Previously on Nurse Jackie...
You see my wife every day?
What do you want to say?
You gotta know what I'm talking about.
We got a problem.
- There is no "we." - Kevin knows.
- I'm here to see Jackie Peyton. - And you are?
- Her husband. - Jackie's not married.
You pull me in here and tell me I can't administer meds
and you expect me not to push you?
I don't want HR launching a full-fledged investigation,
because then I'll have no say in the matter.
It's been two weeks, Gloria. I want to get on with my life.
I will prescribe what I think is best
for you in your situation to get you clean.
Are you trying to buy your statues back?
I want them back for the chapel. Coop wants them back for his wedding.
It's a win-win.
I took a couple of patches, might have been four.
I took six.
And I've never been to Haiti.
You shouldn't be talking about this.
Why not? It's true.
Anyways, if it's sunny out,
all you need is a magnifying glass
and you can make a fire, easy.
I don't need a magnifying glass.
Show me later.
What about tumors?
I get them all the time.
I got tumors like you can't believe.
All over.
Sometimes they hide.
Have a seat, Mr. Digby.
If you don't let me see a doctor in, like,
five minutes, I'm gonna call an ambulance
and take my business to another hospital.
You wanna use my phone? No?
Okay, have a seat.
- You're not going to like what I have to say. - Try me.
HR has issued mandatory urine tests
for the nurses in my department.
Failure to comply will be met with termination.
Today? Tomorrow? When?
Today.
And just so we understand each other,
this is not coming from my office.
It's straight from HR.
Either way, I don't pee on command.
- Hey. - Hey, Slater.
- We get to pee in a cup today. - So I heard.
- Want half a bagel? - No, thank you. I'm reducing.
Find me when you're ready, both of you.
If I'm not in my office, I'll be in the chapel.
I'm getting my statues back.
Nothing can stop me now.
Hey!
Are you their boss? You tell her to let me in!
Is it your turn?
You see that? I'm having a seizure.
Where's the camera?
I'm gonna have a seizure and die.
And my lawyer's gonna sue the hospital.
You're gonna get shut down.
And I won't care, because I'm gonna be rich.
You'll be dead.
Urine samples.
Have a nice day.
- What if she wanted half a bagel? - I'd be fucked.
I thought I'd get a jump on the pee test.
- Wanna see? - Sure.
All right, vitamin B, zinc, ginger, aspirin.
I load up about eight hours before,
jacks the numbers around.
I like to smoke a little weed.
It's not worth losing your job.
Yeah, no, you're right.
Pound the fluids. Helps increase the output.
A nice watery sample.
- So does that just work for pot or... - Yeah.
Tox screens are a bitch.
Help yourself.
No, I'm good.
Do I got time for a smoke?
Most blood I ever saw.
He's a Civil War collector.
He was cleaning his Confederate sword.
What is that code for?
We're talking about nerds, not perverts.
A person can be both.
So he was cleaning his sword with Windex and a rag.
All four fingers... Down to the bone.
I feel bad for the patients who are, you know, stupid.
It's a guy I'm dating.
Works in ICU, so...
- Raise the bar, Thor. - 7:00 sharp.
Front row, chapel. Be there.
Got an awesome birthday wedding cake.
Right, Jackie? Jackie's on cake duty.
- Best cake ever. - Wow, you're in scrubs.
Is it for your birthday? Happy birthday, by the way.
Thank you, Zoey. But don't everyone say it all at once.
I want today to be sprinkled with joy.
So if you could spread it out a little,
catch me in the hall, the elevator, wherever.
And since everyone's dying to know what I'm doing in scrubs,
it's in case a patient pukes on me.
Tuxedo, locked and loaded.
One tux, two ties. Four shoes.
- Where's Slater? I need an opinion. - He's in admitting.
Yo, Slates!
I need some help with the tie.
Birthday boy's getting hitched.
Did you guys get him anything?
I turned him into Cooper Duper. That was my gift.
And I apparently bought him a cake, so he's fine.
Don't tell me you spent your money on Coop.
What? I believe in birthdays.
You are officially on cake duty.
EMS one minute away. Boiler exploded.
Thirty-year-old male with a foot of pipe stuck in his stomach.
All right, page O'Hara. Call the OR.
Witnessed explosion. Thirty-year-old male found down.
Two lines wide open. He's breathing on his own.
He needs to go straight to the OR.
Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.
Seriously, straight to surgery.
I need to stabilize him first.
Lenny, let's go. Inside, now.
Look at me. It's like a candle, okay?
He's gonna go out like that.
You'll be stabilizing him for the morgue.
Come on, let me take him up.
Write in his hand. It's...
In his... Write in his hands.
All right, Zoey, take him up now.
There's another one coming.
