1
00:00:00,403 --> 00:00:02,070
Support for
Pawnee Community Radio
2
00:00:02,403 --> 00:00:05,870
comes from the Wendell G. and
Muriel Fathwright Korbleman Foundation,
3
00:00:05,903 --> 00:00:07,270
and Sweetums Cares,
4
00:00:07,303 --> 00:00:10,770
a nonprofit group that puts
umbrella hats on homeless people
5
00:00:10,945 --> 00:00:12,500
when it rains.
6
00:00:13,445 --> 00:00:16,400
Welcome to
Thoughts for your thoughts
7
00:00:16,445 --> 00:00:19,810
I'm Derry Murbles
filling in for David Parker,
8
00:00:20,005 --> 00:00:24,410
who took off for eight months to
study the migration patterns
9
00:00:24,603 --> 00:00:26,270
of our nation's squirrels.
10
00:00:26,305 --> 00:00:28,673
We have not
seen him since.
11
00:00:28,707 --> 00:00:31,609
My guest today is author
Leslie Knope.
12
00:00:31,643 --> 00:00:32,877
The book:
13
00:00:32,911 --> 00:00:36,297
Pawnee:
The greatest town in America.
14
00:00:36,331 --> 00:00:37,382
I wrote a book.
15
00:00:37,416 --> 00:00:39,801
The first historical guide
to Pawnee.
16
00:00:39,835 --> 00:00:41,586
I wrote it as a reference
for myself,
17
00:00:41,620 --> 00:00:42,954
but then,
my campaign advisor said
18
00:00:42,988 --> 00:00:44,989
we should make it
a big, wide release.
19
00:00:45,024 --> 00:00:46,290
So we had people contribute,
20
00:00:46,308 --> 00:00:47,392
we added pictures,
21
00:00:47,426 --> 00:00:48,926
and we removed
a lot of my poems
22
00:00:48,961 --> 00:00:50,762
and emotional ramblings
and pictures of unicorns,
23
00:00:50,796 --> 00:00:52,430
and here it is!
24
00:00:52,464 --> 00:00:55,099
Leslie, could one say that
25
00:00:55,133 --> 00:01:00,471
a book is nothing more
than a painting of words,
26
00:01:00,506 --> 00:01:02,940
which are the notes
on the tapestry
27
00:01:02,975 --> 00:01:06,477
of the greatest film
ever sculpted?
28
00:01:06,495 --> 00:01:10,882
One could say that.
29
00:01:10,916 --> 00:01:12,350
But should one?
30
00:01:12,384 --> 00:01:14,218
Join us next week
when David Bianculli
31
00:01:14,253 --> 00:01:17,388
will be filling in
for Richard Chang-Jefferson,
32
00:01:17,423 --> 00:01:19,190
who will be filling in
for me.
33
00:01:19,224 --> 00:01:22,009
Leslie, would you like to
take us out?
34
00:01:22,044 --> 00:01:23,795
Okay.
35
00:01:23,829 --> 00:01:25,196
"Please enjoy a song
36
00:01:25,230 --> 00:01:28,800
"from the lesbian
Afro-Norwegian Funk duo,
37
00:01:28,834 --> 00:01:31,002
Nefertiti's Fjord."
38
00:01:34,022 --> 00:01:35,773
♪ ♪
39
00:01:35,808 --> 00:01:37,975
Oh, wow.
They are terrible.
40
00:01:38,010 --> 00:01:40,528
Oh, yes.
Th-they're quite awful.
41
00:01:40,562 --> 00:01:44,148
But they are lesbians,
so--
42
00:01:47,186 --> 00:01:48,786
♪ ♪
43
00:01:49,186 --> 00:01:59,786
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
44
00:02:04,369 --> 00:02:06,704
Usually,
I only read nautical novels
45
00:02:06,722 --> 00:02:09,206
and my own personal manifestos,
46
00:02:09,224 --> 00:02:10,208
but I'm proud to make
this exception.
47
00:02:10,242 --> 00:02:11,425
Thank you, Ron.
48
00:02:11,477 --> 00:02:13,711
I expect all of you
to buy additional copies.
49
00:02:13,729 --> 00:02:15,897
But I wanted the first one
that you owned
50
00:02:15,931 --> 00:02:18,349
to be delivered and signed
by me.
51
00:02:18,383 --> 00:02:20,918
God, this goes on for,
like, seven pages!
52
00:02:20,953 --> 00:02:22,403
I started thinking about you
as a woman,
53
00:02:22,437 --> 00:02:24,355
and as a person,
and I got carried away.
54
00:02:24,389 --> 00:02:27,391
Okay, mine just says,
"Get well soon."
55
00:02:27,409 --> 00:02:28,693
Aren't you sick?
56
00:02:28,727 --> 00:02:30,561
No.
57
00:02:30,579 --> 00:02:32,113
Something's off.
58
00:02:32,164 --> 00:02:34,448
Leslie, I loved your book.
59
00:02:34,500 --> 00:02:35,616
- I read it cover to cover.
- Wow.
60
00:02:35,667 --> 00:02:37,268
I just gave it to you
an hour ago.
61
00:02:37,302 --> 00:02:38,419
I'm a speed reader.
62
00:02:38,453 --> 00:02:40,304
I can read
over 3,000 words a minute
63
00:02:40,339 --> 00:02:41,672
with total comprehension.
64
00:02:41,707 --> 00:02:44,375
One time, I read all
of Siddhartha at a traffic stop.
65
00:02:46,128 --> 00:02:49,013
Pawnee's most notorious
businessman in the building.
66
00:02:49,047 --> 00:02:50,648
I brought some
Entertainment 720 pillowcases
67
00:02:50,682 --> 00:02:51,682
for your pillow.
68
00:02:51,717 --> 00:02:55,102
"Never stop dreaming."
Tom Haverford.
69
00:02:55,137 --> 00:02:57,471
"I never do."
Chris Traeger.
70
00:02:57,523 --> 00:02:59,724
Respect.
Game recognize game.
71
00:02:59,758 --> 00:03:01,893
Tom, I have Pawnee Today
in an hour.
72
00:03:01,927 --> 00:03:04,061
Was my book selected
for Joan's cook club?
73
00:03:04,095 --> 00:03:06,297
Joan Callamezzo
has a book club?
