- WE NOTICED ABNORMAL ACTIVITY ON YOUR CREDIT CARD,
SO WE JUST NEED YOU TO CONFIRM OR DENY
SOME OF THE RECENT CHARGES. - OKAY, THANK YOU.
- $20 TO NETFLIX.
- YUP.
- $20 TO BLOCKBUSTER ONLINE. - BOTH?
- I NEEDED ALL 11 DISCS OF GOSSIP GIRL AT THE SAME TIME.
- $120 IN TUITION
TO HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY.
- THEY GIVE YOU A LITTLE WAND, AND A DIPLOMA, IT'S FUN.
- WHAT'D YOU MAJOR IN? - POTIONS.
YOU KNOW, I'M GONNA TAKE YOU OFF SPEAKERPHONE.
GO AHEAD.
- JESSICA SIMPSON CLIP-IN HAIR EXTENSIONS.
- NO. OKAY...UM... I WORE THOSE ONCE.
IT WAS A MONEY-BACK GUARANTEE, BUT I FORGOT TO RETURN THEM.
- MAN-PILLOW, THE PILLOW SHAPED LIKE A MAN.
- OH, GOD.
- ALSO SOMETHING CALLED BUCKET OF CAKE.
- YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK SOMEONE DEFINITELY STOLE MY CREDIT CARDS
SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST CANCEL IT?
- DO YOU WANNA HEAR WHAT ELSE THEY PURCHASED?
- YES. - NO, UM...YOU DON'T HAVE TO
REFUND ANYTHING.
JUST CANCEL THE CREDIT CARD
AND WE'LL ALL GO ON WITH OUR LIVES.
THANK YOU.
- SO...WHAT DOES A MAN-PILLOW LOOK LIKE?
- DANIEL CRAIG.
IT'S FOR MY LOWER BACK.
[triumphant music]
*
[applause] - MY NAME IS KEITH,
AND I AM YOUR FRIEND.
ARE YOU GUYS MY FRIENDS?
all: YEAH! - ALL RIGHT.
AWESOME! IT IS PLAYGROUND TIME!
all: YAY! [applause]
- WELL, WE'RE HERE IN EAGLETOWN, IT'S TWO TOWNS OVER.
AND WE'RE ALL VOLUNTEERING FOR KABOOM!
A SERVICE ORGANIZATION THAT SAYS IT BUILDS A PLAYGROUND IN A DAY.
- HIGH FIVE, HIGH FIVE.
- I NEVER TRUST ANYTHING THAT COMES THAT QUICKLY.
THAT'S WHY I DON'T EAT MINUTE RICE.
SO THIS WHOLE BUILD-A- PLAYGROUND-IN-A-DAY THING,
I MEAN THAT'S JUST A SLOGAN, RIGHT?
- NOPE, ONE DAY, 24 HOURS.
- KEITH, THAT IS SO INCREDIBLE. - KEITH!
- I MEAN, I WORK IN PARKS,
AND I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO GET SOMETHING DONE.
- NOT IF YOU HAVE THE KABOOM! SPIRIT.
YOU CAN LOOK AT A PROBLEM AND YOU CAN EITHER GO
"UH, THIS IS A PROBLEM",
OR YOU CAN KABOOM!
BLOW IT UP AND TURN IT INTO SOMETHING GREAT.
YOU LITERALLY "KABOOM!" THE PROBLEM.
[claps twice] COME ON, PEOPLE!
I SEE MORE GROUND THAN PLAYGROUND.
[high pitch] KABOOM! - DON'T DO THAT.
both: ONE, TWO, THREE.
- OOH! - MAN, THIS IS TOUGH.
- YEAH, BUT JUST THINK OF ALL THE KIDS
THAT WILL SWING ON THIS SWING.
FAT KIDS, SKINNY KIDS, BRAINIACS, SLUTS,
THE GAY DRAMA KIDS, GOTHS, JOCKS, THE ALTERNATIVE CROWD.
- MM-HMM. - HEY, LESLIE.
HI. WHOA, ANN!
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- OH, I'M VOLUNTEERING.
I LOVE TO VOLUNTEER.
THE KEY TO VOLUNTEERING?
A LOT OF POCKETS.
FOR PUTTING ALL THE FOOD IN.
THE RED CROSS HAS AMAZING COOKIES.
