--WELL, I SHOULD NOT HAVE CALLED NICK NEWPORT A JERK, 284 00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:22,322 BECAUSE WE NEED TO BE RESPECTFUL OF ALL DEAD PEOPLE. 285 00:10:22,355 --> 00:10:25,893 I MEAN, NOT STALIN OR HITLER, BUT-- 286 00:10:25,926 --> 00:10:27,828 I'M NOT CALLING NICK NEWPORT HITLER. 287 00:10:27,861 --> 00:10:29,362 - MS. KNOPE, I HAVE A FOLLOW-UP 288 00:10:29,396 --> 00:10:31,965 TO WHAT I'M NOW DECIDING TO CALL "JERK-GATE." 289 00:10:31,999 --> 00:10:34,001 ARE THERE ANY OTHER DECEASED MEMBERS 290 00:10:34,034 --> 00:10:36,136 OF BOBBY NEWPORT'S FAMILY YOU'D LIKE TO ATTACK? 291 00:10:36,169 --> 00:10:37,871 - AND QUIT DUCKING THE WAFFLE QUESTION. 292 00:10:37,905 --> 00:10:39,840 DID GROFFLE USE A BOAT OF SOME KIND? 293 00:10:39,873 --> 00:10:40,941 - ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ALL THE QUESTIONS FOR NOW. 294 00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:42,075 THANK YOU, EVERYBODY. 295 00:10:42,109 --> 00:10:43,844 - ARE WE TO ASSUME THAT HE SWAM ACROSS THE SYRUP RIVER? 296 00:10:43,877 --> 00:10:44,845 - MS. KNOPE! 297 00:10:44,878 --> 00:10:46,013 - I'M NEVER GOING TO GET AWAY 298 00:10:46,046 --> 00:10:48,181 FROM THESE NICK NEWPORT QUESTIONS. 299 00:10:48,215 --> 00:10:50,317 - IT'S OBVIOUS WHAT YOU NEED TO DO. 300 00:10:50,350 --> 00:10:53,220 YOU HAVE TO APOLOGIZE TO BOBBY AND STOP CAMPAIGNING. 301 00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:55,355 - OKAY, FINE. 302 00:10:55,388 --> 00:10:58,091 WE GO TO BOBBY NEWPORT, YOU APOLOGIZE... 303 00:10:58,125 --> 00:10:59,326 - GOOD. 304 00:10:59,359 --> 00:11:00,994 - AND THEN WE LEAK THE DETAILS TO THE PRESS, 305 00:11:01,028 --> 00:11:03,463 WHICH RESTORES YOUR REPUTATION AND BUYS US ENOUGH TIME 306 00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:05,332 TO FINISH THE BUS TOUR. - NICE. 307 00:11:05,365 --> 00:11:07,134 - NO, THAT'S NOT A REAL APOLOGY. 308 00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:08,902 IT'S JUST SNEAKY. I DON'T LIKE IT. 309 00:11:08,936 --> 00:11:11,071 - ANN, FOR ONCE, THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU. 310 00:11:11,104 --> 00:11:13,907 A MAN IS DEAD. 311 00:11:13,941 --> 00:11:16,877 - LOOK, FRIEND, I RESPECT YOUR SLAVISH DEVOTION 312 00:11:16,910 --> 00:11:18,078 TO THE FREE MARKET, 313 00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:20,280 BUT YOU CAN'T WELCH ON A CONTRACT. 314 00:11:20,313 --> 00:11:21,248 - [chuckles] 315 00:11:21,281 --> 00:11:24,451 - WHERE I COME FROM, A MAN'S WORD IS SACRED. 316 00:11:24,484 --> 00:11:27,187 - OKAY, WHAT'S YOUR STANCE ON PINKY SWEARS, 317 00:11:27,220 --> 00:11:29,156 GEORGE WASHINGTON? 318 00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:30,891 I'M TAKING THE MONEY. 319 00:11:30,924 --> 00:11:34,027 - FINE. I'LL MATCH IT. 320 00:11:34,061 --> 00:11:36,163 I'LL GIVE YOU $10,000 FOR THE VANS. 321 00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:37,497 DEAL? 322 00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,399 - NO. PRICE HAS GONE UP. 323 00:11:39,432 --> 00:11:40,500 NOW IT'S $12,000. 