1 00:00:02,136 --> 00:00:04,172 [Kool & the Gang's Celebration] 2 00:00:04,205 --> 00:00:07,775 - * WHOO-HOO! 3 00:00:07,808 --> 00:00:09,443 - HEY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, 4 00:00:09,477 --> 00:00:10,444 FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER IN HER NEW PART-TIME JOB 5 00:00:10,478 --> 00:00:12,413 IN THE PUBLIC HEALTH DEPARTMENT AT CITY HALL, 6 00:00:12,446 --> 00:00:14,415 IT'S ANN MEREDITH PERKINS! YAY! 7 00:00:14,448 --> 00:00:16,517 - OH, LESLIE, THIS IS SO NICE! 8 00:00:16,550 --> 00:00:18,519 - I PUT POISONOUS GAS IN ONE OF THESE BALLOONS, 9 00:00:18,552 --> 00:00:20,288 SO IF ANY OF THEM POPS, YOU MAY DIE. 10 00:00:20,321 --> 00:00:22,623 - NO, APRIL, WE WOULD ALL DIE. 11 00:00:22,656 --> 00:00:24,592 GASES FILL THE VOLUME 12 00:00:24,625 --> 00:00:27,061 OF WHATEVER CONTAINER THEY'RE IN. 13 00:00:27,095 --> 00:00:28,362 SCHOOL. 14 00:00:28,396 --> 00:00:31,065 - WE HAVE ACTIVITIES EVERY HOUR ON YOUR FIRST DAY. 15 00:00:31,099 --> 00:00:32,833 10:00 A.M., ANN'S FIRST DAY WAFFLE EXPLOSION. 16 00:00:32,866 --> 00:00:35,503 11:00 A.M., THE START-PAPERWORK JAMBOREE. 17 00:00:35,536 --> 00:00:36,837 AND THEN 12:00 NOON SHARP 18 00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:39,807 IS THE INAUGURAL D-ANN-CE PARTY. 19 00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:42,276 - WELCOME TO CITY HALL, CUPCAKE! 20 00:00:42,310 --> 00:00:43,744 - HOW MANY OF YOU ARE IN HERE? 21 00:00:43,777 --> 00:00:45,746 - THERE ARE SEVEN. AND YOU HAVE AN OFFICE MATE. 22 00:00:45,779 --> 00:00:47,781 HIS NAME IS STUART, AND HE'S KIND OF A GROUCH. 23 00:00:47,815 --> 00:00:49,483 - I HAVE AN OFFICE MATE? 24 00:00:49,517 --> 00:00:51,752 - GET THESE [bleep] BALLOONS OUT OF HERE. 25 00:00:51,785 --> 00:00:54,388 - HI. I'M ANN. 26 00:00:54,422 --> 00:00:56,390 [triumphant music] 27 00:00:56,424 --> 00:01:04,498 * 28 00:01:14,642 --> 00:01:15,543 - HEY. - HEY. 29 00:01:15,576 --> 00:01:17,145 - JUST TO LET YOU KNOW, 30 00:01:17,178 --> 00:01:18,612 I GAVE THE SENIOR CENTER PROJECT TO DONNA. 31 00:01:18,646 --> 00:01:20,648 - SOUNDS GOOD. THE MEETING'S AT 2:00? 32 00:01:20,681 --> 00:01:22,150 - YES. CONFERENCE ROOM C. 33 00:01:22,183 --> 00:01:24,218 - OKAY. I THINK AT SOME POINT, 34 00:01:24,252 --> 00:01:26,687 YOU AND I SHOULD PROBABLY MAKE OUT WITH EACH OTHER. 35 00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:28,122 - YEAH, GOOD CALL. 36 00:01:28,156 --> 00:01:29,390 THE BEST PART OF ANY RELATIONSHIP 37 00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:30,391 IS THE BEGINNING. 38 00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:32,360 NO PROBLEMS, NO FIGHTS. 39 00:01:32,393 --> 00:01:35,263 JUST WHITE WINE, CUDDLING, 40 00:01:35,296 --> 00:01:39,500 AND CRAZY AMOUNTS OF HISTORY CHANNEL DOCUMENTARIES. 41 00:01:39,533 --> 00:01:41,169 - HEY, WE SHOULD TAKE SEPARATE CARS 42 00:01:41,202 --> 00:01:42,270 TO THE RESTAURANT TONIGHT. 43 00:01:42,303 --> 00:01:43,904 CHRIS IS DEADLY SERIOUS ABOUT THIS-- 44 00:01:43,937 --> 00:01:45,239 - I KNOW. 45 00:01:45,273 --> 00:01:47,208 I JUST DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT, OKAY? 46 00:01:47,241 --> 00:01:48,309 I'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT. 47 00:01:48,342 --> 00:01:49,910 - OKAY. OH, BY THE WAY, 48 00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:53,681 I HAVE A MEETING WITH MARLENE GRIGGS-KNOPE. 49 00:01:53,714 --> 00:01:55,783 IS THAT ANY RELATION? 50 00:01:55,816 --> 00:01:58,319 - NO. - OH, OKAY. 51 00:01:58,352 --> 00:02:00,688 - JUST A COINCIDENCE. WE GET IT ALL THE TIME. 52 00:02:00,721 --> 00:02:01,722 WE LAUGH ABOUT IT. 53 00:02:01,755 --> 00:02:03,457 BUT I'VE NEVER MET HER. 54 00:02:03,491 --> 00:02:04,758 SHE'S FILIPINO. - MM. 55 00:02:04,792 --> 00:02:07,728 - OKAY, BYE. 56 00:02:07,761 --> 00:02:09,863 - WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL BEN SHE'S YOUR MOTHER? 57 00:02:09,897 --> 00:02:10,831 - BECAUSE BEN AND I 58 00:02:10,864 --> 00:02:13,267 ARE IN THIS AMAZING LITTLE BUBBLE RIGHT NOW, 59 00:02:13,301 --> 00:02:15,403 AND THERE'S NO ROOM IN HERE 60 00:02:15,436 --> 00:02:17,405 FOR CHRIS' STUPID RULES ABOUT US NOT DATING 61 00:02:17,438 --> 00:02:18,572 OR MY BALL-BUSTING MOTHER. 62 00:02:18,606 --> 00:02:20,274 - OH, LESLIE, I'M SORRY, 63 00:02:20,308 --> 00:02:21,742 BUT I DON'T THINK YOU THOUGHT THIS THROUGH. 64 00:02:21,775 --> 00:02:23,611 - YOU KNOW WHAT I SHOULD DO? I SHOULD GET MY MOTHER 65 00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:25,613 A ONE-WAY TICKET TO LONDON, LEAVING TODAY. 66 00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:27,448 AND THAT WAY, BEN NEVER HAS TO MEET HER 67 00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:28,882 AND I COULD VISIT HER IN LONDON. 68 00:02:28,916 --> 00:02:30,518 EVERYBODY WINS. 69 00:02:30,551 --> 00:02:32,420 - WHAT IF HE SEES A PICTURE OF HER ON YOUR DESK? 70 00:02:32,453 --> 00:02:33,554 WHAT IF MARLENE SAYS, 71 00:02:33,587 --> 00:02:34,722 "HEY, HAVE YOU MET MY DAUGHTER LESLIE? 72 00:02:34,755 --> 00:02:36,390 SHE WORKS IN THE PARKS DEPARTMENT." 73 00:02:36,424 --> 00:02:39,460 - STUART, PLEASE, COULD YOU GIVE US LIKE 45 MINUTES? 74 00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:41,562 - IT'S MY OFFICE TOO. - STUART. 75 00:02:43,697 --> 00:02:44,865 BOY, THAT GUY WAS RUDE. 76 00:02:44,898 --> 00:02:47,368 - I FEEL THAT SOME STRUCTURAL CHANGES 77 00:02:47,401 --> 00:02:49,603 COULD REALLY UNLOCK THIS DEPARTMENT'S POTENTIAL. 