MALE NARRATOR: Prepare thyself for one twisted tale.
Through the chapters of time, legends have been told
of brave knights, evil warlocks,
beautiful maidens, magical prophecies,
and other serious shit.
(SCREAMING)
Be not afraid.
This is your destiny.
You will bear my seed,
giving birth to a new beast,
a new age.
An age where I will command mankind in fear!
(GROANS)
(SCREAMING)
KNIGHT: To arms!
(YELLS)
At ease, Maiden.
When the light of the world flickers,
we, the Golden Order of Knights,
restore the rule of good.
You're safe now.
Then let us pray
that 100 years from now when these two moons meet again,
there will be a hero as brave as you, my lord.
A hero as brave.
Oh, fuck me.
DWARF EXECUTIONER: Prince Thadeous of Mourne,
you are hereby sentenced to death by hanging
for your illicit behavior
with the noble Dwarf King's second wife Regina.
DWARF KING: You're a disgrace to any kingdom!
I say hang the bastard.
Get on with it! (DWARVES AGREEING)
And your minstrel, Courtney,
is to be tarred and feathered
for unlawful association with a deviant.
Children, I'm allergic, please. Let's not.
Please! These allegations, they're being greatly exaggerated.
It was more or less just heavy petting
with a brief moment of penetration.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Disgusting!
He deserves to die! Kill him! Hang the bastard!
THADEOUS: Hey! Easy! That's not nice. (DWARVES SHOUTING)
You, bloodthirsty little fucker!
Show me some respect, I'm a prince!
To the bowels of hell!
Good night, Prince.
Oh, dear gods.
(SILENCE)
(ALL GASP) (EXHALES)
(COUGHING)
Your Highness, what are you doing?
I'm escaping, Courtney!
Quit playing with those children and help me!
Kill him!
Get him! After him!
COURTNEY: Your Highness, wait for me!
THADEOUS: Why are they upset?
All dwarf queens are unfaithful.
Hurry, Courtney, back to the kingdom!
COURTNEY: Forgive us with your tiny hearts!
THADEOUS: Faster sheepies, faster!
COURTNEY: Please wait, sir!
THADEOUS: Courtney, you've proven yourself useless yet again.
COURTNEY: Who's that?
THADEOUS: We're safe and We're stoned.
COURTNEY: Ganja!
THADEOUS: They're gaining on us.
COURTNEY: Oh, the dragon!
Those Highland Dwarves have got weapons!
Coming through.
(LAUGHS) Boobies!
(SCREAMS)
Watch out, Courtney!
(EXCLAIMS)
I'm telling father we should go
to war with these double-crossers.
(CLUCKING)
(EXCLAIMS) Poultry!
Livestock! Courtney, this is no time to be napping.
I'm a chicken.
Let's get back... Oh, look!
Mmm. A little feast to break up this pursuit.
Dangerous, yet delicious.
COURTNEY: I'm jumping out this window...
(EXCLAIMS)
He's angry!
Courtney, break my fall with your body.
COURTNEY: Owl Please don't hurt my bottom!
Run, Courtney! Pick up the pace!
Why do people so little run so fast?
(YELLING)
(WOMEN YELLING)
(GASPS)
That was close.
Courtney, I've had enough of this nonsense!
Crack-a-lacka, you little varmint.
COURTNEY: They're devils, sir! They're devils!
DWARF: Get him! COURTNEY: They're muscular.
THADEOUS: Get Off me! COURTNEY: That"S if, Sir!
Your Highness!
TALLIOUS: Please tell me that you completed your simple task
and secured the treaty signed by the Lord of the Dwarf Village.
Father, they sent a beautiful woman
to distract me and I was defenseless.
Don't bandy words with me, Thadeous.
Your brother is to return from his quest at any moment.
Please go and bathe yourself.
Why must I bow to greet him?
No one does anything special for me
when I do extraordinary things.
And what extraordinary things have you done of late?
Do tell me. Enlighten me.
Courtney, what extraordinary things have I done?
You took a bubble bath, ate some toast,
had a sleep for one hour,
and commissioned a naked statue of your fine self.
God, if your mother could see you now.
Hear ye! Hear ye!
(CLAMORING) (BELL TOLLING)
Oh, dear gods.
It is with blossoming personal joy
that I announce the return of the mighty,
the magnificent, the merciful,
Prince Fabious!
(ALL CHEERING)
(FANFARE PLAYING)
WOMAN 1: Hey, Prince Fabious, we adore you!
MAN 1: Welcome home, Prince Fabious.
WOMAN 1: You're my king, Prince Fabious.
Welcome home! You are adored.
MAN 2: it's Prince Fabious!
WOMAN 2: Prince Fabious, I'm here for you now.
Brother!
Oh, my god, I missed you so.
(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) Great to see you.
Father.
My son.
Welcome home.
FABIOUS: As you all know,
the evil wizard Leezar has plagued our kingdom
with his foul creatures and wicked ways for years.
But with my brave trusted knights
and my dear Simon.
(SQUAWKING) (ALL EXCLAIMING)
Join us, my mechanical friend.
We have dispatched the latest of these cold blooded enemies.
Behold!
The head of Leezar's mighty Cyclops!
(ALL CHEERING)
MAN: Fuck, yeah!
ALL: (CHANTING) Fabious! Fabious! Fabious!
(CHANTING STOPS)
Once again, Prince Fabious has made me as proud as a father could ever be.
All the land owes him gratitude.
(SQUAWKING)
This is not the only good news
that I've brought home with me today.
Father, Brother, kingdom...
(CROWD MURMURING)
TALLIOUS: She is radiant!
FABIOUS: I'd like you to meet my bride-to-be.
Belladonna.
(ALL CHEERING)
TALLIOUS: Belladonna, my dear,
why don't you delight us with your story.
BELLADONNA: Oh, no. It's a story of strife and sadness.
FABIOUS: No, no, it's not. It's a story of love.
THADEOUS: You don't have to tell it. FABIOUS: Shh.
If she doesn't want to tell it.
FABIOUS: She will tell. This is a table full of your loved ones.
BELLADONNA: Oh. Okay.
I've been held captive by Leezar
in the Tower of Disorder since I was but a child.
Never knowing love nor human contact.
(EXHALES) But I never gave up hope.
Singing every day, praying that someday my hero would find me.
And I did.
We had just slaughtered the Cyclops.
(ALL CHUCKLING) We were on our way home, and on the wind
I heard the most beautiful song.
(GIGGLES)
Fascinating, really. May we take pause for one moment.
Yes, sir.
Look at Courtney's new haircut.
Doesn't it make his head look like the tip of a penis?
(LAUGHING) it's hilarious.
Thadeous, please.
What is your problem?
You, Fabious, you're being selfish and greedy.
Stealing all the attentions.
Today is not just for you two.
Today is Thundarian's birthday.
Thundarian, is it your birthday?
It's not my birthday.
It's not Thundarian's birthday, Thadeous.
TALLIOUS: Enough, enough.
My heart's desire, what is this?
No. That's a... We call that a fork,
and you use that for your food.
Right there. Fucking idiot.
(LAUGHING)
FABIOUS: Having spent years in the tower
has made her ignorant to some of our customs and things in general.
TALLIOUS: Why, yes, of course.
If your mother were here today,
she would be a very proud woman, Fabious. (EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)
FABIOUS: Thank you, Father.
Which is why I ask your permission to marry her at once.
The glory of romance!
I call upon my criers to proclaim
that tomorrow we'll see the greatest wedding this kingdom has ever known.
And tonight, we celebrate!
