1 00:00:01,369 --> 00:00:02,770 - OKAY, EVERYBODY, LATEST POLL IS 2 00:00:02,803 --> 00:00:05,406 NEWPORT, 40%, LESLIE, 32%, 3 00:00:05,439 --> 00:00:07,141 WITH EVERYONE ELSE WAY BACK. 4 00:00:07,175 --> 00:00:10,144 NOW THIS DEBATE IS OUR BEST CHANCE TO CLOSE THAT GAP. 5 00:00:10,178 --> 00:00:13,181 CHRIS, ANN, AND TOM, YOU GUYS WILL BE TALKING TO REPORTERS, 6 00:00:13,214 --> 00:00:14,515 PROVIDING FACTS, GENERAL SPIN. 7 00:00:14,548 --> 00:00:16,384 - SPIN TEAM! - SPIN TEAM! 8 00:00:16,417 --> 00:00:18,786 - THIS IS THE BEST POSSIBLE JOB FOR ME. 9 00:00:18,819 --> 00:00:21,422 I CAN LITERALLY MAKE ANYTHING SOUND POSITIVE. 10 00:00:21,455 --> 00:00:22,756 - YOUR HOUSE JUST BURNED DOWN, 11 00:00:22,790 --> 00:00:24,325 AND YOU LOST ALL YOUR MONEY IN THE STOCK MARKET. 12 00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:25,493 - IT'S A CHANCE TO START OVER. 13 00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:27,295 FIRE IS CLEANSING, AND TRUE WEALTH 14 00:00:27,328 --> 00:00:28,762 IS MEASURED BY THE AMOUNT OF LOVE IN YOUR LIFE. 15 00:00:28,796 --> 00:00:34,068 IF I HAD TO HAVE ANYBODY TELL ME THAT I HAD CANCER, 16 00:00:34,102 --> 00:00:35,236 I WOULD WANT IT TO BE ME. 17 00:00:35,269 --> 00:00:36,804 - RON, APRIL, AND ANDY, YOU'LL BE THROWING 18 00:00:36,837 --> 00:00:38,339 A PARTY FOR OUR BIGGEST DONORS. 19 00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:40,108 - [British accent] OOH, I CAN'T BELIEVE OUR HOUSE 20 00:00:40,141 --> 00:00:42,076 IS GOING TO BE FULL OF RICH PEOPLE 21 00:00:42,110 --> 00:00:44,545 NAMED DOTTIE AND TODD AND RICK. 22 00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:46,380 - IS THE MENU ALL SET? 23 00:00:46,414 --> 00:00:49,417 - YES, I WILL BE PROVIDING SEVERAL SLABS 24 00:00:49,450 --> 00:00:51,285 OF MY WORLD-FAMOUS SWANSON RIBS. 25 00:00:51,319 --> 00:00:54,522 - AND I WILL BE PROVIDING MY WORLD-FAMOUS $100 LAP DANCES. 26 00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:55,523 - SWEET! - NO. 27 00:00:55,556 --> 00:00:56,790 - OKAY. 28 00:00:56,824 --> 00:00:58,226 THE ELECTION IS IN TWO WEEKS. 29 00:00:58,259 --> 00:01:00,561 THE DEBATE IS IN NINE HOURS. 30 00:01:00,594 --> 00:01:01,562 LET'S GET TO WORK. 31 00:01:01,595 --> 00:01:04,365 [cheering] 32 00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:07,335 [triumphant music] 33 00:01:07,368 --> 00:01:15,376 * 34 00:01:24,352 --> 00:01:26,320 - WOW. 35 00:01:26,354 --> 00:01:28,389 CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE DOING THIS HERE. 36 00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:30,891 SEATS, LIKE, 800 PEOPLE. 37 00:01:30,924 --> 00:01:32,126 - WELL, THAT'S WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOUR OPPONENT'S 38 00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:33,794 THE MOST FAMOUS PERSON IN TOWN. 39 00:01:33,827 --> 00:01:36,330 - THIS IS A LOT BIGGER THAN MY HIGH SCHOOL DEBATE AUDITORIUM. 40 00:01:36,364 --> 00:01:38,432 - 4 FEET. 41 00:01:38,466 --> 00:01:40,268 EXACT SAME SIZE AS THE PODIUM YOU USE 42 00:01:40,301 --> 00:01:41,335 IN THE PARKS DEPARTMENT. 43 00:01:41,369 --> 00:01:42,470 OPENING STATEMENT. 44 00:01:42,503 --> 00:01:43,871 - I AM LESLIE KNOPE. 45 00:01:43,904 --> 00:01:45,506 I LOVE THIS TOWN, 46 00:01:45,539 --> 00:01:47,375 AND I'VE WORKED MY WHOLE LIFE TO MAKE IT GREAT. 47 00:01:47,408 --> 00:01:48,842 I BELIEVE THAT I'VE EARNED YOUR VOTE. 48 00:01:48,876 --> 00:01:50,344 BOBBY NEWPORT BELIEVES HE CAN BUY IT. 49 00:01:50,378 --> 00:01:51,912 - YOU GOT THIS. - I GOT THIS. 50 00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:53,314 - YOU COULD DEBATE NEWPORT IN YOUR SLEEP. 51 00:01:53,347 --> 00:01:54,415 - I HAVE. 52 00:01:54,448 --> 00:01:55,783 - I KNOW. WE SLEEP IN THE SAME BED. 53 00:01:55,816 --> 00:01:56,917 IT'S BEEN HELL. 54 00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:58,152 - I FINALLY GET A CHANCE TO STAND 55 00:01:58,186 --> 00:02:01,422 IN FRONT OF EVERYONE AND TALK ABOUT THE TOWN THAT I LOVE. 56 00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:03,424 WHAT IF THE TOWN LOVES BOBBY MORE THAN ME? 57 00:02:03,457 --> 00:02:05,526 - THERE'S NO WAY. YOU'RE GOING TO DESTROY HIM. 58 00:02:05,559 --> 00:02:07,328 - I'M GOING TO WIPE THE FLOOR WITH HIS FACE. 59 00:02:07,361 --> 00:02:09,397 - YOU'RE GOING TO RIP OUT HIS SPINE WITH YOUR TEETH 60 00:02:09,430 --> 00:02:11,932 AND THEN CHEW IT UP AND GARGLE WITH IT. 61 00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:14,435 - [giggles] I LOVE IT WHEN YOU'RE NEEDLESSLY DISGUSTING. 62 00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:16,437 - I'M TRYING TO CLEAN UP FOR THE PARTY, 63 00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:19,407 BUT I SWEAR TO GOD, MY ARMS CAN'T MOVE THAT WAY. 64 00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:20,841 - LEAVE IT MESSY. IT DOESN'T MATTER. 65 00:02:20,874 --> 00:02:24,445 NOTHING MATTERS. LIFE IS GARBAGE. 66 00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:26,180 - WHAT HAPPENED? 