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There are many places we could begin
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00:00:54,947 --> 00:00:57,949
the next chapter of
the legend of Ron Burgundy.
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This is one such place.
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00:01:05,207 --> 00:01:07,792
However, we won't begin our tale here.
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No, our story begins in
a place all newsmen dream of.
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In New York City.
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Ron Burgundy!
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That lady's got an ass
like the Loch Ness Monster.
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Thing is mysterious
and ever sought after.
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Ron, aren't you going to
say something to him?
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Hey, when you've got
an ass like the North Star,
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wise men are going to want to follow it.
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It was a time
before cell phones and steroids.
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And for Ron and his now-wife Veronica,
life was good.
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The Tooth Fairy's exposed breast
made the child uncomfortable.
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The bishop wore
buttless chaps to the bat mitzvah.
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Bat mitzvah.
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The garden gnome
had a normal-size penis.
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Corningstone. Corningstone.
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Oh, no! Oh, no!
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They're coming in
through the back door!
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Oh, no!
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Oh, no!
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Grab the children! Save the children!
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Five, four...
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- Have a great broadcast.
- You, too, darling.
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Good evening.
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This is the weekend edition of
WBC News at 6:30.
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I'm Ron Burgundy.
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And I'm Veronica Corningstone.
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Our top story tonight.
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The U.N. Today announced
sanctions against...
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When the broadcast is over,
send these two up to my office.
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Time to make a change.
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Rumor has it that
after 35 years of manning the helm,
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00:03:01,156 --> 00:03:03,949
Mack Tannen
is thinking about stepping down.
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Thaťs right.
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Do you think we could be getting
the Nightly News, Ron?
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I think thaťs exactly
whaťs about to happen.
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00:03:13,877 --> 00:03:15,795
Oh, my God.
Thaťs whaťs happening, isn't it?
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- I'm hyperventilating.
- Yes, I see that.
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Look at me.
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You... Well.
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I'm laughing like
a ventriloquisťs dummy.
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You are.
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Leťs stop that before we get in there.
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Don't do that in there, darling.
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00:03:31,395 --> 00:03:35,080
Mr. Tannen, you are an inspiration, sir.
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I've been doing the evening news now
for over 35 years.
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- Done a hell of a job.
- Yes, sir.
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A hell of a job!
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I've gone through four wives.
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I have six or seven kids that I haven't
got the time to tell I love them.
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To be honest, they sound a little needy.
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And I killed four men in Okinawa.
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W.W. Two.
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And that was two weeks ago.
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The point is,
this is a very demanding job.
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Yes.
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00:04:06,972 --> 00:04:12,451
But I'm close to thinking that
you may have what it takes.
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Now, let me look at you.
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Oh, my God.
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Would it be wrong
to say you smell terrific?
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00:04:22,821 --> 00:04:25,030
- Ron, please!
- Okay.
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00:04:25,031 --> 00:04:27,215
What are you?
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00:04:27,701 --> 00:04:29,384
Finnish?
67
00:04:30,537 --> 00:04:34,665
Oddly enough,
I'm 100% full-blown Mexican.
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From the state of Oaxaca.
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00:04:36,710 --> 00:04:39,644
No, you're not, honey.
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Hello, sir.
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My heart is racing.
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I just have to say,
this is super creepy and unorthodox.
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00:04:53,477 --> 00:04:56,244
You like-a da merchandise, huh?
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00:04:57,814 --> 00:04:59,581
Sorry.
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All right.
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00:05:04,988 --> 00:05:09,533
We're about to make
network news history.
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00:05:09,534 --> 00:05:11,994
- Veronica.
- Yes?
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You're going to be the first
female full-time network news anchor.
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- Oh, my goodness!
- I knew it.
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And you, Mr. Burgundy...
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00:05:21,880 --> 00:05:24,590
I'm going to be
the first lactose intolerant anchor.
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- Mr. Burgundy.
- Yes?
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00:05:26,885 --> 00:05:28,594
You're fired.
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00:05:28,595 --> 00:05:30,304
Come again?
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Fired.
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00:05:32,015 --> 00:05:36,326
You are the worst anchorman
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00:05:36,603 --> 00:05:38,829
I have ever seen.
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00:05:38,939 --> 00:05:41,941
But what did I do wrong?
Name one thing.
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00:05:41,942 --> 00:05:46,294
Korean soldiers
were fired upon in the DMZ!
90
00:05:46,488 --> 00:05:48,072
Jeez, I am so sorry.
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00:05:48,073 --> 00:05:50,699
Someone put the story
in all capital letters,
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and I thought I was supposed to yell it.
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00:05:53,328 --> 00:05:56,664
President Parter... Shit!
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00:05:56,665 --> 00:06:01,043
I mean, President Carter
will speak at the summit Tuesday.
95
00:06:01,044 --> 00:06:02,795
Tony, did I just curse?
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00:06:02,796 --> 00:06:04,922
Are you kidding me? Shit!
97
00:06:04,923 --> 00:06:08,316
I mean... Shit. Shoot!
98
00:06:08,593 --> 00:06:11,987
The slain Civil Rights leader
was eulogized...
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00:06:12,639 --> 00:06:16,475
Did you see that? Right on the lens!
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00:06:16,476 --> 00:06:17,810
Folks, I'm sorry.
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00:06:17,811 --> 00:06:20,646
I hold myself to
a high professional standard
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and you shouldn't hear that language,
okay?
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00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:26,318
I'm having a shitty day. Fuck-stick!
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00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:29,280
Now, I know this is tricky,
given your relationship,
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00:06:29,281 --> 00:06:31,949
so I'm going to
give you the evening to think about it.
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I forbid it!
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00:06:33,326 --> 00:06:37,538
You forbid it?
What? Who are you? Julius Caesar?
108
00:06:37,539 --> 00:06:39,248
Who the hell is Julius Caesar?
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00:06:39,249 --> 00:06:41,333
You know I don't follow the NBA.
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00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:43,627
Look, I am so sorry
that this happened, Ron,
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but you and I,
we're partners, sweetheart.
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And when something good
happens to me, it also happens to you.
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Thaťs ridiculous!
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It clearly just happened to you!
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You... Be quiet.
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Mom?
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I'm sorry, Mr. And Mrs. Burgundy.
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He no go to sleep.
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Damn it, Lupita,
what have you been doing up there?
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00:07:02,314 --> 00:07:03,647
Eating nachos?
121
00:07:03,648 --> 00:07:07,151
Mommy? Daddy?
Why are you yelling at each other?
122
00:07:07,152 --> 00:07:09,486
Did Mom touch Daďs hair again?
123
00:07:09,487 --> 00:07:12,239
Walter, honey,
why don't you just go to bed, all right?
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00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:14,575
Mommy and Daddy
are just having a discussion.
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No! He needs to hear this.
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He's six years old. He's a man.
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00:07:18,913 --> 00:07:20,831
Walter, listen to me.
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Life isn't a fairy tale.
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It's not a bunch of
jumping rope and grabbing ass.
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It's complicated.
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00:07:27,339 --> 00:07:28,505
What do you want to do with your life?
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00:07:28,506 --> 00:07:29,882
What do you want to be
when you grow up?
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00:07:29,883 --> 00:07:32,426
I want to be an astronaut or a cowboy!
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00:07:32,427 --> 00:07:34,678
You're never going to be
any of those, okay?
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00:07:34,679 --> 00:07:35,804
Ron!
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00:07:35,805 --> 00:07:37,890
You've got to set the bar a lot lower.
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00:07:37,891 --> 00:07:40,726
Service industry.
Fry cook. Prison guard.
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00:07:40,727 --> 00:07:43,687
Maybe you're
a lighting guy at a porn shoot.
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00:07:43,688 --> 00:07:48,567
Which basically means you hold up
a flashlight while adults do things.
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00:07:48,568 --> 00:07:50,027
He is a child, Ron!
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00:07:50,028 --> 00:07:52,738
Nah, nah, nah!
He's got hair on his nugs.
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00:07:52,739 --> 00:07:54,406
He's old enough to hear this.
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Your father is a wise man.
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I will lock you in a closet!
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00:07:58,119 --> 00:08:01,263
Veronica, here's the bottom line.
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Iťs a very simple decision.
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00:08:04,751 --> 00:08:08,754
Iťs either me or the job.
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00:08:08,755 --> 00:08:11,924
It doesn't have to be a choice, Ron.
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00:08:11,925 --> 00:08:13,592
Don't do this.
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00:08:13,593 --> 00:08:18,154
Don't throw away everything that
we've worked so hard for.
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00:08:18,223 --> 00:08:20,115
Me...
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00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:22,492
...or the job.
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Hello, and welcome to
the 3:10 Dolphin Show at SeaWorld.
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00:08:40,787 --> 00:08:43,205
Sponsored by British Petroleum.
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00:08:43,206 --> 00:08:45,749
B.P. Oil, nature's best friend.
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00:08:45,750 --> 00:08:49,211
And now, here's your host,
Ron Burgundy.
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00:08:49,212 --> 00:08:51,588
Good afternoon, everyone.
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00:08:51,589 --> 00:08:54,633
And welcome to
world-famous SeaWorld,
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00:08:54,634 --> 00:08:57,761
here in San Diago, California.
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Here's a fun fact, dolphins aren't fish.
They're mammals.
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00:09:02,809 --> 00:09:05,310
Here's another fun fact,
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00:09:05,311 --> 00:09:11,708
I haven't felt the loving embrace of
a human being in over three months.
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00:09:14,946 --> 00:09:18,923
I'm so lonely
I paid a hobo to spoon with me.
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Leťs bring out
our world-class trainers here,
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Jesse and Paula.
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00:09:26,374 --> 00:09:28,876
Thank you. Thank you, Ron.
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Sometimes I try to kiss 'em.
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00:09:32,839 --> 00:09:34,715
Ron Burgundy, everyone.
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00:09:34,716 --> 00:09:35,883
- I want to kiss you.
- No.
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00:09:35,884 --> 00:09:37,384
- Or I'll kiss your friend.
- No.
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00:09:37,385 --> 00:09:39,344
How about
the two trainers kiss each other?
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00:09:39,345 --> 00:09:41,054
What do you say?
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00:09:41,055 --> 00:09:46,685
So, leťs say hello to the stars
of the show, Chippy and Roo-roo!
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00:09:46,686 --> 00:09:48,103
For your information,
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00:09:48,104 --> 00:09:52,082
Chippy was rehabilitated
and Roo-roo is an asshole.
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00:09:53,193 --> 00:09:55,611
Look, they're swimming
and doing tricks!
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00:09:55,612 --> 00:09:58,004
Folks, what do you expect?
They're dolphins.
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00:09:59,240 --> 00:10:00,699
What did you say?
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00:10:00,700 --> 00:10:02,659
Look at you, with that permanent smile.
180
00:10:02,660 --> 00:10:04,870
You think you're so smart,
with your secret language.
181
00:10:04,871 --> 00:10:07,222
You just fart out of the top of your head.
182
00:10:08,208 --> 00:10:11,293
You're a punk, Ron Burgundy!
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00:10:11,294 --> 00:10:14,630
Children and animals hate you,
Ron Burgundy!
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00:10:14,631 --> 00:10:17,341
I would eat dolphins if it was legal!
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00:10:17,342 --> 00:10:20,402
Unhand me, you buffoons!
186
00:10:21,429 --> 00:10:24,431
All right, first,
you threw up in the shark tank.
187
00:10:24,432 --> 00:10:26,850
Then you fed the seals a chicken gyro?
188
00:10:26,851 --> 00:10:28,352
And now this?
189
00:10:28,353 --> 00:10:30,729
You're fired, you washed-up drunk!
190
00:10:30,730 --> 00:10:32,439
Guess what, Trevor?
191
00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:34,358
Every morning
I get here a half hour early
192
00:10:34,359 --> 00:10:37,585
and I sexually assault a starfish!
193
00:10:38,530 --> 00:10:42,006
This is the end of the road.
I'm not turning back.
194
00:10:43,117 --> 00:10:45,035
Well, I know iťs not a pretty sight.
195
00:10:45,036 --> 00:10:47,116
And you're gonna be the sole witness.
196
00:10:47,121 --> 00:10:50,306
If you can't handle it,
you leave the room.
197
00:10:50,583 --> 00:10:53,268
Iťs too late, Baxter.
198
00:10:54,254 --> 00:10:56,547
I'm going the way of the ancient samurai
199
00:10:56,548 --> 00:11:00,984
who, when dishonored, would hang
themselves from a fluorescent light.
200
00:11:01,719 --> 00:11:05,196
Goodbye, my sweet hairy prince.
201
00:11:10,395 --> 00:11:13,163
Sweet cream on nipples!
202
00:11:13,398 --> 00:11:15,065
Mr. Burgundy? Hello, I...
203
00:11:15,066 --> 00:11:17,818
Oh, my God!
204
00:11:17,819 --> 00:11:20,253
What the hell happened?
205
00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:24,283
I tried to hang myself?
206
00:11:24,284 --> 00:11:26,451
Because my life's a mess?
207
00:11:26,452 --> 00:11:28,537
And I saw no other option?
208
00:11:28,538 --> 00:11:32,583
I think you're telling the truth, but why
are you saying it like you're lying?
209
00:11:32,584 --> 00:11:34,418
It was a call for help?
210
00:11:34,419 --> 00:11:38,271
But it didn't work because I'm too heavy
and the ceiling lamp broke?
211
00:11:38,381 --> 00:11:40,090
Something like that?
212
00:11:40,091 --> 00:11:42,968
Yeah, I think you're telling the truth.
213
00:11:42,969 --> 00:11:45,653
I am. Thaťs what happened.
214
00:11:46,431 --> 00:11:49,683
These are first-rate flapjacks.
215
00:11:49,684 --> 00:11:54,354
I'm telling you, suicide makes you
hungry, I don't care what anyone says.
216
00:11:54,355 --> 00:11:59,318
My name is Freddie Shapp, and I'm
a producer of a new kind of news.
217
00:11:59,319 --> 00:12:01,778
We're starting a 24-hour news channel.
218
00:12:01,779 --> 00:12:03,238
First of its kind!
219
00:12:03,239 --> 00:12:06,633
GNN. The Global News Network.
220
00:12:08,786 --> 00:12:13,081
That is without a doubt
the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
221
00:12:13,082 --> 00:12:16,418
You mean news
going 24 hours around the clock?
222
00:12:16,419 --> 00:12:18,879
A channel thaťs never off,
in other words?
223
00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:22,674
Yeah. Yeah. Just 24 hours. Iťs...
224
00:12:22,675 --> 00:12:26,386
No offense,
but you are a stupid asshole.
225
00:12:26,387 --> 00:12:29,973
Mr. Burgundy,
I assure you we are 100% for real.
226
00:12:29,974 --> 00:12:32,643
We've got state-of-the-art facilities
in Manhattan.
227
00:12:32,644 --> 00:12:37,022
And Kench Allenby, multi-millionaire
and owner of Koala Airlines.
228
00:12:37,023 --> 00:12:39,524
So glad he was acquitted of murder.
229
00:12:39,525 --> 00:12:41,652
I'm a big Kench Allenby guy.
230
00:12:41,653 --> 00:12:44,821
He's funding the whole network.
He believes in it.
231
00:12:44,822 --> 00:12:46,907
I don't think you understand, Freddie.
232
00:12:46,908 --> 00:12:53,179
My hero, Mack Tannen, told me I was
the worst journalist he'd ever seen.
233
00:12:53,915 --> 00:12:55,958
I'm not good enough.
234
00:12:55,959 --> 00:12:57,167
Here.
235
00:12:57,168 --> 00:13:00,144
This is your first week's salary.
236
00:13:01,839 --> 00:13:04,800
By the hymen of Olivia Newton-John!
237
00:13:04,801 --> 00:13:06,943
What do you say, Ron?
238
00:13:08,179 --> 00:13:10,514
I'll take the job.
239
00:13:10,515 --> 00:13:14,393
And I swear I'll be number one again.
240
00:13:14,394 --> 00:13:18,438
I'll take back my son,
restore my reputation,
241
00:13:18,439 --> 00:13:20,691
and make everything right
with Veronica.
242
00:13:20,692 --> 00:13:22,484
But more importantly,
243
00:13:22,485 --> 00:13:27,072
I'm going to do what God
put Ron Burgundy on this Earth to do.
244
00:13:27,073 --> 00:13:30,534
Have salon-quality hair
and read the news.
245
00:13:30,535 --> 00:13:33,870
Ron... You've made my day.
246
00:13:33,871 --> 00:13:36,540
I've got the best damn
news team in the world.
247
00:13:36,541 --> 00:13:40,018
- Your call.
- I just have to find them.
248
00:13:47,927 --> 00:13:51,763
San Diago. Looks like
we begin our search right here at home.
249
00:13:51,764 --> 00:13:55,892
Last I heard, Champ Kind was fired
for being drunk on the air and saying,
250
00:13:55,893 --> 00:14:00,330
"The only Olympic sport Filipinos
are good at is eating cats and dogs."
251
00:14:03,067 --> 00:14:05,402
- Who loves chicken? You do!
- We do!
252
00:14:05,403 --> 00:14:07,821
Delicious chicken
Swing on through
253
00:14:07,822 --> 00:14:10,073
Meet the crew!
254
00:14:10,074 --> 00:14:14,202
I'm local San Diego legend Champ Kind,
and I believe in two things.
255
00:14:14,203 --> 00:14:15,245
Good chicken,
256
00:14:15,246 --> 00:14:19,458
and that the census is a way for
the U.N. To make your children gay.
257
00:14:19,459 --> 00:14:21,585
So come on by and grab a wing.
258
00:14:21,586 --> 00:14:24,880
'Cause when you do,
you'll say, "Whammy!"
259
00:14:24,881 --> 00:14:26,840
No Catholics or Jews admitted.
260
00:14:26,841 --> 00:14:28,133
All right, there you go.
261
00:14:28,134 --> 00:14:31,136
One Whammy Special
with Whammy slaw.
262
00:14:31,137 --> 00:14:34,097
There's a used Band-Aid
in my coleslaw.
263
00:14:34,098 --> 00:14:36,183
My gosh, let me take care of that.
264
00:14:36,184 --> 00:14:39,644
Get out of here before I smash
your head in, you Commie bastard!
265
00:14:39,645 --> 00:14:42,872
If you're from the census,
you take me off your list!
266
00:14:43,483 --> 00:14:46,234
You never did have much
of a bedside manner, Champ.
267
00:14:46,235 --> 00:14:48,278
Ron? Ron Burgundy?
268
00:14:48,279 --> 00:14:50,530
- Get over here!
- How are you, friend?
269
00:14:50,531 --> 00:14:53,033
God, I have longed for you.
270
00:14:53,034 --> 00:14:54,451
Iťs good to see you, too.
271
00:14:54,452 --> 00:14:56,552
This feels like home.
272
00:14:56,621 --> 00:14:57,788
Are you all right?
273
00:14:57,789 --> 00:14:59,956
Yeah, I'm fine. Better now.
274
00:14:59,957 --> 00:15:03,267
Okay, leťs break the huddle here, huh?
275
00:15:03,586 --> 00:15:05,170
- Okay. All right.
- All right.
276
00:15:05,171 --> 00:15:07,047
You get back here!
277
00:15:07,048 --> 00:15:08,757
Don't be weird!
278
00:15:08,758 --> 00:15:11,093
So, anyway,
Harken sat me down, he said,
279
00:15:11,094 --> 00:15:14,179
"Champ, you're a dangerous alcoholic,
a racist,
280
00:15:14,180 --> 00:15:16,848
"and I don't think
you know a lick about sports."
281
00:15:16,849 --> 00:15:20,602
And I said, "Ed, you dirty Polack,
iťs 10:00 in the morning.
282
00:15:20,603 --> 00:15:21,978
"Leťs go have some drinks
283
00:15:21,979 --> 00:15:25,148
"and go to a baseball game where
the Mexicans hit some touchdowns."
284
00:15:25,149 --> 00:15:26,274
Then he fires me!
285
00:15:26,275 --> 00:15:30,612
Fortunately, on the way out the door,
I fake a work injury.
286
00:15:30,613 --> 00:15:32,614
With the settlement, I bought this place.
287
00:15:32,615 --> 00:15:35,425
Well, I'm glad to see
you landed on your feet, Champ.
288
00:15:35,785 --> 00:15:37,744
Listen, can I ask you a question?
289
00:15:37,745 --> 00:15:39,579
Sure. Anything.
290
00:15:39,580 --> 00:15:41,164
Is this chicken?
291
00:15:41,165 --> 00:15:43,333
Hell, no.
292
00:15:43,334 --> 00:15:46,920
Iťs really impossible to turn a profit
if you serve real chicken.
293
00:15:46,921 --> 00:15:48,964
Yeah. We use mainly bats.
294
00:15:48,965 --> 00:15:50,048
- What?
- Yeah.
295
00:15:50,049 --> 00:15:52,342
But the good quality kind.
296
00:15:52,343 --> 00:15:54,344
Thaťs the most horrible thing
I've ever heard.
297
00:15:54,345 --> 00:15:55,387
Yeah?
298
00:15:55,388 --> 00:15:57,430
You got to do what you got to do, right?
299
00:15:57,431 --> 00:15:59,641
So what you got to do
is serve fried bats?
300
00:15:59,642 --> 00:16:02,519
Yep. Do you know what they call bats?
301
00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:04,855
- Bats.
- "Chicken of the Cave."
302
00:16:04,856 --> 00:16:06,898
No one calls them Chicken of the Cave.
303
00:16:06,899 --> 00:16:08,692
Who's "they," by the way?
304
00:16:08,693 --> 00:16:12,863
There's a guy I met named Paco,
sells bikers speed at the pier.
305
00:16:12,864 --> 00:16:15,574
So that guy calls them
Chicken of the Cave.
306
00:16:15,575 --> 00:16:16,658
Yeah.
307
00:16:16,659 --> 00:16:18,034
Thaťs not "they."
308
00:16:18,035 --> 00:16:20,370
Why don't you have a bite
and stop judging it?
309
00:16:20,371 --> 00:16:22,164
I'm not going to bite into a fried bat.
310
00:16:22,165 --> 00:16:23,290
Iťs delicious.
311
00:16:23,291 --> 00:16:25,641
Iťs all tendon. Look at it.
312
00:16:27,962 --> 00:16:29,546
Was that a bat?
313
00:16:29,547 --> 00:16:31,631
Chicken of the Cave.
314
00:16:31,632 --> 00:16:33,341
What brings you here, Ron?
315
00:16:33,342 --> 00:16:36,928
My friend, we've got a job.
In New York City.
316
00:16:36,929 --> 00:16:38,722
Whammy! I'm in!
317
00:16:38,723 --> 00:16:40,140
You've got yourself a sportscaster.
318
00:16:40,141 --> 00:16:41,224
Great.
319
00:16:41,225 --> 00:16:42,992
Denny!
320
00:16:43,895 --> 00:16:45,520
Lock up!
321
00:16:45,521 --> 00:16:47,189
Any idea where Brian Fantana is?
322
00:16:47,190 --> 00:16:48,732
You haven't heard?
323
00:16:48,733 --> 00:16:50,859
Fantana hit the big time.
324
00:16:50,860 --> 00:16:53,461
Baby.
325
00:16:53,821 --> 00:16:57,532
Yeah, thaťs it, play for me.
Just play around.
326
00:16:57,533 --> 00:17:00,760
Roll around and lift those legs up.
327
00:17:01,037 --> 00:17:03,805
You are a hairy little thing, aren't you?
328
00:17:04,540 --> 00:17:07,918
Yeah. I like whaťs happening!
329
00:17:07,919 --> 00:17:10,670
Thaťs it. Yeah. Yeah.
330
00:17:10,671 --> 00:17:13,648
You little fuzzball, thaťs...
331
00:17:15,718 --> 00:17:17,318
I got it.
332
00:17:17,803 --> 00:17:20,889
It's not getting any better than that.
333
00:17:20,890 --> 00:17:22,474
- Thaťs brilliant!
- Yeah, yeah.
