1 00:00:01,969 --> 00:00:04,638 - WE NOW GO LIVE TO COUNCILMAN BILL DEXHART, 2 00:00:04,672 --> 00:00:08,142 WHO'S GIVING A PRESS CONFERENCE ABOUT HIS SEX SCANDAL. 3 00:00:08,176 --> 00:00:12,646 [laughter] 4 00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:14,048 - YOU ARE GETTING A RARE GLIMPSE 5 00:00:14,082 --> 00:00:16,617 AT THIS EXCLUSIVE, GOVERNMENT-ONLY EVENT. 6 00:00:16,650 --> 00:00:19,387 EACH DECEMBER, ONE DEPARTMENT PUTS ON A SHOW 7 00:00:19,420 --> 00:00:20,654 THAT SPOOFS WHAT HAPPENED IN OUR TOWN. 8 00:00:20,688 --> 00:00:22,723 PREPARE TO LAUGH YOUR ASNOV! 9 00:00:22,756 --> 00:00:25,259 [chuckles] 10 00:00:25,293 --> 00:00:28,129 SID ASNOV IS A FORMER CITY COUNCILMAN. 11 00:00:28,162 --> 00:00:30,264 SOME OF THE JOKES ARE SORT OF INSIDE. 12 00:00:30,298 --> 00:00:31,432 - COUNCILMAN DEXHART, 13 00:00:31,465 --> 00:00:33,634 YOU'RE INVOLVED IN YET ANOTHER SCANDAL? 14 00:00:33,667 --> 00:00:37,505 THAT'S CRAZIER THAN MAYOR GUNDERSON'S DOG RUFUS. 15 00:00:37,538 --> 00:00:40,574 [laughter] 16 00:00:40,608 --> 00:00:43,711 - YES, THERE IS A NEW ONE, AND IT'S A DOOZY. 17 00:00:43,744 --> 00:00:45,513 I DON'T WANT TO GO INTO THE DETAILS, 18 00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:48,749 BUT LET ME JUST SAY THAT IT INVOLVES MULTIPLE WOMEN, 19 00:00:48,782 --> 00:00:54,455 A LOVE CHILD, NURSES, RABBIS, PRIESTS. 20 00:00:54,488 --> 00:00:56,557 [laughter] 21 00:00:56,590 --> 00:00:57,858 WELL, I HOPE YOU CAN ALL JOIN ME 22 00:00:57,891 --> 00:00:59,593 AT MY FUNDRAISER TONIGHT. 23 00:00:59,627 --> 00:01:01,562 I AM BEING SUPPORTED, OF COURSE, 24 00:01:01,595 --> 00:01:04,165 BY THE GLITTER FACTORY AND 1-800-MATTRESS. 25 00:01:04,198 --> 00:01:05,766 [laughter] 26 00:01:05,799 --> 00:01:08,502 HA HA HA HA! CLASSIC. 27 00:01:08,536 --> 00:01:10,604 - * PAWNEE IS A CITY THAT AIN'T VERY PRETTY * 28 00:01:10,638 --> 00:01:12,540 * AND GOOD GOVERNMENT IS OUR GOAL * 29 00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:14,542 - * WE MAY NOT BE BIG AND OUR MAYOR WEARS A WIG * 30 00:01:14,575 --> 00:01:16,644 * BUT AT LEAST THE RACCOON INFESTATION * 31 00:01:16,677 --> 00:01:17,545 * IS UNDER CONTROL 32 00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:23,384 - [all] * IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME 33 00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:29,690 * IN PAWNEE 34 00:01:29,723 --> 00:01:31,325 [cheers and applause] 35 00:01:31,359 --> 00:01:33,894 [triumphant music] 36 00:01:33,927 --> 00:01:42,136 * 37 00:01:51,379 --> 00:01:54,382 - LOT 48 WAS ONCE A HORRIBLE AND DISGUSTING PIT. 38 00:01:54,415 --> 00:01:57,851 AND NOW IT'S THE SITE OF PAWNEE'S WINTER WONDERLAND. 39 00:01:57,885 --> 00:02:00,421 THIS COULD NOT BE MORE PERFECT IF I HAD PLANNED IT MYSELF. 40 00:02:00,454 --> 00:02:02,856 WHICH I DID. AND IT'S AWESOME. 41 00:02:02,890 --> 00:02:04,392 SO LET'S TALK SCHEDGE, GUYS. 42 00:02:04,425 --> 00:02:06,627 THE KIDS ARE GONNA COME AT 9:00 A.M. ON SATURDAY, 43 00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:09,497 AND EVERYONE'S GONNA DO SANTA FOR TWO HOURS. 44 00:02:09,530 --> 00:02:10,864 SO I WOULD JUST ADVISE EVERYONE 45 00:02:10,898 --> 00:02:12,132 BEFORE YOU GET IN YOUR COSTUME 46 00:02:12,166 --> 00:02:14,635 TO GO TO THE BATHROOM SO WE CAN AVOID WHAT HAPPENED LAST YEAR. 47 00:02:14,668 --> 00:02:16,637 - IT WAS JUST FARTS. 48 00:02:16,670 --> 00:02:18,572 - 6:00 P.M., CAROLING WITH THE YOUTH CHOIR. 49 00:02:18,606 --> 00:02:21,342 AND I AM PROUD TO ANNOUNCE, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, 50 00:02:21,375 --> 00:02:23,244 THIS YEAR OUR TREE-LIGHTING CEREMONY 51 00:02:23,277 --> 00:02:25,313 WILL BE SIMULCAST ON INTERNET RADIO. 52 00:02:25,346 --> 00:02:27,615 THANK YOU. 53 00:02:27,648 --> 00:02:30,484 - THAT'S A REALLY BIG DEAL. - IT IS. THANK YOU. 54 00:02:30,518 --> 00:02:32,620 - LISTENING TO THAT TREE LIGHTING'S GONNA BE DOPE! 55 00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:35,389 - OKAY, ANY QUESTIONS, DIRECT THEM TO ME--DISMISSED. 56 00:02:35,423 --> 00:02:39,593 - HEY, UH, THERE WAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU 57 00:02:39,627 --> 00:02:40,694 ON THE WORK VOICEMAIL. 58 00:02:40,728 --> 00:02:42,596 COUNCILMAN DEXHART WANTS TO MEET WITH YOU 59 00:02:42,630 --> 00:02:45,266 AT 9:00 P.M.-- THE BOARDWALK LOUNGE. 60 00:02:45,299 --> 00:02:46,734 - SHUT UP. - NO. 61 00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:50,404 - I'M NOT SCARED. I GOT NOTHING TO APOLOGIZE FOR. 62 00:02:50,438 --> 00:02:52,440 I COULD HAVE BEEN A LOT HARDER ON HIM. 63 00:02:52,473 --> 00:02:53,441 HE GOT OFF EASY. 64 00:02:53,474 --> 00:02:54,708 AND OFTEN. 65 00:02:54,742 --> 00:02:56,510 [chuckles] 66 00:02:56,544 --> 00:02:58,612 THANK YOU. I'LL BE HERE ALL WEEK. 67 00:02:58,646 --> 00:03:01,682 - YOU GOTTA TELL ME ABOUT HIM. I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HIM. 68 00:03:01,715 --> 00:03:03,617 - OKAY, HE'S 23, HE'S KINDA MY BOYFRIEND. 69 00:03:03,651 --> 00:03:05,286 HE'S GAY. 70 00:03:05,319 --> 00:03:07,255 LAST YEAR WE GOT DRUNK AND HE TOOK ME TO THE ICE CAPADES, 71 00:03:07,288 --> 00:03:08,756 AND I DIDN'T GET HIM ANYTHING. 