74
00:03:06,331 --> 00:03:08,098
Joan Callamezzo started
75
00:03:08,116 --> 00:03:10,401
a book club four years ago.
76
00:03:10,435 --> 00:03:12,503
And now she is the literary
tastemaker in the town.
77
00:03:12,538 --> 00:03:14,505
The Time Traveler's
Optometrist,
78
00:03:14,540 --> 00:03:16,774
by Pawnee's own
Penelope Foster.
79
00:03:16,792 --> 00:03:19,677
A heartwarming story
about a caveman eye doctor
80
00:03:19,711 --> 00:03:21,746
who travels
to present-day Cincinnati
81
00:03:21,780 --> 00:03:24,015
and can see everything
but love.
82
00:03:24,049 --> 00:03:25,449
Unreadable.
83
00:03:25,467 --> 00:03:27,585
Then Joan slaps her sticker
on it,
84
00:03:27,619 --> 00:03:30,354
best seller,
four years in a row.
85
00:03:30,389 --> 00:03:31,956
You told me you could get me
that sticker.
86
00:03:31,990 --> 00:03:33,474
- Did you get it?
- I'm trying, Leslie.
87
00:03:33,508 --> 00:03:34,809
But Joan got
an anonymous tip
88
00:03:34,843 --> 00:03:36,527
that there's a
factual inaccuracy
89
00:03:36,562 --> 00:03:37,595
in your book.
90
00:03:37,629 --> 00:03:39,513
That's impossible.
91
00:03:39,565 --> 00:03:41,682
I checked every detail
with the historical society.
92
00:03:41,733 --> 00:03:42,817
Did she say what it was?
93
00:03:42,851 --> 00:03:44,134
She won't tell me.
94
00:03:44,152 --> 00:03:46,153
I think she wants one
of her big "gotcha" moments.
95
00:03:46,188 --> 00:03:49,824
Well, she's not gonna
getch me.
96
00:03:49,858 --> 00:03:51,442
I found no inaccuracies.
97
00:03:51,476 --> 00:03:53,511
Joan Callamezzo claims there
is a mistake in my book,
98
00:03:53,545 --> 00:03:54,912
which there is not,
99
00:03:54,947 --> 00:03:55,980
and so now,
she's tryin' to get me
100
00:03:55,998 --> 00:03:57,198
on a tiny technicality.
101
00:03:57,249 --> 00:03:58,416
So just in case
there is a mistake,
102
00:03:58,450 --> 00:03:59,483
which there is not,
103
00:03:59,501 --> 00:04:00,885
I need all of you
fact-checking
104
00:04:00,919 --> 00:04:02,353
every single detail.
105
00:04:02,387 --> 00:04:04,171
Jerry, I need you
to hit the road
106
00:04:04,206 --> 00:04:05,990
and re-interview everyone
who lives out of town.
107
00:04:06,008 --> 00:04:07,041
On it, boss.
108
00:04:07,092 --> 00:04:08,326
The rest of you,
call me
109
00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:09,510
as soon as you
find the mistake
110
00:04:09,544 --> 00:04:12,897
that does not exist.
111
00:04:12,931 --> 00:04:14,131
Do you think there's actually
a mistake in here?
112
00:04:14,165 --> 00:04:15,332
I doubt it.
113
00:04:15,350 --> 00:04:16,867
If there's one thing
Leslie's not,
114
00:04:16,902 --> 00:04:17,868
it's sloppy.
115
00:04:17,903 --> 00:04:20,471
She's also not brief.
116
00:04:20,505 --> 00:04:22,556
This is gonna take forever.
117
00:04:22,608 --> 00:04:23,674
It's just us,
I hope.
118
00:04:23,692 --> 00:04:24,842
I wish.
119
00:04:24,876 --> 00:04:26,227
Hey, guys!
120
00:04:26,278 --> 00:04:27,645
Ready to do
some fact-checkin'?
121
00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:32,016
Here we go.
Helping Leslie.
122
00:04:32,034 --> 00:04:35,202
Okey-doke.
123
00:04:38,223 --> 00:04:39,690
Hi.
Joan Callamezzo.
124
00:04:39,708 --> 00:04:40,691
Oh, yeah.
Hi. Ben Wyatt.
125
00:04:40,709 --> 00:04:41,692
W-we've met.
126
00:04:41,727 --> 00:04:42,994
I don't think so.
127
00:04:43,928 --> 00:04:45,529
Yeah,
I was on your show.
128
00:04:46,547 --> 00:04:47,965
Nope.
129
00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:51,035
♪ I'm tryin' to find the words
to describe this girl ♪
130
00:04:51,053 --> 00:04:52,920
♪ without bein' disrespectful ♪
131
00:04:53,471 --> 00:04:54,371
Getting the book
132
00:04:54,389 --> 00:04:56,390
into Joan's book club
will really help Leslie.
133
00:04:56,425 --> 00:04:58,843
But it'll also help my company,
Entertainment 720.
134
00:04:58,877 --> 00:05:00,210
At the risk of bragging,
135
00:05:00,228 --> 00:05:01,595
one of the things
I'm best at
136
00:05:01,647 --> 00:05:03,080
is riding coattails.
137
00:05:03,115 --> 00:05:04,682
Behind every successful man...
138
00:05:04,716 --> 00:05:07,118
Is me, smiling
and taking partial credit.
139
00:05:07,152 --> 00:05:08,552
Now, about Leslie's book.
140
00:05:08,570 --> 00:05:10,237
Am I gonna be happy?
141
00:05:10,272 --> 00:05:12,857
We'll see,
won't we? Ooh!
142
00:05:16,411 --> 00:05:18,963
Wow, you guys
are really cute together.
143
00:05:18,997 --> 00:05:21,732
Ben, I'm cute together
with everybody.
144
00:05:22,250 --> 00:05:24,418
Anyone find any mistakes?
145
00:05:24,453 --> 00:05:25,503
Yeah, actually.
146
00:05:25,537 --> 00:05:28,789
In here, it says that
Pawnee is great.
147
00:05:28,840 --> 00:05:30,741
But in reality,
it's terrible.
148
00:05:30,959 --> 00:05:33,410
Let Tom know
we haven't found anything.
149
00:05:33,428 --> 00:05:35,129
Hey, I'm thinking
about getting a new phone.
150
00:05:35,180 --> 00:05:36,297
Do you guys like your phones?
