- I JUST WANT TO CHECK
ONE LAST TIME THAT YOU'RE OKAY
ABOUT THIS DATE WITH MARK.
- OH, MY GOD, I AM SO FINE WITH IT, ANN, SERIOUSLY.
IT'S SO FINE.
AS LONG AS YOU AND I ARE COOL.
YOU KNOW MY CODE.
HOS BEFORE BROS.
UTERUSES BEFORE DUDERUSES. - GOT IT.
- OVARIES BEFORE BROVARIES.
MM.
YOU MAKE SUCH GOOD COFFEE.
- LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE SAYING YOU'RE OKAY WITH IT,
BUT I'VE BEEN IN THIS POSITION BEFORE.
AND I HAD A FRIEND WHO DATED AN EX,
AND I SAID I WAS OKAY, BUT I WASN'T ACTUALLY.
IT WAS KIND OF WEIRD.
- THE THING IS, MARK ISN'T MY EX.
YOU KNOW, WE SLEPT TOGETHER SIX YEARS AGO.
ANYWAY, I'M OVER IT.
OR AM I? I'M JUST KIDDING.
- OH.
- OH. OH.
THIS IS ONE OF MY GREATEST BRAINSTORMS EVER.
A COMMUNITY GARDEN.
RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PIT.
WE'RE ENCOURAGING PEOPLE TO JUST COME OUT
AND PLANT WHATEVER THEY WANT.
AND TOM AND I SOMETIMES GET HERE EARLY AND HELP OUT.
- IT'S SO HOT.
I HAD TO GET SOME MORE ICED TEA.
- PEOPLE HAVE JUST REALLY EMBRACED THIS
AND PLANTED THE COOLEST STUFF.
AND TOM IS OUR MASTER HORTICULTURIST.
HE KNOWS ALL THE SCIENTIFIC NAMES FOR EVERYTHING.
RIGHT, TOM? - YUP.
- LIKE THIS. WHAT'S THIS, TOM?
- THOSE ARE, OF COURSE, TOMATOES.
OR SOULJABOY TELLEMS.
WHENEVER LESLIE ASKS ME FOR THE LATIN NAMES
OF ANY OF OUR PLANTS,
I JUST GIVE HER THE NAMES OF RAPPERS.
- AND THOSE OVER THERE?
- THOSE ARE SOME DIDDIES.
THERE'S SOME BONETHUGS AND HARMONIUMS RIGHT HERE.
- GROWING BEAUTIFULLY.
- THOSE LUDACRISES ARE COMING IN GREAT.
- LOOK. SOMEONE PLANTED SOMETHING NEW.
WHAT'S THIS?
WHAT DO YOU THINK? CARROTS?
IF THAT'S TRUE, WE HAVE A GARDEN PEST ON OUR HANDS.
MAYBE SOME KIND OF SPICE?
- YEAH, YOU KNOW, LESLIE, THE BEST WAY TO FIGURE OUT
WHAT KIND OF SPICE THAT IS,
IS ROLL IT UP INTO A JOINT AND SMOKE IT.
[triumphant music]
*
[footsteps]
- RON, DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
- NO. - DID YOU GET MY EMAILS?
- MM-MM.
- DID YOU SEE THAT I PAGED YOU?
- I DID NOT.
- DID YOU CHECK YOUR VOICEMAIL?
- I DIDN'T.
- WE HAVE A CRIMINAL EMERGENCY ON OUR HANDS.
SOMEONE PLANTED A GATEWAY DRUG IN THE COMMUNITY GARDEN.
- OKAY. CALL THE COPS.
- THAT'LL LEAK TO THE PRESS.
THEN THERE'LL BE AN INVESTIGATION.
AND THEY'LL FIND MY FINGERPRINTS ON THE MANURE.
AND THEN WE'LL LOSE OUR FUNDING.
- YOU DON'T HAVE FUNDING.
- AND WE NEVER WILL IF THIS GETS OUT.
LOOK, I WILL CALL THE COPS,
BUT JUST GIVE ME ONE DAY TO DEAL WITH THIS INTERNALLY, OKAY?
- SURE. - THANK YOU.
AND LISTEN, IF THIS THING BLOWS UP,
I WAS NEVER HERE.
- OKAY.
[footsteps]
I HAVE A HERNIA.