334
00:17:22,475 --> 00:17:25,368
Hey, Brian,
you have any time for the little people?
335
00:17:28,105 --> 00:17:31,082
Well, I'll be a son of a bitch.
336
00:17:33,694 --> 00:17:36,404
- Hey, Brian.
- Champ! How you doing?
337
00:17:36,405 --> 00:17:37,572
Hey!
338
00:17:37,573 --> 00:17:39,074
- This is a...
- Cool it!
339
00:17:39,075 --> 00:17:40,659
I can't believe...
340
00:17:40,660 --> 00:17:42,327
It's great to see you!
341
00:17:42,328 --> 00:17:45,205
Welcome. Welcome to my doj'.
342
00:17:45,206 --> 00:17:46,915
This place is spectacular!
343
00:17:46,916 --> 00:17:48,208
- It's amazing.
- A bit chaotic today.
344
00:17:48,209 --> 00:17:51,795
We got the Cat Fancy cover coming out.
You know how that can be.
345
00:17:51,796 --> 00:17:53,546
I've been living in a tent
for the last two years.
346
00:17:53,547 --> 00:17:55,090
Yeah, this is not that.
347
00:17:55,091 --> 00:17:56,675
We got a sauna in the kitchen.
348
00:17:56,676 --> 00:18:00,095
A lot of people think thaťs weird,
but I keep wine in it.
349
00:18:00,096 --> 00:18:02,722
I'm not a wine guy,
but I know you got to keep it hot.
350
00:18:02,723 --> 00:18:04,724
And check this out.
351
00:18:04,725 --> 00:18:06,559
This was fun.
352
00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:09,287
We shot this over two weeks in Prague.
353
00:18:09,438 --> 00:18:12,023
You know what they call cats?
354
00:18:12,024 --> 00:18:14,609
- Chicken of the rail yard.
- No.
355
00:18:14,610 --> 00:18:16,486
- What?
- Don't indulge him.
356
00:18:16,487 --> 00:18:18,154
- Yeah.
- There's a lot of meat.
357
00:18:18,155 --> 00:18:19,656
But I love it.
358
00:18:19,657 --> 00:18:22,659
And whaťs so great about it
is iťs so damn true.
359
00:18:22,660 --> 00:18:23,994
I hate Mondays!
360
00:18:23,995 --> 00:18:25,954
I'm not a Monday guy.
361
00:18:25,955 --> 00:18:27,789
Ron hates Mondays.
362
00:18:27,790 --> 00:18:29,874
Hell, I'm not crazy about them, either.
363
00:18:29,875 --> 00:18:32,685
I also don't like Tuesdays,
Wednesdays or Thursdays.
364
00:18:33,796 --> 00:18:35,672
So why are you guys here, anyway?
365
00:18:35,673 --> 00:18:39,676
Well, Brian, we're getting
the news team back together again.
366
00:18:39,677 --> 00:18:40,719
Really?
367
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:43,013
And, of course,
we want to know if you'll join us.
368
00:18:43,014 --> 00:18:44,556
Jeez, I don't know.
369
00:18:44,557 --> 00:18:47,142
I kind of got the world by the tail here.
370
00:18:47,143 --> 00:18:48,810
I don't know if I can.
371
00:18:48,811 --> 00:18:49,978
Christ, I get it.
372
00:18:49,979 --> 00:18:52,063
I mean, you're the Quincy Jones
of cat photographers.
373
00:18:52,064 --> 00:18:53,523
Why would you leave all this?
374
00:18:53,524 --> 00:18:58,377
Hey, Brian, I don't know if you heard,
but New York has all-nude strip clubs.
375
00:19:00,531 --> 00:19:02,991
The question still remains...
376
00:19:02,992 --> 00:19:05,134
Where's Brick Tamland?
377
00:19:05,870 --> 00:19:07,537
You guys didn't hear?
378
00:19:07,538 --> 00:19:09,080
No, what happened?
379
00:19:09,081 --> 00:19:10,723
Brick's...
380
00:19:11,751 --> 00:19:13,684
Dead.
381
00:19:21,635 --> 00:19:24,345
Brick was lost at sea about a year ago.
382
00:19:24,346 --> 00:19:27,223
Thought he saw a bird
and he swam out to pet it.
383
00:19:27,224 --> 00:19:28,767
He never came back.
384
00:19:28,768 --> 00:19:31,269
We all loved Brick,
385
00:19:31,270 --> 00:19:33,855
even though he never had
a phone number,
386
00:19:33,856 --> 00:19:37,275
or address or Social Security number.
387
00:19:37,276 --> 00:19:40,987
In six years of working at the station,
he never cashed a paycheck.
388
00:19:40,988 --> 00:19:42,197
That sweet Brick.
389
00:19:42,198 --> 00:19:43,615
He was a sensitive man, though.
390
00:19:43,616 --> 00:19:48,953
He told me he wanted to donate
his organs to science before he died,
391
00:19:48,954 --> 00:19:51,998
so he could see where they ended up.
392
00:19:51,999 --> 00:19:56,352
He'll long be remembered
and he'll be sorely missed.
393
00:20:00,674 --> 00:20:03,067
Thank you, Reverend.
394
00:20:03,886 --> 00:20:05,569
Come on!
395
00:20:05,805 --> 00:20:07,347
- Brick was a great man.
- Really?
396
00:20:07,348 --> 00:20:09,015
And I will miss him so much.
397
00:20:09,016 --> 00:20:11,684
And I will not rest until
I find his killer.
398
00:20:11,685 --> 00:20:13,144
- What?
- His killer?
399
00:20:13,145 --> 00:20:16,606
It is hard for me
to believe that he is gone.
400
00:20:16,607 --> 00:20:18,775
He's not gone.
401
00:20:18,776 --> 00:20:21,736
I feel that I just saw him yesterday.
402
00:20:21,737 --> 00:20:23,780
You were probably
talking to yourself in a mirror.
403
00:20:23,781 --> 00:20:27,117
When I got the news...
404
00:20:27,118 --> 00:20:30,370
I didn't even know
how to make sense out of it!
405
00:20:30,371 --> 00:20:31,830
None of us understand!
406
00:20:31,831 --> 00:20:34,124
Why? Why?
407
00:20:34,125 --> 00:20:36,167
Why did you take him from us?
408
00:20:36,168 --> 00:20:38,753
You're clearly standing in front of us,
Brick.
409
00:20:38,754 --> 00:20:40,255
God damn you!
410
00:20:40,256 --> 00:20:42,257
- Brick!
- Brick is dead!
411
00:20:42,258 --> 00:20:44,134
- No, Brick's alive.
- Brick is dead!
412
00:20:44,135 --> 00:20:45,552
- Look at him!
- He's not dead.
413
00:20:45,553 --> 00:20:46,845
He's not dead, Brick. You're not dead.
414
00:20:46,846 --> 00:20:48,388
- You're Brick!
- Brick, iťs you!
415
00:20:48,389 --> 00:20:49,764
He's dead!
416
00:20:49,765 --> 00:20:50,849
No!
417
00:20:50,850 --> 00:20:53,184
You are Brick! Touch yourself.
418
00:20:53,185 --> 00:20:55,812
- I am Brick?
- Yes!
419
00:20:55,813 --> 00:20:58,414
- I'm alive?
- Yes!
420
00:20:58,440 --> 00:20:59,524
Of course.
421
00:20:59,525 --> 00:21:01,025
Of course you are.
422
00:21:01,026 --> 00:21:02,360
For heaven's sake.
423
00:21:02,361 --> 00:21:05,671
You kind of want to slug him.
You want to slug him.
424
00:21:08,284 --> 00:21:12,078
Do you remember
our Easter trip to San Francisco?
425
00:21:12,079 --> 00:21:15,123
We got so drunk,
we put Brick in a refrigerator box
426
00:21:15,124 --> 00:21:18,517
and threw him off
the Golden Gate Bridge.
427
00:21:18,836 --> 00:21:20,519
I broke my back!
428
00:21:21,547 --> 00:21:23,381
What about the time
that you dared Champ
429
00:21:23,382 --> 00:21:25,758
to drink that beer stein full of Woolite?
430
00:21:25,759 --> 00:21:28,219
He drained it faster than you could say,
"No, don't do it.
431
00:21:28,220 --> 00:21:30,821
"Thaťs the equivalent of
drinking poison."
432
00:21:32,224 --> 00:21:35,560
Oh, Lord, I was in a six-month coma.
433
00:21:35,561 --> 00:21:41,624
And they say from the neurological
damage, there's no way I live past 55!
434
00:21:42,902 --> 00:21:45,069
You got three years left, my friend.
435
00:21:45,070 --> 00:21:47,505
You're gonna die!
436
00:21:49,033 --> 00:21:50,408
Hey, hey, remember?
437
00:21:50,409 --> 00:21:54,662
I was by myself and I had that dream
about the orange tree.
438
00:21:54,663 --> 00:21:58,140
But instead of oranges,
it had babies on it.
439
00:21:58,250 --> 00:22:01,211
It was a baby tree!
440
00:22:01,212 --> 00:22:03,838
Brick, how could we remember?
It's your dream.
441
00:22:03,839 --> 00:22:07,858
I don't know. It's all the same thing.
442
00:22:09,220 --> 00:22:11,137
It's an interesting dream,
443
00:22:11,138 --> 00:22:14,907
but we're telling stories involving
the entire news team from the past.
444
00:22:15,935 --> 00:22:22,206
Or how about the time when I was born
and I came out of the vagina?
445
00:22:22,900 --> 00:22:28,754
I was screaming,
"Here I come! Here I come, Mom!"
446
00:22:29,573 --> 00:22:32,617
First off, Brick, I highly doubt
you remember your own birth.
447
00:22:32,618 --> 00:22:36,053
And, once again, we weren't there.
448
00:22:38,958 --> 00:22:40,625
Ron, I can't...
449
00:22:40,626 --> 00:22:43,294
I can't stop laughing, Ron!
450
00:22:43,295 --> 00:22:45,171
Put a pencil in his mouth.
451
00:22:45,172 --> 00:22:47,006
It's okay.
452
00:22:47,007 --> 00:22:48,341
There you go.
453
00:22:48,342 --> 00:22:50,134
I'm okay now.
454
00:22:50,135 --> 00:22:53,763
Man, this just feels right!
The news team is back!
455
00:22:53,764 --> 00:22:58,576
Ron, Brian, Brick, me, even Baxter!
456
00:22:59,979 --> 00:23:02,788
That old man is so little and hairy!
457
00:23:03,315 --> 00:23:04,649
Hey, Ron, who's driving?
458
00:23:04,650 --> 00:23:07,251
It's okay, iťs on cruise control.
459
00:23:08,988 --> 00:23:11,406
Who wants some chimichangas?
460
00:23:11,407 --> 00:23:14,993
Best thing I ever did was install
this deep fryer in the 'bago.
461
00:23:14,994 --> 00:23:17,620
Ron, why do you have
this bag of bowling balls
462
00:23:17,621 --> 00:23:19,914
and this terrarium filled with scorpions?
463
00:23:19,915 --> 00:23:22,959
- It's a long, crazy story!
- Hey, Ron.
464
00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:26,061
Cruise control just regulates speed,
it doesn't steer.
465
00:23:26,630 --> 00:23:28,647
Come again?
466
00:24:27,316 --> 00:24:30,709
Well, that is gonna
make one hell of a story.
467
00:24:37,618 --> 00:24:40,620
The Big Apple. Ron Burgundy is back.
468
00:24:40,621 --> 00:24:42,705
Why do they call it the Big Apple, Ron?
469
00:24:42,706 --> 00:24:46,308
Because New York has
an apple tree on every street.
470
00:24:48,212 --> 00:24:52,022
Here we are. Welcome to GNN.
471
00:24:54,510 --> 00:24:57,220
I don't know, Ron.
You sure about this place?
472
00:24:57,221 --> 00:24:59,639
Guys, I know iťs a bit of a mess,
but trust me,
473
00:24:59,640 --> 00:25:02,642
everything will be ready
for the launch tomorrow.
474
00:25:02,643 --> 00:25:06,646
And we've culled the whole country
for the best newsmen.
475
00:25:06,647 --> 00:25:08,398
There's Curtis Knightfish from Houston.
476
00:25:08,399 --> 00:25:09,732
Curtis Knightfish.
477
00:25:09,733 --> 00:25:11,567
They don't get any better than that.
478
00:25:11,568 --> 00:25:14,737
And there's Diane Yahwea
from Carson City.
479
00:25:14,738 --> 00:25:17,323
Diane Yahwea.
You know what they call her, right?
480
00:25:17,324 --> 00:25:19,117
"All the Way Yahwea."
481
00:25:19,118 --> 00:25:20,535
She's my aunt.
482
00:25:20,536 --> 00:25:22,745
And the best in the biz.
483
00:25:22,746 --> 00:25:25,415
Jack Lime, out of Chicago.
484
00:25:25,416 --> 00:25:29,544
Rumor is Allenby
is giving him one mil a year.
485
00:25:29,545 --> 00:25:32,312
Thaťs crazy.
Who's worth that kind of money?
486
00:25:33,424 --> 00:25:37,135
Oh, my God!
He's absolutely magnificent!
487
00:25:37,136 --> 00:25:39,804
I bet his poop smells like sandalwood.
488
00:25:39,805 --> 00:25:41,597
Can I help you, guy?
489
00:25:41,598 --> 00:25:43,099
What was that?
490
00:25:43,100 --> 00:25:45,034
I said, "Can I help you, guy?"
491
00:25:45,936 --> 00:25:46,978
What do you mean?
492
00:25:46,979 --> 00:25:49,480
Well, you're staring at me, hotshot.
493
00:25:49,481 --> 00:25:51,874
Do you want my autograph?
494
00:25:53,318 --> 00:25:57,238
No, he was just explaining
who you were and I was looking at you.
495
00:25:57,239 --> 00:26:01,008
And then he said something
and I was still looking at you.
496
00:26:06,874 --> 00:26:09,767
Jack Lime is a great man!
497
00:26:11,253 --> 00:26:13,373
Is that what I sound like when I talk?
498
00:26:16,717 --> 00:26:18,009
Is there a problem?
499
00:26:18,010 --> 00:26:20,052
No, no, no. No problem.
500
00:26:20,053 --> 00:26:22,472
Well, you're making a face
like you got a problem.
501
00:26:22,473 --> 00:26:24,474
I'm sorry that I'm making that face.
502
00:26:24,475 --> 00:26:27,685
I don't mean to make a face
that seems like I have a problem.
503
00:26:27,686 --> 00:26:29,103
I don't like that face!
504
00:26:29,104 --> 00:26:30,897
You need to change it,
and change it quick.
505
00:26:30,898 --> 00:26:32,315
Stop making that face.
506
00:26:32,316 --> 00:26:34,192
Is this face better?
507
00:26:34,193 --> 00:26:35,318
I don't like...
508
00:26:35,319 --> 00:26:38,613
That new face is driving me crazy!
Change it, now!
509
00:26:38,614 --> 00:26:39,989
You're getting him mad.
510
00:26:39,990 --> 00:26:42,591
I only have so many faces.
511
00:26:42,910 --> 00:26:45,620
I'm just grinding your gears, man.
512
00:26:45,621 --> 00:26:47,497
Welcome to the station!
513
00:26:47,498 --> 00:26:50,724
We're going to have
a good time together.
514
00:26:50,834 --> 00:26:55,087
Oh, my God. Thaťs vintage Jack Lime.
515
00:26:55,088 --> 00:26:56,255
Come on, guys.
516
00:26:56,256 --> 00:26:57,840
Leťs go meet the boss.
517
00:26:57,841 --> 00:27:02,845
We'll have separate cameras for you,
and then sports and then weather.
518
00:27:02,846 --> 00:27:05,181
Let me ask you this, Freddie,
how's the new head honcho?
519
00:27:05,182 --> 00:27:09,185
Well, Linda Jackson
has a shelf full of Emmys.
520
00:27:09,186 --> 00:27:13,523
She's as tough as nails.
And Linda loves to win.
521
00:27:13,524 --> 00:27:15,441
Hey, Linda!
522
00:27:15,442 --> 00:27:18,569
I want to introduce you to Ron Burgundy.
523
00:27:18,570 --> 00:27:21,656
Linda Jackson. How are you, my friend?
524
00:27:21,657 --> 00:27:23,257
Ron.
525
00:27:23,450 --> 00:27:25,676
This is Linda Jackson.
526
00:27:25,702 --> 00:27:27,678
Hello, Mr. Burgundy.
527
00:27:30,415 --> 00:27:32,141
Black.
528
00:27:32,876 --> 00:27:35,435
- Black.
- Jesus, just stop, Ron.
529
00:27:35,587 --> 00:27:39,924
I'm terribly sorry.
I don't know why I can't stop saying...
530
00:27:39,925 --> 00:27:41,884
Black. The word "black."
531
00:27:41,885 --> 00:27:43,594
Hello, Mr. Burgundy.
532
00:27:43,595 --> 00:27:45,555
- Black.
- Stop.
533
00:27:45,556 --> 00:27:46,764
Black.
534
00:27:46,765 --> 00:27:48,532
Stop saying "black."
535
00:27:52,563 --> 00:27:55,565
- Black. If I don't say it, I'll pass out.
- Stop saying it!
536
00:27:55,566 --> 00:27:57,692
Donna, can you please
get me a cup of coffee?
537
00:27:57,693 --> 00:27:59,819
- Right away, Ms. Jackson.
- Thank you.
538
00:27:59,820 --> 00:28:02,238
- Please be seated. Everyone.
- Sure.
539
00:28:02,239 --> 00:28:04,173
Please be seated.
540
00:28:06,034 --> 00:28:10,037
Great. So I know that all of you
are aware that the news community
541
00:28:10,038 --> 00:28:12,748
is laughing at what we're trying to do
here at 24-hour news.
542
00:28:12,749 --> 00:28:14,417
But that is why they brought me in.
543
00:28:14,418 --> 00:28:15,626
She's the best!
544
00:28:15,627 --> 00:28:17,962
You see, gentlemen, I don't lose.
545
00:28:17,963 --> 00:28:20,089
Listen, I feel like I need to
clear the air.
546
00:28:20,090 --> 00:28:21,507
Please don't.
547
00:28:21,508 --> 00:28:23,509
I want to say,
on behalf of the entire news team,
548
00:28:23,510 --> 00:28:28,431
we are huge supporters
of all African and Americans.
549
00:28:28,432 --> 00:28:30,516
Veronica got so tan!
550
00:28:30,517 --> 00:28:33,728
I remember the first
African and American I ever saw.
551
00:28:33,729 --> 00:28:35,605
It's African-American.
552
00:28:35,606 --> 00:28:37,356
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
553
00:28:37,357 --> 00:28:39,942
Absolutely 100% positive? It isn't like...
554
00:28:39,943 --> 00:28:41,193
Ron...
555
00:28:41,194 --> 00:28:42,737
Fish and chips?
556
00:28:42,738 --> 00:28:46,949
Hey, we're all the same on the inside,
stinky and pink.
557
00:28:46,950 --> 00:28:48,034
When I was in high school,
558
00:28:48,035 --> 00:28:50,119
me and my buddies
used to sneak in the girls' locker room.
559
00:28:50,120 --> 00:28:51,621
We'd peek at the girls in the shower,
560
00:28:51,622 --> 00:28:55,291
and I'd look at all of them,
no matter what color they were.
561
00:28:55,292 --> 00:28:56,459
So...
562
00:28:56,460 --> 00:28:59,545
Jesus, this is the worst meeting
I've ever been in.
563
00:28:59,546 --> 00:29:02,089
A black man follows me everywhere
when iťs sunny.
564
00:29:02,090 --> 00:29:04,342
Actually,
I think thaťs your shadow, Brick.
565
00:29:04,343 --> 00:29:05,801
I call him Leon.
566
00:29:05,802 --> 00:29:08,054
And if iťs a cloudy day,
what happens to Leon?
567
00:29:08,055 --> 00:29:09,138
He goes home.
568
00:29:09,139 --> 00:29:10,181
It's your shadow.
569
00:29:10,182 --> 00:29:11,307
He's talking about his shadow.
570
00:29:11,308 --> 00:29:14,451
Shut your damn mouths! Sit down!
571
00:29:16,480 --> 00:29:17,563
Whaťs he doing?
572
00:29:17,564 --> 00:29:20,441
I think you scared him.
You can't shout at Brick.
573
00:29:20,442 --> 00:29:22,360
Is he all right?
574
00:29:22,361 --> 00:29:24,945
Can you sing him
a soothing siren song?
575
00:29:24,946 --> 00:29:26,838
Just a high melodic...
576
00:29:29,117 --> 00:29:31,134
I'm not singing along with you.
577
00:29:31,578 --> 00:29:33,663
Come on, Brick. Brick!
578
00:29:33,664 --> 00:29:36,014
Linda has a balloon.
579
00:29:38,835 --> 00:29:40,503
You better get him a balloon.
580
00:29:40,504 --> 00:29:41,712
Is this for real, Freddie?
581
00:29:41,713 --> 00:29:43,255
Linda, I'm sorry.
582
00:29:43,256 --> 00:29:45,007
No, iťs okay! It's okay.
583
00:29:45,008 --> 00:29:47,301
So you have a black boss,
and iťs freaking you out.
584
00:29:47,302 --> 00:29:48,511
Is it freaking you out?
585
00:29:48,512 --> 00:29:50,596
- A little bit, to be honest.
- You freaked out?
586
00:29:50,597 --> 00:29:52,932
- Is it freaking you out?
- She's got a knife!
587
00:29:52,933 --> 00:29:54,725
I don't give a shit!
588
00:29:54,726 --> 00:29:57,395
We're not all here
to hold hands and sing Kumbaya.
589
00:29:57,396 --> 00:29:58,854
Black.
590
00:29:58,855 --> 00:30:03,234
So as long as you guys get numbers,
we are gonna get along just fine.
591
00:30:03,235 --> 00:30:06,570
Now, if you don't, I am gonna be icy.
592
00:30:06,571 --> 00:30:08,030
And unpleasant, you dig?
593
00:30:08,031 --> 00:30:10,950
I dig. We all dig.
594
00:30:10,951 --> 00:30:12,201
I like to dig.
595
00:30:12,202 --> 00:30:16,080
One time I went digging for treasure
and I found a half a body.
596
00:30:16,081 --> 00:30:17,957
Get out of my office!
597
00:30:17,958 --> 00:30:22,169
I'm telling you, you can't give an inch
in those situations,
598
00:30:22,170 --> 00:30:24,130
and I think
we held our ground pretty firmly.
599
00:30:24,131 --> 00:30:25,381
Guys.
600
00:30:25,382 --> 00:30:28,759
Guys, we got you an apartment
on the Upper East Side
601
00:30:28,760 --> 00:30:30,428
and a whole new wardrobe.
602
00:30:30,429 --> 00:30:33,556
Thaťs wonderful!
When do we begin our broadcast?
603
00:30:33,557 --> 00:30:35,057
Well, the big launch is tomorrow
604
00:30:35,058 --> 00:30:36,725
- at 12:00 noon.
- Okay.
605
00:30:36,726 --> 00:30:40,980
You guys are slotted
for the 2:00 a. M. To 5:00 a. M. Slot.
606
00:30:40,981 --> 00:30:44,525
What? Thaťs the graveyard shift!
607
00:30:44,526 --> 00:30:46,444
"I ain't afraid of no ghost."
608
00:30:46,445 --> 00:30:48,529
Come on, iťs going to be great.
609
00:30:48,530 --> 00:30:51,173
Leťs get your keys. Come on!
610
00:30:52,625 --> 00:30:53,909
Is there booze in the apartment?
611
00:30:53,910 --> 00:30:56,386
Of course there's gonna be booze.
Of course.
612
00:31:18,018 --> 00:31:19,685
It won't stop.
613
00:31:19,686 --> 00:31:23,538
Sometimes it stops,
but then it starts again.
614
00:31:24,900 --> 00:31:28,502
What are you doing, Chani? Answer it!