324 00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:41,935 - WHAT? WHY? 325 00:11:41,969 --> 00:11:42,836 - LOOK, 326 00:11:42,870 --> 00:11:45,305 I OWN A FLEET OF 22 CRAPPY WHITE VANS, 327 00:11:45,338 --> 00:11:47,040 AND FOR SOME REASON THERE'S A MASSIVE BIDDING WAR 328 00:11:47,074 --> 00:11:48,241 GOING ON OVER THEM. 329 00:11:48,275 --> 00:11:52,045 NOW FOR A GUY WHOSE ONLY ASSETS ARE 22 CRAPPY WHITE VANS, 330 00:11:52,079 --> 00:11:53,513 IT'S PRETTY MUCH A DREAM SCENARIO, 331 00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:55,482 SO I'M JUST GOING TO RIDE THIS OUT, 332 00:11:55,515 --> 00:11:57,918 SEE WHERE IT TAKES ME. 333 00:11:57,951 --> 00:11:59,452 AND NOW IT'S 15,000. 334 00:11:59,486 --> 00:12:02,522 - OKAY, I TALKED NEWPORT'S PEOPLE INTO GIVING US 335 00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:04,424 TEN MINUTES ALONE WITH BOBBY, 336 00:12:04,457 --> 00:12:06,293 SO WE GET IN THERE, WE APOLOGIZE, 337 00:12:06,326 --> 00:12:07,961 AND THEN WE GET BACK ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL. 338 00:12:07,995 --> 00:12:09,462 - OKAY, HOW DO WE LEAK THIS TO THE PRESS? 339 00:12:09,496 --> 00:12:10,931 DO WE, LIKE, RELEASE A STATEMENT? 340 00:12:10,964 --> 00:12:11,965 DO WE CALL SOMEBODY? 341 00:12:11,999 --> 00:12:15,068 - UM, I DON'T THINK THAT'S GOING TO BE A PROBLEM. 342 00:12:15,102 --> 00:12:18,071 - OH, MY GOD, WHY ARE THERE SO MANY PEOPLE HERE? 343 00:12:18,105 --> 00:12:20,473 - IT'S A TRAP. IT'S A TRAP! 344 00:12:20,507 --> 00:12:21,975 WE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE. TURN AROUND! TURN AROUND! 345 00:12:22,009 --> 00:12:24,244 - THIS IS A TIME OF SOLEMNITY AND REMEMBRANCE. 346 00:12:24,277 --> 00:12:28,315 THIS IS NOT A TIME FOR POLITI-- 347 00:12:28,348 --> 00:12:30,951 [tires screech] OH, WOW. 348 00:12:30,984 --> 00:12:34,487 LESLIE KNOPE IS DRIVING HER CAMPAIGN BUS 349 00:12:34,521 --> 00:12:35,956 THROUGH A MEMORIAL SERVICE. 350 00:12:35,989 --> 00:12:37,324 - BACK IT UP! - BACK IT UP! 351 00:12:37,357 --> 00:12:38,959 - OKAY, BACK UP! - BACK IT UP! 352 00:12:38,992 --> 00:12:40,493 - JUST WHEN WE THOUGHT SHE COULDN'T STOOP ANY LOWER. 353 00:12:40,527 --> 00:12:42,429 [bus beeping] JUST--OH! 354 00:12:42,462 --> 00:12:43,496 [gasps] 355 00:12:43,530 --> 00:12:45,465 - OH! - AAH! 356 00:12:45,498 --> 00:12:47,067 - UH... - GO FORWARD! 357 00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:48,501 GO FORWARD! GO FORWARD! 358 00:12:48,535 --> 00:12:51,071 - I FEEL LIKE HE'S DYING ALL OVER AGAIN. 359 00:12:51,104 --> 00:12:53,040 - STOP IT! - AH! 360 00:12:53,073 --> 00:12:56,343 - OH. - OH, NO. 361 00:13:01,014 --> 00:13:02,149 [camera shutter clicks] 362 00:13:02,182 --> 00:13:06,186 - HI... SORRY, ARE WE LATE? 363 00:13:09,422 --> 00:13:12,059 - SO I--I HATE TO BRING THIS UP AGAIN, 364 00:13:12,092 --> 00:13:14,061 BUT I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT I'M GOING TO GET PAID. 365 00:13:14,094 --> 00:13:16,263 IT WAS A HANDSHAKE AGREEMENT WITH MR. NEWPORT. 