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♪ My name is Cleveland Brown ♪
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00:00:04,282 --> 00:00:06,433
♪ And I am proud to be ♪
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♪ Right back in my hometown ♪
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♪ With my new family ♪
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♪ There's old friends
and new friends ♪
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♪ And even a bear ♪
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♪ Through good times
and bad times ♪
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♪ It's true love we share ♪
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♪ And so I found a place ♪
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♪ Where everyone will know ♪
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♪ My happy mustached face ♪
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♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪
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== sync, corrected by elderman ==
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The Cleveland Show 02x07
Another Bad Thanksgiving
Original Air Date on November 28, 2010
15
00:00:34,773 --> 00:00:39,476
Time to gobble up your lunch,
Geraldine, you jive turkey.
16
00:00:43,861 --> 00:00:46,462
I'm going to have to change
your name to Luke Wilson,
17
00:00:46,530 --> 00:00:48,681
because you've grown
into a bloated slob
18
00:00:48,766 --> 00:00:51,434
who will eat anything
and is going to die this month.
19
00:00:51,485 --> 00:00:53,069
Cleveland, have you seen
the pizza, doughnuts
20
00:00:53,137 --> 00:00:55,004
and hamburgers
I made Junior for lunch?
21
00:00:55,072 --> 00:00:57,340
It's all going
to a worthy cause.
22
00:00:57,408 --> 00:01:00,843
This will be our best holiday
together since Yom Kippur.
23
00:01:00,911 --> 00:01:04,414
♪ Kol nidrei ♪
24
00:01:04,481 --> 00:01:07,984
♪ Ve'esarei ♪
25
00:01:08,052 --> 00:01:10,787
♪ Vacharamei ♪
26
00:01:10,854 --> 00:01:13,656
♪ Vechinuyei ♪
27
00:01:13,724 --> 00:01:16,726
♪ Vekinusei... ♪
28
00:01:16,794 --> 00:01:18,261
Cleveland,
we're not Jewish.
29
00:01:18,328 --> 00:01:20,229
Oh, that's right.
My writers are.
30
00:01:20,297 --> 00:01:22,265
You have nothing
to worry about this year,
31
00:01:22,332 --> 00:01:23,800
because guess
who's coming.
32
00:01:23,867 --> 00:01:25,702
Donna, we can't
have guests.
33
00:01:25,769 --> 00:01:27,970
That bird will barely
serve the five of us.
34
00:01:28,038 --> 00:01:30,239
And that cloning mess I tried
didn't work.
35
00:01:32,242 --> 00:01:35,878
When you gonna burn me
them Glee DVDs?
36
00:01:35,946 --> 00:01:37,246
Shut up, turkey clone!
37
00:01:37,314 --> 00:01:39,849
My sister Janet's coming
with her kids.
38
00:01:39,917 --> 00:01:41,918
What? I hate her!
39
00:01:41,985 --> 00:01:44,287
I hate all your sisters
and your brother
40
00:01:44,354 --> 00:01:46,689
and your mom and your
dad and your children.
41
00:01:46,757 --> 00:01:48,558
Well, I'm sorry,
but Janet's coming.
42
00:01:48,625 --> 00:01:50,126
Boo. Boo Janet.
43
00:01:50,194 --> 00:01:51,527
Boo.
44
00:01:51,595 --> 00:01:53,129
Cleveland,
that is not helpful.
45
00:01:53,197 --> 00:01:54,363
Janet is my...
Boo.
46
00:01:54,431 --> 00:01:56,599
Boo Janet. Boo.
47
00:01:56,667 --> 00:01:58,134
She's only
coming for...
48
00:01:58,202 --> 00:01:59,702
Boo. Boo Janet.
49
00:01:59,770 --> 00:02:00,803
Liar.
50
00:02:00,871 --> 00:02:02,705
Stay somewhere else.
51
00:02:02,773 --> 00:02:04,674
Are you done?
52
00:02:04,742 --> 00:02:06,142
Good.
53
00:02:06,210 --> 00:02:07,210
Janet's only...
54
00:02:07,277 --> 00:02:08,611
Boo.
55
00:02:12,750 --> 00:02:15,718
Junior, you know how much
I love Thanksgiving, right?
56
00:02:15,786 --> 00:02:17,153
Yeah, it's obvious.
57
00:02:17,221 --> 00:02:19,155
Well, that's how much
I don't love
58
00:02:19,223 --> 00:02:20,857
your stepmother's
sister, Janet.
59
00:02:20,924 --> 00:02:23,059
She thinks she's
better than everybody
60
00:02:23,127 --> 00:02:24,794
just 'cause she
got all that money
61
00:02:24,862 --> 00:02:27,630
for having her foot
run over by a city bus.
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00:02:27,698 --> 00:02:29,298
Cleveland, I really
wish you'd ask me
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00:02:29,366 --> 00:02:30,933
before you start messing
with the house.
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00:02:31,001 --> 00:02:33,870
You didn't complain
when I put in the Murphy toilet.
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00:02:33,937 --> 00:02:34,954
I'm in here.