I'VE HAD IT FOR A WHILE.
AND I'VE BEEN IGNORING IT...
SUCCESSFULLY, BUT THIS MORNING,
I MADE THE MISTAKE OF SNEEZING.
[sneezes]
[howls]
BUT AS LONG AS I SIT STILL
AND DON'T MOVE MY HEAD
OR TORSO,
I'M GOOD, I GOT THIS.
- WE NEED TO FIND OUT WHO WE'RE DEALING WITH.
WHO IS THIS PERSON? WHO IS THIS KINGPIN?
- IT'S A 13-YEAR-OLD KID NAMED STEVIE
WHO LIKES TO GET HIGH AND MAKE HIS TRANSFORMERS LOOK
LIKE THEY'RE HAVING SEX TOGETHER.
- I WOULD LIKE TO BE PRESIDENT SOME DAY,
SO, NO, I HAVE NOT SMOKED MARIJUANA.
I ATE A BROWNIE ONCE.
AT A PARTY IN COLLEGE.
IT WAS INTENSE.
IT WAS KIND OF INDESCRIBABLE, ACTUALLY.
I FELT LIKE I WAS FLOATING.
TURNS OUT THERE WASN'T ANY POT IN THE BROWNIE.
IT WAS JUST AN INSANELY GOOD BROWNIE.
YOU KNOW, IF WE CATCH HIM, THEN WE AVOID A SCANDAL.
'CAUSE WE FLIP THE HEADLINE.
AND IT'S NOT "COMMUNITY GARDEN INFESTED WITH POT,"
IT'S "BRAVE PUBLIC SERVANTS
"RID NEIGHBORHOOD OF DRUGS,
EARN PRAISE FROM MAYOR, COMMA, EVERYONE."
WE GOTTA CATCH THIS GUY.
GET THE VAN, MEET ME AT 7:00.
IT'S STAKEOUT TIME.
- APRIL.
- YEAH?
- GET MY LUNCH FOR ME, PLEASE.
- OKAY, LIKE ORDER YOU SOMETHING?
- NO, GET IT FROM THERE.
- IS THIS SOME KIND OF WEIRD POWER TRIP?
- PLEASE.
THANK YOU. THAT'LL BE ALL.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
- I HAVE STAKEOUT SUPPLIES.
THIS IS STUFF THAT WE'RE PROBABLY GONNA NEED.
WE HAVE NOTEPADS, PENCILS, AND PENCIL CASE.
SHAKABLE WHIPPED CREAM. CAMERAS.
UM, GORP.
UH, AND...
CANDY NECKLACES.
IT'S LIKE WE'RE REAL POLICE.
AND I MADE US A MIX CD.
IT'S ALL FILLED WITH SONGS ABOUT PEOPLE WATCHING PEOPLE.
IT'S MOSTLY STING.
AND LOOK, I PUT OUR FACES ON THERE.
- IT'S REALLY COOL.
- ARE YOU GONNA WEAR THAT SHIRT?
- YEAH. YOU LIKE IT?
- TOMMY HILFIGER?
- NO, TOM HAVERFORD.
I SPENT 120 BUCKS TO GET IT MONOGRAMMED.
- OKAY, HERE YOU GO.
- EVERYONE THINKS IT'S TOMMY HILFIGER.
- WELL, HERE, YOU SHOULD BE WEARING SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
TAKE THIS.
WEAR BLACK. - DO I HAVE TO?
- BLACK IS WHAT YOU WEAR IN A STAKEOUT.
OKAY, I HAVE TO FIGURE OUT HOW THIS WORKS.
- JUST LET ME FOCUS UP ON THIS.
- PRETTY BUMMED THIS FITS.
- OKAY, NOW WE JUST NEED TO TAKE A TEST SHOT
AND SEE HOW THIS GOES.
- YEAH, TAKE A TEST SHOT. YOU READY?
JUST FOCUS UP ON THE PIT.
ALL RIGHT. - STOP.
- FOCUS UP RIGHT WHERE THE-- - STOP.
- FOCUS UP RIGHT WHERE THE WEED--
- STOP. STOP.
- LESLIE SWEARS IT'S OKAY.
SO I'M GOING OUT WITH MARK.
I GOT TO GET BACK OUT THERE.
