1 00:00:01,669 --> 00:00:06,540 [keys clacking loudly] 2 00:00:06,574 --> 00:00:08,809 - I FOUND THIS TYPEWRITER NEXT TO THE COURTYARD DUMPSTER-- 3 00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:12,746 AN OLD UNDERWOOD FIVE WITH ORIGINAL CARRIAGE RETURN. 4 00:00:12,780 --> 00:00:14,315 [dings] AH. 5 00:00:14,348 --> 00:00:16,717 I TOOK HER HOME, POLISHED HER UP, 6 00:00:16,750 --> 00:00:20,788 AND BOUGHT A BRAND-NEW RIBBON OFF OF ELECTRONICBAY.COM. 7 00:00:20,821 --> 00:00:23,757 - OKAY, SOMEBODY'S GOT TO DO SOMETHING. 8 00:00:23,791 --> 00:00:25,493 I'M GETTING A CLUSTER HEADACHE. 9 00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:28,496 - OH, WHOA, WHOA, HE'S LEAVING. 10 00:00:28,529 --> 00:00:29,763 - LET'S GO. 11 00:00:29,797 --> 00:00:32,233 I'M GONNA THROW IT AWAY. 12 00:00:32,266 --> 00:00:34,168 NO, I'M NOT. IT WEIGHS A BILLION TONS. 13 00:00:34,202 --> 00:00:35,369 - WHAT IS HE TYPING ANYWAY? 14 00:00:35,403 --> 00:00:38,572 - "IF YOU SONS OF BITCHES TRY TO REMOVE THIS TYPEWRITER, 15 00:00:38,606 --> 00:00:41,575 I'LL KILL YOU." 16 00:00:41,609 --> 00:00:45,746 - I'M GONNA TYPE EVERY WORD I KNOW. 17 00:00:45,779 --> 00:00:46,780 RECTANGLE! 18 00:00:46,814 --> 00:00:48,749 AMERICA! 19 00:00:48,782 --> 00:00:50,351 MEGAPHONE! 20 00:00:50,384 --> 00:00:53,087 MONDAY! 21 00:00:53,121 --> 00:00:54,622 BUTTHOLE. 22 00:00:54,655 --> 00:00:57,625 [triumphant music] 23 00:00:57,658 --> 00:01:05,733 * 24 00:01:14,775 --> 00:01:17,678 - WELL, I HATE TO BE THE BEARER OF BAD TIDINGS, 25 00:01:17,711 --> 00:01:20,414 BUT THESE INTERVIEWS ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN WE THOUGHT. 26 00:01:20,448 --> 00:01:22,683 HARVEST FEST IS TWO WEEKS AWAY, 27 00:01:22,716 --> 00:01:25,119 AND AWARENESS IS STILL PRETTY LOW. 28 00:01:25,153 --> 00:01:26,520 - BOY, 35%. 29 00:01:26,554 --> 00:01:28,289 - IT'S ACTUALLY 34.2%. 30 00:01:28,322 --> 00:01:29,590 - [robotic voice] 34.2%. 31 00:01:29,623 --> 00:01:31,425 I AM BEN, THE NUMBERS ROBOT. 32 00:01:31,459 --> 00:01:32,893 - IT'S JUST AN EXACT, UH, CALCULATION. 33 00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:34,595 - [robotic voice] IT IS JUST AN EXACT CALCULATION. 34 00:01:34,628 --> 00:01:35,629 - ALL RIGHT. 35 00:01:35,663 --> 00:01:37,531 - SO WE'RE DOING A HUGE MEDIA BLITZ 36 00:01:37,565 --> 00:01:39,400 TO PUBLICIZE THE HARVEST FESTIVAL, 37 00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:42,336 AND WE'VE GOT TV, NEWSPAPER, RADIO, 38 00:01:42,370 --> 00:01:45,473 AND I EVEN CALLED OPRAH. 39 00:01:45,506 --> 00:01:47,375 WELL, I TRIED TO CALL OPRAH. 40 00:01:47,408 --> 00:01:48,642 I-I COULDN'T GET HER NUMBER. 41 00:01:48,676 --> 00:01:51,779 I'M PUTTING IT OUT THERE LIKE THE SECRET... 42 00:01:51,812 --> 00:01:54,682 AND HOPEFULLY SHE'LL CALL ME. 43 00:01:54,715 --> 00:01:56,817 OUR FIRST INTERVIEW IS AT 93.7 F.M. 44 00:01:56,850 --> 00:01:57,751 WITH CRAZY IRA AND THE DOUCHE. 45 00:01:57,785 --> 00:02:01,255 - [imitating DJ] CRAZY IRA AND THE DOUCHE. 46 00:02:01,289 --> 00:02:04,158 - THEY ARE PAWNEE'S MOST HILARIOUS DRIVE-TIME RADIO GUYS. 47 00:02:04,192 --> 00:02:05,659 - SO MUCH BETTER THAN TUBBY TONY AND THE PAPAYA. 48 00:02:05,693 --> 00:02:06,794 AM I RIGHT? 49 00:02:06,827 --> 00:02:08,562 - THEY'RE SERIOUSLY SO FUNNY. 50 00:02:08,596 --> 00:02:09,897 - IS THIS RIGHT? 51 00:02:09,930 --> 00:02:11,699 - THIS FEELS ALMOST PERFECT, 52 00:02:11,732 --> 00:02:15,869 BUT I DON'T THINK YOUR CORE HAS MAXIMIZED ELASTICITY. 53 00:02:15,903 --> 00:02:18,506 - OKAY, UM, I'LL COME BACK IF YOU GUYS ARE BEING WEIRD. 54 00:02:18,539 --> 00:02:19,673 - NO, NO, NO, NO! 55 00:02:19,707 --> 00:02:21,509 YOU'RE EXACTLY THE PERSON THAT I MOST WANT TO TALK TO 56 00:02:21,542 --> 00:02:22,810 RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT. 57 00:02:22,843 --> 00:02:24,612 AND LUNGE. - OH. 58 00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:26,447 HAVE YOU GIVEN MY OFFER ANY MORE THOUGHT? 59 00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:29,350 - WHAT EXACTLY WOULD HAPPEN IF I SAID YES? 60 00:02:29,383 --> 00:02:31,419 - WELL, YOU WOULD WORK AT THE STATE HOUSE. 61 00:02:31,452 --> 00:02:32,753 YOU WOULD COORDINATE 62 00:02:32,786 --> 00:02:33,754 MY PROFESSIONAL AND PERSONAL SCHEDULE, 63 00:02:33,787 --> 00:02:35,789 AND WE WOULD GIVE YOU A SMALL RELOCATION FEE 64 00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:36,590 FOR YOUR MOVE TO INDIANAPOLIS. 65 00:02:36,624 --> 00:02:38,692 - [softly] OH, THAT SOUNDS BORING. 66 00:02:38,726 --> 00:02:41,529 [normal voice] BUT I HAVE NOTHING KEEPING ME HERE. 67 00:02:41,562 --> 00:02:43,564 DO YOU HAVE INTERNET IN YOUR OFFICE? 68 00:02:43,597 --> 00:02:45,599 - [snaps fingers] YES. 69 00:02:45,633 --> 00:02:47,535 - [snaps fingers] FINE. I'LL DO IT. 70 00:02:47,568 --> 00:02:48,736 - THAT IS LITERALLY THE BEST NEWS 71 00:02:48,769 --> 00:02:50,538 THAT I'VE HEARD ALL DAY. 72 00:02:50,571 --> 00:02:53,441 - UNLIKE APRIL, I STILL DO NOT KNOW 73 00:02:53,474 --> 00:02:55,476 WHAT MY FUTURE HOLDS WITH CHRIS, 74 00:02:55,509 --> 00:02:58,412 AND IT'S STARTING TO BUM ME OUT. 75 00:02:58,446 --> 00:03:00,781 I NEED SOME MORE VITAMIN "D." 76 00:03:00,814 --> 00:03:02,683 YEAH. 77 00:03:02,716 --> 00:03:06,254 - OH, HEY, CRAZY. WHAT WAS THAT MEETING ABOUT? 