78 00:02:49,637 --> 00:02:50,871 JERRY. - HMM? 79 00:02:50,904 --> 00:02:53,474 - I BELIEVE YOU ARE CAPABLE OF MUCH MORE. 80 00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:55,476 - I'M NOT. - NONSENSE. 81 00:02:55,509 --> 00:02:56,844 LOOK IN THE MIRROR. - WHAT? 82 00:02:56,877 --> 00:02:59,713 - YOU ARE AN INTELLIGENT, CHARISMATIC, 83 00:02:59,747 --> 00:03:01,615 BEAUTIFUL SUPERHERO. 84 00:03:01,649 --> 00:03:03,751 I'M MAKING YOU HEAD OF PUBLIC RELATIONS, 85 00:03:03,784 --> 00:03:06,454 WHICH MEANS YOU'LL BE LEADING THE DAILY BRIEFING SESSIONS. 86 00:03:06,487 --> 00:03:07,788 - EXCELLENT IDEA. 87 00:03:07,821 --> 00:03:09,657 THIS IS MY FAVORITE PART 88 00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:11,625 ABOUT HAVING A NEW CITY MANAGER. 89 00:03:11,659 --> 00:03:13,627 THEY ALWAYS TRY TO SHAKE THINGS UP, 90 00:03:13,661 --> 00:03:15,329 AND THEIR IDEAS ARE TERRIBLE, 91 00:03:15,363 --> 00:03:18,632 AND IT BRINGS CITY HALL TO A GRINDING HALT. 92 00:03:18,666 --> 00:03:20,301 I JUST GRAB A FEW DONUTS, 93 00:03:20,334 --> 00:03:22,503 SIT BACK, AND ENJOY THE SHOW. 94 00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:25,373 - APRIL, YOU ARE TOO VALUABLE 95 00:03:25,406 --> 00:03:27,007 TO JUST BE RON'S ASSISTANT. 96 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:29,610 SO FROM NOW ON, YOU ARE A MULTITASKING EXECUTIVE AIDE, 97 00:03:29,643 --> 00:03:31,279 ASSISTING THE ENTIRE OFFICE. 98 00:03:31,312 --> 00:03:32,546 - IS THIS A NIGHTMARE? 99 00:03:32,580 --> 00:03:34,648 APRIL, WAKE UP. 100 00:03:34,682 --> 00:03:35,816 - TOM, I JUST WANNA SAY 101 00:03:35,849 --> 00:03:38,519 THAT YOU ARE A WONDERFUL EMPLOYEE 102 00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:40,488 AND A TERRIFIC HUMAN BEING. 103 00:03:40,521 --> 00:03:41,689 - MEETING ADJOURNED! 104 00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:42,756 [laughter] 105 00:03:42,790 --> 00:03:43,924 - [laughing] TOM. 106 00:03:43,957 --> 00:03:45,593 I ENJOY YOU. 107 00:03:45,626 --> 00:03:48,296 YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I ENJOY? YOUR ENTREPRENEURIAL SPIRIT. 108 00:03:48,329 --> 00:03:50,898 - I DID RECENTLY SELL MY CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK DVD 109 00:03:50,931 --> 00:03:52,600 ON eBAY for $10. 110 00:03:52,633 --> 00:03:54,602 USED THE PROFITS TO BUY THE BLU-RAY. 111 00:03:54,635 --> 00:03:56,870 - THAT'S TERRIFIC. I HAVE AN AMAZING PROJECT 112 00:03:56,904 --> 00:03:58,005 FOR SOMEONE OF YOUR TALENTS. 113 00:03:58,038 --> 00:03:59,840 YOU ARE GOING TO DIGITIZE 114 00:03:59,873 --> 00:04:02,410 THE ENTIRE CITY ARCHIVES UP ON THE FOURTH FLOOR. 115 00:04:02,443 --> 00:04:03,611 - NO! I HATE THE FOURTH FLOOR! 116 00:04:03,644 --> 00:04:04,812 LAST TIME I WAS UP THERE, 117 00:04:04,845 --> 00:04:07,381 I SAW SOMEONE BUY CRYSTAL METH OUT OF A VENDING MACHINE. 118 00:04:07,415 --> 00:04:08,382 IT'S A BAD PLACE. 119 00:04:08,416 --> 00:04:09,917 - YOU WON'T BE ALONE. ANDY. 120 00:04:09,950 --> 00:04:11,452 STARTING NOW, 121 00:04:11,485 --> 00:04:13,387 YOU ARE NOBODY'S SHOESHINE BOY. 122 00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:17,725 STARTING NOW, YOU ARE AN ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT. 123 00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:19,727 FOR THREE WEEKS. THEN BACK TO SHOES. 124 00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:21,729 - CHRIS! [gasps] 125 00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:23,431 I WASN'T SUPER PAYING ATTENTION 126 00:04:23,464 --> 00:04:24,732 TO WHAT YOU JUST SAID THAT WE'LL BE DOING, 127 00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:27,435 BUT I WILL GIVE 110%! 128 00:04:27,468 --> 00:04:28,569 WELL, AS SOON AS YOU REPEAT YOURSELF 129 00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:30,471 IN A MORE INTERESTING WAY. 130 00:04:30,504 --> 00:04:33,607 - HEY, BEN. - HEY, WHAT'S UP? 131 00:04:33,641 --> 00:04:35,343 - NOTHING MUCH. SINCE I'M HERE, I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW 132 00:04:35,376 --> 00:04:36,844 THAT MARLENE GRIGGS-KNOPE IS MY MOM. 133 00:04:36,877 --> 00:04:39,580 - WHAT? WHAT? WHY? 134 00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:41,582 - ALSO, SHE CAN BE CRUEL AND DIFFICULT, 135 00:04:41,615 --> 00:04:43,083 AND SHE MAKES SNAP JUDGMENTS ABOUT PEOPLE 136 00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:44,718 THAT SHE HOLDS ON TO FOR A VERY LONG TIME. 137 00:04:44,752 --> 00:04:45,919 AND SHE'S KIND OF A BULLY. 138 00:04:45,953 --> 00:04:47,655 OKAY! GO IN THERE. YOU'RE GONNA BE GREAT. 139 00:04:47,688 --> 00:04:48,689 both: [gasp] - OH, GOD. OH, MY GOD. 140 00:04:48,722 --> 00:04:50,724 OH, MY GOD. I'M SORRY. HERE. SORRY! 141 00:04:50,758 --> 00:04:52,926 [door opens, closes] - HELLO. 142 00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:54,728 I'M MR. BEN WYATT. - [chuckles] 143 00:04:54,762 --> 00:04:56,730 LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT SOME SHIRT ON YOUR COFFEE. 144 00:04:56,764 --> 00:04:58,399 - YEAH. YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED? 145 00:04:58,432 --> 00:05:01,769 I SPILLED IT, BUT YOU KNOW HOW IT GOES. 146 00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:03,637 - FUN ANECDOTE. 147 00:05:03,671 --> 00:05:05,439 THE COUNTY SCHOOL DISTRICT 148 00:05:05,473 --> 00:05:06,907 NEEDS FOUR NEW SCHOOL BUSES. 