1 00:00:01,602 --> 00:00:03,337 - ARE YOU KIDDING? I WAS HERE FIRST. GET LOST. 2 00:00:03,371 --> 00:00:04,438 - WE WERE HERE FIRST. 3 00:00:04,472 --> 00:00:06,207 - BUT WE'RE SCHEDULED FOR THIS TIME ON THIS FIELD. 4 00:00:06,240 --> 00:00:07,375 - OKAY, THIS IS NO WAY FOR ADULTS 5 00:00:07,408 --> 00:00:08,642 TO ACT IN FRONT OF CHILDREN. 6 00:00:08,676 --> 00:00:09,677 YOU'RE NOT ONLY COACHES, YOU'RE ALSO ROLE MODELS. 7 00:00:09,710 --> 00:00:10,644 - [scoffs]. 8 00:00:10,678 --> 00:00:15,683 I WOULD HARDLY CALL WHAT HE DOES COACHING. 9 00:00:15,716 --> 00:00:18,419 - OH...WOW. EXCELLENT ROLE MODELING. 10 00:00:18,452 --> 00:00:20,388 APPARENTLY, THE GIRLS' TEAM DOES NOT HAVE A FIELD 11 00:00:20,421 --> 00:00:23,424 ASSIGNED TO THEM FOR PRACTICE, BUT THE BOYS' TEAM DOES. 12 00:00:23,457 --> 00:00:25,726 NO. NOT ON MY WATCH. 13 00:00:25,759 --> 00:00:27,561 EVERY CHILD HAS THE RIGHT TO PLAY, 14 00:00:27,595 --> 00:00:29,463 NO MATTER HOW BORING THE SPORT. 15 00:00:29,497 --> 00:00:31,565 OKAY, COULD YOU JUST SHARE THE FIELD 16 00:00:31,599 --> 00:00:33,067 WITH THE GIRLS TODAY, PLEASE? 17 00:00:33,101 --> 00:00:35,669 - I'M THE GIRLS' COACH. SHE'S THE BOYS' COACH. 18 00:00:35,703 --> 00:00:37,771 - OH, OKAY, SORRY. - THAT'S SEXIST. 19 00:00:37,805 --> 00:00:39,807 - NO, IT'S NOT. - YEAH, IT KIND OF IS. 20 00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:42,476 - OKAY, WHY DON'T THE BOYS TAKE THE FIELD TODAY 21 00:00:42,510 --> 00:00:44,545 AND THEN I WILL MAKE SURE THAT THE GIRLS 22 00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:46,647 GET A PLACE TO PRACTICE BY THE END OF THE WEEK? 23 00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:50,318 AND THAT, LITTLE LADY, IS A LESLIE KNOPE PROMISE. 24 00:00:50,351 --> 00:00:52,453 - I'M A BOY. - GOOD, YEAH. 25 00:00:52,486 --> 00:00:53,521 'CAUSE I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU, I WAS TALKING TO YOU. 26 00:00:53,554 --> 00:00:54,722 YOU'RE A GIRL, RIGHT? 27 00:00:54,755 --> 00:00:57,591 - YEAH. - YEP. SHE. 28 00:00:57,625 --> 00:01:00,594 [triumphant music] 29 00:01:00,628 --> 00:01:08,702 * 30 00:01:17,545 --> 00:01:19,847 - MAIL'S HERE. 31 00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:21,682 - OH! HEY. 32 00:01:21,715 --> 00:01:22,850 - JERRY. 33 00:01:22,883 --> 00:01:25,386 YOU GOT SOUP ALL OVER OUR MAIL. YOU JERK. 34 00:01:25,419 --> 00:01:26,454 - OH, MY GOD. 35 00:01:26,487 --> 00:01:28,256 IT'S AN ENVELOPE FROM THE I.O.W. AWARDS OFFICE. 36 00:01:28,289 --> 00:01:30,891 NOBODY FREAK OUT. 37 00:01:30,924 --> 00:01:33,127 DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS? 38 00:01:33,161 --> 00:01:35,829 I AM PAWNEE'S WOMAN OF THE YEAR. 39 00:01:35,863 --> 00:01:38,632 THE I.O.W. IS THE INDIANA ORGANIZATION OF WOMEN. 40 00:01:38,666 --> 00:01:41,535 I HAVE BEEN A DUES-PAYING MEMBER SINCE I WAS NINE. 41 00:01:41,569 --> 00:01:43,571 AND EVERY YEAR, THEY CHOOSE ONE WOMAN TO WIN 42 00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:46,474 THE DOROTHY EVERTON SMYTHE FEMALE EMPOWERMENT AWARD. 43 00:01:46,507 --> 00:01:48,642 WINNING IS EVERY GIRL'S DREAM. 44 00:01:48,676 --> 00:01:50,778 BUT IT'S MY DESTINY. 45 00:01:50,811 --> 00:01:52,213 AND MY DREAM. 46 00:01:52,246 --> 00:01:53,581 CAN YOU READ IT, PLEASE? 47 00:01:53,614 --> 00:01:56,150 WHERE MY LADIES AT? 48 00:01:56,184 --> 00:01:58,286 HERE WE GO. 49 00:01:58,319 --> 00:02:00,654 - THE I.O.W. IS PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THIS YEAR'S 50 00:02:00,688 --> 00:02:02,590 DOROTHY EVERTON SMYTHE 51 00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:04,725 FEMALE EMPOWERMENT AWARD WINNER: 52 00:02:04,758 --> 00:02:05,926 RONALD SWANSON. 53 00:02:05,959 --> 00:02:07,661 - AH-HA, OKAY, PRETTY FUNNY. 54 00:02:07,695 --> 00:02:08,629 - IT SAYS RONALD SWANSON. 55 00:02:08,662 --> 00:02:10,398 - WHAT? NO, NO. NO, IT DOESN'T. 56 00:02:10,431 --> 00:02:12,200 I--THAT--NO. 57 00:02:12,233 --> 00:02:13,867 THAT--WHAT? 58 00:02:13,901 --> 00:02:15,703 THEY--THEY ONLY HONOR WOMEN, 59 00:02:15,736 --> 00:02:16,870 AND RON'S THE OPPOSITE OF A WOMAN. 60 00:02:16,904 --> 00:02:18,506 - WHAT'S GOING ON? 61 00:02:18,539 --> 00:02:20,374 - YOU'RE, UM, PAWNEE'S WOMAN OF THE YEAR, 62 00:02:20,408 --> 00:02:23,911 IT LOOKS LIKE. 63 00:02:23,944 --> 00:02:26,214 - WELL, IT'S ABOUT TIME. - [laughs] 64 00:02:26,247 --> 00:02:27,515 - NO, NO, NO. 65 00:02:27,548 --> 00:02:28,682 THEY'VE OBVIOUSLY MADE SOME SORT OF MISTAKE. 66 00:02:28,716 --> 00:02:29,950 - BULLY FOR ME. 67 00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:31,785 - CONGRATULATIONS, RON. - YEAH, CONGRATULATIONS. 68 00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:33,321 - CONGRATS. IT'S VERY EXCITING. 69 00:02:33,354 --> 00:02:34,488 - IT'S AWESOME. 70 00:02:34,522 --> 00:02:36,657 - AWARDS ARE STUPID. 71 00:02:36,690 --> 00:02:39,760 WHICH IS WHY I FULLY INTEND TO DECLINE THIS NONSENSE 72 00:02:39,793 --> 00:02:41,762 AND RECOMMEND IT GO TO LESLIE. 