1 00:00:01,335 --> 00:00:03,304 - SO... 2 00:00:03,337 --> 00:00:06,040 WHO BROKE IT? 3 00:00:06,074 --> 00:00:09,810 I'M NOT MAD. I JUST WANT TO KNOW. 4 00:00:09,843 --> 00:00:12,746 - I DID. I BROKE IT. - NO. NO, YOU DIDN'T. 5 00:00:12,780 --> 00:00:15,349 TOM? - DON'T LOOK AT ME. 6 00:00:15,383 --> 00:00:17,685 LOOK AT BEN. - WHAT? I DIDN'T BREAK IT. 7 00:00:17,718 --> 00:00:19,187 - HUH. THAT'S WEIRD. 8 00:00:19,220 --> 00:00:20,654 HOW'D YOU EVEN KNOW IT WAS BROKEN? 9 00:00:20,688 --> 00:00:22,823 - BECAUSE IT'S SITTING RIGHT IN FRONT OF US 10 00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:24,225 AND IT'S BROKEN. 11 00:00:24,258 --> 00:00:26,294 - SUSPICIOUS. - NO, IT'S NOT. 12 00:00:26,327 --> 00:00:27,728 - IF IT MATTERS-- PROBABLY NOT, BUT APRIL 13 00:00:27,761 --> 00:00:29,397 WAS THE LAST ONE TO USE IT. - LIAR. 14 00:00:29,430 --> 00:00:31,699 I DON'T EVEN DRINK THAT CRAP. - OH, REALLY? 15 00:00:31,732 --> 00:00:33,467 THEN WHAT WERE YOU DOING BY THE COFFEE CART EARLIER? 16 00:00:33,501 --> 00:00:35,203 - I USE THE WOODEN STIRRERS TO PUSH BACK MY CUTICLES. 17 00:00:35,236 --> 00:00:36,770 EVERYONE KNOWS THAT, JERRY. - OKAY, LET'S NOT FIGHT. 18 00:00:36,804 --> 00:00:38,372 I BROKE IT. LET ME PAY FOR IT, RON. 19 00:00:38,406 --> 00:00:40,641 - NO. WHO BROKE IT? 20 00:00:42,310 --> 00:00:45,346 - RON, DONNA'S BEEN AWFULLY QUIET. 21 00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:46,514 - REALLY? - YEAH, REALLY. 22 00:00:46,547 --> 00:00:47,648 - OH, MY GOD. 23 00:00:47,681 --> 00:00:50,184 [overlapping chatter] 24 00:00:50,218 --> 00:00:51,385 - I BROKE IT. 25 00:00:51,419 --> 00:00:53,387 IT BURNED MY HAND, SO I PUNCHED IT. 26 00:00:53,421 --> 00:00:54,622 [overlapping chatter continues] 27 00:00:54,655 --> 00:00:56,224 I PREDICT TEN MINUTES FROM NOW, 28 00:00:56,257 --> 00:00:57,458 THEY'LL BE AT EACH OTHERS' THROATS 29 00:00:57,491 --> 00:00:58,759 WITH WAR PAINT ON THEIR FACES 30 00:00:58,792 --> 00:01:00,361 AND A PIG HEAD ON A STICK. 31 00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:02,630 [overlapping arguing] 32 00:01:02,663 --> 00:01:04,198 GOOD. 33 00:01:04,232 --> 00:01:07,535 IT WAS GETTING A LITTLE CHUMMY AROUND HERE. 34 00:01:07,568 --> 00:01:10,538 [triumphant music] 35 00:01:10,571 --> 00:01:18,579 * 36 00:01:27,621 --> 00:01:29,157 - I NEED YOU GUYS TO COME TO THE SNAKEHOLE LOUNGE TONIGHT 37 00:01:29,190 --> 00:01:30,558 TO HELP ME WITH SOMETHING. 38 00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:32,893 - YEAH, NO, TONIGHT'S NOT GOOD. - NO CAN DO. 39 00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:34,228 - I'M ON A CLEANSE. 40 00:01:34,262 --> 00:01:35,863 - PLEASE. THIS IS IMPORTANT. 41 00:01:35,896 --> 00:01:39,333 I'M LAUNCHING MY NEW HIGH-END, KAHLUA-STYLE LIQUEUR, 42 00:01:39,367 --> 00:01:41,135 SNAKEJUICE. 43 00:01:41,169 --> 00:01:43,771 - SOUNDS LIKE YOU TOOK A SNAKE AND TWISTED IT LIKE A RAG 44 00:01:43,804 --> 00:01:45,673 UNTIL ITS BLOOD AND GUTS CAME OUT. 45 00:01:45,706 --> 00:01:47,141 - HA HA HA. EWW. 46 00:01:47,175 --> 00:01:48,909 - WHAT DOES KAHLUA-STYLE MEAN? 47 00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:50,578 - I MIXED A BUNCH OF ALCOHOL TOGETHER, 48 00:01:50,611 --> 00:01:52,346 ADDED SOME SUGAR AND COFFEE AND SOME OTHER JUNK, 49 00:01:52,380 --> 00:01:54,315 AND IT KIND OF TASTES LIKE KAHLUA. 50 00:01:54,348 --> 00:01:55,783 - I CAN ONLY DRINK WARM TAP WATER WITH CAYENNE PEPPER. 51 00:01:55,816 --> 00:01:57,618 - FINE. THEN DON'T DRINK IT. 52 00:01:57,651 --> 00:01:59,487 JUST GET OTHER PEOPLE TO DRINK IT, OKAY? 53 00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:01,289 MEETING IN ONE HOUR. 54 00:02:01,322 --> 00:02:04,225 IF YOU DON'T MAKE IT, YOU'RE ON MY DONE-ZO LIST. 55 00:02:04,258 --> 00:02:06,227 - UH, WHAT'S A DONE-ZO LIST? 56 00:02:06,260 --> 00:02:08,596 - IT MEANS YOU AND I ARE DONE-ZO-- 57 00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:10,731 HANGING OUT, GETTING FOOD TOGETHER, DONE-ZO. 58 00:02:10,764 --> 00:02:12,666 YOU WANT TO COME OVER TO MY HOUSE AND PLAY VIDEO GAMES? 59 00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:15,169 DONE-ZO. HEY, TOM, YOU WANT TO COME PLAY PUTT-PUTT WITH ME? 60 00:02:15,203 --> 00:02:17,638 NO, WE'RE DONE-ZO. 61 00:02:17,671 --> 00:02:20,274 - BABE, WE GOT TO MAKE THAT MEETING. 62 00:02:20,308 --> 00:02:21,575 - GOD, I'M SO GLAD WE FOUND THIS TIME TO TALK. 63 00:02:21,609 --> 00:02:23,177 IT FEELS LIKE IT'S BEEN FOREVER. 64 00:02:23,211 --> 00:02:25,846 - I KNOW. I'VE BEEN SO BUSY AT THE HOSPITAL. 65 00:02:25,879 --> 00:02:29,183 LONG HOURS, OVERNIGHT SHIFTS-- I'M GETTING SICK OF IT. 66 00:02:29,217 --> 00:02:30,384 - ALL RIGHT, LET'S START WITH THE PERSONAL STUFF. 67 00:02:30,418 --> 00:02:31,952 HOW'S JESSIE? - WHO? 68 00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:34,388 - THE PHOTOGRAPHER GUY. - OH, YEAH. 69 00:02:34,422 --> 00:02:35,789 WE BROKE UP. I DIDN'T TELL YOU THAT? 70 00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:38,926 - MM-MM! WHY? I LIKED HIM. - YEAH, I DID TOO. 71 00:02:38,959 --> 00:02:40,561 I JUST--I COULDN'T DEAL WITH HIS FACE. 72 00:02:40,594 --> 00:02:42,396 - HUH. 73 00:02:42,430 --> 00:02:44,598 DO YOU THINK I COULD GET THAT BOOK BACK THAT I LOANED HIM? 74 00:02:44,632 --> 00:02:47,501 - OH, WELL, I'M TECHNICALLY "OUT OF THE COUNTRY." 75 00:02:47,535 --> 00:02:50,604 SO I WOULD HAVE TO CALL HIM FROM A WEIRD NUMBER. 76 00:02:50,638 --> 00:02:51,705 - OH. - SORRY. 77 00:02:51,739 --> 00:02:53,207 - NEVER MIND. 78 00:02:53,241 --> 00:02:54,642 - BUT I'M SEEING THIS NEW GUY, MATTIAS. 79 00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:57,345 YOU WOULD LOVE HIM. HE'S A TRIPLE PISCES. 80 00:02:57,378 --> 00:02:58,846 - UH-OH, LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S GONNA BE LATE FOR HER MEETING. 81 00:02:58,879 --> 00:03:00,448 - I'LL RACE YOU. 82 00:03:00,481 --> 00:03:02,283 - REALLY? ISN'T THAT A LITTLE CHILDISH? 83 00:03:02,316 --> 00:03:03,917 - OH, HA HA HA. BYE, ANN. 84 00:03:03,951 --> 00:03:05,519 SORRY, GOT TO GO. HEY, MOVE! 85 00:03:05,553 --> 00:03:06,920 OH! COUNCILMAN HOWSER, SORRY. 