(ALL CHEERING)
(DOGS BARKING)
(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)
I don't like this.
Courtney, will you make funny faces to entertain me?
(LAUGHING)
No.
Never triangle face. I hate triangle face. It scares me.
Apologies.
Ah.
Good evening, Your Royal Highness.
COURTNEY: Julie.
Hello, fucking Julie.
What a wonderful, wonderful evening, sire.
Yet another glorious achievement
in the whole firmament of starring moments for your brother Fabious.
(LAUGHS) We shall remember it for the rest of our lives.
Isn't that amazing how he can talk
and suck my cock at the same exact time?
Yes, it is. Incredible. (LAUGHING)
Oh, clean yourself up.
Should have closed your eyes, Julie.
I know your vulgarity masks your pain.
No, it doesn't.
I was trying to remember the last time we had
one of these wonderful evenings for you, sir.
Surely there must have been one
somewhere in the history of this kingdom, of your illustrious life.
There must've been some moment
that we can all remember.
And I'm trying to think now
and there's nothing.
Courtney, I think I've had enough of this foul party.
Yes, sir.
(JULIE LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)
THADEOUS: Stupid Julie, I'll show him.
I am Thadeous,
the greatest sword fighting man to ever live.
I will murder anyone whoever tries to insult me
or challenge me. (SQUAWKING)
Some balls you have, Simon, showing yourself to me.
(CHITTERING)
No matter what you say, we'll never be friends
because I hate mechanical inventions
and you know this.
(CHITTERING)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Hey, Simon.
You should swing from your hips, Brother. You'll get more leverage.
Here, let me show you.
Oh, god.
Put your hands there, yeah,
and swing.
Gods, get off of me. I know how to use a sword.
Do you? Yes.
We'll see about that.
Okay, enough. I don't want to do swords with you.
I'm doing it by myself.
Defend yourself, Brother!
Stop it. There you go.
Stop.
Defend yourself!
(FABIOUS EXCLAIMING) Stop it.
Oh, shit!
You just nicked my knuckles!
Oh, you'll be all right. It's not as if I cut your head off or anything.
Why would you bring that disgusting thing here?
It's getting juices in our water supply.
It's a souvenir of my kill.
I always take one from a foe that's tasted the cold,
unrelenting steel of my blade.
Souvenir of your kill?
That sounds like a rather stupid, bloodthirsty tradition.
What's your problem?
Why are you such a sourpuss?
I'm not being a sourpuss. I just didn't wanna be at that celebrations.
All I want is for you to be a part of this moment.
I want you to be gay with me and father.
I don't want to be gay with you two.
(SIGHS)
I'd rather just stay in here
with my blade and fuck things up.
Why would you say that?
Because, Fabious, it's true.
(GRUNTING)
I'm sick and tired of everyone sucking up on your tits
because you are to become king.
All the while, no one gives two turtle shits about me.
But Thaddy, first borns like me, we become king.
Second borns, you can be whatever you want to be.
I want to be king.
Maybe we can both be king.
No, I want to be king by myself.
Well, cheer up, Brother.
I have something else that you can be.
What?
Best man at my wedding.
I can think of no one else I'd want by my side
as I sing my vow passionately into her eyes.
Sounds tedious and boring.
If I'm not mistaken, it's tradition
that the best man gets to finger the bridesmaids.
Really? I've never heard of this tradition.
(SNIFFS)
You have a fucking deal.
Oh, you're gonna be so handsome!
Who's gonna be the most handsome best man?
Probably me.
Who's the prince with the most dashing moustache?
Me.
Who gives the warmest hugs?
Me, of course.
I love you, Thadeous.
Okay, that's cool.
MALE ANNOUNCER: All gather for the royal wedding!
(ALL CHATTERING)
Hello there, best man.
Best man?
If he wanted a best man, he should have chosen me.
How many quests have I been on with Fabious?
Countless. Mmm.
I gave my hand to save his life on the battlefield.
And yet he chooses Thadeous as his best man.
That sorry sack of shit.
Such a poor excuse for a prince.
He's nothing more than a self-entitled, rotten child!
MANIOUS: Idiot.
You look beautiful. Thank you.
FABIOUS: Belladonna...
Oh, my love.
Oh, Fabious, I can't wait until the cervix is over,
and to lie together as one.
No, the service.
The cervix is a circular wing of muscles that contracts or expands.
It's up in your vagina.
That's where my penis will go after the wedding.
(CHUCKLES)
Have you not consummated your love?
FABIOUS: Not yet.
Belladonna has never been with a man
so we've decided to preserve her purity till after the wedding.
She's given me this ribbon from her fair hair.
To hold on to until we can be together in a sex-way.
Yes.
TALLIOUS: Enough, enough.
(SIGHS)
If Thadeous wishes to play forgetful
on his brother's day of days,
then wait we shall not.
I can't get married without my brother. He's my best man.
His time has passed. Pick another best man.
No.
Julie, you be best man. Here you are.
Godsdammit.
THADEOUS: Oh, Brendan, you trolls have it so easy.
Out here playing recklessly in your beautiful mud.
Eating your scraps of horse meats and crumbs.
Green grass. Green grass.
And do tell, how do you get so dirty?
You just take the earth and rub it upon your face?
Your Highness,
the wedding has... Hello. The wedding has started.
I do not care.
I'd rather stay with this fine gentleman.
Hiding here with my true friends.
Yes.
Let the whole entire wedding wonder and worry where I am.
(SINGING) This is the day that I've been waiting for
Sand in the kingdom
Our love is born
Flowing from the ocean to the moons
Your heart now I hold
(SINGING OFF-KEY) You have a beauty I can't ignore
Bastion of all I do adore
BOTH: Giving this moment
Our love that's true
Our hearts now are one
(LEEZAR APPLAUDING)
LEEZAR: Bravo! (ALL MURMURING)
Bravo!
Reveal yourself, stranger. Are you lost?
A thousand pardons. I mean not to intrude on such a joyous occasion.
However, today I just could not help myself.
Leezar! (GASPS)
You're not welcome here, devil!
(BLOWS)
If you come in peace, say so,
otherwise prepare to meet your doom.
LEEZAR: Oh, brave Fabious.
You murdered my Cyclops. But I have other perils in store for you.
Ones that are beyond the bounds of your imagination.
One, in particular,
involving an ancient prophecy destined
to be fulfilled by a powerful Warlock,
me.
And, of course, a very beautiful virgin that looks just like
(GASPS)
her. (CROWD GASPS IN HORROR)
I was keeping that one for something very special.
And I dare say it was rude of you to steal her from me.
Now I'm here to get her back.
And just how do you plan on doing that?
Magic,
(CRACKING NECK)
motherfucker.
TALLIOUS: Not a moment more.
Knights, to arms! Take him!
(ALL SCREAMING)
Do you honestly think your band of worms can stop me?
(GRUNTS)
Arise therefore, my mothers!
(GRUNTS)
Watch out!
(YELLING)
Come with me.
Leezar!
(GRUNTING)
I shall not go back to that dreadful tower!
Look into my eyes!
You will learn to love me! Do you understand?
(GROANING)
FABIOUS: Come on.
(LAUGHING)
Impossible.
(SHRIEKS)
(SCREAMING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
Farewell, Kingdom of Mourne.
As always, it has been my pleasure.
(EXCLAIMING)
(SCREAMS)
(PANTING)
COURTNEY: I thought it was from riding sheep,
but it turns out just to be an ear infection.
(LAUGHING)
You fucker!
Good times.
No one get up. I'm very tired.
I'm going straight to my bed chambers.
Brother, thank god you're alive.
