1 00:00:01,735 --> 00:00:04,238 - OKAY, EVERYBODY, TIME FOR THE HUMMINGBIRD LOTTERY. 2 00:00:04,272 --> 00:00:06,140 [all groaning] YAY, OKAY. 3 00:00:06,174 --> 00:00:07,375 YOU KNOW HOW IT WORKS. 4 00:00:07,408 --> 00:00:08,509 WRITE YOUR NAME DOWN ON A PIECE OF PAPER. 5 00:00:08,542 --> 00:00:10,378 NO, THEY DON'T WIN A HUMMINGBIRD. 6 00:00:10,411 --> 00:00:11,812 I INSTALLED HUMMINGBIRD FEEDERS 7 00:00:11,845 --> 00:00:13,381 IN ALL OF THE PARKS. 8 00:00:13,414 --> 00:00:16,584 SO THE WINNER GETS TO REFILL THOSE FEEDERS. 9 00:00:16,617 --> 00:00:20,288 SCIENTIFICALLY, HUMMINGBIRDS ARE THE WORLD'S CUTEST ANIMALS. 10 00:00:20,321 --> 00:00:23,757 I MEAN, THEY'RE SO SMALL, AND THEY HAVE TINY BEAKS. 11 00:00:23,791 --> 00:00:25,493 AND THEY ONLY EAT SUGAR WATER? 12 00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:27,361 I MEAN, WHAT BEATS THAT? 13 00:00:27,395 --> 00:00:30,764 COME ON. BABY MONKEYS IN DIAPERS? 14 00:00:30,798 --> 00:00:33,334 YEAH. THEY DO. 15 00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:35,069 BABY MONKEYS IN DIAPERS ARE THE CUTEST. 16 00:00:35,103 --> 00:00:36,370 OKAY, WHO'S IT GONNA BE? 17 00:00:36,404 --> 00:00:38,472 all: NOT ME. NOT ME. NOT ME. 18 00:00:38,506 --> 00:00:41,175 - JERRY. - YEAH! 19 00:00:41,209 --> 00:00:42,476 - YOU CAN STOP BY TOMORROW MORNING BEFORE WORK. 20 00:00:42,510 --> 00:00:44,178 - THIS IS MY THIRD TIME IN A ROW. 21 00:00:44,212 --> 00:00:45,279 - IT'S JUST A BAD LUCK STREAK, BUDDY. 22 00:00:45,313 --> 00:00:47,681 NEXT TIME, I'M SURE IT'LL DEFINITELY BE ONE OF US. 23 00:00:47,715 --> 00:00:52,553 BUT IT WON'T BE ME BECAUSE I ALWAYS WRITE... 24 00:00:52,586 --> 00:00:54,655 - [laughs] YEAH. 25 00:00:54,688 --> 00:00:56,357 - YUP. 26 00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:58,692 - NO. I ALWAYS WRITE MY OWN NAME. 27 00:00:58,726 --> 00:01:04,732 BUT JUST TO BE SAFE, I DO ADD 20 EXTRA JERRYS. 28 00:01:04,765 --> 00:01:07,868 [triumphant music] 29 00:01:07,901 --> 00:01:15,643 * 30 00:01:24,785 --> 00:01:26,287 - AND FINALLY WE ARE GOING 31 00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:28,422 TO KICK OFF THE CHILDREN'S CONCERT SERIES 32 00:01:28,456 --> 00:01:31,159 THIS WEEKEND WITH A PERFORMANCE BY FREDDY SPAGHETTI. 33 00:01:31,192 --> 00:01:33,261 - I THOUGHT FREDDY SPAGHETTI O.D.'D. 34 00:01:33,294 --> 00:01:34,495 - NO. THAT'S MR. FUNNY NOODLE. 35 00:01:34,528 --> 00:01:36,297 AND HE DIDN'T O.D. HIS DRUMMER SHOT HIM. 36 00:01:36,330 --> 00:01:38,332 - OH. - WHERE'S JERRY, BY THE WAY? 37 00:01:38,366 --> 00:01:39,800 WHY ISN'T HE BACK? HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE 38 00:01:39,833 --> 00:01:40,868 TO FILL BIRD FEEDERS? 39 00:01:40,901 --> 00:01:42,470 - MAYBE HE FELL INTO THE TOILET. 40 00:01:42,503 --> 00:01:44,138 REMEMBER WHEN HE FELL INTO THE TOILET? 41 00:01:44,172 --> 00:01:45,539 [laughter] 42 00:01:45,573 --> 00:01:46,774 - "OH, SORRY, GUYS. SORRY I'M LATE. 43 00:01:46,807 --> 00:01:48,376 "I GOT CONFUSED AND TOOK A SHOWER 44 00:01:48,409 --> 00:01:50,144 AFTER I GOT DRESSED 'CAUSE I'M JERRY." 45 00:01:50,178 --> 00:01:51,412 [laughter] 46 00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:54,282 - DAVID MEYERS, THE JEWISH GUY WHO WORKS 47 00:01:54,315 --> 00:01:56,450 AT CITY HALL, ONCE TOLD ME SOMETHING. 48 00:01:56,484 --> 00:02:00,721 A SCHLEMIEL IS THE GUY WHO SPILLS SOUP 49 00:02:00,754 --> 00:02:01,589 AT A FANCY PARTY. 50 00:02:01,622 --> 00:02:05,493 A SCHLIMAZEL IS THE GUY HE SPILLS IT ON. 51 00:02:05,526 --> 00:02:10,864 JERRY IS BOTH THE SCHLEMIEL AND THE SCHLIMAZEL OF OUR OFFICE. 52 00:02:10,898 --> 00:02:12,900 - "AND THEN I PUT MY UNDERWEAR ON MY HEAD 53 00:02:12,933 --> 00:02:14,535 INSTEAD OF MY BUTT." 54 00:02:14,568 --> 00:02:16,537 [laughter] 55 00:02:16,570 --> 00:02:18,739 - OKAY, OKAY, GUYS, THAT'S ENOUGH. 56 00:02:18,772 --> 00:02:20,408 UNLESS SOMEBODY HAS ANOTHER GOOD ONE. 57 00:02:20,441 --> 00:02:22,510 [cell phone rings] 58 00:02:22,543 --> 00:02:24,578 OH. [clears throat] 59 00:02:24,612 --> 00:02:26,480 HEY, ANN. 60 00:02:26,514 --> 00:02:28,249 OH, NO. 61 00:02:28,282 --> 00:02:30,184 JERRY, JERRY, ARE YOU OKAY? 62 00:02:30,218 --> 00:02:31,652 ANN, IS JERRY OKAY? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR ARM? 63 00:02:31,685 --> 00:02:33,254 ANN, TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG WITH JERRY'S ARM. 64 00:02:33,287 --> 00:02:35,189 JERRY, TALK TO ME. ANN, GET JERRY TO TALK TO ME. 65 00:02:35,223 --> 00:02:37,191 - OKAY. HE'S OKAY. 66 00:02:37,225 --> 00:02:39,527 HE'S GOT A COUPLE OF SCRAPES AND A DISLOCATED SHOULDER. 67 00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:43,264 - WHAT HAPPENED? - YOU GUYS ARE JUST GONNA LAUGH. 68 00:02:43,297 --> 00:02:44,465 - WHY? DID YOU THROW OUT YOUR SHOULDER 69 00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:45,966 TRYING TO SWING A HONEY POT OFF YOUR HAND? 70 00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:47,268 - I WAS MUGGED. 71 00:02:47,301 --> 00:02:48,969 - OH. - OH, MY GOD. 72 00:02:49,002 --> 00:02:50,704 OH, I'M SO SORRY, JERRY. 