67 00:02:26,214 --> 00:02:28,416 - ANN BROKE UP WITH ME. FOR REALS THIS TIME. 68 00:02:28,449 --> 00:02:30,884 AND ALL I DID WAS CALL INTO THIS RADIO STATION 69 00:02:30,918 --> 00:02:32,386 AND GIVE HER A SWEET LITTLE SHOUT-OUT. 70 00:02:32,420 --> 00:02:33,487 [over radio] SO WE'RE UP IN THE CLUB. 71 00:02:33,521 --> 00:02:34,522 IT'S ME! [over radio] WE'RE DANCING. 72 00:02:34,555 --> 00:02:36,424 WE'RE SWEATING. 73 00:02:36,457 --> 00:02:38,392 LET'S JUST SAY WE GOT TO SECOND THAT NIGHT. 74 00:02:38,426 --> 00:02:39,827 - ME SO HORNY. 75 00:02:39,860 --> 00:02:42,296 - [over radio] THIS CHICK'S NAME IS ANN PERKINS. 76 00:02:42,330 --> 00:02:44,365 LOOK HER UP ON THE GOVERNMENT WEBSITE. 77 00:02:44,398 --> 00:02:46,267 SHE IS CRAZY HOT. ISN'T THAT GREAT? 78 00:02:46,300 --> 00:02:48,402 COME HERE. AAH! 79 00:02:48,436 --> 00:02:50,204 I COMPLIMENTED YOU. 80 00:02:50,238 --> 00:02:53,407 I GUESS SHE'S JUST AFRAID OF HOW POWERFUL HER FEELINGS ARE. 81 00:02:53,441 --> 00:02:55,209 - DUDE, THAT'S NOT WHY SHE BROKE UP WITH YOU. 82 00:02:55,243 --> 00:02:56,844 YOU HAVE TO STOP YOUR STUPID SWAGGER 83 00:02:56,877 --> 00:03:00,314 AND JUST TELL HER IN A NORMAL VOICE THAT YOU CARE ABOUT HER. 84 00:03:00,348 --> 00:03:02,350 - WHAT DO YOU KNOW? YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT THINGS. 85 00:03:02,383 --> 00:03:04,318 - YES, I DO, I CARE ABOUT... 86 00:03:04,352 --> 00:03:07,621 ANDY... AND CHAMPION. 87 00:03:07,655 --> 00:03:10,424 AND I WANT LESLIE TO WIN, AND I LIKE SLEEPING. 88 00:03:10,458 --> 00:03:12,326 SO EVERYBODY HAS THINGS THEY CARE ABOUT. 89 00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:14,362 IF ANN IS YOURS, YOU NEED TO TELL HER. 90 00:03:14,395 --> 00:03:15,929 - [sighs] 91 00:03:15,963 --> 00:03:18,232 [indistinct chatter] 92 00:03:18,266 --> 00:03:20,301 - OKAY, CHRIS, HYPOTHETICAL CRISIS. 93 00:03:20,334 --> 00:03:21,935 LESLIE JUST TRIED TO ANSWER A QUESTION 94 00:03:21,969 --> 00:03:25,306 AND AUDIBLY FARTED THEN THREW UP. SPIN. 95 00:03:25,339 --> 00:03:28,008 - LESLIE KNOPE IS LITERALLY OVERFLOWING 96 00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:29,610 WITH IDEAS FOR THIS TOWN. 97 00:03:29,643 --> 00:03:31,912 AND SPEAKING OF METHANE, HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT HER PLAN 98 00:03:31,945 --> 00:03:33,447 TO LIMIT GREENHOUSE GAS EMISSIONS? 99 00:03:33,481 --> 00:03:34,615 - WOW. - NICE. 100 00:03:34,648 --> 00:03:36,317 - SPIN TEAM! - SPIN TEAM! 101 00:03:36,350 --> 00:03:38,018 - ANN AND I MAKE SUCH A GREAT TEAM. 102 00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:40,454 IT'S SILLY THAT WE'RE NOT A TEAM IN REAL LIFE. 103 00:03:40,488 --> 00:03:41,589 I JUST HEARD THOSE WORDS COME OUT OF MY MOUTH, 104 00:03:41,622 --> 00:03:43,023 AND I HAVE MADE A DECISION. 105 00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:46,960 I'VE HEARD THAT YOU AND TOM HAVERFORD 106 00:03:46,994 --> 00:03:48,396 ARE NO LONGER ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED. 107 00:03:48,429 --> 00:03:49,397 IS THAT TRUE? 108 00:03:49,430 --> 00:03:51,432 - YES, WE BROKE UP. 109 00:03:51,465 --> 00:03:53,967 AND I HONESTLY CAN'T BELIEVE WE EVER DATED. 110 00:03:54,001 --> 00:03:56,370 - DOES DEFY LOGIC. 111 00:03:56,404 --> 00:03:59,039 OKAY, I STILL HAVE FEELINGS FOR YOU. 112 00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:00,408 STRONG FEELINGS. 113 00:04:00,441 --> 00:04:03,377 EMOTIONAL, PRIMAL FEELINGS. 114 00:04:03,411 --> 00:04:06,380 AND I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE OUR RELATIONSHIP ANOTHER TRY. 115 00:04:06,414 --> 00:04:11,452 - CHRIS, WE DATED FOR, LIKE, THREE MONTHS A YEAR AGO. 116 00:04:11,485 --> 00:04:12,986 I HONESTLY THINK THAT YOU'VE BUILT THIS 117 00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:15,423 INTO SOMETHING THAT IT WASN'T. 118 00:04:15,456 --> 00:04:17,358 AND ACCORDING TO YOUR RULE, 119 00:04:17,391 --> 00:04:18,826 WE CAN'T DATE BECAUSE YOU'RE MY BOSS. 120 00:04:18,859 --> 00:04:20,294 - MAYBE NOT FOR LONG. 121 00:04:20,328 --> 00:04:22,496 IF NEWPORT WINS, THE CITY COUNCIL MAY REPLACE ME. 122 00:04:22,530 --> 00:04:27,468 BUT IT WOULD OPEN IT UP FOR US TO BE TOGETHER. 123 00:04:27,501 --> 00:04:29,837 WOULD YOU LIKE THAT? 124 00:04:29,870 --> 00:04:31,972 DON'T ANSWER. JUST THINK ABOUT IT. 125 00:04:32,005 --> 00:04:35,008 COME ON. LET'S SPIN. 126 00:04:37,978 --> 00:04:39,480 - SO YOU DO A LOT OF INVESTING? 127 00:04:39,513 --> 00:04:41,315 - WE LIKE TO DABBLE. - MM-HMM. 128 00:04:41,349 --> 00:04:42,215 - I RECENTLY INVESTED 129 00:04:42,249 --> 00:04:45,319 IN SOME SHIRTS I GOT AT A GARAGE SALE. 130 00:04:45,353 --> 00:04:47,421 LEFT THOSE AT WENDY'S ON THE WAY HOME. 131 00:04:47,455 --> 00:04:49,089 [fake laughs] SO... 132 00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:50,824 THE ECONOMY. 133 00:04:50,858 --> 00:04:53,627 [fake laughter] 134 00:04:53,661 --> 00:04:54,962 - HELLO. 135 00:04:54,995 --> 00:04:56,430 YOU ARE HERE 136 00:04:56,464 --> 00:04:58,432 BECAUSE YOU GAVE US MONEY. 137 00:04:58,466 --> 00:05:01,101 NOW WE WILL GIVE YOU RIBS. 138 00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:02,169 ALSO YOU WILL WATCH THE DEBATE. 139 00:05:02,202 --> 00:05:05,639 IF YOU LIKE THE DEBATE, YOU'LL GIVE US MORE MONEY. 140 00:05:05,673 --> 00:05:09,009 THAT IS ALL. RON SWANSON. 