1 00:00:01,035 --> 00:00:02,436 - PAWNEE IS, AS YOU ALL KNOW, 2 00:00:02,470 --> 00:00:05,673 THE FOURTH MOST OBESE CITY IN AMERICA. 3 00:00:05,706 --> 00:00:07,341 - SOON TO BE NUMBER THREE. 4 00:00:07,375 --> 00:00:08,609 WE'RE COMING FOR YOU, SAN ANTONIO. 5 00:00:08,642 --> 00:00:10,278 - NO, WE ARE NOT. 6 00:00:10,311 --> 00:00:11,812 WE ARE SLIMMING DOWN... 7 00:00:11,845 --> 00:00:13,714 STARTING RIGHT HERE AT CITY HALL. 8 00:00:13,747 --> 00:00:15,049 I AM IMPLEMENTING 9 00:00:15,083 --> 00:00:17,351 A GOVERNMENT-WIDE HEALTH INITIATIVE. 10 00:00:17,385 --> 00:00:19,520 - WE COULD HAVE A CITY HALL DODGEBALL LEAGUE. 11 00:00:19,553 --> 00:00:21,089 I HAVE FIRST PICK, AND MY PICK IS RON. 12 00:00:21,122 --> 00:00:23,091 - GREAT IDEA. KEEP 'EM COMING. 13 00:00:23,124 --> 00:00:24,625 NOW, IF ANYBODY WOULD LIKE TO JOIN ME, 14 00:00:24,658 --> 00:00:26,294 I WILL BE RUNNING BACKWARDS UP THE BIG HILL 15 00:00:26,327 --> 00:00:27,328 BEHIND THE WAL-MART. 16 00:00:27,361 --> 00:00:30,131 - DON'T FREAK OUT, 17 00:00:30,164 --> 00:00:33,334 BUT JOE FROM SEWAGE JUST UNHOOKED YOUR BRA WITH HIS EYES. 18 00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:36,470 - WHAT? OH, BOY. 19 00:00:36,504 --> 00:00:38,439 HI, JOE. - WHAT'S UP, KNOPE? 20 00:00:38,472 --> 00:00:39,740 LOOKING GOOD THESE DAYS. 21 00:00:39,773 --> 00:00:42,776 WHAT DO YOU SAY? VAN'S OUT BACK. 22 00:00:42,810 --> 00:00:44,278 LET'S ROLL. 23 00:00:44,312 --> 00:00:45,713 - WHERE'S THIS COMING FROM? - I DON'T KNOW. 24 00:00:45,746 --> 00:00:47,448 YOU'RE PUTTING OUT SOME VIBE TODAY. 25 00:00:47,481 --> 00:00:48,782 IT'S JUST DRIVING ME CRAZY. 26 00:00:48,816 --> 00:00:50,751 LISTEN, IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A GOOD TIME, 27 00:00:50,784 --> 00:00:54,288 WHY DON'T YOU COME ON DOWN TO THE TOILET PARTY? 28 00:00:54,322 --> 00:00:55,723 THAT'S WHAT WE CALL THE SEWAGE DEPARTMENT. 29 00:00:55,756 --> 00:00:58,692 - GREAT. OKAY. 30 00:00:58,726 --> 00:01:00,060 - LIKING THE VIEW. 31 00:01:01,429 --> 00:01:03,597 STILL GOT IT, JOE. - NO, YOU DON'T. 32 00:01:03,631 --> 00:01:06,567 [triumphant music] 33 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:14,808 * 34 00:01:24,652 --> 00:01:26,654 - CHRISTOPHER, GOT A SECOND? 35 00:01:26,687 --> 00:01:28,189 - OH, HEY, RON. 36 00:01:28,222 --> 00:01:30,224 - LISTEN, I'VE EATEN A COMMISSARY HAMBURGER 37 00:01:30,258 --> 00:01:31,825 FOR LUNCH EVERY DAY FOR 12 YEARS. 38 00:01:31,859 --> 00:01:33,561 I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE 39 00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:34,895 THIS POINTLESS HEALTH CRUSADE 40 00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:38,132 WON'T AFFECT THE ONLY PART OF MY JOB THAT I LIKE. 41 00:01:38,166 --> 00:01:39,767 - OH, NO, THOSE HAMBURGERS ARE GONE. 42 00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:41,269 RED MEAT CAN CAUSE SLUGGISHNESS, 43 00:01:41,302 --> 00:01:42,803 HEART DISEASE, EVEN IMPOTENCE. 44 00:01:42,836 --> 00:01:45,406 - HAS THE OPPOSITE EFFECT ON ME. 45 00:01:45,439 --> 00:01:46,607 - YOU EVER TRIED A TURKEY BURGER? 46 00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:49,743 - IS THAT A FRIED TURKEY LEG INSIDE A GRILLED HAMBURGER? 47 00:01:49,777 --> 00:01:51,679 IF SO, YES. DELICIOUS. 48 00:01:51,712 --> 00:01:54,648 - A TURKEY BURGER--YOU TAKE LEAN GROUND TURKEY MEAT, 49 00:01:54,682 --> 00:01:56,717 AND YOU MAKE THAT INTO A BURGER, INSTEAD OF RED MEAT. 50 00:01:56,750 --> 00:01:58,386 - WHY WOULD ANYONE DO THAT TO THEMSELVES? 51 00:01:58,419 --> 00:02:01,322 - WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THAT I COULD MAKE A TURKEY BURGER 52 00:02:01,355 --> 00:02:04,725 THAT TASTES BETTER THAN ANY OTHER BURGER YOU'VE EVER HAD? 53 00:02:04,758 --> 00:02:07,428 - CHALLENGE ACCEPTED-- 54 00:02:07,461 --> 00:02:09,663 COOK-OFF LATER TODAY IN THE COURTYARD. 55 00:02:09,697 --> 00:02:12,733 IF I WIN, HAMBURGERS REMAIN IN THE COMMISSARY. 56 00:02:12,766 --> 00:02:14,768 - WHAT DO I GET IF I WIN? 57 00:02:14,802 --> 00:02:16,337 - THE RAREST JEWEL OF ALL-- 58 00:02:16,370 --> 00:02:18,772 VICTORY OVER ME, RON SWANSON. 59 00:02:18,806 --> 00:02:21,509 - I LIKE THAT. WE'RE ON. 60 00:02:21,542 --> 00:02:22,710 - YOU KNOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING THIS, 61 00:02:22,743 --> 00:02:25,913 BUT I ACTUALLY CHECKED OUT THAT, UH--THAT SNOW GLOBE MUSEUM 62 00:02:25,946 --> 00:02:28,516 THAT YOU RECOMMENDED, AND IT WAS PRETTY AWESOME, 63 00:02:28,549 --> 00:02:29,483 I HAVE TO SAY. 64 00:02:29,517 --> 00:02:31,252 I MEAN, I DID GET IN TROUBLE FOR SHAKING ONE. 65 00:02:31,285 --> 00:02:32,886 - YEAH, I'M NOT ALLOWED THERE ANYMORE. 66 00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:34,655 SO I HAVE SOME IDEAS FOR THE HEALTH INITIATIVE. 67 00:02:34,688 --> 00:02:37,591 - OKAY. HOW ABOUT I SWING BY LATER, 68 00:02:37,625 --> 00:02:39,627 AND WE'LL JUST, YOU KNOW, MAYBE GO OVER EVERYTHING? 69 00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:42,196 - OR WE COULD GO OUT AFTER WORK-- 70 00:02:42,230 --> 00:02:45,466 YOU KNOW, GO TO JJ'S OR SOMETHING, GRAB A BITE. 71 00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:47,701 - UM, I-I DON'T THINK I CAN. 72 00:02:47,735 --> 00:02:49,203 BUT WHY DON'T WE JUST TALK ABOUT IT LATER 73 00:02:49,237 --> 00:02:52,440 IN THIS BUILDING? 