72 00:03:08,789 --> 00:03:10,458 AND HE'S GAY? - YEAH. 73 00:03:10,491 --> 00:03:11,559 - BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN DVD. 74 00:03:11,592 --> 00:03:12,593 - NO. - FELLAS LOVE THAT. 75 00:03:12,626 --> 00:03:13,694 - NO. 76 00:03:13,727 --> 00:03:15,229 - DOES HE ALREADY HAVE, LIKE, CHAPS? 77 00:03:15,263 --> 00:03:17,365 LIKE, ASSLESS CHAPS? - YOU KNOW WHAT, FORGET IT. 78 00:03:17,398 --> 00:03:19,400 - OKAY, UH, WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME? 79 00:03:19,433 --> 00:03:22,670 - BECAUSE, I DON'T KNOW, THERE'S NO ONE ELSE TO ASK. 80 00:03:22,703 --> 00:03:24,004 AND AT LEAST YOU'RE KIND OF YOUNG. 81 00:03:24,037 --> 00:03:25,406 - ALL RIGHT, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. 82 00:03:25,439 --> 00:03:27,007 I'M GONNA THINK ABOUT IT. 83 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,642 THROUGH THE COURSE OF ALL DAY I'M GONNA MULL IT OVER. 84 00:03:28,676 --> 00:03:30,511 IT'S ALL I'M GONNA THINK ABOUT. BUT YOU'RE IN GOOD HANDS. 85 00:03:30,544 --> 00:03:32,346 I'M GONNA COME UP WITH SOMETHING REALLY, REALLY GOOD. 86 00:03:32,380 --> 00:03:33,347 - REALLY? - YEAH. 87 00:03:33,381 --> 00:03:34,415 - ALL RIGHT. - YOU GOT THAT? 88 00:03:34,448 --> 00:03:37,685 - YEAH. THANKS. 89 00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:39,820 - COUNCILMAN DEXHART, I'M LESLIE KNOPE. 90 00:03:39,853 --> 00:03:42,990 - THANK YOU FOR MEETING ME. - IT'S MY PLEASURE. 91 00:03:43,023 --> 00:03:44,925 I AM ASSUMING THIS IS ABOUT MY PERFORMANCE 92 00:03:44,958 --> 00:03:47,495 IN THE GOVERNMENT FOLLIES LAST NIGHT. 93 00:03:47,528 --> 00:03:49,830 I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY THAT I HAVE NOTHING TO APOLOGIZE FOR. 94 00:03:49,863 --> 00:03:52,533 EXCEPT FOR PERHAPS BEING TOO INCISIVE. 95 00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:54,902 - I DON'T WANT YOU TO APOLOGIZE. 96 00:03:54,935 --> 00:03:56,837 I WANT TO KNOW WHO TOLD YOU. 97 00:03:56,870 --> 00:03:58,372 - WHO TOLD ME? - MM-HMM. 98 00:03:58,406 --> 00:04:02,009 - NOBODY. NOBODY TOLD ME NUTTIN'! 99 00:04:02,042 --> 00:04:03,744 WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT? 100 00:04:03,777 --> 00:04:05,012 - WELL, BASED ON THAT SKIT, 101 00:04:05,045 --> 00:04:06,514 I KNOW YOU'VE HEARD ABOUT THE NEW SCANDAL 102 00:04:06,547 --> 00:04:07,615 THAT'S ABOUT TO BREAK. 103 00:04:07,648 --> 00:04:10,551 WHO TOLD YOU? 104 00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:11,552 WAS IT THE BABYSITTER? 105 00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:13,487 WAS IT THE NURSE WHO DELIVERED OUR LOVE CHILD? 106 00:04:13,521 --> 00:04:14,622 - WHAT? - OH, STOP PLAYING DUMB. 107 00:04:14,655 --> 00:04:16,524 YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WHAT HAPPENED. 108 00:04:16,557 --> 00:04:18,559 I GOT THE BABYSITTER PREGNANT. 109 00:04:18,592 --> 00:04:19,960 THEN, WHEN SHE WAS IN THE DELIVERY ROOM, 110 00:04:19,993 --> 00:04:21,795 I HAD SEX WITH NOT ONE 111 00:04:21,829 --> 00:04:24,665 BUT FOUR NURSES IN A SUPPLY CLOSET. 112 00:04:24,698 --> 00:04:26,534 AS WELL AS A WOMAN WHOSE HUSBAND 113 00:04:26,567 --> 00:04:28,636 WAS GETTING A LIVER TRANSPLANT. 114 00:04:28,669 --> 00:04:29,437 HMM. 115 00:04:29,470 --> 00:04:32,540 NOW, WHICH ONE OF THEM TOLD YOU? 116 00:04:32,573 --> 00:04:33,841 WAS IT THE LIVER LADY? 117 00:04:33,874 --> 00:04:37,411 - WELL, I--NO ONE-- I HAVEN'T-- 118 00:04:37,445 --> 00:04:40,614 I HAVEN'T HEARD ANY OF THIS EVER IN MY WHOLE LIFE. 119 00:04:40,648 --> 00:04:41,549 - OH. 120 00:04:41,582 --> 00:04:43,317 - BELIEVE ME, I WOULD HAVE REMEMBERED THIS. 121 00:04:43,351 --> 00:04:45,786 - OKAY. WELL, IN THAT CASE, 122 00:04:45,819 --> 00:04:49,357 EVERYTHING I JUST TOLD YOU WAS JUST A FUNNY PRANK. 123 00:04:49,390 --> 00:04:53,026 [chuckles] 124 00:04:54,928 --> 00:04:57,531 - OH, HI. HOW WAS YOUR MEETING? 125 00:04:57,565 --> 00:04:59,600 - IT WAS FINE. 126 00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:01,101 PRETTY STRAIGHTFORWARD. 127 00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:03,103 SHORT MEETING. YOU KNOW, HE'S A BUSY GUY. 128 00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:05,105 - YES, VERY BUSY. LOOK AT THIS ARTICLE. 129 00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:07,575 - NO! 130 00:05:07,608 --> 00:05:12,680 WHAT THE-- 131 00:05:12,713 --> 00:05:15,849 - THE STORY OF THIS STORY IS THAT IT WON'T STOP DEVELOPING. 132 00:05:15,883 --> 00:05:18,386 THE MYSTERY WOMAN WHO MET WITH COUNCILMAN DEXHART LAST NIGHT 133 00:05:18,419 --> 00:05:22,122 APPEARS TO BE A GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE NAMED LESLIE NORP. 134 00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:23,924 - OH, MY GOD. OH, GOD. 135 00:05:23,957 --> 00:05:26,627 - ACCORDING TO UNCONFIRMED REPORTS IN THE PAWNEE SUN, 136 00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:29,597 THE TWO BENT AN ELBOW AT THIS LOCAL WATERING HOLE. 137 00:05:29,630 --> 00:05:30,531 AND ALTHOUGH THEY LEFT SEPARATELY, 138 00:05:30,564 --> 00:05:33,667 NO ONE KNOWS WHERE THEY WOKE UP TOGETHER. 