1 00:00:02,536 --> 00:00:03,771 - GOOD MORNING, RON. 2 00:00:03,804 --> 00:00:06,307 - GOOD MORNING. 3 00:00:06,340 --> 00:00:09,377 I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU ENJOY PAPERWORK, BUT DON'T HOVER. 4 00:00:09,410 --> 00:00:11,145 - NICE BENCH. IS THAT NEW? 5 00:00:11,179 --> 00:00:13,614 - NO, THAT'S BEEN THERE SINCE THE '90s. 6 00:00:13,647 --> 00:00:15,349 - WHAT ARE YOU DOING FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY ON FRIDAY? 7 00:00:15,383 --> 00:00:18,219 - NOTHING. I NEVER D-- 8 00:00:18,252 --> 00:00:20,254 - AHA! - OH, GOD. 9 00:00:20,288 --> 00:00:22,223 - * BIRTHDAY, BIRTHDAY, BIRTHDAY * 10 00:00:22,256 --> 00:00:24,192 * IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY 11 00:00:24,225 --> 00:00:26,127 * IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, AND I KNOW WHEN IT IS * 12 00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:29,230 RON REFUSES TO TELL ANYONE WHEN HIS BIRTHDAY IS. 13 00:00:29,263 --> 00:00:32,133 HE'S EVEN HAD IT REDACTED ON ALL GOVERNMENT DOCUMENTS. 14 00:00:32,166 --> 00:00:35,069 THREE YEARS OF INVESTIGATIONS, PHONE CALLS, 15 00:00:35,103 --> 00:00:37,205 FREEDOM OF INFORMATION ACT REQUESTS, 16 00:00:37,238 --> 00:00:38,439 AND STILL, I HAD NOTHING... 17 00:00:38,472 --> 00:00:43,144 UNTIL A WELL-PLACED BRIBE TO A GENTLEMAN AT BASKIN-ROBBINS 18 00:00:43,177 --> 00:00:45,179 REVEALED... 19 00:00:45,213 --> 00:00:47,148 RON'S BIRTHDAY IS ON FRIDAY. 20 00:00:47,181 --> 00:00:48,816 - DAMN IT. I WAS SO CAREFUL. 21 00:00:48,849 --> 00:00:50,151 - WELL, YOU BLEW IT. 22 00:00:50,184 --> 00:00:52,220 ALL FOR A FREE SCOOP OF RUM RAISIN. 23 00:00:52,253 --> 00:00:54,588 WAS IT WORTH IT, RON? WAS IT? 24 00:00:54,622 --> 00:00:56,490 - I COMMAND YOU TO DO NOTHING. 25 00:00:56,524 --> 00:00:58,492 - I'M NOT GONNA DO NOTHING. I'M GONNA DO SOMETHING. 26 00:00:58,526 --> 00:00:59,727 AND IT'S GONNA BE REALLY BIG. 27 00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:01,729 I HAVE A LOT OF YEARS TO MAKE UP FOR. 28 00:01:01,762 --> 00:01:05,499 - I DON'T LIKE LOUD NOISES AND PEOPLE MAKING A FUSS, 29 00:01:05,533 --> 00:01:08,136 AND I ESPECIALLY DON'T LIKE PEOPLE CELEBRATING 30 00:01:08,169 --> 00:01:12,306 BECAUSE THEY KNOW A PIECE OF PRIVATE INFORMATION ABOUT ME. 31 00:01:12,340 --> 00:01:14,442 PLUS, THE WHOLE THING IS A SCAM. 32 00:01:14,475 --> 00:01:18,246 BIRTHDAYS WERE INVENTED BY HALLMARK TO SELL CARDS. 33 00:01:18,279 --> 00:01:21,249 [triumphant music] 34 00:01:21,282 --> 00:01:29,290 * 35 00:01:39,533 --> 00:01:42,170 - THEY PUT UP A FENCE. - WHO? 36 00:01:42,203 --> 00:01:43,671 [gasps] NO! 37 00:01:43,704 --> 00:01:45,539 - WHAT'S THAT? - THERE'S A SMALL PARK 38 00:01:45,573 --> 00:01:47,608 ON THE LINE BETWEEN PAWNEE AND EAGLETON, AND-- 39 00:01:47,641 --> 00:01:51,179 - LAST NIGHT EAGLETON PUT UP A FENCE AROUND THEIR SIDE 40 00:01:51,212 --> 00:01:53,914 TO KEEP US DISGUSTING PAWNEE HOBOS OFF THEIR PRECIOUS LAND. 41 00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:55,416 THERE'S EVEN A SECURITY GUARD. 42 00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:57,651 YOU GOT TO SHOW EAGLETON I.D. TO GET IN. 43 00:01:57,685 --> 00:01:59,320 - EAGLETON IS A BUNCH OF RICH SNOBS. 44 00:01:59,353 --> 00:02:01,822 AND THAT'S COMING FROM SOMEONE WHO HAS A MERCEDES... 45 00:02:01,855 --> 00:02:05,193 WITH A HARMAN KARDON LOGIC 7 SURROUND-SOUND SYSTEM. 46 00:02:05,226 --> 00:02:07,261 - WHO BUILDS A FENCE TO KEEP KIDS OUT OF A PLAYGROUND? 47 00:02:07,295 --> 00:02:09,863 - THREE WORDS-- LINDSAY CARLISLE SHAY. 48 00:02:09,897 --> 00:02:13,334 - [groans loudly] WHO? 49 00:02:13,367 --> 00:02:17,571 - LINDSAY CARLISLE SHAY AND I USED TO BE BEST FRIENDS. 50 00:02:17,605 --> 00:02:20,208 WE WORKED TOGETHER AT THE PAWNEE PARKS DEPARTMENT. 51 00:02:20,241 --> 00:02:21,909 THEN SHE WENT TO WORK IN EAGLETON 52 00:02:21,942 --> 00:02:26,180 AND "FIXED HER DEVIATED SEPTUM" AND LOST 35 POUNDS 53 00:02:26,214 --> 00:02:28,182 AND LOST SOMETHING ELSE. 54 00:02:28,216 --> 00:02:29,250 WHAT WAS IT AGAIN? 55 00:02:29,283 --> 00:02:31,185 OH, YEAH. HER SOUL. 56 00:02:31,219 --> 00:02:32,786 - IS THE EAGLETON SIDE REALLY THAT MUCH BETTER 57 00:02:32,820 --> 00:02:35,489 THAN THE PAWNEE SIDE? - TO BE FAIR, YEAH. 58 00:02:35,523 --> 00:02:37,658 OUR SIDE IS THIS SCRAPPY PIECE OF LAND 59 00:02:37,691 --> 00:02:40,328 WHERE KIDS GO TO SMASH FLUORESCENT LIGHT TUBES. 60 00:02:40,361 --> 00:02:41,695 BUT IT HAS A LOT OF HEART. 61 00:02:41,729 --> 00:02:44,198 - THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE ALWAYS SAY WHEN SOMETHING SUCKS. 62 00:02:44,232 --> 00:02:45,599 - WE SHOULD STAND UP FOR OUR TOWN, OKAY? 63 00:02:45,633 --> 00:02:48,336 PAWNEEANS ARE JUST AS GOOD AS EAGLETONIANS, 64 00:02:48,369 --> 00:02:50,804 ALTHOUGH ON AVERAGE, WE ARE SEVERAL INCHES SHORTER 65 00:02:50,838 --> 00:02:51,872 AND 80 POUNDS HEAVIER. 66 00:02:51,905 --> 00:02:54,908 - PEOPLE IN EAGLETON ARE STRAIGHT UP MEAN TO US. 67 00:02:54,942 --> 00:02:56,844 I WOULD NEVER SET FOOT OVER THERE. 