(mariachi band playing) (Queens accent) UH, YEAH, SO I'D LIKE TO--
I'D LIKE TO DEDICATE THIS SONG TO MY--
I GUESS, AS OF 4 HOURS AND 28 MINUTES AGO,
MY EX-BOYFRIEND.
KEEP IT SLOW, BOYS.
♪♪
♪ UPTOWN BOY ♪
WHISKEY NEAT AND A MERLOT.
♪ LIVING IN HIS UPTOWN WORLD ♪
CAN'T YOU JUST SHOOT HER WITH AN ARROW
AND MAKE HER ALL BETTER? NO BOW, NO ARROW. THOSE ARE THE RULES.
HMM. I'M MAKING MATCHES BY HAND NOW.
SEEMS LIKE MENIAL WORK FOR A GOD, DOESN'T IT? YOU'RE NOT A GOD.
YOU'RE MY TRUSTING BROTHER'S
RECENTLY RELEASED MENTAL HEALTH PATIENT ROOMMATE AND EMPLOYEE.
AND THAT GIRL UP THERE...
♪ LIVING IN HIS WHITE-BREAD WORLD ♪
SANTA CLAUS, EASTER BUNNY, OPRAH SUPER TEAM
COULDN'T HELP THAT ONE.
♪ HOT BLOOD CAN ♪
♪ AND NOW HE'S LOOKING FOR A DOWNTOWN MA'AM ♪
(sighs) YEP.
NOTHING SADDER THAN A WOMAN WHO'S BEEN DUMPED.
YEAH. SHE WASN'T DUMPED.
SHE DUMPED ME.
WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GET OVER THERE.
SHE OBVIOUSLY STILL LOVES YOU.
SHE'S WAITING FOR YOU TO WAKE UP AND MAKE UP YOUR MI-I-IND.
NO, SHE KNOWS HOW I FEEL.
WOMEN NEED A GRAND DISPLAY, BUDDY.
THEY WANT BOOM BOXES AND PETER GABRIEL.
YOU GOTTA PROCLAIM YOUR LOVE.
NOW?
NO. WAIT PATIENTLY UNTIL SHE'S DONE
AND THEN MEANDER OVER ALL POLITE AND PASSIONLESS.
THAT'LL GET HER. SACK UP, SONNY BOY.
BE A MAN. GRAND DISPLAY.
(teeth clenched) GO GET THAT GIRL.
GO!
♪ AND MAKES UP HIS MI-I-- ♪
DEBBIE!
(music stops)
LANCE?
DEBBIE, I LOVE YOU!
BUT IF YOU CAN TELL ME RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW
THAT YOU DON'T LOVE ME,
THEN I WILL BE OUT OF YOUR LIFE FOREVER.
I DON'T LOVE YOU, LANCE.
(crowd gasps)
REALLY?
♪♪
(woman) ISN'T IT CRAZY?
I'M THIS AMERICAN GIRL AT AN ANIMAL RIGHTS RALLY,
AND HE'S THIS FRENCH GUY
WHOSE FAMILY LOBBIES FOR THE FOIE GRAS INDUSTRY.
AND WE MEET, AND IT'S LIKE FIREWORKS.
AGAIN, MY CONCERN IS THE DIFFERENCES
YOU'RE DESCRIBING MAY ULTIMATELY BE A PROBLEM.
I MENTIONED HE WAS HOT, RIGHT? AND FRENCH?
YES.
OPPOSITES MIGHT ATTRACT,
BUT IT'S COMMONALITY THAT UNITES.
NOW I'M SPEAKING ABOUT THIS ON THE RADIO TOMORROW--
IF ANYONE'S INTERESTED-- "THE STEVE AND LOLA SHOW."
YOU'RE SO NOT GETTING THIS. JUST LISTEN.
(man, French accent) I have such little time left
in New York City, and after meeting you today,
I would like to spend as much of it as I can with you. (beep)
SERIOUSLY, I HAVE BEEN WAITING MY WHOLE LIFE
TO GET A MESSAGE LIKE THIS. (man) HE'S NOT FRENCH.
SORRY. I JUST... THOUGHT SHE SHOULD KNOW.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK HE'S LYING?
LINGUISTICS IS MY AREA OF EXPERTISE.
I'M A DIALECT COACH.
YOUR SUITOR DEFINITELY GREW UP WITH A FRENCH-SPEAKING PARENT
IN THE HOME, BUT HE'S NOT A NATIVE TO FRANCE.
HE'S FROM THE OHIO VALLEY. THAT'S QUITE A TALENT YOU HAVE THERE.
CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE I'M FROM? CONNECTICUT.
THOUGH I SUSPECT YOU LIVED JUST SOUTH OF ATLANTA
AS A TODDLER. (murmuring)
OH, MY.
YOU WANT ME TO LISTEN TO THIS MAN SPEAK--
THIS TREVOR--THEN TELL YOU WHAT I CAN ABOUT HIS ORIGINS?
EXACTLY. AND I WISH I COULD TELL YOU MORE,
BUT... PROFESSIONAL ETHICS. NO, I'D BE HAPPY TO LEND MY SKILLS...
IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND RETURNING A FAVOR?
YOUR BELIEF IN COMMONALITIES IS ONE OF THE REASONS
I STARTED COMING TO THESE SESSIONS,
BUT I'M STILL STRUGGLING
TO FIND THAT CEREBRAL, RESERVED, CULTURED WOMAN
WHO SHARES MY INTERESTS.
WELL, WHAT ARE YOUR INTERESTS?
OH, CROSSWORDS, CLASSIC LITERATURE,
SOUTHEAST ASIAN COLOR BLOCK ART.
IF I HELP YOU, CAN YOU HELP ME?
♪♪
(cell phone rings)
(beep)
HELLO.
MR. PIERCE, PLEASE HOLD FOR DR. McCRAE.
DR. McCRAE, YOU HAVE MR. PIERCE.
WHERE ARE YOU? T-SHIRT, JEANS AND A SMILE.
WHAT ARE YOU WEARING? THAT'S NOT WHAT I ASKED.
YET IT'S WHAT YOU WANTED TO KNOW.
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO COME TO THE SINGLES' GROUP TONIGHT.
I HAD TO COVER A SHIFT AT THE BAR TONIGHT.
DR. McCRAE, YOU HAVE ANOTHER CALL.
I'M COMING BY YOUR WORK TOMORROW.
I HAVE FORMS FOR YOU TO SIGN. ALL RIGHT, BUT I'M WARNING YOU,
I'M JUST AS HANDSOME IN THE DAYTIME.
YOU'RE NOT REALLY PROTECTING YOURSELF. GOOD-BYE, TREVOR.
(beep) HERE'S WALTER.
WALTER, HI. I'M STANDING RIGHT OUTSIDE THE BAR.
DID YOU DETERMINE WHETHER HE'S WORKING? I JUST TALKED TO HIM.