When you didn't show up for the wedding, I feared the worst.
Why are you crying?
Leezar has taken my love.
What? Yes.
So, your brother is about to embark on yet another quest.
This time to rescue Belladonna
and rid the land of that loathsome wretch
once and for all.
Wow, how noble of him.
Well, it was nice to see you, as short as the visit was.
I look forward to hearing about it. Good luck and good bye.
Thadeous, this is Fabious' 28th quest.
How many have you been on?
Courtney, how many quests have I completed?
Uh...
The answer is none.
It is finally time for you to become a man.
You must journey with your brother to rescue his bride.
THADEOUS: Father, you can't be serious.
If you want me to go on to a quest,
then let's start with something easy,
like boiling a chicken or beating off in front of a Pegasus.
Elementary things.
Look around you at the harm that has befallen this castle!
This quest is your last chance
to prove to me and the kingdom
that you are a man worthy to bear the family crest,
and to show that at your core, you are not rotten,
but you are brave, and honorable, and noble.
All the qualities expected of a prince.
The choice is yours.
Either journey with your brother and the Knights Elite,
or you can face banishment from the kingdom.
Shit.
(HORSES NEIGHING)
(SIMON SCREECHING)
You see, Courtney,
I alone understand how to properly prepare for a quest.
Masculine garments, proper, good collie to smoke upon.
How is Steven doing?
He looks like he's stoned, sir.
Fabious has Simon,
and now I have Steven, a far superior creature companion.
Wouldn't you agree?
He will fare very well, indeed, I'm sure, Your Highness.
I do hope this adventure is not too stressful or boring.
Either way I intend to get properly fucked up if no one disagrees.
Belladonna, wake up. Wake up.
Who is that? Where am I?
'Tis I, Fabious. Your love.
(GASPS)
Fabious?
You're still in Leezar's lair.
But fear not, I'm here to rescue you.
Fabious, it's really you.
I knew you'd come to find me.
(LAUGHING RAUCOUSLY)
I can't do this. I can't do it. It's so mean.
You should've seen the look on your face. It's me!
You're still a prisoner.
I've seen a beautiful world beyond this prison,
and I count the hours till I escape.
I wouldn't be so sure of that.
Lookie there. The twin moons drawing slowly together.
Time moving them closer.
Just as time moves you and I closer together.
And when the two moons unite, so shall we.
Perhaps, keeping you in this tower has left you ignorant.
You're so easily deceived.
For example, I have heard that your Prince Fabious
has made his bed recklessly with many maidens.
And I heard that he has fungi on his genitalia as a result.
Also, he organizes orgies
with wenches and barbarians alike
and he takes sperm on him and gives it to women freely.
Spilling his seed willy-nilly
as he makes his way through that orgy.
I don't believe you.
He is not the dashing young man you believe him to be.
So
these are the harsh realities of the outside world.
Welcome home.
SOLDIERS Halt! Steady.
Oh.
Sorry to disturb you two love birds
but we've arrived at the home of the Wize Wizard.
Who the hell is the Wize Wizard?
He's an ancient seer who helps many
on their quest with added insight.
Great. Well, let me know how it goes.
Leave him in his carriage, Fabious.
You and I will seek counsel with the Wize Wizard.
No.
Come, Brother. This is the first stop on your first quest.
We shall go together.
(ARMOR SQUEAKING)
(GRUNTING)
Brother,
you look ravishing in that armor,
but I don't think you'll need it.
The Wize Wizard is a peaceful, little old man.
I'm wearing it. You're just being jealous.
Shit!
Thadeous!
Fuck.
Hello? Anyone home?
THADEOUS: Looks as if someone is cultivating glorious herbs in here.
FABIOUS: Hey, Wize Wizard, is that you over there?
WIZE WIZARD: Who dares enter my den?
It is I, Prince Fabious and my brother, Prince Thadeous.
We come to seek counsel.
Come, come. Give me kisses.
(MOANING)
Kiss him.
Fuck, no.
Pretty please.
Kiss it on the mouth.
For the quest.
I do it every time I come.
Hello. Nice to meet you.
(MOANING)
Oh, god.
Sit, sit.
Sit.
Fabious has been coming here since he was a boy.
You did this when you were a child.
FABIOUS: Yes!
We had great times, didn't we?
Yes, yes, we did.
(WIZE WIZARD CHUCKLES)
You would kiss him?
WIZE WIZARD: Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, sometimes we would do other things.
Like what?
When I was younger, we'd take our shirts off and jump on the bed.
Playful secrets.
Don't tell father.
WIZE WIZARD: Hmm.
Breathe deeply of these herbs
and share a vision with me.
FABIOUS: Of course.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(CHUCKLING)
Yes. Allow me to puff as well.
WIZE WIZARD: Hmm.
(SIGHS)
(WHISTLES) Those are some powerful herbs.
Giving me dark visions.
Shall we pack this again?
I'm not getting visions. I'm not sure if it's working, Wizard.
(GROANING)
Visions. Visions.
Thadeous, are you seeing what I'm seeing?
You making a fool yourself.
Handle your shit, Fabious, please.
No, I can't.
Please, interpret these visions, Wizard.
Prophecies foretell of an evil wizard
laying his seed inside a virgin
under the eclipse of the two moons.
What? What evil prophecy is this?
The child she would spawn
is said to be a dragon most powerful.
Ew. Leezar wants to make love to Belladonna to create a dragon?
That's fucking disgusting. (FABIOUS GROANS)
FABIOUS: I cannot let this happen.
When is this eclipse?
In five nights' time,
but you will need an enchanted blade to do this warlock in.
A blade made of unicorn horn.
Say where I can find such a sword and it shall be mine.
It rests in the depths of the most perilous hidden labyrinth.
Just beyond Muldiss Darton.
Well, what is Muldiss Darton?
It's a place of legend.
(EXHALES)
FABIOUS: Oh. Powerful magic.
This crooked compass will catch the light
and point the way to the labyrinth's location.
Be warned,
they say the walls of this maze drive men to madness.
But if you can find your way,
the blade will be yours.
Thank you, Wize Wizard.
Not so fast. First you must answer a riddle.
What journey be long and twisted and sensitive at hand?
To what end must man go to discover the depths of his ecstasy?
Think hard, strong warriors. (CHUCKLES)
Fuck, I know this.
Oh. (CONTINUES CHUCKLING)
FABIOUS: I've got it!
You want us to twist what is long with our sensitive hands.
He wants us to jerk him off.
Just punch the tip and twist it.
Yes, but we are not going to do that.
If it's for the quest, we will do what needs to be done.
(CHUCKLING)
I'll work the tip, you tickle his balls.
(MOANING)
Yuck!
Pervert.
Did you get any information?
Let's just make camp.
Sick. This quest sucks.
It used to be you that joined him.
Yes.
Don't worry. All will be well.
Ha!
(CHIRPING)
(GROANING)
Attentions please, warriors.
I propose a toast.
Let us drink till thine asses are drunk.
Brother, we do not celebrate
until we complete the quest at hand.
It is the code of the Knights Elite.
What of my code where we drink like men?
Thadeous, we have some traditions
of our own out here on the road.
Manious, prepare the warrior's tidings, if you will.
If it is the first night of your first quest, well...
MANIOUS: Here it comes.
(GRUNTING)
THADEOUS: Disgusting
Feast upon the heart of the beast.
No, thank you, I'm not hungry.
It is a tradition among men.
Eat it. Eat it.
BOREMONT: Eat it. Eat it.
KNIGHTS: (CHANTING) Eat it! Eat it! Eat it!