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00:02:35,038 --> 00:02:36,139
Sorry.
67
00:02:37,925 --> 00:02:39,442
Diva alert.
68
00:02:39,510 --> 00:02:40,710
Janet!
69
00:02:40,778 --> 00:02:42,578
Look at you with
your fine self,
70
00:02:42,646 --> 00:02:44,480
and your fine dress,
and your fine shoes.
71
00:02:44,548 --> 00:02:46,449
You look fine.
72
00:02:46,517 --> 00:02:49,218
So, this is what big city
success looks like.
73
00:02:49,286 --> 00:02:51,354
How is Raleigh-Durham/
Chapel Hill?
74
00:02:51,421 --> 00:02:53,456
Remember Dynasty?
It's like that.
75
00:02:53,524 --> 00:02:55,591
Ooh, girl!
76
00:02:55,659 --> 00:02:57,660
Hi, Brian.
Hi, D'Brian.
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00:02:57,728 --> 00:03:00,262
Come give your
Aunt Donna some sugar.
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00:03:02,099 --> 00:03:04,400
Aah! My porcelain Indian
chief smoking a cigar!
79
00:03:04,468 --> 00:03:06,369
Careful, boys.
80
00:03:06,436 --> 00:03:10,239
Before I forget, is there
someplace I can plug in my...
81
00:03:10,307 --> 00:03:12,842
I'm sorry-- do you know
what a BlackBerry is?
82
00:03:12,910 --> 00:03:15,545
Ooh, it's like a
typewriter phone.
83
00:03:15,612 --> 00:03:19,182
I tell you,
it's so good to take a break
84
00:03:19,249 --> 00:03:21,384
from the fast pace
of Tobacco Road
85
00:03:21,451 --> 00:03:23,019
and get back
to Stoolbend,
86
00:03:23,086 --> 00:03:24,821
where there's
nothing going on.
87
00:03:24,888 --> 00:03:27,890
It must be nice not to worry
about how you look
88
00:03:27,958 --> 00:03:30,493
or what Italian restaurant
you're going to go to.
89
00:03:30,561 --> 00:03:32,495
I don't think I'm brave
enough to eat Italian.
90
00:03:32,563 --> 00:03:34,931
That spaghetti stuff
looks like worms to me.
91
00:03:34,998 --> 00:03:37,300
You sound so ignorant
right now.
92
00:03:37,367 --> 00:03:38,734
Oh, hey, Cleveland.
93
00:03:38,802 --> 00:03:41,771
Oh, Janet, so good to see you.
You look great.
94
00:03:41,839 --> 00:03:43,639
Make yourself at home
and so forth.
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00:03:43,707 --> 00:03:45,174
Great to see you, too.
96
00:03:45,242 --> 00:03:47,994
You haven't changed a bit.
97
00:03:51,782 --> 00:03:53,115
Hi, Aunt Janet.
98
00:03:53,183 --> 00:03:54,517
Roberta!
99
00:03:54,585 --> 00:03:56,085
Oh, look at you!
100
00:03:56,153 --> 00:03:57,720
All grown up.
101
00:03:57,788 --> 00:03:59,622
Ooh, and working
that ass.
102
00:03:59,690 --> 00:04:01,390
Not a high, flat,
103
00:04:01,458 --> 00:04:03,459
Sinbad-looking ass
like this guy.
104
00:04:03,527 --> 00:04:05,928
No tears, Cleveland.
105
00:04:05,996 --> 00:04:09,532
Be strong--
for you and for Sinbad.
106
00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:11,934
Aunt Janet, you still
doing that thing on TV
107
00:04:12,002 --> 00:04:13,336
where you pick the
lotto numbers?
108
00:04:13,403 --> 00:04:15,204
I don't know.
You tell me.
109
00:04:15,272 --> 00:04:17,340
12, 41, six.
110
00:04:17,407 --> 00:04:19,375
Those are just examples.
111
00:04:19,443 --> 00:04:21,644
She said numbers
that were on TV!
112
00:04:21,695 --> 00:04:24,580
Big deal.
I was once on TV, too.
113
00:04:24,648 --> 00:04:27,316
We now return
to What's Happening!
114
00:04:27,384 --> 00:04:29,585
Hey, Shirl, which
one of these
115
00:04:29,653 --> 00:04:32,521
is the chicken salad, and
which is the tuna salad?
116
00:04:35,058 --> 00:04:37,660
That's tuna salad.
117
00:04:37,728 --> 00:04:39,562
That's chicken salad.
118
00:04:41,265 --> 00:04:42,565
Mm-hmm.
119
00:04:42,633 --> 00:04:43,866
These are what's happening.
120
00:04:43,934 --> 00:04:45,134
Mmm, mmm, mmm!
121
00:04:47,905 --> 00:04:50,406
And the woman
won't shut her mouth.
122
00:04:50,474 --> 00:04:53,442
Sometimes I just want to say,
"Can it, Janet."
123
00:04:53,510 --> 00:04:55,745
But then she'll say,
"Leave, Cleve,"
124
00:04:55,812 --> 00:04:57,580
and I don't have another one.