73 00:02:41,795 --> 00:02:46,300 BECAUSE SHE WORKS REALLY HARD AND I DON'T. 74 00:02:46,334 --> 00:02:50,471 HOWEVER, SHE CARES WAY TOO MUCH ABOUT CRAP LIKE THIS, 75 00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:52,973 WHICH IS WHY I CAN'T PASS UP THIS OPPORTUNITY 76 00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:55,643 TO TEASE HER ABOUT IT. 77 00:02:55,676 --> 00:02:57,578 - WELL, WE CAN'T STAND AROUND ALL DAY 78 00:02:57,611 --> 00:03:00,248 CONGRATULATING ME ON RECEIVING AN AWARD 79 00:03:00,281 --> 00:03:02,650 FROM SOME LOUSY WOMEN'S ORGANIZATION. 80 00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:04,652 BACK TO WORK, EVERYONE. 81 00:03:06,287 --> 00:03:08,456 - [stutters] 82 00:03:08,489 --> 00:03:10,324 [dance music] 83 00:03:10,358 --> 00:03:11,659 - HEY, FREDDY. 84 00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:13,561 GOOD NEWS. 85 00:03:13,594 --> 00:03:16,697 YOUR LIQUOR LICENSE RENEWAL GOT GOT, YO. 86 00:03:16,730 --> 00:03:17,765 - WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? 87 00:03:17,798 --> 00:03:19,867 - OH, I GOT YOU TEMPORARY APPROVAL 88 00:03:19,900 --> 00:03:22,002 FROM THE LIQUOR BOARD PENDING FULL-BOARD 89 00:03:22,035 --> 00:03:23,804 AUTHORIZATION AND COUNCIL REVIEW. 90 00:03:23,837 --> 00:03:25,439 GOT GOT. 91 00:03:25,473 --> 00:03:26,607 - THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH. 92 00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:28,242 - NO WORRIES. 93 00:03:28,276 --> 00:03:29,710 YOU KNOW THE SNAKEHOLE'S MY FAVORITE PAWNEE HOT SPOT. 94 00:03:29,743 --> 00:03:31,679 I WANNA OPEN UP MY OWN CLUB ONE DAY. 95 00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:33,681 MAYBE CALL IT SOMETHING LIKE CLUB-A-DUB-DUB 96 00:03:33,714 --> 00:03:35,583 OR THE CLUBMARINE, 97 00:03:35,616 --> 00:03:37,785 SORT OF A SUBMARINE-THEMED CLUB. 98 00:03:37,818 --> 00:03:40,688 OR TOM'S BISTRO. 99 00:03:40,721 --> 00:03:42,923 THE WORD BISTRO IS CLASSY AS [bleep]. 100 00:03:42,956 --> 00:03:44,625 - TOM, MAN, WE ARE LOOKING FOR 101 00:03:44,658 --> 00:03:47,561 A FEW TOP QUALITY GUYS LIKE YOURSELF 102 00:03:47,595 --> 00:03:49,430 TO BECOME PART OWNERS. 103 00:03:49,463 --> 00:03:51,632 A GUY LIKE YOU WITH YOUR POLITICAL CONNECTIONS, 104 00:03:51,665 --> 00:03:53,267 I THINK YOU'D MAKE A GREAT ASSET. 105 00:03:53,301 --> 00:03:54,635 - I AGREE. 106 00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:56,036 THAT'S WHY I GOT INTO PUBLIC SERVICE, TO HELP ME. 107 00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:58,739 - ALL RIGHT. $10,000 A SHARE. 108 00:03:58,772 --> 00:04:00,908 NEED THE MONEY BY FRIDAY. 109 00:04:00,941 --> 00:04:04,612 - $10,000. THAT'S CHUMP CHANGE. 110 00:04:04,645 --> 00:04:08,649 I WILL SEE YOU FRIDAY WITH $10,000. 111 00:04:08,682 --> 00:04:12,286 - ALL RIGHT, PARTNER. 112 00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:14,021 - I JUST DON'T GET WHY THE I.O.W. 113 00:04:14,054 --> 00:04:15,556 WOULD GIVE THAT AWARD TO RON. 114 00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:16,624 - YEAH, THAT'S A BUMMER. 115 00:04:16,657 --> 00:04:17,625 - ONE, HE'S NOT A WOMAN. 116 00:04:17,658 --> 00:04:20,661 AND TWO, THEY MENTION THE CAMP ATHENA PROJECT 117 00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:21,462 IN THAT LETTER. 118 00:04:21,495 --> 00:04:23,364 THAT'S MY PROJECT. I STARTED THAT. 119 00:04:23,397 --> 00:04:24,398 IT WAS MY BRAINCHILD. 120 00:04:24,432 --> 00:04:27,034 WHY WOULD RON START A CAMP FOR TROUBLED GIRLS? 121 00:04:27,067 --> 00:04:28,802 - HE WOULDN'T. - EXACTLY. 122 00:04:28,836 --> 00:04:30,003 I DESERVE THAT AWARD. 123 00:04:30,037 --> 00:04:32,540 THAT AWARD IS MINE, NOT HIS. IT'S MINE. 124 00:04:32,573 --> 00:04:33,641 - YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD DO-- 125 00:04:33,674 --> 00:04:34,708 - I KNOW, I ALREADY STARTED A LIST. 126 00:04:34,742 --> 00:04:36,710 "WRITE AN EMAIL TO BARACK OBAMA. 127 00:04:36,744 --> 00:04:37,745 "LOCK MYSELF IN MY OFFICE AND SCREAM 128 00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:38,912 UNTIL I LOSE MY VOICE." 129 00:04:38,946 --> 00:04:40,080 THAT'S ALL I HAVE SO FAR. 130 00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:41,549 - I WAS GONNA SUGGEST MAYBE YOU JUST GO 131 00:04:41,582 --> 00:04:42,716 AND TALK TO HIM. 132 00:04:42,750 --> 00:04:43,817 - OH. 133 00:04:43,851 --> 00:04:45,819 - YOU'RE ONLY GONNA GET MORE RESENTFUL IF YOU DON'T. 134 00:04:45,853 --> 00:04:46,820 - [sighs] 135 00:04:46,854 --> 00:04:48,756 [cell phone rings] 136 00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:51,459 - HEY, ANN. HOW-- - ANN. 137 00:04:51,492 --> 00:04:52,826 I HAVE SO MUCH I NEED TO TELL YOU RIGHT NOW. 138 00:04:52,860 --> 00:04:54,828 - HEY, ANN, LESLIE WOULD LIKE TO TALK TO YOU 139 00:04:54,862 --> 00:04:56,697 FOR A MOMENT, IS THAT ALL RIGHT? 140 00:04:56,730 --> 00:04:58,499 GOOD. 141 00:04:58,532 --> 00:04:59,867 - JEAN-RALPHIO. 142 00:04:59,900 --> 00:05:02,703 - BIG T, WHAT IT DO, NEPHEW? 143 00:05:02,736 --> 00:05:04,638 [both making whooshing sounds] 144 00:05:04,672 --> 00:05:06,740 - JEAN-RALPHIO, 145 00:05:06,774 --> 00:05:08,676 I HAVE A HOT INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY 146 00:05:08,709 --> 00:05:10,344 THAT YOU ARE GONNA WANNA JUMP ALL OVER. 147 00:05:10,378 --> 00:05:11,512 - HIT ME WITH IT, DADDY. 