♪ My name is Cleveland Brown ♪
♪ And I am proud to be ♪
♪ Right back in my hometown ♪
♪ With my new family ♪
♪ There's old friends and new friends ♪
♪ And even a bear ♪
♪ Through good times and bad times ♪
♪ It's true love we share ♪
♪ And so I found a place ♪
♪ Where everyone will know ♪
♪ My happy mustached face ♪
♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
The Cleveland Show 02x07 Another Bad Thanksgiving Original Air Date on November 28, 2010
Time to gobble up your lunch, Geraldine, you jive turkey.
I'm going to have to change your name to Luke Wilson,
because you've grown into a bloated slob
who will eat anything and is going to die this month.
Cleveland, have you seen the pizza, doughnuts
and hamburgers I made Junior for lunch?
It's all going to a worthy cause.
This will be our best holiday together since Yom Kippur.
♪ Kol nidrei ♪
♪ Ve'esarei ♪
♪ Vacharamei ♪
♪ Vechinuyei ♪
♪ Vekinusei... ♪
Cleveland, we're not Jewish.
Oh, that's right. My writers are.
You have nothing to worry about this year,
because guess who's coming.
Donna, we can't have guests.
That bird will barely serve the five of us.
And that cloning mess I tried didn't work.
When you gonna burn me them Glee DVDs?
Shut up, turkey clone!
My sister Janet's coming with her kids.
What? I hate her!
I hate all your sisters and your brother
and your mom and your dad and your children.
Well, I'm sorry, but Janet's coming.
Boo. Boo Janet.
Boo.
Cleveland, that is not helpful.
Janet is my... Boo.
Boo Janet. Boo.
She's only coming for...
Boo. Boo Janet.
Liar.
Stay somewhere else.
Are you done?
Good.
Janet's only...
Boo.
Junior, you know how much I love Thanksgiving, right?
Yeah, it's obvious.
Well, that's how much I don't love
your stepmother's sister, Janet.
She thinks she's better than everybody
just 'cause she got all that money
for having her foot run over by a city bus.
Cleveland, I really wish you'd ask me
before you start messing with the house.
You didn't complain when I put in the Murphy toilet.
I'm in here.
Sorry.
Diva alert.
Janet!
Look at you with your fine self,
and your fine dress, and your fine shoes.
You look fine.
So, this is what big city success looks like.
How is Raleigh-Durham/ Chapel Hill?
Remember Dynasty? It's like that.
Ooh, girl!
Hi, Brian. Hi, D'Brian.
Come give your Aunt Donna some sugar.
Aah! My porcelain Indian chief smoking a cigar!
Careful, boys.
Before I forget, is there someplace I can plug in my...
I'm sorry-- do you know what a BlackBerry is?
Ooh, it's like a typewriter phone.
I tell you, it's so good to take a break
from the fast pace of Tobacco Road
and get back to Stoolbend,
where there's nothing going on.
It must be nice not to worry about how you look
or what Italian restaurant you're going to go to.
I don't think I'm brave enough to eat Italian.
That spaghetti stuff looks like worms to me.
You sound so ignorant right now.
Oh, hey, Cleveland.
Oh, Janet, so good to see you. You look great.
Make yourself at home and so forth.
Great to see you, too.
You haven't changed a bit.
Hi, Aunt Janet.
Roberta!
Oh, look at you!
All grown up.
Ooh, and working that ass.
Not a high, flat,
Sinbad-looking ass like this guy.
No tears, Cleveland.
Be strong-- for you and for Sinbad.
Aunt Janet, you still doing that thing on TV
where you pick the lotto numbers?
I don't know. You tell me.
12, 41, six.
Those are just examples.
She said numbers that were on TV!
Big deal. I was once on TV, too.
We now return to What's Happening!
Hey, Shirl, which one of these
is the chicken salad, and which is the tuna salad?
That's tuna salad.
That's chicken salad.
Mm-hmm.
These are what's happening.
Mmm, mmm, mmm!
And the woman won't shut her mouth.
Sometimes I just want to say, "Can it, Janet."
But then she'll say, "Leave, Cleve,"
and I don't have another one.
Of course, if I can get her
to say, "Leave, Cleve," first, then maybe I...
Hey, Cleveland.
Can it, Janet.
Oh, please don't make me leave.
Move over, fool.
All day traveling with those kids,
I need a stiff one.
So you're disqualified.
Burn notice.
Ha!
Next!
Four more of those,
and a cosmo for the lady.
With a twist of lemon.
I've hated Janet since high school.
What's up, dough boy?
Dough boy.
I like that.
It suits you.
'Cause you're fat.
Who are you?
This is Robert.
I met him in detention.
He's not like Cleveland here.
He pees standing up.
I always poop a tiny bit when I pee.
So, Donna, if you're done with Chumpty Dumpty,
Robert's all yours.
So what were you in detention for?
Having too much charismo.
That, and a little bit of arson.
I think I can change him.
♪ Thanksgiving's coming soon ♪
♪ Pa rum pump pum pum ♪
♪ The football starts at noon ♪
♪ Pa rum pum pum pum ♪
♪ Our finest snacks we bring ♪
♪ Pa rum... ♪
Oh, my head is killing me.