78 00:03:06,287 --> 00:03:08,489 - OH, IT TURNS OUT CHRIS IS MY REAL DAD. 79 00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:09,723 - I THINK YOU'RE LYING. 80 00:03:09,757 --> 00:03:11,659 I THINK I KNOW WHAT THAT MEETING WAS ABOUT. 81 00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:13,594 YOU CAN'T GO TO INDIANAPOLIS. 82 00:03:13,627 --> 00:03:15,563 THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING THAT I CAN DO TO CONVINCE YOU 83 00:03:15,596 --> 00:03:17,598 HOW MUCH I CARE ABOUT YOU. 84 00:03:17,631 --> 00:03:19,867 [gasps] TELL ME YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THINGS 85 00:03:19,900 --> 00:03:22,436 YOU HAVE TO DO EVERY DAY, AND I'LL DO THEM FOR A MONTH. 86 00:03:22,470 --> 00:03:24,004 - FINE. 87 00:03:24,037 --> 00:03:26,240 IF YOU DO EVERYTHING I HATE FOR A MONTH, 88 00:03:26,274 --> 00:03:28,742 THEN I MIGHT BEGIN TO THINK ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY 89 00:03:28,776 --> 00:03:32,380 OF THINKING ABOUT MAYBE STAYING. 90 00:03:32,413 --> 00:03:35,449 - THAT'S ALL I HAVE TO HEAR. 91 00:03:35,483 --> 00:03:38,686 YOU WON'T LIVE TO REGRET THIS. 92 00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:41,289 - UNLESS ANDY CAN UN-KISS ANN, 93 00:03:41,322 --> 00:03:43,991 THEN I'M NOT GONNA CHANGE MY MIND. 94 00:03:44,024 --> 00:03:45,759 BUT IF HE WANTS TO TAKE MY DUMB SISTER 95 00:03:45,793 --> 00:03:47,295 TO HER DUMB DANCE CLASS, 96 00:03:47,328 --> 00:03:51,299 THEN I'M NOT GONNA DUMB STOP HIM. 97 00:03:51,332 --> 00:03:54,268 - CRAZY IRA AND THE DOUCHE-- 93.7. 98 00:03:54,302 --> 00:03:56,704 - YOU KNOW WHY I'D NEVER BE AN ASTRONAUT? 99 00:03:56,737 --> 00:03:59,707 TWO WORDS--SPACE FARTS. 100 00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:02,543 YOU CAN'T ROLL DOWN THE WINDOW OF THE SHUTTLE. 101 00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:03,577 AM I RIGHT, FOLKS? 102 00:04:03,611 --> 00:04:05,313 - HOUSTON, WE HAVE A... [farting] 103 00:04:05,346 --> 00:04:07,548 NOW, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT, NEIL ARMSTRONG? 104 00:04:07,581 --> 00:04:10,718 THAT'S ONE SMALL... [farting] FOR MAN. 105 00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:13,921 ONE GIANT... [farting] FOR MANKIND. 106 00:04:13,954 --> 00:04:15,889 ALL RIGHT, SWITCHING GEARS HERE NOW. 107 00:04:15,923 --> 00:04:18,759 WE GOT LESLIE KNOPE AND TOM HAVERFART... 108 00:04:18,792 --> 00:04:21,429 [farting] AND, UH, BEN WYATT, AND THEY'RE IN THE HIZZY 109 00:04:21,462 --> 00:04:25,566 TO TALK ABOUT AN UPCOMING EVENT CALLED THE HARVEST FESTIVAL. 110 00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:27,635 - WELL, THE DOUCHE, IT'S A PAWNEE TRADITION, 111 00:04:27,668 --> 00:04:30,938 AND IT'S WHERE FUN MEETS AWESOME... 112 00:04:30,971 --> 00:04:32,840 MEETS AGRICULTURE. 113 00:04:32,873 --> 00:04:35,609 AND IT IS GOING TO BE NEXT MONTH RIGHT HERE IN PAWNEE. 114 00:04:35,643 --> 00:04:36,777 AND SPOILER ALERT-- 115 00:04:36,810 --> 00:04:38,912 IT'S GONNA HAVE THE BEST CORN MAZE EVER. 116 00:04:38,946 --> 00:04:41,549 - YOU LOST YOUR VIRGINITY IN A CORN MAZE, DIDN'T YOU, DOUCHE? 117 00:04:41,582 --> 00:04:42,783 - OH, THAT'S RIGHT, TO YOUR MOM. 118 00:04:42,816 --> 00:04:44,618 [woman moaning] 119 00:04:44,652 --> 00:04:47,421 - CRAZY IRA, CLEAN YOUR ROOM! 120 00:04:47,455 --> 00:04:49,790 - THERE'S ALSO GONNA BE HAYRIDES. 121 00:04:49,823 --> 00:04:52,059 - "HEY, RIDE ME"...IS WHAT CRAZY IRA'S MOM SAID. 122 00:04:52,092 --> 00:04:53,727 - STOP IT! 123 00:04:53,761 --> 00:04:55,095 [woman moaning] 124 00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:57,798 - CHINA JOE, YOU ARE A POET. 125 00:04:57,831 --> 00:04:59,467 [laughing] 126 00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:00,834 - MY BIRD IS MISSING. 127 00:05:00,868 --> 00:05:02,703 I NEED A PERMIT TO POST SIGNS. 128 00:05:02,736 --> 00:05:05,406 - OH, LET ME JUST LOOK FOR THAT FORM. 129 00:05:05,439 --> 00:05:07,808 - THERE'S NO TIME! HE CAN FLY! 130 00:05:07,841 --> 00:05:09,877 - NINE THINGS APRIL HATES TO DO. 131 00:05:09,910 --> 00:05:12,413 "NUMBER ONE, RUN THE PERMITS DESK FOR AN HOUR." 132 00:05:12,446 --> 00:05:13,614 THAT'S NO PROBLEM. 133 00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:16,450 I EAT RUNNING THE PERMITS DESK FOR AN HOUR FOR BREAKFAST. 134 00:05:16,484 --> 00:05:18,452 OW, THAT'S--OW. 135 00:05:18,486 --> 00:05:19,853 - HENRY, STOP IT. - OW. 136 00:05:19,887 --> 00:05:22,756 OKAY, HENRY. CUTE KID. 137 00:05:22,790 --> 00:05:25,859 - ANDY, GOT A SEC? 138 00:05:25,893 --> 00:05:28,829 - YEAH. - HENRY. 139 00:05:28,862 --> 00:05:30,764 - WHY ARE YOU WORKING THE PERMITS DESK? 140 00:05:30,798 --> 00:05:34,868 AND WHY WAS THAT CHILD CLUBBING YOUR NUGGETS? 141 00:05:34,902 --> 00:05:37,838 - I'M TRYING TO STOP APRIL FROM TAKING A JOB WITH CHRIS, 142 00:05:37,871 --> 00:05:41,475 SO I'M DOING EVERYTHING SHE HATES DOING FOR THE NEXT MONTH. 