148 00:05:11,545 --> 00:05:13,747 - THE SNAKEHOLE LOUNGE-- - HEARD OF IT. 149 00:05:13,781 --> 00:05:15,849 - IS LOOKING FOR INVESTORS. - NO WAY. 150 00:05:15,883 --> 00:05:17,017 YESTERDAY IF YOU WOULD HAVE ASKED ME, 151 00:05:17,050 --> 00:05:18,452 I WOULD HAVE SAID NO, BUT THANK GOD 152 00:05:18,486 --> 00:05:20,421 MY GRANDFATHER JUST DIED SO I AM 153 00:05:20,454 --> 00:05:23,724 * FLUH-USH WITH CAH-ASH 154 00:05:23,757 --> 00:05:24,892 - AWESOME. 155 00:05:24,925 --> 00:05:26,627 I HAVE 4,000 BUCKS. 156 00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:28,596 ALL I NEED YOU TO DO IS KICK IN 6Gs 157 00:05:28,629 --> 00:05:30,931 AND THEN YOU AND I ARE PART OWNERS 158 00:05:30,964 --> 00:05:32,700 OF THE HOTTEST NIGHTCLUB IN PAWNEE. 159 00:05:32,733 --> 00:05:34,435 ALSO, SORRY ABOUT YOUR GRANDPA. 160 00:05:34,468 --> 00:05:36,670 - NO WORRIES, HE WAS A DICK. HERE'S THE THING. 161 00:05:36,704 --> 00:05:39,640 I CAN KICK IN 5Gs. THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH, RIGHT? 162 00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:42,075 - NO, IT'S NOT ENOUGH. I JUST SAID I NEED 6Gs. 163 00:05:42,109 --> 00:05:43,411 WHAT ABOUT YOUR TRUST FUND? 164 00:05:43,444 --> 00:05:44,645 - MY PARENTS HAD IT AMENDED. 165 00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:45,546 I DON'T GET ANYTHING UNTIL I'M 50, 166 00:05:45,579 --> 00:05:46,880 WHICH IS A WASTE, 'CAUSE I'M GONNA BE 167 00:05:46,914 --> 00:05:48,816 A BILLIONAIRE IN COSTA RICA BY THEN, 168 00:05:48,849 --> 00:05:51,519 EATING DOLPHINS AND HANGING OUT WITH LADY SINGERS. 169 00:05:51,552 --> 00:05:53,020 - IT'S NOT A HUGE DEAL. JUST SIT TIGHT. 170 00:05:53,053 --> 00:05:54,588 I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT. 171 00:05:54,622 --> 00:05:55,756 - YOU WANNA COME HOME WITH ME? 172 00:05:55,789 --> 00:05:58,759 - DON'T YOU WORK AT LADY FOOT LOCKER? 173 00:05:58,792 --> 00:06:00,594 - LOOK, IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA PAY RENT, 174 00:06:00,628 --> 00:06:02,396 AT LEAST CLEAN UP YOUR DISHES. 175 00:06:02,430 --> 00:06:04,865 - UGH! IS THAT ALL? 176 00:06:04,898 --> 00:06:05,866 - NO. 177 00:06:05,899 --> 00:06:08,602 ALSO, THE BAG OF SMELLS WAS A FUN EXPERIMENT, 178 00:06:08,636 --> 00:06:09,570 BUT IT HAS TO STOP. 179 00:06:09,603 --> 00:06:10,938 - COME ON. 180 00:06:10,971 --> 00:06:13,474 NOW--NO, WE'RE FINALLY STARTING TO GET SERIOUS RESULTS. 181 00:06:13,507 --> 00:06:15,543 - ANDY, DUDE, I LOVE YOU. 182 00:06:15,576 --> 00:06:19,580 BUT SHAPE UP OR MOVE OUT. 183 00:06:19,613 --> 00:06:20,648 - WHAT'S GOING ON? 184 00:06:20,681 --> 00:06:22,450 - THE GUITARIST FROM MY BAND IS DRIVING ME CRAZY. 185 00:06:22,483 --> 00:06:23,717 HE'S SUCH A CONTROL FREAK. 186 00:06:23,751 --> 00:06:26,554 [imitating roommate] UH, THAT'S NOT A WORKING FIREPLACE, ANDY. 187 00:06:26,587 --> 00:06:28,922 STOP WRITING PHONE MESSAGES ON THE WALL, ANDY. 188 00:06:28,956 --> 00:06:30,424 DUDE, SERIOUSLY, I LOVE YOU, 189 00:06:30,458 --> 00:06:32,693 BUT STOP DIGGING THAT WEIRD HOLE IN THE BACKYARD. 190 00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:33,994 - IS MOUSE RAT GONNA BREAK UP? 191 00:06:34,027 --> 00:06:35,663 - WELL, WE'RE NOT MOUSE RAT ANYMORE. 192 00:06:35,696 --> 00:06:37,030 WE CHANGED IT TO TACKLESHAFT. 193 00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:38,198 - OH. 194 00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:40,501 - I SHOULD JUST GET MY OWN PLACE. 195 00:06:40,534 --> 00:06:42,703 - YOU SHOULD. I'LL HELP YOU. 196 00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:44,605 - YOU COULD HELP ME? - YEAH, THAT'D BE FUN. 197 00:06:44,638 --> 00:06:47,675 - APRIL, YOU'RE LIKE AN ANGEL WITH NO WINGS. 198 00:06:47,708 --> 00:06:49,510 - SO LIKE A PERSON. 199 00:06:49,543 --> 00:06:52,446 [approaching footsteps] 200 00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:54,615 - HEY. WHAT'S IN THE ENVELOPE? 201 00:06:54,648 --> 00:06:57,785 - NOTHING. YOU WANTED TO SEE ME? 202 00:06:57,818 --> 00:06:59,987 - I THINK THE PAWNEE CHAPTER OF THE I.O.W. 203 00:07:00,020 --> 00:07:01,154 HAS A MADE A LITTLE MISTAKE. 204 00:07:01,188 --> 00:07:03,657 - RR, RR, RR. REALLY? 205 00:07:03,691 --> 00:07:06,760 YOU'RE SAYING A WOMEN'S ORGANIZATION MADE A MISTAKE? 206 00:07:06,794 --> 00:07:08,529 - I WAS AS SURPRISED AS YOU WERE. 207 00:07:08,562 --> 00:07:09,697 BUT THE FACT IS, 208 00:07:09,730 --> 00:07:11,732 THEY ONLY GIVE THAT AWARD TO WOMEN. 209 00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:12,800 - HMM. 210 00:07:12,833 --> 00:07:15,469 WELL, IT DEFINITELY SAID RON SWANSON IN THE LETTER. 211 00:07:15,503 --> 00:07:17,905 - YEAH, BUT IT ALSO MENTIONED MY CAMP PROJECT. 212 00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:19,540 - AH, YES, CAMP XENA. 213 00:07:19,573 --> 00:07:20,741 - ATHENA. CAMP ATHENA. 214 00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:22,109 YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE NAME. 215 00:07:22,142 --> 00:07:23,611 - OH, I ALMOST GOT IT. IT WAS PRETTY CLOSE. 216 00:07:23,644 --> 00:07:25,112 - NO. - LOOK, LESLIE. 217 00:07:25,145 --> 00:07:27,648 YOUR JOB, WHICH YOU'RE GREAT AT, 218 00:07:27,681 --> 00:07:28,882 IS MAKING ME LOOK GOOD. 219 00:07:28,916 --> 00:07:31,084 WHICH YOU'VE CLEARLY DONE WELL 220 00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:33,721 BECAUSE I'M GETTING AN AWARD. 