1 00:00:01,802 --> 00:00:03,771 - AND TO MY WIFE, I APOLOGIZE. 2 00:00:03,804 --> 00:00:07,608 ALL I CAN SAY IS, I WASN'T JUST HAVING SEX. 3 00:00:07,641 --> 00:00:11,712 I WAS MAKING LOVE TO A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN... 4 00:00:11,745 --> 00:00:12,746 AND HER BOYFRIEND, 5 00:00:12,780 --> 00:00:16,050 AND A THIRD PERSON WHOSE NAME I NEVER LEARNED. 6 00:00:16,084 --> 00:00:19,153 FURTHERMORE, IT WAS WRONG OF ME TO SAY 7 00:00:19,187 --> 00:00:21,189 I WAS BUILDING HOUSES FOR THE UNDERPRIVILEGED 8 00:00:21,222 --> 00:00:23,791 WHEN I WAS ACTUALLY HAVING FOUR-WAY SEX 9 00:00:23,824 --> 00:00:26,660 IN A CAVE IN BRAZIL. 10 00:00:26,694 --> 00:00:28,462 - I BET CAVE SEX IS IN-SANE. 11 00:00:28,496 --> 00:00:29,397 - WHY? 12 00:00:29,430 --> 00:00:31,632 - BECAUSE OF THE ECHOES AND THE HUMIDITY. 13 00:00:31,665 --> 00:00:35,769 - IN MY DEFENSE, IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY, 14 00:00:35,803 --> 00:00:37,838 AND I REALLY WANTED TO DO IT. 15 00:00:37,871 --> 00:00:39,673 - I THINK IT'S A REAL SHAME 16 00:00:39,707 --> 00:00:43,444 WHEN PEOPLE FOCUS ON THE TAWDRY DETAILS OF A SCANDAL. 17 00:00:43,477 --> 00:00:44,745 PERSONALLY, ALL I CARE ABOUT 18 00:00:44,778 --> 00:00:47,148 IS COUNCILMAN DEXHART'S POLICIES, 19 00:00:47,181 --> 00:00:50,184 NOT WHETHER HE WAS HIGH ON NITROUS AND COCAINE 20 00:00:50,218 --> 00:00:51,819 DURING THE CAVE SEX... 21 00:00:51,852 --> 00:00:53,721 WHICH, BY THE WAY, I HEARD HE WAS. 22 00:00:53,754 --> 00:00:56,257 - ONE MORE SHOCKING REVELATION IN A STORY 23 00:00:56,290 --> 00:00:58,126 THAT JUST WON'T STOP UNFOLDING. 24 00:00:58,159 --> 00:01:00,094 IT TURNS OUT COUNCILMAN DEXHART 25 00:01:00,128 --> 00:01:02,563 MAY HAVE ALSO HAD SEX WITH A PROSTITUTE 26 00:01:02,596 --> 00:01:05,799 IN THE LIMOUSINE ON THE WAY TO AND FROM 27 00:01:05,833 --> 00:01:08,102 THE PRESS CONFERENCE WHERE HE APOLOGIZED 28 00:01:08,136 --> 00:01:09,437 FOR HAVING AN AFFAIR. 29 00:01:09,470 --> 00:01:12,806 - WHY DOES ANYBODY WANT TO RUN FOR PUBLIC OFFICE? 30 00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:15,476 YOU'RE JUST ASKING TO HAVE YOUR ENTIRE LIFE EXPOSED. 31 00:01:15,509 --> 00:01:17,711 - WELL, IF YOU'RE SQUEAKY CLEAN, LIKE I AM, 32 00:01:17,745 --> 00:01:19,313 THERE'S NO PROBLEM. 33 00:01:19,347 --> 00:01:21,482 - TOM, YOU'RE MARRIED, AND YOU HIT ON WOMEN CONSTANTLY. 34 00:01:21,515 --> 00:01:24,485 - YEAH, BUT I'VE NEVER SEALED THE DEAL. 35 00:01:24,518 --> 00:01:25,786 JUST WINDOW SHOPPING. 36 00:01:25,819 --> 00:01:27,321 YOU CAN FLY TO BRAZIL, 37 00:01:27,355 --> 00:01:28,656 JUST DON'T ENTER THE CAVE. AM I RIGHT? 38 00:01:28,689 --> 00:01:30,258 UP TOP. 39 00:01:32,660 --> 00:01:35,429 [triumphant music] 40 00:01:35,463 --> 00:01:43,471 * 41 00:01:52,713 --> 00:01:54,782 - I'M SURE THAT YOU THINK THAT YOU'RE CLEAN, 42 00:01:54,815 --> 00:01:57,385 BUT I BET THAT WE COULD FIND SOMETHING ON YOU. 43 00:01:57,418 --> 00:01:58,619 - I CHANGED MY NAME, WHICH IS LEGAL, 44 00:01:58,652 --> 00:01:59,753 AND ONCE IN HIGH SCHOOL, 45 00:01:59,787 --> 00:02:01,355 A GIRL BEAT ME IN A WRESTLING MATCH. 46 00:02:01,389 --> 00:02:03,391 THAT'S IT. I BET ANYTHING 47 00:02:03,424 --> 00:02:04,825 I CAN FIND WORSE STUFF ON ALL YOU GUYS. 48 00:02:04,858 --> 00:02:06,760 - ARE YOU SUGGESTING A GAME? 49 00:02:06,794 --> 00:02:07,828 I'M IN. 50 00:02:07,861 --> 00:02:10,298 - I'M IN. - I'M OUT. 51 00:02:10,331 --> 00:02:12,666 - NOT AN OPTION, JERRY. YOU'RE GOING DOWN. 52 00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:14,835 - NO, SERIOUSLY, I REALLY DON'T WANT TO PLAY. 53 00:02:14,868 --> 00:02:16,304 - NO, NO, SERIOUSLY, YOU ARE PLAYING. 54 00:02:16,337 --> 00:02:17,771 WE'RE GONNA NAIL YOU. 55 00:02:17,805 --> 00:02:19,440 - I WILL PLAY, TOO. 56 00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:22,343 IF ONLY TO PROVE THAT I CAN FIND MORE DIRT ON YOU 57 00:02:22,376 --> 00:02:23,744 THAN YOU CAN ON ME. 58 00:02:23,777 --> 00:02:26,314 - THAT'S WHY WE'RE ALL PLAYING. 59 00:02:26,347 --> 00:02:28,349 - YOUR DESK IS OVER THERE. 60 00:02:28,382 --> 00:02:30,751 - I LOVE GAMES THAT TURN PEOPLE AGAINST EACH OTHER. 61 00:02:30,784 --> 00:02:32,920 - YOU GUYS WILL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT I JUST FOUND 62 00:02:32,953 --> 00:02:34,688 ON JERRY'S FACEBOOK. 63 00:02:34,722 --> 00:02:37,325 - A FRIEND. BURN. 64 00:02:37,358 --> 00:02:39,693 - OKAY, AGAIN, I'D REALLY RATHER NOT PLAY. 65 00:02:39,727 --> 00:02:41,295 - HEY, GUYS, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING? 66 00:02:41,329 --> 00:02:43,497 - TRYING TO SEE WHO HAS THE LEAST AMOUNT OF DIRT ON THEM 67 00:02:43,531 --> 00:02:45,766 IN CASE SOMEONE WANTS TO RUN FOR OFFICE. 68 00:02:45,799 --> 00:02:47,668 - OH, WELL, IT AIN'T JERRY, THAT'S FOR SURE. 69 00:02:47,701 --> 00:02:49,703 HE'S GOT A COUPLE OF 3-5-9s ON HIM. 70 00:02:49,737 --> 00:02:51,205 PUBLIC URINATION. 71 00:02:51,239 --> 00:02:52,806 - I DON'T LIKE THIS GAME. 72 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:54,675 JUST DON'T LIKE IT. 73 00:02:56,910 --> 00:02:59,513 - HE'S PROBABLY GONNA GO ANGER PEE IN THE COURTYARD. 