The sun is out
The sky is blue
There's not a cloud
To spoil the view
But it's raining
Raining in my heart
(scuffling) - Fuck off!
- Come on, you little bitch! - Fuck off!
The weatherman
Says clear today
He doesn't know
You've gone away
And it's raining
Raining in my heart
- Robert... Robert?
Robert, please. Robert?
- My mind's made up, Hershey.
There ain't nothing you can say to stop me. Nothing at all!
- I'm begging you, man. Reconsider.
- Everybody in this town hates me.
They treat me like I'm a turd.
- Not everybody hates you. - Fuck you, Robert Mutt!
(laughing) - No, I'm doing it, all right?
- Loser! - I'm offin' myself.
- It's not that bad. - Not that bad?
Robert Mutt was going to be a big shot in this town.
I'm 30 years old and I can't even look myself
in the mirror anymore.
- Robert, wait. Please, I'm begging you, man.
Come on down. - Back up, all right?
Any closer, Hershey, and you're coming with me.
Tell my mother that I went with dignity.
(croaking)
(yelping)
Woo!
- Come on, Robert. I believe in you.
(gasping)
(laughing) - New record!
Nine of them, George.
That's the new record, right there.
Oh, new record! Nine!
Woo!
- Woo! - Woo!
- Come back here, you son of a bitch!
- Oh yeah! Woo!
(laughing)
That's a new record right there. New record!
Woo! (laughing)
Oh, yeah. Pretty impressive stuff, uh?
Yeah, I put back 46 wieners that night.
So you're the new guy, huh?
What was your name, again, Barry?
(groaning)
Oh, Gary. Sorry about that.
Look, I don't know how it was for you, on the outside,
but people, they used to razz me raw.
"Robert Mutt, you're a douche bag."
"You're a jag-off."
"Somebody crapped in the urinals.
Must have been Robert Mutt again," you know?
(groaning) - On and on it went with these...
Hey, George. - Uh-huh.
- How's it hanging there?
- You know, one of two there, Mutt, one of two.
Listen, got a heads-up for you.
There's a new shrink coming down here from Wawa.
- Yeah?
- Little bird tells me he's something of an air hockey stud.
How do you feel about taking on a doctor?
- Come on, George, air hockey's practically my number one sport.
- That's what I'm talking about.
Goddamn it! That is what I'm talking about.
Hey, Robert, listen.
When I was at the flea market last week,
I picked you up a little something
and I was going to wait 'til your birthday, but shit,
what the hell? - Clinton Manitoba,
Northeastern Inter-County Farm League World Series MVP card.
Oh, George, I needed that one!
- I know that.
- I am going to hit it out of the park against this Dr. Dildo
just like Clinton Manitoba.
- Everyone, it is my great pleasure to welcome
Dr. Hans Everett Pooseby, our brilliant new head specialist.
Dr. Pooseby comes highly recommended
from the asylum near Wawa.
Dr. Pooseby, I think you should just go to it.
- Thank you, Elizabeth.
It behoves me to get started immediately.
(giggling)
All right.
Who's got the action here?
- Focus... focus.
- Oh, hold up! Hold up. Hold up.
Weatherman's on. (TV): - We take you now...
to meteorologist J. Amberson De Whitt
with the local forecast.
- It is going to be a chilly one in Riverside tonight.
So you do like your good pal J. Amberson De Whitt
and stay hot
any which way you can.
Hit it!
- Oh...
Oh, that weatherman, he is too much!
- Yes!
Didn't hear a time-out.
Match point.
- You want to be dirty, Pops? I'll get dirty with ya.
- Sudden death. Sudden death!
- This is ridiculous.
(laughing)
Oh! Oldest trick in the book!
(laughing)
- I beat the doctor!
I beat the doctor! I beat the doctor!
- He got this Dr. Bozo, big time.
Did you see that, Larry? I beat the doctor!
- Now, by allowing Robert to, quote/unquote "win"
this air hockey match,
I forced him into actualizing happiness and self-worth
thereby obliterating his depression.
- What? He said he lost to me on purpose?
No way, buddy. I beat you fair and square.
- Do you hear the passion in this man's voice?
I mean, he may be delusional about his prowess in air hockey
but he's clearly no longer depressed.
- I think we have a man ready to re-enter society.
- Re-enter society? What, are you nuts?
Come on! Open the door.
- Fuck you, Robert Mutt!
- Oh, I see you in there.
Public property!
I can stay here as long as I want to and you can't stop me!
- Public property.
- Yeah, but you got to keep movin' or they'll nail you for lewd vagrancy.
- Hey, Robert.
- Oh, George! George, you have got to help me.
You've got to help me, George.
- They told me to come out here
and shove this tranq in your ass
and put you on the next bus back home.
- But George, I don't want to go back.
I don't want to go back. You gotta help me.
- You remember that contest I had,
where you had to guess how many jelly beans were in that jar?
- Yeah. - How many did you guess?
- Five hundred and thirty-seven.
- And how many were in that jar?
- Five hundred and forty-three. - Exactly.
You missed by six lousy beans.
- Yeah. I won that contest.
I won that contest and I ate all them jelly beans that night.
- And by doing it, you proved to me
that you were a real somebody.
Now you gotta go out there and prove it to everybody else.
- I can't hack it, George.
- Yeah, you can. You know why?
Because Robert Mutt...
is a real somebody.
Say it.
Come on, say it.
- Robert Mutt is a real somebody.
- Can I get a little mustard on that hotdog?
- Robert Mutt is a real somebody.
- Robert Mutt is a real somebody!
- Yeah, Robert Mutt is a real somebody!
- You go on out there and prove it to 'em.
- Okey dokey, George. I'll do it.
But George, just one thing. - What's that, good buddy?
- Will you shove that tranq in my ass and put me on the next bus home?
- You got it.
- Oh!
- He's got a big heart.
God help him.
(laughing)
- Oh, God!
- Fuckin' cunt.
- I want to get off, please!
- Fuckin' psycho.