143 00:05:41,509 --> 00:05:44,044 - THAT'S GOING TO WORK? - SHE SAID IT MIGHT. 144 00:05:44,077 --> 00:05:46,614 BUT IT'S ALL I GOT, MAN. 145 00:05:47,815 --> 00:05:49,883 - GIVE ME THE LIST. 146 00:05:49,917 --> 00:05:51,118 I'LL HELP YOU. 147 00:05:51,151 --> 00:05:54,388 - OH, MY GOD. THANK YOU. 148 00:05:56,690 --> 00:05:58,158 - YOU GOT IT. 149 00:05:58,191 --> 00:05:59,960 NO, I DON'T CARE ABOUT THEIR RELATIONSHIP. 150 00:05:59,993 --> 00:06:02,796 I JUST DON'T WANT TO LOSE APRIL. 151 00:06:02,830 --> 00:06:06,800 I WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO FIND A WORSE ASSISTANT. 152 00:06:06,834 --> 00:06:08,502 - OKAY, THANKS, LESLIE. 153 00:06:08,536 --> 00:06:10,938 BUT YOU KNOW WHAT WE REALLY WANT TO DO TODAY 154 00:06:10,971 --> 00:06:14,742 IS HAVE A CHAT WITH BEN WYATT HERE. 155 00:06:14,775 --> 00:06:15,743 - COME ON, BEN. - COME ON, BEN! 156 00:06:15,776 --> 00:06:17,778 - I'M MORE OF A BEHIND THE SCENES KIND OF GUY. 157 00:06:17,811 --> 00:06:20,948 - WELL, IT'S EITHER COME WITH US OR GET IN THE SPANK CHAIR. 158 00:06:20,981 --> 00:06:22,750 SO MAYBE IT'S TIME FOR AN INTERVIEW. 159 00:06:22,783 --> 00:06:24,718 COME ON, EVERYBODY, GIVE HIM A HAND. 160 00:06:24,752 --> 00:06:26,987 - COME ON OVER, BEN. - OH, YEAH. 161 00:06:27,020 --> 00:06:29,457 SO THIS GUY, BEN WYATT, 162 00:06:29,490 --> 00:06:31,625 WE'RE LOOKING HIM UP ON ALTAVISTA. 163 00:06:31,659 --> 00:06:36,464 HE'S FROM SOME HICK TOWN-- PARTRIDGE, MINNESOTA-- 164 00:06:36,497 --> 00:06:40,801 AND WHEN HE'S 18, HE'S ELECTED MAYOR. 165 00:06:40,834 --> 00:06:43,804 [patriotic music] 166 00:06:43,837 --> 00:06:45,739 * 167 00:06:45,773 --> 00:06:48,809 [farting] 168 00:06:48,842 --> 00:06:51,144 - THAT'S FUNNY. THAT'S FUNNY. 169 00:06:51,178 --> 00:06:53,447 - HE'S 18, BECOMES THE MAYOR, 170 00:06:53,481 --> 00:06:56,884 AND THEN BLOWS THE WHOLE BUDGET ON AN ICE-SKATING RINK. 171 00:06:56,917 --> 00:06:57,718 CITY GOES BANKRUPT. 172 00:06:57,751 --> 00:07:00,688 [explosion] - YOU'RE OUT OF THERE. 173 00:07:00,721 --> 00:07:02,122 - WHAT DID YOU CALL IT AGAIN, BEN? 174 00:07:02,155 --> 00:07:04,958 - [laughing] WHAT WAS IT CALLED? SAY IT. 175 00:07:04,992 --> 00:07:06,760 - ICE TOWN. 176 00:07:06,794 --> 00:07:08,896 [laughter] 177 00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:10,664 - I WAS JUST A-- I WAS A KID, 178 00:07:10,698 --> 00:07:14,067 AND, UM, WHEN YOU--YOU-- 179 00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:17,705 YOU END UP GETTING OUT THERE AND, UH--AND THERE'S A-- 180 00:07:17,738 --> 00:07:19,807 - OH, I REALLY WISH YOU GUYS COULD SEE THIS GUY RIGHT NOW. 181 00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:21,809 HE IS "DRAUNCHED" IS SWEAT. 182 00:07:21,842 --> 00:07:24,878 - THERE'S--THERE'S ALSO GONNA BE PONIES AT THE HARVEST FESTIVAL. 183 00:07:24,912 --> 00:07:27,981 - ALL RIGHT, LET'S TAKE A CALLER FROM DOUCHE NATION. 184 00:07:28,015 --> 00:07:29,883 ALL RIGHT, TALK TO ME, CALLER. - WHAT'S UP, GUYS? 185 00:07:29,917 --> 00:07:31,819 JUST DOUCHEIN' OVER HERE IN EAGLETON. 186 00:07:31,852 --> 00:07:32,786 - SWEET. 187 00:07:32,820 --> 00:07:35,656 - SEEMS LIKE 18 IS PRETTY YOUNG FOR A MAYOR. 188 00:07:35,689 --> 00:07:38,659 WHAT WERE YOU, LIKE, 12? - [laughing] 189 00:07:38,692 --> 00:07:40,761 - THE FUNNY, UM... 190 00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:41,962 WHEN... 191 00:07:41,995 --> 00:07:44,732 I GUESS... 192 00:07:44,765 --> 00:07:47,167 THE FORTUNATE, UM... 193 00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:49,803 CAN WE JUST SORT OF-- 194 00:07:49,837 --> 00:07:51,839 [video game sound effect] 195 00:07:51,872 --> 00:07:53,907 - GAME OVER, MAN. GAME OVER. 196 00:07:56,544 --> 00:07:57,511 - NICE JOB, MAN. 197 00:07:57,545 --> 00:07:59,046 WAS THAT YOUR FIRST TIME TALKING TO OTHER PEOPLE? 198 00:07:59,079 --> 00:07:59,980 'CAUSE IT CAME OFF THAT WAY. 199 00:08:00,013 --> 00:08:01,849 YOU EMBARRASSED ME IN FRONT OF THE DOUCHE. 200 00:08:01,882 --> 00:08:03,617 - I'M SORRY, YOU GUYS. I JUST--I HAVEN'T HAD TO DEAL 201 00:08:03,651 --> 00:08:04,918 WITH THAT MAYOR STUFF FOR 17 YEARS. 202 00:08:04,952 --> 00:08:06,253 I GUESS I'M NOT TOTALLY OVER IT. 203 00:08:06,286 --> 00:08:08,656 - NO WORRIES. LOOK, IT WAS JUST A BUMP IN THE ROAD. 204 00:08:08,689 --> 00:08:09,857 - OKAY. 205 00:08:09,890 --> 00:08:11,825 - FORTUNATELY, THE LESLIE-MOBILE IS AN ALL-TERRAIN VEHICLE. 206 00:08:11,859 --> 00:08:14,094 SO EVERYTHING INVOLVING BEN IS FINE. 207 00:08:14,127 --> 00:08:15,763 I JUST NEED TO TALK TO YOU IN PRIVATE 208 00:08:15,796 --> 00:08:19,900 ABOUT SOMETHING DIFFERENT THAT IS NOT BEN RELATED. 209 00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:22,169 BEN, GOOD JOB. 210 00:08:22,202 --> 00:08:25,238 - YOUR BOY'S A NIGHTMARE. - I KNOW, BUT WE NEED HIM. 211 00:08:25,272 --> 00:08:27,675 IF THEY ASK US ABOUT THE BUDGET, HE'S OUR NUMBERS GUY. 212 00:08:27,708 --> 00:08:28,909 - WELL, WE SHOULD JUST SLAP 213 00:08:28,942 --> 00:08:30,243 A PAIR OF RAY-BANS ON A CALCULATOR, 214 00:08:30,277 --> 00:08:31,779 'CAUSE THAT WOULD BE WAY MORE CHARMING. 