74 00:02:59,547 --> 00:03:01,715 - [laughs] 75 00:03:01,749 --> 00:03:05,586 - WELL, YOU CRAZY PARK PEOPLE, UH, I'M OUT OF HERE. 76 00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:07,555 LESLIE, I'LL-- I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW. 77 00:03:07,588 --> 00:03:09,957 - TOMORROW WILL BE OUR FIRST OFFICIAL-- 78 00:03:09,990 --> 00:03:11,292 FIRST DATE. 79 00:03:11,325 --> 00:03:12,260 - ROGER THAT. 80 00:03:12,293 --> 00:03:14,662 - COPY. OVER AND OUT. 81 00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:17,598 DAVE AND I ARE GOING ON OUR FIRST DATE TOMORROW. 82 00:03:17,631 --> 00:03:18,966 I'M NOT NERVOUS. 83 00:03:18,999 --> 00:03:20,434 WHY SHOULD I BE NERVOUS? 84 00:03:20,468 --> 00:03:21,935 WE'RE JUST TWO PEOPLE GOING ON A FIRST DATE. 85 00:03:21,969 --> 00:03:23,837 THERE'S NOTHING TO BE NERVOUS ABOUT. 86 00:03:23,871 --> 00:03:25,906 [cell phone rings] AAH! 87 00:03:30,778 --> 00:03:32,746 THAT WAS MY PHONE. 88 00:03:33,947 --> 00:03:34,882 - HEY. - HI THERE. 89 00:03:34,915 --> 00:03:37,285 WHAT ARE YOU, UH... WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 90 00:03:37,318 --> 00:03:38,819 - JUST HAVING LUNCH WITH LESLIE. 91 00:03:38,852 --> 00:03:39,753 WHAT ARE YOU UP TO? 92 00:03:39,787 --> 00:03:41,989 - I'M LOOKING FOR SCANDALOUS INFORMATION 93 00:03:42,022 --> 00:03:46,327 ABOUT MY CO-WORKERS FOR A GAME THAT WE'RE PLAYING. 94 00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:48,829 - MY TAXES PAY YOUR SALARY, RIGHT? 95 00:03:48,862 --> 00:03:50,798 - YEAH. 96 00:03:50,831 --> 00:03:52,800 - COOL. 97 00:03:55,936 --> 00:03:57,805 AND HE LOOKED UP AT ME, 98 00:03:57,838 --> 00:04:01,675 AND HE SAID, "THANK YOU. YOU SAVED MY LIFE." 99 00:04:01,709 --> 00:04:03,911 - YEAH. HEY, LISTEN, 100 00:04:03,944 --> 00:04:05,713 I'M REALLY NERVOUS ABOUT THIS DATE TOMORROW NIGHT. 101 00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:08,582 DO YOU HAVE, LIKE, A FIRST DATE OUTFIT I COULD BORROW? 102 00:04:08,616 --> 00:04:11,018 LIKE, I DON'T KNOW, PAIR OF CARGO PANTS. 103 00:04:11,051 --> 00:04:13,053 - YEAH, I WOULDN'T GO WITH A CARGO PANT. 104 00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:14,988 - WHAT ABOUT, LIKE, A SEXY HAT? 105 00:04:15,022 --> 00:04:16,490 - I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT EVEN IS. 106 00:04:16,524 --> 00:04:17,825 - HELPING ALREADY. 107 00:04:17,858 --> 00:04:19,760 - DO YOU WANT TO JUST COME BY AFTER WORK TODAY? 108 00:04:19,793 --> 00:04:21,495 - SURE, YEAH. TONIGHT? 109 00:04:21,529 --> 00:04:23,664 SEVERAL HOURS FROM NOW? 110 00:04:25,065 --> 00:04:26,767 [sighs] 111 00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:29,670 - OR YOU COULD JUST COME OVER NOW? 112 00:04:29,703 --> 00:04:30,871 - I THINK THAT WOULD BETTER. 113 00:04:30,904 --> 00:04:32,840 THAT WOULD GIVE US MORE TIME. LET'S GO. 114 00:04:36,410 --> 00:04:38,379 - OH, WHAT YOU DOING, GUYS? 115 00:04:38,412 --> 00:04:39,847 LOOKING FOR DIRT ON ME? 116 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:40,848 NO POINT. 117 00:04:40,881 --> 00:04:42,683 GIVE UP NOW. 118 00:04:42,716 --> 00:04:46,320 OH, WAIT, THERE IS THIS. 119 00:04:46,354 --> 00:04:50,358 EVERYBODY, I BOUGHT A CROISSAN'WICH THIS MORNING. 120 00:04:50,391 --> 00:04:53,427 THIS ISN'T EVEN A REAL RECEIPT, JUST A SCRAP OF PAPER. 121 00:04:53,461 --> 00:04:55,363 - TALIBAN ROBES! 122 00:04:55,396 --> 00:04:57,731 - WHAT? WHERE'D YOU GET THAT PHOTO FROM? 123 00:04:57,765 --> 00:05:01,635 - HEY, TOM, NICE TALIBAN ROBES. 124 00:05:01,669 --> 00:05:02,836 - THOSE AREN'T TALIBAN ROBES. 125 00:05:02,870 --> 00:05:03,804 THAT'S FROM HALLOWEEN TEN YEARS AGO. 126 00:05:03,837 --> 00:05:05,506 I WAS DRESSED LIKE A JEDI. 127 00:05:05,539 --> 00:05:08,742 - I'M SURE THAT THE VOTERS WOULD BE ABLE TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE. 128 00:05:08,776 --> 00:05:11,412 - MM, LOOKS TO ME LIKE YOU'RE IN THE TALIBAN. 129 00:05:11,445 --> 00:05:13,914 - WELL, DID EVERYBODY KNOW THAT RON'S EX-WIFE TAMMY 130 00:05:13,947 --> 00:05:16,750 IS ACTUALLY HIS SECOND EX-WIFE NAMED TAMMY? 131 00:05:16,784 --> 00:05:19,853 THAT'S RIGHT. RON HAS TWO EX-WIVES, 132 00:05:19,887 --> 00:05:23,090 EACH NAMED TAMMY. 133 00:05:23,123 --> 00:05:25,459 - BOTH OF THEM BITCHES. 134 00:05:25,493 --> 00:05:28,962 YES, MY MOM'S NAME IS TAMMY. 135 00:05:31,632 --> 00:05:32,766 WHAT'S YOUR POINT? 136 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:36,136 TOM! THAT WAS A JAEGER-SECRET. 137 00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:38,806 YOU JUST BREACHED A JAEGER-SECRET. 138 00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:41,609 - DAMN! THIS JUST HEATED UP QUICK. 139 00:05:43,511 --> 00:05:44,478 - * TA-DA 140 00:05:44,512 --> 00:05:45,613 - THAT LOOKS GREAT. - YEAH? 141 00:05:45,646 --> 00:05:47,881 - WILL YOU BE WEARING IT OUT OF THE STORE TODAY, MADAME? 142 00:05:47,915 --> 00:05:51,719 - [British accent] OH, I THINK I WILL, GOOD LADY. 143 00:05:51,752 --> 00:05:54,522 HEY, WHILE I HAVE YOU, CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION? 144 00:05:54,555 --> 00:05:55,756 - SHOOT. 145 00:05:55,789 --> 00:05:56,824 - WHAT IF HE ASKS ME IF I'VE BEEN MARRIED? 