- AND TO MY WIFE, I APOLOGIZE.
ALL I CAN SAY IS, I WASN'T JUST HAVING SEX.
I WAS MAKING LOVE TO A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN...
AND HER BOYFRIEND,
AND A THIRD PERSON WHOSE NAME I NEVER LEARNED.
FURTHERMORE, IT WAS WRONG OF ME TO SAY
I WAS BUILDING HOUSES FOR THE UNDERPRIVILEGED
WHEN I WAS ACTUALLY HAVING FOUR-WAY SEX
IN A CAVE IN BRAZIL.
- I BET CAVE SEX IS IN-SANE.
- WHY?
- BECAUSE OF THE ECHOES AND THE HUMIDITY.
- IN MY DEFENSE, IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY,
AND I REALLY WANTED TO DO IT.
- I THINK IT'S A REAL SHAME
WHEN PEOPLE FOCUS ON THE TAWDRY DETAILS OF A SCANDAL.
PERSONALLY, ALL I CARE ABOUT
IS COUNCILMAN DEXHART'S POLICIES,
NOT WHETHER HE WAS HIGH ON NITROUS AND COCAINE
DURING THE CAVE SEX...
WHICH, BY THE WAY, I HEARD HE WAS.
- ONE MORE SHOCKING REVELATION IN A STORY
THAT JUST WON'T STOP UNFOLDING.
IT TURNS OUT COUNCILMAN DEXHART
MAY HAVE ALSO HAD SEX WITH A PROSTITUTE
IN THE LIMOUSINE ON THE WAY TO AND FROM
THE PRESS CONFERENCE WHERE HE APOLOGIZED
FOR HAVING AN AFFAIR.
- WHY DOES ANYBODY WANT TO RUN FOR PUBLIC OFFICE?
YOU'RE JUST ASKING TO HAVE YOUR ENTIRE LIFE EXPOSED.
- WELL, IF YOU'RE SQUEAKY CLEAN, LIKE I AM,
THERE'S NO PROBLEM.
- TOM, YOU'RE MARRIED, AND YOU HIT ON WOMEN CONSTANTLY.
- YEAH, BUT I'VE NEVER SEALED THE DEAL.
JUST WINDOW SHOPPING.
YOU CAN FLY TO BRAZIL,
JUST DON'T ENTER THE CAVE. AM I RIGHT?
UP TOP.
[triumphant music]
*
- I'M SURE THAT YOU THINK THAT YOU'RE CLEAN,
BUT I BET THAT WE COULD FIND SOMETHING ON YOU.
- I CHANGED MY NAME, WHICH IS LEGAL,
AND ONCE IN HIGH SCHOOL,
A GIRL BEAT ME IN A WRESTLING MATCH.
THAT'S IT. I BET ANYTHING
I CAN FIND WORSE STUFF ON ALL YOU GUYS.
- ARE YOU SUGGESTING A GAME?
I'M IN.
- I'M IN. - I'M OUT.
- NOT AN OPTION, JERRY. YOU'RE GOING DOWN.
- NO, SERIOUSLY, I REALLY DON'T WANT TO PLAY.
- NO, NO, SERIOUSLY, YOU ARE PLAYING.
WE'RE GONNA NAIL YOU.
- I WILL PLAY, TOO.
IF ONLY TO PROVE THAT I CAN FIND MORE DIRT ON YOU
THAN YOU CAN ON ME.
- THAT'S WHY WE'RE ALL PLAYING.
- YOUR DESK IS OVER THERE.
- I LOVE GAMES THAT TURN PEOPLE AGAINST EACH OTHER.
- YOU GUYS WILL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT I JUST FOUND
ON JERRY'S FACEBOOK.
- A FRIEND. BURN.
- OKAY, AGAIN, I'D REALLY RATHER NOT PLAY.