68 00:02:56,877 --> 00:02:59,213 BUT IT'S THE ONLY PLACE THAT I CAN GET 69 00:02:59,247 --> 00:03:00,681 MY BUMBLE AND BUMBLE HAIR CARE PRODUCTS, 70 00:03:00,714 --> 00:03:02,616 SO I'M THERE EVERY EIGHT DAYS. 71 00:03:02,650 --> 00:03:04,918 - OKAY, WELL, I AM ON "OPERATION NO MORE FENCE," 72 00:03:04,952 --> 00:03:07,455 SO I'M PUTTING YOU IN CHARGE OF "OPERATION RON'S PARTY-- 73 00:03:07,488 --> 00:03:09,823 COLON--SHOCK AND AWE." - I AM ALL OVER IT. 74 00:03:09,857 --> 00:03:11,759 - I JUST NEED YOU TO DO WHAT'S ON THAT LIST. 75 00:03:11,792 --> 00:03:15,263 - LESLIE HAS A LOT OF QUALITIES I FIND HORRIFYING. 76 00:03:15,296 --> 00:03:19,600 BUT THE WORST ONE BY FAR IS HOW THOUGHTFUL SHE CAN BE. 77 00:03:19,633 --> 00:03:21,001 - IT'S THE ONLY PARK IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD. 78 00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:22,936 I MEAN, WHERE ARE MY KIDS SUPPOSED TO PLAY-- 79 00:03:22,970 --> 00:03:25,273 THE ROCK QUARRY? THERE'S ROCKS IN THERE. 80 00:03:25,306 --> 00:03:27,007 - WHY DON'T WE JUST SET FIRE TO THE FENCE? 81 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,776 YOU KNOW, SET IT ABLAZE. 82 00:03:28,809 --> 00:03:30,411 - THAT'S ARSON. 83 00:03:30,444 --> 00:03:31,945 - WELL, LET'S LEAVE THAT UP TO THE LAWYERS. 84 00:03:31,979 --> 00:03:33,514 THE POINT IS, IT WOULD WORK. 85 00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:36,950 - WHY DON'T WE BUILD A FENCE AROUND THEIR FENCE? 86 00:03:36,984 --> 00:03:39,353 - WHY? - IT WOULD GIVE US... 87 00:03:39,387 --> 00:03:40,588 TWO FENCES, 88 00:03:40,621 --> 00:03:43,357 SO IF THEY NEEDED TO GET TO THEIR FENCE 89 00:03:43,391 --> 00:03:46,460 FOR MAINTENANCE AND WHATNOT, THEIR PANTS MIGHT GET CAUGHT. 90 00:03:46,494 --> 00:03:47,961 - MY SON JOEY TRIED TO SCALE THAT FENCE 91 00:03:47,995 --> 00:03:50,298 TO PLAY ON THE EAGLETON SIDE, 92 00:03:50,331 --> 00:03:51,965 AND HE FELL AND HURT HIS ARM. 93 00:03:51,999 --> 00:03:54,768 YOU NEED TO GET THOSE PEOPLE TO TEAR THAT FENCE DOWN. 94 00:03:54,802 --> 00:03:56,003 - THIS WOMAN'S RIGHT. 95 00:03:56,036 --> 00:03:59,673 I PROMISE YOU, CITIZENS OF PAWNEE 96 00:03:59,707 --> 00:04:01,575 AND SWEET, BRAVE JOEY, 97 00:04:01,609 --> 00:04:03,444 I WILL TEAR DOWN THAT FENCE. 98 00:04:03,477 --> 00:04:04,978 [applause] 99 00:04:05,012 --> 00:04:07,014 - OKAY, I-I'M JUST GONNA SUGGEST ONE MORE TIME 100 00:04:07,047 --> 00:04:08,048 THAT WE BURN IT DOWN. 101 00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:10,284 BUT WHATEVER YOU GUYS THINK. 102 00:04:10,318 --> 00:04:11,585 - YEAH. GREAT. 103 00:04:11,619 --> 00:04:12,686 - YES, HI. 104 00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:16,023 I HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT YOUR INFLATABLE SAXOPHONES. 105 00:04:16,056 --> 00:04:19,026 DO THOSE COME IN DIFFERENT SIZES? 106 00:04:19,059 --> 00:04:20,994 I'M GONNA NEED ABOUT 40 DOZEN OF THOSE. 107 00:04:21,028 --> 00:04:23,964 ALSO, WHAT ABOUT YOUR NEON GANGSTER FEDORA HATS? 108 00:04:23,997 --> 00:04:25,699 UM... 109 00:04:25,733 --> 00:04:27,535 THAT WAS RUDE. - WHATEVER'S GOING ON HERE, 110 00:04:27,568 --> 00:04:28,669 STOP IT IMMEDIATELY. 111 00:04:28,702 --> 00:04:29,837 - I WAS JUST TALKING ON THE PHONE. 112 00:04:29,870 --> 00:04:31,572 - TO WHOM? - IT WAS PERSONAL. 113 00:04:31,605 --> 00:04:33,040 I WOULD NEVER MAKE A WORK-RELATED CALL. 114 00:04:33,073 --> 00:04:36,043 YOU KNOW THAT. 115 00:04:37,378 --> 00:04:39,980 - LINDSAY! - LESLIE KNOPE. 116 00:04:40,013 --> 00:04:41,315 both: HI. 117 00:04:41,349 --> 00:04:43,584 - HAS IT REALLY BEEN FIVE YEARS? 118 00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:46,587 - IT HAS. YOU LOOK AMAZING. 119 00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:48,622 - THANK YOU. THIS PLACE HASN'T CHANGED A BIT-- 120 00:04:48,656 --> 00:04:50,924 STILL LOVEABLE, BUT GRIMY. 121 00:04:50,958 --> 00:04:52,526 - HELLO, THERE. I'M BEN WYATT. 122 00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:53,961 I'M ASSISTANT CITY MANAGER 123 00:04:53,994 --> 00:04:55,863 - HI, DAN. 124 00:04:55,896 --> 00:04:57,498 - BEN. - IT'S NOT IMPORTANT. 125 00:04:57,531 --> 00:04:58,732 IT WON'T COME UP AGAIN. 126 00:04:58,766 --> 00:05:01,435 - UH, THIS IS ANN. SHE IS MY BEST FRIEND... 127 00:05:01,469 --> 00:05:02,770 NOW. 128 00:05:02,803 --> 00:05:04,972 AND, UH, SHE'S A NURSE, AND SHE WORKS AT A HOSPITAL. 129 00:05:05,005 --> 00:05:07,040 - OOH. - NICE TO MEET YOU. 130 00:05:07,074 --> 00:05:09,076 - OH, I'M SORRY. IT'S JUST, NURSING... 131 00:05:09,109 --> 00:05:11,812 YOU MUST BE SO TIRED. IT'S SAD. 132 00:05:11,845 --> 00:05:14,982 - IT'S REALLY NICE OUTSIDE. SHALL WE SPEAK IN MY COURTYARD? 133 00:05:15,015 --> 00:05:17,551 - YEAH. 134 00:05:17,585 --> 00:05:19,720 - WELL, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR STOPPING BY. 135 00:05:19,753 --> 00:05:21,555 - I WAS PASSING THROUGH PAWNEE ANYWAY. 136 00:05:21,589 --> 00:05:23,657 I DO A LOT OF CHARITY WORK HERE. 137 00:05:23,691 --> 00:05:26,059 THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH YOU CAN DO. 138 00:05:26,093 --> 00:05:30,931 - YOU KNOW, I FOUND A PICTURE OF YOU FROM BACK IN THE DAY. 139 00:05:30,964 --> 00:05:32,966 - [sighs] LOOK ME AT THAT. 140 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:34,702 LET ME GET A CLOSER LOOK. 141 00:05:36,537 --> 00:05:38,872 - SO LET'S TALK ABOUT LAFAYETTE PARK. 142 00:05:38,906 --> 00:05:40,808 - OH, YES. THE FENCE. 