366 00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:17,064 IT WAS FOR A LOT OF MONEY. 367 00:13:17,097 --> 00:13:19,099 ANYWAY, YOU CAN WIRE-TRANSFER IT. 368 00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:20,100 SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS. 369 00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:21,334 - I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TURNED THIS SITUATION 370 00:13:21,368 --> 00:13:23,403 INTO A POLITICAL SIDESHOW. 371 00:13:23,436 --> 00:13:24,404 - OH, COME ON, YOU GUYS WERE ONLY GOING 372 00:13:24,437 --> 00:13:26,106 TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE PRESS. 373 00:13:26,139 --> 00:13:28,375 - NO WAY, THAT'S NOT US. YOU DON'T KNOW US AT ALL. 374 00:13:28,408 --> 00:13:29,376 - IT'S RUDE TO SAY IT. 375 00:13:29,409 --> 00:13:30,510 - WE WOULDN'T EVEN THINK IT. 376 00:13:30,543 --> 00:13:32,245 - YEAH, THAT'S A RIDICULOUS CLAIM. 377 00:13:32,279 --> 00:13:36,116 - WE BROUGHT A "SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS" FRUIT BASKET 378 00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:37,050 FOR BOBBY. 379 00:13:37,084 --> 00:13:40,220 AND IT IS VERY CLASSY. NO MELON, NO APPLES. 380 00:13:40,253 --> 00:13:42,022 - YOU WERE GOING TO USE US, 381 00:13:42,055 --> 00:13:43,623 AND WE JUST TURNED THE TABLES ON YOU. 382 00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:45,258 'CAUSE I'M SMARTER AND FASTER. 383 00:13:45,292 --> 00:13:47,294 THAT IS NOT A JUDGMENT. THAT'S JUST A FACT. 384 00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:50,297 WE'RE BOTH JUST DOING WHATEVER IT TAKES TO WIN, RIGHT? 385 00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:51,564 [chuckles] 386 00:13:51,598 --> 00:13:53,566 I LOVE POLKA DOTS. IT'S SO CUTE. 387 00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:55,102 - [sighs] 388 00:13:55,135 --> 00:13:56,303 I'M SORRY, I SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING. 389 00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:58,371 AND WE SHOULD NOT HAVE DRIVEN HERE 390 00:13:58,405 --> 00:14:00,307 ON A BUS WITH YOUR FACE ON IT. 391 00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:01,108 - NO, IT'S MY FAULT. 392 00:14:01,141 --> 00:14:02,342 AND YOU KNOW WHAT? JEN IS RIGHT. 393 00:14:02,375 --> 00:14:03,376 I'M NO BETTER THAN HER. 394 00:14:03,410 --> 00:14:05,578 - NO, LESLIE, YES, YOU ARE. 395 00:14:05,612 --> 00:14:08,181 ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS STOP THE MACHINE FOR A SECOND 396 00:14:08,215 --> 00:14:10,217 AND GO APOLOGIZE TO BOBBY. 397 00:14:10,250 --> 00:14:12,385 ALONE WITHOUT CAMERAS. 398 00:14:12,419 --> 00:14:15,188 - THANKS, ANN, BUT WHERE WAS THAT ADVICE SIX HOURS AGO? 399 00:14:15,222 --> 00:14:16,456 - THAT'S NOT GOING TO WORK. 400 00:14:16,489 --> 00:14:18,258 - I HAD TO TRY. 401 00:14:18,291 --> 00:14:21,294 [pounding on piano keys] 402 00:14:22,295 --> 00:14:23,096 - APRIL. 