1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:02,736 - HEY, LESLIE. - HEY. 2 00:00:02,770 --> 00:00:03,804 - THANK YOU FOR THAT YEAR-OVER-YEAR MAINTENANCE 3 00:00:03,837 --> 00:00:05,606 COST ANALYSIS. THAT WAS-- THAT WAS REALLY HELPFUL. 4 00:00:05,639 --> 00:00:07,241 - YOU'RE SO WELCOME. I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU 5 00:00:07,275 --> 00:00:10,311 WHEN I WROTE IT, 'CAUSE I WAS, UM... 6 00:00:10,344 --> 00:00:13,347 - 'CAUSE I TOLD YOU I WANTED TO READ IT? 7 00:00:13,381 --> 00:00:14,415 - YEAH. [laughs] 8 00:00:14,448 --> 00:00:15,483 - THAT'S A GOOD REASON. 9 00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:18,686 OH, ANYWAY, CHRIS WANTS TO SEE US IN HIS OFFICE. 10 00:00:18,719 --> 00:00:19,753 - I GUESS WE SHOULD HEAD OVER THERE. 11 00:00:19,787 --> 00:00:21,089 - ALL RIGHT. - ALL RIGHT. 12 00:00:21,122 --> 00:00:22,390 - ALL RIGHT, COOL. - GREAT. 13 00:00:22,423 --> 00:00:23,824 - SEE YOU THERE. - I'LL SEE YOU THERE, BENJAMIN. 14 00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:25,126 BEN. - ALL RIGHT, LESLIE-MIN. 15 00:00:25,159 --> 00:00:26,827 - [laughs] - LESLIE. 16 00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:29,063 - HI, BEN. 17 00:00:29,097 --> 00:00:32,066 - OH, HEY, ANN. 18 00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:36,537 - WOW, THAT WAS THE MOST SEXUAL TENSION 19 00:00:36,570 --> 00:00:38,406 I HAVE EVER SEEN IN A CONVERSATION 20 00:00:38,439 --> 00:00:39,673 ABOUT DOCUMENTS. 21 00:00:39,707 --> 00:00:41,809 - IT CAN'T HAPPEN. WE COULD BOTH GET FIRED. 22 00:00:41,842 --> 00:00:44,078 - THAT'S A DUMB RULE. - I KNOW! 23 00:00:44,112 --> 00:00:45,646 - WELL, IF YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW IT, 24 00:00:45,679 --> 00:00:46,747 I WOULD JUST SUGGEST 25 00:00:46,780 --> 00:00:51,152 AVOIDING ONE-ON-ONE, TENSION-Y SITUATIONS WITH HIM. 26 00:00:51,185 --> 00:00:53,154 - YOU'RE RIGHT. GOOD PLAN. 27 00:00:53,187 --> 00:00:55,389 - I AM SENDING YOU TWO ON A TRIP. 28 00:00:56,557 --> 00:00:57,858 both: REALLY? 29 00:00:57,891 --> 00:00:59,560 - THE INDIANA LITTLE LEAGUE BASEBALL TOURNAMENT 30 00:00:59,593 --> 00:01:03,264 IS UPON US, AND PAWNEE HASN'T HOSTED IT IN 20 YEARS. 31 00:01:03,297 --> 00:01:05,433 SO, I WOULD LIKE YOU TWO TO GO TO INDIANAPOLIS 32 00:01:05,466 --> 00:01:06,867 AND STATE OUR CASE, 33 00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:10,171 BECAUSE YOU TWO ARE MY DYNAMIC DUO. 34 00:01:10,204 --> 00:01:14,642 PUT IT HERE. EH, EH-EH, EH... 35 00:01:14,675 --> 00:01:15,643 GO TEAM! - YEAH. 36 00:01:15,676 --> 00:01:18,646 [triumphant music] 37 00:01:18,679 --> 00:01:26,687 * 38 00:01:35,863 --> 00:01:38,332 - ANN, EVERYTHING YOU HAVE IS TOO SEXY. 39 00:01:38,366 --> 00:01:40,501 THIS IS ACTUALLY THE DRESS THAT JULIA ROBERTS WORE 40 00:01:40,534 --> 00:01:41,902 AS A PROSTITUTE IN PRETTY WOMAN. 41 00:01:41,935 --> 00:01:43,871 - I KNOW. I LOOK REALLY GOOD IN IT. 42 00:01:43,904 --> 00:01:45,739 - I NEED, LIKE, A SWEAT SUIT OR SOMETHING. 43 00:01:45,773 --> 00:01:47,908 I NEED TO SEND OUT A SIGNAL THAT NOTHING IS GONNA HAPPEN. 44 00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:49,910 - OH, THIS IS INSANE. 45 00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:52,480 IT'S SO OBVIOUS YOU'RE DYING TO BE TOGETHER. 46 00:01:52,513 --> 00:01:53,881 AND NOW YOU'RE GOING ON A ROAD TRIP? 47 00:01:53,914 --> 00:01:56,317 I MEAN, YOU GUYS COULD LITERALLY "GET A ROOM." 48 00:01:56,350 --> 00:01:58,186 - YEAH, AND I COULD LITERALLY GET A-FIRED. 49 00:01:58,219 --> 00:02:00,388 - ALL RIGHT, I WILL HELP YOU ANTI-SEDUCE HIM. 50 00:02:00,421 --> 00:02:02,323 JUST TELL ME WHAT ELSE YOU NEED. 51 00:02:02,356 --> 00:02:04,925 - I NEED TO THINK OF UNSEXY, BORING CONVERSATION TOPICS 52 00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:06,394 WE CAN TALK ABOUT IN THE CAR. 53 00:02:06,427 --> 00:02:08,396 I HAVE A FEW IDEAS. 54 00:02:08,429 --> 00:02:10,198 WE COULD DISCUSS THE NEW YORKER ARTICLE 55 00:02:10,231 --> 00:02:11,799 "THE HISTORY OF THE LADDER." 56 00:02:11,832 --> 00:02:13,167 - OKAY. 57 00:02:13,201 --> 00:02:14,468 - WE COULD TALK ABOUT DIFFERENT DORMS 58 00:02:14,502 --> 00:02:15,903 AT JOHNS HOPKINS UNIVERSITY, 59 00:02:15,936 --> 00:02:18,739 AND I COULD READ FROM MY SONICARE BOOKLET. 60 00:02:18,772 --> 00:02:20,774 - OH, I HAVE A GOOD IDEA! - WHAT? 61 00:02:20,808 --> 00:02:23,477 - WHY DON'T YOU ASK HIM ABOUT HIS PENIS? 62 00:02:25,213 --> 00:02:26,180 [phone rings] 63 00:02:26,214 --> 00:02:28,416 - PAWNEE ZOO, MONKEY SPEAKING. 64 00:02:28,449 --> 00:02:29,450 [mimics monkey chatter] 65 00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:30,884 [phone slams down] 66 00:02:30,918 --> 00:02:32,886 - OKAY, EVERYONE STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING 67 00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:34,955 AND COME WITH ME-- ALL FOUR OF YOU. 68 00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:36,890 - WHERE ARE YOU GOING? - LESLIE'S NOT HERE TODAY. 