615
00:31:28,904 --> 00:31:31,755
Hi. Yes, let me transfer you.
616
00:31:31,907 --> 00:31:34,283
Your job is to answer the phones.
617
00:31:34,284 --> 00:31:36,785
I'm getting ready for Secret Santa.
When is that again?
618
00:31:36,786 --> 00:31:40,430
It's at Christmastime.
When else would it be?
619
00:31:43,293 --> 00:31:45,920
I'm Brick. I was dead last week.
620
00:31:45,921 --> 00:31:47,630
I'm Chani.
621
00:31:47,631 --> 00:31:50,925
I like the place between
your head and your body.
622
00:31:50,926 --> 00:31:53,193
I like your hair.
623
00:31:53,970 --> 00:31:56,279
It looks like wet popcorn.
624
00:31:56,306 --> 00:31:57,848
Thank you.
625
00:31:57,849 --> 00:32:00,601
Would you like to see the smile that
I use when I pose for photographs?
626
00:32:00,602 --> 00:32:02,369
Yes, please.
627
00:32:03,104 --> 00:32:06,857
Do you want to see the face I make
when I see a snake made out of candy?
628
00:32:06,858 --> 00:32:08,458
Yes.
629
00:32:11,071 --> 00:32:12,754
Thaťs good.
630
00:32:12,948 --> 00:32:14,990
Whaťs your favorite time of day?
631
00:32:14,991 --> 00:32:16,591
Now.
632
00:32:17,285 --> 00:32:19,161
Whaťs your favorite time of day?
633
00:32:19,162 --> 00:32:21,221
A minute ago.
634
00:33:00,203 --> 00:33:02,454
Surprise! Big daddy's back.
635
00:33:02,455 --> 00:33:04,181
Ron.
636
00:33:05,208 --> 00:33:06,750
What are you doing here?
637
00:33:06,751 --> 00:33:10,004
I'm over at GNN.
I'm living in the city again.
638
00:33:10,005 --> 00:33:12,339
I really wish that
you would have called first.
639
00:33:12,340 --> 00:33:15,050
Look, it doesn't matter
whose fault the break-up was, okay?
640
00:33:15,051 --> 00:33:16,594
I was stubborn.
641
00:33:16,595 --> 00:33:21,307
You were like a mentally ill whore
having PMS from the 1800s.
642
00:33:21,308 --> 00:33:23,309
Whaťs your point, Ron?
643
00:33:23,310 --> 00:33:27,396
The point is I'm back home.
644
00:33:27,397 --> 00:33:29,773
And I want to spend the rest of my life...
645
00:33:29,774 --> 00:33:31,917
Honey, who is it?
646
00:33:37,032 --> 00:33:40,300
Hi, Ron. I'm Gary, Veronica's lover.
647
00:33:48,251 --> 00:33:51,420
So, is that a gift for me, Ron?
648
00:33:51,421 --> 00:33:54,022
No, iťs not.
649
00:33:54,758 --> 00:33:55,966
It's for Walter.
650
00:33:55,967 --> 00:33:57,259
Okay.
651
00:33:57,260 --> 00:33:59,470
So when were you going to
tell me about Gary?
652
00:33:59,471 --> 00:34:01,388
Ron. You walked out on me.
653
00:34:01,389 --> 00:34:04,558
What did you expect me to do?
654
00:34:04,559 --> 00:34:07,811
Ron. This is awkward, I know.
655
00:34:07,812 --> 00:34:11,357
I'm sitting here with your wife.
We make love.
656
00:34:11,358 --> 00:34:14,526
I'm this close to shooting
a flare gun at your dick.
657
00:34:14,527 --> 00:34:15,944
Ron!
658
00:34:15,945 --> 00:34:18,113
So what does this Gary do for a living?
659
00:34:18,114 --> 00:34:19,615
Have you done
a background check on him?
660
00:34:19,616 --> 00:34:21,116
Gary is actually
661
00:34:21,117 --> 00:34:24,620
one of the most successful
psychologists in all of Manhattan, Ron.
662
00:34:24,621 --> 00:34:26,121
Really sweet.
663
00:34:26,122 --> 00:34:27,790
Are you reading my mind right now?
664
00:34:27,791 --> 00:34:31,309
Ron, do you even know
what a psychologist is?
665
00:34:31,836 --> 00:34:33,895
Fuck you.
666
00:34:34,255 --> 00:34:35,464
Ron!
667
00:34:35,465 --> 00:34:36,965
- It's okay.
- You stop that!
668
00:34:36,966 --> 00:34:38,384
He's externalizing. Thaťs okay.
669
00:34:38,385 --> 00:34:40,511
- No, iťs not okay.
- He's mad.
670
00:34:40,512 --> 00:34:44,990
You knew I was going to throw that
punch 'cause you're reading my mind!
671
00:34:45,183 --> 00:34:47,393
Mom! I'm home!
672
00:34:47,394 --> 00:34:48,852
- Hey, little guy.
- Hey, darling.
673
00:34:48,853 --> 00:34:51,246
- Hi, Walter.
- Hey, Dad.
674
00:34:51,523 --> 00:34:53,190
I missed you!
675
00:34:53,191 --> 00:34:55,693
Walter, your father has a gift for you.
676
00:34:55,694 --> 00:34:59,713
I have a gift
specifically for you, Walter.
677
00:35:00,115 --> 00:35:01,323
There you go.
678
00:35:01,324 --> 00:35:03,133
Yes, Gary.
679
00:35:07,664 --> 00:35:09,665
Okay, thaťs actually for me, Walter.
680
00:35:09,666 --> 00:35:11,959
No, iťs not. It's for Walter.
681
00:35:11,960 --> 00:35:13,627
It's a superhero costume.
682
00:35:13,628 --> 00:35:15,212
What is it?
683
00:35:15,213 --> 00:35:17,923
It's "Lace Man."
It's a brand new superhero.
684
00:35:17,924 --> 00:35:20,259
I'm going to be Lace Man!
685
00:35:20,260 --> 00:35:22,094
Look, Ron. Joint custody isn't easy.
686
00:35:22,095 --> 00:35:26,473
But what we need to do is rally around
this little guy right now, okay?
687
00:35:26,474 --> 00:35:27,933
Thaťs never gonna happen.
688
00:35:27,934 --> 00:35:29,435
Excuse me?
689
00:35:29,436 --> 00:35:31,812
Because you, Veronica,
are unfit to be a mother!
690
00:35:31,813 --> 00:35:35,524
Need I remind you
that you took that child to a cock fight?
691
00:35:35,525 --> 00:35:37,359
- The game of champions!
- I'm Lace Man!
692
00:35:37,360 --> 00:35:38,986
He had the time of his life!
693
00:35:38,987 --> 00:35:40,904
He came home splattered in blood!
694
00:35:40,905 --> 00:35:43,866
He picked eight winning cocks.
It's never been done!
695
00:35:43,867 --> 00:35:46,187
You have never tried
to connect with Walter.
696
00:35:47,245 --> 00:35:49,580
All right, leťs keep it civil
in front of the boy.
697
00:35:49,581 --> 00:35:53,167
It's bad enough his mother
likes to go down on rodeo clowns.
698
00:35:53,168 --> 00:35:55,335
- Okay, you know what, out!
- All right. Get your things! Leťs go.
699
00:35:55,336 --> 00:35:56,378
Fine. I'm out of here.
700
00:35:56,379 --> 00:35:58,255
- Don't have to tell me twice.
- Get your things.
701
00:35:58,256 --> 00:36:00,841
- We'll see you guys later.
- Yes, you will.
702
00:36:00,842 --> 00:36:03,677
Goodbye, Dad! Thanks for the present.
703
00:36:03,678 --> 00:36:06,805
Goodbye, Walter, my little man.
704
00:36:06,806 --> 00:36:09,057
You promise to do good in school,
okay?
705
00:36:09,058 --> 00:36:10,142
Okay.
706
00:36:10,143 --> 00:36:11,435
And stay away from the he-shes...
707
00:36:11,436 --> 00:36:12,603
- Ron!
...down in the Bowery.
708
00:36:12,604 --> 00:36:14,605
Ron, I don't think thaťs appropriate.
709
00:36:14,606 --> 00:36:16,440
I'll tell you, those fellas,
710
00:36:16,441 --> 00:36:20,752
they got the looks, they got the curves,
they got the chi-chi's,
711
00:36:21,029 --> 00:36:23,030
and then at some point
during the evening,
712
00:36:23,031 --> 00:36:26,033
you reach down below the belt
looking to get a little muffellita,
713
00:36:26,034 --> 00:36:29,536
and you get a handful of
the battle of the bulge.
714
00:36:29,537 --> 00:36:31,038
You hear what I'm saying, Walter?
715
00:36:31,039 --> 00:36:32,456
Yes, I do.
716
00:36:32,457 --> 00:36:36,684
Ron, it was nice meeting you.
I think iťs time for you to go.
717
00:36:36,753 --> 00:36:38,645
Ron!
718
00:36:38,922 --> 00:36:40,506
You knew!
719
00:36:40,507 --> 00:36:42,466
You anticipated that
because you're reading my mind!
720
00:36:42,467 --> 00:36:44,150
That confirms it!
721
00:36:51,935 --> 00:36:53,560
There's Lime!
722
00:36:53,561 --> 00:36:56,939
Look at him. He's a goddamn prince!
723
00:36:56,940 --> 00:36:59,942
Man, there's just something about him,
you know?
724
00:36:59,943 --> 00:37:02,236
I'd give anything to be friends with him.
725
00:37:02,237 --> 00:37:04,530
I don't see what the big deal is,
you know.
726
00:37:04,531 --> 00:37:06,506
He's not that great.
727
00:37:07,909 --> 00:37:09,717
What did you say?
728
00:37:09,911 --> 00:37:11,286
Whaťs that?
729
00:37:11,287 --> 00:37:13,346
I heard you say something.
730
00:37:14,249 --> 00:37:16,833
What did I say? Nothing.
731
00:37:16,834 --> 00:37:18,502
No. I heard you say something.
732
00:37:18,503 --> 00:37:19,920
He said you're not that great!
733
00:37:19,921 --> 00:37:21,088
Brick!
734
00:37:21,089 --> 00:37:23,090
Is that what you said about me?
735
00:37:23,091 --> 00:37:24,758
- He's coming over here.
- I know!
736
00:37:24,759 --> 00:37:27,193
I'm gonna rip this guy in half.
737
00:37:27,387 --> 00:37:30,097
No, no, no!
Just give me a little piece of him.
738
00:37:30,098 --> 00:37:32,224
Jack, look, iťs just...
739
00:37:32,225 --> 00:37:35,769
The guys look up to you so much,
and I just was a little jealous.
740
00:37:35,770 --> 00:37:37,704
I just said some junk.
741
00:37:38,064 --> 00:37:39,398
Thaťs funny.
742
00:37:39,399 --> 00:37:45,211
Aren't you the guy
who lost his job to his wife?
743
00:37:47,198 --> 00:37:49,465
Shouldn't you be doing her makeup?
744
00:37:54,205 --> 00:37:57,124
- All right, guys, thaťs enough.
- No, shut up, Freddie!
745
00:37:57,125 --> 00:38:00,518
And you can shut your mouth,
okay, Jack "Lame"!
746
00:38:04,090 --> 00:38:07,926
Yeah.
Mr. Butt-Vagina's got some fight in him.
747
00:38:07,927 --> 00:38:11,571
- You listen to this one, big fella.
- Yeah.
748
00:38:13,099 --> 00:38:17,285
I bet you that we beat
your ratings tonight.
749
00:38:18,730 --> 00:38:21,023
I'm sorry. I'm trying to keep it together.
750
00:38:21,024 --> 00:38:23,108
No, no, no. Don't do this. Don't do this.
751
00:38:23,109 --> 00:38:25,986
You're on at 2:00 a. M.
Jack has prime time!
752
00:38:25,987 --> 00:38:29,422
Maybe... No. Hey, Freddie, no, no. Hey.
753
00:38:29,574 --> 00:38:32,701
I'll take that bet. What are the stakes?
754
00:38:32,702 --> 00:38:36,137
If we lose, I'll leave New York.
755
00:38:36,539 --> 00:38:38,874
And I'll never read the news again.
756
00:38:38,875 --> 00:38:42,085
And if by some
snowbal I's chance in hell
757
00:38:42,086 --> 00:38:45,813
Mr. Mustache here
pulls a miracle out of his ass?
758
00:38:46,716 --> 00:38:51,470
You change your name to Jack Lame!
Legally.
759
00:38:51,471 --> 00:38:55,140
I like this! You're on, Stretch.
760
00:38:55,141 --> 00:38:56,767
Everyone heard him?
761
00:38:56,768 --> 00:38:58,935
- Freddie, you heard him?
- Yeah. I heard him.
762
00:38:58,936 --> 00:39:02,163
- This is on like Pong.
- Okay. Good.
763
00:39:06,736 --> 00:39:09,071
Why? Why did you make that bet, Ron?
764
00:39:09,072 --> 00:39:11,990
We've got the graveyard shift!
We don't have a chance!
765
00:39:11,991 --> 00:39:13,742
Hey, guy!
766
00:39:13,743 --> 00:39:15,952
This ain't local news anymore.
767
00:39:15,953 --> 00:39:17,663
We shit standing up here.
768
00:39:17,664 --> 00:39:19,305
What?
769
00:39:20,458 --> 00:39:24,310
It's a huge mess, but damn, is it cool!
770
00:39:24,420 --> 00:39:26,171
All right, everyone!
771
00:39:26,172 --> 00:39:28,632
Ladies and gentlemen,
772
00:39:28,633 --> 00:39:34,763
today wouldn't be possible
without the visionary behind GNN.
773
00:39:34,764 --> 00:39:37,099
Mr. Kench Allenby!
774
00:39:37,100 --> 00:39:39,492
Yeah, yeah!
775
00:39:40,186 --> 00:39:42,328
Thank you.
776
00:39:42,772 --> 00:39:45,373
All right, cheer.
777
00:39:45,608 --> 00:39:49,695
I am jabbered,
just jabbered, full of beans, no doubt.
778
00:39:49,696 --> 00:39:51,780
Does anyone else speak Australian?
779
00:39:51,781 --> 00:39:53,532
I thought they talked like us.
780
00:39:53,533 --> 00:39:57,135
Can I get you to say with me...
781
00:39:59,038 --> 00:40:01,123
We can't quite understand you.
782
00:40:01,124 --> 00:40:04,041
How's this? I'm Kench Allenby.
783
00:40:04,042 --> 00:40:06,086
- Yes. Thaťs good.
- There we go! Thank you so much.
784
00:40:06,087 --> 00:40:09,506
I'm Kench Allenby
and you all know my story.
785
00:40:09,507 --> 00:40:11,091
I'm a self-made man.
786
00:40:11,092 --> 00:40:15,512
My late, great father, Vadge Allenby,
gave me $300 million,
787
00:40:15,513 --> 00:40:20,809
and I toiled my whole bloody life
to turn that into $305 million.
788
00:40:20,810 --> 00:40:23,077
True story. True story.
789
00:40:24,564 --> 00:40:27,065
But this is 24-hour news station...
790
00:40:27,066 --> 00:40:28,692
This is history.
791
00:40:28,693 --> 00:40:30,902
This is like Columbus
discovering the New World.
792
00:40:30,903 --> 00:40:36,116
And the captain of this fantastic
voyage is the best newsman in America,
793
00:40:36,117 --> 00:40:38,051
Mr. Jack Lime!
794
00:40:38,703 --> 00:40:41,580
Go get 'em, Jack! Go get 'em!
795
00:40:41,581 --> 00:40:44,724
Thank you.
And good luck to Ron Burgundy, too.
796
00:40:46,127 --> 00:40:48,269
Getting nervous there, compadre?
797
00:40:49,005 --> 00:40:50,338
Leťs do this.
798
00:40:50,339 --> 00:40:52,716
Did you see that?
How he spun on that desk? So great.
799
00:40:52,717 --> 00:40:54,901
All right. Quiet on the floor, please.
800
00:40:55,636 --> 00:40:56,928
All right.
801
00:40:56,929 --> 00:40:58,847
All right. We're up.
Here we go, here we go.
802
00:40:58,848 --> 00:41:03,076
In five, four, three, two...
803
00:41:04,145 --> 00:41:07,063
Good day, and welcome to GNN.
804
00:41:07,064 --> 00:41:11,276
Thank you for joining us on what we
believe to be a whole new era of news.
805
00:41:11,277 --> 00:41:12,569
I'm Jack Lime,
806
00:41:12,570 --> 00:41:17,032
your guide for this journey of events
we humbly call 24-hour news.
807
00:41:17,033 --> 00:41:19,075
Today's top story, Mount St. Helens.
808
00:41:19,076 --> 00:41:22,204
This is just a gimmick.
It's a flash in the pan.
809
00:41:22,205 --> 00:41:23,663
We better hope so.
810
00:41:23,664 --> 00:41:25,290
Residents are being asked
to evacuate the area...
811
00:41:25,291 --> 00:41:27,000
Twenty-four hours of news.
812
00:41:27,001 --> 00:41:29,836
How are they gonna keep
coming up with this stuff?
813
00:41:29,837 --> 00:41:33,173
My guess is they'll probably be scraping
the bottom of the barrel.
814
00:41:33,174 --> 00:41:35,926
No, I have a feeling
they'll stick with their integrity
815
00:41:35,927 --> 00:41:39,221
and only report
the news that needs to be reported.
816
00:41:39,222 --> 00:41:40,347
Leťs see here.
817
00:41:40,348 --> 00:41:44,893
"Global temperatures rise half a degree,
alarm climate scientists. " Boring.
818
00:41:44,894 --> 00:41:48,287
"China could dominate
the world economy in the next decade."
819
00:41:50,483 --> 00:41:51,900
Nope.
820
00:41:51,901 --> 00:41:53,109
Anyone else?
821
00:41:53,110 --> 00:41:54,778
What if we show a porno
instead of the news?
822
00:41:54,779 --> 00:41:56,029
Freddie?
823
00:41:56,030 --> 00:41:58,323
No. Absolutely not.
824
00:41:58,324 --> 00:42:01,034
I know. What if we get
one of those wildlife handlers?
825
00:42:01,035 --> 00:42:04,162
We have him bring in big game cats.
826
00:42:04,163 --> 00:42:08,542
You know, wild, dangerous tigers
and lions and leopards and the such.
827
00:42:08,543 --> 00:42:12,337
We let them loose inside the studio
with about a dozen chickens.
828
00:42:12,338 --> 00:42:16,258
We play rock music.
And we just call it Let Her Rip.
829
00:42:16,259 --> 00:42:18,260
I'd watch that. I'd watch that.
830
00:42:18,261 --> 00:42:19,678
Let Her Rip?
831
00:42:19,679 --> 00:42:23,348
You're describing the end of civilization.
Thaťs not news!
832
00:42:23,349 --> 00:42:25,016
If thaťs the end of times, I'm...
833
00:42:25,017 --> 00:42:28,436
I got a front-row seat
with a big tub of buttered popcorn
834
00:42:28,437 --> 00:42:31,565
and a greasy half-live chicken leg.
835
00:42:31,566 --> 00:42:34,025
Okay, so obviously this is
a waste of time. I'm done.
836
00:42:34,026 --> 00:42:35,235
Freddie! Come on!
837
00:42:35,236 --> 00:42:36,903
We're just brainstorming here.
838
00:42:36,904 --> 00:42:39,573
We're trying to figure out how to
make the news less boring,
839
00:42:39,574 --> 00:42:41,992
and you act like
we peed in your milkshake.
840
00:42:41,993 --> 00:42:44,286
The news is supposed to be boring,
Ron!
841
00:42:44,287 --> 00:42:46,246
This is serious stuff.
842
00:42:46,247 --> 00:42:48,790
You're the one that
made this stupid bet!
843
00:42:48,791 --> 00:42:54,254
I just don't know why we have to
tell the people what they need to hear.
844
00:42:54,255 --> 00:42:57,315
Why can't we just
tell them what they want to hear?
845
00:42:57,550 --> 00:42:59,859
Wait, wait, wait.
846
00:43:00,803 --> 00:43:02,345
Say that again.
847
00:43:02,346 --> 00:43:08,101
I said, why do we have to tell the people
what they need to hear?
848
00:43:08,102 --> 00:43:10,437
Why can't we just
tell them what they want to hear?
849
00:43:10,438 --> 00:43:12,564
And what do they want to hear, Ron?
850
00:43:12,565 --> 00:43:16,151
That we live in the greatest country
God ever created.
851
00:43:16,152 --> 00:43:18,862
- Damn straight!
- Made him happy.
852
00:43:18,863 --> 00:43:21,239
And we should do stories on patriots.
853
00:43:21,240 --> 00:43:24,451
Cute, funny little animals, huh? Or diets.
854
00:43:24,452 --> 00:43:27,662
Why blondes have more fun.
855
00:43:27,663 --> 00:43:29,497
And serious investigative pieces,
856
00:43:29,498 --> 00:43:32,250
about how much ejaculate
is on hotel duvets.
857
00:43:32,251 --> 00:43:34,502
And only the best sports highlights.
858
00:43:34,503 --> 00:43:38,131
Home runs, slam dunks,
touchdowns and no soccer.
859
00:43:38,132 --> 00:43:39,507
I like the wind!
860
00:43:39,508 --> 00:43:41,718
Brick's right. People love hurricanes.
861
00:43:41,719 --> 00:43:45,138
Tornadoes, earthquakes, floods, we'll
throw Brick right in the middle of it.
862
00:43:45,139 --> 00:43:46,739
You'd do that?
863
00:43:47,058 --> 00:43:48,725
People'll go nuts. I'd watch that!
864
00:43:48,726 --> 00:43:54,814
No, this goes against every rule
of broadcast journalism I know.
865
00:43:54,815 --> 00:44:00,211
Freddie, as the wise man once said,
"So?"
866
00:44:00,237 --> 00:44:02,155
We got 10 hours till we go on.
867
00:44:02,156 --> 00:44:04,048
We'll only need eight!
868
00:44:11,582 --> 00:44:13,933
Lady
869
00:44:14,669 --> 00:44:18,380
I'm your knight in shining armor
870
00:44:18,381 --> 00:44:20,940
And I love you
871
00:44:21,717 --> 00:44:26,320
You have made me what I am
872
00:44:26,681 --> 00:44:29,740
And I am yours
873
00:44:34,563 --> 00:44:37,164
My love...
874
00:44:39,568 --> 00:44:42,503
- Is that candy?
- I don't know.
875
00:44:48,160 --> 00:44:49,844
It is candy.
876
00:44:50,579 --> 00:44:53,431
- I like you.
- I like you.
877
00:44:53,708 --> 00:44:56,017
Tell me something about you.
878
00:44:56,085 --> 00:44:59,421
Well, I'm 19 years old.
My middle name is Courtney.
879
00:44:59,422 --> 00:45:03,049
I can always guess how many
jelly beans are in a jelly bean jar,
880
00:45:03,050 --> 00:45:04,676
even if iťs not right.
881
00:45:04,677 --> 00:45:06,428
What about you?
882
00:45:06,429 --> 00:45:08,596
My name is Chani Lastnamé.
883
00:45:08,597 --> 00:45:11,725
I'm a real go-getter
and a person people.
884
00:45:11,726 --> 00:45:16,604
I can type 50 words a minute
with only 300 errors.
885
00:45:16,605 --> 00:45:18,732
I'm trained and certified...
886
00:45:18,733 --> 00:45:20,775
To fire a
military-grade missile launcher.
887
00:45:20,776 --> 00:45:22,376
Me, too.
888
00:45:23,070 --> 00:45:26,156
Chani, I just got
these phone messages from last week.
889
00:45:26,157 --> 00:45:27,657
You mailed them to me?
890
00:45:27,658 --> 00:45:30,076
How else was I gonna get them to you?
891
00:45:30,077 --> 00:45:32,345
You hand them to me.
892
00:45:33,080 --> 00:45:35,582
You are the dumbest person
I've met in my entire life,
893
00:45:35,583 --> 00:45:37,959
and thaťs not an exaggeration.