I need two Sprites, a 7UP, six baby aspirin
and a Flintstones vitamin-- Dino.
Girl, what'd you do last night?
Me.
Rub-a-dub-dub, two men in two Tubbs.
Their last name is Tubbs.
I told you to go out the window.
Nah, Cleve's cool.
Boned your sister-in-law.
What?! Hold up.
You slept with Holt?
No way!
I bet this is the first Thanksgiving
where you got stuffed by a turkey!
Seasonal slam!
Hey, Janet, look at when I put this little piece of meatloaf
on this bigger piece of meatloaf.
A lot of people would say,
"What's that big piece of meatloaf thinking
being with that little piece?"
But other people would say,
"Good for that little piece of meatloaf."
Ha ha. Like I'm the first girl
to get drunk and sleep with a loser.
You probably need three shots of Jaeger
to roll around with this tub of lard.
I get thirsty at night.
Yes! Thirsty.
Oh, who did I invite over
for an awkward encounter that I can laugh at?
Look, Janet-- it's my neighbor
and your Pee-Wee adventure, Holt.
'Sup, gorgeous?
You didn't return any of my texts,
so I took that to mean you needed some face time.
Look, about last night...
Rob Lowe.
You and me... Dupree.
We... Women's Entertainment network.
Look at you two-- finishing each other's sentences.
Why don't the two of you go out tonight?
I got the kids.
Donna will watch them.
I'm really tired. I made coffee.
But I have a hair appointment. That's a lie.
Fine. If it'll get your fat ass off my back, I'll go.
What's the classiest place in Stoolbend?
Applebee's.
Ooh, I have a coupon.
I won't be needing that.
Ooh!
Dinner was actually kind of fun.
I've never been out with anybody
who tipped a waitress $100.
Eh, it's just a Benjamin.
Just a Benjamin that said,
"Happy First Communion, Holt. Love, Grandma Bea."
Saving it for a special occasion.
And you're pretty special.
Holt, you're crazy.
Crazy sweet.
Up.
Still think it was a hilarious idea
to send Janet and Holt out on a date together?
I can't believe they stuck us with her kids all night.
Brian's okay, but D'Brian is d'worst.
What? I think Brian's much worse.
Yeah, me, too, but it didn't sound as clever.
After the night we had, we could use a laugh.
Huh?
There's some problems in here.
Wait. Maybe that's them.
Oh, no, it's just one of Holt's stupid Twitter updates.
Oh, he's been tweeting all night.
"Janet and I at Oreo Speedwagon."
It's an REO Speedwagon cover band
that appeals to interracial couples.
Maybe the white half.
Listen to the rest of these.
"Crushed a steak at the restaurant."
"Ketel One, Ketel One, Ketel One.
Why is there no Ketel Two?"
That's good.
"Just landed in Vegas with Janet."
They went to Vegas?
That is great news.
Because the only thing that matters
is Janet's happiness at any given moment.
Sure, she said she came to see me,
but then she sticks me with her bratty kids
while she's out getting wined and dined at Applebee's.
Well, I want to go to Applebee's.
Mmm, me, too.
Is it one of ours's birthday?
This is just like high school.
Always acting like she's better than me.
Talking about, have I seen a BlackBerry?
Bitch, I am a BlackBerry.
You think you're a diva, Janet?
Well, guess what-- I'm a diva, too!
♪ Ooh... ♪
What is happening?
This Thanksgiving, Janet's watching the kids.
All of them!
And I'm the one who's going to have fun in Vegas.
We're going to Vegas!
And we are going to have...
♪ Fun... ♪
I'm a diva, too.
That would be tickets for two adults,
five children and zero turkeys.
Okay, seven round-trip, same-day purchase,
day-before- Thanksgiving tickets.
Your total is... $15,600.
In that case, winged migration!
Hmm. I like these kid leashes.
White people are onto something.
Excuse me, have you seen a short, unattractive gentleman
who's overcompensating by dressing flashy
and loudly bragging about how drunk he is?
Ah, yes.
He's right... everywhere.
Bro! Bro!
Let me be more specific.
This particular short gentleman
is with a tall, statuesque black woman.
Oh, Bill Maher is right there.
Oh, hey, Donna.
Hey, Bill.
I am so annoyed at Janet.
What kind of woman just runs off to Vegas
and pays no attention to her children's well-being?
Mm. And on Thanksgiving.
The holiest of holidays.
Yah!
All right, let's get rich.
Dang, how are we supposed to know which one's hot?
Come on, Junior, you're the math genius.
The statistical probability of a three-tiered game.
Payout ratio of N to the X over square root of N minus four.
Average number of attempts per jackpot...
Jackpot!
Yo! Yo!
Earth to Girth!
I won!
I hit it big!
No. Unh-unh.
Get out!
I'm serious?!
Now we got to find somebody who's old enough
to cash in this ticket for us.
Excuse me, miss.
I was just wondering what a pretty lady like you
is doing sitting over here all by herself?