WHEN ANDY AND I USED TO GO TO THE MOVIES,
HE WOULD ALWAYS TRY TO GUESS THE ENDING OF THE MOVIE.
AND HE WOULD ALWAYS GUESS
THAT THE MAIN CHARACTER HAD BEEN DEAD THE WHOLE TIME.
EVEN WHEN WE SAW RATATOUILLE.
[door slams]
- OH, LOOK, IT'S MARK.
[shutter snapping]
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- WHAT? I'M JUST CHECKING TO MAKE SURE THIS LENS WORKS.
GOOD. YEAH.
- HEY. ANN. - HEY.
- SO ARE YOU READY TO GO?
- OH, NO, I NEED ANOTHER HOUR TO GET READY.
- SERIOUSLY? 'CAUSE I THINK THE MOVIE STARTS IN LIKE...
OH, YOU'RE--YOU'RE JOKING AROUND RIGHT NOW.
- WOW, THIS IS GONNA BE FUN.
- YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW, WITH A BODY LIKE THIS,
YOU DON'T GET THE BRAINS TOO.
- EW. - THAT WAS SILLY.
[shutter snapping]
- WHOA, ARE THEY DATING NOW?
BRENDANAWICZ IS THE MAN.
THIS IS BRENDANAWICZ'S LIFE:
HOT CHICK FROM THE NEWSPAPER,
HOT CHICK FROM THE POST OFFICE,
HOT CHICK FROM THE HOSPITAL.
- HER NAME'S ANN. YOU KNOW HER NAME.
HER NAME'S ANN.
- I'M JUST SAYING, NOBODY TURNS HIM DOWN.
- I DID.
- [laughing] YEAH.
- YEAH, I DID.
- WE WERE DRUNK, AND HE TRIED TO KISS ME,
AND I SAID, "NUH-UH, NO, SIR, MARK BRENDANAWICZ.
I DON'T NEED YOUR BUSINESS HERE."
GET DOWN! [shutter snapping]
[vacuum whirs]
- WORKING LATE?
- YUP.
- [vocalizes]
* SHOVEL GUITAR
* SOMEBODY WANTS TO PLAY SHOVEL GUITAR *
- LESLIE'S BEEN PLAYING SHOVEL GUITAR FOR ABOUT AN HOUR NOW.
- * BUCKET DRUM
* BUCKET DRUM
YOU'RE NOT FROM HERE, RIGHT?
- NO, I'M FROM SOUTH CAROLINA.
- BUT YOU MOVED TO SOUTH CAROLINA FROM WHERE?
- MY MOTHER'S UTERUS.
- BUT YOU WERE CONCEIVED IN LIBYA, RIGHT?
- WOW. NO.
- I WAS CONCEIVED IN AMERICA.
MY PARENTS ARE INDIAN.
- WHERE DID THE NAME HAVERFORD COME FROM?
- MY BIRTH NAME IS DARWISH ZUBAIR ISMAIL GANI.
THEN I CHANGED IT TO TOM HAVERFORD
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, BROWN GUYS
WITH FUNNY-SOUNDING MUSLIM NAMES
DON'T MAKE IT REALLY FAR IN POLITICS.
- WHAT ABOUT BARACK OBAMA?
- OKAY, YEAH, FINE, BARACK OBAMA.
IF I KNEW A DUDE NAMED BARACK OBAMA
WAS GONNA BE ELECTED PRESIDENT,
YEAH, MAYBE I WOULDN'T HAVE CHANGED IT.
- DID YOU HEAR THAT NOISE?
OH, MY GOD, IT'S THE KINGPIN.
WRITE THIS DOWN.
OKAY, WHITE MALE, LIGHT BROWN HAIR.
- JUST TAKE PICTURES.
- OH, MY GOD. IT LOOKS LIKE ANDY.
- THAT IS ANDY.
ANDY IS THE KINGPIN.
- ANDY, COME HERE. - OH, HEY, YOU GUYS.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- SHH. - IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.
- QUIETLY. - [whispers] WHAT HAPPENED?
- YOU'RE LIVING IN THE PIT NOW?
- FOR NOW, YEAH. IT'S AWESOME.
SOMEBODY JUST PLANTED A GARDEN DOWN THERE
WITH FRUITS AND VEGETABLES, SO I'M GETTING A LOT OF VITAMINS.