141 00:05:12,413 --> 00:05:15,449 - UH-OH. SOMEBODY FORGOT TO PAY THE CABLE BILL. 142 00:05:15,483 --> 00:05:18,051 [laughs] AM I RIGHT? 143 00:05:18,085 --> 00:05:19,052 IT WAS ME. 144 00:05:19,086 --> 00:05:21,355 - DO IT. 145 00:05:21,389 --> 00:05:22,390 FIERCE. POWER. 146 00:05:22,423 --> 00:05:23,991 PUMP IT UP. 2012. 147 00:05:24,024 --> 00:05:25,058 [Sarah McLachlan's I Will Remember You] 148 00:05:25,092 --> 00:05:27,027 NOTHING GETS ME MORE AMPED THAN SARAH MCLACHLAN. 149 00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:28,629 - OPENING STATEMENT. 150 00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:30,531 - I AM LESLIE KNOPE. I LOVE THIS TOWN. 151 00:05:30,564 --> 00:05:31,999 I'VE WORKED MY WHOLE LIFE TO MAKE IT GREAT. 152 00:05:32,032 --> 00:05:33,401 I BELIEVE I'VE EARNED YOUR VOTE. 153 00:05:33,434 --> 00:05:35,369 BOBBY NEWPORT BELIEVES HE CAN BUY IT. 154 00:05:35,403 --> 00:05:37,137 I HAVE THE BEST CAMPAIGN MANAGER IN THE WORLD. 155 00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:39,440 - I WOULDN'T SAY THAT. JEN'S A KILLER. 156 00:05:39,473 --> 00:05:41,642 YOU CAN BEAT NEWPORT. I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN BEAT HER. 157 00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:44,044 - HERE'S WHAT I KNOW. 158 00:05:44,077 --> 00:05:45,145 I LOVE YOU, AND I LIKE YOU. 159 00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:48,482 - I LOVE YOU, AND I LIKE YOU. 160 00:05:49,417 --> 00:05:53,487 - * AND THE HOME OF THE 161 00:05:53,521 --> 00:05:59,527 * BRAVE 162 00:06:02,463 --> 00:06:04,498 [cheers and applause] 163 00:06:04,532 --> 00:06:07,601 - YOUR BOY LOOKS A LITTLE LOST OUT THERE. 164 00:06:07,635 --> 00:06:08,602 - OH, HE'LL BE FINE. 165 00:06:08,636 --> 00:06:10,504 EXPECTATIONS ARE CRAZY LOW. 166 00:06:10,538 --> 00:06:12,039 IF HE PUTS TWO SENTENCES TOGETHER 167 00:06:12,072 --> 00:06:13,240 WITHOUT CRYING, THE PRESS IS GOING TO SAY 168 00:06:13,273 --> 00:06:15,643 HE'S DOING SURPRISINGLY WELL, AND IF HE FALLS TO PIECES, 169 00:06:15,676 --> 00:06:17,110 HE'S GOING TO LOOK SYMPATHETIC. IT'S A WIN-WIN. 170 00:06:17,144 --> 00:06:20,047 SO DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG THIS IS GOING TO TAKE? 171 00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:21,882 - GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE, AND WELCOME TO THE EVENT 172 00:06:21,915 --> 00:06:25,619 WE ARE DOING TONIGHT, WHICH IS A CITY COUNCIL CANDIDATE DEBATE 173 00:06:25,653 --> 00:06:28,856 THAT WE'RE GOING TO START NOW. I'M PERD HAPLEY. 174 00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:32,926 - AND I AM LEGENDARY NEWSWOMAN JOAN CALLAMEZZO, NEWLY SINGLE. 175 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:35,162 IT'S TIME FOR OPENING STATEMENTS. 176 00:06:35,195 --> 00:06:36,930 - I AM FESTER TRIM. 177 00:06:36,964 --> 00:06:39,833 MANY OF YOU KNOW ME AS THE MAN WHO SELLS YOU YOUR GUNS 178 00:06:39,867 --> 00:06:42,102 AT THE GUN-BELIEVABLE GUN EMPORIUM. 179 00:06:42,135 --> 00:06:44,071 - WHOO! 180 00:06:44,104 --> 00:06:46,440 - I WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT MY IDEA 181 00:06:46,474 --> 00:06:49,543 FOR ASSAULT RIFLE VENDING MACHINES. 182 00:06:49,577 --> 00:06:52,179 - YOU MIGHT BE THINKING, "WHAT DOES AN ADULT FILM STAR 183 00:06:52,212 --> 00:06:53,981 KNOW ABOUT POLITICS?" 184 00:06:54,014 --> 00:06:56,049 WELL, I'VE PRODUCED AND STARRED IN 185 00:06:56,083 --> 00:06:58,452 OVER 400 ADULT FILMS THIS YEAR ALONE. 186 00:06:58,486 --> 00:06:59,987 - WHOO! - THANK YOU. 187 00:07:00,020 --> 00:07:01,922 AND JUST LIKE LESLIE, I KNOW 188 00:07:01,955 --> 00:07:05,459 WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE THE ONLY WOMAN IN A ROOM FULL OF MEN. 189 00:07:05,493 --> 00:07:06,460 - I AM MANRICO DELLA ROSSA. 190 00:07:06,494 --> 00:07:09,663 I BELIEVE ANIMALS ARE AS IMPORTANT AS PEOPLE. 191 00:07:09,697 --> 00:07:12,199 AND IF ELECTED, I WILL FIGHT FOR THEM 192 00:07:12,232 --> 00:07:14,001 AS IF THEY ARE MY OWN CHILDREN. 193 00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:15,469 - I AM LESLIE KNOPE. 194 00:07:15,503 --> 00:07:17,137 I LOVE THIS TOWN, 195 00:07:17,170 --> 00:07:19,507 AND I'VE WORKED MY WHOLE LIFE TO MAKE IT GREAT. 196 00:07:19,540 --> 00:07:21,942 I BELIEVE THAT I'VE EARNED YOUR VOTE. 197 00:07:21,975 --> 00:07:24,878 BOBBY NEWPORT BELIEVES HE CAN BUY IT. 198 00:07:24,912 --> 00:07:26,980 AND MAYBE THAT'S BECAUSE HE'S NEVER EARNED ANYTHING 199 00:07:27,014 --> 00:07:29,917 HIS ENTIRE LIFE. 200 00:07:29,950 --> 00:07:32,252 - THAT--THAT HURT MY FEELINGS. HURT MY FEELINGS. 201 00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:34,121 YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THIS POSITIVE PERSON. 202 00:07:34,154 --> 00:07:35,989 CAN'T WE JUST TALK ABOUT THINGS WE LIKE? 203 00:07:36,023 --> 00:07:37,625 [applause] 204 00:07:37,658 --> 00:07:39,192 - WELL SAID. 205 00:07:39,226 --> 00:07:41,261 UH, JUST A REMINDER TO OUR CANDIDATES 206 00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:43,497 TO KEEP IT CIVIL. 207 00:07:43,531 --> 00:07:44,565 LOOKING AT YOU, LESLIE. 