73 00:02:50,738 --> 00:02:52,573 - I WAS ON MY WAY TO THE HUMMINGBIRD FEEDERS, 74 00:02:52,606 --> 00:02:55,276 AND I WAS WALKING LORD SHELDON. - EW. 75 00:02:55,309 --> 00:02:57,645 IS THAT CODE FOR SOME KIND OF WEIRD SEX ACT? 76 00:02:57,678 --> 00:02:58,979 - LORD SHELDON IS MY DOG. 77 00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:00,448 MY WIFE NAMED HIM. 78 00:03:00,481 --> 00:03:01,649 - EW. 79 00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:02,916 - THESE KIDS, THEY CAME OUT OF NOWHERE. 80 00:03:02,950 --> 00:03:05,386 THEY PINNED MY ARM BACK, THEY GRABBED MY WALLET, 81 00:03:05,419 --> 00:03:06,454 AND THEY KNOCKED ME TO THE GROUND. 82 00:03:06,487 --> 00:03:07,755 - HOW DID YOU COUNTERATTACK? 83 00:03:07,788 --> 00:03:09,323 FIST TO THE THROAT? 84 00:03:09,357 --> 00:03:10,724 DID YOU HIT 'EM IN THE BEANBAG? 85 00:03:10,758 --> 00:03:13,761 THERE'S NO SHAME IN ATTACKING A CRIMINAL'S BEANBAG. 86 00:03:13,794 --> 00:03:15,596 - NO, I JUST CURLED UP AND LAID STILL TILL THEY LEFT. 87 00:03:15,629 --> 00:03:19,433 - WELL, THAT'S ANOTHER WAY TO PLAY IT. 88 00:03:19,467 --> 00:03:20,834 - DID ANY OF THEM HAVE WEIRD TATTOOS 89 00:03:20,868 --> 00:03:22,303 OR SCARS OR ANYTHING? 90 00:03:22,336 --> 00:03:23,737 IF EVEN ONE OF THEM HAD A UNIQUE SCAR, 91 00:03:23,771 --> 00:03:24,805 WE GOT 'EM. 92 00:03:24,838 --> 00:03:26,474 - I DIDN'T GET A GOOD LOOK. 93 00:03:26,507 --> 00:03:28,442 - DAMN IT, JERRY. 94 00:03:28,476 --> 00:03:29,777 SORRY. YOU'RE THE VICTIM. 95 00:03:29,810 --> 00:03:31,812 SORRY. SORRY. [sighs] 96 00:03:31,845 --> 00:03:33,981 I FEEL LIKE WE'RE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS. 97 00:03:34,014 --> 00:03:35,849 - WHY? WE DIDN'T MUG JERRY. 98 00:03:35,883 --> 00:03:38,352 - WELL, WHY WAS HE IN THE PARK IN THE FIRST PLACE? 99 00:03:38,386 --> 00:03:39,487 - 'CAUSE WE TRICKED HIM INTO GOING THERE. 100 00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:41,322 I DON'T SEE THE CONNECTION. 101 00:03:41,355 --> 00:03:42,556 - OH, NO, NO. THIS IS ON US. 102 00:03:42,590 --> 00:03:44,024 IT'S KARMA. - WOULDN'T IT BE KARMA 103 00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:45,493 IF WE WERE THE ONES THAT GOT MUGGED? 104 00:03:45,526 --> 00:03:46,560 - YEAH, THAT'S HOW PATHETIC JERRY IS. 105 00:03:46,594 --> 00:03:47,928 HE CAN'T EVEN GET KARMA RIGHT. 106 00:03:47,961 --> 00:03:49,663 [laughter] 107 00:03:49,697 --> 00:03:50,798 - NO, THAT'S NOT FUNNY. 108 00:03:53,601 --> 00:03:55,503 OUR FRIEND GOT MUGGED THIS MORNING. 109 00:03:55,536 --> 00:03:57,471 AND WE WILL NOT LET THAT HAPPEN IN VAIN. 110 00:03:57,505 --> 00:03:59,273 - HE DOESN'T HAVE A BLACK EYE. 111 00:03:59,307 --> 00:04:01,575 - WELL, FRANKLY, THE WHOLE DEPARTMENT HAS A BLACK EYE. 112 00:04:01,609 --> 00:04:03,010 THIS IS OUR WAKEUP CALL, GUYS. 113 00:04:03,043 --> 00:04:05,045 JERRY'S FACE IS THE SYMBOL OF FAILURE. 114 00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:06,347 - [snickers] 115 00:04:06,380 --> 00:04:08,616 - OUR FAILURE. TO KEEP THE PARKS SAFE. 116 00:04:08,649 --> 00:04:10,050 I HAVE SOME FOLDERS. 117 00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:11,452 INSIDE ARE SOME ASSIGNMENTS. 118 00:04:11,485 --> 00:04:13,787 AND SOME HOMEMADE TAFFY. 119 00:04:13,821 --> 00:04:16,390 all: MM. 120 00:04:16,424 --> 00:04:18,559 - APRIL, I WANT YOU TO CHECK IN WITH OUR POLICE LIAISON. 121 00:04:18,592 --> 00:04:20,361 DONNA, I NEED YOU TO GO TO RAMSETT PARK. 122 00:04:20,394 --> 00:04:21,295 TOM, YOU'RE WITH ME. 123 00:04:21,329 --> 00:04:23,431 - SO WHEN YOU SAY YOU WANT ME TO CHECK IN 124 00:04:23,464 --> 00:04:26,567 WITH THE POLICE LIAISON, YOU MEAN HOOK UP WITH HIM, RIGHT? 125 00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:29,603 - NO. JUST CHECK IN WITH HIM. 126 00:04:29,637 --> 00:04:31,672 EVERYBODY DISMISSED. - WAIT. I WANT TO HELP. 127 00:04:31,705 --> 00:04:33,407 - WHAT? - I'M GONNA TEACH EVERYBODY 128 00:04:33,441 --> 00:04:36,477 SELF-DEFENSE, SO YOU CAN DEFEND YOURSELVES. 129 00:04:36,510 --> 00:04:38,946 - WE NEED IT 'CAUSE WE CERTAINLY ARE A BUNCH OF WEAKLINGS. 130 00:04:38,979 --> 00:04:40,414 ESPECIALLY TOM. 131 00:04:40,448 --> 00:04:41,882 - I AM NOT A WEAKLING. 132 00:04:41,915 --> 00:04:45,319 - ARM-WRESTLE ME RIGHT NOW. - OKAY. 133 00:04:45,353 --> 00:04:48,856 I THINK I'M MORE THAN HOLDING MY OWN HERE. 134 00:04:48,889 --> 00:04:54,462 - THREE, FOUR, FIVE... - HEY. 135 00:04:54,495 --> 00:04:55,863 - SIX. 136 00:04:55,896 --> 00:04:58,031 HEY. HOW YOU DOING? - NOT TOO BAD. 137 00:04:58,065 --> 00:05:00,734 I WAS JUST DROPPING OFF JERRY FROM THE HOSPITAL. 138 00:05:00,768 --> 00:05:01,869 HE WAS MUGGED IN THE PARK. 139 00:05:01,902 --> 00:05:03,771 - NO. JERRY? 140 00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:05,773 UH, THE BLACK GUY WITH THE LOONEY TUNES TIES? 141 00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:06,974 I LOVE HIM. 142 00:05:07,007 --> 00:05:08,876 - NO, JERRY WHO WORKS WITH LESLIE. 143 00:05:08,909 --> 00:05:10,944 - [laughs] THAT JERRY? 144 00:05:10,978 --> 00:05:12,713 - YEAH. - HE GOT MUGGED? 145 00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:14,948 [laughs] OH, OH, WOW. 146 00:05:14,982 --> 00:05:16,584 I MEAN, THAT'S KIND OF A BUMMER TOO. 147 00:05:16,617 --> 00:05:20,554 HEY, WHILE I HAVE YOU HERE, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS? 148 00:05:20,588 --> 00:05:22,623 - UH... - SCROTATION MARKS. 