215 00:08:31,812 --> 00:08:33,246 - I'LL DO THE NEWSPAPER INTERVIEW. 216 00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:35,749 YOU AND BEN DO CHANNEL 4. 217 00:08:35,783 --> 00:08:38,118 PERD HAPLEY IS A BIG SOFTY. IT'LL BE A PUFF PIECE. 218 00:08:38,151 --> 00:08:39,219 HE CAN DO IT. 219 00:08:39,252 --> 00:08:41,288 - SO HOW ARE YOU LIKING PAWNEE? 220 00:08:41,321 --> 00:08:43,724 - UM, THERE ARE A LOT OF... A LOT OF CARS. 221 00:08:43,757 --> 00:08:45,893 I MEAN, NOT TOO MANY... 222 00:08:45,926 --> 00:08:47,728 TRUCKS AND STUFF. 223 00:08:47,761 --> 00:08:49,963 BUT, UH, YEAH. 224 00:08:49,997 --> 00:08:51,899 - COOL. 225 00:08:51,932 --> 00:08:54,134 GOOD TALK, ICE TOWN. - OKAY. 226 00:08:57,337 --> 00:09:00,107 - WOW. WHO KNEW THAT WATERCRESS, GARBANZO BEANS, 227 00:09:00,140 --> 00:09:01,875 AND WALNUTS COULD COMPLEMENT EACH OTHER SO WELL? 228 00:09:01,909 --> 00:09:03,911 - GOOD DRESSING TOO, RIGHT? 229 00:09:03,944 --> 00:09:05,278 FLAXSEED AND AGAVE-- 230 00:09:05,312 --> 00:09:07,915 SAME BASIC INGREDIENTS AS BIRD FEED. 231 00:09:07,948 --> 00:09:09,783 - [sighs] 232 00:09:09,817 --> 00:09:13,053 I'M JUST GONNA COME RIGHT OUT AND SAY IT. 233 00:09:13,086 --> 00:09:14,922 I WANT TO DEFINE YOUR BAGUA. 234 00:09:14,955 --> 00:09:18,692 - OKAY. WHAT'S THAT? - IT'S A FENG SHUI TERM. 235 00:09:18,726 --> 00:09:22,029 THE ENERGY IN THIS HOUSE IS A LITTLE STALE, 236 00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:24,765 BUT I THINK I COULD REDEFINE YOUR FLOW 237 00:09:24,798 --> 00:09:27,267 IN A VERY POSITIVE WAY. 238 00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:29,637 - GREAT. I'M NOT REALLY ATTACHED 239 00:09:29,670 --> 00:09:31,238 TO THE WAY THIS STUFF IS ARRANGED 240 00:09:31,271 --> 00:09:35,142 OR THE STUFF ITSELF OR THIS HOUSE EVEN, REALLY. 241 00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:36,610 - GREAT. LET'S DO IT. 242 00:09:36,644 --> 00:09:39,079 - AM I NOT BEING OBVIOUS ENOUGH? 243 00:09:39,112 --> 00:09:40,948 I FEEL LIKE I'M BEING OBVIOUS. 244 00:09:40,981 --> 00:09:42,783 - THIS JUST IN. 245 00:09:42,816 --> 00:09:45,085 HARVEST FESTIVAL? MORE LIKE HARVEST "BESTIVAL." 246 00:09:45,118 --> 00:09:46,987 THE PARKS DEPARTMENT HAS PLANTED THE SEEDS, 247 00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:49,056 AND NOW THEY'RE HARVESTING THE REWARDS. 248 00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:50,758 - GREAT, YOU DONE? 249 00:09:50,791 --> 00:09:52,660 - THEY'LL PUT THE "FUN" IN FUNNEL CAKE. 250 00:09:52,693 --> 00:09:53,761 OKAY, NOW I'M DONE. 251 00:09:53,794 --> 00:09:55,729 - TELL ME ABOUT BEN WYATT. - SURE. 252 00:09:55,763 --> 00:09:57,164 HE WORKS FOR THE STATE GOVERNMENT, 253 00:09:57,197 --> 00:09:59,232 AND HE'S BEEN COMING TO ADVISE US ABOUT OUR BUDGET. 254 00:09:59,266 --> 00:10:00,701 - OH, COME ON, LESLIE. 255 00:10:00,734 --> 00:10:02,269 THE DOUCHE BLEW THE STORY WIDE OPEN. 256 00:10:02,302 --> 00:10:04,404 BEN WYATT BANKRUPTS A TOWN AND THEN COMES TO PAWNEE 257 00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:05,906 TO TELL US HOW TO SPEND OUR MONEY? 258 00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:07,307 - THERE'S NO STORY HERE, SHAUNA. 259 00:10:07,340 --> 00:10:09,242 HE'S JUST A DEDICATED CIVIL SERVANT 260 00:10:09,276 --> 00:10:11,111 WHO'S DOING WHATEVER HE CAN TO MAKE SURE 261 00:10:11,144 --> 00:10:14,782 THAT THIS IS THE BEST HARVEST FESTIVAL EVER. 262 00:10:14,815 --> 00:10:18,051 AND HE'S EASY ON THE EYES TOO. [chuckles] 263 00:10:18,085 --> 00:10:20,788 - UM, WHAT EXACTLY IS THE NATURE OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM? 264 00:10:20,821 --> 00:10:22,690 - STRICTLY PROFESSIONAL, JUST FRIENDS. 265 00:10:22,723 --> 00:10:23,924 - SO ARE YOU COLLEAGUES, OR ARE YOU FRIENDS? 266 00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:27,995 - WE ARE COLLEAGUES WITH BENEFITS. 267 00:10:28,028 --> 00:10:31,098 WE'RE COLLEAGUES WHO BENEFIT FROM THE FACT 268 00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:32,766 THAT WE'RE ALSO FRIENDS. 269 00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:35,803 I'M SORRY, SHAUNA. I THINK I NEED TO GO. 270 00:10:35,836 --> 00:10:37,270 BUT, UM, THANK YOU SO MUCH. 271 00:10:37,304 --> 00:10:38,972 AND AS ALWAYS, EVERYTHING I SAID IS OFF THE RECORD. 272 00:10:39,006 --> 00:10:40,073 OKAY? BYE. 273 00:10:40,107 --> 00:10:42,810 - WHAT'S THE NEXT TASK? 274 00:10:42,843 --> 00:10:44,311 - OH, WE HAVE TO WRITE HER GRANDMOTHER A THANK-YOU NOTE 275 00:10:44,344 --> 00:10:45,578 FOR A BIRTHDAY CHECK. 276 00:10:45,612 --> 00:10:47,715 IT HAS TO BE REALLY GOOD, TOO, 'CAUSE IT'S FIVE MONTHS LATE. 277 00:10:47,748 --> 00:10:49,316 - NEVER WRITTEN A THANK-YOU NOTE BEFORE. 278 00:10:49,349 --> 00:10:50,684 THIS WILL BE FUN. 279 00:10:50,718 --> 00:10:52,385 WHAT DOES SHE CALL HER? 280 00:10:52,419 --> 00:10:54,454 - GAMMA. NO, NANNAW. 281 00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:56,356 OR NANNA-- GIZMO. 282 00:10:56,389 --> 00:10:58,225 SOMETHING LIKE THAT. 283 00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:03,096 THIS IS FOR YOUR GIZMO. 