74 00:02:52,473 --> 00:02:53,774 OKAY? - ALL RIGHT. 75 00:02:53,807 --> 00:02:56,677 BUT, UH, YOU'RE GREAT, AND YOU HAVE GREAT IDEAS, 76 00:02:56,710 --> 00:02:58,612 AND... 77 00:02:58,646 --> 00:03:01,815 UM... 78 00:03:01,849 --> 00:03:03,217 UH, BYE. 79 00:03:03,251 --> 00:03:04,752 [footsteps approaching] 80 00:03:04,785 --> 00:03:08,289 - BYE, BABE. 81 00:03:08,322 --> 00:03:10,391 - HEY, I BROUGHT THIS CHOLESTEROL-TESTING KIT 82 00:03:10,424 --> 00:03:11,959 FOR THE HEALTH THING. - OKAY, LET'S DO IT. 83 00:03:11,992 --> 00:03:15,663 SO I ASKED BEN OUT TO DINNER, AND HE SAID NO. 84 00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:17,965 - WHAT? HE SEEMED REALLY INTO YOU. 85 00:03:17,998 --> 00:03:19,500 WHAT DID HE SAY EXACTLY? 86 00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:21,702 - HE WAS LIKE, "HUH? WHAT? HUH? OH. BYE." 87 00:03:21,735 --> 00:03:23,871 AND THEN HE WALKED INTO AN OFFICE THAT WASN'T HIS. 88 00:03:23,904 --> 00:03:25,506 - OH. YOU KNOW WHAT? 89 00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:26,740 IF HE DOESN'T WANT TO GO OUT WITH YOU, HE'S NUTS. 90 00:03:26,774 --> 00:03:29,510 YOU'RE AWESOME, AND THERE'S A MILLION OTHER GUYS OUT THERE. 91 00:03:29,543 --> 00:03:32,580 I HAVE BEEN HAVING SO MUCH FUN JUST DATING A BUNCH OF PEOPLE. 92 00:03:32,613 --> 00:03:34,715 - I KNOW. WHO WAS THAT GUY YOU WERE TALKING TO OUT THERE 93 00:03:34,748 --> 00:03:36,584 AND THEN ALSO KISSING? I WAS--[yelps] 94 00:03:36,617 --> 00:03:38,552 CRAP ON A CRAYFISH. THAT REALLY STINGS. 95 00:03:38,586 --> 00:03:39,853 - I HAVEN'T PRICKED YOU YET. 96 00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:41,522 - OH, SORRY. I WAS JUST PICTURING IT. 97 00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:43,624 - YOU KNOW WHAT? MAYBE YOU NEED TO CAST A WIDER NET. 98 00:03:43,657 --> 00:03:44,825 HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT INTERNET DATING? 99 00:03:44,858 --> 00:03:46,427 - REALLY? I DON'T THINK THAT'S FOR ME. 100 00:03:46,460 --> 00:03:48,529 AAH! YOU'RE A MONSTER. 101 00:03:48,562 --> 00:03:50,298 - STILL HAVEN'T DONE IT YET. YOU KNOW WHAT? 102 00:03:50,331 --> 00:03:51,665 I'LL HELP YOU SET UP A PROFILE. IT'LL BE FUN. 103 00:03:51,699 --> 00:03:53,701 - ALL RIGHT, YEAH, LET'S DO IT. OKAY, GOOD. 104 00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:55,235 I'M GLAD THAT'S OVER. - OH, IT'S NOT. 105 00:03:56,604 --> 00:03:58,238 - [gasps] [Bleep] YOU, ANN! 106 00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:01,375 - WHO THE HELL IS "FORP"? 107 00:04:01,409 --> 00:04:03,777 - I DON'T KNOW. I COULDN'T REALLY HEAR HIM. 108 00:04:03,811 --> 00:04:05,613 IT SOUNDED LIKE HIS NAME WAS FORP. 109 00:04:05,646 --> 00:04:07,515 - YOU GET HIS NUMBER? - NO. 110 00:04:07,548 --> 00:04:10,418 - GOOD GIRL. 111 00:04:10,451 --> 00:04:11,719 - RON SWANSON. APRIL LUDGATE. 112 00:04:11,752 --> 00:04:13,754 HEY, I'M JUST GONNA POP OVER TO GRAIN 'N SIMPLE 113 00:04:13,787 --> 00:04:15,823 TO GET THE VERY BEST INGREDIENTS FOR MY BURGER. 114 00:04:15,856 --> 00:04:18,859 DO YOU WANT TO COME? - WHAT IS GRAIN 'N SIMPLE? 115 00:04:18,892 --> 00:04:20,661 - IT'S A HEALTH-FOOD STORE. 116 00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:22,062 - PAWNEE DOESN'T HAVE A HEALTH-FOOD STORE. 117 00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:24,765 - NO, BUT SNERLING DOES, AND IT'S ONLY A 40-MINUTE DRIVE. 118 00:04:24,798 --> 00:04:26,334 - WHAT ARE YOU DOING, ANDY? 119 00:04:26,367 --> 00:04:28,502 - I'M GETTING HEALTHIER SNACKS FOR THE SHOESHINE STAND. 120 00:04:28,536 --> 00:04:29,803 CHRIS IS A FOOD GENIUS. 121 00:04:29,837 --> 00:04:31,705 DID YOU KNOW THAT THE FOOD YOU EAT BECOMES ENERGY? 122 00:04:31,739 --> 00:04:35,409 YEAH. BOOM! THAT'S SPAGHETTI. 123 00:04:35,443 --> 00:04:37,077 NACHOS. 124 00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:38,946 THAT'S A COOKIE. 125 00:04:38,979 --> 00:04:41,349 - THAT'S MY HUSBAND. 126 00:04:41,382 --> 00:04:43,617 - SEE YOU TOMORROW? - OKAY. 127 00:04:43,651 --> 00:04:45,353 - IS THAT A DIFFERENT GUY FROM EARLIER? 128 00:04:45,386 --> 00:04:47,355 - WHAT? - NEVER MIND. 129 00:04:47,388 --> 00:04:48,689 - YOU READY TO ROCK THIS PROFILE? 130 00:04:48,722 --> 00:04:49,757 - ALL RIGHT. 131 00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:51,659 YELLOW-HAIRED FEMALE 132 00:04:51,692 --> 00:04:54,728 LIKES WAFFLES AND NEWS. 133 00:04:54,762 --> 00:04:56,830 - SEXY, WELL-READ BLONDE 134 00:04:56,864 --> 00:04:58,799 LOVES THE SWEETER THINGS IN LIFE. 135 00:04:58,832 --> 00:04:59,600 - MUCH BETTER. 136 00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:02,102 - HOBBIES? - ORGANIZING MY AGENDA. 137 00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:03,571 WAIT, THAT DOESN'T SOUND FUN. 138 00:05:03,604 --> 00:05:06,374 UM, JAMMING ON MY PLANNER. 139 00:05:06,407 --> 00:05:07,675 - FAVORITE PLACE? 140 00:05:07,708 --> 00:05:10,544 - UPSTAIRS THERE'S THIS MURAL OF WILDFLOWERS, 141 00:05:10,578 --> 00:05:12,045 AND I LIKE TO SIT ON A BENCH IN FRONT OF IT. 142 00:05:12,079 --> 00:05:13,614 - REALLY? 