221 00:07:33,754 --> 00:07:35,222 RIGHT? 222 00:07:35,255 --> 00:07:37,224 - YEAH? - BE PROUD OF YOURSELF. 223 00:07:37,257 --> 00:07:38,992 I MEAN, YOU DESERVE AN AWARD. 224 00:07:39,026 --> 00:07:42,062 NOT THIS ONE, OBVIOUSLY. THIS ONE BELONGS TO ME. 225 00:07:42,095 --> 00:07:43,697 BUT SOME OTHER ONE. 226 00:07:43,731 --> 00:07:46,534 SOME OTHER LESSER AWARD. 227 00:07:46,567 --> 00:07:47,668 AND IF THE SHOE WERE ON THE OTHER FOOT 228 00:07:47,701 --> 00:07:50,571 AND YOU WON THE AWARD, I WOULD HAVE CONGRATULATED YOU. 229 00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:53,974 - [softly] CONGRATULATIONS, RON. 230 00:07:54,007 --> 00:07:57,778 - WHAT'S THAT? - YOU HEARD ME. 231 00:07:57,811 --> 00:07:59,012 - YOU PROMISED THE GIRLS A FIELD 232 00:07:59,046 --> 00:08:00,581 BY THE END OF THIS WEEK. 233 00:08:00,614 --> 00:08:04,084 WELL, IT'S A MAN'S WORLD, WINSTON, GET USED TO IT. 234 00:08:04,117 --> 00:08:07,054 - I'M A MAN. 235 00:08:07,087 --> 00:08:08,889 - YOU KNOW WHO YOU SHOULD TALK TO? 236 00:08:08,922 --> 00:08:10,057 RON SWANSON. 237 00:08:10,090 --> 00:08:11,859 HE'S AN AWARD WINNING PUBLIC SERVANT. 238 00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:13,093 HE'S THE GUY THAT'S GONNA HELP YOU OUT. 239 00:08:13,126 --> 00:08:15,295 GO ON IN THERE. 240 00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:18,632 - 'SCUSE ME. RON, SOMEONE'S COMING IN. 241 00:08:18,666 --> 00:08:19,767 - HI. 242 00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:21,802 LESLIE SAID I SHOULD COME OVER HERE. 243 00:08:21,835 --> 00:08:23,136 - IF YOU DON'T GET CREDIT FOR YOUR WORK, 244 00:08:23,170 --> 00:08:25,072 WHY BOTHER DOING IT? 245 00:08:25,105 --> 00:08:27,641 BECAUSE I LOVE IT. 246 00:08:27,675 --> 00:08:29,142 BUT I'M GONNA MAKE A POINT. 247 00:08:32,780 --> 00:08:35,683 - THIS VIP CARD GIVES YOU EXCLUSIVE ACCESS 248 00:08:35,716 --> 00:08:38,552 TO THE INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME. 249 00:08:38,586 --> 00:08:40,754 WHERE: MULTIPURPOSE ROOM F. 250 00:08:40,788 --> 00:08:42,890 WHEN: 3:00 P.M. 251 00:08:42,923 --> 00:08:45,258 DRESS CODE: BLACK TIE OPTIONAL. 252 00:08:45,292 --> 00:08:47,795 JUST LIKE LIFE. 253 00:08:47,828 --> 00:08:49,897 - HEY, YOU WANT TO SEE ME? 254 00:08:49,930 --> 00:08:54,201 - YES, YES, JUST HANG ON ONE SECOND. 255 00:08:54,234 --> 00:08:55,669 I'M DOING MY OFFICIAL PORTRAIT 256 00:08:55,703 --> 00:08:57,671 FOR THE I.U.D. AWARDS DINNER PROGRAM. 257 00:08:57,705 --> 00:09:00,040 - I.O.W. 258 00:09:00,073 --> 00:09:02,743 - NO, THIS PORTRAIT IS NOT OFFICIAL IN ANY WAY. 259 00:09:02,776 --> 00:09:04,144 I'M PAYING FOR IT MYSELF. 260 00:09:04,177 --> 00:09:06,780 - DID YOU NEED ME? 261 00:09:06,814 --> 00:09:09,583 BECAUSE SOME OF US ACTUALLY DO WORK AROUND HERE. 262 00:09:09,617 --> 00:09:12,352 WORK THAT OFTEN GOES UNREWARDED. 263 00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:14,254 - I NEED YOUR OPINION. 264 00:09:14,287 --> 00:09:17,090 WHICH OF THESE OBJECTS MOST REPRESENTS WOMEN 265 00:09:17,124 --> 00:09:18,926 FOR THIS PORTRAIT? 266 00:09:18,959 --> 00:09:21,829 A POT? 267 00:09:21,862 --> 00:09:25,833 OR THIS DEPUTY DIRECTOR BARBIE? 268 00:09:25,866 --> 00:09:26,834 ISN'T IT ADORABLE? 269 00:09:26,867 --> 00:09:29,302 SHE'S GOT A LITTLE BRIEFCASE, HER CELL PHONE-- 270 00:09:29,336 --> 00:09:31,939 [high-pitched voice] I'M GOING TO HELP MY BOSS WIN AN AWARD. 271 00:09:31,972 --> 00:09:34,307 - HOW'S THE, UH, SCHEDULING CONFLICT 272 00:09:34,341 --> 00:09:35,776 WITH THE SOCCER TEAMS GOING? 273 00:09:35,809 --> 00:09:36,810 TAKE CARE OF THAT, DID YOU? 274 00:09:36,844 --> 00:09:38,912 - NOPE. PASSED THE BUCK TO DONNA. 275 00:09:38,946 --> 00:09:40,213 - THAT'S NOT REALLY THE ATTITUDE 276 00:09:40,247 --> 00:09:41,882 I EXPECT FROM AN AWARD WINNER. 277 00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:43,951 - EVERYTHING I DO IS THE ATTITUDE 278 00:09:43,984 --> 00:09:48,088 OF AN AWARD WINNER BECAUSE I'VE WON AN AWARD. 279 00:09:48,121 --> 00:09:50,691 - SO WHAT KIND OF PLACE ARE YOU LOOKING FOR? 280 00:09:50,724 --> 00:09:52,826 - I CAN AFFORD, LIKE, 300 BUCKS A MONTH. 281 00:09:52,860 --> 00:09:55,362 I'VE ALWAYS WANTED A DOORMAN NAMED ERNIE. 282 00:09:55,395 --> 00:09:56,764 THAT WOULD BE AWESOME. OR KIPP. 283 00:09:56,797 --> 00:09:57,931 I'M PRETTY FLEXIBLE ON THAT. 284 00:09:57,965 --> 00:09:59,266 - HERE'S A GREAT ONE. 285 00:09:59,299 --> 00:10:02,169 IT'S A TUDOR MANSION, IT'S GOT SEVEN ROOMS, 286 00:10:02,202 --> 00:10:04,838 FOUR BATHROOMS, IT'S GOT A TENNIS COURT, 287 00:10:04,872 --> 00:10:06,707 A POOL, AND A THREE-CAR GARAGE. 288 00:10:06,740 --> 00:10:07,808 - WHAT? 289 00:10:07,841 --> 00:10:10,177 - AND IT'S ONLY $20,000 A MONTH. 290 00:10:10,210 --> 00:10:11,812 AND IT'S IN CHICAGO. 291 00:10:11,845 --> 00:10:14,815 - AW. THAT CLOSE. IT WAS ALMOST PERFECT. 292 00:10:14,848 --> 00:10:17,785 - ACTUALLY, THERE ARE A COUPLE COOL PLACES IN HERE. 293 00:10:17,818 --> 00:10:19,286 - LET'S GO LOOK AT THEM. - NOW? 294 00:10:19,319 --> 00:10:20,854 - LET'S ROLL. - OKAY. 295 00:10:29,329 --> 00:10:31,832 - THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR JOINING ME TODAY. 