149 00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:24,558 - I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, 150 00:05:24,592 --> 00:05:25,693 BUT MY GUT SAYS NO. 151 00:05:25,726 --> 00:05:27,094 - NEW BAND NAME. 152 00:05:27,127 --> 00:05:29,863 'CAUSE, MOUSE RAT, IT'S A GREAT NAME, 153 00:05:29,897 --> 00:05:32,633 BUT, AT THE SAME TIME, IT SUCKS. 154 00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:34,435 SO I THINK WE HAVE TO CHANGE IT JUST ONE MORE TIME. 155 00:05:34,468 --> 00:05:36,804 - DUDE, YOU'VE GOT TO STOP DOING THAT. 156 00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:38,572 HOW ARE PEOPLE GONNA BECOME FANS 157 00:05:38,606 --> 00:05:39,773 IF THEY LITERALLY DON'T KNOW THE NAME OF THE BAND 158 00:05:39,807 --> 00:05:41,475 THEY'RE LISTENING TO? 159 00:05:41,509 --> 00:05:42,710 - THAT IS A REALLY GOOD POINT. 160 00:05:42,743 --> 00:05:45,813 - I ALWAYS HAD FUN WITH ANDY. 161 00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:47,481 THE PROBLEM IS, WHEN YOU'RE HIS GIRLFRIEND, 162 00:05:47,515 --> 00:05:50,418 YOU'RE ALSO HIS MOTHER AND HIS MAID 163 00:05:50,451 --> 00:05:51,885 AND HIS NURSE. 164 00:05:51,919 --> 00:05:53,120 HE'S COMPLETELY HELPLESS. 165 00:05:53,153 --> 00:05:55,889 HE'S LIKE A BABY IN A STRAIGHTJACKET. 166 00:05:55,923 --> 00:05:58,792 OOH, BABY IN A STRAIGHTJACKET. THAT'S A GOOD BAND NAME. 167 00:05:58,826 --> 00:06:00,961 I SHOULD TELL HIM THAT. 168 00:06:00,994 --> 00:06:02,496 - HA HA, GUYS, REALLY FUNNY. 169 00:06:02,530 --> 00:06:03,664 WHERE'S THE REAL BANNER? 170 00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:04,798 - WE ONLY HAD AN HOUR. 171 00:06:04,832 --> 00:06:06,033 - SO DID I. 172 00:06:06,066 --> 00:06:07,501 LOOK WHAT I DID. 173 00:06:07,535 --> 00:06:09,703 - HEY, GUYS. - JERRY! 174 00:06:09,737 --> 00:06:11,972 - WELCOME BACK. all: HI. 175 00:06:12,005 --> 00:06:13,507 - WOW. REALLY. MY GOSH. 176 00:06:13,541 --> 00:06:14,942 YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE GONE TO ALL THIS TROUBLE. 177 00:06:14,975 --> 00:06:17,110 - OH, IT'S NO TROUBLE FOR OUR BUDDY. 178 00:06:17,144 --> 00:06:19,112 HERE YOU GO. - OH. THANK YOU. 179 00:06:19,146 --> 00:06:20,414 - LISTEN. TODAY IS JERRY DAY. 180 00:06:20,448 --> 00:06:21,415 WE'LL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO. 181 00:06:21,449 --> 00:06:22,516 ANYTHING AT ALL. 182 00:06:22,550 --> 00:06:23,817 - HONESTLY, WHAT I WOULD LIKE TO DO 183 00:06:23,851 --> 00:06:26,019 IS JUST HAVE EVERYTHING GO BACK TO NORMAL. 184 00:06:26,053 --> 00:06:27,688 - THAT SOUNDS GOOD TO ME. - OKAY? 185 00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:29,723 - I BELIEVE YOU WERE GOING TO DO A PRESENTATION? 186 00:06:29,757 --> 00:06:31,525 - YES, SIR, I WAS. I WILL GO SET UP. 187 00:06:31,559 --> 00:06:33,894 - OKAY. 188 00:06:33,927 --> 00:06:34,962 REMEMBER, YOU GUYS, 189 00:06:34,995 --> 00:06:36,664 NO JOKES, NO COMMENTS, 190 00:06:36,697 --> 00:06:38,499 NOTHING BUT SUPPORT. 191 00:06:38,532 --> 00:06:41,502 - HE NEEDS A LOT OF SUPPORT. - TOM. 192 00:06:41,535 --> 00:06:42,903 - I'M TALKING ABOUT A BRA FOR A MAN. 193 00:06:42,936 --> 00:06:44,672 [laughter] 194 00:06:44,705 --> 00:06:47,107 - OKAY, SERIOUSLY, THAT WAS THE LAST ONE. 195 00:06:47,140 --> 00:06:51,579 - SO AS WE KNOW, SPRING HUNTING SEASON IS UPON US. 196 00:06:51,612 --> 00:06:57,117 UH, ANYWAY, HERE'S THE INFO ABOUT THE NEW LICENSING SYSTEM. 197 00:06:57,150 --> 00:06:59,887 UH... - JERRY, I DON'T THINK 198 00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:01,455 YOUR COMPUTER'S PLUGGED IN. 199 00:07:01,489 --> 00:07:04,024 - I'M SORRY, GUYS. JUST GOTTA POWER UP. 200 00:07:04,057 --> 00:07:06,660 FIRST THING WE SHOULD HAVE IS MY GRAPH 201 00:07:06,694 --> 00:07:08,496 ABOUT THE SEASON. WHAT? 202 00:07:08,529 --> 00:07:09,597 WAIT A MINUTE. NO. 203 00:07:09,630 --> 00:07:11,599 THAT IS NOT THE GRAPH. 204 00:07:11,632 --> 00:07:13,601 THAT IS A PICTURE FROM MY VACATION IN MUNCIE. 205 00:07:13,634 --> 00:07:14,702 - YOU WENT ON A VACATION, 206 00:07:14,735 --> 00:07:16,570 AND YOU CHOSE MUNCIE, INDIANA? 207 00:07:16,604 --> 00:07:18,606 - YEAH. MY WIFE AND I HAVE A TIMESHARE. 208 00:07:18,639 --> 00:07:20,774 - IN MUNCIE? - TOM. 209 00:07:20,808 --> 00:07:23,544 MUNCIE IS A LOVELY CITY. 210 00:07:23,577 --> 00:07:26,547 - ANYWAY, HUNTING AND FISHING SEASON IS WINDING DOWN. 211 00:07:26,580 --> 00:07:29,617 OKAY, AND WE ALL KNOW THAT IT IS ALREADY CLOSED SEASON ON TWOUT. 212 00:07:29,650 --> 00:07:32,753 SO NOW-- I SAID TWOUT 213 00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:34,254 INSTEAD OF TROUT. 214 00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:35,756 - IT HAPPENS TO EVERYONE. 215 00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:37,891 - MY MARBLES ARE FULL OF MOUTH TODAY. 216 00:07:37,925 --> 00:07:41,228 YOU KNOW WHAT, HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY GLASSES? 217 00:07:41,261 --> 00:07:42,863 I DON'T EVEN THINK I CAN... 218 00:07:42,896 --> 00:07:44,498 [flatulence] 219 00:07:51,739 --> 00:07:53,240 - IT SAYS HERE 1:00 MEETING. 220 00:07:53,273 --> 00:07:55,075 WHO ARE WE MEETING WITH? - DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. 