69 00:02:36,924 --> 00:02:38,292 NO BOSS. WE CAN DO WHATEVER WE WANT. 70 00:02:38,326 --> 00:02:39,893 - I'M YOUR BOSS. 71 00:02:39,927 --> 00:02:42,296 - [laughs] THAT'S A GOOD ONE, RON. 72 00:02:42,330 --> 00:02:44,498 LET'S GO, SERIOUSLY. COME ON. 73 00:02:44,532 --> 00:02:45,866 HERE'S THE SITCH. 74 00:02:45,899 --> 00:02:47,668 I DEVELOPED A DOPE NEW GAME SHOW 75 00:02:47,701 --> 00:02:49,870 WHERE I ASK COUPLES SCANDALOUS QUESTIONS, 76 00:02:49,903 --> 00:02:51,872 AND THEY HAVE TO GUESS WHAT THE OTHER ONE ANSWERED. 77 00:02:51,905 --> 00:02:54,375 I CALL THIS KNOW YA BOO. 78 00:02:54,408 --> 00:02:56,210 - OH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE NEWLYWED GAME. 79 00:02:56,244 --> 00:02:57,545 - SHUT UP, JERRY! 80 00:02:57,578 --> 00:02:58,912 IT'S NOT THE NEWLYWED GAME, OKAY? 81 00:02:58,946 --> 00:03:01,715 IT IS TOTALLY THE NEWLYWED GAME. 82 00:03:01,749 --> 00:03:03,684 BUT BIG DEAL. EVERYONE STEALS. 83 00:03:03,717 --> 00:03:05,219 MY FAVORITE MOVIE IS LOVE DON'T COST A THING, 84 00:03:05,253 --> 00:03:06,420 WITH NICK CANNON, 85 00:03:06,454 --> 00:03:07,988 WHICH IS BASED ON CAN'T BUY ME LOVE, 86 00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:10,424 WHICH IS BASED ON KRAMER VS. KRAMER 87 00:03:10,458 --> 00:03:11,825 OR SOMETHING, WHICH I THINK WAS SHAKESPEARE. 88 00:03:11,859 --> 00:03:13,861 DON'T KNOW, DON'T CARE. 89 00:03:13,894 --> 00:03:15,363 - AND WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU PLAN ON DOING 90 00:03:15,396 --> 00:03:16,464 WITH THIS GAME SHOW IDEA? 91 00:03:16,497 --> 00:03:18,866 ARE YOU GOING TO SHOVE IT UP YOUR BUTT? 92 00:03:18,899 --> 00:03:21,535 - NO, I'M GONNA TEST IT OUT ON YOU FOUR BING-BONGS 93 00:03:21,569 --> 00:03:22,636 AND WORK OUT THE KINKS, 94 00:03:22,670 --> 00:03:25,273 THEN HIRE ACTUAL ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE, AND MAKE A DEMO. 95 00:03:25,306 --> 00:03:27,608 - WHAT NETWORK IS GONNA BUY A GAME SHOW FROM YOU? 96 00:03:27,641 --> 00:03:29,577 - THERE'S A MILLION NETWORKS OUT THERE, 97 00:03:29,610 --> 00:03:30,844 AND THEY ALL NEED PROGRAMMING. 98 00:03:30,878 --> 00:03:33,781 SPIKE, G4, GSN, FUSE, 99 00:03:33,814 --> 00:03:35,349 WOW, BOOM, ZIP, KABLAM, 100 00:03:35,383 --> 00:03:37,951 SLURP, SLURP LATIN, SLURP HD. 101 00:03:37,985 --> 00:03:39,520 - I LOVE SLURP HD. 102 00:03:39,553 --> 00:03:41,322 HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN ULTIMATE BATTLE SMOOTHIE? 103 00:03:41,355 --> 00:03:42,956 - THAT'S A DOPE SHOW. - OH, MY GOD. 104 00:03:42,990 --> 00:03:45,959 - YEAH, SO, BASICALLY EVERY DORM ALLOWS BED LOFTING, 105 00:03:45,993 --> 00:03:47,761 BUT THE STUDENTS HAVE REALLY TAKEN TO IT 106 00:03:47,795 --> 00:03:48,929 AT WOLMAN AND McCOY. 107 00:03:48,962 --> 00:03:50,731 - DID YOU GO TO JOHNS HOPKINS? 108 00:03:50,764 --> 00:03:52,600 - NO. 109 00:03:52,633 --> 00:03:55,736 - DO YOU WANNA PLAY SOME MUSIC? 110 00:03:55,769 --> 00:03:58,972 - SURE! ANN AND I BURNED AN AWESOME CD FOR THE TRIP. 111 00:03:59,006 --> 00:04:01,041 - JIMMY CARTER'S CRISIS OF CONFIDENCE SPEECH, 112 00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:03,277 LEARNING TO SPEAK MANDARIN, 113 00:04:03,311 --> 00:04:06,447 16 MINUTES OF OLD TIMEY CAR HORN, 114 00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:10,684 AND SOMETHING CALLED BANJO BOOGIE BONANZA. 115 00:04:10,718 --> 00:04:14,322 [banjo music playing] 116 00:04:14,355 --> 00:04:16,457 - IT'S AN AMAZING INSTRUMENT, THE BANJO. 117 00:04:16,490 --> 00:04:18,025 - YEAH. 118 00:04:18,058 --> 00:04:20,528 I DIDN'T REALIZE IT--IT COULD BE THIS LOUD. 119 00:04:23,831 --> 00:04:25,866 - HELLO? 120 00:04:25,899 --> 00:04:27,735 HELLO? 121 00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:29,670 - CAN I HELP YOU? 122 00:04:29,703 --> 00:04:30,938 - HI. MY CLASS IS HERE ON A FIELD TRIP, 123 00:04:30,971 --> 00:04:34,508 AND I'M SUPPOSED TO INTERVIEW SOMEONE FOR A SCHOOL PROJECT. 124 00:04:34,542 --> 00:04:36,910 - OKAY. YOU CAN WAIT AT THAT TABLE, 125 00:04:36,944 --> 00:04:40,948 AND SOMEONE WILL BE HERE SOMETIME. 126 00:04:40,981 --> 00:04:42,716 - BUT AREN'T YOU HERE NOW? 127 00:04:44,017 --> 00:04:46,987 - NO. 128 00:04:47,020 --> 00:04:48,689 - * BA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA * 129 00:04:48,722 --> 00:04:51,625 IT'S TIME TO KNOW YA... 130 00:04:53,394 --> 00:04:55,062 I DON'T HAVE THE INSTRUMENTAL BACKING TRACK YET, 131 00:04:55,095 --> 00:04:56,797 BUT IT'S GONNA SAY "BOO" RIGHT THERE. 132 00:04:56,830 --> 00:04:57,998 [canned applause plays] HEY, EVERYBODY! 133 00:04:58,031 --> 00:04:59,800 WELCOME TO KNOW YA BOO. 134 00:04:59,833 --> 00:05:01,402 I'M YOUR HOST, TOM HAVERFORD, 135 00:05:01,435 --> 00:05:04,905 AND WITH ME AS ALWAYS IS MY CGI PUPPY CO-HOST, 136 00:05:04,938 --> 00:05:06,640 BOBBY THE BOO! 137 00:05:06,674 --> 00:05:08,409 [mimics dog bark] HEY, EVERYBODY! 138 00:05:08,442 --> 00:05:10,444 ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET TO IT. 139 00:05:10,478 --> 00:05:12,546 FIRST QUESTION-- 140 00:05:12,580 --> 00:05:14,915 FELLAS, WHICH ROCK STAR WOULD YOUR LADY BANG 141 00:05:14,948 --> 00:05:17,084 IF SHE COULD BANG ONE ROCK STAR? 142 00:05:17,117 --> 00:05:18,852 JERRY! 