403 00:14:23,130 --> 00:14:25,332 I JUST GOT CHAMPION HIS DOG FOOD, 404 00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:27,200 CLEANED YOUR HOUSE, FILED THAT PAPERWORK-- 405 00:14:27,234 --> 00:14:29,302 YOU'RE OFFICIALLY APRIL LUDGATE DWYER, 406 00:14:29,336 --> 00:14:31,371 INSTALLED A SMOKE DETECTOR, AND NOW I'M BACK. 407 00:14:31,404 --> 00:14:32,472 WHAT'S NEXT? 408 00:14:32,505 --> 00:14:33,440 - NOTHING, CHRIS. 409 00:14:33,473 --> 00:14:36,243 JUST SIT DOWN SOMEWHERE AND STOP BOTHERING ME. 410 00:14:36,276 --> 00:14:37,277 - [laughs] I CAN'T. 411 00:14:37,310 --> 00:14:40,180 I'VE HAD A VERY TOUGH YEAR. 412 00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:44,084 I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT ANN AND MILLICENT. 413 00:14:44,117 --> 00:14:45,452 AND IF I'M ALONE WITH MY THOUGHTS, 414 00:14:45,485 --> 00:14:47,354 I GO TO A DARK PLACE. 415 00:14:47,387 --> 00:14:49,556 - OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, DARK PLACES ARE AWESOME. 416 00:14:49,589 --> 00:14:53,226 SECONDLY, ANN IS KIND OF LAME, SO WAY TO DODGE A BULLET. 417 00:14:53,260 --> 00:14:56,263 AND MILLICENT IS JERRY'S DAUGHTER, SO TWO BULLETS. 418 00:14:56,296 --> 00:15:01,101 AND YOU'RE NOT ALONE. YOU'VE GOT...LOTS OF FRIENDS. 419 00:15:01,134 --> 00:15:03,236 SOMEWHERE. 420 00:15:03,270 --> 00:15:05,205 I ASSUME. 421 00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:07,307 YOU'RE GOING TO BE JUST FINE. 422 00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:10,710 - THANK YOU. YOU'RE RIGHT. 423 00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:13,113 I'LL BE FINE. 424 00:15:13,146 --> 00:15:14,948 I'M NOT FINE. IT DIDN'T WORK. 425 00:15:20,220 --> 00:15:21,254 [pins crashing down] 426 00:15:21,288 --> 00:15:22,555 - HEY, BOBBY. 427 00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:25,392 - OH, HI. 428 00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:26,659 WANT TO PLAY BOWLING? 429 00:15:26,693 --> 00:15:29,362 - WHY DON'T YOU PLAY WITH THE REAL ONE? 430 00:15:30,397 --> 00:15:33,333 - OH. I LIKE THIS ONE BETTER. 431 00:15:33,366 --> 00:15:35,735 THE LITTLE GUY LOOKS LIKE ME. SEE? 432 00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:37,470 - I'M, UH-- 433 00:15:37,504 --> 00:15:41,408 LOOK, I JUST WANTED TO SAY I'M REALLY SORRY YOUR DAD DIED, 434 00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:44,144 AND I'M REALLY, REALLY SORRY I CALLED HIM A JERK. 435 00:15:44,177 --> 00:15:46,279 - THAT'S OKAY. 436 00:15:46,313 --> 00:15:49,249 HE WAS, LIKE, A MILLION YEARS OLD. 437 00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:51,384 AND HE WAS KIND OF A JERK. 438 00:15:51,418 --> 00:15:54,421 THE ONLY REASON I DID THIS CAMPAIGN WAS TO IMPRESS HIM, 439 00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:56,623 AND HE COULDN'T HAVE CARED LESS. 440 00:15:58,425 --> 00:16:01,194 - YOU KNOW, MY MOM WAS A GREAT ATHLETE WHEN SHE WAS A KID. 441 00:16:01,228 --> 00:16:04,431 SO IN JUNIOR HIGH, I JOINED THE TRACK TEAM 442 00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:07,567 TO IMPRESS HER, EVEN THOUGH I HATED IT. 443 00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:09,302 AND AT THE END OF THE YEAR, 444 00:16:09,336 --> 00:16:13,340 I RAN THE 5,000 METERS IN THIS HUGE TRACK EVENT. 