149 00:05:06,940 --> 00:05:08,676 I'M BEING STONEWALLED BY THE BOARD, 150 00:05:08,709 --> 00:05:10,978 AND I'M HOPING YOUR OFFICE CAN HELP US OUT. 151 00:05:11,011 --> 00:05:12,846 - OKAY. 152 00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:14,682 - REALLY? THAT'S IT? 153 00:05:14,715 --> 00:05:18,352 - YEAH. ACTUALLY, NO. IT-- 154 00:05:18,386 --> 00:05:20,087 IT'S PROBABLY NOT POSSIBLE. 155 00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:22,089 - THEN I'M CONFUSED, BEN, 156 00:05:22,122 --> 00:05:23,657 BECAUSE YOU JUST TOLD ME IT WAS. 157 00:05:23,691 --> 00:05:24,892 FIVE SECONDS AGO. 158 00:05:24,925 --> 00:05:26,427 - [sighs] 159 00:05:26,460 --> 00:05:28,596 - I GOT A SECOND BOX OF DONUTS, IF ANYBODY-- 160 00:05:28,629 --> 00:05:29,863 [running water] 161 00:05:29,897 --> 00:05:32,032 WHAT THE [bleep] IS THIS? 162 00:05:32,065 --> 00:05:34,668 - THIS, MR. DIRECTOR, IS YOUR NEW DESK. 163 00:05:34,702 --> 00:05:36,103 - OKAY... 164 00:05:36,136 --> 00:05:37,605 - THIS DESK IS THE EPITOME 165 00:05:37,638 --> 00:05:40,541 OF THE SWEDISH CONCEPT OF JAMSTALLDHET, 166 00:05:40,574 --> 00:05:42,042 OR "EQUALITY." 167 00:05:42,075 --> 00:05:43,644 IMAGINE SOMEONE NEEDS YOUR ATTENTION. 168 00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:45,646 SOMEBODY SAY MY NAME. - CHRIS. 169 00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:47,147 - SWIVEL! 170 00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:47,948 WHAT IS IT, JERRY? 171 00:05:47,981 --> 00:05:49,683 - YOU TOLD ME TO SAY YOUR NAME. 172 00:05:49,717 --> 00:05:51,485 - AND YOU DID A GREAT JOB, SUPERSTAR. 173 00:05:51,519 --> 00:05:52,853 SOMEONE ELSE SAY SOMETHING. 174 00:05:52,886 --> 00:05:53,987 - YOU LOOK LIKE A FREAK. 175 00:05:54,021 --> 00:05:55,523 - SWIVEL! 176 00:05:55,556 --> 00:05:57,491 APRIL, THAT IS NOT A VERY GOOD ATTITUDE. 177 00:05:57,525 --> 00:05:59,793 I WILL KEEP MY EYE ON YOU 178 00:05:59,827 --> 00:06:01,562 FROM MY CIRCULAR DESK WHERE I CAN SEE EVERYTHING. 179 00:06:01,595 --> 00:06:03,831 TINY SWIVEL. SEE HOW IT WORKS? 180 00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:05,999 - WHAT ABOUT MY OFFICE 181 00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:08,469 AND ITS MANY WALLS? 182 00:06:08,502 --> 00:06:10,504 - THAT BECOMES A NEW PUBLIC WAITING ROOM. 183 00:06:10,538 --> 00:06:11,972 AND WE GOT RID OF THAT GIANT PILLAR 184 00:06:12,005 --> 00:06:14,007 THAT WAS IN FRONT OF YOUR DOOR. 185 00:06:14,041 --> 00:06:15,643 - I LOVED THAT PILLAR. 186 00:06:15,676 --> 00:06:17,578 IT MADE IT REALLY ANNOYING TO STAND IN MY DOORWAY. 187 00:06:17,611 --> 00:06:20,147 - WELL, GET OVER IT! 'CAUSE IT'S GONE. 188 00:06:20,180 --> 00:06:23,451 YOU'RE GONNA BE MORE ACCESSIBLE THAN EVER. 189 00:06:23,484 --> 00:06:25,753 [doors creak] 190 00:06:25,786 --> 00:06:28,522 [distant chattering] 191 00:06:28,556 --> 00:06:29,923 - THE FOURTH FLOOR-- SMALL CLAIMS COURT, 192 00:06:29,957 --> 00:06:32,526 DIVORCE FILINGS, STATE-ORDERED DRUG TESTS. 193 00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:34,795 IT'S SOMEHOW BOTH FREEZING AND HUMID. 194 00:06:34,828 --> 00:06:36,664 THERE'S A WHOLE ROOM ON THE FOURTH FLOOR 195 00:06:36,697 --> 00:06:38,832 WHERE THEY STORE THE KNIVES THEY'VE CONFISCATED FROM PEOPLE 196 00:06:38,866 --> 00:06:41,001 WHO WENT TO THE FOURTH FLOOR TO STAB SOMEONE. 197 00:06:41,034 --> 00:06:42,836 [x-ray machine beeps] 198 00:06:42,870 --> 00:06:45,439 - YOU FROM PARKS AND REC? - YEAH. 199 00:06:45,473 --> 00:06:47,441 - I'M HERE TO SHOW YOU AROUND. 200 00:06:47,475 --> 00:06:49,009 - OH, NICE TO MEET YOU, MA'AM. WHAT'S YOUR NAME? 201 00:06:49,042 --> 00:06:52,145 - ETHEL BEAVERS. FOLLOW ME. 202 00:06:52,179 --> 00:06:53,514 [door squeaks] 203 00:06:53,547 --> 00:06:55,115 OKAY, THIS IS YOU. 204 00:06:55,148 --> 00:06:57,618 - [gasps] WHOA! 205 00:06:57,651 --> 00:06:59,887 DOUBLE COMPUTERS? 206 00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:01,655 I GET MY OWN OFFICE PHONE. 207 00:07:01,689 --> 00:07:02,890 HELLO, WALL STREET. 208 00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:05,192 BUY MORE STOCKS. NOW. 209 00:07:05,225 --> 00:07:06,727 THIS PHONE KIND OF SMELLS LIKE A BUTT. 210 00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:08,228 - TRY NOT TO MOVE THINGS AROUND, 211 00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:09,630 'CAUSE TECHNICALLY SPEAKING, 212 00:07:09,663 --> 00:07:11,599 THIS IS STILL A CRIME SCENE. 213 00:07:11,632 --> 00:07:13,601 OH, HERE'S YOUR NAME TAGS. 214 00:07:13,634 --> 00:07:15,469 HERE. 215 00:07:15,503 --> 00:07:17,805 - ETHEL, THIS SHIRT IS FROM THEORY. 216 00:07:17,838 --> 00:07:19,707 NAME TAGS MAKE HOLES. I'M NOT WEARING THIS. 217 00:07:19,740 --> 00:07:21,509 - WELL, DO WHAT YOU WANT. 218 00:07:21,542 --> 00:07:23,611 - [laughs] BYE, ETHEL! 219 00:07:23,644 --> 00:07:24,578 - DAMN IT. 220 00:07:24,612 --> 00:07:26,614 REMIND ME NEXT TIME TO ASK HER WHERE SHE WAS 221 00:07:26,647 --> 00:07:27,715 WHEN LINCOLN GOT SHOT. 222 00:07:27,748 --> 00:07:31,685 - REMIND...TOM... ASK...SOMETHING. 