151
00:05:36,348 --> 00:05:38,301
I've never used a phone
in my life.
152
00:05:40,352 --> 00:05:41,886
What about you, Ron?
Do you like your phone?
153
00:05:43,922 --> 00:05:45,890
Here's my goal.
154
00:05:45,924 --> 00:05:46,924
I'm gonna get these two people
155
00:05:46,942 --> 00:05:48,776
that I've known
for a long time
156
00:05:48,810 --> 00:05:51,595
to talk to me
for five minutes.
157
00:05:51,630 --> 00:05:52,596
Who am I kidding?
158
00:05:52,614 --> 00:05:53,931
One minute.
159
00:05:53,965 --> 00:05:56,067
One minute would be amazing.
160
00:05:56,101 --> 00:05:57,401
So, Leslie.
161
00:05:57,436 --> 00:05:59,270
You're a real native of Pawnee,
aren't you?
162
00:05:59,304 --> 00:06:02,006
Yes, I was born
and raised here, Joan.
163
00:06:02,040 --> 00:06:03,374
And I love the town so much,
164
00:06:03,408 --> 00:06:04,809
I literally wrote
the book on it.
165
00:06:04,843 --> 00:06:06,777
I have it right here.
166
00:06:06,795 --> 00:06:09,246
And also, in this hand,
right here,
167
00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:10,798
I have a sticker.
168
00:06:10,832 --> 00:06:12,449
Which, when applied,
legally determines
169
00:06:12,467 --> 00:06:14,752
the newest selection
of Joan's book club.
170
00:06:14,786 --> 00:06:18,589
Uh...Oh...Whoa!
171
00:06:18,623 --> 00:06:20,124
Where--
over here?
172
00:06:20,142 --> 00:06:21,509
Back here?
173
00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:22,827
- Where is it now?
- Come on, stick it.
174
00:06:22,861 --> 00:06:25,980
Ooh.
Oh, hang on--
175
00:06:26,014 --> 00:06:27,014
Stick the sticker.
Stick the st--
176
00:06:27,065 --> 00:06:28,866
No, no, no.
Not so fast.
177
00:06:28,900 --> 00:06:31,318
We received
a tip that you,
178
00:06:31,353 --> 00:06:33,437
Leslie "born and raised" Knope,
179
00:06:33,471 --> 00:06:36,173
were not born in Pawnee.
180
00:06:36,708 --> 00:06:38,275
What?
181
00:06:38,310 --> 00:06:39,477
Gotcha!
182
00:06:39,511 --> 00:06:41,178
And because you lied about it,
183
00:06:41,213 --> 00:06:43,481
we cannot make this
a book club selection.
184
00:06:43,515 --> 00:06:45,049
I was born in Pawnee.
185
00:06:45,083 --> 00:06:46,167
I'd stake my reputation on it.
186
00:06:46,201 --> 00:06:47,218
I have to tell you,
187
00:06:47,252 --> 00:06:49,320
this feels like
gotcha journalism.
188
00:06:49,354 --> 00:06:50,521
In what way?
189
00:06:50,555 --> 00:06:52,857
That way.
You put "gotcha" on my face.
190
00:06:52,891 --> 00:06:54,091
After the break:
191
00:06:54,126 --> 00:06:55,559
Where was Leslie Knope
actually born?
192
00:06:55,594 --> 00:06:56,560
Pawnee!
193
00:06:56,595 --> 00:06:58,462
We will pull out
the world map
194
00:06:58,496 --> 00:07:00,798
and speculate wildly.
195
00:07:01,232 --> 00:07:02,400
♪ Joan gotcha ♪
196
00:07:02,434 --> 00:07:04,502
Oh, God.
Not the gotcha dancers.
197
00:07:05,036 --> 00:07:06,303
♪ betcha thought you'd ♪
198
00:07:06,338 --> 00:07:08,005
♪ get away witcha ♪
199
00:07:08,023 --> 00:07:10,841
♪ butcha got caught,
didn't ya? ♪
200
00:07:10,876 --> 00:07:12,109
♪ Joan gotcha ♪.
201
00:07:13,306 --> 00:07:14,809
Tnat was despicable!
202
00:07:14,880 --> 00:07:16,498
I am horrified
at her tactics.
203
00:07:16,549 --> 00:07:17,832
That said,
the show was pretty lively.
204
00:07:18,884 --> 00:07:20,585
♪ Joan gotcha! ♪
205
00:07:20,619 --> 00:07:21,987
♪ don't it hurtcha? ♪
206
00:07:22,021 --> 00:07:22,988
It's very catchy.
207
00:07:23,022 --> 00:07:23,989
Okay, Ben, Tom,
208
00:07:24,023 --> 00:07:26,224
you stay here, stay on Joan.
Get that sticker.
209
00:07:26,258 --> 00:07:27,926
Chris, Andy,
we're gonna stay on schedule,
210
00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:29,127
and we're gonna do
some damage control.
211
00:07:29,145 --> 00:07:30,294
All right.
Everybody move!
212
00:07:30,312 --> 00:07:31,596
Move, move, move!
213
00:07:31,630 --> 00:07:33,431
This entire event is
under federal jurisdiction.
214
00:07:33,465 --> 00:07:34,632
Unless he's in trouble,
215
00:07:34,650 --> 00:07:35,850
there's only one man
for the job.
216
00:07:35,901 --> 00:07:39,487
Bert Macklin, FBI.
217
00:07:40,022 --> 00:07:42,106
You thought I was dead?
218
00:07:42,640 --> 00:07:45,877
So did the president's
enemies.
219
00:07:45,911 --> 00:07:47,912
Call if you need us.
220
00:07:47,946 --> 00:07:49,847
Okay.
221
00:07:49,882 --> 00:07:51,849
All right, so we don't
have to fact-check anymore.
222
00:07:51,884 --> 00:07:55,169
But Leslie wants us
to be on ready-alert one
223
00:07:55,204 --> 00:07:56,671
just in case
something comes up.
224
00:07:56,705 --> 00:08:01,292
Now I can get
some real work done.
225
00:08:01,326 --> 00:08:04,328
You know, I think I'm
just gonna hang out here
226
00:08:04,346 --> 00:08:05,329
with you guys,
if that's cool.
227
00:08:05,347 --> 00:08:06,998
It's not.
228
00:08:07,032 --> 00:08:08,499
Great.