143 00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:43,076 I'M ONLY TRYING TO PROTECT OUR CHILDREN. 144 00:05:43,110 --> 00:05:44,945 - COME ON, LINDSAY, THIS ISN'T YOU. 145 00:05:44,978 --> 00:05:46,880 WHEN WE USED TO WORK HERE TOGETHER, 146 00:05:46,914 --> 00:05:49,049 WE LOVED THE FACT THAT PARKS WERE FOR EVERYONE. 147 00:05:49,082 --> 00:05:50,418 THAT'S WHAT MAKES THEM SO GREAT. 148 00:05:50,451 --> 00:05:51,719 - YOU KNOW WHAT'S REALLY GREAT? 149 00:05:51,752 --> 00:05:54,087 A PRIVATE PARK THAT'S NOT FOR EVERYONE. 150 00:05:54,121 --> 00:05:56,156 - WOWSERS. - WHAT DO YOU CARE? 151 00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:57,958 IT'S JUST A CRAPPY LITTLE PARK. 152 00:05:57,991 --> 00:05:59,527 - WELL, SOMEONE ONCE TOLD ME 153 00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:01,695 THAT THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS SMALL PARKS, 154 00:06:01,729 --> 00:06:03,697 JUST SMALL IDEAS. - MM. 155 00:06:03,731 --> 00:06:05,533 - AND THAT SOMEONE... 156 00:06:05,566 --> 00:06:07,535 WAS THIS WOMAN. 157 00:06:07,568 --> 00:06:09,036 YOU CAN TAKE IT IF YOU WANT. 158 00:06:09,069 --> 00:06:11,038 I HAVE MANY COPIES AND THE NEGATIVES. 159 00:06:11,071 --> 00:06:12,540 AND I HAVE A JPEG. 160 00:06:12,573 --> 00:06:14,975 - THE FENCE STAYS UP. 161 00:06:15,008 --> 00:06:16,710 - LINDSAY, IF WE-- - SWEETIE... 162 00:06:16,744 --> 00:06:18,479 AND I MEAN THIS IN THE NICEST POSSIBLE WAY, 163 00:06:18,512 --> 00:06:21,181 PAWNEE IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE A DIRTY, LITTLE NIGHTMARE 164 00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:23,584 FROM WHICH YOU WILL NEVER WAKE UP. 165 00:06:25,052 --> 00:06:28,589 BUT IT WAS GOOD SEEING YOU. 166 00:06:28,622 --> 00:06:30,891 - WHAT? I'M NOT ASLEEP. I'M AWAKE. 167 00:06:30,924 --> 00:06:33,193 I'M WIDE AWAKE, AND I GOT MY EYES ON YOU. 168 00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:34,595 THAT'S WHAT I WOULD'VE SAID 169 00:06:34,628 --> 00:06:37,865 IF I HAD THOUGHT OF IT IN THE MOMENT. 170 00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:39,667 WHAT DID I SAY INSTEAD? 171 00:06:42,202 --> 00:06:44,838 - WOW, THIS IS WHERE THEY HAVE THEIR PUBLIC FORUMS? 172 00:06:44,872 --> 00:06:47,908 - YEAH, IT'S NOT THAT GREAT. - THEY HAD A VALET. 173 00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:49,910 - YES, EAGLETON IS NICER THAN PAWNEE. 174 00:06:49,943 --> 00:06:51,879 AND, YES, BECAUSE OF THEIR CUPCAKE FACTORY, 175 00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:53,581 THE AIR ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE VANILLA. 176 00:06:53,614 --> 00:06:55,048 - [inhales deeply] OH, YEAH. 177 00:06:55,082 --> 00:06:56,817 WOW. - BUT... 178 00:06:56,850 --> 00:06:59,052 THEIR PEOPLE ARE NOT INHERENTLY BETTER THAN OUR PEOPLE. 179 00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:00,588 THE ONLY THING THEY BEAT US IN 180 00:07:00,621 --> 00:07:02,590 IS LIFE EXPECTANCY, BEAUTY PAGEANTS, 181 00:07:02,623 --> 00:07:04,091 AND AVERAGE INCOME-- WHO CARES? 182 00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:05,559 FACTOID ALERT-- 183 00:07:05,593 --> 00:07:07,928 EAGLETON WAS FOUNDED BY FORMER PAWNEEANS. 184 00:07:07,961 --> 00:07:11,031 PAWNEE WAS ESTABLISHED IN MAY OF 1817. 185 00:07:11,064 --> 00:07:12,566 AND BY JULY, 186 00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:15,035 FINDING THE SMELL UNPLEASANT AND THE SOIL UNTENABLE, 187 00:07:15,068 --> 00:07:19,907 ALL THE WEALTHY PEOPLE EVACUATED TO EAGLETON. 188 00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,141 - HELLO, PAWNEE. 189 00:07:21,174 --> 00:07:23,811 WELCOME TO OUR PUBLIC FORUM. 190 00:07:23,844 --> 00:07:26,046 - HI, I'M THOMAS MONTGOMERY HAVERFORD. 191 00:07:26,079 --> 00:07:28,649 - OKAY. - WELL, NICE OUTFIT. 192 00:07:28,682 --> 00:07:29,950 WHAT, DID YOU JUST COME FROM THE STABLES? 193 00:07:29,983 --> 00:07:31,218 - YES. 194 00:07:31,251 --> 00:07:33,120 I WAS JUST AT THE STABLES. - OH. 195 00:07:33,153 --> 00:07:35,222 - YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'VE BEEN WORKING HARD. 196 00:07:35,255 --> 00:07:37,157 YOU HAVE A MILLION FLYAWAYS RIGHT NOW. 197 00:07:37,190 --> 00:07:39,693 WOULD YOU LIKE TO BORROW A MIRROR OR A SELF-HELP BOOK? 198 00:07:39,727 --> 00:07:40,694 - I WOULD NOT. 199 00:07:40,728 --> 00:07:41,795 I WOULD LIKE YOU 200 00:07:41,829 --> 00:07:43,897 TO GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE, LINDSAY--PUN INTENDED. 201 00:07:43,931 --> 00:07:46,834 YOU KNOW IF I HAD YOUR JOB, THERE WOULD BE NO FENCE THERE. 202 00:07:46,867 --> 00:07:48,068 - WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE MY JOB, 203 00:07:48,101 --> 00:07:49,870 BECAUSE YOU KNEW YOU COULDN'T HANDLE IT. 204 00:07:49,903 --> 00:07:52,172 [tapping on glass] OH, THE FORUM IS BEGINNING. 205 00:07:52,205 --> 00:07:54,207 UH, WE'VE GOT A LITTLE BIT OF EAGLETON BUSINESS, 206 00:07:54,241 --> 00:07:56,510 AND THEN I'LL INTRODUCE YOU. - GREAT. 