146 00:05:56,857 --> 00:05:57,825 - HAVE YOU? - NO. 147 00:05:57,858 --> 00:05:59,493 - WELL, THEN SAY THAT. 148 00:05:59,527 --> 00:06:00,828 - BUT THEN HE'LL WONDER WHY I HAVEN'T BEEN MARRIED. 149 00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:01,662 YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO? 150 00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:02,863 I'M GONNA SAY THAT I WAS MARRIED, 151 00:06:02,896 --> 00:06:05,399 BUT THE REAL QUESTION IS, SHOULD I SAY THAT I HAVE KIDS? 152 00:06:05,433 --> 00:06:06,834 GUY LIKE GIRLS THAT HAVE KIDS, RIGHT? 153 00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:08,135 - WHOA. - WHAT IF I GET DRUNK 154 00:06:08,168 --> 00:06:09,870 AND I TALK ABOUT DARFUR TOO MUCH? 155 00:06:09,903 --> 00:06:11,839 OR NOT ENOUGH? WHAT IF I DON'T BRING UP DARFUR ENOUGH? 156 00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:13,874 - LESLIE, RELAX. 157 00:06:13,907 --> 00:06:15,809 - YEAH. - OKAY? 158 00:06:15,843 --> 00:06:17,878 - I JUST HAVE A FEW MORE QUESTIONS FOR YOU, ANN. 159 00:06:17,911 --> 00:06:19,713 "WHAT IF HE SHOWS UP WITH ANOTHER WOMAN? 160 00:06:19,747 --> 00:06:21,882 "WHAT IF ONE OF MY SLEEVES CATCHES ON FIRE 161 00:06:21,915 --> 00:06:23,684 "AND IT SPREADS RAPIDLY? 162 00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:25,486 "WHAT IF, INSTEAD OF TIC TACS, 163 00:06:25,519 --> 00:06:27,087 "I ACCIDENTALLY POP A COUPLE OF AMBIEN, 164 00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:28,889 AND I HAVE TO KEEP PUNCHING MY LEG TO STAY AWAKE?" 165 00:06:28,922 --> 00:06:31,425 - THOSE ARE ALL INSANE HYPOTHETICALS, 166 00:06:31,459 --> 00:06:32,993 AND I PROMISE YOU THEY WON'T HAPPEN. 167 00:06:33,026 --> 00:06:36,530 - THEY HAVE HAPPENED. 168 00:06:36,564 --> 00:06:38,832 ALL OF THESE HAVE HAPPENED TO ME. 169 00:06:38,866 --> 00:06:40,067 UH, NO, THERE'S MORE. 170 00:06:40,100 --> 00:06:43,504 ONE TIME, I ACCIDENTALLY DRANK AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VINEGAR. 171 00:06:43,537 --> 00:06:44,572 I THOUGHT IT WAS TERRIBLE WINE. 172 00:06:44,605 --> 00:06:47,475 ONCE, I WENT OUT WITH A GUY WHO WORE 3-D GLASSES 173 00:06:47,508 --> 00:06:48,308 THE ENTIRE EVENING. 174 00:06:48,341 --> 00:06:50,077 OH, ONE TIME, I RODE IN A SIDECAR 175 00:06:50,110 --> 00:06:51,512 ON A GUY'S MOTORCYCLE, 176 00:06:51,545 --> 00:06:52,780 AND THE SIDECAR DETACHED 177 00:06:52,813 --> 00:06:54,815 AND WENT DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS. 178 00:06:54,848 --> 00:06:57,818 ANOTHER TIME, I WENT TO A REALLY BORING MOVIE WITH A GUY, 179 00:06:57,851 --> 00:06:58,886 AND WHILE I WAS ASLEEP, 180 00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:00,788 HE TRIED TO PULL OUT ONE OF MY TEETH. 181 00:07:00,821 --> 00:07:03,791 I LITERALLY WOKE UP WITH HIS HAND IN MY MOUTH. 182 00:07:03,824 --> 00:07:05,526 WE WENT OUT A COUPLE TIMES AFTER THAT, 183 00:07:05,559 --> 00:07:06,560 BUT THEN HE GOT WEIRD. 184 00:07:06,594 --> 00:07:08,228 I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRAZY. 185 00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:11,732 I'M A GROWN WOMAN, BUT I'M JUST NOT GOOD ON FIRST DATES. 186 00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:14,868 - OH. OKAY. OKAY, YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, 187 00:07:14,902 --> 00:07:16,670 AND THIS IS HOW WE'RE GONNA FIX IT. 188 00:07:16,704 --> 00:07:18,205 - I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING. I WEAR AN EARPIECE, 189 00:07:18,238 --> 00:07:20,841 YOU SIT AT A TABLE NEARBY, YOU SPEAK INTO A MIKE, 190 00:07:20,874 --> 00:07:22,175 YOU TELL ME WHAT TO SAY ON THE DATE, 191 00:07:22,209 --> 00:07:24,111 BUT LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, ANN, IT NEVER WORKS. 192 00:07:24,144 --> 00:07:26,179 - NO, NO, NO, WE ARE GONNA GO TO A RESTAURANT 193 00:07:26,213 --> 00:07:27,347 AND HAVE A PRACTICE DATE. 194 00:07:27,380 --> 00:07:29,883 I WILL PRETEND TO BE DAVE, AND YOU WILL PRACTICE ON ME. 195 00:07:29,917 --> 00:07:33,754 - OH, THAT'S A WAY BETTER IDEA. 196 00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:36,624 HEY, DAVE, IT'S ME. IT'S LESLIE. 197 00:07:36,657 --> 00:07:38,091 - HI, LESLIE, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU. 198 00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:39,927 YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THAT QUITE YET. 199 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:44,097 - OH! SO, DAVE, LET'S BEGIN OUR CONVERSATION. 200 00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:48,201 - WHAT'S ON THE NOTE CARDS? 201 00:07:48,235 --> 00:07:50,103 - THEY'RE POSSIBLE TOPICS OF CONVERSATION. 202 00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:53,907 WHALES, PARADES, ELECTRICITY... 203 00:07:53,941 --> 00:07:55,576 AND THE REST ARE BLANK. 204 00:07:55,609 --> 00:07:57,210 - YEAH, WELL, I COULDN'T THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE. 205 00:07:57,244 --> 00:07:59,847 - LESLIE'S IN WORSE SHAPE THAN I THOUGHT. 206 00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:03,751 - [laughing] 207 00:08:03,784 --> 00:08:06,053 - IS SHE PRACTICE LAUGHING? 