(ALL LAUGHING)
(CHITTERING)
You fuckers! That's not funny!
You're not supposed to eat it.
You all were chanting.
Maybe there's some donkey cock in your carriage!
Fuck you, Boremont! Manious, fuck you!
I hate all of you.
Thadeous!
Come back.
Thadeous, come here.
(RETCHING)
Ah.
(CHANTING SPELL)
Dark master,
it is I, Julie.
(URINATING)
We have crossed the hazel meadow,
and are now taking rest at the Cliffs of Kuneman.
Now that the Princes of Mourne have left their stronghold
their vulnerabilities are in your hands.
My hands.
Bring Prince Fabious to me alive.
I would like him to witness as I impregnate his love.
(LAUGHS) Impregnate.
As for Thadeous and his boy,
toss them from the Cliffs of Kuneman. They're useless.
Fart.
Knock, knock. May I come in?
No, leave me alone. Get out of here.
Thadeous, you must calm down. It's over.
You ate the heart, you passed the initiation.
Passed?
You made me look stupid in front of all your friends.
And don't think I'm not telling father because I'm going to.
Thadeous, we were just having some fun, and it was perfect.
Now they know you're not to be fucked with.
Excuse me, sir, sorry for the intrusion.
I have just witnessed a most disturbing incident.
FABIOUS: There must be a misunderstanding.
Julie is my most trusted confidant.
(LAUGHS) Julie is an idiot.
No, he's not. He's a gentleman.
Julie is what, Your Highness?
I'm not sure, Julie.
Courtney said he saw some suspicious behavior.
You, I saw you talking with Leezar.
(LAUGHING)
How dare you watch me in my private moments.
(CASTING SPELL)
(ALL GROANING)
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
He's stolen my vision.
FABIOUS: Get him, Courtney!
Come here!
(GRUNTING)
You old beast.
Courtney, just restrain him with all your might.
No, slay him!
Murder him!
Die of me.
What?
(GRUNTING) Don't move, you're surrounded.
(GASPS) THADEOUS; Ew!
Julie has no dick!
Ew.
Boremont!
JULIE: Help!
(EXCLAIMING)
Knights!
A turncoat has been discovered!
Prince Fabious, what is wrong?
Boremont, seize Julie,
I'm afraid he's betrayed us!
That thing is a dickless traitor!
BOREMONT: A traitor, you say. BOTH: Yes.
I saw him seeking counsel with Leezar.
Counsel? With Leezar?
Well, if what they say is true,
then, Julie, I have but one question for you.
What were our master's orders?
What?
JULIE: His orders were simple.
Capture Fabious and kill the rest.
Boremont, how could you?
What about the code of the Knights Elite?
BOREMONT: Code?
Upon your choice of best man for your wedding,
your "code" became clear to me.
You hurt my feelings.
Now I shall hurt yours.
Kill them all!
Look out!
(WOOD CREAKING)
(EXCLAIMS)
To the carriage!
THADEOUS: Your friends tried to slay us.
Those bastards! Get in!
(GRUNTING)
After them!
Okay, go!
(URGING HORSES)
We've got company!
Ready yourselves!
These men are fierce!
Oh, gods!
(GRUNTING)
(SCREAMS)
(YELLS)
FABIOUS: Under the cart you go!
Fucking sword! Stab him!
(SCREAMING)
(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)
You out his hair off!
Oh!
Fabious, he's coming!
I know, get up here!
(THADEOUS EXCLAIMS)
Come on!
THADEOUS: NOW what?
I have a plan. We jump on the horses and ride away.
But the horses, they're moving.
I know. I know.
(GRUNTING)
Oh, shit!
(EXCLAIMS)
Come on!
What? Want me, as well?
Now! (SCREAMS)
Face me, you traitor.
(GROANS)
(GROANING)
Look!
COURTNEY: Oh, Shit!
(BOTH SHOUTING)
(MANIOUS AND THUNDARIAN SCREAMING)
We did it!
(GRUNTS)
FABIOUS: Ka-boom!
COURTNEY: (LAUGHING) Yes!
LEEZAR: If I could have everyone's attention.
I'd like to say a few words, if I may.
I have prepared this feast
in honor and appreciation of Belladonna.
Seems like it was only yesterday
that we used sorcery to burn your village to the ground,
come in and snatch you.
But I remember looking at you
all those years ago and thinking,
"Wow, that's a baby."
"And that's the baby that someday I will have to have sex with."
Now, look at me.
A 19-year-old boy, almost a man,
(LAUGHS)
still a virgin.
To the fuckening!
Yes, to the fuckening!
(SPITS IN DISGUST) Leezar, what is this rubbish you have set before us?
It's such a funny choice for a feast.
I'm just a little overwhelmed right now.
Dealing with her and you and the fucking prophecy.
I mean, we could all just relax...
JULIE: Master.
What do you want, Julie?
Regrettably, the Princes of Mourne have escaped.
You should've killed them at the wedding when you had the chance.
Fabious is of no purpose to us.
Silence!
His purpose is to destroy you and your evil ways.
Would you shut up, or I will love you less.
Are those fish fingers you're eating?
No more questions! Now find them!
(URGING HORSES)
Shit! Fabious, the horses! They're escaping.
Yes, it's a distraction to lead them off our trail.
And what are we to do now? Walk all the way home?
Home? We're not going home.
Just because the knights betrayed us
does not mean we give up on the quest.
Together we can still accomplish what needs to be done.
How? We're lost, I'm hungry.
This stump, it's putting my asshole to sleep.
Thadeous, your feet are bare. Put your boots on.
They're filthy, I'm having them exfoliated.
No time for exfoliation.
The compass points north.
We shall follow it still.
I will not give up till Belladonna is safe in mine arms.
Oh, god. (SIMON SQUAWKING)
Simon! Where have you been?
Shit.
What?
I left goddamn Steven back at camp.
Who's Steven?
He's my loyal animal companion.
And he means just as much to me as Simon means to you.
But I guess I'll never see him again.
Very well. I understand that bond.
Let us return to camp, face the traitors and rescue Steven.
No, fuck it. It's over.
But, perhaps, since my animal companion is no longer here,
it's only fair that we get rid of yours as well.
(CHIRPS SADLY)
No, that would serve no purpose, Brother.
That would be like me asking you to get rid of Courtney
just because Julie is no longer with us.
I will drown Courtney in the shallow fucking pond right now
if that means fair is fair.
I don't like that idea, sir.
No, Simon can help us.
Simon,
you must take this message to father.
Tell him that the Knights Elite betrayed us
and he must send an army across the valley to Muldiss Darton
and help us retrieve the Blade of Unicorn.
Hurry, Simon!
Fly to Mourne and deliver these desperate words.
Fly!
(SNIFFING)
Come on, Manious, you've been sniffing dirt all morning.
We would not be in this position, Julie,
if you wouldn't have gotten caught communicating with Leezar.
And if you ladies were proper assassins,
you'd have cut them down back there as the Dark Lord commanded.
Manious, what do you see?
They stepped towards the sun here.
This blade of grass, one of them pissed on it.
And then they moved, very quickly, mind, towards...
There!
JULIE: That's Marteetee's land.
What?
JULIE: Our mission may be completed sooner than I expected.
(LAUGHS)
If I may be so bold, Your Highness,
what is the meaning of that ribbon that you hold?
This?
It's a gift from Belladonna.
A symbol of her virgin purity.
I hold it and savor it.
You do that instead of have sex with her?
Belladonna is unlike any maiden in the kingdom.
She behaves without judgment,
defies expectation.