223 00:07:31,719 --> 00:07:33,086 YOU GOT IT, BOSS. 224 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:35,589 - HEY! SOMEBODY MADE SOMEBODY A MIX! 225 00:07:35,623 --> 00:07:37,591 AND I DEFINITELY HEARD YOUR FEEDBACK FROM LAST TIME, 226 00:07:37,625 --> 00:07:39,593 SO I ONLY PUT FIVE SARAH MCLACHLAN SONGS 227 00:07:39,627 --> 00:07:41,595 ON THIS ONE. - COOL. 228 00:07:41,629 --> 00:07:43,631 SHOULD WE TALK ABOUT HOW YOU CLAIMED YOUR MOM 229 00:07:43,664 --> 00:07:45,633 WAS A FILIPINO WOMAN YOU'D NEVER MET? 230 00:07:45,666 --> 00:07:46,767 - SHOULD WE? 231 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,235 [sighs] 232 00:07:48,268 --> 00:07:50,538 I WAS JUST TRYING TO DELAY THE INEVITABLE. 233 00:07:50,571 --> 00:07:52,873 IF THIS TURNS INTO SOMETHING REAL, 234 00:07:52,906 --> 00:07:55,609 THEN WE ARE GONNA HAVE TO DEAL WITH CHRIS' RULE, 235 00:07:55,643 --> 00:07:58,278 AND PARENTS, AND ANNOYING FLOSSING HABITS, 236 00:07:58,311 --> 00:08:00,781 AND A LOT OF UN-FUN STUFF. 237 00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:01,882 BUT NOT YET. 238 00:08:01,915 --> 00:08:04,718 I JUST WANT TO ENJOY THE BUBBLE FOR A LITTLE WHILE. 239 00:08:04,752 --> 00:08:06,920 I'M SORRY. 240 00:08:06,954 --> 00:08:08,255 EVERYTHING'S GOOD? 241 00:08:08,288 --> 00:08:09,623 - NO, IT'S NOT. 242 00:08:09,657 --> 00:08:10,924 I WAS COMPLETELY FLUSTERED. 243 00:08:10,958 --> 00:08:12,626 I CAME OFF LIKE AN IDIOT. 244 00:08:12,660 --> 00:08:14,094 I MEAN, AT ONE POINT, FOR NO REASON, 245 00:08:14,127 --> 00:08:16,997 I JUST TOOK OFF MY SHOES AND HELD THEM IN MY HAND. 246 00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:18,165 - I'M GONNA GO ASK HER HOW IT WENT, 247 00:08:18,198 --> 00:08:19,833 AND I BET SHE LOVED YOU. 248 00:08:19,867 --> 00:08:20,934 - [sighs] 249 00:08:20,968 --> 00:08:22,636 - I LOVED HIM! 250 00:08:22,670 --> 00:08:25,639 HE'S A TOTAL PUSHOVER. 251 00:08:25,673 --> 00:08:27,908 VERY ODD GUY, THOUGH. 252 00:08:27,941 --> 00:08:31,612 HE'S LIKE A GOOFY, SPINELESS JELLYFISH. 253 00:08:31,645 --> 00:08:32,913 [laughs] 254 00:08:32,946 --> 00:08:34,682 WHY DO YOU ASK, SWEETHEART? 255 00:08:34,715 --> 00:08:36,183 - NO REASON. 256 00:08:38,586 --> 00:08:40,187 - DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. IT'S TOTALLY FINE. 257 00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:41,188 - NO, IT'S NOT FINE. 258 00:08:41,221 --> 00:08:43,023 WHAT IF SHE STARTS GOING AROUND TELLING PEOPLE 259 00:08:43,056 --> 00:08:44,091 I'M A PUSHOVER? 260 00:08:44,124 --> 00:08:45,258 - NO ONE'S GONNA BELIEVE THAT. 261 00:08:45,292 --> 00:08:46,159 WHEN I FIRST MET YOU, 262 00:08:46,193 --> 00:08:48,295 I THOUGHT YOU WERE A FASCIST HARDASS. 263 00:08:48,328 --> 00:08:50,297 - WHAT? - A CUTE FASCIST HARDASS, 264 00:08:50,330 --> 00:08:52,700 BUT STILL, YOU GIVE OFF A VERY... 265 00:08:52,733 --> 00:08:54,568 [door opens] - EDUCATION DEPARTMENT 266 00:08:54,602 --> 00:08:57,304 NOW OFFICIALLY REQUESTING TEN SCHOOL BUSES. 267 00:08:57,337 --> 00:08:59,206 - I THOUGHT THEY ONLY WANTED FOUR. 268 00:08:59,239 --> 00:09:02,576 - WELL, NOW THAT I'M A PUSHOVER, WHY NOT ASK FOR 10, OR 20, 269 00:09:02,610 --> 00:09:05,579 OR 100 NEW SCHOOL BUSES AND A FLEET OF SCHOOL YACHTS? 270 00:09:05,613 --> 00:09:06,647 HOW ABOUT THAT? - HMM. 271 00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:07,648 - HERE'S WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO. 272 00:09:07,681 --> 00:09:09,249 YOU ARE GONNA TELL ME 273 00:09:09,282 --> 00:09:11,118 EVERYTHING THERE IS TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR MOM, 274 00:09:11,151 --> 00:09:12,920 AND I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHER MEETING WITH HER, 275 00:09:12,953 --> 00:09:14,287 AND WE'RE GONNA HAVE IT OUT. 276 00:09:14,321 --> 00:09:16,223 - OR...WE COULD GO TO BELIZE 277 00:09:16,256 --> 00:09:17,357 AND GO SCUBA DIVING. 278 00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:18,959 AND WE COULD LOOK AT THE WHALE SHARKS. 279 00:09:18,992 --> 00:09:22,195 YOU'RE CERTIFIED, RIGHT? LET'S GET YOU CERTIFIED. 280 00:09:24,297 --> 00:09:26,266 - APRIL, DO YOU HAVE THAT USAGE REPORT 281 00:09:26,299 --> 00:09:27,768 THAT I ASKED FOR? 282 00:09:29,269 --> 00:09:31,104 [bang] 283 00:09:31,138 --> 00:09:34,274 - ANYTHING FOR YOU, JERRY. - THANK YOU. 284 00:09:34,307 --> 00:09:36,777 OH, COME ON! WHY? 285 00:09:36,810 --> 00:09:38,612 - EXCUSE ME. 286 00:09:38,646 --> 00:09:40,247 THERE'S A SIGN AT RAMSETT PARK 287 00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:42,750 THAT SAYS "DO NOT DRINK THE SPRINKLER WATER," 288 00:09:42,783 --> 00:09:44,184 SO I MADE SUN TEA WITH IT, 289 00:09:44,217 --> 00:09:46,186 AND NOW I HAVE AN INFECTION. 290 00:09:46,219 --> 00:09:48,021 SIR? 291 00:09:48,055 --> 00:09:49,690 SIR, ARE--ARE--ARE-- 292 00:09:49,723 --> 00:09:51,191 ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME, SIR? 293 00:09:51,224 --> 00:09:53,861 SIR, I'M TALKING TO YOU! 294 00:09:53,894 --> 00:09:55,028 SIR! 295 00:09:55,062 --> 00:09:57,197 SIR, ARE YOU AWARE 296 00:09:57,230 --> 00:09:59,299 THAT THERE IS WASTE 297 00:09:59,332 --> 00:10:01,334 IN YOUR WATER SYSTEM? 298 00:10:01,368 --> 00:10:04,738 - OKAY, YOU NEED TO BE STRONG, POWERFUL, DECISIVE. 299 00:10:04,772 --> 00:10:06,339 THIS IS NOT A MEETING. IT'S A BATTLE. 300 00:10:06,373 --> 00:10:08,308 NORMAL MEETING RULES DO NOT APPLY. 301 00:10:08,341 --> 00:10:09,843 I'LL BE MY MOM, 302 00:10:09,877 --> 00:10:11,311 AND I'M GONNA BE VERY HARSH WITH YOU, 303 00:10:11,344 --> 00:10:13,380 AND IT'S ONLY BECAUSE I LIKE YOU A LOT. 304 00:10:13,413 --> 00:10:15,716 - OKAY. - GO! 305 00:10:17,317 --> 00:10:18,919 - HELLO. - WRONG. 