- YEAH, THAT'S OUR COMMUNITY GARDEN.
- YEAH, AND SOMEONE PLANTED A WHOLE MESS OF WEED
NEXT TO THE TOMATOES.
- OH, DON'T LOOK AT ME.
THERE'S WEED DOWN THERE?
I THOUGHT THAT WAS THE TOPS OF CARROTS.
- RIGHT, I KNOW. LISTEN, WE'RE ON A STAKEOUT, OKAY?
SO WHY DON'T YOU COME TO THE VAN AND HELP US?
WE'RE TRYING TO CATCH THE GUY.
MAYBE YOU CAN TELL US WHAT YOU'VE SEEN.
- I'M SUPPOSED TO HAVE A ROCK FIGHT
WITH THIS CRAZY GUY.
HE'S LIKE 20 MINUTES LATE. ALL RIGHT.
LET'S DO IT. - OKAY.
- DO YOU LIVE HERE?
- APRIL?
- YEAH, DO YOU LIVE HERE?
- NO.
- CATCH.
YEAH, I THOUGHT SO.
I WENT HOME, BUT I HAD THIS STRANGE FEELING
THAT THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU,
SO I CAME BACK.
- IT'S JUST A MINOR MEDICAL ISSUE.
- AIDS?
- NO, I'M SAFE.
- BLINDNESS?
- NO.
- IS IT LIKE A PARASITE OR A VIRUS OR SOMETHING
YOU GET FROM A BEE?
- I HAVE A HERNIA.
- DO YOU HAVE SYPHILIS?
- I SAID IT'S A HERNIA.
- I KNOW. IT'S POSSIBLE TO HAVE TWO THINGS.
DO YOU NEED A RIDE TO THE HOSPITAL?
- YES, PLEASE.
- OKAY, BUT I RODE MY BIKE HERE,
SO I HAVE TO GO HOME AND GET MY DAD'S STATION WAGON.
- THANK YOU.
- BYE.
[footsteps]
- YOU STILL HERE?
- YEAH. I JUST WANTED TO SEE IF YOU COULD TELL.
- ARE YOU STILL HERE?
- IT IS REALLY GREAT TO HAVE SOMEBODY TO TALK TO.
MAN, OH, MAN.
SO HOW'S ANN? SHE'S DOING GOOD?
OH, I MISS HER SO MUCH, IT'S RIDICULOUS.
HOW'S SHE DOING?
- DOING GOOD TONIGHT. SHE'S OUT ON A--
- ANN IS GREAT.
AND I BET SHE REALLY MISSES YOU.
OH, I'M GONNA NEED MORE OF THESE IF I'M GONNA STAY UP TONIGHT.
- IS THAT CANDY?
- YEAH, IT'S A NECKLACE MADE OUT OF CANDY.
WANT ONE? - OH, ALL RIGHT.
GREAT. ALL I'VE HAD IS FRUITS AND VEGETABLES...
FOR WEEKS NOW.
MM. [crunching]
OH, MY GOD. OH.
- YOU KNOW THERE'S A STRING IN THERE.
- NOT IN THIS ONE.
INSTANT SUGAR HIGH. SUGAR HIGH. SUGAR HIT HIGH.
SUGAR HIGH. HIGH.
OH, WOW. MM. - ARE YOU OKAY?
- WHOO-HOO-HOO. SUGAR SLAM.
- MAYBE WE SHOULD GET YOU SOMETHING
MORE SUBSTANTIAL TO EAT.
- MM-HMM. I'M IN.
- HEY, BRING ME BACK TWO CHEESEBURGERS AND A GREEN TEA.
OH, COME ON. YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.
- SO THAT WAS FUN.
- YEAH, IT REALLY WAS.
- SURPRISINGLY FUN.
- UH, YOU KNOW WHAT,
I HAVE BEEN A PERFECT GENTLEMAN THIS EVENING.
IN FACT, WATCH THIS.
I WOULD LIKE YOU TO NOW PLEASE INVITE ME IN FOR A NIGHTCAP.
- NOT A CHANCE.
- NO, NO, NO, NO. JUST WATCH--
WATCH WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
- OH, OKAY. - JUST ASK ME IN FOR A NIGHTCAP.
- WILL YOU COME IN FOR A NIGHTCAP?