284 00:11:03,130 --> 00:11:05,733 I THINK YOU'LL FIND IT'S PRETTY GOOD. 285 00:11:05,766 --> 00:11:07,768 - "DEAR APRIL'S GRANDMOTHER." 286 00:11:07,801 --> 00:11:09,236 I SAID GRANDFATHER. 287 00:11:09,269 --> 00:11:11,805 - OH. OOPS. OKAY. 288 00:11:11,839 --> 00:11:13,841 - "YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL AND AMAZING WOMAN--" MAN. 289 00:11:13,874 --> 00:11:15,876 "I HOPE SOMEDAY I CAN BECOME HALF THE WOMAN YOU ARE." 290 00:11:15,909 --> 00:11:17,010 HE'S A MAN. 291 00:11:17,044 --> 00:11:18,145 "THANK YOU FOR THE $500." 292 00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:19,312 IT WAS $5. 293 00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:21,048 "ENJOY THE MOUSE RAT CD." 294 00:11:21,081 --> 00:11:24,017 HE IS DEAF. 295 00:11:24,051 --> 00:11:27,755 - OKAY, DO YOU WANT ME TO MAKE THOSE CHANGES, OR IS IT GOOD? 296 00:11:27,788 --> 00:11:29,089 - BEFORE WE DO THIS NEXT INTERVIEW, 297 00:11:29,122 --> 00:11:30,991 THERE'S A LITTLE SECRET I WANT TO LET YOU IN ON. 298 00:11:31,024 --> 00:11:33,293 IT'S CALLED THE HAVERFORD SCHMOOZE. 299 00:11:33,326 --> 00:11:34,862 - I WAS JUST CAUGHT OFF GUARD. I'M FINE. 300 00:11:34,895 --> 00:11:36,063 - THREE EASY STEPS-- 301 00:11:36,096 --> 00:11:37,765 SMILE... 302 00:11:37,798 --> 00:11:41,268 FRIENDLY PHYSICAL CONTACT, AND FLATTERY. 303 00:11:41,301 --> 00:11:44,237 HEY, PERD, IS YOUR DAD ROBOCOP? 'CAUSE YOU'RE ARMS ARE GUNS. 304 00:11:44,271 --> 00:11:46,273 - ROBOCOP DIDN'T HAVE GUNS FOR ARMS. 305 00:11:46,306 --> 00:11:48,408 - OH, MY GOD. THAT'S SO NOT THE POINT, YOU NERD. 306 00:11:48,441 --> 00:11:50,878 - I'M JUST SAYING. WHY ARE WE GOING TO A MALL? 307 00:11:50,911 --> 00:11:52,813 - I'M GETTING YOU A NEW SUIT. 308 00:11:52,846 --> 00:11:54,281 I'VE LET THIS GO ON LONG ENOUGH. 309 00:11:54,314 --> 00:11:56,449 - I LIKE THIS SUIT. - YOU SHOULDN'T... 310 00:11:56,483 --> 00:11:58,451 'CAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE GARBAGE. 311 00:11:58,485 --> 00:12:00,854 - YOUR SUIT LOOKS MORE LIKE GARBAGE. 312 00:12:00,888 --> 00:12:01,989 - OH, REALLY? - YEAH. 313 00:12:02,022 --> 00:12:04,491 - 'CAUSE BROOKS BROTHERS BOYS DOESN'T MAKE GARBAGE. 314 00:12:04,524 --> 00:12:07,828 - OKAY, THIS NEXT THING IS A PHOTOGRAPHY-CLASS ASSIGNMENT. 315 00:12:07,861 --> 00:12:08,762 CAN YOU FIGURE THAT OUT? 316 00:12:08,796 --> 00:12:11,799 - "ENCAPSULATE THE SPIRIT OF MELANCHOLY." 317 00:12:11,832 --> 00:12:13,266 - MELANCHOLY. - GIVE ME THIS. 318 00:12:13,300 --> 00:12:14,534 EASY. 319 00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:16,536 BOOM--A SAD DESK. 320 00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:19,773 BOOM--SAD WALL. 321 00:12:19,807 --> 00:12:22,275 IT'S ART. ANYTHING IS ANYTHING. 322 00:12:22,309 --> 00:12:23,877 - OH, RIGHT ON. 323 00:12:23,911 --> 00:12:25,145 UH, I'M GONNA GO DROP THIS OFF AND PICK UP THE MAIL. 324 00:12:25,178 --> 00:12:27,781 - SAD FLOOR. 325 00:12:27,815 --> 00:12:30,283 - IT DOES LOOK SAD... KIND OF. 326 00:12:30,317 --> 00:12:33,821 SORRY FOR STEPPING ON YOU, FLOOR. 327 00:12:33,854 --> 00:12:35,155 [door opens, closes 328 00:12:36,323 --> 00:12:37,825 - HEY. 329 00:12:37,858 --> 00:12:39,259 YOU GOT ANDY DOING ALL YOUR WORK FOR YOU? 330 00:12:39,292 --> 00:12:41,962 - YES. BUT HE SAID HE WANTED TO DO IT. 331 00:12:41,995 --> 00:12:43,797 I'M ONLY DOING IT BECAUSE I'M GETTING-- 332 00:12:43,831 --> 00:12:44,898 - YEAH, I DON'T CARE. 333 00:12:44,932 --> 00:12:46,466 I GOT SOMETHING TO ADD TO YOUR LIST. 334 00:12:46,499 --> 00:12:49,569 YEP. THERE WE GO. 335 00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:51,271 THAT'S THE STUFF. 336 00:12:51,304 --> 00:12:53,974 - APRIL REALLY DOES THIS EVERY DAY? 337 00:12:54,007 --> 00:12:55,976 - YES. WORK THE HEEL. 338 00:12:56,009 --> 00:12:57,310 - ANDY, CAN I BE NEXT? 339 00:12:57,344 --> 00:12:59,279 - YEAH. 340 00:12:59,312 --> 00:13:02,515 - I'VE GOT A CORN SO BIG YOU COULD SLAP BUTTER ON IT. 341 00:13:02,549 --> 00:13:05,285 - WELCOME TO YA' HEARD WITH PERD. 342 00:13:05,318 --> 00:13:06,820 I'M PERD HAPLEY. 343 00:13:06,854 --> 00:13:08,588 THE STORY OF OUR GUESTS TODAY IS THAT THEY ARE 344 00:13:08,621 --> 00:13:10,590 FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF PARKS AND RECREATION-- 345 00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:12,392 BEN WYATT AND TOM HAVERFORD. 346 00:13:12,425 --> 00:13:14,561 - WHAT UP, PERD? BIG FAN. 347 00:13:14,594 --> 00:13:17,397 - ME TOO, PERD. WHAT UP? 348 00:13:17,430 --> 00:13:19,066 - THE THING ABOUT THIS FIRST QUESTION IS-- 349 00:13:19,099 --> 00:13:21,468 I'D LIKE TO ASK YOU ABOUT THE HARVEST FESTIVAL. 350 00:13:21,501 --> 00:13:23,470 - PERD, IT'S GONNA BE AMAZING-- 351 00:13:23,503 --> 00:13:24,637 CARNIVAL RIDES, GAMES. 352 00:13:24,671 --> 00:13:28,208 SWEETUMS IS EVEN BUILDING A PLUS-SIZED ROLLER COASTER 353 00:13:28,241 --> 00:13:30,577 FOR SOME OF PAWNEE'S OBESE THRILL SEEKERS. 354 00:13:30,610 --> 00:13:32,112 YOU MUST BE THIS WIDE TO RIDE. 355 00:13:32,145 --> 00:13:34,982 - WOW. THAT'S GONNA BE A PRETTY BIG ROLLER COASTER. 