208 00:07:44,598 --> 00:07:46,266 - AH, THAT'S OKAY, JOAN. 209 00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:48,502 I'M OKAY. I'M JUST-- - [mouths words] 210 00:07:48,536 --> 00:07:50,604 - I'M NERVOUS, MAN. I'M NERVOUS. GAH. 211 00:07:50,638 --> 00:07:53,073 I GUESS I WANT TO DO A GOOD JOB 212 00:07:53,106 --> 00:07:56,276 BECAUSE, UM, I LIKE IT WHEN PEOPLE THINK I DO A GOOD JOB. 213 00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:59,513 AND I WANT YOUR VOTE BECAUSE I WANT PAWNEE AND MY DAD 214 00:07:59,547 --> 00:08:01,682 TO SEE WHAT I'M MADE OF. 215 00:08:01,715 --> 00:08:04,284 SO LET'S DO THIS. 216 00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:06,587 [cheers and applause] 217 00:08:06,620 --> 00:08:07,921 THE WRECKING CREW. 218 00:08:07,955 --> 00:08:09,256 WHO LET YOU GUYS IN? 219 00:08:09,289 --> 00:08:10,591 HEY, JASON. 220 00:08:10,624 --> 00:08:13,561 [applause] 221 00:08:13,594 --> 00:08:16,163 - EASE BACK. 222 00:08:18,098 --> 00:08:19,567 - THIS QUESTION ABOUT PUBLIC SAFETY 223 00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:21,935 COMES FROM TWITTER BECAUSE APPARENTLY, 224 00:08:21,969 --> 00:08:23,604 THAT'S SOMETHING THAT HAPPENS NOW. 225 00:08:23,637 --> 00:08:28,576 @MUNCHMEAT2015 ASKS, "PAWNEE USED 2 'B' SAFE. 226 00:08:28,609 --> 00:08:30,878 "SOME1 STOLE MY CAR. 227 00:08:30,911 --> 00:08:32,980 "WHAT WILL 'U' DO 228 00:08:33,013 --> 00:08:34,081 "2 MAKE PAWNEE SAFE 229 00:08:34,114 --> 00:08:35,549 & CAN 'U' HELP ME FIND MY CAR?" 230 00:08:35,583 --> 00:08:37,651 - I CAN ASSURE YOU, 231 00:08:37,685 --> 00:08:40,988 IF YOU HAD A GUN MOUNTED ON THE DASHBOARD, 232 00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:44,625 WHICH AUTOMATICALLY SHOT PEOPLE TRYING TO BREAK INTO IT, 233 00:08:44,658 --> 00:08:46,627 YOU WOULD STILL HAVE YOUR CAR. [light applause] 234 00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:49,296 - YOU KNOW, I GUESS I WOULD LIKE TO TELL MR. MUNCHMEAT 235 00:08:49,329 --> 00:08:51,231 THAT I THINK THAT STINKS THAT HAPPENED TO HIM. 236 00:08:51,264 --> 00:08:53,000 YOU KNOW, ONE TIME A GUY STOLE 237 00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:54,635 SOME DOWNHILL SKIS OUT OF MY JEEP. 238 00:08:54,668 --> 00:08:58,005 AND I WAS SO MAD, I PUNCHED A MAILBOX. 239 00:08:58,038 --> 00:09:01,274 I'M AGAINST CRIME, AND I'M NOT ASHAMED TO ADMIT IT. 240 00:09:01,308 --> 00:09:05,613 [applause] 241 00:09:05,646 --> 00:09:07,615 - I CAN'T GET THROUGH TO THE CABLE COMPANY. 242 00:09:07,648 --> 00:09:09,282 CAN YOU DO SOMETHING? 243 00:09:09,316 --> 00:09:11,685 - LIKE WHAT? - ANYTHING. 244 00:09:11,719 --> 00:09:14,154 ANDY'S JUST ACTING OUT SCENES FROM HIS FAVORITE MOVIES. 245 00:09:14,187 --> 00:09:15,623 - [imitates motorcycle engine] 246 00:09:15,656 --> 00:09:17,625 SO SWAYZE RUNS, BOOM! 247 00:09:17,658 --> 00:09:19,993 TACKLES THE GUY OFF THE MOTORCYCLE. 248 00:09:20,027 --> 00:09:21,261 DUDE'S LIKE, "YOU'RE DEAD, BRO!" COMES AT HIM. 249 00:09:21,294 --> 00:09:23,631 SWAYZE DUCKS, SCISSOR KICK. SHA! 250 00:09:23,664 --> 00:09:25,098 THE GUY HAS SWAYZE'S HEAD. 251 00:09:25,132 --> 00:09:27,367 AND HE SAYS, "I USED TO [bleep] GUYS LIKE YOU IN PRISON." 252 00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:28,902 BY THE LOOKS OF THIS GUY, 253 00:09:28,936 --> 00:09:30,971 THIS IS NOT CONSENSUAL SEX WE'RE TALKING ABOUT. 254 00:09:31,004 --> 00:09:32,239 WE SEE BAD GUY 255 00:09:32,272 --> 00:09:34,307 HAD A GUN THE WHOLE TIME. 256 00:09:34,341 --> 00:09:37,044 HE'S LIKE, "I'MA KILL YOU THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY." 257 00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:39,279 SWAYZE'S LIKE, "NOT THIS TIME." 258 00:09:39,312 --> 00:09:40,380 THAT'S SUBTEXT. HE DOESN'T SAY THAT. 259 00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:43,016 BYPASSES THE GUN, HOOKS THE ARM. 260 00:09:43,050 --> 00:09:44,384 BACK TO THE SECRET MOVE HE USED BEFORE 261 00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:46,153 TO KILL SOMEBODY, HE FEELS SO BAD ABOUT IT. 262 00:09:46,186 --> 00:09:48,121 BUT THIS TIME HE HAS TO DO IT BECAUSE IT'S SELF-DEFENSE. 263 00:09:48,155 --> 00:09:49,923 K-K-K-KAH! 264 00:09:49,957 --> 00:09:52,960 TAKES THE ESOPHAGUS OUT OF THE NECK AREA. 265 00:09:52,993 --> 00:09:54,628 YOU CAN'T EAT. YOU'LL STARVE TO DEATH. 266 00:09:54,662 --> 00:09:57,064 AND THAT IS ROAD HOUSE. 267 00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:58,632 WHAT SHOULD I DO NEXT? 268 00:09:58,666 --> 00:09:59,933 - LESLIE KNOPE. 269 00:09:59,967 --> 00:10:02,035 THIS QUESTION IS ABOUT PAWNEE'S PARK SYSTEM. 270 00:10:02,069 --> 00:10:06,306 WHY IS RAMSETT PARK SO FILTHY AND AWFUL? 271 00:10:06,339 --> 00:10:09,943 - IT'S DIFFICULT TO GET INTO THE COMPLICATED PROBLEMS 272 00:10:09,977 --> 00:10:11,144 WITH RAMSETT PARK IN SUCH A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME. 273 00:10:11,178 --> 00:10:13,313 - YOU HAVE 20 SECONDS. - OH, MY GOD, OKAY. 274 00:10:13,346 --> 00:10:16,416 I WILL SAY THAT THE PARKS IN PAWNEE-- 275 00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:19,419 - I DO HAVE AN UPDATE ON YOUR TIME ALLOTMENT, 276 00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:22,389 AND THAT UPDATE IS THAT YOUR TIME IS ALMOST GONE. 277 00:10:22,422 --> 00:10:24,024 - I HAVE NO MORE TIME LEFT? 278 00:10:24,057 --> 00:10:26,393 - WELL, YOU HAD SOME TIME WHEN I STARTED TALKING, 279 00:10:26,426 --> 00:10:28,395 BUT BY THE TIME I FINISHED, YOUR TIME WAS UP. 280 00:10:28,428 --> 00:10:29,262 THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 281 00:10:29,296 --> 00:10:31,298 - SHE'S OFF HER GAME. - SHE'S FINE. 282 00:10:31,331 --> 00:10:33,033 - MR. NEWPORT, REBUTTAL. 