(laughing)
- I'd like to get off, please! Can I please get off now?
(chanting): Douche bag!
- Robert Mutt is not a douche bag.
(chanting): Douche bag! Douche bag! Douche bag!
(laughing)
Howdy partner.
You wouldn't be willing to rent me your wheels
for a little while, would you, huh?
Okay, look. I have got a double.
This Clinton Manitoba rookie card, near mint. Hmm?
- Is that a sucker you got there?
Oh, yeah. Sure is.
That's unopened.
Strawberry-banana, I believe.
I live at 647 West Locust Drive.
You come by later, pick up your bike
and I'd be willing to give you a load of these suckers for your trouble.
(chiming)
(squealing)
- Hello, young man! Oh! (mumbling)
Oh... My pants fell down.
Wanna smell my flower, hmm? - No, not really.
- Oh!
You got all wet.
He got all wet.
Oh, my little friend.
Oh, naughty boy.
Fuck me.
- Fiona, get in the house right now!
You bastard!
You sick bastard!
How dare you send my family unsolicited e-mails
full of your child pornography?
- What? - Sick, filthy,
horrible images... I found a thousand of them on Fred's computer.
- And he sent them to me, every last one of them.
Over e-mail! - E-mail!
- E-mail? Do I look like, a scientist to you guys?
I never done an e-mail in my life.
- Bullshit! Fact: You sent me that kiddie porno because,
fact: you are a kiddie porn pervo! (crowd gasping)
And that's why they're on my computer!
(crowd gasping) Hey!
Look at that bike! What did you do with the kid?
I did nothing with him. He lent me his bike, I gave him a sucker.
He's coming by later and I'll give him a whack more.
- So that's how he lures them in-- suckers!
You sick sonofabitch. I'm calling the cops!
- Oh, no, no! Winnie, Winnie.
This is a neighbourhood issue, right? - Yeah!
- We're going to handle this ourselves, right?
Now, you listen to me, you...
douche bag Satanist
faggot fuck!
Keep your mouth shut.
And you better get your scummy ass right back to that loony bin.
- I can't, Mr. Steinke. The doctors told me I was cured.
- Oh-ho-ho! And how did they cure you of being a pervo?
- They didn't cure me of being a pervo! - Well, there you go.
They cured me of trying to off myself, all right?
A bunch of times. - Well, boo hoo.
- You aren't going to be hearing a peep out of me. Promise.
Mr. Steinke, just because you used to be my Boy Scout troop leader
don't make you the boss of me no more.
- You get the fuck in there! And stay in there!
See him run?
That's a faggot pervo run.
- What is she doing now?
(gasping)
(moaning)
- She's on the fucking show, okay?
- You better not be jacking me off, Becky.
- I ain't jacking you off. - Yes! Yes!
(laughing loudly)
You've just been booked on AM Riverside!
- Holy cow! Holy cow! - Your Uncle Casper
told you you'll be a star, huh?
I hope you're ready, 'cause here it comes!
- I'm ready, Uncle Casper. I'm totally ready.
- Good. 'Cause I was thinking about your name, sweetheart.
And... no offence, but Mutt-- that's no name for a star.
- It's gone. - Really?
Oh, good. Good, 'cause I was envisioning
like a Sierra, you know. Like a Storm?
Stormy Blaze.
Stormy Blaze! It's perfect!
It's fucking perfect!
- Perfect name for a hoochie-cooch dancer, maybe.
- Are you fucking kidding me? What are you doing here?
- I'm home to roost, FYI. - Not on my watch, Robert.
Your sister Stormy here's on the verge of a major breakout.
And you're a PR disaster just waiting to happen.
- Look, Uncle Casper, I don't know when you decided
to make my kid sister here into the next Bonnie Tyler or whatever,
but a fact: this house belongs to my mother, all right?
And fact: I'm going to go hop in the shower.
Excuse me.
- Stormy, handle this. - Mom!
She's got a photo shoot in that shower in 15 minutes.
- Mom! Robert is a PR nightmare waiting to happen.
Tell him that he can't stay here.
Tell him!
(beeping)
- Ah...
- Hot dog! You heard her. - Go fuck yourself.
- Thanks, Mom.
You're not going to be sorry.
I am going to prove to everybody in this town
that Robert Mutt is a real somebody.
- Uh... Uh...
- Yeah, I'm glad to see you too, Mom.
You know I sure missed our talks.
(barking)
- Yeah, I missed you too, Kirstie.
Oh, no hard feelings, huh, guys?
Maybe after my shower we can all play a little Yahtzee, huh?
What the eff, Uncle Casper?!
- I'm not letting you bugger up Stormy's career!
- Veronica, please!
It's Stormy now, fuck-tard!
- Stay away from your sister!
- Oh, come on, open up!
Open up, for cryin' out loud!
(gasping) - What the fuck...?
(mumbling) - What's he doing?
(humming)
(indistinct)
(yelling)
- Look, Mr. Steinke,
if some whacko has been using my name
to send dirty pictures with a computer--
- Shut the fuck up! - Call in the cops.
Get them to sort the whole thing out.
- You better get your pervo ass out of Riverside!
- Fred! Where are you?! - He's in Mrs. Palermo's backyard!
- Mrs. Palermo's backyard! Hurry up!
- Hershey, I need your help!
Hershey! Hershey!
You in there?
- Robert! Hey! Oh, my God.
When did you get out?
- This morning. They kicked me out.
- What happened to your clothes? - Veronica.
What's your excuse?
- Oh, I'm just doing my thing.
- Hershey, I am getting it
a hundred times worse than I ever did before.
Old Mr. Steinke, he's convinced everybody
that I'm some kind of kiddie porn pervo.
- That's really heavy but the universe has sent you to the right place.
You know, I've been doing a lot of research lately.
I think I figured out how to lead a vision quest. Come.
Let the grandfathers illuminate the way.
- He ran down there!
- All right. Maybe just one vision quest. Go!
Go, Hershey! Go!