139 00:05:33,701 --> 00:05:37,037 PERD HAPLEY, CHANNEL 4 NEWS. 140 00:05:40,941 --> 00:05:42,510 - ALL I DID WAS WRITE AND PERFORM IN ONE AMAZING SKIT. 141 00:05:42,543 --> 00:05:43,977 - LESLIE, IT'S THE PAWNEE SUN. 142 00:05:44,011 --> 00:05:44,778 IT'S A TABLOID. 143 00:05:44,812 --> 00:05:46,614 NOBODY ELSE HAS WRITTEN ABOUT IT. 144 00:05:46,647 --> 00:05:47,881 - YEAH, NO ONE BELIEVES THAT GARBAGE. 145 00:05:47,915 --> 00:05:49,617 NOBODY EVEN READS THAT THING. 146 00:05:49,650 --> 00:05:52,420 - LESLIE, WHAT? NICE WORK, GIRL. 147 00:05:52,453 --> 00:05:53,987 - OH, GOD. 148 00:05:54,021 --> 00:05:56,156 HOW DO I FIGHT BACK? GIVE ME SOME OPTIONS. 149 00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:59,560 - DO YOU WANT ME TO SEDUCE PERD HAPLEY? 150 00:05:59,593 --> 00:06:00,894 - HOW WOULD THAT HELP? 151 00:06:00,928 --> 00:06:02,630 - I DON'T KNOW. 152 00:06:02,663 --> 00:06:04,765 I JUST WANT TO SEE IF I CAN DO IT. 153 00:06:04,798 --> 00:06:06,133 - APRIL, I APPRECIATE THAT, BUT I DON'T THINK IT'S SOMETHING 154 00:06:06,166 --> 00:06:07,935 WORTH LOSING YOUR VIRGINITY OVER. 155 00:06:07,968 --> 00:06:11,104 - LESLIE, I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS IMPORTANT OR NOT, 156 00:06:11,138 --> 00:06:14,007 BUT I HAVE HEARD A LOT OF VERY, VERY INTERESTING CHATTER 157 00:06:14,041 --> 00:06:14,975 AROUND THE SHOESHINE STAND TODAY. 158 00:06:15,008 --> 00:06:16,510 - OH, MY GOD, REALLY? 159 00:06:16,544 --> 00:06:17,745 WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD? - A LOT OF THINGS. 160 00:06:17,778 --> 00:06:19,947 UH, LIKE, "CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?" 161 00:06:19,980 --> 00:06:22,115 AND "THE PARKS LADY BONED DEXHART." 162 00:06:22,149 --> 00:06:25,018 AND "OF COURSE SHE DID. SHE'S TOTALLY GOOD TO GO." 163 00:06:25,052 --> 00:06:27,555 AND ONE GUY WAS LIKE, "I WOULDN'T HIT THAT." 164 00:06:27,588 --> 00:06:28,989 AND THE OTHER GUY WAS LIKE, "ME NEITHER." 165 00:06:29,022 --> 00:06:30,891 THEN THIS THIRD GUY WAS LIKE, "I WOULD." 166 00:06:30,924 --> 00:06:33,994 SO I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S HELPFUL AT ALL. 167 00:06:34,027 --> 00:06:37,064 - WELL, KEEP YOUR EAR TO THE GROUND. 168 00:06:37,097 --> 00:06:38,966 - OKAY. I'LL JUST-- 169 00:06:38,999 --> 00:06:41,502 - I'M NOT GONNA LET THESE PEOPLE INTIMIDATE ME. 170 00:06:41,535 --> 00:06:43,704 I'M GONNA DO MY JOB. 171 00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:45,506 I WOULD BE LYING IF I SAID THAT I NEVER THOUGHT 172 00:06:45,539 --> 00:06:47,641 I WOULD BE INVOLVED IN AN INCIDENT LIKE THIS. 173 00:06:47,675 --> 00:06:50,177 EXCEPT I ALWAYS ASSUMED THAT I WOULD BE THE POLITICIAN, 174 00:06:50,210 --> 00:06:52,980 AND THE MAN WOULD BE ACCUSED OF SLEEPING WITH ME. 175 00:06:53,013 --> 00:06:55,983 AND THAT MAN WOULD BE THE VICE PRESIDENT. 176 00:06:56,016 --> 00:06:58,185 AND I WOULD BE THE PRESIDENT. 177 00:06:58,218 --> 00:07:00,854 OKAY, ALL RIGHT, WELL, YOU LOOK GOOD. 178 00:07:00,888 --> 00:07:01,955 YOU NEED TO PUT SOME TIGHTS ON, THOUGH. 179 00:07:01,989 --> 00:07:03,824 AND I WANT YOU TO MAKE SURE YOU KEEP YOUR NECKLINE 180 00:07:03,857 --> 00:07:04,925 NICE AND HIGH. 181 00:07:04,958 --> 00:07:07,094 - LESLIE KNOPE? ALEXA SOFTCASTLE, PAWNEE SUN. 182 00:07:07,127 --> 00:07:08,962 CAN I ASK YOU A FEW QUESTIONS? 183 00:07:08,996 --> 00:07:09,830 - DON'T SAY ANYTHING. 184 00:07:09,863 --> 00:07:11,999 - I'M NOT AFRAID TO SAY ANYTHING, OKAY? 185 00:07:12,032 --> 00:07:13,200 I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE. 186 00:07:13,233 --> 00:07:15,936 I'VE NEVER EVEN MET COUNCILMAN DEXHART BEFORE YESTERDAY, 187 00:07:15,969 --> 00:07:17,771 AND THAT'S ALL I WANT TO SAY ABOUT THE MATTER. 188 00:07:17,805 --> 00:07:19,106 - SOME PEOPLE ARE SAYING THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME 189 00:07:19,139 --> 00:07:21,108 THAT YOU'VE HAD SEX WITH A MARRIED COUNCILMAN. 190 00:07:21,141 --> 00:07:22,976 - WHO'S SAYING THAT? 191 00:07:23,010 --> 00:07:24,878 - SOME PEOPLE. 192 00:07:24,912 --> 00:07:27,681 - OKAY, THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER. 193 00:07:27,715 --> 00:07:30,684 - GO HOME, LAY LOW, THE TRUTH WILL COME OUT. 194 00:07:30,718 --> 00:07:32,185 - I CAN'T. I HAVE TOO MUCH WORK TO DO. 195 00:07:32,219 --> 00:07:35,022 THIS DEPARTMENT IS NOT GONNA DEPUTY-DIRECT ITSELF. 196 00:07:35,055 --> 00:07:36,690 - I THINK WE CAN MANAGE. 197 00:07:36,724 --> 00:07:40,728 JUST GIVE ME YOUR SCHEDULE AND WE'LL COVER FOR YOU. 198 00:07:40,761 --> 00:07:45,098 OKAY, I'VE MADE COPIES OF LESLIE'S DAILY WORK SCHEDULE. 199 00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:46,534 SO WE'LL JUST SPLIT INTO TEAMS, 200 00:07:46,567 --> 00:07:51,138 AND EACH TEAM WILL TAKE... [muttering] 201 00:07:51,171 --> 00:07:55,142 DAMN, TEN ITEMS... AND WE'LL KNOCK THIS OUT. 202 00:07:55,175 --> 00:07:56,944 - I SWEAR TO YOU, I NEVER EVEN MET THE GUY 203 00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:57,978 BEFORE LAST NIGHT. 