356 00:13:35,015 --> 00:13:36,950 - YEP. 357 00:13:36,984 --> 00:13:38,451 - HEY, GUYS, HOW'D IT GO? 358 00:13:38,485 --> 00:13:40,453 - WELL, THERE WERE SOME STICKY MOMENTS. 359 00:13:40,487 --> 00:13:42,622 - LET'S GO TO THE VIDEOTAPE. 360 00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:44,624 - AH! LOOK... 361 00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:46,459 WHO HASN'T HAD GAY THOUGHTS? 362 00:13:46,493 --> 00:13:47,394 WHO? 363 00:13:47,427 --> 00:13:49,029 - YOU OKAY? - YEAH, I'M FINE, I'M FINE. 364 00:13:49,062 --> 00:13:50,363 I MEAN, YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE 365 00:13:50,397 --> 00:13:51,531 I MIGHT NEED GLASSES. 366 00:13:51,564 --> 00:13:54,134 IS THERE A BIRD IN HERE? 367 00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:56,603 I SWEAR I KEEP SEEING A BIRD IN THE STUDIO. 368 00:13:56,636 --> 00:13:58,138 - HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? 369 00:13:58,171 --> 00:13:59,606 - HE WAS FINE UNTIL PERD STARTED ASKING HIM 370 00:13:59,639 --> 00:14:01,208 ABOUT THE BOY-MAYOR STUFF. 371 00:14:01,241 --> 00:14:03,310 - WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? YOU LOOK PSYCHOTIC. 372 00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:05,612 - I WAS 18 WHEN I WAS ELECTED MAYOR, OKAY? 373 00:14:05,645 --> 00:14:07,981 SO EXCUSE ME FOR THAT. 374 00:14:08,015 --> 00:14:10,117 CINDY ECKERT HAD JUST TURNED ME DOWN FOR SENIOR PROM. 375 00:14:10,150 --> 00:14:11,952 DO YOU KNOW HOW THAT FEEL-- I SHOULD CALL HER. 376 00:14:11,985 --> 00:14:13,586 I SHOULD. I-- NO, I SHOULDN'T. 377 00:14:13,620 --> 00:14:16,890 AND I'M NOT GOING TO, AND I'M PROUD OF MYSELF FOR THAT. 378 00:14:16,924 --> 00:14:19,626 - AND THEN HE TALKED ABOUT FEELING UP CINDY ECKERT 379 00:14:19,659 --> 00:14:21,962 FOR THE FIRST TIME FOR ABOUT FIVE MINUTES. 380 00:14:21,995 --> 00:14:23,630 AND THEN THE SHOW ENDED... 381 00:14:23,663 --> 00:14:26,133 AS DID OUR CAREERS AND PROBABLY HARVEST FEST. 382 00:14:26,166 --> 00:14:27,901 [camera shutter clicks] 383 00:14:27,935 --> 00:14:30,570 - BOOM--SADNESS. THAT'S THE ONE. 384 00:14:34,574 --> 00:14:35,976 - NATALIE. HEY. 385 00:14:36,009 --> 00:14:37,210 IT'S ME, ANDY. 386 00:14:37,244 --> 00:14:39,312 - YOU'RE AN HOUR AND HALF LATE. 387 00:14:39,346 --> 00:14:40,380 - I KNOW. I KNOW. 388 00:14:40,413 --> 00:14:42,315 I HAD TO MASSAGE A TON OF FEET-- 389 00:14:42,349 --> 00:14:43,550 SUPER SORRY. 390 00:14:43,583 --> 00:14:46,019 COME ON, GET IN. I-I NEED TO DO EVERYTHING ON APRIL'S LIST, 391 00:14:46,053 --> 00:14:47,654 OR SHE'S NOT GONNA GO OUT WITH ME. 392 00:14:47,687 --> 00:14:49,589 - YOU'RE INTO APRIL? 393 00:14:49,622 --> 00:14:51,124 - AH. COME ON. 394 00:14:51,158 --> 00:14:52,692 WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT IN THE CAR. 395 00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:54,327 - HOLD ON. I'LL GET MY BOOKS. 396 00:14:54,361 --> 00:14:55,963 - OKAY. 397 00:14:55,996 --> 00:14:58,231 - OKAY, GREAT. CALL ME. 398 00:14:58,265 --> 00:15:00,934 THAT SHOULD BE SOME DAMAGE CONTROL. 399 00:15:00,968 --> 00:15:02,235 I'M HAVING DINNER WITH PERD HAPLEY. 400 00:15:02,269 --> 00:15:03,436 TOM, WHAT DO WE HAVE? 401 00:15:03,470 --> 00:15:05,372 - I'VE GOTTEN CALLS FROM A DOZEN BUSINESSES 402 00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:06,706 THINKING ABOUT PULLING THEIR SPONSORSHIPS. 403 00:15:06,739 --> 00:15:08,375 SWEETUMS MIGHT CANCEL THE FAT-COASTER. 404 00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:09,442 - OH, MY GOD. 405 00:15:09,476 --> 00:15:10,577 OKAY, LOOK, WE NEED TO FOCUS. 406 00:15:10,610 --> 00:15:12,980 WE STILL HAVE THE PAWNEE TODAY INTERVIEW. 407 00:15:13,013 --> 00:15:14,347 - WELL, IS IT TOO LATE TO CANCEL? 408 00:15:14,381 --> 00:15:17,384 - YEAH, YEAH, IT'S TOO LATE TO CANCEL. 409 00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:19,519 JOAN CALLAMEZZO RUNS THIS TOWN. 410 00:15:19,552 --> 00:15:20,954 BUT, BEN, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. 411 00:15:20,988 --> 00:15:22,022 YOU'RE NOT GOING IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA. 412 00:15:22,055 --> 00:15:23,690 - FINE WITH ME. 413 00:15:23,723 --> 00:15:25,692 - ARE YOU TRYING TO LURE THIS YOUNG LADY INTO YOUR VAN? 414 00:15:25,725 --> 00:15:27,527 - YEAH. 415 00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:29,662 BUT SHE'S BEING REALLY DIFFICULT ABOUT IT. 416 00:15:29,696 --> 00:15:32,032 UH, AND IT'S ACTUALLY NOT MY VAN. 417 00:15:32,065 --> 00:15:34,034 UH, I STOLE IT FROM A FRIEND OF MINE. 418 00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:35,635 I TECHNICALLY SHOULDN'T BE EVEN DRIVING, 419 00:15:35,668 --> 00:15:39,406 BECAUSE, UH, MY LICENSE IS CRAZY EXPIRED. 420 00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:40,573 [chuckles] 421 00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:42,075 - THAT'S, UH, DWYER. 