445 00:16:13,373 --> 00:16:17,410 AND I FINISHED DEAD LAST. 446 00:16:17,444 --> 00:16:20,313 AND I THOUGHT THAT SHE WAS GOING TO BE REALLY DISAPPOINTED IN ME. 447 00:16:20,347 --> 00:16:21,481 BUT SHE WASN'T. 448 00:16:21,514 --> 00:16:25,318 SHE RAN UP TO ME, AND SHE WRAPPED ME UP IN THIS BIG HUG, 449 00:16:25,352 --> 00:16:28,655 AND SHE TOLD ME SHE HAD NEVER BEEN MORE PROUD OF ME. 450 00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:32,492 - THANKS, LESLIE. THAT'S A GREAT STORY. 451 00:16:32,525 --> 00:16:36,563 I'M NOT 100% SURE I GET THE POINT, BUT-- 452 00:16:36,596 --> 00:16:38,665 - YOU FINISHED THIS RACE, BOBBY. 453 00:16:38,698 --> 00:16:41,568 THE CAMPAIGN IS OVER, AND YOU FINISHED. 454 00:16:41,601 --> 00:16:43,703 WIN OR LOSE, 455 00:16:43,736 --> 00:16:49,276 I BET YOU ANYTHING THAT YOUR DAD WAS PROUD OF YOU. 456 00:16:49,309 --> 00:16:50,443 - NOW I GET IT. 457 00:16:50,477 --> 00:16:51,311 - THERE YOU GO. 458 00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:55,382 - YOUR MOM AND MY DAD ARE BOTH DICKS. 459 00:16:55,415 --> 00:16:57,517 - THERE'S NO VANS WITHIN 50 MILES, 460 00:16:57,550 --> 00:17:00,353 AND, FOR SOME REASON, 461 00:17:00,387 --> 00:17:01,421 NO ONE WANTS TO LEND ME $10,000. 462 00:17:01,454 --> 00:17:03,356 - EVEN IF WE HAD THE DOUGH, 463 00:17:03,390 --> 00:17:06,359 THAT BUNCO ARTIST WOULD JUST DEMAND MORE, TRUST ME. 464 00:17:06,393 --> 00:17:07,460 [honks horn] 465 00:17:07,494 --> 00:17:09,462 - DON'T MOVE. LET'S JUST STAY HERE. 466 00:17:09,496 --> 00:17:11,264 FOR LIKE AN HOUR, AND NOT LET HIM OUT. 467 00:17:11,298 --> 00:17:13,500 - THIS ISN'T RIGHT. OUR GIRL'S WORKED HARD. 468 00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:15,302 WE'RE SO CLOSE. 469 00:17:15,335 --> 00:17:17,237 [crash] 470 00:17:17,270 --> 00:17:19,539 - I KNOW HE DIDN'T JUST HIT MY BABY! 471 00:17:19,572 --> 00:17:21,441 - HEY! WHAT THE HELL, GUYS? 472 00:17:21,474 --> 00:17:22,675 MOVE! 473 00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:23,843 - ALL RIGHT. 474 00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:26,613 Y'ALL GOT YOUR SEAT BELTS ON? 475 00:17:26,646 --> 00:17:28,515 [revs engine] - OH! 476 00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:30,383 [tires screeching] 477 00:17:30,417 --> 00:17:31,318 - DID YOU SEE THAT? 478 00:17:31,351 --> 00:17:34,387 THAT SON OF A BITCH JUST REAR-ENDED ME. 479 00:17:34,421 --> 00:17:35,622 - AM I DEAD? 480 00:17:35,655 --> 00:17:36,623 - WHAT THE HELL? 481 00:17:36,656 --> 00:17:40,427 - EXACTLY, BILL. WHAT THE HELL? 482 00:17:40,460 --> 00:17:41,494 YOU JUST REAR-ENDED ME. 483 00:17:41,528 --> 00:17:42,762 - THAT IS NOT WHAT HAPPENED. 