143 00:05:18,886 --> 00:05:22,856 - I BELIEVE I HAVE HEARD DONNA TALK ABOUT PRINCE A LOT. 144 00:05:22,890 --> 00:05:24,024 - WHAT'D YOUR BOO SAY? 145 00:05:24,057 --> 00:05:27,094 - AH! [laughter] 146 00:05:27,127 --> 00:05:28,462 IMPRESSIVE! - HEE HEE! 147 00:05:28,496 --> 00:05:30,063 ALL RIGHT, ANDY, 148 00:05:30,097 --> 00:05:31,865 WHICH ROCK STAR WOULD YOUR LADY GET WITH? 149 00:05:31,899 --> 00:05:34,902 - UM, THIS IS ALMOST TOO EASY--ME! 150 00:05:34,935 --> 00:05:36,737 - LET'S CHECK IN WITH YA BOO! 151 00:05:36,770 --> 00:05:38,906 - YAY! - OH! 152 00:05:38,939 --> 00:05:41,108 [canned audience groan] - SORRY. 153 00:05:41,141 --> 00:05:43,043 - WHO IS JEFF MANGUM? 154 00:05:43,076 --> 00:05:44,778 - THE GUY FROM NEUTRAL MILK HOTEL. 155 00:05:44,812 --> 00:05:46,947 - OH! OH. 156 00:05:46,980 --> 00:05:49,417 NEUTRAL MILK HOTEL. WHAT IS THAT? 157 00:05:49,450 --> 00:05:50,618 - THAT'S MY FAVORITE BAND. 158 00:05:50,651 --> 00:05:51,919 I'VE TOLD YOU THAT, LIKE, A THOUSAND TIMES. 159 00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:54,722 - I DON'T REMEMBER. WHY WOULDN'T YOU PICK ME? 160 00:05:54,755 --> 00:05:57,024 - I DON'T KNOW. YOU'RE NOT TECHNICALLY A ROCK STAR. 161 00:05:57,057 --> 00:05:59,026 [audience gasps] - BOOYAH! 162 00:05:59,059 --> 00:06:00,628 SOMEBODY DON'T KNOW THEIR BOO! 163 00:06:00,661 --> 00:06:01,995 THAT'S THE SOUND BITE THAT'S GONNA PLAY 164 00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:03,431 WHEN A FIGHT BREAKS OUT. 165 00:06:03,464 --> 00:06:05,933 - LOOK, LITTLE GIRL, 166 00:06:05,966 --> 00:06:08,001 CAN WE POSTPONE THIS FOR ANOTHER DAY? 167 00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:10,538 IT'S UNSETTLING HAVING YOU JUST SIT THERE. 168 00:06:10,571 --> 00:06:12,540 - BUT MY REPORT'S DUE TOMORROW. 169 00:06:12,573 --> 00:06:14,975 - WHAT'S IT ON? - WHY GOVERNMENT MATTERS. 170 00:06:15,008 --> 00:06:17,010 - REALLY? 171 00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:18,846 IT'S NEVER TOO EARLY TO LEARN 172 00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:21,048 THAT THE GOVERNMENT IS A GREEDY PIGLET 173 00:06:21,081 --> 00:06:23,016 THAT SUCKLES ON A TAXPAYER'S TEAT 174 00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:26,386 UNTIL THEY HAVE SORE, CHAPPED NIPPLES. 175 00:06:29,089 --> 00:06:30,458 I'M GONNA NEED A DIFFERENT METAPHOR 176 00:06:30,491 --> 00:06:32,626 TO GIVE THIS NINE-YEAR-OLD. 177 00:06:32,660 --> 00:06:34,027 WHAT'S YOUR NAME, MA'AM? 178 00:06:34,061 --> 00:06:35,128 - LAUREN BERKUS. 179 00:06:35,162 --> 00:06:38,499 - LAUREN, MY NAME IS RON SWANSON, 180 00:06:38,532 --> 00:06:41,068 AND I'M GONNA TELL YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW 181 00:06:41,101 --> 00:06:43,003 ABOUT THE MISERABLE, SCREWED-UP WORLD 182 00:06:43,036 --> 00:06:45,138 OF LOCAL GOVERNMENT. 183 00:06:45,172 --> 00:06:47,007 - YOU HAVE MUSTARD IN YOUR MOUSTACHE. 184 00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:50,611 - DON'T SASS ME, BERKUS. LET'S GET STARTED. 185 00:06:50,644 --> 00:06:54,815 "LIFE, LIBERTY, AND PROPERTY." THAT'S JOHN LOCKE. 186 00:06:54,848 --> 00:06:57,651 [whales calling] 187 00:06:57,685 --> 00:06:58,919 - WHAT IS THIS? 188 00:06:58,952 --> 00:07:00,721 - WHALE SOUNDS. 189 00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:01,922 - OKAY. 190 00:07:01,955 --> 00:07:03,857 - YOU CAN CHANGE IT IF YOU WANT. 191 00:07:03,891 --> 00:07:05,225 - YEAH? 192 00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:07,761 [Al Green's Let's Stay Together playing] 193 00:07:07,795 --> 00:07:08,762 - WHAT THE HELL? 194 00:07:08,796 --> 00:07:10,831 - OH, NO, NO, NO. THIS IS SUCH A GREAT SONG. 195 00:07:11,965 --> 00:07:15,603 - YEAH, I SNUCK AN AL GREEN SONG IN THERE. 196 00:07:15,636 --> 00:07:17,204 I WANT THEM TO GET TOGETHER. 197 00:07:17,237 --> 00:07:18,772 SUE ME. 198 00:07:18,806 --> 00:07:19,940 - DID YOU SEE THIS? 199 00:07:19,973 --> 00:07:21,074 ACCORDING TO THEIR RULES, 200 00:07:21,108 --> 00:07:23,176 WE MAY NOT HAVE ENOUGH HOTEL ROOMS WITHIN CITY LIMITS. 201 00:07:23,210 --> 00:07:24,878 - I KNOW. IT'S A SILLY RULE. 202 00:07:24,912 --> 00:07:27,047 BUT MAYBE THEY'LL BE REASONABLE AND NOT CARE. 203 00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:28,982 - YEAH, MAYBE WE COULD JUST POINT OUT TO THEM 204 00:07:29,016 --> 00:07:31,151 THERE ARE TONS OF HOTEL ROOMS JUST OUTSIDE CITY LIMITS. 205 00:07:31,184 --> 00:07:32,686 - UH-HUH. 206 00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:34,788 - HAVE YOU BEEN TO THE GRANDVILLE HOTEL AND SPA? 207 00:07:34,822 --> 00:07:37,925 - UH-UH. - THEY HAVE THE SOFTEST TOWELS. 208 00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:40,060 - OH, I GOTTA TELL YA. I LOVE A NICE TOWEL IN MY LIFE. 209 00:07:40,093 --> 00:07:41,529 - ME TOO. I KNOW. 210 00:07:41,562 --> 00:07:42,996 - IT'S--I MEAN, IT'S THE SIMPLEST LUXURY, 211 00:07:43,030 --> 00:07:44,565 BUT IT MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE. 212 00:07:44,598 --> 00:07:45,966 - THEIR BATH MATS ARE AMAZING. 