86 00:03:06,954 --> 00:03:08,922 NICE TO SEE YOU, AS ALWAYS. 87 00:03:08,956 --> 00:03:10,891 - BYE. 88 00:03:10,924 --> 00:03:13,261 - WELCOME TO GUERILLA MARKETING 101. 89 00:03:13,294 --> 00:03:15,263 WHAT IS GUERILLA MARKETING? 90 00:03:15,296 --> 00:03:16,930 A FEW ORDINARY SCHMOES-- NO OFFENSE-- 91 00:03:16,964 --> 00:03:19,633 HAVE A CASUAL CONVERSATION NEXT TO SOME GUY 92 00:03:19,667 --> 00:03:21,569 ABOUT HOW GREAT SNAKEJUICE IS. 93 00:03:21,602 --> 00:03:23,704 NEXT THING YOU KNOW THAT GUY 94 00:03:23,737 --> 00:03:25,239 ORDERS AN WHOLE BOTTLE OF SNAKEJUICE, 95 00:03:25,273 --> 00:03:26,807 AND HE HAS NO IDEA WHY. 96 00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:28,509 APRIL, YOU'LL BE PLAYING 97 00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:30,778 A BORING BEER DRINKER NAMED JENNIFER. 98 00:03:30,811 --> 00:03:34,382 ANDY, YOU ARE ALSO A BORING BEER DRINKER NAMED MICHAEL. 99 00:03:34,415 --> 00:03:37,285 JERRY, YOU'LL BE PLAYING A BORING BEER DRINKER. 100 00:03:37,318 --> 00:03:38,752 YOUR NAME WILL BE JERRY. 101 00:03:38,786 --> 00:03:43,023 RON IS GOING TO PLAY OUR EXCITING SNAKEJUICE DRINKER, 102 00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:45,726 AKA BRIAN THUNDER. 103 00:03:45,759 --> 00:03:48,329 - YOU WANT US TO MEMORIZE THIS WHOLE SCRIPT? 104 00:03:48,362 --> 00:03:50,998 - IDEALLY, BUT IF YOU WANT TO WING IT, 105 00:03:51,031 --> 00:03:55,469 YOUR TALKING POINTS ARE HIGH-END, V.I.P., LIFESTYLE. 106 00:03:55,503 --> 00:03:57,338 ALL RIGHT, LET'S RUN THROUGH IT ONCE. 107 00:03:57,371 --> 00:03:59,006 AND ACTION! 108 00:03:59,039 --> 00:04:01,809 - "THE WEATHER HAS BEEN SO WEIRD LATELY. 109 00:04:01,842 --> 00:04:03,911 HEY, LET ME BUY YOU ALL A DRINK." 110 00:04:03,944 --> 00:04:06,914 - "I'LL TAKE SOMETHING BASIC LIKE A BEER." 111 00:04:06,947 --> 00:04:08,682 - "YEAH, I'M PRETTY... 112 00:04:08,716 --> 00:04:10,884 "BORING. 113 00:04:10,918 --> 00:04:12,953 SO I'LL TAKE A BEER, TOO." 114 00:04:12,986 --> 00:04:16,690 - "NOT ME. I WANT THIS NIGHT TO GET CA-RAZZY." 115 00:04:16,724 --> 00:04:18,359 - CA-RAAAZY. 116 00:04:18,392 --> 00:04:21,362 LIKE CRAZY. 117 00:04:21,395 --> 00:04:24,932 - [flatly] "I WANT THIS NIGHT TO GET CA-RAZY. 118 00:04:24,965 --> 00:04:26,800 "GET ME A SHOT OF SNAKEJUICE. 119 00:04:26,834 --> 00:04:28,936 I HEAR IT HAS A DOPE AFTERTASTE." 120 00:04:28,969 --> 00:04:30,538 - ALL RIGHT, THAT'S GONNA BE A CUT. 121 00:04:30,571 --> 00:04:33,374 UM, RON, YOU GOT TO SAY IT LIKE YOU MEAN IT. 122 00:04:33,407 --> 00:04:35,075 - I WON'T PUBLICLY ENDORSE A PRODUCT 123 00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:38,712 UNLESS I USE IT EXCLUSIVELY AND I REALLY BELIEVE IN IT. 124 00:04:38,746 --> 00:04:40,514 MY ONLY OFFICIAL RECOMMENDATIONS ARE 125 00:04:40,548 --> 00:04:42,816 U.S. ARMY-ISSUED MUSTACHE TRIMMERS, 126 00:04:42,850 --> 00:04:45,819 MORTON'S SALT, AND THE C.R. LAURENCE FEIN 127 00:04:45,853 --> 00:04:49,089 TWO-INCH, AXE-STYLE SCRAPER OSCILLATING KNIFE BLADE. 128 00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:51,559 - WE NEED TO FIND A NEW P.R. DIRECTOR 129 00:04:51,592 --> 00:04:52,693 FOR THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT. 130 00:04:52,726 --> 00:04:54,395 DENNIS COOPER WAS FIRED TODAY. 131 00:04:54,428 --> 00:04:55,929 - WHY? 132 00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:57,598 - SHORT ANSWER-- HE WENT BANANAS. 133 00:04:57,631 --> 00:05:00,067 LONG ANSWER-- HIS WIFE, JAN, HAD AN AFFAIR, 134 00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:01,802 GAVE HIM A VENEREAL DISEASE, 135 00:05:01,835 --> 00:05:03,837 AND SO HE PUT SIGNS ABOUT HER ALL THROUGH CITY HALL. 136 00:05:03,871 --> 00:05:04,905 I'M SURE YOU'VE SEEN THEM. 137 00:05:04,938 --> 00:05:06,407 both: OH, YEAH. 138 00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:08,509 - "JAN COOPER WILL GIVE YOU CHLAMYDIA, 139 00:05:08,542 --> 00:05:10,110 BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE PAWNEE HEALTH DEPARTMENT." 140 00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:12,980 "CHLAMYDIA AFFECTS NEARLY 100% OF JAN COOPERS." 141 00:05:13,013 --> 00:05:15,883 "THE DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH CONGRATULATES JAN COOPER, 142 00:05:15,916 --> 00:05:17,351 MISS CHLAMYDIA." 143 00:05:17,385 --> 00:05:19,620 "JAN, I LOVE YOU. PLEASE COME BACK. 144 00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:22,122 "I REALIZE THAT I'M NOT BLAMELESS HERE. 145 00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:25,926 "PLEASE. 146 00:05:25,959 --> 00:05:27,595 BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT." 147 00:05:27,628 --> 00:05:30,498 "RE-ELECT JAN COOPER, MAYOR OF WHOREVILLE." 148 00:05:30,531 --> 00:05:33,501 LESLIE, I WANT YOU TO HELP US CHOOSE A REPLACEMENT. 149 00:05:33,534 --> 00:05:35,769 PARKS AND HEALTH WORK CLOSELY TOGETHER ON OUTDOOR PROGRAMS 150 00:05:35,803 --> 00:05:37,571 AND EXERCISE INITIATIVES. 151 00:05:37,605 --> 00:05:38,906 - ANN SHOULD DO IT. - ANN PERKINS? 152 00:05:38,939 --> 00:05:41,775 - PAWNEE IS LOOKING FOR A NEW P.R. DIRECTOR 153 00:05:41,809 --> 00:05:43,143 FOR THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT, AND I SUBMITTED YOUR NAME. 154 00:05:43,176 --> 00:05:45,913 YOU HAVE AN INTERVIEW TOMORROW AT 9:00 A.M. 155 00:05:45,946 --> 00:05:47,648 - 9:00 A.M. WOW. 156 00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:49,149 - YES, I KNOW. I COULDN'T GET IT EARLIER. 157 00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:50,718 - I'M--I AM-- - GRATEFUL. 158 00:05:50,751 --> 00:05:52,119 I KNOW. YOU CAN THANK ME LATER. 159 00:05:52,152 --> 00:05:53,654 BUT FIRST YOU NEED TO GO OVER YOUR HOMEWORK. 160 00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:55,122 THESE ARE ALL THE HEALTH INITIATIVES 161 00:05:55,155 --> 00:05:58,125 THE CITY HAS EVER UNDERTAKEN SINCE THE 1960s. 162 00:05:58,158 --> 00:06:00,160 SO YOU NEED TO PARTIALLY MEMORIZE THAT. 163 00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:01,962 AND IT'S GONNA BE A LONG NIGHT, 164 00:06:01,995 --> 00:06:03,497 SO I GOT YOU SOME ENERGY DRINKS 165 00:06:03,531 --> 00:06:05,899 AND SOME CHOCOLATE-COVERED ESPRESSO BEANS 166 00:06:05,933 --> 00:06:07,601 AND THE BOOK FREEDOM BY JONATHAN FRANZEN. 