- HEY, GUYS, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
- TRYING TO SEE WHO HAS THE LEAST AMOUNT OF DIRT ON THEM
IN CASE SOMEONE WANTS TO RUN FOR OFFICE.
- OH, WELL, IT AIN'T JERRY, THAT'S FOR SURE.
HE'S GOT A COUPLE OF 3-5-9s ON HIM.
PUBLIC URINATION.
- I DON'T LIKE THIS GAME.
JUST DON'T LIKE IT.
- HE'S PROBABLY GONNA GO ANGER PEE IN THE COURTYARD.
- [laughs]
- WELL, YOU CRAZY PARK PEOPLE, UH, I'M OUT OF HERE.
LESLIE, I'LL-- I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.
- TOMORROW WILL BE OUR FIRST OFFICIAL--
FIRST DATE.
- ROGER THAT.
- COPY. OVER AND OUT.
DAVE AND I ARE GOING ON OUR FIRST DATE TOMORROW.
I'M NOT NERVOUS.
WHY SHOULD I BE NERVOUS?
WE'RE JUST TWO PEOPLE GOING ON A FIRST DATE.
THERE'S NOTHING TO BE NERVOUS ABOUT.
[cell phone rings] AAH!
THAT WAS MY PHONE.
- HEY. - HI THERE.
WHAT ARE YOU, UH... WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- JUST HAVING LUNCH WITH LESLIE.
WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
- I'M LOOKING FOR SCANDALOUS INFORMATION
ABOUT MY CO-WORKERS FOR A GAME THAT WE'RE PLAYING.
- MY TAXES PAY YOUR SALARY, RIGHT?
- YEAH.
- COOL.
AND HE LOOKED UP AT ME,
AND HE SAID, "THANK YOU. YOU SAVED MY LIFE."
- YEAH. HEY, LISTEN,
I'M REALLY NERVOUS ABOUT THIS DATE TOMORROW NIGHT.
DO YOU HAVE, LIKE, A FIRST DATE OUTFIT I COULD BORROW?
LIKE, I DON'T KNOW, PAIR OF CARGO PANTS.
- YEAH, I WOULDN'T GO WITH A CARGO PANT.
- WHAT ABOUT, LIKE, A SEXY HAT?
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT EVEN IS.
- HELPING ALREADY.
- DO YOU WANT TO JUST COME BY AFTER WORK TODAY?
- SURE, YEAH. TONIGHT?
SEVERAL HOURS FROM NOW?
[sighs]
- OR YOU COULD JUST COME OVER NOW?
- I THINK THAT WOULD BETTER.
THAT WOULD GIVE US MORE TIME. LET'S GO.
- OH, WHAT YOU DOING, GUYS?
LOOKING FOR DIRT ON ME?
NO POINT.
GIVE UP NOW.
OH, WAIT, THERE IS THIS.
EVERYBODY, I BOUGHT A CROISSAN'WICH THIS MORNING.
THIS ISN'T EVEN A REAL RECEIPT, JUST A SCRAP OF PAPER.
- TALIBAN ROBES!
- WHAT? WHERE'D YOU GET THAT PHOTO FROM?
- HEY, TOM, NICE TALIBAN ROBES.
- THOSE AREN'T TALIBAN ROBES.
THAT'S FROM HALLOWEEN TEN YEARS AGO.
I WAS DRESSED LIKE A JEDI.
- I'M SURE THAT THE VOTERS WOULD BE ABLE TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE.
- MM, LOOKS TO ME LIKE YOU'RE IN THE TALIBAN.
- WELL, DID EVERYBODY KNOW THAT RON'S EX-WIFE TAMMY
IS ACTUALLY HIS SECOND EX-WIFE NAMED TAMMY?
THAT'S RIGHT. RON HAS TWO EX-WIVES,
EACH NAMED TAMMY.
- BOTH OF THEM BITCHES.
YES, MY MOM'S NAME IS TAMMY.
WHAT'S YOUR POINT?