204 00:07:58,011 --> 00:08:00,080 - IT'S OKAY. I BELIEVE YOU. 205 00:08:00,113 --> 00:08:01,615 - YOU DO? - OF COURSE. 206 00:08:01,649 --> 00:08:04,785 I THINK I KNOW YOU PRETTY WELL. 207 00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:05,953 THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE YOU. 208 00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:07,187 - THANK YOU. 209 00:08:07,220 --> 00:08:08,589 - IF I EVER SEE THAT GUY, 210 00:08:08,622 --> 00:08:09,857 I'M GONNA PUNCH HIM RIGHT IN THE FACE. 211 00:08:09,890 --> 00:08:13,060 - YEAH, THAT'S SWEET. USE YOUR NIGHT STICK. 212 00:08:13,093 --> 00:08:14,595 - WHICH MEETING IS THIS? 213 00:08:14,628 --> 00:08:18,165 - THE ORGANIZATION OF LOCAL AUDITING SYSTEMS. 214 00:08:18,198 --> 00:08:20,534 - KILL ME. 215 00:08:20,568 --> 00:08:22,035 - ALL RIGHT, FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS... 216 00:08:22,069 --> 00:08:25,038 UH, LESLIE-- WHERE'S LESLIE? 217 00:08:25,072 --> 00:08:28,275 - UM, I GAVE HER THE DAY OFF, PAUL. 218 00:08:28,308 --> 00:08:30,778 I THOUGHT THAT WAS BEST. - OH, YEAH. THAT'S GOOD. 219 00:08:30,811 --> 00:08:33,213 SO YOU'LL BE MAKING THE PRESENTATION THEN, RON. 220 00:08:33,246 --> 00:08:37,150 - YEP. YES. 221 00:08:37,184 --> 00:08:39,920 - HEY, SO, UH... [clears throat] 222 00:08:39,953 --> 00:08:42,089 THAT KIND OF BRINGS US TO WHAT I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT. 223 00:08:42,122 --> 00:08:43,156 I, UH-- 224 00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:45,058 YOU KNOW, MY-- [clears throat] 225 00:08:45,092 --> 00:08:47,928 ARMY RESERVE UNIT--- 226 00:08:47,961 --> 00:08:49,930 WE GOT CALLED UP TO ACTIVE DUTY. 227 00:08:49,963 --> 00:08:51,932 I SHIP OUT IN FOUR DAYS. 228 00:08:51,965 --> 00:08:55,035 - OH, MY GOD. WHERE ARE YOU GOING? 229 00:08:55,068 --> 00:08:56,269 - SAN DIEGO. 230 00:08:56,303 --> 00:08:57,705 - OH, MY GOD! 231 00:08:57,738 --> 00:08:59,206 - IT'S NOT DANGEROUS. 232 00:08:59,239 --> 00:09:00,774 IT'S MOSTLY MAINTENANCE. 233 00:09:00,808 --> 00:09:03,010 BUT I'M GOING FOR, LIKE, A YEAR. 234 00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:05,078 MAYBE 18 MONTHS. 235 00:09:05,112 --> 00:09:08,181 AND I WAS KIND OF HOPING THAT MAYBE 236 00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:09,983 YOU'D WANT TO COME WITH-- WITH ME. 237 00:09:10,017 --> 00:09:14,254 LIKE ON A PERMANENT-TYPE BASIS. 238 00:09:14,287 --> 00:09:15,889 I DON'T KNOW, IT'S-- 239 00:09:15,923 --> 00:09:18,158 IT'S KIND OF A WEIRD QUESTION. 240 00:09:18,191 --> 00:09:21,929 I MEAN, I JOINED TO PUT MYSELF THROUGH COLLEGE, 241 00:09:21,962 --> 00:09:25,899 AND, UH, IT'S, YOU KNOW, I'M JUST A DESK JOCKEY, 242 00:09:25,933 --> 00:09:27,935 BUT IT'S-- IT'S REWARDING. 243 00:09:27,968 --> 00:09:33,173 SO YEAH, I GUESS I'M IN LOVE WITH THE ARMY. 244 00:09:33,206 --> 00:09:34,942 OH, LESLIE. WELL, YEAH. 245 00:09:34,975 --> 00:09:37,678 YEAH, THAT MAKES A LOT MORE SENSE. 246 00:09:37,711 --> 00:09:40,648 YEAH, I'M DEFINITELY IN LOVE WITH LESLIE. 247 00:09:40,681 --> 00:09:42,182 IT'S--IT'S AFFIRMATIVE. 248 00:09:42,215 --> 00:09:45,352 I--I KNOW THIS SEEMS KIND OF FAST, 249 00:09:45,385 --> 00:09:46,820 BUT I FEEL LIKE WE-- 250 00:09:46,854 --> 00:09:48,021 I FEEL LIKE WE GOT SOMETHING HERE. 251 00:09:48,055 --> 00:09:50,157 - I DO TOO. 252 00:09:50,190 --> 00:09:51,992 - YEAH? - YEAH. 253 00:09:52,025 --> 00:09:53,761 - WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER RIGHT AWAY. 254 00:09:53,794 --> 00:09:56,930 BUT YOU KINDA DO. I MEAN, I NEED TO KNOW...SOON. 255 00:09:56,964 --> 00:09:59,967 [clears throat] 256 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:01,201 - WOW. - YEAH. 257 00:10:01,234 --> 00:10:02,269 - ARE YOU GONNA GO? 258 00:10:02,302 --> 00:10:05,238 - THIS WHOLE DEXHART THING IS NOT MAKING ME FEEL 259 00:10:05,272 --> 00:10:07,040 VERY ATTACHED TO PAWNEE RIGHT NOW. 260 00:10:07,074 --> 00:10:10,343 - SAN DIEGO, JEEZ. - YEAH. 261 00:10:10,377 --> 00:10:11,879 - YOU COULD LEARN HOW TO SURF. 262 00:10:11,912 --> 00:10:13,046 - I KNOW HOW TO SURF. 263 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:14,815 I TOOK LESSONS WHEN I WAS A KID. 264 00:10:14,848 --> 00:10:18,118 I'M ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD. - I BET YOU ARE. 265 00:10:18,151 --> 00:10:20,921 I WOULD MISS LESLIE LIKE CRAZY. 266 00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:24,892 - AWW... 267 00:10:24,925 --> 00:10:27,160 - ALL RIGHT, SORTED OUT THAT PAYROLL ISSUE--THIS IS DONE. 268 00:10:27,194 --> 00:10:29,162 - "BRING A CASE OF BEER TO SANITATION." WHY? 269 00:10:29,196 --> 00:10:31,298 - LET'S SKIP THAT ONE. THEY CAN BUY THEIR OWN BEER. 270 00:10:31,331 --> 00:10:33,033 I'M GETTING HUNGRY. LET'S GET SOMETHING TO EAT. 271 00:10:33,066 --> 00:10:34,334 HEY, HAVE YOU FIGURED OUT 272 00:10:34,367 --> 00:10:35,335 WHAT YOU'RE GETTING ANN FOR CHRISTMAS? 