167 00:06:07,635 --> 00:06:08,969 - WHY AM I READING THIS? 168 00:06:09,002 --> 00:06:10,504 - BECAUSE I'M ALMOST DONE WITH IT, ANN. 169 00:06:10,538 --> 00:06:11,905 AND I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT PATTY. 170 00:06:11,939 --> 00:06:13,974 - OKAY, DEEP BREATH. - [inhales curtly] 171 00:06:14,007 --> 00:06:15,643 [both exhale deeply] 172 00:06:15,676 --> 00:06:17,511 - OKAY, I'VE BEEN A NURSE FOR OVER 10 YEARS. 173 00:06:17,545 --> 00:06:18,912 IT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU JUST QUIT. 174 00:06:18,946 --> 00:06:21,048 - I UNDERSTAND. 175 00:06:21,081 --> 00:06:24,084 I JUST THINK WITH THIS NEW JOB, YOU COULD MAKE A DIFFERENCE. 176 00:06:24,117 --> 00:06:26,053 MAKE REAL CHANGE HAPPEN. 177 00:06:26,086 --> 00:06:28,489 PLUS, WE'D BE WORKING IN THE SAME BUILDING-- 178 00:06:28,522 --> 00:06:30,958 NO MORE LIGHTNING-ROUND CATCH-UP SESSIONS. 179 00:06:30,991 --> 00:06:32,560 - IT WOULD BE NICE TO HAVE AN OFFICE. 180 00:06:32,593 --> 00:06:34,194 - THIS IS YOUR DESTINY, ANN. 181 00:06:34,227 --> 00:06:35,663 YOU DON'T WANT TO WASTE AWAY 182 00:06:35,696 --> 00:06:37,030 AT PAWNEE ST. JOSEPH MEDICAL CENTER 183 00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:38,632 AND TURN INTO HER. 184 00:06:38,666 --> 00:06:41,602 - OW. - SHUT UP! 185 00:06:41,635 --> 00:06:43,471 - AND LET'S BE HONEST, IT WOULD BE NICE TO NOT HAVE 186 00:06:43,504 --> 00:06:46,507 TO PULL STRANGE THINGS OUT OF PEOPLE'S BUTTS EVERY NIGHT. 187 00:06:46,540 --> 00:06:48,008 - YOU'VE MENTIONED THAT BEFORE. THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN THAT OFTEN. 188 00:06:48,041 --> 00:06:50,077 - IT HAPPENED ONCE. - JUST ONCE. 189 00:06:50,110 --> 00:06:51,945 - THAT ALREADY IS TOO MANY TIMES. 190 00:06:51,979 --> 00:06:55,082 - UGH. I HATE TALKING TO PEOPLE ABOUT THINGS. 191 00:06:55,115 --> 00:06:57,084 THIS IS A NIGHTMARE. 192 00:06:57,117 --> 00:06:59,219 UGH. I'M GROUCHY. 193 00:06:59,252 --> 00:07:00,888 - WE HAVE TO SUPPORT TOM. 194 00:07:00,921 --> 00:07:02,656 I DON'T WANT TO END UP ON THAT DONE-ZO LIST. 195 00:07:02,690 --> 00:07:05,593 THINK ABOUT IT AS ROLE-PLAYING. 196 00:07:05,626 --> 00:07:07,995 THAT MAKES IT SEXY. 197 00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:10,898 - THAT COULD BE FUN. - HA! REALLY? 198 00:07:10,931 --> 00:07:13,000 - CAN I USE A WEIRD VOICE AND TRY TO FREAK PEOPLE OUT? 199 00:07:13,033 --> 00:07:15,569 - YES. - OKAY. 200 00:07:15,603 --> 00:07:17,204 THEN, UH, NEXT TIME YOU SEE ME, 201 00:07:17,237 --> 00:07:19,439 I'LL BE A STRANGER. 202 00:07:20,574 --> 00:07:22,175 - OH... 203 00:07:22,209 --> 00:07:25,212 [club music] 204 00:07:25,245 --> 00:07:27,748 - HEY, TOMMY, I'M REALLY HOPING 205 00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:29,182 THIS BOOZE OF YOURS IS GONNA SELL, 206 00:07:29,216 --> 00:07:31,752 BECAUSE I AM NOT GOING TO TAKE A LOSS ON THIS. 207 00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:33,987 - NOTHING THIS DELICIOUS WILL FAIL. 208 00:07:34,021 --> 00:07:36,256 - WE'LL SEE. CHECK BACK WITH ME IN A COUPLE HOURS. 209 00:07:36,289 --> 00:07:37,791 I'LL LET YOU KNOW HOW IT'S GOING. 210 00:07:37,825 --> 00:07:40,027 - SNAKEJUICE! WHAT? HERE? 211 00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:43,096 HIGH-END, V.I.P., EXCLUSIVE. 212 00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:45,899 HEY, HOW'S IT GOING? - I THINK IT'S GOING OKAY. 213 00:07:45,933 --> 00:07:48,168 PEOPLE BETTER BUY THIS STUFF, OR ELSE I'M GONNA BE SCREWED. 214 00:07:48,201 --> 00:07:49,703 - IT'S GONNA BE FINE. PEOPLE WILL DEFINITELY BUY IT. 215 00:07:49,737 --> 00:07:50,938 - UH-OH! UH-OH! 216 00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:52,940 * "K" TO THE "N" TO THE O-P-E * 217 00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:56,644 * SHE'S THE DOPEST LITTLE SHORTY IN ALL PAWNEE, INDIANA * 218 00:07:56,677 --> 00:07:58,211 - WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST STOP AT "PAWNEE"? 219 00:07:58,245 --> 00:08:00,914 - LESLIE KNOPE, SERIOUSLY, YOU GET SEXIER EVERY DAY. 220 00:08:00,948 --> 00:08:02,816 AND THAT IS NOT A LINE. THAT IS FOR REAL. 221 00:08:02,850 --> 00:08:04,885 - AW, JEAN-RALPHIO. 222 00:08:04,918 --> 00:08:06,186 SO YOU'RE HERE HELPING TOM? 223 00:08:06,219 --> 00:08:07,655 - ABSOLUTELY, 224 00:08:07,688 --> 00:08:08,989 AND IT'S TIME TO GET THAT PAPER. 225 00:08:09,022 --> 00:08:10,157 both: * GET--GET--GET--GET--GET 226 00:08:10,190 --> 00:08:11,825 * GET THAT PAPER 227 00:08:11,859 --> 00:08:14,227 - SNAKEJUICE SALES ARE GONNA BE OFF THE "CHERT." 228 00:08:14,261 --> 00:08:17,965 WHY? BECAUSE THAT SNIZZ IS STRAIGHT-UP "DELOYSHUS." 229 00:08:17,998 --> 00:08:19,600 - WELL SAID. 230 00:08:19,633 --> 00:08:20,901 WELL, I-I KNOW TONIGHT'S GONNA BE A BIG SUCCESS, 231 00:08:20,934 --> 00:08:22,202 AND I WISH I COULD STAY. 232 00:08:22,235 --> 00:08:23,737 I REALLY DO, BUT I HAVE TO GO HELP ANN. 233 00:08:23,771 --> 00:08:24,938 SHE'S GONNA BE UP ALL NIGHT 234 00:08:24,972 --> 00:08:26,273 CRAMMING FOR A BIG JOB INTERVIEW. 235 00:08:26,306 --> 00:08:27,941 - SHE MIGHT BE UP ALL NIGHT, 236 00:08:27,975 --> 00:08:29,242 BUT I THINK SOMEONE ELSE IS GONNA BE DOING THE CRAMMING. 237 00:08:29,276 --> 00:08:31,645 - UH-OH. WHOOP. 238 00:08:31,679 --> 00:08:34,648 [hip-hop music] 239 00:08:34,682 --> 00:08:36,917 * 240 00:08:39,987 --> 00:08:41,755 - HEY. - HEY. 241 00:08:41,789 --> 00:08:42,990 - I'M SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU. - I'M SEEING YOU HERE. 242 00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:44,758 - YES. - YES, I'M SURPRISED. 243 00:08:44,792 --> 00:08:46,994 I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU'D BE HOME, PREPARING FOR TOMORROW. 244 00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:49,563 - OH, WELL, THERE WAS WAY TOO MUCH STUFF 245 00:08:49,597 --> 00:08:50,931 FOR ME TO READ TONIGHT, ANYWAY. 