143 00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:14,782 IT COULD BE ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD-- 144 00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:17,050 PARIS, HAWAII, THE GRAND CANYON. 145 00:05:17,084 --> 00:05:19,687 - NO, JUST THE BENCH IN FRONT OF THE MURAL. 146 00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:20,754 - WHAT ABOUT, LIKE, AN ACTUAL MEADOW 147 00:05:20,788 --> 00:05:22,122 WHERE WILDFLOWERS ARE? - EW, ANN. 148 00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:24,425 I'M SCARED OF BEES. MURAL. 149 00:05:24,458 --> 00:05:25,759 - OKAY, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF DOGS? 150 00:05:25,793 --> 00:05:26,827 - LOVE. 151 00:05:26,860 --> 00:05:27,695 - CATS. - LOVE. 152 00:05:27,728 --> 00:05:29,497 - FISH. - LOVE. 153 00:05:29,530 --> 00:05:30,931 - TURTLES. 154 00:05:30,964 --> 00:05:33,767 - NO OPINION. 155 00:05:33,801 --> 00:05:35,503 THEY'RE CONDESCENDING. 156 00:05:35,536 --> 00:05:38,005 - DESCRIBE YOUR IDEAL MAN. 157 00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:41,041 - HE'S DARK AND MYSTERIOUS, 158 00:05:41,074 --> 00:05:43,911 AND HE CAN SING, AND HE PLAYS THE ORGAN. 159 00:05:43,944 --> 00:05:46,747 - I THINK YOU JUST DESCRIBED THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA. 160 00:05:46,780 --> 00:05:48,882 - MM. 161 00:05:49,950 --> 00:05:52,553 - AH, NIRVANA. HEY, GUYS. 162 00:05:52,586 --> 00:05:53,687 all: HEY, CHRIS. 163 00:05:53,721 --> 00:05:54,888 - AMBER, ANNIE, BILL, JOHNNY. 164 00:05:54,922 --> 00:05:59,159 - NO, I DON'T PLAN TO BUY ANYTHING HERE. 165 00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:02,496 I BUY MY BURGER INGREDIENTS AT FOOD AND STUFF, 166 00:06:02,530 --> 00:06:04,798 A DISCOUNT-FOOD OUTLET EQUIDISTANT FROM MY HOME 167 00:06:04,832 --> 00:06:05,933 AND MY WORK. 168 00:06:05,966 --> 00:06:09,970 I CAME HERE FOR THE SAME REASON PEOPLE GO TO THE ZOO. 169 00:06:11,672 --> 00:06:12,806 SHH. 170 00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:16,744 LOOK AT THAT THING. 171 00:06:16,777 --> 00:06:19,580 NATURE IS AMAZING. 172 00:06:19,613 --> 00:06:21,715 - OKAY. OH, MY GOD. 173 00:06:21,749 --> 00:06:24,452 A 98% MATCH. 174 00:06:24,485 --> 00:06:25,819 THAT'S A SOUL-MATE-LEVEL MATCH. 175 00:06:25,853 --> 00:06:27,755 I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING THIS HIGH BEFORE. 176 00:06:27,788 --> 00:06:30,591 - AWESOME. 177 00:06:30,624 --> 00:06:32,660 - OKAY. I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING. 178 00:06:32,693 --> 00:06:34,828 AND YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU HAVE TO FORGET ABOUT BEN. 179 00:06:34,862 --> 00:06:36,697 HE HAD HIS CHANCE, AND HE BLEW IT. 180 00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:40,200 THIS COMPUTER COULD HAVE FOUND THE FUTURE MR. LESLIE KNOPE. 181 00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:42,670 - YEAH. OKAY... 182 00:06:42,703 --> 00:06:44,872 ENTIRE UNIVERSE OF GUYS I MIGHT DATE, 183 00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:47,107 LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT. 184 00:06:47,140 --> 00:06:48,476 AH! 185 00:06:51,845 --> 00:06:53,180 - THIS IS CRAIG AT HOOSIERMATE.COM. 186 00:06:53,213 --> 00:06:55,583 HOW CAN I HELP YOU? - CRAIG, YOUR SERVICE IS CRAP. 187 00:06:55,616 --> 00:06:57,585 - CAN YOU BE MORE SPECIFIC? - YES. 188 00:06:57,618 --> 00:06:59,052 YOUR SOUL-MATE MATCH WAS TOTALLY WRONG FOR ME. 189 00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:00,821 I MEAN, I LIKE HIM AS A FRIEND AND EVERYTHING, 190 00:07:00,854 --> 00:07:01,955 BUT I'D NEVER GO OUT WITH HIM. 191 00:07:01,989 --> 00:07:03,223 HE'S LIKE A LITTLE SISTER TO ME. 192 00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:04,792 - WE HAVE A VERY SOPHISTICATED ALGORITHM 193 00:07:04,825 --> 00:07:06,760 THAT'S PAIRED UP THOUSANDS OF COUPLES. 194 00:07:06,794 --> 00:07:08,228 I ACTUALLY MET MY WIFE ON THE SITE. 195 00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:09,563 - REALLY? WELL, THAT'S NOT GONNA LAST. 196 00:07:09,597 --> 00:07:10,698 - EXCUSE ME? - YOU HEARD ME. 197 00:07:10,731 --> 00:07:12,733 YOUR MARRIAGE IS A SHAM. GOOD-BYE, CRAIG. 198 00:07:12,766 --> 00:07:16,203 - SEE YOU, SWEETHEART. 199 00:07:16,236 --> 00:07:17,805 - WOW, HE SEEMS NICE. 200 00:07:17,838 --> 00:07:19,807 - EH. HE KIND OF LIVES IN A BARN. 201 00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:20,808 WHAT'S UP? - WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? 202 00:07:20,841 --> 00:07:23,644 WHY DO GOOD GUYS HATE ME AND GROSS GUYS LOVE ME? 203 00:07:23,677 --> 00:07:24,878 DIAGNOSE ME. YOU'RE A NURSE. 204 00:07:24,912 --> 00:07:26,714 - THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. 205 00:07:26,747 --> 00:07:29,717 YOU ARE AN INTELLIGENT, CLASSY, ATTRACTIVE WOMAN. 206 00:07:29,750 --> 00:07:32,052 BUT FOR WHATEVER REASON, RIGHT NOW 207 00:07:32,085 --> 00:07:34,622 ONLY DOUCHE-Y GUYS ARE BUYING WHAT YOU'RE SELLING. 208 00:07:34,655 --> 00:07:38,526 - SO I SHOULD GO AND ASK THEM WHAT THEY THINK I'M SELLING. 209 00:07:38,559 --> 00:07:41,028 A DOUCHE-VESTIGATION. 