221 00:07:55,108 --> 00:07:56,209 - OH, NO, PLEASE NO. 222 00:07:56,243 --> 00:07:58,646 - TOM, IT'S IMPORTANT TO MEET WITH THE PARK RANGERS. 223 00:07:58,679 --> 00:08:00,714 THEY ARE THE FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE. 224 00:08:00,748 --> 00:08:04,151 - [sighs] - [loud voice] LESLIE KNOPE! 225 00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:06,854 - HEY, CARL. - WHAT'S UP, PENCIL PUSHERS? 226 00:08:06,887 --> 00:08:08,589 HAVERFORD. GOOD TO SEE YOU, MAN. 227 00:08:08,622 --> 00:08:09,790 [laughs] 228 00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:11,992 IS IT HOT IN HERE? I FEEL HOT. 229 00:08:12,025 --> 00:08:14,194 ARE YOU GUYS HOT? HOW YOU GUYS DOING? I'M GOOD. 230 00:08:14,227 --> 00:08:15,763 YOU GUYS GOT ANY SNACKS? 231 00:08:15,796 --> 00:08:18,832 - CARL IS THE HEAD OF ALL OUTDOOR SECURITY. 232 00:08:18,866 --> 00:08:21,735 WHY WAS HE TRANSFERRED FROM HIS INDOOR DESK JOB, YOU ASK. 233 00:08:21,769 --> 00:08:22,970 LISTEN. - IT'S SO SWEET. 234 00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:25,172 HEY, LESLIE, HAVE YOU SEEN AVATAR? 235 00:08:25,205 --> 00:08:27,174 I NEVER SAW AVATAR. 236 00:08:27,207 --> 00:08:28,441 I WANTED TO READ THE BOOK FIRST, 237 00:08:28,475 --> 00:08:32,312 BUT THEN I REALIZED THERE'S NO BOOK VERSION OF AVATAR. 238 00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:34,615 WHAT'D YOU GUYS DO FOR ST. PATTY'S DAY? 239 00:08:34,648 --> 00:08:37,317 I WAS WEARING THIS T-SHIRT THAT SAID, "KISS ME. I'M IRISH." 240 00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:38,986 BUT NO ONE WOULD KISS ME. 241 00:08:42,322 --> 00:08:44,658 - SO YOU'RE TOO IMPORTANT FOR ME 242 00:08:44,692 --> 00:08:46,293 UNTIL ONE OF YOUR OWN GETS ATTACKED. 243 00:08:46,326 --> 00:08:49,563 - I JUST FEEL LIKE THERE'S MORE WE CAN DO 244 00:08:49,597 --> 00:08:50,998 TO KEEP THE PARKS SAFE. 245 00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:53,601 - OH, YOU THINK YOU KNOW HOW TO DO MY JOB? 246 00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:54,602 WELL, YOU MIGHT NOT BE SO CONFIDENT 247 00:08:54,635 --> 00:08:58,071 ONCE YOU'VE WALKED A MILE IN MY SIZE SEVENS. 248 00:08:58,105 --> 00:08:59,339 - KIND OF SMALL FEET. 249 00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:01,842 - ACTUALLY, SEVEN IS THE WORLDWIDE AVERAGE. 250 00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:04,111 - BOOM! - HUP! 251 00:09:05,646 --> 00:09:07,781 WELCOME TO THE EMERGENCY SELF-DEFENSE CLASS. 252 00:09:07,815 --> 00:09:09,883 I'LL BE SHOWING YOU HOW TO ESCAPE FROM A VARIETY 253 00:09:09,917 --> 00:09:11,351 OF SITUATIONS 254 00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:13,587 WHILE INFLICTING MAXIMUM DAMAGE 255 00:09:13,621 --> 00:09:14,655 ON YOUR ATTACKERS. 256 00:09:14,688 --> 00:09:16,590 - RON, DO YOU THINK THAT MAYBE I SHOULD PUT MARK 257 00:09:16,624 --> 00:09:17,691 IN A HEADLOCK? 258 00:09:17,725 --> 00:09:20,694 THAT WAY I CAN SHOW EVERYONE HOW TO ESCAPE A PERVERT. 259 00:09:20,728 --> 00:09:23,631 - IN THE SCENARIO YOU JUST LAID OUT, 260 00:09:23,664 --> 00:09:24,364 YOU'RE THE PERVERT. 261 00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:25,666 YOU UNDERSTAND THAT, RIGHT? 262 00:09:25,699 --> 00:09:27,935 - [scoffs] YOU WISH. - ENOUGH. 263 00:09:27,968 --> 00:09:29,136 I'M GONNA START OFF SIMPLE 264 00:09:29,169 --> 00:09:34,174 AND DEMONSTRATE HOW TO EXTRACT ONESELF FROM A WRIST GRAB. 265 00:09:34,207 --> 00:09:36,877 ANDY, ANN, STEP UP HERE. 266 00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:39,012 - I WATCH A LOT OF LIFETIME MOVIES. 267 00:09:39,046 --> 00:09:41,715 THERE WAS THIS ONE, HOW FAR IS TOO FAR ENOUGH: 268 00:09:41,749 --> 00:09:43,684 THE TERI PALLIBER LONERGAN STORY. 269 00:09:43,717 --> 00:09:45,085 THIS WOMAN HAD AGORAPHOBIA, 270 00:09:45,118 --> 00:09:46,654 AND HER THERAPIST WAS OBSESSED WITH HER. 271 00:09:46,687 --> 00:09:49,056 AND HE HID IN HER HOUSE, AND THEN HE ATTACKED HER 272 00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:50,758 AND TRIED TO EAT HER TOES. 273 00:09:50,791 --> 00:09:53,360 ALSO, HER DAUGHTER WAS HAVING SEX WAY TOO YOUNG. 274 00:09:53,393 --> 00:09:58,866 SO YEAH, FREE SELF-DEFENSE CLASS, I'M THERE. 275 00:09:58,899 --> 00:10:00,668 - AND JUST TWIST YOUR WEIGHT. - [yells] 276 00:10:00,701 --> 00:10:01,869 OH. - VERY GOOD. 277 00:10:01,902 --> 00:10:03,036 VERY GOOD. WELL DONE. 278 00:10:03,070 --> 00:10:05,405 - OH, WHAT'S UP NOW, MUGGER? 279 00:10:05,438 --> 00:10:07,074 - ANN, THAT WAS AWESOME. THAT WAS REALLY GOOD. 280 00:10:09,142 --> 00:10:10,310 - I DON'T KNOW, LESLIE. 281 00:10:10,343 --> 00:10:12,179 I'D RATHER BE BACK AT THE OFFICE. 282 00:10:12,212 --> 00:10:14,214 - I KNOW THIS IS PAINFUL FOR YOU, JERRY, 283 00:10:14,247 --> 00:10:17,150 BUT YOU HAVE TO BE STRONG. 284 00:10:17,184 --> 00:10:19,787 - YOU GUYS READY? 285 00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:22,122 - OH, BOY, YEAH. OKAY, WE'RE READY. 286 00:10:22,155 --> 00:10:23,390 - I'M GONNA SHOW YOU GUYS 287 00:10:23,423 --> 00:10:25,358 ALL THE PROBLEMS WE'VE BEEN FACING. 288 00:10:25,392 --> 00:10:27,895 I'M GONNA SHOW YOU WE'VE BEEN DOING EVERYTHING WE CAN. 289 00:10:27,928 --> 00:10:29,897 - I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO WORKING TOGETHER, CARL. 290 00:10:29,930 --> 00:10:32,432 - AND AFTER THAT, I'M GONNA SHOW YOU THIS LOG I FOUND. 