229
00:08:08,517 --> 00:08:10,301
I could leave.
I could.
230
00:08:10,335 --> 00:08:12,019
But I'm not going to.
231
00:08:12,054 --> 00:08:13,938
I will get my one minute
232
00:08:13,972 --> 00:08:16,057
of small talk,
damn it.
233
00:08:16,108 --> 00:08:17,608
And it will be casual,
234
00:08:17,643 --> 00:08:20,027
and it will be amicable!
235
00:08:20,062 --> 00:08:21,679
Did Leslie leave?
236
00:08:21,697 --> 00:08:24,065
We wanted her to sign
the gotcha wall.
237
00:08:24,116 --> 00:08:25,850
Joanie.
238
00:08:25,884 --> 00:08:27,034
Come on, now.
What was that?
239
00:08:27,069 --> 00:08:28,519
I thought we were
gonna get that sticker.
240
00:08:28,554 --> 00:08:29,704
Sorry, Tom.
241
00:08:29,738 --> 00:08:31,188
But I am,
first and foremost,
242
00:08:31,206 --> 00:08:32,857
a journalist.
243
00:08:32,891 --> 00:08:34,292
Let us take you to lunch.
244
00:08:34,326 --> 00:08:36,193
Okay?
We'll talk about the book.
245
00:08:36,228 --> 00:08:38,195
And...
Whatever else may come up.
246
00:08:38,230 --> 00:08:41,265
Let me go change
into something more tantalizing.
247
00:08:41,300 --> 00:08:43,167
All right?
248
00:08:43,201 --> 00:08:46,170
So, what?
We're taking her to lunch now?
249
00:08:46,204 --> 00:08:48,773
Ben, Leslie hired my company
to get her that sticker.
250
00:08:48,807 --> 00:08:49,907
You're the one that told me
251
00:08:49,942 --> 00:08:52,243
"businesses" need "clients"
to get "money."
252
00:08:52,277 --> 00:08:54,378
I was the first one
to tell you that?
253
00:08:54,413 --> 00:08:55,947
Don't worry.
This is in the bag.
254
00:08:55,981 --> 00:08:57,548
Joan's a married woman.
255
00:08:57,566 --> 00:08:59,684
She wants what she can't have.
256
00:08:59,718 --> 00:09:02,720
It's a game
of cat and mouse.
257
00:09:12,114 --> 00:09:14,198
Thank you all for coming.
258
00:09:14,232 --> 00:09:17,201
Our journey begins on page one,
the preface.
259
00:09:18,570 --> 00:09:20,070
Oh, boy.
Yes?
260
00:09:20,088 --> 00:09:22,273
I think I speak on behalf
of everyone
261
00:09:22,307 --> 00:09:24,241
in the entire world
when I say...
262
00:09:24,259 --> 00:09:27,111
We need to know the truth
about where you were born.
263
00:09:27,145 --> 00:09:29,246
- Okay. Well--
- Leslie?
264
00:09:29,264 --> 00:09:31,582
Let me handle this.
265
00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:32,583
Does it really matter?
266
00:09:32,601 --> 00:09:34,101
I mean,
how many of you
267
00:09:34,136 --> 00:09:37,822
were actually born
in Pawnee?
268
00:09:37,856 --> 00:09:39,357
Sure enough.
269
00:09:39,391 --> 00:09:40,891
No matter what you heard,
ma'am,
270
00:09:40,925 --> 00:09:42,610
the truth is,
I was born here.
271
00:09:42,644 --> 00:09:44,278
If you were so born here,
272
00:09:44,313 --> 00:09:46,397
then where's
your birth certificate?
273
00:09:46,431 --> 00:09:48,449
Well, I don't carry
my birth certificate around
274
00:09:48,483 --> 00:09:50,768
- with me--
- Why?
275
00:09:50,802 --> 00:09:52,453
Because you're hiding something?
276
00:09:52,487 --> 00:09:54,105
You should go back
where you came from.
277
00:09:54,139 --> 00:09:55,990
I am back from
where I came from!
278
00:09:56,041 --> 00:09:58,075
That sentence was confusing!
279
00:09:58,109 --> 00:09:59,460
You might as well be from China!
Tell us!
280
00:09:59,494 --> 00:10:01,045
- That's ridiculous!
- Is it?
281
00:10:01,079 --> 00:10:02,163
I'm from here!
282
00:10:02,214 --> 00:10:03,614
This crowd getting
very hostile, Ms. Knope.
283
00:10:03,632 --> 00:10:04,615
I'm gonna get you
outta here.
284
00:10:04,633 --> 00:10:05,850
- Oh, my God.
- Back off!
285
00:10:05,884 --> 00:10:06,917
Okay, okay.
286
00:10:06,951 --> 00:10:08,586
Thank you.
Go, go, go!
287
00:10:08,620 --> 00:10:10,755
When I was 18,
288
00:10:10,789 --> 00:10:13,624
Val Kilmer saw me
at a mall
289
00:10:13,659 --> 00:10:15,593
and told me
I should model.
290
00:10:16,628 --> 00:10:19,013
That never happened.
291
00:10:19,064 --> 00:10:21,032
So, Joan, how is
married life treating you?
292
00:10:21,066 --> 00:10:23,000
Your husband still know he's
the luckiest man in the world?
293
00:10:23,035 --> 00:10:24,969
Santino and I are divorcing.
294
00:10:25,003 --> 00:10:26,070
Oh.
295
00:10:26,104 --> 00:10:27,772
It's actually
quite liberating.
296
00:10:27,806 --> 00:10:31,308
I'm a woman
with a strong sexual appetite.
297
00:10:31,326 --> 00:10:33,744
I'm like a caged peacock,
298
00:10:33,779 --> 00:10:36,497
yearning for the wind
on her haunches.
299
00:10:36,531 --> 00:10:39,016
That's a powerful metaphor.
300
00:10:39,051 --> 00:10:41,786
Maybe we can get
that book club sticker in order,
301
00:10:41,820 --> 00:10:44,205
and we can work on
unlockin' that peacock cage.
302
00:10:44,256 --> 00:10:45,373
Things have changed,
Tom.
303
00:10:45,424 --> 00:10:48,859
Don't make any promises
you can't keep.
304
00:10:48,894 --> 00:10:50,160
I'll have another drink,
305
00:10:50,178 --> 00:10:54,715
and so will this adorable hunk
of caramel to my right.