125
00:04:57,648 --> 00:05:00,416
Of course, if I can get her
126
00:05:00,484 --> 00:05:03,352
to say, "Leave, Cleve," first,
then maybe I...
127
00:05:03,420 --> 00:05:04,720
Hey, Cleveland.
128
00:05:04,788 --> 00:05:06,055
Can it, Janet.
129
00:05:06,123 --> 00:05:07,823
Oh, please don't
make me leave.
130
00:05:07,891 --> 00:05:09,125
Move over, fool.
131
00:05:09,192 --> 00:05:10,793
All day traveling
with those kids,
132
00:05:10,861 --> 00:05:12,328
I need a stiff one.
133
00:05:12,396 --> 00:05:14,230
So you're disqualified.
134
00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:18,567
Burn notice.
135
00:05:18,635 --> 00:05:20,369
Ha!
136
00:05:20,437 --> 00:05:21,871
Next!
137
00:05:21,939 --> 00:05:23,406
Four more of those,
138
00:05:23,473 --> 00:05:24,941
and a cosmo for the lady.
139
00:05:28,145 --> 00:05:30,980
With a twist of lemon.
140
00:05:31,048 --> 00:05:33,182
I've hated Janet
since high school.
141
00:05:33,250 --> 00:05:35,017
What's up, dough boy?
142
00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:36,552
Dough boy.
143
00:05:36,620 --> 00:05:38,154
I like that.
144
00:05:38,221 --> 00:05:39,455
It suits you.
145
00:05:39,523 --> 00:05:41,223
'Cause you're fat.
146
00:05:43,527 --> 00:05:44,427
Who are you?
147
00:05:44,494 --> 00:05:45,594
This is Robert.
148
00:05:45,662 --> 00:05:46,729
I met him in
detention.
149
00:05:46,797 --> 00:05:48,731
He's not like
Cleveland here.
150
00:05:48,799 --> 00:05:50,833
He pees standing up.
151
00:05:50,901 --> 00:05:53,536
I always poop a tiny bit
when I pee.
152
00:05:53,603 --> 00:05:56,339
So, Donna, if you're done
with Chumpty Dumpty,
153
00:05:56,406 --> 00:05:58,474
Robert's all yours.
154
00:05:58,542 --> 00:06:00,910
So what were you
in detention for?
155
00:06:00,978 --> 00:06:02,812
Having too much charismo.
156
00:06:02,879 --> 00:06:05,214
That, and a little bit of arson.
157
00:06:05,282 --> 00:06:07,350
I think I can
change him.
158
00:06:09,953 --> 00:06:13,356
♪ Thanksgiving's coming soon ♪
159
00:06:13,423 --> 00:06:16,826
♪ Pa rum pump pum pum ♪
160
00:06:16,893 --> 00:06:20,496
♪ The football starts at noon ♪
161
00:06:20,564 --> 00:06:23,966
♪ Pa rum pum pum pum ♪
162
00:06:24,034 --> 00:06:27,653
♪ Our finest snacks we bring ♪
163
00:06:27,738 --> 00:06:28,938
♪ Pa rum... ♪
164
00:06:28,989 --> 00:06:30,973
Oh, my head
is killing me.
165
00:06:31,024 --> 00:06:33,943
I need two Sprites,
a 7UP, six baby aspirin
166
00:06:34,011 --> 00:06:36,012
and a Flintstones
vitamin-- Dino.
167
00:06:36,079 --> 00:06:38,080
Girl, what'd you do last night?
168
00:06:38,148 --> 00:06:39,482
Me.
169
00:06:39,549 --> 00:06:42,184
Rub-a-dub-dub,
two men in two Tubbs.
170
00:06:42,252 --> 00:06:43,586
Their last name is Tubbs.
171
00:06:43,653 --> 00:06:45,421
I told you to go
out the window.
172
00:06:45,489 --> 00:06:46,689
Nah, Cleve's cool.
173
00:06:46,757 --> 00:06:47,990
Boned your sister-in-law.
174
00:06:48,058 --> 00:06:49,225
What?!
Hold up.
175
00:06:49,292 --> 00:06:50,993
You slept with Holt?
176
00:06:51,061 --> 00:06:53,696
No way!
177
00:06:53,764 --> 00:06:56,032
I bet this is the
first Thanksgiving
178
00:06:56,099 --> 00:06:58,734
where you got
stuffed by a turkey!
179
00:06:58,802 --> 00:07:01,170
Seasonal slam!
180
00:07:04,970 --> 00:07:07,899
Hey, Janet, look at when I put
this little piece of meatloaf
181
00:07:07,999 --> 00:07:10,317
on this bigger piece
of meatloaf.
182
00:07:10,385 --> 00:07:12,052
A lot of people
would say,
183
00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:14,221
"What's that big piece
of meatloaf thinking
184
00:07:14,289 --> 00:07:15,923
being with that
little piece?"
185
00:07:15,991 --> 00:07:17,591
But other people
would say,
186
00:07:17,659 --> 00:07:19,893
"Good for that little
piece of meatloaf."