I GO THERE ALL THE TIME.
MEALS ON WHEELS WAS A BONANZA.
SUICIDE HOTLINE, SURPRISINGLY LAME SPREAD.
THOUGHT I'D GIVE BACK TO THOSE LESS FORTUNATE THAN MYSELF.
- YOU LIVE IN A PIT. - NOT ANYMORE.
LIVING WITH THE DRUMMER OF MY BAND.
LIVING INDOORS. PRETTY COOL.
NOT TO BRAG. KINDA HARD NOT TO.
ANYHOW, GOTTA GO.
ME AND AN OLD ASIAN LADY
ARE DOUBLE-TEAMING SOME MONKEY BARS, SO.
- HEY, LOOK, I GOT A REMOTE CONTROL AND I'M CONTROLLING YOU.
GO FASTER! GO FASTER!
* GO FASTER, RON'S THE MASTER *
- AH! WELL...
YOU HAVE BEEN OFFICIALLY KABOOMED.
- WHOA, LOOK AT YOU TWO AND YOUR BIG KABOOM!
GREAT JOB! I GOT GIFTS.
- OH! - THERE YOU GO FOR YOU.
- THANKS. - AND ONE MORE FOR YOU.
- THANK YOU.
- SO YOU GUYS GONNA JOIN US TOMORROW IN MUNCIE?
- NO, I WISH, BUT BACK TO THE REAL WORLD.
- AT LEAST YOU GUYS WILL BE KABOOMING SOMEWHERE, RIGHT?
REMEMBER... TAKE A MAN KABOOMING,
HE KABOOMS FOR A DAY.
BUT YOU TEACH A MAN HOW TO KABOOM...
KABOOM! KABOOM! KABOOM!
- UH, I'M SO PUMPED!
GOD, I COULD TAKE ON THE WORLD.
- I COULD PREP, LIKE, 1,000 DIAGNOSTIC TESTS.
- [laughing] - IN AN HOUR!
- THAT'S THE SPIRIT.
- THERE IT IS--THE PIT. - MM.
- THERE'S SOMETHING I WISH I COULD KABOOM!
- WELL, WE ARE.
IT'S JUST A SLOW BOOM.
A SLOWER, MORE DELIBERATE KABOOM!
- YEAH, TOTALLY.
SEE YOU TOMORROW. - OKAY.
[car door closes]
[sighs]
[exhales]
YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MESS IS?
THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS WE HAVE TO COMPLETE
BEFORE WE FILL IN THE PIT BEHIND ANN'S HOUSE.
YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS?
THIS IS A KABOOMER.
JERRY, DID YOU USE PERMANENT MARKER AGAIN ?
- I'M SORRY, GUYS.
[everyone grumbles over each other]
- OKAY, FORGET IT.
LET'S ALL PRETEND JERRY WASN'T BORN.
AND THIS IS CLEAN.
HOW DO WE SPEED UP THE PROCESS?
HOW DO WE KABOOM! IT?
RULES, CODES, PERMITS, RED TAPE--
I NEVER REALIZED HOW FRUSTRATING IT IS TO BE IN THE GOVERNMENT.
IN MY NEXT LIFE, I'M GOING INTO PRIVATE INDUSTRY.
MAYBE STRIP MINING.
OKAY, EVERYBODY TAKE OUT THEIR THINKING CAPS.
AND RIP THEM UP.
THEN TAKE OUT YOUR DOING CAPS,
'CAUSE WE'RE GONNA DO SOMETHING TODAY.
- I HAVE A COUPLE DOING CAPS IN MY WALLET.
THAT'S WHAT I CALL CONDOMS.
- COME ON, TOM. FOCUS, PLEASE.
HOW DO WE CUT THROUGH THE RED TAPE?
AND HOW DO WE GET THIS PIT FILLED IN? IDEAS?
- WE NEED TO CUT THROUGH THE RED TAPE AND GET THE PIT FILLED IN.
- YES, TOM. GOOD.
OKAY, EVERYBODY ELSE NEEDS TO PARTICIPATE. COME ON, GUYS.
THESE SUGGESTIONS AREN'T GONNA SUGGEST THEMSELVES.
YES, JERRY?
THIS IDEA BETTER BE GOOD.
ANN?
- I SUPPORT YOU. - GOOD.