208 00:08:06,086 --> 00:08:10,558 - OH, DAVE. YOU--AHEM. 209 00:08:13,293 --> 00:08:14,828 - THE DANISH CALL IT OPPE OG NEDE APPARAT, 210 00:08:14,862 --> 00:08:16,930 WHICH LITERALLY TRANSLATED MEANS 211 00:08:16,964 --> 00:08:18,566 "THE UP AND DOWN MACHINE." 212 00:08:18,599 --> 00:08:21,735 - WOW. THAT'S A THOROUGH HISTORY OF THE TEETER-TOTTER. 213 00:08:21,769 --> 00:08:22,903 - NOW I'M GONNA TALK ABOUT 214 00:08:22,936 --> 00:08:25,573 THE LOCAL FLORA AND FAUNA FOUND IN PAWNEE. 215 00:08:25,606 --> 00:08:27,975 - OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST ASK ME A QUESTION. 216 00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:29,042 JUST TRY TO GET TO KNOW ME. 217 00:08:29,076 --> 00:08:32,312 - OKAY. 218 00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:33,914 I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING TO ASK YOU. 219 00:08:33,947 --> 00:08:35,716 I'M SORRY. MY MIND IS BLANK. 220 00:08:35,749 --> 00:08:37,718 - JUST ASK ME THE FIRST THING THAT COMES TO YOUR HEAD. 221 00:08:37,751 --> 00:08:40,654 - HOW BIG IS IT? 222 00:08:40,688 --> 00:08:42,990 - REALLY? - OH, MY GOD. 223 00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:45,325 - HEY, TOMMY. HI. 224 00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:46,159 YOU READY? 225 00:08:46,193 --> 00:08:49,630 - YES, I AM. JUST GIVE ME ONE SECOND. 226 00:08:49,663 --> 00:08:51,999 HEY, DONNA, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING. 227 00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:53,333 DO YOU HATE BLACK PEOPLE? 228 00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:54,702 - EXCUSE ME? 229 00:08:54,735 --> 00:08:56,837 - 'CAUSE APPARENTLY IN 1988, 230 00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:58,672 YOU DONATED MONEY 231 00:08:58,706 --> 00:09:00,608 TO THE PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN FOR... 232 00:09:00,641 --> 00:09:01,975 DAVID DUKE! 233 00:09:02,009 --> 00:09:03,176 - THE KKK GUY? 234 00:09:03,210 --> 00:09:04,712 - I GOT A PHONE CALL. 235 00:09:04,745 --> 00:09:06,113 THEY SAID HE WOULD LOWER TAXES. 236 00:09:06,146 --> 00:09:07,615 - BOOM! 237 00:09:07,648 --> 00:09:08,916 HOW'S IT FEEL TO LOSE SO HARD? 238 00:09:08,949 --> 00:09:11,885 I'M SORRY, HONEY. LET'S GET COFFEE. 239 00:09:11,919 --> 00:09:15,088 RE-RON, YOU REMEMBER MY WIFE, WENDY HAVERFORD. 240 00:09:15,122 --> 00:09:16,590 - OF COURSE. HOW ARE THINGS AT THE HOSPITAL? 241 00:09:16,624 --> 00:09:19,126 - UH, VERY GOOD, THANK YOU. 242 00:09:19,159 --> 00:09:21,294 I JUST GOT A PEDIATRIC SURGERY FELLOWSHIP. 243 00:09:21,328 --> 00:09:22,262 - OH, NICE. 244 00:09:22,295 --> 00:09:24,698 - WE'RE CELEBRATING, 'CAUSE SHE'S SUPER RICH 245 00:09:24,732 --> 00:09:26,366 AND SUPER HOT ALSO. 246 00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:28,235 - OKAY, COME ON, TOMMY. CUT IT OUT. 247 00:09:28,268 --> 00:09:29,603 - YOU'RE SUPER HOT. 248 00:09:29,637 --> 00:09:31,071 EVERYBODY ELSE HAS TO DEAL WITH IT. 249 00:09:31,104 --> 00:09:34,007 LET'S GET OUT OF HERE. SEE YOU LATER, RON. 250 00:09:34,041 --> 00:09:37,945 - I'VE ESTABLISHED A SCIENTIFICALLY PERFECT 251 00:09:37,978 --> 00:09:40,013 TEN-POINT SCALE OF HUMAN BEAUTY. 252 00:09:40,047 --> 00:09:42,182 WENDY IS A 7.4, 253 00:09:42,215 --> 00:09:44,718 WHICH IS WAY TOO HIGH FOR TOM, 254 00:09:44,752 --> 00:09:46,854 WHO IS A 3.8. 255 00:09:46,887 --> 00:09:51,825 TEN IS TENNIS LEGEND STEFFI GRAF. 256 00:09:51,859 --> 00:09:53,894 - HI, DAVE. 257 00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:55,228 - YOU'RE LATE, 258 00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:57,164 AND I CAN SEE YOUR NIPPLES THROUGH YOUR DRESS. 259 00:09:57,197 --> 00:09:58,866 - WHAT? NO. REALLY? 260 00:09:58,899 --> 00:10:01,234 - IN NURSING SCHOOL, WE TOOK A PSYCH COURSE 261 00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:02,135 ON HOW TO TREAT PHOBIAS 262 00:10:02,169 --> 00:10:04,705 WITH A METHOD CALLED EXPOSURE THERAPY. 263 00:10:04,738 --> 00:10:06,239 SO LIKE IF YOU WERE AFRAID OF SNAKES, 264 00:10:06,273 --> 00:10:08,709 THEY WOULD IMMERSE YOU IN A TANK OF SNAKES, 265 00:10:08,742 --> 00:10:12,846 SO I AM GOING TO IMMERSE LESLIE IN A TANK OF BAD DATE. 266 00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:15,048 YOU'RE 20 MINUTES LATE. I ALMOST LEFT. 267 00:10:15,082 --> 00:10:19,419 - OKAY. WELL, I WAS, UH... DROPPING MY NIECE OFF. 268 00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:20,654 - WHAT'S YOUR NIECE'S NAME? 269 00:10:20,688 --> 00:10:23,356 - TORPLE. WHAT? I DON'T KNOW. 270 00:10:23,390 --> 00:10:25,859 THAT'S NOT A NAME. I DON'T HAVE A NIECE. 271 00:10:25,893 --> 00:10:26,927 - [sighs] 272 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,428 - MY NIECE'S NAME IS STEPHANIE? 273 00:10:28,461 --> 00:10:30,197 - STOP LYING! - HEY, LOOK, THERE'S BREAD! 274 00:10:30,230 --> 00:10:31,865 YOU WANT SOME--OH, NO! 275 00:10:31,899 --> 00:10:34,802 OH, I GOT FLOWERS IN YOUR SOUP. I'M SO SORRY, UM... 276 00:10:34,835 --> 00:10:38,038 JUST--I HAVE TO GO TO THE, UM... 277 00:10:38,071 --> 00:10:40,040 WHIZZ PALACE. YOU KNOW, DAVE, THE-- 278 00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:41,675 THE PLACE WHERE YOU-- 279 00:10:41,709 --> 00:10:43,711 YOU KNOW, THE TOILET THING. 