296 00:10:31,865 --> 00:10:33,133 I HAVE TWO QUESTIONS FOR YOU. 297 00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:35,736 ONE: ARE YOU READY FOR THE INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY 298 00:10:35,769 --> 00:10:36,904 OF A LIFETIME? 299 00:10:36,937 --> 00:10:39,006 AND TWO: DO ANY OF YOU HAVE PACEMAKERS 300 00:10:39,039 --> 00:10:40,173 OR A HISTORY OF EPILEPSY? 301 00:10:40,207 --> 00:10:41,274 - YES, BOTH. 302 00:10:41,308 --> 00:10:43,944 - ANYBODY, NO?--RIGHT. - BOTH. 303 00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:47,815 [frenetic club music] 304 00:10:47,848 --> 00:10:49,917 LADIES. 305 00:10:49,950 --> 00:10:52,285 * 306 00:10:52,319 --> 00:10:56,223 JAY-Z. RIHANNA. AUDRINA PATRIDGE. 307 00:10:56,256 --> 00:11:00,728 JON GOSSELIN. LADY GAGA. SNOOKI. 308 00:11:00,761 --> 00:11:02,095 - ARE THESE REAL PEOPLE? 309 00:11:02,129 --> 00:11:04,865 - CASH WARREN. AND DENNIS RODMAN. 310 00:11:04,898 --> 00:11:06,033 THESE ARE JUST A FEW OF THE CELEBRITIES 311 00:11:06,066 --> 00:11:09,770 THAT WISH THEY COULD INVEST IN PAWNEE'S HOTTEST CLUB. 312 00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:12,806 BUT THEY CAAAAAN'T! 313 00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:15,008 AND YOU CAN FOR THE SMALL PRICE OF ONLY 314 00:11:15,042 --> 00:11:18,812 [echoing] $1,000. 315 00:11:18,846 --> 00:11:23,150 THE ONLY QUESTION IS, WHO'S GONNA BE MY PARTNER? 316 00:11:23,183 --> 00:11:24,852 MARK, I'M TALKING TO YOU. 317 00:11:24,885 --> 00:11:26,086 DONNA, I'M TALKING TO YOU. 318 00:11:26,119 --> 00:11:28,055 JERRY, I'M TALKING TO YOU. 319 00:11:28,088 --> 00:11:31,424 MARK, I'M TALKING TO YOU. 320 00:11:31,458 --> 00:11:34,795 - 26 CERTIFICATES, PLAQUES, RIBBONS, TROPHIES, 321 00:11:34,828 --> 00:11:36,797 MEDALS, AND MISCELLANY CERTIFYING THAT I AM 322 00:11:36,830 --> 00:11:38,799 THE KIND OF PERSON WHO DESERVES RECOGNITION 323 00:11:38,832 --> 00:11:40,267 FOR HER ACHIEVEMENTS. 324 00:11:40,300 --> 00:11:41,334 WHAT DO YOU HAVE, RON? 325 00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:45,072 - I HAVE THE DOROTHY EVERYTIME SMURF GIRL TROPHY 326 00:11:45,105 --> 00:11:46,940 FOR EXCELLENCE IN FEMALE STUFF. 327 00:11:46,974 --> 00:11:49,176 - DOROTHY EVERTON SMYTHE. I SWEAR TO GOD-- 328 00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:50,811 - LESLIE. 329 00:11:50,844 --> 00:11:54,114 BEFORE YOU CONTINUE, PLEASE READ THIS. 330 00:11:54,147 --> 00:11:55,515 - ANOTHER ORGANIZATION GIVING YOU CREDIT 331 00:11:55,548 --> 00:12:00,153 FOR SOMETHING YOU DIDN'T DO? 332 00:12:00,187 --> 00:12:03,857 "I, RON SWANSON, RECOGNIZE THAT 333 00:12:03,891 --> 00:12:06,493 "LESLIE KNOPE SHOULD HAVE RECEIVED THE I.O.W. AWARD 334 00:12:06,526 --> 00:12:08,461 "FOR ALL THE HARD WORK SHE HAS DONE, 335 00:12:08,495 --> 00:12:10,430 "ESPECIALLY FOR THE CAMP ATHENA PROJECT. 336 00:12:10,463 --> 00:12:14,534 "HOWEVER, IN MY OPINION, SHE IS FAR TOO CONCERNED 337 00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:16,536 WITH INSTITUTIONAL GRATIFICATION." 338 00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:18,071 NO, I'M NOT. 339 00:12:18,105 --> 00:12:22,375 "SO I'M GONNA LET HER DANGLE IN ORDER TO SHOW HER 340 00:12:22,409 --> 00:12:26,346 THAT AWARDS ARE BULL... CRAP. 341 00:12:26,379 --> 00:12:28,215 - COME ON, LESLIE, YOU KNOW I'M NOT SEXIST. 342 00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:29,349 I LOVE POWERFUL WOMEN. 343 00:12:29,382 --> 00:12:32,219 - WELL, YOU DO ATTEND A SHOCKING NUMBER OF WNBA GAMES. 344 00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:35,856 - I'M JUST SAYING THAT AWARDS ARE POLITICAL. 345 00:12:35,889 --> 00:12:37,891 AND EVERYBODY HAS AN AGENDA. 346 00:12:37,925 --> 00:12:39,526 YOU SPEND YOUR LIFE CHASING THEM, 347 00:12:39,559 --> 00:12:40,861 YOU'LL DRIVE YOURSELF NUTS. 348 00:12:40,894 --> 00:12:42,029 - YEAH, ALL RIGHT. 349 00:12:42,062 --> 00:12:44,798 BUT DOROTHY EVERTON SMYTHE WAS A TRAILBLAZING FEMINIST. 350 00:12:44,832 --> 00:12:46,533 SHE WAS THE FIRST WOMAN IN PAWNEE 351 00:12:46,566 --> 00:12:48,268 TO WEAR PANTS ON A SUNDAY. 352 00:12:48,301 --> 00:12:49,870 SHE SPENT FOUR YEARS IN JAIL FOR THAT. 353 00:12:49,903 --> 00:12:52,305 I KNOW I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO CARE ABOUT THESE THINGS, 354 00:12:52,339 --> 00:12:56,810 BUT THIS ONE MEANS A LOT. 355 00:12:56,844 --> 00:13:00,814 * I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN CHANGING 356 00:13:00,848 --> 00:13:03,150 THE ACOUSTICS IN THE BATHROOM ARE INSANE. 357 00:13:03,183 --> 00:13:05,452 - SO, UM, HOW MUCH IS THIS ONE AGAIN? 358 00:13:05,485 --> 00:13:08,856 - UH, THIS ONE IS $425 A MONTH PLUS UTILITIES. 359 00:13:08,889 --> 00:13:10,323 - HMM. I LIKE IT. 360 00:13:10,357 --> 00:13:12,359 UH, IT SEEMS TO HAVE... 361 00:13:12,392 --> 00:13:14,594 A LOT OF POTENTIAL AND... 362 00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:18,365 A LOT OF ADVANTAGES, PER SE. 363 00:13:18,398 --> 00:13:19,499 COULD DEFINITELY PICTURE MYSELF 364 00:13:19,532 --> 00:13:24,404 DOING SOMETHING OVER THERE. 