213 00:07:45,999 --> 00:07:47,601 IT'S LIKE STEPPING ON A LAMB. 214 00:07:47,635 --> 00:07:50,003 [laughter] 215 00:07:50,037 --> 00:07:52,940 - OH, HOLD ON. HEY, COME HERE. 216 00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:56,176 YOU'VE GOT AN EYELASH ON YOUR FACE. 217 00:07:56,209 --> 00:07:58,779 I GOT IT. MAKE A WISH. 218 00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:01,048 - LEARNING TO SPEAK MANDARIN, UNIT THREE... 219 00:08:01,081 --> 00:08:02,950 - GET AWAY FROM ME. - SORRY. 220 00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:04,552 - I'M SORRY. - SORRY. 221 00:08:04,585 --> 00:08:05,886 - UM... - UM... 222 00:08:05,919 --> 00:08:07,621 - I'M ALLERGIC TO FINGERS. 223 00:08:07,655 --> 00:08:09,890 - WHERE ARE YOU GOING? [speaks Mandarin] 224 00:08:09,923 --> 00:08:11,625 - MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST NOT TALK TO EACH OTHER 225 00:08:11,659 --> 00:08:12,993 FOR THE REST OF THE TRIP, 226 00:08:13,026 --> 00:08:14,895 AND I'M JUST GONNA CONCENTRATE ON THE PRESENTATION. 227 00:08:14,928 --> 00:08:16,163 - OKAY. 228 00:08:16,196 --> 00:08:19,066 - THIS IS MY LITTLE BROTHER. [speaks Mandarin] 229 00:08:22,169 --> 00:08:25,639 - NEXT UP, THE DELEGATION FROM PAWNEE, PLEASE! 230 00:08:25,673 --> 00:08:28,108 - AND, SO, AS YOU CAN SEE, 231 00:08:28,141 --> 00:08:30,277 PAWNEE HAS 12 BEAUTIFUL BASEBALL DIAMONDS, 232 00:08:30,310 --> 00:08:32,813 AND OUR SEATS HAVE EXTRA CUSHIONING 233 00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:35,115 DUE TO THE MASSIVE SIZE OF OUR AVERAGE CITIZEN. 234 00:08:35,148 --> 00:08:37,250 - I HAVE TO BRING UP WHAT HAPPENED 235 00:08:37,284 --> 00:08:39,319 THE LAST TIME PAWNEE HOSTED THIS TOURNAMENT. 236 00:08:39,352 --> 00:08:40,788 - NO, YOU DON'T. 237 00:08:40,821 --> 00:08:42,022 - GOOD EVENING. 238 00:08:42,055 --> 00:08:44,024 WE BEGIN WITH OUR FIRST STORY TONIGHT. 239 00:08:44,057 --> 00:08:45,726 THEY'RE CUTE, THEY'RE CUDDLY, 240 00:08:45,759 --> 00:08:47,294 BUT NOW THEY'RE WREAKING HAVOC 241 00:08:47,327 --> 00:08:49,196 AT THE STATE LITTLE LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIP. 242 00:08:49,229 --> 00:08:51,665 PAWNEE'S RACCOON INFESTATION. 243 00:08:51,699 --> 00:08:53,033 [children screaming] 244 00:08:53,066 --> 00:08:54,602 - HAVE THESE LITTLE BANDITS STOLEN 245 00:08:54,635 --> 00:08:56,570 OUR SENSE OF SAFETY? 246 00:08:56,604 --> 00:08:58,972 - THE RACCOON PROBLEM IS UNDER CONTROL. 247 00:08:59,006 --> 00:09:00,273 THEY HAVE THEIR PART OF THE TOWN, 248 00:09:00,307 --> 00:09:01,341 AND WE HAVE OURS. 249 00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:04,578 - MUNCIE IS LARGER. BLOOMINGTON IS MORE CENTRAL. 250 00:09:04,612 --> 00:09:07,080 WHAT'S THE ADVANTAGE OF DOING IT IN PAWNEE? 251 00:09:07,114 --> 00:09:10,918 - THE ADVANTAGE IS THAT IT'S A WONDERFUL CITY. 252 00:09:10,951 --> 00:09:13,186 I MEAN, LOOK, I'VE BEEN TO 40 SOME ODD TOWNS 253 00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:15,288 IN INDIANA, 254 00:09:15,322 --> 00:09:17,257 AND PAWNEE IS SPECIAL. 255 00:09:17,290 --> 00:09:19,727 I MEAN, THE PEOPLE ARE PASSIONATE AND KIND. 256 00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:21,595 THEY LOVE THEIR CITY. 257 00:09:21,629 --> 00:09:25,298 THEY TAKE PRIDE IN THEIR WORK. 258 00:09:25,332 --> 00:09:28,702 IT'S A VERY, VERY SPECIAL PLACE. 259 00:09:30,303 --> 00:09:32,673 [theme song for Know Ya Boo plays] 260 00:09:32,706 --> 00:09:35,609 - HEY, IT'S TOM HAVERFORD BACK HERE WITH KNOW YA BOO. 261 00:09:35,643 --> 00:09:37,310 LET'S MOVE TO THE NEXT QUESTION. 262 00:09:37,344 --> 00:09:40,948 WHERE IS YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO SMUSH YA BOO? 263 00:09:40,981 --> 00:09:43,383 DONNA! - BACK OF MY BENZ? 264 00:09:43,416 --> 00:09:45,886 - LET'S CHECK IN WITH YA BOO! 265 00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:47,054 HER SAID HER MERCEDES! 266 00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:49,022 - [laughs] - [laughs, cheers] 267 00:09:49,056 --> 00:09:50,323 - JERRY AND DONNA ON FIRE. 268 00:09:50,357 --> 00:09:53,193 APRIL? - THIS QUESTION IS GROSS. 269 00:09:53,226 --> 00:09:55,228 - THAT'S KIND OF THE POINT. WHAT'S YOUR ANSWER? 270 00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:59,066 - IN OUR BED, I GUESS. - ANDY? 271 00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:00,901 WHERE'S YOUR BOO'S FAVORITE PLACE TO SMUSH? 272 00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:03,203 - AT THE NEUTRAL MILK HOTEL. [audience "awws"] 273 00:10:03,236 --> 00:10:05,338 - GET OVER IT. - NO, YOU GET OVER IT. 274 00:10:05,372 --> 00:10:06,640 YOU LIKE SOME OTHER DUDE'S BAND MORE THAN ME. 275 00:10:06,674 --> 00:10:07,875 DO YOU EVEN THINK THAT MOUSE RAT 276 00:10:07,908 --> 00:10:09,209 IS THE GREATEST BAND IN THE WORLD? 277 00:10:09,242 --> 00:10:10,744 'CAUSE IT'S STARTING TO NOT FEEL THAT WAY. 278 00:10:10,778 --> 00:10:12,079 - THAT BAND IS REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME, 279 00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:13,814 AND, HONESTLY, I'VE ASKED YOU TO LISTEN TO THEM, 280 00:10:13,847 --> 00:10:14,982 LIKE, A MILLION TIMES, AND YOU NEVER HAVE, SO-- 281 00:10:15,015 --> 00:10:17,417 - 'CAUSE THEIR MUSIC IS SAD, AND DEPRESSING, AND WEIRD. 