306 00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:20,253 - WHAT? - NO PREAMBLES. 307 00:10:20,287 --> 00:10:22,389 NO INTRODUCTIONS. JUST WALK IN AND START TALKING. 308 00:10:22,422 --> 00:10:25,826 - I'D LIKE TO DISCUSS THE NEW SCHOOL BUS. 309 00:10:25,859 --> 00:10:28,696 - I'D LIKE TO DISCUSS YOUR RHYMING, DR. SEUSS. 310 00:10:28,729 --> 00:10:30,197 AND YOU SHOULD BE SITTING BY NOW. 311 00:10:30,230 --> 00:10:32,065 - UH, WHAT? - JUST WALK IN AND TAKE A SEAT. 312 00:10:32,099 --> 00:10:33,400 - UM... 313 00:10:33,433 --> 00:10:35,135 - "UM" IS THE SOUND IN "DUMB." 314 00:10:35,168 --> 00:10:36,704 THAT'S WHAT SHE SAYS TO PEOPLE. 315 00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:38,271 AND NOW YOU'VE CROSSED YOUR LEGS LIKE A WOMAN. 316 00:10:38,305 --> 00:10:39,773 - GOD! OKAY, SHOULD WE JUST START OVER? 317 00:10:39,807 --> 00:10:41,742 - NO. NO, WE NEED TO PUT A PIN IN THIS. 318 00:10:41,775 --> 00:10:43,176 HERE IS A LIST 319 00:10:43,210 --> 00:10:45,679 OF MY MOTHER'S TOP 100 FAVORITE CONVERSATION TOPICS, 320 00:10:45,713 --> 00:10:46,880 STARTING WITH PERSIAN RUGS, 321 00:10:46,914 --> 00:10:48,015 ENDING WITH DANIEL CRAIG. 322 00:10:48,048 --> 00:10:50,417 YOU HAVE TEN MINUTES TO MEMORIZE IT. 323 00:10:50,450 --> 00:10:52,686 - DELIVERANCE THE MOVIE? - MM-HMM. 324 00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:53,987 - OH, GOD. 325 00:10:54,021 --> 00:10:56,690 - SO JERRY IS, LIKE, BASICALLY MY BOSS NOW-- 326 00:10:56,724 --> 00:10:58,291 WHICH I'M NEVER GONNA WORK FOR HIM-- 327 00:10:58,325 --> 00:11:00,828 RON'S TRAPPED IN THIS WEIRD DESK PRISON, 328 00:11:00,861 --> 00:11:03,463 AND I NOW WORK AT THIS TRAVELING IV STATION. 329 00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:05,999 [door squeaks open] - THIS MORT JANSEN'S OFFICE? 330 00:11:06,033 --> 00:11:07,267 - NOPE. 331 00:11:08,936 --> 00:11:11,071 - [sighs] 332 00:11:11,104 --> 00:11:13,373 [coffee splashing on ground] 333 00:11:13,406 --> 00:11:15,976 [glass shatters] 334 00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:19,312 TELL MORT I SAID "YOUR MOVE." 335 00:11:20,380 --> 00:11:21,414 [door squeaks open, closes] 336 00:11:21,448 --> 00:11:23,951 - OH, MY GOD. I WANNA WORK UP HERE WITH YOU GUYS. 337 00:11:23,984 --> 00:11:24,885 THIS IS AWESOME. 338 00:11:24,918 --> 00:11:26,386 - HOW MANY MORE OF THOSE STUPID DOCUMENTS 339 00:11:26,419 --> 00:11:27,254 DO YOU HAVE TO SCAN? 340 00:11:27,287 --> 00:11:28,956 - JUST THIS ONE, 341 00:11:28,989 --> 00:11:31,792 AND ALL THE ONES IN THOSE BOXES. 342 00:11:31,825 --> 00:11:33,727 - I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE PRONTO. 343 00:11:33,761 --> 00:11:35,896 TIME TO GET THOSE OLD LADIES TO DO MY WORK FOR ME. 344 00:11:35,929 --> 00:11:36,997 HOW? 345 00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:38,365 BY SHINING DOWN ON 'EM 346 00:11:38,398 --> 00:11:39,900 WITH THE HAVERFORD CHARM RAY. 347 00:11:39,933 --> 00:11:41,301 WAH-WAH WAH-WAH WAH-WAH... 348 00:11:41,334 --> 00:11:43,403 WELL, WELL, WELL, 349 00:11:43,436 --> 00:11:45,405 IF IT ISN'T ETHEL BEAVERS. 350 00:11:45,438 --> 00:11:47,440 WHAT'S UP, BEAUTIFUL? 351 00:11:47,474 --> 00:11:49,977 JULIANNE MOORE JUST CALLED. SHE WANTS HER HAIR BACK. 352 00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:54,181 - NOBODY NAMED JULIEN CALLED. 353 00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:55,448 - NEVER MIND. I JUST NEED TO ASK YOU 354 00:11:55,482 --> 00:11:57,050 A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS. 355 00:11:57,084 --> 00:12:00,387 ONE, CAN YOU HELP ME OUT WITH THIS PROJECT WE'RE DOING? 356 00:12:00,420 --> 00:12:03,356 AND, TWO, WILL YOU PLEASE INVITE ME 357 00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:05,725 TO YOUR 30TH BIRTHDAY PARTY? 358 00:12:08,195 --> 00:12:09,897 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 359 00:12:09,930 --> 00:12:11,398 - I'M MAKING A TEST CALL TO YOUR PHONE 360 00:12:11,431 --> 00:12:12,432 TO MAKE SURE IT'S WORKING 361 00:12:12,465 --> 00:12:14,968 SO YOU DON'T MISS ANY MORE CALLS. 362 00:12:15,002 --> 00:12:16,136 - YOU KNOW WHAT? DON'T BOTHER. 363 00:12:16,169 --> 00:12:17,270 MAYBE I'LL JUST FIND AN OPEN WINDOW 364 00:12:17,304 --> 00:12:20,307 AND PLUMMET TO MY DEATH. - OKAY. 365 00:12:22,109 --> 00:12:24,978 - THIS... ISN'T GONNA WORK. 366 00:12:25,012 --> 00:12:27,147 OKAY, YOU DID NOT JUST SWIVEL AWAY 367 00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:28,381 WHILE I WAS TALKING TO YOU. 368 00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:32,219 THIS SPACESHIP KEYBOARD IS DRIVING ME CRAZY. 369 00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:34,054 I'M DOWN TO ONE WORD A MINUTE, 370 00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:35,388 AND THE WORD IS "PERFLIPITUSCLUB," 371 00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:38,158 BECAUSE I CAN'T FLY SPACESHIPS. 372 00:12:38,191 --> 00:12:40,460 - DONNA, YOU KNOW AS WELL AS I DO 373 00:12:40,493 --> 00:12:42,462 THESE CITY MANAGER SHAKEUPS ALWAYS PETER OUT. 374 00:12:42,495 --> 00:12:45,332 YOU JUST HAVE TO WAIT. - USUALLY I'M WITH YOU. 375 00:12:45,365 --> 00:12:48,068 BUT THIS IS CHRIS TRAEGER, THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN. 376 00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:49,136 HE WON'T QUIT. 377 00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:51,438 SO YOU NEED TO SWIVEL YOUR ASS DOWN TO HIS OFFICE 378 00:12:51,471 --> 00:12:53,273 AND HAVE A WORD WITH HIM. 379 00:12:53,306 --> 00:12:54,407 - MOMMY. 