894
00:45:37,960 --> 00:45:39,210
That makes me feel bad.
895
00:45:39,211 --> 00:45:41,421
Well, iťs the truth, Chani.
896
00:45:41,422 --> 00:45:43,339
You!
897
00:45:43,340 --> 00:45:46,817
- Leave her alone!
- Excuse me, sir.
898
00:45:47,219 --> 00:45:51,014
Get your filthy hands off of her!
899
00:45:51,015 --> 00:45:52,307
Help, help!
900
00:45:52,308 --> 00:45:53,475
Excuse me, sir!
901
00:45:53,476 --> 00:45:55,727
- Leave me alone, lady!
- Excuse me!
902
00:45:55,728 --> 00:45:59,080
She is a goddess among women!
903
00:46:01,233 --> 00:46:03,084
Glen!
904
00:46:03,110 --> 00:46:04,819
My phone messages!
905
00:46:04,820 --> 00:46:07,030
Leave him alone!
906
00:46:07,031 --> 00:46:08,756
Not today!
907
00:46:08,783 --> 00:46:11,743
- She has butterflies in her heart!
- Chani!
908
00:46:11,744 --> 00:46:14,704
I can see you behind that desk,
and you're fired!
909
00:46:14,705 --> 00:46:16,430
Why?
910
00:46:24,799 --> 00:46:26,941
Are you okay?
911
00:46:26,967 --> 00:46:29,302
You saved my life.
912
00:46:29,303 --> 00:46:31,513
She was trying to set me on fire.
913
00:46:31,514 --> 00:46:34,057
I didn't ask for these powers.
914
00:46:34,058 --> 00:46:35,809
I was given them.
915
00:46:35,810 --> 00:46:40,146
Last night a bird chased me,
916
00:46:40,147 --> 00:46:42,748
and I wished it was you.
917
00:46:43,150 --> 00:46:44,776
Can we go to a date?
918
00:46:44,777 --> 00:46:47,128
Yes.
919
00:47:00,835 --> 00:47:04,420
Dear God, please help me pull this off.
920
00:47:04,421 --> 00:47:08,716
I swear, if you help me,
I will become a monk.
921
00:47:08,717 --> 00:47:12,178
I will shave my head
and become a monk and your dedica--
922
00:47:12,179 --> 00:47:14,889
Who are we kidding?
I'm not gonna to do that.
923
00:47:14,890 --> 00:47:16,224
Did you hear?
924
00:47:16,225 --> 00:47:18,518
Evan said some strange copy
in the prompter.
925
00:47:18,519 --> 00:47:19,853
Iťs 2:00 a. M.
926
00:47:19,854 --> 00:47:22,063
Iťs Freddie Shapp's ass, not mine.
Leťs go.
927
00:47:22,064 --> 00:47:26,375
People who change history
are rarely aware of it while doing so.
928
00:47:26,527 --> 00:47:31,865
Ron and his news team simply thought
they were making the news more fun.
929
00:47:31,866 --> 00:47:37,036
Little did they know they were changing
the course of broadcast history forever.
930
00:47:37,037 --> 00:47:40,415
Hello, America.
It's 2:00 a. M. Eastern time.
931
00:47:40,416 --> 00:47:46,045
I'm Ron Burgundy,
and tonighťs top story is America.
932
00:47:46,046 --> 00:47:47,964
She's the greatest country in the world.
933
00:47:47,965 --> 00:47:49,883
Heck, the history of the world!
934
00:47:49,884 --> 00:47:51,567
You're damn right!
935
00:47:53,554 --> 00:47:56,180
Too much of the news
is about whaťs wrong with America.
936
00:47:56,181 --> 00:47:57,223
Amen, brother!
937
00:47:57,224 --> 00:48:00,643
Well, tonight, our top story
is whaťs right with America.
938
00:48:00,644 --> 00:48:03,021
Someone's finally
talking sense on the TV.
939
00:48:03,022 --> 00:48:05,440
For starters, we kick butt.
940
00:48:05,441 --> 00:48:07,901
Nazi butt. Russian butt.
941
00:48:07,902 --> 00:48:09,402
What the hell is he doing?
942
00:48:09,403 --> 00:48:10,987
He's talking about America.
943
00:48:10,988 --> 00:48:12,572
Why, do you have a problem with that?
944
00:48:12,573 --> 00:48:15,325
Tonight I begin part one
of my 11-part series
945
00:48:15,326 --> 00:48:18,328
on the power and mystery
of the human vagina.
946
00:48:18,329 --> 00:48:22,749
This series will be a tasteful look
at just what makes a vagina tick,
947
00:48:22,750 --> 00:48:26,669
as well as a look at the 50 greatest
vaginas of the 20th century.
948
00:48:26,670 --> 00:48:28,354
Son of a bitch!
949
00:48:29,423 --> 00:48:31,257
One final question, and I'll let you go.
950
00:48:31,258 --> 00:48:34,302
Who tops the list
of the top 50 greatest vaginas?
951
00:48:34,303 --> 00:48:37,071
Well, I don't want to give anything away.
952
00:48:37,598 --> 00:48:38,932
I thought I had you.
953
00:48:38,933 --> 00:48:40,642
I will give you number two.
954
00:48:40,643 --> 00:48:41,935
- Please.
- Madame Curie.
955
00:48:41,936 --> 00:48:43,937
Of course. Of course.
956
00:48:43,938 --> 00:48:45,313
Whammy! Whammy!
957
00:48:45,314 --> 00:48:47,231
Whammy! Whammy! Whammy!
958
00:48:47,232 --> 00:48:49,708
Whammy!
959
00:48:54,782 --> 00:48:55,949
Whammy!
960
00:48:55,950 --> 00:48:57,283
Back to you, Ron.
961
00:48:57,284 --> 00:49:00,161
The wind is really windy.
962
00:49:00,162 --> 00:49:02,664
Brick? Brick, can you hear me?
963
00:49:02,665 --> 00:49:04,540
I can't hear you, Ron!
964
00:49:04,541 --> 00:49:08,336
Okay, but you're answering the
question, so I think you can hear me.
965
00:49:08,337 --> 00:49:09,504
No, I can!
966
00:49:09,505 --> 00:49:12,757
Brick, do you think there is any danger
to the average person out there?
967
00:49:12,758 --> 00:49:15,677
I'm afraid for the animals
of New York, Ron.
968
00:49:15,678 --> 00:49:20,306
I saw a woman,
and her dog never touched the ground.
969
00:49:20,307 --> 00:49:24,060
You're saying wind gusts
as fast as a supersonic jet?
970
00:49:24,061 --> 00:49:26,771
It looked like
she was walking a dog balloon.
971
00:49:26,772 --> 00:49:28,439
And go... Switch.
972
00:49:28,440 --> 00:49:31,901
And for our eighth
and final animal story of the night,
973
00:49:31,902 --> 00:49:34,654
it looks like residents
of North Yulk, Montana,
974
00:49:34,655 --> 00:49:38,716
have found the cutest little patriot
on Goďs green earth.
975
00:49:41,662 --> 00:49:43,804
Look at that little guy!
976
00:49:44,331 --> 00:49:47,683
He was having some fun.
977
00:49:47,835 --> 00:49:52,505
Well, for all of us here at GNN,
I'm Ron Burgundy.
978
00:49:52,506 --> 00:49:57,443
And don't just have a great night,
have an American night.
979
00:50:00,014 --> 00:50:02,031
And we're out!
980
00:50:04,018 --> 00:50:07,520
- I couldn't take my eyes off the screen!
- Yes.
981
00:50:07,521 --> 00:50:09,856
You were electric, Ron! Whammy!
982
00:50:09,857 --> 00:50:11,733
That just felt right! That felt right!
983
00:50:11,734 --> 00:50:13,026
I was outside!
984
00:50:13,027 --> 00:50:15,445
You sure were, Brick. Wonderful job.
985
00:50:15,446 --> 00:50:17,030
Amazing. Great job.
986
00:50:17,031 --> 00:50:21,284
What the hell was that?
What the hell was that?
987
00:50:21,285 --> 00:50:24,203
Hey, hey, hey. Take it easy, Linda.
We were just trying something new.
988
00:50:24,204 --> 00:50:26,622
You changed the format of
the entire show without consulting me?
989
00:50:26,623 --> 00:50:27,874
Thaťs unacceptable!
990
00:50:27,875 --> 00:50:30,918
Damn straight, sister.
We just done went and brought it!
991
00:50:30,919 --> 00:50:33,588
And here's the truth.
You can't handle it, little mama!
992
00:50:33,589 --> 00:50:36,632
Get out!
You are all terminated immediately.
993
00:50:36,633 --> 00:50:38,593
If you were a man, I'd knock you out.
994
00:50:38,594 --> 00:50:41,345
Really? Well, go ahead!
995
00:50:41,346 --> 00:50:44,073
Take a swing! Take your best shot!
996
00:50:44,141 --> 00:50:45,433
I have five brothers,
997
00:50:45,434 --> 00:50:47,643
and two of them are defensive backs
in the NFL, so come on!
998
00:50:47,644 --> 00:50:49,353
- You want me to do it?
- Yeah.
999
00:50:49,354 --> 00:50:50,938
This thing's not gonna feel good.
1000
00:50:50,939 --> 00:50:51,981
Do it, Ron. Just do it.
1001
00:50:51,982 --> 00:50:54,192
Are you scared? Whaťs the problem?
1002
00:50:54,193 --> 00:50:56,752
Is he a chicken? Are you a chicken?
1003
00:50:59,656 --> 00:51:00,948
I'm not a chicken at all.
1004
00:51:00,949 --> 00:51:03,842
I'm going to make
that mustache of yours all bloody.
1005
00:51:05,079 --> 00:51:06,704
Well...
1006
00:51:06,705 --> 00:51:08,498
Seems like you're buying time, Ron.
1007
00:51:08,499 --> 00:51:09,999
I'm not buying time.
1008
00:51:10,000 --> 00:51:13,669
Ron! Just do what men have been doing
for thousands of years,
1009
00:51:13,670 --> 00:51:15,338
and punch the woman.
1010
00:51:15,339 --> 00:51:16,714
- Punch her!
- You're stalling.
1011
00:51:16,715 --> 00:51:17,799
Punch the woman!
1012
00:51:17,800 --> 00:51:21,360
Here comes the Toledo Express.
All aboard!
1013
00:51:24,515 --> 00:51:26,490
Ron! No!
1014
00:51:28,143 --> 00:51:30,119
I didn't do it!
1015
00:51:31,855 --> 00:51:35,024
Mama, your baby's hurt.
1016
00:51:35,025 --> 00:51:37,126
Your baby.
1017
00:51:38,070 --> 00:51:41,296
What is that sound you're making?
Good Lord!
1018
00:51:42,491 --> 00:51:44,784
You sound like a balloon.
1019
00:51:44,785 --> 00:51:46,369
Pull yourself together, man.
1020
00:51:46,370 --> 00:51:47,703
Security!
1021
00:51:47,704 --> 00:51:49,622
They saw my pee-pee.
1022
00:51:49,623 --> 00:51:52,750
The eighth grade boys saw my pee-pee!
1023
00:51:52,751 --> 00:51:54,710
Did you say they saw your pee-pee?
1024
00:51:54,711 --> 00:51:57,505
In the locker room,
they saw my pee-pee.
1025
00:51:57,506 --> 00:51:59,715
You just knocked him
back into fifth grade.
1026
00:51:59,716 --> 00:52:01,483
Get him out of here!
1027
00:52:02,511 --> 00:52:04,720
Bugger me with a didgeridoo.
1028
00:52:04,721 --> 00:52:06,097
We knew we'd struggle to start,
1029
00:52:06,098 --> 00:52:08,724
but these ratings
are lower than I'd even imagined.
1030
00:52:08,725 --> 00:52:10,685
Thank God for the 2:00 a. M. Spike.
1031
00:52:10,686 --> 00:52:12,687
It really saved our whole launch.
1032
00:52:12,688 --> 00:52:15,398
Spike? What are you talking about?
1033
00:52:15,399 --> 00:52:16,607
What spike?
1034
00:52:16,608 --> 00:52:18,734
Burgundy. Who's Ron Burgundy?
1035
00:52:18,735 --> 00:52:21,420
No, no, no, this can't be right.
1036
00:52:22,114 --> 00:52:26,868
His team start at a.2,
and then they finish at a 5.6?
1037
00:52:26,869 --> 00:52:30,121
Thaťs unbelievable!
They tripled Jack Lime's numbers!
1038
00:52:30,122 --> 00:52:33,666
How is that even possible?
Who are these guys?
1039
00:52:33,667 --> 00:52:36,586
They're a local team out of San Diego.
1040
00:52:36,587 --> 00:52:37,920
You little beauty!
1041
00:52:37,921 --> 00:52:40,355
Well, they no longer work for us.
1042
00:52:41,925 --> 00:52:43,467
I fired them.
1043
00:52:43,468 --> 00:52:48,890
Well, guys, it goes without saying
I owe you gentlemen an apology.
1044
00:52:48,891 --> 00:52:53,811
I dragged you out here and this thing
was a disaster from the word "go."
1045
00:52:53,812 --> 00:52:56,480
No, Ron, don't you beat yourself up.
1046
00:52:56,481 --> 00:52:58,274
Yeah, iťs all right, Ron.
1047
00:52:58,275 --> 00:53:00,042
Gin.
1048
00:53:00,777 --> 00:53:02,820
Brian, any idea what you might do next?
1049
00:53:02,821 --> 00:53:04,238
Gonna head back to L.A.
1050
00:53:04,239 --> 00:53:05,948
I got a good group of buddies out there.
1051
00:53:05,949 --> 00:53:08,826
O.J. Simpson.
Phil Spector. Robert Blake.
1052
00:53:08,827 --> 00:53:10,620
Sounds like a fun crew.
1053
00:53:10,621 --> 00:53:12,371
We go out cruising chicks.
1054
00:53:12,372 --> 00:53:14,123
Call ourselves the "Ladykillers."
1055
00:53:14,124 --> 00:53:16,709
I love that name. You should get it
on the back of matching jackets.
1056
00:53:16,710 --> 00:53:18,811
Thaťs not a bad idea.
1057
00:53:21,673 --> 00:53:24,066
Guys?
1058
00:53:25,344 --> 00:53:26,802
Hey.
1059
00:53:26,803 --> 00:53:28,804
I got some news.
1060
00:53:28,805 --> 00:53:31,682
Freddie, we don't exactly want to hear
the word "news" right now.
1061
00:53:31,683 --> 00:53:32,975
Yeah.
1062
00:53:32,976 --> 00:53:36,979
You're right. Forget it.
Forget I was even here.
1063
00:53:36,980 --> 00:53:40,457
Forget that GNN wants you back.
1064
00:53:40,609 --> 00:53:45,196
For a prime time slot and a raise in pay.
1065
00:53:45,197 --> 00:53:48,491
Quit yanking our penises, Freddie!
Whaťs the deal?
1066
00:53:48,492 --> 00:53:50,826
Yeah! Quit yanking our anuses.
1067
00:53:50,827 --> 00:53:53,637
No. I'm not yanking your...
1068
00:53:54,665 --> 00:53:57,541
Your ratings went through the roof.
1069
00:53:57,542 --> 00:54:00,853
People love what you did.
1070
00:54:00,921 --> 00:54:02,922
You're a success!
1071
00:54:02,923 --> 00:54:08,177
Get it? You're a great, big, fat success!
1072
00:54:08,178 --> 00:54:11,013
By the bed pan of Gene Rayburn!
1073
00:54:11,014 --> 00:54:14,324
It's total crap
and they can't stop watching!
1074
00:54:14,351 --> 00:54:17,311
The news team
had been famous in San Diego,
1075
00:54:17,312 --> 00:54:21,039
but that was small time
compared to New York.
1076
00:54:21,066 --> 00:54:23,317
This fame was a rocket ship.
1077
00:54:23,318 --> 00:54:27,863
A rocket ship that had free drinks
and topless stewardesses.
1078
00:54:27,864 --> 00:54:29,907
Thaťll do it for all of us here at GNN.
1079
00:54:29,908 --> 00:54:33,577
Thank God for the events,
thank me for the news.
1080
00:54:33,578 --> 00:54:35,596
I'm Jack...
1081
00:54:38,125 --> 00:54:39,850
...Lame.
1082
00:54:43,213 --> 00:54:45,339
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
1083
00:54:45,340 --> 00:54:46,757
More graphics, all right?
1084
00:54:46,758 --> 00:54:48,426
But there's already a lot.
1085
00:54:48,427 --> 00:54:50,761
Hey, you heard the man. More graphics.
1086
00:54:50,762 --> 00:54:53,431
Let a citizen ask a question here,
for Goďs sake!
1087
00:54:53,432 --> 00:54:57,451
Can Father Ron please shut his mouth
for just half a second?
1088
00:54:59,438 --> 00:55:03,315
This is against everything
that I have worked for my entire life.
1089
00:55:03,316 --> 00:55:05,208
Honey, come on.
1090
00:55:29,176 --> 00:55:33,137
If you're like me, you need an underwear
that fits your active lifestyle.
1091
00:55:33,138 --> 00:55:35,931
At finer specialty
and department stores.
1092
00:55:35,932 --> 00:55:38,768
I'm weatherman Brick Tamland,
and I like butter.
1093
00:55:38,769 --> 00:55:43,397
Butter is nutritious and it tastes great.
1094
00:55:43,398 --> 00:55:45,666
Butter!
1095
00:55:46,902 --> 00:55:49,487
There's something new
on the New York social scene.
1096
00:55:49,488 --> 00:55:51,197
It's fun, relatively benign
1097
00:55:51,198 --> 00:55:54,617
and costs about as much
as a soda pop at the local drugstore.
1098
00:55:54,618 --> 00:55:56,118
Here's Brian Fantana
1099
00:55:56,119 --> 00:56:00,623
on why everyone who is someone
is lighting up to smoke crack.
1100
00:56:00,624 --> 00:56:03,084
Now, Brian,
I understand we have some crack
1101
00:56:03,085 --> 00:56:04,877
and we're going to smoke it
right here in the studio.
1102
00:56:04,878 --> 00:56:06,212
I don't know if we can get a shot of that.
1103
00:56:06,213 --> 00:56:08,172
What is that? Did you know
they were gonna have that?
1104
00:56:08,173 --> 00:56:09,423
No.
1105
00:56:09,424 --> 00:56:12,635
Now, what you're gonna do is,
you're gonna put your rock in the pipe.
1106
00:56:12,636 --> 00:56:15,096
Is that where the phrase "Put it in your
pipe and smoke it" comes from?
1107
00:56:15,097 --> 00:56:16,597
I don't care.
1108
00:56:16,598 --> 00:56:19,366
I love it when you do cooking segments.
1109
00:56:23,230 --> 00:56:24,647
You feel that right away.
1110
00:56:24,648 --> 00:56:27,775
Thaťs good. Thaťs good.
Thaťs an immediate state of euphoria.
1111
00:56:27,776 --> 00:56:31,336
You'll be surprised.
The effect, it happens very...
1112
00:56:31,905 --> 00:56:33,781
It's just refreshing.
1113
00:56:33,782 --> 00:56:35,950
They're actually enjoying it.
1114
00:56:35,951 --> 00:56:38,593
Of course they're enjoying it. It's crack.
1115
00:56:40,580 --> 00:56:45,100
Well, now we know, guys,
you can't smoke crack on live television.
1116
00:56:56,096 --> 00:56:57,304
Hey, gang.
1117
00:56:57,305 --> 00:56:59,473
You know what would
make this great day even better?
1118
00:56:59,474 --> 00:57:00,641
What?
1119
00:57:00,642 --> 00:57:03,201
Perms for everyone!
1120
00:57:15,615 --> 00:57:18,049
Please come in and shut the door.
1121
00:57:22,330 --> 00:57:24,290
If this is about sweeps,
1122
00:57:24,291 --> 00:57:27,209
I think Brian Fantana
found an outstanding story.
1123
00:57:27,210 --> 00:57:29,503
It's about airplane parts
1124
00:57:29,504 --> 00:57:34,675
that are falling off of airplanes out of
the sky and hitting the ground, people.
1125
00:57:34,676 --> 00:57:36,760
We're calling it "Death From Above."
We might do some...
1126
00:57:36,761 --> 00:57:38,945
You. Come here.
1127
00:57:43,518 --> 00:57:45,352
I've been watching you.
1128
00:57:45,353 --> 00:57:47,287
You have?
1129
00:57:48,231 --> 00:57:50,957
I've been watching you a lot.
1130
00:57:51,651 --> 00:57:53,360
And you just do whatever you want.
1131
00:57:53,361 --> 00:57:56,113
Well, I'm a bit of a maverick, I guess.
1132
00:57:56,114 --> 00:57:57,948
You don't follow the format.
1133
00:57:57,949 --> 00:58:02,870
You pretty much walk around
like you're king of the world.
1134
00:58:02,871 --> 00:58:06,123
I'm just a worker bee. Thaťs all I am.
1135
00:58:06,124 --> 00:58:08,600
- You know what?
- What?
1136
00:58:12,923 --> 00:58:15,090
I find it hot as shit!
1137
00:58:15,091 --> 00:58:16,967
Are you going to hurt me?
1138
00:58:16,968 --> 00:58:18,510
Here's the thing, Mr. Burgundy.
1139
00:58:18,511 --> 00:58:21,722
You're a shooting star
and I want to go for a ride.
1140
00:58:21,723 --> 00:58:23,557
God, I'm so afraid right now.
1141
00:58:23,558 --> 00:58:26,201
Now, I want to hear you meow like a cat.
1142
00:58:30,023 --> 00:58:31,899
Now, I want you to bark like a dog.
1143
00:58:31,900 --> 00:58:34,376
Bark. Bark. Bark!
1144
00:58:34,444 --> 00:58:36,670
Like a puppy. Like a puppy.
1145
00:58:41,451 --> 00:58:43,593
Yeah. Come on! Do it!
1146
00:58:46,748 --> 00:58:48,890
Don't cry.
1147
00:58:49,834 --> 00:58:53,812
It's sexual and yet frightening.
It's an odd mixture.
1148
00:58:54,047 --> 00:58:55,689
Come in.
1149
00:58:56,091 --> 00:58:57,424
Linda.
1150
00:58:57,425 --> 00:58:59,760
Excuse me, Linda.
1151
00:58:59,761 --> 00:59:01,971
Ron, Jack wants to know
1152
00:59:01,972 --> 00:59:05,432
if he can go back to calling himself
Jack Lime instead of Jack Lame.
1153
00:59:05,433 --> 00:59:07,059
He's really struggling with it.
1154
00:59:07,060 --> 00:59:09,812
No. Can't. It's a bet.
1155
00:59:09,813 --> 00:59:11,438
Jesus!
1156
00:59:11,439 --> 00:59:13,524
If you want to change it, you can.
1157
00:59:13,525 --> 00:59:14,733
Like what?
1158
00:59:14,734 --> 00:59:15,901
Art Areola.
1159
00:59:15,902 --> 00:59:18,570
No! No, thaťs worse!
You know iťs worse!
1160
00:59:18,571 --> 00:59:20,990
How about this one?
You can call yourself Dick Fuck.
1161
00:59:20,991 --> 00:59:23,158
Spell it P-H-U-C.
1162
00:59:23,159 --> 00:59:25,285
You'll be huge
in the Vietnamese community.
1163
00:59:25,286 --> 00:59:26,370
Freddie, I can't.
1164
00:59:26,371 --> 00:59:29,848
Listen to me, Burgundy.
This is far from over, do you hear me?
1165
00:59:30,083 --> 00:59:32,767
I'll see you on the playground.
1166
00:59:35,213 --> 00:59:37,147
Well.
1167
00:59:37,966 --> 00:59:43,087
This meeting has been very productive.
1168
00:59:43,972 --> 00:59:46,223
You can pick me up at 8:00.
1169
00:59:46,224 --> 00:59:51,161
Okay, I'm very confused
by whaťs going on here.