282 00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:21,054 AND ART IS SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY AND FUN, 283 00:10:21,088 --> 00:10:22,289 AND EVERYONE KNOWS THAT. 284 00:10:22,322 --> 00:10:24,224 YOU KNOW WHAT? WHATEVER. FORGET IT. 285 00:10:24,257 --> 00:10:26,159 [audience groans] 286 00:10:26,193 --> 00:10:28,061 - FINE, FORGET IT. 287 00:10:28,095 --> 00:10:30,363 - DAMN! THIS GAME'S GOT JUICE. 288 00:10:30,397 --> 00:10:33,867 - THIS IS YOUR LUNCH. 289 00:10:33,901 --> 00:10:36,236 NOW, YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO WITH THIS, 290 00:10:36,269 --> 00:10:37,070 RIGHT? 291 00:10:37,104 --> 00:10:39,372 IF YOU WANNA EAT ALL OF IT, GREAT. 292 00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:40,941 IF YOU WANNA THROW IT AWAY IN THE GARBAGE, 293 00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:42,242 THAT'S YOUR PREROGATIVE. 294 00:10:42,275 --> 00:10:45,278 BUT HERE I COME, THE GOVERNMENT... 295 00:10:48,816 --> 00:10:52,352 AND I GET TO TAKE 40 PERCENT OF YOUR LUNCH. 296 00:10:54,287 --> 00:10:57,324 AND THAT, LAUREN, IS HOW TAXES WORK. 297 00:10:57,357 --> 00:11:00,027 - BUT THAT'S NOT FAIR. - YOU'RE LEARNING. 298 00:11:00,060 --> 00:11:03,897 UH-OH, CAPITAL GAINS TAX. 299 00:11:04,898 --> 00:11:06,734 - WELL, CHRIS SAYS CONGRATULATIONS 300 00:11:06,767 --> 00:11:09,302 AND THAT TOGETHER WE'RE UNSTOPPABLE. 301 00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:11,304 - WOW, CHEERS, SIR! - YUP. 302 00:11:11,338 --> 00:11:12,840 - YOU DID IT. - NO, YOU DID IT. 303 00:11:12,873 --> 00:11:14,842 - NO, NORMALLY I DO IT. 304 00:11:14,875 --> 00:11:16,176 THIS TIME YOU DID IT. 305 00:11:16,209 --> 00:11:17,778 - NO. - YOU SHOULD TAKE THE PRAISE. 306 00:11:17,811 --> 00:11:19,713 - [murmurs] - CAN I GET A SHOT OF YOU GUYS? 307 00:11:19,747 --> 00:11:21,114 - YEAH. - SURE. 308 00:11:21,148 --> 00:11:22,783 [laughs] 309 00:11:22,816 --> 00:11:24,317 - UH, HEY, WHEN THIS THING'S OVER, 310 00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:26,319 DO YOU WANNA GRAB SOME DINNER? 311 00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:27,921 UH, CHRIS RECOMMENDED A PLACE. 312 00:11:27,955 --> 00:11:30,490 - SURE. - YEAH? 313 00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:32,760 - UM, HEY, WE WERE THINKING ABOUT GOING TO DINNER, 314 00:11:32,793 --> 00:11:34,094 PHOTOGRAPHER. 315 00:11:34,127 --> 00:11:35,929 YOU WANT IN? YOU WANNA GRAB SOME GRUB? 316 00:11:35,963 --> 00:11:38,732 - UH, NO, THANKS. - THEY HAVE GREAT BURGERS. 317 00:11:38,766 --> 00:11:40,901 - WELL, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE WE'RE GOING YET, SO... 318 00:11:40,934 --> 00:11:42,870 - I'M SURE THEY HAVE GREAT BURGERS THERE, THOUGH. 319 00:11:42,903 --> 00:11:45,372 COME ON, PHOTOGRAPHER. LAST CHANCE. 320 00:11:45,405 --> 00:11:47,207 [sighs] UH, OKAY. 321 00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:48,909 WELL, THEN, IT'S JUST US THEN. 322 00:11:48,942 --> 00:11:51,879 - YEAH. - SURE. OKAY. I TRIED. 323 00:11:51,912 --> 00:11:55,382 - AND THAT, LAUREN, IS HOW FDR RUINED THIS COUNTRY. 324 00:11:55,415 --> 00:11:58,218 - LAUREN, READY TO HEAD BACK? 325 00:11:58,251 --> 00:12:00,921 - WELL, I GUESS IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO HEAD HOME. 326 00:12:00,954 --> 00:12:03,090 I'VE REALLY ENJOYED TALKING WITH YOU. 327 00:12:03,123 --> 00:12:05,292 YOU ARE-- AND THIS IS NOT A JOKE-- 328 00:12:05,325 --> 00:12:07,327 MUCH SMARTER THAN MOST OF THE PEOPLE 329 00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:08,361 WHO WORK IN THIS BUILDING. 330 00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:11,364 - I LIKED TALKING WITH YOU, TOO, MR. SWANSON. 331 00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:12,866 - RON. 332 00:12:12,900 --> 00:12:15,769 HANG ON, HANG ON, I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU. 333 00:12:17,304 --> 00:12:20,207 THIS IS A CLAYMORE LAND MINE. 334 00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:23,076 USE THAT TO PROTECT YOUR PROPERTY. 335 00:12:23,110 --> 00:12:25,946 - THANKS, RON. - YOU GOT IT. 336 00:12:28,348 --> 00:12:31,018 - TOMMY HILFIGER iPHONE APP FINALLY. 337 00:12:31,051 --> 00:12:33,353 - HEY, YOUR STUPID KNOW YOUR BOO GAME 338 00:12:33,386 --> 00:12:35,222 MADE ME AND ANDY GET IN A BIG FIGHT. 339 00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:36,523 HE JUST SOLD HIS GUITAR, 340 00:12:36,556 --> 00:12:38,291 AND HE'S, LIKE, QUITTING MUSIC NOW. 341 00:12:38,325 --> 00:12:41,128 - WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT? 342 00:12:41,161 --> 00:12:44,131 OKAY, WELCOME TO THE SUPER AWESOME BONUS LIGHTNING ROUND. 343 00:12:44,164 --> 00:12:45,332 FIRST QUESTION-- 344 00:12:45,365 --> 00:12:49,102 ANDY, WHO DID YOUR BOO SAY MAKES THE BEST MAC AND CHEESE 345 00:12:49,136 --> 00:12:50,237 IN THE UNIVERSE? 