- Cookie, I want you to meet my best friend, Robert Mutt.
Robert, this is my girlfriend, Cookie.
- What's the matter? Ain't you ever seen a naked girl before?
- Oh, I seen one in a magazine once.
I'm pretty sure she had clothes on, though.
- All right. We gonna do this thing or what?
Robert, close your eyes.
Okay...
Let's take some long, deep breaths.
Whoa!
Holy cow!
Clinton Manitoba.
(chuckling) - Every goddamn day of my life.
- I am your biggest fan. The name's Robert R. Mutt.
- You're that fella that's trying to prove
you're somebody, aren't you?
- That's right, Clinton, a real somebody.
Any advice on how a fella'd go about
doing that if he was me, would you?
- Take a knee.
Now, listen here.
I don't give a rat's ass
whether your name is Clinton Manitoba
or Robert R. Mutt.
If you want to prove you're somebody, you're going to need three things.
A girl...
some money...
and a championship ring
right around your finger.
- If you got a girl,
you got some money... and what was the other one again?
- A championship ring right around your finger.
That's the big one. - That's the big one.
- You got it.
- Oh, wow! Clinton Manitoba talking to me.
- Let's see some hustle, Champ.
- Oh, you bet I will. Thanks a million.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you...
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you... - Goddammit! Get off me.
- Robert? - Get off of me.
- Take it easy.
- Hershey, you are never going to believe
who I just met on my vision quest.
- I'm glad your positivity's flowing again, Robert.
You seemed really out of balance before, man.
- Yeah, well, Clinton Manitoba has shown me the way.
- God, the thought of that sleaze-ball wigs me the fuck out.
- Clinton Manitoba hit the game-winning homerun
in the 1986 Northeastern Inter-County Farm League World Series.
For your information, Cookie, that man's a hero.
- The guy's a menace to anything in a skirt.
There are hundreds of his twisted videos on the Internet.
- Yeah, well, that figures.
Be dead and buried before you'd catch me looking at an Internet.
Hershey! There it is.
My championship ring. Lookit!
- In a magical universe, Robert, there are no coincidences.
- Twenty-five effin' dollars. Might as well be a hundred.
Hershey, where do you get your money at?
- I rely strictly on the barter system.
- Right. That figures. - You know, Robert,
if you're desperate I think Euge needs a new delivery boy.
- Me, a delivery boy?
What, like a paper route or something?
- All right. Now, my racket's strictly contraband.
Dope, pills, furs, concert tickets,
sex toys, you name it.
- Euge, when did you get into this hardcore shit?
- The writing's on the wall, Hershey.
Guns and crystal are the wave of the future.
Five years from now everybody and their mother's going to be
packing heat and fucked out of their minds on meth.
- Maybe you should get into baseball cards.
- What are you, a fucking cop?
Cookie, am I going to be able to trust this dildo?
- How far do you think you could throw him?
Seriously, Robert's harmless.
I don't think the elevator goes all the way to the top.
- Harmless and stupid. It's a perfect combo.
Fuck it. I'll take a chance.
This is going to the roller rink, snack area.
The connection will be a table beside the skating rink.
This is a human liver for transplant.
Phew! (sniffing)
So that's got to be dropped off no later than tomorrow morning 9am.
- Check! - The rest by the end of the day.
This shit is netting me almost two grand.
So if you don't fuck it up, I'll give you 10% of everything.
- I don't mean to haggle with you, Mr. Dillion,
but I'm going to need $25.
- Oh!
- Robert, I'm no mathematician but I think 10 percent--
- Shh, Hershey! - Yeah. Shh, Hershey.
Okay, you drive a hard bargain, Mutt.
But 25 bucks it is.
- You will not be disappointed.
- Robert. Hey, Euge, man, come on.
- Quiet, Hershey. - All right.
Let's celebrate.
Who wants to eat some magic mushrooms?
- All right, I'm starving. - Try to get one with a cap.
Hershey? - Mm, I love mushrooms.
- Whoa. Whoa, Robert, not too many of those.
- Come on! - What?
- Put the ketamine in my sock.
Take the envelope from my shirt.
This never happened.
(baby crying)
Easy-peasy, Japan-easy.
These magic mushroom thingo's kick in for you guys yet?
(giggling)
You bet.
- Holy moley.
Guys, if I gotta get a girl,
I think maybe I might want that one right over there.
- You know, Robert, if I was single
and you came over and said hello to me,
my panties would be around my ankles in about two seconds flat.
(echoing): ...around my ankles in about two seconds flat.
- Baby cakes, that was so generous.
- Hershey! - Yeah!
- Hershey, get over here!
- How may I help you, Robert?
- Pissed my pants, Hershey. Take a look.
- Let's see.
Oh, man. I don't want to pull the curtain back too far, man,
but you're totally dry.
You're totally dry. - Oh.
- You're tripping out, dude.
- Oh, my gosh.
Those magic mushrooms, totally magical.
Totally magical mushrooms.
Okay, Hershey. Go on, beat it. Thank you.
Oh, pretty artsy-looking if you ask me.
Oh, say, how's the cocoa around here?
- Try this on for size.
- Oh!
Oh, that is a good cup of cocoa.
I mean, it's not as good as the kind at the asylum--
- You did time at East Riverside Mental?
- Sure. I tried to off myself a whack of times.
- Me too!
- Oh...
- My therapist said it was a cry for help.
- Mine said I had a thing or two to learn about tying slip knots.
- I'm Edna Kemperton.
- I'm Robert Mutt.
- Hey, rainbow bright!
Those fucking grease traps won't clean themselves!
Okay? - In a minute!
(Arabic)
That motherfucker!
I will gut you like a fucking pig!
I'm sorry, Robert.
The cocoa's on me.
Stop by any time.
I don't know if my mother would approve of me making time
with a lady who wants to gut people like pigs.
- That chick's a whacko.
- There's plenty of fish in the sea, Robert.
And you are a helluva catch. - Oh, come on, Hersh.
Gimme a break. - No. I'm serious, Robert.