When I first heard her voice
3 teal' Came 110 my eye,
and that tear turned to ice,
and I kept that frozen tear
far from my heart that burns with passion.
If she had a wound,
I would kiss it.
If she had a splinter,
I would pull it from her flesh with mine lips.
Just say we are too late and Leezar has had his way with her,
would you still be able to be with her?
I don't want to think about that.
But just say that we were moments late,
and he was able to get her cookies.
Shut up.
Yes, I know, but what if he butt-fucked her? Would you still like her?
Do I have to write you a poem?
There's never been a love so true as ours.
That's pure love.
Yes, it is.
THADEOUS: No, that's pure love.
There's a naked woman standing behind you.
Who is that?
Is she looking at us?
Who is it? is it him? Are you looking to him?
Is it Courtney? Is it to me?
It's Courtney. I think it's to me.
COURTNEY: I believe she is taking her trousers off.
Right, I will return momentarily.
COURTNEY: NO.
Thadeous, it might be a trap.
The only thing those tits will trap is my warm spray.
Have fun rubbing your ribbon.
Disgusting.
Come back here, you. (GIGGLING)
I'm beginning to think he doesn't care about this quest.
What could possibly make you think that, sir?
THADEOUS: Oh, Shit!
Oh, shit! It's a trap. A booby trap.
Oh, god!
It was a trap. (EXCLAIMS)
White people, I knew it!
COURTNEY: White people?
Are they nice or are they mean? FABIOUS: They're mean!
They're the meanest!
THADEOUS: What do we do?
I don't know. It is against code to strike a woman.
I'm sick of your silly codes.
Punch these ladies in the face!
(THADEOUS GROANING)
(ALL CHATTERING)
COURTNEY: Sire, where are they taking us?
I don't know. Stay close!
(DRUMS BEATING)
(CROWD SHOUTING)
Marteetee.
Mart-who?
MARTEETEE: Silence!
Good day, my little bees
and welcome to my most special of events.
We have a wonderful treat
as you get to witness a sea of babbling men
behold their fates.
(MARTEETEE LAUGHING)
Enter, Dastardly!
(ALL CHEERING)
(CHEERING LOUDLY)
(LAUGHING)
Bloodthirsty creatures.
Oh!
(CHEERING)
(LAUGHING)
Brother, if I die, you must promise me to continue our quest.
Ooh!
No! Him.
Kill him first!
Stay away!
Take the knife.
Why?
Watch this.
(GRUNTING)
(SCREAMING)
Oh! Yes!
No!
(CHEERING STOPS)
Face! Yes!
Huh?
(ALL LAUGHING TRIUMPHANTLY)
We've bested your finest warrior.
Now grant us our freedom!
Yeah!
Bring Marteetee his cauldron!
(ALL CHEERING LOUDLY)
What is the cauldron?
Are my bees ready
for the grand finale?
(RUMBLING)
Yes, my pet!
Come forth
and show thy bulbous!
(ROARING)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Oh, shit!
(HISSING)
(SCREAMING)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Oh, gods!
(ALL CHEERING)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Over here!
(ROARING)
Hey, over here!
Over here!
Bring your fight to me!
Shit!
(HISSING)
(GROANING)
Thadeous!
Shit!
Sir! (YELLS)
I've been bitten! I can't move my leg.
You've got to suck out the venom.
I don't want to suck it! You suck it!
I can't suck my own venom!
THADEOUS: Yes, you can. I'll help you!
Suck it! Suck your venom.
I can't reach it with my mouth!
Courtney, suck the venom!
I've never sucked... Suck it!
And who have we here?
A sprightly little warrior you are.
THADEOUS: Suck it! Right there! Suck it!
I will make nice when I enter you!
It's coming! It's coming!
(MUFFLED YELL)
Courtney spit the load!
Don't swallow the venom! Spit it!
(ROARING)
Come on! Come on!
Kill it! Fuck it up!
(GROANS)
Yes!
(GROANS)
(PANTING)
(HISSING)
(GROANING)
(MOANING)
What?
(WHIMPERING)
Who is he that dares destroy my beautiful baby?
(MARTEETEE SOBBING)
(CROWD GASPING)
It's a woman.
I can see.
Marteetee,
when I was a child you enslaved my father
and slaughtered him in this very arena.
Today I avenge him.
First by killing the beast, second, by killing you.
Well, well, my tiny bee...
(GROANS)
Oh, shit.
(GROANING)
(ALL SCREAMING)
(RUMBLING)
Let's go! We're going!
(YELLING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(BOTH YELLING)
Brother, are you all right? I'm fine!
Come on, let's go!
This way!
(GROANING LOUDLY)
FABIOUS: Excuse me, my lady.
May I but speak with you a moment?
I'd like to introduce myself.
I am Prince Fabious of Mourne
and this is my brother, Thadeous,
and his squire, young Courtney.
Hello.
We'd like to thank you for your help with that dread beast.
I have no time for your maiden pleasantries.
My quest continues to the north.
FABIOUS: As does ours.
I thought maybe for the sake of both our quests,
that we could travel together.
At least, until we reach civilization.
THADEOUS: Yes, civilization.
We are good men, we're questing to save my...
Excuse my brother.
He's not familiar with the customs of the road.
Do not touch me. Why are you making me look bad?
A warrior on the road never divulges the nature of his quest.
One never knows if his aim may conflict with another's.
Yes, I was just being nice.
As we are on the same path,
I suppose you boys may follow me to Muldiss Darton.
From there I seek navigation and march alone.
We thank you. And may we have your name?
I'm Isabel.
The last living member of the Harshbarger order.
Well, Isabel, my brother and myself will ensure
that you run into no danger while you travel with us.
With our huge muscles, we shall protect you.
Who? Protect what?
To be fair, everyone will protect
each other equally, I'm certain.
But we will protect her more because we are men.
Boo! (LAUGHS) Gods!
What are you doing, Brother?
What right do you have, scaring a man like that?
Oh. What right have you to spy
on a bathing woman from the shrubs?
THADEOUS: I'm simply keeping an eye on her.
She is not like one of our dimwitted chamber maids
that let me take them from behind.
This woman has me vexed.
What exactly would it take for one
to tame such an adventurous slut?
I imagine she'd want her man to be honorable,
bold, brave, know his way around a blade.
Oh, god, she's looking at us. Remain perfectly still.
Mmm. We're almost out of wood.
(FABIOUS CLEARS THROAT)
Courtney, perhaps you and I should go and collect some firewood.
Yeah.
If you two wouldn't mind tending these embers.
No, of course not.
Tend away.
Care for another bite of some meat?
You're not much for talking, are you?
A true warrior must keep her focus on the road.
One never knows when death might be dealt.
Mmm. Yes, of course.
I've been involved in many
death dealings in focus-al moments.
Yes, by your childish shrieks
in the face of Marteetee's beast,
one could see as much.
What exactly is your problem with me?
Do you have a sword stuck so far up your butt-hole
that you cannot even enjoy yourself for one moment?
My quest affords me no such luxury.
Not even on a tender night like this?
The moons glimmering,
the cold air licking your tits.
On a night just like this I returned home from a hunt
to find a bloodbath.
Nothing remained of my six beloved brothers
save for their severed heads on stakes.
Their eyes had been plucked,
their teeth taken as tokens.
I wear this bracelet, forged of the steel of their shields,
as a constant reminder of my vow to avenge them.
My only advice would just be to keep your head up,
hang in there,
live every day to the fullest,
have sex as much as you can
by campfire when you're all alone
and your brother is out gathering wood.
Just simple things like that.
Do you think he'll make love with her tonight?
(LAUGHS) Not a chance.