- YOU COULD PETITION TO EXPEDITE
THE ARCHITECTURAL REVIEW BOARD PROCESS.
- MARK, BUDDY... YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ME.
I WANT TO KABOOM! IT. OKAY?
- CAN I TALK TO YOU OUTSIDE REALLY QUICK?
- SURE.
MARK'S GONNA HELP ME, SO THANKS FOR NOTHING, JERRY.
GOOD JOB, ANN.
- SO YOU REALLY WANNA GET THIS PIT FILLED IN, RIGHT?
- YES.
- AND WE'LL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES?
- MARK, I AM SO SICK OF MOVING LIKE A SLUG.
I WANNA MOVE LIKE A CHEETAH.
OR A SLUG DRIVING A REMOTE CONTROLLED CAR.
SOMETHING MORE PLAUSIBLE THAN THAT, BUT FAST.
- WOULD YOU BREAK THE RULES?
- I WON'T MURDER.
- THAT'S GOOD TO KNOW.
BUT IT'S ACTUALLY VERY SIMPLE.
IF YOU WANNA FILL IN THE PIT, JUST GO FILL IT IN.
DON'T ASK FOR PERMISSION, ASK FOR FORGIVENESS.
- OH, I LIKE THAT. OKAY, WOW.
SO WHO GIVES ME THE GO AHEAD
TO NOT ASK FOR PERMISSION, BECAUSE--
- NO, NO, NO. - IS IT RON?
- NO, IT'S NOBODY. IT'S NOBODY.
IT'S YOU. YOU HAVE TO BE BOLD.
- OKAY? - OKAY, LOOK...
YOU WANNA GET THE PIT FILLED IN?
THEN GO RENT A BULLDOZER AND FILL IN THE FREAKING PIT.
- HEY.
- WHAT'S UP?
- SAY YOU HAD A FRIEND WHO WANTED TO DO SOMETHING GOOD,
BUT A LITTLE RISKY, AND SHE WAS KIND OF NERVOUS ABOUT IT.
AND THIS FRIEND IS ME. WHAT SHOULD I DO?
- MM, YOU SHOULD DO IT.
AND YOU SHOULD ASK YOUR FRIEND TO HELP YOU
BECAUSE YOUR FRIEND TOTALLY HAS YOUR BACK.
AND THAT FRIEND IS ME. - YOU'LL HELP ME?
- OF COURSE, I'LL DO ANYTHING I CAN TO HELP.
LET'S DO IT!
[laughing]
- OKAY.
- WHAT ARE WE DOING? IS IT DANGEROUS?
- WE'RE NOT GOING TO MURDER ANYONE.
- IT WAS CRAZY. I DIDN'T GET A SINGLE PERMIT.
NOBODY STAMPED ANYTHING, ALL I DID WAS ORDER A BACKHOE,
AND IT CAME WITH A GUY WHO RUNS IT.
I'VE NEVER RENTED A GUY BEFORE.
WISH I KNEW ABOUT THAT DURING PROM.
- THERE WAS A GIRL AT MY PROM WHO WAS KNOWN AS THE BACKHOE.
MARY DUNBAR, SHE'D LET ANYONE MASSAGE HER BACK.
- I'M SO EXCITED WE'RE DOING THIS!
AND WE'RE DOING IT WITHOUT PERMISSION.
WE'RE GIVING OURSELVES PERMISSION.
- [laughing] - LOOK!
I HAD THESE HARD HATS MADE.
CHECK IT OUT..."KICK ASS".
- I'LL TAKE THAT ONE. - OKAY.
OH, MY GOD! ANN, THIS IS SO COOL!
DO YOU FEEL GIDDY? - YEAH.
- I'M SO PROUD OF US.
- MS. MONTEGUE, YOU READY?
- I DIDN'T WANNA TELL HIM MY REAL NAME, YOU KNOW?
[heavy accent] YEAH.
FIRST SPEECH, EASY-- IMPORTANT MOMENT HERE.
WE ARE ABOUT TO FILL THIS HOLE NOW.
NOT WITH DIRT, BUT WITH THE COURAGE OF A THOUSAND LIONS.
AND THE SOLEMN MEMORY OF ALL OF OUR FRIENDS
WHO HAVE FALLEN IN THIS CURSED HOLE.
DUMP IT!
[both applause] YAY!
- AH, WHAT THE [bleep]?