365 00:13:24,437 --> 00:13:26,373 YOU HEAR THAT? 366 00:13:26,406 --> 00:13:28,341 WHAT IS THAT? 367 00:13:28,375 --> 00:13:29,877 - IT'S STILL ON. 368 00:13:29,910 --> 00:13:31,011 - YOU CAN LIGHT A MATCH TO GET RID OF THAT SMELL. 369 00:13:31,044 --> 00:13:33,246 I FEEL REALLY GOOD ABOUT THIS. 370 00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:35,849 - REALLY? - IT SCREAMS ANDY DWYER. 371 00:13:35,883 --> 00:13:38,085 - AND I LIVE NEARBY, SO WE COULD, LIKE, 372 00:13:38,118 --> 00:13:39,319 CARPOOL TO WORK OR SOMETHING. 373 00:13:39,352 --> 00:13:40,520 - OH, ARE YOU SERIOUS? - YEP. 374 00:13:40,553 --> 00:13:42,422 - THE SCREAM JUST GOT LOUDER. 375 00:13:42,455 --> 00:13:43,590 - UH, SO WHAT DO YOU THINK? 376 00:13:43,623 --> 00:13:47,527 - I DON'T KNOW, MAKE ME AN OFFER. 377 00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:50,263 - OKAY. FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED. 378 00:13:50,297 --> 00:13:52,065 WHO'S IN? JERRY. 379 00:13:52,099 --> 00:13:53,200 - OH, GEEZ, TOM. 380 00:13:53,233 --> 00:13:55,936 IF I SPEND ANY MORE THAN 25 BUCKS, I GOTTA ASK MY WIFE. 381 00:13:55,969 --> 00:13:58,571 - JERRY, GET OUT. - OKAY. 382 00:13:58,605 --> 00:14:00,373 - [imitating Ann] MARK, WHAT ARE WE DOING TONIGHT? 383 00:14:00,407 --> 00:14:02,609 [imitating Mark] OH, I DON'T KNOW, ANN. 384 00:14:02,642 --> 00:14:04,544 WE COULD DO THE USUAL BORING STUFF 385 00:14:04,577 --> 00:14:07,380 LIKE EAT SOME CHICKEN SALAD WITH SOME CRACKERS 386 00:14:07,414 --> 00:14:08,615 OR WATCH THE PAY-PER-VIEW. 387 00:14:08,648 --> 00:14:10,250 OR... 388 00:14:10,283 --> 00:14:13,520 WE COULD GO TO MY NIGHTCLUB AND DO SOME DANCIN'. 389 00:14:13,553 --> 00:14:14,454 - I DON'T THINK SO, MAN. 390 00:14:14,487 --> 00:14:17,357 - YOU'D NEVER HAVE TO BEG FOR SEX AGAIN. 391 00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:18,625 - I DON'T WANNA GET INTO THIS, REALLY, 392 00:14:18,658 --> 00:14:21,161 BUT I DON'T BEG FOR SEX NOW. 393 00:14:21,194 --> 00:14:23,196 - FORGET ABOUT THAT, MARK. ARE YOU IN OR OUT? 394 00:14:23,230 --> 00:14:25,232 - JUST NOT REALLY MY THING. 395 00:14:25,265 --> 00:14:28,601 - BYE, MARK. 396 00:14:28,635 --> 00:14:30,203 - CINDY. 397 00:14:30,237 --> 00:14:31,438 - * DONNA 398 00:14:31,471 --> 00:14:33,273 - MAYBE. I LIKE THE SNAKEHOLE. 399 00:14:33,306 --> 00:14:35,342 PLUS, I WOULD LOOK GOOD PULLING INTO 400 00:14:35,375 --> 00:14:38,178 MY OWNER'S PARKING SPACE IN MY MERCEDES. 401 00:14:38,211 --> 00:14:40,247 - JUST TO BE CLEAR, YOU WOULDN'T BE AN OWNER PER SE. 402 00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:41,681 YOU, ME, AND MY BOY JEAN-RALPHIO 403 00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:43,650 WOULD EACH OWN PART OF A SHARE. 404 00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:45,452 WILL THAT BE CASH OR CHECK? 405 00:14:45,485 --> 00:14:46,686 - NOT SO FAST. 406 00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:48,655 I'D LIKE TO KNOW WHO I'M IN BUSINESS WITH. 407 00:14:48,688 --> 00:14:50,123 I WANNA MEET YOUR BOY. 408 00:14:50,157 --> 00:14:52,625 - COME HERE. THIS LADY'S HERE. 409 00:14:52,659 --> 00:14:56,196 - HI. I'M ELISE YARKTIN. I'M WITH THE I.O.W. 410 00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:59,199 - I'M...WOMAN OF THE YEAR, RON SWANSON. 411 00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:00,500 - YES, I KNOW. 412 00:15:00,533 --> 00:15:01,969 WE ARE VERY EXCITED TO BE PRESENTING YOU 413 00:15:02,002 --> 00:15:03,170 WITH THE SMYTHE AWARD. 414 00:15:03,203 --> 00:15:05,372 - THAT'S WHAT I CALLED YOU TO TALK ABOUT. 415 00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:07,975 I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN TAKE ALL THE EXCITEMENT. 416 00:15:08,008 --> 00:15:11,444 SO I THINK THE AWARD SHOULD GO TO MISS KNOPE HERE. 417 00:15:11,478 --> 00:15:12,612 - HELLO. 418 00:15:12,645 --> 00:15:14,147 - SHE'S THE ONE WHO REALLY DESERVES IT. 419 00:15:14,181 --> 00:15:16,649 CAMP ATHENA WAS HER IDEA, SHE DID ALL THE WORK. 420 00:15:16,683 --> 00:15:18,018 YOU MADE A MISTAKE. 421 00:15:18,051 --> 00:15:20,620 - UH, WE DIDN'T MAKE A MISTAKE. 422 00:15:20,653 --> 00:15:23,156 WE MADE A VERY CONSCIOUS DECISION THIS YEAR 423 00:15:23,190 --> 00:15:24,691 TO CHOOSE A MAN. 424 00:15:24,724 --> 00:15:25,692 - WHY? 425 00:15:25,725 --> 00:15:27,627 - WELL, UH, EVERY YEAR WE GIVE IT TO A WOMAN, 426 00:15:27,660 --> 00:15:29,596 AND FRANKLY NOBODY CARES. 427 00:15:29,629 --> 00:15:31,564 YEAH, THE MEDIA HAS ALL BUT WRITTEN US OFF 428 00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:33,566 AS A NICHE INTEREST GROUP. 429 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:37,104 BUT IF YOU GIVE A WOMAN'S AWARD TO 430 00:15:37,137 --> 00:15:40,540 A MUSTACHIOED, MASCULINE MAN SUCH AS YOURSELF, 431 00:15:40,573 --> 00:15:42,642 WELL, THEN, EVENTUALLY PEOPLE TAKE NOTICE. 432 00:15:42,675 --> 00:15:44,744 - I DON'T WANT THE DAMN THING. 433 00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:46,113 - WELL, WE'RE GIVING IT TO YOU. 434 00:15:46,146 --> 00:15:48,448 SO YOU'RE GONNA TAKE IT. 435 00:15:48,481 --> 00:15:49,616 LIKE A MAN. 436 00:15:49,649 --> 00:15:53,386 SO CONGRATULATIONS. 