422 00:15:42,109 --> 00:15:44,544 D-W-Y-E-R. 423 00:15:44,577 --> 00:15:45,678 - OH, DUDE! 424 00:15:45,712 --> 00:15:48,115 COME ON, I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE! 425 00:15:48,148 --> 00:15:50,683 NATALIE, TELL THIS GUY YOU KNOW ME. 426 00:15:50,717 --> 00:15:53,520 - [laughs] 427 00:15:53,553 --> 00:15:54,454 - JOAN! 428 00:15:54,487 --> 00:15:56,656 OH, I THOUGHT YOU WERE JENNIFER ANISTON 429 00:15:56,689 --> 00:15:58,358 FILMING A MOVIE HERE. 430 00:15:58,391 --> 00:15:59,626 [both laugh] 431 00:15:59,659 --> 00:16:01,428 JOAN, LET'S MAKE A PACT, OKAY? 432 00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:04,031 IF WE'RE BOTH STILL SINGLE IN AN HOUR, LET'S GET MARRIED. 433 00:16:04,064 --> 00:16:05,765 - TOM, I'M ALREADY MARRIED. 434 00:16:05,798 --> 00:16:07,267 - OH, THAT'S RIGHT, TO SEAL. 435 00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:09,136 OH, I CONFUSED YOU WITH HEIDI KLUM AGAIN. 436 00:16:09,169 --> 00:16:11,738 - OH! - SEE YOU LATER, JOAN. 437 00:16:11,771 --> 00:16:13,573 THAT'S HOW IT'S DONE. [Joan laughing] 438 00:16:13,606 --> 00:16:15,108 - OKAY, FIVE, FOUR... 439 00:16:15,142 --> 00:16:18,045 - HELLO, AND WELCOME TO PAWNEE TODAY. 440 00:16:18,078 --> 00:16:19,679 I'M JOAN CALLAMEZZO. 441 00:16:19,712 --> 00:16:21,714 TODAY'S GUEST IS LESLIE KNOPE, 442 00:16:21,748 --> 00:16:24,217 WHO IS HERE TO TELL US HOW THIS YEAR'S HARVEST FESTIVAL 443 00:16:24,251 --> 00:16:26,386 IS GOING TO BANKRUPT THE CITY. 444 00:16:26,419 --> 00:16:28,355 - WELL, JOAN, ACTUALLY, THERE'S A LOT 445 00:16:28,388 --> 00:16:30,357 OF FALSE INFORMATION FLYING AROUND. 446 00:16:30,390 --> 00:16:32,592 THE HARVEST FESTIVAL IS-- - JUST JUMPING RIGHT IN. 447 00:16:32,625 --> 00:16:33,793 THAT'S RUDE. 448 00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:35,528 - I JUST WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW 449 00:16:35,562 --> 00:16:37,397 WHAT AN EXTRAORDINARY EVENT THIS IS GOING TO BE. 450 00:16:37,430 --> 00:16:39,632 - BUT AT WHAT COST? 451 00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:42,535 HOW MANY CITIES DOES BEN WYATT NEED TO DESTROY 452 00:16:42,569 --> 00:16:44,471 BEFORE HE'S PUT BEHIND BARS? 453 00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:46,039 - BEN WYATT HAS DONE NOTHING WRONG. 454 00:16:46,073 --> 00:16:49,576 YOU KNOW, IF YOU WANT TO ASK HIM QUESTIONS, 455 00:16:49,609 --> 00:16:50,643 LET'S GO FOR IT, HUH? 456 00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:52,712 JUST ASK ANY QUESTION ABOUT HIS PAST OR PRESENT. 457 00:16:52,745 --> 00:16:54,514 JUST GET IT OVER WITH. BEN, LET'S GET UP HERE. 458 00:16:54,547 --> 00:16:56,416 YEAH, YEAH, COME ON. 459 00:16:56,449 --> 00:16:57,650 WE'LL JUST ASK HIM A BUNCH OF QUESTIONS, 460 00:16:57,684 --> 00:16:59,752 AND THEN WE'LL GET EVERYTHING CLEARED AND OUT OF THE WAY. 461 00:16:59,786 --> 00:17:01,054 SOUND GOOD? YEAH? 462 00:17:01,088 --> 00:17:02,189 - GREAT. - GOOD. 463 00:17:02,222 --> 00:17:03,790 UH, LET'S TAKE SOME CALLS, JOAN. 464 00:17:03,823 --> 00:17:05,158 - WHY DON'T YOU? 465 00:17:05,192 --> 00:17:06,626 - OKAY. UH, CALLER, ARE YOU THERE? 466 00:17:06,659 --> 00:17:09,729 - YEAH, HOW CAN YOU JUSTIFY RAISING TAXES 467 00:17:09,762 --> 00:17:12,332 FOR SOMETHING THAT WILL HURT THE TOWN? 468 00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:15,568 - I... 469 00:17:15,602 --> 00:17:17,704 FOR... 470 00:17:17,737 --> 00:17:20,773 - UH, JUST TO ADD TO WHAT BEN'S STAMMERING ABOUT, 471 00:17:20,807 --> 00:17:23,243 UM, WE AREN'T GOING TO RAISE TAXES, 472 00:17:23,276 --> 00:17:25,678 SO THAT'S THAT. [chuckles] 473 00:17:25,712 --> 00:17:27,046 NEXT CALLER. 474 00:17:28,415 --> 00:17:30,683 - DO YOU FISH, APRIL? 475 00:17:30,717 --> 00:17:32,652 - NO. FISH ARE GROSS. 476 00:17:32,685 --> 00:17:34,587 - LET ME GIVE YOU A PIECE OF FISHING ADVICE. 477 00:17:34,621 --> 00:17:35,755 - I SAID I DON'T-- 478 00:17:35,788 --> 00:17:36,856 - WHEN YOU HAVE A FISH ON THE LINE, 479 00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:38,425 YOU DON'T JUST DRAG IT BEHIND THE BOAT. 480 00:17:38,458 --> 00:17:41,561 YOU EITHER REEL IT IN, OR YOU CUT HIM LOOSE, 481 00:17:41,594 --> 00:17:43,663 ESPECIALLY IF HE'S A NICE FISH 482 00:17:43,696 --> 00:17:45,432 WITH A BIG, LOVABLE FISH HEART. 483 00:17:45,465 --> 00:17:47,367 - YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. 484 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:50,637 - MAYBE NOT. MAYBE YOU REALLY DO HATE ANDY. 485 00:17:50,670 --> 00:17:54,241 MAYBE MOVING TO INDIANAPOLIS JUST TO GET REVENGE ON HIM 486 00:17:54,274 --> 00:17:56,576 IS A REALLY GOOD IDEA. 487 00:17:56,609 --> 00:17:59,146 WHAT DO I KNOW? 488 00:17:59,179 --> 00:18:02,782 [cell phone rings, vibrates] 489 00:18:05,552 --> 00:18:07,620 - YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS. 490 00:18:07,654 --> 00:18:11,124 VEROSIAN TEA REALLY SUPERCHARGES THE BACTERIA IN YOUR COLON. 491 00:18:11,158 --> 00:18:13,393 PLUS, IT SMELLS INTERESTING. WAFT IT. 492 00:18:13,426 --> 00:18:15,728 - ARE WE ACTUALLY EVER GONNA DRINK IT, 493 00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:17,364 OR WE'RE JUST GONNA SNIFF IT? 494 00:18:17,397 --> 00:18:19,399 I LOVE SNIFFING. DON'T GET ME WRONG. 495 00:18:19,432 --> 00:18:22,369 - YOU ARE HILARIOUS. 