210 00:07:41,061 --> 00:07:42,062 - NICE. 211 00:07:42,095 --> 00:07:44,765 [knock at door] - HI, JOE. 212 00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:46,500 I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY, 213 00:07:46,534 --> 00:07:47,901 BUT CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND? 214 00:07:47,935 --> 00:07:50,904 - YOU CAN DO ANYTHING TO ME FOR ANY NUMBER OF SECONDS. 215 00:07:50,938 --> 00:07:52,506 - HMM. - WOULD YOU LIKE TO TALK OUTSIDE 216 00:07:52,540 --> 00:07:54,608 IN MY VAN? - NO. HERE'S FINE. 217 00:07:54,642 --> 00:07:58,712 I WAS FLATTERED BY WHAT YOU SAID EARLIER. 218 00:07:58,746 --> 00:08:01,682 AND I WAS JUST WONDERING, WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A WOMAN? 219 00:08:01,715 --> 00:08:04,718 - SHE CAN'T BE IN A WHEELCHAIR, 220 00:08:04,752 --> 00:08:06,286 NO CANES, NO GRAY HAIR. 221 00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:07,821 - SO BASICALLY YOU'RE JUST ATTRACTED TO ME 222 00:08:07,855 --> 00:08:09,122 BECAUSE I'M NOT AN ELDERLY PERSON. 223 00:08:09,156 --> 00:08:10,190 - YEAH. 224 00:08:10,223 --> 00:08:12,626 AND AS I AFOREMENTIONED, 225 00:08:12,660 --> 00:08:14,695 YOU HAVE A KILLER DUMPSTER. 226 00:08:16,730 --> 00:08:19,166 - WHAT DOES THIS DO? 227 00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:27,741 - WOULD YOU LIKE TO SAMPLE OUR VEGAN BACON? 228 00:08:27,775 --> 00:08:29,042 100% MEATLESS. 229 00:08:29,076 --> 00:08:31,078 - YES, PLEASE. 230 00:08:34,982 --> 00:08:37,184 ANOTHER, PLEASE. 231 00:08:37,217 --> 00:08:41,188 - [chuckles awkwardly] SURE. 232 00:08:41,221 --> 00:08:42,990 S-SIR, IS THERE A PROBLEM? 233 00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:45,993 - I'M JUST MAKING SURE NO ONE EVER HAS TO EAT THIS. 234 00:08:46,026 --> 00:08:48,295 - I-I DON'T THINK I CAN GIVE YOU ANYMORE. 235 00:08:48,328 --> 00:08:49,763 - I WANT ONE. 236 00:08:54,768 --> 00:08:56,203 - YEAH, I'M CALLING TO LODGE A COMPLAINT 237 00:08:56,236 --> 00:08:59,139 ABOUT THE SEAWEED AND ALMOND UNDER-EYE CREAM 238 00:08:59,172 --> 00:09:00,774 I PURCHASED FROM YOU GUYS. 239 00:09:00,808 --> 00:09:03,043 OH, MY PROBLEM IS IT SMELLS TERRIBLE. 240 00:09:03,076 --> 00:09:05,078 YEAH, I EVEN MIXED IT WITH ANOTHER UNDER-EYE CREAM, 241 00:09:05,112 --> 00:09:07,881 AND IT STILL SMELLED, SO I RUINED TWO EYE CREAMS. 242 00:09:07,915 --> 00:09:11,051 YES, I WILL HOLD. 243 00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:13,721 * FOREVER YOUNG 244 00:09:13,754 --> 00:09:15,022 * I WANT TO BE 245 00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:17,591 * FOREVER YOUNG 246 00:09:17,625 --> 00:09:19,226 * DO YOU REALLY WANT TO LIVE 247 00:09:19,259 --> 00:09:20,594 * FOREVER? 248 00:09:22,229 --> 00:09:23,764 - WHAT'S THIS? 249 00:09:23,797 --> 00:09:25,733 - DRAGON FRUIT. 250 00:09:25,766 --> 00:09:27,701 - WHAT'S THIS? 251 00:09:27,735 --> 00:09:29,770 - A KIWANO OR HORNED MELON. 252 00:09:29,803 --> 00:09:32,339 - WHAT'S THIS? - A PEACH. 253 00:09:32,372 --> 00:09:35,042 - I KNEW THAT. 254 00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:36,343 - WOW. 255 00:09:36,376 --> 00:09:40,047 FRESH LETTUCE IS MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE FOOD. 256 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:41,048 WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE FOOD? 257 00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:42,215 - OH, I TAKE SKITTLES, 258 00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:45,085 AND I PUT IT BETWEEN TWO STARBURSTS. 259 00:09:45,118 --> 00:09:47,087 YOU KNOW WHAT I CALL IT? - SKITTLE SANDWICH. 260 00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:48,989 - THAT'S PRETTY GOOD. 261 00:09:49,022 --> 00:09:51,925 NO, I CALL IT ANDY'S MOUTH SURPRISE. 262 00:09:51,959 --> 00:09:56,129 IT'S NICE BECAUSE THE FLAVOR OF THE STARBURSTS 263 00:09:56,163 --> 00:09:56,864 REALLY BRING OUT 264 00:09:56,897 --> 00:10:02,770 A SIMILAR FLAVOR IN THE SKITTLES. 265 00:10:02,803 --> 00:10:04,071 - * FOREVER YOUNG 266 00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:06,874 * I WANT TO BE FOREVER YOUNG - HEY, TOM. 267 00:10:06,907 --> 00:10:08,909 UM... - WHAT'S UP? 268 00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:11,979 - DO YOU WANT TO GO TO LUNCH? 269 00:10:12,012 --> 00:10:14,047 - UH, NO, I DON'T REALLY FEEL LIKE GOING TO JJ'S. 270 00:10:14,081 --> 00:10:15,115 - WE CAN GO ANYWHERE. 271 00:10:15,148 --> 00:10:16,950 YOUR CHOICE. I'M BUYING. 272 00:10:16,984 --> 00:10:19,186 - CAN I GET APPS AND 'SERTS? 273 00:10:19,219 --> 00:10:21,121 'SERTS ARE WHAT I CALL DESSERTS. 274 00:10:21,154 --> 00:10:22,823 TRAY-TRAYS ARE ENTREES. 275 00:10:22,856 --> 00:10:26,026 I CALL SANDWICHES SAMMIES, SANDOOZLES, OR ADAM SANDLERS. 276 00:10:26,059 --> 00:10:28,996 AIR CONDITIONERS ARE COOL BLASTERZ, WITH A "Z." 277 00:10:29,029 --> 00:10:30,363 I DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT CAME FROM. 278 00:10:30,397 --> 00:10:32,299 I CALL CAKES BIG OLD COOKIES. 279 00:10:32,332 --> 00:10:34,668 I CALL NOODLES LONG-ASS RICE. 280 00:10:34,702 --> 00:10:37,070 FRIED CHICKEN IS FRY-FRY CHICKY-CHICK. 