HE'LL BE TENDING BAR ALL NIGHT. YOU CAN'T MISS HIM--
TALL, DARK HAIR, BIG BROWN EYES,
KIND OF A DOPEY GRIN.
WHATEVER HIS ACCENT MIGHT TELL YOU ABOUT HIS ORIGINS
WOULD BE ENORMOUSLY HELPFUL. (beep)
(horns honk in distance)
HI.
I'LL HAVE A-A LIGHT BEER, PLEASE.
(imitates Midwestern accent) OH, YEAH, YEAH.
(opens bottle)
(imitates British accent) THAT'LL GO DOWN A TREAT, MATE. THANK YOU.
(imitates Midwestern accent) OH, YEAH, SURE. OH!
(imitates Yiddish accent) OH, WOULD YOU LIKE A LITTLE NOSH
AND A KIBITZ WITH YOUR COCKTAIL, BUBALAH? DON'T MIND IF I DO.
(imitates Cockney accent) RIGHT NOW I'D EAT THE WEBBIN'
OFF A LOW-FLYIN' DUCK.
(New York accent) DON'T TELL MY BOSS, THOUGH.
IX-NAY ON THE EBBIN'-WAY. MY BOSS--HE HAD TO CALL IN SICK
ON ACCOUNT OF HIS BOO. I'M, LIKE, DAMN, PAPI!
(chuckles) I KNOW I'M A WICKED PISSER.
BADA-BING, BADA-BOOM! OH!
(imitates British accent) EVENING, GUV'NOR.
I TAKE IT YOU KNOW WHAT I'M DOING HERE?
I CAN PROMISE YOU, CLAIRE HAD ONLY GOOD INTENTIONS.
I DON'T KNOW THE DETAILS OF YOUR SITUATION,
BUT I KNOW IT WOULD MAKE CLAIRE HAPPY
IF YOU WERE TO ALLOW ME THE CHANCE
TO LISTEN TO YOU SPEAK NATURALLY. (imitates German accent) GUNTER GLIEBEN GLAUCHEN GLOBEN.
HERE'S MY CARD...
IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND.
CRAP.
BACKSTREET GIRL?
HEY.
YOU'RE ON THE FLOOR IN A BAR BATHROOM.
(gasping and crying)
NO, NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, YOU'RE FINE, YOU'RE FINE.
I JUST...
NEED SOME AIR? NO.
WANNA THROW UP?
I JUST LOVE HIM SO MUCH.
AH.
(chuckles) SISTER...
(sighs)
TODAY'S YOUR LUCKY DAY.
HEY!
YOU MIGHT REMEMBER ME FROM SUCH EMBARRASSING MOMENTS
AS "LAST NIGHT AROUND THE TOILET."
VAGUELY. DRUNK-CHICK TUESDAYS CAN GET CRAZY IN HERE.
I HAVE EXACTLY ONE OUNCE OF PRIDE LEFT,
AND IT'S ONLY 'CAUSE I DIDN'T SPEW A KAMIKAZE ALL OVER YOU.
I'M A MASSEUSE.
THIS IS GOOD FOR A FREEBIE.
I WOULD PUT YOUR NAME ON IT, BUT RIGHT NOW
YOU'RE JUST THAT NICE GUY WHO CARRIED ME TO THE STREET
AND FOUND A CAB THAT WOULD GO ALL THE WAY TO FREAKIN' QUEENS.
(chuckles) I'M TREVOR. (chuckles) DEBBIE. THANKS, TREVOR.
ANYTIME YOU WANT A MASSAGE, CALL ME. I MEAN IT. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
I THOUGHT YOU WANTED HELP WITH THE BOYFRIEND.
I APPRECIATE THE WEIRD OFFER, BUT... (sniffles)
THE RELATIONSHIP IS DOOMED. IT'S NOT DOOMED.
NO, I'M SERIOUS. THERE WAS THIS DOCTOR
ON "THE STEVE AND LOLA SHOW" THIS MORNING.
IT WAS LIKE SHE WAS TALKING RIGHT TO ME.
"OPPOSITES ATTRACT" IS A MYTH. SHE SAID SO. OH, SO I GUESS THE BEATLES WERE RIGHT.
"ALL YOU NEED IS... " THINGS IN COMMON?
I LOVE LANCE, BUT I DON'T REALLY FIT IN HIS WORLD.
HE'S ALL IVY LEAGUE, HIGH SOCIETY.
I GIVE $15 NECK MASSAGES IN FRONT OF A WHOLE FOODS.
I'M SORRY. UH...
ALL I HEARD WAS, "DUMB EXCUSE, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH."
TWO YEARS AND TWO MONTHS I DATED LANCE.
NEVER MET HIS FAMILY, NEVER MET ONE SINGLE FRIEND.
NOT ONE. YOU TWO LOVE EACH OTHER. THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS.
OH, I THINK THE PART WHERE HE'S ASHAMED OF ME MATTERS, TOO.
BUT WHO CAN BLAME HIM?
I MEAN, LISTEN TO ME. I DON'T QUITE SOUND
LIKE THE GAL YOU TAKE TO THE MET, DO I?
YOU SOUND GOOD TO ME.
CALL WHEN YOU WANT THAT MASSAGE.
THESE HANDS ARE GIFTED.
(beep)
(dialing)
(cell phone rings)
HELLO? Hi. It's Trevor from last night.
LISTEN, I THINK I WILL TAKE YOU UP ON THAT OFFER--
ANYTHING I CAN DO TO HELP OUT MY GOOD FRIEND CLAIRE.
WELL, THAT'S WONDERFUL. Let me ask you something.
HOW OFTEN DO YOU WORK OUT?
NEVER. Perfect.
MEET ME AT QUEENSBRIDGE PARK.
LITA! WHERE'D YOU GO?
YOU GOTTA GET DOWNSTAIRS AND RELIEVE TREVOR.
WE GOT A GAME TO GET TO. (Lita) UGH!
YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT I FOUND IN TREVOR'S BEDROOM!
OPEN YOUR PALM.
THEY'RE TEETH.
AND I NEED THEM IN MY HAND WHY?
TREVOR HAS A BAG OF TEETH UNDER HIS NIGHTSTAND--
A BAG OF TEETH.
I'M SURE THERE'S A LOGICAL EXPLANATION.
UH, YEAH, HE KILLED HIS OLD ROOMMATES AND KEPT THEIR TEETH.
THAT'S WHERE YOUR MIND GOES?
SORRY. WHERE IS THE BAG OF TEETH HAPPY PLACE?
IT'S NONE OF OUR BUSINESS. JUST PUT HIS TEETH BACK.
I GOT IT!
(grunts) UHH!
(strained voice) SORRY ABOUT THAT, BUDDY.
(grunts) YOU OKAY?
WHAT'S THE SAYING-- "NO BLOOD, NO INFRACTION"?