380 00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:56,276 - OH! 381 00:12:56,309 --> 00:13:00,113 OH, THAT IS SO THOUGHTFUL OF YOU. 382 00:13:00,147 --> 00:13:01,414 - OF COURSE! 383 00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:02,983 I JUST FIGURED, HEY, 384 00:13:03,016 --> 00:13:05,118 WHY NOT PUT MY MOTHER IN A GOOD MOOD? 385 00:13:05,152 --> 00:13:06,286 - [chuckles] 386 00:13:06,319 --> 00:13:07,154 - SO IT'S MY UNDERSTANDING 387 00:13:07,187 --> 00:13:09,923 THAT DESPITE WHAT I SAID IN OUR MEETING, 388 00:13:09,957 --> 00:13:12,259 YOU HAVE SOMEHOW INCREASED YOUR REQUEST 389 00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:13,393 FOR MORE SCHOOL BUSES. 390 00:13:13,426 --> 00:13:14,327 - EXCUSE ME, 391 00:13:14,361 --> 00:13:16,997 BUT I'M HAVING COFFEE WITH MY DAUGHTER. 392 00:13:17,030 --> 00:13:18,331 MAYBE WE COULD DO THIS ANOTHER TIME. 393 00:13:18,365 --> 00:13:20,400 - NO, WE'RE GONNA TALK ABOUT THIS NOW. 394 00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:22,569 OR IF YOU'D PREFER, 395 00:13:22,602 --> 00:13:24,371 I COULD PUT A PERMANENT FREEZE ON THE EDUCATION BUDGET. 396 00:13:24,404 --> 00:13:26,206 IT'S YOUR CALL. - [scoffs] 397 00:13:26,239 --> 00:13:27,507 - WOW, MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK TO HIM, MOM. 398 00:13:27,540 --> 00:13:30,410 HE SEEMS PRETTY SELF-ASSURED. 399 00:13:31,444 --> 00:13:33,246 - THERE'S NOTHING LEFT. 400 00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:34,381 IT'S OVER. 401 00:13:34,414 --> 00:13:36,249 - HEY, HEY, HEY, DON'T SAY THAT. 402 00:13:36,283 --> 00:13:37,918 NOW, COME ON. 403 00:13:37,951 --> 00:13:39,419 GET YOURSELF TOGETHER 404 00:13:39,452 --> 00:13:40,620 AND GO OUT THERE AND BE THE WOMAN 405 00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:43,957 YOU ALWAYS KNEW YOU COULD BE. 406 00:13:43,991 --> 00:13:47,527 - [sobbing] THANK YOU SO MUCH. 407 00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:49,229 - WHO WAS THAT? 408 00:13:49,262 --> 00:13:50,397 - I DON'T KNOW. 409 00:13:50,430 --> 00:13:53,000 I SAW HER CRYING, AND SO I HELPED. 410 00:13:53,033 --> 00:13:55,302 WHAT DID YOU WANNA TALK TO ME ABOUT? 411 00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:57,337 - LOOK, CHRIS, I'M VERY FLATTERED 412 00:13:57,370 --> 00:13:59,372 YOU THOUGHT OF ME FOR THIS AMAZING OPPORTUNITY, 413 00:13:59,406 --> 00:14:02,309 BUT I DON'T REALLY KNOW IF THIS GIG IS IN MY WHEELHOUSE. 414 00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:04,644 I TEND TO WORK BEST WITH YOUNG, ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE. 415 00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:07,314 - TOM, I HAVE MADE YOU A PROJECT LEADER. 416 00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:08,515 THIS IS A BIG DEAL! 417 00:14:08,548 --> 00:14:10,617 YOU SHOULD KEEP AN OPEN MIND. 418 00:14:10,650 --> 00:14:13,320 LET YOUR BRAIN UNLOCK THE DOOR TO YOUR HEART'S FUTURE. 419 00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:15,288 I MADE THAT EXPRESSION UP WHEN I WAS 14. 420 00:14:15,322 --> 00:14:17,290 STILL IN USE TODAY. BY ME. 421 00:14:17,324 --> 00:14:19,526 GOTTA JAM. 422 00:14:19,559 --> 00:14:21,461 - YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S JUST NOT POSSIBLE. 423 00:14:21,494 --> 00:14:23,330 AND DON'T EVEN BOTHER TRYING TO OUTFLANK ME EITHER, 424 00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:24,531 BECAUSE YOU WILL FAIL. 425 00:14:24,564 --> 00:14:27,034 - WHERE DID ALL THIS CONFIDENCE COME FROM ALL OF A SUDDEN? 426 00:14:27,067 --> 00:14:29,002 - HEY, GUYS, COME ON. LET'S RELAX. 427 00:14:29,036 --> 00:14:30,670 - YOU KNOW, MS. GRIGGS-KNOPE-- - MARLENE. 428 00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:32,139 - THERE'S PROBABLY A COMPROMISE HERE. 429 00:14:32,172 --> 00:14:34,374 - "COMPROMISE IS USUALLY A SIGN OF WEAKNESS." 430 00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:36,309 - YES, IT IS, ACCORDING TO ANDREW CARNEGIE. 431 00:14:36,343 --> 00:14:38,511 BUT YOUR DEMANDS REMIND ME OF A DIFFERENT QUOTE, 432 00:14:38,545 --> 00:14:40,147 FROM THE GREAT BILL WATTERSON-- 433 00:14:40,180 --> 00:14:43,516 "YOU NEED A LOBOTOMY. I'LL GET A SAW." 434 00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:46,386 - I LOVE CALVIN AND HOBBES. 435 00:14:46,419 --> 00:14:49,022 - ME TOO! 436 00:14:49,056 --> 00:14:51,691 - I GOTTA SAY, THIS IS SOME OF MY BEST WORK. 437 00:14:51,724 --> 00:14:53,326 THIS COULD NOT HAVE GONE BETTER. 438 00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:54,327 [chuckles] 439 00:14:54,361 --> 00:14:55,462 THEY ARE REALLY HITTING IT OFF. 440 00:14:55,495 --> 00:14:58,598 THANK GOD. CRISIS AVERTED. 441 00:15:01,034 --> 00:15:04,004 - WELL, I AM VERY GLAD YOU CAME BACK UP HERE. 442 00:15:04,037 --> 00:15:05,572 - OH, YEAH, ME TOO. 443 00:15:05,605 --> 00:15:07,440 YEAH, UH... - SO YOU HAVE A DEAL. 444 00:15:07,474 --> 00:15:09,109 - WELL, LET ME MULL EVERYTHING OVER, 445 00:15:09,142 --> 00:15:13,013 AND THEN WE CAN RECONNECT AND HASH THINGS OUT. 446 00:15:13,046 --> 00:15:15,015 IT MIGHT GET ROUGH, BUT THAT CAN BE FUN. 447 00:15:15,048 --> 00:15:17,484 - BEN CAN HANDLE IT. - YUP, I CAN. 448 00:15:17,517 --> 00:15:18,952 OKAY, GREAT. 