281 00:10:37,104 --> 00:10:39,106 CHICKEN PARM IS CHICKY-CHICKY PARM-PARM. 282 00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:41,274 CHICKEN CACCIATORE-- CHICKY CATCH. 283 00:10:41,308 --> 00:10:44,077 I CALL EGGS PRE-BIRDS OR FUTURE BIRDS. 284 00:10:44,111 --> 00:10:46,113 ROOT BEER IS SUPER WATER. 285 00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:48,148 TORTILLAS ARE BEAN BLANKIES. 286 00:10:48,181 --> 00:10:50,217 AND I CALL FORKS... 287 00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:52,019 FOOD RAKES. 288 00:10:52,052 --> 00:10:55,188 - YEAH, YOU CAN GET AS MANY 'SERTS AS YOU WANT. 289 00:10:55,222 --> 00:10:57,424 - WELL, LET'S GET IN MY GO-GO MOBILE. 290 00:10:57,457 --> 00:10:59,026 CAR. 291 00:10:59,059 --> 00:11:00,694 - THIS'LL BE FUN. 292 00:11:00,728 --> 00:11:02,863 LET'S SAY YOU RUB A BOTTLE AND A GENIE COMES OUT 293 00:11:02,896 --> 00:11:04,998 AND GIVES YOU THREE WISHES-- WHAT WOULD THOSE WISHES BE? 294 00:11:05,032 --> 00:11:06,834 - COME ON, LESLIE. - THIS'LL BE A FUN GAME. 295 00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:07,768 THREE WISHES. GO. 296 00:11:07,801 --> 00:11:10,303 - OKAY, FIRST WISH, I HAVE A HUGE HOUSE 297 00:11:10,337 --> 00:11:11,872 WITH A TON OF BALCONIES. 298 00:11:11,905 --> 00:11:13,040 - YEAH, OKAY. 299 00:11:13,073 --> 00:11:15,042 - AND I WOULD JUST STAND OUT THERE OBSERVING MY EMPIRE, 300 00:11:15,075 --> 00:11:16,877 LIKE A DRUG DEALER IN A MICHAEL BAY MOVIE. 301 00:11:16,910 --> 00:11:20,047 AND I'LL JUST SPEND MY TIME OUT THERE READING MY iPAD 302 00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:22,415 AND DRINKING ESPRESSOS IN A TERRYCLOTH ROBE. 303 00:11:22,449 --> 00:11:24,351 - WISH NUMBER TWO. 304 00:11:24,384 --> 00:11:28,856 - OKAY, I'M THE CEO OF THE SPIKE TV NETWORK. 305 00:11:28,889 --> 00:11:31,291 AND MY BEST FRIEND/ PERSONAL ASSISTANT 306 00:11:31,324 --> 00:11:33,861 IS OSCAR WINNER JAMIE FOXX. 307 00:11:33,894 --> 00:11:36,396 AND WE CREATE A RAUNCHY ANIMATED SERIES 308 00:11:36,429 --> 00:11:40,868 BASED ON OUR FRIENDSHIP CALLED TOMMY AND THE FOXX. 309 00:11:40,901 --> 00:11:42,903 - OKAY, WE DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS ANYMORE. 310 00:11:42,936 --> 00:11:44,004 - NO, NO, I'M INTO IT NOW. 311 00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:45,005 WISH NUMBER THREE-- 312 00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:46,774 THEY REMAKE POINT BREAK. 313 00:11:46,807 --> 00:11:48,742 I PLAY BOTH ROLES-- 314 00:11:48,776 --> 00:11:50,510 KEANU AND SWAYZE. 315 00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:52,880 - I THINK IF YOU CONTINUE CROSS-TRAINING THE WAY YOU HAVE, 316 00:11:52,913 --> 00:11:55,015 YOU'RE GONNA-- 317 00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:56,516 I DON'T SEE ANY INGREDIENTS. 318 00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:59,186 HAVE YOU BOUGHT INGREDIENTS? - NOPE. 319 00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:01,454 - DO YOU NEED HELP SHOPPING? - NO. 320 00:12:01,488 --> 00:12:03,056 - ARE YOU HURT? CAN YOU MOVE? 321 00:12:03,090 --> 00:12:04,057 - NEVER FELT BETTER. 322 00:12:04,091 --> 00:12:06,493 - CHRIS! 323 00:12:06,526 --> 00:12:08,061 CAN I GET THESE? 324 00:12:08,095 --> 00:12:09,162 - I SAID ONE THING. 325 00:12:09,196 --> 00:12:11,264 - EH. HONEY? 326 00:12:11,298 --> 00:12:12,966 - PINWHEEL. 327 00:12:15,135 --> 00:12:16,369 - LET'S PLAY A DIFFERENT GAME. 328 00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:18,171 I'M GONNA SAY STUFF ABOUT ME, 329 00:12:18,205 --> 00:12:19,506 AND YOU SAY, ON A SCALE FROM ONE TO TEN, 330 00:12:19,539 --> 00:12:21,274 HOW INTERESTED IN THAT THING YOU ARE. 331 00:12:21,308 --> 00:12:23,276 READY? - OKAY. 332 00:12:23,310 --> 00:12:25,946 - I LOVE SUNSHINE AND FRESH AIR AND EARLY-MORNING WALKS. 333 00:12:25,979 --> 00:12:26,814 - ONE. - I HAVE READ 334 00:12:26,847 --> 00:12:28,115 FIVE BIOGRAPHIES OF ELEANOR ROOSEVELT. 335 00:12:28,148 --> 00:12:29,482 - ONE. - I WORK 336 00:12:29,516 --> 00:12:31,051 AT THE PARKS AND RECREATION-- - ONE. 337 00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:32,219 - THAT'S WHAT YOU DO. - ONE. 338 00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:33,954 - I ONCE KISSED A GIRL IN COLLEGE... 339 00:12:33,987 --> 00:12:35,355 - EIGHT. 340 00:12:35,388 --> 00:12:37,190 - WHERE I GRADUATED SUMMA CUM LAUDE IN HISTORY. 341 00:12:37,224 --> 00:12:38,058 - ONE, ZERO, NEGATIVE A BILLION. 342 00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:40,460 DON'T TALK ABOUT IT ANYMORE, PLEASE. 343 00:12:42,229 --> 00:12:46,533 - I LOVE FOOD AND STUFF. 344 00:12:46,566 --> 00:12:50,003 IT'S WHERE I BUY ALL OF MY FOOD... 345 00:12:50,037 --> 00:12:53,240 AND MOST OF MY STUFF. 346 00:12:53,273 --> 00:12:55,008 - HEY, CAN I GET THESE? 347 00:12:55,042 --> 00:12:56,176 - HOW MUCH ARE THEY? 348 00:12:56,209 --> 00:12:58,111 - TWO BUCKS APIECE. 349 00:12:58,145 --> 00:13:00,313 - GOOD DEAL. 350 00:13:00,347 --> 00:13:02,115 - ANYTHING ELSE? 351 00:13:02,149 --> 00:13:06,019 - NOPE. JUST THE CROWS AND THE BEEF. 352 00:13:06,053 --> 00:13:08,355 - SO THE ONLY THING THAT'S IMPORTANT TO YOU IS HOTNESS? 353 00:13:08,388 --> 00:13:11,124 WENDY, LUCY--ALL YOU CARED ABOUT WAS THE SHAPE OF THEIR BOOBS? 