(pants) WORDS TO LIVE BY. WHAT'S WITH THE HARD KNOCKS?
I'M MID-MASTER PLAN. MASTER PLAN? YOU TRYING TO MATCH HIM UP WITH A BODY CAST?
HI.
IS TREVOR WORKING?
I'VE SEEN YOU BEFORE. YOU'RE TREVOR'S DOCTOR, RIGHT? I AM.
HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE HERE. I HAVE SOME PAPERS FOR HIM TO SIGN.
OH, WELL, HE'S OUT PLAYING FOOTBALL.
DO YOU HAVE A SECOND? I NEED SOME REASSURANCE ON SOMETHING.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE USES THIS FOR?
NO CLUE.
I PUT IT BACK WHERE I FOUND IT.
BONING UP ON HIS MYTHOLOGY, IS HE?
BRACE YOURSELF. IT'S PRETTY GROSS.
WHAT?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE DISTURBED BY THIS?
WE HAVE A PATIENT AT THE HOSPITAL--A FORMER DENTIST.
HE BELIEVES HE'S THE TOOTH FAIRY.
OF COURSE. I SHOULD'VE KNOWN.
THEY'RE NOT REAL TEETH. HE USES THEM AS CURRENCY.
I'M PRETTY SURE THAT TREVOR WON THEM IN A POKER GAME.
THIS BOOK IS INTERESTING.
IT'S THREE YEARS OVERDUE. THAT'S WHAT'S INTERESTING?
LUNATICS PLAYING POKER FOR TEETH,
AND THE OVERDUE LIBRARY BOOK'S WHAT'S GOT YOU?
THAT'S THE TITLE OF THE BOOK.
I WANT YOU TO CALL RAINIER STATE COLLEGE,
WHEREVER THAT IS, AND SEE IF THEY'LL TELL YOU
WHO CHECKED IT OUT LAST.
HOPEFULLY, WE'LL AT LEAST FIND OUT TREVOR'S REAL NAME. IT'S IN OLYMPIA.
WHAT?
RAINIER STATE COLLEGE-- IT'S IN OLYMPIA, WASHINGTON.
(cell phone rings)
(ring)
(beep)
HELLO? WALTER? HI, IT'S CLAIRE.
I JUST WANTED TO SEE HOW THINGS WENT WITH TREVOR.
HE SOMEHOW KNEW I'D BE SHOWING UP AT THE BAR.
HOW WOULD HE KNOW THAT? No idea, but he put me through the ringer for a while.
THEN HE CALLED FIRST THING THIS MORNING AND SET UP A MEETING,
VOLUNTEERED TO LET ME EVALUATE HIM. HE DID?
OH, AND HE TOLD ME HE THINKS HE'S CUPID.
OR RATHER, HE TOLD ME HE IS CUPID.
HE TOLD YOU THAT?
WAIT. HAS HE BEEN TRYING TO FIND YOU A DATE?
Has he asked about your love life?
NOT AT ALL. HOW IS MY LOVE LIFE, BY THE WAY?
I HAVE AN IDEA ON THAT FRONT.
THE HOSPITAL IS HAVING A BACHELOR AUCTION FUND-RAISER,
AND NORMALLY I WOULD NEVER SUGGEST THIS SORT OF THING.
But the women participating are almost uniformly professional.
And you'd fetch top dollar, and it's for a good cause.
WALTER?
I'M ALL FOR GOOD CAUSES, CLAIRE,
BUT THE ONLY THING THAT TERRIFIES ME
MORE THAN DYING ALONE IS BEING THE CENTER OF ATTENTION.
OKAY, WELL, FORGET I MENTIONED IT.
WE WILL FIND THAT RESERVED, CEREBRAL,
cultured girl for you.
(knock on door) I SHOULD GO. SOMEONE'S AT THE DOOR.
(shuts cell phone)
(groans) I'M COMING!
HEY, ARE YOU WALTER BLACKSTOCK?
YES?
I'M DEBBIE. TREVOR SENT ME. I'M HERE FOR YOUR MASSAGE.
HOW WAS THE MASSAGE?
HE LOVED IT. I TOLD YOU--MAGIC.
GOOD, BECAUSE WALTER IS THE KEY PIECE OF MY MASTER PLAN.
FOR? YOU AND LANCE.
WALTER CAN HELP TEACH YOU HOW TO FIT IN WITH LANCE'S WORLD.
SO... HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT A LITTLE SERVICE SWAP?
FREE MASSAGES FOR FREE ELOCUTION LESSONS.
IT'S AN INTRIGUING OFFER,
GIVEN YOUR FRIENDLY GAME OF TOUCH FOOTBALL
HAS LEFT ME SOMEWHAT COMPROMISED.
AND MASSAGE IS VERY THERAPEUTIC.
AND YOU GET THE ADDED BONUS OF KNOWING
YOU HELPED REUNITE STAR-CROSSED LOVERS. YOU TAKE THIS CUPID THING SERIOUSLY.
PLUS IT'LL GIVE YOU AND ME MORE TIME TO SPEND TOGETHER.
MAYBE WE CAN FIGURE OUT WHAT SIDE OF MT. OLYMPUS I'M FROM.
SEE? IT'S WIN-WIN-WIN.
"IN THE CHEERFULLY FIENDISH SERIES--"
I HATE WHOEVER WROTE THIS.
DEBBIE.
"THE ARTIST USED COTTON BALLS DIPPED IN PIGMENTED ACRYLIC
WHICH HE SQUASHED ON THE CANVAS TO APPROXIMATE BRUSHSTROKES."
WHY DIDN'T HE JUST USE A BRUSH IN THE FIRST PLACE?
PERHAPS YOU COULD PICK SOMETHING THAT YOU ENJOY READING.
DON'T MIND IF I DO.
"DANILO GALLINARI BEGAN HIS NBA CAREER--"
SERIOUSLY, THE KNICKS TAKE AN ITALIAN?
THIS IS WHY MY FATHER GAVE UP ON 'EM.
THERE'S AN "R" IN "FATHER."
YOU SAY "FATH-AH."
FATH-AH, MATH-AH, OTH-AH-- YOU SEE?
THAT'S WHAT I SOUND LIKE TO YOU?
THAT'S WHAT YOU SOUND LIKE TO EVERYBODY.
I SOUND LIKE A CLASSLESS MORON?
THIS IS GONNA BE HARD WORK, DEBBIE.
ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS?
I'M SURE I DON'T. (sighs)
BUT IF IT MEANS THINGS CAN WORK OUT WITH ME AND LANCE,
I'M GONNA DO IT, ANYWAY.
"WHAT A TO-DO TO DIE TODAY
AT A MINUTE OR 2 TO 2:00."
"A THING DISTINCTLY HARD TO SAY BUT HARDER STILL TO DO."
"WE'LL BEAT A TATTOO AT 20 TO 2:00."