306
00:10:54,766 --> 00:10:55,850
Drink up,
Tom.
307
00:10:55,884 --> 00:10:57,635
I'm gonna go powder
my nose...
308
00:10:57,669 --> 00:11:00,104
Amongst other things.
309
00:11:00,138 --> 00:11:05,693
If you know what I mean.
310
00:11:05,727 --> 00:11:06,727
Crap.
311
00:11:06,778 --> 00:11:09,513
Is she gonna powder
her vagina?
312
00:11:09,548 --> 00:11:11,014
- You gotta help me, man.
- Why?
313
00:11:11,032 --> 00:11:13,317
Seems to be going
the usual amount of gross.
314
00:11:13,351 --> 00:11:14,485
No, this is way different.
315
00:11:14,519 --> 00:11:15,519
She's not married anymore.
316
00:11:15,554 --> 00:11:16,520
She had, like,
five bottles of alcohol,
317
00:11:16,555 --> 00:11:17,988
she's callin' me
"caramel."
318
00:11:18,023 --> 00:11:19,623
You've gotta throw some
cold water on this situation.
319
00:11:19,658 --> 00:11:20,991
Start talkin' about nerd stuff.
320
00:11:21,025 --> 00:11:22,860
You know,
nerd culture is mainstream now.
321
00:11:22,878 --> 00:11:24,128
So when you use the word
322
00:11:24,162 --> 00:11:25,696
"nerd" derogatorily,
323
00:11:25,731 --> 00:11:27,331
means you'the one
that's out of the zeitgeist.
324
00:11:27,365 --> 00:11:29,133
Yes, that's perfect.
Just like that.
325
00:11:29,167 --> 00:11:30,401
Be incredibly boring.
326
00:11:30,435 --> 00:11:33,203
Well, I've made
a little progress.
327
00:11:33,221 --> 00:11:35,673
I'm up to four seconds
with April.
328
00:11:35,707 --> 00:11:36,674
Hey, April.
329
00:11:36,708 --> 00:11:38,442
I was looking to get
some new music,
330
00:11:38,477 --> 00:11:40,611
and I was wondering
if you could recommend anything.
331
00:11:40,645 --> 00:11:41,879
The Internet.
332
00:11:41,913 --> 00:11:42,980
I really like your haircut.
333
00:11:43,014 --> 00:11:44,982
- W-w-where'd you get it?
- Prison.
334
00:11:45,016 --> 00:11:45,983
How's your sister doin'?
335
00:11:46,017 --> 00:11:47,384
She has the shingles.
336
00:11:47,419 --> 00:11:49,437
Who's your favorite character
on Sex and the City?
337
00:11:49,988 --> 00:11:51,856
Alf.
338
00:11:51,890 --> 00:11:53,724
And...
Nine seconds with Ron.
339
00:11:53,742 --> 00:11:55,526
You're stranded
on a desert island.
340
00:11:55,560 --> 00:11:57,528
What is the one thing
that you bring with you?
341
00:11:57,962 --> 00:11:59,916
Silence.
342
00:12:04,753 --> 00:12:07,021
We did a flash poll.
343
00:12:07,055 --> 00:12:09,440
68% of Pawneeans
now believe you're lying
344
00:12:09,474 --> 00:12:10,474
about where you were born.
345
00:12:10,509 --> 00:12:12,243
Honesty is important to voters.
346
00:12:12,277 --> 00:12:14,378
13% think I'm crazy-eyed?
347
00:12:14,412 --> 00:12:16,447
What?
Why?
348
00:12:16,481 --> 00:12:17,965
Whatever,
I can end this now.
349
00:12:18,016 --> 00:12:19,183
Here's my birth certificate.
350
00:12:19,217 --> 00:12:20,885
Mm-hmm.
351
00:12:20,919 --> 00:12:22,453
Well, this just says
"Wamapoke County."
352
00:12:22,487 --> 00:12:24,054
Yeah.
That's the county Pawnee is in.
353
00:12:24,089 --> 00:12:25,606
Well, no.
This won't do it.
354
00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:27,424
See, you staked
your reputation on this.
355
00:12:27,459 --> 00:12:28,559
So you need to go down
356
00:12:28,593 --> 00:12:30,060
to the county records office
in Eagleton
357
00:12:30,095 --> 00:12:31,896
and get the original,
long-form certificate.
358
00:12:31,930 --> 00:12:33,898
Oh, God.
Don't make me go to Eagleton.
359
00:12:33,932 --> 00:12:36,400
Eagleton is the land
of rich, snobby jerks.
360
00:12:36,434 --> 00:12:38,803
There's a whole chapter
about it in my book.
361
00:12:38,837 --> 00:12:40,271
I could write a second book
about Eagleton
362
00:12:40,305 --> 00:12:41,839
and how stupid it is.
363
00:12:41,873 --> 00:12:44,842
And I'd call it Eagleton:
The land of rich, snobby jerks.
364
00:12:44,876 --> 00:12:48,445
Hello... and welcome to the
Wamapoke County Records Office,
365
00:12:48,463 --> 00:12:50,548
here in beautiful Eagleton.
366
00:12:50,582 --> 00:12:52,249
My name is Alexis Pratchett.
367
00:12:52,284 --> 00:12:53,968
Take it down a notch,
Alexis.
368
00:12:54,002 --> 00:12:56,353
I need a copy
of my birth certificate.
369
00:12:56,388 --> 00:12:57,788
Ooh, I'm sorry.
370
00:12:57,823 --> 00:13:00,324
It takes three to eight weeks
to receive a birth certificate.
371
00:13:00,358 --> 00:13:01,976
Really?
372
00:13:06,164 --> 00:13:07,631
Hi,
I'm Chris.
373
00:13:07,666 --> 00:13:10,167
I was wondering if you might
make an exception for me?
374
00:13:10,202 --> 00:13:13,671
Oh, I'm sorry.
No.
375
00:13:15,674 --> 00:13:17,191
Wow.
That usually works.
376
00:13:17,242 --> 00:13:18,993
Oh, God.
I hate this stupid town
377
00:13:19,027 --> 00:13:20,945
with all its stupid,
terrible people.
378
00:13:20,979 --> 00:13:22,112
I need that birth certificate.
379
00:13:22,146 --> 00:13:24,915
Leslie, wait here.