Thirty-five-year-old male, crawling around at the scene,
breathing on his own. BP's 180 over 100.
Valium in the field, five mil.
- I think he might be blind. - Got it.
Are you gonna chicken out?
- No, are you? - Nope.
Told you.
It's okay, I'm Jackie. You're at All Saints.
Sir, sir, can you hear me?
Sir?
"My name is David Bonvino. I am deaf and blind.
"In case of emergency, call my brother."
Okay, you handle the meds. I'll make the call.
- Urine test. - Leave me alone.
Shit. What if it's a family member?
- I've never done this. - You got it, boo.
- Hello? - Zoey?
- Jackie? - Jackie Jackie?
- We'll take him from here. - Wait.
Cool your jets. He's trying to say something.
I got a guy here, deaf and blind,
and a card that says in case of emergency, call the brother.
- Do you have a brother? - He can't sign.
Write in his hand. Write in his hand.
He can't sign. Write in his hand.
All right, you're gonna be all right, man.
The guy with the pipe sticking out of his gut, that's his brother.
Here, I'm gonna write in his hand.
- Gloves? - No, I'm good.
You are okay.
Okay?
"Is he okay?"
I'm gonna tell him yes.
"Y-E-S." Okay?
What? Do you have a better answer?
Yeah, he's okay.
God, Fi, what did you do?
We made a fire.
I got caught.
Answer your fucking phone.
Nope.
Hey, Jackie. Too much?
It's either him or me. You gotta pick.
Sorry, Coop.
You may have won the battle,
but I'll win the war. Watch me.
Best man, just saying.
- I know that look. - Do you?
'Cause if you did, you'd know to keep that thought to yourself.
Guess I should have picked Coop.
Oh, man, this day...
People gotta leave me alone.
Deaf, blind, tumor, pee test...
Man, I need a fucking break.
Yeah, you do.
It's Kevin.
- Don't pick that up. - What?
What are you afraid of? He's in Queens.
You think he's gonna crawl through the phone
- and be magically standing here? - Eddie, leave it alone.
No, fuck it. You be afraid if you want.
Me, I'm done running.
Hey, Kev. What can I do for you?
Yeah, do me a favor.
Go find my wife and tell her to pick up her goddamn phone.
All right, well, I'll see if anyone knows where she's at.
- Is everything okay? - Listen to me, Eddie.
Tell her she can blow me off all she wants
after she calls me back, but she has to call me. Now.
Tell her.
- Everybody okay? - Call him back.
You were right, you should've picked Coop.
I always knew this day would come.
Yeah, me, too.
If you're avoiding the urine test,
I want you to tell me now.
No, actually, I'm avoiding my husband,
but thanks for thinking of me.
No running in the halls!
Come on!
Where are your shoes?
Anyone seen my crackhead?
You gotta be more specific.
Vegetarian?
Jackie's got her in 5.
- Quit poking me! - Stop.
You gotta stay still or they're gonna restrain you, okay?
Let's get the IV started, we'll get some fluids in you, a little IV Valium.
You're gonna feel much better, okay?
- You give her Valium yet? - No.
How about you do the Valium? I'll do the Zofran.
- Man, I tried for an hour to get a line in. - So I escaped.
Totally dehydrated. She was up all night throwing up.
It was the bacon, not the crack.
- It was not the crack. - No?
Monica here ate two pounds of bacon
after not eating meat for six years.
- I see. - I was tweaking and starving
at the same time, which is practically impossible.
And then all of a sudden, I smelled bacon.
And I was like, "Bacon! Starving! Seize the moment!"
I'm Mr. Seize-the-Moment. Just ask Jackie.
Excuse me just a minute.
Hey, what's going on?
Everything checks out, so I've got a van waiting.
We're gonna take him home. He'll be more comfortable there.
He looks pretty comfortable where he is.
But there's nothing wrong with him, and we need the bed.
Just let me do my job, okay?
You need a hand getting him dressed?
- No, I got it. - Okay.
Bonvino, pipe guy, is he dead or alive?
Alive. Intensive care.
Good. This is O'Hara's patient.
Shit. You gotta keep him in his gown.
But I have a van waiting.
No, I totally fucked up. You gotta help me out here.
I was supposed to have him up to ICU an hour ago.
I am gonna get killed.
See, they gotta keep him for serial CTs and observation.
- Sorry. - I have to call upstairs.
Okay, you do that. Thor!
- As fast as you can, okay? - But I'm supposed to meet
Coop's bride by the front entrance
in case she needs help with her hair.
Tell your friend in the ICU to put him next to his brother.
I want them to be together, okay? Do whatever you gotta do.
- I will take care of the bride's hair. - No.
Just go.
- But... - Go!
But you can't...
I went to, like, 10 places.
No one sells wedding cakes.