246 00:08:50,964 --> 00:08:53,100 I MEAN, IT WAS A RIDICULOUS AMOUNT OF STUFF 247 00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:54,868 THAT YOU GAVE ME. 248 00:08:54,902 --> 00:08:57,838 - OH. BUT YOU ARE GOING IN FOR THE INTERVIEW TOMORROW? 249 00:08:57,871 --> 00:09:01,775 - I THINK SO. 250 00:09:01,809 --> 00:09:04,244 - UH-OH. IS THERE ENOUGH ROOM FOR SOME MAYONNAISE 251 00:09:04,277 --> 00:09:05,713 IN THIS LADY SANDWICH? 252 00:09:05,746 --> 00:09:07,147 - OH. 253 00:09:07,180 --> 00:09:09,717 - LESLIE, THIS IS MY FRIEND HOWARD TUTTLEMAN. 254 00:09:09,750 --> 00:09:11,284 - OH, PLEASE. CALL ME THE DOUCHE. 255 00:09:11,318 --> 00:09:13,220 YOU PROBABLY KNOW ME FROM MY MORNING RADIO SHOW 256 00:09:13,253 --> 00:09:16,890 ON 93.7-- CRAZY IRA AND THE DOUCHE. 257 00:09:16,924 --> 00:09:18,626 - YEAH, I-I HAVE MET YOU BEFORE. 258 00:09:18,659 --> 00:09:19,993 I ACTUALLY WAS ON YOUR SHOW ONCE-- 259 00:09:20,027 --> 00:09:21,261 - WAIT! WERE YOU ON THE SHOW 260 00:09:21,294 --> 00:09:22,930 WHERE WE HAD THAT STRIPPER DO MATH? 261 00:09:22,963 --> 00:09:24,598 CLASSIC, RIGHT? 262 00:09:24,632 --> 00:09:27,200 [dance music] 263 00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:28,869 * 264 00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:31,872 - HELLO, STRANGE PERSON WHO I HAVE NEVER MET BEFORE. 265 00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:33,140 WHO ARE YOU? 266 00:09:33,173 --> 00:09:34,875 - I'M JANET SNAKEHOLE. 267 00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:37,110 I'M A VERY RICH WIDOW WITH A TERRIBLE SECRET. 268 00:09:37,144 --> 00:09:38,178 WHO ARE YOU? 269 00:09:38,211 --> 00:09:40,247 - BERT MACKLIN, FBI. 270 00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:42,015 I WAS THE BEST DAMN AGENT THEY HAD 271 00:09:42,049 --> 00:09:43,984 UNTIL I WAS FRAMED FOR A CRIME I DIDN'T COMMIT... 272 00:09:44,017 --> 00:09:45,218 - [gasps] 273 00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:47,220 - STEALING THE PRESIDENT'S RUBIES. 274 00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:49,056 NOW I WORK ALONE. 275 00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:51,058 - LOVELY TO MEET YOU. 276 00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:53,160 - I GOT TO ADMIT, UH, I THOUGHT YOUR COSTUME 277 00:09:53,193 --> 00:09:55,028 WOULD MAYBE BE A LITTLE BIT SLUTTIER. 278 00:09:55,062 --> 00:09:58,331 - HOW DARE YOU? 279 00:09:58,365 --> 00:09:59,800 - NICE. 280 00:09:59,833 --> 00:10:02,069 - GENTLEMEN. 281 00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:04,938 - SWAN SONG, HOW YOU LIVING? - YES. 282 00:10:04,972 --> 00:10:06,674 - WHY AREN'T YOU HOLDING A SNAKEJUICE? 283 00:10:06,707 --> 00:10:07,975 - I'M MORE OF A WHISKEY MAN. 284 00:10:08,008 --> 00:10:09,376 - RON-RON, COME HERE. 285 00:10:09,409 --> 00:10:11,311 COME HERE FOR A BIT. YOU'RE GOOD RIGHT THERE. 286 00:10:11,344 --> 00:10:13,914 LISTEN, YOU GOT TO JUMP ON THE TOMMYTOWN EXPRESS. 287 00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:15,683 THIS GUY HAS SOME OF THE BEST INVESTMENT IDEAS 288 00:10:15,716 --> 00:10:17,250 I'VE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE. 289 00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:19,820 - MAKE A BABY TUXEDO CLOTHING LINE. 290 00:10:19,853 --> 00:10:22,222 A DEPARTMENT STORE WITH A GUEST LIST. 291 00:10:22,255 --> 00:10:24,324 WHITE FUR EAR MUFFS FOR MEN. 292 00:10:24,357 --> 00:10:27,861 A NEW BRAND OF BOTTLED WATER CALLED H2-HO. 293 00:10:27,895 --> 00:10:30,397 CONTACT LENSES THAT DISPLAY TEXT MESSAGES. 294 00:10:30,430 --> 00:10:32,900 INVENT A PHONE THAT SMELLS GOOD. 295 00:10:32,933 --> 00:10:35,168 OWN A NIGHT CLUB CALLED ECLIPSE 296 00:10:35,202 --> 00:10:38,906 THAT'S ONLY OPEN FOR ONE HOUR TWO TIMES A YEAR. 297 00:10:38,939 --> 00:10:42,442 COVER CHARGE--$5,000. 298 00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:44,244 I CAN KEEP GOING. 299 00:10:44,277 --> 00:10:45,345 HOW ABOUT THIS, RON? 300 00:10:45,378 --> 00:10:46,880 TRY SNAKEJUICE. 301 00:10:46,914 --> 00:10:49,416 IF YOU LIKE IT, YOU GOT TO TALK IT UP ALL NIGHT. 302 00:10:49,449 --> 00:10:53,721 IF YOU DON'T, I'LL SHAVE JEAN-RALPHIO'S HEAD. 303 00:10:53,754 --> 00:10:55,723 - YEAH, I'D LIKE TO SEE THAT. 304 00:10:55,756 --> 00:10:57,925 HIT ME. 305 00:10:57,958 --> 00:11:02,429 - A LOT RIDING ON THIS. 306 00:11:02,462 --> 00:11:04,898 - DAMN, IF THAT ISN'T DELICIOUS. 307 00:11:04,932 --> 00:11:06,266 - OH! 308 00:11:06,299 --> 00:11:08,335 * "R" TO THE "O" TO THE N-N-N * 309 00:11:08,368 --> 00:11:11,739 * I SAY SWANSON'S GOT SWAGGER THE SIZE OF A BIG BEN CLOCK * 310 00:11:11,772 --> 00:11:13,240 - DUDE, YOU GOT TO END IT ON THE RHYME. 311 00:11:13,273 --> 00:11:15,909 - I KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO. - YOU HAD IT AT "BEN." 312 00:11:15,943 --> 00:11:17,377 - I KNOW. I GOT IT. 313 00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:19,312 - YOU THINK I HAVEN'T BEEN AROUND THE WORLD. 314 00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:22,482 I'VE BEEN EVERYWHERE, DARLING. I'M A VERY WEALTHY WOMAN. 315 00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:25,085 MY HUSBAND'S KEPT ME IN THE FINEST CLOTHES 316 00:11:25,118 --> 00:11:26,787 FROM BERGDORF GOODMAN, YOU SEE. 317 00:11:26,820 --> 00:11:30,190 - FREEZE! FBI! - NO! LEAVE ME ALONE! 318 00:11:30,223 --> 00:11:32,325 - HANDS IN THE AIR! - I DIDN'T KILL ANYBODY! 319 00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:33,827 AND I DIDN'T BURN DOWN THE MILL EITHER. 320 00:11:33,861 --> 00:11:35,062 MY SISTER DID. 321 00:11:35,095 --> 00:11:37,030 BUT NOW SHE'S BEEN EATEN BY WOLVES! 322 00:11:37,064 --> 00:11:38,331 [sobbing wildly] 323 00:11:38,365 --> 00:11:41,468 - NOTHING TO SEE HERE. 324 00:11:41,501 --> 00:11:43,937 - SO HOW DID YOU TWO MEET? - WE MET AT THE SUPERMARKET. 325 00:11:43,971 --> 00:11:45,839 - I USED MY CLASSIC PICKUP LINE. 326 00:11:45,873 --> 00:11:48,876 IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR DOUCHES, THEY'RE IN AISLE ME. 327 00:11:48,909 --> 00:11:50,844 - AWESOME. - YEAH. 328 00:11:50,878 --> 00:11:52,813 - OH, HEY, BY THE WAY, I DON'T THINK I CAN GET THAT BOOK BACK 329 00:11:52,846 --> 00:11:54,247 FROM, UM, WHAT'S-HIS-NAME. 330 00:11:54,281 --> 00:11:55,749 - OH, THAT'S OKAY. 331 00:11:55,783 --> 00:11:57,250 I MEAN, I SHOULD'VE KNOWN BETTER 332 00:11:57,284 --> 00:11:59,219 THAN TO LOAN SOMETHING TO ONE OF YOUR BOYFRIENDS. 