380
00:13:24,950 --> 00:13:26,851
Bert Macklin is on the case.
381
00:13:26,885 --> 00:13:28,586
- Andy--
- No.
382
00:13:28,620 --> 00:13:32,456
Don't worry.
I can do this.
383
00:13:32,490 --> 00:13:34,491
Believe in me!
384
00:13:37,095 --> 00:13:39,513
That's broken.
385
00:13:42,517 --> 00:13:43,500
Hold on.
386
00:13:43,518 --> 00:13:44,768
Leslie.
Real quick.
387
00:13:44,803 --> 00:13:46,470
Uh, spell your last name for me.
388
00:13:46,504 --> 00:13:50,357
♪ Let's hear it for the boys ♪
Whoo!
389
00:13:50,392 --> 00:13:53,911
Wow. That was as long
as it was loud.
390
00:13:54,946 --> 00:13:56,981
Take me home,
dumpling.
391
00:13:57,015 --> 00:13:58,198
It's beddy time.
392
00:13:58,233 --> 00:13:59,884
Ah.
Hey, Ben.
393
00:13:59,918 --> 00:14:00,885
You like Star Trek.
394
00:14:00,919 --> 00:14:02,052
Talk about that
for a little bit.
395
00:14:02,587 --> 00:14:04,372
They're making a sequel...
396
00:14:05,907 --> 00:14:08,459
I'm assuming with
the same alternate timeline.
397
00:14:08,493 --> 00:14:09,994
But if J.J. Abrams and company
398
00:14:10,028 --> 00:14:11,528
expect us to believe
that it's Spock
399
00:14:11,563 --> 00:14:14,582
with the romantic tension
with Uhura and not Kirk...
400
00:14:14,633 --> 00:14:18,168
Well, let's just say, the
message boards are goin' nuts.
401
00:14:18,202 --> 00:14:22,222
I wanna take you both home
and [bleep] bend you over
402
00:14:22,257 --> 00:14:25,876
and just [bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep].
403
00:14:25,894 --> 00:14:29,013
at the same time.
Whoo!
404
00:14:29,047 --> 00:14:30,213
I'm leaving.
405
00:14:30,231 --> 00:14:31,448
Wait, wait, wait.
406
00:14:31,483 --> 00:14:32,566
We gotta get her home.
407
00:14:32,601 --> 00:14:34,568
Tom, I know
your business is failing,
408
00:14:34,603 --> 00:14:36,020
but this just isn't worth it.
409
00:14:36,054 --> 00:14:37,571
It's not about
the business anymore, man.
410
00:14:37,606 --> 00:14:38,722
Sh-she's a disaster.
411
00:14:38,740 --> 00:14:40,791
We gotta make sure
she gets home safe.
412
00:14:42,694 --> 00:14:44,078
Whoa, whoa.
413
00:14:44,112 --> 00:14:45,696
Whoa.
414
00:14:45,730 --> 00:14:47,064
What the hell?
415
00:14:47,082 --> 00:14:48,632
Okay, let's get her
on the bed.
416
00:14:48,667 --> 00:14:50,451
- Okay. One.
- Oh, my God.
417
00:14:50,502 --> 00:14:52,369
Two.
418
00:14:52,403 --> 00:14:55,238
Three.
419
00:14:56,708 --> 00:14:58,309
Let's go, bro.
420
00:14:58,343 --> 00:14:59,576
Say what you will about Joan,
421
00:14:59,594 --> 00:15:00,744
but she knows how to
decorate a bedroom.
422
00:15:00,779 --> 00:15:02,913
- Oh, my God.
- Wow.
423
00:15:02,948 --> 00:15:04,381
Where the hell am I?
424
00:15:04,416 --> 00:15:06,450
I just wanna see how soft
these sheets are. One second.
425
00:15:06,484 --> 00:15:08,251
Tom, no.
Come on. Let's go.
426
00:15:08,269 --> 00:15:09,553
Ah!
427
00:15:09,587 --> 00:15:11,421
Joan, we left you some water
and aspirin by the bed!
428
00:15:11,439 --> 00:15:13,891
Bye!
429
00:15:13,925 --> 00:15:15,142
Got it!
430
00:15:15,193 --> 00:15:16,927
Got it!
431
00:15:16,945 --> 00:15:18,762
Nice!
432
00:15:18,780 --> 00:15:19,930
I also got
this dude's briefcase.
433
00:15:19,948 --> 00:15:21,065
It was just layin' there.
434
00:15:21,099 --> 00:15:23,150
Kind of a panic move.
435
00:15:23,201 --> 00:15:24,568
I believed in you,
buddy.
436
00:15:24,602 --> 00:15:25,619
But you should put that back.
437
00:15:25,654 --> 00:15:27,037
Okay.
438
00:15:27,072 --> 00:15:28,272
Okay, so.
Leslie Barbara Knope,
439
00:15:28,306 --> 00:15:29,823
born January 18th,
440
00:15:29,874 --> 00:15:31,008
to Robert and Marlene Knope,
441
00:15:31,042 --> 00:15:35,879
in Eagleton, Indiana.
442
00:15:35,914 --> 00:15:37,050
I'm from Eagleton!
443
00:15:38,514 --> 00:15:39,550
Is it true mom?
444
00:15:39,614 --> 00:15:42,950
Was I born in Eagleton?
445
00:15:43,154 --> 00:15:44,222
Yes, it's true.
446
00:15:44,356 --> 00:15:45,790
No!
447
00:15:45,824 --> 00:15:49,043
Pawnee hospital was overrun
with raccoons at the time.
448
00:15:49,094 --> 00:15:51,378
So we had to go to
the next closest hospital.
449
00:15:52,231 --> 00:15:53,381
I'm sorry.
450
00:15:53,432 --> 00:15:55,466
Did you expect me
to give birth to you
451
00:15:55,500 --> 00:15:57,969
in an infested,
disease-filled room?
452
00:15:58,003 --> 00:16:00,221
Mom, why didn't you tell me?
453
00:16:00,272 --> 00:16:02,023
You try telling
that little girl
454
00:16:02,057 --> 00:16:03,024
she's not from Pawnee.
455
00:16:03,058 --> 00:16:04,942
I certainly couldn't.
456
00:16:04,977 --> 00:16:07,078
So you were technically born
in Eagleton.