273 00:10:35,368 --> 00:10:38,038 - OH, I GOT HER A PRETTY GREAT COMPUTER BAG. 274 00:10:38,071 --> 00:10:40,140 - YEAH? THAT'S A TERRIBLE GIFT. 275 00:10:40,173 --> 00:10:42,075 - NO, NO, TOM, SHE NEEDS ONE. 276 00:10:42,109 --> 00:10:43,944 SHE MENTIONED IT TO ME TWO MONTHS AGO, 277 00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:45,012 AND I WROTE IT DOWN. 278 00:10:45,045 --> 00:10:47,715 THAT'S WHAT'S CALLED BEING AN AMAZING BOYFRIEND. 279 00:10:47,748 --> 00:10:50,984 - HAVE YOU SEEN ANN? YOU KNOW HOW HOT SHE IS? 280 00:10:51,018 --> 00:10:53,887 MEN GIVE WOMEN OF THAT CALIBER SPEED BOATS, 281 00:10:53,921 --> 00:10:56,890 PRIVATE JETS... NOT COMPUTER BAGS. 282 00:10:56,924 --> 00:10:58,692 - OKAY, WHAT DO YOU THINK I SHOULD GET HER? 283 00:10:58,726 --> 00:11:00,393 - DIAMONDS. CAN'T GO WRONG WITH DIAMONDS. 284 00:11:00,427 --> 00:11:02,095 - DIAMONDS? 285 00:11:02,129 --> 00:11:03,163 - THERE ISN'T A WOMAN ALIVE WHO DOESN'T LOVE DIAMONDS. 286 00:11:03,196 --> 00:11:04,698 EVEN THE SUPER-LEFT-WING CHICKS 287 00:11:04,732 --> 00:11:06,199 THAT SAW BLOOD DIAMOND AND CRIED... 288 00:11:06,233 --> 00:11:08,035 WHEN THEY GET A DIAMOND, THEY'RE, LIKE, 289 00:11:08,068 --> 00:11:10,170 "YEAH, BITCH, GIMME MORE OF THEM BLOOD DIAMONDS! 290 00:11:10,203 --> 00:11:12,005 MAKE 'EM EXTRA BLOODY." 291 00:11:12,039 --> 00:11:14,775 TRUST ME. 292 00:11:14,808 --> 00:11:16,910 - WE ARE HERE LOOKING AT A VIDEOTAPE. 293 00:11:16,944 --> 00:11:19,312 THIS IS BACK IN APRIL, 2005. 294 00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:21,081 WE SEE HERE WE'RE LOOKING AT COUNCILMAN DEXHART. 295 00:11:21,114 --> 00:11:21,915 - LESLIE, YOU SHOULD SEE THIS. 296 00:11:21,949 --> 00:11:24,417 - AND HE'S NOW ABOUT TO SHAKE HANDS 297 00:11:24,451 --> 00:11:27,387 WITH LESLIE KNOPE, THE ALLEGED SEX TOY. 298 00:11:27,420 --> 00:11:29,990 - OH, FOR CRIPES SAKE. 299 00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:32,492 - LOOK AT THE WAY SHE'S SMILING AT HIM. 300 00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:34,061 AND THEN ALMOST UNCONSCIOUSLY 301 00:11:34,094 --> 00:11:35,863 TOUCHING HER HANDS TO HER HIPS. 302 00:11:35,896 --> 00:11:38,031 SEE THAT? RIGHT THERE. 303 00:11:38,065 --> 00:11:40,200 IT'S LIKE SHE'S SENDING HIM A MESSAGE 304 00:11:40,233 --> 00:11:41,268 THAT SHE'S READY FOR CHILDBEARING. 305 00:11:41,301 --> 00:11:43,436 - WOW. - IN A 24-HOUR NEWS CYCLE, 306 00:11:43,470 --> 00:11:46,740 THE TINIEST STORY GETS DISSECTED OVER AND OVER AGAIN. 307 00:11:46,774 --> 00:11:50,343 IN 2004, A KID FROM PAWNEE WENT TO THE OLYMPICS, 308 00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:53,814 AND IT WAS REPORTED ON FOR OVER A YEAR. 309 00:11:53,847 --> 00:11:55,382 HE WASN'T EVEN COMPETING OR ANYTHING. 310 00:11:55,415 --> 00:11:58,819 HE JUST WAS GOING, LITERALLY, TO WATCH THE OLYMPICS. 311 00:12:05,859 --> 00:12:08,028 - IT WAS WAY TOO EASY TO GET THIS GUY HERE. 312 00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:10,964 - COUNCILMAN DEXHART, THIS HAS GONE FAR ENOUGH. 313 00:12:10,998 --> 00:12:12,499 I WANT YOU TO HOLD A PRESS CONFERENCE 314 00:12:12,532 --> 00:12:13,500 AND CLEAR MY NAME. 315 00:12:13,533 --> 00:12:16,036 - MMM, NO, THANKS. - WHY NOT? 316 00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:17,037 WHAT'S IN IT FOR YOU? 317 00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:18,939 - WELL, TO BE HONEST, BEING LINKED TO LESLIE 318 00:12:18,972 --> 00:12:20,808 IS A LOT LESS DAMNING THAN THE REAL STORY. 319 00:12:20,841 --> 00:12:23,877 YOU'RE LIKE A GLASS OF WHOLE MILK. 320 00:12:23,911 --> 00:12:26,346 WHAT ARE YOU, LUTHERAN? I LOVE LUTHERANS. 321 00:12:26,379 --> 00:12:29,016 - COUNCILMAN, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, GET A GRIP. 322 00:12:29,049 --> 00:12:30,083 IF YOU DON'T HOLD A PRESS CONFERENCE, 323 00:12:30,117 --> 00:12:32,252 I'M GONNA COME FORWARD AND TELL THE WHOLE STORY. 324 00:12:32,285 --> 00:12:33,821 - IT WON'T DO YOU ANY GOOD. 325 00:12:33,854 --> 00:12:36,924 TAKE IT FROM ME, DENYING ONLY MAKES THINGS WORSE. 326 00:12:36,957 --> 00:12:37,925 LISTEN, I GOTTA GO. 327 00:12:37,958 --> 00:12:40,127 I'M EXPECTED AT TWO DIFFERENT MATERNITY WARDS. 328 00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:43,997 BUT BEFORE I GO, I'D BE REMISS IF I DIDN'T ASK-- 329 00:12:44,031 --> 00:12:46,033 SHOULD WE? 330 00:12:46,066 --> 00:12:47,935 - OH, MY GOD! 331 00:12:47,968 --> 00:12:48,936 - PEOPLE ALREADY THINK WE DID IT. 332 00:12:48,969 --> 00:12:50,003 YOU'VE GOT NOTHING TO LOSE. 333 00:12:50,037 --> 00:12:51,905 I'M VERY GOOD. - GET OUTTA HERE! 334 00:12:51,939 --> 00:12:52,906 - ALL RIGHT, FINE. 335 00:12:52,940 --> 00:12:55,375 - SHOE SHINE. SHOE SHINE. 336 00:12:55,408 --> 00:12:57,110 OH, HEY. - HEY. 337 00:12:57,144 --> 00:12:59,079 - I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT YOUR GAY BOYFRIEND ALL DAY. 338 00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:00,814 I HAVE GOT SOME AWESOME IDEAS. 339 00:13:00,848 --> 00:13:02,182 - OKAY. 340 00:13:02,215 --> 00:13:05,485 FIRST IDEA: SPRAY TAN GIFT CERTIFICATES. 341 00:13:05,518 --> 00:13:08,889 - UH...NO. 342 00:13:08,922 --> 00:13:11,358 - TRIP TO GERMANY. GERMANY IS AWESOME. 