1170
00:59:51,521 --> 00:59:53,246
Get out!
1171
01:00:02,574 --> 01:00:03,741
Ron.
1172
01:00:03,742 --> 01:00:09,038
Ron, you are missing some real
high-quality Garfield laughs over here!
1173
01:00:09,039 --> 01:00:10,914
I think our boss just raped me.
1174
01:00:10,915 --> 01:00:12,082
What?
1175
01:00:12,083 --> 01:00:13,792
I don't know what happened.
1176
01:00:13,793 --> 01:00:15,586
All a bit of a blur.
1177
01:00:15,587 --> 01:00:19,298
There was hands and hair,
and breath, and lips.
1178
01:00:19,299 --> 01:00:21,008
There might have been
other people, I don't know.
1179
01:00:21,009 --> 01:00:22,384
Sounds like she wants you.
1180
01:00:22,385 --> 01:00:23,510
Hey, man.
1181
01:00:23,511 --> 01:00:25,804
Women have been all over me
since we got crazy famous.
1182
01:00:25,805 --> 01:00:29,600
Not to brag or anything, but I just gave
Florence Henderson crabs.
1183
01:00:29,601 --> 01:00:33,312
That is in no way a brag, Brian.
Thaťs horrible.
1184
01:00:33,313 --> 01:00:36,482
Hey, iťs just doing something beautiful,
that two people do.
1185
01:00:36,483 --> 01:00:38,776
Except one of them has
microscopic dust mites
1186
01:00:38,777 --> 01:00:41,153
- all over his penis and testicles.
- I'm just saying,
1187
01:00:41,154 --> 01:00:44,156
the mom of The Brady Bunch
had a fun time with you,
1188
01:00:44,157 --> 01:00:47,409
and then woke up the next day
and realized she had crabs.
1189
01:00:47,410 --> 01:00:50,287
I gave her
a whole Brady Bunch of crabs.
1190
01:00:50,288 --> 01:00:53,332
Sounds to me like iťs her fault
for being a randy gal.
1191
01:00:53,333 --> 01:00:54,750
I have a date!
1192
01:00:54,751 --> 01:00:56,168
Brick has a date?
1193
01:00:56,169 --> 01:00:57,294
Good for Brick!
1194
01:00:57,295 --> 01:00:58,545
Whaťs a date?
1195
01:00:58,546 --> 01:01:01,048
A date is simply
when two people get together,
1196
01:01:01,049 --> 01:01:03,842
do something social, have a few drinks,
yadda-yadda-yadda...
1197
01:01:03,843 --> 01:01:05,610
Take their shirts off...
1198
01:01:06,679 --> 01:01:08,514
- It's okay.
- No, iťs a fun thing.
1199
01:01:08,515 --> 01:01:09,973
It's fun. It's all right.
1200
01:01:09,974 --> 01:01:13,143
Look. Don't worry, Brick,
we got your back, okay?
1201
01:01:13,144 --> 01:01:17,372
First things first,
we need to get you a little protection.
1202
01:01:20,777 --> 01:01:22,152
There it is.
1203
01:01:22,153 --> 01:01:25,197
Brian Fantana's
glorious cabinet of condoms.
1204
01:01:25,198 --> 01:01:28,992
Brian, I know.
How about The Hooded Guest?
1205
01:01:28,993 --> 01:01:31,469
I like the cut of your jib.
1206
01:01:31,830 --> 01:01:33,664
That one is ultra-ribbed.
1207
01:01:33,665 --> 01:01:36,834
It's like you're wearing
an armadillo shell on your privates.
1208
01:01:36,835 --> 01:01:38,377
It takes two hours to get on.
1209
01:01:38,378 --> 01:01:41,046
It's hooded.
She'll never see you coming.
1210
01:01:41,047 --> 01:01:42,381
Wait, wait, wait.
1211
01:01:42,382 --> 01:01:43,799
You thinking what I'm thinking?
1212
01:01:43,800 --> 01:01:45,592
Lou Dobin's Good Time Weiner Pouch.
1213
01:01:45,593 --> 01:01:46,718
Thaťs a good one.
1214
01:01:46,719 --> 01:01:50,472
Dobin. Just a drifter
who loves to watch people have sex.
1215
01:01:50,473 --> 01:01:53,725
They're made of denim,
so they look better after each washing.
1216
01:01:53,726 --> 01:01:55,352
Talk about a great ride.
1217
01:01:55,353 --> 01:01:57,162
I think I have it.
1218
01:01:57,355 --> 01:01:58,480
Po' Boy Condom.
1219
01:01:58,481 --> 01:02:00,023
It's a terrific condom.
1220
01:02:00,024 --> 01:02:03,193
Although it does burn a bit
because iťs covered in Cajun spices.
1221
01:02:03,194 --> 01:02:05,821
Lťll put a blister on your po' boy.
1222
01:02:05,822 --> 01:02:08,198
Brian, whaťs the nickname for your
penis whenever you wear a Po' Boy?
1223
01:02:08,199 --> 01:02:09,575
Fat Tuesday.
1224
01:02:09,576 --> 01:02:12,844
Wait a minute. I've got it.
1225
01:02:13,580 --> 01:02:15,080
The Rigid Ghost.
1226
01:02:15,081 --> 01:02:17,624
It's the best damn rubber on the market.
1227
01:02:17,625 --> 01:02:21,545
I got four of my seven
illegitimate children using this condom.
1228
01:02:21,546 --> 01:02:24,548
But, Brian, isn't that the whole point
of wearing a condom?
1229
01:02:24,549 --> 01:02:26,592
To not impregnate the woman?
1230
01:02:26,593 --> 01:02:30,028
Well, you know the old expression.
"Nope."
1231
01:02:33,975 --> 01:02:35,184
Thank you, Ron,
1232
01:02:35,185 --> 01:02:39,313
and happy St. Patrick's Day
to all of our Native American friends.
1233
01:02:39,314 --> 01:02:41,206
On the big map...
1234
01:02:42,609 --> 01:02:44,250
Where's my map?
1235
01:02:44,277 --> 01:02:46,361
There's no map, iťs just green.
1236
01:02:46,362 --> 01:02:48,614
No, there's a map there.
Look at the monitor.
1237
01:02:48,615 --> 01:02:51,033
Right.
1238
01:02:51,034 --> 01:02:52,576
Ron, where's my legs?
1239
01:02:52,577 --> 01:02:54,411
- Where are my legs?
- Your legs are there.
1240
01:02:54,412 --> 01:02:56,163
I don't have any legs, Ron.
1241
01:02:56,164 --> 01:02:59,057
I don't even know how I'm standing up.
1242
01:03:00,460 --> 01:03:02,127
Brick, your legs are fine.
1243
01:03:02,128 --> 01:03:04,796
The color of your pants just matches...
1244
01:03:04,797 --> 01:03:06,590
Ron, I don't have any legs!
1245
01:03:06,591 --> 01:03:07,758
The Chroma-Key behind you.
1246
01:03:07,759 --> 01:03:12,304
Ninety-three?
1247
01:03:12,305 --> 01:03:14,072
Relax.
1248
01:03:17,602 --> 01:03:20,604
And after I received my
Masters in Journalism from Columbia,
1249
01:03:20,605 --> 01:03:24,316
I got a job with the London bureau
for ABC News.
1250
01:03:24,317 --> 01:03:25,692
London.
1251
01:03:25,693 --> 01:03:30,739
You're so impressive, and I've
only been out of the United States twice.
1252
01:03:30,740 --> 01:03:32,324
A handful of times in Mexico,
1253
01:03:32,325 --> 01:03:37,079
and then the second time I left the
country, we went to Salem, Oregon.
1254
01:03:37,080 --> 01:03:38,747
Mr. Burgundy, are you nervous?
1255
01:03:38,748 --> 01:03:39,998
God, yes.
1256
01:03:39,999 --> 01:03:42,417
Did I scare you by coming on so strong?
1257
01:03:42,418 --> 01:03:44,086
A little bit, sure.
1258
01:03:44,087 --> 01:03:46,338
Look, iťs not that you're not attractive...
1259
01:03:46,339 --> 01:03:48,632
It's just I'm a little old-fashioned.
1260
01:03:48,633 --> 01:03:51,760
Well, I am a modern woman.
1261
01:03:51,761 --> 01:03:56,223
And let me tell you, when I
see something that I want, I go for it.
1262
01:03:56,224 --> 01:03:58,449
Can I ask you a question?
1263
01:03:59,018 --> 01:04:01,645
Is that your foot between my legs?
1264
01:04:01,646 --> 01:04:02,854
No.
1265
01:04:02,855 --> 01:04:05,373
I'm sorry.
1266
01:04:05,650 --> 01:04:07,234
It was my hand.
1267
01:04:07,235 --> 01:04:08,443
So...
1268
01:04:08,444 --> 01:04:10,028
We're going to do this, aren't we?
1269
01:04:10,029 --> 01:04:13,782
We most definitely are gonna do this.
1270
01:04:13,783 --> 01:04:19,329
I feel a little awkward, because
I'm about to have sex with a black lady!
1271
01:04:19,330 --> 01:04:21,581
I'm sorry! I'm sorry.
1272
01:04:21,582 --> 01:04:24,793
Thaťs not the way
I like to handle my business.
1273
01:04:24,794 --> 01:04:29,172
When I get nervous, I sometimes
lose control of the volume of my voice.
1274
01:04:29,173 --> 01:04:33,135
Well, I don't mind,
because I am going to have you tonight.
1275
01:04:33,136 --> 01:04:36,905
Then leťs leave
and go have interracial sex!
1276
01:04:38,141 --> 01:04:39,991
Sorry.
1277
01:05:20,266 --> 01:05:23,268
This is the nicest soda machine
anyone's ever taken me to.
1278
01:05:23,269 --> 01:05:26,955
The beauty of this soda machine
pales in comparison to your beauty.
1279
01:05:32,945 --> 01:05:34,946
Can I ask you a personal question?
1280
01:05:34,947 --> 01:05:36,907
I'm not sure what that is, but yes.
1281
01:05:36,908 --> 01:05:39,217
Have you ever kissed anyone?
1282
01:05:39,369 --> 01:05:43,179
Do faces on the TV screen and
Planet of the Apes action figures count?
1283
01:05:43,289 --> 01:05:44,623
Of course.
1284
01:05:44,624 --> 01:05:46,208
Then, yes.
1285
01:05:46,209 --> 01:05:49,519
I have kissed
Angie Dickinson and Dr. Zaius.
1286
01:05:50,254 --> 01:05:52,506
I've only kissed people in my dreams.
1287
01:05:52,507 --> 01:05:57,928
So, I've only kissed a tiny dragon
and a woman with her hair on fire.
1288
01:05:57,929 --> 01:06:02,808
I don't have a lot of experience
with kissing, but I do know one thing...
1289
01:06:02,809 --> 01:06:05,118
Always get your teeth involved.
1290
01:06:05,228 --> 01:06:08,955
I think I'm ready
to maybe try that kiss thing now.
1291
01:06:45,435 --> 01:06:47,577
Hello, Ms. Jackson.
1292
01:06:47,687 --> 01:06:49,271
I didn't mean to scare you.
1293
01:06:49,272 --> 01:06:52,232
Mr. Allenby, I wasn't expecting you to...
1294
01:06:52,233 --> 01:06:54,959
Yeah, no, I know. Neither was I.
1295
01:06:55,361 --> 01:06:57,028
But then I heard about this little story
1296
01:06:57,029 --> 01:07:00,240
that Ron Burgundy and Brian Fantana
are running.
1297
01:07:00,241 --> 01:07:02,367
You see,
some of the planes from my airline
1298
01:07:02,368 --> 01:07:04,703
have had parts falling off them lately.
1299
01:07:04,704 --> 01:07:06,621
Is it a problem? Yeah.
1300
01:07:06,622 --> 01:07:09,875
Is it being fixed? I don't know, probably.
1301
01:07:09,876 --> 01:07:13,879
But if that story runs,
then Koala stock will plummet.
1302
01:07:13,880 --> 01:07:17,007
We can't just pull the story.
That would be unethical.
1303
01:07:17,008 --> 01:07:20,594
We own the news.
We can do whatever we want.
1304
01:07:20,595 --> 01:07:22,679
Thaťs one of the perks.
1305
01:07:22,680 --> 01:07:26,949
It's called "synergy."
One company working with another.
1306
01:07:29,896 --> 01:07:31,954
To synergy.
1307
01:07:39,614 --> 01:07:42,491
You seem a little quiet, I must say.
1308
01:07:42,492 --> 01:07:46,803
Just so you know, I'm absolutely fine
with going to this family dinner.
1309
01:07:46,913 --> 01:07:49,180
They're going to love you.
1310
01:07:49,582 --> 01:07:52,350
This is delicious!
1311
01:07:53,711 --> 01:07:55,311
So...
1312
01:07:55,379 --> 01:07:57,380
How long
have you and Linda been dating?
1313
01:07:57,381 --> 01:07:59,023
Mother.
1314
01:07:59,592 --> 01:08:02,360
No, iťs all right. It's a logical question.
1315
01:08:03,387 --> 01:08:08,282
Ours is a new love,
but it burns very brightly.
1316
01:08:08,643 --> 01:08:12,646
And it gets hot and sweaty and stanky.
1317
01:08:12,647 --> 01:08:15,440
There's some stank on that love.
1318
01:08:15,441 --> 01:08:17,025
What are you talking about?
1319
01:08:17,026 --> 01:08:19,736
Leťs put it this way,
I be busting nuts like a squirrel.
1320
01:08:19,737 --> 01:08:22,489
Now, we don't have
conversations like that over dinner.
1321
01:08:22,490 --> 01:08:23,573
What are you doing?
1322
01:08:23,574 --> 01:08:26,534
I'm addressing
the white elephant in the room.
1323
01:08:26,535 --> 01:08:29,704
I'm breaking down the barriers
of race by assimilation.
1324
01:08:29,705 --> 01:08:32,207
- Thaťs all I'm doing.
- Well, you're coming off like a jerk.
1325
01:08:32,208 --> 01:08:33,875
I think iťs going well.
1326
01:08:33,876 --> 01:08:37,045
If you haven't noticed,
we don't converse like that.
1327
01:08:37,046 --> 01:08:39,256
Okay, okay.
1328
01:08:39,257 --> 01:08:41,132
Look at big papa down here.
1329
01:08:41,133 --> 01:08:43,468
He's saying to himself,
"Shit! Look at this honky.
1330
01:08:43,469 --> 01:08:47,764
"Sittin' at my table, eatin' my food.
In my house? Touching my daughter?"
1331
01:08:47,765 --> 01:08:48,807
I have.
1332
01:08:48,808 --> 01:08:50,517
- I have touched your daughter.
- Honey!
1333
01:08:50,518 --> 01:08:52,310
We have done things, Papa.
1334
01:08:52,311 --> 01:08:55,146
You ain't gonna like.
You ain't gonna like it none!
1335
01:08:55,147 --> 01:08:56,773
Oh, my goodness!
1336
01:08:56,774 --> 01:09:01,152
I mean, I'm just a guy
from Terre Haute, Indiana
1337
01:09:01,153 --> 01:09:06,574
with a big o I' dick and a fat wallet
and a spleef the size of a baby arm.
1338
01:09:06,575 --> 01:09:08,660
Just looking for someone
who wants to smoke it.
1339
01:09:08,661 --> 01:09:10,495
Leťs get some smoke
going in this place, right?
1340
01:09:10,496 --> 01:09:13,431
This ain't no Super Fly.
What is your problem, man?
1341
01:09:14,959 --> 01:09:18,670
Linda, I don't understand
what you are doing with him.
1342
01:09:18,671 --> 01:09:22,257
You know what I'm comin' at you with,
you big black mother of Linda.
1343
01:09:22,258 --> 01:09:23,967
Mix it up in a pot!
1344
01:09:23,968 --> 01:09:26,511
- Makin' it spicy!
- Oh, my Lord.
1345
01:09:26,512 --> 01:09:29,180
- Hey.
- In the back, cooking up chitlins.
1346
01:09:29,181 --> 01:09:31,683
Big o I' titties. Big o I' titties.
1347
01:09:31,684 --> 01:09:33,351
Excuse me?
1348
01:09:33,352 --> 01:09:35,020
- Thaťs my mama, man.
- Hey.
1349
01:09:35,021 --> 01:09:37,063
Wave your hands in the air.
1350
01:09:37,064 --> 01:09:39,357
Wave your hands in the air
like you just don't care.
1351
01:09:39,358 --> 01:09:41,417
Please, don't do this.
1352
01:09:41,759 --> 01:09:43,403
Now, which one of you
pipe-hittin' bitches
1353
01:09:43,404 --> 01:09:45,284
can pass me the mashed potatoes?
1354
01:09:45,656 --> 01:09:47,741
I don't think
that dinner coulďve gone any better.
1355
01:09:47,742 --> 01:09:49,200
Are you nuts?
1356
01:09:49,201 --> 01:09:52,345
No, I'm not! I had a wonderful evening!
1357
01:09:52,413 --> 01:09:54,456
My dad was kicking you in the head!
1358
01:09:54,457 --> 01:09:57,375
I thought it was like
being jumped into a gang.
1359
01:09:57,376 --> 01:09:58,918
Only with dinner guests!
1360
01:09:58,919 --> 01:10:01,463
You called my family
"pipe-hittin' bitches"!
1361
01:10:01,464 --> 01:10:06,359
I hate to pin it on you,
but you did invite me to dinner.
1362
01:10:06,469 --> 01:10:07,802
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
1363
01:10:07,803 --> 01:10:09,763
- No, I'm sorry.
- I just...
1364
01:10:09,764 --> 01:10:13,433
I'm just under a lot of stress
because Allenby,
1365
01:10:13,434 --> 01:10:17,161
he doesn't want you to do
the story that you're doing for sweeps.
1366
01:10:17,229 --> 01:10:18,271
"Death From Above."
1367
01:10:18,272 --> 01:10:19,939
It's an excellent story.
Wonderful exposé.
1368
01:10:19,940 --> 01:10:22,041
Listen, Ron.
1369
01:10:22,610 --> 01:10:25,211
Have you ever heard of synergy?
1370
01:10:30,618 --> 01:10:35,429
So your mom thought we should
get together, spend a little time.
1371
01:10:35,748 --> 01:10:39,976
She doesn't think
I connect with you as a child.
1372
01:10:40,753 --> 01:10:43,562
Can you believe that bullshit?
1373
01:10:44,965 --> 01:10:46,674
This is hard.
1374
01:10:46,675 --> 01:10:50,444
Things you say to a 6-year-old...
1375
01:10:51,680 --> 01:10:53,890
Guess what?
I slept with a black woman.
1376
01:10:53,891 --> 01:10:55,892
- What?
- Nothing.
1377
01:10:55,893 --> 01:10:58,353
Dad, do you like Spider-Man?
1378
01:10:58,354 --> 01:11:02,065
Nope. Don't care for him. Never have.
1379
01:11:02,066 --> 01:11:06,027
Don't like the mask, the costume,
the get-up, the webs.
1380
01:11:06,028 --> 01:11:09,239
He comes off like a real dickhead.
Real poser.
1381
01:11:09,240 --> 01:11:10,782
Whaťs a poser?
1382
01:11:10,783 --> 01:11:15,745
A poser is Gary. Thaťs what a poser is.
1383
01:11:15,746 --> 01:11:17,705
By the way, how is that shitheel?
1384
01:11:17,706 --> 01:11:19,249
Whaťs a shitheel?
1385
01:11:19,250 --> 01:11:21,835
A shitheel is a real fun term
1386
01:11:21,836 --> 01:11:24,129
that you should call Gary
every time you see him.
1387
01:11:24,130 --> 01:11:28,133
When he wakes you up for breakfast,
say, "Good morning, shitheel."
1388
01:11:28,134 --> 01:11:30,593
He'll probably give you
$5 or some candy.
1389
01:11:30,594 --> 01:11:32,720
- Does that sound good?
- Yeah.
1390
01:11:32,721 --> 01:11:34,973
You're a shitheel, Dad.
1391
01:11:34,974 --> 01:11:36,057
Good.
1392
01:11:36,058 --> 01:11:39,686
You should just call Gary that.
'Cause it makes him really happy.
1393
01:11:39,687 --> 01:11:43,247
It makes me sort of happy,
but it makes him really happy.
1394
01:11:43,274 --> 01:11:45,316
Dad.
1395
01:11:45,317 --> 01:11:48,695
Sometimes I hear sounds at night
and I get scared.
1396
01:11:48,696 --> 01:11:51,573
I think there's a ghost in my closet.
1397
01:11:51,574 --> 01:11:53,324
Now, you listen to me, son.
1398
01:11:53,325 --> 01:11:57,704
There is no such thing as ghosts.
Case closed.
1399
01:11:57,705 --> 01:11:59,414
So whaťs real thaťs scary?
1400
01:11:59,415 --> 01:12:02,750
You really want to know
the one thing you should be afraid of?
1401
01:12:02,751 --> 01:12:04,878
Yes, I really do.
1402
01:12:04,879 --> 01:12:06,004
Voodoo.
1403
01:12:06,005 --> 01:12:08,214
- Voodoo?
- Yes, voodoo.
1404
01:12:08,215 --> 01:12:10,383
That shit will mess you up.
1405
01:12:10,384 --> 01:12:13,344
And it is 100% real.
1406
01:12:13,345 --> 01:12:16,764
Promise me that you'll never go to Haiti.
1407
01:12:16,765 --> 01:12:18,391
I promise, Dad.
1408
01:12:18,392 --> 01:12:20,727
This was good.
I enjoyed spending time with you.
1409
01:12:20,728 --> 01:12:21,936
Me, too, Dad.
1410
01:12:21,937 --> 01:12:24,397
And hey.
Do you want to go to Haiti sometime?
1411
01:12:24,398 --> 01:12:26,482
- No.
- Good. Good.
1412
01:12:26,483 --> 01:12:28,484
What did you tell him?
1413
01:12:28,485 --> 01:12:30,236
I didn't tell him anything.
1414
01:12:30,237 --> 01:12:32,614
He hasn't slept for four days, Ron!
1415
01:12:32,615 --> 01:12:35,617
Everywhere we go,
he asks me if we're going to Haiti!
1416
01:12:35,618 --> 01:12:36,910
What does that even mean?
1417
01:12:36,911 --> 01:12:41,915
I am so sick and tired that you've
sheltered him from the evils of voodoo.
1418
01:12:41,916 --> 01:12:44,834
You need to learn to
connect with him in a healthy way!
1419
01:12:44,835 --> 01:12:47,045
Let me ask you something,
and I'm not trying to be funny here.
1420
01:12:47,046 --> 01:12:49,839
Are you sure he's not a midget
with a learning disability?
1421
01:12:49,840 --> 01:12:53,092
He is seven years old, Ron.
1422
01:12:53,093 --> 01:12:54,761
- All right.
- Now listen to me.
1423
01:12:54,762 --> 01:12:59,849
He has a science fair tomorrow, at 8:00,
and he wants you to be there.
1424
01:12:59,850 --> 01:13:02,602
I will be there. All right?
1425
01:13:02,603 --> 01:13:04,145
Now, who do you have
for sweeps week?
1426
01:13:04,146 --> 01:13:06,439
I'm not discussing work with you,
Ron, okay?
1427
01:13:06,440 --> 01:13:09,150
Just be there
at the science fair tomorrow.
1428
01:13:09,151 --> 01:13:10,751
Fine!
1429
01:13:11,195 --> 01:13:13,279
Well, they're calling it
the interview of the decade.
1430
01:13:13,280 --> 01:13:16,157
Veronica Corningstone
will sit down with Yasser Arafat.
1431
01:13:16,158 --> 01:13:17,242
Yasser who?
1432
01:13:17,243 --> 01:13:19,911
The head of the PLO and some say
the key to peace in the Middle East.
1433
01:13:19,912 --> 01:13:23,998
Of course, Ms. Corningstone
is the ex-wife of Ron Burgundy,
1434
01:13:23,999 --> 01:13:26,584
so you know thaťs got to be
a little stinger for Ronny.