"A RAT-A-TAT-TAT, TAT-A-TAT-TAT, TAT-A-TATTOO."
"...SENSATION OF A SHORT, SHARP SHOCK
FROM A CHEAP AND CHIPPY CHOPPER ON A BIG, BLACK BLOCK."
DON'T DROP THE "R" IN "CHOPPER."
"WHAT A TO-DO TO DIE TODAY AT A MINUTE OR 2 TO 2:00."
"A THING DISTINCTLY HARD TO SAY BUT HARDER STILL TO DO."
"WE'LL BEAT A TATTOO AT 20 TO 2:00."
"A RAT-A-TAT-TAT, A-TAT-A-TAT..."
AH, EH, AI.
(Tim Myers) ♪ THIS IS THE GOOD LIFE ♪
(laughs) AH, EH, AI.
(snooty voice) "AND THE DRAGON WILL COME
"WHEN HE HEARS THE DRUM AT A MINUTE OR 2 TO 2:00 TODAY.
AT A MINUTE OR 2 TO 2:00."
BY JOVE-- (normal voice) DON'T SAY IT.
TREVOR, I REALLY OWE YOU ONE.
WALTER IS JUST LIKE A...
A GODSEND?
YEAH. HE'S MADE A HUGE DIFFERENCE.
GUESS WHAT I DID.
WHAT?
I CALLED LANCE.
NO.
HAND TO GOD. I PRETENDED I WAS FUND-RAISING FOR PUBLIC TV,
OFFERED HIM A TOTE BAG. HE HAD NO IDEA IT WAS ME.
OH, SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE READY. NOT EVEN CLOSE.
BUT IT WAS SO GOOD TO HEAR HIS VOICE. HE SOUNDED LONELY.
WHAT DOES WALTER SAY? HE HAD THIS IDEA
WE TAKE THE SHOW ON THE ROAD, GET OUT IN THE REAL WORLD.
WE'RE DOING HIGH TEA AT THE HYPERION HOTEL.
AH, THAT'S A GREAT IDEA. (chuckles)
IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE READY. MM.
SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT.
(snooty voice) "PATRICK EWING, JR.
"IS THE PEOPLE'S CHOICE.
"JEROME JAMES, HOWEVER,
IS COACH MIKE D'ANTONI'S CHOICE."
I'M DAZZLED.
(normal voice) YEAH, AS LONG AS I STICK TO SPORTS.
YOU THINK IT'LL WORK?
YOU THINK LANCE WILL BE IMPRESSED?
HE'D BE A FOOL NOT TO BE.
OH. YOU KNOW WHAT? CAN I BORROW YOUR CELL? LOCAL CALL.
MY BATTERY'S DEAD.
THANKS.
SO, WALTER, ANYTHING TO REPORT?
(Walter) I'm not getting obvious clues of origin in his dialect,
BUT HE SET ME UP WITH AN INCREDIBLE MASSEUSE.
MY GOD. HE'S LIKE AN ALLEY CAT.
DR. McCRAE-- I'M SORRY, WALTER, TREVOR HAS AN ODD OBSESSION
WITH THROWING RANDOM PEOPLE INTO RELATIONSHIPS.
OH, NO, I MEANT PROFESSIONALLY.
BEST MASSAGE I'VE EVER HAD.
OH, WELL. JU--LET ME KNOW IF YOU COME UP WITH ANYTHING NEW.
BYE. (beep)
OKAY, SO I FINALLY GOT A CALL BACK FROM THE LIBRARIAN
AT RAINIER STATE COLLEGE.
TREVOR'S MYTHOLOGY BOOK--IT WAS CHECKED OUT THREE YEARS AGO
BY AN ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR IN THE CLASSICS DEPARTMENT
NAMED ANTHONY RUSSO, WHO, ACCORDING TO SOME GOSSIP
I FINESSED OUT OF THE LIBRARIAN,
LEFT UNDER A CLOUD-- RUMORS OF SEXUAL MISCONDUCT.
WHERE DID HE GO? NO ONE KNOWS.
NO ONE AT RAINIER HAS HEARD FROM ANTHONY RUSSO
SINCE HE DISAPPEARED THREE YEARS AGO.
OF COURSE I ACKNOWLEDGE THAT YOU HAVE AN OBLIGATION
TO BE DISCREET IN THE REGISTRAR'S OFFICE.
I UNDERSTAND THAT MR. RUSSO'S INFORMATION IS CONFIDENTIAL,
BUT THIS IS SOMETHING OF AN EMERGENCY.
OKAY, I WILL TELL YOU.
I'M CARRYING HIS CHILD.
FINE, I WILL GIVE YOU MY INFORMATION,
BUT I DOUBT HE'S GOING TO CONTACT ME.
THAT'S KIND OF THE POINT.
ARE YOU SURE WE GOT THE ENGLISH MENU?
WHAT'S SPECK? CAN I GET FRIES WITH IT?
YOU THINK THEY'LL SUPER-SIZE MY SPECK VALUE MEAL?
(singsong voice) I CAN'T HEAR YOU.
(snooty voice) WHAT, PRAY TELL, IS SPECK?
MIGHT IT CAUSE ONE TO YACK?
(normal voice) IT'S A FANCY HAM OR SALAMI.
I FIND MYSELF UNDERWHELMED
BY THE PHILHARMONIC'S UPCOMING SEASON.
HMM. PERSONALLY, I AM EXCITED ABOUT MAHLER'S "FIFTH."
SOME MAY CONSIDER IT PLATITUDINOUS,
YET THE FOURTH MOVEMENT ADAGIO CONTINUES TO SURPRISE ME.
CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER?
I WAS CONSIDERING THE TUNA TARTAR,
BUT INSTEAD WE'LL HAVE THE NICOISE SALAD.
THE GENTLEMAN WILL HAVE THE SAME.
ANYTHING TO START?
YES. WE WILL SHARE A PLATE OF ASSORTED CA-NAY-PES.
CAN I SUGGEST SOME HERB-CRUSTED ZUCCHINI
AND MAYBE THE LEN-TEEL SOUP TO GO WITH THOSE CA-NAY-PES?
I'M SORRY? (normal voice) I SAID SOMETHING WRONG, DIDN'T I?
MISS, YOU'RE BEING EXTRAORDINARILY RUDE FOR SOMEONE
WHO'S EITHER IGNORANT OF, OR CHOOSES TO IGNORE,
THE DEFINITIONAL DIVIDE OF "CAN" AND "MAY."
CAN YOU TAKE OUR ORDER?
THE ANSWER, MADAM, IS APPARENTLY NOT.
NOW LET'S SEE IF YOU CAN OFFER MY FRIEND AN APOLOGY,
OR I MAY CHOOSE TO SPEAK WITH YOUR MANAGER. OKAY, I GET IT. I DON'T WANT AN APOLOGY.
I JUST WANNA GET OUT OF HERE.
DEBBIE, COME BACK. YOU WERE DOING GREAT.