You know what? You could have any woman you wanted.
I ain't lying to you.
- Oh, come on now.
That Mr. Steinke's gone too far with this.
- What are you going to do about that, Robert?
- I'm going to have a little chat with him.
See if maybe they won't listen to reason for once.
- For the safety of our kids we must drive this menace
from our town!
(cheering)
And if he doesn't leave, we only got one option left.
- Kill him. - Chemical castration!
- Yeah! - Think of the children.
- That's right! (cheering)
(crowd): Castrate him! - Hey!
- Okay, Cookie! Go!
(crowd): Castrate him! Castrate him! Castrate him!
(disco music from the house)
- Great. Is it Tuesday already?
(sighing)
Okay, Robert, look.
Daddy and his friends have certain proclivities.
Just find an empty guest room and lock the door, okay?
- Don't worry about me. I got a big day ahead of me tomorrow.
Going straight to bed. - Good.
- Come on, Slave! - All right.
- Shut up! - Yes, Mistress.
- Down the stairs. - Yes, Mistress.
- Shut up.
- Hey, you didn't tell me this was a costume party!
I could have gone as a pirate.
Could have gone as a wizard, you know, or a robot.
Oh, my God!
All right, don't worry, buddy. I'll get you free in a jiff here!
Come on, Hershey. Help me with this guy's legs.
- Robert, no, no, no.
- Where are ya, big boy? - Daddy, I thought you promised
to confine your little soirees to the basement.
- I am sorry, my little Cookie flower.
Rest assured Phillip's indiscretion
will not go unpunished.
(gasping) I don't believe
we've had the pleasure.
J. Amberson De Whitt
is my name. - Robert R. Mutt, Mr. De Whitt.
And believe me, the pleasure is all mine.
Cookie, you didn't tell me your dad was the weatherman.
- Seven days a week.
- Three hundred and sixty-five days of the year.
- Listen, Daddy, me and Hershey are going to hit the hay.
And so should Robert.
- Oh, come on, Cookie.
A few of your dad's proclivities ain't going to kill me here.
- Promise me you'll take it easy. Take it easy on him.
- Yeah. - Good night, kids.
All right, Bobby.
Let me give you the rules of the house.
Number one, there are no rules.
The safe word is "rutabaga."
That's what you say if things get a little too intense.
And you gotta check out the marathon room.
I really think that they're going for a record in there.
- Oh, a record, huh?
I've been known to break a few records in my day.
One night I put back 46 wieners.
- Well, you're gonna love this place.
- Go get 'em, Bobby!
(moaning)
- Dr. Elizabeth?
- Looking for a rematch, huh, fun boy?
- Who's next? - What about the new guy?
- You're next, boy.
- Rutabaga!
Rutabaga!
Rutabaga! Rutabaga! Rutabaga! Rutabaga! Rutabaga!
(echoing): Rutabaga! Rutabaga!
- So, it wasn't your cup of tea.
But the moral of the story is
you've just got to let Bobby be Bobby.
- I don't know who this Bobby character is, but I'm tellin' ya,
that room had rutabaga written all over it.
Oh, no! Oh, no!
For crying out loud, they took almost all of Euge's loot.
- Bobby, you cannot leave party favours lying around
and expect people to say "please."
- What the hell am I going to do?
I'm supposed to be delivering all this crap tomorrow.
- Son! When adversity rears its ugly head,
you've just got to grab it by the ears
and fuck it right in the face.
- Oh...
(gagging) Mr. De Whitt.
- Mm? - That liver...
(hyperventilating)
That liver...
- It's doggone delicious, Bobby.
You must give me the name of your butcher.
- No. Mister... - Bobby...
(hyperventilating)
Breathe deep, son. Breathe deep.
That's it. One more.
Good night, Bobby.
(TV): ...released from jail, Abraham has taken college classes,
spoken at churches and recorded a rap album.
We take you now to J. Amberson De Whitt with the local forecast.
- Arr, me maties!
This be your ruthless Captain J. Amberson De Whitt.
Swab the poop decks
and shiver me timbers!
But seriously, folks, you'll be shivering
more than your timbers on this frosty afternoon.
- Afternoon? - Ken?
- Aw, crap!
(high-pitched voice): You're fuckin' late.
You bring the stuff?
- I got it. You bring the money?
- I got an I.O.U.
- Okey dokey. Pleasure doing beeswax with ya.
- This is for you.
- Robert Mutt, if you don't leave town,
your balls are mine... chemically!
(growling)
(buildings crumbling)
(crowd in panic)
- Hey, Edna. Is that douche bag your new fuck-buddy, freak?
- Eat shit and die, asshole!
- Sheesh. Huh.
(sighing)
Why can't I just meet a nice normal girl?
Jeepers. Wow. She's taller than me.
Oh, and a real looker, too.
Sexy. (laughing)
- Stupid tranny!
(laughing)
- Aaah!
(grunting)
All right, you hoodlums, scram!
You don't steal a lady's wig. Never!
Here you go, ma'am.
Sorry about them two jag-offs razzin' ya, huh.
- You're my knight in shining armour.
- The name's Mutt, Robert R.
- I'm Dixie.
- You know, you are a knock-out even without hair.
But, oh man, as a carrot-top? Man!
- You know what they say, you catch more flies with honey.
- Would you like to skate with me?
(disco music)
My head is bad
My mind's all through
Ain't been so stoned
Since I was new
The streets are cold
The people are too
Aw but you look like a lady
Let me sing my songs to you
Can't find a place to lay me down
Can't find a face without a crown
Can't find a hand I can hold to
Aw but you look like a lady
Let me sing my songs to you
(insects chirping)
- I guess I'm just an old-fashioned kind of gal, really.
My dream is a little house, a couple of kids.
Those mixed ones are awfully cute.
And a loving husband who brings home the bacon.
- I want to be a real somebody.
That's what I dream.
- From where I'm lying right now, Robert, you're well on your way.
- Yeah, tell that to my neighbours.
They all think I'm a pervo.