346 00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:53,306 - [sighs] THE UNIVERSE? 347 00:12:53,340 --> 00:12:56,009 OOH. KRAFT? 348 00:12:56,043 --> 00:13:00,013 - APRIL SAID...ANDY! - AW. 349 00:13:00,047 --> 00:13:01,982 - BEST COUPLE EVER. YOU JUST WON 50 POINTS. 350 00:13:02,015 --> 00:13:03,283 - WAIT, WHY? WE GOT IT WRONG. 351 00:13:03,316 --> 00:13:05,385 - NEXT LIGHTNING ROUND THING. 352 00:13:05,418 --> 00:13:09,556 WHO IS THE NUMBER ONE COLTS FAN IN THE WORLD? 353 00:13:11,558 --> 00:13:13,226 - WAIT A MINUTE. 354 00:13:13,260 --> 00:13:15,362 YOU SET THIS WHOLE THING UP SO I WOULD BE UN-MAD AT YOU. 355 00:13:15,395 --> 00:13:17,330 WELL, GUESS WHAT, AIN'T GONNA WORK. 356 00:13:17,364 --> 00:13:19,466 - YOU FIGURED OUT APRIL'S TRYING TO TRICK YOU. 357 00:13:19,499 --> 00:13:21,134 THAT'S WORTH 100 POINTS. 358 00:13:21,168 --> 00:13:24,437 - [laughs] WAIT, NO. 359 00:13:24,471 --> 00:13:26,473 GOOD-BYE. 360 00:13:26,506 --> 00:13:30,010 - [giggling] 361 00:13:30,043 --> 00:13:32,279 YOU WERE REALLY GREAT IN THAT PRESENTATION TODAY. 362 00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:33,246 - OH, THANKS. 363 00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:34,982 - I LIKED THE STUFF YOU SAID ABOUT PAWNEE. 364 00:13:35,015 --> 00:13:36,583 THAT WAS REALLY NICE TO HEAR. 365 00:13:36,616 --> 00:13:38,318 - YOU KNOW, PAWNEE IS A REALLY SPECIAL TOWN. 366 00:13:38,351 --> 00:13:41,254 I, UH, LOVE LIVING THERE. 367 00:13:41,288 --> 00:13:43,957 AND, UM... 368 00:13:43,991 --> 00:13:46,026 AND I LOOK FORWARD TO THE MOMENTS IN MY DAY 369 00:13:46,059 --> 00:13:50,097 WHERE I--I--WHERE I GET TO HANG OUT WITH THE TOWN 370 00:13:50,130 --> 00:13:52,866 AND TALK TO THE TOWN ABOUT STUFF. 371 00:13:52,900 --> 00:13:56,069 AND THE TOWN HAS REALLY NICE BLOND HAIR, TOO, 372 00:13:56,103 --> 00:13:58,638 AND HAS READ A SHOCKING NUMBER OF POLITICAL BIOGRAPHIES 373 00:13:58,671 --> 00:14:00,507 FOR A TOWN, WHICH I LIKE. 374 00:14:00,540 --> 00:14:03,376 - OH, GOD. - I'M SORRY. 375 00:14:03,410 --> 00:14:04,644 AND I KNOW WE CAN GET INTO TROUBLE, 376 00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:07,347 BUT I-I--I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE, 377 00:14:07,380 --> 00:14:10,283 AND I FEEL LIKE WE HAVE TO AT LEAST TALK ABOUT IT. 378 00:14:10,317 --> 00:14:12,619 I MEAN, IT'S NOT JUST ME, RIGHT? 379 00:14:12,652 --> 00:14:15,388 - NO, IT'S NOT JUST YOU. 380 00:14:20,093 --> 00:14:21,128 OH, GOD. 381 00:14:21,161 --> 00:14:22,562 - WHAT? ARE YOU--ARE-- - UGH. 382 00:14:22,595 --> 00:14:24,331 - ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? - PERFECT. 383 00:14:24,364 --> 00:14:26,066 I'M GONNA GO SEE A MAN ABOUT SOME PORCELAIN, 384 00:14:26,099 --> 00:14:27,134 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 385 00:14:27,167 --> 00:14:28,635 I'M NOT BUYING COCAINE. I'M GOING TO THE BATHROOM. 386 00:14:28,668 --> 00:14:30,337 THE WHIZ PALACE, AS I LIKE TO CALL IT. 387 00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:32,539 AND I'M NOT CALLING ANN, SO... 388 00:14:32,572 --> 00:14:34,942 ANN, WE HAVE A SERIOUS CODE BEN. 389 00:14:34,975 --> 00:14:36,476 - WELL, IT'S NOT REALLY CODE IF YOU SAY HIS NAME. 390 00:14:36,509 --> 00:14:38,145 - HE TOLD ME THAT HE LIKED ME, 391 00:14:38,178 --> 00:14:39,947 AND I'M GONNA GO MAKE OUT WITH HIM RIGHT NOW 392 00:14:39,980 --> 00:14:41,281 ON HIS FACE. 393 00:14:41,314 --> 00:14:44,251 - THAT'S AWESOME! - NO, NO, READ ME THE SCRIPT. 394 00:14:44,284 --> 00:14:46,353 - SERIOUSLY? - YES! 395 00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:48,188 - ALL RIGHT. 396 00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:50,223 "LESLIE, IT'S LESLIE KNOPE FROM THE PARKS DEPARTMENT 397 00:14:50,257 --> 00:14:51,591 "SPEAKING TO YOU THROUGH ANN PERKINS, 398 00:14:51,624 --> 00:14:53,026 FRIEND AND BEAUTIFUL NURSE." 399 00:14:53,060 --> 00:14:54,394 THANK YOU. 400 00:14:54,427 --> 00:14:55,695 "DO NOT DO ANYTHING WITH BEN. 401 00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:58,265 "BE RESPONSIBLE, NO MATTER HOW CUTE HIS MOUTH IS. 402 00:14:58,298 --> 00:15:00,267 YOUR JOB IS ON THE LINE!" 403 00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:02,069 - SHUT UP, ANN! - YOU WROTE THAT. 404 00:15:02,102 --> 00:15:04,537 - NO, YOU-- THEN LESLIE, LESLIE, 405 00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:06,106 YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. 406 00:15:06,139 --> 00:15:07,540 I CARE ABOUT HIM VERY MUCH, 407 00:15:07,574 --> 00:15:09,709 AND I'VE HAD 2 1/2 GLASSES OF RED WINE, 408 00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:11,344 AND WHAT THAT MEANS IS I'M GONNA GO MAKE OUT WITH HIM 409 00:15:11,378 --> 00:15:12,612 RIGHT NOW, AND IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME. 410 00:15:12,645 --> 00:15:14,381 - YAY! 411 00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:16,149 - NO, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO TALK ME OUT OF THIS. 412 00:15:16,183 --> 00:15:18,085 - [flatly] NO, DON'T, STOP. 413 00:15:18,118 --> 00:15:19,953 - SHUT UP, ANN, I'M DOING IT ANYWAY. 