207 00:07:56,544 --> 00:07:58,879 - LOOK HOW PRETTY THE PEOPLE ARE. 208 00:07:58,912 --> 00:08:00,814 - HEY, RON... 209 00:08:00,848 --> 00:08:02,616 HOW'S THE STREET PARKING AT YOUR HOUSE? 210 00:08:02,650 --> 00:08:04,685 - WHAT? - CAN YOU HANDLE, LIKE, 20 CARS 211 00:08:04,718 --> 00:08:05,953 OR A DOUBLE-DECKER PARTY BUS? 212 00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:08,656 - THERE IS NO STREET PARKING AT MY HOUSE. 213 00:08:08,689 --> 00:08:10,858 MY HOUSE IS NOT EVEN ON A STREET. 214 00:08:10,891 --> 00:08:15,829 - DO YOU HAVE SPACE FOR, LIKE, A HUGE CIRCUS TENT? 215 00:08:15,863 --> 00:08:17,130 - HEY, RON. HAVE YOU SEEN-- 216 00:08:17,164 --> 00:08:18,832 WHAT THE HELL? 217 00:08:18,866 --> 00:08:20,901 NO! 218 00:08:20,934 --> 00:08:21,902 OH! 219 00:08:21,935 --> 00:08:23,771 - WELL, LOOKS LIKE THERE WONT BE ANY BALLOONS 220 00:08:23,804 --> 00:08:24,772 FOR THE BIRTHDAY BOY. 221 00:08:24,805 --> 00:08:26,974 - THESE WERE FOR A SICK CHILD AT THE HOSPITAL. 222 00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:28,576 - AH. 223 00:08:28,609 --> 00:08:29,910 MY OFFICE, NOW. 224 00:08:29,943 --> 00:08:31,945 - I DON'T WORK FOR YOU. - DON'T CARE. 225 00:08:31,979 --> 00:08:33,914 - DECISIONS, DECISIONS. 226 00:08:33,947 --> 00:08:35,182 UH, I THINK I'M GONNA GO 227 00:08:35,215 --> 00:08:37,885 WITH THE PORCINI MUSHROOMS AND BOURSIN, S'IL VOUS PLAIT. 228 00:08:37,918 --> 00:08:39,319 - ...THAT THE EAGLETON-PAWNEE FENCE 229 00:08:39,352 --> 00:08:42,222 DOES A LOT MORE HARM THAN IT DOES GOOD. 230 00:08:42,255 --> 00:08:46,126 - HELLO. I'M BERTRAM ROLANDS, A CITIZEN OF EAGLETON. 231 00:08:46,159 --> 00:08:48,896 [applause] 232 00:08:48,929 --> 00:08:50,931 WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, MS. KNOPE, 233 00:08:50,964 --> 00:08:53,233 CAN'T YOU JUST CLEAN UP YOUR SIDE OF THE PARK, 234 00:08:53,266 --> 00:08:54,902 PUT SOME NEW EQUIPMENT THERE? 235 00:08:54,935 --> 00:08:55,936 - WELL, WE WOULD LOVE TO DO THAT, 236 00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:59,840 BUT, UNFORTUNATELY, MONEY IS TIGHT RIGHT NOW. 237 00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:01,609 - HELLO. I'M CHRISTINE PORTER. 238 00:09:01,642 --> 00:09:04,945 [applause] 239 00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:07,981 I WANT TO RESPECTFULLY SAY THAT I'M IN FAVOR OF THE FENCE. 240 00:09:08,015 --> 00:09:10,918 I SEE IT AS A KIND OF PUNISHMENT FOR PAWNEE 241 00:09:10,951 --> 00:09:13,987 THAT MIGHT INSPIRE YOUR TOWN TO CLEAN UP ITS ACT. 242 00:09:14,021 --> 00:09:15,589 [applause] 243 00:09:15,623 --> 00:09:17,891 - WELL, I WOULD LIKE TO RESPECTFULLY SAY 244 00:09:17,925 --> 00:09:20,794 THAT ANY CHILD SHOULD BE ABLE TO PLAY IN ANY PARK, 245 00:09:20,828 --> 00:09:24,097 REGARDLESS OF WEALTH OR STATUS. 246 00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:30,771 UH, ANYWAY, THIS IS JOEY PLUNKETT. 247 00:09:30,804 --> 00:09:32,339 JOEY, WAVE TO THE AUDIENCE. 248 00:09:32,372 --> 00:09:35,108 OH, YOU CAN'T, BECAUSE YOU BROKE YOUR ARM 249 00:09:35,142 --> 00:09:36,910 CLIMBING THAT FENCE. 250 00:09:36,944 --> 00:09:39,112 - UH, I CAN WAVE WITH THIS ARM. - NO, YOU CAN'T. 251 00:09:39,146 --> 00:09:41,314 BOTH YOUR ARMS ARE BROKEN. 252 00:09:41,348 --> 00:09:43,150 - ALL DUE RESPECT, I RECOGNIZE THAT BOY. 253 00:09:43,183 --> 00:09:46,386 HE WAS CAUGHT SELLING FIREWORKS TO EAGLETON KIDS. 254 00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:48,889 - WELL, WITH MORE DUE RESPECT, 255 00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:50,791 A LOT OF BOYS DO THAT IN OUR TOWN. 256 00:09:50,824 --> 00:09:52,025 YOU CANNOT BE SURE THAT HE IS THE ONE. 257 00:09:52,059 --> 00:09:55,763 - THIS IS A PERFECT EXAMPLE OF HOW WE'RE GOING TO HELP YOU. 258 00:09:55,796 --> 00:09:57,965 HERE'S TO YOU, JOEY, AND YOUR MOTHER 259 00:09:57,998 --> 00:10:01,969 AND TO EVERY PAWNEE CITIZEN WHO MIGHT HAVE A BRIGHT FUTURE 260 00:10:02,002 --> 00:10:04,938 IF THEY FUNDAMENTALLY CHANGE EVERYTHING ABOUT THEMSELVES. 261 00:10:04,972 --> 00:10:07,841 THANKS TO LESLIE KNOPE. - I'M NOT DONE. 262 00:10:07,875 --> 00:10:09,977 - ISN'T SHE TRYING HER HARDEST? 263 00:10:10,010 --> 00:10:11,945 [applause] 264 00:10:11,979 --> 00:10:15,783 SO CUTE AND SO GOOD. 265 00:10:15,816 --> 00:10:17,951 - I'M ONLY GONNA ASK YOU THIS ONCE. 266 00:10:17,985 --> 00:10:19,419 WHAT IS GOING ON WITH MY BIRTHDAY? 267 00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:21,722 - OH, MY GOD. RON, IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY. 268 00:10:21,755 --> 00:10:24,024 HAPPY BIRTHDAY. - SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH. 269 00:10:24,057 --> 00:10:25,659 - THIS IS A FUN CONVERSATION. 270 00:10:25,693 --> 00:10:27,761 - JUST TELL ME WHAT LESLIE IS PLANNING. 271 00:10:27,795 --> 00:10:30,831 - HONESTLY, I-I DON'T KNOW. I HAVEN'T HEARD ANYTHING. 272 00:10:30,864 --> 00:10:33,133 - WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME WHAT SHE DID FOR YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY? 273 00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:35,102 - OH, WELL, THAT WAS INTENSE. 