1435
01:13:26,585 --> 01:13:28,503
Tony Danza's scrotum!
1436
01:13:28,504 --> 01:13:30,922
Well, thaťll do it
for all of us here at GNN.
1437
01:13:30,923 --> 01:13:34,259
Thank God for the events,
thank me for the news.
1438
01:13:34,260 --> 01:13:36,360
I'm Dick Phuk.
1439
01:13:39,223 --> 01:13:43,101
We're going to get crushed in ratings.
Just crushed.
1440
01:13:43,102 --> 01:13:45,812
I really thought
we had a chance this time.
1441
01:13:45,813 --> 01:13:48,706
What about my
"Death From Above" story?
1442
01:13:49,233 --> 01:13:52,501
You better ask Ron about that.
1443
01:13:52,861 --> 01:13:54,404
We're pulling that story, Brian.
1444
01:13:54,405 --> 01:13:57,323
What? Why?
I worked hard on that story.
1445
01:13:57,324 --> 01:14:00,827
It was my call, all right, Brian?
Just let it go. It's synergy.
1446
01:14:00,828 --> 01:14:01,995
What does that mean?
1447
01:14:01,996 --> 01:14:03,663
Take it easy, Ron.
1448
01:14:03,664 --> 01:14:05,331
We got further
than anybody thought we would.
1449
01:14:05,332 --> 01:14:06,416
We'll get 'em next time.
1450
01:14:06,417 --> 01:14:09,627
You take it easy!
I'm not in this to finish second!
1451
01:14:09,628 --> 01:14:11,296
I think Champ is just saying...
1452
01:14:11,297 --> 01:14:14,674
I know what he was trying to say,
Brian, okay?
1453
01:14:14,675 --> 01:14:17,510
And it doesn't surprise me
that you guys don't care.
1454
01:14:17,511 --> 01:14:20,738
Leťs face it,
I'm the one who gets the ratings.
1455
01:14:20,931 --> 01:14:23,866
I'm starting to wonder
what you clowns actually do.
1456
01:14:24,018 --> 01:14:27,103
Chani likes clowns.
Except for the scary ones.
1457
01:14:27,104 --> 01:14:28,688
Shut up, Brick!
1458
01:14:28,689 --> 01:14:31,290
Just shut up for once!
1459
01:14:31,442 --> 01:14:34,694
Ron yelled at me.
1460
01:14:34,695 --> 01:14:36,656
You're damn right I yelled at you!
1461
01:14:39,825 --> 01:14:42,160
You don't yell at Brick.
1462
01:14:42,161 --> 01:14:44,078
Are you still smoking crack?
1463
01:14:44,079 --> 01:14:46,013
No.
1464
01:14:46,165 --> 01:14:48,599
I only smoked crack that one time.
1465
01:14:49,126 --> 01:14:52,503
Thaťs a lie. I've done it six more times.
1466
01:14:52,504 --> 01:14:54,480
You made Brick cry.
1467
01:14:55,549 --> 01:14:58,609
You've gone ratings crazy, Ron.
1468
01:14:59,678 --> 01:15:02,680
But seriously,
do you have any more of that crack left?
1469
01:15:02,681 --> 01:15:04,448
You know what, Ron?
1470
01:15:04,475 --> 01:15:06,851
We're a news team,
and thaťs a bond for life.
1471
01:15:06,852 --> 01:15:08,728
But I don't like the man you've become.
1472
01:15:08,729 --> 01:15:10,605
You know, we were happy
when you found us.
1473
01:15:10,606 --> 01:15:11,856
Right?
1474
01:15:11,857 --> 01:15:13,566
I was taking pictures of pussies,
1475
01:15:13,567 --> 01:15:16,527
Champ was serving bats to people,
and Brick was dead.
1476
01:15:16,528 --> 01:15:19,489
We took a gamble.
Took a gamble to follow you here.
1477
01:15:19,490 --> 01:15:21,574
But I'm starting to realize,
this was all about you,
1478
01:15:21,575 --> 01:15:23,409
and beating Veronica
at all costs.
1479
01:15:23,410 --> 01:15:25,411
Had nothing to do with the news,
nothing to do with the team.
1480
01:15:25,412 --> 01:15:26,496
Brian, don't.
1481
01:15:26,497 --> 01:15:28,081
You know,
I might not be the smartest guy,
1482
01:15:28,082 --> 01:15:30,583
but I know a thing or two
about a thing or two.
1483
01:15:30,584 --> 01:15:32,877
I know that if you're
pleasuring a woman down south,
1484
01:15:32,878 --> 01:15:34,837
you use your tongue
to spell out the alphabet.
1485
01:15:34,838 --> 01:15:38,091
Around the bubble. Around her bubble.
1486
01:15:38,092 --> 01:15:40,968
- The vulva!
- The Volvo.
1487
01:15:40,969 --> 01:15:44,514
I know that "synergy"
is a completely made-up word.
1488
01:15:44,515 --> 01:15:47,683
I know that washing your hands
is for nerds.
1489
01:15:47,684 --> 01:15:49,727
Especially if you don't mind pinkeye.
1490
01:15:49,728 --> 01:15:55,483
And I know that, no matter what,
you always stand by your friends.
1491
01:15:55,484 --> 01:15:58,502
You'll have to excuse me, Brian.
1492
01:15:58,529 --> 01:16:04,842
I've got a sore back from carrying
your ass around for the last 15 years.
1493
01:16:05,160 --> 01:16:06,953
You know what, Burgundy?
1494
01:16:06,954 --> 01:16:10,039
I think your mouth
is writing checks that your body isn't...
1495
01:16:10,040 --> 01:16:12,808
Can't even... Do anything with.
1496
01:16:18,590 --> 01:16:21,984
Fine, go! I don't need you!
1497
01:16:22,010 --> 01:16:24,820
I'll do the news by myself!
1498
01:16:29,017 --> 01:16:31,978
Tonight I interview Yasser Arafat...
1499
01:16:31,979 --> 01:16:34,659
- This is terrible.
...the secretive head of the PLO.
1500
01:16:34,690 --> 01:16:37,374
- We're on in 20, Ron, 20.
- All right.
1501
01:16:37,526 --> 01:16:39,110
You ready?
1502
01:16:39,111 --> 01:16:40,987
Whaťs that?
1503
01:16:40,988 --> 01:16:42,196
Thaťs nothing.
1504
01:16:42,197 --> 01:16:46,258
It's just a car chase
on the satellite feed from Milwaukee.
1505
01:16:46,743 --> 01:16:48,578
You know what?
1506
01:16:48,579 --> 01:16:51,122
Give it to me live to start the broadcast.
1507
01:16:51,123 --> 01:16:53,833
No. Thaťs not news, Ron.
1508
01:16:53,834 --> 01:16:55,793
Give it to me live, okay?
1509
01:16:55,794 --> 01:16:57,420
And don't question me again.
1510
01:16:57,421 --> 01:16:58,462
Bill!
1511
01:16:58,463 --> 01:17:00,923
- Now to you, the modern viewer...
- Here we go.
1512
01:17:00,924 --> 01:17:03,551
... reporting on a car chase
may seem commonplace...
1513
01:17:03,552 --> 01:17:07,013
- Three, two...
...but in 1980, it was unheard of.
1514
01:17:07,014 --> 01:17:11,142
Good evening. I'm Ron Burgundy,
reporting live from New York.
1515
01:17:11,143 --> 01:17:14,770
We have breaking news
developing in our nation's heartland.
1516
01:17:14,771 --> 01:17:18,482
A high-speed car chase is in progress...
1517
01:17:18,483 --> 01:17:21,152
Keep the "Breaking News" logo.
Keep up the graphics.
1518
01:17:21,153 --> 01:17:22,236
Reaching speeds of 100 miles per hour.
1519
01:17:22,237 --> 01:17:26,157
And for the first time in news history,
we will stay with it live
1520
01:17:26,158 --> 01:17:29,827
until it resolves in either
a huge accident or a massive shootout.
1521
01:17:29,828 --> 01:17:30,912
Richard!
1522
01:17:30,913 --> 01:17:34,515
Hurry. Get in here!
There's a car chase on the news!
1523
01:17:35,042 --> 01:17:37,168
When is Dad gonna be here?
1524
01:17:37,169 --> 01:17:38,878
He'll be here.
1525
01:17:38,879 --> 01:17:40,087
Are you a little upset?
1526
01:17:40,088 --> 01:17:45,468
Do you want to do that thing where
we sort of talk about our feelings?
1527
01:17:45,469 --> 01:17:47,637
- Oh, God, no.
- Okay.
1528
01:17:47,638 --> 01:17:51,807
This is the pulse of whaťs going on
in our country right now.
1529
01:17:51,808 --> 01:17:53,142
Freddie, whaťs going on?
1530
01:17:53,143 --> 01:17:55,269
Why is there
a local car chase on the TV?
1531
01:17:55,270 --> 01:17:56,938
It's Burgundy. He insisted!
1532
01:17:56,939 --> 01:17:58,814
Can't you see what
the son of a bitch is doing?
1533
01:17:58,815 --> 01:18:00,524
We didn't have a story, so he made one.
1534
01:18:00,525 --> 01:18:02,276
You can't do that!
1535
01:18:02,277 --> 01:18:04,237
Tell Ron to speculate
who's driving the car.
1536
01:18:04,238 --> 01:18:07,490
Ron, speculate on who's driving the car.
1537
01:18:07,491 --> 01:18:11,369
We believe the driver may be on drugs.
1538
01:18:11,370 --> 01:18:13,996
He's probably 6'7 ", 6'8".
1539
01:18:13,997 --> 01:18:16,666
But a skinny 6'7 ", 6'8". About 160.
1540
01:18:16,667 --> 01:18:19,001
He may have a hostage or two.
1541
01:18:19,002 --> 01:18:21,170
We don't know. He could have...
1542
01:18:21,171 --> 01:18:24,090
The phone lines are lighting up.
It's about the chase!
1543
01:18:24,091 --> 01:18:25,800
I've never seen anything like it!
1544
01:18:25,801 --> 01:18:29,053
Mr. Arafat, is there any scenario
1545
01:18:29,054 --> 01:18:31,555
by which peace
could be reached with Israel?
1546
01:18:31,556 --> 01:18:33,975
Peace is what burns in my heart.
I am committed to...
1547
01:18:33,976 --> 01:18:35,576
What was... Excuse me.
1548
01:18:35,644 --> 01:18:37,478
What happened to the...
1549
01:18:37,479 --> 01:18:39,230
The network cut to
another developing story.
1550
01:18:39,231 --> 01:18:41,232
Some kind of crazy car chase.
1551
01:18:41,233 --> 01:18:43,442
Who covers a car chase?
1552
01:18:43,443 --> 01:18:48,114
I am sitting here with the most important
interview of my entire career,
1553
01:18:48,115 --> 01:18:49,865
and they're cutting to a car chase?
1554
01:18:49,866 --> 01:18:51,450
I would like to watch the car chase.
1555
01:18:51,451 --> 01:18:52,785
You need to shut your mouth.
1556
01:18:52,786 --> 01:18:54,161
This is extremely gripping.
1557
01:18:54,162 --> 01:18:56,914
He just hit a car! He just hit a car!
1558
01:18:56,915 --> 01:18:58,207
He hit a car! Did you see that?
1559
01:18:58,208 --> 01:18:59,808
He hit a car!
1560
01:19:00,377 --> 01:19:01,919
- He hit the car!
- He hit the car!
1561
01:19:01,920 --> 01:19:04,563
When did the news get awesome?
1562
01:19:04,840 --> 01:19:06,882
And he just loses it!
1563
01:19:06,883 --> 01:19:10,444
Thaťs exactly what we needed.
It was getting a little boring...
1564
01:19:13,348 --> 01:19:15,808
Hey. You did a great job.
1565
01:19:15,809 --> 01:19:17,852
Thanks, Gary.
1566
01:19:17,853 --> 01:19:19,395
I don't think your daďs coming.
1567
01:19:19,396 --> 01:19:21,914
I'm sorry, honey,
but I think we need to go.
1568
01:19:22,899 --> 01:19:25,626
Stop reading my mind!
1569
01:19:25,694 --> 01:19:27,502
All right.
1570
01:19:31,074 --> 01:19:33,675
I mean, this is what I worry about.
1571
01:19:34,786 --> 01:19:38,164
- Did you do that with your mind?
- No.
1572
01:19:38,165 --> 01:19:39,498
Liar.
1573
01:19:39,499 --> 01:19:44,045
We're just getting word that police
have finally apprehended the suspect.
1574
01:19:44,046 --> 01:19:48,841
It turns out that he is
an elderly gentleman, he's 80 years old,
1575
01:19:48,842 --> 01:19:50,926
- and he was simply confused.
- Unbelievable.
1576
01:19:50,927 --> 01:19:52,595
I'm Ron Burgundy.
1577
01:19:52,596 --> 01:19:57,407
Don't just have a great night,
have an American night.
1578
01:19:58,602 --> 01:20:00,686
And we are clear!
1579
01:20:00,687 --> 01:20:02,229
Yes!
1580
01:20:02,230 --> 01:20:03,356
Great!
1581
01:20:03,357 --> 01:20:04,774
All right!
1582
01:20:04,775 --> 01:20:06,859
I don't believe it! You did it, Ron!
1583
01:20:06,860 --> 01:20:09,711
Oh, my goodness. Thanks, Freddie.
1584
01:20:10,238 --> 01:20:11,989
I don't deserve this.
1585
01:20:11,990 --> 01:20:14,633
It was a team effort. It really was.
1586
01:20:22,876 --> 01:20:24,919
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
1587
01:20:24,920 --> 01:20:30,007
we all know there's one reason
that GNN has gotten to the top.
1588
01:20:30,008 --> 01:20:33,636
And that reason is the greatest
bloody newsman in the world.
1589
01:20:33,637 --> 01:20:35,471
Long may he reign!
1590
01:20:35,472 --> 01:20:37,114
Mr. Ron Burgundy!
1591
01:20:37,349 --> 01:20:40,200
Yeah, Ron! Yeah!
1592
01:20:47,776 --> 01:20:50,043
Fire it up, Ronny!
1593
01:21:13,385 --> 01:21:14,677
Leťs blaze.
1594
01:21:14,678 --> 01:21:17,946
Yeah. To hell with Ron Burgundy.
1595
01:21:18,640 --> 01:21:21,241
We did it, my onyx hellion.
1596
01:21:23,145 --> 01:21:24,745
You're magic!
1597
01:21:26,481 --> 01:21:29,416
Ron, you should see what you're doing!
1598
01:21:45,167 --> 01:21:47,293
In the myth of Icarus,
1599
01:21:47,294 --> 01:21:51,422
Icarus, full of the folly
that comes with pride, flew too high
1600
01:21:51,423 --> 01:21:53,440
and the sun melted his wings.
1601
01:21:54,509 --> 01:21:59,013
Burgundy's fame was bigger
than he ever imagined.
1602
01:21:59,014 --> 01:22:01,740
And the fall was dizzying.
1603
01:22:09,441 --> 01:22:11,358
Oh, my God, Ronny!
1604
01:22:11,359 --> 01:22:12,735
Ron!
1605
01:22:12,736 --> 01:22:14,570
- Open the bloody gate.
- Will somebody call an ambulance?
1606
01:22:14,571 --> 01:22:17,464
Do not die in front of us!
1607
01:22:17,866 --> 01:22:21,134
Do not die in front of us!
1608
01:22:22,496 --> 01:22:24,205
Stay classy, Ron Burgundy.
1609
01:22:24,206 --> 01:22:26,640
Somebody call an ambulance!
1610
01:22:37,719 --> 01:22:39,470
Damn it, Milton, what is it?
1611
01:22:39,471 --> 01:22:41,613
Well, Ron...
1612
01:22:42,974 --> 01:22:45,559
It looks as if both optic nerves
1613
01:22:45,560 --> 01:22:48,812
are separated from
their respective corneas.
1614
01:22:48,813 --> 01:22:51,398
- What?
- No other way to put this, but...
1615
01:22:51,399 --> 01:22:52,483
You're blind.
1616
01:22:52,484 --> 01:22:54,902
Milton, I'm an anchorman.
1617
01:22:54,903 --> 01:22:59,031
I read the news off the teleprompter.
It's what I do!
1618
01:22:59,032 --> 01:23:00,491
How will I live?
1619
01:23:00,492 --> 01:23:03,577
I'm no career counselor,
but there are many things you can do.
1620
01:23:03,578 --> 01:23:05,788
Be an oracle, or a mystic.
1621
01:23:05,789 --> 01:23:07,456
Clearly, there must be something
1622
01:23:07,457 --> 01:23:10,751
in this new-fangled office
of yours that can help me!
1623
01:23:10,752 --> 01:23:12,628
- Settle down.
- There's got to be something in here!
1624
01:23:12,629 --> 01:23:14,312
Settle down!
1625
01:23:14,422 --> 01:23:16,898
Zombies! Zombies!
1626
01:23:18,677 --> 01:23:22,028
If you get my hands on me, I'll kill you.
1627
01:23:22,430 --> 01:23:24,139
The world of the blind.
1628
01:23:24,140 --> 01:23:28,269
Ron Burgundy, a man who had
flourished in a visual medium,
1629
01:23:28,270 --> 01:23:31,939
had forever entered
this realm of darkness.
1630
01:23:31,940 --> 01:23:34,124
Always lonely
1631
01:23:35,235 --> 01:23:38,211
Always looking
1632
01:23:39,239 --> 01:23:44,551
To get even with the men
who did him wrong
1633
01:23:46,454 --> 01:23:49,014
That was Billy
1634
01:23:50,292 --> 01:23:51,892
Who is it?
1635
01:23:54,170 --> 01:23:56,130
Ron, iťs us!
1636
01:23:56,131 --> 01:23:59,508
I'm sure you gentlemen
are famished from your travels.
1637
01:23:59,509 --> 01:24:03,470
I hope you like Triscuits
and some pimento loaf.
1638
01:24:03,471 --> 01:24:05,889
Still hot off the griddle!
1639
01:24:05,890 --> 01:24:07,600
There we go.
1640
01:24:07,601 --> 01:24:10,452
Well, everyone at the station
really misses you, Ron.
1641
01:24:10,687 --> 01:24:13,772
Jack Lime's been filling in for you
since you've been gone.
1642
01:24:13,773 --> 01:24:16,499
You know, he's really not
such a bad guy after all.
1643
01:24:17,277 --> 01:24:19,153
He goes by Jack Lamé now.
1644
01:24:19,154 --> 01:24:21,113
Well, he shouldn't be doing that.
1645
01:24:21,114 --> 01:24:23,157
He should be going by Jack Lame.
1646
01:24:23,158 --> 01:24:24,283
Brick!
1647
01:24:24,284 --> 01:24:25,618
Brick.
1648
01:24:25,619 --> 01:24:28,303
Thaťs checkers and caulk.
Don't eat that.
1649
01:24:28,872 --> 01:24:30,664
What about Linda? She hasn't called.
1650
01:24:30,665 --> 01:24:32,374
Linda's pretty busy.
1651
01:24:32,375 --> 01:24:34,835
Ron, I'm going to need your recipe.
1652
01:24:34,836 --> 01:24:36,545
So, Ron, what do you do
with yourself all day?
1653
01:24:36,546 --> 01:24:38,422
You're just out here pretty
much away from everything.
1654
01:24:38,423 --> 01:24:41,008
Well, every day begins about the same.
1655
01:24:41,009 --> 01:24:43,177
I wake up screaming in terror
1656
01:24:43,178 --> 01:24:45,179
because of the blackness
and I think I'm dead.
1657
01:24:45,180 --> 01:24:46,347
Every day?
1658
01:24:46,348 --> 01:24:48,140
Yes! Every day!
1659
01:24:48,141 --> 01:24:51,477
And then I begin whaťs called
The Great Adventure.
1660
01:24:51,478 --> 01:24:53,354
Making breakfast.
1661
01:24:53,355 --> 01:24:56,065
I've eaten everything
from nails to drink coasters.
1662
01:24:56,066 --> 01:24:58,734
One time I bit hard
into a marble ashtray,
1663
01:24:58,735 --> 01:25:00,903
thinking it was a savory waffle.
1664
01:25:00,904 --> 01:25:05,324
I wanted that waffle so bad!
Completely shattered my teeth.
1665
01:25:05,325 --> 01:25:07,785
Couldn't you tell
the ashtray wasn't hot like a waffle?
1666
01:25:07,786 --> 01:25:10,454
No! I couldn't! Because I'm blind!
1667
01:25:10,455 --> 01:25:14,375
I'm not blind
23 hours a day or 22 hours a day,
1668
01:25:14,376 --> 01:25:17,419
I'm blind the whole goddamn time!
1669
01:25:17,420 --> 01:25:20,714
Do you have any idea what iťs like
to drink a half a bottle of ketchup
1670
01:25:20,715 --> 01:25:25,110
thinking it was a bottle of
1946 Châteauneuf-du-Pape?
1671
01:25:26,054 --> 01:25:27,638
I even decanted it!
1672
01:25:27,639 --> 01:25:31,058
If you drank half a bottle
of that, thaťs like...
1673
01:25:31,059 --> 01:25:32,643
Thaťs like nine or 10 gulps.
1674
01:25:32,644 --> 01:25:34,353
I mean, you couldn't tell
that was ketchup?
1675
01:25:34,354 --> 01:25:35,813
Did I stutter?
1676
01:25:35,814 --> 01:25:38,899
I'm ba-lind!
1677
01:25:38,900 --> 01:25:40,943
You're having a tough time, Ron, I know.
1678
01:25:40,944 --> 01:25:43,253
You know what the biggest indignity is?
1679
01:25:43,363 --> 01:25:44,947
I can't even masturbate!
1680
01:25:44,948 --> 01:25:48,117
- Why?
- Heck, one morning, I spent 20 minutes
1681
01:25:48,118 --> 01:25:52,955
aggressively rubbing my shin,
wondering, "Where's the sensation?
1682
01:25:52,956 --> 01:25:54,081
"Where's the pleasure coming?"
1683
01:25:54,082 --> 01:25:56,542
You rubbed your shin
thinking it was a penis?
1684
01:25:56,543 --> 01:25:58,710
- I know you think I'm stupid, don't you?
- No!
1685
01:25:58,711 --> 01:26:01,130
The weirdo who lives
in the weird lighthouse
1686
01:26:01,131 --> 01:26:02,464
in the middle of nowhere.
1687
01:26:02,465 --> 01:26:04,883
Ron, it was your choice to
live in a "weird lighthouse."
1688
01:26:04,884 --> 01:26:06,468
You know why I live here?
1689
01:26:06,469 --> 01:26:10,905
Let me say it real slow and real loud.
1690
01:26:11,099 --> 01:26:12,975
I'm
1691
01:26:12,976 --> 01:26:16,244
blind!
1692
01:26:16,646 --> 01:26:18,272
I guess we should get out of here.
1693
01:26:18,273 --> 01:26:20,107
Maybe you should go. Yes.
1694
01:26:20,108 --> 01:26:22,234
Why don't you guys get out of here!
1695
01:26:22,235 --> 01:26:24,820
Despite my complete and utter isolation,
1696
01:26:24,821 --> 01:26:28,548
your gentlemen's visit
has actually made it worse!
1697
01:26:35,623 --> 01:26:37,640
Goodbye, Ron.
1698
01:26:39,294 --> 01:26:40,894
What?
1699
01:26:41,254 --> 01:26:42,754
No, don't go!
1700
01:26:42,755 --> 01:26:47,484
Please! Wait! I'm all alone! Come back!
1701
01:26:51,848 --> 01:26:54,991
Wait! Come back!
1702
01:26:55,310 --> 01:26:57,619
Come back!
1703
01:27:00,273 --> 01:27:02,415
I'm alone!
1704
01:27:02,692 --> 01:27:07,087
Why have you
done this to me, God? Why?
1705
01:27:07,238 --> 01:27:11,200
Couldn't you have cured a sick
child or created a new animal?