354 00:13:11,158 --> 00:13:12,592 - NO. I REALLY LIKED THEM, 355 00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:15,028 AND THEY HAPPENED TO HAVE NICE BREASTS. 356 00:13:15,062 --> 00:13:15,896 YOU'RE ACTING REALLY WEIRD. 357 00:13:15,929 --> 00:13:17,097 W-WHAT'D YOU EVEN BUY ME LUNCH FOR-- 358 00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:19,532 JUST SO YOU COULD YELL AT ME FOR WHAT I LIKE ABOUT WOMEN? 359 00:13:19,566 --> 00:13:21,434 - OKAY. 360 00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:22,970 PROMISE NOT TO TELL ANYONE? 361 00:13:23,003 --> 00:13:24,838 - SURE. - THIS IS INSANE. 362 00:13:24,872 --> 00:13:28,241 BUT YOU AND I GOT MATCHED UP ON HOOSIERMATE.COM. 363 00:13:29,977 --> 00:13:31,278 98% MATCH. 364 00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:35,949 SOUL-MATE-LEVEL MATCH. 365 00:13:35,983 --> 00:13:38,018 - YOU WANT TO DATE ME. 366 00:13:38,051 --> 00:13:39,152 THIS IS A DATE. 367 00:13:39,186 --> 00:13:40,587 - THIS IS NOT A DATE, OKAY? 368 00:13:40,620 --> 00:13:42,589 - UH, YOU TOOK ME TO A FANCY RESTAURANT. 369 00:13:42,622 --> 00:13:44,191 YOU PAID FOR MY MEAL. 370 00:13:44,224 --> 00:13:45,993 AND YOU'RE TRYING TO GET TO KNOW ME BETTER. 371 00:13:46,026 --> 00:13:47,194 - I WAS JUST TRYING TO FIGURE OUT 372 00:13:47,227 --> 00:13:49,529 WHY ONLY SLEAZY GUYS ARE INTO ME RIGHT NOW. 373 00:13:49,562 --> 00:13:52,099 - NICE TRY. YOU LOVE ME. 374 00:13:52,132 --> 00:13:55,135 * LESLIE KNOPE, TOM HAVERFORD * 375 00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:58,038 * DATING IN THE DAY, DATING IN THE NIGHT * 376 00:13:58,071 --> 00:14:00,573 * DATING ALL DAY 'CAUSE HE'S KEEPING IT TIGHT * 377 00:14:00,607 --> 00:14:02,075 - ALL RIGHT, TOM, ENOUGH. 378 00:14:02,109 --> 00:14:04,111 - * DATING IN THE CAR, DATING ON THE FLOOR * 379 00:14:04,144 --> 00:14:06,880 * DATING EVERYWHERE, 'CAUSE SHE WANTS SOME MORE * 380 00:14:06,914 --> 00:14:10,083 [scatting] 381 00:14:11,451 --> 00:14:14,021 - HEY, TOM, I'M JUST PRINTING OUT THESE HEALTH TIPS. 382 00:14:14,054 --> 00:14:16,189 CAN YOU GRAB THEM FOR ME? - ONE SECOND. 383 00:14:16,223 --> 00:14:18,892 I'M JUST LOOKING AT SOME REAL-ESTATE LISTINGS. 384 00:14:18,926 --> 00:14:20,593 OH, THIS IS PERFECT FOR US-- 385 00:14:20,627 --> 00:14:24,031 THREE BEDROOM, AND, OH, GOD, LES, 386 00:14:24,064 --> 00:14:27,167 IT HAS THAT DREAM CLOSET YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED-- 387 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,569 A WALK-IN CLOSET. - OH, GOD. 388 00:14:29,602 --> 00:14:31,438 - HEY, HEY, BOO. 389 00:14:31,471 --> 00:14:35,108 WHAT'S WRONG? WHERE'D YOU GO? 390 00:14:35,142 --> 00:14:37,044 COME BACK TO ME. - STOP IT. 391 00:14:37,077 --> 00:14:39,412 - DON'T DISAPPEAR ON ME. I NEED YOU, BOO. 392 00:14:42,015 --> 00:14:43,516 - ALL RIGHT. UH, LET'S GET INTO IT. 393 00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:46,519 WHAT DO YOU GUYS HAVE FOR HEALTH TIPS? 394 00:14:46,553 --> 00:14:47,554 - BEN, IF IT'S OKAY WITH YOU, 395 00:14:47,587 --> 00:14:50,090 LESLIE AND I ARE GONNA LEAD THE MEETING TODAY 396 00:14:50,123 --> 00:14:52,292 BECAUSE OF OUR DEEP SPIRITUAL CONNECTION. 397 00:14:52,325 --> 00:14:54,361 - OKA-- ALL RIGHT. 398 00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:56,163 IS EVERYTHING OKAY? 399 00:14:56,196 --> 00:14:57,330 - OH, YEAH. - OKAY. 400 00:14:57,364 --> 00:14:58,631 - EVERYTHING IS GREAT, BEN. 401 00:14:58,665 --> 00:15:01,969 LES AND I JUST HAD SOMETHING MAGICAL HAPPEN TODAY 402 00:15:02,002 --> 00:15:03,270 AT LUNCH. 403 00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:06,039 - THERE IS SOME WEIRD JUJU IN THIS ROOM RIGHT NOW. 404 00:15:06,073 --> 00:15:08,275 - OFFICE YOGA. WE DO STRETCHES AT OUR DESK 405 00:15:08,308 --> 00:15:10,143 OR NEXT TO OUR DESK OR IN A CHAIR-- 406 00:15:10,177 --> 00:15:11,511 ALWAYS GOOD FOR YOU. 407 00:15:11,544 --> 00:15:13,113 UM... 408 00:15:13,146 --> 00:15:15,448 WE GIVE EVERYONE PEDOMETERS, 409 00:15:15,482 --> 00:15:16,683 AND WE HAVE A CONTEST-- 410 00:15:16,716 --> 00:15:19,652 WHOEVER TAKES THE MOST STEPS WINS A PRIZE. 411 00:15:19,686 --> 00:15:22,055 YOU KNOW, ANYTHING TO GET THEIR HEART RATE UP. 412 00:15:22,089 --> 00:15:24,457 - YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE GETS PEOPLE'S HEART RATE UP? 413 00:15:24,491 --> 00:15:26,359 DOING IT. 414 00:15:26,393 --> 00:15:29,329 TALKING ABOUT SEX WITH MY BOSS. 415 00:15:31,131 --> 00:15:32,465 - CAN YOU EXCUSE US FOR A SECOND? 416 00:15:32,499 --> 00:15:33,333 - YEAH. 417 00:15:33,366 --> 00:15:35,068 - HEY, CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND? 418 00:15:35,102 --> 00:15:36,303 - OW! LET ME GET OUT OF THE CHAIR! 419 00:15:36,336 --> 00:15:38,238 HEY! - WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? 420 00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:40,140 - LESLIE, IT'S THE WORKPLACE. 421 00:15:40,173 --> 00:15:41,374 YOU'RE BEING A LITTLE BIT TOO FEISTY RIGHT NOW. 422 00:15:41,408 --> 00:15:43,643 - YOU ARE BEING A LITTLE BIT TOO MUCH OF AN ASS RIGHT NOW. 423 00:15:43,676 --> 00:15:45,112 OKAY? KNOCK IT OFF. 424 00:15:45,145 --> 00:15:47,514 - I CAN'T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE. 425 00:15:47,547 --> 00:15:49,116 YOU AND I-- 426 00:15:49,149 --> 00:15:52,352 WE'RE DATING. 