283 00:10:33,066 --> 00:10:35,402 - I KNOW THIS. IF SOMETHING IS DIRTY, WE SHOULD CLEAN IT UP. 284 00:10:35,435 --> 00:10:36,436 LET'S START THERE. [applause] 285 00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:40,440 RIGHT? 286 00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:43,310 YOU KNOW WHAT, I HAD THIS CLEANING LADY NAMED YOLANDA 287 00:10:43,343 --> 00:10:44,678 WHO WAS VERY WISE. 288 00:10:44,712 --> 00:10:46,379 SHE BASICALLY RAISED ME. 289 00:10:46,413 --> 00:10:49,182 AND ONE DAY SHE SAID, "LITTLE BOBBY, 290 00:10:49,216 --> 00:10:51,218 I'M NOT GOING TO CLEAN YOUR ROOM NO MAS." 291 00:10:51,251 --> 00:10:53,887 AND FROM THAT DAY ON, MY ROOM WAS GROSS. 292 00:10:53,921 --> 00:10:55,022 REALLY BUMMED ME OUT. 293 00:10:55,055 --> 00:10:57,057 I THINK WE SHOULD MAKE OUR PARKS 294 00:10:57,090 --> 00:10:58,125 LOOK LIKE MY ROOM 295 00:10:58,158 --> 00:11:00,060 AFTER YOLANDA FINALLY, YOU KNOW, 296 00:11:00,093 --> 00:11:01,428 GAVE IN AND CLEANED IT UP FOR ME. 297 00:11:01,461 --> 00:11:03,363 - IF I MAY, JOAN. 298 00:11:03,396 --> 00:11:04,431 THAT'S A VERY SWEET STORY, BOBBY, 299 00:11:04,464 --> 00:11:06,333 BUT NOT ALL OF US HAVE YOLANDAS 300 00:11:06,366 --> 00:11:07,935 WHO CAN CLEAN UP OUR ROOM FOR US. 301 00:11:07,968 --> 00:11:09,369 SOME OF US BELIEVE 302 00:11:09,402 --> 00:11:11,071 THAT YOU NEED TO ROLL UP YOUR SLEEVES 303 00:11:11,104 --> 00:11:12,906 AND DO THE HARD WORK YOURSELF. 304 00:11:12,940 --> 00:11:14,274 [applause] 305 00:11:14,307 --> 00:11:16,376 - I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY THAT, LIKE LESLIE, 306 00:11:16,409 --> 00:11:18,278 I DON'T HAVE PEOPLE DO MY WORK FOR ME. 307 00:11:18,311 --> 00:11:20,714 LESLIE AND I DO OUR WORK OURSELVES. 308 00:11:20,748 --> 00:11:22,482 MY WORK, OF COURSE, IS HAVING SEX 309 00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:25,452 WITH MEN AND WOMEN ON CAMERA. 310 00:11:25,485 --> 00:11:30,457 - ONCE AGAIN, BRANDI AND LESLIE ARE ESSENTIALLY THE SAME PERSON. 311 00:11:30,490 --> 00:11:33,426 - BUT BOBBY NEWPORT IS SUPER HANDSOME AND CHARMING, 312 00:11:33,460 --> 00:11:36,396 SO THAT MEANS PEOPLE WILL PROBABLY VOTE FOR HIM 313 00:11:36,429 --> 00:11:39,099 BECAUSE THERE'S NO JUSTICE IN THE WORLD. 314 00:11:39,132 --> 00:11:41,334 - HOW DO YOU RESPOND TO NEWPORT'S CLAIM 315 00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:42,936 THAT THE CITY PARKS NEED TO BE CLEANED UP? 316 00:11:42,970 --> 00:11:45,238 - LESLIE KNOPE WORKS TIRELESSLY EVERY DAY, 317 00:11:45,272 --> 00:11:47,975 SO OUR PARKS CAN BE THE BEST THEY CAN BE. 318 00:11:48,008 --> 00:11:50,343 - 78% OF PAWNEEANS LABEL OUR PARKS "PRISTINE." 319 00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:52,445 - AND WE ALL KNOW THE BETTER-LOOKING A PARK IS, 320 00:11:52,479 --> 00:11:55,048 THE MORE ATTENTION IT WILL GET FROM LADY PARKS 321 00:11:55,082 --> 00:11:57,484 WHO WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH IT. 322 00:11:57,517 --> 00:11:58,485 - EXCUSE US. 323 00:11:58,518 --> 00:12:00,253 WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? 324 00:12:00,287 --> 00:12:02,022 WE'RE FIGHTING FOR OUR LIVES OUT THERE. 325 00:12:02,055 --> 00:12:03,490 - OH, I DON'T KNOW. 326 00:12:03,523 --> 00:12:05,192 MAYBE THE FACT THAT WE JUST BROKE UP, 327 00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:06,459 AND YOU'RE ALREADY RIDING THE TRAEGER TRAIN. 328 00:12:06,493 --> 00:12:08,295 - WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 329 00:12:08,328 --> 00:12:10,397 - I SAW YOU GUYS GETTING BACK TOGETHER. WHAT ABOUT US? 330 00:12:10,430 --> 00:12:12,065 - WHAT ABOUT US, TOM? 331 00:12:12,099 --> 00:12:13,200 WE'RE NOT TOGETHER ANYMORE 332 00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:14,534 BECAUSE YOU KEEP ACTING LIKE AN ASS. 333 00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:16,236 - I'M SORRY. 334 00:12:16,269 --> 00:12:19,039 I JUST ACT THAT WAY SOMETIMES... 335 00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:21,341 BECAUSE I'M NERVOUS, AND... 336 00:12:21,374 --> 00:12:23,176 I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE OUT OF MY LEAGUE. 337 00:12:23,210 --> 00:12:26,046 BUT I'D DO ANYTHING TO GET BACK TOGETHER WITH YOU. 338 00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:27,447 PLEASE. 339 00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:29,416 VOTE FOR ME TO BE YOUR BOYFRIEND. 340 00:12:29,449 --> 00:12:30,317 - [sighs] 341 00:12:30,350 --> 00:12:33,286 - BEN, HE'S WINNING. HOW IS HE WINNING? 342 00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:34,454 EVERYTHING HE'S SAYING IS NONSENSE, 343 00:12:34,487 --> 00:12:35,422 AND HE'S FOOLING THEM. 344 00:12:35,455 --> 00:12:36,456 - OKAY, YOU'RE DOING FINE. 345 00:12:36,489 --> 00:12:38,258 - I NEED TO GO BACK ON THE ATTACK. 