280 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:48,916 IT'S A BATHROOM! 281 00:10:48,949 --> 00:10:50,784 IT'S CALLED A BATHROOM! 282 00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:57,457 - HEY, MARK, UM, A LITTLE BIRDY TOLD ME 283 00:10:57,490 --> 00:11:00,728 THAT YOU HAVE ONE UNPAID PARKING TICKET. 284 00:11:00,761 --> 00:11:02,395 - THAT'S FUNNY, BECAUSE A LITTLE BIRDY TOLD ME 285 00:11:02,429 --> 00:11:03,931 THAT YOUR ADOPTIVE MOTHER 286 00:11:03,964 --> 00:11:05,833 WAS ARRESTED FOR MARIJUANA POSSESSION. 287 00:11:05,866 --> 00:11:08,135 - [laughing] OH, SNAP! 288 00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:10,103 - WHAT? - YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT, HUH? 289 00:11:12,472 --> 00:11:14,441 - I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS ADOPTED. 290 00:11:17,044 --> 00:11:18,979 - OH, NO. OH, JERRY. 291 00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:20,848 OH, JERRY, I'M SO SORRY. 292 00:11:20,881 --> 00:11:22,883 - I REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO PLAY. 293 00:11:24,484 --> 00:11:25,986 - THAT WAS NOT MY INTENTION. 294 00:11:26,019 --> 00:11:27,120 - IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. 295 00:11:27,154 --> 00:11:30,090 HE TOTALLY BAITED YOU WITH THAT UNPAID PARKING TICKET. 296 00:11:30,123 --> 00:11:33,360 - TOM, COULD YOU COME INTO MY OFFICE? 297 00:11:33,393 --> 00:11:35,863 TOM-MATO SAUCE. 298 00:11:35,896 --> 00:11:37,731 - RON-TANAMO BAY. 299 00:11:37,765 --> 00:11:39,432 - DO BE SEATED, 300 00:11:39,466 --> 00:11:42,035 AND CONGRATULATE ME. 301 00:11:42,069 --> 00:11:43,436 - FOR WHAT? 302 00:11:43,470 --> 00:11:44,471 - WINNING THE GAME. 303 00:11:44,504 --> 00:11:46,006 I JUST FOUND OUT, 304 00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:48,208 THROUGH SOME PRETTY IMPRESSIVE INVESTIGATING, 305 00:11:48,241 --> 00:11:50,778 THAT YOUR WEDDING WAS A SHAM. 306 00:11:50,811 --> 00:11:52,379 IT'S A GREEN CARD MARRIAGE. 307 00:11:52,412 --> 00:11:54,414 - THAT'S CRAZY. I WAS BORN IN SOUTH CAROLINA. 308 00:11:54,447 --> 00:11:55,282 THESE COLORS DON'T RUN, BABY. 309 00:11:55,315 --> 00:11:58,218 - YES, BUT WENDY WAS BORN IN OTTAWA... 310 00:11:58,251 --> 00:11:59,219 CANADA! 311 00:11:59,252 --> 00:12:01,421 HER VISA WAS SET TO EXPIRE 312 00:12:01,454 --> 00:12:02,823 THE DAY AFTER YOU GOT MARRIED 313 00:12:02,856 --> 00:12:04,524 AT THE COUNTY COURTHOUSE 314 00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:07,795 IN FRONT OF THREE STRANGERS AND NO FAMILY. 315 00:12:07,828 --> 00:12:10,463 - OKAY, WE MET IN COLLEGE. 316 00:12:10,497 --> 00:12:12,265 SHE WANTED TO WORK IN THE STATES. 317 00:12:12,299 --> 00:12:14,534 SHE COULDN'T GET A PERMIT. 318 00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:17,404 - I KNEW IT. I KNEW YOU COULDN'T GET A WIFE AS HOT AS HER. 319 00:12:17,437 --> 00:12:19,539 - SERIOUSLY, RON, GAMES ASIDE, 320 00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:21,541 YOU GOT TO KEEP THIS BETWEEN US. DON'T TELL ANYBODY, PLEASE. 321 00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:23,476 - COME ON, DON'T WORRY. I'M NOT GONNA TURN YOU IN. 322 00:12:23,510 --> 00:12:26,546 JUST ADMIT THAT WHEN IT COMES TO DIGGING UP DIRT, 323 00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:28,281 I BESTED YOU IN THIS GAME. 324 00:12:28,315 --> 00:12:29,817 SAY IT. SAY "I BESTED YOU." 325 00:12:29,850 --> 00:12:32,419 - FINE, YOU BESTED ME. IS THAT ALL? 326 00:12:32,452 --> 00:12:34,154 - NO. 327 00:12:34,187 --> 00:12:35,923 I'LL HAVE YOUR WIFE TONIGHT. 328 00:12:35,956 --> 00:12:36,957 - WHAT? 329 00:12:36,990 --> 00:12:39,292 - NO, I'M JUST KIDDING. 330 00:12:39,326 --> 00:12:40,427 GET OUT OF HERE. 331 00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:42,529 - WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT, DAVE? 332 00:12:42,562 --> 00:12:45,098 THAT DOG WAS LIKE MY BEST FRIEND, AND WHEN SHE DIED-- 333 00:12:45,132 --> 00:12:47,134 - BRRING BRRING, BRRING BRRING, BRRING. 334 00:12:47,167 --> 00:12:48,468 HEY, TIFFANY. 335 00:12:48,501 --> 00:12:51,038 YEAH, I DEFINITELY WANT TO SEE YOU TONIGHT. 336 00:12:51,071 --> 00:12:53,340 NO, I CAN'T REALLY TALK RIGHT NOW, 337 00:12:53,373 --> 00:12:54,842 'CAUSE I'M A DATE WITH THIS DRIP. 338 00:12:54,875 --> 00:12:56,576 YEAH, I CAN ASK. 339 00:12:56,609 --> 00:12:58,545 HEY, DO YOU WANT TO WATCH A PORNO AFTER THIS 340 00:12:58,578 --> 00:13:00,313 WITH ME AND MY WIFE? 341 00:13:00,347 --> 00:13:04,517 - NO, DAVE, 'CAUSE YOU'RE DISGUSTING. 342 00:13:04,551 --> 00:13:05,618 - SO IT'S DEFINITELY A NO? 343 00:13:05,652 --> 00:13:07,955 - I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'RE BEING SO TERRIBLE. 