SHE'S A WAITRESS, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.
AND I'M A MASSEUSE, WALTER. I COUNT, DON'T I?
SEE?
THIS IS WHY YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND.
YOU'RE ONE OF THEM.
YOU HAVE NO CLUE HOW HARD THIS IS.
(Boston accent) I GOT A PRETTY GOOD IDEA
WHAT IT'S LIKE, DEB.
YOU, TOO, BRUTUS?
I-I'M NOT MAKING FUN OF YA.
THIS IS HOW I TALKED MY FIRST 18 YEARS.
I GREW UP IN SOUTH BOSTON.
I WILL SQUISH YOUR HEAD IF YOU'RE LYING TO ME.
I GREW UP SMART IN A PART OF TOWN
WHERE SMART GOT YOUR ASS KICKED.
I WORKED MY BUTT OFF AT SCHOOL
WHILE THE OTHER GUYS WERE BUYING BEER AT THE PACKY.
MY FIRST DAY AT HARVARD--
MY ROOMMATE ASKED ME IF I COULD FIX A LEAKY SINK.
HE FIGURED I HAD TO BE A CUSTODIAN.
WHAT'D YOU DO?
I FIXED THE SINK.
THEN I DECIDED I'D TRY TO FIT IN,
CHANGE MY LIFE.
I BROKE DOWN THE SPEECH PATTERNS OF THE RICH KIDS...
HARDENED MY VOWELS.
CLIPPED MY CONSONANTS.
BEFORE I KNEW IT, I WAS ONE OF THEM.
OKAY, SO I GUESS YOU DO HAVE A CLUE.
AND NOW THAT I KNOW YOU'RE FROM BOSTON,
THERE'S ONE THING YOU HAVE TO KNOW.
THE RED SOX SUCK.
FACE IT, DEBBIE. WE'RE JUST LIVING--
OH, PLEASE. I--REALLY, I FEEL SORRY.
I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU RED SOX FANS. THEY'RE A TEAM OF THE PAST.
OH, MY GOD, THERE'S LANCE. WHICH ONE?
THE ONE WAVING ME OVER. HEY.
THERE, STANDING BY THE MIME.
LANCE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I-I GOT YOUR TEXT.
YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO MEET TODAY
OUTSIDE THE HYPERION HOTEL... BESIDE THE MIME.
I DIDN'T SEND A...
TREVOR.
SO WHAT'S UP?
(snooty voice) I'VE BEEN FOLLOWING THE KNICKS.
I'M NOT SURE D'ANTONI IS GOING TO BE ABLE TO GET THIS LINEUP
TO PLAY UP-TEMPO.
AND WITH NO CAP ROOM, I'M AFRAID THE REBUILDING WILL BE SLOW.
I'M SORRY. DID--DID WE GO TO CHOATE TOGETHER?
I DON'T BELIEVE SO.
PERHAPS WE SUMMERED IN KENNEBUNKPORT.
WHERE DID THIS NEW VOICE COME FROM? THIS IS AMAZING.
WALTER HERE HAS BEEN GIVING ME LESSONS.
HE'S A DIALECT COACH.
UH, LANCE STILLWELL.
(chuckles) BRAVO.
SHE'S A DEDICATED STUDENT.
ARE THESE LESSONS FOR ME? FOR US?
LOOK, I-I WAS WRONG NOT TO, UH,
ASK YOU TO MY PARENTS' ANNIVERSARY PARTY.
IS IT TOO LATE TO ASK YOU NOW?
WILL THEY KEEP THE RIFFRAFF OUT?
OF THAT YOU CAN BE QUITE CERTAIN.
THEN, YES, I WOULD LOVE TO GO.
OKAY, WELL, I-I HAVE TO GET BACK TO THE OFFICE,
BUT, UM, I'M SO GLAD YOU GOT IN TOUCH.
AND, UH, I'M SO IMPRESSED WITH, UH, WHAT YOU'VE DONE.
I'LL CALL YOU LATER WITH ALL THE DETAILS, OKAY?
OF COURSE. OKAY.
(normal voice) YOU...
ARE A STRANGE, STRANGE MAN, TREVOR.
BUT I'M GLAD IT WAS YOUR BAR I HEAVED IN.
AND YOU...
UGH! YOU ARE A MENSCH!
(laughs) OH, MY GOD.
ANNIVERSARY PARTY. THE VANDERFIELD CLUB.
HIS PARENTS.
I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO! I HAVE TO GO!
I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO! (laughs)
BYE!
CLEARLY, OPPOSITES ATTRACT.
I'M BASICALLY A GOOD GUY,
BUT I AM ALWAYS ATTRACTED TO CRUEL WOMEN.
(Trevor) IT'S TRUE.
I'M LOOSEY-GOOSEY AND WEAR PRIMARY COLORS
BUT TOTALLY GOT A THING FOR UPTIGHT WOMEN
WHO DRESS IN EARTH TONES.
I'M NOT SAYING OPPOSITES DON'T ATTRACT.
WHAT I'M SAYING IS,
IS THAT ONCE THE HEAT OF THAT ATTRACTION COOLS,
AND IT ALWAYS DOES,
THAT HAVING OPPOSING TEMPERAMENTS
CAN BE AN IMPEDIMENT TO A LONG-LASTING RELATIONSHIP.
I HAVE ONE MORE MEETING WITH TREVOR TOMORROW.
I SHOULD BE FINISHED WITH HIS REPORT BY TOMORROW NIGHT.
GREAT. THEN I'LL SWING BY. AND JUST SO YOU KNOW,
I DO HAVE A FEW IRONS IN THE FIRE,
BUT I HAVEN'T QUITE FOUND THE PERFECT MATCH FOR YOU YET.
(cell phone rings) EXCUSE ME.
(beep) TREVOR PIERCE LOVE LINE.
I'M TRYING TO DECIDE WHAT TO WEAR TO LANCE'S PARTY.
I NEED ELEGANT. ALL I'VE GOT...
is 1980s cheesy. YEAH, YOU KNOW,
THAT'S A LITTLE BIT OUT OF MY AREA OF EXPERTISE.
BUT MAYBE I CAN WORK SOMETHING OUT.
(Debbie) THIS IS SO NICE OF YOU, DR. McCRAE.
THANKS FOR LETTING ME OVER.
UH, SURE. I'M GLAD WE'RE THE SAME SIZE.
(whispers) THIS IS A RIDICULOUS IDEA.
WHAT? SHE GETS A DRESS, YOU GET A MASSAGE. IT'S WIN-WIN.
THE BRIDGE-AND-TUNNEL GIRL WITH THE PARK AVENUE GUY?
IT CAN'T WORK. WHAT DO YOU THINK?
IT'S NICE, BUT I DON'T KNOW.
WALTER WOULD HAVE A WORD FOR IT. I THINK THE WORD WOULD BE "MEH."