- ANDY?
- I'M OKAY. - AH!
- OH, GOD. - OH, MY GOD.
[heart monitor ringing]
- WELL, THAT BEEPING WAS SURE ANNOYING,
BUT THIS IS EVEN MORE ANNOYING.
- I'LL HANDLE THIS.
- THE MONITOR IS NOT A TOY, ANDY.
- ANYTHING IS A TOY IF YOU PLAY WITH IT.
- CHALK THAT UP TO YOUR CONCUSSION.
WELL, THE GOOD NEWS IS YOUR CAT SCAN'S CLEAR.
- COOL.
- ANDY, I'M REALLY HAPPY YOU'RE OKAY.
LESLIE WAS WORRIED TOO.
WE SHOULD'VE CHECKED BEFORE TO SEE IF YOU WERE...HOME.
- OH, NO, I TOLD YOU, I MOVED OUT OF THE PIT.
I JUST HAD TO GO BACK 'CAUSE I FORGOT MY HEADPHONES.
AND I LAYED DOWN ON THIS REALLY COMFY TARP
I SAW AN OLD CEREAL BOX I HADN'T READ BEFORE,
SO I MUST'VE DRIFTED OFF.
NEXT THING YOU KNOW... [explosive noise]
SWISHHHHH. DIRT.
- SCOOT UP FOR ONE SEC.
AND BACK DOWN.
THERE YOU GO. - [sigh]
THAT IS PERFECT.
IT'S LIKE I'M LYING ON A CLOUD.
THIS IS AWESOME.
ANN AND ANDY, JUST LIKE OLD TIMES.
THE PIT WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS.
- I'M SORRY ABOUT ANDY, BUT I'M NOT SORRY ABOUT WHAT I DID.
WHAT'S MY CRIME?
I GOT BOLD?
AND A LITTLE NEGLIGENT? - KNOPE!
MY OFFICE, NOW!
- HEY.
CAN I SMOKE IN HERE?
- YOU DON'T SMOKE.
- JUST ASKING IF I CAN.
- ARE YOU HIGH?
- I'M HIGH ON KABOOM!
DON'T ASK FOR PERMISSION, ASK FOR FORGIVENESS.
- THAT'S RIGHT, YOU NEVER DID ASK ME FOR PERMISSION, DID YOU?
WELL, I'M SORRY TO BURST YOUR KA-BUBBLE,
BUT I JUST HAD MY ASS KA-HANDED TO ME BY THE CITY MANAGER,
AND NOW THIS ENTIRE DEPARTMENT IS KA-SCREWED.
- RON, I'M SO, SO, SO SORRY.
- WHAT THE KA-[bleep] WERE YOU THINKING?
I WOULD PREFER THAT SHE ASK ME FOR MY PERMISSION
SO I CAN SAY NO. I LIKE SAYING NO.
IT LOWERS THEIR ENTHUSIASM.
- SO I BROUGHT YOU SOME CLEAN CLOTHES
THAT I FOUND AT MY HOUSE.
- OH, MY GOD, MY SEXY SWEATER!
IT HAS A HOLE CUT OUT OVER THE BICEP.
THANK YOU. - NO PROBLEM.
- NO, A-CAKES, SERIOUSLY.
THANK YOU.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
- NO. THANK YOU.
- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
WHAT DO YOU--WHAT DO YOU THINK IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?
- A TRAGIC ACCIDENT REIGNITED FEELINGS
YOU THOUGHT WERE LONG DEAD AND WE ARE FINALLY BACK TOGETHER.
- ANDY... WE'RE NOT BACK TOGETHER.
YOU KNOW THAT I'M KIND OF WITH MARK NOW.
- OH, GOD, IS THAT STILL HAPPENING?
I DON'T GET IT.
WHAT DOES HE HAVE THAT I DON'T HAVE?
- ARE YOU SERIOUS?
- YEAH. - EVERYTHING.
HE HAS LITERALLY EVERYTHING THAT YOU DON'T HAVE:
A JOB, A CAR, A STEADY INCOME, AN ADDRESS,
A SECOND PAIR OF SHOES, TABLE MANNERS,
THE ABILITY TO SAY "TAMPON" WITHOUT GIGGLING.
MARK HAS HIS LIFE TOGETHER.
I'LL GET YOU A DIFFERENT NURSE.