274 00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:36,904 SHE TOTALLY SURPRISED ME. 275 00:10:36,937 --> 00:10:38,238 SHE KIDNAPPED ME FROM WORK, 276 00:10:38,271 --> 00:10:40,240 AND THEN SHE TOOK ME TO THAT PLACE, SENOR VEGA'S, 277 00:10:40,273 --> 00:10:41,942 YOU KNOW, WHERE THE MARIACHI BAND COMES OUT. 278 00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:43,777 THEY PUT A BIG SOMBRERO ON YOU, 279 00:10:43,811 --> 00:10:44,945 AND THEN EVERYBODY SINGS HAPPY BIRTHDAY? 280 00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:45,813 - DAMN IT. 281 00:10:45,846 --> 00:10:47,414 - AND THEN WE WENT BACK TO MY HOUSE, 282 00:10:47,447 --> 00:10:50,117 AND SHE INVITED BASICALLY EVERYONE I KNEW, 283 00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:53,020 AND SHE HAD THIS GREAT GUY DOING FACE PAINTING, 284 00:10:53,053 --> 00:10:55,322 AND I HAD MY FACE PAINTED LIKE A FAIRY TIGER. 285 00:10:55,355 --> 00:10:56,456 - [groans] 286 00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:58,692 - ALSO, SHE DID IT, LIKE, A WEEK BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY, 287 00:10:58,726 --> 00:11:01,061 WHICH IS GENIUS, 'CAUSE I HAD NO IDEA IT WAS COMING. 288 00:11:01,094 --> 00:11:03,731 AND THEN THERE WAS A BOUNCY CASTLE. 289 00:11:03,764 --> 00:11:05,265 DID YOU KNOW THEY MADE THOSE FOR ADULTS? 290 00:11:05,298 --> 00:11:06,767 - MM-HMM. 291 00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:08,869 - MAYBE I'LL CHANGE IT UP THIS TIME. 292 00:11:08,902 --> 00:11:10,203 CAN I TRY THE ANDOUILLE SAUSAGE? 293 00:11:10,237 --> 00:11:12,873 - TOM, LET'S GO. - WHAT? NO. 294 00:11:12,906 --> 00:11:15,475 - HEY, NOT YOU TOO. 295 00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:17,244 - IT'S GROSS. I DON'T LIKE IT. 296 00:11:17,277 --> 00:11:19,379 IT'S DISGUSTING. 297 00:11:19,412 --> 00:11:21,348 - DID YOU GUYS GET YOUR PUBLIC FORUM GIFT BAG? 298 00:11:21,381 --> 00:11:23,016 THERE'S AN iPOD TOUCH IN HERE. 299 00:11:23,050 --> 00:11:24,952 - MAN, SHE USED TO NOT BE LIKE THIS. 300 00:11:24,985 --> 00:11:26,219 EAGLETON REALLY CHANGED HER. 301 00:11:26,253 --> 00:11:28,856 - YEAH, WHAT EXACTLY HAPPENED BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU, ANYWAY? 302 00:11:28,889 --> 00:11:31,725 - FIVE YEARS AGO, EAGLETON OFFERED ME THAT JOB. 303 00:11:31,759 --> 00:11:34,061 - AND YOU SAID NO? ARE YOU INSANE? 304 00:11:34,094 --> 00:11:36,163 - I TALKED IT OVER WITH LINDSAY, AND WE MADE A PACT 305 00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:38,265 THAT WE WOULD STAY IN PAWNEE TOGETHER 306 00:11:38,298 --> 00:11:41,101 AND WORK HARD AND FIGHT TO MAKE PAWNEE 307 00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:42,970 A BETTER PLACE TO LIVE. 308 00:11:43,003 --> 00:11:44,838 AND THEN THEY OFFERED HER THE JOB, 309 00:11:44,872 --> 00:11:47,107 AND SHE TOOK IT AND DISAPPEARED. 310 00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:48,175 - WOW. 311 00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:52,212 - OOH, VERBENA-SCENTED SOY CANDLES! 312 00:11:52,245 --> 00:11:54,982 - YOU WANT ME TO DO WHAT, NOW? 313 00:11:55,015 --> 00:11:57,117 - SEND LESLIE SOMEWHERE ON AN ASSIGNMENT, 314 00:11:57,150 --> 00:11:58,752 A CONFERENCE OR SOMETHING, 315 00:11:58,786 --> 00:12:01,855 AND MAKE HER TAKE APRIL AND FREEZE THEIR BANK ACCOUNTS. 316 00:12:01,889 --> 00:12:02,856 - I DON'T UNDERSTAND. 317 00:12:02,890 --> 00:12:04,958 IS LESLIE'S WORK UNSATISFACTORY? 318 00:12:04,992 --> 00:12:06,894 - NO, IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HER WORK. 319 00:12:06,927 --> 00:12:09,129 I DON'T WANT TO GET INTO IT. 320 00:12:09,162 --> 00:12:11,932 - RON, LOOK, THIS IS ME, OKAY? 321 00:12:11,965 --> 00:12:14,134 YOU KNOW YOU CAN TALK TO ME ABOUT ANYTHING. 322 00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:17,938 - WELL, IT'S--IT'S MY BIRTHDAY ON FRIDAY. 323 00:12:17,971 --> 00:12:20,240 - HEY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY. 324 00:12:23,476 --> 00:12:24,878 - I'M ENDING THIS RIGHT NOW. 325 00:12:24,912 --> 00:12:28,281 I'M JUST GONNA LEAVE EARLY AND GO HOME... 326 00:12:28,315 --> 00:12:30,283 UNLESS... 327 00:12:30,317 --> 00:12:33,887 THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT SHE WANTS ME TO DO. 328 00:12:33,921 --> 00:12:35,956 - ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY JUST GRAB A BAG 329 00:12:35,989 --> 00:12:37,524 AND OPEN IT UP 330 00:12:37,557 --> 00:12:40,027 AND THEN TRY TO FIND SOME DIRTY STUFF IN THERE. 331 00:12:40,060 --> 00:12:40,861 - WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 332 00:12:40,894 --> 00:12:42,262 - EAGLETON TREATS US LIKE GARBAGE. 333 00:12:42,295 --> 00:12:43,864 WE'RE GONNA TREAT THEM LIKE GARBAGE. 334 00:12:43,897 --> 00:12:45,298 WE'RE GONNA TAKE THESE BAGS OF TRASH, 335 00:12:45,332 --> 00:12:47,100 AND WE'RE GONNA THROW IT OVER TO THEIR SIDE OF THE PARK. 336 00:12:47,134 --> 00:12:48,568 AND THEN WE'RE JUST GONNA LET THE STINK 337 00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:50,203 AND THE RACCOONS RUN WILD. 338 00:12:50,237 --> 00:12:51,504 - WELL, ISN'T THAT 339 00:12:51,538 --> 00:12:55,142 JUST PLAYING RIGHT INTO WHAT THEY THINK OF YOU? 340 00:12:55,175 --> 00:12:57,444 - OH, MY GOD. WHAT AM I THINKING? 