187
00:07:19,961 --> 00:07:21,862
Ha ha. Like I'm
the first girl
188
00:07:21,930 --> 00:07:24,031
to get drunk
and sleep with a loser.
189
00:07:24,099 --> 00:07:25,899
You probably need
three shots of Jaeger
190
00:07:25,967 --> 00:07:28,335
to roll around
with this tub of lard.
191
00:07:30,038 --> 00:07:32,006
I get thirsty at night.
192
00:07:32,073 --> 00:07:33,774
Yes! Thirsty.
193
00:07:34,876 --> 00:07:36,777
Oh, who did I invite over
194
00:07:36,845 --> 00:07:39,713
for an awkward encounter
that I can laugh at?
195
00:07:41,182 --> 00:07:42,900
Look, Janet--
it's my neighbor
196
00:07:42,967 --> 00:07:44,935
and your Pee-Wee
adventure, Holt.
197
00:07:45,003 --> 00:07:46,136
'Sup, gorgeous?
198
00:07:46,204 --> 00:07:47,671
You didn't return
any of my texts,
199
00:07:47,739 --> 00:07:49,807
so I took that to mean
you needed some face time.
200
00:07:52,027 --> 00:07:53,027
Look, about
last night...
201
00:07:53,094 --> 00:07:54,194
Rob Lowe.
202
00:07:54,262 --> 00:07:55,596
You and me...
Dupree.
203
00:07:55,663 --> 00:07:56,930
We...
Women's Entertainment network.
204
00:07:56,998 --> 00:07:59,666
Look at you two-- finishing
each other's sentences.
205
00:07:59,734 --> 00:08:01,702
Why don't the two of you
go out tonight?
206
00:08:01,770 --> 00:08:02,770
I got the kids.
207
00:08:02,837 --> 00:08:04,004
Donna will watch them.
208
00:08:04,072 --> 00:08:05,639
I'm really tired.
I made coffee.
209
00:08:05,707 --> 00:08:07,908
But I have a hair appointment.
That's a lie.
210
00:08:07,976 --> 00:08:11,245
Fine. If it'll get your fat ass
off my back, I'll go.
211
00:08:11,312 --> 00:08:13,480
What's the classiest place
in Stoolbend?
212
00:08:13,548 --> 00:08:14,548
Applebee's.
213
00:08:14,616 --> 00:08:15,716
Ooh, I have a coupon.
214
00:08:15,784 --> 00:08:17,818
I won't be needing that.
215
00:08:17,886 --> 00:08:19,553
Ooh!
216
00:08:21,973 --> 00:08:24,058
Dinner was actually
kind of fun.
217
00:08:24,125 --> 00:08:26,260
I've never been out
with anybody
218
00:08:26,327 --> 00:08:28,762
who tipped
a waitress $100.
219
00:08:28,813 --> 00:08:30,464
Eh, it's just
a Benjamin.
220
00:08:30,515 --> 00:08:32,900
Just a Benjamin
that said,
221
00:08:32,967 --> 00:08:36,170
"Happy First Communion, Holt.
Love, Grandma Bea."
222
00:08:36,237 --> 00:08:37,704
Saving it
for a special occasion.
223
00:08:37,772 --> 00:08:39,339
And you're pretty special.
224
00:08:40,975 --> 00:08:43,377
Holt, you're crazy.
225
00:08:43,445 --> 00:08:45,479
Crazy sweet.
226
00:08:45,547 --> 00:08:46,814
Up.
227
00:09:03,064 --> 00:09:05,466
Still think it
was a hilarious idea
228
00:09:05,533 --> 00:09:07,935
to send Janet and Holt
out on a date together?
229
00:09:08,002 --> 00:09:11,271
I can't believe they stuck
us with her kids all night.
230
00:09:11,339 --> 00:09:14,975
Brian's okay, but
D'Brian is d'worst.
231
00:09:15,043 --> 00:09:17,644
What? I think
Brian's much worse.
232
00:09:17,712 --> 00:09:20,881
Yeah, me, too, but it
didn't sound as clever.
233
00:09:20,949 --> 00:09:23,684
After the night we had,
we could use a laugh.
234
00:09:23,751 --> 00:09:24,685
Huh?
235
00:09:26,154 --> 00:09:27,521
There's some problems in here.
236
00:09:28,756 --> 00:09:30,290
Wait. Maybe that's them.
237
00:09:30,358 --> 00:09:33,694
Oh, no, it's just one of
Holt's stupid Twitter updates.
238
00:09:33,761 --> 00:09:35,662
Oh, he's been
tweeting all night.
239
00:09:35,730 --> 00:09:38,232
"Janet and I at
Oreo Speedwagon."
240
00:09:38,299 --> 00:09:40,334
It's an REO Speedwagon
cover band
241
00:09:40,401 --> 00:09:42,136
that appeals to
interracial couples.
242
00:09:42,203 --> 00:09:43,871
Maybe the white half.
243
00:09:43,938 --> 00:09:45,606
Listen to the rest of these.
244
00:09:45,673 --> 00:09:47,708
"Crushed a steak
at the restaurant."