I LIKE IT. RESERVED, YET-- SHE'S NOT DOING HIS TAXES. NEXT.
NOW IF I'M TO UNDERSTAND YOU,
THIS LANCE IS THE SCION OF A PROMINENT BANKING FAMILY?
YOU ARE LEADING THIS LAMB TO SLAUGHTER, TREVOR. THE FAMILY WILL NEVER KNOW. WE'VE GOT THAT COVERED.
OF COURSE THEY'LL KNOW.
I KNOW WHAT WALTER WOULD SAY ABOUT THIS.
"WOOF"?
"PRURIENT."
HE ACTUALLY USES WORDS LIKE THAT IN CONVERSATION.
THAT MUST BE ANNOYING. ARE YOU KIDDING?
HE'S LIKE MY OWN WORD-OF-THE-DAY CALENDAR.
I FEEL MYSELF GETTING SMARTER WHENEVER I'M AROUND HIM.
I'VE BEEN TO THE VANDERFIELD CLUB.
THAT DRESS MIGHT BE A BIT MUCH. SHOW CLAIRE WHAT YOU AND WALTER HAVE BEEN WORKING ON.
YEAH, OKAY.
(snooty voice) THE JETS' ACQUISITION
OF BRETT FAVRE
CAN'T SIMPLY BE VIEWED IN TERMS OF WINS AND LOSSES.
THAT IS ODD AND AMAZING. (chuckles)
WALTER'S BEEN A GREAT HELP, HASN'T HE? (normal voice) WALTER IS THE BEST.
SOMETHING ABOUT THOSE UPTOWN BOYS? WALTER'S NOT UPTOWN.
HE'S FROM SOUTH BOSTON. HE'S FAKING IT, JUST LIKE ME.
HE JUST HAS A 20-YEAR HEAD START.
HE'S JUST...
AMAZING?
YEAH.
SO AFTER ALL THIS BROUHAHA, THEY FINALLY FIGURE OUT
THAT THERE'S TWO BLONDES IN THE TOWN NAMED LILY.
YOU WROTE DOWN "BROUHAHA." IT'S A REGIONAL MARKER.
'CAUSE I WAS GONNA GO WITH "KERFUFFLE." SO WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BROTHERS?
(Irish brogue) COME ON. HE'S CODDIN' YA.
I'VE HEARD THAT STORY TEN WAYS.
(imitates Irish brogue) DON'T BE TWISTING HAY, BOYO.
(normal voice) DON'T WRITE THAT DOWN. SIT.
SIT, SIT. (sighs)
OKAY, LOOK. I NEED TO ASK YOU A QUESTION.
DEBBIE.
IS THAT A QUESTION?
YEAH. SEE, I'M GETTING A VIBE FROM HER
THAT SHE REALLY DIGS YOU.
AND I NEED TO KNOW IF YOU DIG HER BACK,
'CAUSE THE CLOCK IS TICKING, MY FRIEND.
BY TOMORROW NIGHT, SHE JUST MIGHT BE LOST FOREVER.
AREN'T YOU TRYING TO REUNITE DEBBIE WITH LANCE? NO.
I'M TRYING TO UNITE DEBBIE WITH HER TRUE LOVE.
EVENING, BOSS. NO WORD FROM ANTHONY RUSSO.
JOSIE, DO YOU KNOW FRANCINE MEYERS,
WORKS IN RECORDS? RUNS A SCRABBLE LEAGUE.
YEAH, I MET HER AT THE WINE THING. WINE THING?
SHE HOSTS A TASTING AT THIS WINE BAR IN SOHO.
I WOULDN'T EXACTLY RECOMMEND IT
UNLESS YOU'RE INTO MUSEUM GOSSIP
AND TALKING ABOUT WINE MORE THAN YOU DRINK IT.
DO YOU KNOW IF SHE'S SINGLE?
DEBBIE.
'CAUSE NOTHING SAYS "THANK YOU"
LIKE THE PHONETIC ALPHABET ON CUPCAKES! (laughs)
HERE. (laughs nervously) YEAH.
I MIGHT'VE EATEN THE "E" WITH THE UMLAUT.
TO HARD WORK PAYING OFF.
TO FINDING MORE THAN JUST MY VOICE.
(clink)
YOU KNOW, DEBBIE,
THE TRUTH IS, I'VE REALLY ENJOYED OUR TIME TOGETHER.
YEAH. WHAT A CHALLENGE, RIGHT?
(chuckles) YES. NO. WELL...
WHAT I MEAN IS I...
I'M NOT QUITE SURE HOW TO SAY THIS.
(knock on door)
SAY WHAT, WALTER?
HEY. I JUST SWUNG BY TO PICK UP THAT REPORT.
IS IT READY? OH, YES, UH, COME IN.
(Debbie) HEY, CLAIRE.
OH, I'M NOT INTERRUPTING A LESSON, AM I?
HERE YOU ARE, CLAIRE.
TRULY A FASCINATING CASE.
OH, I CAN'T WAIT.
AND TO SHOW YOU WHAT I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON, TOO--
I HAVE FOUND THE IDEAL WOMAN FOR YOU.
SHE IS EVERYTHING YOU SAID YOU WANTED. UH...
CEREBRAL, RESERVED, CULTURED.
I SHOULD BE GOING. (laughs nervously)
BIG DEBUT TOMORROW.
BEST OF LUCK WITH THE GIRL.
SHE SOUNDS PERFECT. (chuckles nervously)
HUH?
(door closes)
MY BEST GUESS IS HE'S AN ARMY BRAT.
HE'S TRAVELED ALL OVER THE WORLD.
THAT'S WHAT MADE HIM SUCH A TIME-CONSUMING CASE.
HE USES IDIOMS AND EXPRESSIONS THAT I'VE QUITE LITERALLY
NEVER HEARD OUT OF THE MOUTH OF AN AMERICAN. HE SOUNDS LIKE HALF THE GUYS IN NEW YORK TO ME.
YEAH, BUT HE'S A MIMIC. YOU COULD DROP HIM IN GEORGIA,
COME BACK A WEEK LATER, HE'D SOUND LIKE BOSS HOGG.
WAIT. AN ARMY BRAT. WHAT ABOUT THE SON OF MISSIONARIES?
YEAH, THAT WOULD MAKE SENSE. WHY? WE HAD A LEAD ON TREVOR'S REAL NAME--ANTHONY RUSSO.
I HAD MY ASSISTANT DO A GOOGLE SEARCH.
THERE WERE HUNDREDS.
BUT ONE OF THOSE MENTIONS A STORY
ABOUT MISSIONARIES IN AFRICA, AN OLDER COUPLE.
THEY MENTION A SON--ANTHONY.
I THINK WE FOUND OUR CUPID.
WELL, DR. CLAIRE McCRAE, AS I LIVE AND BREATHE.
WHAT'S YOUR POISON?
I'M NOT HERE TO DRINK, TREVOR.