TOM! THAT WAS A JAEGER-SECRET.
YOU JUST BREACHED A JAEGER-SECRET.
- DAMN! THIS JUST HEATED UP QUICK.
- * TA-DA
- THAT LOOKS GREAT. - YEAH?
- WILL YOU BE WEARING IT OUT OF THE STORE TODAY, MADAME?
- [British accent] OH, I THINK I WILL, GOOD LADY.
HEY, WHILE I HAVE YOU, CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?
- SHOOT.
- WHAT IF HE ASKS ME IF I'VE BEEN MARRIED?
- HAVE YOU? - NO.
- WELL, THEN SAY THAT.
- BUT THEN HE'LL WONDER WHY I HAVEN'T BEEN MARRIED.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO?
I'M GONNA SAY THAT I WAS MARRIED,
BUT THE REAL QUESTION IS, SHOULD I SAY THAT I HAVE KIDS?
GUY LIKE GIRLS THAT HAVE KIDS, RIGHT?
- WHOA. - WHAT IF I GET DRUNK
AND I TALK ABOUT DARFUR TOO MUCH?
OR NOT ENOUGH? WHAT IF I DON'T BRING UP DARFUR ENOUGH?
- LESLIE, RELAX.
- YEAH. - OKAY?
- I JUST HAVE A FEW MORE QUESTIONS FOR YOU, ANN.
"WHAT IF HE SHOWS UP WITH ANOTHER WOMAN?
"WHAT IF ONE OF MY SLEEVES CATCHES ON FIRE
"AND IT SPREADS RAPIDLY?
"WHAT IF, INSTEAD OF TIC TACS,
"I ACCIDENTALLY POP A COUPLE OF AMBIEN,
AND I HAVE TO KEEP PUNCHING MY LEG TO STAY AWAKE?"
- THOSE ARE ALL INSANE HYPOTHETICALS,
AND I PROMISE YOU THEY WON'T HAPPEN.
- THEY HAVE HAPPENED.
ALL OF THESE HAVE HAPPENED TO ME.
UH, NO, THERE'S MORE.
ONE TIME, I ACCIDENTALLY DRANK AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VINEGAR.
I THOUGHT IT WAS TERRIBLE WINE.
ONCE, I WENT OUT WITH A GUY WHO WORE 3-D GLASSES
THE ENTIRE EVENING.
OH, ONE TIME, I RODE IN A SIDECAR
ON A GUY'S MOTORCYCLE,
AND THE SIDECAR DETACHED
AND WENT DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS.
ANOTHER TIME, I WENT TO A REALLY BORING MOVIE WITH A GUY,
AND WHILE I WAS ASLEEP,
HE TRIED TO PULL OUT ONE OF MY TEETH.
I LITERALLY WOKE UP WITH HIS HAND IN MY MOUTH.
WE WENT OUT A COUPLE TIMES AFTER THAT,
BUT THEN HE GOT WEIRD.
I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRAZY.
I'M A GROWN WOMAN, BUT I'M JUST NOT GOOD ON FIRST DATES.
- OH. OKAY. OKAY, YOU HAVE A PROBLEM,
AND THIS IS HOW WE'RE GONNA FIX IT.
- I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING. I WEAR AN EARPIECE,
YOU SIT AT A TABLE NEARBY, YOU SPEAK INTO A MIKE,
YOU TELL ME WHAT TO SAY ON THE DATE,
BUT LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, ANN, IT NEVER WORKS.
- NO, NO, NO, WE ARE GONNA GO TO A RESTAURANT
AND HAVE A PRACTICE DATE.
I WILL PRETEND TO BE DAVE, AND YOU WILL PRACTICE ON ME.
- OH, THAT'S A WAY BETTER IDEA.
HEY, DAVE, IT'S ME. IT'S LESLIE.
- HI, LESLIE, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.
YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THAT QUITE YET.