414 00:15:19,987 --> 00:15:21,454 - YAY! 415 00:15:24,091 --> 00:15:25,292 - LESLIE! 416 00:15:29,362 --> 00:15:30,998 - WHEN BEN TOLD ME THAT YOU HAD WON THE BID, 417 00:15:31,031 --> 00:15:33,400 I WAS WILDLY ECSTATIC, 418 00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:35,502 AND I HAD TO COME UP HERE AND CELEBRATE WITH YOU. 419 00:15:35,535 --> 00:15:37,204 THERE IS LITERALLY NOTHING IN THIS WORLD 420 00:15:37,237 --> 00:15:38,538 THAT YOU CANNOT DO. 421 00:15:38,571 --> 00:15:41,274 SO, WHAT'S THE PLAN NOW? SHOULD WE TAKE A LONG WALK? 422 00:15:41,308 --> 00:15:43,376 [gasps] MINI-GOLF. 423 00:15:43,410 --> 00:15:45,045 - I'LL PROBABLY-- DO YOU-- 424 00:15:45,078 --> 00:15:46,379 SHOULDN'T WE JUST GO BACK TO PAWNEE? 425 00:15:46,413 --> 00:15:47,714 - YEAH. - NONSENSE. 426 00:15:47,747 --> 00:15:50,250 THERE'S NO REASON TO DRIVE ALL THE WAY BACK HOME. 427 00:15:50,283 --> 00:15:52,385 I'VE GOT A PERFECTLY GOOD CONDO RIGHT HERE IN THE CITY. 428 00:15:52,419 --> 00:15:53,586 - OH, WE COULDN'T PUT YOU OUT LIKE THAT. 429 00:15:53,620 --> 00:15:56,223 - DOUBLE NONSENSE. I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE YOU STAY WITH ME. 430 00:15:56,256 --> 00:15:57,290 LESLIE, YOU CAN TAKE THE GUEST ROOM, 431 00:15:57,324 --> 00:16:01,161 AND, BEN, YOU HAVE TO SLEEP ON MY COUCH. 432 00:16:01,194 --> 00:16:02,996 IT IS LITERALLY 433 00:16:03,030 --> 00:16:04,497 THE COMFIEST COUCH YOU'VE EVER BEEN ON. 434 00:16:06,399 --> 00:16:08,001 - [sighs] 435 00:16:08,035 --> 00:16:11,304 - THIS IS WEIRD. - [laughs] 436 00:16:11,338 --> 00:16:12,772 WE'RE ON CHRIS' COUCH. 437 00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:15,508 - YUP, WE ARE, AND I'M WEARING HIS CLOTHES. 438 00:16:15,542 --> 00:16:17,410 [laughter] 439 00:16:19,412 --> 00:16:23,483 - UH, WELL... - WELL... 440 00:16:23,516 --> 00:16:26,386 - SORRY, I KEEP MYSELF VERY WELL HYDRATED, 441 00:16:26,419 --> 00:16:28,521 AND MY BLADDER IS THE SIZE OF A THIMBLE. 442 00:16:28,555 --> 00:16:30,657 I URINATE ROUGHLY 12 TIMES A NIGHT. 443 00:16:32,359 --> 00:16:35,062 - I THINK I MIGHT GO TO BED, TOO, ACTUALLY. 444 00:16:35,095 --> 00:16:36,363 - OH, YEAH? 445 00:16:36,396 --> 00:16:37,597 OKAY. 446 00:16:37,630 --> 00:16:40,367 UM, WELL, LOOK... 447 00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:41,734 [toilet flushes] 448 00:16:41,768 --> 00:16:44,771 GOOD JOB, AGAIN, TODAY. IT WAS-- 449 00:16:44,804 --> 00:16:46,473 - YOU TOO. - REALLY? 450 00:16:46,506 --> 00:16:47,407 - YEAH. 451 00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:49,142 - WELL, THAT WAS QUICK AND TO THE POINT. 452 00:16:49,176 --> 00:16:50,677 HERE'S A TIP. - MM? 453 00:16:50,710 --> 00:16:52,745 - THE KEY TO A HEALTHY URETHRA--RADISHES. 454 00:16:52,779 --> 00:16:55,115 - GOOD, I'M GONNA GO TO BED. 455 00:16:55,148 --> 00:16:56,716 - GOOD NIGHT. - GOOD NIGHT. 456 00:16:56,749 --> 00:17:00,620 - WELL, NOW I'M UP. YOU WANNA BOGGLE? 457 00:17:00,653 --> 00:17:04,224 - ARE YOU RON SWANSON? - I AM. 458 00:17:04,257 --> 00:17:06,093 - OKAY, WHAT EXACTLY DID YOU TEACH MY DAUGHTER? 459 00:17:06,126 --> 00:17:08,095 - OH, YOU MUST BE MRS. BERKUS. 460 00:17:08,128 --> 00:17:09,362 - LAUREN WAS SUPPOSED TO DO A PAPER 461 00:17:09,396 --> 00:17:11,364 ON WHY GOVERNMENT MATTERS. 462 00:17:11,398 --> 00:17:12,699 THIS IS WHAT SHE WROTE. 463 00:17:14,234 --> 00:17:15,468 - "IT DOESN'T." 464 00:17:15,502 --> 00:17:17,370 [laughs] WELL SAID. 465 00:17:17,404 --> 00:17:19,172 - IS THIS A JOKE? - NO, MA'AM. 466 00:17:19,206 --> 00:17:21,508 I LEGITIMATELY BELIEVE THAT. I'M A LIBERTARIAN. 467 00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:23,543 - OH, THAT'S NICE. WELL, SHE IS A FOURTH GRADER. 468 00:17:23,576 --> 00:17:25,478 AND FOURTH GRADERS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO HAVE 469 00:17:25,512 --> 00:17:27,114 THEIR HEADS CRAMMED FULL OF WEIRD IDEAS. 470 00:17:27,147 --> 00:17:28,581 THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO DO CUTE REPORTS 471 00:17:28,615 --> 00:17:29,682 AND GET GOLD STARS. 472 00:17:29,716 --> 00:17:30,817 - I'M VERY SORRY. I WAS ONLY-- 473 00:17:30,850 --> 00:17:34,654 - AND YOU ATE HER LUNCH? AND YOU GAVE HER A LAND MINE? 474 00:17:34,687 --> 00:17:35,655 REALLY? 475 00:17:35,688 --> 00:17:39,426 - WELL, IT SEEMED APPROPRIATE AT THE TIME. I-- 476 00:17:39,459 --> 00:17:41,661 - HOW? 477 00:17:41,694 --> 00:17:44,531 [pounding at door] 478 00:17:46,533 --> 00:17:48,368 - YOU KNOW THIS IS MY HOUSE, RIGHT? 479 00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:51,338 - YEAH, HI. - DO YOU WANNA COME IN? 480 00:17:51,371 --> 00:17:52,372 - [whimpers] 481 00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:54,641 - YOU OKAY? - NO. 482 00:17:54,674 --> 00:17:56,376 ANDY IS TOTALLY MAD AT ME RIGHT NOW, 483 00:17:56,409 --> 00:17:57,544 AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH HIM, 484 00:17:57,577 --> 00:17:59,512 SO I THOUGHT I WOULD ASK YOU. 485 00:17:59,546 --> 00:18:01,214 - YOU KNOW, ANDY AND I BROKE UP SO LONG AGO. 486 00:18:01,248 --> 00:18:03,183 I--I DON'T THINK THAT I'D BE THE BEST SOURCE TO-- 487 00:18:03,216 --> 00:18:05,252 - PLEASE. 