- YES, I WILL.
NO, NO, DAMN.
DRATS, I WAS GONNA PLAN TO NOT.
- W-W-WAIT. LOOK.
THAT GUY'S TRYING TO BREAK INTO THAT VAN.
- YOU KNOW WHAT, IT DOES LOOK
LIKE HE'S BREAKING INTO THAT VAN.
[dialing] - WHOO!
- 911. - HI, THERE.
- SO, ANDY, DO YOU, LIKE, SPY ON ANN
FROM THE PIT?
- NO. NO.
I JUST LIKE BEING NEARBY.
THAT WAY IF SHE WANTS ME BACK,
I COULD BE AT HER HOUSE, LIKE, IN TWO SECONDS
BEFORE SHE CHANGES HER MIND.
- I DON'T REALLY KNOW HOW HEALTHY THAT IS.
I MEAN, YOU GUYS AREN'T EVEN DATING ANYMORE.
SHE MIGHT BE DATING SOMEBODY ELSE.
- IS SHE? - WHAT?
- IS SHE DATING SOMEBODY ELSE? - HUH? WHAT?
- YOU JUST SAID ANN MIGHT BE DATING SOMEBODY ELSE. IS SHE?
- I DIDN'T SAY THAT. - WHO IS SHE DATING?
- NOBODY. MARK.
- THAT'S COOL.
OH, MY GOD!
- 641 TO BASE. I'M AT THE VEHICLE NOW.
HOW ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT, SIR?
- I'M ALL RIGHT, OFFICER. HOW ARE YOU?
- I'M RESPONDING TO A 911 CALL
ABOUT A SUSPICIOUS PERSON BREAKING INTO A VAN.
I NEED YOU TO STEP OUT AND SHOW ME SOME I.D.
- NO, IT'S OKAY. MY NAME'S TOM HAVERFORD.
I WORK FOR THE PARKS DEPARTMENT.
I JUST GOT LOCKED OUT OF THE VAN.
I HAD TO JIMMY MY WAY BACK IN.
- WELL, WHY DON'T YOU JIMMY YOUR WAY OUT
AND SHOW ME SOME I.D.?
- UM, WELL, I JUST TOLD YOU MY I.D.,
SO WHAT'S THE CRIME HERE?
PARKING WHILE INDIAN?
- NO, THERE'S NO STEREOTYPES
ABOUT INDIANS SITTING IN VEHICLES.
- ALL RIGHT, FINE, HERE'S MY I.D.
NICE JOB, PAUL BLART.
WHY DON'T YOU HEAD BACK TO THE MALL,
MAKE SURE NOBODY'S BREAKING INTO LADY FOOT LOCKER?
- HEY, I'M VERY CLOSE RIGHT NOW TO PLACING YOU UNDER ARREST
FOR DISORDERLY CONDUCT.
STEP OUT OF THE VAN.
- I'LL STEP OUT OF YOUR MAMA'S VAN.
[screams]
- WHAT'S WRONG? - I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!
I'M A CITY EMPLOYEE, MAN. COME ON!
- CALM DOWN. - LESLIE!
- MOTION SENSORS.
- OH, MY GOD.
EXCUSE ME. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GUY THAT WAS IN THAT VAN?
- COPS TOOK HIM.
- WHAT?
OH, MY GOD. - ANN AND MARK!
- ANDY.
- IT'S ANN AND MARK.
- ANDY. - LESLIE?
- OH. - LESLIE KNOPE.
- HEY. - HEY.
- WOW. - WE CAUGHT A CRIMINAL.
DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS?
- YEAH, HE WAS BREAKING INTO THIS VAN,
AND THEY DRAGGED HIM AWAY.
IT WAS CRAZY. - RIGHT HERE.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- IF YOU COULD JUST STOP WRITING FOR A SECOND
AND JUST FOCUS HERE, 'CAUSE--
- MA'AM, MA'AM,
AS I'VE TOLD YOU SEVERAL TIMES ALREADY,
THIS IS A POLICE MATTER.
- WELL, IT DOESN'T SEEM TO MATTER TO THE POLICE.
- OKAY, NICE JOB WITH THAT, BUT LISTEN--
- LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.
IS IT THE POLICY OF THE PAWNEE POLICE DEPARTMENT
TO ARREST PEOPLE WHEN THEY TRY TO GET INTO THEIR OWN VAN?