457
00:16:07,112 --> 00:16:08,546
Who cares?
458
00:16:08,580 --> 00:16:09,947
I care.
459
00:16:09,982 --> 00:16:12,116
The people of Pawnee care.
460
00:16:12,151 --> 00:16:13,718
I wrote on the cover
of my book
461
00:16:13,752 --> 00:16:15,253
that I was born in Pawnee.
462
00:16:15,287 --> 00:16:17,088
I went on Pawnee today,
463
00:16:17,122 --> 00:16:20,424
and I called Joan a liar!
464
00:16:20,459 --> 00:16:21,425
I'm the liar.
465
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:23,027
I'm worse than a liar.
466
00:16:23,345 --> 00:16:26,414
I'm an...
467
00:16:28,065 --> 00:16:29,650
Eagletonian.
468
00:16:29,985 --> 00:16:31,252
Morning.
469
00:16:31,286 --> 00:16:33,337
Is Leslie here?
470
00:16:33,371 --> 00:16:35,740
Aw, man.
I am so tired.
471
00:16:35,774 --> 00:16:38,743
I took a half-shift
at the hospital last night.
472
00:16:38,777 --> 00:16:42,063
And I had
this really weird patient.
473
00:16:44,066 --> 00:16:45,266
Weird how?
474
00:16:45,317 --> 00:16:46,934
I probably shouldn't talk
about it.
475
00:16:46,985 --> 00:16:49,587
It's one of the grossest things
I've ever seen.
476
00:16:49,621 --> 00:16:50,588
Talk.
477
00:16:50,622 --> 00:16:52,240
Well, this guy came in.
478
00:16:52,274 --> 00:16:54,025
He got his hand stuck
in a Pringles can,
479
00:16:54,059 --> 00:16:56,194
and he tried to cut himself out.
480
00:16:56,228 --> 00:16:58,362
- Was there a lot of blood?
- What kind of blade did he use?
481
00:16:58,397 --> 00:17:00,915
Uh, three-and-a-half-inch?
482
00:17:00,949 --> 00:17:02,867
Serrated?
Buckets of blood.
483
00:17:02,901 --> 00:17:05,036
He passed out over his arm,
484
00:17:05,070 --> 00:17:06,204
and slumped onto the floor.
485
00:17:06,238 --> 00:17:07,338
Did the bone show?
486
00:17:07,372 --> 00:17:08,456
Very good question, April.
487
00:17:08,507 --> 00:17:09,457
Answer her.
488
00:17:09,508 --> 00:17:10,591
Yeah.
489
00:17:10,626 --> 00:17:12,710
The bone showed.
490
00:17:12,744 --> 00:17:14,912
Everyone in the universe loves
a gross medical story.
491
00:17:14,930 --> 00:17:16,097
Boom!
492
00:17:16,131 --> 00:17:17,298
I win!
493
00:17:17,349 --> 00:17:18,933
And so when I
finally cleaned up the vomit,
494
00:17:18,967 --> 00:17:20,718
I found the toe.
495
00:17:20,752 --> 00:17:21,719
I forgot about the toe!
496
00:17:21,753 --> 00:17:23,554
So did we!
Crazy, right?
497
00:17:23,589 --> 00:17:25,089
That story's awesome!
498
00:17:25,123 --> 00:17:28,442
Indeed.
Thank you for sharing, Jenny.
499
00:17:30,462 --> 00:17:33,130
Ann was getting
a little chummy.
500
00:17:33,165 --> 00:17:35,666
When people get too chummy
with me,
501
00:17:35,701 --> 00:17:38,069
I like to call them by
the wrong name to let them know
502
00:17:38,103 --> 00:17:40,004
I don't really care about them.
503
00:17:40,038 --> 00:17:41,639
That's a genius move.
504
00:17:41,673 --> 00:17:42,957
Thank you.
505
00:17:42,991 --> 00:17:45,993
You're welcome,
Lester.
506
00:17:47,379 --> 00:17:48,796
Oh, my God.
507
00:17:48,830 --> 00:17:51,148
I wonder who else was born
in Eagleton.
508
00:17:51,183 --> 00:17:53,501
Voldemort, probably.
509
00:17:53,552 --> 00:17:55,119
Bad news, team.
510
00:17:55,137 --> 00:17:57,088
Entertainment 720 was unable
to get the sticker
511
00:17:57,122 --> 00:17:58,189
for Leslie's book.
512
00:17:58,223 --> 00:18:00,024
The sticker is the least
of my problems.
513
00:18:00,058 --> 00:18:02,460
If I come clean about
where I'm from,
514
00:18:02,494 --> 00:18:04,762
then my political career
is over.
515
00:18:04,796 --> 00:18:06,530
You don't have to tell them
a damn thing.
516
00:18:06,565 --> 00:18:08,466
The only thing the voters need
to know about you
517
00:18:08,500 --> 00:18:09,800
is your name.
518
00:18:09,835 --> 00:18:11,836
And even that,
I go back and forth on.
519
00:18:11,870 --> 00:18:14,471
I'm sorry,
but I disagree.
520
00:18:14,489 --> 00:18:16,674
Leslie, where you were born
is a piece of trivia.
521
00:18:16,708 --> 00:18:18,142
Where you're from...
522
00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:19,477
That's what makes you
who you are.
523
00:18:19,511 --> 00:18:22,580
And you are from Pawnee.
524
00:18:22,614 --> 00:18:24,448
You're more Pawnee
than anyone I know.
525
00:18:24,482 --> 00:18:26,150
So I say,
tell them the truth,
526
00:18:26,184 --> 00:18:30,221
and trust that they're
gonna respect you for it.
527
00:18:30,255 --> 00:18:32,657
Damn it, he's right.
Well said.
528
00:18:32,691 --> 00:18:33,691
Thanks, Ron.
529
00:18:33,725 --> 00:18:36,727
You're welcome, Steve.
530
00:18:38,163 --> 00:18:40,014
Joan.
531
00:18:40,048 --> 00:18:42,366
Thanks so much for havin'
Leslie back on the program.
532
00:18:42,401 --> 00:18:45,903
Well, thank you
for getting me home last night.
533
00:18:45,937 --> 00:18:49,190
I wasn't, uh,
feeling very well.
534
00:18:49,224 --> 00:18:51,392
Because of some bad seafood
that I ate.