449 00:15:18,986 --> 00:15:22,122 - IT WAS A PLEASURE. - OH, MM-HMM. 450 00:15:23,490 --> 00:15:25,158 - WHAT'S SO GREAT IS SHE WAS IMPRESSED BY YOU TOO. 451 00:15:25,192 --> 00:15:26,994 I MEAN, YOU COULD TELL INSTANTLY THAT THE WAY YOU GUYS 452 00:15:27,027 --> 00:15:28,161 WERE CONNECTING WAS REALLY AMAZING. 453 00:15:28,195 --> 00:15:29,462 NOW, WHAT I'M THINKING IS THAT MAYBE 454 00:15:29,496 --> 00:15:30,563 WE SHOULD GO OVER TO HER HOUSE-- 455 00:15:30,597 --> 00:15:33,100 - YOU TWO ARE JUST THE CUTEST THINGS 456 00:15:33,133 --> 00:15:34,167 ON FOUR LEGS! 457 00:15:34,201 --> 00:15:36,336 - AW. - BUT WHY SO MUCH BLACK? 458 00:15:36,369 --> 00:15:38,138 IT'S LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO A FUNERAL. 459 00:15:38,171 --> 00:15:41,174 - SHE'S GOT A POINT, BABE. - SO MARRY HER THEN. 460 00:15:41,208 --> 00:15:42,709 - [laughs] I WISH! 461 00:15:42,742 --> 00:15:45,112 - HEY, SORRY TO INTERRUPT THE LOVE FEST, 462 00:15:45,145 --> 00:15:46,713 BUT CAN YOU HAND ME THAT FOLDER THERE, PLEASE, ETHEL? 463 00:15:46,746 --> 00:15:49,349 [thud] OH, GREAT. 464 00:15:49,382 --> 00:15:51,184 WHY YOU GOTTA BE LIKE THAT, ETHEL? 465 00:15:51,218 --> 00:15:53,353 - LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE GOT UP ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE CRIB. 466 00:15:53,386 --> 00:15:54,721 [laughter] 467 00:15:54,754 --> 00:15:56,223 - STOP LAUGHING, MURIEL. 468 00:15:56,256 --> 00:15:57,390 [laughter intensifies] 469 00:15:57,424 --> 00:15:58,691 STOP IT! 470 00:15:58,725 --> 00:16:00,727 - I GOTTA SAY, I'M A GENIUS. 471 00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:02,529 THE ONLY THING MY MOM LOVES MORE THAN MUSIC BOXES 472 00:16:02,562 --> 00:16:04,331 IS MCSTEAMY FROM GREY'S ANATOMY. 473 00:16:04,364 --> 00:16:05,632 SO I MADE HER... [music box playing] 474 00:16:05,665 --> 00:16:07,667 A MCSTEAMY-STYLE MUSIC BOX, 475 00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:09,136 AND I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU COULD GIVE IT TO HER. 476 00:16:09,169 --> 00:16:10,370 SHE WOULD LOVE YOU FOR IT. 477 00:16:10,403 --> 00:16:12,639 - I THINK MAYBE THAT'S NOT SUCH A GOOD IDEA. 478 00:16:12,672 --> 00:16:14,207 - WHY? 479 00:16:14,241 --> 00:16:16,409 I MEAN, IT'S NOT THE BEST PICTURE OF HIM, BUT... 480 00:16:16,443 --> 00:16:20,180 - [sighs] YOUR MOM KIND OF... 481 00:16:20,213 --> 00:16:22,782 UM... 482 00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:25,185 MADE A PASS AT ME. 483 00:16:25,218 --> 00:16:26,286 [music box clicks shut] 484 00:16:26,319 --> 00:16:27,387 [sighs] 485 00:16:27,420 --> 00:16:29,489 - SO WEBSTER'S DICTIONARY 486 00:16:29,522 --> 00:16:31,691 DESCRIBES A PORK AS A-- 487 00:16:31,724 --> 00:16:34,361 NO, IT'S PARK--PARK. [laughs] 488 00:16:34,394 --> 00:16:37,130 I'M SORRY. GEEZ, OKAY. SO... 489 00:16:37,164 --> 00:16:39,199 [sighs] YOU KNOW WHAT, CAN WE START OVER? 490 00:16:39,232 --> 00:16:41,401 LET'S--LET'S GO FROM THE FIRST THING I SAID--PORK-- 491 00:16:41,434 --> 00:16:43,203 WHICH, BY THE WAY, 492 00:16:43,236 --> 00:16:45,638 THEY HAVE A GREAT PORK SANDWICH IN THE CAFETERIA TODAY. 493 00:16:45,672 --> 00:16:47,807 - RON SWANSON. - CHRIS. 494 00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:50,310 YOU HAVE COME UP WITH A PLAN 495 00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:52,379 SO SPECTACULARLY HORRIBLE 496 00:16:52,412 --> 00:16:54,514 THAT IT MIGHT RUIN THE ENTIRE DEPARTMENT. 497 00:16:54,547 --> 00:16:56,049 - NOW, WAIT A MINUTE. - NO, I MEAN THAT 498 00:16:56,083 --> 00:16:57,117 AS A COMPLIMENT. 499 00:16:57,150 --> 00:16:59,286 SO IT PAINS ME TO SAY THIS-- 500 00:16:59,319 --> 00:17:01,688 MY DEPARTMENT HAS TO GO BACK TO THE WAY IT WAS. 501 00:17:01,721 --> 00:17:03,356 - GIVE 'EM TIME. THEY'LL ADJUST. 502 00:17:03,390 --> 00:17:05,825 - NO, THEY WON'T. THEY'RE MISERABLE. 503 00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:09,429 TOM ONLY PERFORMS WHEN THERE'S SOMEONE TO IMPRESS, 504 00:17:09,462 --> 00:17:11,198 SO MAROONING HIM ON FREAK ISLAND 505 00:17:11,231 --> 00:17:12,399 ISN'T HELPING ANYONE. 506 00:17:12,432 --> 00:17:15,368 AND YOU MADE APRIL ASSISTANT TO EVERYONE? 507 00:17:15,402 --> 00:17:17,337 YOU KNOW WHO APRIL HATES? 508 00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:19,306 EVERYONE. 509 00:17:19,339 --> 00:17:22,109 AND JERRY CAN ONLY FUNCTION IF NO ONE'S LOOKING. 510 00:17:22,142 --> 00:17:23,376 YOU SHINE A LIGHT ON HIM, 511 00:17:23,410 --> 00:17:26,146 AND HE SHRINKS UP FASTER THAN AN ESKIMO'S SCROTUM. 512 00:17:26,179 --> 00:17:27,614 - WELL, THAT'S VERY PERCEPTIVE, RON, 513 00:17:27,647 --> 00:17:29,716 AND VERY GRAPHIC. 514 00:17:29,749 --> 00:17:31,484 I UNDERSTAND YOUR POINT, BUT THERE'S NO WAY 515 00:17:31,518 --> 00:17:33,520 THAT I CAN JUST ROLL OVER ON THIS. 516 00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:35,855 - [groans] 517 00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:37,590 OKAY. 518 00:17:37,624 --> 00:17:39,559 YOU WON'T EVER HEAR ME SAY THIS AGAIN, 519 00:17:39,592 --> 00:17:42,195 SO SAVOR THIS MOMENT. 520 00:17:43,496 --> 00:17:46,133 I MAY HAVE A COMPROMISE. 521 00:17:46,166 --> 00:17:48,368 - LOOK, SHE WAS JUST FLIRTING A LITTLE. 522 00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:50,637 I'M SURE SHE'S NOT REALLY INTERESTED IN ME. 523 00:17:50,670 --> 00:17:52,639 - OH, MY GOD. I CAN'T EVEN HAVE THIS CONVERSATION. 