341 00:12:57,477 --> 00:12:58,979 LET'S JUST STOP THIS. 342 00:12:59,012 --> 00:13:00,213 PUT EVERYTHING BACK IN THE TRUCK. 343 00:13:00,247 --> 00:13:01,949 LET'S BACK IT UP. - NO, NO, NO, NO. 344 00:13:01,982 --> 00:13:03,984 LESLIE, YOU PROMISED WE COULD THROW GARBAGE EVERYWHERE. 345 00:13:04,017 --> 00:13:05,518 - [sighs] - WOW. 346 00:13:05,552 --> 00:13:08,521 I DIDN'T EXPECT TO SEE THE WHOLE PARKS DEPARTMENT HERE, 347 00:13:08,555 --> 00:13:10,023 ALTHOUGH IT IS, SADLY, 348 00:13:10,057 --> 00:13:11,892 ONE OF THE NICEST SPOTS IN TOWN. 349 00:13:11,925 --> 00:13:13,927 - I AM SO SICK OF THIS, LINDSAY. 350 00:13:13,961 --> 00:13:16,129 - WAIT, LESLIE. I'VE GOT THIS. 351 00:13:16,163 --> 00:13:19,366 YOU LISTEN TO ME, LINDSAY CARLISLE SHAY. 352 00:13:19,399 --> 00:13:21,101 WHY DON'T YOU TAKE YOUR FANCY DOG, 353 00:13:21,134 --> 00:13:22,502 GET IN YOUR ESCALADE? 354 00:13:22,535 --> 00:13:24,437 AND IF YOU HAVE ANY JOB OPENINGS, 355 00:13:24,471 --> 00:13:25,939 MAYBE YOU SHOULD LET ME KNOW ABOUT 'EM. 356 00:13:25,973 --> 00:13:27,440 - COME ON, MAN. - NO! 357 00:13:27,474 --> 00:13:29,342 I'M SICK OF BEING TREATED 358 00:13:29,376 --> 00:13:33,280 LIKE I'M NOT WILLING TO RELOCATE TO EAGLETON, BECAUSE I AM! 359 00:13:33,313 --> 00:13:36,149 SO HERE'S WHAT YOU COULD DO, LADY. 360 00:13:36,183 --> 00:13:38,285 TAKE THIS RESUME 361 00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:40,453 AND SHOVE IT INTO YOUR HUMAN RESOURCES SLOT. 362 00:13:40,487 --> 00:13:42,422 - [laughs] 363 00:13:42,455 --> 00:13:45,025 OH, YEAH! SHOVE IT THERE! 364 00:13:45,058 --> 00:13:46,126 [laughs] 365 00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:50,363 - YOU MIGHT HAVE A FANCY CAR AND A MAHOGANY PURSE, 366 00:13:50,397 --> 00:13:51,498 OR WHATEVER RICH PEOPLE HAVE, 367 00:13:51,531 --> 00:13:54,267 BUT I REMEMBER SOMETHING THAT YOU'RE TRYING TO FORGET. 368 00:13:54,301 --> 00:13:56,203 YOU'RE A PAWNEE GIRL. - MM-HMM. 369 00:13:56,236 --> 00:13:58,605 - NO, LESLIE, I'M NOT. 370 00:13:58,638 --> 00:14:00,473 - WELL, THEN WHY DO YOU COME HERE AT DINNERTIME 371 00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:02,910 AND GET TAKEOUT FROM THE LEGENDARY JJ'S DINER? 372 00:14:02,943 --> 00:14:04,644 - IT'S NOT FOR ME. 373 00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:07,614 THESE WAFFLES MAKE GREAT DOG LAXATIVES. 374 00:14:07,647 --> 00:14:09,983 - DON'T YOU DARE 375 00:14:10,017 --> 00:14:12,352 FEED THAT WAFFLE TO THAT DOG TO GET IT TO POOP. 376 00:14:14,154 --> 00:14:15,488 - SAMBUCA NEED TO MAKE? 377 00:14:15,522 --> 00:14:16,890 THERE YOU GO. 378 00:14:16,924 --> 00:14:18,992 - LESLIE. - HOW DARE YOU? 379 00:14:19,026 --> 00:14:20,460 - GET HER! - GET HER, LESLIE! 380 00:14:20,493 --> 00:14:22,329 - GET OFF OF ME! - GET HER! 381 00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:23,964 [overlapping shouting] 382 00:14:23,997 --> 00:14:26,099 - GARBAGE FIGHT! 383 00:14:26,133 --> 00:14:27,400 - [grunts] 384 00:14:30,637 --> 00:14:32,139 - I WANT HER ARRESTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER. 385 00:14:32,172 --> 00:14:33,006 - FOR GOD'S SAKE, KNOPE. GET A GRIP. 386 00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:35,242 [siren wailing] - THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE! 387 00:14:35,275 --> 00:14:37,077 I WANT HER ARRESTED! 388 00:14:37,110 --> 00:14:39,179 SHE ATTACKED ME, 389 00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:41,915 AND THEN SHE HURLED MY KATE SPADE HEADBAND SOMEWHERE. 390 00:14:41,949 --> 00:14:43,650 - I THINK MY EAGLETON COLLEAGUES WOULD AGREE 391 00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:45,252 THAT WE DON'T WANT TO MAKE A FEDERAL CASE OUT OF THIS, 392 00:14:45,285 --> 00:14:47,154 SO I SUGGEST YOU BOTH APOLOGIZE TO EACH OTHER, 393 00:14:47,187 --> 00:14:49,222 AND WE PRETEND THIS NEVER HAPPENED. 394 00:14:49,256 --> 00:14:51,124 - I WILL NEVER APOLOGIZE TO HER. 395 00:14:51,158 --> 00:14:53,160 - NOR I HER. - [mockingly] "NOR I HER." 396 00:14:53,193 --> 00:14:56,363 I DOTH PROCLAIM TO BE A STUPID FARTFACE. 397 00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:58,999 - NICE RETORT. DID G.B. SHAW WRITE THAT FOR YOU? 398 00:14:59,032 --> 00:15:00,633 - DID G.B. SHAW WRITE YOUR STUPID FARTFACE? 399 00:15:00,667 --> 00:15:02,635 - LADIES, IF YOU DON'T APOLOGIZE, 400 00:15:02,669 --> 00:15:04,972 WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO TOSS THE BOTH OF YOU IN JAIL. 401 00:15:05,005 --> 00:15:08,308 SO JUST SWALLOW YOUR PRIDE... 402 00:15:08,341 --> 00:15:10,910 SAY YOU'RE SORRY. 403 00:15:18,051 --> 00:15:19,286 - WE HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR EVENING HERE 404 00:15:19,319 --> 00:15:20,420 AT THE EAGLETON HOLDING CELL. 405 00:15:20,453 --> 00:15:23,323 CAN I OFFER YOU ANYTHING-- HERBAL TEA, GREEK YOGURT? 406 00:15:23,356 --> 00:15:24,624 - NO. 407 00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:28,261 [knock on door] 408 00:15:28,295 --> 00:15:29,429 - MORNING, RON. 409 00:15:29,462 --> 00:15:32,699 OOH, DUDE, YOU FORGOT TO PUT A SHIRT ON. 410 00:15:32,732 --> 00:15:34,001 I DO IT ALL THE TIME. IT'S FINE. 411 00:15:34,034 --> 00:15:36,336 - I SLEPT HERE. - SWEET. 