333 00:11:59,252 --> 00:12:00,821 THEY COME AND GO SO FAST. 334 00:12:00,854 --> 00:12:02,389 - UH, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING EXACTLY? 335 00:12:02,422 --> 00:12:03,924 - WELL, I MEAN, LET'S BE HONEST. 336 00:12:03,957 --> 00:12:05,325 HOW LONG IS IT GONNA LAST WITH THIS GUY? 337 00:12:05,358 --> 00:12:06,960 - SITTING RIGHT HERE. 338 00:12:06,994 --> 00:12:08,295 - I DON'T KNOW. HE'S DUMB, BUT HE'S FUN. 339 00:12:08,328 --> 00:12:09,930 - THANK YOU. 340 00:12:09,963 --> 00:12:11,865 - I MEAN, THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT OF DATING AROUND 341 00:12:11,899 --> 00:12:13,333 IS YOU GET TO TRY ON A BUNCH OF DIFFERENT HATS. 342 00:12:13,366 --> 00:12:15,235 - WELL, THIS HAT IS AN IDIOT. 343 00:12:15,268 --> 00:12:16,970 - HA HA. CLASSIC. 344 00:12:17,004 --> 00:12:19,372 - LESLIE, ARE YOU MAD THAT I CAME HERE? 345 00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:21,074 - WHAT? NO. 346 00:12:21,108 --> 00:12:23,210 I'M NOT--ARE YOU-- YOU SEEM MAD AT ME. 347 00:12:23,243 --> 00:12:24,945 - NO, I'M NOT-- I'M NOT MAD AT YOU. 348 00:12:24,978 --> 00:12:26,279 - I'M NOT MAD AT YOU. - I'M NOT MAD AT ALL. 349 00:12:26,313 --> 00:12:29,216 - NEITHER AM I. - NO. 350 00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:31,518 - LOOKS LIKE YOU TWO NEED TO KISS AND MAKE UP. 351 00:12:31,551 --> 00:12:33,153 - ALL RIGHT. - REOW. 352 00:12:33,186 --> 00:12:36,389 - HELLO. MY NAME IS RON SWANSON. 353 00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:39,026 IN GENERAL, I TRY NEVER TO SPEAK WITH PEOPLE, 354 00:12:39,059 --> 00:12:41,428 BUT I HAVE BEEN DRINKING THIS SNAKEJUICE THING, 355 00:12:41,461 --> 00:12:42,896 AND IT'S DAMN GOOD. 356 00:12:42,930 --> 00:12:44,397 YOU SHOULD BUY IT. 357 00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:46,099 - YEAH, OKAY. THANKS, MAN. 358 00:12:46,133 --> 00:12:48,902 - SON, YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT MY RECOMMENDATION 359 00:12:48,936 --> 00:12:50,871 IS ESSENTIALLY A GUARANTEE. 360 00:12:50,904 --> 00:12:52,539 DRINK THIS, NOW. 361 00:12:52,572 --> 00:12:54,975 [hip-hop music] 362 00:12:55,008 --> 00:12:58,245 - TRAEGERMEISTER! YOU MADE IT. 363 00:12:58,278 --> 00:13:01,248 - YEAH, I GOT YOUR EMAIL. WE NEED TO TALK. 364 00:13:01,281 --> 00:13:04,517 - FIRST OFF, THOUGH, TRY A LITTLE SNAKEJUICE. 365 00:13:04,551 --> 00:13:05,953 IT'S 140 PROOF, 366 00:13:05,986 --> 00:13:07,320 WHICH MEANS IT'S 70% ALCOHOL. 367 00:13:07,354 --> 00:13:09,056 BUT DON'T WORRY. 368 00:13:09,089 --> 00:13:10,958 THERE'S PLENTY CAFFEINE IN IT TO KEEP YOU AWAKE. 369 00:13:10,991 --> 00:13:14,995 - I BELIEVE AN OUNCE OF THAT WOULD LITERALLY KILL ME. 370 00:13:15,028 --> 00:13:17,130 YOU EMAILED EVERYONE AT CITY HALL 371 00:13:17,164 --> 00:13:19,166 AND TOLD THEM TO COME TO A CLUB 372 00:13:19,199 --> 00:13:22,870 THAT YOU OWN TO BUY ALCOHOL THAT YOU INVENTED. 373 00:13:22,903 --> 00:13:25,338 GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES CAN'T USE THEIR POWER 374 00:13:25,372 --> 00:13:27,074 TO ENHANCE THEIR PERSONAL WEALTH. 375 00:13:27,107 --> 00:13:28,375 - I TOTALLY GET YOUR POINT, CHRIS. 376 00:13:28,408 --> 00:13:29,943 IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN. 377 00:13:29,977 --> 00:13:32,012 - I JUST DON'T SEE ANY WAY AROUND IT. 378 00:13:32,045 --> 00:13:33,881 YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SELL YOUR SHARES IN THE SNAKEHOLE. 379 00:13:33,914 --> 00:13:35,115 - NO! 380 00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:36,549 - T-PAIN, THIS GUY BOTHERING YOU? 381 00:13:36,583 --> 00:13:38,618 - THIS IS MY BOSS. - OKAY, YEAH. 382 00:13:38,651 --> 00:13:40,253 YOU WANT ME TO WRITE A RAP ABOUT YOUR NAME? 383 00:13:40,287 --> 00:13:41,855 - YES. 384 00:13:41,889 --> 00:13:43,523 - * "B" TO THE "O" TO THE DOUBLE "S" * 385 00:13:43,556 --> 00:13:47,627 * DO WHAT HE SAY, AND YOU'LL BE SUCCESSFUL * 386 00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:49,296 - NO OFFENSE, BUT MAYBE YOU THINK I'M GOING TOO FAST 387 00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:51,164 'CAUSE YOU'RE GOING TOO SLOW WITH BEN. 388 00:13:51,198 --> 00:13:53,633 - NO OFFENSE, BUT I'M GOING SLOW BECAUSE I MIGHT LOSE MY JOB. 389 00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:55,402 - OKAY, NO OFFENSE, BUT MAYBE THAT'S 390 00:13:55,435 --> 00:13:57,470 A LITTLE BIT OF AN EXCUSE FOR NOT ACTING ON YOUR FEELINGS. 391 00:13:57,504 --> 00:13:59,039 - NO OFFENSE, BUT I DON'T REMEMBER YOU 392 00:13:59,072 --> 00:14:00,941 HAVING A NURSING DEGREE IN FEELINGS. 393 00:14:00,974 --> 00:14:02,475 - OFFENSE! THAT'S RUDE. 394 00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:03,610 I'M GONNA GO DANCE. 395 00:14:03,643 --> 00:14:05,212 DOUCHE, YOU'RE UP. 396 00:14:05,245 --> 00:14:07,114 - UH, UH. MMM. 397 00:14:07,147 --> 00:14:09,416 - HEY, ARE YOU OKAY? I HEARD YELLING. 398 00:14:09,449 --> 00:14:11,251 - YEAH, I'M VERY ANGRY, AND I'M REALLY DRUNK. 399 00:14:11,284 --> 00:14:14,521 DO YOU WANT TO DANCE WITH ME? GO GET ME ANOTHER "SNORKJUICE." 400 00:14:14,554 --> 00:14:16,623 - OH, THAT'S MAYBE NOT THE BEST IDEA FOR YOU. 401 00:14:16,656 --> 00:14:18,091 - FORGET IT. JEAN-RALPHIO! 402 00:14:18,125 --> 00:14:19,426 - YES, I'M HERE. - DANCE UP ON ME. 403 00:14:19,459 --> 00:14:21,528 - YES, YES, YES. 404 00:14:21,561 --> 00:14:24,531 [dance music] 405 00:14:24,564 --> 00:14:30,370 * 406 00:14:30,403 --> 00:14:32,672 - HOW'S IT GOING WITH HER? 407 00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:35,542 - UH, WELL, NOTHING'S GOING AT ALL, REALLY, 408 00:14:35,575 --> 00:14:38,111 BECAUSE THE-- I DON'T KNOW. 409 00:14:38,145 --> 00:14:40,113 I FEEL LIKE I JUST DID SOMETHING WRONG. 410 00:14:40,147 --> 00:14:42,415 SHE DIDN'T SEEM TO WANT TO TALK TO ME. 411 00:14:42,449 --> 00:14:44,417 - YOU SHOULD TRY ROLE PLAY. THAT'S WHAT ME AND APRIL DO. 412 00:14:44,451 --> 00:14:46,219 - THAT EXPLAINS THE OUTFITS. 