427 00:15:55,222 --> 00:15:56,756 - YOU SHOULD BE SO LUCKY. 428 00:15:56,789 --> 00:15:58,091 - LESLIE. - HUH? 429 00:15:58,125 --> 00:16:01,128 - TOM. 430 00:16:04,331 --> 00:16:06,199 - THEY SHOULD FIX THAT. 431 00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:10,070 - IT WAS ALL JUST A JOKE. 432 00:16:10,103 --> 00:16:12,105 I CAN ASSURE YOU, THERE'S NOTHING ROMANTIC GOING ON 433 00:16:12,139 --> 00:16:13,673 BETWEEN ME AND TOM. - I HAVE A VERY STRICT POLICY-- 434 00:16:13,706 --> 00:16:14,774 NO OFFICE RELATIONSHIPS, 435 00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:18,045 PARTICULARLY BETWEEN A SUPERVISOR AND AN EMPLOYEE. 436 00:16:18,078 --> 00:16:19,212 THE TAXPAYERS PAY US, 437 00:16:19,246 --> 00:16:20,780 SO WE CAN'T HAVE ANYTHING 438 00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:22,015 APPEARING EVEN REMOTELY SCANDALOUS. 439 00:16:22,049 --> 00:16:24,151 I'M JUST SAYING, IF YOU CAN'T KEEP YOUR MOUTH TO YOURSELF, 440 00:16:24,184 --> 00:16:27,254 I'M GONNA HAVE TO SUSPEND YOU. - I UNDERSTAND. 441 00:16:27,287 --> 00:16:30,123 - LOOK. CUCUMBER FLOWER. 442 00:16:30,157 --> 00:16:32,092 - WOW. THAT'S SO CUTE. 443 00:16:32,125 --> 00:16:34,161 - WAIT, THAT'S A GARNISH. YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO EAT THAT. 444 00:16:34,194 --> 00:16:35,562 - WHAT? 445 00:16:35,595 --> 00:16:37,230 - SO JUST TYPE UP THOSE ONES WE TALKED ABOUT, 446 00:16:37,264 --> 00:16:39,032 AND WE'LL GET IT FINALIZED TOMORROW. 447 00:16:39,066 --> 00:16:40,633 - YEP. 448 00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:42,035 - HEY, TOM. - YEP. 449 00:16:42,069 --> 00:16:44,137 - UM... 450 00:16:44,171 --> 00:16:46,806 WHAT WAS ALL THAT STUFF WITH YOU AND LESLIE? 451 00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:49,609 - GIRL LIKES INDIAN FOOD. WHAT CAN I SAY? 452 00:16:49,642 --> 00:16:50,610 FINE. 453 00:16:50,643 --> 00:16:53,313 WE GOT MATCHED UP ON AN ONLINE DATING SITE. 454 00:16:53,346 --> 00:16:55,648 AND I WAS MESSING WITH HER. SHE GOT PISSED. 455 00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:57,784 SO SHE TOOK ME OUT IN THE HALLWAY AND KISSED ME 456 00:16:57,817 --> 00:16:59,819 OUT OF REVENGE. - REALLY? 457 00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:02,189 - AND AS MUCH AS IT PAINS ME TO ADMIT THIS, 458 00:17:02,222 --> 00:17:03,623 IT WAS NOT DISGUSTING. 459 00:17:03,656 --> 00:17:06,093 - OKAY, WELL, I DON'T NEED THE DETAILS. 460 00:17:06,126 --> 00:17:07,827 - I'M JUST SAYING, SHE KNOWS WHAT TO DO. 461 00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:10,463 - ALL RIGHT. - LIKE, I WAS IMPRESSED. 462 00:17:10,497 --> 00:17:12,532 - YEAH. - IT WAS STIRRING. 463 00:17:12,565 --> 00:17:13,833 - GOOD-BYE. - IT FELT LIKE-- 464 00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:15,468 - CAN--YEP. - ALL RIGHT. 465 00:17:15,502 --> 00:17:18,171 - JUST--ALL RIGHT. - ANYWAY, LIKE I WAS SAYING... 466 00:17:18,205 --> 00:17:20,240 - I HUMBLY PLACE BEFORE YOU 467 00:17:20,273 --> 00:17:22,842 MY EAST MEETS WEST PATENTED TRAEGER TURKEY BURGER-- 468 00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:24,544 AN ASIAN FUSION BURGER 469 00:17:24,577 --> 00:17:27,114 MADE WITH WILLOW FARMS ORGANIC TURKEY, 470 00:17:27,147 --> 00:17:28,615 A TOASTED TALLEGIO-CHEESE CRISP, 471 00:17:28,648 --> 00:17:31,518 PAPAYA CHUTNEY, BLACK TRUFFLE AIOLI, 472 00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:33,753 AND MICRO-GREENS ON A GLUTEN-FREE BRIOCHE BUN. 473 00:17:33,786 --> 00:17:35,788 ENJOY. - MMM. 474 00:17:35,822 --> 00:17:38,425 THIS TASTES AS DELICIOUS AS BEYONCE SMELLS... 475 00:17:38,458 --> 00:17:39,692 I'M GUESSING. 476 00:17:39,726 --> 00:17:41,761 - WHAT IS THIS IN HERE-- SAFFRON? 477 00:17:41,794 --> 00:17:44,131 - WOW, SOMEBODY'S GOT A SHARP PALATE. 478 00:17:44,164 --> 00:17:46,233 - I LOVE THE UMAMI FLAVOR. 479 00:17:46,266 --> 00:17:48,301 - STOP BEING SO PRETENTIOUS, KYLE. 480 00:17:48,335 --> 00:17:50,203 - SORRY. - HERE'S MINE. 481 00:17:50,237 --> 00:17:54,107 IT'S A HAMBURGER MADE OUT OF MEAT ON A BUN 482 00:17:54,141 --> 00:17:55,642 WITH NOTHING. 483 00:17:55,675 --> 00:17:57,444 ADD KETCHUP IF YOU WANT. 484 00:17:57,477 --> 00:18:00,213 I COULDN'T CARE LESS. 485 00:18:00,247 --> 00:18:02,649 - RON, I'M SO DISAPPOINTED. 486 00:18:02,682 --> 00:18:05,118 I THOUGHT THAT YOU AND I WERE GONNA HAVE A REAL CHALLENGE. 487 00:18:05,152 --> 00:18:06,586 - NEVER MIND. THIS IS BETTER. 488 00:18:06,619 --> 00:18:08,455 - WAY BETTER. - MMM. YEP. 489 00:18:08,488 --> 00:18:09,456 MM-HMM. 490 00:18:09,489 --> 00:18:10,757 - KYLE? 491 00:18:10,790 --> 00:18:12,592 - SORRY, ANDY. RON'S IS BETTER. 492 00:18:12,625 --> 00:18:15,195 - DAMN IT, KYLE. 493 00:18:15,228 --> 00:18:17,564 OH, MY GOD, IT'S SO MUCH BETTER, IT'S CRAZY. 494 00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:20,267 - TURKEY CAN NEVER BEAT COW, CHRIS. 495 00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:21,768 SORRY. 496 00:18:21,801 --> 00:18:23,603 - I DON'T UNDERSTAND. 