- OH! SO, DAVE, LET'S BEGIN OUR CONVERSATION.
- WHAT'S ON THE NOTE CARDS?
- THEY'RE POSSIBLE TOPICS OF CONVERSATION.
WHALES, PARADES, ELECTRICITY...
AND THE REST ARE BLANK.
- YEAH, WELL, I COULDN'T THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE.
- LESLIE'S IN WORSE SHAPE THAN I THOUGHT.
- [laughing]
- IS SHE PRACTICE LAUGHING?
- OH, DAVE. YOU--AHEM.
- THE DANISH CALL IT OPPE OG NEDE APPARAT,
WHICH LITERALLY TRANSLATED MEANS
"THE UP AND DOWN MACHINE."
- WOW. THAT'S A THOROUGH HISTORY OF THE TEETER-TOTTER.
- NOW I'M GONNA TALK ABOUT
THE LOCAL FLORA AND FAUNA FOUND IN PAWNEE.
- OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST ASK ME A QUESTION.
JUST TRY TO GET TO KNOW ME.
- OKAY.
I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING TO ASK YOU.
I'M SORRY. MY MIND IS BLANK.
- JUST ASK ME THE FIRST THING THAT COMES TO YOUR HEAD.
- HOW BIG IS IT?
- REALLY? - OH, MY GOD.
- HEY, TOMMY. HI.
YOU READY?
- YES, I AM. JUST GIVE ME ONE SECOND.
HEY, DONNA, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.
DO YOU HATE BLACK PEOPLE?
- EXCUSE ME?
- 'CAUSE APPARENTLY IN 1988,
YOU DONATED MONEY
TO THE PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN FOR...
DAVID DUKE!
- THE KKK GUY?
- I GOT A PHONE CALL.
THEY SAID HE WOULD LOWER TAXES.
- BOOM!
HOW'S IT FEEL TO LOSE SO HARD?
I'M SORRY, HONEY. LET'S GET COFFEE.
RE-RON, YOU REMEMBER MY WIFE, WENDY HAVERFORD.
- OF COURSE. HOW ARE THINGS AT THE HOSPITAL?
- UH, VERY GOOD, THANK YOU.
I JUST GOT A PEDIATRIC SURGERY FELLOWSHIP.
- OH, NICE.
- WE'RE CELEBRATING, 'CAUSE SHE'S SUPER RICH
AND SUPER HOT ALSO.
- OKAY, COME ON, TOMMY. CUT IT OUT.
- YOU'RE SUPER HOT.
EVERYBODY ELSE HAS TO DEAL WITH IT.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE. SEE YOU LATER, RON.
- I'VE ESTABLISHED A SCIENTIFICALLY PERFECT
TEN-POINT SCALE OF HUMAN BEAUTY.
WENDY IS A 7.4,
WHICH IS WAY TOO HIGH FOR TOM,
WHO IS A 3.8.
TEN IS TENNIS LEGEND STEFFI GRAF.
- HI, DAVE.
- YOU'RE LATE,
AND I CAN SEE YOUR NIPPLES THROUGH YOUR DRESS.
- WHAT? NO. REALLY?
- IN NURSING SCHOOL, WE TOOK A PSYCH COURSE
ON HOW TO TREAT PHOBIAS
WITH A METHOD CALLED EXPOSURE THERAPY.
SO LIKE IF YOU WERE AFRAID OF SNAKES,
THEY WOULD IMMERSE YOU IN A TANK OF SNAKES,
SO I AM GOING TO IMMERSE LESLIE IN A TANK OF BAD DATE.
YOU'RE 20 MINUTES LATE. I ALMOST LEFT.
- OKAY. WELL, I WAS, UH... DROPPING MY NIECE OFF.
- WHAT'S YOUR NIECE'S NAME?
- TORPLE. WHAT? I DON'T KNOW.
THAT'S NOT A NAME. I DON'T HAVE A NIECE.