524 00:17:52,672 --> 00:17:54,674 THE WHOLE THING IS SCREWED UP NOW. 525 00:17:54,707 --> 00:17:56,709 THERE'S SO MANY WAYS TO DESTROY A BUBBLE, 526 00:17:56,743 --> 00:17:59,812 BUT MY MOM FLIRTING WITH YOU IS NUMBER ONE ON THE LIST. 527 00:17:59,846 --> 00:18:02,215 AND I'M SORRY, I HAVE TO SAY THIS-- 528 00:18:02,249 --> 00:18:04,184 WERE YOU ASKING FOR IT IN ANY WAY? 529 00:18:04,217 --> 00:18:05,352 - NO. 530 00:18:05,385 --> 00:18:06,819 - HOW WERE YOU DRESSED? - OH, MY GOD. 531 00:18:06,853 --> 00:18:08,721 I WAS WEARING THIS. - HERE'S WHAT WE DO. 532 00:18:08,755 --> 00:18:10,323 YOU ISSUE A GOVERNMENT-WIDE MEMO 533 00:18:10,357 --> 00:18:12,425 ABOUT SEXUAL HARASSMENT, AND THEN YOU GO TO MEXICO. 534 00:18:12,459 --> 00:18:15,462 JUST FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS. 535 00:18:15,495 --> 00:18:17,130 WHERE ARE YOU GOING? BEN! 536 00:18:17,164 --> 00:18:19,366 BEN! WAIT. JUST K-- 537 00:18:19,399 --> 00:18:21,268 HEY. HI, MOM. 538 00:18:21,301 --> 00:18:23,503 - HI AGAIN. - LESLIE AND I ARE DATING. 539 00:18:23,536 --> 00:18:25,438 WE HAVEN'T TOLD ANYONE 540 00:18:25,472 --> 00:18:27,674 BECAUSE THERE'S A RULE AGAINST OFFICE RELATIONSHIPS, 541 00:18:27,707 --> 00:18:29,309 BUT IT'S HAPPENING. 542 00:18:29,342 --> 00:18:31,644 I'M SORRY WE DIDN'T TELL YOU BEFORE YOU TOUCHED MY KNEE, 543 00:18:31,678 --> 00:18:33,313 AND I TRUST YOU WON'T TELL ANYONE NOW, 544 00:18:33,346 --> 00:18:35,482 SINCE IT COULD GET YOUR DAUGHTER FIRED. 545 00:18:37,484 --> 00:18:42,655 - [laughs] 546 00:18:42,689 --> 00:18:44,924 [laughing] THAT IS HILARIOUS. 547 00:18:44,957 --> 00:18:47,560 - [laughs] THAT'S WHAT WE THOUGHT TOO. 548 00:18:47,594 --> 00:18:50,230 - [laughing] WELL... 549 00:18:50,263 --> 00:18:52,699 [sighs] FOUR BUSES. 550 00:18:52,732 --> 00:18:55,535 - TWO. - DEAL. 551 00:19:00,273 --> 00:19:01,408 I LIKE THIS ONE. 552 00:19:01,441 --> 00:19:03,410 - ME TOO. 553 00:19:03,443 --> 00:19:05,578 YOU KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF HIM. 554 00:19:05,612 --> 00:19:09,449 - MARGARET'S PECAN SQUARES. 555 00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:11,684 THEY ARE LIKE CRACK. I BROUGHT YOU ONE. 556 00:19:11,718 --> 00:19:13,386 - HOW ARE YOU SO HAPPY WORKING HERE? 557 00:19:13,420 --> 00:19:14,554 - I DON'T KNOW, MAN. IT'S NOT THAT BAD. 558 00:19:14,587 --> 00:19:16,223 A YEAR AGO I LIVED IN A PIT. 559 00:19:16,256 --> 00:19:18,758 NOW I GOT A JOB, AND A KICKASS WIFE, 560 00:19:18,791 --> 00:19:21,461 AND MY BAND IS SO GOOD, 561 00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:24,397 AND ARE YOU GONNA EAT THAT PECAN SQUARE? 562 00:19:27,700 --> 00:19:31,871 WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS, MAKE LEMONADE. 563 00:19:31,904 --> 00:19:34,707 I READ THAT ONCE ON A CAN OF LEMONADE. 564 00:19:34,741 --> 00:19:38,778 I LIKE TO THINK THAT IT APPLIES TO LIFE. 565 00:19:38,811 --> 00:19:40,347 - I DON'T WANT LEMONADE. 566 00:19:40,380 --> 00:19:42,482 IT'S TOO SWEET AND IT MAKES MY TONGUE FEEL GRITTY. 567 00:19:42,515 --> 00:19:44,484 SO MAYBE IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE. 568 00:19:44,517 --> 00:19:47,320 STARTING NOW, WHEN LIFE GIVES ME LEMONS, 569 00:19:47,354 --> 00:19:48,888 I'M GONNA SLICE 'EM UP INTO WEDGES. 570 00:19:48,921 --> 00:19:50,823 AND THROW 'EM INTO VODKA TONICS. 571 00:19:50,857 --> 00:19:54,227 WHICH I WILL THEN SIP IN A BURLESQUE NIGHT CLUB 572 00:19:54,261 --> 00:19:56,563 THAT I CO-OWN WITH ACTOR TAYE DIGGS 573 00:19:56,596 --> 00:19:58,798 AND TWO OF THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS. 574 00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:02,469 - HERE YOU GO. 575 00:20:02,502 --> 00:20:04,537 - THANK YOU. 576 00:20:09,442 --> 00:20:11,511 - KIND OF FIGURED YOU'D BE BACK IN YOUR OFFICE BY NOW. 577 00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:14,281 - WELL, YOU KNOW HOW NEW CITY MANAGERS ARE. 578 00:20:14,314 --> 00:20:16,749 - SEEMS LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IS BACK TO NORMAL. 579 00:20:18,318 --> 00:20:19,486 HOW LONG DO YOU HAVE TO DO THIS? 580 00:20:19,519 --> 00:20:21,754 - A WEEK. 581 00:20:21,788 --> 00:20:24,424 - CITIZEN REQUEST. SWIVEL, SWIVEL, SWIVEL. 582 00:20:24,457 --> 00:20:27,460 HELLO. I CAN HELP YOU IN HERE, SIR. 583 00:20:27,494 --> 00:20:29,962 Captioning by CaptionMax www.captionmax.com 584 00:20:33,533 --> 00:20:34,434 - OH, MAN. 585 00:20:34,467 --> 00:20:35,502 YOU'RE REALLY SCREWING THIS UP. 586 00:20:35,535 --> 00:20:37,404 I'M GONE FOR ONE DAY, 587 00:20:37,437 --> 00:20:39,439 THIS ENTIRE SHOESHINE STAND FALLS APART 588 00:20:39,472 --> 00:20:40,773 AND EVERYTHING I BUILT. 589 00:20:40,807 --> 00:20:42,442 JUMP UP HERE, I'LL SHOW YOU HOW IT'S DONE. 590 00:20:42,475 --> 00:20:44,911 SEE, YOUR PROBLEM IS YOU'RE THINKING TOO MUCH. 591 00:20:47,046 --> 00:20:48,781 - WOW, YOU'RE REALLY GOOD AT THIS. 592 00:20:48,815 --> 00:20:50,049 - YES, I AM! 593 00:20:50,082 --> 00:20:51,584 AND WHEN I COME BACK HERE IN A FEW WEEKS, 594 00:20:51,618 --> 00:20:52,852 I DON'T WANT ALL MY REGULAR CUSTOMERS 595 00:20:52,885 --> 00:20:56,423 TO NOT BE HERE WAITING FOR ME BECAUSE SOMEBODY SCREWED IT UP. 596 00:20:56,456 --> 00:20:58,491 HUH? - THANKS. 597 00:20:58,525 --> 00:21:00,360 - NO PROBLEM. 598 00:21:00,393 --> 00:21:01,361 I'LL SEE YA LATER, KID. 599 00:21:01,394 --> 00:21:02,362 - WOW. 600 00:21:02,395 --> 00:21:04,364 - [softly] MORON.