496 00:18:22,402 --> 00:18:24,437 - SO YOU'RE LEAVING SOON. 497 00:18:24,471 --> 00:18:26,806 - UM, BACK TO INDIANAPOLIS BRIEFLY 498 00:18:26,839 --> 00:18:29,276 AND THEN ON TO A TOWN CALLED SNERLING, INDIANA, 499 00:18:29,309 --> 00:18:30,443 FOR SEVERAL MONTHS. 500 00:18:30,477 --> 00:18:31,644 - NEVER HEARD OF IT. 501 00:18:31,678 --> 00:18:33,180 - IT'S QUITE SMALL. 502 00:18:33,213 --> 00:18:35,182 THE COWS OUTNUMBER THE PEOPLE 40 TO 1. 503 00:18:35,215 --> 00:18:37,217 IT SOUNDS AMAZING. 504 00:18:37,250 --> 00:18:38,885 - I LIKE YOU A LOT. 505 00:18:38,918 --> 00:18:42,189 I LOVE SPENDING TIME WITH YOU. 506 00:18:42,222 --> 00:18:44,757 - AND I THOROUGHLY ENJOY YOU, ANN PERKINS. 507 00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:48,728 - I JUST THINK WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT WHAT THAT MEANS FOR US. 508 00:18:48,761 --> 00:18:50,430 I DON'T WANT TO BE CLINGY. I-- 509 00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:52,432 - PLEASE, IT IS SOMETHING THAT WE NEED TO FIGURE OUT, 510 00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:54,534 AND WE SHOULD DO THAT RIGHT NOW. 511 00:18:54,567 --> 00:18:58,705 - I'M SO HAPPY YOU SAID THAT. 512 00:18:58,738 --> 00:19:00,573 WOW, THAT'S DISGUSTING. 513 00:19:00,607 --> 00:19:03,843 - YES, IT'S VERY HARD TO DRINK. 514 00:19:05,645 --> 00:19:07,680 - YEAH, WHY SHOULD WE TRUST THIS BEN WYATT GUY? 515 00:19:07,714 --> 00:19:09,716 - BECAUSE I'M TRUSTY. 516 00:19:09,749 --> 00:19:11,718 TRUST ME. I'M TRUSTWORTHY. 517 00:19:11,751 --> 00:19:16,256 AND I AM WORKING VERY HARD TO... 518 00:19:16,289 --> 00:19:19,559 [sighs] MAKE SURE THAT THIS TOWN GETS BACK ON ITS FEET. 519 00:19:19,592 --> 00:19:20,960 - THERE WE GO. OKAY, GREAT. 520 00:19:20,993 --> 00:19:22,295 NEXT CALLER. 521 00:19:22,329 --> 00:19:23,896 - SO I LOOKED YOU UP ON ALTAVISTA, 522 00:19:23,930 --> 00:19:25,765 AND I FOUND OUT THAT THE LAST SEVEN TOWNS 523 00:19:25,798 --> 00:19:27,734 YOU'VE GONE TO ENDED UP BANKRUPT. 524 00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:29,202 - OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, 525 00:19:29,236 --> 00:19:32,439 WHY DOES EVERYONE IN THIS TOWN USE ALTAVISTA? 526 00:19:32,472 --> 00:19:34,541 IS IT 1997? 527 00:19:34,574 --> 00:19:36,776 AND SECOND, I AM A BUDGET SPECIALIST. 528 00:19:36,809 --> 00:19:39,646 I WENT TO THOSE TOWNS BECAUSE THEY WERE BANKRUPT, 529 00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:41,581 AND NOW THEY AREN'T. 530 00:19:41,614 --> 00:19:43,616 AND, YEAH, I SCREWED UP WHEN I WAS 18, 531 00:19:43,650 --> 00:19:46,753 BUT WHO DOESN'T DO DUMB STUFF WHEN THEY'RE 18? 532 00:19:46,786 --> 00:19:48,721 JOAN? - I STOLE MY... 533 00:19:48,755 --> 00:19:51,991 [clears throat] GYM TEACHER'S HUSBAND. 534 00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:54,727 - SO THERE YOU GO. 535 00:19:54,761 --> 00:19:57,797 - WELL, WHAT ELSE DO YOU GOT, CALLERS? 536 00:19:57,830 --> 00:19:58,498 GOING ONCE, GOING TWI-- 537 00:19:58,531 --> 00:20:00,933 OH, HERE WE GO. - YEAH, HI. 538 00:20:00,967 --> 00:20:02,769 UM, CAN YOU TELL ME MORE ABOUT THE CORN MAZE 539 00:20:02,802 --> 00:20:03,903 AT THE HARVEST FESTIVAL? 540 00:20:03,936 --> 00:20:05,572 ARE DOGS ALLOWED? 541 00:20:08,575 --> 00:20:10,243 - HELLO. - HELLO. 542 00:20:10,277 --> 00:20:11,744 - HOW DID IT GO TODAY? 543 00:20:11,778 --> 00:20:12,945 - IT WAS SUPER FUN. 544 00:20:12,979 --> 00:20:14,681 - IT WAS? - YEAH. 545 00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:16,883 DO YOU HAVE A LIST FOR TOMORROW? 546 00:20:16,916 --> 00:20:18,585 - [scoffs] 547 00:20:18,618 --> 00:20:20,420 YOU WANT TO DO THIS AGAIN TOMORROW? 548 00:20:20,453 --> 00:20:21,888 - YES, I DO. I MEAN, THAT'S THE DEAL, RIGHT? 549 00:20:21,921 --> 00:20:23,456 I GOT TO DO IT FOR A WHOLE MONTH 550 00:20:23,490 --> 00:20:27,260 AND THEN YOU'RE NOT GONNA MOVE TO INDIANAPOLIS-- 551 00:20:33,466 --> 00:20:35,302 - I BETTER BE THE ONLY PERSON YOU KISSED TODAY. 552 00:20:35,335 --> 00:20:37,270 - I AM... 553 00:20:37,304 --> 00:20:39,339 I'M POSITIVE THAT YOU ARE. 554 00:20:42,975 --> 00:20:44,076 - [chuckles] IF I THOUGHT YOU WERE SERIOUS, 555 00:20:44,110 --> 00:20:45,978 I'D BE OFFENDED, PERD, BUT I KNOW THAT WE'RE BUDDIES, 556 00:20:46,012 --> 00:20:46,946 AND I KNOW YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT TO ME. 557 00:20:46,979 --> 00:20:50,317 BUT, NO, THIS IS A BIRTHMARK, PERD, OKAY? 558 00:20:50,350 --> 00:20:52,285 THIS IS THE LITTLE SCAR I GOT WHEN I WAS NINE 559 00:20:52,319 --> 00:20:55,955 AND I FELL OFF MY BIKE, SO, NO, I'M NOT PERFECT! 560 00:20:55,988 --> 00:20:58,325 - I CAN'T LOOK AWAY. - IT'S A--IT'S AMAZING. 561 00:20:58,358 --> 00:20:59,959 - OKAY, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, NO. HERE'S THE BEST PART. 562 00:20:59,992 --> 00:21:03,463 - OKAY, UH, THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE HERE ON YA' HEARD. 563 00:21:03,496 --> 00:21:05,632 I'M PERD HAPLEY, CHANNEL 4. 564 00:21:05,665 --> 00:21:08,368 - [scoffs] MORE LIKE "TURD CRAPLEY." 565 00:21:08,401 --> 00:21:09,836 - YES, YES. - YEAH? 566 00:21:09,869 --> 00:21:09,936 - BRAVO. - THANK YOU VERY MUCH.