- [sighs]
- MY NIECE'S NAME IS STEPHANIE?
- STOP LYING! - HEY, LOOK, THERE'S BREAD!
YOU WANT SOME--OH, NO!
OH, I GOT FLOWERS IN YOUR SOUP. I'M SO SORRY, UM...
JUST--I HAVE TO GO TO THE, UM...
WHIZZ PALACE. YOU KNOW, DAVE, THE--
THE PLACE WHERE YOU--
YOU KNOW, THE TOILET THING.
IT'S A BATHROOM!
IT'S CALLED A BATHROOM!
- HEY, MARK, UM, A LITTLE BIRDY TOLD ME
THAT YOU HAVE ONE UNPAID PARKING TICKET.
- THAT'S FUNNY, BECAUSE A LITTLE BIRDY TOLD ME
THAT YOUR ADOPTIVE MOTHER
WAS ARRESTED FOR MARIJUANA POSSESSION.
- [laughing] OH, SNAP!
- WHAT? - YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT, HUH?
- I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS ADOPTED.
- OH, NO. OH, JERRY.
OH, JERRY, I'M SO SORRY.
- I REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO PLAY.
- THAT WAS NOT MY INTENTION.
- IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
HE TOTALLY BAITED YOU WITH THAT UNPAID PARKING TICKET.
- TOM, COULD YOU COME INTO MY OFFICE?
TOM-MATO SAUCE.
- RON-TANAMO BAY.
- DO BE SEATED,
AND CONGRATULATE ME.
- FOR WHAT?
- WINNING THE GAME.
I JUST FOUND OUT,
THROUGH SOME PRETTY IMPRESSIVE INVESTIGATING,
THAT YOUR WEDDING WAS A SHAM.
IT'S A GREEN CARD MARRIAGE.
- THAT'S CRAZY. I WAS BORN IN SOUTH CAROLINA.
THESE COLORS DON'T RUN, BABY.
- YES, BUT WENDY WAS BORN IN OTTAWA...
CANADA!
HER VISA WAS SET TO EXPIRE
THE DAY AFTER YOU GOT MARRIED
AT THE COUNTY COURTHOUSE
IN FRONT OF THREE STRANGERS AND NO FAMILY.
- OKAY, WE MET IN COLLEGE.
SHE WANTED TO WORK IN THE STATES.
SHE COULDN'T GET A PERMIT.
- I KNEW IT. I KNEW YOU COULDN'T GET A WIFE AS HOT AS HER.
- SERIOUSLY, RON, GAMES ASIDE,
YOU GOT TO KEEP THIS BETWEEN US. DON'T TELL ANYBODY, PLEASE.
- COME ON, DON'T WORRY. I'M NOT GONNA TURN YOU IN.
JUST ADMIT THAT WHEN IT COMES TO DIGGING UP DIRT,
I BESTED YOU IN THIS GAME.
SAY IT. SAY "I BESTED YOU."
- FINE, YOU BESTED ME. IS THAT ALL?
- NO.
I'LL HAVE YOUR WIFE TONIGHT.
- WHAT?
- NO, I'M JUST KIDDING.
GET OUT OF HERE.
- WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT, DAVE?
THAT DOG WAS LIKE MY BEST FRIEND, AND WHEN SHE DIED--
- BRRING BRRING, BRRING BRRING, BRRING.
HEY, TIFFANY.
YEAH, I DEFINITELY WANT TO SEE YOU TONIGHT.
NO, I CAN'T REALLY TALK RIGHT NOW,
'CAUSE I'M A DATE WITH THIS DRIP.
YEAH, I CAN ASK.
HEY, DO YOU WANT TO WATCH A PORNO AFTER THIS
WITH ME AND MY WIFE?
- NO, DAVE, 'CAUSE YOU'RE DISGUSTING.
- SO IT'S DEFINITELY A NO?
- I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'RE BEING SO TERRIBLE.