535
00:18:51,443 --> 00:18:55,846
Yes, that's probably
what it was.
536
00:18:55,864 --> 00:18:59,350
I'd like to apologize
to those that I've misled.
537
00:18:59,384 --> 00:19:01,352
I thought I was
telling the truth,
538
00:19:01,386 --> 00:19:03,988
but, sadly,
I was born in Eagleton.
539
00:19:04,022 --> 00:19:06,257
Wha--?
540
00:19:06,291 --> 00:19:09,627
Well, that is worse than I
ever could have hoped for.
541
00:19:09,661 --> 00:19:10,661
I learned something, Joan.
542
00:19:10,696 --> 00:19:12,396
It's not where you're born.
543
00:19:12,431 --> 00:19:14,332
It's where you're from.
544
00:19:14,866 --> 00:19:16,334
When I was nine years old,
545
00:19:16,368 --> 00:19:17,435
I broke my arm.
546
00:19:17,469 --> 00:19:19,337
Sledding on that giant hill
547
00:19:19,371 --> 00:19:21,405
behind Kernston's
rubber nipple factory.
548
00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:23,374
- You know, "nipple hill".
- Of course.
549
00:19:23,408 --> 00:19:24,675
- It gets very slippery there.
- I know that.
550
00:19:24,710 --> 00:19:26,677
- Especially when it's wet.
- Yes.
551
00:19:26,712 --> 00:19:28,763
And, Jim. Jim Kabernick.
I know Jim.
552
00:19:28,814 --> 00:19:30,181
Jim and I have gone
to school together
553
00:19:30,215 --> 00:19:31,182
since we were, like,
three years old.
554
00:19:31,216 --> 00:19:32,583
Yes, that's true.
555
00:19:32,617 --> 00:19:34,418
Do you remember when you peed
your pants in second grade?
556
00:19:34,953 --> 00:19:37,288
Why--why did you
bring that up? I said yes.
557
00:19:37,322 --> 00:19:38,522
You stuck your underwear
in your drawer,
558
00:19:38,557 --> 00:19:39,824
and you got really embarrassed,
559
00:19:39,858 --> 00:19:41,275
and then the teacher came over
and pulled them out.
560
00:19:41,326 --> 00:19:43,194
And everybody called you
"the gerbil" because
561
00:19:43,228 --> 00:19:45,696
you always smelled like
soiled wood chips?
562
00:19:45,731 --> 00:19:47,281
Leslie, for God's sake,
we're on TV.
563
00:19:47,832 --> 00:19:48,799
The point is
564
00:19:48,834 --> 00:19:50,201
you can't choose
where you were born.
565
00:19:50,235 --> 00:19:52,737
But you can choose
where you live.
566
00:19:52,771 --> 00:19:53,804
I love this town.
567
00:19:53,839 --> 00:19:56,140
I always have.
I always will.
568
00:19:56,674 --> 00:19:58,976
And that's why I wrote
a book about it.
569
00:19:59,010 --> 00:20:02,380
And that's why I'm running
for City Council.
570
00:20:04,415 --> 00:20:06,600
Look, I'm not crazy.
571
00:20:06,635 --> 00:20:07,601
I know Pawnee isn't
572
00:20:07,636 --> 00:20:10,137
Paris, or London,
or Chicago.
573
00:20:10,188 --> 00:20:11,555
But it's a great place to live.
574
00:20:11,589 --> 00:20:12,723
And work.
575
00:20:12,757 --> 00:20:15,226
And serving the goofballs
in this town
576
00:20:15,260 --> 00:20:17,311
is an honor and a privilege.
577
00:20:17,362 --> 00:20:20,030
And, yes, every town claims
its diner's waffles
578
00:20:20,065 --> 00:20:21,332
are the best in the world,
579
00:20:21,366 --> 00:20:22,766
but somewhere,
in some town,
580
00:20:22,784 --> 00:20:25,652
there really are
the best waffles in the world.
581
00:20:25,703 --> 00:20:28,456
So delicious, and rich,
and golden brown
582
00:20:28,490 --> 00:20:31,459
that anyone who tasted them
would decide
583
00:20:31,493 --> 00:20:34,445
never to leave that town.
584
00:20:34,479 --> 00:20:37,982
Somewhere,
those waffles exist.
585
00:20:38,016 --> 00:20:41,218
Why can't it be here?
586
00:20:41,253 --> 00:20:43,587
Joan put us
in her book club.
587
00:20:43,622 --> 00:20:46,622
Although I could do
without this.
588
00:20:47,772 --> 00:20:48,539
Leslie?
589
00:20:48,673 --> 00:20:50,107
Here's the thing.
I've been all over the State.
590
00:20:50,142 --> 00:20:52,777
Indianapolis, Bloomington,
Lafayette, Muncie, Gary...
591
00:20:52,811 --> 00:20:54,028
All the places you mention
in the book.
592
00:20:54,062 --> 00:20:55,196
And I interviewed
593
00:20:55,230 --> 00:20:56,981
all the people you mentioned.
594
00:20:57,015 --> 00:20:57,982
And so far,
595
00:20:58,016 --> 00:20:59,583
there is not one incorrect fact.
596
00:20:59,618 --> 00:21:01,786
So now I'm going to head
to the house, say hey to Gayle,
597
00:21:01,820 --> 00:21:03,254
wish my daughter
a happy belated birthday...
598
00:21:03,288 --> 00:21:04,388
It was yesterday...
599
00:21:04,423 --> 00:21:06,057
And then I'm gonna head back out
600
00:21:06,091 --> 00:21:07,541
and hit all the towns
in the southeast.
601
00:21:07,576 --> 00:21:09,226
But is there anything
I should know?
602
00:21:09,261 --> 00:21:12,730
Any new info?
603
00:21:12,764 --> 00:21:13,831
No.
604
00:21:13,865 --> 00:21:15,049
You're doin' great.
Godspeed.
605
00:21:15,083 --> 00:21:16,067
- Doin' what I can.
- Yep!
606
00:21:16,101 --> 00:21:17,051
Hey, Ron.
607
00:21:17,085 --> 00:21:19,053
Gotta go, Donna.
Can't talk.
608
00:21:19,087 --> 00:21:20,888
He just seemed so happy.
609
00:21:20,922 --> 00:21:22,173
I didn't say anything.
610
00:21:23,361 --> 00:21:33,778
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com