346 00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:39,960 - NO! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. SEE, OKAY. 347 00:12:39,993 --> 00:12:41,494 WHEN YOU ATTACKED, YOU KIND OF CAME OFF LIKE A BULLY, 348 00:12:41,528 --> 00:12:43,396 AND HE LOOKED SYMPATHETIC, SO, YOU KNOW, 349 00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:45,298 Y-YOU DID A REALLY GOOD JOB OF EASING OFF. 350 00:12:45,332 --> 00:12:48,435 - LESLIE, THIS IS FUN, ISN'T IT? - YEAH. 351 00:12:48,468 --> 00:12:50,403 - WELL, THERE'S NO REASON ON EARTH THAT I CAN THINK OF 352 00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:52,372 THAT WE SHOULDN'T HAVE CONCUSSION GRENADES 353 00:12:52,405 --> 00:12:54,474 IN OUR NATION'S MOVIE THEATERS. 354 00:12:54,507 --> 00:12:56,343 - BY THE YEAR 2013, WE WILL HAVE 355 00:12:56,376 --> 00:12:58,445 A FULLY FUNCTIONAL MALL ON JUPITER. 356 00:12:58,478 --> 00:13:01,381 - SURE, I AGREE THAT MOVIES SHOULD BE MORE FAITHFUL 357 00:13:01,414 --> 00:13:02,950 TO THE BOOKS THAT THEY ARE BASED ON, 358 00:13:02,983 --> 00:13:04,317 BUT WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH THIS ELECTION? 359 00:13:04,351 --> 00:13:06,186 - ALL MY MOVIES ARE BASED ON BOOKS. 360 00:13:06,219 --> 00:13:09,422 - AND ANYONE WHO EVEN RUBS THEIR HANDS 361 00:13:09,456 --> 00:13:11,391 ON A LEATHER JACKET 362 00:13:11,424 --> 00:13:13,460 SHOULD BE TRIED FOR MURDER. 363 00:13:13,493 --> 00:13:16,496 - I'M AN AMERICAN. MY FATHER IS AN AMERICAN. 364 00:13:16,529 --> 00:13:19,499 MY MOTHER IS AN AMERICAN. 365 00:13:19,532 --> 00:13:21,468 MY GODFATHER IS THE VICEROY 366 00:13:21,501 --> 00:13:23,336 OF THE PRINCIPALITY OF LIECHTENSTEIN. 367 00:13:23,370 --> 00:13:27,274 - ONCE AGAIN, PEOPLE, GRENADE LAUNCHER. 368 00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:29,209 - DANIEL CRAIG. 369 00:13:29,242 --> 00:13:32,479 NO... TIMOTHY DALTON. 370 00:13:32,512 --> 00:13:35,315 - I WAS IN FAVOR OF CLOSING THE BORDERS BOOKSTORE, 371 00:13:35,348 --> 00:13:37,017 NOT THE BORDER TO MEXICO. 372 00:13:37,050 --> 00:13:39,452 - I GUESS MY THOUGHTS ON ABORTION ARE... 373 00:13:39,486 --> 00:13:41,388 YOU KNOW, LET'S JUST ALL HAVE A GOOD TIME. 374 00:13:41,421 --> 00:13:44,357 - I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT ISSUE. JUST ASK SOMEONE ELSE. 375 00:13:44,391 --> 00:13:45,926 - FOR THE RECORD, I'D APPEAR IN A FILM 376 00:13:45,959 --> 00:13:48,495 WITH ANY OF MY FELLOW CANDIDATES. 377 00:13:51,298 --> 00:13:53,200 - ANTEATERS. - KILL SHOT. 378 00:13:53,233 --> 00:13:54,968 - MONEY SHOT. - FUDGSICLES. 379 00:13:55,002 --> 00:13:56,937 - LET'S SPEND OUR MONEY ON WHAT MATTERS. 380 00:13:56,970 --> 00:13:58,538 POLICE, FIRE, 381 00:13:58,571 --> 00:14:00,373 PARKS, AND SCHOOLS. 382 00:14:00,407 --> 00:14:02,342 [cheers and applause] 383 00:14:02,375 --> 00:14:05,278 - AFTER A ROUGH START, YOUR GIRL'S DOING OKAY. 384 00:14:05,312 --> 00:14:08,048 - UM, I THINK SHE'S DOING A LITTLE BETTER THAN OKAY. 385 00:14:08,081 --> 00:14:09,416 OR DID YOU MISS THE APPLAUSE 386 00:14:09,449 --> 00:14:11,284 SHE GOT ON THE RACCOON SAFETY QUESTION? 387 00:14:11,318 --> 00:14:12,385 - OH, THAT WAS GREAT. 388 00:14:12,419 --> 00:14:15,322 THAT PROBABLY PULLED HER EVEN WITH BOBBY. [yawns] 389 00:14:15,355 --> 00:14:17,157 - I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE SO CASUAL ABOUT THIS. 390 00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:18,391 DON'T YOU EVEN WANT TO WIN THE DEBATE? 391 00:14:18,425 --> 00:14:20,493 - OH, WE'RE GONNA WIN THE DEBATE. 392 00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:21,228 GOT AN ACE IN THE HOLE. 393 00:14:21,261 --> 00:14:24,264 LITTLE SURPRISEY-WISEY. - WHAT? 394 00:14:24,297 --> 00:14:26,199 - OH, YOU'LL SEE. HEY, QUICK QUESTION. 395 00:14:26,233 --> 00:14:28,068 DOES THAT GUY CHRIS TRAEGER HAVE A GIRLFRIEND, 396 00:14:28,101 --> 00:14:29,102 AND IS HIS PENIS NORMAL? 397 00:14:29,136 --> 00:14:30,370 - STOP TALKING. 398 00:14:30,403 --> 00:14:34,407 - YOU GUYS, UH, KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT A GUY NAMED JOHN RAMBO? 399 00:14:34,441 --> 00:14:38,211 OPEN ON VILLAGERS BEING THROWN OUT INTO A RICE FIELD. 400 00:14:38,245 --> 00:14:39,512 LAND MINES BLOWING THEM UP INTO PIECES. 401 00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:41,514 - AFTER I STEAL THIS CABLE FEED, 402 00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:44,517 I WILL REPAY THE CABLE COMPANY FOR THE SERVICE WE USED. 403 00:14:44,551 --> 00:14:46,153 [knuckles crack] 404 00:14:50,991 --> 00:14:52,459 - THIS LAST QUESTION BEFORE THE BREAK 405 00:14:52,492 --> 00:14:54,427 IS FOR MR. NEWPORT. 406 00:14:54,461 --> 00:14:58,165 UH, SOME--NOT ME--HAVE CRITICIZED YOUR INVOLVEMENT 407 00:14:58,198 --> 00:15:00,467 WITH YOUR FATHER'S CANDY COMPANY SWEETUMS. 408 00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:02,970 WOULD YOUR AFFILIATION WITH BIG BUSINESS 409 00:15:03,003 --> 00:15:05,205 AFFECT YOUR DECISIONS AS A CITY COUNCILOR? 410 00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:07,474 - I WANT TO RUN THIS TOWN LIKE A BUSINESS. 