488 00:18:05,285 --> 00:18:06,486 - WHAT HAPPENED? 489 00:18:06,519 --> 00:18:08,421 - HE DOESN'T THINK I LIKE MOUSE RAT. 490 00:18:08,455 --> 00:18:11,124 AND ALL I SAID TO HIM WAS THAT THIS OTHER BAND WAS BETTER, 491 00:18:11,158 --> 00:18:12,392 BUT I DON'T KNOW WHY HE GOT ALL MAD, 492 00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:14,261 BECAUSE IT'S LIKE AN INDISPUTABLE FACT 493 00:18:14,294 --> 00:18:15,362 THAT THEY'RE BETTER. THEY'RE A REAL BAND. 494 00:18:15,395 --> 00:18:16,596 - OH, BOY. OKAY. 495 00:18:16,629 --> 00:18:19,699 WELL, ANDY JUST WANTS YOU TO BE PROUD OF HIM AND HIS MUSIC, 496 00:18:19,732 --> 00:18:22,569 SO THIS ISN'T REALLY ABOUT BEING RIGHT. 497 00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:24,837 IT'S MORE ABOUT BEING SUPPORTIVE. 498 00:18:24,871 --> 00:18:26,439 - OH, WOW, 499 00:18:26,473 --> 00:18:28,875 I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU WERE A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR, ANN. 500 00:18:28,908 --> 00:18:31,378 SORRY. [sighs] 501 00:18:31,411 --> 00:18:33,513 MY INSTINCT IS TO BE MEAN TO YOU. 502 00:18:33,546 --> 00:18:36,249 - I UNDERSTAND. 503 00:18:36,283 --> 00:18:38,551 - O-M-G. 504 00:18:38,585 --> 00:18:40,187 LESLIE, I READ THAT SAME ARTICLE-- 505 00:18:40,220 --> 00:18:41,454 "THE HISTORY OF THE LADDER." 506 00:18:41,488 --> 00:18:42,355 IT'S UTTERLY FASCINATING. 507 00:18:42,389 --> 00:18:44,357 BEN, YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS. - REALLY? 508 00:18:44,391 --> 00:18:46,426 - DO YOU KNOW THAT THE ORIGINAL IMAGE OF A LADDER 509 00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:48,595 IS IN A CAVE IN VALENCIA, SPAIN, 510 00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:50,230 DRAWN OVER 10,000 YEARS AGO. 511 00:18:50,263 --> 00:18:51,564 - OH, MY GOD. HOW ABOUT SOME MUSIC? 512 00:18:51,598 --> 00:18:54,267 [banjo music playing] 513 00:18:58,338 --> 00:19:00,507 - THAT'S AMAZING. WHAT IS THIS? 514 00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:05,645 [scatting] 515 00:19:05,678 --> 00:19:07,547 [rock music playing] 516 00:19:07,580 --> 00:19:10,283 - OH, MAN, I LOVE THIS SONG. 517 00:19:11,384 --> 00:19:14,187 - * THE PIT, I WAS IN THE PIT * 518 00:19:14,221 --> 00:19:15,655 - WAIT A MINUTE. 519 00:19:15,688 --> 00:19:18,658 - * YOU WERE IN THE PIT 520 00:19:18,691 --> 00:19:23,430 * WE ALL WERE IN THE PIT 521 00:19:23,463 --> 00:19:25,498 * THE PIT 522 00:19:25,532 --> 00:19:28,535 * I WAS IN THE PIT 523 00:19:28,568 --> 00:19:31,671 * YOU WERE IN THE PIT 524 00:19:31,704 --> 00:19:37,344 * WE ALL WERE IN THE PIT 525 00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:41,748 - WHAT IS THIS? - LIVING OUT MY DREAM. 526 00:19:41,781 --> 00:19:44,817 PLAYING A SHOW WITH THE GREATEST BAND EVER. 527 00:19:44,851 --> 00:19:45,618 - THAT'S MY GUITAR. 528 00:19:45,652 --> 00:19:47,387 YOU BOUGHT IT BACK FROM SEWAGE JOE? 529 00:19:47,420 --> 00:19:50,723 - I ACTUALLY STOLE IT FROM HIS OFFICE, 530 00:19:50,757 --> 00:19:52,425 BUT WHATEVER. 531 00:19:52,459 --> 00:19:53,593 HE'S A WEIRDO. 532 00:19:55,962 --> 00:19:58,465 - MAYBE APRIL DOESN'T THINK THAT WE'RE THE GREATEST BAND 533 00:19:58,498 --> 00:20:00,467 IN THE WORLD, BUT, MAN, SHE LOVES ME, 534 00:20:00,500 --> 00:20:02,635 AND I LOVE HER. 535 00:20:02,669 --> 00:20:04,471 SO, YOU KNOW, WHO CARES. 536 00:20:04,504 --> 00:20:06,973 I GOT THE GREATEST WIFE IN THE WORLD! 537 00:20:07,006 --> 00:20:09,276 - STOP. - WE'RE MARRIED! 538 00:20:10,677 --> 00:20:13,380 WE'RE TOTALLY GONNA DO IT LATER! 539 00:20:13,413 --> 00:20:15,448 - OH, MY GOD. 540 00:20:15,482 --> 00:20:18,685 - WELL, ACTUALLY, I THINK IT'S GOOD THAT CHRIS SHOWED UP, 541 00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:20,353 'CAUSE I WASN'T THINKING CLEARLY. 542 00:20:20,387 --> 00:20:22,722 I LOVE MY JOB, BEN LOVES HIS JOB, 543 00:20:22,755 --> 00:20:24,757 AND IT'S JUST NOT WORTH THE RISK. 544 00:20:24,791 --> 00:20:26,926 OH, HEY. - HEY. 545 00:20:26,959 --> 00:20:28,895 - CHRIS JUST WANTED ME TO DROP OFF THESE RECEIPTS. 546 00:20:28,928 --> 00:20:30,963 - OH, WELL, HE'S NOT HERE. HE TOOK OFF. 547 00:20:30,997 --> 00:20:32,799 - OKAY. 548 00:20:45,545 --> 00:20:46,546 - UH-OH. 549 00:20:49,982 --> 00:20:51,017 - ALL I'M SAYING IS 550 00:20:51,050 --> 00:20:52,919 KEEP AN OPEN MIND FOR A WHILE. 551 00:20:52,952 --> 00:20:55,888 LISTEN TO YOUR TEACHERS AND READ ALL THE BOOKS YOU CAN. 552 00:20:55,922 --> 00:20:57,790 THEN WHEN YOU'RE 18, 553 00:20:57,824 --> 00:21:00,493 YOU CAN DRINK, GAMBLE, AND BECOME A LIBERTARIAN. 554 00:21:00,527 --> 00:21:02,462 - THE DRINKING AGE IS 21. 555 00:21:02,495 --> 00:21:03,996 - I KNOW. 556 00:21:04,030 --> 00:21:06,599 ANOTHER STUPID GOVERNMENT RULE. 557 00:21:06,633 --> 00:21:09,602 SO YOU'LL WRITE A NEW PAPER? - YEAH. 558 00:21:09,636 --> 00:21:11,738 - CAN YOU AUTOGRAPH THIS ONE FOR ME? 559 00:21:11,771 --> 00:21:14,907 - SURE. 560 00:21:14,941 --> 00:21:17,944 Captioning by CaptionMax www.captionmax.com