WE'RE JUST TWO PEOPLE TRYING TO GO ON A DATE.
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE FUN. IT'S JUST A DATE.
- YOU'RE RIGHT, IT IS.
WELL DONE.
SORRY I HAD TO GET ALL MEDICAL ON YOU,
BUT NOW YOU SEE THAT EVEN IF EVERYTHING GOES WRONG,
YOU'LL SURVIVE.
- WELL, WELL, WELL.
YOU COY BASTARD.
- MARK.
- TOM.
- YOU HATE RON, RIGHT?
- NO, I THINK RON IS FINE.
- SO WE'RE ON THE SAME PAGE.
YOU GOT TO HELP ME TAKE THIS GUY DOWN.
THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING ON HIM.
- TOM, I'M STARTING TO FEEL KIND OF GROSS ABOUT THIS GAME.
- IT'S NOT ABOUT THE GAME ANYMORE.
RON HAS SOME SERIOUS DIRT ON ME. I NEED TO BALANCE THINGS OUT.
YOU MUST KNOW HOW THAT FEELS.
YOU GOT TONS OF DIRT IN YOUR PAST.
PLEASE, YOU GOTTA HELP ME.
- THERE IS A MAN NAMED DUKE SILVER.
HE HANGS OUT AT A BAR IN EAGLETON.
HE'S AN OLD FRIEND OF RON'S.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD ASK HIM.
- THANKS, MAN.
I'M GONNA DIG UP SO MUCH DIRT ON THIS GUY,
THERE'S GONNA BE WORMS ALL OVER THE PLACE.
IT SOUNDED SNAPPIER IN MY HEAD. - YEAH.
- ANN IS SO AWESOME.
I'M LUCKY TO HAVE A FRIEND WHO WOULD SPEND A WHOLE DAY
BEING SO MEAN TO ME.
CATCH.
I DON'T NEED YOUR DRESS ANYMORE.
I'M GONNA WEAR MY OWN STUFF.
ME POWER.
- GOOD. YOU'RE OFFICIALLY FIRST DATE-PROOF.
- THANK YOU, DAVE.
- MM-MM. LISTEN...
IT IS IMPOSSIBLE THAT HE'S NOT GONNA LIKE YOU.
HE'S GONNA FREAK OUT ABOUT HOW AWESOME YOU ARE.
- NO, HE'S NOT.
- YES, HE IS. HE'S GONNA LOVE YOU.
YOU'RE COOL, AND YOU'RE SEXY,
AND YOU'RE FUNNY, AND YOU'RE SMART.
ANY GUY WOULD BE LUCKY TO DATE YOU.
- YEAH! - YEAH! HELL, YEAH!
- HELL, YEAH! I AM AWESOME!
- YOU ARE AWESOME. - YEAH!
- AND YOU ARE, TOO.
- THANK YOU.
- YOU ARE, TOO. - THANK YOU.
- YOU ARE, TOO, ANN! - OKAY!
YOU'RE AWESOME. - YOU'RE AWESOME.
HELP, POLICE!
HELP! HELP!
- HEY.
- LOOK, I KNOW TODAY IS TODAY,
AND IT'S NOT TOMORROW, BUT I FELT LIKE YOU SHOULD KNOW
THAT I'M AWESOME, AND YOU'RE LUCKY TO HAVE ME.
AND, UM, I THINK OUR FIRST DATE TOMORROW'S
GONNA GO AWESOME, OFF THE CHARTS.
UM, AMAZING. UP TOP.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THIS BITCH!
I'M NOT SCARED.
CAN I COME IN AND SIT DOWN FOR A BIT?
'CAUSE I WALKED HERE 'CAUSE OF THE DRINKING.
- I DON'T KNOW.
- I DO KNOW.
I'M COMING INSIDE, SO MOVE. OKAY?
YOU MAKE A BETTER DOOR THAN A GUY.