- IT'S AWFUL WHAT HAPPENED TO ANDY.
BUT SOMETIMES WHEN YOU MAKE AN OMELET,
YOU GOTTA BREAK A FEW EGGS.
WHAT'S THE ALTERNATIVE, NO OMELETS AT ALL?
WHO WANTS TO LIVE IN THAT KIND OF WORLD?
MAYBE BIRDS.
THEN ALL THEIR BABIES WOULD LIVE.
- MS. KNOPE? LISTEN.
HI, SCOTT BRADDOCK, CITY ATTORNEY.
- HEY, SCOTT.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOU WERE FRIENDS WITH ANDY.
- I NEVER MET HIM.
WHAT I DO KNOW IS THAT HE COULD SUE US AT THE DROP OF A HAT.
I MEAN, RIGHT NOW HE IS THE MOST DANGEROUS MAN IN PAWNEE.
- IS THAT ALL YOU LAWYERS THINK ABOUT?
LAWSUITS, AND LAWS, AND LEGALESE?
- YES. - WELL, YOU CAN RELAX.
ALL I'M GONNA DO IS GO IN AND JUST SAY,
"WE'RE SO SORRY, IT'S ENTIRELY OUR FAULT"--
- NO, NO, NO, NO, YOU CAN'T SAY ANY OF THAT.
IT ADMITS LIABILITY.
YOU CAN'T SAY "I'M SORRY", OR "I APOLOGIZE."
IT IMPLIES GUILT.
- THAT'S INSANE. I HAVE TO APOLOGIZE.
ANDY WAS THE VICTIM-- - CAN'T SAY "VICTIM".
- OF AN EXTREMELY UNFORTUNATE-- - CAN'T SAY "UNFORTUNATE",
AND YOU CAN'T SAY "SITUATION".
- I CAN'T SAY THE WORD "SITUATION"?
- NO, IT IMPLIES THERE WAS A SITUATION.
- CAN I GIVE HIM THE PIG?
- YEAH, PIG'S FINE.
- HI, ANDY.
- HI, LESLIE.
- GOT THIS FOR YOU. - AW.
- HOPE YOU SQUEAL BETTER. - AH.
[pig snorts] [laughing]
- [clears throat]
- THIS IS MY FRIEND, SCOTT.
- HI, SCOTT.
- MM-HMM.
- ANDY, I JUST WANTED TO SAY, I AM SO, SO, SO--
- MM-MM-MM-MM-MM.
- FILLED WITH EMOTIONS.
AS ANY PERSON WOULD.
[mouthing] I'M SORRY. I'M SO, SO SORRY.
- WHAT?
- NO MIMING. - UH...
UH, YOU WERE IN THE PIT.
- WE'RE NOT CONCEDING THAT POINT.
- YOU WERE IN A PLACE...
WE'RE BOTH HERE NOW.
THE GOVERNMENT-- - NO, NO!
NO.
UH, WE GOTTA GO. - WHAT?
- LET'S GO. - WHY?
- COME ON. - WENDELL ADAMS.
I'M ANDREW'S ATTORNEY.
- ANDY, NO!
- IT'S MY ONLY OPTION-- - ANDY, STOP.
I'VE ADVISED MY CLIENT NOT TO SPEAK WITH YOU.
HE'S SUING THE CITY OF PAWNEE.
- ANDY, YOU'RE SUING YOUR HOME TOWN?
- ANDY, NO.
- CAN WE JUST TALK ABOUT THIS? - LESLIE, NO.
- THIS IS TERRIBLE.
- DON'T SAY "TERRIBLE".
DON'T LOOK BACK.
[pig snorting]
[phone ringing] - HELLO!
- ANDY, IT'S LESLIE.
- HELLO?
- HELLO. ANDY, IT'S LESLIE.
- PSYCH! LEAVE A MESSAGE AFTER THE BEEP.
[beeps] - ANDY, IT'S LESLIE.
LOOK, WHAT DID YOU MEAN WHEN YOU SAID IT'S YOUR ONLY OPTION?
I THINK WE SHOULD TALK.
WITHOUT LAWYERS PRESENT.
IF YOU WANNA MEET, JUST PUT A WHITE CHALK 'X' ON THE MAILBOX
ACROSS THE STREET FROM CITY HALL.
OR CALL ME BACK-- JUST CALL ME BACK.