It's a world of birthdays out there.
I'm sure it'll be fine. Don't worry about it.
You think that's the bride?
She seems really nervous.
Here, you hold these.
I'm gonna run and get a cart.
Come on. Go inside, go inside.
Come on, honey, go inside.
Go inside.
Yes!
What? Oh, God.
No, no, no.
Oh, God.
T minus one till my Ave Maria.
- Nice cart. - Urology.
Five more minutes and then back to work.
That's a lot of sugar, people.
- Hurry, hurry, hurry. - Sorry I'm late.
- I think the bride is a no-show. - No!
That's really rude.
- I look like an idiot. - No, no, not at all.
Everybody's together,
the chapel looks like a chapel again, and it's because of you.
You did it.
Look how happy Akalitus is. That is not easy.
I feel like an asshole.
- You got me a horse and carriage. - Not exactly.
No one's ever gonna wanna marry me.
That's not true.
Thank you for my statues, Dr. Cooper.
It might be kind of dumb, but...
Too soon, Zoey, but thanks.
No, it's for your birthday.
It's from all of us.
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, Dr. Cooper...
- My work here is done. - Just go.
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday.
Tough break, Coop.
It didn't turn out like I thought.
It never does.
- Just pedal. - Yeah.
Coop! Wait up.
Slide over.
Somebody get that, please?
Not so fast.
It's time.
Anything you want to tell me?
Nope.
You saw his face.
You should feel more bad for him.
I do.
I feel horrible for him.
My heart goes out to the guy.
Well, it doesn't look like it.
Zoey, I took a urine test I know I'm gonna pass.
Let me enjoy it, okay?
Mr. Peyton, welcome.
- And what a pleasure. - Zoey, right?
Correctamundo.
Sam, I'd like you to meet Jackie's husband,
- Mr. Peyton. - Nice to meet you.
Welcome to All Saints.
You must be the girls.
We're kind of in a hurry. Is Jackie around?
Yes, I will go find Mrs. Peyton.
- Excuse us. - Jacks!
Kind of busy.
- Kevin's in admitting. - God damn it.
With the girls.
- Hope you're happy. - I'm not.
What do I do? Tell me what to do.
Your daughters are so pretty!
Okay, private moment. I see that,
but I have to pee really bad.
I'm sorry.
Stay calm. Everything will be fine.
The tall one is her daughter.
She's 100.
I'm sorry. Granddaughter. Great-granddaughter.
- Better. Thank you. - Sorry for your loss.
All right, fine.
I'll take the girls and keep them busy
with x-rays and sugar until I hear from you.
Jackie?
How does a person even get to be that old?
Well, for starters, a person doesn't fuck the pharmacist.
It's so much bigger than that.
What the fuck am I doing? I just peed in a cup.
We all know how that's gonna turn out.
Kev's out there with his head full of accusations,
most of them true, by the way.
- What? - She's dead and I'm jealous.
- How fucked up is that? - Oh, God, please don't get dreary on me.
Come on.
Let's get it over with.
Hello.
I'm looking for a Grace
and Fiona Peyton?
I can't see...
Wow, what a cool surprise, you guys.
So Dr. O'Hara's gonna show you around.
Daddy and I are gonna talk a little bit, okay?
I don't think you'll be so happy
when you find out what I did.
- I bet I will. - I bet you won't.
Are you guys gonna be long?
You got your books just in case, okay?
- Thank you. - Fine.
Right, bring your books. Absolutely no homework allowed.
Follow me. We shall go and look at broken things.
You brought the girls? Really?
I gotta get this off my chest, Jackie.
And I don't wanna do it at the house
with the girls in the next fucking room.
Okay? Tunie's at work. What else am I supposed to do?
You're the dad. You're supposed to hold it in.
Follow me.
- Extra wedding cake. - We have tons.
No, thank you.
It's not like I wanna be doing this, okay?
This is the hardest thing I've ever done.
Will you look at me?
One's on meds, the other one's starting fires.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Whatever we're doing is messing them up.
Well, I disagree.
We were married in a church.
We had two little girls.
It's not just a piece of paper.
- Oh, my God, just spit it out. - I'm trying.
- I've been trying for weeks. - All right, I'm here. I'm all yours, okay?
Just say what you fucking gotta say.
You can't just step outside a marriage
and fuck someone else, because things got hard
and expect the marriage to survive.
- Kevin... - Just let me say it.
I had an affair.
Things got so bad,
so hopeless and lonely, even in the same room.
And I just...
I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
I fucked up.
It's over.
It will never happen again.
You gotta believe me, Jackie.
- Believe me. - I...
What am I supposed to say?
I don't know.
"I love you"?
"I forgive you"?
Something like that.
Pack your bags.
Fuck 'em.