291 00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:35,736 IT'S GOT, LIKE, 50 WORMS ON IT. 292 00:10:35,769 --> 00:10:39,072 I CALL IT WORM LOG. 293 00:10:39,106 --> 00:10:41,308 YEAH, I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A BIT OF AN OUTDOORSMAN. 294 00:10:41,341 --> 00:10:43,443 UH, WHEN I WAS A KID, MY PARENTS USED TO MAKE ME HANG OUT 295 00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:45,412 IN THE BACKYARD A LOT AND JUST RUN AROUND 296 00:10:45,445 --> 00:10:47,414 TILL I GOT TIRED. 297 00:10:47,447 --> 00:10:49,282 BUT IF THERE'S ANY CRIMINALS OUT THERE WATCHING, 298 00:10:49,316 --> 00:10:52,119 I NEVER GET TIRED. 299 00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:54,321 AND LADIES TOO. 300 00:10:56,456 --> 00:10:57,858 - THIS THING IS A MESS. 301 00:10:57,891 --> 00:10:59,793 - WE USED TO HAVE THREE CARTS ACTUALLY. 302 00:10:59,827 --> 00:11:02,763 THE FIRST ONE GOT PUSHED INTO THE CREEK BY SOME KIDS. 303 00:11:02,796 --> 00:11:05,165 THE SECOND ONE RACCOONS GOT ONTO. 304 00:11:05,198 --> 00:11:06,767 THERE WAS URINE EVERYWHERE. 305 00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:08,936 AND THE THIRD ONE WAS RECENTLY STOLEN. 306 00:11:08,969 --> 00:11:10,270 - WHAT'S THIS ONE? 307 00:11:10,303 --> 00:11:13,974 - THIS IS THE SECOND ONE. THE RACCOON PISS ONE. 308 00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:16,844 ALL RIGHT, SO WE'RE GONNA JUST HEAD OUT. 309 00:11:16,877 --> 00:11:19,146 [screeching] 310 00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:20,781 OH, NO. 311 00:11:20,814 --> 00:11:22,716 YOU KNOW WHAT, I THINK WE GOT TOO MUCH WEIGHT. 312 00:11:24,251 --> 00:11:26,119 - OH. THAT'S TOM PROBABLY. 313 00:11:26,153 --> 00:11:28,188 - ARE YOU SERIOUS? 314 00:11:28,221 --> 00:11:29,422 - TOM, CAN YOU GET OFF PLEASE? 315 00:11:29,456 --> 00:11:32,092 JUST RUN ALONGSIDE THE CART, OKAY? 316 00:11:32,125 --> 00:11:33,260 - OKAY, HERE WE GO. 317 00:11:33,293 --> 00:11:34,762 - WHOA. 318 00:11:34,795 --> 00:11:37,397 - SO LET ME TELL YOU A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THE PARK. 319 00:11:37,430 --> 00:11:38,799 UP HERE ON THE LEFT 320 00:11:38,832 --> 00:11:41,434 IS ONE OF OUR MOST BEAUTIFUL GRASS FIELDS. 321 00:11:41,468 --> 00:11:44,371 UH, IT'S PRIMARILY GRASS. 322 00:11:44,404 --> 00:11:46,006 ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA MAKE A HARD LEFT HERE. 323 00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:48,175 STICK WITH US, TOM. 324 00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:50,944 - OKAY. LESSON LEARNED. 325 00:11:50,978 --> 00:11:52,045 [applause] THANK YOU. 326 00:11:52,079 --> 00:11:56,884 NEXT, ANDY. IMPRESSIVE. 327 00:11:56,917 --> 00:11:59,452 I'M GOING TO ENGAGE ANDY IN AN ATTACK HOLD, 328 00:11:59,486 --> 00:12:00,353 AND HE'S GONNA TRY AND BREAK FREE. 329 00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:01,922 - COOL. 330 00:12:01,955 --> 00:12:03,356 NOW I DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU, RON. 331 00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:05,893 - DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT. JUST TRY TO ESCAPE MY ATTACK. 332 00:12:05,926 --> 00:12:09,863 - NOW WHEN I GET OUT, AM I ALLOWED TO COUNTERSTRIKE? 333 00:12:09,897 --> 00:12:12,866 - SURE. WHEN YOU GET OUT, 334 00:12:12,900 --> 00:12:14,201 YOU MAY COUNTERATTACK. 335 00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:16,469 - BUT JUST PROMISE ME YOU'LL BE READY 336 00:12:16,503 --> 00:12:20,307 BECAUSE, I MEAN, I DON'T WANT TO DESTROY YOU. 337 00:12:20,340 --> 00:12:21,942 OKAY. 338 00:12:21,975 --> 00:12:26,079 I SEE WHERE WE'RE GOING WITH THIS. 339 00:12:26,113 --> 00:12:27,514 - NOW WHEN YOUR ARMS ARE PINNED TO YOUR SIDES, 340 00:12:27,547 --> 00:12:29,316 USE YOUR LEGS TO BREAK FREE 341 00:12:29,349 --> 00:12:31,985 INSTEAD OF YOUR NECK, WHICH IS WHAT ANDY'S TRYING TO DO. 342 00:12:34,421 --> 00:12:36,423 - OKAY, HOLD ON. [shouts] 343 00:12:36,456 --> 00:12:37,791 - LET HIM GO. 344 00:12:42,195 --> 00:12:44,932 - ANDY. 345 00:12:44,965 --> 00:12:47,234 - OH, GOD. - OOPS. 346 00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:49,136 - ANY OF THIS LOOKING FAMILIAR? 347 00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:52,272 - YEAH, IT HAPPENED RIGHT OVER THERE. 348 00:12:52,305 --> 00:12:54,274 - OH, YEAH, I'M NOT SURPRISED. 349 00:12:54,307 --> 00:12:56,409 TAKE A LOOK AT THIS PATH. 350 00:12:56,443 --> 00:12:59,412 WITH BUDGET CUTS, WE CAN'T AFFORD A SINGLE SAFETY LIGHT. 351 00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:01,915 THERE'S BEEN TEN ASSAULTS ALREADY THIS YEAR. 352 00:13:01,949 --> 00:13:04,484 - WOW. REALLY? CAN'T YOU STATION A PARK RANGER 353 00:13:04,517 --> 00:13:05,552 OUT HERE? - WE HAVE. 354 00:13:05,585 --> 00:13:07,420 [shouting] WHO DO YOU THINK THEY'RE ASSAULTING? 