[beeps]
ANDY, WHY AREN'T YOU RETURNING MY CALLS?
IS IT BECAUSE OF YOUR LAWYER? IT'S BECAUSE OF YOUR LAWYER.
[beeps] HEY, ANDY, IT'S YOUR AUNT.
YOUR MOM OR DAD'S SISTER.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU THIS, BUT YOUR UNCLE HAS PASSED.
HE'S WITH JESUS NOW.
SO WE'RE HAVING A MEMORIAL IN 30 MINUTES AT CITY HALL.
[beeps]
HEY, FREE GUITARS AT CITY HALL! EVERYBODY RUN!
[beeps]
[robot voice] BECAUSE OF A LOCAL DISASTER,
YOU, ANDY DWYER, MUST GO TO THE EVACUATION CENTER
AT PAWNEE CITY HALL... [sighs]
- HM, THAT WAS WEIRD.
- [gasps] HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
- [sighs] I PROMISE THAT ANDY ISN'T SUING JUST FOR THE MONEY.
- LESLIE, THE MAN LIVED IN A PIT.
OKAY, HE COULDN'T FIND A PLACE TO LIVE ON THE EARTH'S SURFACE,
SO HE WENT UNDER THE GROUND.
YOU'RE DEALING WITH A GROWN MAN WHO THINKS LIKE A GOFER.
- I FEEL LIKE IF I COULD GET PAST THE LAWYERS,
AND FIND OUT WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON,
I THINK I COULD GET HIM TO DROP THE LAWSUIT.
- [Andy on phone] ANN, IS THAT YOU?
- HEY. WE NEED TO TALK SOMEWHERE PRIVATE.
[knocking] - OH!
- BABY, I'M BACK.
- THANK YOU SO-- WHAH! AH!
- WHY ARE YOU NAKED? - OH!
- WELL, BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU SAID,
WE'RE GETTING BACK TOGETHER.
- NO, WE'RE NOT. - YES, WE ARE.
YOU SHOULD'VE HEARD THE SUPER SEXY STUFF SHE WAS SAYING TO ME.
- I SAID "HEY, ANDY, IT'S ANN, CAN WE TALK AT MY HOUSE?"
- THAT'S NOT HOW YOU SAID IT,
YOU WERE LIKE, "HEY, ANDY, IT'S ANN, CAN YOU TALK AT MY HOUSE?"
- MY GOD, YOU'RE SUCH A BABY.
UGH, LITERALLY.
BIG NAKED BABY, PUT CLOTHES ON.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I SHOULD'VE SEEN THIS COMING.
- HAS HE SHOWED UP NAKED BEFORE?
- OH, YEAH--ANNIVERSARIES, BIRTHDAYS, HOLIDAYS.
GOOD LUCK. - WHERE ARE YOU--
HEY, ANN--JUST-- - NONE OF YOUR CLOTHES FIT ME,
SO I'M PUTTING AN APRON OVER THE FRONT STUFF.
IS SHE GONE?
- WHAT DID YOU MEAN WHEN YOU SAID THIS WAS YOUR ONLY OPTION?
- WELL, I'M COMPLETELY BROKE.
AND MY LAWYER SAID IT COULD BE WORTH UPWARDS OF $100,000.
- I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU'RE SUING JUST FOR THE MONEY.
- I WANT ANN BACK, AND SHE SAID SHE REALLY NEEDS
A GUY WITH A LOT OF MONEY.
- THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE ANN.
- WELL, I CAN'T REALLY DO HER VOICE.
BUT SHE SAID SHE LIKES MARK BECAUSE HE'S A GROWN-UP
WITH A BANK ACCOUNT.
I PUT TWO AND TWO TOGETHER,
$100,000, I CAN PROBABLY GET A BANK ACCOUNT.
- SOMETIMES I THINK THE RIGHT THING TO DO
IS TO NOT TAKE SHORTCUTS.
I MEAN, LOOK, I TRIED TO FILL IN THE PIT.
THAT DIDN'T WORK EITHER.
- FINE.
I'LL GET A JOB.
ANN WILL RESPECT THAT.
I CAN MAKE SIX BUCKS A DAY PLAYING GUITAR IN THE STREET.
I CAN'T MAKE SIX BUCKS A DAY.