484 00:17:42,795 --> 00:17:44,664 - BUT I GOT WITNESSES. - YEAH. 485 00:17:44,697 --> 00:17:46,699 IT WENT DOWN EXACTLY THE WAY MY GIRL SAID IT DID, 486 00:17:46,733 --> 00:17:48,401 YOU MEAN, BALD MAN. 487 00:17:48,435 --> 00:17:52,272 - HEY, WHAT ABOUT YOU, MR. "A MAN'S WORD IS SACRED"? 488 00:17:52,305 --> 00:17:55,442 - WELL, IT IS, BUT YOU'RE AN ASS[bleep]. 489 00:17:55,475 --> 00:17:56,543 - SO WE CAN SETTLE THIS NOW. 490 00:17:56,576 --> 00:18:00,513 I WILL ACCEPT PAYMENT IN VAN RENTALS. 491 00:18:00,547 --> 00:18:02,415 - GAH! 492 00:18:02,449 --> 00:18:03,883 - ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO TO THE VIDEO AGAIN. 493 00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:07,420 SWEET KICK, LESLIE EXITS THE BUILDING, 494 00:18:07,454 --> 00:18:08,888 AND THEN YOU GET HIT. 495 00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:13,426 [laughs] 496 00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:14,527 WHAT ELSE DO WE KNOW? 497 00:18:14,561 --> 00:18:18,565 WE KNOW THAT LESLIE WAS ABOUT 15 FEET IN FRONT OF YOU, 498 00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:21,401 SO CLEARLY THE ASSAILANT HAS TERRIBLE AIM. 499 00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:22,402 - MM-HMM. 500 00:18:22,435 --> 00:18:25,672 - OR... 501 00:18:25,705 --> 00:18:27,507 LESLIE WASN'T THE TARGET. 502 00:18:27,540 --> 00:18:31,478 - WELL, WHO THEN? 503 00:18:31,511 --> 00:18:33,313 OKAY, THAT'S PERMANENT MARKER. 504 00:18:33,346 --> 00:18:34,781 - GO FIND BEN, 505 00:18:34,814 --> 00:18:36,583 GET A LIST OF EVERYONE HE'S EVER FIRED. 506 00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:38,785 GO, GO! 507 00:18:38,818 --> 00:18:42,689 MACKLIN, YOU SON OF A BITCH. 508 00:18:43,756 --> 00:18:45,425 - A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE BEEN ASKING ME 509 00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:47,494 HOW I FEEL ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT'S HAPPENED TODAY. 510 00:18:47,527 --> 00:18:49,396 WELL, LET ME TELL YOU A LITTLE STORY. 511 00:18:49,429 --> 00:18:52,632 MY DAD WAS THIS AMAZING ATHLETE WHEN HE WAS A KID. 512 00:18:52,665 --> 00:18:56,336 WHEN I WAS IN JUNIOR HIGH, I STARTED DOING TRACK 513 00:18:56,369 --> 00:18:57,604 JUST TO IMPRESS HIM... - [scoffs] 514 00:18:57,637 --> 00:18:58,705 - EVEN THOUGH I HATED IT. 515 00:18:58,738 --> 00:19:02,675 AT THE END OF THE YEAR, I ENTERED THE 5,000 METERS. 516 00:19:02,709 --> 00:19:06,546 AND I WON. IT WAS AWESOME. 517 00:19:06,579 --> 00:19:10,883 MY DAD WRAPPED ME IN A BIG HUG, SAID HE WAS PROUD OF ME. 518 00:19:10,917 --> 00:19:13,753 THAT'S JUST A GREAT STORY THAT HAPPENED BETWEEN ME AND MY DAD 519 00:19:13,786 --> 00:19:14,754 AND NOBODY ELSE. 520 00:19:14,787 --> 00:19:15,888 - OH, WE'RE DEAD. 521 00:19:15,922 --> 00:19:17,690 IT'S OVER. - THAT'S MY STORY. 522 00:19:17,724 --> 00:19:20,627 - BEFORE I GO, I WANT TO BRING UP A SPECIAL GUEST. 