245
00:09:47,775 --> 00:09:50,377
"Ketel One, Ketel One,
Ketel One.
246
00:09:50,445 --> 00:09:52,646
Why is there no Ketel Two?"
247
00:09:52,714 --> 00:09:54,448
That's good.
248
00:09:54,516 --> 00:09:56,583
"Just landed in Vegas
with Janet."
249
00:09:56,651 --> 00:09:58,185
They went to Vegas?
250
00:09:58,253 --> 00:10:00,604
That is great news.
251
00:10:00,688 --> 00:10:02,222
Because the only thing
that matters
252
00:10:02,290 --> 00:10:04,658
is Janet's happiness
at any given moment.
253
00:10:04,726 --> 00:10:07,461
Sure, she said she came
to see me,
254
00:10:07,529 --> 00:10:10,097
but then she sticks me
with her bratty kids
255
00:10:10,165 --> 00:10:12,733
while she's out getting
wined and dined at Applebee's.
256
00:10:12,800 --> 00:10:14,768
Well, I want to go
to Applebee's.
257
00:10:14,836 --> 00:10:16,436
Mmm, me, too.
258
00:10:16,504 --> 00:10:18,138
Is it one of ours's birthday?
259
00:10:18,206 --> 00:10:19,973
This is just like high school.
260
00:10:20,041 --> 00:10:22,042
Always acting
like she's better than me.
261
00:10:22,110 --> 00:10:24,378
Talking about,
have I seen a BlackBerry?
262
00:10:24,445 --> 00:10:26,346
Bitch, I am a BlackBerry.
263
00:10:26,414 --> 00:10:28,282
You think you're a diva, Janet?
264
00:10:28,349 --> 00:10:30,551
Well, guess what--
I'm a diva, too!
265
00:10:30,618 --> 00:10:31,818
♪ Ooh... ♪
266
00:10:31,886 --> 00:10:33,520
What is happening?
267
00:10:33,588 --> 00:10:35,255
This Thanksgiving,
Janet's watching the kids.
268
00:10:35,323 --> 00:10:36,790
All of them!
269
00:10:36,858 --> 00:10:39,493
And I'm the one who's going
to have fun in Vegas.
270
00:10:39,561 --> 00:10:41,261
We're going to Vegas!
271
00:10:41,329 --> 00:10:43,030
And we are going
to have...
272
00:10:43,097 --> 00:10:44,231
♪ Fun... ♪
273
00:10:44,299 --> 00:10:49,870
♪ Fun... ♪
274
00:10:49,938 --> 00:10:52,239
I'm a diva, too.
275
00:10:55,910 --> 00:10:58,078
That would be tickets
for two adults,
276
00:10:58,146 --> 00:11:01,281
five children
and zero turkeys.
277
00:11:01,349 --> 00:11:03,517
Okay, seven round-trip,
same-day purchase,
278
00:11:03,585 --> 00:11:05,052
day-before-
Thanksgiving tickets.
279
00:11:05,119 --> 00:11:08,188
Your total
is... $15,600.
280
00:11:09,390 --> 00:11:12,392
In that case,
winged migration!
281
00:11:45,181 --> 00:11:46,965
Hmm. I like these
kid leashes.
282
00:11:47,035 --> 00:11:49,503
White people are
onto something.
283
00:11:49,571 --> 00:11:53,140
Excuse me, have you seen
a short, unattractive gentleman
284
00:11:53,208 --> 00:11:55,976
who's overcompensating
by dressing flashy
285
00:11:56,044 --> 00:11:58,312
and loudly bragging
about how drunk he is?
286
00:11:58,380 --> 00:11:59,380
Ah, yes.
287
00:11:59,447 --> 00:12:01,348
He's right...
everywhere.
288
00:12:01,416 --> 00:12:02,716
Bro!
Bro!
289
00:12:02,784 --> 00:12:03,984
Bro!
Bro!
290
00:12:04,052 --> 00:12:05,085
Bro!
291
00:12:05,153 --> 00:12:07,021
Let me be more specific.
292
00:12:07,088 --> 00:12:09,440
This particular short gentleman
293
00:12:09,507 --> 00:12:12,126
is with a tall,
statuesque black woman.
294
00:12:12,193 --> 00:12:13,927
Oh, Bill Maher
is right there.
295
00:12:13,995 --> 00:12:14,995
Oh, hey, Donna.
296
00:12:15,046 --> 00:12:15,963
Hey, Bill.
297
00:12:16,031 --> 00:12:18,098
I am so annoyed at Janet.
298
00:12:18,166 --> 00:12:20,100
What kind of woman
just runs off to Vegas
299
00:12:20,168 --> 00:12:22,603
and pays no attention
to her children's well-being?
300
00:12:22,671 --> 00:12:25,172
Mm. And on
Thanksgiving.
301
00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:27,174
The holiest
of holidays.
302
00:12:27,242 --> 00:12:28,175
Yah!
303
00:12:31,646 --> 00:12:33,914
All right, let's get rich.
304
00:12:33,982 --> 00:12:36,817
Dang, how are we supposed
to know which one's hot?