- WAIT A SECOND, I KNOW I JUST SAID THAT SHORTCUTS ARE BAD,
BUT I KIND OF JUST THOUGHT OF AN AWESOME SHORTCUT.
- MR. DWYER, WE'RE VERY HAPPY THAT YOU'RE DROPPING THE SUIT.
- YEAH, IT'S REALLY TERRIFIC.
- I HAVE MY CONDITIONS. - NO.
NEVER, I WILL NOT NEGOTIATE WITH GREEDY STREET PEOPLE.
- WAIT, LESLIE, LET'S HEAR HIM OUT.
- WE PLANNED THIS. - CHUK-CHUK...KABOOM!
- ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S IT GONNA TAKE?
- ONE, I WANT THAT PIT FILLED IN, SIR.
- IS THERE A TWO?
- A GUARANTEED STARTING SPOT
ON THE INDIANAPOLIS COLTS-- INSIDE LINEBACKER.
- WE CAN'T ACCOMPLISH THAT.
- I THINK THAT ANDY SEEMS LIKE HE DOESN'T
CARE SO MUCH ABOUT THE SECOND ONE.
AND HE WOULD BE FINE WITH US JUST FILLING IN THE PIT.
WHAT DO YOU SAY, SCOTT?
- YEAH.
EVENTUALLY, WE'RE GONNA FILL IN THE PIT.
- EVENTUALLY?
I'VE ALREADY BEEN INJURED IN THAT THING TWICE.
AND I CAN FALL IN TEN MORE TIMES BY "EVENTUALLY".
EVERY TIME I WALK PAST THAT PIT,
I'M FORCED TO RELIVE THE MOST TRAUMATIC
TWO SEPARATE DAYS OF MY LIFE AND WANNA SUE YOU AGAIN.
- WELL, I HATE TO SAY IT, BUT IT REALLY SEEMS LIKE
ANDY HAS US OVER A BARREL HERE, SCOTT.
- YEAH.
- THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING.
I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
- [laughing] - OW!
- OH, SORRY.
USUALLY IN THESE SITUATIONS A PERSON SAYS "PINCH ME."
- IS THAT ANDY?
- HUH, YEAH.
JUST ONE OF HIS CONDITIONS FOR THE SETTLEMENT, I GUESS.
- HE SETTLED?
- YEP, GAVE UP $100,000 PROBABLY.
JUST FOR ONE THING.
THE CITY FILL IN THE PIT BEHIND YOUR HOUSE.
- WHY?
- WHO KNOWS?
WHO KNOWS WHY THAT GOPHER DOES WHAT HE DOES?
- YOU ALWAYS HATED THIS PIT!
- GOOD-BYE, PIT... HELLO, LOT.
HOW DOES TAKING RISKS MAKE ME FEEL?
AMAZING.
TINGLING SENSATION THROUGHOUT MY WHOLE BODY.
I FEEL FLUSHED.
MY MUSCLES FEEL RELAXED, YET I FEEL AWAKE.
JUST WAVES OF PLEASURE.
I WISH THERE WAS SOMETHING PHYSICAL
THAT CAN MAKE ME FEEL THIS WAY.
- WOW, YOU DID IT.
- YOU THINKING WHAT I'M THINKING?
- THERE'S SO MUCH MORE TO DO. - MY GOD, WE'RE SO CLOSE!
- YEAH. - I'M GONNA CALL KABOOM!
AND CHECK ON THEIR AVAILABILITY FOR NEXT YEAR.
- GREAT. - [clears throat]
- [on phone] INFORMATION.
- HI, YES, I'D LIKE THE NUMBER FOR KABOOM!
THE NATIONAL PLAYGROUND BUILDING CHARITY.
I HOPE THEY CAN WORK US IN.
- [woman on phone] I'M SORRY, THERE'S NO LISTING.
- WHAT? ARE YOU SURE?
- KABOOM! IS A WORD I MADE UP.
IT'S NOT IN ANY DICTIONARY.
I TRICK PEOPLE INTO BUILDING PLAYGROUNDS
IN EMPTY LOTS IN THEIR NEIGHBORHOOD.
IT'S AN ELABORATE PRANK.
FOR MY NEXT PRANK, I'M GOING TO BUILD A HOSPITAL
IN A POOR PART OF CHINA.
THEY'LL NEVER SEE IT COMING!
Captioning at CaptionMax www.captionmax.com