- NO.
AND, THANKFULLY, THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENED.
SO NOW COULD YOU PLEASE GO HOME
AND GET SOME SLEEP AND LET THIS MATTER BE RESOLVED?
- THANK YOU, OFFICER. LET'S JUST GO HOME, LESLIE.
- YEAH, LET'S GO HOME. - LET'S JUST GO HOME.
- NO! - LET'S JUST GO HOME.
- NO!
- EASY.
- NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! - LESLIE.
- OKAY, COME WITH ME, PLEASE.
- FINE, I'D LIKE TO COME WITH YOU.
- YOUR FRIEND, HE ACTED LIKE AN ASS,
AND YOU GOT TO BELIEVE ME, HE DIDN'T GIVE ME A CHOICE.
- YOUR NAME'S DAVE, RIGHT?
CAN I CALL YOU DAVE?
- MY MOTHER LIKES DAVID,
BUT I'M PRETTY SPLIT ON--
- I HATE TO BREAK IT TO YOU, DAVE.
YOU REALLY STEPPED IN IT.
- WHAT?
- I'M A GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE, DAVID.
AND SO IS YOUR PRISONER.
IF I WANTED TO, I COULD GET ON THE HORN,
AND I COULD HAVE RON SWANSON DOWN HERE,
KICKING DOWN YOUR DOORS.
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. YOU HEARD ME.
RON SWANSON.
- WHAT BRANCH OF GOVERNMENT ARE YOU IN?
- PARKS AND RECREATION.
- PARKS AND RECREATION? - YES.
DO I STUTTER?
- LOOK, MISS KNOPE,
IT WASN'T JUST HIS BEHAVIOR, OKAY?
I THINK YOUR FRIEND MIGHT BE SOME KIND OF A PERVERT.
- NO, LOOK, THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE THINK WHEN THEY FIRST MEET HIM
BUT HE'S ALL TALK.
- NO, NO, NO, I'M BEING SERIOUS.
WE SEARCHED THE VAN,
AND WE FOUND A LOT OF DISTURBING THINGS.
SOME PROFESSIONAL PHOTOGRAPHY EQUIPMENT
AND THESE PICTURES OF SOME PEOPLE ON A DATE.
WE ALSO FOUND AN ENORMOUS AMOUNT OF MANURE
AND A VERY INAPPROPRIATE AMOUNT OF CANDY.
- OKAY, LOOK, TOM AND I WERE IN THAT VAN TOGETHER.
WE WERE STAKING OUT THE COMMUNITY GARDEN
BECAUSE SOMEBODY PLANTED MARIJUANA IN IT.
I BROUGHT THE CANDY, AND I BROUGHT A LOT OF IT
BECAUSE I LOVE CANDY.
I TOOK THE PICTURES.
MY BEST FRIEND WAS GOING ON A DATE WITH MY EX-LOVER.
IT'S BEEN A VERY LONG NIGHT.
BUT TOM IS NOT A PERVERT,
AND HE SHOULDN'T BE IN JAIL.
WELL, THEY'RE GONNA RELEASE HIM.
IN A LITTLE WHILE.
- OH, THANK GOD.
- SHOULD I GET YOU GUYS HOME RIGHT NOW?
- YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU TWO GO AHEAD.
I'M GONNA STAY HERE AND WAIT FOR TOM.
- ARE YOU SURE?
- YEAH.
PRISON CHANGES A MAN.
I THINK HE'LL PROBABLY WANT TO SEE A FAMILIAR FACE
WHEN HE GETS BACK ON THE OUTSIDE.
- WELL, OKAY, THEN.
SEE YOU, LESLIE.
- [groans]
- YO. I HAD TO WAIT TILL MY DAD FELL ASLEEP
SO I COULD STEAL HIS KEYS.
YOU READY?
- I WAS BORN READY.
I'M RON [bleep] SWANSON.
EASY. CARE-- [moans]
CAREFUL.
[pants]
[shouts]
- ANN, I REALLY DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD INVITE ME IN.
TERRIBLE THINGS HAPPENED LAST TIME.
- [laughs]
- SO I GUESS I'LL JUST...
SEE YOU TOMORROW. - OKAY.
- BYE.