- Why would they think that?
- It's that Grinch, Mr. Steinke.
He's got all this kiddie porn on his computer
and he's convinced everybody on West Locust
that I sent it to him on e-mails.
Like I know the first thing about computer science.
- Hey, I wouldn't worry about that Steinke guy.
Child pornographers always get what they deserve.
- Dixie, if I was your husband I would bring you home so much bacon
it would make you sick.
- Oh...
- Owee, for cripe's sake, Dixie, come on.
- Robert, what are you packing down there?
- Oh, that's a.22 cal-- - Oh.
- Take it easy, Dixie. Look, I got the safety on.
Oh, crap! Whoops.
- Robert, what are you doing with a gun?
- I'm just delivering it. I deliver all kinds of this crazy crap.
Look, I even got a grenade. Check it out.
Animal movies, ah, roofie pills. I got a...
- Maybe you shouldn't be messing around with this stuff.
- Oh, come on, Dixie. A fella's got to make a buck somehow.
- Drugs and guns hurt people, baby.
A real somebody doesn't hurt people.
Maybe you should give it to me and I'll get rid of it for you.
- Well, I'm sorry, all right, Dixie. I didn't know.
I mean, I knew this stuff was exotic, I just...
I didn't know, you know?
- It's all right. You're a real sweet guy.
Don't change that.
Dix--
- Not even 48 fuckin' hours
have you been my mule
and already you lost two grand worth of product!
- No. I didn't lose it, all right.
Most of that stuff was stolen at the weatherman's party.
For the rest, I got I.O.U.'s. There's money in the bank.
- Jesus Christ, what the fuck is the matter with you?!
You have got to be the biggest douche bag on the planet
or else you're trying to fuck me blue.
Is that it? Are you trying to fuck me blue, Mutt?
Blue? No. No siree, Bob.
And, frankly, Mr. Dillion, I'm finding your tone a little--
How the fuck do you like the tone of this, you cocksucker?
- Hey, Euge, let's cool the action here, man.
Robert's going to pay you back. He's good for it.
- Fine.
I don't wanna see the King of Marvin Gardens here
until he's got my lettuce. Is that crystal, guy?
- It's totally crystal.
- If you really want to rake in the dough, Ari,
you got to throw a hype shindig. - Becoming a fucking man.
The whole shul is gonna pay out anyways.
- Maybe but, you got to spend money to make money.
Ah, look who it is again. This fucking bitch.
- Uh, excuse me, boys.
But I could get my hands on those cans when you're done?
I'm collecting for the deposit.
- We're having a fuckin' conversation here.
Anyway, I just look at it as overdue hush money for the bris.
Five grand is the least you could expect
after having to endure that. (laughing)
- Whoa, five grand? In dollars?
Where do you kids get your hands on that kind of loot?
- You have a Bar Mitzvah and your friends and family give you cash.
- Oh!
- Robert, I must say, this interest you have in the Jewish faith is truly...
forgive me, I'm plotzing!
- Yes! Yes.
Rabbi, is there any way I could possibly do
this whole Bar Mitzvah deal this Saturday?
- Have you been circumcised yet?
- Uh...
- I'll buzz the moyel.
Larry, can you come down here, please?
And bring the kit.
- All right.
Yes!
(slicing)
(screaming)
(Hebrew)
- This is for all you doubters out there.
You better just shut your stupid mouths right now.
My name's Stormy.
I used to think
That I couldn't make it on my own
Yeah
But then I learned that I can't let myself be afraid
Of destiny
'Cause nothing can stop me
From getting what I know I got coming to me
Ooooh
I got what it takes
And I'm just too beautiful
Beautiful and free
When I look in the mirror
I see forever
And I know that forever
It's going to belong
It's going to belong to me
Yeah
What do you think about that, haters?
- Ladies and gentlemen, Stormy Blaze.
Stormy Blaze everyone, uh?!
(applauding)
- I'm going for a smoke.
You better have my cheque ready, retard.
- Uh... okay...
for those of you who did bother showing up, thanks for coming.
I guess it's time for me to open my presents. So...
Cookie, you want to bring me up that shoe box there?
Thank you.
Wow! A Rambo knife!
Oh, ho! Look at that.
Who is that from?
Oh, "Love, Edna Kemperton".
All right, moving on.
All right, let's see.
"I.O.U. one Bar Mitzvah present. Eugene Dillion."
(laughing)
Yeah, real creative, Euge.
All right, one more here.
Wow! Two thousand smackeroos!
That's amazing!
It's a bill from the rental hall.
Guys, come on. My air hockey championship is tomorrow.
You know what?
Eff... eff this whole Bar Mitzvah thing.
- You are going to make Eugene Dillion a very happy man.
(whining)
- What's the big idea, Euge?
- Well, obviously, you're not going to be able
to pay me my money anytime soon, so I'm grabbing myself some collateral.
- What? - I'm taking your pooch, Jew Boy.
- Come on. (whining)
- Kirstie! That dog belongs to my mother, you schmuck!
- Boy, you know, I remember he used to run through the sprinklers right here.
Naked as jay birds.
Back and forth, back and forth.
- The devil.
- Soaking wet.
- Couldn't have been more than three years old.
Even then that little bugger knew what he was doing.
- That's right, huh.
- Huh! Little Robert Mutt.
Boy, you know, if I had my way, I wouldn't even do it chemically.
I'd get right in there and I'd...
(chomping) - Oh...
Want another beer, honey?
- And, Kirstie, she won that doggie vacation
and now the little bugger is off to Waikiki.
So you don't gotta worry about her, Mom.
She's going to be just fine. And I'm going to be fine, too.
You don't gotta worry about me, either.
(crying)
Okay, to be honest, I've really screwed up here, Mom,
and I don't know if I can hack it anymore.
All I wanted was to be a real somebody.
I have been busting my hump
for practically a whole week and it just ain't working.
Now, I got this air hockey championship tomorrow
and they want $25.
I mean, where the heck is a guy supposed to come up
with that kind of loot, you know?