412 00:15:36,369 --> 00:15:39,739 SO A LITTLE BIRDIE TOLD ME IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY COMING UP. 413 00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:41,474 HOW ABOUT A FREE BIRTHDAY SHOE SHINE? 414 00:15:41,508 --> 00:15:43,143 - WHAT DID THIS LITTLE BIRDIE TELL YOU 415 00:15:43,176 --> 00:15:45,378 IS GOING TO HAPPEN FOR MY BIRTHDAY? 416 00:15:45,412 --> 00:15:47,514 - OH, NICE TRY, RON. YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANYTHING OUT OF ME. 417 00:15:47,547 --> 00:15:49,082 - ANDREW, PLEASE. 418 00:15:49,116 --> 00:15:52,986 - RON, LOOK, I LOVE YOU LIKE A FATHER 419 00:15:53,020 --> 00:15:54,988 WHO'S NOT THAT MUCH OLDER THAN ME-- 420 00:15:55,022 --> 00:15:55,922 LIKE A YOUNG UNCLE-- 421 00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:58,258 OR LIKE, UH, YOU WERE MY CAMP COUNSELOR, 422 00:15:58,291 --> 00:16:00,127 BUT WE'RE ADULTS, SO WE HANG OUT, 423 00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:01,394 AND IT'S NOT WEIRD, YOU KNOW. 424 00:16:01,428 --> 00:16:03,030 OR, ACTUALLY, HERE'S WHAT IT IS. 425 00:16:03,063 --> 00:16:05,198 YOU'RE MY LACROSSE COACH. - I GET IT. I GET IT. 426 00:16:05,232 --> 00:16:06,433 WHAT'S THE POINT? 427 00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:08,501 - WELL, COACH, 428 00:16:08,535 --> 00:16:10,703 LESLIE SWORE ME TO SECRECY, SO I CAN'T SAY ANYTHING. 429 00:16:10,737 --> 00:16:12,705 I OWE HER SO MUCH. I CAN'T RUIN IT FOR HER. 430 00:16:12,739 --> 00:16:16,643 - WELL, I RESPECT THAT. - MM-HMM. 431 00:16:16,676 --> 00:16:17,710 - SEE YOU LATER. - OKAY... 432 00:16:17,744 --> 00:16:21,014 NOT IF I SEE YOU FIRST, UNCLE RON. 433 00:16:21,048 --> 00:16:22,482 [laughs] AND I PROBABLY WILL, 434 00:16:22,515 --> 00:16:26,319 'CAUSE LESLIE ASSIGNED ME TO THE KIDNAP SQUAD. 435 00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:31,091 - HEY, JAILBIRD. 436 00:16:31,124 --> 00:16:34,061 - BEAUTIFUL ANN, THANK YOU FOR COMING TO GET ME. 437 00:16:34,094 --> 00:16:35,228 - OH, MY GOD, ARE YOU KIDDING? 438 00:16:35,262 --> 00:16:37,030 ARE YOU OKAY? 439 00:16:37,064 --> 00:16:40,533 - IT WAS A ROUGH NIGHT, BUT I SURVIVED. 440 00:16:40,567 --> 00:16:42,402 SCONE? 441 00:16:42,435 --> 00:16:46,039 THEY ONLY HAVE MAPLE WALNUT. - YEAH. THANK YOU. 442 00:16:46,073 --> 00:16:48,308 WHY DID YOU GET ARRESTED? WHAT DID YOU DO? 443 00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:51,078 - THE ONLY THING I'M GUILTY OF IS LOVING PAWNEE... 444 00:16:51,111 --> 00:16:53,046 AND PUNCHING LINDSAY IN THE FACE 445 00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:55,282 AND SHOVING A COFFEE FILTER DOWN HER PANTS. 446 00:16:55,315 --> 00:16:58,051 BUT IN MY DEFENSE, I BELIEVE THAT ASSAULT SHOULD BE LEGAL 447 00:16:58,085 --> 00:16:59,119 IF A PERSON IS A JERK. 448 00:16:59,152 --> 00:17:01,488 - WHY ARE YOU LETTING HER GET TO YOU LIKE THIS? 449 00:17:01,521 --> 00:17:04,091 - BECAUSE SHE'S A STUPID JERK... 450 00:17:04,124 --> 00:17:05,592 BECAUSE WE WERE BEST FRIENDS 451 00:17:05,625 --> 00:17:08,061 AND THEN SHE SOLD OUT EVERYTHING THAT WE BELIEVED IN. 452 00:17:08,095 --> 00:17:08,795 AND THE WORST PART? 453 00:17:08,828 --> 00:17:10,497 TO HER, OUR FRIENDSHIP-- 454 00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:11,631 IT'S LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED. 455 00:17:11,664 --> 00:17:14,301 - WELL, FIRST OF ALL, THIS COLOR LOOKS AMAZING ON YOU. 456 00:17:14,334 --> 00:17:15,502 - THANK YOU. 457 00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:17,237 - SECOND OF ALL, THE WHOLE FENCE THING-- 458 00:17:17,270 --> 00:17:19,306 SHE'S OBVIOUSLY TRYING TO GET A RISE OUT OF YOU. 459 00:17:19,339 --> 00:17:22,175 THIRD OF ALL, SHE KNOWS SHE ONLY GOT THE JOB 460 00:17:22,209 --> 00:17:24,344 BECAUSE YOU TURNED IT DOWN, WHICH MUST DRIVE HER NUTS. 461 00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:27,447 BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, YOU SAY THE WORD, 462 00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:30,650 AND I WILL BEAT HER SENSELESS WITH A BASEBALL BAT. 463 00:17:30,683 --> 00:17:32,819 - [softly] THANK YOU. 464 00:17:32,852 --> 00:17:35,088 WAIT A MINUTE. 465 00:17:35,122 --> 00:17:36,756 OH, MY GOD. OKAY, WE HAVE A LOT OF WORK TO DO. 466 00:17:36,789 --> 00:17:39,259 ANN, PUT THESE SCONES IN YOUR BRA. 467 00:17:39,292 --> 00:17:40,460 LET'S GO. - OKAY. 468 00:17:40,493 --> 00:17:42,462 CAN WE JUST STOP OFF AT THE, UM, LOBBY? 469 00:17:42,495 --> 00:17:45,098 'CAUSE THE PRISON GIFT BAGS ARE AMAZING. 470 00:17:45,132 --> 00:17:46,333 - HEY, BATTER, BATTER, BATTER, BATTER, BATTER. 471 00:17:46,366 --> 00:17:48,101 HEY, BATTER, BATTER, BATTER, BATTER, BATTER, BATTER, BATTER. 472 00:17:48,135 --> 00:17:49,236 HEY, BATTER, BAH. 473 00:17:49,269 --> 00:17:50,603 [people cheering] 474 00:17:50,637 --> 00:17:53,240 LUCAS WITH A CRAZY BASE HIT! 475 00:17:53,273 --> 00:17:55,308 - DUDE, STOP ROOTING FOR THE OTHER TEAM. 476 00:17:55,342 --> 00:17:57,677 - YOU'RE JUST MAD 'CAUSE THEY ARE LIGHTING YOU UP. 477 00:17:57,710 --> 00:17:59,879 - WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? - HI, LINDSAY. 