(SIGHS)
Either way, I've spent a lifetime often envious of him.
Envious of Thadeous?
All the times that he could sit back and have a laugh
and really enjoy the moment.
And I was up on stage
wearing make-up to cover my acne.
My hair perfectly coiffed, even for war.
(CHUCKLES)
I think you misunderstand the situation.
He constantly gazes at you with such eager eyes.
Sometimes he borrows your armor
and he prances around the courtyard, flailing your sword,
going, "I am Fabious!
"Look at me slay dragon."
(BOTH LAUGHING)
He does it out of love. He loves you, sir.
He adores you.
I know tragedy as well. My mother is dead.
I have someone dead in my family, too.
Also, recently
my brother's bride-to-be was stolen
by a devious wizard.
Wizard?
Mmm-hmm.
Huh.
If you could Keep a secret,
it was Leezar.
Leezar?
Mmm-hmm.
Ah.
I understand he's a very dangerous man.
Duh. That's why Fabious turned to me.
The most bold and brave and honorable man that he knows.
Mmm.
We aim to kill the magical cocksucker.
Do you see this compass?
What a fascinating device.
It will lead us to a labyrinth which holds a blade.
The only weapon strong enough to defeat the wizard.
Well, perhaps I misjudged you.
It's not your fault.
I know I may seem like I have a rugged exterior,
but underneath it all, I have a golden heart that beats and beats.
(SQUEAKING)
(CHITTERING)
So beautiful.
(SQUEALING)
That poor creature.
That's right.
(SNORTING)
Look at yourself.
Why would anyone ever want to be with you?
Hmm. I'm not sure, really.
Oh, yeah. Perhaps, because I'm rich,
I live in a castle and I can do magic.
Okay, then why did you need to kidnap me if you're so desirable?
Because I'm the prophecy born, maybe.
Or I'm going to have a dragon soon
which I'll be able to control,
and it's going to give me ultimate power.
How? Because you can make a dragon do things?
Yes. I could make it devour people
or breathe fire over the Kingdom of Mourne.
Mmm. Sounds flimsy.
First of all, you obviously don't know
jack shit about the prophecy.
How do you know that it won't be me who controls the dragon?
(LAUGHING) Because I am the chosen one.
Chosen one controls the dragon.
Those are the rules, basically.
(LAUGHS)
What are you laughing at?
I was just thinking about your penis
and how unusual it must look.
It doesn't look unusual.
How do you know it's going to work?
Because I've tested it. Really?
And if your vagina is anything like my hand
there will be no problem.
(SNORING)
Fair warriors, arise.
Two days before the eclipse.
Thadeous, hand me the compass so I can check its shadow.
What?
The compass.
Oh.
That's weird.
It was around my neck when I slept.
Where is it, Thadeous?
I don't know. I just woke up.
Isabel seems to have gone.
THADEOUS: Isabel!
Isabel!
Shit.
Thadeous,
you didn't by chance tell her
anything about the nature of our quest, did you?
I may have dropped
a few minor details.
Did you tell Isabel
anything about the one-of-a-kind mythical compass?
Mmm.
Gods!
She's run off with the compass.
We don't know that for sure. Oh, yeah?
Where is it? Where is she?
All right, well, it wasn't my fault.
I was falling madly in love with her.
I was bedazzled by her sweet bosom.
I was helpless.
You fool!
Without the compass, how do we find the Blade of Unicorn?
And without that sword, how do we defeat Leezar?
Maybe we can find some other way, with nets or something.
Nets?
Oh, that's a great plan.
And meanwhile, Belladonna's going to get raped and die!
We don't know for sure if she'll die.
Is this a joke to you?
Look, I'm sorry, but I shouldn't even be here.
We've almost been killed multiple times.
I will probably die on this quest.
Courtney definitely will.
Fuck Courtney, and fuck you!
Maybe they're right, everything they say about you.
They only say that stuff because of you,
because you go out and have to pretend to be the best.
And they look at me like I'm some sort of idiot.
Everyone in the kingdom wants to suck your dick.
No one wants to suck mine!
Oh, Thadeous,
you have the potential to be such a noble warrior,
but instead you just let yourself go,
and everyone around you.
You have no idea what it's like to be me.
Being your brother is a curse.
I'd rather be brothers with anyone else but you.
(GRUNTS)
You say nothing else for fear of what I might do.
Nothing!
Now get dressed and comb your hair.
I'm going to Muldiss Darton.
Sex.
(LAUGHS)
Come on, Courtney.
FABIOUS: Come on.
For better or worse, we're here. Muldiss Darton.
You and Courtney entertain yourselves.
I'm going off to find the sword alone.
Alone?
I can't afford to waste any more time.
Well, what are we to do?
Do whatever it is you do, Thadeous.
Well, obviously he's still upset.
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
Oh, gods, Courtney.
How my heart laments.
Having been betrayed by the sways of a beautiful woman.
And Fabious, throwing his goddamn tantrums
with no regard for anyone else's feelings.
He really needs to consider...
Sir, look over there.
It's that thieving Isabel.
My gods! The balls of this woman!
Do you think any of those men are her boyfriends?
COURTNEY: Possibly.
Who would ever want to be her boyfriend?
What do we do?
I'll tell you what we do.
We go over there, we get the compass back,
we give it to Fabious,
we make him feel horrible
for the way in which he treated me,
and then you and I head for home.
You believe it to be as easy as that, sir?
Courtney, she is a woman, and we are a man.
How hard could this be?
It's my birthday today, you know.
Fuck that.
(GRUNTING)
FABIOUS: Boremont!
You dare to betray me twice?
No, it's the same betrayal as before.
It all just counts as one.
I suggest you surrender before my father's army gets here.
After Simon's message, they should be arriving nigh on now.
Ah, yes.
About your tin pet.
(SQUAWKING)
(MANIOUS LAUGHING) Simon.
Best of luck with your quest.
And you with yours.
Not so fast, trickster.
Hello, Thadeous.
The time for pleasantries is through.
Do you feel that tiny prick in your back?
Is that your cock? (SCOFFS)
No, 'tis a knife, but I'll gladly penetrate you with it.
Now look over your shoulder.
Other shoulder.
(LAUGHING)
(CHUCKLES)
Frightening. Mmm-hmm.
We have you surrounded. An animal in a cage.
Now sit.
So, who were those handsome men you were talking to?
My contacts.
Mmm. By contacts do you mean
men you trick into liking you so you can fuck them over?
What are you talking about?
You know what I'm talking about.
The compass. Hand it over now.
You lied. It does nothing.
Maybe if you would've gone to the Wize Wizard like we did,
he could have explained to you that it only works in sunlight.
Really?
Shit, I shouldn't have told you that.
Isn't the Wize Wizard a pervert?
Yes.
Sadly, I think he molested my brother.
That's unfortunate.
Enough of your sympathy. The compass. Give it.
I need it to destroy Leezar.
Your quest is to kill Leezar?
Yes. My family is the order of the Golden Knights.
We're sworn to obstruct the prophecy of the dragon eclipse.
That's what the Golden Knights do?
It is my legacy to stop anyone
who wants to fuck to make dragons.
Yuck. Well, that's the same thing we're trying to do.
Why would you hinder us and steal the compass?
His mothers sent my brothers to their death.
I must stop Leezar and I can't afford
to let anyone get in my way.
Least of all, a slob and his boy.
Guess what? I despise you.
You're a bully and a whore.
Now give me the compass now.
And if I don't?
Well,
then things will get very nasty.
Oh, really?
Oh, really.
(GROANS)
Shit!
Oh, shit!