437 00:15:53,420 --> 00:15:55,488 - THE I.O.W. IS A BUNCH OF SEXIST JERKS 438 00:15:55,522 --> 00:15:57,457 WHO NEED TO GET BACK IN THE KITCHEN WHERE THEY BELONG 439 00:15:57,490 --> 00:16:00,093 AND LEAVE THE REAL FEMINIST WORK TO ACTUAL FEMINISTS 440 00:16:00,127 --> 00:16:01,428 LIKE RON SWANSON! 441 00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:03,563 OH, MY GOD, WHAT IS HAPPENING? 442 00:16:06,233 --> 00:16:07,500 - NOW DO YOU SEE HOW SILLY THESE THINGS ARE? 443 00:16:07,534 --> 00:16:08,401 - UNBELIEVABLE. 444 00:16:08,435 --> 00:16:09,736 - OBVIOUSLY, I'M JUST GONNA DECLINE IT. 445 00:16:09,769 --> 00:16:11,271 - NO, I WANT YOU TO ACCEPT IT. 446 00:16:11,304 --> 00:16:12,405 I WANT YOU TO GO TO THE PODIUM AND TALK ABOUT 447 00:16:12,439 --> 00:16:13,606 HOW STUPID AWARDS ARE. 448 00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:15,775 AND HOW THEY'RE SUPERFICIAL AND MEANINGLESS. 449 00:16:15,808 --> 00:16:18,345 I WANT YOU TO RIP AWARDS A NEW A-HOLE. 450 00:16:18,378 --> 00:16:20,380 - NOW WE'RE TALKING. I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. 451 00:16:20,413 --> 00:16:22,515 YOU WRITE THE SPEECH, DON'T PULL YOUR PUNCHES. 452 00:16:22,549 --> 00:16:24,351 - I WON'T. I'M GONNA PUSH MY PUNCHES. 453 00:16:24,384 --> 00:16:25,785 AS FAR AS MY FIST CAN EXTEND. 454 00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:27,487 - ATTA GIRL. 455 00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:28,588 KIND OF. 456 00:16:28,621 --> 00:16:32,392 - WHAT UP, BIG T? STOP. 457 00:16:32,425 --> 00:16:34,327 THIS MUST BE THE LOVELY DONNA. 458 00:16:34,361 --> 00:16:36,329 ENCHANTE. 459 00:16:36,363 --> 00:16:38,465 LISTEN, BEAUTIFUL, LET'S CUT THE BULL. 460 00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:40,433 RIGHT? YOU WANT THIS. 461 00:16:40,467 --> 00:16:42,335 I DEFINITELY WANT THIS. T.H. WANTS THIS. 462 00:16:42,369 --> 00:16:43,470 [makes explosion sound] 463 00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:46,673 LET'S SEAL THIS DEVIL'S THREEWAY RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW. 464 00:16:46,706 --> 00:16:48,575 STEP ONE: WE BUY INTO THIS CLUB. 465 00:16:48,608 --> 00:16:50,710 STEP TWO: WE ROLL OVER TO THE CLUB, 466 00:16:50,743 --> 00:16:53,313 EITHER IN YOUR MERCEDES-BENZ OR MY PRE-OWNED ACURA LEGEND. 467 00:16:53,346 --> 00:16:56,616 STEP THREE: I DAGGER YOU ON THE DANCE FLOOR, 468 00:16:56,649 --> 00:16:58,118 JUST BOUNCE, BOUNCE, BOUNCE, BOUNCE. 469 00:16:58,151 --> 00:16:59,319 * AND NOW ALL THE LADIES SAY 470 00:16:59,352 --> 00:17:01,254 * BOUNCE, BOUNCE, BOUNCE, BOUNCE, BOUNCE * 471 00:17:01,288 --> 00:17:02,555 WHAT DO YOU SAY, SEXY? 472 00:17:02,589 --> 00:17:04,624 - I'M OUT. - WHY? 473 00:17:04,657 --> 00:17:07,527 - I HATE THAT GUY. 474 00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:09,362 - [sighs] 475 00:17:09,396 --> 00:17:11,164 - OH, MR. SWANSON. 476 00:17:11,198 --> 00:17:13,666 HI, WELCOME TO THE I.O.W. AWARDS, 477 00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:16,336 AND CONGRATULATIONS ON WINNING. 478 00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:17,504 - YAY. 479 00:17:17,537 --> 00:17:19,406 - WELL, HERE IS YOUR AWARDS PACKET, 480 00:17:19,439 --> 00:17:21,208 AND, UH, IF YOU WILL JUST FOLLOW ME, 481 00:17:21,241 --> 00:17:22,342 UH, WE'RE GONNA HAVE A LITTLE MEET AND GREET 482 00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:23,510 BEFORE THE CEREMONY. 483 00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:25,378 - OKAY. - GREAT. 484 00:17:25,412 --> 00:17:26,546 OH, UM, NO, I'M SORRY, 485 00:17:26,579 --> 00:17:28,648 THIS AREA IS FOR AWARD WINNERS ONLY. 486 00:17:28,681 --> 00:17:31,184 - OH, GET OVER YOURSELF, ELISE. 487 00:17:31,218 --> 00:17:33,820 - WORK ON THE SPEECH. LET'S NAIL THESE WOMEN. 488 00:17:33,853 --> 00:17:35,288 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. 489 00:17:35,322 --> 00:17:36,256 - YEAH. 490 00:17:36,289 --> 00:17:38,391 - I DON'T KNOW, ANDY. WHAT'S IT ALL ABOUT? 491 00:17:38,425 --> 00:17:40,327 WHAT'S THE SECRET? 492 00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:41,494 - YEAH. 493 00:17:41,528 --> 00:17:42,729 - WHY IS IT SO HARD TO BECOME A MOGUL? 494 00:17:42,762 --> 00:17:44,697 ALL I WANT IN LIFE IS TO OWN A NIGHTCLUB 495 00:17:44,731 --> 00:17:46,333 ON EVERY CONTINENT. 496 00:17:46,366 --> 00:17:47,534 HAVE MY OWN LINE OF UPSCALE SWEAT SUITS 497 00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:49,302 AND A COLOGNE CALLED TOMMY FRESH. 498 00:17:49,336 --> 00:17:51,338 AND I FELL $1,000 SHORT. 499 00:17:51,371 --> 00:17:53,740 - SERIOUSLY? THAT'S ALL YOU NEEDED? 500 00:17:53,773 --> 00:17:55,408 TOM, I HAVE $1,000. YOU CAN HAVE IT. 501 00:17:55,442 --> 00:17:57,277 - THANKS, ANDY, BUT I CAN'T TAKE YOUR MONEY. 502 00:17:57,310 --> 00:17:58,645 - I'M A SINGER-SONGWRITER. 503 00:17:58,678 --> 00:18:01,814 THE TWO LINES I PUT INTO EVERY SONG I'VE EVER SANG, 504 00:18:01,848 --> 00:18:03,316 "SPREAD YOUR WINGS AND FLY" 505 00:18:03,350 --> 00:18:04,717 AND "YOU DESERVE TO BE A CHAMPION." 506 00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:06,853 YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT ALL YOU NEED 507 00:18:06,886 --> 00:18:09,856 IS $1,000 TO DO YOUR DREAMS? 