- HEY, YOU KIND OF KISSED ME.
- YES, I DID, AND NOW WE BOTH HAVE HERPES.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER. - [laughs]
[rustling]
[car door shuts]
- LESLIE. THANKS FOR WAITING.
APPRECIATE IT. - MOTHER TERESA.
IT'S NOT YOUR CHOCOLATE. DON'T--GET YOUR HANDS OFF THAT.
- WAKE UP. - WHAT?
IS THIS YOUR HOUSE? WHERE ARE WE?
- HEY, YOU'RE AWAKE.
- OH, YEAH.
THANKS FOR THE COAT.
- IT'S NO PROBLEM. YOU CAN KEEP IT.
- REALLY?
- ACTUALLY, NO.
I-I NEED THAT FOR MY UNIFORM.
BUT I CAN GIVE YOU A RIDE BACK TO YOUR CAR.
- OKAY.
WE'LL TALK ABOUT THE COAT.
- I CAN'T GIVE IT TO YOU.
YOU UNDERSTAND? - OKAY.
- SO WHERE'S THAT MARIJUANA AT?
- UM, IT'S DOWN IN THE GARDEN.
- GOOD MEETING YOU, MAN.
SHOULD GRAB A DRINK OR SOMETHING SOME TIME.
- I JUST HOPE THAT ANN AND MARK GOT HOME OKAY.
THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS, YOU KNOW.
THAT ANN IS HOME, AND SHE'S OKAY.
AND THAT MARK IS ALSO OKAY, AND HE IS IN HIS HOME.
JUST IMPORTANT THAT THEY'RE BOTH
IN THEIR HOMES. - LESLIE!
MARK'S AN IDIOT.
YOU COULD DO A LOT BETTER THAN HIM.
FORGET ABOUT HIM.
THANKS, TOM.
- I DIDN'T MEAN ME.
KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS, KNOPE.
I SWEAR TO GOD, IT ACTUALLY--IT WAS THERE.
- THESE ARE CARROTS. - DUH.
YOU DON'T THINK I KNOW THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN CARROTS AND MARIJUANA?
- IS THAT THE HOUSE THERE WHERE YOUR BEST FRIEND LIVES?
WHERE SHE SAW THE VAN FROM? - YEAH.
- OKAY, I GET IT.
- WHAT?
- WELL, YOU WANTED TO CHECK UP ON YOUR FRIEND
AND THAT GUY, YOUR EX,
SO YOU MADE UP A STORY ABOUT WEED
SO YOU COULD STAKE OUT THEIR DATE.
- NO, I DID NOT.
THERE ACTUALLY WAS WEED HERE. - IT'S OKAY.
I THINK IT'S KIND OF CUTE.
I LIKE MISS KNOPE. I LIKED HER.
I GOTTA SAY, WHEN I FIRST MET HER,
I DIDN'T CARE MUCH FOR HER,
BECAUSE, LIKE 99% OF THE PEOPLE IN ANY GIVEN DAY
OF MY LIFE, SHE WAS VERY BELLIGERENT
AND DISAGREEABLE.
MISS KNOPE WAS ATTRACTIVE TO ME AS A MAN.
I WAS ATTRACTED TO HER IN HER DEMEANOR.
I WAS ATTRACTED TO HER IN A SEXUAL MANNER
THAT WAS APPROPRIATE.
CAN WE--I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS ANYMORE.
- [sighs] WHAT A CRAZY NIGHT.
HUH, PARTNER?
WANT TO GO GET SOME BREAKFAST?
- WHAT? NO. TAKE ME HOME.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
- * I'LL BE WATCHING YOU
- OH, MY GOD.
OH, MY GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS ON!
- * EVERY SINGLE DAY
- I WONDER IF MINI GOLF IS OPEN.
- HOME!
[muffled chatter]
- ANN-DANAWICZ,
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
EATING? LOVE IT.
OH, HEY, JUST WANTED TO THANK YOU
FOR HAVING ME ARRESTED AS A PERVERT THE OTHER NIGHT.
THAT WAS COOL.
PEACE.
- UH, WE DIDN'T THINK YOU WERE A PERVERT.
WE THOUGHT YOU WERE A CRIMINAL.
- FOR THE RECORD, I STILL ACTUALLY KIND OF THINK
HE'S A PERVERT.