305
00:12:36,885 --> 00:12:38,986
Come on, Junior,
you're the math genius.
306
00:12:39,054 --> 00:12:42,122
The statistical probability
of a three-tiered game.
307
00:12:42,190 --> 00:12:46,126
Payout ratio of N to the X over
square root of N minus four.
308
00:12:46,194 --> 00:12:47,628
Average number of attempts
per jackpot...
309
00:12:47,695 --> 00:12:48,696
Jackpot!
310
00:12:48,763 --> 00:12:50,164
Yo! Yo!
311
00:12:50,215 --> 00:12:51,364
Earth to Girth!
312
00:12:51,416 --> 00:12:52,349
I won!
313
00:12:52,417 --> 00:12:53,600
I hit it big!
314
00:12:53,668 --> 00:12:55,269
No. Unh-unh.
315
00:12:55,336 --> 00:12:56,470
Get out!
316
00:12:56,538 --> 00:12:58,439
I'm serious?!
317
00:12:58,506 --> 00:13:00,424
Now we got to find
somebody who's old enough
318
00:13:00,508 --> 00:13:02,309
to cash in this
ticket for us.
319
00:13:03,511 --> 00:13:04,845
Excuse me, miss.
320
00:13:04,913 --> 00:13:06,980
I was just wondering
what a pretty lady like you
321
00:13:07,048 --> 00:13:09,049
is doing sitting over here
all by herself?
322
00:13:09,117 --> 00:13:10,684
I'm an escort.
323
00:13:10,752 --> 00:13:13,387
Well, if you help us
cash in this ticket,
324
00:13:13,455 --> 00:13:16,623
you can escort my colleague
and me to dinner this evening.
325
00:13:16,691 --> 00:13:19,026
Love to.
326
00:13:19,094 --> 00:13:21,261
Just let me go change
my underpants first.
327
00:13:21,329 --> 00:13:22,362
You know what?
328
00:13:22,430 --> 00:13:23,864
Why don't we
all do that.
329
00:13:23,932 --> 00:13:25,199
Meet back
here in five.
330
00:13:25,250 --> 00:13:27,201
No wait, ten.
331
00:13:29,037 --> 00:13:30,904
It's you! Beyoncé!
332
00:13:30,972 --> 00:13:32,673
It's-a Beyoncé!
333
00:13:34,843 --> 00:13:36,910
Beyoncé?
334
00:13:36,978 --> 00:13:39,313
Damn right I'm Beyoncé!
335
00:13:39,380 --> 00:13:41,715
I'm married to Jay-Z.
336
00:13:41,766 --> 00:13:44,218
He liked it,
he put a ring on it.
337
00:13:44,285 --> 00:13:46,687
You are most
gracious, Beyoncé.
338
00:13:52,594 --> 00:13:53,627
♪ ♪
339
00:14:34,803 --> 00:14:35,736
MILF alert!
340
00:14:35,803 --> 00:14:37,187
Got MILF?
341
00:14:37,272 --> 00:14:38,405
I'm Jon Gosselin!
342
00:14:38,473 --> 00:14:40,007
Cleveland, it's Donna.
343
00:14:40,074 --> 00:14:42,276
I've been to seven casinos
on the strip, four off,
344
00:14:42,343 --> 00:14:44,511
eight all-you-can-eat buffets,
I worked a car show,
345
00:14:44,579 --> 00:14:46,847
drove a Gypsy cab, walked
through The Luxor-- blech--
346
00:14:46,915 --> 00:14:48,315
but no sign of Janet or Holt.
347
00:14:48,383 --> 00:14:49,349
How about you?
348
00:14:49,417 --> 00:14:50,317
Nothing.
349
00:14:50,385 --> 00:14:52,486
And I've looked everywhere, too.
350
00:14:52,554 --> 00:14:54,721
Even as we speak,
I'm sitting here
351
00:14:54,789 --> 00:14:56,590
with the Las Vegas
Police Department
352
00:14:56,658 --> 00:14:59,626
searching through the records
of all incoming citizens.
353
00:14:59,694 --> 00:15:02,196
Sipping coffee
out of a little Styrofoam cup
354
00:15:02,263 --> 00:15:03,697
in a windowless room.
355
00:15:03,765 --> 00:15:05,465
Staring at a flickering
computer screen...
356
00:15:08,870 --> 00:15:10,938
Oh, Donna, I'm at a pool.
357
00:15:11,005 --> 00:15:12,506
I'm sorry.
358
00:15:12,574 --> 00:15:14,508
I'll look, I'll find them.
359
00:15:14,576 --> 00:15:16,910
This pool don't mean
nothing to me!
360
00:15:16,978 --> 00:15:19,012
I suppose I wanted
to get caught.
361
00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:21,448
I'm sick!
362
00:15:34,596 --> 00:15:35,829
Give me a break.
363
00:15:35,897 --> 00:15:36,797
No time.
364
00:15:36,865 --> 00:15:38,532
Got to go find Holt and Janet.
365
00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:41,068
Luke Wilson, make sure
no one steals my goggles.
366
00:15:41,135 --> 00:15:42,903
Cle-Bro, grub time.