355 00:13:07,454 --> 00:13:09,589 I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN TO YELL. 356 00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:11,124 - ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, 357 00:13:11,158 --> 00:13:13,326 I'M GONNA GET MONEY SO YOU CAN PROTECT JERRY 358 00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:16,263 AND ALL THE OTHER HELPLESS, PATHETIC PEOPLE IN THIS TOWN. 359 00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:18,331 - [breathing heavily] 360 00:13:18,365 --> 00:13:20,934 YOU GUYS GOT TO SLOW DOWN. 361 00:13:20,968 --> 00:13:22,069 CAN I JUST TAKE A REST FOR A MINUTE? 362 00:13:22,102 --> 00:13:23,436 - NO, TOM. SORRY. NO CAN DO. 363 00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:25,305 SUN'S GOING DOWN. IT'S REAL DANGEROUS OUT HERE. 364 00:13:25,338 --> 00:13:29,242 LET'S ROLL, CARL. - OKAY, GOING FAST. 365 00:13:29,276 --> 00:13:31,311 - [grumbles] 366 00:13:31,344 --> 00:13:32,946 - OKAY, WHAT DAY IS IT TODAY? 367 00:13:32,980 --> 00:13:34,447 - I DON'T KNOW. 368 00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:36,583 - OKAY, BUT TO BE FAIR, YOU NEVER KNOW. 369 00:13:36,616 --> 00:13:37,885 - THAT'S KIND OF TRUE. 370 00:13:37,918 --> 00:13:41,421 I'M SUPER BAD AT DAYS. 371 00:13:41,454 --> 00:13:43,290 BUT HONESTLY I'M FINE. 372 00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:46,193 - SORRY I SQUEEZED YOUR LIGHTS OUT THERE, SON. 373 00:13:46,226 --> 00:13:49,296 - NO WORRIES. WILL YOU SHOW ME HOW TO DO THAT MOVE, THOUGH? 374 00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:50,363 - SURE. I CAN TEACH YOU RIGHT NOW. 375 00:13:50,397 --> 00:13:51,464 - NO, NO, NO. 376 00:13:51,498 --> 00:13:53,333 ANDY, YOU SHOULD REALLY JUST TAKE IT EASY, I THINK. 377 00:13:53,366 --> 00:13:55,903 DO YOU WANT SOME MORE WATER OR MAYBE SOME PANCAKES? 378 00:13:55,936 --> 00:13:58,071 - NO, NO, NO. I'M FINE. 379 00:13:58,105 --> 00:13:59,272 THANK YOU THOUGH. 380 00:13:59,306 --> 00:14:00,974 - WHAT'S THE FIRST MOVE IN ANY FIGHT? 381 00:14:01,008 --> 00:14:02,509 - PUNCH TO THE BALLS. 382 00:14:02,542 --> 00:14:05,445 - WE'VE ALL HEARD THE OLD SAYING, 383 00:14:05,478 --> 00:14:07,447 "PARKS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FUN," 384 00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:10,050 BUT SOMETIMES MUGGERS HAVE THEIR OWN IDEAS. 385 00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:12,385 LESLIE KNOPE IS WITH US AGAIN 386 00:14:12,419 --> 00:14:15,022 FROM THE PARKS DEPARTMENT. LESLIE. 387 00:14:15,055 --> 00:14:17,057 TELL US YOUR STORY. 388 00:14:17,090 --> 00:14:19,259 - THIS IS MY COWORKER JERRY GERGICH, 389 00:14:19,292 --> 00:14:22,996 DIABETIC, SLOPPILY OUT OF SHAPE, 390 00:14:23,030 --> 00:14:24,364 FRIEND. 391 00:14:24,397 --> 00:14:27,567 HE WAS MUGGED THIS MORNING IN RAMSETT PARK. 392 00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:31,071 WHO'S NEXT? YOUR FRUMPY UNCLE? 393 00:14:31,104 --> 00:14:32,906 YOUR SIMPLE NEIGHBOR? 394 00:14:32,940 --> 00:14:35,642 YOUR UNPOPULAR COWORKER? 395 00:14:35,675 --> 00:14:38,645 HEAD OF SECURITY CARL LORTHNER IS DOING HIS BEST 396 00:14:38,678 --> 00:14:40,580 TO KEEP THE PARKS SAFE, BUT HE'S FAILING. 397 00:14:40,613 --> 00:14:43,283 - SO WHAT IS THE SOLUTION TO FIX THIS? 398 00:14:43,316 --> 00:14:47,420 TO MAKE IT RIGHT AND NOT BAD? 399 00:14:47,454 --> 00:14:50,323 - WE NEED MONEY FROM CITY HALL, 400 00:14:50,357 --> 00:14:51,458 AND IT'S NOT COMING THROUGH. 401 00:14:51,491 --> 00:14:54,494 AND, PAWNEE, I AM SORRY TO SAY THIS 402 00:14:54,527 --> 00:14:56,363 BUT YOUR GOVERNMENT IS FAILING YOU. 403 00:14:56,396 --> 00:15:00,567 - UP NEXT, TEN OBJECTS YOU DIDN'T KNOW YOU CAN EAT. 404 00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:04,237 - WHAT POSSESSED YOU TO DO THAT? 405 00:15:04,271 --> 00:15:05,172 - I'M SORRY, PAUL, 406 00:15:05,205 --> 00:15:07,307 BUT ONE OF MY GUYS GOT MUGGED IN THE PARK. 407 00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:09,709 - I DON'T CARE HOW UPSET YOU ARE, 408 00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:13,080 YOU DO NOT BADMOUTH YOUR OWN GOVERNMENT ON TV. 409 00:15:13,113 --> 00:15:15,648 I'M SURE YOU'LL BE HAPPY TO KNOW 410 00:15:15,682 --> 00:15:17,150 YOUR LITTLE STUNT WORKED. 411 00:15:17,184 --> 00:15:19,719 THE MAYOR'S GOING TO DIVERT $2,500 412 00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:22,655 TO THE PARKS FOR SECURITY UPGRADES. 413 00:15:22,689 --> 00:15:24,557 THERE'S GOING TO BE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TOMORROW 414 00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:27,560 AT 10:00 IN THE PRESS ROOM, SO MAKE SURE 415 00:15:27,594 --> 00:15:30,097 YOU BRING THE DOOFUS THAT GOT HIS ASS KICKED. 416 00:15:30,130 --> 00:15:31,531 - I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU'RE REFERRING TO. 417 00:15:31,564 --> 00:15:33,166 WE TREAT EVERYONE WITH RESPECT AROUND HERE. 418 00:15:34,167 --> 00:15:36,436 [softly] OKAY. 419 00:15:36,469 --> 00:15:38,438 - [clears throat] GOOD MORNING. 420 00:15:38,471 --> 00:15:39,572 AS MANY OF YOU KNOW, 421 00:15:39,606 --> 00:15:44,177 THERE WAS AN INCIDENT INVOLVING A GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE 422 00:15:44,211 --> 00:15:45,979 IN RAMSETT PARK. 423 00:15:46,013 --> 00:15:46,846 - JERRY, ARE YOU NERVOUS? 424 00:15:46,879 --> 00:15:49,416 JUST TALK ABOUT HOW HARD IT WAS FOR YOU. 425 00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:51,551 SPEAK FROM THE HEART. YOU'LL BE FINE. 426 00:15:51,584 --> 00:15:55,355 - LESLIE, I WASN'T MUGGED. 