1706
01:27:11,201 --> 01:27:15,637
But, no, you had to
make Ron Burgundy blind!
1707
01:27:16,265 --> 01:27:17,789
Well, I never thought that I would see
1708
01:27:17,790 --> 01:27:21,376
the Ron Burgundy
full of so much self-pity.
1709
01:27:21,377 --> 01:27:24,505
Who is it? What is that noise?
1710
01:27:24,506 --> 01:27:26,106
Take my hand.
1711
01:27:26,216 --> 01:27:27,633
I can't see it!
1712
01:27:27,634 --> 01:27:29,343
Reach for it, Ron!
1713
01:27:29,344 --> 01:27:32,195
You have to learn to do for yourself now.
1714
01:27:32,472 --> 01:27:34,389
All right. This... Okay. Here we go.
1715
01:27:34,390 --> 01:27:36,282
Get up. There we go.
1716
01:27:38,394 --> 01:27:39,895
Cher, is that you?
1717
01:27:39,896 --> 01:27:42,231
You can't recognize me by my voice?
1718
01:27:42,232 --> 01:27:44,191
Jan-Michael Vincent?
1719
01:27:44,192 --> 01:27:45,609
Really?
1720
01:27:45,610 --> 01:27:48,195
Every news station
is copying what you did, Ron.
1721
01:27:48,196 --> 01:27:53,700
All the stories are about animals,
or car chases or strip clubs.
1722
01:27:53,701 --> 01:27:56,578
The genie has been let out of the bottle,
1723
01:27:56,579 --> 01:27:58,956
and old Ron Burgundy popped the cork.
1724
01:27:58,957 --> 01:28:01,625
- Thaťs why I quit WBC News.
- What?
1725
01:28:01,626 --> 01:28:03,961
There's no real news
being reported out there.
1726
01:28:03,962 --> 01:28:05,587
It's just all about ratings.
1727
01:28:05,588 --> 01:28:07,464
Veronica.
1728
01:28:07,465 --> 01:28:08,882
Why are you here?
1729
01:28:08,883 --> 01:28:10,926
I'm here for our son, Ron.
1730
01:28:10,927 --> 01:28:12,427
Walter needs you.
1731
01:28:12,428 --> 01:28:16,390
I need you to start taking responsibility
for him and for yourself.
1732
01:28:16,391 --> 01:28:18,350
Do you realize you're talking to a man
1733
01:28:18,351 --> 01:28:22,396
who just this morning tried
to brush his teeth with a live lobster?
1734
01:28:22,397 --> 01:28:24,164
What?
1735
01:28:24,688 --> 01:28:26,692
You woulďve
known the second that you touched it...
1736
01:28:26,693 --> 01:28:30,070
I'm just saying iťs not
going to be a cakewalk.
1737
01:28:30,071 --> 01:28:32,948
Well, then we best get to it.
1738
01:28:32,949 --> 01:28:34,716
Now, drink your tea.
1739
01:28:38,496 --> 01:28:42,207
- Let me get a sponge. I'll get it.
- All right. No, no, just stay there.
1740
01:28:42,208 --> 01:28:44,767
I'll have it cleaned up in a jiffy.
1741
01:28:54,804 --> 01:28:56,096
Leťs try this again.
1742
01:28:56,097 --> 01:28:57,931
- Did you throw it?
- Yes, I threw it.
1743
01:28:57,932 --> 01:28:59,850
Just remember the curves.
1744
01:28:59,851 --> 01:29:00,892
The curves.
1745
01:29:00,893 --> 01:29:03,145
- The green eyes.
- Green eyes.
1746
01:29:03,146 --> 01:29:05,355
You have to use your other senses now!
1747
01:29:05,356 --> 01:29:07,290
I can't do it!
1748
01:29:08,526 --> 01:29:11,628
Baxter found something on the beach!
1749
01:29:11,863 --> 01:29:13,796
Ron, be careful!
1750
01:29:14,032 --> 01:29:15,407
It's okay!
1751
01:29:15,408 --> 01:29:19,636
- Walter, what is it?
- It's some kind of fish!
1752
01:29:20,496 --> 01:29:22,039
Oh, my goodness!
1753
01:29:22,040 --> 01:29:25,667
If he stays tangled in this net,
he's not going to survive.
1754
01:29:25,668 --> 01:29:27,836
Walter, sweetheart, iťs a shark.
1755
01:29:27,837 --> 01:29:32,424
Son, don't you worry,
we won't let this fellow die.
1756
01:29:32,425 --> 01:29:34,859
We'll do it together, Dad.
1757
01:29:38,890 --> 01:29:41,308
That should keep him in
there until he's strong enough
1758
01:29:41,309 --> 01:29:43,226
to swim out to the deep ocean.
1759
01:29:43,227 --> 01:29:44,436
Can I name him?
1760
01:29:44,437 --> 01:29:46,355
Of course you can, son.
1761
01:29:46,356 --> 01:29:49,399
What about Crackers?
1762
01:29:49,400 --> 01:29:51,735
Give me a goddamned break.
1763
01:29:51,736 --> 01:29:55,405
Seriously, you've got one of the most
vicious predators in the ocean,
1764
01:29:55,406 --> 01:29:56,990
you're gonna name him "Crackers"?
1765
01:29:56,991 --> 01:30:02,287
In the future when you say I can name
something, don't be a dick about it.
1766
01:30:02,288 --> 01:30:05,082
Why don't we do this?
Leťs name him Doby.
1767
01:30:05,083 --> 01:30:09,336
You talk all that smack and thaťs
the best name you come up with?
1768
01:30:09,337 --> 01:30:11,421
Well, we're not gonna get
any better than that.
1769
01:30:11,422 --> 01:30:15,884
I mean, you obviously can't
name him anything that sounds good.
1770
01:30:15,885 --> 01:30:20,681
How about we forget about this whole
name thing and you go straight to hell?
1771
01:30:20,682 --> 01:30:22,432
Well, I don't know what to do.
1772
01:30:22,433 --> 01:30:25,977
We might as well
poison the water and let him die.
1773
01:30:25,978 --> 01:30:28,647
Leťs just go with Doby.
1774
01:30:28,648 --> 01:30:31,233
Fine, then iťs settled. It's Doby.
1775
01:30:31,234 --> 01:30:35,278
We'll call him Doby
even though no one likes it.
1776
01:30:35,279 --> 01:30:37,880
All right, I can live with that.
1777
01:30:39,242 --> 01:30:43,344
Don't worry, Baxter.
We won't feed him your dog food.
1778
01:30:47,875 --> 01:30:50,961
Even though Ron Burgundy
had lost his sight,
1779
01:30:50,962 --> 01:30:53,630
he had never seen so clearly.
1780
01:30:53,631 --> 01:30:54,715
You did it!
1781
01:30:54,716 --> 01:30:59,902
And with every inch Doby grew,
so did Ron's heart.
1782
01:31:10,356 --> 01:31:12,941
It's just a bunch of crazy lines, isn't it?
1783
01:31:12,942 --> 01:31:16,252
No. It's beautiful.
1784
01:31:17,113 --> 01:31:19,380
It's beautiful.
1785
01:31:33,421 --> 01:31:35,255
What about Gary?
1786
01:31:35,256 --> 01:31:37,132
We split up two weeks ago.
1787
01:31:37,133 --> 01:31:40,427
He was too emotionally stable.
It was so annoying!
1788
01:31:40,428 --> 01:31:43,972
And so, just like
the passing of the seasons,
1789
01:31:43,973 --> 01:31:46,057
it came time for Doby to return
1790
01:31:46,058 --> 01:31:48,685
to the deep waters
he was meant to call home.
1791
01:31:48,686 --> 01:31:50,645
I hear his tail splashing!
1792
01:31:50,646 --> 01:31:52,689
He's actually swimming away!
1793
01:31:52,690 --> 01:31:55,025
Is he looking back for us
over his shoulder?
1794
01:31:55,026 --> 01:31:56,818
Sharks don't have shoulders, Ron.
1795
01:31:56,819 --> 01:32:01,239
No, he just swam away,
and he's instantly looking for fish to eat.
1796
01:32:01,240 --> 01:32:03,508
He was my best friend.
1797
01:32:04,577 --> 01:32:06,369
You
1798
01:32:06,370 --> 01:32:09,180
Swam with strength
1799
01:32:10,374 --> 01:32:12,209
You
1800
01:32:12,210 --> 01:32:15,754
Loved with grace
1801
01:32:15,755 --> 01:32:20,217
You touched us all
1802
01:32:20,218 --> 01:32:25,154
With your expressionless face
1803
01:32:27,558 --> 01:32:30,060
Doby, oh, Doby
1804
01:32:30,061 --> 01:32:34,022
May you find many treasures
1805
01:32:34,023 --> 01:32:38,668
Both emotional and monetary
1806
01:32:39,737 --> 01:32:42,989
You were wise and loving
1807
01:32:42,990 --> 01:32:46,535
And never contrary
1808
01:32:46,536 --> 01:32:48,578
Doby
1809
01:32:48,579 --> 01:32:51,389
Oh, Doby
1810
01:32:51,415 --> 01:32:54,600
I'll never forget thee
1811
01:32:57,964 --> 01:32:59,965
Doby
1812
01:32:59,966 --> 01:33:02,676
Oh, Doby
1813
01:33:02,677 --> 01:33:05,945
I'll never forget thee
1814
01:33:09,642 --> 01:33:12,269
Promise you'll always
be there for me, Dad?
1815
01:33:12,270 --> 01:33:13,979
I promise.
1816
01:33:13,980 --> 01:33:15,939
If I say I'll be there for you,
1817
01:33:15,940 --> 01:33:18,608
there's nothing on Goďs earth
that will stop me.
1818
01:33:18,609 --> 01:33:20,193
I love you, Dad.
1819
01:33:20,194 --> 01:33:22,737
Leťs get back up to
the lighthouse, all right?
1820
01:33:22,738 --> 01:33:24,781
- Come on.
- Okay.
1821
01:33:24,782 --> 01:33:26,591
Leťs go.
1822
01:33:26,951 --> 01:33:31,429
I hope you eat lots of fish
and people, Doby.
1823
01:33:36,794 --> 01:33:37,961
There you are.
1824
01:33:37,962 --> 01:33:41,464
I found the most beautiful
clams down by the estuary.
1825
01:33:41,465 --> 01:33:43,592
I thought we could steam
them up tonight
1826
01:33:43,593 --> 01:33:46,136
with a nice butter sauce
1827
01:33:46,137 --> 01:33:48,321
and some wine.
1828
01:33:49,432 --> 01:33:50,765
Veronica.
1829
01:33:50,766 --> 01:33:52,617
Yes, Ron?
1830
01:33:52,768 --> 01:33:54,911
Can you explain this?
1831
01:33:57,315 --> 01:34:00,609
Ron, this is Dr. Brangley.
I've left dozens of messages.
1832
01:34:00,610 --> 01:34:02,444
Somehow, they must be getting erased.
1833
01:34:02,445 --> 01:34:06,990
But there is a procedure
that can possibly return your sight.
1834
01:34:06,991 --> 01:34:09,951
Please get back to me
if you're interested.
1835
01:34:09,952 --> 01:34:13,371
Well? Have you been
erasing these messages?
1836
01:34:13,372 --> 01:34:16,166
Yes. Ron, just let me explain.
1837
01:34:16,167 --> 01:34:17,334
How could you?
1838
01:34:17,335 --> 01:34:20,253
We've never been this happy,
and I just thought that...
1839
01:34:20,254 --> 01:34:22,047
Thought that if I could see again,
1840
01:34:22,048 --> 01:34:24,466
that somehow I couldn't
love you and Walter anymore?
1841
01:34:24,467 --> 01:34:26,051
Yes!
1842
01:34:26,052 --> 01:34:30,696
Damn you, woman! You lied to me!
1843
01:34:31,098 --> 01:34:32,974
I gave you everything!
1844
01:34:32,975 --> 01:34:36,744
I gave you my heart, my smile,
1845
01:34:37,188 --> 01:34:39,038
my seed.
1846
01:34:39,106 --> 01:34:40,482
And you lied to me.
1847
01:34:40,483 --> 01:34:41,941
- Dad!
- Sweetheart.
1848
01:34:41,942 --> 01:34:43,652
No! Dad!
1849
01:34:43,653 --> 01:34:45,987
Don't leave, Dad!
1850
01:34:45,988 --> 01:34:47,822
- Dad!
- Walter, just...
1851
01:34:47,823 --> 01:34:49,784
Sweetheart, we have to let him go.
1852
01:34:50,117 --> 01:34:52,426
He needs to go free.
1853
01:34:52,828 --> 01:34:54,829
Just like Doby.
1854
01:34:54,830 --> 01:34:57,723
He'll be back. He promised.
1855
01:34:58,709 --> 01:35:02,128
Could you please call me a damn cab?
I'm blind!
1856
01:35:02,129 --> 01:35:03,729
Of course!
1857
01:35:04,006 --> 01:35:07,384
Ron, the operation was a success.
1858
01:35:07,385 --> 01:35:10,987
But we won't know for sure
until we remove the bandages.
1859
01:35:16,727 --> 01:35:18,353
Well?
1860
01:35:18,354 --> 01:35:20,121
Yes.
1861
01:35:20,189 --> 01:35:21,831
I can see.
1862
01:35:25,486 --> 01:35:29,197
Oh, God, oh, God.
It's Ron Burgundy, everyone!
1863
01:35:29,198 --> 01:35:30,907
You are my inspiration.
1864
01:35:30,908 --> 01:35:33,259
Well, thank you.
1865
01:35:33,911 --> 01:35:35,203
Welcome back, Ron.
1866
01:35:35,204 --> 01:35:37,288
Thanks. Thanks, Bri-man.
1867
01:35:37,289 --> 01:35:39,223
Good luck in Vietnam.
1868
01:35:39,375 --> 01:35:40,875
Brick.
1869
01:35:40,876 --> 01:35:42,210
Brick and I are having a baby!
1870
01:35:42,211 --> 01:35:43,753
We're gonna name him
Tortilla Jackson.
1871
01:35:43,754 --> 01:35:45,588
- All right.
- I'm 22 months pregnant.
1872
01:35:45,589 --> 01:35:46,798
Well, get over here, you bastard.
1873
01:35:46,799 --> 01:35:48,607
Got you a drink, Ron. Come on.
1874
01:35:49,093 --> 01:35:53,362
Hold on to that drink.
I just want to grab some air.
1875
01:36:04,734 --> 01:36:06,834
How you doing there?
1876
01:36:08,404 --> 01:36:11,464
I'm fine. Just...
1877
01:36:11,991 --> 01:36:13,783
Just a lot of people in there.
1878
01:36:13,784 --> 01:36:17,954
Listen, Ron,
I'm sorry that I never called or visited.
1879
01:36:17,955 --> 01:36:20,165
There's no need to explain.
1880
01:36:20,166 --> 01:36:21,541
But, listen, I mean, you're back.
1881
01:36:21,542 --> 01:36:23,142
Hello, Ron.
1882
01:36:24,044 --> 01:36:25,462
What are you doing here?
1883
01:36:25,463 --> 01:36:29,106
I had to come tell you
something very important.
1884
01:36:30,509 --> 01:36:32,135
You must be Linda Jackson.
1885
01:36:32,136 --> 01:36:33,636
You must be Veronica.
1886
01:36:33,637 --> 01:36:35,305
Yes, I am. It's a pleasure.
1887
01:36:35,306 --> 01:36:37,056
This is a touching moment for me.
1888
01:36:37,057 --> 01:36:41,561
Please, don't take this the wrong way,
but if you touch Ron again,
1889
01:36:41,562 --> 01:36:44,622
I will shoot you
in the cooch with a B.B. Gun.
1890
01:36:45,024 --> 01:36:46,566
You can talk big all you want,
1891
01:36:46,567 --> 01:36:49,527
but guess what,
this kitten's got claws, bitch.
1892
01:36:49,528 --> 01:36:50,945
Don't mess with me, Linda,
1893
01:36:50,946 --> 01:36:54,282
because this "White Thunder" rolls
deep and it rolls nasty.
1894
01:36:54,283 --> 01:36:55,909
I was feeling a little bit down,
1895
01:36:55,910 --> 01:36:58,161
but this is definitely
picking up my mood.
1896
01:36:58,162 --> 01:37:00,371
Well, I guess I'll leave you two alone.
1897
01:37:00,372 --> 01:37:03,583
And iťs been
an absolute pleasure, Ms. Corningstone.
1898
01:37:03,584 --> 01:37:04,667
This has been great.
1899
01:37:04,668 --> 01:37:06,544
Do you guys want to kiss real quick?
1900
01:37:06,545 --> 01:37:08,713
Ron. Read the room.
1901
01:37:08,714 --> 01:37:10,731
I'll take that as a no.
1902
01:37:10,841 --> 01:37:13,134
Bye, Linda.
1903
01:37:13,135 --> 01:37:15,345
I know why you haven't
been returning my messages.
1904
01:37:15,346 --> 01:37:19,599
I wasn't calling for me, I was calling
because Walter has a piano recital
1905
01:37:19,600 --> 01:37:22,477
in half an hour
at the Tishman School on 65th Street.
1906
01:37:22,478 --> 01:37:25,579
And he wrote a piece for you, Ron.
1907
01:37:25,940 --> 01:37:27,065
Walter.
1908
01:37:27,066 --> 01:37:30,068
It would mean the absolute
world to him to have you there.
1909
01:37:30,069 --> 01:37:33,921
Ron, I just got a call
from the control room! Big fan.
1910
01:37:34,198 --> 01:37:37,659
Actress Sheila Blackledge,
the mom from the hit sitcom
1911
01:37:37,660 --> 01:37:39,828
Four's a Family, Five's a Crowd,
1912
01:37:39,829 --> 01:37:42,372
she just found out
her husband cheated on her
1913
01:37:42,373 --> 01:37:45,333
and she severed his penis
while he slept!
1914
01:37:45,334 --> 01:37:46,501
Oh, my goodness.
1915
01:37:46,502 --> 01:37:50,213
The police arrived.
She fled in her white Bronco,
1916
01:37:50,214 --> 01:37:53,842
and now they're engaged
in a high-speed car chase!
1917
01:37:53,843 --> 01:37:56,052
We've got an exclusive on the live feed,
1918
01:37:56,053 --> 01:37:58,137
but we've got to go, right now!
1919
01:37:58,138 --> 01:38:01,683
Ron, this can be your comeback.
1920
01:38:01,684 --> 01:38:04,535
- Veronica, I...
- No, Ron. No.
1921
01:38:04,854 --> 01:38:07,313
That will get sky-high ratings.
1922
01:38:07,314 --> 01:38:10,859
- Walter will understand.
- Walter will understand.
1923
01:38:10,860 --> 01:38:12,543
Go.
1924
01:38:12,695 --> 01:38:14,404
Come on, Ron. Priorities!
1925
01:38:14,405 --> 01:38:16,839
- Veronica!
- Come on!
1926
01:38:18,367 --> 01:38:20,201
- Can you hear me?
- Yes, yes.
1927
01:38:20,202 --> 01:38:21,536
You're coming in loud and clear.
1928
01:38:21,537 --> 01:38:23,079
You're back and you get this story.
1929
01:38:23,080 --> 01:38:25,039
- This is gonna be huge.
- Right.
1930
01:38:25,040 --> 01:38:26,875
So, is it good to be back home?
1931
01:38:26,876 --> 01:38:28,334
Yeah, I feel good.
1932
01:38:28,335 --> 01:38:31,479
God, look at him.
Like a beacon in the night!
1933
01:38:31,547 --> 01:38:32,964
My golden goose.
1934
01:38:32,965 --> 01:38:34,173
All right, baby.
1935
01:38:34,174 --> 01:38:35,884
So I'm just gonna be
giving you the details.
1936
01:38:35,885 --> 01:38:37,343
Five, four,
1937
01:38:37,344 --> 01:38:39,195
three, two...
1938
01:38:40,180 --> 01:38:41,306
Good evening, America.
1939
01:38:41,307 --> 01:38:45,560
After some time off,
iťs good to be back with you.
1940
01:38:45,561 --> 01:38:47,228
I'm Ron Burgundy.
1941
01:38:47,229 --> 01:38:50,648
We have a story tonight
involving an affair,
1942
01:38:50,649 --> 01:38:55,194
a cut-off penis,
a TV star and a car chase.
1943
01:38:55,195 --> 01:38:57,129
And throw it to the feed.
1944
01:38:58,699 --> 01:39:00,716
The only problem is...
1945
01:39:01,660 --> 01:39:04,136
- Whaťs he doing?
- Ron, are you okay?
1946
01:39:04,246 --> 01:39:05,747
- It's not news.
- What?
1947
01:39:05,748 --> 01:39:07,081
Turn off the prompter.
1948
01:39:07,082 --> 01:39:08,166
Ron, this is Kench.
1949
01:39:08,167 --> 01:39:09,584
What the hell do you
think you're doing, mate?
1950
01:39:09,585 --> 01:39:13,421
Just read whaťs in front of you,
or I will ruin you! Don't!
1951
01:39:13,422 --> 01:39:16,106
Don't!
You leave Kench inside your head!
1952
01:39:16,467 --> 01:39:19,093
- God damn it!
- He took out his earpiece.
1953
01:39:19,094 --> 01:39:22,488
You see, folks,
I've read a lot of news in my day,
1954
01:39:23,265 --> 01:39:27,159
but iťs... It's taken me until now
1955
01:39:27,603 --> 01:39:30,396
to realize what real news is.
1956
01:39:30,397 --> 01:39:32,982
Real news is supposed
to let people know
1957
01:39:32,983 --> 01:39:37,612
what the powerful are up to, so that
that power doesn't become corrupt.
1958
01:39:37,613 --> 01:39:39,906
But what happens when
the powerful own the news?
1959
01:39:39,907 --> 01:39:42,241
You piece of shit!
1960
01:39:42,242 --> 01:39:44,369
Shit. He's blowing the whole thing up.
1961
01:39:44,370 --> 01:39:47,622
Recently, I've been
on a bit of a personal journey.
1962
01:39:47,623 --> 01:39:52,059
I made love to a proud,
intelligent black woman.
1963
01:39:53,003 --> 01:39:55,088
I became blind.
1964
01:39:55,089 --> 01:39:57,882
I bottle-fed and raised a shark.
1965
01:39:57,883 --> 01:40:00,927
And I smoked a fair amount of crack.
1966
01:40:00,928 --> 01:40:05,974
But the most important thing I've learned
is that there was an emptiness left
1967
01:40:05,975 --> 01:40:10,186
after turning my back on three of the
best friends anyone could ever ask for.
1968
01:40:10,187 --> 01:40:11,479
Hi, Ron!
1969
01:40:11,480 --> 01:40:13,272
So, if you'll excuse me,
1970
01:40:13,273 --> 01:40:15,566
I'm going to see my chilďs recital
1971
01:40:15,567 --> 01:40:20,004
and tell the woman I love
that I still love her.
1972
01:40:20,698 --> 01:40:24,091
Good night, America, and never forget,
1973
01:40:24,743 --> 01:40:26,594
you deserve the truth.
1974
01:40:30,165 --> 01:40:31,708
Good. He's dead, done.
1975
01:40:31,709 --> 01:40:34,002
Linda, get the skirt in,
the blonde. Anyone!
1976
01:40:34,003 --> 01:40:35,670
He's coming back!
1977
01:40:35,671 --> 01:40:37,463
Also, one other thing.
1978
01:40:37,464 --> 01:40:40,675
Koala Airlines is a really shitty airline.
1979
01:40:40,676 --> 01:40:44,320
You son of a bitch! You son of a bitch!
1980
01:40:48,142 --> 01:40:49,559
Guys, I'm sorry.
1981
01:40:49,560 --> 01:40:53,021
For a while there, I don't know
what became of Ron Burgundy.
1982
01:40:53,022 --> 01:40:56,165
Brick, I'm sorry I yelled at you.
1983
01:40:56,442 --> 01:40:57,692
Brian, I...