343 00:13:11,391 --> 00:13:13,093 - AND EXPENSIVE. 344 00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:15,829 - GOOD CALL. I DIDN'T THINK OF THAT. 345 00:13:15,863 --> 00:13:17,497 - OKAY, YOU KNOW HOW PEOPLE SAY 346 00:13:17,530 --> 00:13:19,933 THAT YOU SHOULD GIVE GIFTS THAT YOU WOULD WANT TO GET YOURSELF? 347 00:13:19,967 --> 00:13:21,001 WHAT WOULD YOU WANT? 348 00:13:21,034 --> 00:13:23,536 - EASY. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS REGGIE WAYNE JERSEY-- 349 00:13:23,570 --> 00:13:25,438 NUMBER 87, DOUBLE-XL, HOME BLUE, 350 00:13:25,472 --> 00:13:27,440 SIGNED BY REGGIE WAYNE RIGHT AFTER HE CATCHES A TOUCHDOWN 351 00:13:27,474 --> 00:13:28,976 TO WIN THE SUPER BOWL. 352 00:13:29,009 --> 00:13:32,846 - OKAY, NEVER MIND. - NO? 353 00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:35,415 HIP-HOP ABS DANCE FITNESS DVD. 354 00:13:35,448 --> 00:13:39,052 - WE JUST RECEIVED THESE EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS. 355 00:13:39,086 --> 00:13:40,921 WE HAVE PICTURES OF CITY COUNCILMAN DEXHART... 356 00:13:40,954 --> 00:13:43,991 - OH, MY GOD! I CANNOT BELIEVE IT! 357 00:13:44,024 --> 00:13:47,427 - THE BIG ISSUE NOW IS WHO IS THIS MYSTERY WOMAN? 358 00:13:47,460 --> 00:13:51,431 SHE AND KNOPE ARE STANDING VERY CLOSE TO EACH OTHER. 359 00:13:51,464 --> 00:13:52,933 AND ANYTIME YOU SEE TWO WOMEN 360 00:13:52,966 --> 00:13:54,968 STANDING VERY CLOSE TO EACH OTHER, 361 00:13:55,002 --> 00:13:56,036 YOU IMMEDIATELY ASSUME... - NO, NO, DON'T SAY IT. 362 00:13:56,069 --> 00:13:57,971 PLEASE DON'T SAY IT. - LESBIAN. 363 00:13:58,005 --> 00:13:59,406 - OH, OF COURSE. - WHAT? 364 00:13:59,439 --> 00:14:03,043 - IT IS A VERITABLE STORM OF INFORMATION 365 00:14:03,076 --> 00:14:04,912 COMING IN TO THE STUDIOS HERE TODAY. 366 00:14:04,945 --> 00:14:06,980 - HI, THIS IS LESLIE KNOPE, AND I WOULD LIKE JOAN 367 00:14:07,014 --> 00:14:08,115 TO CLEAR ALL OF HER GUESTS TOMORROW 368 00:14:08,148 --> 00:14:09,116 BECAUSE I'M COMING ON THE SHOW. 369 00:14:09,149 --> 00:14:11,251 IF YOU THINK THAT YOU CAN DRAG ME AND MY FRIEND 370 00:14:11,284 --> 00:14:12,953 THROUGH THE MUD, THEN YOU'VE GOT-- 371 00:14:12,986 --> 00:14:14,087 YES, I'LL HOLD. 372 00:14:17,624 --> 00:14:18,658 - IT'S UNBELIEVABLE. - HEY. 373 00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:20,260 - WHAT HAPPENED? 374 00:14:20,293 --> 00:14:22,262 - GOT A CALL FROM SOME PANICKY MORNING JOGGERS. 375 00:14:22,295 --> 00:14:24,965 APPARENTLY SANITATION DIDN'T EMPTY THIS DUMPSTER, 376 00:14:24,998 --> 00:14:27,167 TO THE RACCOONS' DELIGHT. 377 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,269 - I THOUGHT RACCOONS WERE SUPPOSED TO BE NOCTURNAL. 378 00:14:29,302 --> 00:14:30,370 - NOT IN THIS TOWN, SWEETHEART. 379 00:14:30,403 --> 00:14:32,439 IN THIS TOWN, THEY'RE 24/7. 380 00:14:32,472 --> 00:14:35,275 WE CAN'T HAVE RACCOONS FOR THE CHRISTMAS THING. 381 00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:37,945 THEY'LL HUNT THE KIDS FOR SPORT. 382 00:14:37,978 --> 00:14:39,412 FESS UP, GUYS. WHO DROPPED THE BALL? 383 00:14:39,446 --> 00:14:42,549 - BRING A CASE OF BEER TO SANITATION. 384 00:14:42,582 --> 00:14:44,184 - BRING A CASE OF-- 385 00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:45,919 YEAH, THIS ONE'S OUR FAULT, RON. 386 00:14:45,953 --> 00:14:47,454 AND WE WILL TAKE CARE OF THIS FOR YOU. 387 00:14:47,487 --> 00:14:50,490 - OKAY GOOD, BECAUSE I HAVE TO RUN A PUBLIC FORUM, 388 00:14:50,523 --> 00:14:52,192 SUPERVISE THE MAINTENANCE CREWS, 389 00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:55,262 AND TEACH CRAFTS AT THE SENIOR CENTER. 390 00:14:55,295 --> 00:14:56,629 SIMULTANEOUSLY. 391 00:14:56,663 --> 00:14:58,999 - JOAN, I JUST WANTED TO SAY THANK YOU 392 00:14:59,032 --> 00:15:01,034 FOR LETTING ME BE ON YOUR SHOW. 393 00:15:01,068 --> 00:15:03,203 I'M REALLY HAPPY THAT I HAVE THE CHANCE TO CLEAR MY NAME. 394 00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:05,238 - SURE. I SEE YOU BROUGHT YOUR GIRLFRIEND FOR SUPPORT. 395 00:15:05,272 --> 00:15:08,175 THAT'S NICE. - WHAT? 396 00:15:08,208 --> 00:15:10,110 OH, NO, SHE'S NOT-- - AND IN FIVE, JOAN... 397 00:15:10,143 --> 00:15:11,244 - SHE'S A--WE'RE-- - FOUR, THREE... 398 00:15:11,278 --> 00:15:12,479 - YOU'VE GOT IT WRONG. 399 00:15:12,512 --> 00:15:17,284 - SEX. DRUGS, POSSIBLY. ROCK AND ROLL? 400 00:15:17,317 --> 00:15:19,586 WE'LL FIND OUT ON PAWNEE TODAY'S 401 00:15:19,619 --> 00:15:22,089 EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH THE WOMAN 402 00:15:22,122 --> 00:15:25,492 AT THE CENTER OF THE DEXHART SEX SCANDAL, LESLIE KNOPE. 403 00:15:25,525 --> 00:15:29,296 LESLIE, MY FIRST QUESTION HAS TO BE 404 00:15:29,329 --> 00:15:31,298 WHEN DID THE AFFAIR START? 405 00:15:31,331 --> 00:15:34,001 - JOAN, I SPOKE WITH COUNCILMAN DEXHART 406 00:15:34,034 --> 00:15:35,268 FOR THE FIRST TIME THAT NIGHT. 407 00:15:35,302 --> 00:15:38,005 WE MET FOR ABOUT 15 MINUTES, 408 00:15:38,038 --> 00:15:41,008 AND THEN I WENT HOME ALONE, AND THAT'S THE WHOLE STORY. 