I'm an escort.
Well, if you help us cash in this ticket,
you can escort my colleague and me to dinner this evening.
Love to.
Just let me go change my underpants first.
You know what?
Why don't we all do that.
Meet back here in five.
No wait, ten.
It's you! Beyoncé!
It's-a Beyoncé!
Beyoncé?
Damn right I'm Beyoncé!
I'm married to Jay-Z.
He liked it, he put a ring on it.
You are most gracious, Beyoncé.
♪ ♪
MILF alert!
Got MILF?
I'm Jon Gosselin!
Cleveland, it's Donna.
I've been to seven casinos on the strip, four off,
eight all-you-can-eat buffets, I worked a car show,
drove a Gypsy cab, walked through The Luxor-- blech--
but no sign of Janet or Holt.
How about you?
Nothing.
And I've looked everywhere, too.
Even as we speak, I'm sitting here
with the Las Vegas Police Department
searching through the records of all incoming citizens.
Sipping coffee out of a little Styrofoam cup
in a windowless room.
Staring at a flickering computer screen...
Oh, Donna, I'm at a pool.
I'm sorry.
I'll look, I'll find them.
This pool don't mean nothing to me!
I suppose I wanted to get caught.
I'm sick!
Give me a break.
No time.
Got to go find Holt and Janet.
Luke Wilson, make sure no one steals my goggles.
Cle-Bro, grub time.
They were out of sliders so I got you popcorn shrimp.
I told you I'm sick!
I found him an hour ago!
I was gonna tell you, but then I got hungry and thirsty!
Oh, Donna.
Nobody is more disappointed in me right now than I am!
No fries?
Holt, we're here to return these kids
to their irresponsible mother.
Now, where the hell is she?
At King Dong's.
All male revue. Bachelorette day.
We're getting married.
What?!
Holt-a said they get-a married.
Listen!
I'm sorry!
Holt, you don't want to marry Janet.
Because of the C-section scar?
Doesn't bother me.
Bothers me a little.
Cleveland, try and talk some sense into him.
I'll deal with my sister.
Yah!
Listen, Cleveland...
Holt, Janet's got two children.
Children who need a father.
And trust me, being a father is a full-time job.
Woo-hoo-hoo!
I'll admit I don't know much about being a dad,
but I'm gonna try.
She's worth it to me.
Besides, I got the world's greatest dad as a teacher.
You.
I'll need a moment.
Thank you, Freddy.
Holt, you have my blessing.
Want to see pictures of her naked?
Yes, I do.
Mm.
Thank you, Freddy.
Donna! What are you doing here?
I heard you were getting married,
so I got you a wedding gift.
Your children!
Janet, it's time for you to stop acting like a child!
Do you think I like being the grown-up
while you hook up with one random guy after another?
You think I don't want to sleep with
every man who buys me a drink?
'Cause I do.
All women do.
But I don't let myself, because I have responsibilities.
And so do you.
If you're talking about the boys, their father's a pastor.
So they got God looking after them.
Look, Janet, marriage means something to Holt.
He's not some late-night host or governor of South Carolina
or the best golfer in the world.
Don't do this to him.
Donna, this is my life.
And I'd appreciate some respect on this blessed day.
♪ ♪
Before we get started, no, I'm not an Elvis impersonator.
I just wear this costume
to remind his family that he's dead.
Okay, on to the vows.
"Janet, I have found in you
"the other half of myself...
"that I never knew I was looking for.
"Our souls have become intertwined,
"like the weird scene in Avatar
"where they did it under the light-up tree.
"We may not have much of a past,
"but we have a long,
long future ahead of us.
And I will always be here for you.
The Holt abides.
Died a drug addict on a toilet-- some king.
Your turn, ma'am.
Look, Holt, I can't marry you.
My sister's right.
You're too nice a guy for a party girl like me.
Oh, God.
I-I think I need a Red Bull.
Thank you, Freddy.
I'm just realizing that I'm not ready
to settle down right now.
I'm sorry.
But I am open to being non-monogamous,
long-distance boyfriend and girlfriend.
What does that mean?
I'll sleep with you whenever I'm in town.
Do I still have to dress up like Austin Powers every time?
I never asked you to do that.
Didn't have to.
Wedding's off, everybody.
But we're still gonna shag, baby!
It was the first Thanksgiving
where civilized people came together
with a bunch of godless savages.
Much like today, as my family breaks bread with you,
the human garbage of Las Vegas.
We welcome you, leathery showgirl,
joyless blackjack dealer, creepy rape-vibe magicians
and creepy rape-vibe Carrot Top.
I'd also like to welcome my son's escort,
my stepdaughter's Asian entourage--
we feed you long time.
I also want to acknowledge my teensy-weensy neighbor Holt
and my loosey-vavoosey sister-in-law Janet.
Here's to them casually getting down until she gets pregnant,
and then they'll have some decisions!
Would you like to do the honors?
Dad, did you kill Turkey Luke Wilson?
No, son, I didn't.
He had a coke-fueled heart attack
at a strip club early this morning.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
== sync, corrected by elderman ==