411 00:15:07,507 --> 00:15:09,509 MY OPPONENT, LESLIE KNOPE, 412 00:15:09,542 --> 00:15:12,479 HAS A VERY ANTI-BUSINESS AGENDA. 413 00:15:12,512 --> 00:15:15,382 RECENTLY, MY DAD TOLD ME THAT IF LESLIE KNOPE 414 00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:16,950 WINS THE ELECTION, 415 00:15:16,984 --> 00:15:19,086 THEY'LL PROBABLY HAVE TO MOVE SWEETUMS TO MEXICO. 416 00:15:19,119 --> 00:15:20,954 [audience murmuring] 417 00:15:20,988 --> 00:15:23,290 THAT WOULD BE TERRIBLE, OF COURSE. 418 00:15:23,323 --> 00:15:24,958 THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE IN THIS TOWN 419 00:15:24,992 --> 00:15:27,460 WOULD LOSE THEIR JOBS, AND WE ALL WOULDN'T HAVE CANDY. 420 00:15:27,494 --> 00:15:30,230 NOW, I'M NOT SAYING THAT IS GONNA HAPPEN, 421 00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:31,431 BUT I DO KNOW THIS. 422 00:15:31,464 --> 00:15:34,201 IF I WIN... 423 00:15:34,234 --> 00:15:36,203 I BET I COULD GET THEM TO STAY. 424 00:15:36,236 --> 00:15:38,405 [applause] 425 00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:40,107 - WOW. SHOCKING STUFF. 426 00:15:40,140 --> 00:15:42,375 WE'RE GONNA BE BACK WITH OUR CLOSING STATEMENTS 427 00:15:42,409 --> 00:15:44,477 RIGHT AFTER A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR, SWEETUMS, 428 00:15:44,511 --> 00:15:51,084 PAWNEE'S BIGGEST SUPPLIER OF CANDY AND JOBS. 429 00:15:51,118 --> 00:15:52,085 - SO SWEETUMS IS GONNA MOVE TO MEXICO 430 00:15:52,119 --> 00:15:53,253 IF BOBBY DOESN'T WIN? 431 00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:54,287 HOW COULD THEY DO THAT TO THIS TOWN? 432 00:15:54,321 --> 00:15:57,090 WHAT A CRAPPY STUNT TO PULL. - ONE MINUTE BACK. 433 00:15:57,124 --> 00:15:58,525 - WHAT DO WE DO? I THINK WE ATTACK HIM. 434 00:15:58,558 --> 00:16:00,293 HE'S MORE CONFIDENT NOW. I HAVE TO ATTACK HIM. 435 00:16:00,327 --> 00:16:02,329 - AND SAY WHAT? WE DIDN'T PLAN FOR THIS. 436 00:16:02,362 --> 00:16:03,763 WHAT WOULD YOU EVEN SAY? - I DON'T KNOW. 437 00:16:03,796 --> 00:16:04,764 I'LL FIGURE OUT AS I'M SAYING IT. 438 00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:07,300 JUST LET ME ATTACK HIM. I WANT TO ATTACK HIM. 439 00:16:07,334 --> 00:16:09,069 - NO, NO, NO, NO. IT'S TOO RISKY. 440 00:16:09,102 --> 00:16:10,403 JUST GO WITH THE CLOSING STATEMENT WE REHEARSED. 441 00:16:10,437 --> 00:16:12,505 ADD A LINE AT THE END ABOUT HOW YOU'RE PRO BUSINESS, 442 00:16:12,539 --> 00:16:16,509 AND WE'LL DEAL WITH THE FALLOUT TOMORROW, OKAY? 443 00:16:16,543 --> 00:16:18,578 WHAT? WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? 444 00:16:18,611 --> 00:16:22,249 - I CAN DO IT. I CAN CRUSH HIM. 445 00:16:22,282 --> 00:16:23,783 I PROMISE. 446 00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:26,519 - [exhales] 447 00:16:26,553 --> 00:16:28,221 AH, SCREW IT. GO GET HIM. 448 00:16:28,255 --> 00:16:32,092 - REALLY? - KICK HIS ASS. 449 00:16:32,125 --> 00:16:37,497 - * I AM LINEMAN FOR THE COUNTY * 450 00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:41,768 * AND THE WICHITA LINEMAN 451 00:16:41,801 --> 00:16:45,272 [siren passing in distance] 452 00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:53,146 * IS STILL THE LINE 453 00:16:53,180 --> 00:16:55,148 - THE FINAL THING THESE CANDIDATES WILL SAY 454 00:16:55,182 --> 00:16:57,084 ARE THEIR CLOSING STATEMENTS. 455 00:16:57,117 --> 00:16:59,786 WE WILL BEGIN WITH OUR FIRST CANDIDATE TO GO, BOBBY NEWPORT. 456 00:16:59,819 --> 00:17:03,256 - HOW DO WE FIX THIS TOWN? I HAVE NO IDEA. 457 00:17:03,290 --> 00:17:04,557 YOU TELL ME. 458 00:17:04,591 --> 00:17:07,060 THAT'S WHAT I'M COUNTING ON. YOU TELLING ME. 459 00:17:07,094 --> 00:17:10,130 - AND THAT'S HOW IT ENDS. 460 00:17:10,163 --> 00:17:13,200 I LOVED IT. IT'S CALLED BABE. 461 00:17:13,233 --> 00:17:15,768 AND I KNOW IT SOUNDS CORNY. TALKING PIG. WHATEVER. 462 00:17:15,802 --> 00:17:17,770 YOU SHOULD ALL SEE IT. 463 00:17:17,804 --> 00:17:20,773 - [sniffles] I FEEL LIKE I JUST DID. 464 00:17:20,807 --> 00:17:22,109 - IT'S ON. 465 00:17:22,142 --> 00:17:24,411 - AND, LESLIE KNOPE, CLOSING STATEMENT? 466 00:17:24,444 --> 00:17:27,280 - [exhales] 467 00:17:27,314 --> 00:17:29,782 I'M VERY ANGRY. 468 00:17:29,816 --> 00:17:33,386 I'M ANGRY THAT BOBBY NEWPORT 469 00:17:33,420 --> 00:17:35,322 WOULD HOLD THIS TOWN HOSTAGE 470 00:17:35,355 --> 00:17:37,224 AND THREATEN TO LEAVE 471 00:17:37,257 --> 00:17:39,292 IF YOU DON'T GIVE HIM WHAT HE WANTS. 472 00:17:39,326 --> 00:17:41,428 IT'S DESPICABLE. 473 00:17:41,461 --> 00:17:45,332 CORPORATIONS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DICTATE WHAT A CITY NEEDS. 474 00:17:45,365 --> 00:17:47,500 THAT POWER BELONGS TO THE PEOPLE. 475 00:17:47,534 --> 00:17:50,803 BOBBY NEWPORT AND HIS DADDY WOULD LIKE YOU TO THINK 476 00:17:50,837 --> 00:17:53,173 IT BELONGS TO THEM. 477 00:17:53,206 --> 00:17:54,507 I LOVE THIS TOWN. 478 00:17:54,541 --> 00:17:57,877 AND WHEN YOU LOVE SOMETHING, YOU DON'T THREATEN IT. 479 00:17:57,910 --> 00:18:01,848 YOU DON'T PUNISH IT. YOU FIGHT FOR IT. 480 00:18:01,881 --> 00:18:05,218 YOU TAKE CARE OF IT. YOU PUT IT FIRST. 481 00:18:05,252 --> 00:18:07,254 AS YOUR CITY COUNCILOR, 482 00:18:07,287 --> 00:18:11,224 I WILL MAKE SURE THAT NO ONE TAKES ADVANTAGE OF PAWNEE. 