(GRUNTING)
Oh! God! Courtney, fucking do something.
Your Highness!
Excuse me.
What the fuck?
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(SCREAMING)
Take that shit outside!
Oh, sorry.
(GRUNTING)
(MEN LAUGHING)
(THADEOUS GROANING)
Hello.
(YELLING)
(GRUNTING)
(PANTING)
(LAUGHING)
(MEN SHOUTING)
Thank you for the hospitality, gentlemen.
That didn't really go as planned.
She's gone and now so is the compass.
She is, indeed, gone, sir.
The compass, however, is right here.
Courtney, my good man. (LAUGHING)
(LAUGHS)
How did you do it?
Before your father bought me,
I was a sex slave for a band of gypsies in the north
and they taught me a thing or two about sleight-of-hand.
Oh, you.
Now you see me, now you don't.
Delicious.
(SPEAKING FRENCH) (SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
(CHUCKLES)
I can't wait to see the look
on Fabious' silly face when he sees this.
BOREMONT: Clear!
THADEOUS: Fabious.
What do we do?
THADEOUS: I'll telL you what we do.
We will steal a steed and we will ride to the next town.
We become ghosts, start a brand new life,
one where you still serve me. And we're stable boys,
and we bed the fickle wives of farmers.
What about Fabious?
Oh, Fabious.
We'll remember him fondly.
I really think we should try and rescue him.
But, how, Courtney? You are weak, and I am hungry.
(SWORD SWISHING) (SCREAMS)
You deceitful pricks. You stole the compass from me.
Who? I didn't. Courtney did.
Please have mercy on us, lady warrior.
Fabious has been captured by Leezar and his men.
He was captured?
THADEOUS: Yes.
We got into a huge swordfight
and we were able to escape
and he was not.
I know how you're feeling inside.
As if you cannot rest
until you destroy those who harmed your family.
You want to skin them alive then wear their flesh as a cape
as you dance around their convulsing corpses.
Yes, of course.
Yes.
That feeling is all too familiar.
It's been burning in my beaver
since the day I lost my brothers.
We've had our differences,
but if we work together,
we can save your brother, avenge my family,
and destroy Leezar once and for all.
This woman is mad.
I believe we found our labyrinth.
Where? The compass has led us to a dead end.
Shall we return home?
It appears as though there's something written here
in the language of the Highland Dwarf.
I can't read it.
Sir, you're well-versed in the Highland Dwarf language, aren't you?
You read Dwarf, Thadeous?
I have had encounters with those people, yes.
Really? Well, then what does it say?
Fucker.
(SIGHING)
(READING DWARF LANGUAGE)
It's nonsense.
It says, "What leads you here will lead you there."
It's rubbish.
Highland Dwarves are a silly culture.
Oftentimes they speak and I have no idea what they're talking about.
What is she doing?
ISABEL: Perfect fit.
(RUMBLING)
ISABEL: You coming?
(THADEOUS SNIFFING)
What is that foul stench?
(GROWLING)
What was that noise?
I don't know, Courtney. But I don't like this.
(GROWLING CONTINUES)
I fear we're not alone in here.
(BELLOWS)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(GROANING)
(BELLOWING FIERCELY)
What is that thing? I don't know, but run!
Isabel!
(GROWLING)
Sir?
Help! Your Highness!
Courtney!
COURTNEY: Thadeous!
Isabel!
Companions, where are you?
THADEOUS: Courtney! Hello?
Thadeous!
(BELLOWING)
COURTNEY: Where are you, sire?
This is the Blade of Unicorn?
It's just bones.
SOUL OF THE MAZE: You've found it.
Who said that?
'Tis I, the soul of this maze and protector of the blade.
'Tis my duty to ensure
only a true hero carries the blade from this tomb.
Okay.
Say, for instance, a man entered here
by accident who wasn't a true hero.
What would happen to him?
Death.
I see. Well,
I am no true hero.
So I would like to just place the sword back where I found it,
and then I will go my way, and you won't kill me,
and that will be that, okay?
Go?
Where would you like to go?
Is that...
Your home.
Okay, well, I would surely go there. That would be fine.
Shall I just slide the sword back into the thingy,
or place it gently upon the ground?
And if I told you that your brother
will die without the help of this blade,
would you still walk through that door?
Without the blade, Fabious will be helpless against Leezar.
(GROANING)
Shut your magical hole. Why are you showing me this?
SOUL OF THE MAZE: it's what you wanted, is it not?
Your brother gone.
You'll be king of all the land.
Think of the power,
the women, the bush, the sticky-icky, the honeypots.
Well, it would be nice to be king.
And all you have to do is forget about the blade.
Leave it where you found it and never think of this place again.
That's very sweet but I am not a female Minotaur.
Ow! (BELLOWING)
His worm is tickling me.
(GROANING)
(GRUNTING)
Get off of me!
I'm not enjoying this!
Get off me.
(MOANING)
(BELLOWING GENTLY)
Whewl
(THADEOUS EXCLAIMS) (GROANS)
(THADEOUS LAUGHING)
Did you just see that?
I came back for you all! I saved you!
What, you were going to leave us?
No, of course not.
Is that the...
Blade of Unicorn?
Yes, my companions, it is.
It's so beautiful.
THADEOUS: it's very, very sharp.
Come here, you silly.
What are you doing?
I was just trying to cut this horn as a souvenir of my kill,
but it's proving to be a bit of a bitch.
(ISABEL SCOFFS)
You can never sever the horn of a Minotaur.
Hmm.
THADEOUS: Only a champion man
would hold the Blade of Unicorn in his hands.
And I, Thadeous, am that man.
I have seen the pain in my reflection (WHIP CRACKING)
and watched the strength of my brother, unflinching.
My quest is one of love,
but also in this moment of forgiveness, of redemption,
even amongst the smallest of foes.
(SQUAWKS)
(SQUAWKING)
My path has been unstable
but my conviction is born to damn the fuckers who doubted me.
To lessen the assholes who tested me.
(ALL CHEERING)
To right what is wrong.
To restore faith that has long been lost.
And to rise to great heights even beyond my own legend
as a great cocksmith, master pintsman,
and stunningly handsome prince of light in these dark Dark Ages...
True trials await,
and I will greet thee with the hammer of my fist
and the slide of my sword.
As the fog clears, I will follow the voice that guides me.
My love, my heart, my gods.
THADEOUS: The time is now! (THUNDER RUMBLING)
Let us quest!
At long last, I have you firmly in my grasp.
The pesky Prince Fabious.
The little sneak who time and time again
has foiled every one of my plots.
Who has slain every one of my beasts.
Who has bested me without fail until now.
Do what you will to me. But unhand my love.
Let Belladonna go!
Cast your glance heavenward
and know that when the ceiling parts, and the moons align,
I will be entering your love.
Sacrilege! You wretched wizard.
My mothers have already moistened Belladonna for foreplay.
You'll excuse me if I take my leave.
I shall kill you!
Julie, Julie, get me out of here.
Leezar has a hold of your mind.
He has allowed me to get even with you.
For too long you and your family
have treated me like an employee.
Yeah, you were my slave.
Yes, well not any more.
Boremont, my comrade.
Please, get me out of here.
If Leezar wins tonight, the entire world will tumble into darkness.
My heart has soured on this world long ago.
Perhaps a regime change is just what it's needed.
Boremont, you gave your hand for me. Now you're taking my heart.
We used to have fucking picnics together.
Remember when we crossed swords and touched tips?
Do you remember?
Look at me, Boremont!
Don't do this.