367
00:15:42,971 --> 00:15:45,272
They were out of sliders
so I got you popcorn shrimp.
368
00:15:46,574 --> 00:15:48,008
I told you I'm sick!
369
00:15:48,076 --> 00:15:50,043
I found him an hour ago!
370
00:15:50,111 --> 00:15:53,280
I was gonna tell you, but then
I got hungry and thirsty!
371
00:15:53,348 --> 00:15:55,482
Oh, Donna.
372
00:15:55,550 --> 00:15:59,853
Nobody is more disappointed
in me right now than I am!
373
00:15:59,921 --> 00:16:01,054
No fries?
374
00:16:01,122 --> 00:16:02,522
Holt, we're here
to return these kids
375
00:16:02,590 --> 00:16:03,757
to their irresponsible mother.
376
00:16:03,825 --> 00:16:05,092
Now, where the hell is she?
377
00:16:05,159 --> 00:16:06,260
At King Dong's.
378
00:16:06,327 --> 00:16:07,961
All male revue.
Bachelorette day.
379
00:16:08,029 --> 00:16:09,062
We're getting married.
380
00:16:09,130 --> 00:16:10,430
What?!
381
00:16:10,498 --> 00:16:11,832
Holt-a said they get-a married.
382
00:16:11,900 --> 00:16:12,933
Listen!
383
00:16:13,001 --> 00:16:14,468
I'm sorry!
384
00:16:14,535 --> 00:16:16,970
Holt, you don't
want to marry Janet.
385
00:16:17,038 --> 00:16:18,238
Because of
the C-section scar?
386
00:16:18,306 --> 00:16:19,239
Doesn't bother me.
387
00:16:19,307 --> 00:16:20,507
Bothers me a little.
388
00:16:20,575 --> 00:16:23,176
Cleveland, try and talk
some sense into him.
389
00:16:23,244 --> 00:16:24,978
I'll deal
with my sister.
390
00:16:25,046 --> 00:16:26,880
Yah!
391
00:16:26,948 --> 00:16:28,081
Listen, Cleveland...
392
00:16:28,149 --> 00:16:30,050
Holt, Janet's got
two children.
393
00:16:30,118 --> 00:16:32,085
Children who
need a father.
394
00:16:32,153 --> 00:16:35,889
And trust me, being a father
is a full-time job.
395
00:16:35,940 --> 00:16:37,057
Woo-hoo-hoo!
396
00:16:47,368 --> 00:16:50,237
I'll admit I don't know much
about being a dad,
397
00:16:50,305 --> 00:16:51,672
but I'm gonna try.
398
00:16:51,739 --> 00:16:53,040
She's worth it to me.
399
00:16:53,107 --> 00:16:56,143
Besides, I got the world's
greatest dad as a teacher.
400
00:16:56,210 --> 00:16:57,177
You.
401
00:16:57,245 --> 00:16:59,346
I'll need a moment.
402
00:17:01,916 --> 00:17:05,085
Thank you, Freddy.
403
00:17:05,153 --> 00:17:07,654
Holt, you have
my blessing.
404
00:17:07,722 --> 00:17:09,256
Want to see pictures
of her naked?
405
00:17:09,324 --> 00:17:10,691
Yes, I do.
406
00:17:10,758 --> 00:17:12,426
Mm.
407
00:17:12,493 --> 00:17:13,527
Thank you, Freddy.
408
00:17:18,599 --> 00:17:20,701
Donna!
What are you doing here?
409
00:17:20,768 --> 00:17:22,169
I heard you were
getting married,
410
00:17:22,236 --> 00:17:23,770
so I got you a
wedding gift.
411
00:17:23,838 --> 00:17:25,305
Your children!
412
00:17:25,356 --> 00:17:29,409
Janet, it's time for you to
stop acting like a child!
413
00:17:29,477 --> 00:17:31,178
Do you think I like
being the grown-up
414
00:17:31,245 --> 00:17:33,613
while you hook up with
one random guy after another?
415
00:17:33,681 --> 00:17:35,349
You think I don't want
to sleep with
416
00:17:35,416 --> 00:17:37,417
every man who buys me a drink?
417
00:17:37,485 --> 00:17:38,418
'Cause I do.
418
00:17:38,486 --> 00:17:40,020
All women do.
419
00:17:40,088 --> 00:17:44,524
But I don't let myself,
because I have responsibilities.
420
00:17:44,592 --> 00:17:46,460
And so do you.
421
00:17:46,527 --> 00:17:49,730
If you're talking about the
boys, their father's a pastor.
422
00:17:49,797 --> 00:17:52,132
So they got God
looking after them.
423
00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:55,369
Look, Janet, marriage
means something to Holt.
424
00:17:55,436 --> 00:17:58,672
He's not some late-night host
or governor of South Carolina
425
00:17:58,740 --> 00:18:00,407
or the best golfer
in the world.
426
00:18:00,475 --> 00:18:01,708
Don't do
this to him.
427
00:18:01,776 --> 00:18:03,744
Donna, this is my life.
428
00:18:03,811 --> 00:18:07,314
And I'd appreciate some respect
on this blessed day.