523 00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:23,630 SOMEBODY WHO'S BEEN VERY SUPPORTIVE AND MEGA COOL TODAY. 524 00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:25,832 LESLIE KNOPE. WILL YOU COME UP HERE? 525 00:19:25,865 --> 00:19:27,900 - WHAT? - COME ON, COME UP HERE. 526 00:19:27,934 --> 00:19:29,602 - GO, GO, GO, GO, GO. - DO-- 527 00:19:29,636 --> 00:19:31,804 - YOU KNOW, LESLIE'S BEEN GETTING A LOT OF HEAT TODAY, 528 00:19:31,838 --> 00:19:34,807 BUT I WANT YOU ALL TO KNOW THAT WE TALKED PERSON-TO-PERSON, 529 00:19:34,841 --> 00:19:36,576 AND SHE'S REALLY GREAT. 530 00:19:36,609 --> 00:19:39,512 PEOPLE SHOULD STOP BEING SO MEAN TO HER. 531 00:19:39,546 --> 00:19:41,781 IN FACT, IF YOU DON'T VOTE FOR ME TOMORROW, 532 00:19:41,814 --> 00:19:43,550 YOU SHOULD VOTE FOR HER, 533 00:19:43,583 --> 00:19:46,586 BECAUSE SHE'S SUPER, SUPER AWESOME LADY. 534 00:19:46,619 --> 00:19:49,589 LESLIE, WE DID IT! YEAH! 535 00:19:49,622 --> 00:19:50,857 [applause] 536 00:19:50,890 --> 00:19:53,560 - MAYBE WE'RE NOT DEAD. 537 00:19:53,593 --> 00:19:55,962 - CHRIS, RIGHT? 538 00:19:55,995 --> 00:19:57,730 HI, I'M JEN. 539 00:19:57,764 --> 00:19:59,466 - HELLO. 540 00:19:59,499 --> 00:20:01,601 - YOU KNOW, THERE ARE 30 BEDROOMS IN THIS HOUSE. 541 00:20:01,634 --> 00:20:04,671 BOBBY'S IN ONE, THERE'S A DEAD GUY IN ANOTHER, 542 00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:06,539 THE REST ARE FREE. 543 00:20:06,573 --> 00:20:08,741 WHAT DO YOU SAY? 544 00:20:08,775 --> 00:20:12,512 - OH! THAT IS VERY FLATTERING. 545 00:20:12,545 --> 00:20:15,682 BUT YOU'RE THE OPPOSITION CAMPAIGN MANAGER. 546 00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:17,584 I--I COULDN'T DO THAT TO LESLIE. 547 00:20:17,617 --> 00:20:18,951 - OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE, CHRIS. 548 00:20:18,985 --> 00:20:21,954 THIS CAMPAIGN IS OVER. MY JOB IS DONE AND SO IS YOURS. 549 00:20:21,988 --> 00:20:24,957 IT'S JUST SEX. 550 00:20:24,991 --> 00:20:27,460 I'M VERY GOOD AT IT. 551 00:20:27,494 --> 00:20:28,461 - OKAY. - GREAT! 552 00:20:28,495 --> 00:20:29,562 - [giggles] - LET'S DO IT. 553 00:20:29,596 --> 00:20:30,930 HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY, HONEY. 554 00:20:36,469 --> 00:20:39,439 - SEWAGE JOE. 555 00:20:39,472 --> 00:20:41,474 BEN WYATT FIRED YOU FOR SENDING PICTURES 556 00:20:41,508 --> 00:20:42,309 OF YOUR PENIS TO EVERYONE, 557 00:20:42,342 --> 00:20:44,444 AND YOU'VE COME HERE TO "PIE" HIM. 558 00:20:44,477 --> 00:20:45,678 - LITTLE TWERP HAS IT COMING. 559 00:20:45,712 --> 00:20:46,813 - [laughs] OH, DUDE, I DARE YOU. 560 00:20:46,846 --> 00:20:49,015 PLEASE. 561 00:20:49,048 --> 00:20:51,451 GIVE ME ONE REASON TO TAKE YOU DOWN. 562 00:20:51,484 --> 00:20:53,853 I WOULD LOVE NOTHING MORE-- 563 00:20:53,886 --> 00:20:55,988 OH, [bleep]. BEN, SORRY. 564 00:20:56,022 --> 00:20:57,657 [handcuffs click] 565 00:20:57,690 --> 00:20:59,058 OH, I DID IT! 566 00:20:59,091 --> 00:21:02,762 - YEAH. GREAT JOB.