- HEY, THIS IS GONNA SOUND WEIRD.
I'M LOOKING FOR A GUY NAMED DUKE SILVER.
- YEAH, HE GOES ON IN A SECOND.
- LADIES, LADIES, LADIES, IT'S JUST ABOUT THAT TIME.
IT'S WITH THE JAZZIEST PLEASURE THAT I BRING OUT FOR YOU
MY MAN, MR. DUKE SILVER.
[cheers and applause]
- THANK YOU, DWAYNE.
AS ALWAYS, IT IS A THRILL
TO BE HERE DURING THIS WITCHING HOUR
WITH YOU LOVELY LADIES.
NOW RELAX AND LET THE DUKE SILVER TRIO
TAKE YOU ON A LITTLE JOURNEY... TO YOURSELF.
[playing Foreigner's I Want To Know What Love Is]
*
- ANN WAS HELPING ME,
BECAUSE I WAS PANICKING ABOUT TOMORROW.
- DID I SAY SOMETHING TO MAKE YOU WORRY ABOUT TO--
- NO! NO, JUST THE WHOLE IDEA OF FIRST DATES
JUST KIND OF FREAK ME OUT.
BUT NOT ANYMORE.
I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE THAT I WAS SCARED
TO GO ON A DATE WITH YOU.
I MEAN, YOU SHOULD BE SCARED OF ME.
- OKAY.
- I THINK I NEED TO RETURN THIS SWEATER.
I THINK IT FUSED WITH MY SHIRT IN THE DRYER OR SOMETHING.
- I THINK THAT'S A SWEATER-SHIRT COMBO.
- I THINK IT'S GOING PRETTY WELL WITH DAVE.
HE WANTS ME.
I CAN TOTALLY TELL THAT HE WANTS ME.
- HEY, I'M RIGHT HERE.
YOU KNOW I'M HERE, RIGHT?
- DID YOU SEE MY BRA? HMM?
BEEP-BOOP.
GUESS WHAT? I'M WEARING THE HOT ONE TOMORROW,
THE BLACK ONE. - OKAY.
- CAN I USE YOUR BATHROOM?
- YES.
- ARE YOU IMPRESSED THAT I KNOW WHAT IT'S CALLED?
- MAYBE I OUGHT TO GIVE YOU A LIFT HOME.
- OH, GOOD. WELL, IN LONDON, THEY CALL THE ELEVATORS LIFTS,
SO YOU'RE GONNA GIVE ME AN ELEVATOR HOME?
NO, THANK YOU. - OKAY, LET'S GO.
- [British accent] OKAY. LET'S GO DOWN TO THE PUB...
- THAT'S RIGHT. - AND GET A PINT.
WE'LL PUT OUR KNICKERS IN THE BEATLE RECORDS.
THIS IS AN ENGLISH ACCENT.
- WHAT I CANNOT BELIEVE IS DEXHART'S WIFE.
I MEAN, HOW CLUELESS CAN YOU GET?
HOW DID SHE NOT KNOW THIS WAS GOING ON?
MORE IMPORTANTLY, HOW DOES SHE STAY WITH HIM
AFTER ALL THIS?
- HEY, CAN I HELP YOU AT, UH...
11:48 P.M.?
- OKAY, HERE'S THE WHOLE THING.
HERE ARE ALL MY SKELETONS.
WHEN I WAS 16, I HAD SEX WITH A MARRIED WOMAN.
- RIGHT.
- WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE,
I SMOKED A DECENT AMOUNT OF POT.
- UH-HUH. - NOTHING INSANE.
- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
- WHAT I'M DOING, ANN, IS I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU
THAT I'VE DONE SOME STUFF THAT I'M NOT VERY PROUD OF,
AND I LIKE YOU,
SO I WOULD RATHER YOU NOT FIND OUT ABOUT THIS
FROM ANYONE BUT ME.
THIS WAS A BAD IDEA.