344 00:13:07,988 --> 00:13:09,556 WE'RE JUST TWO PEOPLE TRYING TO GO ON A DATE. 345 00:13:09,589 --> 00:13:11,491 IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE FUN. IT'S JUST A DATE. 346 00:13:11,524 --> 00:13:12,559 - YOU'RE RIGHT, IT IS. 347 00:13:12,592 --> 00:13:13,961 WELL DONE. 348 00:13:13,994 --> 00:13:16,096 SORRY I HAD TO GET ALL MEDICAL ON YOU, 349 00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:18,431 BUT NOW YOU SEE THAT EVEN IF EVERYTHING GOES WRONG, 350 00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:19,432 YOU'LL SURVIVE. 351 00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:23,570 - WELL, WELL, WELL. 352 00:13:23,603 --> 00:13:25,839 YOU COY BASTARD. 353 00:13:28,441 --> 00:13:30,343 - MARK. 354 00:13:30,377 --> 00:13:31,544 - TOM. 355 00:13:31,578 --> 00:13:32,612 - YOU HATE RON, RIGHT? 356 00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:34,848 - NO, I THINK RON IS FINE. 357 00:13:34,882 --> 00:13:36,183 - SO WE'RE ON THE SAME PAGE. 358 00:13:36,216 --> 00:13:37,550 YOU GOT TO HELP ME TAKE THIS GUY DOWN. 359 00:13:37,584 --> 00:13:39,252 THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING ON HIM. 360 00:13:39,286 --> 00:13:42,222 - TOM, I'M STARTING TO FEEL KIND OF GROSS ABOUT THIS GAME. 361 00:13:42,255 --> 00:13:43,490 - IT'S NOT ABOUT THE GAME ANYMORE. 362 00:13:43,523 --> 00:13:45,959 RON HAS SOME SERIOUS DIRT ON ME. I NEED TO BALANCE THINGS OUT. 363 00:13:45,993 --> 00:13:47,494 YOU MUST KNOW HOW THAT FEELS. 364 00:13:47,527 --> 00:13:48,595 YOU GOT TONS OF DIRT IN YOUR PAST. 365 00:13:48,628 --> 00:13:50,297 PLEASE, YOU GOTTA HELP ME. 366 00:13:53,233 --> 00:13:56,236 - THERE IS A MAN NAMED DUKE SILVER. 367 00:13:56,269 --> 00:13:58,338 HE HANGS OUT AT A BAR IN EAGLETON. 368 00:13:58,371 --> 00:14:00,573 HE'S AN OLD FRIEND OF RON'S. 369 00:14:00,607 --> 00:14:02,242 MAYBE YOU SHOULD ASK HIM. 370 00:14:02,275 --> 00:14:03,443 - THANKS, MAN. 371 00:14:03,476 --> 00:14:05,478 I'M GONNA DIG UP SO MUCH DIRT ON THIS GUY, 372 00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:08,348 THERE'S GONNA BE WORMS ALL OVER THE PLACE. 373 00:14:09,983 --> 00:14:11,885 IT SOUNDED SNAPPIER IN MY HEAD. - YEAH. 374 00:14:11,919 --> 00:14:14,021 - ANN IS SO AWESOME. 375 00:14:14,054 --> 00:14:16,523 I'M LUCKY TO HAVE A FRIEND WHO WOULD SPEND A WHOLE DAY 376 00:14:16,556 --> 00:14:19,459 BEING SO MEAN TO ME. 377 00:14:19,492 --> 00:14:20,560 CATCH. 378 00:14:20,593 --> 00:14:21,995 I DON'T NEED YOUR DRESS ANYMORE. 379 00:14:22,029 --> 00:14:23,030 I'M GONNA WEAR MY OWN STUFF. 380 00:14:23,063 --> 00:14:24,264 ME POWER. 381 00:14:24,297 --> 00:14:27,100 - GOOD. YOU'RE OFFICIALLY FIRST DATE-PROOF. 382 00:14:27,134 --> 00:14:28,168 - THANK YOU, DAVE. 383 00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:29,903 - MM-MM. LISTEN... 384 00:14:29,937 --> 00:14:32,605 IT IS IMPOSSIBLE THAT HE'S NOT GONNA LIKE YOU. 385 00:14:32,639 --> 00:14:34,474 HE'S GONNA FREAK OUT ABOUT HOW AWESOME YOU ARE. 386 00:14:34,507 --> 00:14:35,608 - NO, HE'S NOT. 387 00:14:35,642 --> 00:14:37,477 - YES, HE IS. HE'S GONNA LOVE YOU. 388 00:14:37,510 --> 00:14:39,346 YOU'RE COOL, AND YOU'RE SEXY, 389 00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:40,480 AND YOU'RE FUNNY, AND YOU'RE SMART. 390 00:14:40,513 --> 00:14:42,682 ANY GUY WOULD BE LUCKY TO DATE YOU. 391 00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:44,484 - YEAH! - YEAH! HELL, YEAH! 392 00:14:44,517 --> 00:14:46,553 - HELL, YEAH! I AM AWESOME! 393 00:14:46,586 --> 00:14:48,221 - YOU ARE AWESOME. - YEAH! 394 00:14:48,255 --> 00:14:49,556 - AND YOU ARE, TOO. 395 00:14:49,589 --> 00:14:50,557 - THANK YOU. 396 00:14:50,590 --> 00:14:52,025 - YOU ARE, TOO. - THANK YOU. 397 00:14:52,059 --> 00:14:53,961 - YOU ARE, TOO, ANN! - OKAY! 398 00:14:53,994 --> 00:14:55,595 YOU'RE AWESOME. - YOU'RE AWESOME. 399 00:14:59,132 --> 00:15:00,433 HELP, POLICE! 400 00:15:00,467 --> 00:15:03,503 HELP! HELP! 401 00:15:03,536 --> 00:15:05,205 - HEY. 402 00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:08,375 - LOOK, I KNOW TODAY IS TODAY, 403 00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:10,677 AND IT'S NOT TOMORROW, BUT I FELT LIKE YOU SHOULD KNOW 404 00:15:10,710 --> 00:15:13,580 THAT I'M AWESOME, AND YOU'RE LUCKY TO HAVE ME. 405 00:15:13,613 --> 00:15:15,648 AND, UM, I THINK OUR FIRST DATE TOMORROW'S 406 00:15:15,682 --> 00:15:17,450 GONNA GO AWESOME, OFF THE CHARTS. 407 00:15:17,484 --> 00:15:20,988 UM, AMAZING. UP TOP. 408 00:15:21,021 --> 00:15:23,623 ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THIS BITCH! 409 00:15:23,656 --> 00:15:25,225 I'M NOT SCARED. 410 00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:26,493 CAN I COME IN AND SIT DOWN FOR A BIT? 411 00:15:26,526 --> 00:15:28,728 'CAUSE I WALKED HERE 'CAUSE OF THE DRINKING. 412 00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:30,163 - I DON'T KNOW. 413 00:15:30,197 --> 00:15:31,264 - I DO KNOW. 414 00:15:31,298 --> 00:15:33,066 I'M COMING INSIDE, SO MOVE. OKAY? 415 00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:35,502 YOU MAKE A BETTER DOOR THAN A GUY. 416 00:15:38,405 --> 00:15:41,008 - HEY, THIS IS GONNA SOUND WEIRD. 417 00:15:41,041 --> 00:15:42,976 I'M LOOKING FOR A GUY NAMED DUKE SILVER. 418 00:15:43,010 --> 00:15:45,345 - YEAH, HE GOES ON IN A SECOND. 