409 00:15:41,041 --> 00:15:42,642 - WELL, LESLIE, WE ALL SAW THE TAPE 410 00:15:42,675 --> 00:15:44,311 FROM FOUR YEARS AGO, 411 00:15:44,344 --> 00:15:47,247 AND YOU WERE FLASHING SOME SERIOUS "DO ME" EYES. 412 00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:48,481 THAT'S JUST MY OPINION. 413 00:15:48,515 --> 00:15:51,084 - I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY I'M ON TRIAL HERE. 414 00:15:51,118 --> 00:15:53,586 YOU SHOULD BE GRILLING COUNCILMAN DEXHART. 415 00:15:53,620 --> 00:15:56,256 - OH, YOU KNOW WHAT, THAT'S A REALLY GOOD IDEA. 416 00:15:56,289 --> 00:15:59,159 UH, LET'S BRING HIM OUT. COUNCILMAN, COME ON OUT. 417 00:15:59,192 --> 00:16:01,061 - HI, SWEETIE. 418 00:16:01,094 --> 00:16:03,997 - WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME HE WAS GONNA BE HERE? 419 00:16:04,031 --> 00:16:05,632 - I THOUGHT IT'D BE MORE EXCITING. 420 00:16:05,665 --> 00:16:07,400 - YOU LOOK GREAT. 421 00:16:07,434 --> 00:16:10,237 [Joan laughs] 422 00:16:10,270 --> 00:16:12,305 - IT'S LIKE I'M INVISIBLE. 423 00:16:12,339 --> 00:16:14,007 - OKAY, MY NAME IS RON. 424 00:16:14,041 --> 00:16:16,243 YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW MY LAST NAME. 425 00:16:16,276 --> 00:16:17,710 WHOEVER WANTS TO TALK, GO AHEAD, 426 00:16:17,744 --> 00:16:20,280 AND WE'LL BE OUT OF HERE IN A TIGHT 15. 427 00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:22,415 - I FOUND A SANDWICH IN ONE OF YOUR PARKS, 428 00:16:22,449 --> 00:16:27,254 AND I WANT TO KNOW WHY IT DIDN'T HAVE MAYONNAISE. 429 00:16:27,287 --> 00:16:29,122 WHAT'S SO FUNNY? - OH. 430 00:16:29,156 --> 00:16:30,157 - YEAH, I DON'T THINK KIDS SHOULD BE ALLOWED 431 00:16:30,190 --> 00:16:31,491 ON THE PLAYGROUND EQUIPMENT. 432 00:16:31,524 --> 00:16:33,026 - OKAY, WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS. 433 00:16:33,060 --> 00:16:34,461 IF YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT SWINE FLU, 434 00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:36,196 USE HAND SANITIZER-- 435 00:16:36,229 --> 00:16:37,264 - I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT SWINE FLU. 436 00:16:37,297 --> 00:16:38,398 I ALREADY HAD THE SWINE FLU. 437 00:16:38,431 --> 00:16:39,466 I'M WORRIED ABOUT THE TURTLE FLU! 438 00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:41,801 - THE TURTLE FLU... - TURTLE FLU. 439 00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:44,471 - TURTLE FLU. 440 00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:47,340 - JOAN, THIS WHOLE PAWNEE SUN STORY 441 00:16:47,374 --> 00:16:49,476 IS "GOTCHA JOURNALISM" AT ITS WORST. 442 00:16:49,509 --> 00:16:51,544 HONEY, LET'S JUST KEEP OUR PRIVATE LIFE 443 00:16:51,578 --> 00:16:53,080 IN THE BEDROOM WHERE IT BELONGS. 444 00:16:53,113 --> 00:16:55,115 - WE DO NOT HAVE A PRIVATE LIFE. 445 00:16:55,148 --> 00:16:56,783 STOP SAYING THAT WE HAVE A PRIVATE LIFE. 446 00:16:56,816 --> 00:16:58,285 THE FACT IS WE NEVER SLEPT TOGETHER. 447 00:16:58,318 --> 00:17:00,753 AND IF WE DID, YOU WOULD HAVE PROOF. 448 00:17:00,787 --> 00:17:02,522 AND WE WOULD HAVE SEEN IT BY NOW. 449 00:17:02,555 --> 00:17:03,790 - COUNCILMAN? 450 00:17:03,823 --> 00:17:06,293 - I CAN PROVE IT. 451 00:17:06,326 --> 00:17:09,362 SHE HAS A MOLE ON HER RIGHT BUTTOCK. 452 00:17:09,396 --> 00:17:12,332 - WHAT? THAT IS A TOTAL LIE. 453 00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:14,601 YOU'VE NEVER SEEN MY BUTT. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 454 00:17:14,634 --> 00:17:16,836 HE HAS NEVER SEEN MY BUTT. 455 00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:18,338 - [chuckles] 456 00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:21,308 - WELL, I GUESS IT'S YOUR WORD AGAINST HIS. 457 00:17:21,341 --> 00:17:22,775 I MEAN... - THAT'S RIGHT. 458 00:17:22,809 --> 00:17:23,776 [Joan laughs] 459 00:17:23,810 --> 00:17:25,612 - FINE. 460 00:17:25,645 --> 00:17:28,481 HERE, JOAN, WHY DON'T YOU LOOK FOR YOURSELF? 461 00:17:28,515 --> 00:17:31,084 - IS THIS HAPPENING? 462 00:17:31,118 --> 00:17:33,286 WAIT...THERE'S NO MOLE. 463 00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:35,322 THERE IS NO MOLE! 464 00:17:35,355 --> 00:17:37,190 THIS EXCLUSIVE STORY-- 465 00:17:37,224 --> 00:17:40,227 THERE IS NO MOLE ON MISS KNOPE! 466 00:17:40,260 --> 00:17:41,228 - I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S COME TO THIS. 467 00:17:41,261 --> 00:17:42,195 THIS IS UTTERLY HUMILIATING. 468 00:17:42,229 --> 00:17:43,863 - WELL, COUNCILMAN, CARE TO MAKE A COMMENT 469 00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:46,333 ABOUT NO-MOLE-GATE? 470 00:17:46,366 --> 00:17:47,667 - YES. 471 00:17:47,700 --> 00:17:49,302 I REALLY DIDN'T THINK THAT MISS KNOPE WOULD 472 00:17:49,336 --> 00:17:51,271 PULL DOWN HER PANTS ON TV. 473 00:17:51,304 --> 00:17:53,573 BUT SINCE SHE DID, 474 00:17:53,606 --> 00:17:57,244 I WILL ADMIT THAT THE RUMORS OF OUR AFFAIR 475 00:17:57,277 --> 00:17:59,179 ARE INDEED FALSE. 476 00:17:59,212 --> 00:18:00,580 - THANK YOU. - HOWEVER... 477 00:18:00,613 --> 00:18:02,615 I HAVE NO PLANS TO RESIGN. 