For tomorrow.
- Uh...
Uh... uh...
- But Mom, that's your retirement fund.
(TV): The kind of thing you dream about.
You dream about that s... so much,
boy, you can taste it in your mouth.
Tonight Clinton Manitoba
tastes that s... right in his own mouth.
And I got my championship ring.
I dedicate this ring to my baby girl, Regina Manitoba.
Her daddy got a championship ring!
Yee-ha!
- Read 'em and weep-- twenty-five dollars.
- Sir, are you here with a child?
- Look, I just came here to play air hockey, all right?
Robert Mutt. Sign me up.
Lucky number 5734, please and thank you.
- Sir, the poster clearly states
that this tournament is for children aged 8 to 11.
- I got the poster right here, smart guy.
We'll just see about that, won't we?
What? All right, that was not there before.
You guys added that. - Lester, do you know who this is?
This is that child pornographer.
I bet he's trying to sneak into the girls' change room.
- I already changed at home, thank you very much.
You know, and FYI, those accusations are total bull crap.
- Well, I think it's "bull crap" that a grown man
would wear a get-up like that to a child's tournament.
- My mother made me this costume, you witch.
- Ow! - Yeah!
I just came here to get my championship ring, all right?
There ain't nothing anybody can do to stop me.
All right, nothing at all.
(gasping)
- Wow!
(gasping)
(groaning)
- Clinton, thank God.
Look, I am going to need another three things,
to get to be a real somebody, okay?
Because these ones, man, oh man.
- Do you remember the Northeastern Inter-County
Farm League World Series?
- I remember. You hit that homerun--
- Let me finish my story now.
Game seven, bottom of the ninth.
Oshawa Savages got us down by two.
They had their star closer on the mound.
A harelipped piece of trash by the name of Booth Garrett.
That fucker could throw some filthy stuff.
But goddammit if I was going to let him take my championship ring.
He lets loose a cut fast ball.
I could see that thing coming like it was in slow motion.
- So you're saying that I gotta give it my all,
to be a real somebody, too?
- What I'm saying is that if Clinton Manitoba
wasn't already a real somebody, he never would have made it
to the Northeastern Inter-County Farm League World Series.
- Oh, so you're saying that I already am a somebody
and I just don't know it yet.
- What I'm saying is, some people are meant to be somebodies
and some people are meant to be nobodies.
- But, Clinton, you're talking in riddles here.
What are you saying?
- I'm saying, give the fuck up, Robert, 'cause you're a nobody!
You might as well go down to skid row
with all the rest of the nobodies.
'Cause that's where you belong.
(coughing)
- I told you it'd work.
(groaning)
- Hey, Robert, you okay?
- No. And I got a splitting headache.
- Man, that barbarian hit you hard, huh?
- Oh!
- For what it's worth, Robert, I'm sorry they didn't let you play air hockey.
- Can you blame them?
Why would they want a nobody like me in their big fancy tournament?
- Come on. There's going to be tons of other tournaments, man.
- You just don't get it, Hershey.
God, this was my one shot.
My one shot at my championship ring and I blew it!
Why am I trying to explain myself to you two bozos anyway?
I mean, the two of you are just joking around day after day.
Forget it! You know what?
Just forget it! I'm out of here.
- Robert, where are you going?
- Hey, for your information, Cookie, I'm a nobody,
so I'm going down to skid row, where I belong.
Don't you try to find me, neither.
- Excuse me.
Hey, uh...
I hate to bother you guys.
Any of you fellas know where a guy could go to hit rock bottom?
In the waking hours of some not-too-distant morning
You come walking barefoot
Through this cowl pulled mind Spare some change?
Selling yesterday's dreams wrapped in tomorrow's paper
Whistling for a dog named Kindness that you'll never find
It's a cold
Hard
World love
And these are cold hard times
These are cold hard times
I heard my brother died last week
Or was that just a rumour
From an overdose of hate
Taken in his veins
I heard the preacher said
God must have a sense of humour
'Cause when they put him in the grave
It didn't even rain
It's a cold
Hard
World love
These are cold hard times
- Find your own darn box!
- I don't want your box, Robert.
- Edna.
What are you doing here?
- Oh, Robert, I'm so happy
I found you here. - Why is that?
- This town has chewed you up
and spit you out just like it did me.
But, don't worry. We'll show them.
I've got all the fire power we'll need.
- Holy moly, Edna. (clock ticking)
- Come on, Robert.
What do you say we blow City Hall to smithereens?
Prove to this whole town they fucked with the wrong people.
- You know, Edna, this plan of yours is awfully romantic
and I'm flattered you'd think of me.
But, Edna...
I've got to take a pass.
I'm sorry.
- Aw!
Why is it every time I meet a guy I like,
he doesn't want to blow up City Hall with me?
- Ah... - What's wrong with me?
- Nothing. Nothing, Edna. It's just...
you get more flies with honey.
- You're a stupid idiot, Robert.
If you don't have the guts to stick up for yourself
then you're never going to get anywhere.
You're a douche bag, Robert Mutt.
- Fuck you, Robert Mutt!
(sighing)
- I'm just going to come right out and level with you here, buddy.
I haven't got a cent. Or I mean zilch.
I got a double of this Clinton Manitoba
'83 rookie card.
I'd be willing to part with it for a hot cup of cocoa.
- That'd be a gyp. (laughing)
- Yeah? What do you know?
- Them fucking cards ain't worth the paper they're printed on.
That's what.
- You know, I've been Clinton Manitoba's biggest fan since ever.
So what do you say about that, smart guy?
(spitting)
(giggling)
- Oh, my God, Clinton!
- Huh. How'd you guess?
Set him up, Irv.
Been a helluva long time since there've been
any Clinton Manitoba fans around here, I must say.
- Oh, come on, Clinton.
You won us the Northeastern Inter-County
Farm League World Series
against that harelipped piece of trash, Booth Garrett.
- Yeah, well, nobody gives a diddly shit about that anymore.