429
00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:14,388
♪ ♪
430
00:18:18,493 --> 00:18:21,328
Before we get started, no,
I'm not an Elvis impersonator.
431
00:18:21,396 --> 00:18:22,629
I just wear this costume
432
00:18:22,697 --> 00:18:24,398
to remind his family
that he's dead.
433
00:18:24,465 --> 00:18:27,200
Okay, on to the vows.
434
00:18:27,268 --> 00:18:31,204
"Janet, I have found in you
435
00:18:31,272 --> 00:18:34,641
"the other half of myself...
436
00:18:34,708 --> 00:18:37,928
"that I never knew
I was looking for.
437
00:18:39,313 --> 00:18:41,581
"Our souls have
become intertwined,
438
00:18:41,649 --> 00:18:44,451
"like the weird scene in Avatar
439
00:18:44,519 --> 00:18:47,587
"where they did it
under the light-up tree.
440
00:18:47,655 --> 00:18:50,657
"We may not have
much of a past,
441
00:18:50,725 --> 00:18:51,992
"but we have a long,
442
00:18:52,060 --> 00:18:54,795
long future ahead of us.
443
00:18:54,862 --> 00:18:59,232
And I will always
be here for you.
444
00:19:00,668 --> 00:19:02,636
The Holt abides.
445
00:19:02,703 --> 00:19:05,172
Died a drug addict on a toilet--
some king.
446
00:19:05,239 --> 00:19:06,373
Your turn, ma'am.
447
00:19:09,811 --> 00:19:12,879
Look, Holt, I
can't marry you.
448
00:19:12,947 --> 00:19:14,514
My sister's right.
449
00:19:14,582 --> 00:19:18,085
You're too nice a guy
for a party girl like me.
450
00:19:18,152 --> 00:19:19,686
Oh, God.
451
00:19:19,754 --> 00:19:21,354
I-I think
I need a Red Bull.
452
00:19:21,422 --> 00:19:23,256
Thank you, Freddy.
453
00:19:25,860 --> 00:19:28,261
I'm just realizing
that I'm not ready
454
00:19:28,329 --> 00:19:30,297
to settle down
right now.
455
00:19:30,364 --> 00:19:31,565
I'm sorry.
456
00:19:34,702 --> 00:19:37,104
But I am open to
being non-monogamous,
457
00:19:37,171 --> 00:19:39,272
long-distance boyfriend
and girlfriend.
458
00:19:39,340 --> 00:19:40,640
What does that mean?
459
00:19:40,708 --> 00:19:43,310
I'll sleep with you
whenever I'm in town.
460
00:19:43,377 --> 00:19:45,745
Do I still have to dress up
like Austin Powers every time?
461
00:19:45,813 --> 00:19:47,214
I never asked
you to do that.
462
00:19:47,281 --> 00:19:48,715
Didn't have to.
463
00:19:48,783 --> 00:19:50,383
Wedding's off, everybody.
464
00:19:50,451 --> 00:19:52,853
But we're still
gonna shag, baby!
465
00:19:53,921 --> 00:19:56,490
It was the first Thanksgiving
466
00:19:56,557 --> 00:19:58,658
where civilized people
came together
467
00:19:58,726 --> 00:20:01,061
with a bunch of godless savages.
468
00:20:01,129 --> 00:20:04,631
Much like today, as my family
breaks bread with you,
469
00:20:04,699 --> 00:20:07,634
the human garbage of Las Vegas.
470
00:20:07,702 --> 00:20:10,337
We welcome you,
leathery showgirl,
471
00:20:10,404 --> 00:20:14,524
joyless blackjack dealer,
creepy rape-vibe magicians
472
00:20:14,609 --> 00:20:17,511
and creepy rape-vibe Carrot Top.
473
00:20:17,578 --> 00:20:20,113
I'd also like to welcome
my son's escort,
474
00:20:20,164 --> 00:20:22,482
my stepdaughter's
Asian entourage--
475
00:20:22,550 --> 00:20:25,152
we feed you long time.
476
00:20:25,219 --> 00:20:29,556
I also want to acknowledge
my teensy-weensy neighbor Holt
477
00:20:29,624 --> 00:20:33,059
and my loosey-vavoosey
sister-in-law Janet.
478
00:20:33,127 --> 00:20:37,197
Here's to them casually getting
down until she gets pregnant,
479
00:20:37,265 --> 00:20:39,266
and then they'll have
some decisions!
480
00:20:42,336 --> 00:20:44,137
Would you like
to do the honors?
481
00:20:47,175 --> 00:20:50,677
Dad, did you kill
Turkey Luke Wilson?
482
00:20:50,745 --> 00:20:52,345
No, son, I didn't.
483
00:20:52,413 --> 00:20:54,214
He had a coke-fueled
heart attack
484
00:20:54,282 --> 00:20:56,349
at a strip club
early this morning.
485
00:20:56,417 --> 00:20:58,118
Happy Thanksgiving,
everyone!
486
00:20:59,987 --> 00:21:03,488
== sync, corrected by elderman ==