478 00:18:02,649 --> 00:18:04,517 - OH, GREAT. OKAY, COUNCILMAN, 479 00:18:04,551 --> 00:18:05,685 YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU'RE A CLASS ACT. 480 00:18:05,718 --> 00:18:07,320 - THANK YOU. 481 00:18:07,354 --> 00:18:09,156 - I THOUGHT YOU DID GREAT. 482 00:18:09,189 --> 00:18:10,257 WHEN YOU GET ALL FEISTY LIKE THAT, 483 00:18:10,290 --> 00:18:12,559 IT GETS MY HEART RACING. 484 00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:14,794 LIKE I'M ON A STAIRMASTER. 485 00:18:14,827 --> 00:18:21,334 EXCEPT MORE LIKE IN A SEXUAL...CONTEXT. 486 00:18:21,368 --> 00:18:25,172 - I CAN'T GO TO SAN DIEGO WITH YOU. 487 00:18:28,275 --> 00:18:31,911 MY LIFE IS HERE. MY FRIENDS, MY CAREER. 488 00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:33,846 - I GUESS I JUST THOUGHT, WITH EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED, 489 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:36,183 YOU'D WANT A FRESH START. 490 00:18:36,216 --> 00:18:39,552 - I KNOW, I-- I REALLY CARE ABOUT YOU, DAVE. 491 00:18:39,586 --> 00:18:41,254 I JUST-- 492 00:18:41,288 --> 00:18:44,191 I LOVE THIS TOWN. 493 00:18:44,224 --> 00:18:45,558 I'M SORRY. 494 00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:48,828 YOU WANT YOUR TICKET BACK? 495 00:18:48,861 --> 00:18:51,498 - NO. YOU KNOW WHAT, KEEP IT. 496 00:18:51,531 --> 00:18:55,202 YOU MAY WANT TO COME VISIT ME, RIGHT? 497 00:18:55,235 --> 00:18:57,370 THERE'S A $75 CHANGE FEE, 498 00:18:57,404 --> 00:18:59,872 BUT I COULD PAY YOU THAT, OR I COULD REIMBURSE YOU. 499 00:18:59,906 --> 00:19:01,541 THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS WE COULD HANDLE THAT. 500 00:19:07,947 --> 00:19:11,284 [Christmas music, laughter] 501 00:19:11,318 --> 00:19:15,355 - OH, HO, THAT'S, UH... [chuckles] 502 00:19:15,388 --> 00:19:17,957 - HEY. SORRY I'M LATE. 503 00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:19,259 - HEY! 504 00:19:19,292 --> 00:19:21,661 - OH, HONEY, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU. 505 00:19:21,694 --> 00:19:25,798 THAT TOOK GUTS, MOONING JOAN CALLAMEZZO. 506 00:19:25,832 --> 00:19:27,834 AWW, HONEY... - THANKS, MOM. 507 00:19:27,867 --> 00:19:29,936 OH, MY GOD, IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE TREE? 508 00:19:29,969 --> 00:19:31,638 - NO, NOTHING WRONG. 509 00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:32,639 - BUT IT'S ALMOST 9:00. IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN LIGHTED UP 510 00:19:32,672 --> 00:19:33,740 AN HOUR AGO. 511 00:19:33,773 --> 00:19:35,242 - WE WAITED FOR YOU. 512 00:19:41,314 --> 00:19:43,416 OKAY, EVERYBODY, COUNTIN' DOWN! 513 00:19:43,450 --> 00:19:47,754 - [all] FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, 514 00:19:47,787 --> 00:19:49,256 ONE. 515 00:19:49,289 --> 00:19:52,825 [cheers and applause] 516 00:19:52,859 --> 00:19:56,329 - * JOY TO THE WORLD THE LORD IS COME * 517 00:19:56,363 --> 00:20:00,233 * LET EARTH RECEIVE HER KING * 518 00:20:00,267 --> 00:20:02,869 * LET EVERY HEART... 519 00:20:02,902 --> 00:20:05,405 - IT'S GOTTEN A LOT HARDER TO WORK IN GOVERNMENT. 520 00:20:05,438 --> 00:20:07,640 YOU THINK WINSTON CHURCHILL EVER HAD TO PULL HIS PANTS DOWN 521 00:20:07,674 --> 00:20:08,708 AND SHOW HIS BUTT? 522 00:20:08,741 --> 00:20:10,977 NO. BUT WOULD HE HAVE? 523 00:20:11,010 --> 00:20:12,545 YES. 524 00:20:12,579 --> 00:20:14,013 NOW, COULD HE HAVE? 525 00:20:14,046 --> 00:20:15,615 MAYBE NOT TOWARDS THE END OF HIS LIFE, 526 00:20:15,648 --> 00:20:18,785 BUT HE WOULD HAVE. 527 00:20:18,818 --> 00:20:21,354 BECAUSE HE LOVED HIS JOB. 528 00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:37,804 - HO HO! REGGIE WAYNE! 529 00:20:37,837 --> 00:20:39,606 - DUDE! 530 00:20:39,639 --> 00:20:42,709 YOU REMEMBERED ME COMPLAINING ABOUT MY COMPUTER BAG. 531 00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:45,645 - DO YOU LIKE IT? - YEAH, IT'S PERFECT. 532 00:20:45,678 --> 00:20:47,614 IT'S WAY BETTER THAN THE GIFT THAT I GOT YOU. 533 00:20:47,647 --> 00:20:49,882 IT'S PACERS TICKETS. 534 00:20:49,916 --> 00:20:51,718 - OH... - THEY'RE NOT EVEN GOOD SEATS. 535 00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:53,453 ACHH! - THIS IS AWESOME. 536 00:20:53,486 --> 00:20:54,521 - IT'S NOT AWESOME. 537 00:20:54,554 --> 00:20:58,658 - I ACTUALLY GOT YOU A SECOND GIFT. 538 00:20:58,691 --> 00:21:00,593 YOU DON'T HAVE TO COME TO THIS GAME WITH ME. 539 00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:04,631 YOU DON'T HAVE TO. 540 00:21:04,664 --> 00:21:05,798 - THAT'S THE NICEST GIFT... - IS THAT GOOD? IS THAT GOOD? 541 00:21:05,832 --> 00:21:07,667 - ANYBODY'S EVER GOTTEN ME IN MY LIFE. 542 00:21:09,702 --> 00:21:11,338 - OH, THANK GOD. 543 00:21:11,371 --> 00:21:13,039 THERE'S A BUNCH OF MESSAGES WAITING FOR YOU 544 00:21:13,072 --> 00:21:16,643 ABOUT A BUNCH OF THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND. 545 00:21:19,912 --> 00:21:22,882 Captioning by CaptionMax www.captionmax.com 546 00:21:22,915 --> 00:21:25,718 - [sighs] 547 00:21:32,392 --> 00:21:37,764 - HI, THIS IS LESLIE KNOPE IN THE PARKS DEPARTMENT.