497 00:18:23,636 --> 00:18:25,905 I-I-I'VE TINKERED WITH THIS RECIPE FOR YEARS. 498 00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:28,841 GRANTED, IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I'VE HAD HAMBURGER. 499 00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:37,384 THIS IS BETTER. 500 00:18:37,417 --> 00:18:38,885 THE COMMISSARY WILL CONTINUE TO SERVE 501 00:18:38,918 --> 00:18:41,488 HORRIFYING, ARTERY-CLOGGING HAMBURGERS. 502 00:18:41,521 --> 00:18:43,356 [cheers and applause] 503 00:18:45,925 --> 00:18:48,895 - MAN, WE SPENT, LIKE, 50 HOURS WORKING ON THOSE BURGERS. 504 00:18:48,928 --> 00:18:50,930 - I KNOW. HARD WORK NEVER PAYS OFF. 505 00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:53,600 - COOKING IS DUMB. 506 00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:55,802 - I SWEAR ON THIS DEAD CROW 507 00:18:55,835 --> 00:18:58,338 THAT I WILL NEVER COOK FOR YOU. 508 00:18:58,371 --> 00:19:01,908 - I LOVE YOU. 509 00:19:01,941 --> 00:19:03,876 - I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE THAT THERE WERE NO HARD FEELINGS 510 00:19:03,910 --> 00:19:05,445 AFTER I FORCED YOU TO BREAK UP WITH TOM. 511 00:19:05,478 --> 00:19:08,315 - OH, WE WEREN'T-- NO. 512 00:19:08,348 --> 00:19:09,649 NO HARD FEELINGS. 513 00:19:09,682 --> 00:19:11,251 - 'CAUSE IT'S JUST A REAL BUGABOO OF MINE. 514 00:19:11,284 --> 00:19:12,719 AND IT APPLIES TO EVERYONE. 515 00:19:12,752 --> 00:19:14,587 JUST THE OTHER DAY, BEN TOLD ME 516 00:19:14,621 --> 00:19:15,955 THAT HE MIGHT WANT TO SOCIALIZE WITH SOMEBODY 517 00:19:15,988 --> 00:19:17,757 FROM THE GOVERNMENT, AND I SAID, "I'M SORRY. 518 00:19:17,790 --> 00:19:19,792 NOT POSSIBLE." - REALLY? 519 00:19:19,826 --> 00:19:21,361 DID HE SAY WHO? 520 00:19:21,394 --> 00:19:23,796 - NO, AND I DIDN'T ASK, 'CAUSE IT'S IRRELEVANT. 521 00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:25,332 HE OVERSEES EVERY DEPARTMENT. 522 00:19:25,365 --> 00:19:26,866 IT SIMPLY CAN'T HAPPEN. 523 00:19:26,899 --> 00:19:29,202 THIS IS LITERALLY THE BEST THING I'VE EVER EATEN. 524 00:19:29,236 --> 00:19:31,471 MMM. AND IT'S SO BAD FOR ME. 525 00:19:31,504 --> 00:19:32,839 I'M GONNA HAVE TO JOG WHILE I DIGEST THIS. 526 00:19:32,872 --> 00:19:36,276 EXCUSE ME. 527 00:19:36,309 --> 00:19:37,644 - HEY, WHAT'S UP? - HEY. 528 00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:40,847 WELL, UH, I THINK I'M ALLERGIC TO CHUTNEY. 529 00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:42,682 ALSO, WHAT'S CHUTNEY? 530 00:19:42,715 --> 00:19:44,384 - NO CLUE. - YEAH. 531 00:19:44,417 --> 00:19:45,885 - HEY, I NEVER GOT TO TELL YOU THE REST OF MY IDEAS. 532 00:19:45,918 --> 00:19:47,820 YOU WANT TO GO SOMEWHERE AND TALK ABOUT 'EM? 533 00:19:47,854 --> 00:19:49,556 - YEAH. YEAH, I'D LOVE TO. 534 00:19:49,589 --> 00:19:51,524 UM, LET ME GET SOME ACTUAL FOOD 535 00:19:51,558 --> 00:19:53,726 AND THEN-- DO YOU KNOW 536 00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:56,529 THAT WILDFLOWER MURAL UP ON THE SECOND FLOOR? 537 00:19:56,563 --> 00:19:58,798 - MM-HMM. - YEAH? 538 00:19:58,831 --> 00:19:59,866 YOU WANT TO MEET THERE? 539 00:19:59,899 --> 00:20:01,901 - YEAH. - OKAY. 540 00:20:01,934 --> 00:20:03,403 - SOUNDS GOOD. 541 00:20:03,436 --> 00:20:05,505 I DON'T KNOW IF THE ONLINE THING IS FOR ME. 542 00:20:05,538 --> 00:20:08,575 I PREFER TO MEET PEOPLE IN PERSON. 543 00:20:08,608 --> 00:20:10,543 IT'S LIKE DOOR NUMBER TWO 544 00:20:10,577 --> 00:20:13,313 ON LET'S MAKE A DEAL. 545 00:20:13,346 --> 00:20:14,881 DO YOU WANT THE THING THAT YOU HAVE, 546 00:20:14,914 --> 00:20:16,316 THAT YOU KNOW YOU LIKE 547 00:20:16,349 --> 00:20:18,951 BUT ISN'T PERFECT, 548 00:20:18,985 --> 00:20:23,823 OR DO YOU GIVE IT UP FOR WHAT'S BEHIND DOOR NUMBER TWO? 549 00:20:23,856 --> 00:20:27,026 I THINK I LIKE WHAT I HAVE. 550 00:20:27,059 --> 00:20:29,896 I'M GONNA TRY TO MAKE IT WORK WITH TOM. 551 00:20:29,929 --> 00:20:31,498 I'M KIDDING. 552 00:20:33,566 --> 00:20:34,334 - ALL RIGHT, BE HONEST, TOM. 553 00:20:34,367 --> 00:20:35,868 HOW DID YOU AND I GET MATCHED UP? 554 00:20:35,902 --> 00:20:37,537 - I MADE 26 PROFILES, 555 00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:39,706 EACH DESIGNED TO ATTRACT A DIFFERENT TYPE OF GIRL. 556 00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:42,642 TOM A. HAVERFORD, SPORTY AND SEXY. 557 00:20:42,675 --> 00:20:44,911 TOM B. HAVERFORD, SMOOTH AND SOULFUL. 558 00:20:44,944 --> 00:20:46,746 WHICH LETTER DID YOU GET? 559 00:20:46,779 --> 00:20:48,681 - "N." TOM N. HAVERFORD. 560 00:20:48,715 --> 00:20:50,049 - [laughs] 561 00:20:50,082 --> 00:20:51,551 THE "N" STANDS FOR "NERD." 562 00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:52,652 I NEVER EVEN CHECK THAT ONE, 563 00:20:52,685 --> 00:20:53,653 'CAUSE NO ONE EVER RESPONDS TO IT. 564 00:20:53,686 --> 00:20:54,887 - OKAY, WELL, WHATEVER. 565 00:20:54,921 --> 00:20:57,357 - TOM N. HAVERFORD COLLECTS GLOBES. 566 00:20:57,390 --> 00:20:58,591 - GREAT. THAT'S ENOUGH. 567 00:20:58,625 --> 00:21:00,527 - HIS FAVORITE MOVIE IS BOOKS. 568 00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:01,594 - DONNA. 569 00:21:05,765 --> 00:21:09,469 EVERY TIME I WANT YOU TO SHUT UP FROM NOW ON.