419 00:15:45,378 --> 00:15:49,282 - LADIES, LADIES, LADIES, IT'S JUST ABOUT THAT TIME. 420 00:15:49,316 --> 00:15:52,419 IT'S WITH THE JAZZIEST PLEASURE THAT I BRING OUT FOR YOU 421 00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:55,288 MY MAN, MR. DUKE SILVER. 422 00:15:55,322 --> 00:15:59,559 [cheers and applause] 423 00:15:59,592 --> 00:16:01,694 - THANK YOU, DWAYNE. 424 00:16:01,728 --> 00:16:03,296 AS ALWAYS, IT IS A THRILL 425 00:16:03,330 --> 00:16:05,198 TO BE HERE DURING THIS WITCHING HOUR 426 00:16:05,232 --> 00:16:06,533 WITH YOU LOVELY LADIES. 427 00:16:06,566 --> 00:16:09,669 NOW RELAX AND LET THE DUKE SILVER TRIO 428 00:16:09,702 --> 00:16:13,106 TAKE YOU ON A LITTLE JOURNEY... TO YOURSELF. 429 00:16:13,140 --> 00:16:16,376 [playing Foreigner's I Want To Know What Love Is] 430 00:16:16,409 --> 00:16:23,650 * 431 00:16:27,554 --> 00:16:30,057 - ANN WAS HELPING ME, 432 00:16:30,090 --> 00:16:32,559 BECAUSE I WAS PANICKING ABOUT TOMORROW. 433 00:16:32,592 --> 00:16:35,395 - DID I SAY SOMETHING TO MAKE YOU WORRY ABOUT TO-- 434 00:16:35,428 --> 00:16:38,665 - NO! NO, JUST THE WHOLE IDEA OF FIRST DATES 435 00:16:38,698 --> 00:16:40,400 JUST KIND OF FREAK ME OUT. 436 00:16:40,433 --> 00:16:41,634 BUT NOT ANYMORE. 437 00:16:41,668 --> 00:16:44,271 I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE THAT I WAS SCARED 438 00:16:44,304 --> 00:16:45,738 TO GO ON A DATE WITH YOU. 439 00:16:45,772 --> 00:16:47,607 I MEAN, YOU SHOULD BE SCARED OF ME. 440 00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:49,409 - OKAY. 441 00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:51,711 - I THINK I NEED TO RETURN THIS SWEATER. 442 00:16:51,744 --> 00:16:54,747 I THINK IT FUSED WITH MY SHIRT IN THE DRYER OR SOMETHING. 443 00:16:54,781 --> 00:16:58,718 - I THINK THAT'S A SWEATER-SHIRT COMBO. 444 00:16:58,751 --> 00:17:02,622 - I THINK IT'S GOING PRETTY WELL WITH DAVE. 445 00:17:02,655 --> 00:17:03,723 HE WANTS ME. 446 00:17:03,756 --> 00:17:05,658 I CAN TOTALLY TELL THAT HE WANTS ME. 447 00:17:05,692 --> 00:17:06,693 - HEY, I'M RIGHT HERE. 448 00:17:06,726 --> 00:17:09,729 YOU KNOW I'M HERE, RIGHT? 449 00:17:09,762 --> 00:17:12,265 - DID YOU SEE MY BRA? HMM? 450 00:17:12,299 --> 00:17:13,633 BEEP-BOOP. 451 00:17:13,666 --> 00:17:14,834 GUESS WHAT? I'M WEARING THE HOT ONE TOMORROW, 452 00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:16,336 THE BLACK ONE. - OKAY. 453 00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:17,437 - CAN I USE YOUR BATHROOM? 454 00:17:17,470 --> 00:17:18,805 - YES. 455 00:17:18,838 --> 00:17:20,240 - ARE YOU IMPRESSED THAT I KNOW WHAT IT'S CALLED? 456 00:17:20,273 --> 00:17:21,474 - MAYBE I OUGHT TO GIVE YOU A LIFT HOME. 457 00:17:21,508 --> 00:17:24,644 - OH, GOOD. WELL, IN LONDON, THEY CALL THE ELEVATORS LIFTS, 458 00:17:24,677 --> 00:17:26,079 SO YOU'RE GONNA GIVE ME AN ELEVATOR HOME? 459 00:17:26,113 --> 00:17:27,480 NO, THANK YOU. - OKAY, LET'S GO. 460 00:17:27,514 --> 00:17:30,683 - [British accent] OKAY. LET'S GO DOWN TO THE PUB... 461 00:17:30,717 --> 00:17:32,352 - THAT'S RIGHT. - AND GET A PINT. 462 00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:35,122 WE'LL PUT OUR KNICKERS IN THE BEATLE RECORDS. 463 00:17:35,155 --> 00:17:36,489 THIS IS AN ENGLISH ACCENT. 464 00:17:36,523 --> 00:17:39,426 - WHAT I CANNOT BELIEVE IS DEXHART'S WIFE. 465 00:17:39,459 --> 00:17:41,294 I MEAN, HOW CLUELESS CAN YOU GET? 466 00:17:41,328 --> 00:17:44,164 HOW DID SHE NOT KNOW THIS WAS GOING ON? 467 00:17:44,197 --> 00:17:46,533 MORE IMPORTANTLY, HOW DOES SHE STAY WITH HIM 468 00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:48,101 AFTER ALL THIS? 469 00:17:48,135 --> 00:17:52,472 - HEY, CAN I HELP YOU AT, UH... 470 00:17:52,505 --> 00:17:53,806 11:48 P.M.? 471 00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:55,442 - OKAY, HERE'S THE WHOLE THING. 472 00:17:55,475 --> 00:17:56,809 HERE ARE ALL MY SKELETONS. 473 00:17:56,843 --> 00:17:59,812 WHEN I WAS 16, I HAD SEX WITH A MARRIED WOMAN. 474 00:17:59,846 --> 00:18:00,813 - RIGHT. 475 00:18:00,847 --> 00:18:01,548 - WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE, 476 00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:03,316 I SMOKED A DECENT AMOUNT OF POT. 477 00:18:03,350 --> 00:18:05,118 - UH-HUH. - NOTHING INSANE. 478 00:18:05,152 --> 00:18:06,553 - WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? 479 00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:07,720 - WHAT I'M DOING, ANN, IS I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU 480 00:18:07,754 --> 00:18:10,490 THAT I'VE DONE SOME STUFF THAT I'M NOT VERY PROUD OF, 481 00:18:10,523 --> 00:18:11,524 AND I LIKE YOU, 482 00:18:11,558 --> 00:18:13,326 SO I WOULD RATHER YOU NOT FIND OUT ABOUT THIS 483 00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:15,128 FROM ANYONE BUT ME. 484 00:18:15,162 --> 00:18:16,729 THIS WAS A BAD IDEA. 485 00:18:16,763 --> 00:18:17,730 - [laughs] 486 00:18:17,764 --> 00:18:19,766 NO, NO, IT'S...IT'S FINE. 487 00:18:19,799 --> 00:18:21,568 I GET WHAT THIS IS 488 00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:23,636 AND WHY YOU DID IT. 489 00:18:23,670 --> 00:18:26,406 - IS THERE ANYTHING THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO SHARE 490 00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:29,242 FROM YOUR PAST TO SORT OF BALANCE THE SCALES? 