Not since my... sex tapes turned up on the Internet.
- Hey, you know what I say?
Eff those Internets right in the face.
- Fuck the Internet. - Right in the face.
- Because I like to play with a little pussy
and videotape myself doing it, what's wrong with that?
- Yeah, nothing wrong with that at all. I'm a dog man myself.
His name's Kirstie. Hey, you want to see a picture?
- No.
I'm just kind of lonesome. I lost my wife Delia.
Getting killed by a speeding train.
You know...
Fucking thing just mowed her down and now...
all I got left is my dear daughter, Regina Manitoba.
(coughing) Jesus!
(choking)
(vomiting)
Goddamn! - Geez, Clinton, you all right?
- Doctor told me I got a tapeworm.
The goddamn thing's apparently about 15 feet long.
As big around as your wrist.
I heard that it's some kind of record.
- A record, huh?
(chuckling)
A tapeworm record.
(laughing)
(phone ringing)
- Hello. - Hershey.
You'll never guess who I'm with. - Robert.
Tell me you're at your mom's.
- No. Clinton Manitoba! The real one this time.
- Robert?
You're fucked up right now. We're coming to get you, okay?
- Cookie, listen, all right. I don't need your guys's help.
I wanted to apologize.
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called you guys names before.
- Robert, don't worry about it, man.
It's all water under the bridge. But seriously,
where are you right now?
(glass breaking)
- Clinton just went down! I gotta go, guys!
Whoa! Whoa!
- Robert. - Robert?
- Get us a cab to my house.
- Oh, hey, barkeep. My buddy here
had a little bit too much to drink.
I'm taking him back to his place. In a cab.
(grunting)
Okay.
Easy does it.
(banging) Oh!
- Yeah, Mr. Steinke. I think I found that sex offender of yours.
(grunting)
- Home sweet home.
- Wow!
- Shut the door, Robert. - Okay.
- Thank you.
- Upward...
one at a time.
(grunting)
There we are.
There you go.
Want me to take your hat off? - Don't even try it.
Listen here, Robert. You've been a nice guy and I appreciate it.
You're welcome to stay here with me until you get on your feet.
- Oh, wow, Clinton!
You are too kind.
Ah...
- Listen.
We do have some guest rooms in this place.
- Oh. Yeah?
That'd be fine, too.
- All right, then.
- Nighty night, Clinton.
(sighing)
- Uh...
- Hello?
Hello?
I guess you must be Clinton's daughter, Regina.
Nice to meet you. I'm Robert.
Just put your dad to bed.
You want me to turn your lights off for you?
- Uh...
- Okay. Guess I could sit and chat for a while.
(TV): ...are saying that the man appeared rational
except for being naked.
We take you now to J. Amberson De Whitt with the local forecast.
(laughing)
- Too much!
(laughing)
I can't believe you love J. Amberson, too.
I met him, you know? I was partying with him just the other day.
- What the hell are you doing with my daughter?!
I'm gonna smash your fucking head in!
- Easy! I'm just combing her hair. It's full of tats.
- She's got no tats in her hair! - Well, it was all knotted up.
You know, and, also Clinton, you've got to watch her IV, all right?
You had it turned way down.
I mean, geez Louise, this girl was practically running on fumes.
She tells me it's been that way for days.
- She's speaking to you? - You kidding me?
She's been cracking jokes left, right and centre.
(chuckling)
She ever told you this one?
Hey, Regina, how many catatonics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- Uh... (laughing)
- That one gets me every time.
- Jesus.
Who's gonna dry your big blue eyes
Day after day
Who's gonna jump when you say "frog"
Who's gonna bow and scrape
After I've gone away
Who's gonna kiss ya
And who's gonna miss ya
Who's gonna hold to your hand
Who's gonna chop
Your kindlin' wood
After I've made new plans
Hey who's gonna be your man
Who's gonna bring you your breakfast in bed
Who's gonna whisper good night
Who's gonna keep you as warm as toast
On those cold winter nights
And who's gonna be your puppy dog
When I'm a thing of the past
Hey who's gonna mow your grass
- And the fairy angel princess, she told her little jester,
"Don't you worry. You got nothing to worry about.
" 'Cause I'm not gonna let that jag-off queen lop your head off.
'Cause I think you're funny."
And then she said, "You don't gotta worry about that.
You're gonna keep your head and..."
Then the two of them, they just...
they decided that they'd have a little lie down.
What's wrong, Clinton?
- Clinton Manitoba hasn't been a good daddy
for some time now.
- Come on, Clinton. Don't be so hard on yourself.
I mean, with that tapeworm of yours and all.
- Yeah. Well, that's just it.
They found out too late.
Ain't got much time left.
Baby girl,
that old tapeworm's gonna take me out.
Doc says ain't nothing I can do about it.
- Nothing, Clinton? - No.
- Nothing at all?
No, no, no...
Northeastern Inter-County MVPs aren't supposed to die.
Not like this. You're a hero, Clinton.
I mean, you should die in a fire or something.
- I wish I could...
stick my hand up my own ass
and just yank it out.
But the thing is, I just can't reach around that far.
My only regret is I'm not going to be around
for my baby girl.
Little Regina Manitoba's going to be all on her own.
(sobbing)
- Well, you know who is going to be there for her, Clinton?
Me. That's who.
Yours truly. So you don't gotta worry about a thing, all right?
Except for maybe dying of that tapeworm.
But other than that, Clinton, you are on Easy Street, all right?
- How do you figure that?
- I figure I'm going to marry this girl.
If she'll have me.
- Uh...
(gasping)
- Oh! (giggling)
I normally wouldn't... - Oh, come on!
- Why not? Why not?
- Let's keep it kind of simple, okay?
A little buffet, flowers, my own personal videographer.
- Oh! And as far as entertainment goes, my sister Stormy,
she has got a great set of pipes. But it's not cheap.
- Money is the last thing you gotta worry about.
I got plenty of that to go around.
One thing you haven't thought of,
you're gonna need yourself a wedding ring.