483 00:18:11,258 --> 00:18:15,262 IF I SEEM TOO PASSIONATE, IT'S BECAUSE I CARE. 484 00:18:15,295 --> 00:18:19,599 IF I COME ON STRONG, IT'S BECAUSE I FEEL STRONGLY. 485 00:18:19,632 --> 00:18:21,801 AND IF PUSH TOO HARD, 486 00:18:21,834 --> 00:18:24,471 IT'S BECAUSE THINGS AREN'T MOVING FAST ENOUGH. 487 00:18:24,504 --> 00:18:28,375 THIS IS MY HOME. YOU ARE MY FAMILY. 488 00:18:28,408 --> 00:18:31,544 AND I PROMISE YOU... 489 00:18:31,578 --> 00:18:33,846 I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE. 490 00:18:35,848 --> 00:18:37,850 - HOLY [bleep], LESLIE, THAT WAS AWESOME. 491 00:18:37,884 --> 00:18:42,155 [cheers and applause] 492 00:18:42,189 --> 00:18:45,091 - THANKS, BOBBY. 493 00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:52,532 - YEAH! PLAY IT. WOO-HOO! 494 00:18:52,565 --> 00:18:54,834 KNOPE 2012! 495 00:18:54,867 --> 00:18:57,270 HYAH! HYAH! 496 00:18:57,304 --> 00:18:59,806 [rock music playing] 497 00:18:59,839 --> 00:19:01,274 RON! 498 00:19:01,308 --> 00:19:03,476 - WHAT THE VOTERS SAW TONIGHT 499 00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:05,212 IS AN UNDENIABLE FACT. 500 00:19:05,245 --> 00:19:07,247 THAT ONE OF THESE CANDIDATES IS RIGHT FOR THIS TOWN, 501 00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:10,283 AND ONE OF THEM IS NOT. THANKS, GUYS. 502 00:19:10,317 --> 00:19:11,851 ANN PERKINS! UH-OH. 503 00:19:11,884 --> 00:19:14,254 - I'M SORRY, CHRIS. 504 00:19:14,287 --> 00:19:16,256 IT'S VERY FLATTERING. I JUST-- 505 00:19:16,289 --> 00:19:19,192 I JUST DON'T THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA. 506 00:19:19,226 --> 00:19:20,827 - IT WAS WORTH A SHOT. 507 00:19:20,860 --> 00:19:23,330 WELL, I HOPE THAT WHOEVER YOU END UP WITH 508 00:19:23,363 --> 00:19:26,266 TREATS LIKE YOU LIKE THE AMAZING PERSON THAT YOU ARE. 509 00:19:26,299 --> 00:19:28,268 - THANK YOU. 510 00:19:28,301 --> 00:19:30,203 - AND I AM GOING TO GO RUN SOME STAIRS 511 00:19:30,237 --> 00:19:32,572 AND WORK THROUGH THESE FEELINGS. 512 00:19:32,605 --> 00:19:34,441 - IS HE SAD? - OH, MY GOD. 513 00:19:34,474 --> 00:19:35,608 - HE LOOKS SAD. 514 00:19:35,642 --> 00:19:37,410 - I'M NOT GOING OUT WITH CHRIS AGAIN. 515 00:19:37,444 --> 00:19:38,511 - DOES THAT MEAN WE'RE GETTING BACK TOGETHER? 516 00:19:38,545 --> 00:19:40,280 - NO. I DON'T KNOW. 517 00:19:40,313 --> 00:19:41,414 NO, NOT RIGHT NOW. 518 00:19:41,448 --> 00:19:42,482 THERE'S A CHANCE I'M NEVER 519 00:19:42,515 --> 00:19:44,384 GONNA DATE ANYONE EVER AGAIN. 520 00:19:44,417 --> 00:19:47,387 - I'LL TAKE IT. AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE? 521 00:19:47,420 --> 00:19:49,389 I'M COMING FOR YOU, GIRL... 522 00:19:49,422 --> 00:19:52,959 JUST...LIKE...YOU...WANT. 523 00:19:52,992 --> 00:19:54,827 - JUST GET OUT THERE AND SPIN, MAN. 524 00:19:54,861 --> 00:19:56,363 - YOU GOT IT. 525 00:19:56,396 --> 00:19:58,798 LESLIE KNOPE IS SCRAPPY LIKE A TERRIER. 526 00:19:58,831 --> 00:20:01,334 SHE'S SMOOOOOTH LIKE A BLENDED WHISKEY. 527 00:20:01,368 --> 00:20:03,936 MY GIRL HAS BIG IDEAS AND BIG FEELINGS, 528 00:20:03,970 --> 00:20:04,871 AND SHE'S NOT AFRAID TO EXPRESS 'EM. 529 00:20:04,904 --> 00:20:08,241 - WAS I TOO MEAN? - NO, YOU WERE PERFECT. 530 00:20:08,275 --> 00:20:09,141 - LESLIE! - HEY! 531 00:20:09,175 --> 00:20:11,544 - OH, IT WAS AMAZING. - OH, THANK YOU. 532 00:20:11,578 --> 00:20:13,380 HEY, HOW WAS THE SPIN ROOM? 533 00:20:13,413 --> 00:20:14,514 - IT WAS A LOT. WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT. 534 00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:16,283 - WOO! WE DID IT! WE DID IT! 535 00:20:16,316 --> 00:20:18,918 OH, MY GOD, I WAS SO NERVOUS, BUT WE COMPLETELY GO THROUGH IT. 536 00:20:18,951 --> 00:20:20,387 I HAVEN'T FELT THIS GOOD SINCE I SCORED 537 00:20:20,420 --> 00:20:22,289 THAT LACROSSE GOAL AT STATE, SERIOUSLY. 538 00:20:22,322 --> 00:20:23,856 HEY, PARTY AT MY DAD'S LAKE HOUSE. 539 00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:26,359 BRING WHOEVER YOU WANT. 540 00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:34,867 - SCRAWNY CHRISTIANS, MISSIONARIES, 541 00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:36,569 COME TO HIM, AND THEY'RE LIKE, "ARE YOU JOHN RAMBO?" 542 00:20:36,603 --> 00:20:38,037 HE'S LIKE, "YEAH." 543 00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:39,539 AND THEY'RE LIKE, "WE NEED YOU TO TAKE US UPRIVER." 544 00:20:39,572 --> 00:20:41,808 AND HE'S LIKE, "IT'S A WAR ZONE UP THERE." 545 00:20:41,841 --> 00:20:42,942 AND THEY'RE LIKE, "YEAH, WE KNOW. 546 00:20:42,975 --> 00:20:44,911 WE'RE GONNA CHANGE THINGS." 547 00:20:44,944 --> 00:20:47,580 AND HE'S LIKE, "YOU BRINGING ANY WEAPONS?" 548 00:20:47,614 --> 00:20:48,915 THEY'RE LIKE, "OF COURSE NOT." 549 00:20:48,948 --> 00:20:50,483 "THEN YOU'RE NOT CHANGING ANYTHING. 550 00:20:50,517 --> 00:20:51,851 GO HOME." 551 00:20:51,884 --> 00:20:53,553 AND THEY COME BACK IN A RAINSTORM. 552 00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:57,524 THIS TIME HE SAYS, "NOPE. GO HOME." 553 00:20:57,557 --> 00:20:58,925 THEY GO HOME AGAIN. 554 00:20:58,958 --> 00:21:02,329 BOTTOM LINE, THEY GO UPRIVER. DOES NOT GO WELL.