1984
01:40:57,693 --> 01:41:00,111
No reason why I killed
that story of yours.
1985
01:41:00,112 --> 01:41:01,863
It was excellent reporting.
1986
01:41:01,864 --> 01:41:05,199
And, Champ, I'm sorry
I said no to all those
1987
01:41:05,200 --> 01:41:09,637
offers for late-night
deep-tissue rubdowns.
1988
01:41:10,539 --> 01:41:12,290
Ron, you're a good man.
1989
01:41:12,291 --> 01:41:16,127
But you have fallen victim
to your own ego and your own hubris.
1990
01:41:16,128 --> 01:41:20,230
And before others can forgive you,
you must learn to forgive yourself.
1991
01:41:23,010 --> 01:41:24,552
What was that, Brick?
1992
01:41:24,553 --> 01:41:26,862
I'm wearing two pairs of pants.
1993
01:41:27,848 --> 01:41:29,140
Thank you.
1994
01:41:29,141 --> 01:41:30,975
So thaťs it?
1995
01:41:30,976 --> 01:41:32,935
You're sorry?
1996
01:41:32,936 --> 01:41:36,355
You know what, Burgundy?
Apologies are like assholes.
1997
01:41:36,356 --> 01:41:37,607
Everyone's got one
1998
01:41:37,608 --> 01:41:41,251
and everyone's got a shoebox
full of Polaroids of them under the bed.
1999
01:41:41,612 --> 01:41:43,404
Ron, we're a team.
2000
01:41:43,405 --> 01:41:44,822
We need you.
2001
01:41:44,823 --> 01:41:46,882
Let him go, Champ.
2002
01:41:51,538 --> 01:41:53,389
Ron!
2003
01:41:53,457 --> 01:41:56,934
Long live Ron Burgundy!
2004
01:42:04,843 --> 01:42:08,237
I'm Brick Tamland for GNN News.
2005
01:42:08,347 --> 01:42:12,308
The itsy bitsy spider
went up the water spout.
2006
01:42:12,309 --> 01:42:14,393
You little hack!
2007
01:42:14,394 --> 01:42:16,020
Who the hell do you think you are?
2008
01:42:16,021 --> 01:42:17,396
After everything I've done for you,
2009
01:42:17,397 --> 01:42:20,416
this is how you repay me?
Well, I will crush you!
2010
01:42:22,653 --> 01:42:24,237
Once again, Mr. Burgundy,
2011
01:42:24,238 --> 01:42:26,989
you are the ballsiest
white man I've ever known.
2012
01:42:26,990 --> 01:42:29,174
What the hell?
2013
01:42:29,326 --> 01:42:31,802
One more for old times' sake.
2014
01:42:37,835 --> 01:42:38,918
Thank you.
2015
01:42:38,919 --> 01:42:41,003
Is Dad going to come?
2016
01:42:41,004 --> 01:42:42,964
No, sweetheart, Daddy has to work.
2017
01:42:42,965 --> 01:42:45,466
He's going to come. I know it.
2018
01:42:45,467 --> 01:42:47,276
Taxi!
2019
01:42:47,344 --> 01:42:49,428
Taxi! Taxi!
2020
01:42:49,429 --> 01:42:50,805
Damn it!
2021
01:42:50,806 --> 01:42:54,658
It's so hard for a proud Mexican
to get a taxi in this city!
2022
01:42:54,893 --> 01:42:56,644
I need to see my son!
2023
01:42:56,645 --> 01:43:01,023
And now, to play an original
composition that he wrote for his father,
2024
01:43:01,024 --> 01:43:04,460
here is seven-year-old Walter Burgundy.
2025
01:43:12,536 --> 01:43:15,637
I made a promise!
I made a promise to my son!
2026
01:43:18,709 --> 01:43:20,251
What the hell?
2027
01:43:20,252 --> 01:43:22,378
Well, hello, Ron.
2028
01:43:22,379 --> 01:43:23,754
You out for a jog?
2029
01:43:23,755 --> 01:43:25,689
Jack Lime!
2030
01:43:26,300 --> 01:43:27,675
Where's everyone going?
2031
01:43:27,676 --> 01:43:31,053
Please. I don't have time to talk, okay?
I have to be somewhere.
2032
01:43:31,054 --> 01:43:33,530
Well, thaťs funny.
'Cause I got nowhere to be
2033
01:43:33,599 --> 01:43:36,366
because you pretty much
destroyed my career.
2034
01:43:36,393 --> 01:43:40,662
Do you realize what it did to me,
by making me call myself Jack Lame?
2035
01:43:41,148 --> 01:43:43,624
It was a living hell!
2036
01:43:45,736 --> 01:43:48,863
I'm telling you, you have to let me go!
2037
01:43:48,864 --> 01:43:51,340
Don't worry. Four against one.
2038
01:43:51,450 --> 01:43:53,467
This will be over fast.
2039
01:43:53,660 --> 01:43:55,928
Maybe not so fast!
2040
01:43:58,832 --> 01:44:01,642
My news team. Thank God!
2041
01:44:02,920 --> 01:44:07,632
Ain't a day that will be or has been
that we don't have Ron Burgundy's back.
2042
01:44:07,633 --> 01:44:09,675
Not a problem.
When I'm done with these mutts,
2043
01:44:09,676 --> 01:44:11,260
I'm gonna wipe my shoes on the curb.
2044
01:44:11,261 --> 01:44:13,346
Oh, yeah, Jack Lime?
2045
01:44:13,347 --> 01:44:14,931
When I'm done with you,
2046
01:44:14,932 --> 01:44:18,100
my mom's going to
pick me up and take me home.
2047
01:44:18,101 --> 01:44:19,868
Wait!
2048
01:44:22,773 --> 01:44:24,649
Here's a headline for you.
2049
01:44:24,650 --> 01:44:27,193
"Moronic Yank Wankerman
2050
01:44:27,194 --> 01:44:30,863
"Gets a Bloody Good Hiding
From News Reader
2051
01:44:30,864 --> 01:44:33,199
"From a Superior Country."
2052
01:44:33,200 --> 01:44:37,052
For we are the BBC News Service.
2053
01:44:38,872 --> 01:44:40,456
No. Not now.
2054
01:44:40,457 --> 01:44:42,224
Fall back, fall back.
2055
01:44:45,754 --> 01:44:46,963
If y'all are gonna get down,
2056
01:44:46,964 --> 01:44:49,966
then Wesley Jackson and
the MTV News crew want in.
2057
01:44:49,967 --> 01:44:52,067
Whaťs MTV?
2058
01:44:52,219 --> 01:44:53,970
I think iťs a venereal disease.
2059
01:44:53,971 --> 01:44:55,763
The most requested video of the day?
2060
01:44:55,764 --> 01:44:59,449
A new band called
Burgundy's Sucking Chest Wound.
2061
01:45:05,148 --> 01:45:07,066
It wouldn't be a battle
without Jill Janson.
2062
01:45:07,067 --> 01:45:09,527
And Wendy Van Peele
from Entertainment News.
2063
01:45:09,528 --> 01:45:12,029
Entertainment news is an abomination!
2064
01:45:12,030 --> 01:45:14,949
Who are you wearing today?
Look, iťs your own blood!
2065
01:45:14,950 --> 01:45:16,784
Today's celebrity birthdays... None.
2066
01:45:16,785 --> 01:45:18,160
Today's celebrity deaths...
2067
01:45:18,161 --> 01:45:20,929
All you dick-licks.
2068
01:45:21,957 --> 01:45:23,749
I like the way they're put together.
2069
01:45:23,750 --> 01:45:25,334
I like fighting girls.
2070
01:45:25,335 --> 01:45:27,169
I like to cunt punt cowboys.
2071
01:45:27,170 --> 01:45:29,171
- You eat pussy?
- You're gonna.
2072
01:45:29,172 --> 01:45:31,106
Hey!
2073
01:45:31,258 --> 01:45:34,552
There's not gonna
be any fight without Scott Riles
2074
01:45:34,553 --> 01:45:37,696
and the incredibly polite
Canadian News team.
2075
01:45:38,765 --> 01:45:41,517
What about
the French-speaking Quebec News?
2076
01:45:41,518 --> 01:45:43,144
The real voice of Canada!
2077
01:45:43,145 --> 01:45:44,186
Give it a rest, eh?
2078
01:45:44,187 --> 01:45:46,897
Give me a break! They can't have news.
2079
01:45:46,898 --> 01:45:48,399
Nothing happens in Canada!
2080
01:45:48,400 --> 01:45:50,026
We're gonna mop the floor with you!
2081
01:45:50,027 --> 01:45:51,318
We're gonna put the boots to you!
2082
01:45:51,319 --> 01:45:52,445
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
2083
01:45:52,446 --> 01:45:55,906
We're gonna gouge your eyes out!
And kick your head in!
2084
01:45:55,907 --> 01:45:57,366
- Sorry!
- Sorry!
2085
01:45:57,367 --> 01:45:59,551
I like your ginger ale!
2086
01:46:02,831 --> 01:46:05,458
Jeff Bullington, ESPN, all sports.
2087
01:46:05,459 --> 01:46:07,793
Tonighťs play of the day is me,
2088
01:46:07,794 --> 01:46:09,962
extracting your spine
from your dead body.
2089
01:46:09,963 --> 01:46:12,048
Holy shit, there's a lot of news!
2090
01:46:12,049 --> 01:46:14,467
It's true, the market
is becoming saturated.
2091
01:46:14,468 --> 01:46:18,220
Hey. The History Network
wants in on this. We're news, too.
2092
01:46:18,221 --> 01:46:21,406
Only news told much, much later.
2093
01:46:22,434 --> 01:46:25,895
Wait a minute. Is that the ghost
of Stonewall Jackson with you?
2094
01:46:25,896 --> 01:46:29,373
Yes, it is. And the mighty Minotaur.
2095
01:46:29,858 --> 01:46:31,317
I don't know about this, man.
2096
01:46:31,318 --> 01:46:34,836
The Minotaur isn't even history!
He's mythology!
2097
01:46:35,989 --> 01:46:37,823
Leťs not downplay the fact
2098
01:46:37,824 --> 01:46:40,534
that thaťs the ghost
of Stonewall Jackson!
2099
01:46:40,535 --> 01:46:45,039
May the Lord anoint this
hallowed field of battle.
2100
01:46:45,040 --> 01:46:48,501
You guys got room in this
battle for an old war horse?
2101
01:46:48,502 --> 01:46:50,503
Mack Tannen!
What are you doing here?
2102
01:46:50,504 --> 01:46:51,921
You're too old for this.
2103
01:46:51,922 --> 01:46:54,340
Well, you see, there's the thing.
2104
01:46:54,341 --> 01:47:00,513
When there's an early moon,
I almost feel like a stallion again!
2105
01:47:00,514 --> 01:47:02,614
He's on our side, right, Ron?
2106
01:47:10,273 --> 01:47:12,290
He's a were-hyena!
2107
01:47:13,068 --> 01:47:15,528
I'm-a call Michael Jackson.
I got a video idea.
2108
01:47:15,529 --> 01:47:18,088
All right, everyone, listen up!
2109
01:47:21,284 --> 01:47:26,638
By virtue of being on this battlefield,
there is no return.
2110
01:47:27,541 --> 01:47:29,416
People will die.
2111
01:47:29,417 --> 01:47:30,751
I'm so horny right now.
2112
01:47:30,752 --> 01:47:32,711
Some will be disfigured.
2113
01:47:32,712 --> 01:47:37,482
In some cases,
lasting friendships will be made.
2114
01:47:37,843 --> 01:47:42,429
And as usual,
no touching of the hair and face.
2115
01:47:42,430 --> 01:47:44,723
Come on.
What do we look like, rookies?
2116
01:47:44,724 --> 01:47:45,975
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
2117
01:47:45,976 --> 01:47:47,935
When El Trousias,
2118
01:47:47,936 --> 01:47:51,689
maiden of the clouds,
blows the battle horn,
2119
01:47:51,690 --> 01:47:53,899
let the battle begin!
2120
01:47:53,900 --> 01:47:56,877
I am El Trousias!
2121
01:47:58,238 --> 01:48:01,006
Hear my siren song!
2122
01:48:02,742 --> 01:48:06,219
El Trousias... The Juicies'.
2123
01:48:11,793 --> 01:48:13,852
That means you can start.
2124
01:48:14,713 --> 01:48:17,230
Brick, what the hell is that?
2125
01:48:17,340 --> 01:48:19,091
It's a gun from the future.
2126
01:48:19,092 --> 01:48:21,260
No fair! He's got a gun from the future!
2127
01:48:21,261 --> 01:48:23,653
Where did you get it from?
2128
01:48:38,278 --> 01:48:42,714
In the name of the King,
the Queen and St. George.
2129
01:48:45,118 --> 01:48:46,802
Huzzah!
2130
01:49:18,860 --> 01:49:20,444
Guess you didn't see that coming.
2131
01:49:20,445 --> 01:49:22,629
Twenty degrees right.
2132
01:49:22,906 --> 01:49:24,156
Fill that gap!
2133
01:49:24,157 --> 01:49:27,926
Fall upon your swords!
Life has no meaning!
2134
01:49:30,830 --> 01:49:35,100
There will be a mint julep
waiting on the other side, son.
2135
01:49:36,044 --> 01:49:38,603
Release your soul to me.
2136
01:49:56,523 --> 01:49:58,399
Sorry!
2137
01:49:58,400 --> 01:50:00,609
- Sorry! Sorry!
- Sorry!
2138
01:50:00,610 --> 01:50:03,044
Sex Panther powers activate.
2139
01:50:25,719 --> 01:50:27,720
It's the ghost of Stonewall Jackson!
2140
01:50:27,721 --> 01:50:30,931
Everyone, iťs the ghost
of Stonewall Jackson!
2141
01:50:30,932 --> 01:50:33,116
Why do we have to fight?
2142
01:50:33,268 --> 01:50:35,429
There's so much I could learn from you.
2143
01:50:43,278 --> 01:50:45,738
In the name of Margaret Thatcher...
2144
01:50:45,739 --> 01:50:47,740
- No!
- I sentence you to death!
2145
01:50:47,741 --> 01:50:49,966
Please, no!
2146
01:50:53,121 --> 01:50:55,513
What in the name of Dan Issel?
2147
01:50:57,250 --> 01:50:58,417
Gary!
2148
01:50:58,418 --> 01:51:00,352
Yes, Ron.
2149
01:51:01,087 --> 01:51:03,213
You and I never got along.
2150
01:51:03,214 --> 01:51:04,965
But using the power of my mind,
2151
01:51:04,966 --> 01:51:08,234
I was able to see in the future
that you would do good.
2152
01:51:09,554 --> 01:51:11,055
- Now, go.
- I knew it!
2153
01:51:11,056 --> 01:51:12,639
Go to your son's recital.
2154
01:51:12,640 --> 01:51:14,391
I knew you had mind powers!
2155
01:51:14,392 --> 01:51:16,685
And make it the greatest day of your life!
2156
01:51:16,686 --> 01:51:18,937
Almighty, Almighty,
light the fuse on my call.
2157
01:51:18,938 --> 01:51:20,939
Thirty-niner-niner-14, cook these fools.
2158
01:51:20,940 --> 01:51:23,041
I repeat, cook these fools.
2159
01:51:33,703 --> 01:51:36,038
We've got to get out of here.
There's too much news!
2160
01:51:36,039 --> 01:51:37,748
Man, what a rush!
2161
01:51:37,749 --> 01:51:39,249
The monster's my friend!
2162
01:51:39,250 --> 01:51:41,935
Ron, we can still make your kiďs recital!
2163
01:51:42,712 --> 01:51:44,713
Hey, Ronny.
2164
01:51:44,714 --> 01:51:47,883
Jack Lime, please,
I just want to get to my son's recital.
2165
01:51:47,884 --> 01:51:49,802
No! That is out of the question!
2166
01:51:49,803 --> 01:51:50,928
We're outnumbered, Ron.
2167
01:51:50,929 --> 01:51:53,196
Foam the runway, I'm coming in hot!
2168
01:52:04,818 --> 01:52:08,278
Old MacDonald had a farm
2169
01:52:08,279 --> 01:52:10,906
And then four guys on bikes showed up.
2170
01:52:10,907 --> 01:52:14,034
Wes Mantooth and the
Channel Nine news team!
2171
01:52:14,035 --> 01:52:15,494
Hey, what the hell
are you guys doing here?
2172
01:52:15,495 --> 01:52:17,162
This is a national news fight.
2173
01:52:17,163 --> 01:52:19,431
You made one mistake today.
2174
01:52:19,624 --> 01:52:22,084
You messed with somebody
from San Diego.
2175
01:52:22,085 --> 01:52:25,421
It's actually pronounced San Diago.
2176
01:52:25,422 --> 01:52:28,523
Hell, Ron and I
may not agree on everything,
2177
01:52:28,842 --> 01:52:30,175
but we share the bond of being
2178
01:52:30,176 --> 01:52:32,816
from the greatest city
in the history of this Earth.
2179
01:52:33,763 --> 01:52:35,655
Well, ain't that cute?
2180
01:52:35,765 --> 01:52:37,946
But you're outnumbered three-to-one.
2181
01:52:37,947 --> 01:52:39,351
Why don't you go back to your mama?
2182
01:52:39,352 --> 01:52:41,995
Don't you use my mom's name in vain.
2183
01:52:42,230 --> 01:52:44,690
Dorothy Mantooth was
a hard-working single woman
2184
01:52:44,691 --> 01:52:46,567
who raised seven children on her own,
2185
01:52:46,568 --> 01:52:49,236
and she remained sexually
active till the day she died.
2186
01:52:49,237 --> 01:52:52,130
She brought pole dancing
into the mainstream.
2187
01:52:52,240 --> 01:52:55,033
Now here's the thing.
While I've been talking,
2188
01:52:55,034 --> 01:52:59,137
my news team has emptied
their gas tanks at your feet.
2189
01:53:01,541 --> 01:53:04,543
I drop this smoke and
every one of you goes "poof."
2190
01:53:04,544 --> 01:53:06,712
Well, you forgot one thing, leatherman.
2191
01:53:06,713 --> 01:53:08,980
You drop that smoke, you die, too.
2192
01:53:12,218 --> 01:53:14,652
With the things I've done in my life,
2193
01:53:14,971 --> 01:53:17,572
I know I'm going to burn in hell.
2194
01:53:18,057 --> 01:53:21,059
So I sure as shit
ain't afraid to burn here on Earth.
2195
01:53:21,060 --> 01:53:22,853
Oh, my goodness!
2196
01:53:22,854 --> 01:53:25,580
Thaťs the most
badass thing I have ever heard.
2197
01:53:25,732 --> 01:53:27,540
All right!
2198
01:53:28,276 --> 01:53:30,001
Looks like this fighťs over.
2199
01:53:31,446 --> 01:53:33,296
Leťs go, boys.
2200
01:53:33,865 --> 01:53:36,867
Yay! We won! Leťs celebrate!
2201
01:53:36,868 --> 01:53:38,160
Sparklers!
2202
01:53:38,161 --> 01:53:41,513
- No, no, no, Brick!
- No!
2203
01:54:04,854 --> 01:54:07,789
- Bravo! Bravo.
- Yeah.
2204
01:54:09,442 --> 01:54:10,692
Dad!
2205
01:54:10,693 --> 01:54:13,628
Son, I fought a Minotaur to be here.
2206
01:54:13,655 --> 01:54:15,113
And I'd do it again.
2207
01:54:15,114 --> 01:54:19,117
Dad! Together we can defeat voodoo!
2208
01:54:19,118 --> 01:54:21,870
Ron had finally
learned how to love his son
2209
01:54:21,871 --> 01:54:25,140
and his wife more than his career.
2210
01:54:25,583 --> 01:54:28,710
And as it turned out,
his walking off the news
2211
01:54:28,711 --> 01:54:32,564
was the highest-rated
TV event of the year.
2212
01:54:32,715 --> 01:54:35,300
He and his news team,
along with Veronica,
2213
01:54:35,301 --> 01:54:38,486
could have any job they wanted.
2214
01:54:38,596 --> 01:54:42,991
But before that, they had one
little thing to take care of.
2215
01:54:44,811 --> 01:54:49,314
And now, before I join this
couple in holy matrimony,
2216
01:54:49,315 --> 01:54:54,335
Brick and Chani ask us to join them
as they exchange their vows.
2217
01:54:54,737 --> 01:54:56,238
My dearest Brick.
2218
01:54:56,239 --> 01:54:58,506
Everything I have is yours.
2219
01:54:58,908 --> 01:55:01,885
My four lawnmowers. My sister.
2220
01:55:02,370 --> 01:55:04,162
My 35 ferrets.
2221
01:55:04,163 --> 01:55:06,915
My massive student loan
and real estate debt.
2222
01:55:06,916 --> 01:55:08,683
It's all yours.
2223
01:55:10,003 --> 01:55:11,461
Chani.
2224
01:55:11,462 --> 01:55:14,798
I will never forget
the exact moment I saw you.
2225
01:55:14,799 --> 01:55:18,594
My pee-pee got all uncomfortable
in my pants, and I thought,
2226
01:55:18,595 --> 01:55:22,697
"Here comes the warm milkshake
out of the tip of my belly stick."
2227
01:55:25,602 --> 01:55:27,811
Wait! Look!
2228
01:55:27,812 --> 01:55:29,855
Walter, Walter, honey!
2229
01:55:29,856 --> 01:55:32,232
Look in the water!
2230
01:55:32,233 --> 01:55:34,484
It's Doby!
2231
01:55:34,485 --> 01:55:35,777
Oh, my God!
2232
01:55:35,778 --> 01:55:38,530
It's Doby! Doby!
2233
01:55:38,531 --> 01:55:41,325
Ron, what are you doing?
He's not your friend!
2234
01:55:41,326 --> 01:55:43,076
Doby!
2235
01:55:43,077 --> 01:55:45,704
Ron! Thaťs a shark!
2236
01:55:45,705 --> 01:55:48,097
He will eat you!
2237
01:55:48,458 --> 01:55:51,392
Old friends
2238
01:55:52,879 --> 01:55:54,421
Old friends
2239
01:55:54,422 --> 01:55:56,397
Doby!
2240
01:55:56,758 --> 01:56:01,402
Sat on their park bench like bookends
2241
01:56:01,512 --> 01:56:02,804
Oh, my God!
2242
01:56:02,805 --> 01:56:05,073
The shark actually recognizes him!
2243
01:56:06,768 --> 01:56:08,993
Nope. He's viciously attacking him.
2244
01:56:09,395 --> 01:56:12,481
Doby! Doby, iťs me! Ron!
2245
01:56:12,482 --> 01:56:15,108
If a man dies with love in his heart,
2246
01:56:15,109 --> 01:56:17,152
does he truly die?
2247
01:56:17,153 --> 01:56:18,570
Absolutely!
2248
01:56:18,571 --> 01:56:23,241
But on this day, Ron Burgundy's grapple
with this denizen from the deep
2249
01:56:23,242 --> 01:56:27,595
was halted by 28 pounds
of furry providence.
2250
01:56:31,834 --> 01:56:33,601
I bottle-fed you!
2251
01:56:36,089 --> 01:56:37,772
Baxter!
2252
01:56:44,347 --> 01:56:46,114
Baxter!
2253
01:56:46,307 --> 01:56:50,034
Baxter! Yes!
2254
01:56:52,480 --> 01:56:56,332
I know, I know, I love you, too.
2255
01:56:59,153 --> 01:57:01,087
Come on.
2256
02:02:28,858 --> 02:02:30,916
All right, leťs do it.
2257
02:02:32,403 --> 02:02:33,778
You guys think...
2258
02:02:33,779 --> 02:02:35,739
I don't know how to use a computer.
2259
02:02:35,740 --> 02:02:38,616
Hey, fellas.
I just saw Jack Lime out there.
2260
02:02:38,617 --> 02:02:41,327
He's a goddamn iceman.
2261
02:02:41,328 --> 02:02:43,637
Scared the crap out of me.