427 00:15:55,388 --> 00:15:56,756 - ...SAFETY OF OUR CITIZENS. 428 00:15:56,789 --> 00:15:58,191 THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE TODAY, TO GIVE PAWNEE... 429 00:16:01,094 --> 00:16:02,329 - JERRY, WHY DON'T YOU STEP ON UP HERE? 430 00:16:02,362 --> 00:16:06,399 - NO, NO, I WILL GET UP HERE. 431 00:16:06,433 --> 00:16:08,401 I'M GONNA SPEAK FOR JERRY. 432 00:16:08,435 --> 00:16:12,772 HE CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW BECAUSE HE HAS HYSTERICAL MUTENESS. 433 00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:14,507 FROM TRAUMA. - CORRECT. 434 00:16:14,541 --> 00:16:17,010 - JERRY. 435 00:16:17,044 --> 00:16:18,711 WHAT ABOUT THIS? IS THIS FAKE? 436 00:16:18,745 --> 00:16:20,213 HUH? IS THIS FAKE? - THIS IS REAL. 437 00:16:20,247 --> 00:16:22,115 I REALLY DISLOCATED MY SHOULDER. 438 00:16:22,149 --> 00:16:23,750 - WERE YOU EVEN IN THE PARK YESTERDAY? 439 00:16:23,783 --> 00:16:26,286 - LOOK, I WAS ON MY WAY TO FEED THE HUMMINGBIRDS, 440 00:16:26,319 --> 00:16:29,056 AND I STOPPED FOR A BREAKFAST BURRITO. 441 00:16:29,089 --> 00:16:30,457 - THE FARTING. - YEAH. 442 00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:32,592 AND, LORD SHELDON, HE LUNGED AT A BIRD, 443 00:16:32,625 --> 00:16:36,196 I DROPPED THE BURRITO, AND IT LANDS ON A LOG IN THE CREEK. 444 00:16:36,229 --> 00:16:37,364 SO I GO TO REACH FOR IT, I LOSE MY BALANCE, 445 00:16:37,397 --> 00:16:39,232 AND I FALL ON MY SHOULDER REALLY WEIRD. 446 00:16:39,266 --> 00:16:41,301 - WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TELL EVERYBODY THE TRUTH? 447 00:16:41,334 --> 00:16:42,402 - ARE YOU KIDDING ME? 448 00:16:42,435 --> 00:16:45,805 IMAGINE WHAT TOM WOULD HAVE SAID. 449 00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:48,775 - [as Tom] DAMN, JERRY, YOU JUMPED IN A CREEK FOR A BURRITO? 450 00:16:48,808 --> 00:16:50,343 WHAT WOULD YOU DO FOR A KLONDIKE BAR? 451 00:16:50,377 --> 00:16:52,212 KILL YOUR WIFE? 452 00:16:52,245 --> 00:16:55,415 - BLOCK THE OPPONENT'S PUNCH AND COUNTERPUNCH TO THE JAW. 453 00:16:55,448 --> 00:16:58,385 WHOOH. SHOESHINE? 454 00:16:58,418 --> 00:17:00,187 - HEY. - OH, HEY. 455 00:17:00,220 --> 00:17:02,255 ANN PERKINS IN THE SHOE SHOUSE. 456 00:17:02,289 --> 00:17:04,091 [laughs] 457 00:17:04,124 --> 00:17:05,024 - I WANTED TO CHECK IN. 458 00:17:05,058 --> 00:17:06,359 I BROUGHT SOME STUFF FROM THE HOSPITAL-- 459 00:17:06,393 --> 00:17:09,229 WATER, COMPRESS, ASPIRIN, SOME LOLLIPOPS. 460 00:17:09,262 --> 00:17:10,263 I KNOW YOU LOVE THOSE. 461 00:17:10,297 --> 00:17:11,498 - YOU KNOW, HEY, THANK YOU, 462 00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:13,300 BUT I'M REALLY-- I'M FEELING GREAT. 463 00:17:13,333 --> 00:17:14,101 I TOOK A COUPLE OF ASPIRIN 464 00:17:14,134 --> 00:17:15,535 AND SLEPT RIGHT THROUGH THE NIGHT 465 00:17:15,568 --> 00:17:16,603 AND-- HOLD ON A SECOND. 466 00:17:16,636 --> 00:17:19,106 UH, LUDGATE! WHAT THE HELL? 467 00:17:19,139 --> 00:17:21,141 I GOT YOU ONE OF THOSE VEGGIE MUFFINS 468 00:17:21,174 --> 00:17:22,309 THAT YOU'RE ALWAYS EATING. - SCORE. 469 00:17:22,342 --> 00:17:24,277 - YEAH. TASTES LIKE A RUG. 470 00:17:24,311 --> 00:17:26,113 - SHUT UP. 471 00:17:26,146 --> 00:17:27,814 - [protests indistinctly] ANYHOW. 472 00:17:27,847 --> 00:17:29,649 - GOOD, WELL, I'M GLAD YOU'RE FEELING BETTER. 473 00:17:29,682 --> 00:17:31,151 - I AM. THANK YOU FOR THAT. 474 00:17:31,184 --> 00:17:33,253 THAT'S SO COOL. 475 00:17:33,286 --> 00:17:34,721 - SINCE WHEN DID HE START DOING STUFF 476 00:17:34,754 --> 00:17:36,523 FOR OTHER PEOPLE? 477 00:17:36,556 --> 00:17:40,327 NOW I ACTUALLY AM WORRIED THAT SOMETHING HAPPENED TO HIS BRAIN. 478 00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:43,363 PEOPLE CHANGE, I GUESS. 479 00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:46,333 - WOULDN'T YOU RATHER THE MONEY GO TO KEEPING THE PARKS SAFE? 480 00:17:46,366 --> 00:17:48,668 - YES, BUT NOW WE HAVE THE MONEY UNDER FALSE PRETENCES. 481 00:17:48,701 --> 00:17:51,338 - I ACTUALLY THINK THAT YOU HAVE A BIGGER PROBLEM THAN THE MONEY. 482 00:17:51,371 --> 00:17:52,839 - WHAT? 483 00:17:52,872 --> 00:17:55,142 - THERE IS SOMEONE IN YOUR DEPARTMENT WHO IS WILLING TO LIE 484 00:17:55,175 --> 00:17:57,810 ABOUT BEING MUGGED BECAUSE HE'S AFRAID OF HIS COWORKERS. 485 00:17:57,844 --> 00:17:59,512 [cell phone rings] 486 00:17:59,546 --> 00:18:02,449 - KNOPE. YUP. 487 00:18:02,482 --> 00:18:03,550 NO! 488 00:18:06,153 --> 00:18:07,654 CARL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 489 00:18:07,687 --> 00:18:09,322 - OH, LESLIE. 490 00:18:09,356 --> 00:18:11,791 WELL, SINCE YOU DECIDED TO DRAG MY NAME 491 00:18:11,824 --> 00:18:14,394 THROUGH THE MUD ON TV, I FIGURED WHY NOT RETURN THE FAVOR? 492 00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:16,296 - CARL, COULD YOU QUIETLY QUIET DOWN 493 00:18:16,329 --> 00:18:19,366 FOR A SECOND AND PLEASE TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON QUIETLY? 494 00:18:19,399 --> 00:18:22,235 OKAY? IN A QUIET VOICE. 495 00:18:22,269 --> 00:18:24,137 - [loud as usual] A CITIZEN HANDED IN 496 00:18:24,171 --> 00:18:26,406 A VERY INTERESTING HOME VIDEO THAT I THINK 497 00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:29,342 THE PEOPLE OF PAWNEE WILL FIND VERY INTERESTING. 