I GET IT. LOOKING FOR MR. GOODBAR?
SEE JOHNSON OVER THERE?
I HEAR HE HAS A REAL "I DREAM OF JEANNIE" FETISH.
NOW THERE'S THIS COSTUME SHOP--
I'VE GOT A STORY I WANT TO SHARE WITH YOU.
A LOVE STORY.
OH, MY FAVORITE KIND.
THE STORY'S ABOUT A SCHOLAR, A UNIVERSITY PROFESSOR.
LET'S GIVE HIM A NAME, SAY...
ANTHONY RUSSO.
RUSSO FALLS IN LOVE WITH ONE OF HIS STUDENTS.
OLD STORY.
HE FALLS MADLY IN LOVE WITH HER.
SHE RECIPROCATES, BUT THE SEMESTER ENDS.
FOR HER, IT WAS JUST A PASSING FLING.
AND FOR HIM, IT WAS MUCH MORE.
LIKE I SAID, OLD STORY.
BUT IT DOESN'T END THERE.
HE CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT HER.
HE STALKS HER, HE LEAVES DRUNKEN MESSAGES ON HER MACHINE.
SHE REPORTS HIM TO THE UNIVERSITY.
HE RESIGNS IN DISGRACE. HE SNAPS. (snaps fingers)
HE HAS TO GET AS FAR AWAY FROM HER AS POSSIBLE,
BUT HE'S GOT NO FAMILY SUPPORT.
FOR SAKE OF ARGUMENT,
HIS PARENTS ARE LIVING IN AFRICA.
RUSSO CHANGES HIS IDENTITY, MOVES ACROSS THE COUNTRY.
EVENTUALLY, HE CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER WHO HE IS.
HE TELLS PEOPLE HE'S THE GOD OF LOVE.
OKAY. NOT BAD.
BUT I GOT A BETTER ONE FOR YOU.
LET'S TAKE YOUR PROFESSOR.
BUT THIS TIME, LET'S MAKE RUSSO A REAL ASS HOUND,
ALWAYS SEDUCING THE COEDS.
THEN, UNEXPECTEDLY, HE FALLS FOR ONE OF HIS PEERS--
ANOTHER PROFESSOR.
HEAD OVER HEELS.
THIS MORALLY BANKRUPT MAN FINALLY FINDS SOMEONE
WHO TURNS HIM INTO THE MAN HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE.
THEN SOME JEALOUS COED,
WHO HE THREW AWAY THE YEAR BEFORE,
MAKES IT HER MISSION TO SPOIL HIS HAPPINESS.
TELLS THE NEW WOMAN ALL ABOUT THE GIRLS HE'S SEDUCED.
WELL, THE PROFESSOR'S LOVER CAN'T TAKE IT,
WANTS TO ESCAPE,
TO SLEEP UNTIL IT DOESN'T HURT ANYMORE.
FIGURES THE MORE PILLS SHE TAKES,
THE LONGER SHE'LL SLEEP.
WELL, OUR PRINCE CHARMING FINDS HER IN BED,
BUT NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES HE KISSES HER,
SHE WON'T WAKE UP.
I'M NOT SURE ABOUT YOUR ENDING, EITHER.
IT'S A TAD HACKNEYED.
INSTEAD OF THE INSANITY BIT,
LET'S SAY HE TRAVELS FROM VILLAGE TO VILLAGE
WRESTLING GORGONS FOR SACKS OF GOLD.
SOMEONE HURT YOU VERY BADLY, ANTHONY.
THE NAME'S CUPID.
AND, YOU KNOW, I KNOW YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME,
BUT GIVE WALTER ANOTHER 24 HOURS,
YOU'LL BE A BELIEVER. WALTER?
TREVOR, I FOUND SOMEONE
WHO I THINK WILL BE A GOOD MATCH FOR WALTER.
HE CAME TO ME FOR HELP, SO I WILL ASK YOU NOT TO INTERFERE.
YOU GOT SOMEONE FOR HIM? (chuckles) I DON'T BELIEVE YOU. I MOST CERTAINLY DO.
WHO? QUICK. NO TIME TO THINK. HER NAME IS FRANCINE MEYERS. SHE WORKS AT THE HOSPITAL.
AND THEY'RE HAVING LUNCH TOGETHER TOMORROW AT OSTUNI.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SET PEOPLE UP.
I'VE GOT A REAL KNACK FOR THIS.
MMM.
AHH.
WAITER?
KEEP IT COMIN'. WHERE WAS I?
UH, YOU WERE TELLING ME ABOUT YOUR FORMER LOVERS.
THAT'S RIGHT. WHO WAS I ON? DONALD.
OH. DONALD.
MY BIG "WHAT IF?"
DONALD.
CLAIRE INDICATED YOU'RE A SCRABBLE PLAYER.
WHAT IF? WHAT IF I HAD STEPPED UP THAT NIGHT?
HE WAS MY ONE TRUE LOVE, BUT I LET HIM GO.
THOUGHT I'D GET ANOTHER SHOT.
AND NOW, WELL...
JUST LOOK AT ME.
LOOK AT ME!
CHECK?
WAIT. BEFORE I RIDE SHOTGUN ON THE STAGECOACH TO CRAZY...
TELL ME AGAIN WHY YOU NEED THE NIGHT OFF.
ANY MINUTE NOW, A DESPERATE MAN'S GONNA COME IN HERE
AND NEED MY HELP. THIS MAN IS GONNA WALK THROUGH THAT DOOR IN MY BAR,
AND HE'S GONNA ASK YOU FOR HELP DOING... CUPID STUFF? YEAH.
(sighs) YOU KNOW, I CAN GO MOST DAYS WITHOUT THE FACT
THAT I PLUCKED YOU OUT OF A MENTAL INSTITUTION
ENTERING MY MIND, AND THEN-- TREVOR! I NEED YOUR HELP. IT'S ABOUT DEBBIE.
UNBELIEVABLE.
YEAH, SURE, GO.
WHAT ARE YOU, ABOUT A 40 REGULAR?
UH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
(sighs) HERE YOU GO.
WHAT'S THIS?
THAT'S HOW YOU'RE GETTING DEBBIE BACK.
TELL ME THE TRUTH. WHEN YOU CAME UP WITH THIS PLAN,
YOU WERE WATCHING "SCOOBY-DOO." WE'RE IN, AREN'T WE?
I MEAN, YOU COULD'VE STATED YOUR CASE LAST NIGHT,
BUT YOU DIDN'T LISTEN TO ME.
GRAB A TRAY OF HORS D'OEUVRES. LET'S GO.
(classical music playing)
THANK YOU.
(indistinct conversations, laughter)
♪♪
OH, MY.
YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
(snooty voice) WHY, MR. STILLWELL,
YOU DO FLATTER.
(chuckles)
YOU'RE EMPTY. GET BACK TO THE KITCHEN AND LOAD UP.