413 00:14:46,253 --> 00:14:48,221 - YEAH, YOU GOT TO DREAM UP SOME WEIRD SCENARIO 414 00:14:48,255 --> 00:14:50,057 LIKE YOU'RE HER BOSS AND SEX IS FORBIDDEN 415 00:14:50,090 --> 00:14:53,026 BECAUSE SHE WORKS FOR YOU. 416 00:14:53,060 --> 00:14:55,528 - THAT IS OUR ACTUAL SITUATION. 417 00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:58,231 - AND SHE'S ADDICTED TO SPANKING. 418 00:14:58,265 --> 00:15:01,701 - OKAY, THANKS. WE GOT IT. WE'RE GOOD. 419 00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:04,471 - IF YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT WORKING WITH CHRIS, 420 00:15:04,504 --> 00:15:05,505 IT DOESN'T MATTER. 421 00:15:05,538 --> 00:15:06,673 HE'S--HE'S FINE WITH IT. 422 00:15:06,706 --> 00:15:08,241 HE SAID IT WOULDN'T BE WEIRD. 423 00:15:08,275 --> 00:15:10,710 - YOU TALKED TO CHRIS BEFORE YOU TALKED TO ME? 424 00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:12,379 - EXCUSE ME! 425 00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:13,546 THIS IS MY FIRST FIGHT WITH ANN, 426 00:15:13,580 --> 00:15:15,315 AND IT'S A DOOZY. 427 00:15:15,348 --> 00:15:18,418 BUT I BELIEVE THAT HONEST DISCUSSIONS BETWEEN FRIENDS 428 00:15:18,451 --> 00:15:20,053 CAN LEAD TO DEEPER INTIMACY. 429 00:15:20,087 --> 00:15:22,289 THIS IS A WATERSHED MOMENT IN OUR RELATIONSHIP, 430 00:15:22,322 --> 00:15:23,991 AND IT'S IMPORTANT THAT WE FIGHT CLEAN. 431 00:15:24,024 --> 00:15:27,727 ALL I NEED TO DO IS FOCUS AND STAY CALM. 432 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:31,431 YOU'RE STUPID, AND YOU'RE DRUNK, AND YOU'RE STUPID. 433 00:15:31,464 --> 00:15:34,434 - OH! I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THIS IS MY FAULT. 434 00:15:34,467 --> 00:15:36,569 - IT'S NOT--EVERYTHING ISN'T YOUR FAULT ALL THE TIME. 435 00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:38,438 DON'T ALWAYS MAKE EVERYTHING YOUR FAULT. 436 00:15:38,471 --> 00:15:41,241 - GOOD! IT'S NOT ALL MY FAULT. I'M NOT THE STUPID JERK. 437 00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:42,675 I'M NOT THE ONE WHO'S BEING A STUPID JERK RIGHT NOW. 438 00:15:42,709 --> 00:15:44,144 - I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT. 439 00:15:44,177 --> 00:15:45,412 YOU KNOW I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT. 440 00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:46,613 I JUST MEANT YOU WERE BEING STUPID, 441 00:15:46,646 --> 00:15:48,515 AND YOU WERE ACTING LIKE A JERK. 442 00:15:48,548 --> 00:15:51,318 LOOK, I'M SORRY THAT I THOUGHT ABOUT YOU FOR THE JOB, OKAY? 443 00:15:51,351 --> 00:15:53,520 BUT SOMETIMES IF I DON'T PUSH YOU IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION, 444 00:15:53,553 --> 00:15:55,022 YOU END UP STANDING STILL. 445 00:15:55,055 --> 00:15:57,024 I WAS JUST TRYING TO DO YOU A FAVOR. 446 00:15:57,057 --> 00:16:00,060 - ENOUGH WITH YOUR FAVORS, OKAY? 447 00:16:00,093 --> 00:16:01,728 STOP. 448 00:16:05,198 --> 00:16:08,168 - MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T WORK TOGETHER, THEN. 449 00:16:08,201 --> 00:16:10,470 - MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T. 450 00:16:13,340 --> 00:16:14,774 - EVERY TIME I CLEANSE, 451 00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:18,178 I CAN LITERALLY FEEL THE TOXINS LEAVING MY BODY. 452 00:16:18,211 --> 00:16:20,113 - I KNOW! I FEEL SO MUCH HEALTHIER. 453 00:16:20,147 --> 00:16:22,782 I'VE STILL GOT A FULL WEEK TO GO BEFORE THE BROTH STAGE. 454 00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:26,753 - MMM! PRE-BROTH IS AN AMAZING STAGE. 455 00:16:26,786 --> 00:16:28,488 IT'S WHEN YOU'RE MOST ALERT. 456 00:16:28,521 --> 00:16:30,523 - GOOD. SOMEONE NEEDS TO BE ALERT TONIGHT. 457 00:16:30,557 --> 00:16:33,193 THIS SNAKEJUICE IS BASICALLY RAT POISON. 458 00:16:33,226 --> 00:16:35,162 EVERYBODY'S WASTED. 459 00:16:35,195 --> 00:16:37,630 - YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE THING. I DIDN'T EVEN SAY ONE THING. 460 00:16:37,664 --> 00:16:39,099 AND THEN SHE ASKED ME THE WHOLE THING, 461 00:16:39,132 --> 00:16:40,400 AND I DIDN'T EVEN DO IT ONCE. 462 00:16:40,433 --> 00:16:42,435 - I'M LIKE AN ELEPHANT, OKAY? 463 00:16:42,469 --> 00:16:45,638 IF I WALK INTO A ROOM, IT'S LIKE, OKAY, HE'S IN THERE. 464 00:16:45,672 --> 00:16:47,807 - I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU. 465 00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:50,677 THAT--THAT BITCH OVER THERE, 466 00:16:50,710 --> 00:16:52,745 I'M GONNA--I'M GONNA TELL-- I DON'T HAVE TO-- 467 00:16:52,779 --> 00:16:54,214 I DON'T HAVE TO BRAG. 468 00:16:54,247 --> 00:16:55,215 - [laughs] 469 00:16:55,248 --> 00:16:57,117 BABA BOOEY. 470 00:16:58,851 --> 00:17:00,420 - TURN THIS MUSIC DOWN. 471 00:17:00,453 --> 00:17:06,159 * FARTS AND POOP AND LOVE AND STUFF * 472 00:17:06,193 --> 00:17:09,296 * MACARONI SALAD 473 00:17:09,329 --> 00:17:13,733 - [speaking gibberish in Spanish] 474 00:17:14,801 --> 00:17:18,705 - [laughs] 475 00:17:18,738 --> 00:17:20,740 [coughs] 476 00:17:22,409 --> 00:17:25,378 [upbeat hip-hop music] 477 00:17:25,412 --> 00:17:26,779 * 478 00:17:26,813 --> 00:17:29,282 - IS THIS EVERYBODY? - ANN TOOK A CAB. 479 00:17:29,316 --> 00:17:31,551 TOM'S IN THE TRUNK. JERRY'S ON THE ROOF. 480 00:17:31,584 --> 00:17:33,553 ALL RIGHT, WHERE TO FIRST? 481 00:17:33,586 --> 00:17:35,288 - YOUR MOTHER'S BUTT. 482 00:17:35,322 --> 00:17:37,424 [laughter] 483 00:17:37,457 --> 00:17:39,426 - I'M SO ALONE. 484 00:17:39,459 --> 00:17:41,461 - IF EVEN ONE OF YOU THINKS ABOUT DRY HEAVING IN MY CAR, 485 00:17:41,494 --> 00:17:43,463 YOU'RE ALL WALKING HOME. 486 00:17:48,135 --> 00:17:49,702 - LESLIE. 487 00:17:49,736 --> 00:17:53,406 - I'M HERE. 488 00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:55,142 - WE HAVE TO GO HIRE A NEW P.R. DIRECTOR 489 00:17:55,175 --> 00:17:56,409 FOR THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT. 490 00:17:56,443 --> 00:17:58,311 - OH, MY GOD. I'M SO HUNGOVER. 491 00:17:58,345 --> 00:18:01,648 I'VE NEVER BEEN THIS HUNGOVER. ARE WE DEAD? 492 00:18:01,681 --> 00:18:03,816 - I FEEL GREAT. I RAN 5K THIS MORNING. 