- [laughs]
NO, NO, IT'S...IT'S FINE.
I GET WHAT THIS IS
AND WHY YOU DID IT.
- IS THERE ANYTHING THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO SHARE
FROM YOUR PAST TO SORT OF BALANCE THE SCALES?
- YEAH. ONE TIME, THIS GUY RANG MY DOORBELL AT MIDNIGHT
TO BRAG ABOUT GETTING LAID WHEN HE WAS 16, SO I SHOT HIM.
- GOOD NIGHT.
- IT'S BEEN A REAL GIFT MAKING SONIC LOVE TO YOU TONIGHT.
IF YOU WANT MORE OF THE DUKE,
BOTH MY ALBUMS ARE FOR SALE HERE--
SMOOTH AS SILVER AND HI HO, DUKE.
AND LOOK FOR MY NEW CD NEXT MONTH,
MEMORIES OF NOW.
SO COME SEE ME, COME TALK TO ME,
COME LOVE WITH ME,
AND MAYBE WE CAN WALK THROUGH FIRE TOGETHER.
THANK YOU. GOOD NIGHT
[final note, applause]
- DUKE! HUGE FAN.
- LOOK, TOM, I IMAGINE
YOU'LL WANT TO TELL EVERYONE ABOUT THIS,
BUT I HAVE WORKED PRETTY HARD
TO CULTIVATE A CERTAIN AUTHORITATIVE
OR INTIMIDATING IMAGE AROUND THE OFFICE.
- CAN I GET A PICTURE? - SURE.
- SAY, "I BESTED YOU."
- I BESTED YOU.
- ALL RIGHT. THANKS FOR LOVIN' THE DUKE.
- THAT-- THAT WAS A LOVELY PHOTO.
- TRUCE?
- TRUCE.
YOU'RE KIDDING ME.
- NO, I'M NOT.
- YOU SHOWED UP AT THE GUY'S HOUSE,
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, DRUNK,
AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN SLEEP WITH HIM?
- SHOULD I HAVE? - IT NEVER HURTS.
- GOD.
- HEY.
- HEY!
- UH, AHEM, YOU, UH...
YOU LEFT QUITE A BIT OF STUFF AT MY PLACE LAST NIGHT--
PURSE AND EARRINGS AND A SHOE.
- I AM SO SORRY FOR WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT.
ON MY LIST OF EMBARRASSING THINGS
THAT I'VE DONE IN MY LIFE, THAT WAS...
NUMBERS ONE THROUGH SEVEN.
I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND IF YOU WANT TO CANCEL.
- IT'S OKAY. YOU CAN MAKE IT UP TO ME TONIGHT
ON OUR SECOND DATE.
- SECOND?
- WELL, YEAH, LAST NIGHT WAS OUR FIRST DATE,
SO THAT WOULD MAKE TONIGHT OUR SECOND.
I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.
8:00?
- 8:00.
- YOU LIKE DANCING?
- YEAH.
- I DON'T LIKE DANCING.
- WE DON'T HAVE TO GO. - OKAY.
- WELL, WE WENT ON OUR FIRST DATE,
AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT, A.K.A. I NAILED IT.
NO FIRES, NO AMBULANCES.
JUST GOOD OLD-FASHIONED SHOWING UP DRUNK
AT A GUY'S HOUSE LATE AT NIGHT.
- HOWEVER, I WANT TO BE CLEAR.
I HAVE NO PLANS TO RESIGN.
- IS IT WEIRD THAT MY FEELINGS ARE HURT
THAT NO ONE'S FOUND ANY DIRT ON ME YET?
HELLO!
I DROVE A RIDING LAWN MOWER THROUGH A NORDSTROM!
THERE'S VIDEO THAT I TOOK!
NOTHING.
- JERRY, PLASTIC SURGERY?
- I GOT HIT BY A FIRE ENGINE.
- YOU ARE SO LUCKY.
- HOW?