- No, Clinton. Come on!
- It's yours.
- I guess I'm going to have to wear something special.
- I'll give you an old suit. You'll be fine.
- Ho!
- Robert, this whole wedding thing,
isn't it a bit sudden?
- Hershey, this girl is fantastic.
- I'm just saying-- - I'm telling ya,
this girl, Regina, and me, we just make sense.
- Sounds like you found yourself a perfect match, Robert.
- Totally.
- Leave town!
(indistinct yelling)
- Here he is! Here he is! Come on, now!
- Robert, I didn't know you had so many friends.
- Oh, no.
(yelling)
- What are we going to make him do?!
(crowd): Leave town!
- And if he doesn't?!
(crowd): Castrate him!
- How are we gonna castrate him?!
(crowd): Chemically!
- Castrate him!
- Castrate him! Castrate him!
Castrate him!
- Euge, you got a gun. Fire off a couple warning shots.
- Euge Dillion do not stick his neck out for nobody.
- I got something for you, you pervo!
- That's for you, motherfucker!
(yelling)
- Aw, geez!
- Chemically!
Chemically!
- Hey! Hey! Hey!
You people got three seconds to get off of my land!
Get away from that car! Or I'm gonna start swinging!
One...!
- Let's get him!
Castrate him!
- Two...!
- Let's turn 'em over!
(dog whining)
- You're scaring the fuckin' dog!
- Two and a half...!
- Castrate him!
- Stop! I gotta say something!
Come on, let me talk to you! Please, let me speak!
Would you let me speak? - Fuck 'em.
Would you let me talk?
- Get the fuck back!
- Oh! (gasping)
Get the fuck away from the car!
And let him speak his piece.
- Okay, look.
I don't know what I ever did to any of you guys, anyway.
All I ever wanted was for people to like me.
(grunting)
For as long as I can remember, all everybody
ever wanted to do was piss on me,
crap on me
and throw crap at me.
Accuse me of doing all kinds of terrible Internet crap
to poor little kids. Which I didn't.
- Hmm...
- Well, you know what?
You guys can hate Robert Mutt until the cows come home for all I care.
Because today's my wedding day.
The day that I become Robert Manitoba.
- Hmm!
- And Robert Manitoba, he's got himself a girl,
he's got some money
and when he says "I do,"
he is going to get the best goddamn championship ring
in the whole wide world right around his finger.
(laughing) And you know what?
You guys were right about one thing, though.
I am a pervo.
- Uh-huh.
- A pervo for the love of that woman right there!
- Hmm?
- And love is something that you can't castrate.
Not even chemically, Mr. Steinke.
(giggling)
- Ow! - Do it now, Fred! For the children.
- Get him!
- That tight little moustache of yours
has been begging for this ever since I first laid eyes on you.
(police siren)
- Put down the syringe, Steinke!
You're under arrest for the possession and distribution of child pornography.
(gasping)
- Humph! Humph!
- Fred!
Fred!
(grunting)
- Oh! - Oh, sweet Jesus.
- Get it, pervo!
- Freddie!
- Oh no, you got it wrong. It's Mutt, here,
he's the fuckin' pervo.
- No, ma'am. Robert Mutt is a hero.
He tipped us off to this scumbag here.
The computer scientists down at the crime lab
hacked through the e-trail
and led us right to Steinke!
(gasping)
- Robert, you're a hero.
- Say, Officer, you wouldn't happen to have a sister
named Dixie, would you?
- Something like that.
Let's get this scumbag downtown.
(police siren) - Way to go, Mutt.
- Well, all right. Let's get this show on the road, shall we?
Heveinu shalom aleichem
Heveinu shalom shalom shalom aleichem
(shattering glass)
Heveinu shalom aleichem
Heveinu shalom shalom shalom aleichem
(clinking)
Siman Tov u'Mazel Tov
Mazel Tov u'Siman Tov
Siman Tov u'Mazel Tov
Mazel Tov u'Siman Tov
Siman Tov u'Mazel Tov
Mazel Tov u'Siman Tov...
(song fading on TV)
(giggling) - You gals watching that again?
A couple of sentimental fools.
- Uh... - Uh.
(TV): A six-alarm fire has left nine dead and dozens more injured.
Disgruntled snack bar employee, Edna Kemperton,
has been taken into custody.
- Huh! Well, good for her.
I just came in to get my boomerang.
Okay, kids! Let her rip!
Here we go! Let's go!
Watch yourself on those steps!
Hey, Gallagher, here, here, here.
Go nuts, buddy.
Bet you can't nail a squirrel.
Hey, Hershey, Cookie.
How are you guys?
- Looks like we got a regular Ward Cleaver on our hands.
- Oh, yeah, you should see Gallagher with a cleaver.
- I think it's so beautiful that you've adopted these children, Robert.
- Well, you know what they say, Hershey.
The more the merrier.
Hey, be right back. Gotta get that sardine casserole going.
- Dear Robert, can you believe
it's been a whole year since you got out?
I heard all about what happened to you and I'm proud of you.
You really proved you're a real somebody.
Best Wishes, your buddy, George.
- Hey, what's the big idea?
- Robert Junior, what did I say about hiding in that oven, huh?
I told you to turn the light on so I wouldn't burn your butt again.
All right. Now what say ya, we go outside
and I show you some of my special moves, huh?
Come on, kiddo!
Easy-peasy Japan-easy.
- This is for all you doubters out there.
You better just shut your stupid mouths right now.
My name's Stormy.
I used to think
That I couldn't make it on my own
Yeah
But then I learned that I can't let myself be afraid
Of destiny
'Cause nothing can stop me
From getting what I know I got coming to me
Ooooh
I got what it takes
And I'm just too beautiful
Beautiful and free
When I look in the mirror
I see forever
And I know that forever
It's going to belong to me
Ooooh
This is the first day of forever
And I know
That forever
It's going to belong
It's going to belong to me
Yeah
What do you think about that, haters?
- From my cold, dead hand!