493 00:18:03,850 --> 00:18:05,118 - REALLY? 494 00:18:05,152 --> 00:18:07,120 - NO, I THREW UP IN THE SHOWER. 495 00:18:07,154 --> 00:18:09,222 - TOP OF THE MORNING, EVERYONE. 496 00:18:09,256 --> 00:18:12,659 I BROUGHT SOME BURGERS AND FRIES. 497 00:18:12,692 --> 00:18:13,893 EAT UP. 498 00:18:13,926 --> 00:18:16,396 THE PROTEIN SOAKS UP THE SUGAR. 499 00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:17,764 [whistling] 500 00:18:17,797 --> 00:18:21,201 FIRST, YOU TAKE THE COW TO THE KILLING FLOOR. 501 00:18:21,234 --> 00:18:23,903 - WELL, I AM OUT OF QUESTIONS. 502 00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:27,907 - THANK YOU. WE WILL LET YOU KNOW. 503 00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:30,210 THEN OUR HEADS WILL EXPLODE, AND WE WILL DIE. 504 00:18:30,243 --> 00:18:31,778 - OH, GOD. - OH. 505 00:18:31,811 --> 00:18:34,381 - I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT FIGHT I HAD WITH ANN. 506 00:18:34,414 --> 00:18:36,649 - LOOK, I'M SURE YOU GUYS CAN WORK IT OUT. 507 00:18:36,683 --> 00:18:39,786 - I OWE HER, LIKE, A MILLION APOLOGIES. 508 00:18:39,819 --> 00:18:41,921 I THINK I OWE YOU ONE, TOO. 509 00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:44,724 I'M SORRY. - FOR WHAT? 510 00:18:44,757 --> 00:18:47,294 - I DON'T KNOW. 511 00:18:47,327 --> 00:18:48,828 - ARE YOU OKAY? 512 00:18:48,861 --> 00:18:53,300 - NO, I'M SAD. 513 00:18:59,672 --> 00:19:01,541 - SAY, THANKS, CHUM. - UGH. 514 00:19:01,574 --> 00:19:03,343 - I'LL GET THOSE PAPERS DELIVERED FOR YOU... 515 00:19:03,376 --> 00:19:04,877 - WHATEVER. 516 00:19:04,911 --> 00:19:07,647 - POSTHASTE. 517 00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:10,883 - THE DOCTOR SAYS IT'S PROBABLY NOT SERIOUS, BUT IT MIGHT BE. 518 00:19:10,917 --> 00:19:13,220 - OH, KYLE, PLEASE STOP TALKING. 519 00:19:13,253 --> 00:19:17,257 - UH, RING-A-DING-DING. WHO'S CALLING? 520 00:19:17,290 --> 00:19:19,326 OH, IS IT JANET SNAKEHOLE? WHY, YES IT IS. 521 00:19:19,359 --> 00:19:21,394 AND WHO IS SHE CALLING FOR? MR. BERT MACKLIN. 522 00:19:21,428 --> 00:19:22,729 AND I'LL TELL YOU ANOTHER THING. 523 00:19:22,762 --> 00:19:25,332 [gibberish] ...GOING DOWN THE THING. 524 00:19:25,365 --> 00:19:26,933 WE WERE GOING DOWN THE THING, AND THERE YOU GO, 525 00:19:26,966 --> 00:19:28,401 WE WERE GOING REAL FAST. 526 00:19:28,435 --> 00:19:29,569 AND NOW WHO'S THIS SORRY CHARLIE? 527 00:19:29,602 --> 00:19:30,703 THIS SAD SACK OF POTATOES? 528 00:19:30,737 --> 00:19:31,938 - OH, HONEY, PLEASE. 529 00:19:31,971 --> 00:19:33,273 I LOVE YOU. 530 00:19:33,306 --> 00:19:34,607 NO OFFENSE... 531 00:19:34,641 --> 00:19:36,643 BUT BERT MACKLIN DIED LAST NIGHT 532 00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:38,811 AFTER THE TENTH SHOT OF SNAKEJUICE. 533 00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:43,783 - OKAY, SORRY. 534 00:19:44,884 --> 00:19:47,220 - MISS SNAKEHOLE. 535 00:19:49,322 --> 00:19:51,358 YOU THINK I'D LET YOU GET AWAY THAT EASILY? 536 00:19:51,391 --> 00:19:53,660 BERT MACKLIN MAY BE DEAD, 537 00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:58,731 BUT I'M HIS BROTHER KIP HACKMAN. 538 00:19:58,765 --> 00:20:01,234 - WHY WOULDN'T YOU HAVE HIS SAME LAST NAME? 539 00:20:01,268 --> 00:20:02,635 - SHUT UP, KYLE. 540 00:20:02,669 --> 00:20:04,937 I KNOW YOU BOOSTED THOSE PAINTINGS. 541 00:20:04,971 --> 00:20:08,541 - MAYBE IT WAS ME, BUT I'LL NEVER TELL YOU WHERE THEY ARE. 542 00:20:08,575 --> 00:20:10,843 AND YOU'LL NEVER HAVE MY BODY EITHER. 543 00:20:14,514 --> 00:20:16,949 - T, YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT A THING. WHY? 544 00:20:16,983 --> 00:20:19,586 BECAUSE I'M GONNA KEEP THOSE SHARES REAL TIGHT FOR YOU. 545 00:20:19,619 --> 00:20:21,754 REAL NICE AND COZY, LIKE. 546 00:20:21,788 --> 00:20:23,256 - SORRY TO HEAR THE NEWS, TOM. 547 00:20:23,290 --> 00:20:25,024 WE'RE GONNA MISS YOU AROUND THE CLUB. 548 00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:27,660 - HEY, YOU OWN SHARES, TOO. WHY DIDN'T CHRIS MAKE YOU SELL? 549 00:20:27,694 --> 00:20:29,496 - 'CAUSE CHRIS DOESN'T KNOW. 550 00:20:29,529 --> 00:20:31,264 YOU KNOW WHAT? 551 00:20:31,298 --> 00:20:33,733 SNITCHES GET STITCHES. 552 00:20:33,766 --> 00:20:36,803 - DONNA, COME ON. - DON'T. 553 00:20:36,836 --> 00:20:38,405 - I'M A NATURAL MONEYMAKER. 554 00:20:38,438 --> 00:20:40,907 I GOT INTO GOVERNMENT FOR THE CONNECTIONS. 555 00:20:40,940 --> 00:20:43,343 THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A THING THAT LED TO THE OTHER THING. 556 00:20:43,376 --> 00:20:45,278 IT'S LIKE WHEN VIN DID BOILER ROOM. 557 00:20:45,312 --> 00:20:46,546 THAT'S WHAT LEAD TO HIM BEING XXX AND DOING FURIOUS. 558 00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:48,047 - AND FURIOUS. YEAH, I KNOW. 559 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:49,882 LISTEN, I DON'T LIKE ALL THIS NEGATIVITY, MAN. 560 00:20:49,916 --> 00:20:53,386 WHY DON'T YOU TURN THAT FRIZZ-OWN UPSIDE-DIZZ-ITY? 561 00:20:53,420 --> 00:20:54,921 HUH? - THIS SUCKS, MAN. 562 00:20:54,954 --> 00:20:57,790 [knock at door] 563 00:20:57,824 --> 00:20:59,792 - OH. 564 00:20:59,826 --> 00:21:02,329 - YOU'RE WEARING SNOW PANTS. 565 00:21:02,362 --> 00:21:03,663 - I GOT HOME LAST NIGHT, 566 00:21:03,696 --> 00:21:05,965 AND I THOUGHT I MIGHT GO SLEDDING. 567 00:21:07,367 --> 00:21:08,568 - CAN I COME IN? 568 00:21:08,601 --> 00:21:10,637 - YEAH, IF YOU'RE QUIET. - OKAY. 569 00:21:10,670 --> 00:21:13,373 - [groans] 570 00:21:13,406 --> 00:21:14,807 - UH, LESLIE DOESN'T KNOW I'M HERE. 571 00:21:14,841 --> 00:21:17,944 - OH, GOD. SO HIGH SCHOOL-- 572 00:21:17,977 --> 00:21:20,513 I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT LESLIE AND I GOT DRUNK IN A BAR 573 00:21:20,547 --> 00:21:21,781 AND FOUGHT ABOUT BOYS. 574 00:21:21,814 --> 00:21:23,816 WE'RE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT. 575 00:21:23,850 --> 00:21:26,319 I JUST KEEP HAVING FLASHES OF THINGS 576 00:21:26,353 --> 00:21:28,788 THAT WE SAID TO EACH OTHER. 