478 00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:01,881 INTRODUCING THE PAWNEE WIFFLE BALL LEAGUE. 479 00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:03,616 IT'S AN IDEA THAT I CAME UP WITH 480 00:18:03,650 --> 00:18:04,817 AFTER MY BEST FRIEND, ANN, OVER THERE 481 00:18:04,851 --> 00:18:06,853 SAID SHE WANTED TO BASH YOUR HEAD IN WITH A BASEBALL BAT. 482 00:18:06,886 --> 00:18:09,222 AND I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR THE FENCE. 483 00:18:09,256 --> 00:18:12,259 THERE'S NO WAY WE COULD AFFORD THAT HIGH-QUALITY WOOD. 484 00:18:12,292 --> 00:18:13,793 - WHAT IF SOMEONE HITS A HOME RUN? 485 00:18:13,826 --> 00:18:14,827 HOW WILL YOU GET THE BALL BACK? 486 00:18:14,861 --> 00:18:17,397 - ONE OF THE MANY EAGLETON KIDS WHO SIGNED UP 487 00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:20,867 WILL JUST POP OVER AND GRAB IT. 488 00:18:20,900 --> 00:18:22,569 HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT? 489 00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:24,404 - WHY? - I DON'T KNOW. 490 00:18:24,437 --> 00:18:26,673 I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU COULD BUST OUT YOUR OLD JAZZ SWEATSHIRT, 491 00:18:26,706 --> 00:18:28,908 AND YOU AND I COULD GO TO SULLIVAN'S FOR A BEER. 492 00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:31,411 - YEAH, I DO STILL HAVE THAT SWEATSHIRT. 493 00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:32,712 - I KNOW YOU DO. 494 00:18:32,745 --> 00:18:34,781 - FOUL BALL! 495 00:18:34,814 --> 00:18:37,250 - YOU DID ALL THIS IN A DAY? - YEAH. 496 00:18:37,284 --> 00:18:38,151 - ALL RIGHT. 497 00:18:38,185 --> 00:18:39,886 - I WORK WITH SOME REALLY GREAT PEOPLE. 498 00:18:39,919 --> 00:18:42,855 [people cheering] 499 00:18:42,889 --> 00:18:45,392 GOOD JOB, GUYS. GREAT JOB. 500 00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:48,795 HEY, DID YOU HEAR THE NEWS? 501 00:18:48,828 --> 00:18:51,698 BEN AND CHRIS WANT US TO GO INTO CONFERENCE ROOM "C" 502 00:18:51,731 --> 00:18:52,765 FOR A MEETING. 503 00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:55,502 - LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH. 504 00:19:03,376 --> 00:19:06,446 - HAPPY BIRTHDAY, RON. 505 00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:08,681 - ANN SAID YOU HAD A BIG PARTY-- 506 00:19:08,715 --> 00:19:10,417 SOMBREROS, KARAOKE. 507 00:19:10,450 --> 00:19:11,551 - YEAH, I DID THAT FOR ANN. 508 00:19:11,584 --> 00:19:14,754 WHY WOULD I THROW RON SWANSON AN ANN PERKINS PARTY? 509 00:19:14,787 --> 00:19:17,890 - WHAT ABOUT THE GIANT LIST OF THINGS APRIL WAS DOING? 510 00:19:17,924 --> 00:19:19,959 - THAT WAS JUST A LIST OF WAYS TO MESS WITH YOU. 511 00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:22,929 SHE DO 'EM ALL? - SHE DID INDEED. 512 00:19:24,497 --> 00:19:27,867 - SO I HAVE RENTED BRIDGE ON THE RIVER KWAI 513 00:19:27,900 --> 00:19:28,801 AND THE DIRTY DOZEN. 514 00:19:28,835 --> 00:19:29,736 [cork pops] 515 00:19:29,769 --> 00:19:31,971 ARTIE FROM SECURITY IS OUTSIDE THE DOOR, 516 00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:33,873 SO NO ONE WILL BOTHER YOU. 517 00:19:33,906 --> 00:19:36,209 AND A CAB WILL BE HERE WHENEVER YOU'RE READY 518 00:19:36,243 --> 00:19:37,577 TO TAKE YOU HOME. 519 00:19:39,379 --> 00:19:40,847 - THANK YOU. 520 00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:43,883 - DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT YOU SAID TO ME FIVE YEARS AGO 521 00:19:43,916 --> 00:19:45,518 WHEN EAGLETON OFFERED ME THAT JOB, 522 00:19:45,552 --> 00:19:46,953 AND I ASKED YOU FOR YOUR ADVICE? 523 00:19:46,986 --> 00:19:48,955 - UH, "DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT. 524 00:19:48,988 --> 00:19:49,989 WHAT DO I CARE?" 525 00:19:50,022 --> 00:19:51,858 - RIGHT, BUT THEN, AFTER, 526 00:19:51,891 --> 00:19:54,361 WHEN I PRESSED YOU, WHAT DID YOU SAY? 527 00:19:54,394 --> 00:19:56,696 - I BELIEVE I SAID 528 00:19:56,729 --> 00:19:58,631 THAT I THOUGHT WE WORKED WELL TOGETHER 529 00:19:58,665 --> 00:20:01,868 AND THAT I MIGHT DISAGREE WITH YOUR PHILOSOPHY, 530 00:20:01,901 --> 00:20:03,870 BUT I RESPECTED YOU. 531 00:20:03,903 --> 00:20:05,605 AND I SAID THAT YOU'LL GET 532 00:20:05,638 --> 00:20:08,375 A LOT OF JOB OFFERS IN YOUR LIFE, 533 00:20:08,408 --> 00:20:10,443 BUT YOU ONLY HAVE ONE HOMETOWN. 534 00:20:10,477 --> 00:20:11,778 - YES. 535 00:20:11,811 --> 00:20:14,481 THAT'S HOW I REMEMBER IT. 536 00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:20,587 THIS, BY THE WAY, IS A ONE-TIME-ONLY SITUATION. 537 00:20:20,620 --> 00:20:23,790 NEXT YEAR, YOUR BIRTHDAY PARTY IS GONNA BE A RAGER. 538 00:20:23,823 --> 00:20:24,924 [door closes] 539 00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:29,429 [dramatic movie music] 540 00:20:29,462 --> 00:20:30,663 [on-screen gunfire] 541 00:20:30,697 --> 00:20:32,332 - MMM! 542 00:20:32,365 --> 00:20:35,468 [gunfire continues] 543 00:20:35,502 --> 00:20:39,406 * 544 00:20:39,439 --> 00:20:40,473 MMM. 545 00:20:40,507 --> 00:20:43,510 [gunfire continues] 546 00:20:50,717 --> 00:20:53,720 Captioning by CaptionMax www.captionmax.com