Anyway, so that you don't feel like
you're missing out on any of the fun,
let me introduce you to my friend, Timotay.
As Leezar enters Belladonna,
he will lower you onto that spike,
thereby giving you a good poking as well.
Belladonna, I love you!
(SQUAWKING)
All right.
Well, seeing that I did the bulk of the work in the labyrinth,
perhaps it's one of your turns to lead the way now.
Step back, new friends. I'll lead the way.
For tonight, evil has met its match.
Fantastic! Thank you again for coming.
ALL: Oh!
(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)
God.
Wow, right out of the gate.
We should proceed with a bit more caution.
BELLADONNA: Let go of me!
You foul witches! I hate you all. (MOTHERS LAUGHING)
Stop laughing.
Silence!
BELLADONNA: Let me go!
I shall be unable to have sex with her with all that shrieking.
MOTHER 1: If it's obedience that you want,
we will put her under a spell.
(MOTHERS LAUGHING EVILLY)
MOTHER 2: She will surrender.
Obey.
(GROANING)
(MOTHERS LAUGHING EVILLY)
Let it begin.
(GRUNTING)
(GROANING)
THADEOUS: The winch, Courtney.
Brother! What are you doing here?
We came to rescue you.
FABIOUS: You did?
Yes! Are you surprised?
Yes!
Courtney, you're still alive! Isabel!
All right. Great.
We haven't much time! Let's get weapons.
Fabious, there's something else I should tell you.
What?
I would never let your true love come to harm.
I present you with the Blade of Unicorn.
Brother, it is beautiful.
And Your Highness, please forgive my deception.
Our two quests now work as one.
Nice.
We're in this together, sir.
Yes.
(SQUAWKING EXCITEDLY)
FABIOUS: Simon!
(CHUCKLES)
Now mine eyes have seen it all.
'Tis only a truce. Courtney had him restored.
He manipulated me into friendship
by tugging at my heartstrings.
(CHITTERING)
FABIOUS: Right.
What's he saying?
It seems the way is more treacherous than I thought.
I cannot ask you to come with me.
I know you do not expect much from me, Fabious.
But I will stand with you on this night.
Is this the same brother that would not be my best man?
I did not deserve to be your best man.
You do now.
We can finish this whenever you maidens are ready.
BOTH: Ready!
(YELLING)
The time is nigh!
The moons are about to align.
(GROANS)
(SHUSHING)
Intruders!
Prepare to be fist-fucked by two brothers at once.
(ALL EXCLAIM)
You're too late! The fuckening has begun.
Get him!
(YELLING)
You shit!
Kill them!
(YELLING)
(GROANS)
(GRUNTING)
(GROWLING DEMONICALLY)
Why is she making these noises?
(GROANS)
Courtney! (YELLING)
(GROANING)
(LAUGHS)
FABIOUS: Boremont!
Bastard!
(YELLS)
Thadeous!
LEEZAR: I'm not Stiffening!
I'm just not attracted to you.
(IN DEMONIC VOICE) Fuck me!
(YELLS) (SCREECHING)
BELLADONNA: Love me!
(SCREAMING)
THADEOUS: Adiós, motherfucker!
Teamwork!
(WHIMPERS)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(BOTH GROANING)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(SCREAMING)
(GROANS)
God, I never wanted it to end like this, old friend.
Master Fabious.
I loved you!
I loved you, too, Boremont.
As only a knight can love a knight.
No.
I loved you
as a man loves another man.
Oh.
(DEMONIC LAUGHTER)
Jumping!
(GRUNTING)
Quick! We must hurry!
What? No, no, don't suck that! That's dead!
(GRUNTING)
(LIGHTNING STRIKING)
(SQUAWKING)
Next time you want to smash a bloodline of knights,
make sure you kill all of them!
MOTHERS: We did!
You forgot about their sister.
(SHRIEKING)
(DEMONIC SCREECHING)
(EXHALES)
Thadeous! What are you doing here?
I'm trying to rescue you. We must hurry!
Step away from my virgin.
She's my brother's virgin.
If you want to fuck her,
you'll have to fuck me first.
It would be my pleasure.
Stop!
It's over.
Take your last breath with nobility.
(LEEZAR LAUGHS)
You fool.
I cannot be slain by mortal blade.
One must possess the powerful...
I know.
Blade of Unicorn.
It's not possible.
(GROANING)
(LAUGHS)
My love.
Think I'm beginning to like the feel
of blood and filth upon these fingers.
Perhaps I will never bathe again.
Unless, of course, there were a bitch
brave enough to bathe beside me.
You fought with honor.
Why don't you treat yourself and take rest at our castle?
We've all the slaves, pickles and servants one could ever desire.
We have dancing bears, Orientals
and all the berries you care to pick.
I wish I could, but I never rest.
There's yet another quest that calls me to the Western Marshes.
I must surprise a band of thieves
and burn them alive one by one in a symphony of shrieks.
I will not forget you, Prince.
Nor will I.
Here. To remember me. Oh.
I don't want that thing touching me.
Say hello. Ooh.
No.
I fucking killed this dick. Take it.
No, it's yours.
I cannot accept another warrior's trophy.
Courtney, take my dick.
COURTNEY: With pleasure, sir.
Till we meet again.
Is thou all right, Brother?
(WHIMPERING) I love you.
(WHISPERING) I love you, too,
(CROWD CHEERING)
They're cheering for you.
They're cheering for all of us.
Even for me?
Especially you, Brother.
(ALL CHEERING LOUDLY)
(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
(CHIRPING HAPPILY)
I'm proud of you, son.
You saved the entire land.
Not a bad run for a first quest.
Well, I would be remiss to say I did it alone.
Fabious did help where he could.
Hmm. Hmm.
TALLIOUS: I'm sure.
Finally. Alone.
(SIGHS)
Hello, there. Cock-a-doodle-do.
Ah, Isabel.
Brother?
Yes?
Am I interrupting something?
Nothing, I was preparing for bedtime
and just looking at the oils that Father gave me.
Ah! I know what you're doing!
No, you don't. (LAUGHS)
(CLEARING THROAT)
Well, seeing you by yourself at the wedding didn't seem right.
So, I've brought you someone.
Someone I know you've been missing... Isabel?
...And who's been missing you.
I brought you Steven!
Oh.
I went on a mini-quest and I found him for you.
Well, that was
very nice of you, Fabious. Thank you.
I had so much fun on our adventure together.
Yes, I know. You have told me 15 fucking times now.
(LAUGHS)
Well, I'm off to sleep with Belladonna.
I'm a little nervous.
Don't be.
Just swing your cock with the same strength you swing your sword,
and I'm sure all will be fine.
All right. Sweet dreams, Brother.
Sweet dreams.
Steven.
Well, I'm going to put you in the corner now while I strum my filthies.
Come, come, Steven.
Here we go.
Isabel.
I was able to wrap things up in the west quicker than I expected.
I've not been able to stop thinking of you.
What a coincidence. I was just about to finish thinking of you.
Wait. Before we go any further,
there's something I have to show you.
What?
What the hell is that?
It's a Chastity belt
put upon me by an evil witch long ago.
She now roams the snow mountains of Shahmir.
If I can defeat her,
the curse will be broken, the belt will fall free.
So in order for us to make love,
we have to track down an evil and, I'm assuming, dangerous witch?
Exactly.
Hmm.
We would have to do this right now?
If you don't want to join me,
I could just take care of it myself.
No, of course I want to come. We just got home.
I was hoping to have a few hours
of just doing nothing, perhaps just relaxing.
Let's just stay here and snuggle.
Hmm.
No, fuck it. Let's kill that bitch.