577 00:21:28,821 --> 00:21:31,358 AND SHE'S SO IMPORTANT TO ME. 578 00:21:31,391 --> 00:21:33,092 I ACTED LIKE SUCH A DICK. 579 00:21:33,125 --> 00:21:34,661 - I DON'T KNOW YOU THAT WELL, 580 00:21:34,694 --> 00:21:35,728 BUT YOU'RE CLEARLY 581 00:21:35,762 --> 00:21:37,664 VERY IMPORTANT TO LESLIE, 582 00:21:37,697 --> 00:21:39,599 AND THAT MUST MEAN YOU'RE A PRETTY GREAT PERSON. 583 00:21:39,632 --> 00:21:41,334 I KNOW SHE FEELS AWFUL. 584 00:21:41,368 --> 00:21:44,337 I MEAN, TECHNICALLY, WE ALL DO. 585 00:21:44,371 --> 00:21:46,839 - YEAH. WHAT THE HELL IS IN SNAKEJUICE-- 586 00:21:46,873 --> 00:21:48,107 DEMEROL? 587 00:21:48,140 --> 00:21:50,109 - ALL I KNOW IS LESLIE'S ALWAYS TALKING 588 00:21:50,142 --> 00:21:53,112 ABOUT HOW LUCKY SHE IS TO HAVE YOU AS A FRIEND. 589 00:21:53,145 --> 00:21:57,884 AND I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT. 590 00:21:57,917 --> 00:21:59,986 - YOU'RE NICE. 591 00:22:00,019 --> 00:22:01,988 I CAN SEE WHY SHE LIKES YOU. 592 00:22:02,021 --> 00:22:04,857 - WHEN DID SHE SAY-- LIKES ME? 593 00:22:04,891 --> 00:22:06,526 - OH, GOD. THIS IS SO HIGH SCHOOL. 594 00:22:06,559 --> 00:22:09,796 JUST RENT A LIMO, ASK HER TO THE PROM. 595 00:22:09,829 --> 00:22:11,063 I'M SURE SHE'LL SAY YES. 596 00:22:11,097 --> 00:22:13,466 - ALL RIGHT. THANKS. 597 00:22:13,500 --> 00:22:15,668 - SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT. 598 00:22:15,702 --> 00:22:17,870 TOM TRIES TO GET OFF THE GOVERNMENT TEET, 599 00:22:17,904 --> 00:22:19,138 AND WE PUNISH HIM. 600 00:22:19,171 --> 00:22:20,940 THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE TO ME. 601 00:22:20,973 --> 00:22:23,142 - I'M SORRY. RULES ARE RULES. 602 00:22:23,175 --> 00:22:25,412 I WISH THERE WAS SOMETHING WE COULD DO. 603 00:22:25,445 --> 00:22:27,514 BEN, IS THERE SOMETHING WE CAN DO? 604 00:22:27,547 --> 00:22:28,948 DAMN IT. BEN'S NOT HERE. 605 00:22:28,981 --> 00:22:30,750 - TOM'S NOT SCAMMING ANYONE. 606 00:22:30,783 --> 00:22:33,019 HE'S NOT SAVVY ENOUGH TO MANIPULATE THE SYSTEM LIKE THAT. 607 00:22:33,052 --> 00:22:36,389 HE'S JUST A KID CHASING A GOOFY DREAM. 608 00:22:36,423 --> 00:22:40,393 - I'M SORRY. MY HANDS ARE TIED. 609 00:22:40,427 --> 00:22:42,895 - JAN COOPER WAS A TERRIBLE WIFE. 610 00:22:42,929 --> 00:22:44,797 I JUST WANT EVERYBODY TO KNOW THAT. 611 00:22:44,831 --> 00:22:46,666 - THANK YOU, DENNIS. 612 00:22:46,699 --> 00:22:49,068 BUT WE CAN'T GIVE YOU YOUR JOB BACK. 613 00:22:49,101 --> 00:22:51,704 - YOU SOUND JUST LIKE HER. 614 00:22:51,738 --> 00:22:53,406 - THAT WAS UNPLEASANT. - YEAH. 615 00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:55,742 ALL RIGHT, WHO'S NEXT? 616 00:22:55,775 --> 00:22:56,976 YOU CAME. 617 00:22:57,009 --> 00:22:59,579 - YEAH, I HAD SOME ENCOURAGEMENT. 618 00:22:59,612 --> 00:23:02,782 - YOUR SWEATER'S ON INSIDE OUT. 619 00:23:02,815 --> 00:23:05,051 - AND BACKWARDS. 620 00:23:05,084 --> 00:23:06,686 IT'S BEEN A TOUGH MORNING-- 621 00:23:06,719 --> 00:23:09,522 LOTS OF REGRET AND SHAME. 622 00:23:09,556 --> 00:23:12,725 THAT SHOULD BE THE OFFICIAL SLOGAN FOR SNAKEJUICE. 623 00:23:12,759 --> 00:23:15,562 - [clears throat] WELL, UH, THIS COMMITTEE WOULD LIKE TO ASK 624 00:23:15,595 --> 00:23:17,129 IF YOU ARE THE KIND OF CANDIDATE 625 00:23:17,163 --> 00:23:18,798 WHO COULD FORGIVE SOMEONE 626 00:23:18,831 --> 00:23:20,933 AFTER THEY'VE BEHAVED LIKE A COMPLETE JACKASS? 627 00:23:20,967 --> 00:23:23,436 - THIS CANDIDATE COULD, 628 00:23:23,470 --> 00:23:27,006 ESPECIALLY BECAUSE THIS CANDIDATE ALSO BEHAVED 629 00:23:27,039 --> 00:23:28,575 LIKE A TOTAL JACKASS. 630 00:23:28,608 --> 00:23:30,109 - PLEASE, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. 631 00:23:30,142 --> 00:23:31,944 THE COMMITTEE TOTALLY UNDERSTANDS. 632 00:23:31,978 --> 00:23:35,114 - ALSO, I CAN TALK ABOUT MY QUALIFICATIONS 633 00:23:35,147 --> 00:23:36,849 FOR THIS POSITION. 634 00:23:36,883 --> 00:23:40,587 BUT FIRST, I AM GONNA GO THROW UP IN A WASTEBASKET. 635 00:23:40,620 --> 00:23:42,154 - WOULD YOU MIND IF I JOINED YOU? 636 00:23:42,188 --> 00:23:43,623 - NOT AT ALL. 637 00:23:43,656 --> 00:23:46,826 SHALL WE? 638 00:23:46,859 --> 00:23:48,160 - ANN CAME IN THE NEXT DAY 639 00:23:48,194 --> 00:23:50,029 AND HAD A SECOND INTERVIEW WITH CHRIS. 640 00:23:50,062 --> 00:23:51,898 SHE NAILED IT, OF COURSE. 641 00:23:51,931 --> 00:23:54,033 BUT SHE DOESN'T WANT TO TOTALLY LEAVE HER JOB. 642 00:23:54,066 --> 00:23:56,235 SO THEY STRUCK UP A DEAL. 643 00:23:56,268 --> 00:23:57,804 SHE WORKS AT CITY HALL PART-TIME, 644 00:23:57,837 --> 00:24:00,039 AND TWO DAYS A WEEK, SHE STILL GETS TO BE 645 00:24:00,072 --> 00:24:01,140 THE GREATEST NURSE IN THE WORLD. 646 00:24:01,173 --> 00:24:02,875 WIN-WIN. 647 00:24:02,909 --> 00:24:06,245 WE NEED TO REMEMBER WHAT'S IMPORTANT IN LIFE-- 648 00:24:06,278 --> 00:24:09,482 FRIENDS, WAFFLES, AND WORK. 649 00:24:09,516 --> 00:24:11,250 OR WAFFLES, FRIENDS, WORK-- IT DOESN'T MATTER. 650 00:24:11,283 --> 00:24:12,819 BUT WORK IS THIRD. 651 00:24:16,088 --> 00:24:17,757 - SO LISTEN, CRAZY IRA, CHECK THIS OUT, OKAY? 652 00:24:17,790 --> 00:24:18,758 I'M AT THIS CLUB LAST NIGHT JUST KILLING IT-- 653 00:24:18,791 --> 00:24:19,959 THE SNAKEHOLE LOUNGE. 654 00:24:19,992 --> 00:24:22,261 - OH, YEAH, IS THAT A GAY CLUB? 655 00:24:22,294 --> 00:24:23,796 HELLO? 656 00:24:23,830 --> 00:24:26,098 - [laughing] SHUT UP, ASS. COME ON, MAN. 657 00:24:26,132 --> 00:24:31,638 SO I'M DANCING ON THE FLOOR WITH THIS SUPER-HOT CHICK. 658 00:24:31,671 --> 00:24:33,239 - * ME SO HORNY 659 00:24:33,272 --> 00:24:34,941 - MORE LIKE A DUDE, I BET. 660 00:24:34,974 --> 00:24:37,043 - HELLO? [laughter] 661 00:24:37,076 --> 00:24:38,811 - DID YOU WET YOUR WHISTLE? 662 00:24:38,845 --> 00:24:40,079 [slide whistle] - I WISH. 663 00:24:40,112 --> 00:24:41,748 - ME LIKEY. - NO, NO, NO, NO. 664 00:24:41,781 --> 00:24:44,050 SHE SPENT THE WHOLE NIGHT TALKING TO HER FRIEND, 665 00:24:44,083 --> 00:24:46,152 ARGUING ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS. - THAT'S ME! 666 00:24:46,185 --> 00:24:48,521 - WHO KNOWS? SHE'S PROBABLY A LESBIAN. 667 00:24:48,555 --> 00:24:51,724 THEY WERE IN THE BATHROOM A LONG TIME. 668 00:24:51,758 --> 00:24:55,061 [Melissa Etheridge's Come to My Window]