508 00:18:09,889 --> 00:18:13,126 THEN I WANT YOU TO HAVE IT. 509 00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:15,428 - ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS? 510 00:18:15,462 --> 00:18:16,796 - MAYBE. 511 00:18:16,829 --> 00:18:18,465 - YOU KNOW HOW HAPPY YOU JUST MADE ME? 512 00:18:18,498 --> 00:18:19,299 - [laughs] 513 00:18:19,332 --> 00:18:21,734 - HE'S THE DIRECTOR OF THE PAWNEE 514 00:18:21,768 --> 00:18:23,503 PARKS AND RECREATION DEPARTMENT. 515 00:18:23,536 --> 00:18:26,139 HE IS ALSO THE RECIPIENT OF THIS YEAR'S 516 00:18:26,173 --> 00:18:29,342 DOROTHY EVERTON SMYTHE FEMALE EMPOWERMENT AWARD. 517 00:18:29,376 --> 00:18:32,245 PLEASE PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR MR. RON SWANSON. 518 00:18:32,279 --> 00:18:35,282 [cheers and applause] 519 00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:45,692 - THANK YOU, THANK YOU. 520 00:18:45,725 --> 00:18:49,196 EVERY AWARD FROM THE SMALLEST TROPHY 521 00:18:49,229 --> 00:18:51,431 TO THE NOBEL PRIZE 522 00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:55,368 IS NOTHING MORE THAN... 523 00:19:00,707 --> 00:19:02,809 IS NOTHING MORE THAN A GREAT WAY 524 00:19:02,842 --> 00:19:04,444 TO HONOR SOMEONE. 525 00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:06,546 SO I WOULD LIKE TO PRESENT THIS YEAR'S 526 00:19:06,579 --> 00:19:09,482 DOTTIE ENGLISH WHATEVER AWARD 527 00:19:09,516 --> 00:19:12,285 TO THE PERSON WHO ACTUALLY DESERVES IT. 528 00:19:12,319 --> 00:19:14,421 LESLIE KNOPE. COME ON UP HERE, LESLIE. 529 00:19:14,454 --> 00:19:17,457 [cheers and applause] 530 00:19:20,293 --> 00:19:21,494 - THANK YOU. 531 00:19:21,528 --> 00:19:23,630 I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. 532 00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:26,533 UM, HONESTLY, I'M JUST VERY HONORED 533 00:19:26,566 --> 00:19:28,368 TO WORK FOR SOMEONE AS INSIGHTFUL AND KIND 534 00:19:28,401 --> 00:19:30,570 AS MY BOSS. 535 00:19:30,603 --> 00:19:33,673 SO I WOULD LIKE TO PRESENT THIS YEAR'S 536 00:19:33,706 --> 00:19:35,942 DOROTHY EVERTON SMYTHE AWARD 537 00:19:35,975 --> 00:19:40,680 TO RON SWANSON. 538 00:19:40,713 --> 00:19:43,583 - I DON'T WANT IT. JUST TAKE THE DAMN THING. 539 00:19:43,616 --> 00:19:44,717 - YOU DESERVE IT. - NO, NO, REALLY. 540 00:19:44,751 --> 00:19:45,985 - NO, RON, YOU DESERVE IT. 541 00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:47,354 - REALLY, BUT I DON'T WANT IT. 542 00:19:47,387 --> 00:19:48,455 - BUT YOU WON IT, AND YOU SHOULD WIN IT. 543 00:19:48,488 --> 00:19:50,457 - AFTER THAT WHOLE CONVERSATION-- 544 00:19:50,490 --> 00:19:51,324 - I'M BEING RIDICULOUS. - IF YOU DON'T-- 545 00:19:51,358 --> 00:19:52,625 - COULD SOMEONE PLEASE JUST TAKE IT? 546 00:19:52,659 --> 00:19:53,660 - OKAY, I'LL TAKE IT. 547 00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:55,495 WHO DO I SPEAK TO ABOUT GETTING THIS CHANGED? 548 00:19:55,528 --> 00:19:56,796 - GET OFF THE STAGE. 549 00:19:56,829 --> 00:20:00,433 - I STILL THINK AWARDS ARE STUPID. 550 00:20:00,467 --> 00:20:01,734 BUT THEY'D BE LESS STUPID IF THEY WENT TO 551 00:20:01,768 --> 00:20:04,771 THE RIGHT PEOPLE. 552 00:20:08,608 --> 00:20:10,543 - YOU GAVE TOM ALL YOUR MONEY? 553 00:20:10,577 --> 00:20:12,479 - YEAH. WELL, I'M INVESTING. 554 00:20:12,512 --> 00:20:14,914 I'M LIKE WARREN "BUFFAY." 555 00:20:14,947 --> 00:20:16,449 - I KIND OF FEEL LIKE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN 556 00:20:16,483 --> 00:20:17,584 GOOD FOR YOU TO HAVE YOUR OWN PLACE. 557 00:20:17,617 --> 00:20:19,419 - AH, YEAH, I KNOW. 558 00:20:19,452 --> 00:20:23,423 BUT I FEEL LIKE TOM REALLY NEEDED THE MONEY. 559 00:20:23,456 --> 00:20:25,392 AND SMALL SACRIFICE TO SEE ONE OF YOUR BEST FRIEND'S 560 00:20:25,425 --> 00:20:28,328 DREAMS COME TRUE. 561 00:20:28,361 --> 00:20:31,398 - [scoffs] 562 00:20:31,431 --> 00:20:32,365 - THEY CROPPED YOU OUT. 563 00:20:32,399 --> 00:20:33,733 - FIGURES. 564 00:20:33,766 --> 00:20:36,303 - SO WHERE ARE YOU GONNA PUT IT? 565 00:20:36,336 --> 00:20:37,404 - UH, I HAVE AN IDEA. 566 00:20:37,437 --> 00:20:39,439 ONE... 567 00:20:39,472 --> 00:20:42,542 both: TWO, THREE. 568 00:20:45,478 --> 00:20:48,481 - [chuckles] 569 00:20:58,591 --> 00:20:59,726 - WHAT'S UP? 570 00:20:59,759 --> 00:21:01,328 HEY, GUYS. HOW LONG DID YOU WAIT IN LINE? 571 00:21:01,361 --> 00:21:02,762 I DIDN'T WAIT AT ALL. I'M A PART OWNER. 572 00:21:02,795 --> 00:21:05,298 FREDDY. I'M BACK. 573 00:21:05,332 --> 00:21:06,833 TOM HAVERFORD, PART OWNER. 574 00:21:06,866 --> 00:21:08,535 LET ME KNOW IF YOU NEED ANYTHING. 575 00:21:08,568 --> 00:21:10,069 KEEP THIS BOOTH WARM FOR ME EVERY NIGHT. 576 00:21:10,102 --> 00:21:11,838 I'M GONNA LIVE IN THIS BOOTH. 577 00:21:11,871 --> 00:21:13,806 - [chuckles] 578 00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:17,844 - YES, SIR. 579 00:21:17,877 --> 00:21:19,746 DONNA? 580 00:21:19,779 --> 00:21:20,913 WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 581 00:21:20,947 --> 00:21:22,749 - I BOUGHT THREE SHARES. 582 00:21:22,782 --> 00:21:24,651 THANKS FOR THE TIP. 583 00:21:24,684 --> 00:21:25,718 - WHAT?