491 00:18:29,276 --> 00:18:32,279 - YEAH. ONE TIME, THIS GUY RANG MY DOORBELL AT MIDNIGHT 492 00:18:32,312 --> 00:18:34,647 TO BRAG ABOUT GETTING LAID WHEN HE WAS 16, SO I SHOT HIM. 493 00:18:34,681 --> 00:18:37,350 - GOOD NIGHT. 494 00:18:37,384 --> 00:18:40,720 - IT'S BEEN A REAL GIFT MAKING SONIC LOVE TO YOU TONIGHT. 495 00:18:40,753 --> 00:18:42,922 IF YOU WANT MORE OF THE DUKE, 496 00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:44,724 BOTH MY ALBUMS ARE FOR SALE HERE-- 497 00:18:44,757 --> 00:18:47,560 SMOOTH AS SILVER AND HI HO, DUKE. 498 00:18:47,594 --> 00:18:49,696 AND LOOK FOR MY NEW CD NEXT MONTH, 499 00:18:49,729 --> 00:18:52,432 MEMORIES OF NOW. 500 00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:54,801 SO COME SEE ME, COME TALK TO ME, 501 00:18:54,834 --> 00:18:56,303 COME LOVE WITH ME, 502 00:18:56,336 --> 00:18:58,938 AND MAYBE WE CAN WALK THROUGH FIRE TOGETHER. 503 00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:00,673 THANK YOU. GOOD NIGHT 504 00:19:00,707 --> 00:19:03,643 [final note, applause] 505 00:19:05,878 --> 00:19:09,416 - DUKE! HUGE FAN. 506 00:19:13,786 --> 00:19:16,256 - LOOK, TOM, I IMAGINE 507 00:19:16,289 --> 00:19:17,590 YOU'LL WANT TO TELL EVERYONE ABOUT THIS, 508 00:19:17,624 --> 00:19:19,259 BUT I HAVE WORKED PRETTY HARD 509 00:19:19,292 --> 00:19:20,827 TO CULTIVATE A CERTAIN AUTHORITATIVE 510 00:19:20,860 --> 00:19:22,695 OR INTIMIDATING IMAGE AROUND THE OFFICE. 511 00:19:22,729 --> 00:19:24,664 - CAN I GET A PICTURE? - SURE. 512 00:19:24,697 --> 00:19:26,266 - SAY, "I BESTED YOU." 513 00:19:26,299 --> 00:19:29,269 - I BESTED YOU. 514 00:19:29,302 --> 00:19:31,238 - ALL RIGHT. THANKS FOR LOVIN' THE DUKE. 515 00:19:31,271 --> 00:19:33,340 - THAT-- THAT WAS A LOVELY PHOTO. 516 00:19:33,373 --> 00:19:34,807 - TRUCE? 517 00:19:34,841 --> 00:19:36,943 - TRUCE. 518 00:19:36,976 --> 00:19:38,811 YOU'RE KIDDING ME. 519 00:19:38,845 --> 00:19:40,513 - NO, I'M NOT. 520 00:19:40,547 --> 00:19:41,848 - YOU SHOWED UP AT THE GUY'S HOUSE, 521 00:19:41,881 --> 00:19:44,217 IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, DRUNK, 522 00:19:44,251 --> 00:19:45,852 AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN SLEEP WITH HIM? 523 00:19:45,885 --> 00:19:48,388 - SHOULD I HAVE? - IT NEVER HURTS. 524 00:19:48,421 --> 00:19:49,956 - GOD. 525 00:19:49,989 --> 00:19:51,591 - HEY. 526 00:19:51,624 --> 00:19:52,692 - HEY. 527 00:19:52,725 --> 00:19:54,894 - HEY! 528 00:19:54,927 --> 00:19:56,896 - UH, AHEM, YOU, UH... 529 00:19:56,929 --> 00:19:58,965 YOU LEFT QUITE A BIT OF STUFF AT MY PLACE LAST NIGHT-- 530 00:19:58,998 --> 00:20:02,435 PURSE AND EARRINGS AND A SHOE. 531 00:20:02,469 --> 00:20:04,237 - I AM SO SORRY FOR WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT. 532 00:20:04,271 --> 00:20:05,705 ON MY LIST OF EMBARRASSING THINGS 533 00:20:05,738 --> 00:20:08,007 THAT I'VE DONE IN MY LIFE, THAT WAS... 534 00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:09,909 NUMBERS ONE THROUGH SEVEN. 535 00:20:09,942 --> 00:20:12,545 I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND IF YOU WANT TO CANCEL. 536 00:20:12,579 --> 00:20:14,314 - IT'S OKAY. YOU CAN MAKE IT UP TO ME TONIGHT 537 00:20:14,347 --> 00:20:15,582 ON OUR SECOND DATE. 538 00:20:15,615 --> 00:20:16,949 - SECOND? 539 00:20:16,983 --> 00:20:19,319 - WELL, YEAH, LAST NIGHT WAS OUR FIRST DATE, 540 00:20:19,352 --> 00:20:20,620 SO THAT WOULD MAKE TONIGHT OUR SECOND. 541 00:20:20,653 --> 00:20:22,355 I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO IT. 542 00:20:22,389 --> 00:20:23,990 8:00? 543 00:20:24,023 --> 00:20:25,325 - 8:00. 544 00:20:25,358 --> 00:20:27,527 - YOU LIKE DANCING? 545 00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:28,728 - YEAH. 546 00:20:28,761 --> 00:20:30,263 - I DON'T LIKE DANCING. 547 00:20:30,297 --> 00:20:31,398 - WE DON'T HAVE TO GO. - OKAY. 548 00:20:31,431 --> 00:20:33,466 - WELL, WE WENT ON OUR FIRST DATE, 549 00:20:33,500 --> 00:20:37,670 AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT, A.K.A. I NAILED IT. 550 00:20:37,704 --> 00:20:39,972 NO FIRES, NO AMBULANCES. 551 00:20:40,006 --> 00:20:41,741 JUST GOOD OLD-FASHIONED SHOWING UP DRUNK 552 00:20:41,774 --> 00:20:44,511 AT A GUY'S HOUSE LATE AT NIGHT. 553 00:20:47,046 --> 00:20:49,449 - HOWEVER, I WANT TO BE CLEAR. 554 00:20:49,482 --> 00:20:51,884 I HAVE NO PLANS TO RESIGN. 555 00:20:51,918 --> 00:20:54,487 - IS IT WEIRD THAT MY FEELINGS ARE HURT 556 00:20:54,521 --> 00:20:57,724 THAT NO ONE'S FOUND ANY DIRT ON ME YET? 557 00:20:57,757 --> 00:20:59,559 HELLO! 558 00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:02,729 I DROVE A RIDING LAWN MOWER THROUGH A NORDSTROM! 559 00:21:02,762 --> 00:21:05,832 THERE'S VIDEO THAT I TOOK! 560 00:21:07,967 --> 00:21:10,837 NOTHING. 561 00:21:10,870 --> 00:21:13,873 - JERRY, PLASTIC SURGERY? 562 00:21:16,809 --> 00:21:19,546 - I GOT HIT BY A FIRE ENGINE. 563 00:21:19,579 --> 00:21:21,514 - YOU ARE SO LUCKY. 564 00:21:21,548 --> 00:21:22,815 - HOW?