(snooty voice) I'M SURE ST. PETERSBURG
IS WONDERFUL THIS TIME OF YEAR,
THOUGH I CONFESS, I'VE ONLY BEEN THERE FOR SPRING BREAK.
(laughing)
WELL, WHAT SORT OF WORK DO YOU DO?
SHE'S IN, UH... HEALTH CARE.
YEAH, OKAY, SO MAYBE I'M THINKING
I WASN'T SO CLEAR EARLIER.
REMEMBER THAT "BEST MAN SCENARIO" I WAS TALKING ABOUT?
YOU'RE THE BEST MAN. NOW GET OVER THERE.
DEBBIE DESERVES TO BE LOVED FOR WHO SHE IS,
NOT FOR WHO SHE'S TRYING TO BE.
MOTHER, FATHER,
ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE YOU TO...
DEBORAH STEIN.
MR. AND MRS. STILLWELL, IT'S MY PLEASURE.
LANCE HAS SAID SUCH WONDERFUL THINGS ABOUT YOU.
STEIN? IS THAT JEWISH?
UH, OF COURSE NOT, MOTHER. IT'S GERMAN.
BUT, UH, ANYWAY, HER LAST NAME IS, UH, IRRELEVANT,
BECAUSE IT'S MY HOPE THAT, UH, IF SHE'LL HAVE ME,
HER LAST NAME WILL SOON BE STILLWELL.
(crash)
(guests murmuring)
THEY'VE BEEN HAVING SO MUCH TROUBLE
WITH THE HELP HERE LATELY.
I'M SO SORRY.
I SHOULDN'T BE HERE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING.
(normal voice) YO!
IS THAT ALL YOU'VE GOT?
ONE LITTLE TRAY DUMP AND YOU'RE TURNING TAIL?
LET'S SEE YOUR "A" GAME, BOY. MAN UP.
UH, DEBORAH?
(Boston accent) HERE'S THE THING--
THERE'S NOT A THING I'D CHANGE ABOUT YOU.
REALLY? NOTHIN'?
'CAUSE I AIN'T CULTURED, YOU KNOW,
OR RESERVED, REALLY. (laughs nervously)
OR CEREBRAL. YOU THINK YOU CAN PUT UP WITH A WOMAN LIKE THAT?
YOU HAD ME AT "YO."
(sniffles)
MY NAME IS DEBBIE. I'M A MASSEUSE.
AND I MET YOUR SON
ON A BOOZE CRUISE DOWN AT CLUB MED.
FRANCINE, I WANTED TO ASK HOW YOUR DATE WENT
WITH MY FRIEND WALTER.
IT DIDN'T. HE CALLED AND LEFT A MESSAGE CANCELING.
IT'S TOO BAD. HE SOUNDS LIKE A SWEET GUY.
I JUST SAW FRANCINE--
DR. McCRAE, YOU HAVE A VISITOR.
HI. I HEAR YOU'RE HAVING MY BABY.
(chuckles) I HAVE TO SAY,
I-I THINK I WOULD'VE REMEMBERED THE CONCEPTION.
(chuckles) YOU'RE ANTHONY RUSSO?
PLEASE. UH, MY FRIENDS CALL ME TONY.
(Claire) CLASSICS DEPARTMENT ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR
ANTHONY RUSSO RELOCATED TO MANHATTAN
AFTER BEING FORCED OUT OF RAINIER STATE.
HE SOLD MOST OF HIS BOOKS AT A USED BOOKSTORE
IN THE VILLAGE.
I SUPPOSE THAT'S HOW TREVOR CAME INTO POSSESSION
OF THE MYTHOLOGY TEXT IN HIS ROOM.
WHILE I'M BACK TO SQUARE ONE IN MY SEARCH
FOR TREVOR'S TRUE IDENTITY,
HE REMAINS FOCUSED ON HIS QUEST.
♪ I WAS SEARCHIN' ♪ ♪ SEARCHIN' ♪
♪ ON A ONE-WAY STREET ♪
♪ I WAS HOPIN' ♪ ♪ HOPIN' ♪
♪ FOR A CHANCE TO MEET ♪
♪ I WAS WAITIN' FOR THE OPERATOR... ♪
IS THAT THAT SAD DRUNK CHICK?
ALL BLISSFUL AND PAIRED UP LIKE AN ARK ANIMAL.
HOW'D THAT HAPPEN?
♪ NO, NO, NO ♪
♪ DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO ♪
(both) ♪ I GOTTA GET BACK TO YOU ♪
♪♪
♪ GOTTA SLOW DOWN ♪ ♪ SLOW DOWN ♪
♪ SWEET-TALKIN' WOMAN ♪ ♪ SLOW DOWN ♪
♪ YOU GOT ME RUNNIN' ♪
WHO DO I HAVE TO PSYCHOANALYZE AROUND HERE TO GET A DRINK?
(Debbie) ♪ SLOW DOWN ♪
SO I GUESS I KNOW WHY YOU WERE SO ANXIOUS
TO GET ME DOWN HERE-- YOU WANTED TO GLOAT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, HUH? WEREN'T YOU MATCHING DEBBIE
WITH THE SCION OF A PROMINENT LOCAL FAMILY?
GEE... YOU REALLY BUNGLED THIS ONE.
THE CONDITIONS ON THE GROUND CHANGED. MM.
I HAD TO WING IT. BARKEEP? WHERE'S THAT FREE BEER?
IT'S COMING RIGHT UP.
SHIRLEY. ONE OF THE REGULARS HERE.
SHE TEACHES AN IMPROV CLASS OVER AT YUCK IT UPS.
I'M THINKING ABOUT SIGNING UP. EXPAND MY HORIZONS.
NOTHING LIKE SELF-BETTERMENT.
(both) ♪ I GOTTA GET BACK TO YOU ♪
♪ YOU GOTTA SLOW DOWN ♪ ♪ SLOW DOWN ♪
THINGS SEEM TO BE GOING PRETTY WELL.
UH... YEAH. 'CAUSE WALTER FOLLOWED MY ADVICE.
YOUR ADVICE? YEAH. HE TRUSTED HIS GUT.
HE DIDN'T HOLD OUT FOR MISS THINGS-IN-COMMON.
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HE DID DO.
ARE YOU KIDDING?
NAME ONE THING THOSE TWO HAVE IN COMMON. WORKING-CLASS BACKGROUND.
NAME TWO THINGS. THEY REMADE THEMSELVES
TO IMPROVE THEIR SOCIAL ECONOMIC STANDING.
LOOK, YOU MADE THE INTRODUCTION. GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT FOR THAT.
OH, TRUST ME, I AM.
(Walter) ♪ HOLD ON, SWEET-TALKIN' LOVER ♪
(both) ♪ IT'S SO SAD ♪
♪ IF THAT'S THE WAY IT'S OVER ♪
(cheers and applause)