498 00:18:29,376 --> 00:18:31,911 TAKE A PEEK AT THIS. 499 00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:34,281 [flatulence] 500 00:18:34,314 --> 00:18:37,884 KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE CREEK. 501 00:18:37,917 --> 00:18:39,652 THERE HE IS. 502 00:18:39,686 --> 00:18:41,588 OH, THIS IS MY FAVORITE PART. 503 00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:44,791 NOT WILLING TO SHARE WITH A DOG. 504 00:18:44,824 --> 00:18:46,859 SO IT WOULD APPEAR THAT PARK SECURITY 505 00:18:46,893 --> 00:18:48,628 WAS NOT TO BLAME AFTER ALL. 506 00:18:48,661 --> 00:18:52,199 - OKAY, LOOK, I HAVE A PROPOSITION FOR YOU. 507 00:18:52,232 --> 00:18:54,801 - FINE. I'LL HAVE SEX WITH YOU IN EXCHANGE FOR THE TAPE. 508 00:18:54,834 --> 00:18:57,737 - THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M SAYING! OKAY? 509 00:18:57,770 --> 00:19:01,574 JUST LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY. 510 00:19:01,608 --> 00:19:05,345 - THE RAMSETT PARK MUGGING STORY CONTINUES 511 00:19:05,378 --> 00:19:07,247 WITH A SHINY NEW TWIST. 512 00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:11,384 RANGER CARL LORTHNER IS HERE TODAY. 513 00:19:11,418 --> 00:19:15,322 NOW I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU HAVE A BOMBSHELL 514 00:19:15,355 --> 00:19:18,925 TO DROP THAT YOU ARE JUST SITTING ON. 515 00:19:18,958 --> 00:19:20,893 - YES, THAT'S CORRECT. 516 00:19:20,927 --> 00:19:22,729 I CAME ON TODAY BECAUSE I HAVE 517 00:19:22,762 --> 00:19:24,964 SOME VERY IMPORTANT INFORMATION TO SHARE. 518 00:19:24,997 --> 00:19:27,567 I FINALLY SAW AVATAR, 519 00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:30,303 AND I THOUGHT IT LIVED UP TO THE HYPE. 520 00:19:30,337 --> 00:19:33,440 - WOW, I'M NOT SURE WHAT THAT HAS TO DO WITH THE MUGGING. 521 00:19:33,473 --> 00:19:34,874 [laughs] 522 00:19:34,907 --> 00:19:37,277 UM, LESLIE, COUNTERPOINT. 523 00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:38,811 - I DISAGREE WITH CARL. 524 00:19:38,845 --> 00:19:41,914 - OKAY. - I HAVE SEEN AVATAR AS WELL. 525 00:19:41,948 --> 00:19:44,451 AND I THINK IT EXCEEDED THE HYPE. 526 00:19:44,484 --> 00:19:47,454 - WHAT? - OH, BOY. 527 00:19:47,487 --> 00:19:49,656 WE... - DISAGREEMENT. 528 00:19:49,689 --> 00:19:52,292 - [sighs] WELL, THINGS ARE REALLY HEATING UP IN HERE. 529 00:19:52,325 --> 00:19:53,125 AREN'T THEY? 530 00:19:53,159 --> 00:19:55,262 WE SHOULD PROBABLY TAKE SOME CALLS. 531 00:19:55,295 --> 00:19:58,631 THAT SEGMENT WAS A DISASTER! 532 00:19:58,665 --> 00:20:00,500 DON'T YOU EVER [bleep] ME LIKE THAT AGAIN. 533 00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:02,835 THIS IS PAWNEE [bleep] TODAY. 534 00:20:02,869 --> 00:20:04,404 DO YOU KNOW THAT I BUMPED A CAT 535 00:20:04,437 --> 00:20:06,839 THAT CAN STAND UP ON ITS HINDERS FOR YOU? 536 00:20:06,873 --> 00:20:09,376 YOU DISGUST ME, KNOPE. GET OUT OF MY SIGHT. 537 00:20:09,409 --> 00:20:11,611 - YES, MA'AM. - GO. 538 00:20:11,644 --> 00:20:13,680 GO. NO, NO, NO. 539 00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:15,415 DON'T MAKE ME CHASE YOU. 540 00:20:15,448 --> 00:20:16,683 YOU WANT TO GO EAT SOMETHING. 541 00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:18,351 - [softly] OKAY. 542 00:20:18,385 --> 00:20:20,019 - I AM PART OF A GREAT TEAM. 543 00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:24,457 AND SOMETIMES THE BEST WAY TO MAINTAIN A STRONG TEAM 544 00:20:24,491 --> 00:20:26,593 IS JUST BY LETTING SOMEONE KNOW THAT HE IS STILL A PART OF IT. 545 00:20:26,626 --> 00:20:28,928 OKAY. THIS IS THE ONLY COPY. 546 00:20:28,961 --> 00:20:32,365 AND I AM GOING TO DESTROY IT. 547 00:20:32,399 --> 00:20:35,568 RIGHT AFTER I WATCH IT ONE MORE TIME. 548 00:20:35,602 --> 00:20:39,005 I'M SORRY, BUT IT IS SO GOOD. 549 00:20:42,041 --> 00:20:43,276 - HEY, JERRY. - MM-HMM. 550 00:20:43,310 --> 00:20:44,577 - I GOT YOU A PEPPERMINT LATTE. 551 00:20:44,611 --> 00:20:47,280 - SERIOUSLY? 552 00:20:47,314 --> 00:20:48,881 MY GOODNESS. I LOVE A PEPP-- 553 00:20:48,915 --> 00:20:50,583 - I KNOW. 554 00:20:50,617 --> 00:20:54,587 - AH, JEEZ. GO AHEAD. 555 00:20:54,621 --> 00:20:56,823 - WE SHOULD JUST DIRECTLY APPLY THE FOOD TO YOUR CLOTHES. 556 00:20:56,856 --> 00:20:59,359 [laughter] - YAY! 557 00:20:59,392 --> 00:21:01,861 MAKING FUN OF JERRY'S BACK. 558 00:21:01,894 --> 00:21:03,630 - THEY CAN LAUGH AT ME ALL THEY WANT. 559 00:21:03,663 --> 00:21:05,965 BECAUSE TWO MORE YEARS UNTIL I RETIRE 560 00:21:05,998 --> 00:21:07,534 WITH FULL BENEFITS AND PENSION. 561 00:21:07,567 --> 00:21:09,369 AND MY WIFE AND I, WE HAVE BOUGHT 562 00:21:09,402 --> 00:21:10,637 A LITTLE COTTAGE ON A LAKE. 563 00:21:10,670 --> 00:21:11,571 AND I AM GOING TO GET MYSELF 564 00:21:11,604 --> 00:21:14,741 A STACK OF MYSTERY NOVELS, A BOX OF CIGARS, 565 00:21:14,774 --> 00:21:18,578 AND I AM GOING TO SIT BACK AND ENJOY MY LIFE. 566 00:21:18,611 --> 00:21:21,648 - HEY, JERRY, APRIL WAS JUST DOUBLE-CHECKING THE LUNCH ORDER. 567 00:21:21,681 --> 00:21:23,683 DO YOU WANT THE SALMON OR THE TWOUT? 568 00:21:23,716 --> 00:21:27,320 - TWOUT! both: TWOUT! TWOUT! TWOUT!